# 183 - The Elevator Effect: Why Brief Encounters Can Leave Lasting Impressions

WEBVTT
00:00:00.719 --> 00:00:01.919
Imagine this.
00:00:02.160 --> 00:00:04.160
It's the end of a long day.
00:00:04.400 --> 00:00:10.320
You're standing in the lobby of a hotel, an office building, or perhaps a hospital.
00:00:10.640 --> 00:00:13.199
Your mind is somewhere else entirely.
00:00:13.679 --> 00:00:25.039
You're thinking about the conversation you had earlier, the email you still haven't answered, the appointment tomorrow, the dinner you haven't planned.
00:00:25.440 --> 00:00:31.679
You're physically standing in the lobby, but psychologically you're everywhere else.
00:00:32.159 --> 00:00:34.000
The elevator arrives.
00:00:34.240 --> 00:00:35.759
You step inside.
00:00:36.159 --> 00:00:37.759
Someone is already there.
00:00:38.320 --> 00:00:42.399
You offer the obligatory half smile, and they smile back.
00:00:42.799 --> 00:00:47.200
For a moment, the two of you stand in silence, facing the doors.
00:00:47.679 --> 00:00:50.479
Then the stranger notices the book in your hand.
00:00:50.719 --> 00:00:52.960
Oh, I love that book, they say.
00:00:53.200 --> 00:00:56.799
You look down, you'd almost forgotten you were carrying it.
00:00:56.960 --> 00:01:00.880
You tell them you've been reading it slowly because you don't want it to end.
00:01:01.119 --> 00:01:03.359
They laugh, I do that too.
00:01:03.679 --> 00:01:06.560
And just like that, the conversation begins.
00:01:07.200 --> 00:01:17.840
Perhaps you talk about the author, perhaps the stranger recommends another book, perhaps unexpectedly, the conversation turns towards something more personal.
00:01:18.560 --> 00:01:29.040
You discover that you both grew up in the same city, or that you both have a fondness for old bookstores, or that you've each been thinking about the same unusual question.
00:01:29.760 --> 00:01:31.760
The elevator slows.
00:01:32.079 --> 00:01:35.359
A soft chime announces the seventh floor.
00:01:38.239 --> 00:01:40.159
The stranger steps out.
00:01:40.560 --> 00:01:42.959
Enjoy the rest of the book, they say.
00:01:43.359 --> 00:01:44.319
You smile.
00:01:44.640 --> 00:01:46.079
Thank you, I will.
00:01:46.480 --> 00:01:48.079
The doors close.
00:01:48.799 --> 00:01:50.159
And that's it.
00:01:50.560 --> 00:01:52.879
You never exchange names.
00:01:53.120 --> 00:01:56.959
You don't ask for a phone number, you never see this person again.
00:01:57.120 --> 00:02:01.359
Yet years later, you might still remember that conversation.
00:02:02.079 --> 00:02:04.719
You might remember the stranger's voice.
00:02:04.959 --> 00:02:06.959
You might remember the book.
00:02:07.280 --> 00:02:12.879
You might even remember the precise moment when the elevator doors closed.
00:02:13.280 --> 00:02:13.919
Why?
00:02:14.319 --> 00:02:20.000
Why do some encounters last only seconds but remain with us for years?
00:02:20.400 --> 00:02:27.199
Why can someone who knows almost nothing about us leave such a memorable impression?
00:02:27.919 --> 00:02:36.159
And why do we sometimes feel unexpectedly comfortable talking to people we'll probably never see again?
00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:43.120
Welcome back to the Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast, where inner work meets everyday life.
00:02:43.360 --> 00:02:44.319
I'm your host, Dr.
00:02:44.400 --> 00:02:45.599
Allison Sucamelli.
00:02:46.080 --> 00:02:54.240
And today we're exploring something I'm calling the elevator effect and why brief encounters can leave lasting impressions.
00:02:54.800 --> 00:02:58.879
Now, there is already an elevator effect in discussions of social behavior.
00:02:59.120 --> 00:03:12.080
It describes something you have noticed when people step into a crowded elevator, conversation often stops, eyes turn toward the floor numbers, and everyone becomes a little more aware of the space they share.
00:03:12.400 --> 00:03:19.120
And while this is a fascinating idea, it isn't the elevator effect that I want to explore today.
00:03:19.439 --> 00:03:28.400
In this episode, the elevator effect is going to be our metaphor for exploring several fascinating areas of social psychology.
00:03:28.639 --> 00:03:33.199
I'm using the elevator as a metaphor for our inner lives.
00:03:33.520 --> 00:03:36.080
We move through different emotional floors.
00:03:36.319 --> 00:03:39.520
Sometimes we rise into clarity or connection.
00:03:39.680 --> 00:03:45.280
Sometimes we descend into fear, grief, or an old story we thought we had left behind.
00:03:45.840 --> 00:03:51.599
And sometimes the doors open on a floor we never intended to visit.
00:03:52.080 --> 00:03:54.879
So today we'll stop at five floors together.
00:03:55.039 --> 00:04:00.479
And as we do, I want to ask a gentler question than why am I back here?
00:04:00.879 --> 00:04:05.120
Instead, let's ask, what might this floor be showing me?
00:04:05.520 --> 00:04:09.840
And on each floor, we'll examine a different dimension of human connection.
00:04:10.080 --> 00:04:19.360
We'll explore weak ties, the psychology of talking to strangers, self-disclosure, memory, and the ethics of temporary encounters.
00:04:19.600 --> 00:04:28.000
And along the way, we'll visit the world of literature, step into a Richard Linkletter film, and meet a messenger from Greek mythology.
00:04:28.639 --> 00:04:38.720
Because sometimes the most interesting psychological discoveries happen not in the major relationships of our lives, but in the spaces between them.
00:04:39.120 --> 00:04:41.199
So let's step inside.
00:04:42.319 --> 00:04:44.639
Welcome to the first floor.
00:04:44.879 --> 00:04:47.120
Let's begin with a question.
00:04:47.600 --> 00:04:52.000
When you think about the people who matter in your life, who comes to mind?
00:04:52.399 --> 00:04:56.160
Perhaps your closest friends, your family, your partner?
00:04:57.040 --> 00:05:04.240
The people who know your history, understand your humor, and recognize the subtle changes in your mood.
00:05:04.560 --> 00:05:11.279
These are the relationships we tend to associate with connection, and understandably so.
00:05:11.759 --> 00:05:14.639
But what about everyone else?
00:05:14.959 --> 00:05:19.519
What about the woman who works at the coffee shop you visit every Thursday?
00:05:19.759 --> 00:05:22.959
The neighbor whose dog always stops to greet you?
00:05:23.199 --> 00:05:26.879
The librarian who remembers which authors you enjoy.
00:05:27.199 --> 00:05:31.120
The person you see at the gym but whose name you've never learned.
00:05:31.439 --> 00:05:35.759
What role do these people play in your psychological life?
00:05:36.319 --> 00:05:44.560
In 1973, sociologist Mark Granovetter published a landmark paper titled The Strength of Weak Ties.
00:05:44.879 --> 00:05:51.680
And Granovetter examined how social relationships connect individuals to larger networks.
00:05:52.000 --> 00:05:59.519
And he distinguished between strong ties, such as close friendships, and weaker ties, such as acquaintances.
00:05:59.759 --> 00:06:08.639
And his central argument was that weak ties can serve as bridges between social circles that might otherwise remain disconnected.
00:06:09.120 --> 00:06:11.120
And think about that for a moment.
00:06:11.360 --> 00:06:15.439
Your closest friends often know many of the same people you do.
00:06:16.079 --> 00:06:17.920
Think about that for a moment.
00:06:18.160 --> 00:06:22.240
Your closest friends often know many of the same people you do.
00:06:22.639 --> 00:06:27.680
You may share similar environments, information, and experiences.
00:06:28.160 --> 00:06:33.279
An acquaintance, however, might introduce you to an entirely different world.
00:06:33.600 --> 00:06:38.879
A former coworker might tell you about an opportunity you never knew existed.
00:06:39.199 --> 00:06:45.120
Someone you meet at a conference might recommend a book that changes your understanding of a subject.
00:06:45.360 --> 00:06:49.199
A neighbor might introduce you to a community organization.
00:06:49.759 --> 00:06:56.240
And the importance of these connections lies partly in their ability to bridge different social networks.
00:06:56.560 --> 00:07:03.040
Granovetta's original theory wasn't specifically about the emotional significance of brief encounters.
00:07:03.279 --> 00:07:09.120
It was about social networks, information, and the connections between groups.
00:07:09.439 --> 00:07:18.639
But it invites us to reconsider the assumption that the most familiar people are the only ones who influence our lives.
00:07:18.879 --> 00:07:29.040
And later research explored a related question: can our everyday interactions with acquaintances contribute to our happiness?
00:07:29.680 --> 00:07:39.279
In 2014, psychologists Gillian Sandstrom and Elizabeth Dunn published research examining social interactions and well-being.
00:07:39.839 --> 00:07:50.480
In one study, university students reported greater happiness and feelings of belonging on days when they interacted with more classmates than usual.
00:07:51.040 --> 00:07:59.120
Additional studies found associations between interactions with weak ties and social and emotional well-being.
00:07:59.439 --> 00:08:06.000
These findings suggest that peripheral relationships can contribute to our sense of connection.
00:08:06.399 --> 00:08:15.199
They do not establish that every interaction will improve our mood or that weak ties replace close relationships.
00:08:15.759 --> 00:08:18.560
Now let's bring this into everyday life.
00:08:18.879 --> 00:08:21.519
Imagine walking into your favorite coffee shop.
00:08:21.680 --> 00:08:23.120
The barista looks up.
00:08:23.360 --> 00:08:25.199
Good morning, the usual.
00:08:25.600 --> 00:08:26.399
You smile.
00:08:26.639 --> 00:08:27.680
Yes, please.
00:08:27.920 --> 00:08:30.480
It's a 10-second interaction.
00:08:30.959 --> 00:08:38.240
No profound conversation, no exchange of personal histories, nothing particularly dramatic.
00:08:38.480 --> 00:08:40.559
And yet something happens.
00:08:40.879 --> 00:08:42.799
You are recognized.
00:08:43.039 --> 00:08:50.799
In another 2014 study, Sandstrom and Dunn examined brief interactions with coffee shop employees.
00:08:51.120 --> 00:09:02.080
Participants who engage in a genuine social interaction reported more positive feelings than those who approached the transaction as efficiently as possible.
00:09:02.879 --> 00:09:09.679
The researchers also found initial evidence that feelings of belonging helped explain this difference.
00:09:10.159 --> 00:09:12.559
Notice what makes this interesting.
00:09:12.879 --> 00:09:17.440
The interaction didn't require a deeply personal conversation.
00:09:17.919 --> 00:09:20.240
It didn't require friendship.
00:09:20.480 --> 00:09:29.200
It simply involved treating another human being as a person rather than exclusively as part of a transaction.
00:09:29.840 --> 00:09:31.600
Now I want to be careful here.
00:09:31.840 --> 00:09:35.440
This doesn't mean we should demand friendliness from service workers.
00:09:35.679 --> 00:09:42.879
It doesn't mean a person who is tired, overwhelmed, anxious, or simply uninterested in conversation needs to engage.
00:09:43.360 --> 00:09:48.879
And it certainly doesn't mean that every stranger deserves access to our attention.
00:09:49.279 --> 00:09:52.639
But the research raises a beautiful question.
00:09:53.200 --> 00:10:00.799
How many small opportunities for connection exist within the ordinary architecture of our days?
00:10:01.279 --> 00:10:09.440
And we often imagine belonging as something enormous, a family, a community, a lifelong friendship.
00:10:09.679 --> 00:10:13.360
But perhaps belonging also has smaller expressions.
00:10:13.759 --> 00:10:20.159
Someone remembers your name, someone holds a door, someone notices that you've returned.
00:10:20.399 --> 00:10:25.440
Someone offers a brief moment of kindness without expecting anything in return.
00:10:25.919 --> 00:10:33.919
These moments may not transform our lives, but they can contribute to the social texture of an ordinary day.
00:10:34.320 --> 00:10:36.960
And there's another distinction worth making.
00:10:37.200 --> 00:10:42.480
The barista who recognizes you every morning is an acquaintance or a weak tie.
00:10:42.879 --> 00:10:46.960
The person who shares an elevator with you once is a stranger.
00:10:47.279 --> 00:10:50.399
They're not psychologically identical.
00:10:50.960 --> 00:10:56.159
A recurring acquaintance offers familiarity and continuity.
00:10:56.639 --> 00:11:02.080
A stranger offers the possibility of an entirely new encounter.
00:11:02.399 --> 00:11:06.159
Both are worth examining, but for different reasons.
00:11:06.399 --> 00:11:09.919
Which brings us to the second floor.
00:11:12.960 --> 00:11:17.279
This time, imagine you're standing on a train platform.
00:11:17.679 --> 00:11:19.440
You've had a long morning.
00:11:19.759 --> 00:11:24.080
You board the train, find an empty seat and settle in.
00:11:24.320 --> 00:11:26.159
Someone sits beside you.
00:11:26.399 --> 00:11:27.679
They seem friendly.
00:11:27.919 --> 00:11:30.399
Perhaps they're reading a book you recognize.
00:11:30.639 --> 00:11:34.720
You consider saying something, but then another thought appears.
00:11:34.960 --> 00:11:36.879
What if they don't want to talk?
00:11:37.120 --> 00:11:39.039
What if I interrupt them?
00:11:39.279 --> 00:11:42.080
What if the conversation becomes awkward?
00:11:42.399 --> 00:11:45.519
What if I can't find a polite way to end it?
00:11:45.759 --> 00:11:47.519
So you remain silent.
00:11:47.679 --> 00:11:55.120
You look out the window, you put on your headphones, and the train continues toward its destination.
00:11:55.679 --> 00:11:58.480
Now there's nothing inherently wrong with that decision.
00:11:58.799 --> 00:12:00.960
Solitude can be restorative.
00:12:01.200 --> 00:12:04.480
Sometimes silence is exactly what we need.
00:12:04.799 --> 00:12:10.240
But what if our predictions about talking to strangers aren't always accurate?
00:12:10.639 --> 00:12:19.519
In 2014, psychologists Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder published a study titled Mistakenly Seeking Solitude.
00:12:19.840 --> 00:12:24.720
And the researchers conducted experiments involving commuters on trains and buses.
00:12:25.120 --> 00:12:28.799
Some participants were instructed to connect with a stranger.
00:12:29.039 --> 00:12:32.080
Others were instructed to remain disconnected.
00:12:32.320 --> 00:12:36.159
Still, others were told to communicate as they normally would.
00:12:36.480 --> 00:12:45.440
And the researchers found that participants who connected with strangers reported more positive experiences than those who remained disconnected.
00:12:45.679 --> 00:12:47.679
And here's the fascinating part.
00:12:47.919 --> 00:12:54.799
In separate experiments, participants asked to predict these experiences expected the opposite.
00:12:55.200 --> 00:12:58.559
They anticipated that solitude would be more pleasant.
00:12:58.799 --> 00:13:03.840
The researchers found that people underestimated others' interest in connecting.
00:13:04.080 --> 00:13:07.200
So let's consider the psychological implications.
00:13:07.840 --> 00:13:13.120
Human beings make predictions about future experiences constantly.
00:13:13.679 --> 00:13:16.960
We predict how we'll feel after a conversation.
00:13:17.360 --> 00:13:20.960
We predict whether an invitation will be enjoyable.
00:13:21.440 --> 00:13:24.960
We predict how someone will respond to us.
00:13:25.440 --> 00:13:29.919
Psychologists call this process effective forecasting.
00:13:30.320 --> 00:13:33.120
And our forecasts aren't always accurate.
00:13:33.360 --> 00:13:38.799
We might anticipate discomfort where we would actually experience enjoyment.
00:13:39.120 --> 00:13:44.559
We might expect rejection when the other person would welcome a conversation.
00:13:45.279 --> 00:13:48.320
But the reverse can also happen.
00:13:48.720 --> 00:13:54.879
An interaction we expect to enjoy might become exhausting or uncomfortable.
00:13:55.440 --> 00:14:00.879
The important point is that our expectations are predictions, not guarantees.
00:14:01.440 --> 00:14:04.559
And our predictions can influence our behavior.
00:14:04.879 --> 00:14:11.200
If we assume that nobody wants to talk to us, we may never initiate a conversation.
00:14:11.759 --> 00:14:20.879
And if we never initiate conversations, we may have fewer opportunities to discover whether our assumptions are accurate.
00:14:21.360 --> 00:14:24.559
And the belief can remain untested.
00:14:25.039 --> 00:14:28.879
Now this is where I want to introduce an important distinction.
00:14:29.600 --> 00:14:35.679
Being open to connection is not the same as being obligated to connect.
00:14:36.240 --> 00:14:41.120
For some people, public transportation offers precious time to decompress.
00:14:41.679 --> 00:14:48.799
For others, a conversation with an unfamiliar person may require substantial social energy.
00:14:49.279 --> 00:14:52.320
There are also legitimate safety considerations.
00:14:53.200 --> 00:15:01.600
A woman traveling alone at night may assess an encounter differently from someone sitting in a crowded cafe during the afternoon.
00:15:01.840 --> 00:15:07.840
A person with sensory sensitivities may find an unexpected conversation overwhelming.
00:15:08.080 --> 00:15:16.080
And check out my sister podcast, Quietly Autistic at Last podcast for more on that topic wherever you listen to your podcasts.
00:15:16.480 --> 00:15:24.000
And someone navigating language barriers or unfamiliar cultural expectations may have additional considerations.
00:15:24.799 --> 00:15:28.000
The research does not erase these differences.
00:15:28.720 --> 00:15:36.639
It simply suggests that in some circumstances we may underestimate the pleasure of interacting with another person.
00:15:37.120 --> 00:15:39.759
And perhaps that's worth remembering.
00:15:40.080 --> 00:15:47.200
Not as a command to become more outgoing, but as an invitation to remain curious about our assumptions.
00:15:48.000 --> 00:15:51.200
So let's visit the world of cinema for a moment.
00:15:51.600 --> 00:15:59.919
In Richard Linkletter's 1995 film Before Sunrise, two strangers named Jesse and Celine meet on a train.
00:16:00.159 --> 00:16:01.840
They begin talking.
00:16:02.080 --> 00:16:09.360
Their conversation develops, and Jesse eventually invites Celine to spend time with him in Vienna.
00:16:09.840 --> 00:16:14.240
What follows is a film built largely around conversation.
00:16:14.639 --> 00:16:21.200
They walk, they talk, they disagree, they laugh, they share memories, opinions, and ideas.
00:16:22.000 --> 00:16:28.000
And all of this unfolds under the knowledge that their time together is limited.
00:16:28.320 --> 00:16:33.679
And what makes the film psychologically interesting is not simply the romantic connection.
00:16:34.000 --> 00:16:42.480
It's the way an ordinary encounter becomes an opportunity to discover another person's inner world.
00:16:43.039 --> 00:16:45.840
The two characters begin as strangers.
00:16:46.080 --> 00:16:52.879
They have no shared history, no established routines, no familiar roles to maintain.
00:16:53.440 --> 00:17:01.279
Their conversation allows them to encounter each other without the full weight of an existing relationship.
00:17:01.519 --> 00:17:07.039
And of course, cinema often compresses and dramatizes the human experience.
00:17:07.359 --> 00:17:13.359
Most conversations on trains do not become romantic films, and they don't need to.
00:17:13.680 --> 00:17:21.519
Sometimes the entire encounter consists of a recommendation, a shared laugh, or a brief observation about the weather.
00:17:21.759 --> 00:17:26.559
The value of the interaction doesn't depend on what happens afterward.
00:17:26.880 --> 00:17:28.799
So here's a question for you.
00:17:29.039 --> 00:17:33.839
Think about the last time you considered speaking to someone but decided against it.
00:17:34.079 --> 00:17:36.319
What did you predict would happen?
00:17:36.559 --> 00:17:41.200
And how certain were you that your prediction was correct?
00:17:42.319 --> 00:17:49.680
The elevator is moving again, and on the next floor, we're going to explore something even more curious.
00:17:50.079 --> 00:17:57.200
Why might a stranger sometimes hear a story that the people closest to us have never heard?
00:18:01.359 --> 00:18:03.680
Welcome to the third floor.
00:18:04.000 --> 00:18:07.759
Imagine you're sitting beside someone on an airplane.
00:18:08.079 --> 00:18:10.000
The flight is delayed.
00:18:10.240 --> 00:18:12.640
You've both been waiting for hours.
00:18:12.960 --> 00:18:16.000
You begin talking about the inconvenience.
00:18:16.240 --> 00:18:19.680
Then you discover that you're traveling to the same city.
00:18:20.000 --> 00:18:22.960
The stranger asks whether you're visiting family.
00:18:23.279 --> 00:18:24.319
You hesitate.
00:18:24.720 --> 00:18:30.319
Then, for reasons you don't entirely understand, you tell them something personal.
00:18:30.960 --> 00:18:33.599
Perhaps you're traveling to attend a wedding.
00:18:33.839 --> 00:18:36.559
Perhaps you're visiting a childhood home.
00:18:36.799 --> 00:18:39.680
Maybe you're beginning a new job and you're nervous.
00:18:40.000 --> 00:18:41.599
The stranger listens.
00:18:42.160 --> 00:18:44.799
They share something about their own life.
00:18:45.039 --> 00:18:52.799
And suddenly you're having a conversation that feels more personal than the small talk you exchanged at the beginning.
00:18:53.440 --> 00:18:57.119
You might wonder, why am I telling this person so much?
00:18:57.359 --> 00:18:59.200
I don't even know their name.
00:18:59.519 --> 00:19:03.599
And this brings us to the psychology of self-disclosure.
00:19:04.000 --> 00:19:11.359
And self-disclosure in this context refers to communicating information about ourselves to another person.
00:19:12.000 --> 00:19:18.319
It can involve something relatively ordinary, such as our favorite food or the city where we grew up.
00:19:18.559 --> 00:19:25.680
Or it can involve more personal information, such as our hopes, fears, values, and experiences.
00:19:26.640 --> 00:19:32.079
And the depth of disclosure can change as a relationship develops.
00:19:32.400 --> 00:19:40.720
And in 1973, psychologists Erwin Altman and Dalmus Taylor introduced social penetration theory.
00:19:41.279 --> 00:19:49.920
Their model described how relationships can develop through changes in the breadth and depth of information people share.
00:19:50.240 --> 00:19:53.359
Breadth refers to the range of topics we discuss.
00:19:53.599 --> 00:19:57.039
Depth refers to how personal those topics become.
00:19:57.279 --> 00:20:05.920
And think of it this way: you might know that your coworker loves gardening, watches old movies, and takes a vacation every summer.
00:20:06.160 --> 00:20:09.440
That's a relatively broad collection of information.
00:20:10.000 --> 00:20:18.559
But you might not know what they're most afraid of, what they hope to accomplish, or which experiences have shaped their values.
00:20:18.799 --> 00:20:22.880
Those subjects involve a different level of disclosure.
00:20:23.440 --> 00:20:26.559
Now here's where things become interesting.
00:20:27.279 --> 00:20:33.200
What happens when people move beyond superficial conversation relatively quickly?
00:20:33.440 --> 00:20:44.400
In 1997, psychologist Arthur Aaron and his colleagues published research titled The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness.
00:20:44.720 --> 00:20:54.400
And in one experiment, pairs of participants completed a series of relationship-building tasks over approximately 45 minutes.
00:20:55.039 --> 00:20:59.200
And the questions gradually increased in personal intensity.
00:20:59.599 --> 00:21:08.880
Participants who completed these tasks reported greater closeness afterward than those who engaged in comparable small task activities.
00:21:09.279 --> 00:21:18.880
And the research demonstrated that structured reciprocal self-disclosure could create feelings of closeness under experimental conditions.
00:21:19.200 --> 00:21:25.759
It did not establish that every personal conversation creates a lasting relationship.
00:21:26.000 --> 00:21:28.400
And that's an important distinction.
00:21:28.880 --> 00:21:36.559
Closeness can be experienced in a moment without becoming a permanent feature of our lives.
00:21:37.119 --> 00:21:51.119
A conversation might feel intimate, it might be meaningful, it might even be remembered fondly, but it doesn't automatically establish trust, compatibility, or friendship.
00:21:51.359 --> 00:21:55.680
So why might someone disclose personal information to a stranger?
00:21:56.160 --> 00:21:59.119
There are several possibilities worth considering.
00:22:00.079 --> 00:22:03.279
First, the stranger doesn't have an established history with us.
00:22:03.519 --> 00:22:09.359
They may not know our family, our colleagues, or the roles we occupy in everyday life.
00:22:09.599 --> 00:22:16.160
And that absence of shared history can sometimes make a conversation feel less constrained.
00:22:16.480 --> 00:22:21.200
Second, we may perceive fewer future social consequences.
00:22:21.599 --> 00:22:30.079
If we believe we'll never encounter someone again, we might feel less concerned about how they will interpret our words in the future.
00:22:30.640 --> 00:22:35.759
But perceived freedom is not the same as actual safety.
00:22:36.160 --> 00:22:42.559
A stranger can misunderstand us, repeat information, or behave inappropriately.
00:22:42.880 --> 00:22:47.440
And being anonymous does not guarantee confidentiality.
00:22:48.160 --> 00:22:53.440
Third, reciprocal disclosure may encourage further disclosure.
00:22:54.000 --> 00:23:00.000
When someone shares something personal, we may feel comfortable responding with a story of our own.
00:23:00.240 --> 00:23:03.680
And this can create a sense of mutual understanding.
00:23:04.240 --> 00:23:07.039
But it can also create pressure.
00:23:07.440 --> 00:23:13.200
We do not owe someone personal information simply because they've shared theirs.
00:23:13.519 --> 00:23:17.839
And we can enjoy a conversation while maintaining boundaries.
00:23:19.279 --> 00:23:22.160
So let's return to before sunrise.
00:23:22.480 --> 00:23:30.160
Jesse and Celine spend much of the film discussing subjects that people might not ordinarily introduce during a first encounter.
00:23:30.400 --> 00:23:38.799
Their conversation moves through philosophical questions, relationships, childhood experiences, and ideas about life.
00:23:39.119 --> 00:23:45.200
The approaching end of their time together becomes part of the film's emotional structure.
00:23:45.440 --> 00:23:51.519
They know that the encounter has a limit, and that creates a fascinating question.
00:23:52.079 --> 00:23:56.319
Does the anticipated ending change the conversation?
00:23:57.119 --> 00:24:04.160
Perhaps, but we should distinguish the literary interpretation from the psychological evidence.
00:24:04.480 --> 00:24:09.039
The film gives us an illustration of temporary intimacy.
00:24:09.839 --> 00:24:16.079
It doesn't prove that knowing a relationship will end necessarily makes people more honest.
00:24:16.640 --> 00:24:19.759
And honesty itself is complicated.
00:24:20.640 --> 00:24:25.599
A person may disclose something genuine while withholding other information.
00:24:26.400 --> 00:24:29.839
They may present an idealized version of themselves.
00:24:30.079 --> 00:24:34.240
They may simply be experimenting with how to describe an experience.
00:24:34.559 --> 00:24:39.839
And we shouldn't assume that strangers always encounter our most authentic selves.
00:24:40.400 --> 00:24:46.799
Sometimes they encounter a version of us shaped by the circumstances of that particular moment.
00:24:47.519 --> 00:24:52.720
And that brings us back to another fascinating literary connection.
00:24:53.680 --> 00:24:58.559
In The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry.
00:24:58.960 --> 00:25:13.920
Sorry, I wasn't even going to attempt to pronounce the author's name myself, but anyhow, the fox teaches the prince about the importance of developing a relationship through repeated encounters, familiarity, and attention.
00:25:14.160 --> 00:25:19.039
The fox offers an interesting counterpoint to the brief encounter.
00:25:19.279 --> 00:25:22.880
And the prince and the fox develop a bond over time.
00:25:23.519 --> 00:25:28.480
And Jesse and Celine experience connection within a compressed period.
00:25:28.880 --> 00:25:33.599
Neither story provides a universal formula for relationships.
00:25:34.079 --> 00:25:39.440
Instead, together they invite us to ask: what makes an encounter meaningful?
00:25:39.759 --> 00:25:40.960
Is it duration?
00:25:41.680 --> 00:25:43.279
Is it disclosure?
00:25:43.680 --> 00:25:45.359
Is it familiarity?
00:25:45.680 --> 00:25:48.799
Is it the experience of being listened to?
00:25:49.359 --> 00:25:55.200
Or is meaning sometimes something we discover only after the encounter has ended?
00:25:55.839 --> 00:25:58.079
Imagine the airplane landing.
00:25:58.400 --> 00:26:00.960
The stranger gathers their belongings.
00:26:01.359 --> 00:26:03.359
You exchange a final smile.
00:26:03.759 --> 00:26:06.240
Have a good trip, you too.
00:26:06.559 --> 00:26:09.519
And then you walk toward different baggage claims.
00:26:09.920 --> 00:26:12.960
You don't need to turn the encounter into a friendship.
00:26:13.119 --> 00:26:16.000
You don't need to exchange contact information.
00:26:16.400 --> 00:26:20.240
You don't need to explain why the conversation mattered.
00:26:20.559 --> 00:26:24.240
You can simply appreciate what happened.
00:26:24.559 --> 00:26:30.000
Sometimes the conversation is complete, and perhaps that is enough.
00:26:32.319 --> 00:26:34.720
Welcome to the fourth floor.
00:26:35.039 --> 00:26:40.240
This is the floor of memory, and I want you to consider something.
00:26:40.720 --> 00:26:44.559
Think about how many people you've encountered throughout your life.
00:26:44.799 --> 00:26:56.240
The cashier who handed you change, the person who sat beside you in a waiting room, the traveler who asked for directions, the stranger who held an elevator door.
00:26:56.720 --> 00:27:00.160
There have probably been thousands of these interactions.
00:27:00.960 --> 00:27:06.400
Most of them have disappeared from conscious awareness, yet a few remain.
00:27:06.640 --> 00:27:09.759
And you remember the stranger who complimented your coat.
00:27:10.000 --> 00:27:14.720
You remember the person who helps you find your way through an unfamiliar city.
00:27:14.960 --> 00:27:21.039
You remember the woman who recommended a novel that eventually became one of your favorites.
00:27:21.519 --> 00:27:23.920
Why these encounters?
00:27:24.240 --> 00:27:27.119
Why not the hundreds of others?
00:27:27.680 --> 00:27:33.119
To explore this, we need to consider how autobiographical memory works.
00:27:33.440 --> 00:27:40.319
Autobiographical memory involves recollections of experiences from our own lives.
00:27:40.960 --> 00:27:45.839
And these memories aren't simply recordings that we retrieve unchanged.
00:27:46.319 --> 00:27:49.680
Remembering is a reconstructive process.
00:27:50.319 --> 00:28:02.400
And when we recall an experience, we reconstruct it using information stored in memory, our current understanding, and the context in which we're remembering.
00:28:02.720 --> 00:28:06.240
And that doesn't mean our memories are necessarily false.
00:28:06.400 --> 00:28:10.960
It means that remembering isn't identical to replaying a video.
00:28:11.680 --> 00:28:20.799
Some details may remain vivid, others may fade, and our interpretation of an event may evolve.
00:28:21.039 --> 00:28:24.480
Now consider the stranger in the elevator.
00:28:24.880 --> 00:28:29.279
Perhaps the original conversation was relatively ordinary.
00:28:29.599 --> 00:28:31.359
They noticed your book.
00:28:31.680 --> 00:28:34.079
You exchanged a few sentences.
00:28:34.319 --> 00:28:35.839
They wished you well.
00:28:36.319 --> 00:28:39.920
But imagine that you later read the novel they recommended.
00:28:40.240 --> 00:28:41.440
You loved it.
00:28:41.759 --> 00:28:42.720
You love it.
00:28:42.960 --> 00:28:44.960
You recommend it to a friend.
00:28:45.200 --> 00:28:51.359
Years later, you remember the elevator conversation whenever you see that author's name.
00:28:51.680 --> 00:28:56.079
The encounter has become connected to other experiences.
00:28:56.799 --> 00:28:59.039
Its meaning has developed.
00:28:59.279 --> 00:29:03.279
The memory now represents more than the original exchange.
00:29:03.759 --> 00:29:06.799
It also represents what followed.
00:29:07.119 --> 00:29:15.119
And this is an important possibility to consider when thinking about why brief encounters remain memorable.
00:29:15.680 --> 00:29:22.079
Sometimes we remember an encounter because it was emotionally significant at the time.
00:29:22.559 --> 00:29:31.759
And I remember being in high school just after my first really big breakup, a two-year relationship, and I was in the drive-thru at a Taco Bell.
00:29:31.839 --> 00:29:37.279
And when I got up to the window to pay, the worker told me that my meal had been taken care of.
00:29:37.519 --> 00:29:38.720
And I said, What?
00:29:38.960 --> 00:29:39.519
Why?
00:29:39.759 --> 00:29:45.519
He said that the guy in front said it looked like I was having a bad day and he wanted to cheer me up.
00:29:45.680 --> 00:29:51.759
And the guy passed the drive-thru line going in the opposite direction, and we just smiled at each other.
00:29:52.000 --> 00:29:56.079
No strings attached, no one wanted anything from the other.
00:29:56.400 --> 00:29:59.359
That was the encounter, and that was it.
00:30:00.079 --> 00:30:05.759
It's been over 30 years, and I remember it like it just happened yesterday.
00:30:06.160 --> 00:30:10.480
And sometimes we remember short encounters because it was unusual.
00:30:10.720 --> 00:30:17.039
And sometimes an ordinary encounter may acquire additional meaning through later events.
00:30:17.279 --> 00:30:24.160
And these are possible explanations, not a universal formula for which memories survive.
00:30:25.440 --> 00:30:28.160
So let's bring in an artistic analogy.
00:30:28.720 --> 00:30:31.039
Imagine walking through an art museum.
00:30:31.200 --> 00:30:33.200
You pass dozens of paintings.
00:30:33.440 --> 00:30:39.759
Some are beautiful, some are technically extraordinary, but one painting makes you stop.
00:30:40.559 --> 00:30:43.359
Perhaps it depicts a familiar landscape.
00:30:43.599 --> 00:30:47.119
Perhaps its colors remind you of your childhood home.
00:30:47.440 --> 00:30:51.359
Perhaps you cannot explain why it affects you.
00:30:51.920 --> 00:30:54.880
You stand before it longer than the others.
00:30:55.119 --> 00:31:00.079
And when you leave the museum, that is the painting you remember.
00:31:00.960 --> 00:31:08.559
The painting hasn't necessarily changed, but something about your encounter with it made it personally significant.
00:31:09.039 --> 00:31:13.759
A brief human interaction can sometimes function in a similar way.
00:31:14.079 --> 00:31:23.920
We encounter another person at a particular moment, in a particular context, carrying a particular collection of experiences.
00:31:24.880 --> 00:31:32.640
Something about the interaction captures our attention, and later we may return to it.
00:31:32.960 --> 00:31:36.160
But here's where I want to introduce a little caution.
00:31:36.559 --> 00:31:42.559
When we remember a stranger fondly, we may begin assigning meaning to their intentions.
00:31:43.359 --> 00:31:47.359
We might think they knew exactly what I needed to hear.
00:31:47.599 --> 00:31:50.240
They understood me better than anyone.
00:31:50.799 --> 00:31:54.000
They appeared at precisely the right moment.
00:31:54.799 --> 00:31:58.160
Sometimes we call these people our angels.
00:31:58.480 --> 00:32:08.079
And those interpretations may feel compelling, but we cannot necessarily know what the stranger understood, intended, or experienced.
00:32:08.720 --> 00:32:11.279
Perhaps they were simply being friendly.
00:32:11.519 --> 00:32:14.640
Perhaps they were having an ordinary conversation.
00:32:15.039 --> 00:32:18.480
Perhaps they don't remember the interaction at all.
00:32:18.960 --> 00:32:23.519
And that doesn't invalidate what the encounter meant to us.
00:32:23.920 --> 00:32:30.640
It simply reminds us that our experience and the other person's experience may be different.
00:32:30.880 --> 00:32:38.079
And we can honor a memory without inventing certainty about someone else's inner world.
00:32:39.920 --> 00:32:42.480
Now let's return to our elevator.
00:32:42.799 --> 00:32:48.240
Imagine that the stranger's book recommendation leads you to discover an author you love.
00:32:48.559 --> 00:32:51.519
Ten years later, you walk into a bookstore.
00:32:51.759 --> 00:32:58.480
You see the author's newest novel displayed near the entrance, and suddenly you remember the elevator.
00:32:58.799 --> 00:33:05.599
The brass doors, the stranger's smile, the conversation, the memory arrives unexpectedly.
00:33:05.839 --> 00:33:13.119
You may never know whether the stranger remembers you, but the encounter has become part of your personal history.
00:33:13.759 --> 00:33:18.880
And perhaps that is one reason fleeting encounters fascinate us.
00:33:19.200 --> 00:33:26.079
Their duration is fixed, but the meaning we attach to them can continue to develop.
00:33:29.759 --> 00:33:36.400
We've reached the fifth floor, and now I want to introduce someone from mythology, Hermes.
00:33:37.039 --> 00:33:46.640
In ancient Greek mythology, Hermes is associated with communication, travel, boundaries, and movement between different realms.
00:33:47.119 --> 00:33:59.359
He serves as a messenger, he moves between places, he crosses thresholds, and that makes him a particularly fitting symbolic companion for today's episode.
00:33:59.839 --> 00:34:02.640
Because the elevator is a threshold.
00:34:02.960 --> 00:34:09.199
People enter, they share a temporary space, they communicate, and then they depart.
00:34:09.679 --> 00:34:17.440
And Hermes reminds us symbolically that human life involves movement between different worlds.
00:34:17.840 --> 00:34:24.880
We encounter people whose histories, experiences, and destinations are different from our own.
00:34:25.199 --> 00:34:28.239
For a moment, our paths intersect.
00:34:28.559 --> 00:34:30.000
Then we continue.
00:34:30.559 --> 00:34:35.840
But what responsibility do we have toward the people we encounter so briefly?
00:34:36.239 --> 00:34:50.719
I think this is where this episode becomes especially interesting, because we often discuss the ethics of relationships in terms of major commitments, friendship, partnership, family, professional responsibility.
00:34:50.960 --> 00:34:55.039
But what about the ethics of a 30-second interaction?
00:34:55.760 --> 00:34:59.360
What do we owe the stranger who holds the door?
00:34:59.920 --> 00:35:02.559
The person standing beside us in line?
00:35:02.800 --> 00:35:05.360
The employee helping us resolve a problem?
00:35:05.840 --> 00:35:08.800
The traveler who asks us for directions.
00:35:09.280 --> 00:35:16.400
We don't owe every stranger our time, our personal information, or our emotional energy.
00:35:17.199 --> 00:35:31.519
We have a right to privacy, we have a right to silence, we have a right to decline a conversation, and we have a right to leave an interaction that feels unsafe or uncomfortable.
00:35:32.079 --> 00:35:40.880
But when we do choose to engage, we can recognize that the other person has an inner life as complex as our own.
00:35:41.119 --> 00:35:53.599
They have concerns we cannot see, responsibilities we know nothing about, experiences that shape how they move through the world, and they may be having a wonderful day.
00:35:53.840 --> 00:35:57.760
They may be exhausted, they may be preoccupied.
00:35:58.159 --> 00:36:00.079
We simply don't know.
00:36:00.880 --> 00:36:20.559
And perhaps that uncertainty is a reason for humility, not a reason to assume that everyone is suffering, not a reason to believe that every conversation is profound, but a reason to avoid treating people as though they exist only to fulfill a function in our lives.
00:36:21.199 --> 00:36:24.079
Consider the coffee shop employee again.
00:36:24.320 --> 00:36:29.440
It's easy to think of the interaction entirely in terms of what we need.
00:36:29.679 --> 00:36:35.760
We want our coffee, we want it prepared correctly, we want to get to work on time.
00:36:36.239 --> 00:36:38.960
Those are ordinary expectations.
00:36:39.920 --> 00:36:45.199
But the person preparing our order is also a human being.
00:36:45.599 --> 00:36:51.119
A greeting, a thank you, or a moment of patience can acknowledge that reality.
00:36:51.760 --> 00:36:56.000
Of course, kindness must remain compatible with boundaries.
00:36:56.320 --> 00:37:01.119
We shouldn't expect service workers to perform emotional intimacy.
00:37:02.079 --> 00:37:06.159
We shouldn't demand conversation from someone wearing headphones.
00:37:06.559 --> 00:37:13.440
And we shouldn't assume that a stranger's friendliness is an invitation to pursue a relationship.
00:37:13.840 --> 00:37:19.679
The ethical value of an encounter isn't measured by how much access we gain to another person.
00:37:20.320 --> 00:37:26.159
Sometimes respect means recognizing when the conversation is over.
00:37:27.519 --> 00:37:31.119
And this brings us to one final distinction.
00:37:31.920 --> 00:37:34.800
Meaning does not require permanence.
00:37:35.440 --> 00:37:41.039
We often treat temporary experiences as though they are somehow incomplete.
00:37:41.679 --> 00:37:48.079
A friendship that lasts decades seems more significant than a conversation that lasts minutes.
00:37:48.400 --> 00:37:56.880
And in many respects, a lifelong friendship offers forms of trust, commitment, and shared history that a brief encounter cannot.
00:37:57.199 --> 00:38:00.239
But these experiences don't need to compete.
00:38:00.559 --> 00:38:06.400
A brief encounter can have value without being equivalent to a lifelong relationship.
00:38:06.719 --> 00:38:13.760
It can be pleasant, it can be informative, it can be memorable, and it can end.
00:38:14.320 --> 00:38:18.320
And the ending doesn't necessarily erase what happened.
00:38:18.800 --> 00:38:21.280
So let's return to the little prints.
00:38:21.760 --> 00:38:28.719
The fox emphasizes the importance of the time and attention invested in developing a bond.
00:38:28.960 --> 00:38:31.840
That is one form of connection.
00:38:32.559 --> 00:38:35.840
But our elevator offers another possibility.
00:38:36.159 --> 00:38:39.679
Sometimes we meet someone without building a relationship.
00:38:40.000 --> 00:38:47.360
We exchange something small, a recommendation, a joke, a moment of recognition, and then we part.
00:38:47.920 --> 00:38:52.960
We don't have to pretend that the interaction was more intimate than it was.
00:38:53.519 --> 00:38:56.960
We don't have to diminish it because it was brief.
00:38:57.280 --> 00:39:04.320
We can allow it to be exactly what it was: a moment of human connection.
00:39:05.280 --> 00:39:08.000
Nothing more is required.
00:39:09.679 --> 00:39:12.639
So we've traveled through five floors today.
00:39:12.880 --> 00:39:24.000
On the first floor, we explored the strength of weak ties and discovered that the people on the edges of our social networks can contribute to our lives in ways we might overlook.
00:39:24.480 --> 00:39:35.840
On the second floor, we examined our expectations about strangers and learned that in some circumstances we underestimate how enjoyable a conversation might be.
00:39:36.400 --> 00:39:49.199
On the third floor, we explored self-disclosure and temporary intimacy, recognizing that feelings of closeness can develop quickly without guaranteeing a lasting relationship.
00:39:49.679 --> 00:39:57.760
On the fourth floor, we considered memory and how the meaning of an encounter may evolve long after it ends.
00:39:58.159 --> 00:40:07.039
And on the fifth floor, we explored the ethics of brief encounters, the importance of kindness, curiosity, boundaries, and respect.
00:40:08.239 --> 00:40:12.159
And now I'd like to return to the woman from our opening scene.
00:40:12.400 --> 00:40:18.880
She's standing alone in the elevator, the stranger has stepped out, the doors have closed.
00:40:19.119 --> 00:40:27.599
She looks down at the book in her hand, perhaps she smiles, perhaps she makes a mental note of the author's name the stranger recommended.
00:40:27.840 --> 00:40:30.559
Then the elevator reaches her floor.
00:40:30.800 --> 00:40:33.280
She steps out and life continues.
00:40:33.599 --> 00:40:41.280
There is no dramatic music, no extraordinary revelation, no promise that their paths will cross again.
00:40:41.599 --> 00:40:44.960
Just an ordinary moment and an ordinary day.
00:40:45.199 --> 00:40:48.719
And yet perhaps years later she'll remember it.
00:40:48.960 --> 00:41:02.800
Not because the stranger changed her entire life, not because the encounter was destined to happen, but because for a few moments two people occupied the same space and found something worth sharing.
00:41:03.199 --> 00:41:07.280
And that brings me to the question I'd like to leave you with today.
00:41:07.840 --> 00:41:10.880
Who has shared an elevator with you?
00:41:11.679 --> 00:41:14.559
Not necessarily a literal elevator.
00:41:14.800 --> 00:41:32.880
Perhaps it was someone on a train, someone in a bookstore, someone sitting beside you in a waiting room, someone who offered directions when you were lost, someone who recommended a song, a film, or a novel, someone whose name you never learned.
00:41:33.679 --> 00:41:36.239
Think about one of those encounters.
00:41:36.719 --> 00:41:38.400
What do you remember?
00:41:40.000 --> 00:41:42.559
What did you actually exchange?
00:41:43.039 --> 00:41:47.119
And what meaning have you attached to that experience over time?
00:41:48.000 --> 00:41:51.920
You might discover that the encounter was simply pleasant.
00:41:52.159 --> 00:41:58.000
You might realize that you've remembered it because it became connected to something else in your life.
00:41:58.320 --> 00:42:05.599
Or perhaps you'll recognize that its significance is something you still cannot fully explain.
00:42:06.000 --> 00:42:08.400
You don't have to force an answer.
00:42:08.719 --> 00:42:12.000
You don't have to turn the memory into a lesson.
00:42:12.239 --> 00:42:16.239
You can simply acknowledge that it mattered to you.
00:42:17.280 --> 00:42:24.800
And perhaps as you move through the coming week, you'll become a little more aware of the people who briefly share your world.
00:42:24.960 --> 00:42:36.960
Not because you need to speak to everyone, not because you owe strangers your attention, but because the ordinary spaces of our lives contain more human stories than we can possibly know.
00:42:38.079 --> 00:42:47.679
The elevator arrives, the doors open, someone steps inside, someone else steps out, and the journey continues.
00:42:48.400 --> 00:42:54.079
Some people accompany us for a lifetime, others share only a single floor.
00:42:54.320 --> 00:42:58.559
The length of the ride doesn't always tell us what the encounter meant.
00:42:59.280 --> 00:43:02.400
Others share only a single floor.
00:43:02.719 --> 00:43:08.880
And the length of the ride doesn't always tell us what the encounter meant.
00:43:10.079 --> 00:43:12.000
Okay, so there you have it.
00:43:12.239 --> 00:43:15.440
Thank you for joining me today on the Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast.
00:43:15.599 --> 00:43:16.559
I'm your host, Dr.
00:43:16.639 --> 00:43:18.000
Allison Sucamelli.
00:43:18.400 --> 00:43:24.159
Until next time, follow the road inward, stay curious, and let yourself bloom.
00:43:24.400 --> 00:43:33.199
And before we go, if you want to check out this week's savory reader stack and other references and resources, take a look at the episode bio for this week.
00:43:33.440 --> 00:43:36.719
Take care, and I will see you next week.