Protected vs. Connected

WEBVTT
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All right, hello everyone.
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This is Laura Williamson, and this is Bear Speak.
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Welcome.
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It's nice to have you here.
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I am your host.
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I am a personal trainer, a Pilates instructor.
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I am a Reiki practitioner, nutrition consultant.
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I'm trying to remember if I missed anything.
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I think that's it for now.
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But at any rate, we're here today.
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No longer are we in the TV studio.
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We are now doing a podcast.
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We're sitting right here and live for you.
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You can still see us.
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It's just in a smaller, cosier space.
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But we have an awesome guest with us today.
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Oh, and we're no longer bear speak, also.
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We're bear well, bear speak, and we used to be bear fitness.
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I'll say it again.
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We are bear speak and we used to be bear fitness, so you don't confuse the two.
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So when you get ready to look for us, you know how to find us.
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All right.
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Again, Edith Block is going to be our guest today.
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She is a therapist and she's got some good stuff, and we're going to be talking about all kinds of things today.
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So you want to stay tuned.
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And uh Yeah.
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Edith, hi.
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Hi.
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Welcome.
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It's nice to have you today.
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Thanks so much, Laura.
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It's nice to be here.
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Thanks for inviting me.
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Yeah, can you tell us and tell them a little bit about yourself?
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Sure.
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Yeah.
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So my name is Edith Block.
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I live here in Wakefield, Massachusetts.
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I didn't always live in the United States, though.
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I was actually born in England and lived there for the first 10 years of my life.
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Wow.
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And then moved here when I was 10.
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And um grew up in Natick.
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Went to Natick High.
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Okay.
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I dated a guy from Natick, by the way.
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Oh, maybe we maybe we know maybe I know him.
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Oh, we might need to talk about that.
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Okay, that's yeah.
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Okay, stay focused.
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Okay.
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Okay, but yes, please continue.
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I I'm a therapist.
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I have a small private practice.
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Um, you know, that I started in the pandemic, so I'm still virtual.
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Um I don't have any brick and mortar.
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But yeah, I see all my clients um over the over the internet.
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Oh, okay.
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Yeah, yeah.
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All right, so that's that's pretty cool.
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So it seemed that the the internet was easy and a safe space for a lot of people.
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Yeah.
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Uh during a pandemic, but post-pandemic, it seems to still be holding pretty strong for people.
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I I see.
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I think so, yeah.
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I th I do get some um, you know, some folks say, Do you have an office?
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And I don't, so I'm obviously not their therapist.
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Okay, but I um yeah, during the pandemic, obviously everyone was virtual, and that sort of opened up a door specifically for um this industry for therapy to be virtual.
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Um and yeah, I mean, I think there, I think there's um it still makes it sometimes easier for folks to meet virtually.
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I think they can meet me on their lunch break or uh you know they're working from home so they can log in.
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They don't have to drive anywhere, park somewhere, and you know, therapy is really an hour then versus maybe an hour and a half, two hours to get somewhere and park.
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Okay.
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Well that makes it much easier.
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Yeah.
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So my question to you is what type of therapist are you?
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What do you specialize in?
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Yeah.
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So I I do work with individuals, um, adults, um, mostly women, but I also work with men, um, sort of ages 25 and up, okay.
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Going through transitions in life, first jobs, second jobs, back to school, getting into relationships, you know, all the major changes that we experience um as we grow up.
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Okay.
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Um men.
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Really?
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I've never I have to say, and I apologize if for not knowing, yeah, I haven't had a therapist necessarily say, Well, I specialize in helping men transition in life.
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Um, is that new?
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Is that something different?
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Something you specialize in?
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Could you tell a little tell us a little bit more about that?
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Um, I think across the board it's men and women.
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Okay.
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They, you know, everyone has um new experiences that they're working through.
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Um so the my actual specialty I would say is with couples, but I do see still see probably about a quarter or a third of my practice as individuals.
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Okay.
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Um, but my my passion is my individual clients.
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Okay.
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And my specialty, I would say, is with couples.
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Okay.
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Yeah.
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How long have you been a therapist?
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Um, 18 plus years, about 18 years.
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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Yeah.
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And I've done it in like different um iterations.
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When I first graduated um from uh with a master's, I worked with in in-home therapy, which is um working with sort of at-risk use youth and families, trying to keep families together versus um go to programs or even um incarceration.
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Okay.
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So trying to keep the family unit together.
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Um so that was like the first um, you know, first sort of decade of my life of my of my um career.
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And then I m started working um in a private practice in Medford, and at that point was working with high conflict, some high conflict divorcing couples and their families.
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So um yeah.
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And then in 2021, I started my own practice.
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Okay, yeah.
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So then I have two two questions for you.
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Now, did I read somewhere here that you were a social worker?
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I am a social worker.
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You are a social worker.
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I'm a licensed independent clinical social worker.
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Okay, you you are.
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That's a license I carry, yeah.
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Ah, okay.
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Yeah.
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All right.
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What made you decide to get into this this industry or this field?
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Yeah, okay.
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That's a really good question.
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Um, I think, okay, so I'll I'll start with saying I think this profession probably chose me versus I chose it.
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Oh, okay.
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Um, and what I mean by that is that I think um, you know, I think folks in the in the helping industry tend to have a reason why they want to help other people.
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Um, yeah, as I mentioned, I moved from London to the to the US and at age 10, which is a significant change for anyone.
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I can imagine.
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Um part of that also was I moved here with my mom, stepdad, and brother, and my dad stayed in England.
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So there there was some stuff I remember the first counselor I saw was one right when I first moved here.
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Okay.
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Um, in school.
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So um, so I think that probably leads to some of why I chose this profession.
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Um uh when I started undergrad, I I thought I'd be a teacher, and I think that came from you know, spending much of my teen years babysitting for neighborhood kids and that kind of stuff.
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So that sort of I thought I wanted to work with children and adolescence.
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And as I got further into the field, I realized that was not my passion.
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Okay.
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Um, but yeah, so my first um in undergrad, I was my first major was um education, and then I decided to change it.
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I don't know exactly why, I can't quite remember.
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Um, and I changed it to social work, and so I got a bachelor's in social work.
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Okay.
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Yeah.
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But at what point did you officially decide?
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I want to work with couples, I want to work with families.
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This is I think this is the direction I should go in.
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It feels like the right thing to do.
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Yeah.
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Can you recall about when that happened for you?
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Um I can I can't recall an exact moment, but what I can think about is that as a child of divorced family, divorced parents, um and you know, separated family in different different areas of the world.
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I think there's a big part of me that wants to save other families.
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Um, and I think w when I was working with kids um in the other private practice, I did some child child therapy.
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Um, I noticed that a lot of the work that I needed to do was with the parents.
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Okay.
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Um, so I thought, well, you know, that that's a that's a trickle-down method that actually works, right?
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That you work with parents, then they can help their kids.
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Okay.
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Um, so I don't know if there was an exact here's the moment that I can recall, but I think there are a lot of factors that led to it.
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Out of curiosity, how affected would you say the children are or you were when you have parents who are divorced.
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Yeah.
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And when I say affected, I'm I'm I don't want to use the word traumatized, so I'm gonna say affected only because I know that it's gonna range child to child.
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That's that's absolutely right.
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Yeah, yeah.
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Um, I think um I think kids can be very affected.
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Okay.
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Um but on the other hand, I will say this kids can also be affected by parents who maybe would be better off not together.
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Oh, so yeah, so I mean, you know, best case scenario of a couple are getting divorced, they're either working with a therapist or some other source to really make sure that the kids are affected in the least traumatic traumatic way.
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Okay.
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Okay.
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Um Wow, there's so much here.
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Um I had never, well, I haven't had reason to think of it that way.
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Um but to think of it that way, it puts a different spin on it, to be honest with you.
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Um I have never heard anyone say sometimes you know, it's difficult for a child when parents separate, but it's also difficult for them when they stay together.
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That conversation doesn't come up very often.
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Okay.
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Yeah.
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So I mean, believe it or not, um, we're not gonna talk a lot about this because I think this is a huge topic and probably for another day.
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I would like to focus on couples today.
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So probably more on the divorcees than anything else.
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So I'm gonna put a pen in that and that might have to be saved for another day because it's very interesting that you say that.
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Um and all that being said, what I'll also say to you is at what point did you say, you know, I need to, or we should really look at the couples here and how we can help them so that they can help their kids, but so they can help themselves.
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Because if the parents aren't in a I don't want to say a good way, I hate to because I feel like that's judgment, then it's gonna make it very difficult for them to if they if they need to help themselves, they need to also help their loved ones, and that can make it challenging.
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So why why the couples?
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Yeah.
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Um it's a good question, and I think my family of origin is a big factor.
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Um also like d so when I worked with at-risk youth and children, um the amount the amount of work was with the parents of how to, you know, manage their emotions so that they can help their kids manage emotions, right?
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So that sort of um that's a piece that I think feels relevant to this question.
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Um and then when I worked with um highly conflicting divorces and the children seeing the impact on the kids of parents who have decided to divorce and doing it with heavy use of court systems and adversaries, um, making it more of a fight than a we want to come together and come come together and divorce, right?
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In a in a way that's um palatable for the kids.
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So I think that at different stages in my life it it sort of um led to when um when I did decide that this one I was gonna have this as a specialty.
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I think a more recent example that I haven't mentioned yet, during the pandemic, obviously a lot of people needed help and a lot of people were seeking um couples therapy um and seeing how impactful the you know, being home in my own relationship within four walls, um, as well, as well as seeing how different families were trying to navigate this to the best of their ability, giving support to the parents really does help the whole family.
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Okay.
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Yeah.
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So I'm gonna back up a little bit because I noticed that you moved back to London at some point.
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You live with your dad.
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I did, yeah.
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Okay.
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So what prompted that change?
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Yeah.
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So I had done undergrad over here, I went to Westfield State, got a bachelor's in social work, and then I was working, I was living in Framingham.
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I was doing some sort of I was working with adults with autism and you know, working at a restaurant for extra income and wanted to go back to grad school.
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And my dad, who you've met, and he loves you.
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Yeah, loves you.
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Yeah, he does ask about you when I talk, when I talk to him.
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He is pretty awesome, I must admit.
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So I mean he he said, if you want to go to grad school over here, and and you know, I so he and my mom separated when I was like newly born.
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So, you know, I primarily lived with my mom and then dad weekends and holida school holidays.
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Okay, and then we moved over here.
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So there was a we stayed in contact, obviously.
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Um but when he offered that, I was like, yeah, why not?
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Let me let me go over there.
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I mean, it's significantly cheaper to get educated outside of the US.
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Yes.
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Um, that's but I yeah, I wanted some time with my dad.
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He's like my he's my bud.
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I love it.
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Yeah, yeah.
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And FYI guys, her dad is pretty awesome.
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I have to admit, he's he's I mean, he's pretty open-minded.
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He's pretty, I mean, yeah.
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I I he's he has a nice way about him.
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He has a really nice, um, a lovely energy about him, I have to have to admit.
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Yeah.
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Um, very calming in some way.
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Yeah.
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Um, but okay, so now.
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So now fast forward, we graduated, we have our master's degree.
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Yeah.
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We decide to come back to the US?
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I had my master's, I got my master's degree in psychodynamic counseling for children and adolescents, so still on the path of working with kids.
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That's right.
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Um, so decided to come back, or my um green card stuff had to come back so as not to lose my green card over here because I was still a s a British citizen.
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Okay.
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And green card holder over here.
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So I had to come back.
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Okay, understood.
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And but then stayed, right?
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I made a decision to stay for a number of different reasons.
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Okay.
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Um started working in the industry, liking my job, um, reconnecting with friends that I had before I moved over to the UK.
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Um, and then I got to a point in my career working um in the, you know, in-home family therapy, and I got promoted and was like a regional supervisor, and you know, but had reached a point the more the the higher you go, the less interaction you have with the clients, right?
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You know, this is the business owner.
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That's right.
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Um so I decided to go back to grad school again and went to Salem State and got a master's in social work.
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Okay.
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So while my master's from the UK um it was recognized here, there was no path to a licensure.
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Okay.
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So I had to do another master's to get a license.
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And the license is necessary to practice independently.
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Okay.
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Yeah.
00:17:20.720 --> 00:17:21.519
I've just said a lot.
00:17:21.839 --> 00:17:27.119
So now no, but you you clarified uh because I'm gonna fast forward now.
00:17:27.279 --> 00:17:27.599
Yeah.
00:17:27.839 --> 00:17:31.039
So we know you did all the things, we know a little bit about you.
00:17:31.119 --> 00:17:32.480
So now we've got to get into couples.
00:17:32.720 --> 00:17:33.440
Couples, let's go.
00:17:34.400 --> 00:17:35.440
Now we gotta dig in.
00:17:35.680 --> 00:17:36.000
Yeah.
00:17:36.240 --> 00:17:41.440
Now, yeah, what are some of the biggest complaints you have between couples?
00:17:41.759 --> 00:17:42.880
Between couples, okay.
00:17:43.119 --> 00:17:44.240
Some of the biggest, yeah.
00:17:44.400 --> 00:17:54.319
Uh well, it's it's so interesting because pretty much every couple I ask what would what would make this successful is we need help with communicating.
00:17:54.880 --> 00:17:56.480
That is the biggest thing.
00:17:56.720 --> 00:17:58.319
I gotta move things around right now.
00:17:59.359 --> 00:17:59.440
Okay.
00:18:00.319 --> 00:18:01.839
What kind of communicating?
00:18:02.079 --> 00:18:11.759
Well, it's it's funny because if you actually think about it, well, maybe not if you think about it, but so communication is very surface level.
00:18:11.920 --> 00:18:12.400
Right, right?
00:18:12.559 --> 00:18:13.839
You and I are communicating right now.
00:18:14.000 --> 00:18:14.319
That's right.
00:18:14.559 --> 00:18:18.400
Our bodies and our minds are doing lots of stuff as we communicate.
00:18:19.039 --> 00:18:30.960
Um when when you're in a romantic relationship or any other relationship, really, um, what gets in the way of communicating is one's nervous system.
00:18:31.279 --> 00:18:31.599
Okay.
00:18:31.920 --> 00:18:47.759
It's um so not to get too like brain-oriented, but you know, when when we're children, we we um create defense mechanisms um as a way to survive.
00:18:48.079 --> 00:18:48.400
Okay.
00:18:49.039 --> 00:19:02.480
And those defense mechanisms, when we're very in very close relationship with somebody, they they rear their ugly heads, and it's those defense mechanisms that move people away and make it hard to communicate.
00:19:02.559 --> 00:19:05.680
You can imagine, like when you're arguing with a loved one.
00:19:06.000 --> 00:19:07.039
And the 10-year-old shows up.
00:19:07.279 --> 00:19:08.640
The 10-year-old shows up.
00:19:09.039 --> 00:19:10.160
No, absolutely.
00:19:12.319 --> 00:19:13.119
You're absolutely right.
00:19:13.200 --> 00:19:13.839
No, no, no.
00:19:14.079 --> 00:19:15.359
You're absolutely right.
00:19:15.599 --> 00:19:21.279
Um, and relational life therapy, you and I have talked a little bit about this.
00:19:21.359 --> 00:19:22.480
This is Terrence Real.
00:19:22.720 --> 00:19:23.680
This is the Yes.
00:19:23.839 --> 00:19:24.400
Yeah, Terrence Real.
00:19:24.480 --> 00:19:24.880
Yeah, yeah.
00:19:25.200 --> 00:19:28.960
And so he he he calls that the adaptive child.
00:19:29.200 --> 00:19:29.519
Okay.
00:19:29.759 --> 00:19:41.759
So when you're in what he calls the adaptive child, what you just refer to as your 10-year-old self, you're you're responding from a place of unsafety.
00:19:42.000 --> 00:19:42.319
Okay.
00:19:43.200 --> 00:19:51.200
So, you know, you can either depending on your makeup, you're either either in fight, flight, or fix.
00:19:51.359 --> 00:19:51.519
Okay.
00:19:51.759 --> 00:19:52.720
Or fawn, right?
00:19:52.799 --> 00:19:54.559
They're they keep adding what adding them.
00:19:55.039 --> 00:19:59.680
So if you're a fighter, you imagine what your communication looks like.
00:19:59.920 --> 00:20:00.079
Yeah.
00:20:00.400 --> 00:20:09.759
If you're um fight, flight, if you're a flighter, if you're flighting, you're like shut down and your partner can't get through to you.
00:20:10.079 --> 00:20:24.079
So, and so the just to add to this, the most common in heterosexual couples, the most common dynamic we see is a pursuer and a an avoider.
00:20:24.480 --> 00:20:24.799
Okay.
00:20:25.359 --> 00:20:34.240
And if you think about that in like um attachment theory, it's like the anxious attachment and the avoidant attachment.
00:20:34.480 --> 00:20:34.559
Okay.
00:20:34.720 --> 00:20:39.359
And so those are those are the most common dynamic that you get.
00:20:40.319 --> 00:20:50.160
Um oftentimes, not always, oftentimes it's the female that is the pursuer, and oftentimes it's the male that's the avoider.
00:20:50.319 --> 00:20:52.000
Not always, that's not always the case.
00:20:52.400 --> 00:20:58.640
Um but that pattern, if you can imagine that playing out, can cause a lot of pain.
00:20:59.039 --> 00:21:10.160
And while it's about communication, it's about knowing what's going on in your body, where that comes from the past, why you present that way, so that you can change the script.
00:21:10.480 --> 00:21:10.799
Okay.
00:21:11.839 --> 00:21:13.440
So what okay.
00:21:13.839 --> 00:21:14.880
So what's your approach?
00:21:15.039 --> 00:21:16.720
When you're working with clients, where do you start?
00:21:17.039 --> 00:21:17.680
Where do I start?
00:21:17.839 --> 00:21:33.279
I I start with well, I think one of the things that I had to unlearn from other when I worked for the agencies that did in-home family therapy, the outcome was my responsibility.
00:21:33.599 --> 00:21:33.920
Okay.
00:21:35.039 --> 00:21:37.200
So I'm having I've had to unlearn that.
00:21:37.440 --> 00:21:42.480
The outcome of a couple is not my responsibility, it's their responsibility.
00:21:42.799 --> 00:21:47.920
So the reason I say that is because your question, I go into it without an agenda.
00:21:48.240 --> 00:21:48.480
Okay.
00:21:48.880 --> 00:21:54.240
I go into it with what's gonna make what's how's this gonna be successful for you?
00:21:54.880 --> 00:21:56.240
What would things look like?
00:21:56.400 --> 00:21:58.400
You know, the magic magic wand question.
00:21:58.480 --> 00:22:03.119
If I had a magic wand, And you woke up tomorrow, what would be different?
00:22:03.279 --> 00:22:04.960
And I want to see what would be different.
00:22:05.680 --> 00:22:07.200
I want them to say what would be different.
00:22:07.440 --> 00:22:09.519
Effectively, that's them setting their own goals.
00:22:12.400 --> 00:22:12.640
Okay.
00:22:12.880 --> 00:22:22.079
Yeah, so that's that's my my approach in terms of you know, first session is what what would this look like if it were a success?
00:22:23.759 --> 00:22:24.160
All right.
00:22:24.400 --> 00:22:25.920
So communication is the biggest one.
00:22:26.000 --> 00:22:28.480
What's the next biggest one amongst couples?
00:22:29.200 --> 00:22:30.000
Challenge that is.
00:22:30.880 --> 00:22:31.680
Mental load?
00:22:31.920 --> 00:22:34.160
Mental mint what do you mean by mental load?
00:22:34.559 --> 00:22:51.599
Um so mental load is the person in the couple that and I'm gonna choose a heterosexual couple that has children to talk about.
00:22:51.920 --> 00:22:52.160
Okay.
00:22:52.400 --> 00:23:23.839
It's the couple it's the person in the couple that has um the Christmas or holiday presence in mind that does the shopping, meal prepping, packing lunches, snacks, um, that has the all of the stuff, all of the annual, monthly, weekly, daily tasks on their plate.
00:23:24.160 --> 00:23:24.480
Okay.
00:23:25.279 --> 00:23:34.000
Um and what what we do see now more is that there is a more equal distribution of household tasks.
00:23:34.240 --> 00:23:34.400
Okay.
00:23:34.559 --> 00:23:36.000
We do see that more now.
00:23:36.319 --> 00:23:46.319
And there's usually um still the person in the couple that has those tasks in their head and maybe delegates them more.
00:23:46.559 --> 00:23:48.880
So that's like that's a snapshot of mental load.
00:23:49.039 --> 00:23:49.359
Okay.
00:23:49.599 --> 00:23:57.839
Can you guess generally in a heterosexual couple which part party has that going on?
00:23:58.559 --> 00:24:09.680
Usually the one that one the woman has the dates and the you know, because she's gotta be mindful of getting the kids to the school, yeah, or if they have activities that they need to get to.
00:24:09.839 --> 00:24:20.000
Yeah, and usually dad is working whatever number of hours, yeah, but it's mom who's delegating, like, I got the schedule up and I need I need and I only know that because of the people I work with.
00:24:20.240 --> 00:24:20.880
Yeah, exactly.
00:24:20.960 --> 00:24:21.599
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:24:21.839 --> 00:24:22.000
Okay.
00:24:22.240 --> 00:24:24.240
I think we serve some of the same population there.
00:24:24.559 --> 00:24:28.400
Yeah, so that's the only reason why I say it, not because men can't be in a similar situation.
00:24:29.039 --> 00:24:29.680
Absolutely, yeah.
00:24:29.839 --> 00:24:33.279
Um, and them scheduling themselves to try and get in to see me.
00:24:33.519 --> 00:24:36.799
I also recognize that like I have to do this, this, this, this before I get to you.
00:24:36.960 --> 00:24:43.519
So now, with we touched on the women a little bit.
00:24:43.920 --> 00:24:45.359
I'm gonna go to the men for a minute.
00:24:45.440 --> 00:24:46.640
I gotta come back to the men again.
00:24:46.960 --> 00:24:47.200
Yeah.
00:24:47.519 --> 00:24:55.440
So as a woman, I already know one of two things that we wish we could kind of work on and could be a little different.
00:24:55.519 --> 00:25:00.640
I'm not gonna say better, but a little different based on whatever our needs are or mindset is.
00:25:00.799 --> 00:25:02.799
Now, the men, do the men have any complaints?
00:25:02.960 --> 00:25:05.440
Because I don't think they complain about anything, do they?
00:25:05.599 --> 00:25:07.279
It's just us complaining most of the time.
00:25:07.440 --> 00:25:08.559
Would you say that?
00:25:09.680 --> 00:25:21.599
So if you I know that's not a free statement, but if we think about this pursuer withdrawal sort of dynamic, a lot of the a lot of what I hear from men is stop nagging me.
00:25:21.920 --> 00:25:22.480
Okay, right?
00:25:22.720 --> 00:25:24.160
They still use the in-word nagging.
00:25:24.480 --> 00:25:28.319
Nagging still comes up, or stop criticizing me, or that one.
00:25:28.559 --> 00:25:29.119
Yeah.
00:25:29.839 --> 00:25:33.519
Um, I'm whatever I do is not good enough.
00:25:34.000 --> 00:25:40.240
And I and um I asked my husband if I could use some examples, and he said yes.
00:25:40.319 --> 00:25:42.480
So I'm gonna I'm gonna take some creative liberty with that.
00:25:42.720 --> 00:25:43.359
Okay, awesome.
00:25:43.599 --> 00:25:49.839
Um in unsurprising in our dynamic, I'm the pursuer, he's the withdrawal.
00:25:50.000 --> 00:26:05.119
But then there's this other dynamic to it that um that even if he does everything his way, and it's his way is fine, there's a part of me that's like, but why don't you do it my way?
00:26:05.519 --> 00:26:08.400
My way's better, my way's the right way.
00:26:09.440 --> 00:26:11.839
And that can get tiresome.
00:26:12.079 --> 00:26:12.559
Right.
00:26:12.880 --> 00:26:23.359
Then if I do that, and when I do that, I do that sometimes, and I am much more aware of it now, um, I see him move further and further away.
00:26:23.519 --> 00:26:24.640
He withdraws more.
00:26:24.880 --> 00:26:33.920
So it's not about um it's not about one person in a couple making changes.
00:26:34.079 --> 00:26:36.559
It's about both people in the couple making changes.
00:26:36.799 --> 00:26:37.759
Does that make sense?
00:26:38.079 --> 00:26:43.039
But how many women are out there sitting right now thinking to themselves, yeah, but he does it wrong all the time.
00:26:43.279 --> 00:26:44.480
He just doesn't get it right.
00:26:44.640 --> 00:26:45.279
Yeah.
00:26:46.400 --> 00:26:46.880
You know what I mean?
00:26:47.119 --> 00:26:50.720
Yeah, I guess I guess the question to that would be who says what's right and what's wrong.
00:26:50.960 --> 00:26:51.200
Okay.
00:26:51.440 --> 00:27:02.799
That's sort of uh that's when we get into this other dynamic of who's the um who uh who who's what's the power dynamic?
00:27:03.359 --> 00:27:10.640
Who's the more superior one in the relationship and who's the one who's more filled with shame?
00:27:10.960 --> 00:27:11.200
Okay.
00:27:11.440 --> 00:27:12.000
Oh shame.
00:27:12.160 --> 00:27:18.960
Okay, so now what I'm gonna have to do is I'm gonna have to ask for because I understand the I understand what you're saying.
00:27:19.119 --> 00:27:19.359
Yes.
00:27:19.599 --> 00:27:22.640
But what are exam some examples of this happening?
00:27:22.799 --> 00:27:25.039
Like what does it look like when it shows up?
00:27:25.200 --> 00:27:25.359
Yes.
00:27:25.599 --> 00:27:26.720
What's what's an idea or two?
00:27:27.440 --> 00:27:28.000
The dishwasher.
00:27:28.079 --> 00:27:29.200
It's always about the dishwasher.
00:27:29.839 --> 00:27:30.000
Okay.
00:27:30.240 --> 00:27:31.440
What happens with the dishwasher?
00:27:32.880 --> 00:27:38.400
If any of my clients saw this, they would laugh because they say you always use that, you always use that as an example.
00:27:38.640 --> 00:27:43.920
Um you you load the dishwasher wrong.
00:27:44.240 --> 00:27:44.559
Okay.
00:27:45.039 --> 00:27:46.319
There actually, I did look this up.
00:27:46.400 --> 00:27:50.079
There actually is technically a right way to load a dishwasher, but that's that's beside the point.
00:27:50.720 --> 00:27:51.519
I didn't know that there was.
00:27:52.480 --> 00:27:52.640
Okay.
00:27:53.359 --> 00:27:53.680
Okay.
00:27:54.160 --> 00:28:04.720
But if he's putting dishes in the dishwasher and running the dishwasher and emptying it and putting them away, even if he puts a cup over here, when I want the cups over over there, that's a stupid example.
00:28:04.799 --> 00:28:05.680
He doesn't do that.
00:28:06.079 --> 00:28:12.000
Um but you know, if he puts a big spoon in the little spoon section, who cares?
00:28:12.559 --> 00:28:14.880
Why it's it that becomes about control.
00:28:15.039 --> 00:28:16.720
Why is my way the right way?
00:28:17.039 --> 00:28:17.279
Okay.
00:28:17.839 --> 00:28:20.480
And it's about letting go of some of that control.
00:28:20.880 --> 00:28:21.200
Okay.
00:28:22.079 --> 00:28:28.559
So okay, so that being said, because as a woman, I'm gonna default to, but we always need to be right.
00:28:29.119 --> 00:28:29.759
No, that's not true.
00:28:29.920 --> 00:28:31.519
I just I it's a generalization.
00:28:31.599 --> 00:28:33.599
I know it's very gross, but I'm gonna throw it out.
00:28:33.839 --> 00:28:44.160
So, woman to woman, what I what I will ask you then is yeah, as a woman who's the pursuer, is there something we probably need to work on ourselves?
00:28:44.559 --> 00:28:48.880
I mean, you say control, but yes, what it what are some things um top three?
00:28:49.039 --> 00:28:52.640
Because I know it's easy to go, oh, these men, you know what they did and the thing and the thing.
00:28:52.720 --> 00:28:55.839
Yeah, however, yeah, I want to put it all out there.
00:28:56.079 --> 00:28:57.519
I'm not gonna leave anybody out today.
00:28:57.759 --> 00:28:58.000
Yeah.
00:28:58.319 --> 00:29:05.039
So well, and Terrence Real would say the answer to who's right and who's wrong is who cares.
00:29:05.680 --> 00:29:07.519
Because it's not a relational.
00:29:08.000 --> 00:29:09.920
Yeah, it's not relational.
00:29:10.079 --> 00:29:14.079
I'm right means you're wrong, I'm winning means you're losing.
00:29:14.319 --> 00:29:14.559
Okay.
00:29:14.799 --> 00:29:21.279
And that's that's a that's not a it's not a pretty dynamic in romantic relationships.
00:29:21.440 --> 00:29:22.640
That's not a good dynamic.
00:29:22.880 --> 00:29:23.200
Okay.
00:29:23.680 --> 00:29:29.440
Um yeah, sorry, I just tried lost my train of thought.
00:29:29.519 --> 00:29:32.480
But um, so that that would be one answer to it.
00:29:32.640 --> 00:29:41.359
But to to your point, like, do women need to in you know, this this conversation we're having, women need to do some work too.
00:29:41.680 --> 00:29:42.000
Okay.
00:29:42.160 --> 00:29:42.480
Yeah.
00:29:43.039 --> 00:29:44.240
Oh, that's what I was gonna say.
00:29:44.400 --> 00:30:03.279
So back when I was um doing in-home family therapy stuff, I think the research suggested for every one negative thing you say to a child, a partner, a parent, a sibling, whatever, a friend, you have to counterbalance that with 10 positive to make it even.
00:30:03.440 --> 00:30:07.279
The research now suggests for every one negative, you have to have 20 positive.
00:30:07.519 --> 00:30:11.279
To, you know, like relationships are like a bank account, right?
00:30:11.359 --> 00:30:14.000
You need to make deposits so that you can make withdrawals.
00:30:14.559 --> 00:30:16.319
It's transactional in ways.
00:30:16.880 --> 00:30:28.720
Um, so if if I go home and nag my loving husband once, I gotta, I gotta say some positive stuff to counterbalance that.
00:30:29.200 --> 00:30:37.599
So that like it it doesn't matter if the dishwasher is the is loaded in a specific way.
00:30:37.759 --> 00:30:40.720
The dishes are getting done, they're clean, right?
00:30:41.200 --> 00:30:41.759
Does that make sense?
00:30:42.000 --> 00:30:56.240
No, that makes perfect, but what I'm also hearing is is pretty much I don't want to say all the time this is gonna sound awful, but it feels like whatever's happening, it sounds like your words have need to be coming from a loving place in general all the time.
00:30:56.480 --> 00:30:56.720
Absolutely.
00:30:56.960 --> 00:31:02.640
It's not just some of the time, like, oh, I just know I just nagged him or I said something not so cool or something he didn't care for.
00:31:02.799 --> 00:31:04.799
Yeah, so now I gotta 20, I gotta count.
00:31:05.680 --> 00:31:07.200
I'm gonna do let me see.
00:31:07.440 --> 00:31:10.880
I'm gonna get five in the morning, I'm gonna do 10 around.
00:31:11.839 --> 00:31:12.559
You know what I mean?
00:31:12.960 --> 00:31:14.880
Like, yeah, you know what I'm saying?
00:31:15.119 --> 00:31:21.759
Yeah, like and and so in my mind, the way I'm interpreting it is well, your words should be coming from a loving place in the first place.
00:31:21.839 --> 00:31:43.920
Yeah, but if I'm coming from a place of nagging or controlling, or however you want to look at it, and there's obviously work that I need to do in the first place, not to say that he aren't he isn't doing things that aren't annoying, but I'm with you, like, okay, so let's say dishwasher, the dishes are in there dirty and they're in the wrong place, the cup is where the plate should be, the plate is where the spoon should be, I don't know.
00:31:44.240 --> 00:31:48.559
But in my mind, I think, oh, thank God he put something in the dishwasher and turned it on.
00:31:48.720 --> 00:31:52.319
Yeah, like right, but that's where I am, I don't care about the dishwasher.
00:31:52.480 --> 00:31:56.640
Yeah, however, but that's also what I'm thinking about too.
00:31:56.720 --> 00:32:05.519
Like, okay, geez, if I'm in that space in the first place, or if it's even hard for me to come from a loving place, because it's not what you say, it's how you say it, right?
00:32:06.160 --> 00:32:07.279
Even if you don't agree.
00:32:07.599 --> 00:32:08.880
Yeah, that's right.
00:32:09.119 --> 00:32:10.400
That's right, that's right.
00:32:10.559 --> 00:32:25.680
And I think, you know, um all relationships go through maybe on a daily, weekly, monthly, annually basis, they go through periods of harmony where we're good.
00:32:26.319 --> 00:32:36.720
You know, we don't have to think about the 20 to 1 type thing, disharmony where we're arguing, and arguing is actually a good thing, it can be a good thing, right?
00:32:37.279 --> 00:32:40.559
Um, and the repair, that's vital.
00:32:40.880 --> 00:32:51.279
So using this dishwasher example, and I'm I've belabored it to a silly point, but you know, if I say, Can you put the gosh darn cup in the right place?
00:32:51.759 --> 00:32:54.720
I then have to make a repair, and that is vital.
00:32:54.880 --> 00:33:03.839
And I think a lot of times when couples get into this almost like standoff, they don't they don't want to make a repair.
00:33:04.000 --> 00:33:06.240
Making a repair is vulnerable.
00:33:06.880 --> 00:33:10.640
You need to come down to make a repair.
00:33:10.799 --> 00:33:15.039
To make an apology, to receive an apology, you have to be open to that.
00:33:15.279 --> 00:33:17.279
And that's vulnerable and that's scary.
00:33:17.519 --> 00:33:17.839
Okay.
00:33:18.319 --> 00:33:20.480
But we have we it's that's hard.
00:33:20.559 --> 00:33:24.160
And most people don't want to be vulnerable because again, we come, we circle back and run.
00:33:24.640 --> 00:33:26.720
They don't want to be wrong, they want to win.
00:33:26.880 --> 00:33:31.440
Even they'll say, uh, oh, it's not about winning, but they want it to win, right?
00:33:31.599 --> 00:33:36.400
If we really peel the layers back, yeah, absolutely and look at it for what it is, right?
00:33:36.559 --> 00:33:41.359
Yeah, so how does one practice that or learn how to do it?
00:33:41.440 --> 00:33:42.480
Because that's scary, right?
00:33:42.559 --> 00:33:46.319
Yeah, that means I'm not tough, I'm not strong.
00:33:46.559 --> 00:33:53.039
That that opens you up for who knows what next time around of maybe, and I'm going extreme, right?
00:33:53.200 --> 00:33:53.759
Taking it back.
00:33:54.079 --> 00:33:56.400
I mean, and just to be clear, I am married, right?
00:33:56.559 --> 00:34:00.960
So I understand what you're saying because I've we've my husband and I we've had our disagreements.
00:34:01.119 --> 00:34:02.000
We have our disagreements.
00:34:02.319 --> 00:34:03.359
We have one the other day.
00:34:03.440 --> 00:34:03.839
Yeah.
00:34:04.160 --> 00:34:10.480
So, you know, but that means like, geez, I'm raw, I'm open, yeah, and I don't know what's gonna come.
00:34:10.639 --> 00:34:11.039
Yeah, right.
00:34:11.199 --> 00:34:14.079
So now we got safety, we got trust, we got a couple of things going.
00:34:14.239 --> 00:34:15.280
Yeah, yeah.
00:34:15.440 --> 00:34:17.119
How does one work with that?
00:34:17.840 --> 00:34:21.840
Well, I think uh in so many ways, right?
00:34:21.920 --> 00:34:34.880
I think recognition, for first and foremost, recognition that being in any relationship, not even just romantic, but um being in any relationship, there is vulnerability.
00:34:35.760 --> 00:34:45.440
Um in order to meet new people, you and I met you know a couple years ago, and in order to meet new people, you have to be open, you have to have an open heart.
00:34:45.599 --> 00:34:46.079
Right.
00:34:46.320 --> 00:34:58.000
Um and so there's another word for um the this pursuer, avoider, there's another word for avoider and it's shut down.
00:34:58.639 --> 00:35:01.519
If somebody's shut down, you can't access them.
00:35:02.159 --> 00:35:04.159
And then where where do you go from there?
00:35:04.320 --> 00:35:09.519
So that there needs to be a recognition that vulnerability is part of relation, relationship.
00:35:09.920 --> 00:35:15.039
And if you don't want to be vulnerable, then maybe don't be in a relationship.
00:35:15.360 --> 00:35:16.960
Okay, so it's funny you say that.
00:35:17.360 --> 00:35:23.920
Because now I'm feeling like in my mind, I go inner child, I go right back, right?
00:35:24.159 --> 00:35:33.119
Yeah, and as someone, and I'll I'll speaking from myself, and I'm not gonna get all d delve too deep in this, yeah.
00:35:33.360 --> 00:35:36.239
I'm not opposed to therapy or having a therapist.
00:35:36.480 --> 00:35:38.719
Matter of fact, I find I find it's beneficial.
00:35:38.800 --> 00:35:40.000
I'll I'll say that.
00:35:40.239 --> 00:35:59.039
And not because I can't talk to friends, but there are some things that I recognize that I don't care to talk to my friends about, and not because I don't trust or love them, and I I don't believe, I do believe that they do trust, they love me and only want the best from me, but they're not they're emotionally invested.
00:35:59.280 --> 00:36:00.239
You got it.
00:36:00.880 --> 00:36:06.239
And sometimes I need someone to to be like, Laura, shake me up a little bit.
00:36:06.480 --> 00:36:07.280
Hey, listen.
00:36:07.440 --> 00:36:10.400
Yeah, had you thought about it this way, this way, and the other way.
00:36:10.559 --> 00:36:11.199
Yeah, absolutely.
00:36:11.360 --> 00:36:11.440
Right.
00:36:12.159 --> 00:36:24.400
So I guess the the the point is is it helps to talk to other people, but you know, it it is hard to be vulnerable and and and allow that to happen.
00:36:24.639 --> 00:36:24.960
Yeah.
00:36:25.199 --> 00:36:29.199
And but what do you do with someone who's just like it's a safe place for them?
00:36:29.440 --> 00:36:31.760
They automatically again revert to their 10-year-old.
00:36:32.320 --> 00:36:43.599
Because at some point in time, as a therapist told me, or mine told me, she said, uh, it must be safer for him to be in that spot than it is to be open with you right now.
00:36:43.840 --> 00:36:44.800
Yep, yep.
00:36:45.360 --> 00:36:51.760
So you've you've said, so you asked how do we work on this, and you said the magic words in a child.
00:36:52.159 --> 00:36:52.400
Yeah.
00:36:52.559 --> 00:37:10.800
So in a child work, whether we call that trauma work, whether we call that um parts work, whether we call that um just identifying where this um defense mechanism or relational stance, as Terry Wheel would call it, comes from, doing some work with it.
00:37:11.519 --> 00:37:21.119
And um in a relationship, you can't be protected and connected at the same time.
00:37:23.280 --> 00:37:23.599
Okay.
00:37:26.239 --> 00:37:27.199
Yeah, it makes sense.
00:37:27.599 --> 00:37:28.719
Have to be open.
00:37:29.119 --> 00:37:29.360
Okay.
00:37:30.639 --> 00:37:35.920
Or you don't, but they're con there there's reproductive concept.
00:37:36.800 --> 00:37:37.280
Exactly, yeah.
00:37:37.440 --> 00:37:37.840
The other thing.
00:37:38.159 --> 00:37:38.559
You got it.
00:37:38.880 --> 00:37:41.920
So I want to touch on um, if I can, with you.
00:37:42.960 --> 00:37:46.800
And again, Terence Wheel, but we we talked about this um briefly.
00:37:47.199 --> 00:37:48.239
Parts, yeah.
00:37:48.719 --> 00:37:49.599
You know, yeah.
00:37:49.760 --> 00:37:53.440
Um that's a word that has come up multiple times for me.
00:37:53.599 --> 00:38:06.719
Okay, um, for my own reasons, but I would love you to explain that a little bit to people because I think it's valuable, yeah, and I think it's it's gonna be beneficial to a lot of people who never heard the word, at least not in this manner.
00:38:07.119 --> 00:38:07.280
Yeah.
00:38:07.440 --> 00:38:09.280
Um, so could you talk a little bit about parts?
00:38:09.599 --> 00:38:09.840
Yeah.
00:38:10.079 --> 00:38:23.360
So I think without getting too detailed into it, there's like a simple question is I bet there's or what what is what's that part of you that finds it hard to be vulnerable in this moment?
00:38:23.920 --> 00:38:24.320
Right?
00:38:24.880 --> 00:38:27.840
What's that part of you that wants to be vulnerable?
00:38:28.000 --> 00:38:33.280
Because I think um we um I just got distracted.
00:38:33.440 --> 00:38:33.679
Yes.
00:38:34.000 --> 00:38:40.320
Um so okay, so we we don't so uh for using today as an example.
00:38:40.480 --> 00:38:41.760
I was excited to come today.
00:38:41.920 --> 00:38:47.599
Part of me was excited, part of me was very nervous, part of me was But you're awesome.
00:38:48.800 --> 00:38:50.000
I see the exact same thing.
00:38:50.159 --> 00:38:58.400
No very rarely do we have one feeling, thought, or yeah, feeling or thought about something.
00:38:58.880 --> 00:39:15.280
So this parts work helps us go, okay, there's a part of me that wants to be vulnerable, there's a part of me that's really scared, and there's a part of me that wants things to be different in my relationship, and so what do then then it's just easier to talk about.
00:39:15.360 --> 00:39:18.559
It's not I'm scared and I'm shut down over here.
00:39:18.800 --> 00:39:24.480
It's not that I'm totally open and I'm gonna be so vulnerable that you're gonna be able to really hurt me.
00:39:24.880 --> 00:39:28.320
Um it's not that it's not all, it's not all or nothing.
00:39:28.559 --> 00:39:29.679
Okay, it's just part of the whole.
00:39:30.000 --> 00:39:30.639
It's part of the whole thing.
00:39:30.800 --> 00:39:34.159
If I think of a pie chart, I think in terms of slices.
00:39:34.400 --> 00:39:34.559
Yeah.
00:39:34.800 --> 00:39:36.400
And that's just a part of the whole.
00:39:36.559 --> 00:39:36.960
Yeah.
00:39:37.199 --> 00:39:38.400
And okay.
00:39:38.559 --> 00:39:38.960
Yeah.
00:39:39.280 --> 00:39:42.960
So um because we're getting to that point where we're getting low on time.
00:39:43.440 --> 00:39:47.840
What would you recommend for for work for couples to do to help themselves?
00:39:48.000 --> 00:39:48.159
Yeah.
00:39:48.320 --> 00:39:48.480
Okay.
00:39:48.719 --> 00:39:49.679
If that's what they want to do.
00:39:49.920 --> 00:39:50.239
Yeah.
00:39:50.480 --> 00:40:01.199
I mean, it's you know, reach out to a therapist if that feels um like the level they want to go to, or if they just want to try some stuff at home.
00:40:01.440 --> 00:40:05.360
Um, you know, planning is vital.
00:40:05.760 --> 00:40:13.119
Um, so you know, we my husband and I don't do it every week, but most weeks we do, and we don't have kids, right?
00:40:13.199 --> 00:40:14.400
But we're still like planning.
00:40:14.480 --> 00:40:27.760
We're planning for retirement, we're planning for, you know, to have the trees trimmed this weekend, you know, we're planning financially, we're planning um, you know, friends, family visiting, you know, all that kind of stuff.
00:40:27.840 --> 00:40:28.480
So planning.
00:40:28.639 --> 00:40:44.480
So taking even like a 10-minute, 20-minute window over the weekend of saying, here are the financial things we have coming up, here are the um tasks we have for the household, um, here are the fun things we want to do.
00:40:44.960 --> 00:40:53.119
Um, and also using that time um to to also connect and say, How are we doing this week?
00:40:53.199 --> 00:40:55.920
Do you feel like you're getting what you need from me?
00:40:56.320 --> 00:40:57.599
What more might you need?
00:40:57.760 --> 00:41:00.400
I feel like I'm getting what I need from you, that kind of thing.
00:41:00.559 --> 00:41:05.360
So, again, not transactional in like an ugly way, but I need X.
00:41:05.519 --> 00:41:07.599
What can I do to get help you give me X?
00:41:07.760 --> 00:41:08.000
Right.
00:41:08.239 --> 00:41:10.719
So planning is a big part.
00:41:11.039 --> 00:41:25.760
Um, I can't think off the top of my head what well, okay, but because you did a wonderful job of uh making a list of some things, and you mentioned being intentional, being intentional, and active listening.
00:41:25.920 --> 00:41:26.320
There we go.
00:41:26.480 --> 00:41:28.960
Okay, so active listening is a massive one.
00:41:29.519 --> 00:41:34.880
And I can tell that you're actively listening to me right now because you are looking at me, you are nodding, right?
00:41:35.039 --> 00:41:35.840
All that kind of stuff.
00:41:36.320 --> 00:41:50.400
Um, so what can happen oftentimes is that I come home from work and I vent to my husband, and his go-to is problem solving.
00:41:50.639 --> 00:41:51.840
That's not what I need.
00:41:52.320 --> 00:41:56.559
I don't want to blame that just being on men, but yeah, I find it's sometimes to that point.
00:41:56.639 --> 00:42:02.320
There there are there's three types of listening, and I've learned this from Terry.
00:42:02.480 --> 00:42:08.320
There's active list, uh sorry, there's um problem solving, which is coded masculine.
00:42:08.480 --> 00:42:11.760
That comes easier to men generally.
00:42:12.239 --> 00:42:20.639
And oftentimes can just the the desire for a different kind of listening can cause an argument, right?
00:42:20.800 --> 00:42:25.760
So, and the second type of listening is coded feminine, and that's empathic listening.
00:42:26.000 --> 00:42:26.719
Okay, right?
00:42:26.960 --> 00:42:36.079
So, so even knowing the difference between that and saying to your partner, honey, I just need 10 minutes, I'm gonna vent, I don't want you to try and problem solve for me.
00:42:36.400 --> 00:42:39.119
I got this, I just need to get this out of my system.
00:42:39.360 --> 00:42:47.199
And giving parameters to it, because you know, we're talking in cliches, and that and they're cliches for a reason.
00:42:47.440 --> 00:42:53.119
If you know, if a if a man hears, honey, I need to talk to you, oh my god, how long is this gonna be?
00:42:53.280 --> 00:42:54.880
We're gonna be up till four in the morning, right?
00:42:55.119 --> 00:42:58.159
So give giving like some some um guidance to it.
00:42:58.320 --> 00:43:00.320
I just need 10 minutes, I'm just gonna talk, da-da-da.
00:43:00.480 --> 00:43:01.199
You just listen.
00:43:01.360 --> 00:43:02.880
Um that's helpful.
00:43:03.039 --> 00:43:05.840
And and also it's hard to be a listener.
00:43:05.920 --> 00:43:07.440
Okay, it's really hard to be a listener.
00:43:07.519 --> 00:43:10.079
So saying, What do you need from me?
00:43:10.400 --> 00:43:14.239
Do you need some problem solving or do you need some empathic response?
00:43:14.400 --> 00:43:16.079
Just just know what you need.
00:43:16.320 --> 00:43:18.639
And again, and ask and express what you need.
00:43:19.039 --> 00:43:20.800
Does that go both ways, male, female?
00:43:20.880 --> 00:43:21.679
It doesn't matter which side.
00:43:22.079 --> 00:43:22.400
Exactly.
00:43:22.480 --> 00:43:22.639
Yeah.
00:43:23.039 --> 00:43:23.280
Okay.
00:43:23.519 --> 00:43:23.920
Yeah.
00:43:24.159 --> 00:43:24.719
All right.
00:43:24.880 --> 00:43:25.440
Yeah.
00:43:25.679 --> 00:43:28.559
Um, I believe this has been very helpful.
00:43:29.119 --> 00:43:30.719
Um, this has been a lot of fun.
00:43:30.960 --> 00:43:31.599
Yeah.
00:43:32.079 --> 00:43:36.960
If someone wants to meet with you, or they want more information, how do they find you?
00:43:37.119 --> 00:43:38.400
Where can we where can we find you?
00:43:38.559 --> 00:43:41.440
Do you have contact information where where we can get in touch with you?
00:43:41.840 --> 00:43:43.280
So I'm on psychology today.
00:43:43.440 --> 00:43:43.599
Okay.
00:43:43.760 --> 00:43:47.840
And that's a um, as you know, sort of a place that you can find therapists.
00:43:48.079 --> 00:43:54.719
I also have a website and it's edithblock.com, and that gives that got my contact information there.
00:43:55.119 --> 00:43:59.519
And also before I let you go, Terence Wheel or Terry Will, as I know him.
00:44:00.159 --> 00:44:00.800
I know him personally.
00:44:00.880 --> 00:44:00.960
Yeah.
00:44:01.199 --> 00:44:02.079
I don't I don't either.
00:44:02.320 --> 00:44:02.800
Yeah.
00:44:03.119 --> 00:44:09.039
But he was recommended to me years ago, and we just happened to be talking about it.
00:44:09.119 --> 00:44:11.360
But I'm gonna ask you to mention him again.
00:44:11.440 --> 00:44:11.599
Yeah.
00:44:11.840 --> 00:44:17.199
And specifically exactly what he what he does in case people here want to look him up.
00:44:17.280 --> 00:44:17.760
Yeah, yes.
00:44:18.079 --> 00:44:19.760
So can you give us just a little bit more?
00:44:20.079 --> 00:44:25.360
I mean, we're not trying to promote, but he is, I find that he's he's um very clear.
00:44:25.599 --> 00:44:26.000
Yes.
00:44:26.239 --> 00:44:28.320
Uh he's very structured and very organized.
00:44:28.960 --> 00:44:30.719
He's very easy to understand.
00:44:30.800 --> 00:44:31.039
Yes.
00:44:31.280 --> 00:44:32.000
That's why I say that.
00:44:32.159 --> 00:44:32.320
Yeah.
00:44:32.559 --> 00:44:40.400
And you can find yeah, so he um he is a man, of course, and he's his background is family therapy.
00:44:40.480 --> 00:44:43.119
He's done a lot of male mental health um stuff.
00:44:43.199 --> 00:44:46.639
He's got a book called I Don't Wanna Talk About It, which is fantastic.
00:44:46.800 --> 00:44:52.000
Um, and he's got a number of couples um books that um you can look at.
00:44:52.159 --> 00:44:55.199
One's called Us, one's called I've read that one.
00:44:55.360 --> 00:44:55.599
You have.
00:44:55.760 --> 00:44:55.840
Okay.
00:44:56.000 --> 00:44:57.280
That's what it's a good one, isn't it?
00:44:57.440 --> 00:44:57.840
It is good.
00:44:57.920 --> 00:44:58.159
It is good.
00:44:58.239 --> 00:45:03.679
And it and he it's got a lot in there, you know, this adaptive child stuff, different scenarios, things of that nature.
00:45:03.920 --> 00:45:05.119
Yeah, it's pretty cool, actually.
00:45:05.440 --> 00:45:07.760
He's got a website, he's got a website, of course.
00:45:07.920 --> 00:45:13.440
He's also a I follow him on Facebook and he gives like little snaps, snaps, you know, little introductions of stuff.
00:45:13.519 --> 00:45:19.360
And um, he what I love about him is he he identifies as a recovering narcissist.
00:45:19.760 --> 00:45:20.719
Okay, all right.
00:45:20.880 --> 00:45:22.000
I did not know that.
00:45:22.239 --> 00:45:22.559
Okay.
00:45:22.880 --> 00:45:29.360
So yeah, and yeah, he I yeah, he's he's his model just fits sort of my personality and what I believe in.
00:45:29.440 --> 00:45:38.559
So he does he does come from a from a theor a theoretical stance of working within the patriarch, which we all live in.
00:45:39.840 --> 00:45:42.320
Yeah, okay, again, this has been fun.
00:45:42.559 --> 00:45:43.199
Yeah.
00:45:43.679 --> 00:45:51.119
And I guess last but not least, is there anything else, any small bit of advice that you want people to know?
00:45:51.519 --> 00:45:52.559
Um yeah.
00:45:52.800 --> 00:45:52.960
Yeah.
00:45:53.440 --> 00:45:55.440
Last bit of advice before we sign off.
00:45:55.679 --> 00:46:02.239
Um, very quickly, I think people tend to have their priorities upside down.
00:46:03.119 --> 00:46:06.239
And the first order of priority is self.
00:46:06.480 --> 00:46:14.480
The second order of priority is a partner relationship, and then doing those helps take care of the kids.
00:46:14.800 --> 00:46:14.960
Okay.
00:46:15.199 --> 00:46:15.440
Right?
00:46:15.599 --> 00:46:18.559
I think a lot of people with kids, that's their priority.
00:46:18.639 --> 00:46:18.719
Right.
00:46:18.880 --> 00:46:22.320
And they're not working on the relationship, they're not work not working on themselves.
00:46:22.480 --> 00:46:22.719
Okay.
00:46:22.880 --> 00:46:25.519
Which makes day-to-day stuff hard, as you know.
00:46:25.760 --> 00:46:26.719
Yeah, I do know.
00:46:26.880 --> 00:46:27.760
I'm very aware.
00:46:29.280 --> 00:46:30.079
Okay, again.
00:46:30.239 --> 00:46:31.199
This has been amazing.
00:46:32.000 --> 00:46:33.599
It has been incredibly helpful.
00:46:33.920 --> 00:46:36.800
Thank you so much for spending time with us today.
00:46:37.039 --> 00:46:37.199
Yeah.
00:46:37.360 --> 00:46:38.719
Um, I I'm excited.
00:46:38.800 --> 00:46:42.159
I I know this is is gonna be beneficial for someone.
00:46:42.320 --> 00:46:44.639
Yeah, it's actually it's been very beneficial for me.
00:46:45.440 --> 00:46:46.960
Thank you so much for spending time with us.
00:46:47.119 --> 00:46:47.519
You're welcome.
00:46:47.679 --> 00:46:50.159
And hopefully we can have you back again anytime.
00:46:50.400 --> 00:46:50.800
Real soon.
00:46:51.119 --> 00:46:51.360
Anytime.
00:46:51.920 --> 00:46:52.880
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
00:46:53.119 --> 00:46:53.440
Thank you.
00:46:53.679 --> 00:46:56.880
Everyone, this is Bear Speak, formerly Bear Fitness.
00:46:56.960 --> 00:47:03.519
I'm Laura Williamson, your host, and we will see you, actually, see you next time.
00:47:03.679 --> 00:47:04.559
Have a great day.