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Hi, my friend.
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Welcome to Arc Two.
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This is season two, episode six of Beyond.
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I am Katie Lynn, identity expert and coach, and here to be a stand for the woman you are becoming beyond your wildest dreams.
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Now, if Arc 1, which was episodes one through five, was about naming the woman you are becoming, what we are covering today in Arc 2 is about meeting everything inside you that has been keeping you from being your dream woman right now.
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In this moment, I want to start with something I need you to know before we go any further into Arc 2.
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What we are about to excavate is not your enemy, and it is not a flaw.
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It is not evidence that something is broken or fundamentally wrong with you.
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It is a set of patterns that were built by an intelligent, resourceful person in response to real life experiences, and they worked, they protected you.
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And we've got to be honest and say that they have been running your life quietly, beneath your awareness, and oftentimes in the opposite direction of your declaration and who you desire to become ever since.
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I call this the adapted identity.
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It's the identity a woman develops to survive.
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But here at Beyond, we thrive.
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And that is where we own our power and design the identity that takes us beyond the mind, beyond the story, and beyond the limits.
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So let's dive into the excavation.
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To set the scene, let's rewind for a moment to the year I finally saw the pattern that had been running my life for two decades.
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And I say finally saw because I had been so embodied in this pattern that it felt as natural to me as breathing air.
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Have you ever experienced this?
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A pattern that is so familiar and yet so out of alignment that it's basically invisible, even though it really is actually in every decision you make, in every response that you create, in every interaction, it's everywhere.
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See, I knew about this pattern.
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And when I say I knew, I mean I was a licensed therapist, I had done my own work, I hired coaches, I was into podcasts, I had read every relevant book.
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And yet when it came to seeing myself truthfully and honestly, I still could not see the pattern in my life clearly enough to dismantle it.
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And the pattern was this I was chronically, compulsively productive.
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Now, don't get me wrong, I loved the work and I still genuinely love this work.
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But I noticed that when I stopped moving, I became literally physically uncomfortable.
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It felt so confronting for me to try to relax, to take a break and do nothing.
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And when I got really still, I could feel the feeling that I had been trying to outrun.
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And it was fear.
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Now, let's paint a picture here of what my life looked like during this time.
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So I went straight from high school into an athletic scholarship at a four-year university, straight from there into a master's program, straight from the master's program into starting my career at a job that was in alignment with my career, took a position.
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And then two weeks into that, finding out I was pregnant, 10 weeks after that, getting married, a year after that, purchasing a home.
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I mean, I was going, going, going, going.
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Two years after purchasing a home, getting my divorce finalized, and getting licensed as a psychotherapist.
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I mean, back to back to back to back, the evidence was so clear in front of me that I did not know how to press pause.
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I did not know how to rest and step back from my life and actually review it.
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So this fear was the specific fear that if I was not producing something, then it meant that I had no inherent value.
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The fear that I was only worthy if I was producing something or accomplishing something for other people or the world, or let's be honest, my ego.
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And I had dressed this pattern up in righteous clothing for so long, I really never thought to stop and ask if it was true for me, authentically true for me, or if it was a survival strategy that I was hiding my authenticity behind.
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What I had called ambition and drive was actually disassociation and self-abandonment.
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Achievement had become my most socially acceptable form of not having to feel what was happening inside of me.
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And not only is achievement socially acceptable, it's actually celebrated, right?
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We have graduation parties, we have housewarming parties, we have baby showers, right?
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There are so many ways in which it's not just about being socially accepted, it's about celebrating and being rewarded, right, socially for accomplishing things.
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And here's the deal: I could problem solve.
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And I knew how to figure things out really well.
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But if you asked me to feel my feelings during this time of my life, I would quickly find another five to 10 projects to sign up for.
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Finally, seeing this pattern was like experiencing my brain glitch and a gut punch at the same time.
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Learning about our patterns and adapted identity strategies can feel so confronting and uncomfortable.
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And the thing about identity work is once you see a pattern or a survival strategy, you really can't unsee it.
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And this is when the real work began for me.
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Not because the pattern just disappeared once I could finally see it, but because I had done the redesign and already knew where I was going.
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So I could quickly identify the aspects of myself, my relationships, and my environment that were no longer supportive of where I wanted to go and who I was becoming in this iteration of my life.
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And this is the architecture of excavate.
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So excavate represents the E in the red method.
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We have redesign, we have excavate, and we have disrupt.
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You can try to excavate without a target, and many people do, but excavating without a target can really quadruple the length of time it will take to get to where you want to go from where you are now.
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And I tried to excavate without a target, and it was dizzying.
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It really felt disorienting and honestly frustrating because it felt a lot like going in circles, knowing that I was doing the internal work, but not really seeing the fruits of that work showing up in my mind and my spirit and my environment, especially.
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So, what I want you to know is before you excavate, if you haven't done the declaration, which again is in episodes one through five of this season of Beyond, go do the declaration because the declaration is your target.
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And the declaration gives you a specific place to work towards.
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It's like having a map to your destination.
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And it collapses the amount of time, which is basically your most precious resource because it's non-renewable, right?
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And it collapses the time that it's going to take you to not just become the woman you desire to be, but also to create the life and the lifestyle that you really vision for yourself.
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So before we go any further, let's talk about what patterns actually are and why they can be so extraordinarily difficult to identify within ourselves.
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A pattern is not a habit.
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Let's clarify that.
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Habits are behaviors that you repeat consciously or subconsciously.
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Patterns are deeper than that.
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They are the internal reasoning driving the behavior that protects the identity.
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I'm gonna say that one more time.
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Patterns are the internal reasoning driving the behavior that protects the identity.
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They are the lens through which you make meaning and engage with the world and preserve the self that has been created up to this point.
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They are the operating system running beneath every decision, every relationship, every response, and every feeling.
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The patterns are designed to ensure that the identity or sense of self is not threatened, challenged, or changed.
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And here is why the patterns are invisible.
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The patterns are invisible because they need to feel like reality for us so that we never question them.
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Remember, your brain is not designed to keep you happy or to even facilitate happiness.
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Your brain is designed to sustain and maintain familiarity no matter what.
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And the thing that the brain focuses on the most to really make sure that that happens is to solidify the identity and to make you believe that you can't change it.
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And that is simply not true.
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So the patterns that protect the identity do not feel like a perspective or a choice or a story.
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They feel like the truth.
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And I really resonate with this because I've been there where something will be unfolding, and a coach would question me or a mentor would question me.
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And it would almost be like I felt defensive because my brain would go, but that actually did happen.
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And that's actually what happened, right?
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And so I would go on defense because I really regarded my circumstances and situations as the final boss of truth when the real truth was that what happened was circumstantial.
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What I was living by was the meaning that I attributed and made of those circumstances and what I made it mean about me, and what I made it mean about the other people involved, and what I made it mean about my future and my past.
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So the woman who believes that her value is conditional based on her performance does not experience that as a conscious belief.
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She experiences it as a fact of life.
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And this is what I was running in my 20s in real time.
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I thought, gosh, if I don't keep accomplishing things, and if I don't keep doing things, then I will not be a good human.
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And that is simply not the fullness of what it means to be a good human.
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That is a skewed version of beliefs and truths, and they all sustained an identity that was rooted in unworthiness and insecurity and fear.
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So the proving was the compensation for that.
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I wasn't pursuing these things because I felt enlivened by them or joyous about them or like it was a calling from my higher power.
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I was pursuing them from a place of fear that if I stopped, I would no longer be celebrated, I would no longer be respected, I would no longer be a contributing important person and part of society, which is a very painful truth to admit to oneself.
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That was a very dark time and realization.
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And that is a pattern.
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That is how a pattern shows up.
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It is not a universal truth, but living inside the pattern makes it seem as if this pattern represents the totality of what is available for us in our reality.
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And as a side note, this is one aspect of how cults are sustained, but that's another topic for another day, right?
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The the idea that this is the only thing that exists and this is the way that it's done and is not done anywhere else in any other way, right?
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That is how we create really sometimes questionable circumstances for ourselves and others when we become so rigid and committed to only one way, right?
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When it comes to the brilliant, high-achieving women who work with Beyond, there are four patterns that I see come up the most.
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And I will be the first to tell you that I have lived in every single one of these at some point or another.
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And I'm gonna share these four patterns with you.
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But before I do, I'm going to ask you to listen for the ones that might be running your life.
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Because you probably don't live with all four patterns, but chances are good that you are familiar with at least one.
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And recognizing that one pattern could be the difference between you staying right where you are right now or making massive progress in your own life and bringing the dreams and the goals and everything that you write down, maybe at the beginning of the year or the beginning of every quarter, to life much faster than you planned to.
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Ready?
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Here we go.
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Pattern number one is perfectionism.
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And perfectionism lives by the code that nothing is ever good enough.
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And this can easily feel like ambition and drive, and like, I just have big goals and I just want to get things done.
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And the woman who lives with perfectionism was the woman who learned early on that love and safety were conditional and based on performance.
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Can you hear this showing up in the story I shared with you earlier?
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Perfectionism is not vanity, and it's not even striving for excellence.
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Perfectionism is a survival strategy to keep the peace that is dressed up as ambitious.
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It seems righteous, it seems admirable, it seems inspiring.
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But the relentless internal voice that continuously critiques or overthinks or overgives and tries to predict the emotional needs of others is actually not trying to make you better.
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It is trying to keep you safe by never letting you be seen as less than perfect so that you won't risk losing love or safety.
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And how this shows up in your life very quietly is that you take more time than you need to, maybe on something.
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You revise more times than maybe you need to, or more than what's required.
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You might delay the launch, you might postpone important decisions, or you might wait to step into an opportunity until the conditions are perfect or until you are ready.
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And here's where it gets really wild.
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What is perfect?
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Really?
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Perfect is an assessment only made in hindsight.
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And it's a subjective assessment at that.
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So when we strive for perfection, we must ask ourselves: who is making the assessment of what is perfect and what isn't?
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And what are the standards for perfect?
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I guarantee you, once you start answering these questions, you will see real quick that this pattern is not just detrimental, it is flat out nonsensical.
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Because you and I both know that conditions are never perfect.
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The pattern of perfectionism ensures that they never will be, because perfect was never really about the output.
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It was about believing that safety and love could only come from outside yourself and that it had to be earned.
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And it might have been true in the past, but going forward, it does not have to be true any longer unless you would like it to be.
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Now, pattern number two is overachievement as avoidance.
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And overachievement as avoidance says, I just have a lot of drive.
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I just have to keep doing.
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I just love to create and produce and accomplish.
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And what's actually happening is that when she stops moving and she takes a pause and she is forced to feel and it's just her and her inner world, she feels some things that she doesn't really know what to do with because she feels so confident and capable when she's doing that.
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But you and I both know that there's nothing really to do about feelings.
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So when she has to sit and be with herself, it brings her to a place where she can't pride herself on finding a solution because there is no problem to solve.
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It is just discomfort.
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It is just the unfamiliar.
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It's only feelings and sensations that were maybe rejected or or punished if she felt them or expressed them when she was younger as a child.
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See, the overachiever who leverages overachievement as avoidance, she adapted by making sure that she did everything except feel.
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So she sticks to doing.
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Achievement became her most socially acceptable form of getting love, abandoning herself, and avoiding what was happening inside of her.
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The busyness became protection.
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Protection against neglect, against grief, against loneliness, against the terrifying question of who could love her when she has nothing to do for them and no one to be for them.
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The overachieving woman says yes to the next project before she has even processed the completion of the last project.
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Her calendar has no white space, not because she doesn't think rest is important, but because rest forces her to feel and no dopamine lives in meditation, my friends.
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I meditate every day and there is no dopamine there.
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The exhaustion and the resentment that the overachiever carries is not from too much work.
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It is because suppressing emotions requires more energy than actually facing them does.
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But your brain could never let you figure that out yourself because if you did, your world would flip upside down and you'd have no choice but to get honest with yourself and make some changes about how you are using your mental resources, how you are using your physical resources, and how you are using your spiritual resources.
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And you might have to feel some things which could be very unfamiliar for you.
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Pattern three is people pleasing.
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And people pleasing shows up with a smile and says, I am just a caring person and I like helping other people.
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But behind the smile, she learned that she's actually not supposed to have needs and she's only to tend to the needs of others.
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So she says yes from fear or depletion and calls it generosity.
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She lives in martyrdom.
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And the boundary she doesn't set is not an act of love.
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It is an act of protection.
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Because if she stops caring for everyone else, will she still be desired and will she still be wanted?
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And it shows up like this.
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You know what you want to say, and you soften it, or you swallow it and you don't say it at all.
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You over-explain your decisions, you monitor other people's emotional states in the room and calibrate your behavior according to their emotions.
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You have become so skilled at this that you often cannot distinguish between what you actually want and what you think will be the most acceptable to people around you.
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And I think the most painful thing about perfectionism, at least in my experience, has been perfectionism thrives on the lack of a sense of self.
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So when we decide that we're no longer going to operate according to perfectionism, what we really say is, I am committed to actually developing a sense of self.
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And it takes us on this journey of discovering what we really like and what we really don't like, and how we do want to move and how we no longer want to move.
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And it is literally like building ourselves from the ground up.
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And it's beautiful, but it also can feel very disruptive and disorienting.
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And pattern four is drumroll, please, hyperindependence.
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Oh, this was probably the first one that showed up in my life early on.
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And the story that hyperindependence tells is I've always figured things out on my own.
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I don't really need help.
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In fact, my hyperindependence was so strong that I actually felt like help was a waste of time.
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I actually thought that help made things worse.
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And what was actually happening is the woman who operates with hyperindependence was let down big time.
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And probably multiple times over when she really needed someone.
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She concluded that reliance is risk.
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Reliance on someone else puts her at risk.
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She cannot trust.
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She cannot trust that that person is going to show up.
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She cannot trust that that person is going to follow through.
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She cannot trust that that person is going to maintain their commitments and keep their promises.
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She just has had trust in the world and other people so fractured that she decides that it is not just not helpful.
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It actually threatens her whole existence.
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So she built walls that were so effective that she forgot they were walls.
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And asking for help doesn't actually feel like wisdom.
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It feels like exposure and vulnerability.
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It feels like risking letting a monster into the castle, you know, and it and it shows up like taking on more than you're able to actually sustain, not delegating, because delegation requires trust and trust requires vulnerability.
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And vulnerability requires you to risk being disappointed or being forgotten or being abandoned.
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So you build systems of self-sufficiency that look a lot like capability, but are actually a fortress that is impeccable and it's also isolated.
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So now that you have heard the four common patterns, the true question emerges.
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And that is what identity are these patterns really protecting?
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And here's what I'll tell you: there is a through line, which is why I have experienced every single one of these patterns.
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And it's not uncommon for a woman who operates in hyperindependence to realize that she does so and start making changes and then shift ever so subtly into people pleasing or to shift from people pleasing into perfectionism, right?
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It's not uncommon to decide that we're going to change one and then have it sort of shape shift into another.
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And the reason why that happens is because there is a through line.
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And the woman who experiences the patterns of perfectionism, overachieving, or people pleasing has designed her life around a truth that it is really not safe for her to exist authentically and fully as a human.
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And the greatest threat to her identity is emotional connection and vulnerability.
00:26:13.950 --> 00:26:19.550
Being honest was something that really didn't serve her in her younger years.
00:26:19.790 --> 00:26:32.830
She may have felt things or asked questions and had ideas that maybe the adults raising her were not properly equipped to be fully present to in a safe way, or she was bullied for it as a child in school.
00:26:32.990 --> 00:26:35.950
And so she did the really intelligent thing.
00:26:36.190 --> 00:26:37.310
She adapted.
00:26:37.550 --> 00:26:42.430
She quickly learned to bypass her own feelings and emotions altogether.
00:26:42.670 --> 00:26:45.470
And for a time it worked.
00:26:51.310 --> 00:26:54.750
And is it what I want my life story to be about?
00:26:55.070 --> 00:26:58.110
Because we can only experience what we already have.
00:26:58.270 --> 00:27:08.190
So if I am unable to be fully human with myself, as myself, how could I experience a full and fulfilling life?
00:27:08.590 --> 00:27:20.670
If visibility and connection feels dangerous, then you might not be truly living, you might just be managing yourself every moment of every day and calling it a life.
00:27:20.990 --> 00:27:34.590
If you see yourself in these patterns, you may have learned to edit yourself for safety and offer the world a curated and watered-down version of you, or a quote-unquote, acceptable version of you.
00:27:34.830 --> 00:27:55.630
And living life like this can create anxiety, depression, certain autoimmune conditions, loneliness, and exhaustion, because as we said earlier, it takes a lot more energy to suppress emotions than it does to learn how to be with the emotions, to feel them and express them.
00:27:55.950 --> 00:28:01.790
And it is a survival strategy that contradicts our human nature fundamentally.
00:28:03.150 --> 00:28:23.390
And here's what I'll tell you in my own experience of having these four patterns, when I lived in these patterns, I also lived with seasons of depression, seasons of anxiety over a decade of an eating disorder, relationship issues, health issues.
00:28:23.710 --> 00:28:29.870
It was like I couldn't tell which way was up and which way was down and what was me and what wasn't me.
00:28:30.030 --> 00:28:31.870
This is something that is so important.
00:28:31.950 --> 00:28:40.750
And I feel so convicted to share this with you because this is not about no longer achieving your goals.
00:28:40.910 --> 00:28:47.310
This is not about no longer having drive or vision or doing the things that have been on your heart.
00:28:47.550 --> 00:28:50.510
This is about doing them from a different place.
00:28:50.910 --> 00:28:59.230
This is about no longer operating from the fear and learning to operate from the truth and the inspiration of who you are.
00:28:59.310 --> 00:29:05.470
And it is also very much about learning how to be with all of the emotions that you have.
00:29:06.030 --> 00:29:30.750
Because as a side note, I really truly believe that most of the issues that women deal with that they feel blindsided by, whether it be partnerships or friendships or relationships or, you know, business deals that fall out of good places, those things would have been caught earlier if she would have allowed herself to feel truly and deeply.
00:29:31.070 --> 00:29:36.350
Because when we suppress our emotions, we suppress our intuition as well.
00:29:36.830 --> 00:29:39.630
And our intuition is one of our superpowers.
00:29:40.270 --> 00:29:42.510
Now, take a breath.
00:29:42.830 --> 00:29:46.190
These patterns are not something to feel shame about.
00:29:46.430 --> 00:29:53.230
In fact, these patterns might be creating internal shame because shame is the belief that you are inherently wrong or bad.
00:29:53.470 --> 00:29:55.630
And that could not be further from the truth.
00:29:55.790 --> 00:29:59.310
We identify the pattern because shame keeps them invisible to you.
00:29:59.470 --> 00:30:03.310
And a pattern we cannot see is a pattern we cannot change.
00:30:03.630 --> 00:30:10.350
You also hear me share explicitly about my own journey with you because there is no shame here.
00:30:10.590 --> 00:30:24.110
Back when these were active and alive in my life and in my identity, there was tons of shame, tons of shame, to the point where shame was actually one of the invisible patterns that I did not know was a thing.
00:30:24.270 --> 00:30:30.190
I remember being on a call with a coach and she said, It sounds like you have a lot of shame in your system.
00:30:30.430 --> 00:30:34.830
And I straightfaced asked her, What is shame?
00:30:35.470 --> 00:30:38.270
It was so eye-opening.
00:30:38.430 --> 00:30:58.030
And the purpose of excavate is to see what is really running our lives internally and make an informed choice to move from living reactively to living intentionally and to reclaim our personal power, no longer outsourcing our livelihood to the external world and the people in it.
00:30:58.350 --> 00:31:09.630
As we begin to see these patterns in ourselves, it is so important that we see them from a loving and thoughtful and compassionate place, like a healthy parent would.
00:31:09.790 --> 00:31:15.870
We see them with an adoration and total acceptance.
00:31:16.110 --> 00:31:18.510
We do not make ourselves wrong.
00:31:18.750 --> 00:31:20.510
We say, I see you.
00:31:20.830 --> 00:31:24.910
Being vulnerable in this world can feel like a very scary thing.
00:31:25.150 --> 00:31:34.350
And there may not have been a safe place for you to be, you in the past, but we are here now and I am with you and I am not going anywhere.
00:31:34.590 --> 00:31:40.270
We are going to figure this out because the world needs you, and that's why there's only one of you.
00:31:40.670 --> 00:31:43.070
That's how we speak to ourselves in this process.
00:31:43.230 --> 00:31:46.190
So now I'd like to invite you to do something brave.
00:31:46.510 --> 00:32:00.350
I'd like to invite you to name your pattern, the main one, the one that is most actively running in the background every single day, keeping you from being fully seen, fully heard, and experiencing the life that you know you were made for.
00:32:00.510 --> 00:32:02.910
You probably already know which one it is.
00:32:02.990 --> 00:32:10.190
And if you don't ask yourself, which of the four descriptions landed in my body with a particular kind of recognition?
00:32:10.510 --> 00:32:14.910
Or if you're like me, which one did you reject quickly?
00:32:15.150 --> 00:32:17.870
Which one were you like, nope, not me, never, never could be me.
00:32:18.030 --> 00:32:18.350
Not me.
00:32:18.430 --> 00:32:19.790
Mm-mm, not at all.
00:32:20.110 --> 00:32:21.710
Look a bit deeper into that one.
00:32:21.870 --> 00:32:28.350
The pattern that created a sensation inside you, that is the one.
00:32:28.830 --> 00:32:34.430
That is the one that is probably interfering the most with you and your daily life.
00:32:34.750 --> 00:32:40.510
And now I want to ask you a question that most people really never think to ask about their patterns.
00:32:40.670 --> 00:32:43.230
And it's not, how do I get rid of it?
00:32:43.390 --> 00:32:47.150
You know, which I think we would all love the quick and dirty answer to.
00:32:47.550 --> 00:32:54.030
But the question is if I didn't have this pattern, what would I have to feel?
00:32:54.910 --> 00:32:56.750
And sit with that for a moment.
00:32:57.070 --> 00:33:00.030
Because the answer to that question is not about the past.
00:33:00.270 --> 00:33:05.470
It is about what this pattern still believes is true about you and the present moment.
00:33:05.870 --> 00:33:09.870
And that belief is the root of what we are going to excavate.
00:33:10.590 --> 00:33:26.190
I had a client named Michelle who came to me certain that she had a strategy problem, that she needed a better marketing plan with a clearer offer and different positioning so that she could appeal to a certain client avatar.
00:33:26.430 --> 00:33:27.870
Does any of this resonate with you?
00:33:28.110 --> 00:33:34.670
In our second session, I asked her, hey, when was the last time you let someone see you fail at something?
00:33:35.710 --> 00:33:37.790
And she went quiet.
00:33:37.950 --> 00:33:40.510
Michelle's primary pattern was perfectionism.
00:33:40.750 --> 00:33:48.510
And it showed up for her like she had to get it perfectly before she could show it to anyone, right?
00:33:48.750 --> 00:33:53.950
The offer needed to be perfect, the copy needed to be perfect, the website needed to be perfect.
00:33:54.110 --> 00:33:57.550
She would redo a website five or six times, right?
00:33:57.950 --> 00:34:10.829
She had built a personal brand that was so polished that there was no entry point for anything off the cuff or authentic or real to actually make its way through for somebody else to experience.
00:34:11.070 --> 00:34:24.909
And the very polish that was supposed to attract the people that she really felt like she could help was actually creating a distance that made genuine connection impossible because people could not feel her.
00:34:25.470 --> 00:34:29.869
And we know that feeling drives the majority of human decision making.
00:34:30.030 --> 00:34:33.949
Even though we would like to think logic does, it's actually feeling.
00:34:34.269 --> 00:34:45.710
And when she took a moment to speak to the fear out loud and say, I am terrified of being seen as human because then people might not think that I'm capable of helping them.
00:34:46.510 --> 00:34:52.590
Something in her internal world and her body changed immediately.
00:34:53.150 --> 00:35:00.110
It was like the top of a pressure cooker had been unscrewed and she just got to soften.
00:35:00.269 --> 00:35:03.869
It was like a release that overcame her whole entire body.
00:35:03.949 --> 00:35:09.869
And there was a lightness that took its place because she was finally able to embrace her humanity.
00:35:10.109 --> 00:35:28.829
And the tricky part about this is that she was presenting herself as this perfect person and perfect uh professional so that other people would think that she was respectable and she was accomplished and the attentions were good, but she forgot that she was talking to other humans.
00:35:29.629 --> 00:35:33.069
And other humans are going through the same things that we are.
00:35:33.789 --> 00:35:35.069
They feel too.
00:35:35.309 --> 00:35:38.269
They are going through life's happenings, right?
00:35:38.429 --> 00:35:46.029
Nobody is exempt from the relationship stuff and the money stuff and the kids stuff and the career stuff.
00:35:46.189 --> 00:35:47.389
We're all in it.
00:35:47.629 --> 00:35:56.269
So when she was finally able to embrace her humanity, she could see the pattern and actually make a choice about it.
00:35:56.429 --> 00:36:05.789
And because it had finally been seen and her fear had a safe space to exist, she was able to work with it and she was able to be honest with it.
00:36:06.029 --> 00:36:10.349
In her moments of time where she was alone, she could be honest and say, I see you, fear.
00:36:10.509 --> 00:36:13.629
I see you, and I'm with you, and I'm not going anywhere.
00:36:13.789 --> 00:36:17.949
And a pattern that is seen is one that we can begin to change.
00:36:18.189 --> 00:36:24.189
A feeling with a safe space to exist is a feeling that ultimately loses its grip on us.
00:36:24.429 --> 00:36:27.229
So here's your work for today.
00:36:27.469 --> 00:36:32.909
Name your primary pattern, write it down, not as a story about where it came from.
00:36:32.989 --> 00:36:40.109
So don't say, hey, my primary pattern is perfectionism because I like things to be beautiful and I want things to be as good as possible and all of that.
00:36:40.189 --> 00:36:41.309
No, no, no, no, no.
00:36:41.549 --> 00:36:44.189
Just name the pattern itself and name it plainly.
00:36:44.429 --> 00:36:48.909
My primary pattern is perfectionism, or my primary pattern is people pleasing.
00:36:48.989 --> 00:36:50.269
And then write this.
00:36:50.669 --> 00:36:56.269
This pattern was protecting me from, and then finish that sentence with whatever is true for you.
00:36:56.429 --> 00:37:07.949
And then your second sentence is if I didn't have this pattern, I would have to feel finish that sentence with whatever comes up for you.
00:37:08.349 --> 00:37:10.509
And that is the beginning of the excavation.
00:37:10.669 --> 00:37:19.389
We have four more episodes in this arc, and we are going to go deep because the excavation is really about clearing what's in the way.
00:37:19.629 --> 00:37:22.749
It's about understanding ourselves at an intimate level.
00:37:22.909 --> 00:37:31.309
And it would fall into what I would call the category of shadow work, but I don't regard shadow work as something that's terrifying or scary.
00:37:31.389 --> 00:37:36.589
I regard shadow work and excavation as something that is the ultimate journey of liberation.
00:37:36.749 --> 00:37:37.949
I mean the ultimate.
00:37:38.109 --> 00:37:48.749
When you can be so honest with yourself and so frank and clear about who you are and who you are not, and be in such radical acceptance of that.
00:37:49.069 --> 00:37:54.189
Wow, is that the real key to freedom, in my opinion?
00:37:54.349 --> 00:37:55.789
But we start here.
00:37:56.109 --> 00:38:02.429
We name the pattern, we name why it has existed, we name what we have been unwilling to feel.
00:38:02.589 --> 00:38:10.749
And once we can finally see it and have that honest conversation with ourselves, we begin to shift in real time.
00:38:10.909 --> 00:38:16.669
And here's the fun part about this: your brain loves familiarity and it also loves efficiency.
00:38:16.989 --> 00:38:32.829
So once your brain can see that suppression and suppressing your emotions and suppressing the truth of who you are actually takes up more bandwidth than being honest and being with your emotions, that's when your brain goes to work and goes, oh no, no, no, no, no.
00:38:32.909 --> 00:38:35.229
This is extremely inefficient because it is.
00:38:35.389 --> 00:38:38.989
And the changes start to happen faster than you can even imagine.
00:38:39.229 --> 00:38:44.189
So next week we go into the survival strategy that you've been calling ambition.
00:38:44.429 --> 00:38:49.389
And we are going to go directly into overachievement as avoidance because this is one of my faves.
00:38:49.629 --> 00:38:55.149
I actually love them all, but overachievement as avoidance was like a fun one.
00:38:55.309 --> 00:38:58.589
And it's a hard one to quit because achieving feels good.
00:38:58.669 --> 00:38:59.469
You and I both know this.
00:38:59.629 --> 00:39:00.749
Achieving feels good.
00:39:00.989 --> 00:39:11.309
So we're gonna go into overachievement as avoidance and why the thing you thought would finally make you happy might be the very thing that is keeping you from experiencing fulfillment.
00:39:11.549 --> 00:39:13.069
Isn't that wild?
00:39:13.789 --> 00:39:14.429
Wow.
00:39:14.749 --> 00:39:16.509
I am Katie Lynn Rojano.
00:39:16.909 --> 00:39:17.949
This is Beyond.
00:39:18.349 --> 00:39:22.989
This is the arc that is uncomfortable and liberating and all the things.
00:39:23.149 --> 00:39:29.549
If this resonated with you, be generous and share this episode with a woman you would like to see win alongside you.
00:39:29.789 --> 00:39:38.349
And if we haven't connected yet, send me a DM on Instagram at missk.beyond or send me an email to Katie at KatieLynnRahano.com.
00:39:38.749 --> 00:39:40.989
I am here with you on this journey.
00:39:41.069 --> 00:39:46.589
This is the most important work you can do, and I want to make sure that we're connected every step of the way.
00:39:46.749 --> 00:39:53.549
So take this week to acknowledge your patterns and move beyond the mind, beyond the story, and beyond the limits.
00:39:53.709 --> 00:39:54.749
I'll see you next week.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:00.800
Hi, my friend.
00:00:01.040 --> 00:00:02.879
Welcome to Arc Two.
00:00:03.040 --> 00:00:06.160
This is season two, episode six of Beyond.
00:00:06.320 --> 00:00:14.400
I am Katie Lynn, identity expert and coach, and here to be a stand for the woman you are becoming beyond your wildest dreams.
00:00:14.800 --> 00:00:31.120
Now, if Arc 1, which was episodes one through five, was about naming the woman you are becoming, what we are covering today in Arc 2 is about meeting everything inside you that has been keeping you from being your dream woman right now.
00:00:31.679 --> 00:00:38.079
In this moment, I want to start with something I need you to know before we go any further into Arc 2.
00:00:38.320 --> 00:00:43.359
What we are about to excavate is not your enemy, and it is not a flaw.
00:00:43.600 --> 00:00:49.439
It is not evidence that something is broken or fundamentally wrong with you.
00:00:49.920 --> 00:01:02.159
It is a set of patterns that were built by an intelligent, resourceful person in response to real life experiences, and they worked, they protected you.
00:01:02.479 --> 00:01:16.560
And we've got to be honest and say that they have been running your life quietly, beneath your awareness, and oftentimes in the opposite direction of your declaration and who you desire to become ever since.
00:01:17.040 --> 00:01:20.239
I call this the adapted identity.
00:01:20.480 --> 00:01:23.840
It's the identity a woman develops to survive.
00:01:24.079 --> 00:01:26.640
But here at Beyond, we thrive.
00:01:26.799 --> 00:01:35.200
And that is where we own our power and design the identity that takes us beyond the mind, beyond the story, and beyond the limits.
00:01:35.439 --> 00:01:38.000
So let's dive into the excavation.
00:01:38.560 --> 00:01:46.879
To set the scene, let's rewind for a moment to the year I finally saw the pattern that had been running my life for two decades.
00:01:47.359 --> 00:01:55.200
And I say finally saw because I had been so embodied in this pattern that it felt as natural to me as breathing air.
00:01:55.359 --> 00:01:57.040
Have you ever experienced this?
00:01:57.280 --> 00:02:11.360
A pattern that is so familiar and yet so out of alignment that it's basically invisible, even though it really is actually in every decision you make, in every response that you create, in every interaction, it's everywhere.
00:02:11.599 --> 00:02:13.919
See, I knew about this pattern.
00:02:14.080 --> 00:02:24.319
And when I say I knew, I mean I was a licensed therapist, I had done my own work, I hired coaches, I was into podcasts, I had read every relevant book.
00:02:24.479 --> 00:02:36.319
And yet when it came to seeing myself truthfully and honestly, I still could not see the pattern in my life clearly enough to dismantle it.
00:02:36.479 --> 00:02:41.599
And the pattern was this I was chronically, compulsively productive.
00:02:41.840 --> 00:02:48.800
Now, don't get me wrong, I loved the work and I still genuinely love this work.
00:02:49.120 --> 00:02:56.159
But I noticed that when I stopped moving, I became literally physically uncomfortable.
00:02:56.479 --> 00:03:02.080
It felt so confronting for me to try to relax, to take a break and do nothing.
00:03:02.240 --> 00:03:06.960
And when I got really still, I could feel the feeling that I had been trying to outrun.
00:03:07.039 --> 00:03:08.240
And it was fear.
00:03:08.560 --> 00:03:12.960
Now, let's paint a picture here of what my life looked like during this time.
00:03:13.120 --> 00:03:27.599
So I went straight from high school into an athletic scholarship at a four-year university, straight from there into a master's program, straight from the master's program into starting my career at a job that was in alignment with my career, took a position.
00:03:27.759 --> 00:03:35.599
And then two weeks into that, finding out I was pregnant, 10 weeks after that, getting married, a year after that, purchasing a home.
00:03:35.759 --> 00:03:38.240
I mean, I was going, going, going, going.
00:03:38.479 --> 00:03:45.280
Two years after purchasing a home, getting my divorce finalized, and getting licensed as a psychotherapist.
00:03:45.520 --> 00:03:52.960
I mean, back to back to back to back, the evidence was so clear in front of me that I did not know how to press pause.
00:03:53.120 --> 00:03:58.560
I did not know how to rest and step back from my life and actually review it.
00:03:58.800 --> 00:04:08.960
So this fear was the specific fear that if I was not producing something, then it meant that I had no inherent value.
00:04:09.199 --> 00:04:20.959
The fear that I was only worthy if I was producing something or accomplishing something for other people or the world, or let's be honest, my ego.
00:04:21.519 --> 00:04:39.199
And I had dressed this pattern up in righteous clothing for so long, I really never thought to stop and ask if it was true for me, authentically true for me, or if it was a survival strategy that I was hiding my authenticity behind.
00:04:39.600 --> 00:04:48.720
What I had called ambition and drive was actually disassociation and self-abandonment.
00:04:49.360 --> 00:04:57.759
Achievement had become my most socially acceptable form of not having to feel what was happening inside of me.
00:04:58.079 --> 00:05:05.040
And not only is achievement socially acceptable, it's actually celebrated, right?
00:05:05.360 --> 00:05:12.480
We have graduation parties, we have housewarming parties, we have baby showers, right?
00:05:12.639 --> 00:05:22.959
There are so many ways in which it's not just about being socially accepted, it's about celebrating and being rewarded, right, socially for accomplishing things.
00:05:23.279 --> 00:05:26.560
And here's the deal: I could problem solve.
00:05:27.040 --> 00:05:31.600
And I knew how to figure things out really well.
00:05:32.240 --> 00:05:41.439
But if you asked me to feel my feelings during this time of my life, I would quickly find another five to 10 projects to sign up for.
00:05:41.680 --> 00:05:49.040
Finally, seeing this pattern was like experiencing my brain glitch and a gut punch at the same time.
00:05:49.839 --> 00:05:58.160
Learning about our patterns and adapted identity strategies can feel so confronting and uncomfortable.
00:05:58.399 --> 00:06:06.240
And the thing about identity work is once you see a pattern or a survival strategy, you really can't unsee it.
00:06:06.480 --> 00:06:10.240
And this is when the real work began for me.
00:06:10.480 --> 00:06:19.680
Not because the pattern just disappeared once I could finally see it, but because I had done the redesign and already knew where I was going.
00:06:20.000 --> 00:06:33.120
So I could quickly identify the aspects of myself, my relationships, and my environment that were no longer supportive of where I wanted to go and who I was becoming in this iteration of my life.
00:06:33.279 --> 00:06:36.399
And this is the architecture of excavate.
00:06:36.480 --> 00:06:39.120
So excavate represents the E in the red method.
00:06:39.279 --> 00:06:42.160
We have redesign, we have excavate, and we have disrupt.
00:06:42.319 --> 00:06:54.319
You can try to excavate without a target, and many people do, but excavating without a target can really quadruple the length of time it will take to get to where you want to go from where you are now.
00:06:54.560 --> 00:06:59.199
And I tried to excavate without a target, and it was dizzying.
00:06:59.600 --> 00:07:17.360
It really felt disorienting and honestly frustrating because it felt a lot like going in circles, knowing that I was doing the internal work, but not really seeing the fruits of that work showing up in my mind and my spirit and my environment, especially.
00:07:17.519 --> 00:07:32.720
So, what I want you to know is before you excavate, if you haven't done the declaration, which again is in episodes one through five of this season of Beyond, go do the declaration because the declaration is your target.
00:07:32.879 --> 00:07:38.560
And the declaration gives you a specific place to work towards.
00:07:38.639 --> 00:07:41.839
It's like having a map to your destination.
00:07:41.920 --> 00:07:49.600
And it collapses the amount of time, which is basically your most precious resource because it's non-renewable, right?
00:07:49.759 --> 00:08:02.240
And it collapses the time that it's going to take you to not just become the woman you desire to be, but also to create the life and the lifestyle that you really vision for yourself.
00:08:02.639 --> 00:08:12.959
So before we go any further, let's talk about what patterns actually are and why they can be so extraordinarily difficult to identify within ourselves.
00:08:13.120 --> 00:08:15.519
A pattern is not a habit.
00:08:15.680 --> 00:08:17.279
Let's clarify that.
00:08:17.519 --> 00:08:23.199
Habits are behaviors that you repeat consciously or subconsciously.
00:08:23.519 --> 00:08:26.399
Patterns are deeper than that.
00:08:26.720 --> 00:08:33.600
They are the internal reasoning driving the behavior that protects the identity.
00:08:33.840 --> 00:08:35.679
I'm gonna say that one more time.
00:08:36.000 --> 00:08:42.960
Patterns are the internal reasoning driving the behavior that protects the identity.
00:08:43.360 --> 00:08:53.039
They are the lens through which you make meaning and engage with the world and preserve the self that has been created up to this point.
00:08:53.759 --> 00:09:02.320
They are the operating system running beneath every decision, every relationship, every response, and every feeling.
00:09:02.639 --> 00:09:11.360
The patterns are designed to ensure that the identity or sense of self is not threatened, challenged, or changed.
00:09:11.840 --> 00:09:14.480
And here is why the patterns are invisible.
00:09:14.720 --> 00:09:21.840
The patterns are invisible because they need to feel like reality for us so that we never question them.
00:09:22.080 --> 00:09:28.639
Remember, your brain is not designed to keep you happy or to even facilitate happiness.
00:09:28.879 --> 00:09:35.840
Your brain is designed to sustain and maintain familiarity no matter what.
00:09:36.000 --> 00:09:48.080
And the thing that the brain focuses on the most to really make sure that that happens is to solidify the identity and to make you believe that you can't change it.
00:09:48.399 --> 00:09:51.919
And that is simply not true.
00:09:52.559 --> 00:10:02.080
So the patterns that protect the identity do not feel like a perspective or a choice or a story.
00:10:02.320 --> 00:10:03.759
They feel like the truth.
00:10:04.000 --> 00:10:13.600
And I really resonate with this because I've been there where something will be unfolding, and a coach would question me or a mentor would question me.
00:10:13.759 --> 00:10:20.080
And it would almost be like I felt defensive because my brain would go, but that actually did happen.
00:10:20.159 --> 00:10:21.759
And that's actually what happened, right?
00:10:21.919 --> 00:10:37.840
And so I would go on defense because I really regarded my circumstances and situations as the final boss of truth when the real truth was that what happened was circumstantial.
00:10:38.080 --> 00:10:50.000
What I was living by was the meaning that I attributed and made of those circumstances and what I made it mean about me, and what I made it mean about the other people involved, and what I made it mean about my future and my past.
00:10:50.320 --> 00:11:00.879
So the woman who believes that her value is conditional based on her performance does not experience that as a conscious belief.
00:11:01.120 --> 00:11:04.399
She experiences it as a fact of life.
00:11:04.639 --> 00:11:10.399
And this is what I was running in my 20s in real time.
00:11:10.559 --> 00:11:20.000
I thought, gosh, if I don't keep accomplishing things, and if I don't keep doing things, then I will not be a good human.
00:11:20.240 --> 00:11:24.879
And that is simply not the fullness of what it means to be a good human.
00:11:25.039 --> 00:11:38.159
That is a skewed version of beliefs and truths, and they all sustained an identity that was rooted in unworthiness and insecurity and fear.
00:11:38.559 --> 00:11:42.159
So the proving was the compensation for that.
00:11:42.480 --> 00:11:52.720
I wasn't pursuing these things because I felt enlivened by them or joyous about them or like it was a calling from my higher power.
00:11:52.960 --> 00:12:58.720
I was pursuing them from a place of fear that if I stopped, I would no longer be celebrated, I would no longer be respected, I would no longer be a contributing important person and part of society, which is a very painful truth to admit to oneself.
00:12:58.879 --> 00:13:01.759
That was a very dark time and realization.
00:13:01.919 --> 00:13:03.439
And that is a pattern.
00:13:03.919 --> 00:13:05.679
That is how a pattern shows up.
00:13:05.840 --> 00:13:16.159
It is not a universal truth, but living inside the pattern makes it seem as if this pattern represents the totality of what is available for us in our reality.
00:13:16.480 --> 00:13:23.360
And as a side note, this is one aspect of how cults are sustained, but that's another topic for another day, right?
00:13:23.600 --> 00:13:32.080
The the idea that this is the only thing that exists and this is the way that it's done and is not done anywhere else in any other way, right?
00:13:32.240 --> 00:13:44.080
That is how we create really sometimes questionable circumstances for ourselves and others when we become so rigid and committed to only one way, right?
00:13:44.399 --> 00:13:52.080
When it comes to the brilliant, high-achieving women who work with Beyond, there are four patterns that I see come up the most.
00:13:52.240 --> 00:13:58.559
And I will be the first to tell you that I have lived in every single one of these at some point or another.
00:13:58.799 --> 00:14:01.120
And I'm gonna share these four patterns with you.
00:14:01.279 --> 00:14:07.919
But before I do, I'm going to ask you to listen for the ones that might be running your life.
00:14:08.399 --> 00:14:16.319
Because you probably don't live with all four patterns, but chances are good that you are familiar with at least one.
00:14:16.559 --> 00:14:32.720
And recognizing that one pattern could be the difference between you staying right where you are right now or making massive progress in your own life and bringing the dreams and the goals and everything that you write down, maybe at the beginning of the year or the beginning of every quarter, to life much faster than you planned to.
00:14:32.879 --> 00:14:33.439
Ready?
00:14:33.679 --> 00:14:34.639
Here we go.
00:14:34.960 --> 00:14:37.120
Pattern number one is perfectionism.
00:14:37.360 --> 00:14:42.480
And perfectionism lives by the code that nothing is ever good enough.
00:14:42.639 --> 00:14:49.919
And this can easily feel like ambition and drive, and like, I just have big goals and I just want to get things done.
00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:58.960
And the woman who lives with perfectionism was the woman who learned early on that love and safety were conditional and based on performance.
00:14:59.199 --> 00:15:01.759
Can you hear this showing up in the story I shared with you earlier?
00:15:02.000 --> 00:15:07.360
Perfectionism is not vanity, and it's not even striving for excellence.
00:15:07.679 --> 00:15:14.080
Perfectionism is a survival strategy to keep the peace that is dressed up as ambitious.
00:15:14.240 --> 00:15:19.199
It seems righteous, it seems admirable, it seems inspiring.
00:15:19.439 --> 00:15:32.879
But the relentless internal voice that continuously critiques or overthinks or overgives and tries to predict the emotional needs of others is actually not trying to make you better.
00:15:33.039 --> 00:15:42.639
It is trying to keep you safe by never letting you be seen as less than perfect so that you won't risk losing love or safety.
00:15:43.039 --> 00:15:53.360
And how this shows up in your life very quietly is that you take more time than you need to, maybe on something.
00:15:53.679 --> 00:15:59.039
You revise more times than maybe you need to, or more than what's required.
00:15:59.279 --> 00:16:09.360
You might delay the launch, you might postpone important decisions, or you might wait to step into an opportunity until the conditions are perfect or until you are ready.
00:16:09.840 --> 00:16:11.759
And here's where it gets really wild.
00:16:11.919 --> 00:16:13.360
What is perfect?
00:16:13.679 --> 00:16:14.240
Really?
00:16:14.559 --> 00:16:18.319
Perfect is an assessment only made in hindsight.
00:16:18.480 --> 00:16:21.840
And it's a subjective assessment at that.
00:16:22.080 --> 00:16:30.639
So when we strive for perfection, we must ask ourselves: who is making the assessment of what is perfect and what isn't?
00:16:30.960 --> 00:16:33.600
And what are the standards for perfect?
00:16:33.840 --> 00:16:43.759
I guarantee you, once you start answering these questions, you will see real quick that this pattern is not just detrimental, it is flat out nonsensical.
00:16:44.480 --> 00:16:49.039
Because you and I both know that conditions are never perfect.
00:16:49.279 --> 00:16:57.120
The pattern of perfectionism ensures that they never will be, because perfect was never really about the output.
00:16:57.439 --> 00:17:04.080
It was about believing that safety and love could only come from outside yourself and that it had to be earned.
00:17:04.400 --> 00:17:12.640
And it might have been true in the past, but going forward, it does not have to be true any longer unless you would like it to be.
00:17:13.039 --> 00:17:17.680
Now, pattern number two is overachievement as avoidance.
00:17:17.840 --> 00:17:22.480
And overachievement as avoidance says, I just have a lot of drive.
00:17:22.640 --> 00:17:24.319
I just have to keep doing.
00:17:24.640 --> 00:17:30.000
I just love to create and produce and accomplish.
00:17:30.480 --> 00:17:52.640
And what's actually happening is that when she stops moving and she takes a pause and she is forced to feel and it's just her and her inner world, she feels some things that she doesn't really know what to do with because she feels so confident and capable when she's doing that.
00:17:52.880 --> 00:17:58.240
But you and I both know that there's nothing really to do about feelings.
00:17:58.400 --> 00:18:10.400
So when she has to sit and be with herself, it brings her to a place where she can't pride herself on finding a solution because there is no problem to solve.
00:18:10.560 --> 00:18:12.000
It is just discomfort.
00:18:12.160 --> 00:18:14.160
It is just the unfamiliar.
00:18:14.720 --> 00:18:25.280
It's only feelings and sensations that were maybe rejected or or punished if she felt them or expressed them when she was younger as a child.
00:18:26.080 --> 00:18:36.320
See, the overachiever who leverages overachievement as avoidance, she adapted by making sure that she did everything except feel.
00:18:37.200 --> 00:18:39.120
So she sticks to doing.
00:18:39.920 --> 00:18:50.240
Achievement became her most socially acceptable form of getting love, abandoning herself, and avoiding what was happening inside of her.
00:18:51.280 --> 00:18:53.280
The busyness became protection.
00:18:53.840 --> 00:19:07.600
Protection against neglect, against grief, against loneliness, against the terrifying question of who could love her when she has nothing to do for them and no one to be for them.
00:19:08.320 --> 00:19:14.160
The overachieving woman says yes to the next project before she has even processed the completion of the last project.
00:19:14.560 --> 00:19:26.560
Her calendar has no white space, not because she doesn't think rest is important, but because rest forces her to feel and no dopamine lives in meditation, my friends.
00:19:26.720 --> 00:19:31.200
I meditate every day and there is no dopamine there.
00:19:32.160 --> 00:19:39.440
The exhaustion and the resentment that the overachiever carries is not from too much work.
00:19:39.680 --> 00:19:47.600
It is because suppressing emotions requires more energy than actually facing them does.
00:19:47.840 --> 00:20:07.680
But your brain could never let you figure that out yourself because if you did, your world would flip upside down and you'd have no choice but to get honest with yourself and make some changes about how you are using your mental resources, how you are using your physical resources, and how you are using your spiritual resources.
00:20:08.080 --> 00:20:13.680
And you might have to feel some things which could be very unfamiliar for you.
00:20:14.960 --> 00:20:17.520
Pattern three is people pleasing.
00:20:17.680 --> 00:20:26.240
And people pleasing shows up with a smile and says, I am just a caring person and I like helping other people.
00:20:26.880 --> 00:20:35.840
But behind the smile, she learned that she's actually not supposed to have needs and she's only to tend to the needs of others.
00:20:36.160 --> 00:20:42.480
So she says yes from fear or depletion and calls it generosity.
00:20:43.120 --> 00:20:45.680
She lives in martyrdom.
00:20:46.080 --> 00:20:49.759
And the boundary she doesn't set is not an act of love.
00:20:49.920 --> 00:20:51.520
It is an act of protection.
00:20:51.920 --> 00:21:00.960
Because if she stops caring for everyone else, will she still be desired and will she still be wanted?
00:21:01.120 --> 00:21:03.040
And it shows up like this.
00:21:03.280 --> 00:21:10.720
You know what you want to say, and you soften it, or you swallow it and you don't say it at all.
00:21:10.960 --> 00:21:20.800
You over-explain your decisions, you monitor other people's emotional states in the room and calibrate your behavior according to their emotions.
00:21:21.200 --> 00:22:29.150
You have become so skilled at this that you often cannot distinguish between what you actually want and what you think will be the most acceptable to people around you.
00:22:29.230 --> 00:22:38.830
And I think the most painful thing about perfectionism, at least in my experience, has been perfectionism thrives on the lack of a sense of self.
00:22:38.990 --> 00:22:46.830
So when we decide that we're no longer going to operate according to perfectionism, what we really say is, I am committed to actually developing a sense of self.
00:22:46.990 --> 00:22:56.990
And it takes us on this journey of discovering what we really like and what we really don't like, and how we do want to move and how we no longer want to move.
00:22:57.150 --> 00:23:01.630
And it is literally like building ourselves from the ground up.
00:23:01.790 --> 00:23:08.350
And it's beautiful, but it also can feel very disruptive and disorienting.
00:23:09.390 --> 00:23:15.150
And pattern four is drumroll, please, hyperindependence.
00:23:15.310 --> 00:23:18.430
Oh, this was probably the first one that showed up in my life early on.
00:23:18.590 --> 00:23:23.310
And the story that hyperindependence tells is I've always figured things out on my own.
00:23:23.470 --> 00:23:24.990
I don't really need help.
00:23:25.150 --> 00:23:32.990
In fact, my hyperindependence was so strong that I actually felt like help was a waste of time.
00:23:33.230 --> 00:23:35.870
I actually thought that help made things worse.
00:23:36.190 --> 00:23:44.350
And what was actually happening is the woman who operates with hyperindependence was let down big time.
00:23:44.990 --> 00:23:48.750
And probably multiple times over when she really needed someone.
00:23:48.990 --> 00:23:52.270
She concluded that reliance is risk.
00:23:52.510 --> 00:23:54.990
Reliance on someone else puts her at risk.
00:23:55.150 --> 00:23:56.270
She cannot trust.
00:23:56.430 --> 00:23:58.670
She cannot trust that that person is going to show up.
00:23:58.830 --> 00:24:02.270
She cannot trust that that person is going to follow through.
00:24:02.510 --> 00:24:07.630
She cannot trust that that person is going to maintain their commitments and keep their promises.
00:24:07.790 --> 00:24:15.470
She just has had trust in the world and other people so fractured that she decides that it is not just not helpful.
00:24:15.550 --> 00:24:17.870
It actually threatens her whole existence.
00:24:18.110 --> 00:24:23.550
So she built walls that were so effective that she forgot they were walls.
00:24:23.710 --> 00:24:27.630
And asking for help doesn't actually feel like wisdom.
00:24:27.790 --> 00:24:30.190
It feels like exposure and vulnerability.
00:24:30.430 --> 00:24:46.350
It feels like risking letting a monster into the castle, you know, and it and it shows up like taking on more than you're able to actually sustain, not delegating, because delegation requires trust and trust requires vulnerability.
00:24:46.430 --> 00:24:54.910
And vulnerability requires you to risk being disappointed or being forgotten or being abandoned.
00:24:55.230 --> 00:25:08.910
So you build systems of self-sufficiency that look a lot like capability, but are actually a fortress that is impeccable and it's also isolated.
00:25:09.390 --> 00:25:15.630
So now that you have heard the four common patterns, the true question emerges.
00:25:15.870 --> 00:25:20.830
And that is what identity are these patterns really protecting?
00:25:21.230 --> 00:25:27.630
And here's what I'll tell you: there is a through line, which is why I have experienced every single one of these patterns.
00:25:27.790 --> 00:25:43.710
And it's not uncommon for a woman who operates in hyperindependence to realize that she does so and start making changes and then shift ever so subtly into people pleasing or to shift from people pleasing into perfectionism, right?
00:25:43.950 --> 00:25:50.270
It's not uncommon to decide that we're going to change one and then have it sort of shape shift into another.
00:25:50.350 --> 00:25:53.550
And the reason why that happens is because there is a through line.
00:25:53.870 --> 00:26:08.350
And the woman who experiences the patterns of perfectionism, overachieving, or people pleasing has designed her life around a truth that it is really not safe for her to exist authentically and fully as a human.
00:26:08.590 --> 00:26:13.710
And the greatest threat to her identity is emotional connection and vulnerability.
00:26:13.950 --> 00:26:19.550
Being honest was something that really didn't serve her in her younger years.
00:26:19.790 --> 00:26:32.830
She may have felt things or asked questions and had ideas that maybe the adults raising her were not properly equipped to be fully present to in a safe way, or she was bullied for it as a child in school.
00:26:32.990 --> 00:26:35.950
And so she did the really intelligent thing.
00:26:36.190 --> 00:26:37.310
She adapted.
00:26:37.550 --> 00:26:42.430
She quickly learned to bypass her own feelings and emotions altogether.
00:26:42.670 --> 00:26:45.470
And for a time it worked.
00:26:51.310 --> 00:26:54.750
And is it what I want my life story to be about?
00:26:55.070 --> 00:26:58.110
Because we can only experience what we already have.
00:26:58.270 --> 00:27:08.190
So if I am unable to be fully human with myself, as myself, how could I experience a full and fulfilling life?
00:27:08.590 --> 00:27:20.670
If visibility and connection feels dangerous, then you might not be truly living, you might just be managing yourself every moment of every day and calling it a life.
00:27:20.990 --> 00:27:34.590
If you see yourself in these patterns, you may have learned to edit yourself for safety and offer the world a curated and watered-down version of you, or a quote-unquote, acceptable version of you.
00:27:34.830 --> 00:27:55.630
And living life like this can create anxiety, depression, certain autoimmune conditions, loneliness, and exhaustion, because as we said earlier, it takes a lot more energy to suppress emotions than it does to learn how to be with the emotions, to feel them and express them.
00:27:55.950 --> 00:28:01.790
And it is a survival strategy that contradicts our human nature fundamentally.
00:28:03.150 --> 00:28:23.390
And here's what I'll tell you in my own experience of having these four patterns, when I lived in these patterns, I also lived with seasons of depression, seasons of anxiety over a decade of an eating disorder, relationship issues, health issues.
00:28:23.710 --> 00:28:29.870
It was like I couldn't tell which way was up and which way was down and what was me and what wasn't me.
00:28:30.030 --> 00:28:31.870
This is something that is so important.
00:28:31.950 --> 00:28:40.750
And I feel so convicted to share this with you because this is not about no longer achieving your goals.
00:28:40.910 --> 00:28:47.310
This is not about no longer having drive or vision or doing the things that have been on your heart.
00:28:47.550 --> 00:28:50.510
This is about doing them from a different place.
00:28:50.910 --> 00:28:59.230
This is about no longer operating from the fear and learning to operate from the truth and the inspiration of who you are.
00:28:59.310 --> 00:29:05.470
And it is also very much about learning how to be with all of the emotions that you have.
00:29:06.030 --> 00:29:30.750
Because as a side note, I really truly believe that most of the issues that women deal with that they feel blindsided by, whether it be partnerships or friendships or relationships or, you know, business deals that fall out of good places, those things would have been caught earlier if she would have allowed herself to feel truly and deeply.
00:29:31.070 --> 00:29:36.350
Because when we suppress our emotions, we suppress our intuition as well.
00:29:36.830 --> 00:29:39.630
And our intuition is one of our superpowers.
00:29:40.270 --> 00:29:42.510
Now, take a breath.
00:29:42.830 --> 00:29:46.190
These patterns are not something to feel shame about.
00:29:46.430 --> 00:29:53.230
In fact, these patterns might be creating internal shame because shame is the belief that you are inherently wrong or bad.
00:29:53.470 --> 00:29:55.630
And that could not be further from the truth.
00:29:55.790 --> 00:29:59.310
We identify the pattern because shame keeps them invisible to you.
00:29:59.470 --> 00:30:03.310
And a pattern we cannot see is a pattern we cannot change.
00:30:03.630 --> 00:30:10.350
You also hear me share explicitly about my own journey with you because there is no shame here.
00:30:10.590 --> 00:30:24.110
Back when these were active and alive in my life and in my identity, there was tons of shame, tons of shame, to the point where shame was actually one of the invisible patterns that I did not know was a thing.
00:30:24.270 --> 00:30:30.190
I remember being on a call with a coach and she said, It sounds like you have a lot of shame in your system.
00:30:30.430 --> 00:30:34.830
And I straightfaced asked her, What is shame?
00:30:35.470 --> 00:30:38.270
It was so eye-opening.
00:30:38.430 --> 00:30:58.030
And the purpose of excavate is to see what is really running our lives internally and make an informed choice to move from living reactively to living intentionally and to reclaim our personal power, no longer outsourcing our livelihood to the external world and the people in it.
00:30:58.350 --> 00:31:09.630
As we begin to see these patterns in ourselves, it is so important that we see them from a loving and thoughtful and compassionate place, like a healthy parent would.
00:31:09.790 --> 00:31:15.870
We see them with an adoration and total acceptance.
00:31:16.110 --> 00:31:18.510
We do not make ourselves wrong.
00:31:18.750 --> 00:31:20.510
We say, I see you.
00:31:20.830 --> 00:31:24.910
Being vulnerable in this world can feel like a very scary thing.
00:31:25.150 --> 00:31:34.350
And there may not have been a safe place for you to be, you in the past, but we are here now and I am with you and I am not going anywhere.
00:31:34.590 --> 00:31:40.270
We are going to figure this out because the world needs you, and that's why there's only one of you.
00:31:40.670 --> 00:31:43.070
That's how we speak to ourselves in this process.
00:31:43.230 --> 00:31:46.190
So now I'd like to invite you to do something brave.
00:31:46.510 --> 00:32:00.350
I'd like to invite you to name your pattern, the main one, the one that is most actively running in the background every single day, keeping you from being fully seen, fully heard, and experiencing the life that you know you were made for.
00:32:00.510 --> 00:32:02.910
You probably already know which one it is.
00:32:02.990 --> 00:32:10.190
And if you don't ask yourself, which of the four descriptions landed in my body with a particular kind of recognition?
00:32:10.510 --> 00:32:14.910
Or if you're like me, which one did you reject quickly?
00:32:15.150 --> 00:32:17.870
Which one were you like, nope, not me, never, never could be me.
00:32:18.030 --> 00:32:18.350
Not me.
00:32:18.430 --> 00:32:19.790
Mm-mm, not at all.
00:32:20.110 --> 00:32:21.710
Look a bit deeper into that one.
00:32:21.870 --> 00:32:28.350
The pattern that created a sensation inside you, that is the one.
00:32:28.830 --> 00:32:34.430
That is the one that is probably interfering the most with you and your daily life.
00:32:34.750 --> 00:32:40.510
And now I want to ask you a question that most people really never think to ask about their patterns.
00:32:40.670 --> 00:32:43.230
And it's not, how do I get rid of it?
00:32:43.390 --> 00:32:47.150
You know, which I think we would all love the quick and dirty answer to.
00:32:47.550 --> 00:32:54.030
But the question is if I didn't have this pattern, what would I have to feel?
00:32:54.910 --> 00:32:56.750
And sit with that for a moment.
00:32:57.070 --> 00:33:00.030
Because the answer to that question is not about the past.
00:33:00.270 --> 00:33:05.470
It is about what this pattern still believes is true about you and the present moment.
00:33:05.870 --> 00:33:09.870
And that belief is the root of what we are going to excavate.
00:33:10.590 --> 00:33:26.190
I had a client named Michelle who came to me certain that she had a strategy problem, that she needed a better marketing plan with a clearer offer and different positioning so that she could appeal to a certain client avatar.
00:33:26.430 --> 00:33:27.870
Does any of this resonate with you?
00:33:28.110 --> 00:33:34.670
In our second session, I asked her, hey, when was the last time you let someone see you fail at something?
00:33:35.710 --> 00:33:37.790
And she went quiet.
00:33:37.950 --> 00:33:40.510
Michelle's primary pattern was perfectionism.
00:33:40.750 --> 00:33:48.510
And it showed up for her like she had to get it perfectly before she could show it to anyone, right?
00:33:48.750 --> 00:33:53.950
The offer needed to be perfect, the copy needed to be perfect, the website needed to be perfect.
00:33:54.110 --> 00:33:57.550
She would redo a website five or six times, right?
00:33:57.950 --> 00:34:10.829
She had built a personal brand that was so polished that there was no entry point for anything off the cuff or authentic or real to actually make its way through for somebody else to experience.
00:34:11.070 --> 00:34:24.909
And the very polish that was supposed to attract the people that she really felt like she could help was actually creating a distance that made genuine connection impossible because people could not feel her.
00:34:25.470 --> 00:34:29.869
And we know that feeling drives the majority of human decision making.
00:34:30.030 --> 00:34:33.949
Even though we would like to think logic does, it's actually feeling.
00:34:34.269 --> 00:34:45.710
And when she took a moment to speak to the fear out loud and say, I am terrified of being seen as human because then people might not think that I'm capable of helping them.
00:34:46.510 --> 00:34:52.590
Something in her internal world and her body changed immediately.
00:34:53.150 --> 00:35:00.110
It was like the top of a pressure cooker had been unscrewed and she just got to soften.
00:35:00.269 --> 00:35:03.869
It was like a release that overcame her whole entire body.
00:35:03.949 --> 00:35:09.869
And there was a lightness that took its place because she was finally able to embrace her humanity.
00:35:10.109 --> 00:35:28.829
And the tricky part about this is that she was presenting herself as this perfect person and perfect uh professional so that other people would think that she was respectable and she was accomplished and the attentions were good, but she forgot that she was talking to other humans.
00:35:29.629 --> 00:35:33.069
And other humans are going through the same things that we are.
00:35:33.789 --> 00:35:35.069
They feel too.
00:35:35.309 --> 00:35:38.269
They are going through life's happenings, right?
00:35:38.429 --> 00:35:46.029
Nobody is exempt from the relationship stuff and the money stuff and the kids stuff and the career stuff.
00:35:46.189 --> 00:35:47.389
We're all in it.
00:35:47.629 --> 00:35:56.269
So when she was finally able to embrace her humanity, she could see the pattern and actually make a choice about it.
00:35:56.429 --> 00:36:05.789
And because it had finally been seen and her fear had a safe space to exist, she was able to work with it and she was able to be honest with it.
00:36:06.029 --> 00:36:10.349
In her moments of time where she was alone, she could be honest and say, I see you, fear.
00:36:10.509 --> 00:36:13.629
I see you, and I'm with you, and I'm not going anywhere.
00:36:13.789 --> 00:36:17.949
And a pattern that is seen is one that we can begin to change.
00:36:18.189 --> 00:36:24.189
A feeling with a safe space to exist is a feeling that ultimately loses its grip on us.
00:36:24.429 --> 00:36:27.229
So here's your work for today.
00:36:27.469 --> 00:36:32.909
Name your primary pattern, write it down, not as a story about where it came from.
00:36:32.989 --> 00:36:40.109
So don't say, hey, my primary pattern is perfectionism because I like things to be beautiful and I want things to be as good as possible and all of that.
00:36:40.189 --> 00:36:41.309
No, no, no, no, no.
00:36:41.549 --> 00:36:44.189
Just name the pattern itself and name it plainly.
00:36:44.429 --> 00:36:48.909
My primary pattern is perfectionism, or my primary pattern is people pleasing.
00:36:48.989 --> 00:36:50.269
And then write this.
00:36:50.669 --> 00:36:56.269
This pattern was protecting me from, and then finish that sentence with whatever is true for you.
00:36:56.429 --> 00:37:07.949
And then your second sentence is if I didn't have this pattern, I would have to feel finish that sentence with whatever comes up for you.
00:37:08.349 --> 00:37:10.509
And that is the beginning of the excavation.
00:37:10.669 --> 00:37:19.389
We have four more episodes in this arc, and we are going to go deep because the excavation is really about clearing what's in the way.
00:37:19.629 --> 00:37:22.749
It's about understanding ourselves at an intimate level.
00:37:22.909 --> 00:37:31.309
And it would fall into what I would call the category of shadow work, but I don't regard shadow work as something that's terrifying or scary.
00:37:31.389 --> 00:37:36.589
I regard shadow work and excavation as something that is the ultimate journey of liberation.
00:37:36.749 --> 00:37:37.949
I mean the ultimate.
00:37:38.109 --> 00:37:48.749
When you can be so honest with yourself and so frank and clear about who you are and who you are not, and be in such radical acceptance of that.
00:37:49.069 --> 00:37:54.189
Wow, is that the real key to freedom, in my opinion?
00:37:54.349 --> 00:37:55.789
But we start here.
00:37:56.109 --> 00:38:02.429
We name the pattern, we name why it has existed, we name what we have been unwilling to feel.
00:38:02.589 --> 00:38:10.749
And once we can finally see it and have that honest conversation with ourselves, we begin to shift in real time.
00:38:10.909 --> 00:38:16.669
And here's the fun part about this: your brain loves familiarity and it also loves efficiency.
00:38:16.989 --> 00:38:32.829
So once your brain can see that suppression and suppressing your emotions and suppressing the truth of who you are actually takes up more bandwidth than being honest and being with your emotions, that's when your brain goes to work and goes, oh no, no, no, no, no.
00:38:32.909 --> 00:38:35.229
This is extremely inefficient because it is.
00:38:35.389 --> 00:38:38.989
And the changes start to happen faster than you can even imagine.
00:38:39.229 --> 00:38:44.189
So next week we go into the survival strategy that you've been calling ambition.
00:38:44.429 --> 00:38:49.389
And we are going to go directly into overachievement as avoidance because this is one of my faves.
00:38:49.629 --> 00:38:55.149
I actually love them all, but overachievement as avoidance was like a fun one.
00:38:55.309 --> 00:38:58.589
And it's a hard one to quit because achieving feels good.
00:38:58.669 --> 00:38:59.469
You and I both know this.
00:38:59.629 --> 00:39:00.749
Achieving feels good.
00:39:00.989 --> 00:39:11.309
So we're gonna go into overachievement as avoidance and why the thing you thought would finally make you happy might be the very thing that is keeping you from experiencing fulfillment.
00:39:11.549 --> 00:39:13.069
Isn't that wild?
00:39:13.789 --> 00:39:14.429
Wow.
00:39:14.749 --> 00:39:16.509
I am Katie Lynn Rojano.
00:39:16.909 --> 00:39:17.949
This is Beyond.
00:39:18.349 --> 00:39:22.989
This is the arc that is uncomfortable and liberating and all the things.
00:39:23.149 --> 00:39:29.549
If this resonated with you, be generous and share this episode with a woman you would like to see win alongside you.
00:39:29.789 --> 00:39:38.349
And if we haven't connected yet, send me a DM on Instagram at missk.beyond or send me an email to Katie at KatieLynnRahano.com.
00:39:38.749 --> 00:39:40.989
I am here with you on this journey.
00:39:41.069 --> 00:39:46.589
This is the most important work you can do, and I want to make sure that we're connected every step of the way.
00:39:46.749 --> 00:39:53.549
So take this week to acknowledge your patterns and move beyond the mind, beyond the story, and beyond the limits.
00:39:53.709 --> 00:39:54.749
I'll see you next week.
