Know Yourself First: Self-Awareness, Boundaries & Personal Power | Tia Buckham-White, Notre Internationale

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Welcome back to the Element Collection Podcast.
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Today we're so excited to introduce you to our friend Tia Buckham Light.
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Welcome, Tia.
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Thank you.
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I've been looking forward to it, ladies.
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We have been looking forward to it.
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And typically we do this introduction and tell everybody who you are.
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But given what you do when it comes to connection and human experience, why don't you tell everybody how it's Tia?
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You know what I have to tell you.
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I have been doing this business for 15 years.
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I started it because I thought that with the work I was doing in corporate America, I was on a sales team and I was the only anything that wasn't a man that was white.
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I was it, right?
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And I just felt like people were just so unaware of what they were doing and how they were being.
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And it just, you know, stuck out to me.
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Also it pisses me off, but it may have stuck out to you.
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Well, I wasn't gonna say that, but that's exactly what really what it was.
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And then I also was actually going to therapy because I've been married for 31 years, and I had only been married for, you know, like five or six years at that point.
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Went to therapy and I had a therapist tell me that I interrupted him like eight times within like 15 minutes.
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That means like every 45 seconds or so I'm interrupting this person.
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And I thought it was a great conversation.
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Now I've told that story a thousand times in different kinds of ways, but the point still is I was deeply unaware of myself.
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So this thing about not knowing what you don't know about who you're being and how you're being, it just bothered me.
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So when I left corporate, I decided I was gonna start this company and focus on self-awareness.
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And it took a lot for me to create it, a lot for me to think about it.
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I failed a ton, made a fool out of myself a lot, and um had to get myself coached and developed and spent a lot of money that I didn't have to understand what I'm doing to develop this.
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But I feel like it was just something in me like, how can you do better if no one tells you that you don't you're doing something wrong?
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And if no one will tell you, then how do you fix it?
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That just couldn't, it wouldn't leave me alone.
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And so I started the business because of that gnawing, right?
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And I think that because the culture is moving in this direction where we're getting away from processes and rules, being able to define how we work.
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If you don't know why you do the thing you do, it causes more conflict and confusion and stress.
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And I think a lot of the stuff that's happening in our culture right now is a result of people not understanding how they feel.
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They're just doing what they think is right.
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You know what I mean?
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Or they're just doing what they uh been told they're supposed to do, but not really deeply understanding why they do or don't do it.
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And I don't think our society is really set up to help people understand that, like not giving people feedback or not wanting to hurt somebody's feelings, or we just have all these standard rules that aren't really away making you aware of, but how do you feel about it?
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Because you might not mind if I tell you feedback, but maybe you don't want feedback.
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But we do the same rule across every, you know, the behaviors are all kind of you get where I'm going with that, like 100%.
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But what I really find interesting about this conversation, just as we've already started, is the word that you keep using is culture.
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Culture and awareness.
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I think those are the two steps standing out significantly to me.
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And I think something that is one of those unspoken things as it surrounds culture and it surrounds awareness or things that are more acceptable in different cultures or societal norms of as to what is appropriate and sense of awareness.
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And like I you know me, Jordan knows me very well in this.
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Like, I have no issue ever talking about race when it comes to like absolutely more widely accepted in black culture or white culture, whatever it may be.
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But I think about even cultures like over the overseas, for instance, absolutely personal space awareness, where we are very aware of it as Americans from that, like an American culture.
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We're very aware of like, bro, like I need some space.
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But in other countries, and we talked about this, I think, even recently about getting off of an airplane where someone in different cultures, like, they'll climb over you to get off the airplane.
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I was in China and I was sitting in a middle seat, and someone literally climbed over my legs.
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Like, I was like, they didn't wait their time.
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But they literally just straddled me, and I was like, okay.
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That's very interesting because I think culture matters, and I think where the world is going.
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So if you think about what is happening in the world now, let's not talk, we're not talking about politics, but what is happening in the world now, right?
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We are in a position that if we don't really get comfortable with understanding why we do or don't do something individually, it's going to make it harder the next pandemic.
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It's going to make it harder the next big movement.
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It's going to make it harder if what if AI starts doing some stuff that we just did not expect it to do?
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Like a few weeks ago on the news, I don't know if you all heard that AI, this AI started, it it created something that was trying to can confuse someone or fool you, and then it covered up its tracks.
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You have to look up, I'll have to text you all the e I'll have to text it to you.
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But that way the news can you write the things that don't make the news.
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Right.
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Come on.
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Well, and who's fact-checking AI?
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Right?
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It's pulling from all the data.
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It's right.
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So I'm just saying where the world is going, I think the best thing you can do for yourself as an individual is to understand who you are and why you do what you do.
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I don't know if that's promoted though.
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And think about if we started doing that with your niece and nephew, right?
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It's a niece and nephew, right now.
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Two boys.
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So those are two boys.
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Two boys, two little boys.
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And so if you think about that, right?
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That even young, when you're learning to walk, learning who your family is, learning how to just understand your experience, we started giving that experience to children really young.
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Think about the confidence that we could build into our children.
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Yes.
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That would tamp down on bullying at schools, tamp down on insecurities.
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If you just tamp down on some of it, I'm not saying it would fix it.
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I think depression is depression and challenges are challenges, and neurodivergency is new neuro neurodivergency.
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But what if we didn't have some of the other things that we're carding with us?
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See, there's an awareness in here that I really am enjoying.
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I love this.
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But there's an awareness.
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So I think about us raising our daughters.
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Like we're very, very aware of how we're raising them.
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And so come healing from, let's say, you know, let's say sexual trauma, right?
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Yeah, healing from sexual trauma as it relates to maybe it's consent, as it relates to awareness and saying no or familiar trauma, things like that.
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Something that I'm very adamant about.
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I think it's that I'm asking you now.
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This question is is this coming from my own self-awareness?
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Is for instance, my youngest daughter, if she does not want to do it, baby, she's not doing it.
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That's right.
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And when it comes to like being in families, especially growing up in like southern culture, of if my child's not being disrespectful, if she does not want to hug you, she said no.
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And it doesn't make her disrespectful.
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But my awareness comes from somewhere else that an experience that she has yet to experience, and God willing, she never experiences.
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But my awareness comes from this place of I don't want to take her voice away when it comes to saying no to her body, her space, being able to if she doesn't feel comfortable, like you can say no because I don't want I have an awareness that I don't want to perpetuate just because someone is your family, just because someone is close to you or your mom's friend or whomever it is, that does not mean they're entitled to your personal space.
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Yes.
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And so my awareness, I think this is my awareness, or is this something different?
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You know what I'm saying?
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There's awareness and then there's understanding.
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Okay, so what you have is an awareness of a boundary that you want to impart unto your child.
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Yes.
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But your response to this awareness is what lets you know can you polish that more?
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Can you evolve that more, right?
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So good.
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So let me give you an example that I would tell my daughter.
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So my daughter, probably gonna kill me for saying this, but I'm gonna say it anyway.
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Um, my daughter is five, nine, very curvy curvy.
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She's been that way for a long time.
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And I had to explain to her that when you go around different generations of men, you can be one way with your generation, your friends.
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They they see what you wear and your tank tops and everything differently.
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But when you go around maybe a different generation of men, you might want to be mindful that their perspective is different.
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So that's a different level of complexity of thinking I'm offering her.
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So she has an awareness of herself, but she doesn't feel taken advantage of by that.
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So it's not a binary.
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Oh.
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So it's what what if you teach your daughter?
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Um, I taught my son this when he was young.
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We love to hear you sing, McLeod.
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Well, when auntie or granny asked you to do it, it was because they love you.
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You do have a right to say no, but what does it mean for you to give that gift to them?
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Okay, so with the hugging or the touching, what's that next level up from the I have a boundary and I have a right to my body, but I also want to consider what does it mean to blend into the family and understand context.
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So self-awareness can give you that piece too.
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And we think a bit more around, yes, we know what color our hair is, we know what kind of food we like to eat, what color our, you know, that's an awareness, but understanding yourself is really that piece that I like to push into.
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You go to self-awareness to gain self-understanding, it's like the bridge.
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I think that's a part of belonging.
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I think self-awareness.
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I just said this like yesterday about even being semi-understood to myself gives me a sense of belonging to myself.
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Absolutely.
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And and I also think that what I have found with doing this work, people that like it, they're just on fire.
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People that don't like it, they just don't like it.
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It doesn't resonate with them.
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And I think that we have to find the balance of what it means to engage people around this subject matter.
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And so, you know, I always tell people like, look, you know how you feel when you close your eyes, you know how you feel when you brush your teeth, you know how you feel.
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You can you can't fool yourself.
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But I think sometimes you can be disconnected from yourself.
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You know what I mean?
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And I think it doesn't help our organizations, people that run businesses, when they're just operating on a process or a system when the systems are changing every day.
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The world is changing every day.
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There's different challenges every day, and people are so different now and openly comfortable with that difference.
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Whereas I'm a Xer, a bit older, and I was brought up in the world where you just do what you're supposed to do.
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Like nobody cares how you feel.
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Like just get it done, suck it up, don't cry in the bathroom, get over it, right?
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That's the conditioning.
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I think now where we are is what is your feeling?
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How do you identify?
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What do you want?
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Right?
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We so I think the world is just shifted in such a different direction that it is going to be a lot more helpful to all of us if we really promote understanding what we're thinking and feeling.
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So we can put appropriate boundaries up.
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We can say yes or no, or just in business, we can innovate, right?
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Because now you're not doing 55 reports that just have to be turned in.
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Now you have to really think about no, we are losing a whole entry point to the business.
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What are we gonna do to replace that skill or we or find another entry point skill?
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It's a lot of layers to the conversation.
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I think self-awareness is just such an important part of growth, right?
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Because as we move through this world, there are gonna be people who trigger uh feelings in us.
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And and and we were recently having this conversation.
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Like, am I mad at you?
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Am I mad at how I interpreted it?
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Am I mad how it triggered me?
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Like, who am I mad at?
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Are you getting backlash that you don't deserve because of something I'm not self-aware of?
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Like am I setting unreasonable expectations?
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And I think that is gonna make us better friends, leaders, better in all the relationships in our life by having that self-awareness and be like, hey, I know I came at you this way, but actually it may not be you, like this may be me.
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Yeah.
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And having the wherewithal to come back into us and being like, okay, I've projected that onto you, but this is actually a boundary that was that I didn't hold to myself.
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And I'm self-abandoning.
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And and how can we be thoughtful leaders and you know, great role models and parents and all of these things if we're not self-aware?
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That's right.
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And I think that the way we've discussed it has been so one way that we haven't really been open to understanding all the other things.
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For example, I think that life has just gotten more complex because I remember a time in my life where I knew people that couldn't read.
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That's that's just like almost doesn't exist almost anymore, right?
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You don't really, I mean, unless you're a child that hadn't learned to read yet, but you don't really necessarily interact with a lot of people that don't know how to read.
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So even then it's a yet.
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Correct.
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Because you can, there's all kinds of ways to get information now where I, you know, I'm before the internet.
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So that means that you could get it in a book and you could go to a library to understand it, but if you couldn't get to the library, there was no computer or internet for you to get on to get access to that.
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And you all in a younger generation have had access to information for the vast majority of your life.
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Whereas if it wasn't in the right, you know, issue of the Encyclopedia Britannica or you couldn't go to the library, exactly, right?
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So the world is shifted.
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So understanding this, let me just say this, because I'm jumping around, but I'm gonna go with it.
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If you would do the same thing to any person that did this thing to you, that lets you know it's about you, right?
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And how you respond to things that bother you lets you know how deep that could or couldn't be for you.
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And I think that simple thing is very powerful to understand that, right?
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That's a powerful thing to understand.
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I think it's a powerful thing to understand, especially when you're talking about you.
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We are in relationship, we are in community with other people every single day of our lives.
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And what I have learned is and I won't even say this to because I didn't coin the term myself, but my brother had told me that love is a con a contact sport.
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Again, love is a contact sport.
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Yes, so in community, being in community with other people, we have a very high awareness that love and being in relationship with people is going to require some risk to it.
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So the risk that we have to it could be the same way that you're playing football, you get on the football field, you know that when you put those pads on, you put that helmet on, that there is a chance that you can get hurt.
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Absolutely, one in four.
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That was in the news last night.
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One in four chance of getting CTE.
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It it is what it is.
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So I think what we also have to have, based on what you've just shared with me, is also an awareness that we do create collateral damage around us and our own awareness and our own becoming.
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And I think that's such a gift that you've just given us of just this we do create collateral damage.
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Yeah, but it's a part of the deal of being in community and in relationship with other people.
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Yeah, and and what one person perceives as collateral damage, somebody else might see as an opportunity.
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See that's what I'm saying too, about um creating this way of seeing the world.
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But I think when we go in and we help leaders think differently, every single organization or group of people that have to lead a process needs to think a little differently now.
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Yes.
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Right?
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And every single um experience that we're having is coming from an original place in our own experience.
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There may be some overlap and corollaries with people that you know, but I think the more you understand why you may or may not do that, and even if you don't know, giving yourself time to sit and think about why that might be the case is so powerful.
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You know, I I think it's really a difference.
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I've seen so much evolving in the culture as it pertains to how we're acting and how we're being and the generational differences.
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I think we can't underestimate that because, you know, I've I've tried my humor on the young millennials and the digital natives, and it just doesn't land the same anymore.
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Like that, yes, you know, and so I think that they're just, you know, the the Gin Z stare, it's a it's a thing, you know.
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Just the like the millennial pause, but it's us trying to gather our thoughts together.
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Right.
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When we get it together, somebody was on, I think, on Oprah's uh podcast, and they were talking about uh that they're buffering this that the Titsy Pause is like the digital native person is buffering because what you said just I I can't process that.
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That does not make sense to me.
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Urban's gonna add some crazy editing here and be like buffering.
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But I I I think it's interesting, but I do I do think that this work has been awesome and and I do think that we are very different with what we bring to the table.
00:16:23.120 --> 00:16:26.799
And I and I think that um we've seen that people feel so much better.
00:16:26.879 --> 00:16:34.000
That's what I think has been so um powerful is that people can learn this other way of seeing the world and have control.
00:16:34.480 --> 00:16:41.360
So if you're walking around thinking like, I have no control, I just have to do what I have to do, kind of like um, you know, everybody talks about burnout.
00:16:41.440 --> 00:16:41.919
Yep.
00:16:42.240 --> 00:16:52.799
And when I say burnout is kind of self-inflicted, it is indirectly, you know, it's kind of self-inflicted, but I think that when people hear that, they can be a little defensive about it.
00:16:52.879 --> 00:16:55.200
I've had a few people get defensive about that.
00:16:55.519 --> 00:17:03.759
But if you think about, if you're doing more things than you've been asked to do because you think that's you're supposed to do, well, that's about your conditioning, or that's what someone told me I had to do.
00:17:03.840 --> 00:17:05.359
But did you say I don't want to do it?
00:17:05.519 --> 00:17:11.839
Like, so you so either you're not using your own personal power or you're doing what you're conditioned to do and you believe you're supposed to do it.
00:17:12.000 --> 00:17:26.000
Um, but if no one's saying, with basically a gun against your head saying you have to do this, you must do it, then everything we're doing is either because we think we're supposed to do it or we thought we had to do it or we didn't have a choice to do it, but we're not really discussing our own individual control in that.
00:17:26.160 --> 00:17:26.799
Well, that's good.
00:17:26.960 --> 00:17:28.240
Or surrender up control.
00:17:28.640 --> 00:17:30.079
Yep, or or just saying no.
00:17:30.160 --> 00:17:33.279
Like when people say no is a whole sentence or a complete action.
00:17:33.440 --> 00:17:38.960
I mean, I've never had a problem with telling people I don't want to do something, which probably has cost me, you know, different things.
00:17:39.119 --> 00:17:43.279
But I think it also has kept me kind of like sane, right?
00:17:43.359 --> 00:17:51.599
That I don't feel obligated to do things that I don't want to do, but I also am very leaned in on things that I'm committed to doing, you know?
00:17:51.759 --> 00:17:55.039
So I think it's a you know, finding the balance of how you see the world.
00:17:55.279 --> 00:17:55.839
That's important.
00:17:56.240 --> 00:18:00.880
It's been really difficult for me as a leader in my life, as a people pleaser.
00:18:00.960 --> 00:18:05.200
Like it's very hard to be a people pleaser and a leader because I'm like, it's fine, I got it.
00:18:05.279 --> 00:18:05.839
No worries.
00:18:05.920 --> 00:18:06.079
Yeah.
00:18:06.319 --> 00:18:11.039
Like I'm really trying to heal from no worries or it's okay, or it's not, it's not okay.
00:18:11.119 --> 00:18:18.880
Like, yeah, I need to set those boundaries in place and and like speak my mind and and work together so that I can be a more effective leader.
00:18:19.119 --> 00:18:19.359
Yeah.
00:18:19.519 --> 00:18:24.799
And I think just I think knowing it is definitely step one, and then leaning in to practice it.
00:18:24.880 --> 00:18:29.200
Like um, the thing I like to teach people about is have you ever heard of the consciousness quadrant?
00:18:29.440 --> 00:18:30.559
You ever heard of that?
00:18:30.799 --> 00:18:32.880
So I think it's by Gordon leadership.
00:18:32.960 --> 00:18:35.519
I I don't know, it's it's someone else's model.
00:18:35.599 --> 00:18:36.559
It's a leadership tool.
00:18:36.799 --> 00:18:37.359
Oh, look it up.
00:18:37.519 --> 00:18:39.200
I know the consciousness quadrant.
00:18:39.359 --> 00:18:47.519
And the way I like to explain it to people is um what I love about becoming self-aware is like it gets you to the point of having self-understanding.
00:18:47.680 --> 00:18:48.640
Yes, right.
00:18:48.880 --> 00:18:52.079
And it allows you to be emotionally independent.
00:18:52.240 --> 00:18:52.480
Yep.
00:18:52.640 --> 00:19:01.279
Okay, so you become you're aware of yourself, you gain more understanding of yourself, and then you are able to be emotionally independent.
00:19:01.440 --> 00:19:03.519
And that doesn't mean you don't care about what people think.
00:19:03.680 --> 00:19:06.079
It means that you're not affected by what they think.
00:19:06.400 --> 00:19:07.839
Two different things, right?
00:19:08.160 --> 00:19:18.880
So if you understand why you are people pleasing, whatever your reasons are, you can practice not doing it, and eventually you will become unconsciously competent.
00:19:19.039 --> 00:19:24.160
So the consciousness quadrant is okay, so as you know, have you seen a baby learn how to walk?
00:19:24.400 --> 00:19:25.359
Like from nothing, right?
00:19:25.440 --> 00:19:27.279
You've you've seen your babies learn how to walk.
00:19:27.519 --> 00:19:36.640
So you know a baby's learning how to walk, and their mind, you can see in their little heads, they're like, oh, I'm gonna get up and walk, but they don't know they can't walk, so they fall down.
00:19:36.960 --> 00:19:40.240
That is unconscious incompetence.
00:19:40.480 --> 00:19:42.720
They don't know that they can't walk.
00:19:43.039 --> 00:19:46.160
So it's really even understanding someone's incapabilities.
00:19:46.400 --> 00:19:46.640
Right.
00:19:46.720 --> 00:19:48.880
So when you have this experience of yourself, right?
00:19:49.039 --> 00:19:53.519
There are other things you've done where you have unconscious competence, and I'm gonna we'll get to that point.
00:19:53.680 --> 00:19:57.039
So when the baby stands up and falls down, well, what's the next phase?
00:19:57.200 --> 00:19:59.119
Is conscious incompetence.
00:19:59.359 --> 00:20:01.519
They know they can't walk.
00:20:01.839 --> 00:20:05.920
So they hold onto your finger and they hold onto the table because they know they can't walk.
00:20:06.079 --> 00:20:09.119
So if I'm gonna hold on to something, consciously incompetent.
00:20:09.200 --> 00:20:12.079
Well, then they move into being consciously competent.
00:20:12.240 --> 00:20:18.240
That's when they're walking like a little monster and they're trying to hold themselves together and they're trying not to fall, and you're hoping they don't fall.
00:20:18.400 --> 00:20:19.759
That's a conscious competence.
00:20:19.839 --> 00:20:22.480
They can do it, but they got to think about every single step.
00:20:22.720 --> 00:20:27.119
Well, then the last part of that is unconscious competence when they're running around the room and they're fine and they're not even thinking about it.
00:20:27.200 --> 00:20:28.880
They get up and get down how they want to do it.
00:20:29.039 --> 00:20:34.720
But think about the other things we do in our life that way: driving cars, walking, riding a bike.
00:20:34.880 --> 00:20:37.039
You have an unconscious competence to do that.
00:20:37.200 --> 00:20:41.519
And what I believe and help people understand is that self-awareness can be the same way.
00:20:41.759 --> 00:20:55.200
You can say, I'm I'm working on people pleasing now, but you can get to the point where you don't even do it anymore and you won't even think about the fact that you don't do it, even though now you're doing it, because you're in that process of becoming competent about it, unconsciously competent about it.
00:20:55.440 --> 00:20:59.440
So that's why I love the whole concept of thinking about how to evolve yourself.
00:20:59.680 --> 00:21:00.720
I think it's beautiful.
00:21:00.799 --> 00:21:04.960
And on the process of becoming you guys, this episode I don't think can be contained to one.
00:21:05.119 --> 00:21:09.279
I have just decided, I made an executive decision that this cannot be contained to one episode.
00:21:09.440 --> 00:21:17.039
And so I think we have to continue this conversation and we do try to keep them so you guys can consume and make all of these episodes bingeable for you guys at our timeline.
00:21:17.119 --> 00:21:20.480
But I think this deserves a heart too.
00:21:21.200 --> 00:21:22.240
I'm very much into a heart.
00:21:22.640 --> 00:21:24.400
Well, I'm gonna do whatever you ladies tell me to do.
00:21:24.480 --> 00:21:25.200
I'm happy to do it.
00:21:25.279 --> 00:21:26.079
So you just tell me.
00:21:26.400 --> 00:21:27.920
Well, you guys, until next time.
00:21:28.160 --> 00:21:29.920
This conversation does not end here.
00:21:30.160 --> 00:21:33.279
We will get the next one all uploaded and things for y'all.
00:21:33.359 --> 00:21:39.440
But until then, we'll put all of the contact information on how you guys can reach Tia if you have questions, and maybe this is a great episode.
00:21:39.519 --> 00:21:40.720
Let's do some QA.
00:21:40.799 --> 00:21:44.400
We'll gather some questions from our listeners and do the part two.
00:21:44.640 --> 00:21:50.240
Cause I think that's what this one human experience is the epitome of influence and legacy and awareness.
00:21:50.480 --> 00:21:51.359
Like this is just everything.
00:21:51.440 --> 00:21:52.400
So we're so excited.
00:21:52.559 --> 00:21:53.920
And until then.
00:21:54.799 --> 00:21:55.039
All right.
00:21:55.200 --> 00:21:56.240
Well, thank you for having me.
00:21:56.400 --> 00:21:57.279
I really appreciate it.
00:21:57.599 --> 00:21:58.000
Thanks.
00:21:58.240 --> 00:21:58.640
Yes.