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[Courtney] Hello everyone and welcome back. My name
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is Courtney. I’m here with my spouse
Royce. Together we are the Ace Couple,
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and we are back for a uh crowd favorite,
r/AmITheAsshole Asexuality Edition.
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[Royce] We’ve been hopping around subreddits
for a while. This was the original one we
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did and the last am I the Asshole
episode was just over a year ago.
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[Courtney] So let’s see what we get into today. I
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have well over 50 stories that
I have not read bookmarked,
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so we’re gonna select a uh handful of them at
random and see where the conversation gets us.
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[Royce] And hope they’re good.
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[Courtney] And hope they’re good. Well, the first
one I just pulled is kind of interesting. Not
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because I’ve read it yet, but because I
see there is a second update to the post.
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[Royce] Mm.
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[Courtney] So I don’t know if it’s a good
update, but we’ll see. The post reads, would
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I be the asshole if I said I hated our plans? So
my birthday is coming up and my friends and I were
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talking about going to the city and hanging out.
I understand most of them are still in college
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with final weeks coming up, so my idea for us to
see a show is off the table, which I am fine with.
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[Courtney] Now in this group,
there’s like six of us,
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three of us have birthdays very close to each
other, so we wanted to make it a birthday bash,
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but celebrate and go out on my actual birthday.
I was also the one to suggest the bash.
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[Courtney] One of the places we talked about was
going to the Museum of Sex. Plus going to another
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museum, as I love museums, and a few other things.
The other day, there was a cut to only one museum,
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and the group decided on the Museum of Sex. The
only reason I agreed to the Museum of Sex was
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because we were going to a museum that I actually
like afterwards, as they were far more into it
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than I was. This group is fairly new to each other
and we’re all adults, but also, I am very asexual
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and very open about it. We all make the occasional
sex joke, but I don’t do much sexually and they
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all know that. I also don’t think I’d really
enjoy being surrounded by sex for multiple hours.
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[Courtney] We’re not getting tickets until
the day of. But would I be the asshole if
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I said I’d rather we didn’t do the sex museum
after they were all really excited about it?
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[Royce] So the first thing I had to
do was search for the Museum of Sex.
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[Courtney] Yeah, where is it? ’Cause I know
Iceland has like the Phallological Museum,
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which, although I have been in
Iceland twice, haven’t been there.
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[Royce] It’s in New York City.
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[Courtney] Oh, there are so many better
museums to go to in New York City.
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[Royce] Yeah, that’s kind of what I
was thinking. It seems goofy, though.
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[Courtney] What do you mean goofy?
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[Royce] Like this bounce house of boobs?
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[Courtney] No, not a boob bounce house.
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[Royce] I thought I saw one image just
kind of scrolling through very quickly
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of like three taxidermied
animals mounting each other?
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[Courtney] No.
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[Royce] Like, it— OP can make
their own decisions and, you know,
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agree to go into whatever environment they are
or are not comfortable with, but they might be
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making this out to be worse in their own mind if
they haven’t, like, looked at what the museum is.
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[Courtney] Well, that doesn’t sound
like a place I’d have fun in.
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[Royce] True, true, but it seems goofy.
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[Courtney] It— but listen, I wish I knew what
the conversations were like leading up to this.
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Like, OP does say, they know I
am asexual, I’m open about that.
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[Royce] Yeah, how did this get selected?
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[Courtney] And OP says to us, the only reason I
agreed to go to this is because we were going
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to another museum um after. I want to know if that
was made clear during the planning phase to them,
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because if OP just in the back of their head
was like, well, yeah, okay, I can handle this,
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and didn’t raise a concern at the time, then that
is like more a communication error than anything.
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But if OP at any m point was like, that doesn’t
really sound like my thing, and it’s like, well,
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we’ll also go to this other museum, and OP’s like,
yeah, well, okay, then one,000% the friends are
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the asshole for being like, mm, m actually,
let’s scrap the museum you wanted to see.
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[Courtney] But the details just aren’t clear
enough about what that conversation was. But the
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ultimate question is, would I be the
asshole if I said I hated our plans?
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[Courtney] And—
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[Royce] No.
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[Courtney] No.
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[Royce] Just be honest with your friends.
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[Courtney] So I am curious about what the
update is. Because there is an update.
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[Royce] Oh, this is the one with the update update.
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[Courtney] Yes. I decided not to
go into the city with them at all.
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I texted one of the friends the
other morning how I was feeling,
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and she seemed understanding and said she didn’t
care what we did, but that I should tell them.
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[Courtney] I tried to say, are we really sure
about the museum? And when one of them said,
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react to the message with a thumbs up if you
want to go, I reacted with a sad face instead.
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I tried to push it off saying it’s going to
snow and it’s too much money, but they have just
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decided to get the tickets anyway last night. So
I am going to go to breakfast with them, and after
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talking to my mom, she and I are going to go see
Wicked, which is something I actually want to do.
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Thank you to those on the original who tried to
give me advice on what to do. I think it’s better
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if I put a short wall between them for now. And
I’m very picky on what I say yes to with them. I
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still feel like for my own personal curiosity
and overall understanding of the dynamics of
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this situation, I still wish I had more details
on how much communication there was or was not.
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[Royce] Mhm.
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[Courtney] But yeah, if a friend on their birthday,
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even if it is a shared birthday kind
of a situation, is like, I really don’t
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like this plan actually, I feel like a good
group of friends should accommodate. Like,
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if everyone else really wanted to go to the
Museum of Sex, they could another time. And it
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sounds like OP did at least say, I don’t know,
I texted one of the friends how I was feeling.
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[Courtney] But then the only thing in quotes is
I tried to say, quote, are we really sure about
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the museum? So I, I don’t know. I don’t know how
clear OP was or was not here. If OP made it clear,
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I really, really do not want to do this, I will
not have a fun time there, and everyone else said,
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well, screw you, we want to go anyway, then
yeah, I, I think that group would be the
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asshole. I don’t think in any situation OP is
an asshole. OP might be bad at communicating,
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but we just don’t have enough information to know
for sure. However, love that OP is going with
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their mom to see Wicked, which in the original
post was even like, I kind of want to see a show,
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but they’ve got classes, and so I took that
to mean they didn’t want to stay out late.
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[Courtney] Which I think is the single best,
like, life skill people can develop in terms
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of socializing and friend groups and interpersonal
dynamics, is like, if something is not working for
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you, do something else. Make it work for you.
If something wasn’t— because uh OP could have
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just stayed home on their birthday and wallowed in
sadness that they weren’t out with their friends,
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and instead OP said, you know what, no, I don’t
want to do this with this group of people,
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so I’m going to take my mom and do
a thing I actually wanted to do.
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[Courtney] And that’s great. That is, for a lot
of people, a skill that needs to be developed.
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A lot of people, if plans fall through or if
they’re upset about something not turning out,
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don’t have the ability to course correct
or make the best out of a bad situation.
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[Royce] Yeah, I think there are a lot
of things that could be done here,
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but they all center around further communication.
There was a comment where OP mentioned that cost
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of two museums was even a factor in. I don’t see
why, in a split situation like this where it’s
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multiple people going to celebrate, you know,
collective birthdays, where you couldn’t— why
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you couldn’t say, I’m not feeling this activity,
I’ll just meet up with you for the second one.
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Maybe then the friend group aspect of the
situation would feel a little less awkward.
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[Courtney] Guess leave a comment if
you want us to go to the Museum of
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Sex next time we’re in New York and do an
episode about it. No, comments not enough.
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[Courtney] You need to donate $1,000 to
the Food Not Bombs chapter of your choice,
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and then I will go to the Museum of Sex,
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or a penis museum, or a vagina museum,
whichever one is in my vicinity, next.
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[Royce] Cool.
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[Courtney] And I’ll do a thorough podcast review
of it. My time can be bought with, um, mutual aid.
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[Royce] Well, it seems like the original was in
New York City. There’s one in Miami, but at least
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the description of it that I’m seeing is that
there is gay and lesbian history, erotica, BDSM,
00:10:03.840 --> 00:10:09.920
pornography, and sex work. Basically just focuses
on subcultures and history and things like that.
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[Courtney] Well, I love history. History is great.
00:10:13.200 --> 00:10:17.080
[Courtney] Boob Bounce Castle is not great.
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[Royce] Yeah, I don’t know why that was the one
image or the first image that I came across.
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[Courtney] You don’t? You really don’t know why?
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[Courtney] Can’t think of a single reason
why that is in the marketing material?
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[Royce] Okay, this next post I have: Am I the
asshole for breaking up with my boyfriend because
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he asked for a threesome? I, a 19-year-old woman,
have been in a relationship with a 21-year-old
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man for about three months, and we are both
each other’s first serious relationship. I
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view myself on the asexual spectrum and have
been very hesitant about sexual experiences,
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but he is very open about experiments,
so we have been experimenting a bit.
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[Royce] I trust him. However, yesterday he asked
me if I would ever be down to try a threesome.
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He didn’t specify gender or if he knew a
person. I assume he just asked in general.
00:11:05.120 --> 00:11:10.240
[Royce] I froze and then sirens in my head started
ringing. I said that I had to leave and he got
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extremely worried and told me he wasn’t going
to force me to do anything I didn’t want to, but
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my mind was too big of a mess to have a serious
talk with him. I’m now thinking about sending him
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a text. I know that is extremely cowardly and I
should probably just tell him in person, but I can
00:11:23.440 --> 00:11:28.320
scrutinize my words better when I write them down.
This is what my issues regarding the threesome
00:11:28.320 --> 00:11:32.720
are. one, he wants another person in bed. Yeah,
I know, jealous and possessive girlfriend and
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he just wants to try stuff out, but it makes me
feel like I’m not enough for him and that hurts.
00:11:36.480 --> 00:11:41.600
[Royce] I think sex bonds. Sex is love.
I do stuff with him because I love— I
00:11:41.600 --> 00:11:43.720
trust and love him and because it gets us closer.
00:11:43.720 --> 00:11:48.880
[Royce] Not just because I want an orgasm.
A threesome reduced the whole act to lust.
00:11:48.880 --> 00:11:52.320
Like he wants a one-night stand over a
girlfriend. I’ve read somewhere that men
00:11:52.320 --> 00:11:55.360
think differently of sex and can have
it without the emotional involvement,
00:11:55.360 --> 00:12:00.800
but I think it would kill me if that was also
the case for him. I think intimacy is such
00:12:00.800 --> 00:12:05.200
a treasure and it is so fragile. I was scared
of showing my naked body to someone for years,
00:12:05.200 --> 00:12:09.760
but with him it felt so easy. I’m so okay with
being intimate with him and only him, and suddenly
00:12:09.760 --> 00:12:15.240
he wants another person involved. That makes
intimacy not special anymore, not appreciated?
00:12:15.240 --> 00:12:20.080
[Royce] And that is my biggest point. It kills
me that he doesn’t view this in the same way.
00:12:20.080 --> 00:12:24.720
[Royce] Asking for a threesome is not a reason
for a breakup, but the meta-level behind it,
00:12:24.720 --> 00:12:28.560
the fact that we don’t perceive sex and
intimacy and emotional involvement the same,
00:12:28.560 --> 00:12:32.160
makes me feel like we are not compatible
together. I don’t think I can forget about
00:12:32.160 --> 00:12:36.560
this if we ever get intimate again. I
don’t think this can work out anymore,
00:12:36.560 --> 00:12:40.960
but that would break me because I seriously
love this man. I don’t want to leave him,
00:12:40.960 --> 00:12:43.520
and at the same time I feel like
people would think I’m overreacting.
00:12:43.520 --> 00:12:45.600
[Royce] Am I the asshole?
00:12:45.600 --> 00:12:50.880
[Courtney] So one interesting just sort of
social component of this one is that we
00:12:50.880 --> 00:12:58.640
have a self-identified ace, presumably her
boyfriend is allo, and by her admission the
00:12:58.640 --> 00:13:06.400
concern is that we do not view sex the
same way. And a very Harsh reality that
00:13:06.400 --> 00:13:17.200
a lot of aces need to grapple with if they are
seeking partnership is that one way or another,
00:13:17.200 --> 00:13:23.120
if you have a mixed orientation relationship,
or even if you have a relationship with,
00:13:23.120 --> 00:13:27.200
you know, an ace who’s on a different
part of the spectrum than you are,
00:13:27.200 --> 00:13:35.640
nearly anyone you have a relationship
with will view sex differently than you.
00:13:35.640 --> 00:13:40.720
[Royce] Yeah, and that’s, that’s especially
true when you cross orientation lines,
00:13:40.720 --> 00:13:46.240
when you’re in a mixed orientation situation,
but even in same orientation relationships,
00:13:46.240 --> 00:13:47.908
that can vary drastically.
00:13:47.908 --> 00:13:53.600
[Courtney] m yes. Now, do I
think OP is an asshole? No.
00:13:53.600 --> 00:13:57.520
[Courtney] Do I think this
needs to be a conversation
00:13:57.520 --> 00:14:02.040
before it is definitely a breakup? Yeah, probably.
00:14:02.040 --> 00:14:08.960
[Courtney] Just given the fact that OP is like, I
love this person, it would break me if we broke
00:14:08.960 --> 00:14:14.880
up, I tend to err on the side of if that’s
the situation and there aren’t actual like,
00:14:14.880 --> 00:14:24.160
abuses or neglects or any like, hard dealbreakers
or red flags, that conversations are important and
00:14:24.160 --> 00:14:30.720
worth it and may still result in a breakup,
or it might bring you closer together and
00:14:30.720 --> 00:14:35.200
strengthen your relationship, but you have to
have that conversation in order to find that out.
00:14:35.200 --> 00:14:41.440
I do think that in addition to having a
conversation with this partner, OP probably
00:14:41.440 --> 00:14:51.280
also needs to explore how these views of sex
do or do not intersect with their own identity,
00:14:51.280 --> 00:14:59.440
and also how they may or may not intersect with
future relationships. If this one does indeed end.
00:14:59.440 --> 00:15:06.240
[Courtney] Because of the fact that if you are
an ace person dating allos, mixed orientation
00:15:06.240 --> 00:15:13.360
relationships can work and they can be beautiful,
wonderful things, but if the fundamental problem
00:15:13.360 --> 00:15:21.280
that you personally do not think you can get over
is, my partner views sex differently than me,
00:15:21.280 --> 00:15:28.960
then maybe a mixed orientation relationship is
going to be really, really difficult for you. And
00:15:28.960 --> 00:15:36.000
I’m not saying that that is fundamentally bad or
wrong, but that is something that is important to
00:15:36.000 --> 00:15:42.640
learn and recognize about yourself and unpack, um
not only for your own sake, your own mental health
00:15:42.640 --> 00:15:50.160
when exploring relationships, uh but that of your
uh partners and the very relationships themselves.
00:15:50.160 --> 00:15:56.000
[Royce] Yeah, definitely having a conversation,
getting some more context. As far as I’m reading
00:15:56.000 --> 00:16:03.040
from this post, at this point, she doesn’t
have a clear idea of where his head even was,
00:16:03.040 --> 00:16:08.960
or how much this was a definitive thing
he might want to try, and how much of it
00:16:08.960 --> 00:16:14.000
was just a curiosity of like, where are the
boundaries in the relationship? Like, what
00:16:14.000 --> 00:16:21.440
things are or would not be okay exploring? Going
through the post itself, there are a few things
00:16:21.440 --> 00:16:27.960
that I just want to respond to. In number one,
OP says, yeah, I know, jealous and possessive.
00:16:27.960 --> 00:16:35.040
[Royce] That’s not necessarily a bad thing.
I mean, I think a lot of those emotions are
00:16:35.040 --> 00:16:38.400
part of how a lot of people naturally
see relationships. And as long as they
00:16:38.400 --> 00:16:42.160
aren’t pushed to extremes, like, I don’t
think there’s anything wrong with that.
00:16:42.160 --> 00:16:44.880
[Courtney] Um, that’s gonna be a hot take.
00:16:44.880 --> 00:16:52.320
[Royce] Because those are— those two words are
always correlated with a negative perspective,
00:16:52.320 --> 00:16:56.320
right? And how could a uh negative
word ever be acceptable, you know?
00:16:56.320 --> 00:17:02.960
[Courtney] Well, honestly, I know some people, even
ace people, there are some who would read this
00:17:02.960 --> 00:17:10.720
post and would be like, girl, get over yourself.
Sex is not always this big, holy, special,
00:17:10.720 --> 00:17:16.240
important thing. It doesn’t always have to be
synonymous with romance. And while that is so,
00:17:16.240 --> 00:17:25.120
so very true, I’m honestly, um, let’s find
the least delicate way I can say this. Um,
00:17:25.120 --> 00:17:32.880
I’m pro-prude. For one’s
own sake, ’cause I do think,
00:17:32.880 --> 00:17:40.120
I do think if you are enforcing prudishness
on society or other people, that is bad.
00:17:40.120 --> 00:17:45.840
[Courtney] But I think there is space in
this world for people who do want to,
00:17:45.840 --> 00:17:55.040
in their own personal lives, hold, uh you know,
sex or anything that goes with it to this, like,
00:17:55.040 --> 00:18:00.720
I do want this to be monogamous, I do want
this to be special, I want I want to view
00:18:00.720 --> 00:18:06.320
it as special and I want my partner to view
it as special. I do think that’s allowed.
00:18:06.320 --> 00:18:13.760
[Courtney] And I do think because of the fact
that, you know, branding-wise uh and in policy,
00:18:13.760 --> 00:18:22.000
we’ve got these like conservative Christian
nationalists who are just doing awful things
00:18:22.000 --> 00:18:32.040
for society and culture and policy. I do fear
that the everyday prude gets lumped into them.
00:18:32.040 --> 00:18:37.440
[Courtney] And, um, it’s like
the opposite of slut-shaming. I,
00:18:37.440 --> 00:18:44.080
I feel like prude-shaming is fully
socially allowed on the left right now.
00:18:44.080 --> 00:18:49.280
[Courtney] And I don’t think that’s cool if
it’s just someone on an individual level.
00:18:49.280 --> 00:18:57.280
Now, just as with all things, with sexuality,
with gender, with anything that falls under a
00:18:57.280 --> 00:19:03.360
widespread cultural norm, I think it is a
good and healthy exercise for everyone to
00:19:03.360 --> 00:19:09.600
sit down and interrogate it and question
their own relationship with it. So OP,
00:19:09.600 --> 00:19:14.800
this person, just like anybody else, I would
say, yeah, it would be a great thing if you sat
00:19:14.800 --> 00:19:20.640
and interrogated this and really sussed
out, is this coming internally from me?
00:19:20.640 --> 00:19:25.280
[Courtney] And this is genuinely how
I view this. And I will be happiest
00:19:25.280 --> 00:19:27.880
with a partner who also views it this same way?
00:19:27.880 --> 00:19:34.480
[Courtney] Or do you have something to unpack
where maybe you have grown up in a very religious,
00:19:34.480 --> 00:19:41.840
conservative place? I know for me personally,
having not grown up in a religious family but
00:19:41.840 --> 00:19:49.920
being surrounded by religious families, as
a young ace person, like young ace teenager,
00:19:49.920 --> 00:19:57.360
saving myself for marriage was a really
convenient excuse. Really convenient excuse.
00:19:57.360 --> 00:20:01.760
[Courtney] It wasn’t from within
me. It was just the most socially
00:20:01.760 --> 00:20:05.040
acceptable excuse that I knew that I could say.
00:20:05.040 --> 00:20:10.560
[Courtney] And I know from experience
talking to a wide variety of aces,
00:20:10.560 --> 00:20:16.720
there are a lot of people who do sort of latch on
to bits of purity culture because they somewhere,
00:20:16.720 --> 00:20:23.280
somehow resonate with the lack of sex element
of it that is at least in like early stages
00:20:23.280 --> 00:20:30.080
of relationships or pre-marriage. And so as
with all cultural norms, interrogate away.
00:20:30.080 --> 00:20:35.200
[Courtney] That is a good and healthy thing
to do. Once you do that, you might find
00:20:35.200 --> 00:20:41.120
maybe this doesn’t fit me. Maybe I have picked up
something from elsewhere that doesn’t fit anymore.
00:20:41.120 --> 00:20:43.200
[Courtney] Or maybe you’ll be like, yeah, no, this,
00:20:43.200 --> 00:20:50.320
this actually is me. And this is what I like. And
this is what I want. And I think that is okay.
00:20:50.320 --> 00:20:55.680
[Royce] Yeah, that’s mostly what I wanted to talk
about with this point. And another one is that
00:20:55.680 --> 00:21:01.440
the rules and boundaries of a relationship for
the people in the relationship to decide. It
00:21:01.440 --> 00:21:07.680
doesn’t really matter if that aligns with what
the common status quo societal expectation for
00:21:07.680 --> 00:21:13.040
a relationship is, or if it’s wildly different, as
long as it works for the people present there. And
00:21:13.040 --> 00:21:19.120
speaking of just social norms and expectations,
the other thing that annoys me here is the,
00:21:19.120 --> 00:21:23.600
I’m thinking about sending him a text, I
know that is extremely cowardly. I hate that.
00:21:23.600 --> 00:21:29.200
[Royce] Yeah, like the pressure to say that
like a conversation isn’t a real conversation
00:21:29.200 --> 00:21:34.800
if you don’t have it in person. All difficult
conversations should be had in person. I think
00:21:34.800 --> 00:21:40.880
given that people already have an established
method of communication that is not in person,
00:21:40.880 --> 00:21:48.800
not in person is a perfectly okay means of talking
through difficult things. Sometimes typing things
00:21:48.800 --> 00:21:56.560
out is easier to articulate well because the
stress of the moment can make brains unreliable.
00:21:56.560 --> 00:21:57.640
[Royce] I get really—
00:21:57.640 --> 00:21:58.960
[Courtney] Brains are often unreliable.
00:21:58.960 --> 00:22:03.280
[Royce] I get really um fuzzy in the middle of
00:22:03.280 --> 00:22:07.680
like interpersonal conflict.
And it’s unique to that too.
00:22:07.680 --> 00:22:14.400
[Royce] Like high stress situations, I tend to be
clearheaded. But something about like an argument,
00:22:14.400 --> 00:22:20.560
I get brain fog. Um I can’t remember
verbatim what I said five or 10 minutes ago,
00:22:20.560 --> 00:22:23.200
and I can’t think very far
ahead into the conversation.
00:22:23.200 --> 00:22:28.640
[Courtney] Does it matter if it’s, this is a
tough conversation we need to have, or if what
00:22:28.640 --> 00:22:36.160
she’s saying is, I’m thinking of texting him to
break up? Because I don’t actually remember how
00:22:36.160 --> 00:22:42.240
clear that was in the post, but she was saying
like, maybe I need to break up with him, and
00:22:42.240 --> 00:22:47.880
there are a good number of people who are like,
you shouldn’t break up with someone via text.
00:22:47.880 --> 00:22:51.420
[Royce] I don’t necessarily agree with that.
That’s kind of what I’m getting at, though.
00:22:51.420 --> 00:22:51.433
[Courtney] Mm.
00:22:51.433 --> 00:22:58.480
[Royce] M it depends. I don’t think
sending the text is inherently bad.
00:22:58.480 --> 00:23:04.240
I think that if the other person says, I
would like to talk about this in person,
00:23:04.240 --> 00:23:09.520
I think as long as it’s not like, you know,
an abusive situation or a dangerous situation,
00:23:09.520 --> 00:23:14.960
I think that’s fine. But I don’t think there
is anything wrong with virtual communication.
00:23:14.960 --> 00:23:20.880
[Royce] But, uh, OP said, my mind was too
big of a mess to have a serious talk with
00:23:20.880 --> 00:23:27.760
him in the moment she left. I’m now thinking about
sending him a text. So I took the impression that,
00:23:27.760 --> 00:23:33.520
that, that was a, a text communication to
talk about this issue. But for comparison,
00:23:33.520 --> 00:23:38.240
it’s kind of well established, at least in media
or sometimes through advice, that if you’re going
00:23:38.240 --> 00:23:44.240
to walk into a conversation that’s going to
be particularly difficult and you think that
00:23:44.240 --> 00:23:49.840
you might struggle to stay on topic or say what
needs to be said, you should write it down first
00:23:49.840 --> 00:23:56.320
and pull out your written notes to read in person.
Mhm and that’s the same thing as sending a text.
00:23:56.320 --> 00:24:03.040
[Courtney] I think, I think it depends. I think
there are too many nuances based on individual
00:24:03.040 --> 00:24:09.040
people and individual relationships for
this, because what you’re describing in
00:24:09.040 --> 00:24:13.440
your personal situation, like, that’s very
much a byproduct of your neurodivergence.
00:24:13.440 --> 00:24:14.880
[Royce] It is.
00:24:14.880 --> 00:24:20.400
[Courtney] And so in, in your case, and in the
case of others like you, this might, like,
00:24:20.400 --> 00:24:27.280
legitimately be a type of accommodation in order
to have this type of conversation. And I also
00:24:27.280 --> 00:24:33.600
think there are people who will just use that as
an excuse. I think there are people who are like,
00:24:33.600 --> 00:24:41.200
I am being a coward, and I know I’m being a
coward, and I do know this person well enough
00:24:41.200 --> 00:24:48.080
to know that this is gonna be really upsetting,
but I’m just gonna do the cowardly thing anyway. I
00:24:48.080 --> 00:24:54.320
think a good number of people do also do that. And
like, there is maybe a difference between like,
00:24:54.320 --> 00:24:59.520
this is a new or young relationship, or if
it’s a relationship where you do virtually
00:24:59.520 --> 00:25:07.440
communicate a lot, Mhm. uh, versus like, you’re
living together, like they’re living in your
00:25:07.440 --> 00:25:11.680
house and they’ve got stuff at your house and
they randomly just text you out of the blue.
00:25:11.680 --> 00:25:17.760
[Courtney] Like, there, there’s too many nuances.
So I’m not going to give a blanket, like,
00:25:17.760 --> 00:25:23.560
this is okay. I think there are some situations
and nuances in which it, it can be permissible.
00:25:23.560 --> 00:25:29.840
[Royce] Going back to what I said earlier, the
rules and boundaries of a relationship are
00:25:29.840 --> 00:25:37.520
decided by the people who are in the relationship.
So if there are people who are very much about,
00:25:37.520 --> 00:25:43.800
I need this in-person conversation, yeah, if you
have a history of a lot of virtual communication.
00:25:43.800 --> 00:25:50.560
[Royce] Yeah, it’s a different case there. It’s the
societal commentary of this is the way that this
00:25:50.560 --> 00:25:57.040
must be done that I take issue with. I also think
that one thing I’ve never heard anyone else say is
00:25:57.040 --> 00:26:04.000
that it’s potentially irresponsible to meet out
with someone, like, you know, in a public place,
00:26:04.000 --> 00:26:09.280
and then give them really upsetting news, and
then put them back in a car to drive home.
00:26:09.280 --> 00:26:14.720
while their mind is buzzing with just getting
broken up with. Distracted driving’s dangerous.
00:26:14.720 --> 00:26:22.680
[Courtney] Yeah, distracted driving
is dangerous. I will give you that.
00:26:22.680 --> 00:26:26.680
[Royce] I think that’s about all I had
to say. I feel like we got off track.
00:26:26.680 --> 00:26:31.400
[Royce] I guess I was gonna comment on the— I’ve
read somewhere that men think differently of sex.
00:26:31.400 --> 00:26:32.400
[Courtney] Oh uh yeah.
00:26:32.400 --> 00:26:33.320
[Royce] That’s not a thing.
00:26:33.320 --> 00:26:38.960
[Courtney] That, that was another reason why
I would encourage OP in the same way I’d
00:26:38.960 --> 00:26:46.880
encourage everyone else, like, maybe interrogate
that. Because that’s not okay to just blanketly,
00:26:46.880 --> 00:26:51.280
you know, well, one gender is like
this, another gender is like that.
00:26:51.280 --> 00:26:52.240
[Royce] Mhm.
00:26:52.240 --> 00:26:59.120
[Courtney] Which, I mean, that type of mindset
very often goes with these sort of purity culture
00:26:59.120 --> 00:27:05.120
mindset. So that’s why it’s like, eh. Maybe think
about all that. But I mean, at the end of the day,
00:27:05.120 --> 00:27:09.760
if you think about it all and you unpack it,
and at the end of the day you’re like, no,
00:27:09.760 --> 00:27:17.680
I want sex to be this beautiful, wonderful,
important thing, larger than life, has to be
00:27:17.680 --> 00:27:22.720
very special, reserved for one person, and I want
that other person to think the same way as this,
00:27:22.720 --> 00:27:26.400
good luck. It might be difficult to
find another person like that. But hey,
00:27:26.400 --> 00:27:36.560
I, I um am I am— I’m radically pro-prude on an
individual basis. I should get a shirt that says,
00:27:36.560 --> 00:27:40.040
uh, uh prude. I would, I
would wear that. Is it ironic?
00:27:40.040 --> 00:27:44.120
[Courtney] That’s for you
to decide. What did I say?
00:27:44.120 --> 00:27:46.640
[Royce] Is that gonna be your Pride shirt?
00:27:46.640 --> 00:27:51.680
[Courtney] No, I— uh you, you
misunderstood. This is my prude shirt.
00:27:51.680 --> 00:27:55.280
What did I say a few weeks ago I
needed to try to find at a thrift shop?
00:27:55.280 --> 00:27:59.360
[Courtney] Oh, uh, virginity rocks. You
know those old Virginity Rocks t-shirts?
00:27:59.360 --> 00:28:02.960
[Royce] That would be a funny shirt to
see at Pride if it was like done in the
00:28:02.960 --> 00:28:07.320
familiar typography of Pride, and maybe
it’s just like a desaturated rainbow.
00:28:07.320 --> 00:28:13.040
[Courtney] No, not the rainbow. It would
have to at least be like an ace flag.
00:28:13.040 --> 00:28:19.120
[Courtney] Yeah, well, uh, I don’t know. Now
I’m overthinking this whole thing. I think
00:28:19.120 --> 00:28:23.840
it would be funny to have a shirt that says
prude. I would wear it. Um, I think Virginity
00:28:23.840 --> 00:28:29.080
Rock shirts are hilarious. Yes, I would wear
them. And again, am I wearing it ironically?
00:28:29.080 --> 00:28:30.920
[Courtney] It’s anyone’s guess.
00:28:30.920 --> 00:28:36.880
[Royce] So to finish out this post,
no assholes here, think about things
00:28:36.880 --> 00:28:40.280
a little bit and maybe try talking a
little more before making a decision.
00:28:40.280 --> 00:28:47.360
[Courtney] Communication and self-exploration,
great practices for everybody in all situations.
00:28:47.360 --> 00:28:52.240
[Royce] Before we move on, uh there is
one line in a comment I want to read.
00:28:52.240 --> 00:28:52.780
[Courtney] Oh.
00:28:52.780 --> 00:28:56.160
[Royce] This commenter on the
subject of threesomes says,
00:28:56.160 --> 00:28:59.840
if I wanted to disappoint two people
at once, I’d visit my parents.
00:28:59.840 --> 00:29:04.000
[Courtney] Ha! Put that on a shirt. I
don’t know what the title of this one
00:29:04.000 --> 00:29:10.440
was because it got deleted, but thanks to
the auto-moderator, we have text for it.
00:29:10.440 --> 00:29:16.880
[Courtney] These are two 17-year-old girls.
Me and L have known each other for three
00:29:16.880 --> 00:29:23.200
years and have been friends for two. We
are very different people and I don’t
00:29:23.200 --> 00:29:29.200
always feel comfortable around her. She has
admitted that she doesn’t view my asexuality
00:29:29.200 --> 00:29:35.360
as valid and sees it as a phase. However,
I really care about her. We’ve been through
00:29:35.360 --> 00:29:41.320
difficult times and I’ve always helped her
in times of need. I always gave my 100%.
00:29:41.320 --> 00:29:48.400
[Courtney] A couple of weeks ago, the two of us
and our friend went on holiday together and it
00:29:48.400 --> 00:29:56.160
didn’t really work out. Those two argued often.
And L, while drunk, told us not-so-nice things.
00:29:56.160 --> 00:30:01.520
[Courtney] She recently went on a spiritual
trip and has written me a long text message
00:30:01.520 --> 00:30:06.400
in which she says she’s sorry yet doesn’t take
full accountability. I want to believe her,
00:30:06.400 --> 00:30:09.840
but I’ve been hurt many times.
I deeply love her as my friend,
00:30:09.840 --> 00:30:15.560
but I still want to think about my well-being.
Really confused about this spiritual trip.
00:30:15.560 --> 00:30:21.520
[Courtney] Curious to know more, but,
uh, right off the bat, two 17-year-olds,
00:30:21.520 --> 00:30:27.280
friends for two years, one of them is like,
you’re not asexual, it’s just a phase,
00:30:27.280 --> 00:30:31.440
that’s not valid. That’s not gonna be a good
friend long term. That’s not gonna be good.
00:30:31.440 --> 00:30:38.560
That’s— that is a bad friend. two years can
feel like a lot at 17. Uh, the trauma of being
00:30:38.560 --> 00:30:43.760
a teenager and going through it. Honestly, I
think a lot of teenage friendships are trauma
00:30:43.760 --> 00:30:53.120
bonds. Emotionally very difficult to let go of,
but that doesn’t mean it’s not the right choice.
00:30:53.120 --> 00:30:56.800
[Royce] Okay, so this one is titled,
00:30:56.800 --> 00:31:00.640
am I the Asshole for not rebuking
my Homophobic Grandfather?
00:31:00.640 --> 00:31:01.840
[Courtney] Hmm.
00:31:01.840 --> 00:31:08.640
[Royce] OP is a 23-year-old guy. His grandfather
is 95 and very conservative. He has been like
00:31:08.640 --> 00:31:13.760
this ever since I could grasp the concept
of sexuality from a young age. Every time
00:31:13.760 --> 00:31:19.440
anything LGBT shows up during conversation, he
always groans or makes snarky remarks under his
00:31:19.440 --> 00:31:23.600
breath and has zero shame about it, often
making his takes known to the whole family
00:31:23.600 --> 00:31:28.000
during gatherings. My family has tried many
times to widen his horizons and attempt to
00:31:28.000 --> 00:31:32.800
open his mind a little bit, but it’s evidence—
it’s evident that he is firm in his beliefs.
00:31:32.800 --> 00:31:35.760
[Royce] My grandmother— my grandmother
has attempted to do this as well,
00:31:35.760 --> 00:31:39.600
but she’s not as bothered. We
think she is just trying not to
00:31:39.600 --> 00:31:42.440
cause conflict in her marriage in
the time they have left together.
00:31:42.440 --> 00:31:46.880
[Royce] Recently, uh I was having a conversation
with some coworkers. We’re all very close,
00:31:46.880 --> 00:31:52.080
and the topic segued into LGBT and politics.
I was kind of half-listening because I’m not
00:31:52.080 --> 00:31:55.360
political and I don’t have much to
add to these convos. For the record,
00:31:55.360 --> 00:31:58.160
I’m asexual and many of my coworkers are gay/bi.
00:31:58.160 --> 00:32:03.600
[Royce] At some point, I mentioned my grandfather
and his insane takes. One of my coworkers,
00:32:03.600 --> 00:32:08.160
19, encouraged me to talk to him more
and sway him. Now here’s the problem.
00:32:08.160 --> 00:32:12.640
[Royce] My grandfather is on his deathbed.
uh he is in the hospital hooked up to a
00:32:12.640 --> 00:32:16.640
ventilator. Can barely talk and is already
starting to forget some of the family,
00:32:16.640 --> 00:32:20.240
including my mother. He has weeks
left, maybe a month at most.
00:32:20.240 --> 00:32:24.720
[Royce] I love my grandfather despite his flaws.
I try to visit him every day in the lead-up to
00:32:24.720 --> 00:32:30.640
the inevitable. My whole life he has been a very
funny guy when he’s not being a complete dillhole,
00:32:30.640 --> 00:32:33.440
and a lot of my humor comes
from him and my father.
00:32:33.440 --> 00:32:37.920
[Royce] I told my coworker this and they doubled
down, claiming I need to speak to him sooner.
00:32:37.920 --> 00:32:43.280
I told them, don’t get me wrong, I would love
if my grandpa could put this hate behind him,
00:32:43.280 --> 00:32:47.200
but at 95 in the state he is in, I
just don’t see the point in bringing
00:32:47.200 --> 00:32:51.360
this topic back up. I’m not even sure he
would register the conversation properly.
00:32:51.360 --> 00:32:55.360
[Royce] As I said, my family has tried
in the past and gotten nowhere with him.
00:32:55.360 --> 00:33:00.160
My coworker tripled down and accused me of
being homophobic and not standing up for the
00:33:00.160 --> 00:33:04.960
LGBT community. Over the past few days, they have
been giving me an attitude and spinning the story
00:33:04.960 --> 00:33:09.920
to other coworkers without the added context of
how unwell he is. and that he could pass at any
00:33:09.920 --> 00:33:14.160
moment. I feel like they are making this situation
all about them and aren’t considering my feelings.
00:33:14.160 --> 00:33:16.080
[Royce] Am I the asshole?
00:33:16.080 --> 00:33:19.160
[Courtney] No! Uh what?
00:33:19.160 --> 00:33:24.400
[Courtney] These coworkers
need some serious perspective.
00:33:24.400 --> 00:33:29.680
[Royce] One comment: your 19-year-old
coworker doesn’t understand the world or
00:33:29.680 --> 00:33:39.840
the concepts of aging and deathbeds. This man is
essentially a century old and is literally dying.
00:33:39.840 --> 00:33:42.520
[Courtney] Literally dying, yes.
00:33:42.520 --> 00:33:47.760
[Royce] And it sounds like everyone
around him tried to some extent.
00:33:47.760 --> 00:33:56.480
[Courtney] Yeah, and the thing is, like,
when it comes to bigoted family members,
00:33:56.480 --> 00:34:05.120
there are so many complex interpersonal
family community uh cultural, religious,
00:34:05.120 --> 00:34:12.800
what have you, like nuances that are going
to vary drastically from person to person,
00:34:12.800 --> 00:34:19.920
and let alone people’s like patience, tolerance
for things like that. Like, in my opinion,
00:34:19.920 --> 00:34:28.640
when it comes to bigoted family members, you can
really only have an opinion about your own family.
00:34:28.640 --> 00:34:29.400
[Royce] Yeah.
00:34:29.400 --> 00:34:35.680
[Courtney] For the most part. Because, I mean,
this is also a queer person talking to other queer
00:34:35.680 --> 00:34:44.240
people. Like, I guess most of the people who I’m
closest to are all queer in a diverse uh array of
00:34:44.240 --> 00:34:51.120
queerness. But within those people, I know people
who have extremely loving and accepting families,
00:34:51.120 --> 00:34:56.800
and I know people who have extremely bigoted
families. And all sides of the, you know,
00:34:56.800 --> 00:35:02.800
I have completely gone no contact with my
entire family, I have cut all of them off
00:35:02.800 --> 00:35:08.160
um because of how awful they were.
I know people who have, you know,
00:35:08.160 --> 00:35:14.800
made whatever begrudging peace they can with
their bigoted family and maybe keep them at arm’s
00:35:14.800 --> 00:35:20.640
length but still want them in their lives to some
extent. And I know people whose bigoted families
00:35:20.640 --> 00:35:29.280
have done a complete 180 at some point, like,
were fully no contact, were completely bigoted,
00:35:29.280 --> 00:35:34.960
thought the relationship was irredeemable,
but then several decades later, after a lot
00:35:34.960 --> 00:35:42.160
of work and progress and communication, they
once again have a fulfilling relationship.
00:35:42.160 --> 00:35:52.480
[Courtney] So there is no one-size-fits-all
approach for how to deal with your particular
00:35:52.480 --> 00:35:59.360
bigoted family members. And having family members
with views so drastically different from you is
00:35:59.360 --> 00:36:07.280
already going to be just so complicated and
difficult. It’s often difficult no matter what
00:36:07.280 --> 00:36:12.880
decision you make for how to handle that
or approach your relationship with them,
00:36:12.880 --> 00:36:20.960
that you um absolutely do not need to listen to
the opinions of people who are not in your family
00:36:20.960 --> 00:36:26.320
and do not even know that family member and do
not know your history with that family member,
00:36:26.320 --> 00:36:31.760
the good, the bad, and the ugly. They
don’t, uh they don’t get to have an opinion.
00:36:31.760 --> 00:36:38.800
[Courtney] And I would, I would believe
the same even if he wasn’t literally on
00:36:38.800 --> 00:36:45.520
his deathbed. Even if he was still, you
know, out walking every day and able to
00:36:45.520 --> 00:36:50.960
mow his own yard and still had all of his
mental, you know, faculties about him.
00:36:50.960 --> 00:36:55.120
[Courtney] I would still think it
is not your 19-year-old coworker’s
00:36:55.120 --> 00:37:00.400
place to have an opinion. About how
you approach that relationship with
00:37:00.400 --> 00:37:04.400
that particular family member
of yours. Sorry, they don’t.
00:37:04.400 --> 00:37:12.800
[Courtney] And I say this as someone who has
completely cut off and gone no contact with uh a
00:37:12.800 --> 00:37:20.080
bigoted family member. So I absolutely understand
that there are some lines that once it’s crossed,
00:37:20.080 --> 00:37:24.760
that relationship is irredeemable. But it’s
nobody’s choice to make that but your own.
00:37:24.760 --> 00:37:32.000
[Courtney] Am I the asshole for not wanting my
sister at our house for Christmas? To start with,
00:37:32.000 --> 00:37:39.920
I am 32 and live with my mother still to help her
with bills and take care of her. My sister is 46.
00:37:39.920 --> 00:37:46.640
She was basically an adult when I was born.
I am the baby of four of us. I love my two
00:37:46.640 --> 00:37:51.600
other siblings. Both of them are brothers
and none of them are close to me in age,
00:37:51.600 --> 00:37:56.400
but I’ve never felt close to my sister.
And if this was just my place, I wouldn’t
00:37:56.400 --> 00:38:02.160
even be questioning if I’m the asshole,
but it’s also both of our mother’s home.
00:38:02.160 --> 00:38:08.240
[Courtney] Now, for the background. My sister
is someone who goes off and on with addictions.
00:38:08.240 --> 00:38:13.200
She stole my piggy bank for drugs when I was
three alongside some things of my father’s
00:38:13.200 --> 00:38:17.920
and mom’s. She’s stolen money from a lot
of people in our family and just thinks
00:38:17.920 --> 00:38:22.720
we should forgive her because she found
religion. Another thing throughout my life,
00:38:22.720 --> 00:38:26.800
she calls mom, screams, and
yells at her until she is crying.
00:38:26.800 --> 00:38:31.600
[Courtney] And this switch can happen on a dime.
It seems like something she needs to go get help
00:38:31.600 --> 00:38:36.720
with her mental health too. Because she does
this to everyone, one moment she can seem nice
00:38:36.720 --> 00:38:41.440
and then the next she is just horrible. Now for
the things that have happened recently to make
00:38:41.440 --> 00:38:49.200
me just want to cut her out of my life fully. Her
stepdad, my mom’s ex between hers and my father,
00:38:49.200 --> 00:38:54.360
helped her and her husband buy a house on the
condition that he got to move in with her.
00:38:54.360 --> 00:38:59.120
[Courtney] The man has been disabled his entire
life basically and has never been able to get
00:38:59.120 --> 00:39:04.880
around that well. She treated him horribly,
like I figured would happen when I heard it
00:39:04.880 --> 00:39:10.800
was going on. The things that uh she has done to
him are throw fits if he makes even the smallest
00:39:10.800 --> 00:39:16.320
mess in the kitchen when she scrubs it every
night. Tells him he’s not allowed in any room
00:39:16.320 --> 00:39:22.480
but his bedroom. Says no one is allowed to visit
him, including my brother, because this is her
00:39:22.480 --> 00:39:28.560
house. He paid the down payment and the payment
for the house every month. Refuses to fix food
00:39:28.560 --> 00:39:35.840
for him when he came back from bruising his
hip and has finally run him out of her house.
00:39:35.840 --> 00:39:41.120
[Courtney] Then a few months ago was my mom’s
birthday. I made a cake and she said no one
00:39:41.120 --> 00:39:45.920
would eat it and brought cupcakes.
And when I was trying to serve it,
00:39:45.920 --> 00:39:51.280
she basically took the knife away and pushed me
out of the kitchen. She also said that she doesn’t
00:39:51.280 --> 00:39:57.120
understand how I could be asexual without
ever having it and started joking about it,
00:39:57.120 --> 00:40:02.080
making me uncomfortable. And just learning all
this and with everything else she has done,
00:40:02.080 --> 00:40:07.040
I said I don’t want her here for Christmas. I’m
tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own home.
00:40:07.040 --> 00:40:08.520
[Courtney] Am I the asshole?
00:40:08.520 --> 00:40:13.200
[Royce] Nope. You can kick people out
of your own house. Or not let them in.
00:40:13.200 --> 00:40:20.320
[Courtney] Well, I do get the concern with
the added, my mother also lives here,
00:40:20.320 --> 00:40:26.720
because the OP did say, if this was just my
house, I would not be questioning this. If
00:40:26.720 --> 00:40:33.040
this was just my house, I feel like, yes, I have
full stop authority to say you can’t come here.
00:40:33.040 --> 00:40:41.760
[Courtney] So I, I can at least appreciate OP
mentioning why this is more complicated to her.
00:40:41.760 --> 00:40:47.840
But also like, ew, people who say like,
how do you know you’re asexual if you’ve
00:40:47.840 --> 00:40:54.000
never had sex? You’ve gotta have sex to know,
you just haven’t found the right person yet.
00:40:54.000 --> 00:40:56.800
[Courtney] Like, these are things ace people hear,
00:40:56.800 --> 00:41:02.560
and they’re things that people need to
stop saying. But also because acephobia
00:41:02.560 --> 00:41:12.400
is like a very legitimate type of bigotry.
Very rarely is someone only acephobic and
00:41:12.400 --> 00:41:18.440
nothing else. It usually comes along with
at least a couple other shitty qualities.
00:41:18.440 --> 00:41:25.120
[Courtney] But yeah, that really sucks, OP,
and I hate that, uh, your sister is saying
00:41:25.120 --> 00:41:30.320
these things to you. Someone in the comments
asked an interesting question: where do your
00:41:30.320 --> 00:41:35.680
mother and brother stand on the question of
Christmas with your sister? And one brother
00:41:35.680 --> 00:41:43.800
decided not to even come because he doesn’t want
this drama. The other has not said anything.
00:41:43.800 --> 00:41:50.480
[Courtney] And then OP goes on to say, it’s my
mom, she wants all her kids here. She tries to
00:41:50.480 --> 00:41:58.480
cut the sister off and just can’t, giving in for
a week until she gets upset. And— that’s tough.
00:41:58.480 --> 00:42:04.960
[Courtney] I, I don’t know what it’s like to be
a mother with a problematic child like this,
00:42:04.960 --> 00:42:08.720
I, I can empathize with the mother’s concerns,
00:42:08.720 --> 00:42:14.400
but it sounds like you’re not going to
have all of your kids there regardless.
00:42:14.400 --> 00:42:16.560
[Royce] Well, in that comment
you were just reading,
00:42:16.560 --> 00:42:20.880
one of the four children decided not
to come because the sister was there,
00:42:20.880 --> 00:42:26.560
so you’re already in a case where you’re not
going to have all of the children present.
00:42:26.560 --> 00:42:27.640
[Courtney] Yeah, exactly.
00:42:27.640 --> 00:42:32.320
[Royce] And I, I think the three siblings
need to get together and be like, okay, Mom,
00:42:32.320 --> 00:42:34.640
we’re having an intervention. Our sister sucks.
00:42:34.640 --> 00:42:41.040
[Royce] Because this isn’t just a problematic
child, this is an abusive relationship.
00:42:41.040 --> 00:42:46.560
[Courtney] Right. It sucks. Uh it’s a very
difficult situation. It does logistically
00:42:46.560 --> 00:42:55.440
make it very difficult that, you know, the
mother and OP live in the same house, because
00:42:55.440 --> 00:43:01.360
like OP herself says, very cut and dry case.
If it’s just my house, I can ban you from it.
00:43:01.360 --> 00:43:07.920
But it is also my mom’s house, and that is also
her daughter. You know, how do you weigh that?
00:43:07.920 --> 00:43:15.280
[Courtney] Like, I, I don’t think one unilaterally
has the ability to ban someone from a home if
00:43:15.280 --> 00:43:20.000
other people live there, but there does
need to be some way to come to some kind
00:43:20.000 --> 00:43:25.520
of understanding or compromise, and I don’t,
I don’t know how to do that. Sounds like the
00:43:25.520 --> 00:43:29.120
mother just needs to come to terms with
the fact that you are not going to have
00:43:29.120 --> 00:43:34.800
all of your kids for Christmas. That is not
going to happen. No matter how hard you try.
00:43:34.800 --> 00:43:40.720
So knowing that is not going to happen,
find a way to make other arrangements.
00:43:40.720 --> 00:43:42.320
[Royce] What’s your next choice? Yeah.
00:43:42.320 --> 00:43:46.480
[Courtney] If the next choice is, you
know, all my other three kids together,
00:43:46.480 --> 00:43:54.240
and maybe I will go out to dinner with this one
daughter that no one wants to see, whatever it be,
00:43:54.240 --> 00:44:01.440
you don’t get to have it all. So, because yeah,
in this case, like, the, the sister is clearly the
00:44:01.440 --> 00:44:08.240
only actual asshole here. Like, I can’t say that
the mother is an asshole. Like, the mother seems
00:44:08.240 --> 00:44:16.320
to be grieving the loss of a happy family that
she envisioned having. And you know, that’s valid,
00:44:16.320 --> 00:44:21.840
but again, you gotta come to terms with it
and find a way to work with what you’ve got.
00:44:21.840 --> 00:44:24.640
[Courtney] And with the end of that story,
00:44:24.640 --> 00:44:29.920
I think that’s going to do it for
today’s episode. So I would like to
00:44:29.920 --> 00:44:36.000
leave you all off as per the usual with today’s
featured Marketplace vendor, Meloncalliana.
00:44:36.000 --> 00:44:43.280
[Courtney] Silly and expressive fandom
merch drawn by a nonbinary aroace artist.
00:44:43.280 --> 00:44:50.440
And these designs are very cute. You can
get them in badges, keychains, stickers.
00:44:50.440 --> 00:44:54.480
[Courtney] Lots of different fandom
options depending on what strikes
00:44:54.480 --> 00:45:02.720
your fancy. We’ve got some Miku art. We’ve
got some Sonic art. I actually got a Shadow
00:45:02.720 --> 00:45:09.720
sticker. that looks just adorable
and evil. And it says Sin Points.
00:45:09.720 --> 00:45:18.400
[Courtney] We’ve also got Gravity Falls, over
the Garden Wall, and even some Hazbin Hotel,
00:45:18.400 --> 00:45:25.840
which, as listeners of this podcast, I’m sure
you are aware, it is not our favorite show.
00:45:25.840 --> 00:45:33.040
But they are badges that match of Husk and
Angel, and it says Loser one and Loser two,
00:45:33.040 --> 00:45:41.760
and that is probably the only song in the entire
two seasons of the show that I actually remember
00:45:41.760 --> 00:45:46.960
and will occasionally play in my head. And
if I really had to pick a favorite character,
00:45:46.960 --> 00:45:54.000
it would probably be Husk. Artwork of all
these fandoms and many more at @melancholyanna.
00:45:54.000 --> 00:46:00.400
[Courtney] So as always, we are gonna put links for
you to find today’s featured Marketplace vendor
00:46:00.400 --> 00:46:05.440
in the show notes on our website as well as the
description box if you happen to be listening on
00:46:05.440 --> 00:46:11.600
YouTube. And as always, thank you all so much for
listening, and we will talk to you all next time.
Kind: captions
Language: en-US
00:00:00.031 --> 00:00:03.680
[Courtney] Hello everyone and welcome back. My name
00:00:03.680 --> 00:00:08.960
is Courtney. I’m here with my spouse
Royce. Together we are the Ace Couple,
00:00:08.960 --> 00:00:18.720
and we are back for a uh crowd favorite,
r/AmITheAsshole Asexuality Edition.
00:00:18.720 --> 00:00:23.600
[Royce] We’ve been hopping around subreddits
for a while. This was the original one we
00:00:23.600 --> 00:00:32.800
did and the last am I the Asshole
episode was just over a year ago.
00:00:32.800 --> 00:00:35.920
[Courtney] So let’s see what we get into today. I
00:00:35.920 --> 00:00:41.840
have well over 50 stories that
I have not read bookmarked,
00:00:41.840 --> 00:00:48.000
so we’re gonna select a uh handful of them at
random and see where the conversation gets us.
00:00:48.000 --> 00:00:49.400
[Royce] And hope they’re good.
00:00:49.400 --> 00:00:55.440
[Courtney] And hope they’re good. Well, the first
one I just pulled is kind of interesting. Not
00:00:55.440 --> 00:01:01.340
because I’ve read it yet, but because I
see there is a second update to the post.
00:01:01.340 --> 00:01:01.350
[Royce] Mm.
00:01:01.350 --> 00:01:06.240
[Courtney] So I don’t know if it’s a good
update, but we’ll see. The post reads, would
00:01:06.240 --> 00:01:14.400
I be the asshole if I said I hated our plans? So
my birthday is coming up and my friends and I were
00:01:14.400 --> 00:01:19.680
talking about going to the city and hanging out.
I understand most of them are still in college
00:01:19.680 --> 00:01:26.840
with final weeks coming up, so my idea for us to
see a show is off the table, which I am fine with.
00:01:26.840 --> 00:01:30.640
[Courtney] Now in this group,
there’s like six of us,
00:01:30.640 --> 00:01:35.680
three of us have birthdays very close to each
other, so we wanted to make it a birthday bash,
00:01:35.680 --> 00:01:42.320
but celebrate and go out on my actual birthday.
I was also the one to suggest the bash.
00:01:42.320 --> 00:01:49.040
[Courtney] One of the places we talked about was
going to the Museum of Sex. Plus going to another
00:01:49.040 --> 00:01:57.600
museum, as I love museums, and a few other things.
The other day, there was a cut to only one museum,
00:01:57.600 --> 00:02:03.920
and the group decided on the Museum of Sex. The
only reason I agreed to the Museum of Sex was
00:02:03.920 --> 00:02:09.920
because we were going to a museum that I actually
like afterwards, as they were far more into it
00:02:09.920 --> 00:02:16.560
than I was. This group is fairly new to each other
and we’re all adults, but also, I am very asexual
00:02:16.560 --> 00:02:22.560
and very open about it. We all make the occasional
sex joke, but I don’t do much sexually and they
00:02:22.560 --> 00:02:28.440
all know that. I also don’t think I’d really
enjoy being surrounded by sex for multiple hours.
00:02:28.440 --> 00:02:33.120
[Courtney] We’re not getting tickets until
the day of. But would I be the asshole if
00:02:33.120 --> 00:02:38.640
I said I’d rather we didn’t do the sex museum
after they were all really excited about it?
00:02:38.640 --> 00:02:42.200
[Royce] So the first thing I had to
do was search for the Museum of Sex.
00:02:42.200 --> 00:02:48.000
[Courtney] Yeah, where is it? ’Cause I know
Iceland has like the Phallological Museum,
00:02:48.000 --> 00:02:52.720
which, although I have been in
Iceland twice, haven’t been there.
00:02:52.720 --> 00:02:54.800
[Royce] It’s in New York City.
00:02:54.800 --> 00:02:59.760
[Courtney] Oh, there are so many better
museums to go to in New York City.
00:02:59.760 --> 00:03:04.400
[Royce] Yeah, that’s kind of what I
was thinking. It seems goofy, though.
00:03:04.400 --> 00:03:06.640
[Courtney] What do you mean goofy?
00:03:06.640 --> 00:03:10.320
[Royce] Like this bounce house of boobs?
00:03:10.320 --> 00:03:13.480
[Courtney] No, not a boob bounce house.
00:03:13.480 --> 00:03:18.400
[Royce] I thought I saw one image just
kind of scrolling through very quickly
00:03:18.400 --> 00:03:22.560
of like three taxidermied
animals mounting each other?
00:03:22.560 --> 00:03:23.480
[Courtney] No.
00:03:23.480 --> 00:03:28.560
[Royce] Like, it— OP can make
their own decisions and, you know,
00:03:28.560 --> 00:03:34.320
agree to go into whatever environment they are
or are not comfortable with, but they might be
00:03:34.320 --> 00:03:40.400
making this out to be worse in their own mind if
they haven’t, like, looked at what the museum is.
00:03:40.400 --> 00:03:43.240
[Courtney] Well, that doesn’t sound
like a place I’d have fun in.
00:03:43.240 --> 00:03:45.240
[Royce] True, true, but it seems goofy.
00:03:45.240 --> 00:03:52.160
[Courtney] It— but listen, I wish I knew what
the conversations were like leading up to this.
00:03:52.160 --> 00:03:57.440
Like, OP does say, they know I
am asexual, I’m open about that.
00:03:57.440 --> 00:03:59.000
[Royce] Yeah, how did this get selected?
00:03:59.000 --> 00:04:06.000
[Courtney] And OP says to us, the only reason I
agreed to go to this is because we were going
00:04:06.000 --> 00:04:14.400
to another museum um after. I want to know if that
was made clear during the planning phase to them,
00:04:14.400 --> 00:04:20.720
because if OP just in the back of their head
was like, well, yeah, okay, I can handle this,
00:04:20.720 --> 00:04:28.480
and didn’t raise a concern at the time, then that
is like more a communication error than anything.
00:04:28.480 --> 00:04:33.600
But if OP at any m point was like, that doesn’t
really sound like my thing, and it’s like, well,
00:04:33.600 --> 00:04:39.440
we’ll also go to this other museum, and OP’s like,
yeah, well, okay, then one,000% the friends are
00:04:39.440 --> 00:04:46.000
the asshole for being like, mm, m actually,
let’s scrap the museum you wanted to see.
00:04:46.000 --> 00:04:52.080
[Courtney] But the details just aren’t clear
enough about what that conversation was. But the
00:04:52.080 --> 00:04:56.600
ultimate question is, would I be the
asshole if I said I hated our plans?
00:04:56.600 --> 00:04:57.280
[Courtney] And—
00:04:57.280 --> 00:04:58.000
[Royce] No.
00:04:58.000 --> 00:04:58.640
[Courtney] No.
00:04:58.640 --> 00:05:00.720
[Royce] Just be honest with your friends.
00:05:00.720 --> 00:05:05.589
[Courtney] So I am curious about what the
update is. Because there is an update.
00:05:05.589 --> 00:05:06.950
[Royce] Oh, this is the one with the update update.
00:05:06.950 --> 00:05:12.560
[Courtney] Yes. I decided not to
go into the city with them at all.
00:05:12.560 --> 00:05:16.240
I texted one of the friends the
other morning how I was feeling,
00:05:16.240 --> 00:05:21.400
and she seemed understanding and said she didn’t
care what we did, but that I should tell them.
00:05:21.400 --> 00:05:26.880
[Courtney] I tried to say, are we really sure
about the museum? And when one of them said,
00:05:26.880 --> 00:05:33.760
react to the message with a thumbs up if you
want to go, I reacted with a sad face instead.
00:05:33.760 --> 00:05:39.360
I tried to push it off saying it’s going to
snow and it’s too much money, but they have just
00:05:39.360 --> 00:05:45.200
decided to get the tickets anyway last night. So
I am going to go to breakfast with them, and after
00:05:45.200 --> 00:05:50.800
talking to my mom, she and I are going to go see
Wicked, which is something I actually want to do.
00:05:50.800 --> 00:05:55.760
Thank you to those on the original who tried to
give me advice on what to do. I think it’s better
00:05:55.760 --> 00:06:04.240
if I put a short wall between them for now. And
I’m very picky on what I say yes to with them. I
00:06:04.240 --> 00:06:11.360
still feel like for my own personal curiosity
and overall understanding of the dynamics of
00:06:11.360 --> 00:06:17.600
this situation, I still wish I had more details
on how much communication there was or was not.
00:06:17.600 --> 00:06:18.560
[Royce] Mhm.
00:06:18.560 --> 00:06:22.320
[Courtney] But yeah, if a friend on their birthday,
00:06:22.320 --> 00:06:26.720
even if it is a shared birthday kind
of a situation, is like, I really don’t
00:06:26.720 --> 00:06:35.040
like this plan actually, I feel like a good
group of friends should accommodate. Like,
00:06:35.040 --> 00:06:41.200
if everyone else really wanted to go to the
Museum of Sex, they could another time. And it
00:06:41.200 --> 00:06:48.720
sounds like OP did at least say, I don’t know,
I texted one of the friends how I was feeling.
00:06:48.720 --> 00:06:54.160
[Courtney] But then the only thing in quotes is
I tried to say, quote, are we really sure about
00:06:54.160 --> 00:07:02.640
the museum? So I, I don’t know. I don’t know how
clear OP was or was not here. If OP made it clear,
00:07:02.640 --> 00:07:09.360
I really, really do not want to do this, I will
not have a fun time there, and everyone else said,
00:07:09.360 --> 00:07:16.000
well, screw you, we want to go anyway, then
yeah, I, I think that group would be the
00:07:16.000 --> 00:07:24.080
asshole. I don’t think in any situation OP is
an asshole. OP might be bad at communicating,
00:07:24.080 --> 00:07:31.680
but we just don’t have enough information to know
for sure. However, love that OP is going with
00:07:31.680 --> 00:07:36.400
their mom to see Wicked, which in the original
post was even like, I kind of want to see a show,
00:07:36.400 --> 00:07:40.920
but they’ve got classes, and so I took that
to mean they didn’t want to stay out late.
00:07:40.920 --> 00:07:49.600
[Courtney] Which I think is the single best,
like, life skill people can develop in terms
00:07:49.600 --> 00:07:58.400
of socializing and friend groups and interpersonal
dynamics, is like, if something is not working for
00:07:58.400 --> 00:08:06.560
you, do something else. Make it work for you.
If something wasn’t— because uh OP could have
00:08:06.560 --> 00:08:15.840
just stayed home on their birthday and wallowed in
sadness that they weren’t out with their friends,
00:08:15.840 --> 00:08:20.480
and instead OP said, you know what, no, I don’t
want to do this with this group of people,
00:08:20.480 --> 00:08:24.640
so I’m going to take my mom and do
a thing I actually wanted to do.
00:08:24.640 --> 00:08:29.760
[Courtney] And that’s great. That is, for a lot
of people, a skill that needs to be developed.
00:08:29.760 --> 00:08:36.160
A lot of people, if plans fall through or if
they’re upset about something not turning out,
00:08:36.160 --> 00:08:41.760
don’t have the ability to course correct
or make the best out of a bad situation.
00:08:41.760 --> 00:08:45.440
[Royce] Yeah, I think there are a lot
of things that could be done here,
00:08:45.440 --> 00:08:53.360
but they all center around further communication.
There was a comment where OP mentioned that cost
00:08:53.360 --> 00:08:59.920
of two museums was even a factor in. I don’t see
why, in a split situation like this where it’s
00:08:59.920 --> 00:09:04.320
multiple people going to celebrate, you know,
collective birthdays, where you couldn’t— why
00:09:04.320 --> 00:09:09.920
you couldn’t say, I’m not feeling this activity,
I’ll just meet up with you for the second one.
00:09:09.920 --> 00:09:15.280
Maybe then the friend group aspect of the
situation would feel a little less awkward.
00:09:15.280 --> 00:09:18.720
[Courtney] Guess leave a comment if
you want us to go to the Museum of
00:09:18.720 --> 00:09:23.720
Sex next time we’re in New York and do an
episode about it. No, comments not enough.
00:09:23.720 --> 00:09:31.360
[Courtney] You need to donate $1,000 to
the Food Not Bombs chapter of your choice,
00:09:31.360 --> 00:09:33.840
and then I will go to the Museum of Sex,
00:09:33.840 --> 00:09:41.258
or a penis museum, or a vagina museum,
whichever one is in my vicinity, next.
00:09:41.258 --> 00:09:41.270
[Royce] Cool.
00:09:41.270 --> 00:09:48.440
[Courtney] And I’ll do a thorough podcast review
of it. My time can be bought with, um, mutual aid.
00:09:48.440 --> 00:09:55.600
[Royce] Well, it seems like the original was in
New York City. There’s one in Miami, but at least
00:09:55.600 --> 00:10:03.840
the description of it that I’m seeing is that
there is gay and lesbian history, erotica, BDSM,
00:10:03.840 --> 00:10:09.920
pornography, and sex work. Basically just focuses
on subcultures and history and things like that.
00:10:09.920 --> 00:10:13.200
[Courtney] Well, I love history. History is great.
00:10:13.200 --> 00:10:17.080
[Courtney] Boob Bounce Castle is not great.
00:10:17.080 --> 00:10:21.760
[Royce] Yeah, I don’t know why that was the one
image or the first image that I came across.
00:10:21.760 --> 00:10:24.160
[Courtney] You don’t? You really don’t know why?
00:10:24.160 --> 00:10:28.800
[Courtney] Can’t think of a single reason
why that is in the marketing material?
00:10:28.800 --> 00:10:34.640
[Royce] Okay, this next post I have: Am I the
asshole for breaking up with my boyfriend because
00:10:34.640 --> 00:10:41.440
he asked for a threesome? I, a 19-year-old woman,
have been in a relationship with a 21-year-old
00:10:41.440 --> 00:10:46.720
man for about three months, and we are both
each other’s first serious relationship. I
00:10:46.720 --> 00:10:51.840
view myself on the asexual spectrum and have
been very hesitant about sexual experiences,
00:10:51.840 --> 00:10:56.000
but he is very open about experiments,
so we have been experimenting a bit.
00:10:56.000 --> 00:11:00.480
[Royce] I trust him. However, yesterday he asked
me if I would ever be down to try a threesome.
00:11:00.480 --> 00:11:05.120
He didn’t specify gender or if he knew a
person. I assume he just asked in general.
00:11:05.120 --> 00:11:10.240
[Royce] I froze and then sirens in my head started
ringing. I said that I had to leave and he got
00:11:10.240 --> 00:11:14.320
extremely worried and told me he wasn’t going
to force me to do anything I didn’t want to, but
00:11:14.320 --> 00:11:18.880
my mind was too big of a mess to have a serious
talk with him. I’m now thinking about sending him
00:11:18.880 --> 00:11:23.440
a text. I know that is extremely cowardly and I
should probably just tell him in person, but I can
00:11:23.440 --> 00:11:28.320
scrutinize my words better when I write them down.
This is what my issues regarding the threesome
00:11:28.320 --> 00:11:32.720
are. one, he wants another person in bed. Yeah,
I know, jealous and possessive girlfriend and
00:11:32.720 --> 00:11:36.480
he just wants to try stuff out, but it makes me
feel like I’m not enough for him and that hurts.
00:11:36.480 --> 00:11:41.600
[Royce] I think sex bonds. Sex is love.
I do stuff with him because I love— I
00:11:41.600 --> 00:11:43.720
trust and love him and because it gets us closer.
00:11:43.720 --> 00:11:48.880
[Royce] Not just because I want an orgasm.
A threesome reduced the whole act to lust.
00:11:48.880 --> 00:11:52.320
Like he wants a one-night stand over a
girlfriend. I’ve read somewhere that men
00:11:52.320 --> 00:11:55.360
think differently of sex and can have
it without the emotional involvement,
00:11:55.360 --> 00:12:00.800
but I think it would kill me if that was also
the case for him. I think intimacy is such
00:12:00.800 --> 00:12:05.200
a treasure and it is so fragile. I was scared
of showing my naked body to someone for years,
00:12:05.200 --> 00:12:09.760
but with him it felt so easy. I’m so okay with
being intimate with him and only him, and suddenly
00:12:09.760 --> 00:12:15.240
he wants another person involved. That makes
intimacy not special anymore, not appreciated?
00:12:15.240 --> 00:12:20.080
[Royce] And that is my biggest point. It kills
me that he doesn’t view this in the same way.
00:12:20.080 --> 00:12:24.720
[Royce] Asking for a threesome is not a reason
for a breakup, but the meta-level behind it,
00:12:24.720 --> 00:12:28.560
the fact that we don’t perceive sex and
intimacy and emotional involvement the same,
00:12:28.560 --> 00:12:32.160
makes me feel like we are not compatible
together. I don’t think I can forget about
00:12:32.160 --> 00:12:36.560
this if we ever get intimate again. I
don’t think this can work out anymore,
00:12:36.560 --> 00:12:40.960
but that would break me because I seriously
love this man. I don’t want to leave him,
00:12:40.960 --> 00:12:43.520
and at the same time I feel like
people would think I’m overreacting.
00:12:43.520 --> 00:12:45.600
[Royce] Am I the asshole?
00:12:45.600 --> 00:12:50.880
[Courtney] So one interesting just sort of
social component of this one is that we
00:12:50.880 --> 00:12:58.640
have a self-identified ace, presumably her
boyfriend is allo, and by her admission the
00:12:58.640 --> 00:13:06.400
concern is that we do not view sex the
same way. And a very Harsh reality that
00:13:06.400 --> 00:13:17.200
a lot of aces need to grapple with if they are
seeking partnership is that one way or another,
00:13:17.200 --> 00:13:23.120
if you have a mixed orientation relationship,
or even if you have a relationship with,
00:13:23.120 --> 00:13:27.200
you know, an ace who’s on a different
part of the spectrum than you are,
00:13:27.200 --> 00:13:35.640
nearly anyone you have a relationship
with will view sex differently than you.
00:13:35.640 --> 00:13:40.720
[Royce] Yeah, and that’s, that’s especially
true when you cross orientation lines,
00:13:40.720 --> 00:13:46.240
when you’re in a mixed orientation situation,
but even in same orientation relationships,
00:13:46.240 --> 00:13:47.908
that can vary drastically.
00:13:47.908 --> 00:13:53.600
[Courtney] m yes. Now, do I
think OP is an asshole? No.
00:13:53.600 --> 00:13:57.520
[Courtney] Do I think this
needs to be a conversation
00:13:57.520 --> 00:14:02.040
before it is definitely a breakup? Yeah, probably.
00:14:02.040 --> 00:14:08.960
[Courtney] Just given the fact that OP is like, I
love this person, it would break me if we broke
00:14:08.960 --> 00:14:14.880
up, I tend to err on the side of if that’s
the situation and there aren’t actual like,
00:14:14.880 --> 00:14:24.160
abuses or neglects or any like, hard dealbreakers
or red flags, that conversations are important and
00:14:24.160 --> 00:14:30.720
worth it and may still result in a breakup,
or it might bring you closer together and
00:14:30.720 --> 00:14:35.200
strengthen your relationship, but you have to
have that conversation in order to find that out.
00:14:35.200 --> 00:14:41.440
I do think that in addition to having a
conversation with this partner, OP probably
00:14:41.440 --> 00:14:51.280
also needs to explore how these views of sex
do or do not intersect with their own identity,
00:14:51.280 --> 00:14:59.440
and also how they may or may not intersect with
future relationships. If this one does indeed end.
00:14:59.440 --> 00:15:06.240
[Courtney] Because of the fact that if you are
an ace person dating allos, mixed orientation
00:15:06.240 --> 00:15:13.360
relationships can work and they can be beautiful,
wonderful things, but if the fundamental problem
00:15:13.360 --> 00:15:21.280
that you personally do not think you can get over
is, my partner views sex differently than me,
00:15:21.280 --> 00:15:28.960
then maybe a mixed orientation relationship is
going to be really, really difficult for you. And
00:15:28.960 --> 00:15:36.000
I’m not saying that that is fundamentally bad or
wrong, but that is something that is important to
00:15:36.000 --> 00:15:42.640
learn and recognize about yourself and unpack, um
not only for your own sake, your own mental health
00:15:42.640 --> 00:15:50.160
when exploring relationships, uh but that of your
uh partners and the very relationships themselves.
00:15:50.160 --> 00:15:56.000
[Royce] Yeah, definitely having a conversation,
getting some more context. As far as I’m reading
00:15:56.000 --> 00:16:03.040
from this post, at this point, she doesn’t
have a clear idea of where his head even was,
00:16:03.040 --> 00:16:08.960
or how much this was a definitive thing
he might want to try, and how much of it
00:16:08.960 --> 00:16:14.000
was just a curiosity of like, where are the
boundaries in the relationship? Like, what
00:16:14.000 --> 00:16:21.440
things are or would not be okay exploring? Going
through the post itself, there are a few things
00:16:21.440 --> 00:16:27.960
that I just want to respond to. In number one,
OP says, yeah, I know, jealous and possessive.
00:16:27.960 --> 00:16:35.040
[Royce] That’s not necessarily a bad thing.
I mean, I think a lot of those emotions are
00:16:35.040 --> 00:16:38.400
part of how a lot of people naturally
see relationships. And as long as they
00:16:38.400 --> 00:16:42.160
aren’t pushed to extremes, like, I don’t
think there’s anything wrong with that.
00:16:42.160 --> 00:16:44.880
[Courtney] Um, that’s gonna be a hot take.
00:16:44.880 --> 00:16:52.320
[Royce] Because those are— those two words are
always correlated with a negative perspective,
00:16:52.320 --> 00:16:56.320
right? And how could a uh negative
word ever be acceptable, you know?
00:16:56.320 --> 00:17:02.960
[Courtney] Well, honestly, I know some people, even
ace people, there are some who would read this
00:17:02.960 --> 00:17:10.720
post and would be like, girl, get over yourself.
Sex is not always this big, holy, special,
00:17:10.720 --> 00:17:16.240
important thing. It doesn’t always have to be
synonymous with romance. And while that is so,
00:17:16.240 --> 00:17:25.120
so very true, I’m honestly, um, let’s find
the least delicate way I can say this. Um,
00:17:25.120 --> 00:17:32.880
I’m pro-prude. For one’s
own sake, ’cause I do think,
00:17:32.880 --> 00:17:40.120
I do think if you are enforcing prudishness
on society or other people, that is bad.
00:17:40.120 --> 00:17:45.840
[Courtney] But I think there is space in
this world for people who do want to,
00:17:45.840 --> 00:17:55.040
in their own personal lives, hold, uh you know,
sex or anything that goes with it to this, like,
00:17:55.040 --> 00:18:00.720
I do want this to be monogamous, I do want
this to be special, I want I want to view
00:18:00.720 --> 00:18:06.320
it as special and I want my partner to view
it as special. I do think that’s allowed.
00:18:06.320 --> 00:18:13.760
[Courtney] And I do think because of the fact
that, you know, branding-wise uh and in policy,
00:18:13.760 --> 00:18:22.000
we’ve got these like conservative Christian
nationalists who are just doing awful things
00:18:22.000 --> 00:18:32.040
for society and culture and policy. I do fear
that the everyday prude gets lumped into them.
00:18:32.040 --> 00:18:37.440
[Courtney] And, um, it’s like
the opposite of slut-shaming. I,
00:18:37.440 --> 00:18:44.080
I feel like prude-shaming is fully
socially allowed on the left right now.
00:18:44.080 --> 00:18:49.280
[Courtney] And I don’t think that’s cool if
it’s just someone on an individual level.
00:18:49.280 --> 00:18:57.280
Now, just as with all things, with sexuality,
with gender, with anything that falls under a
00:18:57.280 --> 00:19:03.360
widespread cultural norm, I think it is a
good and healthy exercise for everyone to
00:19:03.360 --> 00:19:09.600
sit down and interrogate it and question
their own relationship with it. So OP,
00:19:09.600 --> 00:19:14.800
this person, just like anybody else, I would
say, yeah, it would be a great thing if you sat
00:19:14.800 --> 00:19:20.640
and interrogated this and really sussed
out, is this coming internally from me?
00:19:20.640 --> 00:19:25.280
[Courtney] And this is genuinely how
I view this. And I will be happiest
00:19:25.280 --> 00:19:27.880
with a partner who also views it this same way?
00:19:27.880 --> 00:19:34.480
[Courtney] Or do you have something to unpack
where maybe you have grown up in a very religious,
00:19:34.480 --> 00:19:41.840
conservative place? I know for me personally,
having not grown up in a religious family but
00:19:41.840 --> 00:19:49.920
being surrounded by religious families, as
a young ace person, like young ace teenager,
00:19:49.920 --> 00:19:57.360
saving myself for marriage was a really
convenient excuse. Really convenient excuse.
00:19:57.360 --> 00:20:01.760
[Courtney] It wasn’t from within
me. It was just the most socially
00:20:01.760 --> 00:20:05.040
acceptable excuse that I knew that I could say.
00:20:05.040 --> 00:20:10.560
[Courtney] And I know from experience
talking to a wide variety of aces,
00:20:10.560 --> 00:20:16.720
there are a lot of people who do sort of latch on
to bits of purity culture because they somewhere,
00:20:16.720 --> 00:20:23.280
somehow resonate with the lack of sex element
of it that is at least in like early stages
00:20:23.280 --> 00:20:30.080
of relationships or pre-marriage. And so as
with all cultural norms, interrogate away.
00:20:30.080 --> 00:20:35.200
[Courtney] That is a good and healthy thing
to do. Once you do that, you might find
00:20:35.200 --> 00:20:41.120
maybe this doesn’t fit me. Maybe I have picked up
something from elsewhere that doesn’t fit anymore.
00:20:41.120 --> 00:20:43.200
[Courtney] Or maybe you’ll be like, yeah, no, this,
00:20:43.200 --> 00:20:50.320
this actually is me. And this is what I like. And
this is what I want. And I think that is okay.
00:20:50.320 --> 00:20:55.680
[Royce] Yeah, that’s mostly what I wanted to talk
about with this point. And another one is that
00:20:55.680 --> 00:21:01.440
the rules and boundaries of a relationship for
the people in the relationship to decide. It
00:21:01.440 --> 00:21:07.680
doesn’t really matter if that aligns with what
the common status quo societal expectation for
00:21:07.680 --> 00:21:13.040
a relationship is, or if it’s wildly different, as
long as it works for the people present there. And
00:21:13.040 --> 00:21:19.120
speaking of just social norms and expectations,
the other thing that annoys me here is the,
00:21:19.120 --> 00:21:23.600
I’m thinking about sending him a text, I
know that is extremely cowardly. I hate that.
00:21:23.600 --> 00:21:29.200
[Royce] Yeah, like the pressure to say that
like a conversation isn’t a real conversation
00:21:29.200 --> 00:21:34.800
if you don’t have it in person. All difficult
conversations should be had in person. I think
00:21:34.800 --> 00:21:40.880
given that people already have an established
method of communication that is not in person,
00:21:40.880 --> 00:21:48.800
not in person is a perfectly okay means of talking
through difficult things. Sometimes typing things
00:21:48.800 --> 00:21:56.560
out is easier to articulate well because the
stress of the moment can make brains unreliable.
00:21:56.560 --> 00:21:57.640
[Royce] I get really—
00:21:57.640 --> 00:21:58.960
[Courtney] Brains are often unreliable.
00:21:58.960 --> 00:22:03.280
[Royce] I get really um fuzzy in the middle of
00:22:03.280 --> 00:22:07.680
like interpersonal conflict.
And it’s unique to that too.
00:22:07.680 --> 00:22:14.400
[Royce] Like high stress situations, I tend to be
clearheaded. But something about like an argument,
00:22:14.400 --> 00:22:20.560
I get brain fog. Um I can’t remember
verbatim what I said five or 10 minutes ago,
00:22:20.560 --> 00:22:23.200
and I can’t think very far
ahead into the conversation.
00:22:23.200 --> 00:22:28.640
[Courtney] Does it matter if it’s, this is a
tough conversation we need to have, or if what
00:22:28.640 --> 00:22:36.160
she’s saying is, I’m thinking of texting him to
break up? Because I don’t actually remember how
00:22:36.160 --> 00:22:42.240
clear that was in the post, but she was saying
like, maybe I need to break up with him, and
00:22:42.240 --> 00:22:47.880
there are a good number of people who are like,
you shouldn’t break up with someone via text.
00:22:47.880 --> 00:22:51.420
[Royce] I don’t necessarily agree with that.
That’s kind of what I’m getting at, though.
00:22:51.420 --> 00:22:51.433
[Courtney] Mm.
00:22:51.433 --> 00:22:58.480
[Royce] M it depends. I don’t think
sending the text is inherently bad.
00:22:58.480 --> 00:23:04.240
I think that if the other person says, I
would like to talk about this in person,
00:23:04.240 --> 00:23:09.520
I think as long as it’s not like, you know,
an abusive situation or a dangerous situation,
00:23:09.520 --> 00:23:14.960
I think that’s fine. But I don’t think there
is anything wrong with virtual communication.
00:23:14.960 --> 00:23:20.880
[Royce] But, uh, OP said, my mind was too
big of a mess to have a serious talk with
00:23:20.880 --> 00:23:27.760
him in the moment she left. I’m now thinking about
sending him a text. So I took the impression that,
00:23:27.760 --> 00:23:33.520
that, that was a, a text communication to
talk about this issue. But for comparison,
00:23:33.520 --> 00:23:38.240
it’s kind of well established, at least in media
or sometimes through advice, that if you’re going
00:23:38.240 --> 00:23:44.240
to walk into a conversation that’s going to
be particularly difficult and you think that
00:23:44.240 --> 00:23:49.840
you might struggle to stay on topic or say what
needs to be said, you should write it down first
00:23:49.840 --> 00:23:56.320
and pull out your written notes to read in person.
Mhm and that’s the same thing as sending a text.
00:23:56.320 --> 00:24:03.040
[Courtney] I think, I think it depends. I think
there are too many nuances based on individual
00:24:03.040 --> 00:24:09.040
people and individual relationships for
this, because what you’re describing in
00:24:09.040 --> 00:24:13.440
your personal situation, like, that’s very
much a byproduct of your neurodivergence.
00:24:13.440 --> 00:24:14.880
[Royce] It is.
00:24:14.880 --> 00:24:20.400
[Courtney] And so in, in your case, and in the
case of others like you, this might, like,
00:24:20.400 --> 00:24:27.280
legitimately be a type of accommodation in order
to have this type of conversation. And I also
00:24:27.280 --> 00:24:33.600
think there are people who will just use that as
an excuse. I think there are people who are like,
00:24:33.600 --> 00:24:41.200
I am being a coward, and I know I’m being a
coward, and I do know this person well enough
00:24:41.200 --> 00:24:48.080
to know that this is gonna be really upsetting,
but I’m just gonna do the cowardly thing anyway. I
00:24:48.080 --> 00:24:54.320
think a good number of people do also do that. And
like, there is maybe a difference between like,
00:24:54.320 --> 00:24:59.520
this is a new or young relationship, or if
it’s a relationship where you do virtually
00:24:59.520 --> 00:25:07.440
communicate a lot, Mhm. uh, versus like, you’re
living together, like they’re living in your
00:25:07.440 --> 00:25:11.680
house and they’ve got stuff at your house and
they randomly just text you out of the blue.
00:25:11.680 --> 00:25:17.760
[Courtney] Like, there, there’s too many nuances.
So I’m not going to give a blanket, like,
00:25:17.760 --> 00:25:23.560
this is okay. I think there are some situations
and nuances in which it, it can be permissible.
00:25:23.560 --> 00:25:29.840
[Royce] Going back to what I said earlier, the
rules and boundaries of a relationship are
00:25:29.840 --> 00:25:37.520
decided by the people who are in the relationship.
So if there are people who are very much about,
00:25:37.520 --> 00:25:43.800
I need this in-person conversation, yeah, if you
have a history of a lot of virtual communication.
00:25:43.800 --> 00:25:50.560
[Royce] Yeah, it’s a different case there. It’s the
societal commentary of this is the way that this
00:25:50.560 --> 00:25:57.040
must be done that I take issue with. I also think
that one thing I’ve never heard anyone else say is
00:25:57.040 --> 00:26:04.000
that it’s potentially irresponsible to meet out
with someone, like, you know, in a public place,
00:26:04.000 --> 00:26:09.280
and then give them really upsetting news, and
then put them back in a car to drive home.
00:26:09.280 --> 00:26:14.720
while their mind is buzzing with just getting
broken up with. Distracted driving’s dangerous.
00:26:14.720 --> 00:26:22.680
[Courtney] Yeah, distracted driving
is dangerous. I will give you that.
00:26:22.680 --> 00:26:26.680
[Royce] I think that’s about all I had
to say. I feel like we got off track.
00:26:26.680 --> 00:26:31.400
[Royce] I guess I was gonna comment on the— I’ve
read somewhere that men think differently of sex.
00:26:31.400 --> 00:26:32.400
[Courtney] Oh uh yeah.
00:26:32.400 --> 00:26:33.320
[Royce] That’s not a thing.
00:26:33.320 --> 00:26:38.960
[Courtney] That, that was another reason why
I would encourage OP in the same way I’d
00:26:38.960 --> 00:26:46.880
encourage everyone else, like, maybe interrogate
that. Because that’s not okay to just blanketly,
00:26:46.880 --> 00:26:51.280
you know, well, one gender is like
this, another gender is like that.
00:26:51.280 --> 00:26:52.240
[Royce] Mhm.
00:26:52.240 --> 00:26:59.120
[Courtney] Which, I mean, that type of mindset
very often goes with these sort of purity culture
00:26:59.120 --> 00:27:05.120
mindset. So that’s why it’s like, eh. Maybe think
about all that. But I mean, at the end of the day,
00:27:05.120 --> 00:27:09.760
if you think about it all and you unpack it,
and at the end of the day you’re like, no,
00:27:09.760 --> 00:27:17.680
I want sex to be this beautiful, wonderful,
important thing, larger than life, has to be
00:27:17.680 --> 00:27:22.720
very special, reserved for one person, and I want
that other person to think the same way as this,
00:27:22.720 --> 00:27:26.400
good luck. It might be difficult to
find another person like that. But hey,
00:27:26.400 --> 00:27:36.560
I, I um am I am— I’m radically pro-prude on an
individual basis. I should get a shirt that says,
00:27:36.560 --> 00:27:40.040
uh, uh prude. I would, I
would wear that. Is it ironic?
00:27:40.040 --> 00:27:44.120
[Courtney] That’s for you
to decide. What did I say?
00:27:44.120 --> 00:27:46.640
[Royce] Is that gonna be your Pride shirt?
00:27:46.640 --> 00:27:51.680
[Courtney] No, I— uh you, you
misunderstood. This is my prude shirt.
00:27:51.680 --> 00:27:55.280
What did I say a few weeks ago I
needed to try to find at a thrift shop?
00:27:55.280 --> 00:27:59.360
[Courtney] Oh, uh, virginity rocks. You
know those old Virginity Rocks t-shirts?
00:27:59.360 --> 00:28:02.960
[Royce] That would be a funny shirt to
see at Pride if it was like done in the
00:28:02.960 --> 00:28:07.320
familiar typography of Pride, and maybe
it’s just like a desaturated rainbow.
00:28:07.320 --> 00:28:13.040
[Courtney] No, not the rainbow. It would
have to at least be like an ace flag.
00:28:13.040 --> 00:28:19.120
[Courtney] Yeah, well, uh, I don’t know. Now
I’m overthinking this whole thing. I think
00:28:19.120 --> 00:28:23.840
it would be funny to have a shirt that says
prude. I would wear it. Um, I think Virginity
00:28:23.840 --> 00:28:29.080
Rock shirts are hilarious. Yes, I would wear
them. And again, am I wearing it ironically?
00:28:29.080 --> 00:28:30.920
[Courtney] It’s anyone’s guess.
00:28:30.920 --> 00:28:36.880
[Royce] So to finish out this post,
no assholes here, think about things
00:28:36.880 --> 00:28:40.280
a little bit and maybe try talking a
little more before making a decision.
00:28:40.280 --> 00:28:47.360
[Courtney] Communication and self-exploration,
great practices for everybody in all situations.
00:28:47.360 --> 00:28:52.240
[Royce] Before we move on, uh there is
one line in a comment I want to read.
00:28:52.240 --> 00:28:52.780
[Courtney] Oh.
00:28:52.780 --> 00:28:56.160
[Royce] This commenter on the
subject of threesomes says,
00:28:56.160 --> 00:28:59.840
if I wanted to disappoint two people
at once, I’d visit my parents.
00:28:59.840 --> 00:29:04.000
[Courtney] Ha! Put that on a shirt. I
don’t know what the title of this one
00:29:04.000 --> 00:29:10.440
was because it got deleted, but thanks to
the auto-moderator, we have text for it.
00:29:10.440 --> 00:29:16.880
[Courtney] These are two 17-year-old girls.
Me and L have known each other for three
00:29:16.880 --> 00:29:23.200
years and have been friends for two. We
are very different people and I don’t
00:29:23.200 --> 00:29:29.200
always feel comfortable around her. She has
admitted that she doesn’t view my asexuality
00:29:29.200 --> 00:29:35.360
as valid and sees it as a phase. However,
I really care about her. We’ve been through
00:29:35.360 --> 00:29:41.320
difficult times and I’ve always helped her
in times of need. I always gave my 100%.
00:29:41.320 --> 00:29:48.400
[Courtney] A couple of weeks ago, the two of us
and our friend went on holiday together and it
00:29:48.400 --> 00:29:56.160
didn’t really work out. Those two argued often.
And L, while drunk, told us not-so-nice things.
00:29:56.160 --> 00:30:01.520
[Courtney] She recently went on a spiritual
trip and has written me a long text message
00:30:01.520 --> 00:30:06.400
in which she says she’s sorry yet doesn’t take
full accountability. I want to believe her,
00:30:06.400 --> 00:30:09.840
but I’ve been hurt many times.
I deeply love her as my friend,
00:30:09.840 --> 00:30:15.560
but I still want to think about my well-being.
Really confused about this spiritual trip.
00:30:15.560 --> 00:30:21.520
[Courtney] Curious to know more, but,
uh, right off the bat, two 17-year-olds,
00:30:21.520 --> 00:30:27.280
friends for two years, one of them is like,
you’re not asexual, it’s just a phase,
00:30:27.280 --> 00:30:31.440
that’s not valid. That’s not gonna be a good
friend long term. That’s not gonna be good.
00:30:31.440 --> 00:30:38.560
That’s— that is a bad friend. two years can
feel like a lot at 17. Uh, the trauma of being
00:30:38.560 --> 00:30:43.760
a teenager and going through it. Honestly, I
think a lot of teenage friendships are trauma
00:30:43.760 --> 00:30:53.120
bonds. Emotionally very difficult to let go of,
but that doesn’t mean it’s not the right choice.
00:30:53.120 --> 00:30:56.800
[Royce] Okay, so this one is titled,
00:30:56.800 --> 00:31:00.640
am I the Asshole for not rebuking
my Homophobic Grandfather?
00:31:00.640 --> 00:31:01.840
[Courtney] Hmm.
00:31:01.840 --> 00:31:08.640
[Royce] OP is a 23-year-old guy. His grandfather
is 95 and very conservative. He has been like
00:31:08.640 --> 00:31:13.760
this ever since I could grasp the concept
of sexuality from a young age. Every time
00:31:13.760 --> 00:31:19.440
anything LGBT shows up during conversation, he
always groans or makes snarky remarks under his
00:31:19.440 --> 00:31:23.600
breath and has zero shame about it, often
making his takes known to the whole family
00:31:23.600 --> 00:31:28.000
during gatherings. My family has tried many
times to widen his horizons and attempt to
00:31:28.000 --> 00:31:32.800
open his mind a little bit, but it’s evidence—
it’s evident that he is firm in his beliefs.
00:31:32.800 --> 00:31:35.760
[Royce] My grandmother— my grandmother
has attempted to do this as well,
00:31:35.760 --> 00:31:39.600
but she’s not as bothered. We
think she is just trying not to
00:31:39.600 --> 00:31:42.440
cause conflict in her marriage in
the time they have left together.
00:31:42.440 --> 00:31:46.880
[Royce] Recently, uh I was having a conversation
with some coworkers. We’re all very close,
00:31:46.880 --> 00:31:52.080
and the topic segued into LGBT and politics.
I was kind of half-listening because I’m not
00:31:52.080 --> 00:31:55.360
political and I don’t have much to
add to these convos. For the record,
00:31:55.360 --> 00:31:58.160
I’m asexual and many of my coworkers are gay/bi.
00:31:58.160 --> 00:32:03.600
[Royce] At some point, I mentioned my grandfather
and his insane takes. One of my coworkers,
00:32:03.600 --> 00:32:08.160
19, encouraged me to talk to him more
and sway him. Now here’s the problem.
00:32:08.160 --> 00:32:12.640
[Royce] My grandfather is on his deathbed.
uh he is in the hospital hooked up to a
00:32:12.640 --> 00:32:16.640
ventilator. Can barely talk and is already
starting to forget some of the family,
00:32:16.640 --> 00:32:20.240
including my mother. He has weeks
left, maybe a month at most.
00:32:20.240 --> 00:32:24.720
[Royce] I love my grandfather despite his flaws.
I try to visit him every day in the lead-up to
00:32:24.720 --> 00:32:30.640
the inevitable. My whole life he has been a very
funny guy when he’s not being a complete dillhole,
00:32:30.640 --> 00:32:33.440
and a lot of my humor comes
from him and my father.
00:32:33.440 --> 00:32:37.920
[Royce] I told my coworker this and they doubled
down, claiming I need to speak to him sooner.
00:32:37.920 --> 00:32:43.280
I told them, don’t get me wrong, I would love
if my grandpa could put this hate behind him,
00:32:43.280 --> 00:32:47.200
but at 95 in the state he is in, I
just don’t see the point in bringing
00:32:47.200 --> 00:32:51.360
this topic back up. I’m not even sure he
would register the conversation properly.
00:32:51.360 --> 00:32:55.360
[Royce] As I said, my family has tried
in the past and gotten nowhere with him.
00:32:55.360 --> 00:33:00.160
My coworker tripled down and accused me of
being homophobic and not standing up for the
00:33:00.160 --> 00:33:04.960
LGBT community. Over the past few days, they have
been giving me an attitude and spinning the story
00:33:04.960 --> 00:33:09.920
to other coworkers without the added context of
how unwell he is. and that he could pass at any
00:33:09.920 --> 00:33:14.160
moment. I feel like they are making this situation
all about them and aren’t considering my feelings.
00:33:14.160 --> 00:33:16.080
[Royce] Am I the asshole?
00:33:16.080 --> 00:33:19.160
[Courtney] No! Uh what?
00:33:19.160 --> 00:33:24.400
[Courtney] These coworkers
need some serious perspective.
00:33:24.400 --> 00:33:29.680
[Royce] One comment: your 19-year-old
coworker doesn’t understand the world or
00:33:29.680 --> 00:33:39.840
the concepts of aging and deathbeds. This man is
essentially a century old and is literally dying.
00:33:39.840 --> 00:33:42.520
[Courtney] Literally dying, yes.
00:33:42.520 --> 00:33:47.760
[Royce] And it sounds like everyone
around him tried to some extent.
00:33:47.760 --> 00:33:56.480
[Courtney] Yeah, and the thing is, like,
when it comes to bigoted family members,
00:33:56.480 --> 00:34:05.120
there are so many complex interpersonal
family community uh cultural, religious,
00:34:05.120 --> 00:34:12.800
what have you, like nuances that are going
to vary drastically from person to person,
00:34:12.800 --> 00:34:19.920
and let alone people’s like patience, tolerance
for things like that. Like, in my opinion,
00:34:19.920 --> 00:34:28.640
when it comes to bigoted family members, you can
really only have an opinion about your own family.
00:34:28.640 --> 00:34:29.400
[Royce] Yeah.
00:34:29.400 --> 00:34:35.680
[Courtney] For the most part. Because, I mean,
this is also a queer person talking to other queer
00:34:35.680 --> 00:34:44.240
people. Like, I guess most of the people who I’m
closest to are all queer in a diverse uh array of
00:34:44.240 --> 00:34:51.120
queerness. But within those people, I know people
who have extremely loving and accepting families,
00:34:51.120 --> 00:34:56.800
and I know people who have extremely bigoted
families. And all sides of the, you know,
00:34:56.800 --> 00:35:02.800
I have completely gone no contact with my
entire family, I have cut all of them off
00:35:02.800 --> 00:35:08.160
um because of how awful they were.
I know people who have, you know,
00:35:08.160 --> 00:35:14.800
made whatever begrudging peace they can with
their bigoted family and maybe keep them at arm’s
00:35:14.800 --> 00:35:20.640
length but still want them in their lives to some
extent. And I know people whose bigoted families
00:35:20.640 --> 00:35:29.280
have done a complete 180 at some point, like,
were fully no contact, were completely bigoted,
00:35:29.280 --> 00:35:34.960
thought the relationship was irredeemable,
but then several decades later, after a lot
00:35:34.960 --> 00:35:42.160
of work and progress and communication, they
once again have a fulfilling relationship.
00:35:42.160 --> 00:35:52.480
[Courtney] So there is no one-size-fits-all
approach for how to deal with your particular
00:35:52.480 --> 00:35:59.360
bigoted family members. And having family members
with views so drastically different from you is
00:35:59.360 --> 00:36:07.280
already going to be just so complicated and
difficult. It’s often difficult no matter what
00:36:07.280 --> 00:36:12.880
decision you make for how to handle that
or approach your relationship with them,
00:36:12.880 --> 00:36:20.960
that you um absolutely do not need to listen to
the opinions of people who are not in your family
00:36:20.960 --> 00:36:26.320
and do not even know that family member and do
not know your history with that family member,
00:36:26.320 --> 00:36:31.760
the good, the bad, and the ugly. They
don’t, uh they don’t get to have an opinion.
00:36:31.760 --> 00:36:38.800
[Courtney] And I would, I would believe
the same even if he wasn’t literally on
00:36:38.800 --> 00:36:45.520
his deathbed. Even if he was still, you
know, out walking every day and able to
00:36:45.520 --> 00:36:50.960
mow his own yard and still had all of his
mental, you know, faculties about him.
00:36:50.960 --> 00:36:55.120
[Courtney] I would still think it
is not your 19-year-old coworker’s
00:36:55.120 --> 00:37:00.400
place to have an opinion. About how
you approach that relationship with
00:37:00.400 --> 00:37:04.400
that particular family member
of yours. Sorry, they don’t.
00:37:04.400 --> 00:37:12.800
[Courtney] And I say this as someone who has
completely cut off and gone no contact with uh a
00:37:12.800 --> 00:37:20.080
bigoted family member. So I absolutely understand
that there are some lines that once it’s crossed,
00:37:20.080 --> 00:37:24.760
that relationship is irredeemable. But it’s
nobody’s choice to make that but your own.
00:37:24.760 --> 00:37:32.000
[Courtney] Am I the asshole for not wanting my
sister at our house for Christmas? To start with,
00:37:32.000 --> 00:37:39.920
I am 32 and live with my mother still to help her
with bills and take care of her. My sister is 46.
00:37:39.920 --> 00:37:46.640
She was basically an adult when I was born.
I am the baby of four of us. I love my two
00:37:46.640 --> 00:37:51.600
other siblings. Both of them are brothers
and none of them are close to me in age,
00:37:51.600 --> 00:37:56.400
but I’ve never felt close to my sister.
And if this was just my place, I wouldn’t
00:37:56.400 --> 00:38:02.160
even be questioning if I’m the asshole,
but it’s also both of our mother’s home.
00:38:02.160 --> 00:38:08.240
[Courtney] Now, for the background. My sister
is someone who goes off and on with addictions.
00:38:08.240 --> 00:38:13.200
She stole my piggy bank for drugs when I was
three alongside some things of my father’s
00:38:13.200 --> 00:38:17.920
and mom’s. She’s stolen money from a lot
of people in our family and just thinks
00:38:17.920 --> 00:38:22.720
we should forgive her because she found
religion. Another thing throughout my life,
00:38:22.720 --> 00:38:26.800
she calls mom, screams, and
yells at her until she is crying.
00:38:26.800 --> 00:38:31.600
[Courtney] And this switch can happen on a dime.
It seems like something she needs to go get help
00:38:31.600 --> 00:38:36.720
with her mental health too. Because she does
this to everyone, one moment she can seem nice
00:38:36.720 --> 00:38:41.440
and then the next she is just horrible. Now for
the things that have happened recently to make
00:38:41.440 --> 00:38:49.200
me just want to cut her out of my life fully. Her
stepdad, my mom’s ex between hers and my father,
00:38:49.200 --> 00:38:54.360
helped her and her husband buy a house on the
condition that he got to move in with her.
00:38:54.360 --> 00:38:59.120
[Courtney] The man has been disabled his entire
life basically and has never been able to get
00:38:59.120 --> 00:39:04.880
around that well. She treated him horribly,
like I figured would happen when I heard it
00:39:04.880 --> 00:39:10.800
was going on. The things that uh she has done to
him are throw fits if he makes even the smallest
00:39:10.800 --> 00:39:16.320
mess in the kitchen when she scrubs it every
night. Tells him he’s not allowed in any room
00:39:16.320 --> 00:39:22.480
but his bedroom. Says no one is allowed to visit
him, including my brother, because this is her
00:39:22.480 --> 00:39:28.560
house. He paid the down payment and the payment
for the house every month. Refuses to fix food
00:39:28.560 --> 00:39:35.840
for him when he came back from bruising his
hip and has finally run him out of her house.
00:39:35.840 --> 00:39:41.120
[Courtney] Then a few months ago was my mom’s
birthday. I made a cake and she said no one
00:39:41.120 --> 00:39:45.920
would eat it and brought cupcakes.
And when I was trying to serve it,
00:39:45.920 --> 00:39:51.280
she basically took the knife away and pushed me
out of the kitchen. She also said that she doesn’t
00:39:51.280 --> 00:39:57.120
understand how I could be asexual without
ever having it and started joking about it,
00:39:57.120 --> 00:40:02.080
making me uncomfortable. And just learning all
this and with everything else she has done,
00:40:02.080 --> 00:40:07.040
I said I don’t want her here for Christmas. I’m
tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own home.
00:40:07.040 --> 00:40:08.520
[Courtney] Am I the asshole?
00:40:08.520 --> 00:40:13.200
[Royce] Nope. You can kick people out
of your own house. Or not let them in.
00:40:13.200 --> 00:40:20.320
[Courtney] Well, I do get the concern with
the added, my mother also lives here,
00:40:20.320 --> 00:40:26.720
because the OP did say, if this was just my
house, I would not be questioning this. If
00:40:26.720 --> 00:40:33.040
this was just my house, I feel like, yes, I have
full stop authority to say you can’t come here.
00:40:33.040 --> 00:40:41.760
[Courtney] So I, I can at least appreciate OP
mentioning why this is more complicated to her.
00:40:41.760 --> 00:40:47.840
But also like, ew, people who say like,
how do you know you’re asexual if you’ve
00:40:47.840 --> 00:40:54.000
never had sex? You’ve gotta have sex to know,
you just haven’t found the right person yet.
00:40:54.000 --> 00:40:56.800
[Courtney] Like, these are things ace people hear,
00:40:56.800 --> 00:41:02.560
and they’re things that people need to
stop saying. But also because acephobia
00:41:02.560 --> 00:41:12.400
is like a very legitimate type of bigotry.
Very rarely is someone only acephobic and
00:41:12.400 --> 00:41:18.440
nothing else. It usually comes along with
at least a couple other shitty qualities.
00:41:18.440 --> 00:41:25.120
[Courtney] But yeah, that really sucks, OP,
and I hate that, uh, your sister is saying
00:41:25.120 --> 00:41:30.320
these things to you. Someone in the comments
asked an interesting question: where do your
00:41:30.320 --> 00:41:35.680
mother and brother stand on the question of
Christmas with your sister? And one brother
00:41:35.680 --> 00:41:43.800
decided not to even come because he doesn’t want
this drama. The other has not said anything.
00:41:43.800 --> 00:41:50.480
[Courtney] And then OP goes on to say, it’s my
mom, she wants all her kids here. She tries to
00:41:50.480 --> 00:41:58.480
cut the sister off and just can’t, giving in for
a week until she gets upset. And— that’s tough.
00:41:58.480 --> 00:42:04.960
[Courtney] I, I don’t know what it’s like to be
a mother with a problematic child like this,
00:42:04.960 --> 00:42:08.720
I, I can empathize with the mother’s concerns,
00:42:08.720 --> 00:42:14.400
but it sounds like you’re not going to
have all of your kids there regardless.
00:42:14.400 --> 00:42:16.560
[Royce] Well, in that comment
you were just reading,
00:42:16.560 --> 00:42:20.880
one of the four children decided not
to come because the sister was there,
00:42:20.880 --> 00:42:26.560
so you’re already in a case where you’re not
going to have all of the children present.
00:42:26.560 --> 00:42:27.640
[Courtney] Yeah, exactly.
00:42:27.640 --> 00:42:32.320
[Royce] And I, I think the three siblings
need to get together and be like, okay, Mom,
00:42:32.320 --> 00:42:34.640
we’re having an intervention. Our sister sucks.
00:42:34.640 --> 00:42:41.040
[Royce] Because this isn’t just a problematic
child, this is an abusive relationship.
00:42:41.040 --> 00:42:46.560
[Courtney] Right. It sucks. Uh it’s a very
difficult situation. It does logistically
00:42:46.560 --> 00:42:55.440
make it very difficult that, you know, the
mother and OP live in the same house, because
00:42:55.440 --> 00:43:01.360
like OP herself says, very cut and dry case.
If it’s just my house, I can ban you from it.
00:43:01.360 --> 00:43:07.920
But it is also my mom’s house, and that is also
her daughter. You know, how do you weigh that?
00:43:07.920 --> 00:43:15.280
[Courtney] Like, I, I don’t think one unilaterally
has the ability to ban someone from a home if
00:43:15.280 --> 00:43:20.000
other people live there, but there does
need to be some way to come to some kind
00:43:20.000 --> 00:43:25.520
of understanding or compromise, and I don’t,
I don’t know how to do that. Sounds like the
00:43:25.520 --> 00:43:29.120
mother just needs to come to terms with
the fact that you are not going to have
00:43:29.120 --> 00:43:34.800
all of your kids for Christmas. That is not
going to happen. No matter how hard you try.
00:43:34.800 --> 00:43:40.720
So knowing that is not going to happen,
find a way to make other arrangements.
00:43:40.720 --> 00:43:42.320
[Royce] What’s your next choice? Yeah.
00:43:42.320 --> 00:43:46.480
[Courtney] If the next choice is, you
know, all my other three kids together,
00:43:46.480 --> 00:43:54.240
and maybe I will go out to dinner with this one
daughter that no one wants to see, whatever it be,
00:43:54.240 --> 00:44:01.440
you don’t get to have it all. So, because yeah,
in this case, like, the, the sister is clearly the
00:44:01.440 --> 00:44:08.240
only actual asshole here. Like, I can’t say that
the mother is an asshole. Like, the mother seems
00:44:08.240 --> 00:44:16.320
to be grieving the loss of a happy family that
she envisioned having. And you know, that’s valid,
00:44:16.320 --> 00:44:21.840
but again, you gotta come to terms with it
and find a way to work with what you’ve got.
00:44:21.840 --> 00:44:24.640
[Courtney] And with the end of that story,
00:44:24.640 --> 00:44:29.920
I think that’s going to do it for
today’s episode. So I would like to
00:44:29.920 --> 00:44:36.000
leave you all off as per the usual with today’s
featured Marketplace vendor, Meloncalliana.
00:44:36.000 --> 00:44:43.280
[Courtney] Silly and expressive fandom
merch drawn by a nonbinary aroace artist.
00:44:43.280 --> 00:44:50.440
And these designs are very cute. You can
get them in badges, keychains, stickers.
00:44:50.440 --> 00:44:54.480
[Courtney] Lots of different fandom
options depending on what strikes
00:44:54.480 --> 00:45:02.720
your fancy. We’ve got some Miku art. We’ve
got some Sonic art. I actually got a Shadow
00:45:02.720 --> 00:45:09.720
sticker. that looks just adorable
and evil. And it says Sin Points.
00:45:09.720 --> 00:45:18.400
[Courtney] We’ve also got Gravity Falls, over
the Garden Wall, and even some Hazbin Hotel,
00:45:18.400 --> 00:45:25.840
which, as listeners of this podcast, I’m sure
you are aware, it is not our favorite show.
00:45:25.840 --> 00:45:33.040
But they are badges that match of Husk and
Angel, and it says Loser one and Loser two,
00:45:33.040 --> 00:45:41.760
and that is probably the only song in the entire
two seasons of the show that I actually remember
00:45:41.760 --> 00:45:46.960
and will occasionally play in my head. And
if I really had to pick a favorite character,
00:45:46.960 --> 00:45:54.000
it would probably be Husk. Artwork of all
these fandoms and many more at @melancholyanna.
00:45:54.000 --> 00:46:00.400
[Courtney] So as always, we are gonna put links for
you to find today’s featured Marketplace vendor
00:46:00.400 --> 00:46:05.440
in the show notes on our website as well as the
description box if you happen to be listening on
00:46:05.440 --> 00:46:11.600
YouTube. And as always, thank you all so much for
listening, and we will talk to you all next time.
