The Difference Between Reacting and Responding

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Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast.
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The difference between reacting and responding episodes.
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I'm Bill Simpson, your host.
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I coach men who are rebuilding their lives and relationships after breakup or divorce, helping them understand their relationship patterns, grow into the best version of themselves, and create deeper love and real connection, showing up differently for the next chapter of their lives so they can live the life they love.
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Now, as I continue my series on living as an emotionally healthy man, I want to build on something we talked about in the last episode, and that is what emotionally healthy men do when they're triggered.
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In that episode, I introduced the path approach, P-A-T-H.
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P for pause, A for acknowledge, T, turn towards your values, and H, honor the relationship.
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In this episode, I want to take the next step.
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Because once you pause, the question is, whatdo you do with that pause, right? Well, that pause creates the opportunity to move from reacting to responding.
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Now, I get that reacting and responding may sound like two different words for the same thing.
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You might be thinking, Bill, isn't this just semantics?
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Well, there is an important distinction here.
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A reaction is usually automatic, you know, like a knee-jerk reaction.
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It's quick, defensive, and it's driven by whatever gets activated or charged inside of us.
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Whereas a response is more intentional.
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It still recognizes what we feel, but it gives us enough space to decide how we want to express it.
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Reacting says, I feel it, so I'm going to act on it.
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And responding says, I feel it, let me understand what's happening before I decide what to do.
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And a reaction is often driven by the past.
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A response considers what's actually happening in the present moment.
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And understand that responding doesn't mean being passive.
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And it doesn't mean that you, you know, suppress and stuff your feelings or avoid conflict or let someone walk all over you.
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No.
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A healthy response can be direct, it can be firm, it can set a boundary, and it could even say, look, I don't agree with you.
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Or the way you're speaking to me is not okay.
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And the difference is that you're choosing your words and behavior instead of allowing your automatic programming to choose them for you.
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That was something I had to learn because there was a time when all I did was react.
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And I didn't know I had a choice.
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I just did what I did.
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And frankly, I thought it was just who I was.
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You know, if I felt criticized, I would get defensive.
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If I felt rejected, I might shut down, withdraw.
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Um, if I felt misunderstood, I would try even harder to prove my point.
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You know, um, if I felt threatened or if I was embarrassed or felt exposed, I would react from whatever got stirred up inside of me.
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And I didn't stop to ask myself, what are you feeling right now?
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What's being triggered here?
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And what does this situation actually need from me?
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Something would happen, I would feel it, and I would react.
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And I just thought that other people were causing my reactions, you know.
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If they hadn't said what they said or done what they did, I wouldn't have reacted that way.
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That's how I saw it.
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Many years ago, I was at a workshop with a group of men where I witnessed the difference between reacting and responding in real time.
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One of the members, I'll call him Member A.
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Member A got triggered when another man in the group, member B, called him out on his shit.
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Member B told Member A that he felt like he wasn't being real with the group, that he was performing instead of being with us.
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He said that member A acted like he already knew everything and was trying to teach the rest of the group, rather than being honest and vulnerable, about what was happening inside of him.
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And as you might imagine, member A didn't take that very well.
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No, man, the conversation got heated.
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Member A defended himself over and over, member B pushed harder and harder.
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And the more one man pushed, the more the other defended himself.
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And the more defensive one became, the more frustrated and confrontational the other became.
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Well, eventually the facilitator intervened.
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And rather than simply shutting down the disagreement or deciding who was right or wrong, he recognized that this was an opportunity for all of us to learn something.
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After things had settled down, he asked the group what we had observed.
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And I remember one of the older men raised his hand and he said something like, It looked like they both got triggered and started reacting instead of responding.
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That was the first time I remembered hearing that comparison.
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Reacting instead of responding.
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It was definitely a light bulb moment for me.
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Well, as the facilitator helped to process what had happened, it became clear that both men had been triggered, but for different reasons.
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Member A felt exposed and humiliated.
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You know, being accused that he was performing rather than being authentic touched something vulnerable inside of him.
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Instead of getting curious about what the feedback was about and why it affected him so deeply, he just went right into defending himself.
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And member B had his own trigger.
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He felt like member A was being inauthentic and then tried to convince everyone otherwise.
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And to him, it felt like he was being gaslighted, as though like what he was clearly seeing and feeling was being denied.
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And that activated something in him too.
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So they weren't just two men discussing what happened in the group.
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No, man, if you think about it, there were two nervous systems responding to what each man perceived as a threat.
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Yeah, one felt exposed and the other felt dismissed.
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And once those triggers became activated, neither one of them fully related to the person in front of him.
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No, they were reacting from their old protection strategies.
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Yeah, member A defended himself, member B pressed harder.
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And each man's reaction just intensified the other man's reaction.
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And that's how quickly an interaction can become a cycle.
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And I gotta say, this happens in relationships all the time.
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You know, where one partner criticizes and the other becomes defensive, and the defensiveness makes the other partner feel even less heard or seen.
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So then the criticism becomes stronger, and then the defensive partner shuts down or fights back.
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And before long, the disagreement is no longer about the original issue.
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Now it's about tone and attitude, disrespect, being unheard or unseen, or something painful that happened three years ago.
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And both people may believe they're simply reacting to what the other person is doing.
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But often they're reacting to what the other person's behavior means to them.
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And what I mean by that would be like her criticism of him means that he's failing.
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Or his silence to her means she doesn't matter.
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Or her frustration means she doesn't respect me.
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For example, her criticism means I'm failing.
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Or his silence means I don't care.
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Or say her frustration means that she doesn't respect me.
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Or his defensiveness means he doesn't care how I feel.
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So what happens is we react to the meaning our nervous system gives to that particular moment.
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And that meaning is often shaped by our past.
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So going back to the workshop, both of these men had an opportunity to go beneath their reactions.
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You know, instead of member A saying, you don't know what you're talking about, a healthier response might have sounded like, you know, man, that's really hard for me to hear.
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And parts of me want to defend myself, but I also want to understand what you're seeing.
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And instead of member B saying, Oh, there you go again, you're still performing, blah, blah, blah, he might have said something like, you know, when you dismiss what I was saying right away, I felt frustrated because it reminds me of the times when whatever I had to say wasn't taken seriously.
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In doing that, it doesn't mean that they would have necessarily agreed.
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That's not the point.
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Responding doesn't guarantee agreement, but it gives you a chance to connect.
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And I have to say that that workshop helped me understand that an automatic reaction wasn't simply who I was.
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It was something that I had learned.
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And the good news is, if that had been learned, a different way of handling those moments could be learned too.
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Now, that sudden awareness didn't change everything for me overnight.
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No, man.
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It took years of practice and reinforcement.
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And guess what?
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Sometimes I still react.
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Yeah, in fact, just the other day I was getting some blood work done at a lab that I've been to several times before.
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I had gotten there like four minutes early.
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And I thought I was doing a good thing by getting there a few minutes ahead of time.
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But when I walked in, I got this rude treatment.
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You know, the the technician looked at me, you know, her all frowned up, and she's like, We're not open yet.
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Just caught me off guard.
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And I felt blindsided because I hadn't expected to be treated that way simply for arriving a few minutes early.
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And I reacted.
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I had some sarcasm come out.
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Um I called her and another person out on their rudeness and said that it wasn't the first time that I or other people had experienced that kind of treatment.
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The technician got defensive and I could feel my heart beginning to race.
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And that was my signal.
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It was my body telling me that I was getting triggered.
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I was charged.
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And fortunately, I caught myself.
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Not before I reacted, but before the reaction became an even bigger confrontation.
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I stopped right in the middle of what I was saying.
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I caught myself, I took a deep breath, and I just chilled.
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Sat down and chilled.
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About five minutes later, when the technician called me back to get the blood work done, I tried to kind of reset what we had gone through.
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And I started by acknowledging that, you know, I realize it's early in the morning, and before I could even finish, she gently interrupted me and said that she was wrong.
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She acknowledged that she should have greeted me more professionally.
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I apologized for my reaction too.
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And by the time everything was finished, as I was walking out, we genuinely smiled at each other and wished each other a great rest of the day.
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That moment reminded me of something very important that I want to share.
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Even if we do react, afterwards, there still may be an opportunity to respond.
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Yeah, we can catch ourselves, we can take responsibility, and we can repair.
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Look, emotional maturity isn't measured by whether you get every moment right.
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It's also measured by what you do after you realize you got it wrong.
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Do you continue defending your behavior?
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Do you blame the other person because they started it?
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Do you allow your ego or pride to keep you stuck?
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Or can you say something like, you know, I didn't handle that the way I wanted to?
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Or I'm sorry for how I spoke to you.
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Or something as simple as, hey, can we start again here?
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You know, like me in that lab, I could have justified my reaction by focusing only on how rudely I'd been treated.
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And to be clear, taking responsibility for my action didn't mean pretending her behavior was okay, because it wasn't.
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It meant recognizing that her behavior belonged to her and my behavior belonged to me.
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She took responsibility for her part, and I took responsibility for mine.
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That's what made it possible to repair.
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And you can see that even after years of practicing how to respond instead of react, I still don't get it right every time.
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Keep in mind that this is a lifelong journey.
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So if you're listening to this and thinking about all the times you've reacted in ways you regret, give yourself some grace, man.
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Yeah, beating yourself up doesn't make you more emotionally mature.
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No, man.
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What it does is keep you dysregulated and trapped in your shame, which is not good for anyone.
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There's no shame here.
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It's just an opportunity to grow.
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And when you give yourself compassion, self-compassion allows you to look at your behavior honestly without deciding that your behavior defines who you are.
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And there's an important difference between saying, I reacted poorly in that moment, and saying, that's just who I am.
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I always screw things up.
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Now, see, the first statement creates the accountability and also the possibility of change.
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The second statement creates shame and hopelessness.
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And self-compassion isn't about letting yourself off the hook, it's creating a healthier place from where you can take responsibility.
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And research supports this.
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Self-compassion and mindfulness are associated with healthier emotional regulation and reduced emotional reactivity.
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In other words, treating yourself with understanding can actually make it easier, not harder, to recognize and change your behavior.
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So, what can you do to practice responding instead of reacting?
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Well, this is where I want to go back to the path approach from the last episode.
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And again, I think this can help you, and it does bear repeating because we don't just get something by hearing it once.
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Okay?
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So I'll remind you: the P is for pause, A is acknowledge, T is turn toward your values, what matters to you, and H is honor the relationship.
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Now I'm not going to take you through the whole process again, but I do want to show you how Path, that acronym PATH, helps to turn an automatic reaction into an intentional conscious response.
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So we'll start with P, Pause.
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The pause may only be that one breath you take.
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And if you're highly charged, it may take a few minutes.
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And you might say something like, you know, I do want to talk about this, but I'm getting worked up right now.
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Can we take a break and come back to it?
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With that, the important piece is that you actually do come back.
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Because I've seen it where guys will say, Hey, I don't want to talk about this right now, we'll talk about it later, and they never bring it up.
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So taking space to regulate yourself is healthy.
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Walking away indefinitely to avoid the conversation is not.
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Now I want to remind you that during the pause, make sure you pay attention to your body.
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Is your heart racing?
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Is your jaw getting tight?
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Are your shoulders rising?
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Or do you feel heat in your face or some pressure in your chest?
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That's the body recognizing a trigger before your brain does, your thinking mind does.
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And that's what helped me when I was at the lab.
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I felt my heart race.
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And it was telling me that I was moving further into an intense reaction.
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So taking a slow, intentional breath can make all the difference.
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And you're not trying to make the emotion disappear.
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You're just giving yourself enough internal space to choose what happens next.
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That's when you acknowledge what you're feeling.
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I'm angry, I'm embarrassed, I feel disrespected or dismissed, I'm afraid that I'm not being heard, you don't understand me, or I feel like I'm failing.
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And when you can put those feelings into words, it can help reduce that emotional charge.
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It turns this overwhelming internal experience into something that you can look at externally and work with.
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And another thing is to try to look underneath that first emotion that shows up.
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Because anger is often the easiest emotion for us men to recognize.
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But what else might be there?
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What's underneath that anger?
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Are you hurt?
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Are you sad?
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That's often the case.
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Or you could be ashamed or afraid, maybe feeling rejected, feeling powerless, or any of those things.
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Simply acknowledging an emotion doesn't mean that you have to give in to it.
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It simply means telling yourself the truth about what's happening inside of you.
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I like to look at it as it's just information, valuable information.
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Next is T turn toward your values.
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And that's where you ask yourself, who do I want to be in this moment?
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Do I want to be right or do I want to be understood?
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Or what would honesty, courage, respect, or compassion look like right now?
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See, your reaction tells you what's been activated, what's been charged.
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Your response can show you what matters to you, your values.
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And that doesn't mean ignoring what the other person did.
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It just means refusing to let their behavior decide who you become in that moment.
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You're not letting your feelings take over.
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You decide from what's important to you, what matters, your values.
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And finally, H honor the relationship.
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And that's where you can ask yourself, how can I address this without damaging the connection unnecessarily?
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Or what does this moment need from me right now?
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Or what response gives us the best chance of understanding each other?
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Man, that can make such a difference.
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Understand that honoring the relationship doesn't mean keeping the peace at your expense.
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You're not people pleasing, you're not stuffing your feelings or putting up with a bunch of disrespect.
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No, sometimes honoring the relationship means lowering your voice when you start to escalate.
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And just listen.
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Sometimes it means saying, Hey, help me understand what you mean by this.
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And sometimes it means like I said earlier, I just need a few minutes before I can talk about this in a productive or helpful way.
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Something like that.
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And sometimes it also means setting a firm boundary.
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Something like, you know, I'm willing to continue this conversation, but I'm not willing to be talked to with disrespect.
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And also a healthy response can be gentle or firm.
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What makes it a response is that it's intentional and it's aligned with the man you want to be.
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And that is what Path P A T H helps us to do.
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It doesn't take away the emotion, it just helps us move through the emotion without allowing it.
00:21:59.599 --> 00:22:01.359
To control the moment.
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And I want to say that if you're struggling with reacting instead of responding, especially if those reactions have hurt your relationships or contributed to patterns you don't want to repeat, I want you to know that this can change.
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You can learn new skills.
00:22:18.480 --> 00:22:22.799
Yeah, man, you're not doomed to keep repeating what you've always done.
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You can learn to recognize your triggers, to regulate your emotions, to communicate in a different way, and to show up more intentionally in your relationships.
00:22:34.960 --> 00:22:44.160
And if you want to learn more about how I help men do that, please visit my website at menonthepatholove.com.
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That's men on the path to love.com.
00:22:47.920 --> 00:22:53.839
All right, now it's time for my quote of the week.
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And this week's quote comes from author and poet Maya Angelou.
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She says, "You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them." Yeah, in other words, we can't always control what happens, you know, what someone says or what gets stirred up inside of us.
00:23:18.720 --> 00:23:25.599
But with awareness and practice, we can become more intentional about what we do next.
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And that choice, the choice not to allow an automatic reaction to determine who we become in that moment, is where responding begins.
00:23:39.279 --> 00:23:48.720
And that's going to do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love Podcast, the difference between reacting and responding episode.
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I'm Bill Simpson, your host.
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Thank you for listening.
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Now, coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love Podcast, as I continue my series on living as an emotionally healthy man, I'm going to talk about something that can be a real game changer in relationships.
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And frankly, it's something that I used to struggle with.
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And that is setting healthy boundaries.
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Yeah, man, healthy boundaries allow us to be honest about what we need, what we're willing to accept, and where our responsibility ends and someone else's begins.
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Because without boundaries, we may people please, build resentment, you know, become controlling, or to expect others to figure out our needs that we've never clearly expressed.
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So here's a question for you to consider.
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Are the boundaries you set protecting the health of your relationship?
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Or are they actually walls designed to protect you from being vulnerable?
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Yeah, give that some thought.
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And please join me next time for the Emotionally Healthy Men Set Different Boundaries episode.
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And if you got something out of listening to this episode and you know someone who needs to hear it, then please share the link and share the love.
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And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.