#295 Clearly.

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Speaker 1: The Nicky Glaser Podcast. Here's Nicky. Hello here, I am a Sticky Leser podcast. It's me. I'm the problem. It's me. It is Wednesday, and uh, it's really Tuesday. Where we are? You know, I'm always honest with you. Uh, Andrew's in St. Louis. I'm back in Los Angeles, California. Noah is in Tucson, and um I had to it's ten am here or ten nineteen. We've you know, we started a little late um on the West Coast. I had to do at nine fifteen, I was doing um uh morning radio morning, no morning TV show. You know, these like just daily morning local TV shows for San Diego. Because I'm gonna be in um Harra's in Valley Center. But it's really San Diego, um this Saturday, if you live near there. I can't believe I've been saying Valley Center the whole time. I'm like, who told me to promote Valley Center when it's San Diego? Like, because not everyone who lives in San Diego probably knows Valley Center is near San Diego. It's like this is just these like glitches in my marketing plans. Um. But every casino is in some city that is not the actual city it's in. But I'm in Harris in San Diego this weekend, outside of San Diego. But if you have a car or you know, Uber will go up there. So I don't know what I've been saying. Anyway, I did that. I didn't know it was in San Diego until I did the morning show and I log on today and it's like, you know, good morning, San Diego, and it was a guy and a girl interviewing me. And the guy was a super fan of mine from like Stern and I'm guessing gross and so he was like so excited and the girl was like fine, she was less but less so. And it was funny because they told before in the pre interview, They're like, they're gonna mention in your tour and they're gonna mention welcome home, Nickie Lazer. And I'm like, because I was like not feeling funny this morning, I woke up, I was just like I had no makeup on, I looked puffy faced. I was just like, no one wants, no one's gonna like this interview. I don't even know what it was funny about myself. And then I um, and then I was like, oh, that's funny that they're going to promote a show that's canceled, and so I instilling as soon as I got and I was like, um, well, my reality show isn't coming back, so you can enjoy the first season, but thanks for bringing that, you know, like it was just automatically funny. And then her interview went really well, and the guy was kind of just like gushing, like you need to go back on Stern. They just did a you know, dating show with Drew Barrymore, they should do one with you, and you know, I'm going into it with him and it was fun and he's just like dying at everything I say. It was really nice. And then they say goodbye to me. The Nikki Lazer Catcher this weekend and Harris in San Diego and on Saturday. Ticket still available, here's the link, and they're like buy Nikki, and I wave off and then my screen goes out and then it cuts to them just so low in studio, just like kind of going to a commercial, you know, when the camera kind of like pulls out and they're still miked, and he was like, I just love her, and she goes clearly, oh, clearly that like on screen recording. It was such a good clearly like keep it in your pants, John, we'll talk about this when we get home. Yeah, it was just like she was just like not having it, but it was It was funny. She was probably just like calmed down, you know, or I don't know, maybe there is something there but probably not. They but they were both, or she might have just been like clearly you like, but I run into it as clearly voice. Yeah, it was kind of a dick um, but that was my morning of doing that. It was just like it would have been great if you could have still got a word in, like if you're like, oh yeah, clearly, thanks still here, thank you? Yeah, thank you? Then was it clear Claire clear? Claire clear, Claire um. No. They were both very nice, and they were actually really good interviewers because sometimes they asked too many questions or they get like offended at everything you say. That's the thing with morning TV host is everything you say because they know you're filthy. You know, at points in your career they're just like no and I'm like I just woke up and they're like, we know what that means. You were in a bed with a man getting banged out like everything that you had know that just happened to you. You were talking about it a couple of weeks ago on like a morning show, and you said that you weren't ever going to go back there because they were kind of rude to you and they kept trying to like act funny. Oh, I hope I remember that, because I don't remember. It's not coming to my recollection now, but I hope I remember, so I don't go back there. Um, I had experienced three only with someone a celebrity, where they just really dismissed me and to pay attention to another person they thought was more famous. There's this thing that celebrities do. I've had to happen to me a couple of times, and I can't wait to write a tell all book when these people are dead to tell you who did it. But um, they do this thing where they are so aware of maybe another famous person talking to them who's in the room, that they'll be looking at you having a conversation, and I will ask a question and they will they will have but we will have been in a back and forth. At this point I will ask another question and then the person that is more famous will say something, not even to them, but say something, and so they quickly look over and don't even they hear my question, look at me and don't answer, and then look over at them and try to engage in them. And it is it is the Only embarrassing thing about it is that other people witness it and see you get completely um dismissed. But what do you do there? My friend Robin witnessed it happened to me with a big celebrity once. It's always because there's a fight more of this person next to me, and I didn't the second time it happened. The move is I'm going to be. It makes me want to become so successful because this girl underestimated me and thinks I'm not going to be anything that she has to worry about someday. And when she comes on my show someday to promote something, I'm gonna go, oh, actually, we're not going to have her on. Cancel her. The day before and she's already flown in and gotten and spent two thousand dollars on a stylist and practiced her a little song she's gonna sing, can't come on anymore? Sorry you were you dismissed me. Remember me, Remember me that you thought I wasn't more famous than that girl who had a reality show on E a million years ago that you probably watched and thought was more important than me. Oh remember when you dismissed me? Because you I told I, like mentioned during this long day that I was like taking singing lessons and I wasn't mentioning it like I'm a singer, but I was just like, oh, yeah, I'm you know, I'm you know, I'm not a good singer, but I'm trying, and this person is a singer. And they could not have hated me more for that. Like all of a sudden, it became everything they said was about like I'm a singer. Me and this girl are singers, and you're not a singer. Like we everything it was like suddenly they just became that was the only thing that they wanted to talk about. And I was like and because they knew I was like trying, it was like mean, girls, but I can't wait, Like that's the kind of thing that makes me work hard. It's because I love yeah, yeah, I mean I I don't even want a late night talk show, but I want one so we can book her and then tell her she can't come on, And then she asked why, and I say, oh, let her know that ten years ago we did this show together, and she I asked her a question that I didn't even care about because I was just trying to be nice, because all she seemed to care about was talking about herself. So I asked her question about herself because she didn't give a funk about anyone else. And she looked through me, heard the question, and then look the other way. And I know she heard the question because she followed it up later after she dismissed me. It was wild. Maybe you can set her up to like Ashley Simpson style, like she's a fucking that she's lip sinking in her she's been a liar this whole time, damn it. She's really talented. She actually is very talented, no doubt about it. But I will not have that talent on my show someday. So many like ideas of who it is. I'm sure I know it's probably like no one has any ideas. It was a thing I did months ago, and I purposely waited to talk about it so that you couldn't place it because I've done so many things with so many There's been so many things I've done with singers that you won't be able to place it. But someday I'll tell you when it's proven, when it comes out that she's a racist or something, or she beats her dog, and then I'll go, actually have a good story about this woman who's already canceled. People, she beats your dog, This story doesn't seem that bad. You're like, no, she fucking dis me. Time you can pile on about the bad stuff you know about select is when they get canceled. You can't before that because you risk losing everything. Like the other day, on the podcast that I did Solo, I mentioned that I may have heard Julia Roberts wasn't the coolest person or it was kind of out of touch, And that even scared me to do because I'm like, she that could have if what if that gets back? Like that could affect everything. And yesterday I was going to post a clip of Gwyneth Paltrow getting taken down by this TikToker because she was talking about like nowadays you just can be famous for having no talent and this guy like interrupt, you know, on TikTok where they like interrupt and he's like, excuse me, Gwyneth, I'm sorry this you this, You did nothing to get where you are. You have rich parents, you grew up, you went to private school on the Upper East Side. You are, you have a famous mom, and a famous said you did nothing. You did And then I was like, actually, I kind of seque to this point. She's at least she like studied acting and is talented. She has a talent where she's talking about these people you know who don't have talent. But I honestly think that being funny on TikTok is a talent. There's sometimes I run into people and I'm like, this girl is so fucking funny. Put her. I wish I cast it SNL. I could really make a whole cast out of people obscure people on TikTok. I sometimes just go down a rabbit hole of someone. So I don't know, I'm trying to think of people who models aren't Actually Kardashians aren't talented. That's the thing that that is. I mean they're talented for being interesting and um, I guess, but and that's the oldest, that's the most hackey. Thing you can say is the Kardashians aren't talented, But those are the only people that I can really point to and go there's no there. I mean, they are good models, so I'll give them that. And they're interesting, um, reality show people, and that's a talent too, as I know, since I've been on reality show that's been canceled, so clearly I couldn't do what they did. Um. It was also a different time in TV. The first season of the showing, no one watched it either, except now, if no one watches the first season of sure you show, you get canceled, and back then they would give you an opportunity because that was the way TV worked back then, as they were like, oh they had faith in shows and they left them on air. Um, and so people would you know, you can't gain an audience over one season. So the first season of the Kardashians bombed from what I um made up just now, I don't know that didn't do well? Um, but that is uh did you have you ever felt that way? Like don't you hate when there's a friend of yours? Like I have one friend to who I love this person and they have meant so much to me in my life, throughout my life and been so good to me. And then I got a little bit famous, and boy they got better to me. Suddenly they were like so nice to me. And then yeah, but then if someone more famous walks in the in the comedy cellar, they can't they can't even listen, they can't hear me. It's like that they are so distracted, like they're waiting for their fahitas to arrive, you know, like when you're hungry and you can't focus. That's what it's like when Chris Rock walks in with when I'm sitting across from this person, there is something like in college, because I cheated so much and I was such a disaster that people just thought I was literally a joke, you know, like like they were friends with me, but they like treated me like I was like a gorilla at the zoo, like, oh, Collins here, let's throw shots at his mouth and see him and try to suck his own dick or something something like. And I but a party animal, and that was your you were like they put a coin. Yeah, my whole identity was just being dumb and then dance, yeah exactly. And then you know, I did this for ten years and I finally kind of I guess whatever made it to a point where I'm at and now they're like, oh, yeah, you were always funny, you were all like it does feel different of how they but I guess they respect me more now. But it's also like you couldn't see then that I like was like maybe because I didn't love myself whatever, But yeah, I don't blame them completely, but there is like more like d M s of like random people that I haven't talked to in nine years and they're like, dude, you're coming here to this city. Oh, we should hang out and get drinks. After dude you like like hated me. I think he hates me. You cyber bullied me for on four a O L. You use prodigy um kind of rewarding when that happens, though, you know, no, it isn't you know why because it doesn't. It doesn't make me feel good because it makes me feel like, actually, you know what makes me feel good is that I realized this person that I've built up in my head that didn't like me because they just didn't think it was funny, or they didn't like me because they just thought I was. You know, my mind goes to like not cool, ugly, not pretty, like just not funny. Then I realized, Oh, they didn't like because I wasn't famous enough. They are so they're so shallow, and they're usually a person that I would put on a pedestal, right because I want them to like me. Why don't they like me? They're they're funny, they're cool, they seem to like every one else, and then at some point they start acknowledging me and they don't on Oh my god, this one person on a red carpet once, I'll never forget it. Oh this person I had so many run ins with where they were just dismissive of me. It was on a red I'm not gonna even place it because I just don't ever want it to come back to the person because I'm still scared of them. But carpet them, I was. Yeah, it was a maroon that's a for all the swifties out there. So it was a maroon carpet and she was with her partner, um, and I was by myself. I was completely out of place. You could tell that I was. I was alone. Um, she knows me and too cool for school won't even look at me. And then I'm waiting. Do you do that thing ever where you see someone and you know you're gonna say hi once you see each other, and so you kind of just like wait for them to see you in your periphery. I mean, we were literally three ft ap and I knew she already saw me, and it was getting to the point where it's like, we're gonna have to acknowledge each other. I know she doesn't like me for whatever reason. Come to find out, it's because I'm not famous, because now she's nice to me, but at the time I wasn't. And and I see her see me on the corner of her eye or I I am looking at her for maybe two seconds because I know she's about to turn her head and she'll see me. And then she turns her head and looks at me and goes, okay, just staring at me. High Oh my god, dude, I would be so angry at that. And I was like, oh, I was. I wasn't. I was just waiting for you know, and I was trying to explain it. But it was on the red carpet was so hot out, it was so freaking hot, and I had the skirt on and I was so soaked, and I was trying to make small talk because they were kind of talking about how hot it was, and I was like, it is like a waterfall underneath this of sweat, and she just goes you and I'm just like, oh, cool, Like I cannot in with this bitch totally ignores me, won't be nice, makes fun of me for staring at her. It was just like it was. And then I find and then she's nice to me once I you know, get a little bit more famous, and all I wanted her, she's so cool. All I wanted her was to like me, and now she does, and I'm like, I like too better. When you were consistent, you know, when you just were a straight up cunt across the board. I like, I respected you, I feared you. And now I know you're just as sad as as the saddest, Like you're just you. You care about people's fame like you were. You're supposed to be cooler than that. You're the coolest person ever, and that's where you go. This is sad. And then and I swear to got any comedian or a famous person that you look at and you think they are so above it, and that they like they would not be Google eyed for like a famous person, or they wouldn't change or they wouldn't dismiss you. I promise you they would. I really think that I would not. I you know, you don't oh yourself, but I do not. I definitely get like Gaga eyed for celebrity, there's no doubt about it. But I will not dismiss a lesser celebrity or a lesser or a person I'm talking to, unless they're my friend. I'll be like, oh my god, hold on, I gotta go say something to this guy, like I'll bring you in on it. I'm not going to actually dismiss you, but I will tell you one of the coolest comedians that everyone thinks is the coolest guy there is that and I'm not John Stewart actually wouldn't what I said that, I go, who would I think she's talking about? And I would think John Stewart. John Stewart actually would not probably ignore someone for someone famous. But the other coolest guy that you think just tells it like it is and it's just in everyman and doesn't involve himself with Hollywood is such a climber. They're all climbers everyone. They all would kick you, they would stand upon you to get to get an autograph from someone from you know, uh, Kelly Clarkson, Like this is the level, Like they will or um, you know, uh, someone that they would probable like Kim Kardashian, someone that they would make fun of on stage when that person walks in, they will. And I'm like that too. With Kim Kardashian, I could talk ship. But um, That's that was really disappointing to me was seeing these people that I go, Wow, they're like the they're heroes of like not caring what other people think and not. They just seem like they transcend celebrity. But they all are climbers. That's how they make it. They're all climbers. We gotta go to break. I'll come back with more to Alright, we're back. Um tonight, my mom is coming to town. Um, we're doing a TV show tomorrow and um, I'm excited. Tonight, before my mom gets to town, I'm doing a set um at the comedy store called Comedy on the Spot. And man, I don't want to do comedy on the Spot. Um, it's just watching show and they just give you stuff. I'll be I told him. I was like, he puts up clips to and go, will you not clip this out if I don't do well? Like if I do, I get to have final set. I'm the only way I'm doing the show. And he was like, yeah, that's fine, so I'm gonna do it. But I don't. I don't like being put on the spot, but it'll be fine. I did some crowd work this weekend. It was really fun. It worked out. There was like a guy in the front row with um a girl and I asked, they, oh, he I was doing a joke about short guys and he raised his hand and he's like I'm short. And I go and you're with this girl and he was like no, and I'm like are you guys friends and he was like yeah, and I'm like, oh, well he's in love with you, like and everyone laughed, and I'm like it's just the way it is. Sorry, Like if you're going to a show together and he's like, I'm I have a girlfriend and I go, well, that's a cool bitch to let you go out with this pretty girl, and then um, I'm I go, or are you as mistress? Like I couldn't, and then I started like kind of cracking something that I almost was like, oh, I don't want to out them as and then another person that knew them was like, that's not the whole story, and I was like, we're stopping this, Like I just I got out of it. I didn't even say what she said because I was like, I don't even want anyone to know. I didn't want to bust them. I was so scary. But that's how we feel about crowd work, because sometimes you just you end up talking. Yeah, like like the guy will start talking and the girl gets pulled into it. And I don't like making people who don't want to be talked to feel uneasy. Like Noah, if you were at a show and suddenly someone started talking to you, you would be horrified. Oh horrified. And actually I'm I'm going to see Colin Quinn on Thursday town and um so all the tickets for like the first four rows are like standard tickets, and then after that row it said g A, which is um you know, like so I'm like, wait, I don't want to have to get there when doors open, so I don't, but I also don't want to get a shitty seat, so then I bought the tickets. But now I'm just like, oh my god, I don't want him to see me. How do I become invisible. That's why at the beginning of all my shows, I always say, don't worry, I'm not going to talk to any of you. Like, if you're a girl, then whose boyfriend is dying for me to talk to you, I'm not going to And the guys are always like please. I'm like, I'm not gonna do it because I'm trying. It's not because I'm scared of CrowdWork. I just don't want to make girls like I realized that's it. I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable or have If I start talking to one couple, I don't want the couple next to them to suddenly go like, Hope, please don't talk to me, Please don't talk to me, Please don't talk to me, because I know that feeling. I used to feel that way too when I would go to things like do please don't call on me, please, like the teacher, like, and people are paying money to see me. I don't want to give them a panic attack. It's hard to because like the best people to do CrowdWork with. Isn't the one that really wants to be talked to, because then they try to be funny and then they're like they're not they're not they don't answer real But then you don't want to talk to the tor. There's someone like in the middle, but you know it's in the middle who doesn't care either way, and it's just like not nervous to answer, and is there but is it eager to answer? Yes, that is the best if you are that person, sit up for unt something. If my show is the best show for people with social anxiety to go to, I will never ever the only reason I went to the cross because this guy helped raised up his hand and um, and I immediately as soon as things it's the girl showed that she was a little tense, I just completely left her alone. I'm never gonna make you feel uncomfortable. UM, yeah, I'm super aware of that. And are you excited to have your mom in town? Yeah? I mean stays like, yeah, she's staying tonight and tomorrow tomorrow. Yeah she gets in tonight and then tomorrow night too, and then on Thursday. Uh as doing a show in Santa Barbara at this like nice hotel that she met some fans of mine at a show last tour and they were like, we need to have you come perform at this hotel we own, and um, so they had actually fell they followed through these drunk guys that she was like, there's no way they're going to actually do this. And so we're staying at this amazing resort in Santa Barbara. I'm bringing my mom up. We're getting massages and it's all comped and it's so nice, and we're gonna sing Antihero together I think Taylor Swift Anti Hero and then um, and then I have two shows in California then the next two days, so it's just like a weekend of California and that it's just so nice to not have to get on so many flights and but yeah, but the thing with your parents is like it's the same thing on the show alone. People just get in their heads about how much they miss their people at home, how much they miss their family, how much they can't wait to see them. And then they leave the show and they go home and it's fun. It's like you know, greetings for like an hour it lasts, and then it's back to like taking granted. I always say granted because I'm trying to say the opposite. I really can't say that phrase anymore because I always get it wrong. Um. Even I missed Chris so much this weekend. I told him when he got he got home last night. I got a little bit of an attitude last night because he is working on Beauty and the Beast and it's late nights now because the show is like getting closer. This is what TV production is. You just say goodbye to your loved one and just it's all. It's like he's on the show loan, like I won't see him, He'll get eaten by a bear. Um. And he came home last night. He said he's gonna be home at eight, and then it was eight thirty. No, it was a thirty. Originally was the latest, and then was more likely, and then it was he wasn't home until nine thirty. And I just was like hungry missing him, wanting to see him. And I just got a little bit of a tune and I was like, I did not mad at you. I'm just mad at like time and I missed you. And I even told him that this weekend, I was kind of in like a bomber mood for a little bit of it. Like I was just like kind of down the first day, second day, and and Anna was like, what's going on. I was like, I think I missed Chris. Like I've never been able to miss I've never missed anyone. One. I've never lived with anyone, like in the same bed kind of thing. And um, I just was like sad. And then I told him. I was like, I missed you for the first time ever being on the road. And he was like, okay, that doesn't feel like He was like okay, And I was like And by the third day I didn't miss him anymore because I was like back to this is my life. I'm on the road. I compartmentalize he's there, he's not even for me to hang out with. I can't. It's almost like what I say about when I lose money on something that money was never mine to have, and I'm like, he's not mine to have on Saturday and Sunday. Get out of your head. If you think of your it is like I can't have that person, then you don't miss him as much. But I allowed myself to feel miss and it was nice. Do you miss Brenna when you're on the road. I mean, clearly, I do. I do. It's it's hard especially clear Yeah, clearly, Um I feel does Chris tell you that he misses does he? Like? What's hard is like Brenna will like just be completely honest about being depressed about missing me, and then I feel like so bad about not being there for her, you know, And it's just those guys. I'm just like, can you just tell me that you don't miss like almost I want her to be like, I'm living to my best life. Don't ever come home again, you know. But yeah, of course I miss her. I wish I got to a place where I could bring her more often. I would be fucking awesome. Yeah, but she has to work. Yeah, she has to work like a fucking asshole. Yeah. I can't believe. I know that's the ideal life too. Yeah, Chris was he was like, I missed you too, But he busies himself. He's used to be We're both he said he missed me when he did social things. He's like, I would stay longer at this thing if Nicky were with me, That's what he said. He was like, But when I'm home, just like working on my bike on my computer watching football. I don't know, I don't think. And in the same way like I missed him, Like at the show, it's like I want someone to. I just want to, Like you know, on you would be with the March booth and I would just be like I just want someone to, you know. It would just be like that, or you know, going to bed at night and wanting to and just wanting to watch a lot. I think I just missed the show alone and I couldn't watch you started Love his Mind again like the new not Yet Not Yet. Um, it's last night, but you only came on for one day. Why didn't you fly just too straight? Oh? I guess just to see Brenna. Yeah, and I guess I don't even know. I didn't really think about Oh, because the Alabama thing was real last second. Um, you had already booked the ticket from But I'm saying in Austin all weekend, so I'm pretty excited about that. We're gonna go to like the Texas TCU football game and it's really coming with you. Yeah, she's gonna come on Thursday night and I'm from New York and yeah, it's just like this show's Wednesday. I don't know these weekday shows when you do the weekends, you're like I set it up because I wasn't gonna do weekends and now doing weekends. So it's just like, Okay, now I'm going back to the airport. I'm home for like fifteen hours. But it's good. Are doing weekends maybe occasionally, I mean just randomly, right, but yeah, to have a weekend, Oh yeah, it's gonna be it's gonna be fun. We're staying at a cool hotel and whatever. But um, she picked me up from the airport in her and that was fucking awesome. Like there's nothing better than getting picked up from the airport after a long trip by your girlfriend. And she's like she has Jesus no, Well, I just want to did what did you always say? No, I'm kidding if he had a boner when he hugged her, because you must have, like mr been horny for her. So yeah, like how soon are you just like jumping each other's bones? You know? Me, after a couple of flights, I just want to sleep. I don't even have a boner the next night. It takes a lot of blood to all my blood's gone, I don't know where it goes, stayed up in the air him like, oh no, no, no, no, I mean we got no we it wasn't. It's like it's no, I'm going through a dry spell of my life that is not related to my boyfriend at all. I just don't I don't crave. I gotta stay. I'm too tired for sex. Sex takes too much work, so much physical activity. It's like signing up for a however many minutes it takes. It's too long. It's not too long, it's just too And sometimes I'm just like, I don't know what's going on. We you know it's He even said something in the night like hey, I'm just sensing I'm not taking personally, but like you're not like into and I'm like, I don't know what's going on. It's like, am I going to this age where it doesn't matter to me anymore? Because I still it's still matters. Sometimes I get really horny on planes for some reason, Like I don't know if it's that's where. Not all the time, but sometimes, and please, I think it's like one out of every hundred times, honestly, because that's how often I fly. But that's where it will hit me. Sometimes. I never get horny outside of my boyfriend like touching me or me watching porn. I never am just like triggered by something in the environment except what I'm on planes once in a while one percent of times. So if you see me on a plane, please don't think I'm like getting wet and masturbating. It's not happening. No, not then, because the first class to spread out, I gotta like crumple in a ball to fantasy going. I had a middle seat yesterday and two of the biggest guys ever, and they were like, there's something to get the worst luck on flights, Like, I've never met anyone who has worse people sitting next to him on flights in the middle. What happened to you? What did you Why? Why are you getting a middle late late booking? And you get there and the guys have the can armrests. They already are there before you, and they already have control of the armrest, and you're like, okay, I'm in the middle middle gets the armrest. That's but you don't go over into the other person's seat, but you get the armrest, So I couldn't get the arm rest from the guy on the left, you just wouldn't give it up. The best way to sleep in a middle seat is to pile up your backpack on top of the table tray and then lean forward on top of it, and it uses as a lean to and then like you can go to sleep. And if you pile your sweatshirt too, you want to pile it so high, so much higher than you think. And that's the best way to sleep on a middle seat. It's almost it's better than an aisle. Aisle for me is the worst. You bring it up, though, Should I brought it? Should I go, hey, hey, armrest, middle guy? No, you would never do that. I would even if I thought that was a good idea, I'd know that you would have a million years, especially if they were men. Andrew's terrified of men. I don't think then women are. I think like your top like if you if there's some hot women, you have less like most men want to look cool in front of hot women, but you want to look cool from hot men. And I'm the same way. I don't care about hot men like being cool in front of them, were looking super hot. I care about looking cool in front of women. What is that, Yeah, because I just want we want friends more than or we want social acceptance in the part people that because men are never going to have me in their tribe. They're never gonna invite me to their gatherings, like they're not gonna have me. Really, they're just gonna fuck me if they want me, whereas girls, if they like you, they let they want to be friends with you. That's the thing I think that's it is that I want companionship more than I want to get brailed. Yes, that's exactly what it is. That's exactly even though you have a lot of girl friends, so they do offer you companionship, yea, friends for women not as much. I feel like I I I almost I feel it's attainable to get guy friends, but to fuck these girls. For most of my life, I didn't feel like it was gonna happen anything. Okay, let's get to the news. Oh, oh my god, breaking news. Sorry do you understay the intro? I just can't believe. I just got this text. Are you okay? What's happening? He's trying to plug his computer in. Okay, So I just on my group family chat. My dad just sent a picture of Arlow with his eyes crossed. Okay, and it says underneath Arlow's reaction to mats the ball soup, what what sorry tells anti semitic? I don't know what to make of this. It means it's it's making him googly eyed. He like he likes it. Okay, let me just check the That mean he likes it? Question mark? All right, we'll see um mots ball soup? Definitely what was on best top one? Bottom one? That was Noah's top one. I really want some mot Can you get vegan mots of ball soup? There's no meat in it? Right, well, the chicken stock, but you could probably vegetable stable stock. Yeah. I just want to but you know that ball? Is it? Okay? If I want to just take the ball and hold it in my hand to go. Can you need an egg? Say some our video? What you need an egg in the mots of shit? I'm sure they they definitely have that substances. I didn't say it extra t all right, what's the news today? No? Uh? Where do you get the mats ball soup? I don't know. No, Delhi's around my parents house. Oh that means he does like it. Confirmation We do have breaking news. It does mean he likes it? Okay, good, can you do whenever he wants? That's impressive even to cross eyed. That photo looks very artsy. Also, yeah, he's wearing a striped shirt. I don't know. It just looks very like modern art. Yeah. Yeah, I can wiggle my ears. My party trucks are wiggle my ears. You knows the prayer hands behind my back and back bend and I can cross both eyes. Whoa like on different directions? That's fine? Thanks this way? WHOA this way? So yeah, it makes you look so dumb like that. It's really I did it in my uber the other day. People seem to like it all right, now, what is the news? Jesus Christ, get to it already. Stop you have a yeah, do you a bone or no? Onh when you have a half stop. A TikTok influencer faces criminal charges after hitting a golf ball and allegedly throwing her golf club into the Grand Canyon. Yeah this dumb bit, just she's but she's been charged with tons of things disorderly conduct because of her TikTok's. These people who do think if you see a TikTok where someone is causing disruption or pranking someone or just doing something. Don't watch it, don't give it a view, don't give it a like, just try to stop yourself from watching it, because these people do not need rewards for this stupid behavior and everything staged, and if it's not stage, it's just like a menace to society. Hitting this good girl, I wish she fell in my grand canyon. This girl is nothing. But I don't even know who this girl is. But reading the laundry list of things she's been like charged with and arrested for on TikTok, is it wasn't there a ton of stuff? Noah, Yeah, she's she's just like a disorderly conduct person. Yeah, that's like her. TikTok is just all that stuff. I don't know on TikTok. How often is that stuff coming up for you? Andrew? Where you see stuff that you're like, I don't need this ship. Um, there's like I see a lot of fighting. I guess because I watch it long enough to see the knock out. Watch you don't give something like that. It's hard to Gwyneth Paltrow like saying, none of these people aren't talented, and you're like I'll find the next and out person and we got not from that. This one girliest one she was. This girl was just doing impression of swift ease and it was just a perfect impression. She was like, you know, eighteen and just so funny, and I was like, who is this girl? But um, I was reading this article about TikTok and how it puts up really disturbing content for some people and you can't help but watch it, and then it gives you more disturbing content where like animals are being abused, or people are dying, or people are sharing their stories about like molestation and like just triggering stuff. Like constantly, I am terrified to get on TikTok to see that stuff. I don't want to see, you know, animals dying or getting hurt or I just that's why I never couldn't never watch um tosh point Oh. I just don't want to see people's balls get ripped open because they're you know, that's like so much of what's happening, it's just exploding balls on that show. I hear can cussed TikTok like in other countries. Well, well it's a apparently this is like I don't know if it's just rumored, but in like China, they'll show videos of like kids doing math, and then to us they show kids like dying in a fire to like make us like like like what what the what videos are being seen here? Apparently the video about like having like um it was on Jon Stewart Show someone, which I didn't even know if anyone watched that, but they clipped it out and put it on Reddit, and it was all about you know, socialized healthcare and how people are like I like paying tech says, I pay thirty percent tax and I like paying it because I don't have to go. My kids get their school paid for and they have a great education. I don't have to, Like you get things if you pay taxes other places, and here everyone hates taxes because you don't see the results of it anywhere. It's so fucked other places at the idea that we There was another Reddit the other day that was like why do Americans think? Or it was something about oh yeah, it was a foreigner saying why do Americans think we want to be them? Like it is not that way anymore. Everyone, like it's not unless you're living in maybe like Mexico. It's maybe a dream, but there's no one wants to be here anymore. Like it's embarrassing. There's gonna be people like taking asylum from America. Still the best. Yeah, And there's there's people that are so much more famous than our celebrities. We think our Hollywood is like the best, and it's like there's other there's a there's Stilleberties sometimes online where I'll see them and I go, this person is literally two hundred million followers and I've never heard of her. A girl named Antila or something, no idea who it is, and the most face and she's dates Maluma or someone. I'm just like, yeah, so famous, so much more famous than our Kardashian like famous and we have no idea who they are. Our world is so small. We gotta go to space. Okay, no, what next? Okay next one? Alright, A good night's sleep can make us more empathetic, more creative, and better partners. A psychologist offers tips to get a good night's rest. Let's see him alright, So during the day, instead of reaching for a caffeine, plunge your head in the freezer. The brief shock of cold activates your arousal system. Yeah, cold showers wake you up, cold splash on the face, head in the freezer. Oh man, this guy died in a freezer the other night in Brooklyn. Did you see that story? Was Queen Donut Place, and he was cleaning the freezer overnight and he got trapped in at three am. By six am he died. And he was a you know, immigrant, working hard and like just got caught in this freezer. And it's just so sad. Um It's okay, So stick your head in a freezer to wake up. So these are things to get a good night's sleep. Oh so, don't have caffeine because caffeine will prevent good night's sleep. Yeah, most people end up having caffeine in their systems as they go to sleep if they drink it through the day. Also another good one during the day, carve out time for scheduled worry. So instead of waking up in the middle of the night's starting to worry about stuff, if you schedule time to worry during the day, you might prevent it from I think that's what meditation is. Honestly, Yes, they sat meditation and it was twenty minutes of Nike me Sometimes focusing on my breath for like two seconds, and then obviously then I would go off on a worry tangent. And then by the end of it, because you're stuck in your brain and it's just you get to work some ship out, and then by the end of it, I was just much more calmer. I think meditation people have it as like you've got to be still minded and I'm gonna be thinking the whole time. That's what it is. That's what it is. And uh, it seemed like I was doing it to just like let's just get all let's let's run into the fire, let's run into the freezer and see what's in there, and then get through it and not get locked out. Um yeah, because I'm not. I haven't been meditating at all. You know. I meditated for two years straight, every single day, sometimes twice a day, and then I took I've been on a break for years. Now I'm getting back into it and I just needed it yesterday and it was just me thinking the whole time and just worrying and just working out about all the things I'm stressed out about, and it actually helped. So um, okay, So what are some others another one, declutter your bedroom, remove all unfinished tasks. Like if you have like a pile of dirty laundry, just put it in another room so you don't look at it before, oh okay, or put in the corner of your room one of the four corners, Like that's is true. Like when I have a really mess room, it's harder for me to sleep. That truly checks out. Yesterday I came home and um, Chris had hired a cleaner for our apartment, and I walked into a spotless, like the incredible clean apartment that I didn't even recognize this airpob that we are stinging and uh. They even made my weighted blanket that is on our bed into a bow, like they squeezed the middle of it so it was just a big bow on our bed. It was so cute, and I slept so nicely because it was just crisp and cool and it felt like I was in a hotel. Yeah, there's something about that. Also, if you have like a worry mind, you're just gonna be thinking about like somehow that those clothes on the floor is going to be part of your dream. It's in your head somewhere that you're in the room, clean, go away, I guess, but that just feels like something's unfinished. I just think the idea is like something's unfinished in your house, and that's why you're not gonna be able to sleep perfectly. I know, anyone ever have everything to a podcast about time management and they found that it is people that have no time for anything, and um uh, the you know their their whole schedule is boom blah boh boah boom. They are miserable, okay, and then the more time people have, they get happier and happier and happier happier, and then the people with all the time in the world, it goes back to miserable. So it is as just as miserable as people that have. So it's a it is about a balance of like that's why four days into a vacation you're kind of just like I kind of don't like doing nothing, like I gotta that's why the pandemic made us all crazy, Like having nothing isn't good, but man, the idea that something is coming, Like I have a photo shoot tomorrow and it's already stressing me out because I have no shoes. I think when they do it like bare feet, just because I don't have any shoes to where I didn't bring enough here. Um, and that's what my that's my stress today is that I have a photo shoot tomorrow on top of filming a show, and then I've said to night my mom's in town, and I don't have shoes or cute clothes for it, and I could hire my stylist, but it would be thousands of dollars and I just don't want to do it. So what do I do? Put out a Instagram story of best shoes to wear with this dress? I don't know. Do something that's Julie's shoes, but then I have to get shoes. Julie wears size six and a half and I'm a nine and a half, so that ain't gonna shoes. That's actually a good idea. Probably, it's just being a woman is garbage sometimes everyone the bound of shoes you have to have for different outfits. If I were a guy, I could just wear one pair of shoes and change out my pants. Chris was tying on stuff the other night and I was just like, this is so easy. We're at the store, like you went, you went shopping. No, he bought a bunch of stuff from Bonobos and was doing a little fashion show here and I was just like, that looks good. That looks good. That looks good. And it's all just muted colors, the same shirt and different colors, the same pants, different colors like one of them. It's so fucking easy. And I know it's not easy for all men, Like some guys don't know what the funk they're doing. But women, you've got to have, you know, the jewelry to match the thing, like and I know you don't have to, but man, it ups your look. Man, it ups your look. All right, we gotta go to break. We'll come back with more bitching and monan after it is. We're back. Um, My mom just wrote me. By the way, Nikki, did you happen to buy a lottery ticket? Because two billion dollar one was in Los Angeles County and they haven't found the winner. But no, yeah, two billion dollars someone one that Jack bought. Yeah, I know, I know it's so much money. Um, but no it was it wasn't me, It wasn't me. Um, all right, let's do it's been a while. Let's do. Um, it's been a while. Um, Why do I care? Why do I care? Right now, it's our celeb story of the Day, Sleb Story of the Day, newly crowned People's Sexiest Man Alive. Chris Evans jokes he's already feeling his age getting older. Things are clicking and sore and it's harder to wake up. Yeah, i'd say things are clicking. You just got People's Sexiest Man Alive. Things are clicking? What if? First of all, I don't agree, no offense to Chris Evans. He is not a hot guy that has ever been on my radar. I love hot guys. I even told Chris last night. I was like, I don't get this one. He is such a plain Jane. There's nothing about him that's interesting. It's just so blamed one feeling it. No, you feel it at forty one a little bit how you feel things clicking and sticking. But like, um, okay, so he's getting older, but he's he looks better with age. I have to say that as the and he did when he was in his twenties and he was in like, um, not another team movie or whatever. I just have never been attracted to him. You know, who is a guy that looks like him, who is does have that next level hotness? What's his name? From Top Gun? The blonde guy from Top Gun looks like Chris Evans, but like has a hotness to him, the one that we thought like like a chocolate bunny. Yeah, the one that you thought it was card chocolate. Chris Evans looks like he's card of chocolate. To me, its like he's too like America. He's just the American may man. Like if you think of like someone blue eyes just I don't, you know, but I don't. He's just like very American. He's just you know what I want in my blond, boring white men. I want to cris Pine. There's like structure to his face, there's piercing blue eyes. There's like full lips. I don't want. I don't want to. Um. Who's the guy that Katie Holmes dated? Who is in? Um? Not? I know what you did? Lest or maybe he wasn't. Freddy Prince was a great looking guy. But this guy, he was an election He's just kind of like and he was an American pie. Remember that guy. Oh Stiffler, No, Stiffler is a great looking blonde guy. This guy isn't blonde. American pie. He was like the jock guy. Hold on, Chris Pine is a is A is a more interesting looking Chris Evans, Kleine, Chris Klein boring looking, that's what that. Chris Pine and Chris Klein and Chris Wait the same to me. Yes, I see that. They're just it's boring. And I have a boring face too. I mean it takes one to no one, so it's it just doesn't do it for me. Um, sexiest man of life? Who would you, guys say it's like to win like Tom Hardy because you want to Who Tom Hardy? Okay, I've never really gotten into one, but really I like drugged. He's not He looks like a model, but he's just awful. He's cauliflower either. He looks no what No, this guy? Yes, he does not. Maybe that was one of his ears, is coming out too far and not that that's a horrible thing. And his I think his nose is I don't like his nose. He just looks like a normal person that you would see. He'll be mine. He's too normal. No, I mean they're that's a sexy man right there. Let me see. He kind of looks like I think that is a basic guy. That's a guy that put on the suit that just that guy could manage a quiz nose. No, that guy is not special. There's nothing special about the guy's looks. I will not allow it. But Tom Hardy, if you're listening, you are special to me. What about someone like sashr like something outside the box. It's not like you sexiest man alive? No, yeah, I mean, are you going to go with didn't want his name just went and Paul Rudd just one recently? Yeah, he won last year. I get that. But Paul Rudd again, it is just that all American look. He looks like Chris Evans. If Chris Evan has never worked out like they k that'd be hot. I guess, yeah, I mean it'd be weird to be mine. Now, I guess mine is probably God who is just like brand It mean Cole from Blunt Love is Blood he's so cute. No, he's a cutie. Um Clay from season eight of Alone. Holy moly, I had to tell Chris, I'm like, I am attracted to it? Is it weird to be watching a show with your boyfriend and just you feel so attracted to one of the people you have to let him know. Like if I was watching with my girlfriend, I'd be like, I like, I can't get over it. Like I had to tell him. So Clay at the beginning about the feelings built, and I was like, I'm keeping this to myself. And then it felt like it was eating a secret from him because every time Clay would come on screen, and so now it's a joke with us. Every time Clay does ever anything, I'm just like, he is just so strong he is, he's poetic, like he misses his I'm just like he mentions his wife and I like growl. Um. Yeah, it's become like a joke for us. But I felt like I felt like I was cheating on him with my thoughts by watching the show with him and not telling him how I felt about Clay. Um, all right, let's get to our Wednesday segment that Noah has come up with. I love this idea, it's new, it's fun, let's do it. Okay, this segment is called finish the Taylor Swift Lyric. I'm going to read a Taylor Swift lyric and you guys are going to finish it with your own interpretation, with our own words. So we're not guessing what the It's not like this is a guessing game of like how well do you know Taylor Swift's lyrics? This is like how would you finish the song if you were talking? Yes, okay, this is gonna be okay. So first one, they say, all's well, that ends well, but I'm in a new hell. Um let me just add the word every time every time you every time you so she's talking to someone, so they say, all's well, that ends well, but I'm in a new hell. Every time you blank um mine would be asked me to go hiking. Oh, we don't have to sing it. It's just all's well, that ends well, But I'm in a new hell. Every time you asked me to go outside, you said, if we stopped it ari I, we could get some good supplies. That would make it so. I didn't want to die. The idea of you and me on a cliff is disgusting it. I don't want to do it. Now, let's watch alone and did I want to watch people being outside? I don't want to do it. Please don't make me ted. I forgot your name is Chris okay Cline? Okay, Andrew? What makes you want to die or what's your I'm in a new hell every time you asked me to go shop being because we never just get one thing. I like to go in and out. I don't want to sit there while you try on forty things. Seriously in the store. Does she like you to look at her in different things? Does she need your support? Why does she not just go by herself? Because I think that is probably it. He likes when I sit down when I have this ship, I gotta find one in north rooms? Is it all the way to the left. Oh it's to the right. Oh my god, I'm gonna ship. Oh my god. I feel shopping with my part. It's so boring. He takes longer than me. I go into stores and then I see a shirt, I put it over my shirt that I am wearing in store. I don't go and try it on in a dressing room because I know the lightning will be shipped and I'll look like I'm on zoom. Yeah. I hate going shopping too. And Chris takes longer than me. And it's not it's he's it's not like he's like torturous, but I end up being like sitting on the couches with the guys that are waiting for their wives. He likes shopping like and taking his time and trying on things and being meticulous. And I just don't like you. Well, you want these nikes and they're a champs. Let's let's do it. That's fun. Let's go. We'll go there. That's shopping is to women, shopping is like let's see what's out there and see what's but and I do night shopping. I know it went shopping. Um. We went to the vintage store that was so successful. Did that mini skirt work just for home use? And a black miniskirt? What happened? For just like a black mini skirt? He did have a boner. I was looking for a black mini skirt for I don't know how many months that I didn't like spend too much money on because I don't like wearing mini skirts in public. We walk into this vintage shop. Nikki is in there for less than two seconds and she's like, here you go. It really was the first thirties. I'm so fast, I'm just so efficient, but I you know, we were there. I got a really cool belt with stars on it. I got some pants that I like that I love too, So I do like shopping, but I like vintage shopping, and that's where you go. And I don't know what I'm gonna find, but mall shopping, retail shopping. When I just see everything as a future landfill, it makes me want to Okay, next to the next one, how do we end up on the floor anyway? You say? Okay, so this is um. Your boyfriend or your girlfriend asked you, how do how do we end up on the floor anyway? You say? And then what do you say? Um? Wait again, no, she asked that. So you asked, how do we end up on the floor anyway? And then what do they say? Or let's do it the other way? They ask you? How did you Yes, that's how I imagine you guys are on the floor. Okay, so we're on You're on the floor with your significant other okay, okay, okay, and in the morning and then you, um, they asked, how did we end up on the floor anyway? You say? And then what do you say? I started drinking again and I'm sorry. I had a few yeager bombs. It was my way and now I just fucking PiZZ I bent down to pet our cat Nacho that's how, or whatever you cat say, mango, that's how. And now I can't get up now because I'm like Chris Svans sucking we I'm like Chris Evans because like I can't get up either. You know, we're so alike your creaky bones. Have you ever started having sex on your bed and you end up on the floor somehow? That's happened like twice in our relationship, and it's really five year old, sneaky fucking a. I know, I don't. I don't think we've ever ended up on the floor. Um, actually no, that's not true. We have, but that was when we were um because there, yeah, that we've ended up on floor. It's been so long though since it's been like that. I did read a thing on Reddit yesterday that was like, just know that anytime you go over someone's house and you're on their couch, they've had that couple has had sex on that of that, and I was like, Yeah, I used to have a couch and my roommate had sex on my couch before I did. You had sex with the couch. That's different. That comes inside the couch, thank you, that's on top of it. Has he said that when he was a kid, he used to stick his dicken between the couch cushions and that's how he would smart. I don't understand why more people wouldn't do that. Um, how did that end up on the floor? Anyway? Um, we're staying at an Airbnb and the table is small and that's the only place we could eat our tie. So that's why I'd be on the floor with my boyfriend probably is eating food or or Yeah, but I can't see us having sex on this floor. It's very rough and hard and not maybe next lyric. Yeah, we Yeah, if we started on the floor, we'd end up in the basement. Have you banged on that couch behind your shoulder? No? Not yet? Have not? Someone at that airbnb? Has that made me feel sad? When I read the thing, I was like Chris and I haven't Christ And that fucking love seat it's not a love seat yet, love seat on this face? Okay, alright? This next lyric comes from Nothing New, which features Phoebe Bridgers. Phoebe Bridgers. Yeah, and I know it's sad, but this is what I think about. I wake up in the middle of the night, what do you think about? And I know it's said probably what exactly what that song is about, which is being replaced by younger women. Um, but mine is actually what do I wake up in the middle night thinking about, um, the photo shoot I have to do the next day and how much sleep I'm not going to get before just looking at my week and worrying about it. Isn't it funny you wake up in the middle of night when you could be sleeping, to worry about how much sleep you're not going to get the coming days. That's what I worry about. I worry about how Um, I'm going to have to cancel a meeting that I do the next day and postpone it, which is what I'm going to do right after this meeting or where I'm this meeting, this podcast, I'm going to postpone a meeting that I don't want to have because I just don't have any thing to really say yet on the matter. And um yeah, and then I'm gonna go crawl back in bed, and uh, it's a clean room, so I'm gonna sleep. Well, what about you, Andrew, what do you worry about the middle of the night. Probably it depends. But if I have to do something in the morning. I tend to worry about waking up in the morning, which then keeps me up at night, which is fucking annoying. So like a flight or yeah, something that you can't get out of, uh tea time I feel anything that I feel like I can't get away from. If I feel trapped by any means I'm very bad. That's just in anything in my life. But yeah, yes, that and probably like yeah that and just I don't know, there's so many sad fucking things going on in the world. How can you sleep perfectly? I always wonder how people. Oh no, I sleep all the way through tonight. I never would like how never I wake up in the night. But I don't. I really don't wake up to worry. I don't. I I don't think I said that. But I wake up to go to the bathroom, and then I just go back to bed. It's rare that I don't just go back to see you look at your phone when you go to the bathroom, well you, because I'm usually it's still tired. Yeah, I just wake up bleriod and I just go to the bathroom and then I just kind of go back to bed, and I look at the time and then I just fall back asleep. Okay, if you have to pee or poop, do you what do you do in the middle of the night. No, that's never happened. What what wait? Wait, You've never I've never had to wake up in the middle of the night and had to poop. Ever, literally, ever, my body just knows that it's not time in the middle of the night. That's just it wouldn't happen for me. You've never had bubble guts in your stomach and you're like, oh no, I can't wait. Wait the morning. I've never really poop in the morning either. It's always like after I have like it'll be after this podcast that it's like time for me. Wow in the night? Man? Really yeah, but I was going to ask if you turn the light on or do you just ship in the dark, or do you pee in the dark? No? I turned it depends. I can do both though it doesn't wake me up to turn on the light too much. Just don't look at your phone. Don't go back in your phone. It's gonna wake you up. It's almost like you want to stay up, like you guys gotta You're only up to give the bathroom and then get back in your little sleeping bag. Alright, final thought, Let's do one more. And now that I'm grown, I'm scared of and now that I've grown, I'm scared of the show alone. No, I don't know what I'm scared of now, And now that I'm grown, I'm scared of um not being as talented as people think I am, or that I've tricked everyone into thinking I am grown. I'm scared of people having expectations for me and not meeting them. And now that I'm grown, I'm scared of comedians talking behind my back and saying I'm not that funny. And now that I'm grown, I'm scared of um people making fun of me. And now that i'm grown, I'm scared of my skin falling off my face. And now that i'm grown, i'm scared of um just aging. And now that i'm grown, I'm scared of my hair falling out. And now that I'm grown, I'm scared of not having cut of clothes. And now that I'm grown, I'm scared of all the same thing not scared of when I was young. What about you? Grown, I'm scared I can't get hard without a pill. Okay, that's it for us. You guys, thank you for listening to the show. We will be back tomorrow with one more show for throughout out the we I love you guys so much. See you this weekend hopefully, and don't be Cat and Jack. But because I couldn't think of anything else. Yeah classic. It feels like a nice pot today, Yeah yeah, Jack pottery