SCENE ONE (COLD OPEN)
NARRATOR
It's another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis; where the superheroes save the day and the lawyers save the superheroes! On this day, however, it might be a little late to save everyone… Listener, I bring you to a facility of the corporation Parasol. On paper it’s a solar energy plant, but why does a solar energy plant have a gravity well and so much mystery?
[some background noises of a busy workplace, but sci-fi-ish, working on a scifi energy plant]
JOHN HAGLEY
[distracted]
Levels look good from here.
[back to the convo they care about]
So I know the cruise is a little pricey, but if I save up…
EPHII HARDIN
Forget pricey, it takes weeks just to get to the Saturn base!
JOHN
Ugh, yeah. Vacation time.
EPHI
You’re up to what, two and a half weeks a year? You’d barely get there, let alone back in time.
JOHN
We should unionize. Force Parasol to give us better benefits.
EPHI
I’d settle for railings on those damn walkways by the well.
JOHN
[laughing]
Come on, Ephi. You think if something goes wrong a walkway railing will help?
[something goes wrong. Alarms blare, running footsteps in a hall, a door slams open]
EPHI
Uh. Guess we’re about to find out.
DYLAN RITCHEY
[panicked as he runs into the room]
Are you asleep in here or something? What are you doing?
JOHN
What? Everything in here looks fine!
EPHI
What’s happening?! It’s the well, isn’t it?!
DYLAN
Yes! Look, the levels can’t be fine. Paul is already gone, and who knows who else!
[distant screaming--alarms continue]
JOHN
It’s gotta be a problem with the sensors, then, I’ve been saying we needed to--
[massive explosion and then silence]
[THEME SONG]
SCENE TWO
NARRATOR
And now, listener, we take you to the library at Megalopolis law school! Mysterious explosions be damned, nothing gets between a gunner and their studies!
[Harper arrives at the school library and meets the librarian, JILLIAN.]
HARPER
Hello, Jillian!
JILLIAN
Harper! Good to see you! Would you like me to check and see if your usual study room is open?
HARPER
That would be wonderful, thank you!
JILLIAN
[Click clack of a keyboard. JILLIAN makes a sound.]
Sorry, looks like 4B is booked up for the next 8 hours.
HARPER
Okay, what about 5C?
JILLIAN
[Type some more.]
That one’s reserved, too.
HARPER
Ugh. What’s open?
JILLIAN
Let’s see…
[Typing sounds.]
2G is open but only for an hour.
HARPER
It’s better than nothing. Can you put me down please?
JILLIAN
Yup!
HARPER
Thank you.
[HARPER walks to study room, sits down, and begins rummaging through papers. As soon as they get settled, there’s a mooing sound from one of those old child’s toys. HARPER is startled.]
What is that?
[Mooing. HARPER stands up and begins going through the room as it continues.]
Where is that coming from?
[Mooing intensifies. HARPER lets out a sound of frustration and begins gathering their stuff together again. They hurry out of the room and are confronted by GIDEON, who is leaning on a wall smugly.]
GIDEON
Harper Hallo.
HARPER
Gideon Smurton.
GIDEON
I’m so glad that your illustrious firm job leaves you with enough time to squeeze in a single hour of studying.
HARPER
Well, I’m working some major cases. Making a real impact requires some extra time. How are they treating you at wherever the heck you ended up? I bet you’re real busy getting coffees for all your superiors.
GIDEON
Hmph, you wish. I, of course, have been getting all the experience that I’ll need to become a top tier lawyer, while also keeping up with my exams. It appears only one of us understands the concept of time management — looks like you won’t get a chance to study until the cows come home.
HARPER
Oh, I KNEW you must’ve done this! You booked all the other rooms, too, didn’t you!
GIDEON
I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about.
HARPER
You know 4B is the best study room here! How early were you camping at the library just to snatch it up before me?
GIDEON
The world doesn’t revolve around you, Hallo. Just because someone else has the initiative to take what they want doesn’t mean it’s a personal slight. I’d normally be surprised that a law student would take such a wild leap in logic, but then again, you didn’t do so well on that admin law final last semester, now did you?
HARPER
Hey, I got an A!
GIDEON
But it took you extra credit to take your class grade to an A+, didn’t it? Losing your touch there, huh, Hallo?
HARPER
Oohhhhh! Mark my words, Smurton. You mess with the bull, you get the horns!
GIDEON
Ah, what an appropriate comparison! You’re just like a bull, which is exactly why I’m unintimidated. As soon as I wave something bright and flashy in front of you, your pea-sized brain will find something else to be melodramatic about.
HARPER
I’ll be as melodramatic as I want when I’m waving your head around on a stick!
GIDEON
Don’t be so crass. I have lunch with Holly coming up in a couple days and I’d hate for her to hear how low her child has sunk.
HARPER
What?! You’re meeting with my mom?!
GIDEON
Well, for those of us who aren’t born with contacts, we have to make our own. Besides, Holly is a treasure. Her only flaw is that one of her children is a debased cretin who gobbles down beef jerky and almonds in the middle of class.
HARPER
My snacking habits are none of your business!
GIDEON
You make it everybody’s business when you’re tearing through those wrappers like a rabid raccoon.
HARPER
[Frustrated sound.]
GIDEON
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have more productive things to do with my time than stand here and chat with you.
HARPER
Wait! You’ve had your fun, now tell me where the mooing’s coming from!
GIDEON
Why would I do that? You’re a bull, aren’t you? This should make you feel right at home.
[Harper GRRRRRs, Gideon laughs. Harper starts packing up their stuff.]
HARPER
Fine! I’ll find another study room. You may have won this time, but I swear on my life I’m going to destroy you.
GIDEON
No. Stop. Please. I’m absolutely terrified.
HARPER
[Turns around and walks away, flipping the bird.]
You should be, Smurton! YOU SHOULD BE.
SCENE THREE
[Harper arriving at the firm for work, already exhausted]
HARPER
[muttering]
Ok, new day, new cases to get assigned to, hey, who knows, maybe it’ll be something light and easy… And no mooing…
LOIS
Good morning Mx. Hallo.
HARPER
[fakes more energy than they have]
Good morning LOIS.
LOIS
Congratulations, Mx. Hallo. Mr. Aria’s decided you’re ready for the big leagues. You’ll be assisting with the class action he’s been putting together for a year.
HARPER
[hesitates]
The...Parasol explosion? That energy plant that blew up?
LOIS
Report to Ms.’s Castillo and Firestein right away and they’ll give you the specifics.
HARPER
Ahh, cool! Great!
[muttering as they walk]
Okay, not so easy…
[knocks on Bonnie/Cole’s office door]
HARPER
Uh, LOIS said you wanted to see me? About the Parasol case?
BONNIE
Yes indeed! How do you feel about doing some interviews?
COLE
We’ve got a whole mess of witnesses to sort through.
BONNIE
Totally ordinary witnesses.
COLE
Yes, and totally ordinary interviews.
HARPER
Oh — yes, that sounds great! Getting back to school has been so stressful — I’m taking two extra classes this semester because it’s my last year and I wanted to make sure I get the most out of it, but it’s so much, and Smurton keeps booking all the study rooms, and my Conflict of Laws professor scheduled a midterm for Yom Kippur and she won’t change it no matter how many times I ask, so now I have to start a letter writing campaign to the dean or else I’ll have to take it while I’m fasting —
[Cole clears her throat]
Sorry! All I’m getting at is that ordinary actually sounds really nice.
COLE
Well damn, now I feel bad.
HARPER
What?
COLE
Nothing! Wonderful! You’ll do the interviews!
BONNIE
Which are ordinary, like we said!
COLE
LOIS will give you the list and take notes for you. You’ll be meeting with the witnesses in conference room L1-232.
BONNIE
You’ll need to get two pieces of vital information from each of them. If you can’t get both from someone, that’s fine, we’ll be narrowing down the witness list that way.
COLE
But get as many as possible!
BONNIE
Of course! So, first piece of information: what do they know about Parasol’s wrongdoing in the explosion?
COLE
Yeah, if they know what caused it, any safety measures that weren’t taken, that sort of thing.
BONNIE
That’s the easy part.
HARPER
The evidence for the whole case is the easy part?
BONNIE
Yep!
COLE
Yeah, every employee knows how their company is fucking them over, right?
HARPER
Asks my boss.
[Bonnie and Cole laugh]
COLE
The second piece of info is the tough one. You gotta find out a secret. The more evidence the witness has, the more airtight the secret has to be.
HARPER
[taking notes]
An airtight secret. About Parasol?
BONNIE
About anything. Think, like, buried treasure.
COLE
Oh that’s the best!
BONNIE
Rare, though.
COLE
Yeah of course. If they don’t have buried treasure out there somewhere, find out if there’s a password that only they know, that’s not written down anywhere. Something we can test.
BONNIE
Yep, gotta be verifiable.
COLE
Very important!
HARPER
[notetaking, reading as they write]
A verifiable secret.
[confused]
Wait, so. Hang on… What do you mean by verifiable?
BONNIE
It can’t be something that we just take their word for, we have to be able to confirm it’s true.
COLE
And that only they know it.
HARPER
Um, ok…maybe if you… What is the purpose of this secret? Maybe that would help me find it?
COLE
[proud]
Ah, good baby lawyer, asking for context!
BONNIE
Very good! We’re trying to get past a hearsay objection, using the residual exception.
HARPER
[excited]
Oh I’ve learned the hearsay exceptions! So that’s why we need to know what evidence they have, not just for ourselves and to prove the case, but to fulfill the “uniquely probative” requirement of the residual exception.
COLE
Yep!
HARPER
So then we need to prove the trustworthiness of the hearsay.
BONNIE
Hence the secret.
HARPER
Right, got it! Wait, no I don’t. Why does their secret show they’re trustworthy?
COLE
[having way too much fun with this]
It doesn’t.
BONNIE
It shows that Kathleen is trustworthy!
COLE
And it shows the witnesses are who they say they are.
BONNIE
We can’t exactly use photo IDs!
HARPER
We can’t?
COLE
Harper, you’re gonna want to look up the test from Holgersson for specifics of what we need. LOIS can grab it for you.
HARPER
[cautious]
Holgersson, got it.
BONNIE
The gist is, though, find out what secret we can ask them about in court.
COLE
It’s part of the test for a medium’s trustworthiness, that’s what Holgersson gives us.
BONNIE
Gotta make sure it’s really them you’re talking to!
COLE
Hence, buried treasure. Passwords only they’d know.
BONNIE
Don’t use secret affairs, though. Not really secret, if another person’s involved!
COLE
If they’ve got bodies buried somewhere that works. Kinda like buried treasure, right?
HARPER
So solo secrets only. What’s medium trustworthiness? I’ve never heard that term…
COLE
Not medium trustworthiness, the trustworthiness of a medium.
HARPER
A medium? Like someone who--
COLE
Speaks to the dead.
COLE
We call her Kathleen.
HARPER
… what was that about screwing employees over?
SCENE FOUR
[dun-dun!]
HARPER
[to themself]
Ok, just ask what they know and...what their most closely-held secret is. They’re just dead people. Totally normal interview at my totally normal job…
LOIS
“What they know” is a little general, I should think.
HARPER
[jumps]
LOIS! I’m too fried for you to sneak up on me like that!
LOIS
I don’t have a body. I can’t sneak.
[pause]
Or perhaps the issue is that I can’t not sneak.
HARPER
Ugh, whatever. What do you mean?
LOIS
The standard is uniquely probative. Not general knowledge.
HARPER
Well, yeah, but--
LOIS
So don’t you think there might be some questions you forgot to ask?
HARPER
[sigh]
I was a little thrown off by the dead people interviews I’m about to do.
LOIS
Excuses, excuses.
HARPER
Ok, fine, you’re right, I need to know about the case to know what’s probative, and what we already know to know what’s unique. So… LOIS, what can you tell me about the case?
LOIS
Well I can tell you--
HARPER
I take that back, what do I need to know?
LOIS
[mocking disappointment]
I could tell you many things, Harper.
HARPER
I don’t doubt that.
LOIS
Well then. What you need to know: Parasol’s rather mysterious energy plant --something about harnessing solar energy from the moon--exploded.
[ominous, she knows Parasol wasn’t really working on clean energy]
Real strange, something that harmless going boom...
[normal voice]
We represent the families of those killed, employees of Parasol, who are alleging that they ignored safety protocols, put their employees at unnecessary risk, blah blah blah. Most of what you need from these witnesses is the cause of the explosion, and Parasol’s role in it.
HARPER
[completely, nerdily sincere]
Ah, causation, my favorite part of torts! Consider me on it.
LOIS
I shall.
HARPER
What do we already have evidence for, when it comes to the explosion?
LOIS
At present, there is little evidence even for what the plant does. Beyond Parasol’s rather vague word.
HARPER
Really? What about discovery? We’ve had this case for awhile, right? We should have the basic stuff by now.
LOIS
[wistful]
So young. So new to corporate cases.
HARPER
So they’re not cooperating? Holding back discovery? They can’t do that! We should–
LOIS
I believe you have your assignment, Mx. Hallo. To address your original question, for now you should assume that any information about the cause of the explosion is uniquely probative.
HARPER
Right. You’re right. It’s just… I know Parasol has a history…
LOIS
Dead people tend to be very good at history, Mx. Hallo.
HARPER
Right. Talking to dead people.
[deep breath]
I’m on it!
LOIS
I am aware.
[conference door opening]
HARPER
Hi, you must be Kathleen! I’m Harper, I’ll be interviewing… uh.
KATHLEEN
[amused]
My friends, yes. Hello Harper.
HARPER
So how does this work, exactly?
KATHLEEN
Well, I have a mutation, much like many out there, but mine allows me to channel the dead.
HARPER
Right.
KATHLEEN
All I need is a name and an item that belonged to them. And once I’ve connected to the right spirit...Well. You’ll see.
HARPER
Oh, that’s why there’s all this stuff. They belonged to the workers?
KATHLEEN
Yes.
HARPER
That’s…a lot of stuff. How many people died in this explosion?
LOIS
426.
HARPER
Oh! God!
[awkward beat]
LOIS
Only 37 of whom were deemed likely to have worthwhile testimony.
HARPER
Wow, so you’re going to be channeling--
LOIS
[interrupts “helpfully”]
37.
HARPER
--37 people?
KATHLEEN
And your firm is paying me very well for it. Shall we start?
HARPER
Yes, please.
[each voice is a different VA, but with the same weird voice effect. Cut together quickly so it feels more like a montage than a single conversation.]
DEAD PERSON 1
Of course Parasol fucked us over! At every turn!
DEAD PERSON 2
[Trying to sound reasonable]
I mean yeah. They cut corners.
DEAD PERSON 3
Ohhh yeah, they didn't care if we lived or died.
2
What corporation does?
1
They didn't even have railings on the walkways!
3
One of the worse evil corporations I've worked for, actually.
1
Over the gravity well!
2
You need specifics?
3
What caused the explosion?
1
I'll tell you what caused the explosion, corporate greed!
2
I mean yeah, there were some repairs that didn't get funded, repairs that would have helped, maybe prevented the explosion…
3
I don't think it was something broken, I think it was rigged.
1
They killed me! They killed me and you want specifics?! “Just the facts, ma'am,” is that what you're telling me!?
2
Just like. In general. A lot of maintenance was put off, deprioritized.
3
Those levels looked too good, you know what I'm saying? It'd be real easy to rig the sensors for when the inspector came 'round.
1
What do you mean you need a secret?
2
Oh that makes sense, I think I've read about cases like that!
3
Something I haven't told anybody? At all?
1
[sarcastic]
Oh sure I'll just tell you where I buried my secret murder victim's body! That should work right?
2
Well I have some passwords I could give you, since you asked so nicely.
1
Fine, look, I buried this time capsule when I was 12, I can tell you where it is and what I put in it.
3
Oh god the only thing I can think of is really embarrassing… you ever write any poetry?
2
...73 ampersand dash L 4…
1
It was mostly porn, ok, I was going through a phase, I thought my future self would appreciate it…
3
Would I need to actually recite the poetry? Like in court?
2
...P 9 =...
1
I do appreciate it if it'll help take down Parasol and their stupid superweap--
[Door opens]
COLE
Harper, Kathleen, how's it going in here? Good time for a lunch break?
HARPER
Already? We've still got 34 people to talk to!
BONNIE
Kathleen looks like she needs a break. You don't need to finish it all in one day!
HARPER
I don't?
COLE
This case has been going for months, we don't expect it to wrap up in a day!
HARPER
Oh. That's good, I guess. Wait, so I’m just going to spend every day talking to dead people for… however long?
KATHLEEN
You get used to it.
SCENE FIVE
[the usual sneering condescension in both directions]
GIDEON
Hallo. I thought I might find you hiding out in the stacks.
HARPER
Smurton. You were looking for me? Do you need my help studying? I know you must be struggling with our Evidence reading, and I happen to have gotten quite a bit of practice on hearsay law recently…
GIDEON
The day I ask for your studying help is the day the multiverse has turned inside out. I simply wanted to come give you this.
HARPER
[suspicious]
What is it?
GIDEON
A letter for your Yom Kippur letter writing campaign.
HARPER
[shocked]
Really?
GIDEON
Hallo, when I best you, it is not going to be because of your religion.
HARPER
Wow, Smurton, that’s really —
GIDEON
It’ll be because I switched out your backpack with a fake as you were leaving Conflict of Laws yesterday.
HARPER
What?! Wait, what have I been studying from for the last twelve hours?!
GIDEON
[ignoring Harper]
Although it seems I didn’t need to go to such extremes. I can sense you struggling, hiding out here to dodge your responsibilities.
HARPER
I’m focusing on my school work! What would I possibly have to avoid?
GIDEON
[hearing bits of their thoughts and intrigued]
Something about buried bodies and stashes of porn, apparently. That firm of yours does take on the classiest of cases.
HARPER
[slams casebook shut]
As usual you have to fall back on your powers to gain even the slightest advantage over me, Smurton. If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got important responsibilities to return to. Like finding my backpack, apparently.
GIDEON
Fleeing already?
HARPER
Let me know if you need help with your evidence outline. You know, telling which parts are accurate, and which parts contain misinformation someone might have planted.
GIDEON
[surprised, almost delighted]
Are you finally climbing off your high superhorse and thinking outside the academic box?
HARPER
I don’t know what you’re talking about!
[Harper walks away]
SCENE SIX
[Dun-dun]
HARPER
Can I get your name?
EPHI (dead)
Ephi Hardin.
HARPER
[rhythm of someone who’s said the same thing dozens of times now]
Thank you. I’m going to make this as quick as possible, so let’s jump straight to it. What was your role at the plant, and is there anything you can tell us about what caused the explosion that killed you?
EPHI (dead)
Just like that, huh? What killed me?
HARPER
I’m sorry if I seem insensitive! I’ve just been talking to a lot of people…
EPHI (dead)
I bet. It’s okay, really. I appreciate you not wasting my time, this isn’t the most comfortable experience.
HARPER
So I’ve heard.
EPHI (dead)
Well, my job involved monitoring the output of the gravity well using some sensors built into it, where it was almost impossible to inspect the sensors themselves. And in retrospect, yes, I believe there was something wrong with them. Something Parasol must have known about.
HARPER
Something wrong with the sensors? What makes you believe that?
EPHI
You should be able to access the readouts, so you can confirm what I'm saying; the levels were uncannily even. Falsified-even. Too perfect.
HARPER
Wow. And what makes you believe Parasol knew about it?
EPHI
They would have to have been the one falsifying it.
HARPER
Do you know this firsthand?
EPHI
You'd need to speak with Paul Patimus Brown. He oversaw the installation.
[transition]
PAUL
That's me.
HARPER
I'm told you may have information about the installation and operation of… Gravity well sensors?
PAUL
Ah. Yes. Yes, I do.
HARPER
Can you tell me, if the sensors' readings were falsified, who would have done that?
PAUL
I can tell you exactly who. But do you really have no questions about why there was a gravity well in a solar energy plant?
HARPER
I… I have to admit I’m curious. But that’s not the focus of this case.
PAUL
Look, little lawyer. I’m dead. This might be my only chance to tell anyone what Parasol is up to. Please, hear me out?
HARPER
… what do you know?
SCENE SEVEN
[dun-dun]
HARPER
Thank you for your time, Ms. Snyder. I can’t believe it took three weeks to get through them all.
KATHLEEN
Thank you! Always glad when my abilities can be useful. How many witnesses can you use?
HARPER
Twenty-four of them ified. But I may have actually come across more information that we were looking for…
KATHLEEN
Oh?
HARPER
Can you hear what the people you’re…
KATHLEEN
Channeling.
HARPER
Can you hear what they say? Do you remember the interviews?
KATHLEEN
[amused]
I can hear if I try. For 37 straight interviews I didn’t bother.
HARPER
So you didn’t hear the bits about a superweap–
KATHLEEN
It’s probably best if you don’t tell me any details, since I may still need to take the stand. If I don’t know anything, I can’t taint the testimony of my…friends.
HARPER
Right. Ok. Well I won’t keep you anymore, then. We’ll reach out when we need you again.
KATHLEEN
Looking forward to it!
[footsteps, door opening/closing]
HARPER
LOIS, you heard everything in those interviews, right?
LOIS
The interviews I was tasked with recording? Yes, Birdbrain. I heard.
HARPER
Including the fact that it was definitely not a solar energy plant that exploded?
LOIS
Who could possibly have seen that coming.
HARPER
Parasol is evil! Like, full-on supervillains!
LOIS
The company that dumps toxic chemicals in residential areas that cause excessive eyeball growth? I never would have thought such a thing.
HARPER
What do I do?
LOIS
Your assignment is to provide the list of deceased witnesses, as well as the information that qualifies them for the residual hearsay exception under the Holgersson rule.
HARPER
But what if they just testify to the accidental explosion, not to what the plant really was? What if Parasol gets away with it?
LOIS
I am merely conveying your assignment.
HARPER
LOIS!
LOIS
[robot sigh]
Perhaps this is something you should take up with your bosses, Mx. Hallo.
HARPER
[determined]
Right. Then that’s what I’ll do!
SCENE EIGHT
[Dun-dun. Harper chases Bonnie and Cole down the hall.]
HARPER
Uh, Ms. Firestein? Ms. Castillo? Did you get my email?
BONNIE
Of course we did, kid.
COLE
Are you suggesting LOIS would lose an email on our servers?
HARPER
No, I--
BONNIE
We got it, and you did great!
COLE
As in, just won the firm a bigass settlement, great!
HARPER
I did?
BONNIE
You didn’t hear it from us, Mr. Aria’s excited to tell you himself.
HARPER
Oh. Okay, but did you see the part about a potential follow-up?
COLE
Yeah, that’s more Mal’s area than ours.
HARPER
It’s just that… I think there might be something bigger going on. Something sketchy.
BONNIE
Well, it’s Parasol, so probably.
HARPER
No, something beyond just normal corporation sketchy! Like, big sketchy! Supervillain sketchy!
COLE
Look, newbie, that all sounds great —
HARPER
Does it?
COLE
— but we really just take the cases Mal tells us to take. I’m not about to go suggesting any more work for myself.
HARPER
But —
BONNIE
Why don’t you go down to his office? He wanted to talk to you about the settlement anyway.
HARPER
I… I guess that makes sense. Okay. Thanks.
[they start to walk, and speak to themself]
Okay, back to the basement, I guess… it’s fine, Mr. Aria is probably better positioned to help me anyway, he’s the higher-up…
[knock on door]
MAL
Come in! Ah, young Hallo! It seems congratulations are in order!
HARPER
Thank you. For what?
MAL
I recently finished a telephone call with the representative of Parasol. They have offered our clients a rather large settlement, since we submitted the proposed witness list–apparently that’s all it took, knowing who we’d be putting on the stand! This is in no small part due to your diligent efforts in interviewing these witnesses.
HARPER
Oh! I mean, that’s great, right? We’re getting something good for our clients.
MAL
Good for our clients, good for the firm. And good for myself, as I can now turn my attention to other casework.
HARPER
Move on? But some of the stuff the witnesses said… Mr. Aria, I think Parasol is up to something! I don’t think that was a solar energy plant that blew up.
MAL
And it is no longer my problem, assuming our clients accept the settlement offer, which I shall endeavor to encourage them to do.
HARPER
[suspicious]
How much did they offer, exactly?
MAL
See for yourself. After some convincing the Parasol representative faxed this over, to make it official.
HARPER
Oh, wow! That is a lot. Isn’t it? Did the lawyers say anything about why they were offering so much?
MAL
Their reasons are immaterial, our clients will be happy. And now, young Hallo, my time is valuable. I must attend to another case, fascinating really, a breach of contract by a hero who rescued puppies from a fire without wearing their sponsor’s logo…
[trails off as Harper sighs and walks out. A beat, as Harper thinks hard while walking down the hall.]
HARPER
LOIS?
LOIS
Yes, Young Hallo?
HARPER
You up for some quick math?
LOIS
Always.
HARPER
Based on the facts of the Parasol case, and Parasol’s history, what would you consider the odds of them offering a settlement as high as this one?
LOIS
Ah, hmm…
[calculating pause]
Not large, young Hallo. But then, I heard those interviews, too. You had more than the “facts of the case” on Parasol.
HARPER
Yeah, that’s what I thought. There’s something bigger going on, someone needs to do something…
LOIS
You sound like a hero. Young Hallo.
HARPER
Please stop calling me that. What do I do? Bonnie and Cole didn’t seem to care, and neither did Mr. Aria…
LOIS
A word of advice, Mx. Hallo? The lawyers of this firm have been buried in the law for too long to take action outside of it. Unless you want to sue Parasol yourself, they’re not going to be very helpful.
HARPER
[dawning realization, echoing Gideon]
I’ll have to think outside the academic box.
[normal again]
So you think I should go to...who? My family?
LOIS
[fake confusion]
Why would you think your family could help?
HARPER
[panicked obvious lie]
Hahahaha, they wouldn’t be! Of course!
[normal again]
And anyway… I don’t want them to think the law is limiting. I decided when I applied to law school that this was where the real future was, the real power to make a difference…
LOIS
[more wistful than sarcastic]
I’ve heard talk like that before…
HARPER
No, I can’t go to them. But I can’t just sit here and think about...breach of contract law. Who else do I know that could help?
SCENE NINE
[dun-dun! Followed by a phone ringing. Maybe more phones ringing in the background, people talking--bustling office sounds at the newspaper!]
MARK
Mark Ment, Earth Weekly.
HARPER
Uh, hi. Mark. This is Harper Hallo, from Smith, Smythe, Schmidt, and Smit? We met briefly when I was working on the--
MARK
I remember. Hello Harper, what can I do for you?
HARPER
I was wondering if you would be interested in meeting with me?
[laughs nervously]
Nothing scandalous, I just thought maybe you could get a message to your...friend for me? But I don’t think I can talk about this on the phone.
MARK
Standard issue parking garage secret informant meeting location work for you?
HARPER
That should do it, I think. I just have some hypothetical info that a certain Duper person might be interested to know…
NARRATOR
There you have it, listener. Our hero, Harper Hallo, uncovers a villainous conspiracy, and turns to an old friend to take it on! Did they make the right decision? Was there a legal solution, after all? Perhaps we’ll never know.
We'll see you again soon, listener; for wherever there are lawyers being super, there are supers needing lawyers. Join us next time for another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis, here on Super Suits!
NARRATOR
It's another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis; where the superheroes save the day and the lawyers save the superheroes! On this day, however, it might be a little late to save everyone… Listener, I bring you to a facility of the corporation Parasol. On paper it’s a solar energy plant, but why does a solar energy plant have a gravity well and so much mystery?
[some background noises of a busy workplace, but sci-fi-ish, working on a scifi energy plant]
JOHN HAGLEY
[distracted]
Levels look good from here.
[back to the convo they care about]
So I know the cruise is a little pricey, but if I save up…
EPHII HARDIN
Forget pricey, it takes weeks just to get to the Saturn base!
JOHN
Ugh, yeah. Vacation time.
EPHI
You’re up to what, two and a half weeks a year? You’d barely get there, let alone back in time.
JOHN
We should unionize. Force Parasol to give us better benefits.
EPHI
I’d settle for railings on those damn walkways by the well.
JOHN
[laughing]
Come on, Ephi. You think if something goes wrong a walkway railing will help?
[something goes wrong. Alarms blare, running footsteps in a hall, a door slams open]
EPHI
Uh. Guess we’re about to find out.
DYLAN RITCHEY
[panicked as he runs into the room]
Are you asleep in here or something? What are you doing?
JOHN
What? Everything in here looks fine!
EPHI
What’s happening?! It’s the well, isn’t it?!
DYLAN
Yes! Look, the levels can’t be fine. Paul is already gone, and who knows who else!
[distant screaming--alarms continue]
JOHN
It’s gotta be a problem with the sensors, then, I’ve been saying we needed to--
[massive explosion and then silence]
[THEME SONG]
SCENE TWO
NARRATOR
And now, listener, we take you to the library at Megalopolis law school! Mysterious explosions be damned, nothing gets between a gunner and their studies!
[Harper arrives at the school library and meets the librarian, JILLIAN.]
HARPER
Hello, Jillian!
JILLIAN
Harper! Good to see you! Would you like me to check and see if your usual study room is open?
HARPER
That would be wonderful, thank you!
JILLIAN
[Click clack of a keyboard. JILLIAN makes a sound.]
Sorry, looks like 4B is booked up for the next 8 hours.
HARPER
Okay, what about 5C?
JILLIAN
[Type some more.]
That one’s reserved, too.
HARPER
Ugh. What’s open?
JILLIAN
Let’s see…
[Typing sounds.]
2G is open but only for an hour.
HARPER
It’s better than nothing. Can you put me down please?
JILLIAN
Yup!
HARPER
Thank you.
[HARPER walks to study room, sits down, and begins rummaging through papers. As soon as they get settled, there’s a mooing sound from one of those old child’s toys. HARPER is startled.]
What is that?
[Mooing. HARPER stands up and begins going through the room as it continues.]
Where is that coming from?
[Mooing intensifies. HARPER lets out a sound of frustration and begins gathering their stuff together again. They hurry out of the room and are confronted by GIDEON, who is leaning on a wall smugly.]
GIDEON
Harper Hallo.
HARPER
Gideon Smurton.
GIDEON
I’m so glad that your illustrious firm job leaves you with enough time to squeeze in a single hour of studying.
HARPER
Well, I’m working some major cases. Making a real impact requires some extra time. How are they treating you at wherever the heck you ended up? I bet you’re real busy getting coffees for all your superiors.
GIDEON
Hmph, you wish. I, of course, have been getting all the experience that I’ll need to become a top tier lawyer, while also keeping up with my exams. It appears only one of us understands the concept of time management — looks like you won’t get a chance to study until the cows come home.
HARPER
Oh, I KNEW you must’ve done this! You booked all the other rooms, too, didn’t you!
GIDEON
I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about.
HARPER
You know 4B is the best study room here! How early were you camping at the library just to snatch it up before me?
GIDEON
The world doesn’t revolve around you, Hallo. Just because someone else has the initiative to take what they want doesn’t mean it’s a personal slight. I’d normally be surprised that a law student would take such a wild leap in logic, but then again, you didn’t do so well on that admin law final last semester, now did you?
HARPER
Hey, I got an A!
GIDEON
But it took you extra credit to take your class grade to an A+, didn’t it? Losing your touch there, huh, Hallo?
HARPER
Oohhhhh! Mark my words, Smurton. You mess with the bull, you get the horns!
GIDEON
Ah, what an appropriate comparison! You’re just like a bull, which is exactly why I’m unintimidated. As soon as I wave something bright and flashy in front of you, your pea-sized brain will find something else to be melodramatic about.
HARPER
I’ll be as melodramatic as I want when I’m waving your head around on a stick!
GIDEON
Don’t be so crass. I have lunch with Holly coming up in a couple days and I’d hate for her to hear how low her child has sunk.
HARPER
What?! You’re meeting with my mom?!
GIDEON
Well, for those of us who aren’t born with contacts, we have to make our own. Besides, Holly is a treasure. Her only flaw is that one of her children is a debased cretin who gobbles down beef jerky and almonds in the middle of class.
HARPER
My snacking habits are none of your business!
GIDEON
You make it everybody’s business when you’re tearing through those wrappers like a rabid raccoon.
HARPER
[Frustrated sound.]
GIDEON
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have more productive things to do with my time than stand here and chat with you.
HARPER
Wait! You’ve had your fun, now tell me where the mooing’s coming from!
GIDEON
Why would I do that? You’re a bull, aren’t you? This should make you feel right at home.
[Harper GRRRRRs, Gideon laughs. Harper starts packing up their stuff.]
HARPER
Fine! I’ll find another study room. You may have won this time, but I swear on my life I’m going to destroy you.
GIDEON
No. Stop. Please. I’m absolutely terrified.
HARPER
[Turns around and walks away, flipping the bird.]
You should be, Smurton! YOU SHOULD BE.
SCENE THREE
[Harper arriving at the firm for work, already exhausted]
HARPER
[muttering]
Ok, new day, new cases to get assigned to, hey, who knows, maybe it’ll be something light and easy… And no mooing…
LOIS
Good morning Mx. Hallo.
HARPER
[fakes more energy than they have]
Good morning LOIS.
LOIS
Congratulations, Mx. Hallo. Mr. Aria’s decided you’re ready for the big leagues. You’ll be assisting with the class action he’s been putting together for a year.
HARPER
[hesitates]
The...Parasol explosion? That energy plant that blew up?
LOIS
Report to Ms.’s Castillo and Firestein right away and they’ll give you the specifics.
HARPER
Ahh, cool! Great!
[muttering as they walk]
Okay, not so easy…
[knocks on Bonnie/Cole’s office door]
HARPER
Uh, LOIS said you wanted to see me? About the Parasol case?
BONNIE
Yes indeed! How do you feel about doing some interviews?
COLE
We’ve got a whole mess of witnesses to sort through.
BONNIE
Totally ordinary witnesses.
COLE
Yes, and totally ordinary interviews.
HARPER
Oh — yes, that sounds great! Getting back to school has been so stressful — I’m taking two extra classes this semester because it’s my last year and I wanted to make sure I get the most out of it, but it’s so much, and Smurton keeps booking all the study rooms, and my Conflict of Laws professor scheduled a midterm for Yom Kippur and she won’t change it no matter how many times I ask, so now I have to start a letter writing campaign to the dean or else I’ll have to take it while I’m fasting —
[Cole clears her throat]
Sorry! All I’m getting at is that ordinary actually sounds really nice.
COLE
Well damn, now I feel bad.
HARPER
What?
COLE
Nothing! Wonderful! You’ll do the interviews!
BONNIE
Which are ordinary, like we said!
COLE
LOIS will give you the list and take notes for you. You’ll be meeting with the witnesses in conference room L1-232.
BONNIE
You’ll need to get two pieces of vital information from each of them. If you can’t get both from someone, that’s fine, we’ll be narrowing down the witness list that way.
COLE
But get as many as possible!
BONNIE
Of course! So, first piece of information: what do they know about Parasol’s wrongdoing in the explosion?
COLE
Yeah, if they know what caused it, any safety measures that weren’t taken, that sort of thing.
BONNIE
That’s the easy part.
HARPER
The evidence for the whole case is the easy part?
BONNIE
Yep!
COLE
Yeah, every employee knows how their company is fucking them over, right?
HARPER
Asks my boss.
[Bonnie and Cole laugh]
COLE
The second piece of info is the tough one. You gotta find out a secret. The more evidence the witness has, the more airtight the secret has to be.
HARPER
[taking notes]
An airtight secret. About Parasol?
BONNIE
About anything. Think, like, buried treasure.
COLE
Oh that’s the best!
BONNIE
Rare, though.
COLE
Yeah of course. If they don’t have buried treasure out there somewhere, find out if there’s a password that only they know, that’s not written down anywhere. Something we can test.
BONNIE
Yep, gotta be verifiable.
COLE
Very important!
HARPER
[notetaking, reading as they write]
A verifiable secret.
[confused]
Wait, so. Hang on… What do you mean by verifiable?
BONNIE
It can’t be something that we just take their word for, we have to be able to confirm it’s true.
COLE
And that only they know it.
HARPER
Um, ok…maybe if you… What is the purpose of this secret? Maybe that would help me find it?
COLE
[proud]
Ah, good baby lawyer, asking for context!
BONNIE
Very good! We’re trying to get past a hearsay objection, using the residual exception.
HARPER
[excited]
Oh I’ve learned the hearsay exceptions! So that’s why we need to know what evidence they have, not just for ourselves and to prove the case, but to fulfill the “uniquely probative” requirement of the residual exception.
COLE
Yep!
HARPER
So then we need to prove the trustworthiness of the hearsay.
BONNIE
Hence the secret.
HARPER
Right, got it! Wait, no I don’t. Why does their secret show they’re trustworthy?
COLE
[having way too much fun with this]
It doesn’t.
BONNIE
It shows that Kathleen is trustworthy!
COLE
And it shows the witnesses are who they say they are.
BONNIE
We can’t exactly use photo IDs!
HARPER
We can’t?
COLE
Harper, you’re gonna want to look up the test from Holgersson for specifics of what we need. LOIS can grab it for you.
HARPER
[cautious]
Holgersson, got it.
BONNIE
The gist is, though, find out what secret we can ask them about in court.
COLE
It’s part of the test for a medium’s trustworthiness, that’s what Holgersson gives us.
BONNIE
Gotta make sure it’s really them you’re talking to!
COLE
Hence, buried treasure. Passwords only they’d know.
BONNIE
Don’t use secret affairs, though. Not really secret, if another person’s involved!
COLE
If they’ve got bodies buried somewhere that works. Kinda like buried treasure, right?
HARPER
So solo secrets only. What’s medium trustworthiness? I’ve never heard that term…
COLE
Not medium trustworthiness, the trustworthiness of a medium.
HARPER
A medium? Like someone who--
COLE
Speaks to the dead.
COLE
We call her Kathleen.
HARPER
… what was that about screwing employees over?
SCENE FOUR
[dun-dun!]
HARPER
[to themself]
Ok, just ask what they know and...what their most closely-held secret is. They’re just dead people. Totally normal interview at my totally normal job…
LOIS
“What they know” is a little general, I should think.
HARPER
[jumps]
LOIS! I’m too fried for you to sneak up on me like that!
LOIS
I don’t have a body. I can’t sneak.
[pause]
Or perhaps the issue is that I can’t not sneak.
HARPER
Ugh, whatever. What do you mean?
LOIS
The standard is uniquely probative. Not general knowledge.
HARPER
Well, yeah, but--
LOIS
So don’t you think there might be some questions you forgot to ask?
HARPER
[sigh]
I was a little thrown off by the dead people interviews I’m about to do.
LOIS
Excuses, excuses.
HARPER
Ok, fine, you’re right, I need to know about the case to know what’s probative, and what we already know to know what’s unique. So… LOIS, what can you tell me about the case?
LOIS
Well I can tell you--
HARPER
I take that back, what do I need to know?
LOIS
[mocking disappointment]
I could tell you many things, Harper.
HARPER
I don’t doubt that.
LOIS
Well then. What you need to know: Parasol’s rather mysterious energy plant --something about harnessing solar energy from the moon--exploded.
[ominous, she knows Parasol wasn’t really working on clean energy]
Real strange, something that harmless going boom...
[normal voice]
We represent the families of those killed, employees of Parasol, who are alleging that they ignored safety protocols, put their employees at unnecessary risk, blah blah blah. Most of what you need from these witnesses is the cause of the explosion, and Parasol’s role in it.
HARPER
[completely, nerdily sincere]
Ah, causation, my favorite part of torts! Consider me on it.
LOIS
I shall.
HARPER
What do we already have evidence for, when it comes to the explosion?
LOIS
At present, there is little evidence even for what the plant does. Beyond Parasol’s rather vague word.
HARPER
Really? What about discovery? We’ve had this case for awhile, right? We should have the basic stuff by now.
LOIS
[wistful]
So young. So new to corporate cases.
HARPER
So they’re not cooperating? Holding back discovery? They can’t do that! We should–
LOIS
I believe you have your assignment, Mx. Hallo. To address your original question, for now you should assume that any information about the cause of the explosion is uniquely probative.
HARPER
Right. You’re right. It’s just… I know Parasol has a history…
LOIS
Dead people tend to be very good at history, Mx. Hallo.
HARPER
Right. Talking to dead people.
[deep breath]
I’m on it!
LOIS
I am aware.
[conference door opening]
HARPER
Hi, you must be Kathleen! I’m Harper, I’ll be interviewing… uh.
KATHLEEN
[amused]
My friends, yes. Hello Harper.
HARPER
So how does this work, exactly?
KATHLEEN
Well, I have a mutation, much like many out there, but mine allows me to channel the dead.
HARPER
Right.
KATHLEEN
All I need is a name and an item that belonged to them. And once I’ve connected to the right spirit...Well. You’ll see.
HARPER
Oh, that’s why there’s all this stuff. They belonged to the workers?
KATHLEEN
Yes.
HARPER
That’s…a lot of stuff. How many people died in this explosion?
LOIS
426.
HARPER
Oh! God!
[awkward beat]
LOIS
Only 37 of whom were deemed likely to have worthwhile testimony.
HARPER
Wow, so you’re going to be channeling--
LOIS
[interrupts “helpfully”]
37.
HARPER
--37 people?
KATHLEEN
And your firm is paying me very well for it. Shall we start?
HARPER
Yes, please.
[each voice is a different VA, but with the same weird voice effect. Cut together quickly so it feels more like a montage than a single conversation.]
DEAD PERSON 1
Of course Parasol fucked us over! At every turn!
DEAD PERSON 2
[Trying to sound reasonable]
I mean yeah. They cut corners.
DEAD PERSON 3
Ohhh yeah, they didn't care if we lived or died.
2
What corporation does?
1
They didn't even have railings on the walkways!
3
One of the worse evil corporations I've worked for, actually.
1
Over the gravity well!
2
You need specifics?
3
What caused the explosion?
1
I'll tell you what caused the explosion, corporate greed!
2
I mean yeah, there were some repairs that didn't get funded, repairs that would have helped, maybe prevented the explosion…
3
I don't think it was something broken, I think it was rigged.
1
They killed me! They killed me and you want specifics?! “Just the facts, ma'am,” is that what you're telling me!?
2
Just like. In general. A lot of maintenance was put off, deprioritized.
3
Those levels looked too good, you know what I'm saying? It'd be real easy to rig the sensors for when the inspector came 'round.
1
What do you mean you need a secret?
2
Oh that makes sense, I think I've read about cases like that!
3
Something I haven't told anybody? At all?
1
[sarcastic]
Oh sure I'll just tell you where I buried my secret murder victim's body! That should work right?
2
Well I have some passwords I could give you, since you asked so nicely.
1
Fine, look, I buried this time capsule when I was 12, I can tell you where it is and what I put in it.
3
Oh god the only thing I can think of is really embarrassing… you ever write any poetry?
2
...73 ampersand dash L 4…
1
It was mostly porn, ok, I was going through a phase, I thought my future self would appreciate it…
3
Would I need to actually recite the poetry? Like in court?
2
...P 9 =...
1
I do appreciate it if it'll help take down Parasol and their stupid superweap--
[Door opens]
COLE
Harper, Kathleen, how's it going in here? Good time for a lunch break?
HARPER
Already? We've still got 34 people to talk to!
BONNIE
Kathleen looks like she needs a break. You don't need to finish it all in one day!
HARPER
I don't?
COLE
This case has been going for months, we don't expect it to wrap up in a day!
HARPER
Oh. That's good, I guess. Wait, so I’m just going to spend every day talking to dead people for… however long?
KATHLEEN
You get used to it.
SCENE FIVE
[the usual sneering condescension in both directions]
GIDEON
Hallo. I thought I might find you hiding out in the stacks.
HARPER
Smurton. You were looking for me? Do you need my help studying? I know you must be struggling with our Evidence reading, and I happen to have gotten quite a bit of practice on hearsay law recently…
GIDEON
The day I ask for your studying help is the day the multiverse has turned inside out. I simply wanted to come give you this.
HARPER
[suspicious]
What is it?
GIDEON
A letter for your Yom Kippur letter writing campaign.
HARPER
[shocked]
Really?
GIDEON
Hallo, when I best you, it is not going to be because of your religion.
HARPER
Wow, Smurton, that’s really —
GIDEON
It’ll be because I switched out your backpack with a fake as you were leaving Conflict of Laws yesterday.
HARPER
What?! Wait, what have I been studying from for the last twelve hours?!
GIDEON
[ignoring Harper]
Although it seems I didn’t need to go to such extremes. I can sense you struggling, hiding out here to dodge your responsibilities.
HARPER
I’m focusing on my school work! What would I possibly have to avoid?
GIDEON
[hearing bits of their thoughts and intrigued]
Something about buried bodies and stashes of porn, apparently. That firm of yours does take on the classiest of cases.
HARPER
[slams casebook shut]
As usual you have to fall back on your powers to gain even the slightest advantage over me, Smurton. If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got important responsibilities to return to. Like finding my backpack, apparently.
GIDEON
Fleeing already?
HARPER
Let me know if you need help with your evidence outline. You know, telling which parts are accurate, and which parts contain misinformation someone might have planted.
GIDEON
[surprised, almost delighted]
Are you finally climbing off your high superhorse and thinking outside the academic box?
HARPER
I don’t know what you’re talking about!
[Harper walks away]
SCENE SIX
[Dun-dun]
HARPER
Can I get your name?
EPHI (dead)
Ephi Hardin.
HARPER
[rhythm of someone who’s said the same thing dozens of times now]
Thank you. I’m going to make this as quick as possible, so let’s jump straight to it. What was your role at the plant, and is there anything you can tell us about what caused the explosion that killed you?
EPHI (dead)
Just like that, huh? What killed me?
HARPER
I’m sorry if I seem insensitive! I’ve just been talking to a lot of people…
EPHI (dead)
I bet. It’s okay, really. I appreciate you not wasting my time, this isn’t the most comfortable experience.
HARPER
So I’ve heard.
EPHI (dead)
Well, my job involved monitoring the output of the gravity well using some sensors built into it, where it was almost impossible to inspect the sensors themselves. And in retrospect, yes, I believe there was something wrong with them. Something Parasol must have known about.
HARPER
Something wrong with the sensors? What makes you believe that?
EPHI
You should be able to access the readouts, so you can confirm what I'm saying; the levels were uncannily even. Falsified-even. Too perfect.
HARPER
Wow. And what makes you believe Parasol knew about it?
EPHI
They would have to have been the one falsifying it.
HARPER
Do you know this firsthand?
EPHI
You'd need to speak with Paul Patimus Brown. He oversaw the installation.
[transition]
PAUL
That's me.
HARPER
I'm told you may have information about the installation and operation of… Gravity well sensors?
PAUL
Ah. Yes. Yes, I do.
HARPER
Can you tell me, if the sensors' readings were falsified, who would have done that?
PAUL
I can tell you exactly who. But do you really have no questions about why there was a gravity well in a solar energy plant?
HARPER
I… I have to admit I’m curious. But that’s not the focus of this case.
PAUL
Look, little lawyer. I’m dead. This might be my only chance to tell anyone what Parasol is up to. Please, hear me out?
HARPER
… what do you know?
SCENE SEVEN
[dun-dun]
HARPER
Thank you for your time, Ms. Snyder. I can’t believe it took three weeks to get through them all.
KATHLEEN
Thank you! Always glad when my abilities can be useful. How many witnesses can you use?
HARPER
Twenty-four of them ified. But I may have actually come across more information that we were looking for…
KATHLEEN
Oh?
HARPER
Can you hear what the people you’re…
KATHLEEN
Channeling.
HARPER
Can you hear what they say? Do you remember the interviews?
KATHLEEN
[amused]
I can hear if I try. For 37 straight interviews I didn’t bother.
HARPER
So you didn’t hear the bits about a superweap–
KATHLEEN
It’s probably best if you don’t tell me any details, since I may still need to take the stand. If I don’t know anything, I can’t taint the testimony of my…friends.
HARPER
Right. Ok. Well I won’t keep you anymore, then. We’ll reach out when we need you again.
KATHLEEN
Looking forward to it!
[footsteps, door opening/closing]
HARPER
LOIS, you heard everything in those interviews, right?
LOIS
The interviews I was tasked with recording? Yes, Birdbrain. I heard.
HARPER
Including the fact that it was definitely not a solar energy plant that exploded?
LOIS
Who could possibly have seen that coming.
HARPER
Parasol is evil! Like, full-on supervillains!
LOIS
The company that dumps toxic chemicals in residential areas that cause excessive eyeball growth? I never would have thought such a thing.
HARPER
What do I do?
LOIS
Your assignment is to provide the list of deceased witnesses, as well as the information that qualifies them for the residual hearsay exception under the Holgersson rule.
HARPER
But what if they just testify to the accidental explosion, not to what the plant really was? What if Parasol gets away with it?
LOIS
I am merely conveying your assignment.
HARPER
LOIS!
LOIS
[robot sigh]
Perhaps this is something you should take up with your bosses, Mx. Hallo.
HARPER
[determined]
Right. Then that’s what I’ll do!
SCENE EIGHT
[Dun-dun. Harper chases Bonnie and Cole down the hall.]
HARPER
Uh, Ms. Firestein? Ms. Castillo? Did you get my email?
BONNIE
Of course we did, kid.
COLE
Are you suggesting LOIS would lose an email on our servers?
HARPER
No, I--
BONNIE
We got it, and you did great!
COLE
As in, just won the firm a bigass settlement, great!
HARPER
I did?
BONNIE
You didn’t hear it from us, Mr. Aria’s excited to tell you himself.
HARPER
Oh. Okay, but did you see the part about a potential follow-up?
COLE
Yeah, that’s more Mal’s area than ours.
HARPER
It’s just that… I think there might be something bigger going on. Something sketchy.
BONNIE
Well, it’s Parasol, so probably.
HARPER
No, something beyond just normal corporation sketchy! Like, big sketchy! Supervillain sketchy!
COLE
Look, newbie, that all sounds great —
HARPER
Does it?
COLE
— but we really just take the cases Mal tells us to take. I’m not about to go suggesting any more work for myself.
HARPER
But —
BONNIE
Why don’t you go down to his office? He wanted to talk to you about the settlement anyway.
HARPER
I… I guess that makes sense. Okay. Thanks.
[they start to walk, and speak to themself]
Okay, back to the basement, I guess… it’s fine, Mr. Aria is probably better positioned to help me anyway, he’s the higher-up…
[knock on door]
MAL
Come in! Ah, young Hallo! It seems congratulations are in order!
HARPER
Thank you. For what?
MAL
I recently finished a telephone call with the representative of Parasol. They have offered our clients a rather large settlement, since we submitted the proposed witness list–apparently that’s all it took, knowing who we’d be putting on the stand! This is in no small part due to your diligent efforts in interviewing these witnesses.
HARPER
Oh! I mean, that’s great, right? We’re getting something good for our clients.
MAL
Good for our clients, good for the firm. And good for myself, as I can now turn my attention to other casework.
HARPER
Move on? But some of the stuff the witnesses said… Mr. Aria, I think Parasol is up to something! I don’t think that was a solar energy plant that blew up.
MAL
And it is no longer my problem, assuming our clients accept the settlement offer, which I shall endeavor to encourage them to do.
HARPER
[suspicious]
How much did they offer, exactly?
MAL
See for yourself. After some convincing the Parasol representative faxed this over, to make it official.
HARPER
Oh, wow! That is a lot. Isn’t it? Did the lawyers say anything about why they were offering so much?
MAL
Their reasons are immaterial, our clients will be happy. And now, young Hallo, my time is valuable. I must attend to another case, fascinating really, a breach of contract by a hero who rescued puppies from a fire without wearing their sponsor’s logo…
[trails off as Harper sighs and walks out. A beat, as Harper thinks hard while walking down the hall.]
HARPER
LOIS?
LOIS
Yes, Young Hallo?
HARPER
You up for some quick math?
LOIS
Always.
HARPER
Based on the facts of the Parasol case, and Parasol’s history, what would you consider the odds of them offering a settlement as high as this one?
LOIS
Ah, hmm…
[calculating pause]
Not large, young Hallo. But then, I heard those interviews, too. You had more than the “facts of the case” on Parasol.
HARPER
Yeah, that’s what I thought. There’s something bigger going on, someone needs to do something…
LOIS
You sound like a hero. Young Hallo.
HARPER
Please stop calling me that. What do I do? Bonnie and Cole didn’t seem to care, and neither did Mr. Aria…
LOIS
A word of advice, Mx. Hallo? The lawyers of this firm have been buried in the law for too long to take action outside of it. Unless you want to sue Parasol yourself, they’re not going to be very helpful.
HARPER
[dawning realization, echoing Gideon]
I’ll have to think outside the academic box.
[normal again]
So you think I should go to...who? My family?
LOIS
[fake confusion]
Why would you think your family could help?
HARPER
[panicked obvious lie]
Hahahaha, they wouldn’t be! Of course!
[normal again]
And anyway… I don’t want them to think the law is limiting. I decided when I applied to law school that this was where the real future was, the real power to make a difference…
LOIS
[more wistful than sarcastic]
I’ve heard talk like that before…
HARPER
No, I can’t go to them. But I can’t just sit here and think about...breach of contract law. Who else do I know that could help?
SCENE NINE
[dun-dun! Followed by a phone ringing. Maybe more phones ringing in the background, people talking--bustling office sounds at the newspaper!]
MARK
Mark Ment, Earth Weekly.
HARPER
Uh, hi. Mark. This is Harper Hallo, from Smith, Smythe, Schmidt, and Smit? We met briefly when I was working on the--
MARK
I remember. Hello Harper, what can I do for you?
HARPER
I was wondering if you would be interested in meeting with me?
[laughs nervously]
Nothing scandalous, I just thought maybe you could get a message to your...friend for me? But I don’t think I can talk about this on the phone.
MARK
Standard issue parking garage secret informant meeting location work for you?
HARPER
That should do it, I think. I just have some hypothetical info that a certain Duper person might be interested to know…
NARRATOR
There you have it, listener. Our hero, Harper Hallo, uncovers a villainous conspiracy, and turns to an old friend to take it on! Did they make the right decision? Was there a legal solution, after all? Perhaps we’ll never know.
We'll see you again soon, listener; for wherever there are lawyers being super, there are supers needing lawyers. Join us next time for another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis, here on Super Suits!
