Mitch Whiting: The Problem Is Never the Problem

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There's no such thing as a good day or a
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bad childhood or a bad boss. You're responsible for everything
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in your life. And the mind goes, well, what about
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like the trauma, or what about the abuse, or what
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about these hard things that someone might have experienced.
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Life isn't happening you know? To you, it's happening for you,
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And you know, I've tried to remember that as going
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through hard things of like, Okay, if this is happening
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for me, then what am I supposed to learn from this?
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How do I understand deeper this feeling or significance?
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We stop believing that the things outside of our control
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are the things creating our emotions, because if the things
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outside of our control are creating our emotions, then we're victims.
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We can't do anything about it because we can't control it.
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And so the problem is never the problem. The problem
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is always what you're believing about your experience.
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Welcome back, everybody. This is above a page. I'm here
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with a Fatherhood Movement podcast. You guys, I'm excited today
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to have Mitch Whiting. Let me just read a part
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of his bio so I don't mess this up, because look,
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he's an internationally recognized performance coach. He's really dedicated to
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helping family centered leaders live with passion, deepen their relationships,
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and make more money. I think those are things we
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all want to do in a world that glorifies the
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endless hustle. Mitch teaches that true success is defined by
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our ability to be deeply present, something that I've been
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trying to do more and more over the last few
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years for sure. So what he does, though, he shifts
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high performers away from traditional metrics, equips him to unlock
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genuine freedom in mind of mind and helps clients rewire
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their brains for permanent change so that you don't even
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have to read or rely on the self help books
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ever again. All right, he's an entrepreneur, he's a husband,
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he's a father. He's an endurance athlete, which I need
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or more about in a man of faith, which I love.
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So he's got over two decades of personal development experience
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and helping and coaching from the hard earned lessons he's
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going to share with us today. Stick around. You're going
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to love this show. I want to admit you to share.
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The first thing is that core message that all of
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these listeners can hear. What is that core piece before
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we dive in.
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Yeah, my core message is that true success is defined
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by your ability to be deeply present, and fulfillment doesn't
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come from achievement, as much as we hope and continue
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to chase it, hoping that someday, once we're successful enough,
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then we can be present. But actually being present is
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being who you really are full time, and that's what
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fulfillment really is. It's not getting what you want, which
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is what success is, but fulfillment is becoming who you
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really are. And so becoming there's two different paths that
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people take, and the common path is to become better,
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and I believe that you can't become better, but rather
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you can only become more of who you really are
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by returning to who you once were when you entered
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this world.
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This is deep and I love it. We're gonna have
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some deep conversations here, you guys. So I want to
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know why why did you come to this conclusion? Why
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are you helping people in this regard? I am excited
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because I want to experience this type of thing and
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know that I'm headed in the right direction. But why
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where did this come from? For you?
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Yeah? I had a rude awakening in twenty twenty one
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when I was at a doctor's office and the nurse
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was going through her new patient assessment form and my
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wife was with me also as a new patient. We
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had just moved there to a new area, and the
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doctor asked me a question that ended up changing the
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rest of my life and ended up leaving me leading
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me down this path to help others to do what
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I do. And the question was very simple and I
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didn't know it would be important at the end the moment.
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She asked me, on a scale of one to ten, how.
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Stressed are you?
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And I have always relied on positivity because that's what
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I believed was one of my strengths. And I realized
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that for me, as a high achiever, that positivity was
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often an escape from truly healing, just silver lining all
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the things in my life and saying everything's good, everything's
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going to work out, everything's great, while ignoring the emotional
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experience that I was actually pressing. And so I thought
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about the answer to this question thoughtfully. I'm a thoughtful person,
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and I said probably like a two out of ten
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on my stress, and my wife fortunately interrupted, she's so
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loving and so she doesn't mince words. She's very precise,
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and she said, you're kidding, right, You're like a nine.
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And so I'm so embarrassed my cheeks go red. I'm thinking,
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this poor nurse is not a therapist. She doesn't deserve
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to have to watch this conversation. I just agreed. I
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was like, yeah, probably a nine, and we just moved on.
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And a few weeks later, I was talking to one
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of my mentors and expressing what I was feeling since
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kind of realizing that I was far more stressed than
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I really and he said, you know, we were talking
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on the phone, but it felt like he grabbed me
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on my shoulders and shook me, and he, you know,
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looked me in the eyes and said, you're Mitch Whiting.
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You're a leader, you're.
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A high performer, you love people like I've never seen before.
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But do you realize you view yourself as a wounded bird?
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And I was like, I don't know why.
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I don't know what happened because I used to be
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so happy and so fulfilled and so passionate about everything,
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and yet I have this level of success that I
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didn't even think was possible for myself, and yet I
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still wasn't happy, and so I went on this journey
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to find answers I wanted to find, like you know,
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of twenty years of obsession with self help, I read
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every book you can imagine. My grandpa and great grandpa
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worked with Dill Carnegie. My dad was in sales from
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a young age, and he would pay me to read
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books as a ten year old, and he didn't have
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to pay me for long because I just loved it.
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And I even remember as a teenager being distracted on
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dates thinking of like, now we're on hike and I'm
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thinking about the analogy of how the bat can see
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light and darkness, and I'm like, I just love you know, these.
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Content day persons that I'm like, yeah, exactly, Hey, I've
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got a couple kids in the studio today with me.
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These guys do I pay you guys to read books.
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I love that leaders or leaders, That's right, I love it. Anyway. Sorry,
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look how many of us that are watching and listening
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can relate to this piece of a wounded bird where
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we've had such huge passion, happiness, growth potential and yet
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we're not living up to that potential. I mean, I've
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dealt with this. I don't know if you want to
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call it a sickness, if you want to call it
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a negative mindset, I for sure have felt that, and
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I'm sure one hundred percent of people out there have
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felt this at some point. So you felt this piece,
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you started going through the process of learning it for yourself,
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and now that you've been able to achieve some of
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those lessons learned, you're now teaching and coaching others to
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do this.
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Yeah, my metric of success was really building a resume
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from a young age. For whatever reason, I had it
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on my mind, like I need to prove myself to
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the world so that I'll be liked, so that I'll
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be loved, so that I can be successful, so that
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I can retire early, so that I can make a
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lot of money and do all the things that I
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want to do. And achievement became the metric. And this
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question changed my life because my metrics shifted. It was
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now no longer what have I achieved? But the question
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was how little am I suffering? And when you ask
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yourself how much time you're spending in a suffering state,
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First you have to understand that there are only two
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emotional states that were in at any given time, there's
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a suffering state and a powerful state. And if I
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were to simplify the definition, we all know that a
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suffering state is. We all know what it feels like
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when an emotion just doesn't feel useful, right like, anger
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can feel useful if there's an injustice happening, But anger
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at a perceived injustice of something that's not actually happening
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that we're victimizing ourselves doesn't feel useful. And we all
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have it within us to know whether something feels useful
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or not useful. And whenever we're in a state that
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doesn't feel useful, we're in a suffering state. And when
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we're in a state that does feel useful, we're in
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a powerful state. Well, if we're only in one of
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these two states, then the question is how do I
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get rid of my suffering? Because your natural state is
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a state of power. Michael Angelo described this process of
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sculpting the statue David, and he said, I didn't sculpt David.
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I took everything away that wasn't David. And that's the
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journey of becoming who you really are, is to not
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learn how to be powerful, even though the world of
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self help teaches you like how to prime yourself how
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to get to a powerful state, rather than if you
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can get rid of everything that's not you, which is
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stripping away or chiseling away the suffering, then you return
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to your natural state of power that you once had
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when you entered this world as a newborn baby, where
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you're at peace and you were present, and you are curious,
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and you're full of forgiveness and love and patience. That's
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who we really are.
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So, look, you're a young guy. I turned forty three
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next month, and I feel like it wasn't just a
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few years ago that I started realizing. And I think
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a lot of my peers you hit thirty five or forty,
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and it's like you want to find out who you
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really are, or you want to go back to who
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you were. And obviously went through a divorce, and a
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lot of people go through these changes in life, and
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I would, you know, suggest for people to not have
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to do that, if they don't have to to be
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able to realize the learnings that they can. The hope
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is that couples can do this together and go back
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to their natural state together, which I think would be
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a much better experience if they can do that. So
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I feel like a lot of us are suffering. Maybe
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we are stuck in the victim mentality. I want you
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to work with me. Yeah, right here live in the podcast.
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I love it so that as you guys are listening
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and watching, maybe you guys can visualize yourself and see
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what Mitch could really do for you too. Are you
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up for that?
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I'm down.
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Let's do it all right, I'm ready to be vulnerable.
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I'm ready to be to get open. Here kids are
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in the background. Hopefully you guys are okay with us.
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You ready, I'm going to take a deep breath.
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Yeah. I'd love to start by answering you know this
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question that you're looking at, which is you know, at
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this age, you're trying to over the last few years,
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figure out who am I or how can I return
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to a future a previous version of myself and one
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of my clients, as I was teaching her, you know
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who she really is, which is a core foundation of
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this work. She ended up going on a vacation for
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her fifteenth year anniversary to Hawaii, supposed to be their
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ten uere COVID disrupted those plans, and so five years
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later they finally made it to Hawaii. This is a
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mother of six kids, similar to having eight kids, and
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she's exhausted. You know, she's got a lot going on.
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And if anyone deserved a morning to sleep in, it
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was my client. And jet Lag had other plans. And
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she's lying awake in Hawaii at three thirty in the morning.
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It's pitch black, and she's just like, no, I do
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not want to be awake right now. She doesn't want
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to get up because she doesn't want to wake up
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her husband. And she just lays there and thinks, what
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can I do? And she thought of the one thing
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that she could do, which was to say a prayer.
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So she said a prayer, and she asked God if
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there was a reason why he wanted her awake, if
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there was something that he wanted to tell her. She listened,
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and then she thought, maybe I'll ask an even more
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specific question. And the question just came out of her
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and surprised her. And the question she asked, is who
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am I? That's the question that we do want to know.
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It's one of the greatest questions, one of the deepest
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philosophical questions in the entire history of the world, that
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all the greatest philosophers have tried to wrap their mind
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around and in a beautiful and sacred moment, she immediately
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got a response from God. She said, who am I?
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And God responded, think of your best moments, that's who
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you really are. She got so emotional as her brain
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started reeling through the memories of the best moments where
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she showed up as the best mother, the best wife,
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the best daughter, the best person that she is, and
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all these beautiful moments of where she felt stunning and
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beautiful or passionate or curious or forgiving, And all of
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a sudden, she started having a catalog of the experiences
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where she realized who she really was, which wasn't her mistakes,
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which wasn't the times that she wasn't present or overwhelmed
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or frustrated. And this idea that Michelangelo taught us is
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the same idea that Jesus taught us when he said
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to become as a little child. A little child isn't better,
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and a little child doesn't need to in the morning,
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read ten pages, hop into cold plunge, listen to a podcast,
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get some exercise in to then feel primed and alive
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for the day. They're already they they really are because
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they haven't yet picked up the lies that way of
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this world that create.
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All of our suffering. That's beautiful.
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So let's dive in and let's become more child. You
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feel more like who you are.
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I love that. I mean, this is something where we
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talked about this earlier. I want to do what God
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wants me to do. I want to be an instrument
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in God's hands. I want to share his love with
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other people. I know that I signed up for a
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mission before I came to this earth. I truly believe
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I signed a contract and I agreed to the millions
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of things that I would do on this earth. And
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every so often I feel like, am I failing? Am
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I not doing it right? Am I? And so that
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questioning I try to stay on the right path, But
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sometimes I'm like, Okay, I have had to suffer like everyone.
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I feel like it's part of God's plan to suffer
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so that we can become more like our savior who
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had to suffer. But it's put it in life into
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a different perspective over the last few years, and I'm
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sure that people listening to watching can relate to having
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to suffer in some way, shape or form. So let's
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dive in. Let's do this.
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So the question that I would have for you is
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what suffering or resistance are you experiencing right now in
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your life? Which requires vulnerability? But all a radical transformation
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begins with vulnerability.
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I think vulnerability breeds connection, So hopefully we're going to
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connect connect with people. So some of the suffering or
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the areas of life where I feel like I am
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struggling with would be You know, am I fulfilling God's
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will on a daily, weekly, monthly basis raising eight kids
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as a single dad, co parenting with their mom? Am
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I doing what they need? How often? Am I failing?
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You know? What they need? And so I worry about that?
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How am I? Maybe this is too many? Am I worthy?
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Am I just worthy of God's love? Am I worthy
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of his direction? I know the answer is yes, But
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you know, am I? Am I doing everything I should
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be all the time? And of course I make mistakes too,
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so and then I think I had growing up. I
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don't know why I learned this, but I think I
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felt like I had to earn love and that ended
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up showing up in our marriage as well, where I
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felt like I had to earn love and I would
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have wouldn't have never learned that about myself without going
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to therapy and having coaches and healing retreats that made
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me do a deeper dive into my own healing. So
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I don't know if that's Is this the level of
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vulnerability here?
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Yeah, And there's some language that's being revealed in every
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single one of those that's the same across everything you
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listed in one saying that I'm seeing and it's a
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focus on doing, and it comes back to what you've identified,
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which is earning love. If I do everything that God
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wants me to do, if I set out to do
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everything I promised God I would do, then all be
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worthy of his love. And I want to do everything
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in my marriage. I want to do everything for my kids,
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you know, and help them to do the things that
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they are meant to do. And the shift that I
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have found to be most profound in my life is
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a shift not a way from doing, because doing all
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of our actions are important, because our actions ultimately create
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our results. We're either acting or distracting ourselves, and the
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results that we have in the world are either for
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good or for bad. Right, we have an influence, and
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that's what you want really you want to influence in
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your relationships and with God for good. And when we
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focus on the doing that gets interrupted. We find ourselves
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when we're stressed and overwhelmed. Do we show up the
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same way we want to? The answer is no, everything
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falls apart. And so the world of self help focuses
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on habits and system so that we can create a
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system of doing certain things and stacking certain behaviors so
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they become natural. But what it misses is what's what's behind,
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and actually what drives our actions is our emotional experience.
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Because when you're in a powerful state, when you're in
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a state of love and of patience and of curiosity
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and understanding and resourcefulness and selfless service, how do you
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show up as a father?
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I think you show up the best way possible.
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Is it hard to do the thing you want to do?
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And what about in your relationship with God? Is it
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hard to pray? Or in your fitness? Is it hard
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to exercise? When you're feeling you're a powerful state?
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It all flows.
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It's easy, right, It's it's natural, and so it's impossible
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to create powerfully from a suffering state. But from a
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powerful state you can do nothing but create powerfully. And
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so the question is, how do we shift our emotional
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state from a suffering state to a powerful state, Because
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all all of my problems, all of your problems in
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your life, in all those five areas, only come from
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the moments where you're in a suffering state.
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Fascinating. So the concepts of earlier in my life, Let's say,
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as an entrepreneur, I was naive enough to not think
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I would ever fail. So I just went I did
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and accomplished, right, had success with my very first company.
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I was able to sell, which is crazy, that's not normal. Yeah,
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And then it's like, now that I had that experience,
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I went out and did another one and it didn't
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pan out, and it's like, oh my gosh, failure is real.
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And it threw me for an incredible emotional downturn. I
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think it was the first time I felt anxiety and
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depression my entire life. And I thought to myself, if
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I'm the entrepreneur and I just failed, then what am I?
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I literally was thinking through this process that was in
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twenty sixteen ish seventeen, and I had to come to
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Jesus like I literally had a turning of heart back
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to him. My Creator, and it was a rebirth, a
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new awakening for me from a spiritual standpoint. That's when
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I started going to the temple every week. It's when
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I started really studying. Before I was just kind of
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going about and I was an active member of the
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Church of Jesus Christ letterty Saints. But like for me,
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that was at turning point spiritually. Even my goals in
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life changed at that point. But now, even now where
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I've had a level of success, I now I have
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more fear than I ever did.
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In the new ventures and the things you're trying to create.
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I feel inspired by God to even do this podcast
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and the Fatherhoodmovement dot com. Like, I feel like I'm
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supposed to do this, and yet I'm still scared.
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And what are you afraid of? If you were to first, actually,
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what I would have you do is to feel it, Okay,
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right now, for ninety seconds, an emotion only lasts for
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ninety seconds. In our bodies, we're all capable of feeling
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it for ninety seconds. And that's not to say that
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we can't feel something for longer ninety seconds. But if
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you will, I do this every day allow myself when
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suffering comes up, I just to say, I'm going to
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feel it fully for ninety seconds, the worst thoughts, the
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worst feelings. I'm just gonna let it come and tell me.
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Is it fear that you're failing? It sounds like it is. Yeah,
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feel that fear and tell me why are you afraid
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or what are you afraid of?
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As I can just I can go for it. Fear
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of failure, Fear of misrepresenting either me or my faith,
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especially on accident, not meaning to but doing something sharing
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online is very vulnerable, especially when I'm incorporating faith and
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Jesus as a Christ centered program. I hope the Fatherhood
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movement is, but fear of failure is probably the number one.
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What's the problem with failing for you? Why would that
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be a problem.
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That's what's crazy. Is I even teach these principles that
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knowing failure it can be good, and as an entrepreneur,
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fail fast because then you can just iterate and pivot
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and move. I think I was really hit hard when that,
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when that start up in two thousand and sixty.
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Now, why was that such a problem?
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What happened? I had rolled my entire identity into being
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an entrepreneur instead of being a son of God and
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I had to rip that part away, and it took
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me a long time years to feel more comfortable as
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just just a son of God, even though that's the
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greatest thing, but just and saying, okay, maybe the entrepreneur
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thing was just that isn't just me, but the son
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of that who I am. It's something that I'm doing.
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But I didn't do that before. It was who I
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felt I was. And when that didn't come to fruition,
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I mean, it has to be there if I'm still
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afraid of failing, right, it has to be some there.
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But I feel like there was years of me trying
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to work through and the honest truth of I didn't
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even care about financial success after that, when I was
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having the spiritual awakening and this rebirth moment, I was like,
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you know what, sufficient for my needs. Sufficient for my
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needs is all I needed at the time. And it's
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funny because that became that was a difficult part of
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our relationship, was my shift in priorities that I was
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trying to just focus on what God wanted me to
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do and how to do that, and I wasn't as
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I wasn't as driven from a financial component, and so
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you know, that's not who I was earlier totally. And
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so as I was maturing and growing up as an adult,
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realizing that that financial driven success and passion wasn't the same,
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and I think that was scary.
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Because now your motivation to make money is what.
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Way less important. It helped to have had structure and
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systems and our needs were being.
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Met, yes, And so now in these new ventures, because
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you're still creating, you're still an entrepreneur. It's just it's
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less of your identity. But you're still important to you
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and it's something that you're doing. So when you think about,
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like why you're trying to make money, because as an entrepreneur,
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we make money, it's less motivated by money. What is
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the motivation today? I hope to be one fulfilling what
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God wants me to do and helping others to not
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necessarily either have to go through the pain that I
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did or to learn it faster more efficiently than I did.
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So now you're coming back to what you said in
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the beginning, which is that you want to do the
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things that God wants.
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You to do absolutely, Because look, if I can help
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one marriage stay together, if I can or if somebody
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has already gone through a divorse. If I can help
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them heal faster so that they can get back on
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their feet and back of their confidence, Oh my gosh,
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Like that is pod much joy. And even with the
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business poot camp dot com that I have, like, I
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want to help people with financial abundance, and so if
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I can help them get a little side gig going,
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if I can help them, you know, if they leave
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their corporate gig and do something like that's incredible and
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it changes their lives for the future. So all of
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those are more motivated for those reasons. And yes, do
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I want to you know, do I need it or
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want it to be profitable? Yes? Is that my ultimate goal?
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It needs to run and to run a business has
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to be profitable. But I hope and feel like my
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heart has gotten to the place where I want to
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help people. And I don't know if that's just a
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stage of life phase. I don't know if that's because
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of the pain that I had to go through that
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I would hope others can learn without having to.
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Go through that your crap reveals your craft. There you
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go that often the things that we go through that
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are hard and are painful and are dirty and are
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messy that we end up on the other side of
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become part of our mission and the way that we
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can help others. We can feel more empathy for them.
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But also we love people more because we have less
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of a judgmental mind, because we're like I've been there,
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and I've maybe been, you know, worse than where they are,
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or I've been different from where they are, and.
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So I just want to love them. I have felt
483
00:25:24.720 --> 00:25:27.240
so blessed. One of the experiences going through some of
484
00:25:27.240 --> 00:25:30.319
the heartache is that I feel like I was given
485
00:25:30.400 --> 00:25:32.960
a gift. Not all the time, but every so often.
486
00:25:32.960 --> 00:25:34.839
I can see people, I think in the way that
487
00:25:34.839 --> 00:25:37.839
maybe Jesus would see them, and so knowing that they're
488
00:25:37.839 --> 00:25:40.319
going through something hard, or knowing that they're struggling with X,
489
00:25:40.400 --> 00:25:43.880
y Z, or even if this person is or persons
490
00:25:43.920 --> 00:25:48.119
are attacking totally, I'm able to see with a different
491
00:25:48.119 --> 00:25:51.559
set of eyes, with more charity, and that charity of
492
00:25:51.680 --> 00:25:56.200
like it's as if one of my children we're throwing
493
00:25:56.240 --> 00:25:58.119
a tantrum, which you guys are old enough, you guys
494
00:25:58.119 --> 00:26:00.240
don't do this very much anymore. But if they were
495
00:26:00.279 --> 00:26:04.960
throwing a tantrum instead of me being frustrated and defensive,
496
00:26:05.079 --> 00:26:07.240
and I just want to go give them a hug,
497
00:26:08.279 --> 00:26:10.680
just say like, you are so loved. And I can
498
00:26:10.759 --> 00:26:14.160
feel that now with other adults, which I didn't have
499
00:26:14.240 --> 00:26:18.880
that gift before. And if I can say I'm grateful
500
00:26:18.920 --> 00:26:22.160
for the suffering, that's one of those that I feel
501
00:26:22.160 --> 00:26:24.759
like I wouldn't take back.
502
00:26:25.039 --> 00:26:27.279
My wife and I through the trauma and the tragedies
503
00:26:27.319 --> 00:26:30.319
that we've been through. We will never say that we're
504
00:26:30.319 --> 00:26:33.039
glad they happened, but we can say we're grateful for
505
00:26:33.079 --> 00:26:34.640
the purpose that we found in it.
506
00:26:34.920 --> 00:26:36.240
And that's what you're feeling.
507
00:26:36.279 --> 00:26:38.680
The meaning that you've assigned to it empowers you to
508
00:26:38.720 --> 00:26:40.960
then go help and serve and love others. And so
509
00:26:41.000 --> 00:26:43.279
I want to come back to this fear that you
510
00:26:43.319 --> 00:26:46.759
feel when you feel it, the you know, what you're
511
00:26:46.799 --> 00:26:50.160
saying is I'm afraid of failing. And then your brain says, oh,
512
00:26:50.160 --> 00:26:52.200
but I already know this, Like I teach this right,
513
00:26:52.319 --> 00:26:55.079
You're like, I already share this. And there's you know.
514
00:26:55.720 --> 00:26:58.240
In my book that I'm writing, I talk about how
515
00:26:58.279 --> 00:27:01.880
it doesn't matter what you know because what you know
516
00:27:02.200 --> 00:27:04.799
isn't always what you feel. It matters what you believe
517
00:27:05.000 --> 00:27:06.960
because if you remember what we talked about is our
518
00:27:06.960 --> 00:27:09.519
emotional state drives all of our behaviors, and so it
519
00:27:09.559 --> 00:27:12.480
matters what we believe because our beliefs ultimately dictate our
520
00:27:12.519 --> 00:27:15.240
emotional state, and then our emotional state dictates our actions.
521
00:27:15.240 --> 00:27:17.599
If you know something is true, but you don't believe it,
522
00:27:17.960 --> 00:27:20.119
then you don't act in alignment with that, which.
523
00:27:19.920 --> 00:27:20.960
Is why you're experiencing.
524
00:27:21.000 --> 00:27:24.960
You're suffering with fear even though you know failure can
525
00:27:25.039 --> 00:27:26.319
be a good thing. And so I want to know
526
00:27:26.559 --> 00:27:29.240
why is failure a problem for you? What are you
527
00:27:29.319 --> 00:27:29.759
afraid of?
528
00:27:30.240 --> 00:27:33.759
So? I think there was a confident Bubba that lasted
529
00:27:33.799 --> 00:27:36.240
for a long time. You know, in my early adulthood,
530
00:27:37.359 --> 00:27:40.200
even as a child, I was always a confident one.
531
00:27:40.519 --> 00:27:42.920
I'd walk up to the ice cream man and talk
532
00:27:42.960 --> 00:27:45.119
to anybody in the line and make friends with anybody around.
533
00:27:45.200 --> 00:27:48.400
I was just that guy or that little kid. Yes,
534
00:27:48.480 --> 00:27:50.839
I was positive. I was happy, just the way you were.
535
00:27:50.960 --> 00:27:53.200
I was just that was me, and everybody knew it.
536
00:27:53.279 --> 00:27:56.640
This is Bubba. Everybody's friends with Bubba. My mom would
537
00:27:56.640 --> 00:27:58.000
ask what are their names? And I'd make them up
538
00:27:58.000 --> 00:27:59.880
because I didn't know their names. But we're all friends.
539
00:28:00.079 --> 00:28:04.240
That's amazing, and that is who I am to my core.
540
00:28:05.240 --> 00:28:07.319
I think going through some of the suffering of whether
541
00:28:07.319 --> 00:28:09.880
it's a failed business or a failed relationship or whatever
542
00:28:09.920 --> 00:28:12.839
it is, or loss of somebody that you love or
543
00:28:12.839 --> 00:28:16.559
whatever it is, someone's going through what I lost a
544
00:28:16.599 --> 00:28:21.519
ton of confidence in myself, a ton, and I've been
545
00:28:21.559 --> 00:28:27.039
in this rebuilding process of rebuilding my confidence and hopefully
546
00:28:27.039 --> 00:28:31.640
building in the right foundations and not just in financial
547
00:28:31.680 --> 00:28:34.240
or entrepreneurial success. It's interesting when I hear you talk
548
00:28:34.279 --> 00:28:37.480
about knowing who you were and who you really are,
549
00:28:37.640 --> 00:28:40.599
which was that child version of you. That's just freaking awesome, right.
550
00:28:41.079 --> 00:28:43.920
It just loves everybody as friends, as everybody as fearless
551
00:28:44.279 --> 00:28:47.319
can be, right, the NFL quarterback and the firefighter and
552
00:28:47.359 --> 00:28:49.559
the astronaut, Like, whatever you want to do, you just
553
00:28:49.559 --> 00:28:52.359
went and did it, and you brought people along, and
554
00:28:52.480 --> 00:28:55.599
you have this knowing inside you that that's who you are,
555
00:28:55.640 --> 00:28:58.799
that's how you came. And then there's this language earlier
556
00:28:58.799 --> 00:29:02.279
in the podcast where you shared that you succeeded and
557
00:29:02.359 --> 00:29:05.000
you you know, did all these things that worked out
558
00:29:05.039 --> 00:29:08.480
really well because you were naive, And now you're not
559
00:29:08.599 --> 00:29:14.039
naive anymore because you've failed and how does it feel
560
00:29:14.359 --> 00:29:16.680
when like, what emotion do you feel when you think
561
00:29:17.599 --> 00:29:20.079
I was just now I succeeded because I was naive?
562
00:29:20.119 --> 00:29:25.400
What emotion does that create for you? Oh? It's almost
563
00:29:25.440 --> 00:29:29.680
like a longing to go back there. It's it's interesting
564
00:29:29.680 --> 00:29:33.039
because the lessons learned, I know are so valuable and
565
00:29:33.119 --> 00:29:36.119
I wouldn't trade it, but there is a longing of
566
00:29:36.240 --> 00:29:38.319
like if I only just didn't know.
567
00:29:38.759 --> 00:29:41.480
Yeah, so let me ask you now. Now, another way
568
00:29:41.519 --> 00:29:45.759
to say this is I'm not naive anymore, so I
569
00:29:45.799 --> 00:29:48.000
can't go back. How does that feel?
570
00:29:48.279 --> 00:29:48.720
Interesting?
571
00:29:48.759 --> 00:29:51.440
Because you can't erase your memory. Nope, You're not going
572
00:29:51.480 --> 00:29:54.519
to go back to that naivity, right, And so now
573
00:29:54.680 --> 00:29:57.119
part of the problem that you're articulating for yourself is
574
00:29:57.160 --> 00:30:01.839
that I'm not naive anymore, and so I can't act
575
00:30:02.240 --> 00:30:04.160
and I can't dream, and I can't pursue in the
576
00:30:04.240 --> 00:30:05.039
same way.
577
00:30:04.839 --> 00:30:05.400
That I used to.
578
00:30:05.680 --> 00:30:07.440
Yeah, what emotion does that create for you?
579
00:30:07.599 --> 00:30:10.839
Interesting? That probably brings the way the way you phrased
580
00:30:10.880 --> 00:30:15.200
it makes me sad, like because that's probably a belief.
581
00:30:16.640 --> 00:30:18.519
Really Yeah, if it's creating an emotion, it means you
582
00:30:18.519 --> 00:30:19.279
do believe.
583
00:30:19.039 --> 00:30:21.359
It, and so that makes me sad.
584
00:30:21.599 --> 00:30:24.160
Yeah, and is that madness stuck? There is that sadness
585
00:30:24.160 --> 00:30:27.000
feel useful or not useful of course, so it's limiting,
586
00:30:27.240 --> 00:30:29.880
it's not expansive, which means that it's a suffering state.
587
00:30:30.400 --> 00:30:33.400
So here's where things get really interesting. One of the
588
00:30:33.440 --> 00:30:38.000
things that I've found is that all suffering, emotional suffering,
589
00:30:38.279 --> 00:30:42.000
doesn't count touching the stove. That's that's pain suffering. All
590
00:30:42.039 --> 00:30:48.279
emotional suffering comes from believing something that's not true. All
591
00:30:48.319 --> 00:30:51.599
suffering comes from believing things that are not true, which
592
00:30:51.640 --> 00:30:55.160
means that one percent of the time when we're in
593
00:30:55.200 --> 00:30:58.440
a suffering state, the thinking that we have is a
594
00:30:58.440 --> 00:31:02.039
flat outlly, whoa, it's unintelligent, it's untrue.
595
00:31:02.119 --> 00:31:03.960
Well it sounds like something the eversary would do.
596
00:31:04.119 --> 00:31:08.359
That's right. See, it's so good, so good at we
597
00:31:08.480 --> 00:31:11.200
just yet. And part of it, too, is that the
598
00:31:11.240 --> 00:31:13.880
majority of our beliefs are formed before the age of
599
00:31:13.920 --> 00:31:17.039
seven years old. I don't call this a problem, because
600
00:31:17.039 --> 00:31:19.240
I believe it's by divine design. But I do called
601
00:31:19.240 --> 00:31:22.839
the challenge because our frontal lobe, a rational part of
602
00:31:22.839 --> 00:31:26.640
our brain, isn't fully developed until age twenty five, so
603
00:31:26.720 --> 00:31:29.279
we had no offense to both of us. We had tiny,
604
00:31:29.359 --> 00:31:33.359
unintelligent brains right as kids. And a belief is the
605
00:31:33.400 --> 00:31:35.200
meaning you assigned to your experience, and so we were
606
00:31:35.240 --> 00:31:38.039
assigning meaning to our experience and developing the majority of
607
00:31:38.039 --> 00:31:41.000
our beliefs. And your beliefs are also the lens by
608
00:31:41.039 --> 00:31:45.920
which you perceive reality, which means that your lens, your beliefs,
609
00:31:46.000 --> 00:31:49.839
will your brain will look for anything and everything as
610
00:31:49.920 --> 00:31:53.359
evidence to support our beliefs, even though they're not true.
611
00:31:54.200 --> 00:31:54.799
Fascinating.
612
00:31:54.920 --> 00:31:58.680
And so you have this experience that was beautiful and
613
00:31:58.759 --> 00:32:02.559
fun and successful and thriving and passionate and curious and unafraid,
614
00:32:03.359 --> 00:32:06.880
and then you are exposed to a different circumstance that
615
00:32:06.920 --> 00:32:11.799
all of a sudden you're feeling fearful and not naive anymore,
616
00:32:12.000 --> 00:32:15.599
Like this is the real world. Naivity is to say
617
00:32:15.839 --> 00:32:18.559
I didn't really understand how things really were, and so
618
00:32:18.599 --> 00:32:21.039
I could operate in this powerful state. But now that
619
00:32:21.079 --> 00:32:24.160
I understand how hard and difficult and challenging things really are,
620
00:32:24.799 --> 00:32:26.720
I just can't take the kind of risk and the
621
00:32:26.799 --> 00:32:29.839
kind of action, the kind of doing that I used
622
00:32:29.839 --> 00:32:32.920
to take interesting. And the question is if it creates
623
00:32:32.920 --> 00:32:36.599
a suffering, is it true? Is it true that you're
624
00:32:36.680 --> 00:32:41.799
actually not naive anymore that the world really is harder
625
00:32:42.119 --> 00:32:44.319
than you used to believe, or is it true that
626
00:32:44.400 --> 00:32:49.200
actually there's more possibility and more power and more creativity
627
00:32:49.599 --> 00:32:54.039
that's accessible at any moment, just like you used to experience, and.
628
00:32:54.039 --> 00:32:57.440
Maybe even more powerful than what it was based on
629
00:32:57.480 --> 00:33:01.240
that experience that you have. If I were to, if
630
00:33:01.200 --> 00:33:03.440
I are to answer that question, I would look at
631
00:33:04.119 --> 00:33:09.799
the mindset. That negative mindset comes straight from Satan. I mean,
632
00:33:09.799 --> 00:33:13.079
if I'm thinking as a God fearing man, as faith totally,
633
00:33:13.119 --> 00:33:17.359
you know, faith hopefully faith filled men, that these are
634
00:33:17.359 --> 00:33:19.680
the negative thoughts that Satan puts in her minds to
635
00:33:19.759 --> 00:33:21.759
drag us down slowly but surely.
636
00:33:22.519 --> 00:33:24.880
And the Bible says that God did not give you
637
00:33:24.920 --> 00:33:28.119
the spirit of fear, but the spirit of power and
638
00:33:28.200 --> 00:33:30.599
of love and of a sound mind. The way I
639
00:33:30.640 --> 00:33:32.680
look at this is that the spirit of fear is
640
00:33:32.720 --> 00:33:34.920
what I call the suffering state, and the spirit of
641
00:33:34.960 --> 00:33:37.039
power is this powerful state that I talk about. And
642
00:33:37.079 --> 00:33:39.440
if it didn't come from God, it comes from the
643
00:33:39.440 --> 00:33:43.359
Father of all lies. When we believe a lie, we
644
00:33:43.400 --> 00:33:46.880
move into the spirit of fear. But the God gives
645
00:33:46.880 --> 00:33:48.559
the spirit of power and of love and of a
646
00:33:48.599 --> 00:33:51.599
sound mind. A sound mind is a mind that has sound,
647
00:33:52.079 --> 00:33:55.279
accurate or true thinking. And when you know the truth,
648
00:33:55.319 --> 00:33:58.319
as Jesus said, the truth shall make you free. Free
649
00:33:58.599 --> 00:34:00.599
And so we can come back and say, hey, I'm
650
00:34:00.599 --> 00:34:03.519
in a spirit of fear, which is exactly what you're experiencing,
651
00:34:03.839 --> 00:34:06.400
which means I must be believing a lie. Well what
652
00:34:06.440 --> 00:34:09.199
am I afraid of? And it's I'm not naive anymore,
653
00:34:09.519 --> 00:34:12.639
and so I can't show up the way I used to.
654
00:34:13.760 --> 00:34:16.280
And we know with one hundred percent certainty that that
655
00:34:16.360 --> 00:34:19.920
must not be true, that the world isn't actually the
656
00:34:19.960 --> 00:34:23.159
way you've been viewing it, That you're not doomed to
657
00:34:23.159 --> 00:34:25.599
fail because you now know things are harder than you
658
00:34:25.639 --> 00:34:28.679
once thought they were, but something else, some form of
659
00:34:28.719 --> 00:34:29.880
the opposite, must be true.
660
00:34:30.599 --> 00:34:33.239
This is fascinating because I'm sure there are others that
661
00:34:33.239 --> 00:34:36.119
are listening that have had the same thing, whether it's
662
00:34:36.159 --> 00:34:39.280
in their career, whether it's in their marriage, whether it's
663
00:34:39.320 --> 00:34:44.480
in their athletic abilities, whatever it is, that this negative
664
00:34:44.559 --> 00:34:49.199
mindset has come about, and they've been stuck. They've been
665
00:34:49.280 --> 00:34:53.280
stuck thinking in this negative format because we believe it's true,
666
00:34:53.360 --> 00:34:56.760
because we believe the lie, and if we believe the lie.
667
00:34:57.599 --> 00:35:02.519
Satan grabs a hold of our true potential and holds
668
00:35:02.599 --> 00:35:04.760
us down as long as we allow him to.
669
00:35:05.480 --> 00:35:09.679
And what that really is is that we live in
670
00:35:09.719 --> 00:35:14.239
a suffering state which prevents us from doing all the
671
00:35:14.239 --> 00:35:15.760
things that we know God wants us to do and
672
00:35:15.800 --> 00:35:18.239
we want to do, because it's not about doing, it's
673
00:35:18.280 --> 00:35:20.400
about being. When you're in a powerful state, the doing
674
00:35:20.440 --> 00:35:22.440
comes naturally. You don't even have to worry about it.
675
00:35:22.519 --> 00:35:25.280
But if we can stay in a suffering state by
676
00:35:25.320 --> 00:35:29.000
believing lies, then we're stuck not doing the things, fulfilling
677
00:35:29.000 --> 00:35:31.159
the fear that we end up having, which is not
678
00:35:31.199 --> 00:35:32.239
fulfilling the will of God.
679
00:35:33.079 --> 00:35:38.119
And that ultimate potential has been thwarted by Satan, which
680
00:35:38.159 --> 00:35:39.239
is exactly his goal.
681
00:35:39.719 --> 00:35:43.920
There's an interesting I have an amazing mentor. His name
682
00:35:44.000 --> 00:35:48.480
is Nicki, and he is a tai chi master. He
683
00:35:48.800 --> 00:35:51.440
is like my mister Miyagi. I met him in a
684
00:35:51.480 --> 00:35:54.440
retreat and I asked him. He was even offered to
685
00:35:54.440 --> 00:35:56.800
fly him out quarterly to my house in Arkansas, because
686
00:35:56.800 --> 00:35:58.079
I was like, I got to learn from this guy.
687
00:35:58.119 --> 00:36:00.800
He's so unbelievable and he's so humble. You like declined
688
00:36:00.840 --> 00:36:01.760
and it's like, oh, I don't.
689
00:36:02.239 --> 00:36:02.800
I don't do that.
690
00:36:02.880 --> 00:36:05.000
I just do my own personal practice. And we've become
691
00:36:05.039 --> 00:36:07.199
close friends, and I've learned so much from him, And
692
00:36:07.239 --> 00:36:08.639
one of the things that he shared with me is
693
00:36:08.639 --> 00:36:14.599
the difference between self and ego. Self. Well, I'll start
694
00:36:14.639 --> 00:36:18.000
with ego. When someone says someone's egotistical, what do you
695
00:36:18.000 --> 00:36:20.440
think they're typically trying to say about that person?
696
00:36:21.119 --> 00:36:25.119
Oh, maybe that they're boastful, or they're cocky, they think
697
00:36:25.119 --> 00:36:27.920
too much of themselves, they're greater than others.
698
00:36:28.159 --> 00:36:31.760
Yes, so good. So if ego is thinking too much
699
00:36:31.760 --> 00:36:34.360
of yourself or a lot of words, A lot of
700
00:36:34.400 --> 00:36:39.039
times we'll use words like self centered or self absorbed,
701
00:36:39.239 --> 00:36:41.960
or full of themselves. Someone who has a big ego,
702
00:36:43.039 --> 00:36:46.480
we actually completely misunderstand who we really are. And I'll
703
00:36:46.480 --> 00:36:51.239
explain this. If self is over here on the left side, right,
704
00:36:51.239 --> 00:36:54.159
we're separating these words and these identities, and ego is
705
00:36:54.199 --> 00:36:57.760
here on the right side. They're two different things. To
706
00:36:57.880 --> 00:37:03.440
call ego self centered when it's not centered in self,
707
00:37:04.440 --> 00:37:08.960
or self absorbed when it's not actually absorbed with self. Actually,
708
00:37:08.960 --> 00:37:11.320
we get this whole thing backwards, that ego and self
709
00:37:11.320 --> 00:37:15.079
are opposites. When we're in a suffering state. In other words,
710
00:37:15.320 --> 00:37:18.679
we're not self absorbed. We're void of ourselves. When we're
711
00:37:18.679 --> 00:37:20.519
in a suffering state and we're making those mistakes and
712
00:37:20.559 --> 00:37:22.239
doing those things that we wish we didn't do, that's
713
00:37:22.239 --> 00:37:24.880
not who we really are. All growing up, I used
714
00:37:24.880 --> 00:37:26.719
to say I hate myself. My mom reminded me this
715
00:37:26.760 --> 00:37:28.639
of a few years ago, and I just wept because
716
00:37:28.679 --> 00:37:30.280
I was like, I can't believe I just said that.
717
00:37:30.480 --> 00:37:32.320
Why did I feel that way? And it was because
718
00:37:32.320 --> 00:37:34.880
I got this confused. I thought that when I made
719
00:37:34.920 --> 00:37:36.559
mistakes and I did things that I told myself I
720
00:37:36.559 --> 00:37:40.880
wouldn't do, I thought that that's who I was, right,
721
00:37:40.960 --> 00:37:45.159
the self absorbed or the full of themselves. But the
722
00:37:45.239 --> 00:37:48.239
reality is is going back to what my client experienced
723
00:37:48.239 --> 00:37:51.320
in Hawaii, is that you are who you are in
724
00:37:51.360 --> 00:37:54.119
your best moments. You are who you are in a
725
00:37:54.159 --> 00:37:55.920
powerful state. And if we want to live in a
726
00:37:55.960 --> 00:37:59.239
powerful state full time, we don't learn to be powerful
727
00:37:59.280 --> 00:38:01.320
because a big doesn't have to learn how to be
728
00:38:01.400 --> 00:38:04.719
at peace, they just learn how to suffer. So the
729
00:38:04.800 --> 00:38:08.360
key is to unlearn the lies that are creating our suffering.
730
00:38:08.400 --> 00:38:10.639
As we let them go, we return to our natural
731
00:38:10.639 --> 00:38:11.280
state of power.
732
00:38:11.519 --> 00:38:14.400
So you got to help everybody listening here. Now that
733
00:38:14.440 --> 00:38:18.079
we walked through this process of like discovering what are fears?
734
00:38:18.280 --> 00:38:21.320
What are the fears that we have? What are limiting beliefs?
735
00:38:21.920 --> 00:38:27.079
And the mindset that's been keeping us down that's creating Yeah,
736
00:38:27.159 --> 00:38:30.039
and that we're believing it the lie? How do you
737
00:38:30.079 --> 00:38:31.599
break free? Yeah?
738
00:38:31.679 --> 00:38:34.159
A breakthrough is that it happens in a single moment.
739
00:38:34.320 --> 00:38:36.440
Is the moment you move from a suffering state to
740
00:38:36.480 --> 00:38:40.079
a powerful state and true. When you know the truth,
741
00:38:40.239 --> 00:38:42.639
the truth makes you free, and the inverse is also true.
742
00:38:42.679 --> 00:38:46.280
You become free by knowing that that what you're believing
743
00:38:46.719 --> 00:38:48.679
is a flat out lie. It's the language that I use.
744
00:38:49.639 --> 00:38:51.480
I was sharing this with my dad and he started saying,
745
00:38:51.480 --> 00:38:53.079
I'm getting so good at this when I'm in a
746
00:38:53.119 --> 00:38:55.599
suffering state. I just realized, whatever I'm thinking, it's a
747
00:38:55.599 --> 00:38:58.159
flat out lie. And you found so much power separating
748
00:38:58.239 --> 00:39:00.800
himself from that and realizing that it's not intelligent thinking
749
00:39:00.840 --> 00:39:03.440
and it's not true. And so the next step would
750
00:39:03.440 --> 00:39:06.519
be to acknowledge that the thinking that you've identified that's
751
00:39:06.519 --> 00:39:09.480
creating the suffering, it's not true. It's a flat out lie.
752
00:39:09.599 --> 00:39:11.360
Some of the language that I use for myself as
753
00:39:11.400 --> 00:39:17.239
I'll say, holy crap, it's not true that I'm now
754
00:39:18.639 --> 00:39:22.920
not naive and I can't have belief and hope and
755
00:39:22.960 --> 00:39:25.800
confidence like I used to. Yeah, I'm too jaded now
756
00:39:26.440 --> 00:39:30.760
it's actually not true that the world is in my future.
757
00:39:30.880 --> 00:39:35.679
Entrepreneurship endeavors are destined to fail because it's different, and
758
00:39:35.760 --> 00:39:38.079
I'm like, holy crap, that's crazy. I like to say,
759
00:39:38.119 --> 00:39:40.280
that's crazy, and what's happening here when we're having this
760
00:39:40.480 --> 00:39:44.280
holy crap, it's not true that that's crazy type of experience?
761
00:39:44.320 --> 00:39:47.440
With this lie, it creates something called cognitive dissonance in
762
00:39:47.480 --> 00:39:51.280
our brain, where the brain says, wait a second, we
763
00:39:51.280 --> 00:39:55.760
were wrong. And the brain hates being wrong because it's
764
00:39:55.800 --> 00:39:58.199
wired for to protect you. It's wired for survival, and
765
00:39:58.239 --> 00:40:00.800
so if it's wrong, then an emine threat might be
766
00:40:01.280 --> 00:40:03.840
around the corner that it hasn't been aware of. And
767
00:40:03.920 --> 00:40:05.880
so now what happens when you can acknowledge that the
768
00:40:05.880 --> 00:40:08.079
belief is a flat out lie. Your brain is now
769
00:40:08.119 --> 00:40:10.719
open to say, well, what is true? Let's figure this
770
00:40:10.760 --> 00:40:13.840
out right away. And so now the question is what
771
00:40:14.039 --> 00:40:17.679
is true? And the truth is the opposite or some
772
00:40:17.760 --> 00:40:19.480
form of the opposite. Of a lie, and I'll give
773
00:40:19.480 --> 00:40:21.079
you an example of how this works out a little
774
00:40:21.159 --> 00:40:24.639
time for me. So I hosted a retreat in Belize
775
00:40:24.679 --> 00:40:26.519
this last year and.
776
00:40:28.320 --> 00:40:29.199
I was in.
777
00:40:29.440 --> 00:40:33.440
It's a three hundred acre beautiful luxury resort called Jade Jungle.
778
00:40:33.480 --> 00:40:35.360
It's an incredible experience. Everyone go there.
779
00:40:35.400 --> 00:40:37.199
It's incredible. To get out there, it's incredible.
780
00:40:37.400 --> 00:40:39.639
And I don't know if you've ever been to if
781
00:40:39.679 --> 00:40:42.400
anyone listening has ever been to a three hundred acre
782
00:40:42.440 --> 00:40:44.039
luxury resort in the middle of the beliefe. But if
783
00:40:44.079 --> 00:40:46.280
you have, the last thing you're supposed to do is
784
00:40:46.320 --> 00:40:49.639
wake up completely frustrated. That's what I did. This is
785
00:40:49.719 --> 00:40:52.239
me right, and I wake up totally frustrated. And the
786
00:40:52.239 --> 00:40:55.480
reason why I was frustrated is because it's five fifty
787
00:40:55.480 --> 00:40:59.320
in the morning, and with no exaggeration, the loudest land
788
00:40:59.360 --> 00:41:03.039
animal on planet Earth is outside my open window that
789
00:41:03.239 --> 00:41:10.239
roof cabana howling. This howler monkey is going. It sounds
790
00:41:10.239 --> 00:41:13.239
like a t rex or like a dying jaguar. And
791
00:41:13.760 --> 00:41:16.239
I'm frustrated because it's five fifty in the morning and
792
00:41:16.360 --> 00:41:18.000
my three year old and five year old are now
793
00:41:18.000 --> 00:41:20.920
wide awake, and we got in late the sun goes down,
794
00:41:20.960 --> 00:41:23.559
so my kids, you know, went to sleep later. And
795
00:41:23.599 --> 00:41:27.320
I'm thinking, this is ridiculous. There's a ninety nine percent
796
00:41:27.400 --> 00:41:29.360
chance now that my kids are gonna have meltdowns and
797
00:41:29.400 --> 00:41:31.800
tantrums for the rest of the day. This shouldn't be happening.
798
00:41:33.159 --> 00:41:35.440
And I realized I was in a suffering state because
799
00:41:35.440 --> 00:41:38.719
this didn't feel useful, this frustration, and so I allowed
800
00:41:38.760 --> 00:41:41.320
that emotion. I just laid there for ninety seconds and
801
00:41:41.360 --> 00:41:45.440
I just felt totally frustrated, and I asked myself, why
802
00:41:45.440 --> 00:41:47.639
am I frustrated? And the brain will always do this
803
00:41:47.679 --> 00:41:51.559
funny thing, which is it will blame your circumstance, But
804
00:41:51.639 --> 00:41:55.119
your circumstance the things outside of you do not and
805
00:41:55.239 --> 00:41:59.119
cannot have never created our emotions. It is only the
806
00:41:59.199 --> 00:42:01.800
meaning we assign to our experience. It creates our emotion.
807
00:42:02.639 --> 00:42:05.079
And so I first said, you know, I'm frustrated because
808
00:42:05.079 --> 00:42:06.840
this holo monkey won't stop howling. It is five fifteen
809
00:42:06.840 --> 00:42:08.239
in the morning, and my kids are not awake, and
810
00:42:08.280 --> 00:42:10.480
they won't go back to sleep, and they're gonna have tantrums.
811
00:42:10.559 --> 00:42:12.119
And I said, wait a second. All those things are
812
00:42:12.119 --> 00:42:14.239
outside of me, and they're also outside of my control.
813
00:42:14.360 --> 00:42:16.679
And their circumstances, which means they cannot create my emotions.
814
00:42:16.719 --> 00:42:19.760
And so what is my thinking about the circumstance? What's
815
00:42:19.800 --> 00:42:22.800
the meaning that I'm assigning? And the meaning that I'm
816
00:42:22.800 --> 00:42:26.800
assigning to my experience is that this is ridiculous and
817
00:42:26.840 --> 00:42:30.679
this shouldn't be happening right now. And now that I've
818
00:42:31.079 --> 00:42:34.280
identified and become aware of this belief and I know
819
00:42:34.320 --> 00:42:36.840
that I'm in a suffering state that I know, holy.
820
00:42:36.559 --> 00:42:41.440
Crap, this is not true. This is glossy. That's crazy.
821
00:42:42.159 --> 00:42:44.760
And I asked myself, knowing that it can't be true
822
00:42:45.039 --> 00:42:46.639
because it's moving me to a suffering stay.
823
00:42:46.679 --> 00:42:47.440
I said, is it true?
824
00:42:47.559 --> 00:42:51.920
Is it ridiculous that a howler monkey is howling in
825
00:42:51.960 --> 00:42:55.159
the middle of the jungle of beliefs in the morning
826
00:42:55.480 --> 00:42:57.440
as the sun comes up in the tree that it
827
00:42:57.480 --> 00:43:00.760
lives in. And I just busted of laughing. I'm just
828
00:43:00.840 --> 00:43:05.000
laying there. I'm like, this is it's ridiculous. I'm being ridiculous,
829
00:43:05.079 --> 00:43:08.079
right And I thought this shouldn't be happening, and I
830
00:43:08.639 --> 00:43:11.159
now I'm here looking for some form of the opposite
831
00:43:11.199 --> 00:43:14.719
that must be true. And I realized that everything is
832
00:43:14.719 --> 00:43:18.199
happening the way it's supposed to, and I immediately returned
833
00:43:18.239 --> 00:43:21.599
to this state of joy so much so that is
834
00:43:22.039 --> 00:43:25.960
I'm having laughter, and I became I returned out of
835
00:43:25.960 --> 00:43:28.360
the ego, back to self, back to who I really am,
836
00:43:28.400 --> 00:43:31.239
because remember, who we really are is the person that
837
00:43:31.280 --> 00:43:33.400
we are when we're in a powerful state. And so
838
00:43:33.639 --> 00:43:36.400
instead of saying, hey guys, hey kids, you know in
839
00:43:36.400 --> 00:43:39.000
the bunk they're above me into my side, I could
840
00:43:39.000 --> 00:43:41.320
have said, be quiet, laid down, close your eyes for
841
00:43:41.360 --> 00:43:43.719
the next thirty minutes, we're not getting up. Yeah, that
842
00:43:43.719 --> 00:43:45.280
wouldn't have been a great experience, and that's not who
843
00:43:45.320 --> 00:43:49.599
I am. Instead, as I returned to who I who
844
00:43:49.679 --> 00:43:52.239
I really am in a powerful state, I said, hey, kids,
845
00:43:52.639 --> 00:43:54.239
do you want to go get your shoes.
846
00:43:54.239 --> 00:43:55.880
Put them on, Let's go look at the monkey.
847
00:43:56.039 --> 00:43:58.360
Let's go try to find them. And we went out
848
00:43:58.400 --> 00:44:02.760
on this beautiful hanging bridge and we see thirty feet
849
00:44:02.760 --> 00:44:05.159
away from us, in the top of this canopy the
850
00:44:05.159 --> 00:44:08.119
haller monkey howling right at us. If you were to
851
00:44:08.239 --> 00:44:09.800
ask my three year old in five year old what
852
00:44:09.880 --> 00:44:12.320
their favorite part of Belize was, that was it.
853
00:44:12.480 --> 00:44:13.639
That was it. That's amazing.
854
00:44:14.079 --> 00:44:17.880
And so sure enough we know that tantrums were inevitable.
855
00:44:18.239 --> 00:44:21.079
They're sleep deprived. And so I'm leading this retreat and
856
00:44:21.079 --> 00:44:24.800
I'm upstairs in the lodge and everyone else is downstairs.
857
00:44:24.840 --> 00:44:26.719
And what I do is I help people learn how
858
00:44:26.719 --> 00:44:29.880
to be deeply present with their family right regardless of
859
00:44:29.920 --> 00:44:33.599
their circumstance. And here's my opportunity to really be challenged.
860
00:44:34.079 --> 00:44:37.000
My son starts throwing a tantrument for forty minutes. It's
861
00:44:37.000 --> 00:44:39.039
this power struggle where he won't listen to me. And
862
00:44:39.079 --> 00:44:41.320
I had sixty seconds worth of content to share with him,
863
00:44:41.519 --> 00:44:43.239
which is that he was running away from my wife
864
00:44:43.239 --> 00:44:46.119
who's holding our hot eighteen month baby and can't catch him.
865
00:44:46.119 --> 00:44:47.800
And when she needs to tell him something, I just
866
00:44:47.800 --> 00:44:50.719
want to tell him. Mom's a queen. We always listen
867
00:44:50.760 --> 00:44:52.679
to her. She'll always help you have more fun.
868
00:44:53.159 --> 00:44:53.639
And he wouldn't.
869
00:44:53.639 --> 00:44:55.880
He wouldn't even come listen to me for sixty seconds.
870
00:44:56.599 --> 00:44:59.159
And he's saying things like you're the worst dad ever.
871
00:44:59.639 --> 00:45:02.639
He's you know, in he's five years old, all of it.
872
00:45:02.960 --> 00:45:04.400
You know, you never want me to have fun, And
873
00:45:04.440 --> 00:45:07.000
I'm like, and why is he doing this because he's
874
00:45:07.039 --> 00:45:08.559
in a suffering state. Is it true that I'm the
875
00:45:08.559 --> 00:45:10.519
worst that ever? Is it true that I never wanted
876
00:45:10.559 --> 00:45:12.400
to have fun. No, but we suffer because we're believing
877
00:45:12.400 --> 00:45:13.840
things that are not true. So we're even seeing this
878
00:45:13.880 --> 00:45:18.559
happen in his little mind, and I just stayed with him,
879
00:45:18.599 --> 00:45:22.199
totally present, in a powerful state being who I was.
880
00:45:22.280 --> 00:45:26.199
Why because I had found the truth that everything was
881
00:45:26.199 --> 00:45:28.840
happening in the way he's supposed to do. How the
882
00:45:28.920 --> 00:45:32.880
monkeys are howling, sleep deprive, five year olds are having tantrums,
883
00:45:33.960 --> 00:45:36.559
and I was okay with it because when we know
884
00:45:36.679 --> 00:45:38.639
the truth, the truth makes us free.
885
00:45:38.840 --> 00:45:40.840
I love it. I think the idea of being self
886
00:45:40.840 --> 00:45:45.400
aware that flows so so well with anyone that's suffering,
887
00:45:45.440 --> 00:45:49.159
with anyone any circumstance, being self aware, I would hope.
888
00:45:49.559 --> 00:45:53.239
I've talked about like childhood wounding before on this podcast.
889
00:45:53.280 --> 00:45:57.719
I've talked about being worn, an anxious or an avoidant state,
890
00:45:58.239 --> 00:46:03.559
you know, attachment styles, and just the act of being aware.
891
00:46:04.679 --> 00:46:07.639
Although it can't necessarily just solve all your problems, that's
892
00:46:07.679 --> 00:46:10.880
the first step. What are we feeling? What are we thinking?
893
00:46:10.920 --> 00:46:14.119
Can we sit with that emotion for ninety seconds? That
894
00:46:14.199 --> 00:46:17.199
self awareness is so critical, So can you give somebody
895
00:46:17.239 --> 00:46:20.840
that's listening, how do they become more self aware, How
896
00:46:20.840 --> 00:46:25.679
can they recognize as quickly as possible just that self awareness.
897
00:46:26.320 --> 00:46:30.239
The healing or the sitting with the emotion, that can
898
00:46:30.280 --> 00:46:32.639
be a different step, but just being self aware. Yeah.
899
00:46:32.679 --> 00:46:35.360
Awareness comes down to two steps. It's there's three phases
900
00:46:35.400 --> 00:46:38.119
of rewiring your brain. And my clients and I, you know,
901
00:46:38.119 --> 00:46:40.519
go deep in and I help them to master this
902
00:46:40.519 --> 00:46:43.400
this framework, in this ability to move out of their suffering,
903
00:46:43.400 --> 00:46:46.400
but also to rewire the belief permanently, so that it
904
00:46:46.440 --> 00:46:48.400
doesn't just move you to a powerful state for a moment,
905
00:46:48.480 --> 00:46:50.960
but it's a permanent change so that you don't have
906
00:46:51.000 --> 00:46:54.360
to keep reframing your thought over and over again where
907
00:46:54.400 --> 00:46:56.920
it's like you know it's true, but you keep believing it. Yeah,
908
00:46:57.320 --> 00:47:00.719
And so your question is what is awareness? Awareness comes
909
00:47:00.760 --> 00:47:04.679
down to two steps, and it is to recognize and
910
00:47:04.760 --> 00:47:09.119
allow your suffering and then to identify the thing that's
911
00:47:09.159 --> 00:47:12.760
causing your suffering. And in order to become really good
912
00:47:12.840 --> 00:47:16.119
at awareness in these two steps, you have to understand
913
00:47:16.199 --> 00:47:19.159
that your circumstances don't create your emotions. And what I
914
00:47:19.199 --> 00:47:23.639
mean by this is that circumstances are neutral, meaning they
915
00:47:23.679 --> 00:47:26.920
don't have an emotional charge. They're not positive or negative
916
00:47:26.920 --> 00:47:29.239
there's not. There's no such thing as a good day
917
00:47:29.480 --> 00:47:34.119
or a bad childhood or a bad like a like
918
00:47:34.480 --> 00:47:37.760
a bad boss. There's a boss, a childhood in a day,
919
00:47:38.039 --> 00:47:39.960
and we assign meaning, which is that this is a
920
00:47:40.000 --> 00:47:42.079
bad day or a good childhood or a bad boss.
921
00:47:42.280 --> 00:47:44.840
And that meaning that we assign to them. To the
922
00:47:44.880 --> 00:47:47.920
things outside of us, our circumstances ultimately creates our emotion
923
00:47:48.639 --> 00:47:53.199
a circumstances, specifically the facts of life. They're outside of us,
924
00:47:53.239 --> 00:47:55.159
and they're the things that we can't control. So this
925
00:47:55.199 --> 00:47:59.719
includes other people. This includes the weather, This includes the past.
926
00:47:59.840 --> 00:48:02.480
You can't change the past. You can't change the weather,
927
00:48:02.760 --> 00:48:05.559
and as much as we try, you can't change other people.
928
00:48:05.639 --> 00:48:06.119
We know this.
929
00:48:06.760 --> 00:48:10.880
And so when you realize that my circumstances aren't creating
930
00:48:10.920 --> 00:48:16.239
my emotions, you now regain your responsibility. And I like
931
00:48:16.280 --> 00:48:18.360
to say, even though it's really triggering in the world
932
00:48:18.360 --> 00:48:21.960
we live in, that you're responsible for everything in your life.
933
00:48:22.079 --> 00:48:24.760
And the mind goes, well, what about the trauma or
934
00:48:24.760 --> 00:48:26.920
what about the abuse, or what about these hard things
935
00:48:26.920 --> 00:48:32.400
that someone might have experienced. You're responsible When you understand
936
00:48:32.639 --> 00:48:37.400
the definition of responsibility, response ability is your ability to
937
00:48:37.559 --> 00:48:42.800
respond that we can respond to our circumstance in the
938
00:48:42.840 --> 00:48:47.000
way that we choose, and we regain that ability to
939
00:48:47.079 --> 00:48:51.559
choose when we stop believing that the things outside of
940
00:48:51.559 --> 00:48:54.079
our control are the things creating our emotions. Because if
941
00:48:54.079 --> 00:48:57.480
the things outside of our control are creating our emotions,
942
00:48:58.800 --> 00:49:01.440
then we're victims. Can't do anything about it because we
943
00:49:01.480 --> 00:49:04.760
can't control it. And so therefore, until the weather changes
944
00:49:05.159 --> 00:49:09.119
because it's raining outside or because it's too hot, I'm miserable.
945
00:49:09.679 --> 00:49:13.119
But the reality is is it's the meaning you're assigning
946
00:49:13.360 --> 00:49:16.239
to that experience that's creating your misery. And so separating
947
00:49:16.239 --> 00:49:18.679
the circumstances from the belief like I did with this monkey,
948
00:49:18.719 --> 00:49:22.960
to say, wait, the monkey isn't the reason why I'm frustrated,
949
00:49:23.239 --> 00:49:26.639
it's my thinking. And so the problem is never the problem.
950
00:49:27.079 --> 00:49:30.639
The problem is always what you're believing about your experience.
951
00:49:31.119 --> 00:49:35.719
Interesting Tony Robbins talks about where he says life isn't
952
00:49:35.719 --> 00:49:39.760
happening you know to you, it's happening for you. And
953
00:49:40.159 --> 00:49:42.199
you know, I've tried to remember that as going through
954
00:49:42.280 --> 00:49:44.639
hard things of like, Okay, if this is happening for me,
955
00:49:45.800 --> 00:49:47.480
then what am I supposed to learn from this? How
956
00:49:47.519 --> 00:49:52.360
do I understand deeper this feeling or significance, and then
957
00:49:52.400 --> 00:49:56.800
being self aware of triggers. For example, the idea of
958
00:49:56.800 --> 00:50:02.280
being triggered. He mentioned something about, Uh, somebody else could
959
00:50:02.320 --> 00:50:04.880
have the exact same experience. Somebody could be driving by
960
00:50:04.960 --> 00:50:07.840
you flipping you off, and one person could laugh it
961
00:50:07.920 --> 00:50:11.840
off that's me and goes crazy and wants to fight
962
00:50:11.920 --> 00:50:15.719
the guy. Right, and so the exact same you know,
963
00:50:15.840 --> 00:50:18.760
influence that came to you would either trigger someone or.
964
00:50:18.719 --> 00:50:21.800
Not so And what's really being triggered in that circumstance
965
00:50:21.880 --> 00:50:27.039
is the meaning of right and that that person we are.
966
00:50:27.119 --> 00:50:30.440
That's that's where we regain our ability to choose. I
967
00:50:30.519 --> 00:50:32.119
love that because I think there's a lot of people
968
00:50:32.119 --> 00:50:35.119
who are who are let's say, struggling in a relationship,
969
00:50:35.400 --> 00:50:38.920
and they're feeling triggered by certain things. Knowing that that's
970
00:50:38.960 --> 00:50:42.840
our responsibility. It takes a lot of self awareness. It's
971
00:50:42.840 --> 00:50:46.519
liberating because otherwise you're pointing at somebody else and somebody
972
00:50:46.519 --> 00:50:49.119
that you can't control, somebody that you can't you can't change,
973
00:50:49.440 --> 00:50:51.679
you can't influence, but you can always you know, even
974
00:50:51.719 --> 00:50:53.840
the past. You can't change the past, but you can
975
00:50:54.000 --> 00:50:55.559
change the meaning you assigned to the past.
976
00:50:56.519 --> 00:51:01.800
Oh that's powerful. Honestly, this is just this, These concepts,
977
00:51:01.840 --> 00:51:06.920
this focus can literally change lives, both men and women,
978
00:51:07.079 --> 00:51:12.079
both children old. I wish that one. I wish I
979
00:51:12.119 --> 00:51:16.159
would have known these things decades ago. I'm sure there
980
00:51:16.199 --> 00:51:18.199
was a level that was taught that I didn't fully
981
00:51:18.960 --> 00:51:23.280
you know, put into my life. And now it's time
982
00:51:23.320 --> 00:51:26.519
to like perfect these pieces and be more self aware.
983
00:51:28.199 --> 00:51:31.519
So thank you for sharing. This has been super, super helpful,
984
00:51:32.079 --> 00:51:35.280
and I hope everybody's listening. Obviously, write comments, tag on
985
00:51:35.320 --> 00:51:37.199
social media, share it if you feel like this can
986
00:51:37.239 --> 00:51:40.159
help somebody else where. Can people find you?
987
00:51:40.480 --> 00:51:44.519
Yeah? I post content on LinkedIn, a funny place called LinkedIn.
988
00:51:44.679 --> 00:51:49.519
I post stories and you know, client experiences and transformations
989
00:51:49.519 --> 00:51:52.960
that you can read and teachings. And I also have
990
00:51:53.239 --> 00:51:55.559
for your guests. I have a free assessment. You can
991
00:51:55.599 --> 00:51:58.760
find it at Mitchwining dot com. And this assessment is
992
00:51:58.800 --> 00:52:02.639
called the Passion, per and Progress Assessment. If anything that
993
00:52:02.760 --> 00:52:06.559
we talked about resonated with you as the listener, then
994
00:52:06.760 --> 00:52:09.559
this experience will resonate very deeply. It's the kind of
995
00:52:09.599 --> 00:52:13.320
experience in this assessment where you get to read in
996
00:52:13.400 --> 00:52:16.679
words the things that you've been experiencing emotionally that are
997
00:52:16.719 --> 00:52:20.079
sometimes hard to put into words, that how you maybe
998
00:52:20.159 --> 00:52:22.639
have been experiencing for the last few years, or maybe
999
00:52:22.679 --> 00:52:25.599
even like many of us, since before the age of seven.
1000
00:52:26.079 --> 00:52:30.000
And it gives you clarity to understand what you're experiencing
1001
00:52:30.039 --> 00:52:32.840
and why you're experiencing it. And then for those that
1002
00:52:33.000 --> 00:52:35.880
you know find in this assessment that it really really
1003
00:52:35.960 --> 00:52:39.280
deeply resonates. The assessment is created in a way that
1004
00:52:39.360 --> 00:52:41.800
those individuals end up getting access to my calendar, and
1005
00:52:41.800 --> 00:52:43.920
I'm happy for any of those individuals to spend a
1006
00:52:43.960 --> 00:52:46.039
free hour with them to get really clear on a
1007
00:52:46.039 --> 00:52:48.400
personal level, to help them get clarity on where they
1008
00:52:48.440 --> 00:52:50.800
are and where they want to be and what it
1009
00:52:50.840 --> 00:52:54.119
would take for them to create a life of deep presence,
1010
00:52:54.519 --> 00:52:57.199
of peace of confidence so they can return to be
1011
00:52:57.280 --> 00:53:00.280
who they really are. To not be chasing success again
1012
00:53:00.400 --> 00:53:02.679
is to get what you want, but to have fulfillment
1013
00:53:02.719 --> 00:53:05.320
and true success, which is to become who you really are.
1014
00:53:06.559 --> 00:53:09.239
Let's become who we really are. I love that. Mitch.
1015
00:53:09.400 --> 00:53:11.400
You guys, it's Mitch Whiting. Go to Mitch Whiting dot
1016
00:53:11.400 --> 00:53:14.559
com take the free assessment. Thank you for being here
1017
00:53:15.079 --> 00:53:18.400
at the Fatherhood Movement podcast. We're here to share goodness
1018
00:53:18.400 --> 00:53:21.199
and light. Hopefully you can help more people around as possible,
1019
00:53:21.239 --> 00:53:22.519
So thank you for being here and sharing