WEBVTT
1
00:00:04.719 --> 00:00:08.519
Hi, I'm Chad Bettis, author of The Disciple-Making Parent, and
2
00:00:08.619 --> 00:00:11.160
this is my audio blog, where I read some of
3
00:00:11.199 --> 00:00:15.900
my blog posts in audio format for your convenience. Well,
4
00:00:16.000 --> 00:00:19.129
in today's episode, we're going to be thinking about preventing
5
00:00:19.410 --> 00:00:24.789
destructive marital conflict. Conflict in marriage is a common issue.
6
00:00:25.410 --> 00:00:29.019
It's not the sign of an unhealthy marriage. The goal
7
00:00:29.089 --> 00:00:33.060
is not to have a conflict-free marriage. The goal is
8
00:00:33.119 --> 00:00:37.979
to have healthy conflict. Healthy conflict actually builds a marriage.
9
00:00:38.780 --> 00:00:44.609
Unhealthy or destructive conflict can destroy a marriage. Well, what
10
00:00:44.649 --> 00:00:47.750
are some principles that can keep us from destructive conflict?
11
00:00:48.729 --> 00:00:54.789
I would suggest the following. Number one, cultivate self-awareness. The
12
00:00:54.829 --> 00:00:57.649
rest of these principles will do no good if you're
13
00:00:57.670 --> 00:01:01.700
not aware of, or if you're constantly excusing, what comes
14
00:01:01.840 --> 00:01:04.819
out of your mouth. We must start with an ongoing
15
00:01:04.879 --> 00:01:09.000
awareness of what we say and micro-repentance for what we
16
00:01:09.079 --> 00:01:13.400
say sinfully. Proverbs 14.8 says, The wisdom of the prudent
17
00:01:13.540 --> 00:01:16.469
is to give thought to his way, but the folly
18
00:01:16.510 --> 00:01:21.730
of fools is deceiving. And Proverbs 10.9 says, When words
19
00:01:21.790 --> 00:01:25.000
are many, sin is not absent. But he who holds
20
00:01:25.040 --> 00:01:31.750
his tongue is wise. So number one, cultivate self-awareness. Number two,
21
00:01:31.969 --> 00:01:36.709
cultivate humility, correctability, and a desire to grow to be
22
00:01:36.750 --> 00:01:39.950
like Christ. We want to seek to live for an
23
00:01:40.069 --> 00:01:42.969
audience of one, no matter what the other party does.
24
00:01:43.829 --> 00:01:48.260
Becoming more holy and Christ-like means communicating in a more
25
00:01:48.400 --> 00:01:55.040
Christ-like way. Focus on your own growth in communication. Matthew 12,
26
00:01:55.040 --> 00:01:57.739
36 says, on the day of judgment, people will give
27
00:01:57.780 --> 00:02:02.099
an account for every careless word they have spoken. And
28
00:02:02.120 --> 00:02:06.200
Proverbs 27, 17 says, as iron sharpens iron, so one
29
00:02:06.280 --> 00:02:12.930
person sharpens another. So number two, cultivate humility, correctability, and
30
00:02:12.969 --> 00:02:17.389
a desire to grow, to be like Christ. Number three,
31
00:02:17.530 --> 00:02:21.830
identify and attack the problem, not the person. It's easy
32
00:02:21.870 --> 00:02:24.689
to lose focus of the problem that's causing the conflict
33
00:02:24.810 --> 00:02:28.680
and begin attacking the person. This starts with the desire
34
00:02:28.740 --> 00:02:31.379
not to build the family, but to win, to win
35
00:02:31.400 --> 00:02:35.379
the argument. Often that means using sentences that start with you,
36
00:02:36.280 --> 00:02:40.319
attacking the motives of the other person, generalizing to the character,
37
00:02:40.419 --> 00:02:45.039
or skipping to another problem. Stick to one conflict at
38
00:02:45.090 --> 00:02:49.750
a time. Ephesians 4.26 says, In your anger, do not sin.
39
00:02:50.629 --> 00:02:54.669
So number three, identify and attack the problem, not the person.
40
00:02:55.770 --> 00:03:01.860
Number four, understand, then be understood. Seek to understand the conflict.
41
00:03:02.319 --> 00:03:05.099
What are the desires of the other person? Seek to
42
00:03:05.180 --> 00:03:07.819
listen to not only the words, but the heart behind
43
00:03:07.860 --> 00:03:11.860
the words. Seek to understand not only the positions, but
44
00:03:11.900 --> 00:03:17.610
the interests or the desires underneath it. Proverbs 20 verse
45
00:03:17.610 --> 00:03:19.990
5 says, The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters,
46
00:03:20.030 --> 00:03:23.409
but a man of understanding draws them out. Proverbs 8
47
00:03:23.409 --> 00:03:26.189
verse 2 says, A fool takes no pleasure in understanding,
48
00:03:26.610 --> 00:03:31.259
but only in expressing his opinion. James 1 verse 19 says,
49
00:03:31.659 --> 00:03:38.080
Everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak. Understand,
50
00:03:38.680 --> 00:03:44.780
then be understood. Don't use reckless words, but pleasant words.
51
00:03:45.729 --> 00:03:48.840
You know, we can choose inflaming words or calming words.
52
00:03:50.039 --> 00:03:54.860
Inflaming words are you never, you always. We want to
53
00:03:54.960 --> 00:03:59.889
use pleasant words. Proverbs 12, 18 says, Reckless words pierce
54
00:03:59.909 --> 00:04:03.169
like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
55
00:04:04.469 --> 00:04:08.310
And Proverbs 16, 21 says, The wise in heart are
56
00:04:08.349 --> 00:04:14.300
called discerning, and pleasant words promote understanding. So number five,
57
00:04:14.360 --> 00:04:18.360
don't use reckless words, but pleasant words. Number six, respond
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00:04:18.399 --> 00:04:21.259
to anger with gentleness. Or if you're the one given
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00:04:21.300 --> 00:04:25.439
to anger, control that anger. A gentle answer turns away wrath,
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00:04:25.500 --> 00:04:30.350
but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15.1. Do
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00:04:30.389 --> 00:04:34.290
not repay an insult with insult, but with blessing. For
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00:04:34.389 --> 00:04:38.709
to this you are called. 1 Peter 3.9. A fool
63
00:04:39.009 --> 00:04:41.879
gives full vent to his anger, but a wise person
64
00:04:41.980 --> 00:04:48.439
keeps himself under control. Proverbs 29, 11. And in your anger,
65
00:04:48.519 --> 00:04:53.860
do not sin. Ephesians 4, 26. Respond to anger with gentleness,
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00:04:54.339 --> 00:04:57.550
or if you're the one given to anger, control that anger.
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00:04:58.490 --> 00:05:03.329
Number seven, cultivate a forbearing spirit that properly overlooks two things,
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00:05:03.769 --> 00:05:08.000
sin and differences that are not sinful. Why? Why? Well,
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00:05:08.019 --> 00:05:11.910
because Christ is overlooked and is overlooking much in you.
70
00:05:12.649 --> 00:05:16.490
Don't be a nitpicking spouse constantly trying to improve the other.
71
00:05:17.449 --> 00:05:23.430
It's possible to become a fault-finding, quarrelsome person. Give grace
72
00:05:23.529 --> 00:05:26.389
for a different person who does things differently than you.
73
00:05:27.689 --> 00:05:30.660
And of course, there are times when it's certainly right
74
00:05:30.699 --> 00:05:33.920
to challenge each other, but you want to cultivate a
75
00:05:33.980 --> 00:05:39.310
forbearing spirit. Romans 15, 7, accept one another as Christ
76
00:05:39.350 --> 00:05:42.730
has accepted you. 1 Peter 4, 8, above all, love
77
00:05:42.850 --> 00:05:46.230
one another deeply because love covers a multitude of sins.
78
00:05:47.269 --> 00:05:50.139
In Proverbs 25, 24, it's better to live in the
79
00:05:50.220 --> 00:05:53.600
corner of a housetop than in the house shared by
80
00:05:53.620 --> 00:06:00.139
a quarrelsome wife. Number seven, cultivate a forbearing spirit that properly,
81
00:06:00.439 --> 00:06:05.350
properly overlooks two things, sin at times and differences that
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00:06:05.379 --> 00:06:09.870
are not sinful. Eight, call fouls on yourself when you sin.
83
00:06:11.269 --> 00:06:13.470
In a pickup basketball game, there are certain rules of
84
00:06:13.490 --> 00:06:17.009
the game that both parties know and abide to. Fouls
85
00:06:17.050 --> 00:06:20.170
will happen. And without a referee, it's incumbent on each
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00:06:20.250 --> 00:06:23.509
person to admit their own fouls. If they don't admit
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the fouls or they want to play by football rules,
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not basketball rules, well, then the game is over. Similarly,
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when one party breaks the above communication principles, they have
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to admit it and confess it. It's a matter of
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honor before the Lord. Matthew 5, 48 says, be perfect
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as your father in heaven is perfect. Do unto others
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as you would have them do to you. Luke 6, 31.
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Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another.
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James 5, 16. And love your enemies and pray for
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those who persecute you. Matthew 5, 44. So call fouls
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on yourself when you sin. Number nine, don't go to
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bed angry. Move towards each other Don't try and resolve
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issues late at night, but release it and work on
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it later. I write more about that in another post
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where I talk about, should you let the sun go
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down on your anger? So don't go to bed angry.
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You may not be able to resolve it though that night.
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Number 10, choose the right time, place, and procedure. Don't
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try to have a hundred dollar conversation in a 25
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cent minute. Think about when to talk about things. Set
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aside time like a coffee date. Don't bring up things
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just because it's on your mind. Add margin to your
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life so that you have time to talk. Don't always
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be rushing. 10. Choose the right time and place and procedure. 11.
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When these are broken, reflect on the conflict and seek
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to grow. Journal or reflect on the triggers and how
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you could have responded differently to calm the quarrel. What
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will you do differently next time? Because there will be
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a next time. As a dog returns to its vomit,
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so a fool repeats his folly. Proverbs 26, 18. The
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wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to his way,
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but the folly of fools is deceiving. Proverbs 14, 8.
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So number 11, when these are broken, reflect on the
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conflict and seek to grow from it. Number 12, seek
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outside help freely. We give protection and not secrecy. We're
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commanded to go and get help when we need it.
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Family secrets are not excluded from that. The body of
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Christ is meant by God to help us. Without counsel,
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plans fail. But with many advisors, they succeed. Proverbs 15, 22.
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And if your brother sins against you, go to him.
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And if you'll not listen, bring one or two others along.
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That's Matthew 18, 15 to 16. So number 12, seek
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outside help freely. And finally, a baker's dozen. Number 13, stop, drop,
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and pray for unity. Many disagreements could be solved if
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one party said to the other, hey, let's just stop
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and ask for the Lord's help right now. Turning the
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focus from the other to the Lord, and crying out
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for insight and help can calm many disagreements. So, number 13, stop, drop,
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00:09:37.360 --> 00:09:41.659
and pray for unity. Well, while this list is certainly
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not comprehensive, it is a good start. As you walk
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through marital disagreements and conflict, make sure that that conflict
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is a healthy conflict and not a destructive conflict. Well,
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00:09:55.750 --> 00:09:58.929
thank you for listening to the Disciple-Making Parent audio blog.
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00:09:59.019 --> 00:10:01.700
I don't know if you know, but we give away
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00:10:01.759 --> 00:10:06.279
the audio book of the Disciple-Making Parent for free. Simply
142
00:10:06.340 --> 00:10:11.779
write us at audiobookattheapollosproject telling us you heard about this
143
00:10:11.899 --> 00:10:18.350
offer on the podcast. That's audiobookattheapollosproject.com and we will send
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00:10:18.490 --> 00:10:22.500
the audio book to you Thanks for listening.
1
00:00:04.719 --> 00:00:08.519
Hi, I'm Chad Bettis, author of The Disciple-Making Parent, and
2
00:00:08.619 --> 00:00:11.160
this is my audio blog, where I read some of
3
00:00:11.199 --> 00:00:15.900
my blog posts in audio format for your convenience. Well,
4
00:00:16.000 --> 00:00:19.129
in today's episode, we're going to be thinking about preventing
5
00:00:19.410 --> 00:00:24.789
destructive marital conflict. Conflict in marriage is a common issue.
6
00:00:25.410 --> 00:00:29.019
It's not the sign of an unhealthy marriage. The goal
7
00:00:29.089 --> 00:00:33.060
is not to have a conflict-free marriage. The goal is
8
00:00:33.119 --> 00:00:37.979
to have healthy conflict. Healthy conflict actually builds a marriage.
9
00:00:38.780 --> 00:00:44.609
Unhealthy or destructive conflict can destroy a marriage. Well, what
10
00:00:44.649 --> 00:00:47.750
are some principles that can keep us from destructive conflict?
11
00:00:48.729 --> 00:00:54.789
I would suggest the following. Number one, cultivate self-awareness. The
12
00:00:54.829 --> 00:00:57.649
rest of these principles will do no good if you're
13
00:00:57.670 --> 00:01:01.700
not aware of, or if you're constantly excusing, what comes
14
00:01:01.840 --> 00:01:04.819
out of your mouth. We must start with an ongoing
15
00:01:04.879 --> 00:01:09.000
awareness of what we say and micro-repentance for what we
16
00:01:09.079 --> 00:01:13.400
say sinfully. Proverbs 14.8 says, The wisdom of the prudent
17
00:01:13.540 --> 00:01:16.469
is to give thought to his way, but the folly
18
00:01:16.510 --> 00:01:21.730
of fools is deceiving. And Proverbs 10.9 says, When words
19
00:01:21.790 --> 00:01:25.000
are many, sin is not absent. But he who holds
20
00:01:25.040 --> 00:01:31.750
his tongue is wise. So number one, cultivate self-awareness. Number two,
21
00:01:31.969 --> 00:01:36.709
cultivate humility, correctability, and a desire to grow to be
22
00:01:36.750 --> 00:01:39.950
like Christ. We want to seek to live for an
23
00:01:40.069 --> 00:01:42.969
audience of one, no matter what the other party does.
24
00:01:43.829 --> 00:01:48.260
Becoming more holy and Christ-like means communicating in a more
25
00:01:48.400 --> 00:01:55.040
Christ-like way. Focus on your own growth in communication. Matthew 12,
26
00:01:55.040 --> 00:01:57.739
36 says, on the day of judgment, people will give
27
00:01:57.780 --> 00:02:02.099
an account for every careless word they have spoken. And
28
00:02:02.120 --> 00:02:06.200
Proverbs 27, 17 says, as iron sharpens iron, so one
29
00:02:06.280 --> 00:02:12.930
person sharpens another. So number two, cultivate humility, correctability, and
30
00:02:12.969 --> 00:02:17.389
a desire to grow, to be like Christ. Number three,
31
00:02:17.530 --> 00:02:21.830
identify and attack the problem, not the person. It's easy
32
00:02:21.870 --> 00:02:24.689
to lose focus of the problem that's causing the conflict
33
00:02:24.810 --> 00:02:28.680
and begin attacking the person. This starts with the desire
34
00:02:28.740 --> 00:02:31.379
not to build the family, but to win, to win
35
00:02:31.400 --> 00:02:35.379
the argument. Often that means using sentences that start with you,
36
00:02:36.280 --> 00:02:40.319
attacking the motives of the other person, generalizing to the character,
37
00:02:40.419 --> 00:02:45.039
or skipping to another problem. Stick to one conflict at
38
00:02:45.090 --> 00:02:49.750
a time. Ephesians 4.26 says, In your anger, do not sin.
39
00:02:50.629 --> 00:02:54.669
So number three, identify and attack the problem, not the person.
40
00:02:55.770 --> 00:03:01.860
Number four, understand, then be understood. Seek to understand the conflict.
41
00:03:02.319 --> 00:03:05.099
What are the desires of the other person? Seek to
42
00:03:05.180 --> 00:03:07.819
listen to not only the words, but the heart behind
43
00:03:07.860 --> 00:03:11.860
the words. Seek to understand not only the positions, but
44
00:03:11.900 --> 00:03:17.610
the interests or the desires underneath it. Proverbs 20 verse
45
00:03:17.610 --> 00:03:19.990
5 says, The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters,
46
00:03:20.030 --> 00:03:23.409
but a man of understanding draws them out. Proverbs 8
47
00:03:23.409 --> 00:03:26.189
verse 2 says, A fool takes no pleasure in understanding,
48
00:03:26.610 --> 00:03:31.259
but only in expressing his opinion. James 1 verse 19 says,
49
00:03:31.659 --> 00:03:38.080
Everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak. Understand,
50
00:03:38.680 --> 00:03:44.780
then be understood. Don't use reckless words, but pleasant words.
51
00:03:45.729 --> 00:03:48.840
You know, we can choose inflaming words or calming words.
52
00:03:50.039 --> 00:03:54.860
Inflaming words are you never, you always. We want to
53
00:03:54.960 --> 00:03:59.889
use pleasant words. Proverbs 12, 18 says, Reckless words pierce
54
00:03:59.909 --> 00:04:03.169
like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
55
00:04:04.469 --> 00:04:08.310
And Proverbs 16, 21 says, The wise in heart are
56
00:04:08.349 --> 00:04:14.300
called discerning, and pleasant words promote understanding. So number five,
57
00:04:14.360 --> 00:04:18.360
don't use reckless words, but pleasant words. Number six, respond
58
00:04:18.399 --> 00:04:21.259
to anger with gentleness. Or if you're the one given
59
00:04:21.300 --> 00:04:25.439
to anger, control that anger. A gentle answer turns away wrath,
60
00:04:25.500 --> 00:04:30.350
but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15.1. Do
61
00:04:30.389 --> 00:04:34.290
not repay an insult with insult, but with blessing. For
62
00:04:34.389 --> 00:04:38.709
to this you are called. 1 Peter 3.9. A fool
63
00:04:39.009 --> 00:04:41.879
gives full vent to his anger, but a wise person
64
00:04:41.980 --> 00:04:48.439
keeps himself under control. Proverbs 29, 11. And in your anger,
65
00:04:48.519 --> 00:04:53.860
do not sin. Ephesians 4, 26. Respond to anger with gentleness,
66
00:04:54.339 --> 00:04:57.550
or if you're the one given to anger, control that anger.
67
00:04:58.490 --> 00:05:03.329
Number seven, cultivate a forbearing spirit that properly overlooks two things,
68
00:05:03.769 --> 00:05:08.000
sin and differences that are not sinful. Why? Why? Well,
69
00:05:08.019 --> 00:05:11.910
because Christ is overlooked and is overlooking much in you.
70
00:05:12.649 --> 00:05:16.490
Don't be a nitpicking spouse constantly trying to improve the other.
71
00:05:17.449 --> 00:05:23.430
It's possible to become a fault-finding, quarrelsome person. Give grace
72
00:05:23.529 --> 00:05:26.389
for a different person who does things differently than you.
73
00:05:27.689 --> 00:05:30.660
And of course, there are times when it's certainly right
74
00:05:30.699 --> 00:05:33.920
to challenge each other, but you want to cultivate a
75
00:05:33.980 --> 00:05:39.310
forbearing spirit. Romans 15, 7, accept one another as Christ
76
00:05:39.350 --> 00:05:42.730
has accepted you. 1 Peter 4, 8, above all, love
77
00:05:42.850 --> 00:05:46.230
one another deeply because love covers a multitude of sins.
78
00:05:47.269 --> 00:05:50.139
In Proverbs 25, 24, it's better to live in the
79
00:05:50.220 --> 00:05:53.600
corner of a housetop than in the house shared by
80
00:05:53.620 --> 00:06:00.139
a quarrelsome wife. Number seven, cultivate a forbearing spirit that properly,
81
00:06:00.439 --> 00:06:05.350
properly overlooks two things, sin at times and differences that
82
00:06:05.379 --> 00:06:09.870
are not sinful. Eight, call fouls on yourself when you sin.
83
00:06:11.269 --> 00:06:13.470
In a pickup basketball game, there are certain rules of
84
00:06:13.490 --> 00:06:17.009
the game that both parties know and abide to. Fouls
85
00:06:17.050 --> 00:06:20.170
will happen. And without a referee, it's incumbent on each
86
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person to admit their own fouls. If they don't admit
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the fouls or they want to play by football rules,
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not basketball rules, well, then the game is over. Similarly,
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when one party breaks the above communication principles, they have
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to admit it and confess it. It's a matter of
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honor before the Lord. Matthew 5, 48 says, be perfect
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as your father in heaven is perfect. Do unto others
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as you would have them do to you. Luke 6, 31.
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Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another.
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James 5, 16. And love your enemies and pray for
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those who persecute you. Matthew 5, 44. So call fouls
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on yourself when you sin. Number nine, don't go to
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bed angry. Move towards each other Don't try and resolve
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issues late at night, but release it and work on
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it later. I write more about that in another post
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where I talk about, should you let the sun go
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down on your anger? So don't go to bed angry.
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You may not be able to resolve it though that night.
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Number 10, choose the right time, place, and procedure. Don't
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try to have a hundred dollar conversation in a 25
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cent minute. Think about when to talk about things. Set
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aside time like a coffee date. Don't bring up things
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just because it's on your mind. Add margin to your
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life so that you have time to talk. Don't always
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be rushing. 10. Choose the right time and place and procedure. 11.
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When these are broken, reflect on the conflict and seek
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to grow. Journal or reflect on the triggers and how
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you could have responded differently to calm the quarrel. What
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will you do differently next time? Because there will be
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a next time. As a dog returns to its vomit,
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so a fool repeats his folly. Proverbs 26, 18. The
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wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to his way,
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but the folly of fools is deceiving. Proverbs 14, 8.
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So number 11, when these are broken, reflect on the
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conflict and seek to grow from it. Number 12, seek
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outside help freely. We give protection and not secrecy. We're
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commanded to go and get help when we need it.
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Family secrets are not excluded from that. The body of
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Christ is meant by God to help us. Without counsel,
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plans fail. But with many advisors, they succeed. Proverbs 15, 22.
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And if your brother sins against you, go to him.
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And if you'll not listen, bring one or two others along.
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That's Matthew 18, 15 to 16. So number 12, seek
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outside help freely. And finally, a baker's dozen. Number 13, stop, drop,
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and pray for unity. Many disagreements could be solved if
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one party said to the other, hey, let's just stop
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and ask for the Lord's help right now. Turning the
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focus from the other to the Lord, and crying out
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for insight and help can calm many disagreements. So, number 13, stop, drop,
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and pray for unity. Well, while this list is certainly
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not comprehensive, it is a good start. As you walk
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through marital disagreements and conflict, make sure that that conflict
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is a healthy conflict and not a destructive conflict. Well,
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thank you for listening to the Disciple-Making Parent audio blog.
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I don't know if you know, but we give away
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the audio book of the Disciple-Making Parent for free. Simply
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write us at audiobookattheapollosproject telling us you heard about this
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00:10:11.899 --> 00:10:18.350
offer on the podcast. That's audiobookattheapollosproject.com and we will send
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