S3 Ep 84 Overcoming Addiction and Building Community with Chris Sullivan

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What if the traditional path to recovery isn't the only way?
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In this episode I sit down with Chris Sullivan, owner of Mohawk Wellness Collective in Los Angeles, and he discusses his journey through addiction, sobriety and self-discovery.
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Chris shares what worked and what didn't during his time in AA and how he found healing beyond traditional recovery.
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We dive into the role of spirituality and running in his sobriety, along with the power of nature and self-reflection in breaking free from destructive patterns.
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Whether you're in recovery, supporting a loved one or exploring new healing perspectives, this conversation is filled with raw insights and practical wisdom.
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This episode is brought to you by the how we Get Through community, where the real transformation happens Live events, daily meditations and rituals in deep connections with people who actually get it.
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So hit that subscribe button so you never miss a show and, if you're ready to fully step in, join the how we Get Through community today.
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The link's in the show notes Welcome or welcome back to how we Get Through.
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Where we heal, we expand and we get through together.
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We expand and we get through together.
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Welcome back to the how we Get Through podcast.
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This is so exciting.
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We have Chris Sullivan on the show.
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Welcome, chris.
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Hello, nice, to see you.
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You too.
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So I creepily founded you on TikTok.
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Yeah, tiktok, because you have the most wonderful, heartfelt, real TikToks where you just walk around your neighborhood and talk about your thoughts for the day.
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It's great.
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I mean, you know, I started that maybe six months ago.
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Wow.
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And it was the precipice of like I don't know what else to do.
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You know, it's funny like I have always been like, uh, in some sort of like spiritual or like kind of working through, um, my own like life and like what, and the type of person that just like processing what's going on, trying to improve, trying to change, and that's like from like traumatic influence, of like always being bad or, like you know, always viewing myself as something that needs to be fixed rather than like okay, and um, that led me to this place in my like, you know, midlife, middle, middle age, where I couldn't keep it together financially and from what I was doing.
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I had always owned my own businesses, I've always been able to take care of myself, and I was just going through this process in my life where I I don't know if I needed to let go of something or whatever, but the guy I was renting my apartment from owns a like male comedy, like media company called Friday beers and it's like a barstool sports type like silly, immature comedy and he I I was, you know, I hadn't paid my rent for months and me and him were able to like have some sort of working relationship on like how I was going to pay him and like how I was going to get through this.
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And he was like you have to make videos, like try to make a video every day, and like this whole thing where I introduced myself.
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At the beginning of every video, he told me you have to say the same thing, the first line you say every single time.
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It's like something.
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I don't know why, it's a weird thing, but you have to do it.
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And I just like couldn't think of something every day or whatever.
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So I was just like I'm Chris, I'm 41 and I live in Los Angeles and like people comment on how funny it is that I say that, but it works.
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Yeah, and it's recognition and I'm like, oh, there's Chris, you know like he's doing his walk in LA yeah.
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And as cheesy and as silly as talking your phone is and like introducing yourself every time you make something, it really like it's been a process of like self-discovery.
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For me it's about.
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It's been about, um, leaning into aspects of myself that I deny or I've been really criticized for being like you know, I'm a tall, you know straight white guy and um that has no problem talking to anyone.
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That's very outgoing and that has been viewed as like ego and like as somebody who's entitled all my life.
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And I have put that side of me away because I've just been criticized about it so much.
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But when my back was against the wall and, you know, my dad passed away, I had gone to jail, I had not paid my rent for months.
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My grandfather died in the same year.
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My uncle died in the same year.
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What year is this?
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This is 2023.
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Okay.
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So at the beginning of 2023, in March I went to jail.
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For.
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And I was in Alcoholics Anonymous and I had been sober for 17 years and I am from Atlanta, georgia, and have always owned a gun in my home as protection, never carry around, always licensed, always licensed, always.
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Totally, you know, above board, and but I live in a 10 million dollar of 10 million dollar, uh, people place, like they said, la is dangerous yeah people try to view la like.
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It's not, but it is like people are going around people's homes right now and looting their homes that they have evacuated from.
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Oh my gosh, LA is one of the biggest cities in America and it is dangerous.
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And if you act like it's not, you're fooling yourself.
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So anyway, I digress.
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Wait, chris, real quick.
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What's your astrology?
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What's your?
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Do you know your moon?
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I'm a Taurus sun sign, a Pisces moon and a Gemini rising.
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Okay, got it.
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My Gemini is what I had to lean into to create these TikToks, this rising sign, and I'm kind of giving you the long form of like what happened to me and how this TikTok is actually really important to me personally and not about like growth or selling something or trying to go somewhere, but it's like it's a it's a therapeutic process for me and it uses this aspect of myself that attracts things to me, which is like if you embody your rising sign, you can attract what you want, because that's what is your gift and attraction.
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Yeah, so I was in a and I was a sponsor of people which is like a guy who takes you through the 12 steps and like kind of looks out for you and meets up with you regularly, kind of looks out for you and meets up with you regularly.
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And I had this like big, tall gay sponsee who had a boyfriend who had this like 17 year old chihuahua that my sponsee hated and had to like walk and whatever, and it had ran away from him or bit him or something and he was being really aggressive towards it.
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And two strangers had this is in the middle of the night had observed him with the dog and tried to take the dog from him and then started chasing him, trying to like forcefully take this dog from him.
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And he's calling me over and over and over again, hoping he's near my house, and I finally pick up and I'm like what is going on?
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And he's like there's men chasing me.
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Please let me in your house.
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I need help.
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And so I'm just like immediately waking up and grab my gun and go outside and get him inside.
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I go inside of like the little entryway of my house to abide by the law and then I tell these men to like they're 20 steps up, a big step, and I go get out of here, it's not safe for you here, you need to leave.
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And they're like no, give us that dog.
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We're coming in and and I just like I pull out my firearm and I just show them that I have a firearm and I rack around in the chamber.
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I make the noise like in the movies, like the chomp chomp, because I know that that is a scary sound for people, and I hold it and I just make the noise.
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I said you need to leave now.
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It's not safe.
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And they freak out and they run away and I thought, great, that's exactly what I wanted to happen.
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You never point a firearm at anyone, right?
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Yeah, unless you want to hurt them, and I didn't want to hurt them.
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I just wanted to let them know that two versus one wasn't going to work, right?
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So I go inside, I take my sponsee home, I go home, I think everything's fine, and then there's 12 cops at my house and they arrest me for assault with a deadly weapon because the men who were trying to forcefully take this dog from called the police.
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Wow, and they said I wildly pointed it at them and that I threatened to kill them.
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And they made this big story up because they were actually committing a crime.
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Wow, and then they called the police that their crime didn't work, and so the police arrest me for assault with a deadly weapon, and so I have to go through this process of proving that I hadn't one, haven't assaulted anyone and that, like, I thought, because I was in my home and people were trying to enter my home, that brandishing a firearm would be the appropriate thing to do.
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And it's just not like that here.
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If you point a gun at anyone in LA, even in your own home, they can press charges for assault with a deadly weapon.
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And it's it's, you know, it's just the way the laws are here that I was, you know, gleefully unaware of and it cost me like $20,000 to like go through court and get a lawyer and all that.
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And then two weeks later my father passes away my stepfather and he'd been married to my mother for 38 years and you know, it was just like a very he had.
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He had Lewy body's dementia.
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He had.
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Lewy body's dementia, and when my mother came to visit me and we were going on a vacation, it was like the last time we were going to be able to hang out before she was going into full like care for him.
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He cut his foot and bled to death and like get the house cleaned.
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And then I was, you know, had to carry my mother through her grieving process along with mine, which was a beautiful experience to finally have some influence over the people who had influenced me so negatively.
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Yeah, Full circle moment, yeah, and like my grieving process was helping my mother through her grieving process and like watching her change and grow and develop and then her father passes away that year and like I get to help her go through that and, um, meanwhile I'm completely going bankrupt and like the businesses I've had are through the economy and this like pandemic things are just like falling apart and I'm, like you know, not a conservative person but didn't get vaccinated.
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So I was a photographer for many, many years and I was working in commercials and things like that and I had followed kind of my heart into mycology and been working even as a sober guy and like had turned that into a consulting business where I was building mushroom farms for a lot of wealthy people for a couple of years after the pandemic and so I wasn't really bothered about doing photography or design or anything like that with these corporations, even though I was getting paid very well, because it was like really personal intrusion, the whole vaccination thing and how I was being treated like a pariah and I you know I live in this very liberal city but I'm a critical, free thinker, you know and like it was just like no-transcript, like I started going to self-realization, fellowship, and for the last, like seven years, I've been seeing a Jungian analyst.
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Oh yeah, Like three times a week.
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No, just twice a week or twice a month and then once a week for many years yeah um, we would do sand play and dream analysis.
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And then she's 92 and she's japanese.
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She's amazing, she's like my yoda and what I realized I had done over the last six years is like replace my family members with other people that I had relationships with and heal these kind of family wounds.
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And I realized that a lot of the suffering from my family is from, like, my grandmas, who are these, like you know, great depression era, real big, powerful women who you know, unfortunately, were abused and like really hurt and set out these like chains of fear and trauma in my family that made these women in my family really critical and really mean and made all the men in my family just bound up alcoholic chains, totally hurt but completely controlled by women kind of men.
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Wow you know, and I was able to kind of put this all together with psychedelics and with really great wise therapists and focusing on somatics, like somatics running cold, plunge, breathing, breath work, Getting in touch with my body is the real thing.
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I was in AA for 17 years and have made more progress leaving AA and focusing on somatics and I could have ever accomplished sitting in rooms with people talking negatively or even positively about how these negative impacts and blah, blah blah.
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It's just like I drank the Kool-Aid-aid completely in 12 step.
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I was 22 when I got there what a baby.
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And I was controlled by a scared mother and left to the wolves of capitalism and cult thinking, group thinking, and it just the only thing I can put together now is that I have thrived in spite of 12 step, not because of it, and it's just like the more I think about it, the more negative it seems and the more like all this stuff I just glossed over and ignored about just how misogynist and fundamentalist Christianity is, is just weave throughout of it.
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And then, like, as I like went bankrupt in my life, was like at a bottom, I realized like it was going to take so much longer if I had.
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I admitted again that I was sick and that I was broken, because that's not how you manifest the new reality.
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And I committed to like this more self-realization kind of way of thinking, which is I'm perfect and I'm a body of light in that, if I can embody that in man, I can manifest any reality I'd like.
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And so at the summer of 2023, I was just so sad and so broken and sitting around my house and crying a lot and I was like what would I do if I was wealthy?
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And like everything was good and I'd be like I'd go for a run, and so I just started running and then I realized like I have no friends.
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I had nobody in my life because I left AA and all those people left me too yeah, very cult, like like if you're out, if you're out, you're out.
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19 years.
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I gave my entire life to this fucking thing and they're they don't want to even talk to me about why I'm gone.
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They see me in public and they and they go whatever works for you and it's like dude, fuck off.
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You know like, oh, it's so sad do you think it's similar of like um and I don't know if you felt this in your immediate family but like there's like a rejection theme, like if you're in and you're in and you're drinking the kool-aid, but if you're out, you're out I told satchiko is my analyst name and my mother are me, and all three me and those two women are very close and we have formed relationships where we can talk about whatever.
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And there was a lull in like what am I gonna do?
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And I asked both of them separately I think I'm gonna leave aa and all I needed to hear was what they had to say and they both, very quickly, very effectively, very profoundly said I think that's a good idea, you know, and like that's all I needed.
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That's all I needed because that's who I was fucking doing it for in the first place.
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And I mean, if you boil it down like AA is about recovery, is about finding yourself, is about finding peace.
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I just wanted to be a good boy.
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Yeah Are you.
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I just wanted to make these women in my life not have to worry about me and be proud of me and like not think I was a fucking loser.
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You know what I mean.
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What I mean and it's like my mom and my stepdad and my father were in like barely keeping themselves alive.
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Like my mom had to put on every piece of traumatic armor she could to keep my brother and me alive, and like she married my stepdad so we would have a dad, and like she treated him that way.
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She barely got along with the guy.
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The stepdad oh yeah, it was they were.
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They argued and and fought like cats and dogs because they just couldn't.
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They had no idea what trauma was.
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They didn't know what was going on in their life, like why they couldn't handle money or a family or their own relationships.
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I mean, it was just like a classic suburban home where it was like poor people that got a little money, that like just didn't know how to not be poor and not be fucked up and uh, I mean I had everything growing up.
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I had anything like you know, all my needs met.
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I grew up in a really middle-class home.
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It should have been perfect, you know, but it was nowhere near and me and my brother both fell into drugs really quickly.
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How old were you?
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13, 12.
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Like we grew up in this like middle-class neighborhood in the suburbs of Atlanta and every boy in that neighborhood was getting high, and like it was just like these.
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It's just like a culture thing.
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Like the nine, late nineties, early two thousands middle-aged people at that time you know my age now just like everything was like a fantasy, that like everyone was just trying to fulfill this.
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Like fantasy of an ideal life that no one really was adapted to at all.
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Right.
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And you know, these millennial children suffered.
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Yeah.
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Horrendously.
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I mean like it's insane how many dead people I know.
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You know I've known like at least 100 people that have passed away from drugs from drugs, just from life and just from being completely unprepared to be an adult.
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You know, yeah, and just like the amount of stuff we've glossed over as a society, as a culture, especially in America, it's like what the fuck Like, how do you expect us not to be shooting drugs?
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You know, and like using any tool that's available to us to like cope.
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You know, because it wasn't our parents that gave me any kind of tools to deal with life at all except yelling.
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Yeah, and I do think at a certain point there in your life there has to be that responsibility.
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But you have to meet yourself where you're at, like I'm pissed that I didn't have the tools, I'm pissed that my parents didn't do this for me.
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And now as an adult I get to take responsibility and say I now am choosing to do things differently.
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I'm now choosing to find the tools and kind of like letting go a little bit of.
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If I didn't have that, I would not have the motivation to find this other side of me.
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It's the pain and pleasure you know.
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Yeah, I mean like listen, what's happened to me, I realize now is like a great beautiful school that I had to go to and like what has transpired because of it oh excuse me is amazing.
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It's like you know, I, at the end of 2023, I went to hawaii with my mom and we just like maxed out credit cards and just went and that's how we spent Christmas in 2023.
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Me and her were just so exhausted by life and like what had happened to both of us, we were just like fuck this.
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And then we both got COVID in Hawaii and we just laid in the hotel room, laid in the ocean and just like swallowed and how insane all this was that we had experienced.
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But you know, I left AA and I started running and I had started going to running clubs and meeting new, all new friends and like making friends and I I needed a job bad, and I'm not employable Like I'm just not.
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You're the boss.
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I haven't had a job in 20 years.
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You know what I mean, and I've always, like, had my own business or done some freelance thing or whatever.
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I'm just not a job guy Like I get up at six, you know, and I work until seven or eight, you know, like I'm not.
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It's not that I don't want to work, it's just like.
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I don't want to work for someone else the way um the whole work for money thing or like time for money thing.
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It's just never computes for me.
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I have, you know, I need to make money different, three different ways in the same hour you know so.
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I can't be doing this job, all you know, whatever.
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But uh, I, basically this new running store opened up in Echo Park and I just volunteered my services for free and I was like listen, I'll, I'll create all your ads, I'll do photography, I'll do whatever.
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Just like let me be a part of this, cause I, I, I was having such an issue socializing as like a grown adult man, and also my life was so chaotic.
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I was just like I don't know how to make friends, so I would just use a lot of cannabis and like go running and then like go hang out with these people and like provide, uh, you know, graphics and stuff.
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And then eventually I knew they would like have to pay me and so I figured, you know, that might work.
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But and then, of course, they insisted on paying me, like the first month, and then it created all sorts of chaos and I wasn't supposed to be there, but it helped me build a lot of relationships that eventually became where I'm living now, which is like this wellness center which is.
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Initially I went to Hawaii with my mother and I thought, oh, you know, I want to like help people, I want to empower people, I want to have somewhere people can come and and and get something they they created for themselves and take it with them.
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And so I I met this guy named Jacob and, um he, we started running together and we started working on this project and I initially wanted to do a running club.
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Uh, this like house he was renting and he wanted to do one too and I was like, let me just make the t-shirts, you know, I'll design something and like.
00:25:27.548 --> 00:26:17.022
And that evolved into this, um, this business that we're we're in now, which is a like a house that has a sauna and a cold plunge and we teach breathwork classes and we use all these tools that I gained in a couple years ago through just like empowering myself you know, pranayama and yoga and all those things that I dived into to kind of down, regulate myself and work with myself and learn from these like super negative, heavy suffering moments in my life, and it helped me transmute all that and change it into energy I could use rather than suffer from and you know, it's really funny because I'd been working with mushrooms for years.
00:26:18.935 --> 00:26:22.385
Like therapeutically or Growing them, growing them.
00:26:22.634 --> 00:26:32.780
I've just been cultivating a relationship with mycology and with this science that you know.
00:26:32.780 --> 00:26:58.654
I've been taking lion sober and like take a large dose of psilocybin with some practitioners and so I did that for a while.
00:26:58.654 --> 00:27:02.542
So I was like microdosing and then I took one big trip.
00:27:03.403 --> 00:27:03.744
Was that?
00:27:03.744 --> 00:27:05.608
Okay, I don't know.
00:27:12.095 --> 00:27:13.538
It's really not specified in the, in the program or whatever.
00:27:13.538 --> 00:27:37.247
But you know, as I continued to do that and I started to like kind of be a little more off foot by things that were occurring, and during the pandemic I had already taken some steps away from AA because everything was on Zoom and that seemed like problematic and kind of silly, and so I was just trying to find my footing, and so that put me in a good position to be like do I want to do this anymore?
00:27:37.247 --> 00:27:38.299
And I don't know.
00:27:38.299 --> 00:27:42.605
And so it was my higher self was kind of leading me down this path all the time.
00:27:42.605 --> 00:27:46.234
And so it was my higher self was kind of leading me down this path all the time.
00:27:48.154 --> 00:27:52.949
And you know, in the interim of working with mycology and growing mushrooms, you know you end up having excess, you know, and, like you, you hand them to your friends, you sell them or whatever.
00:27:52.949 --> 00:28:02.723
And uh, you know, all these people kept showing up in my life and I would meet them by just socializing, like going to running clubs, things like that.
00:28:02.723 --> 00:28:44.976
Well, I start working with some of these people and then, lo and behold, they'll come to my apartment weeks after we had made commitments to work together and they realized at some point I already sold them mushrooms and they were like funny, you know, and like these, this connection by me, just like nurturing this plant and working with this plant, started to pull in my community and pull in these people that I had already affected, I had already given gifts to, I had already touched anonymously and it was like these connecting points anonymously.
00:28:44.976 --> 00:28:54.185
And it was like these connecting points through and and then I just I needed constant confirmation that I was doing the right thing, that was going the right places, and it was just these beautiful way of like spirit just going.
00:28:54.185 --> 00:28:56.096
Of course you're doing the right thing.
00:28:56.096 --> 00:29:00.561
This guy has been working with you unconsciously for years.
00:29:00.561 --> 00:29:12.698
Wow, and like as much pain and suffering as I was experiencing, I was also experiencing these deep, deep, close, like connecting points.
00:29:12.738 --> 00:29:41.400
That was just like give me this overwhelming sense of relief and, like you know, I started to gamify my life and I started to really like use Hinduism to like comic book uh, my life, you know, use these gods and this like this kind of psychological game we all play with ourselves in, like what's affecting what and who's pushing the buttons, and it's like you're creating all this stuff.
00:29:41.400 --> 00:29:42.563
Why not have fun with it?
00:29:42.563 --> 00:29:47.987
You know, why not make Tik TOKs and like talk about insane things or nothing at all.
00:29:47.987 --> 00:29:50.340
Like those Tik TOKs are a one take.
00:29:50.340 --> 00:29:57.046
You know, I don't, I just like I yap it out and then it's like posted, who gives a shit?
00:29:57.046 --> 00:30:01.886
And what's hilarious is like I get no negative comments.
00:30:01.886 --> 00:30:06.905
It's all women, my age, it's all women.
00:30:09.696 --> 00:30:12.184
Which is perfect for me Exactly.
00:30:12.184 --> 00:30:19.323
They're healing for you what I've actually worked through and what I've been really healing from is my mother world.
00:30:19.323 --> 00:30:20.002
Yeah, you know is my mother world.
00:30:20.042 --> 00:30:29.359
Yeah, you know, and I can't like she's the last thing, because she I can't put her in a negative spot because she stuck with me.
00:30:29.359 --> 00:30:30.384
My dad left.
00:30:30.384 --> 00:30:43.499
You know, it's like my mother is the devouring witch right in Jungian terms, which is like she loves me so much that she will keep me from all the good stuff too, you know and has has.
00:30:43.499 --> 00:31:08.186
And breaking free from that without creating a monster in her is really the psychological game world and like having her allow me to influence her, having, like her, allow me to be the man of the family now has completely fit the script and my life is like rocket shipping to a new reality.
00:31:08.186 --> 00:31:15.163
But I realize that that's not available for everyone and everyone's not in the place that I'm in.
00:31:15.163 --> 00:31:16.922
And also I'm crazy.
00:31:18.616 --> 00:31:22.663
I am a big risk taker, I'm a big who gives a shit.
00:31:22.663 --> 00:31:35.548
I don't have any kids, I don't have commitments, I have my dog and that's it, and so, like I'm willing to go to these places in life, I could have at any point packed up all my shit and moved in with my mom.
00:31:35.548 --> 00:31:37.819
You know, like that's available.
00:31:37.819 --> 00:31:40.165
She was in Daytona, she was on a three bedroom house.
00:31:41.276 --> 00:32:07.498
It would have completely ruined my life because I would have had to create all new communities and like an elderly kind of zone and a place where the opportunities are just not there, like they are in LA more than once, and I'm still in a mountain of debt.
00:32:07.538 --> 00:32:16.366
You know, from people giving me money and like trying to control me by like borrowing, like, oh, I'll give you 10 grand, and then it's like this, those people won't even be my friend anymore, but they're constantly asking for the money.
00:32:16.426 --> 00:32:17.576
But you know, it's just like this.
00:32:17.576 --> 00:32:32.086
It's like, oh, codependency, and like how it all trickles in and how people use like being nice and like giving you things and trying to help you, but really they're trying to keep you in their orbit and keep you on a leash.
00:32:32.086 --> 00:32:48.431
And it's like I you know, when you're desperate and you think like a certain number is going to get you somewhere and you take these risks and you just kind of like now you're in this thing where it's like this person gave me something.
00:32:48.431 --> 00:33:06.439
Now I'm indebted to them and now, and now I see the truth, which is they did this for their own benefit, and they're like weird subconscious psychological thing and and and it's like if they didn't, they wouldn't really be asking for it back or they'd be asking, like what the deal is.
00:33:06.439 --> 00:33:07.480
I mean, how are you doing?
00:33:07.540 --> 00:33:13.982
you know it's like it's so crazy what do you think the lesson is for you in that what?
00:33:13.982 --> 00:33:15.967
What do you think's being mirrored back for you?
00:33:16.395 --> 00:33:16.916
I'm not sure.
00:33:16.916 --> 00:33:18.380
It's like a big uh.
00:33:18.380 --> 00:33:27.067
It's still like an issue for me because I I'm like I have to pay these people back, but they won't even like if I called them, they wouldn't answer my phone call, you know.
00:33:27.067 --> 00:33:37.134
And like there was a woman I dated for a while and it's like I went to drop off cash and she was like don't ever come to my house again.
00:33:37.134 --> 00:33:39.904
It's like how do you want me to do this then?
00:33:39.904 --> 00:33:42.604
And it's like it was clear in that specific area.
00:33:43.315 --> 00:33:49.895
It's like, oh, you did this to control me and that backfired on you now and now it's like I'm left with this moral dilemma.
00:33:49.895 --> 00:34:08.943
It's like I can clearly just dip, you know, but it's like I don't want to be that kind of person and I don't like that like kind of karmic effect in my life where it's just like I know that these people tried, you know, and it's just like what I know that these people tried, you know, and it's just like what priority do I give them to, you know, cause I have to survive?
00:34:08.943 --> 00:34:10.648
And it's like corporations are.
00:34:10.648 --> 00:34:32.998
I don't have any problem not paying them, but you know, people are people and whether they're sick or not, they try to help, and so I'm just trying to put that together and like be an honest, good guy about it, while not like hurting myself in the process of like trying to just end something or break a connection, you know.
00:34:34.041 --> 00:34:55.697
I'm wondering if it's a little bit like, uh, cause, when you talked about the relationship with mom, like she's like such a savior in some way and there's that codependency, like I don't have to be responsible or then be take responsibility for self if mom's gonna come and save me, and it feels similar with, like these people when I'm desperate, these people are gonna come in and save me.
00:34:56.360 --> 00:35:08.489
And I think the lesson is like I actually have to save myself and yes, sometimes logistically that might be asked or getting money, but I think it's more of how do I get myself out of the situation?
00:35:08.489 --> 00:35:26.755
Because I think a lot of times in in relationships and just being human, we want someone to come in and be like I'm going to take away all your fucking worries, I'm going to fucking just like watch this wand and money feels like that thing that can do that, you know, but it doesn't right.
00:35:26.755 --> 00:35:38.264
And so I think the question is like, if I keep landing myself in these relationships, like what am I here to learn about who I am and what I am capable of?
00:35:38.726 --> 00:35:41.335
I agree, and I think that was the process of like no, I'm staying here.
00:35:41.335 --> 00:35:54.101
I'm of like, no, I'm staying here, I'm going to deal with my apartment, I'm going to deal with, like what I'm doing, I'm going to build something new, and like that's the kind of process I'm in now, which is like I let go of everything I can let go of.
00:35:54.101 --> 00:36:00.324
And I was caught, and like I had this crazy dream.
00:36:00.324 --> 00:36:08.409
And like I had this crazy dream and this like big face that I couldn't recognize and this older woman and she's just like you're going to have a soft landing.
00:36:08.409 --> 00:36:17.313
It was just like a floating head and I was like, ok, yeah, it was said in such like an ominous term, so I couldn't like take it positively or negatively, you know.
00:36:17.856 --> 00:36:18.059
Yeah.
00:36:18.139 --> 00:36:29.489
I was just like oh OK, and like I you know I work with dream analysis and things like that, and so I take my dreams very seriously and I'm an avid cannabis user now.
00:36:29.489 --> 00:36:35.969
So it's like, uh, dreaming is like rare, you know so I mean that's a good question.
00:36:36.050 --> 00:36:45.757
What do you think of like, I mean, being in AA and sober for 17 years and then what is your relationship now with, with cannabis, with other drugs?
00:36:45.757 --> 00:36:46.418
What do you feel?
00:36:46.500 --> 00:37:00.056
Well, my relationship now is like, uh, I'm free, you know, and that there's no like hard lines and rules to my life, and I use cannabis regularly, I love it.
00:37:00.056 --> 00:37:01.940
It's like really good for me.
00:37:01.940 --> 00:37:11.909
I know that everyone's chemistry doesn't work the same way, but for me, like when I use it, I'm a high dose user and like I go run 10 miles.
00:37:12.094 --> 00:37:12.856
Do you smoke it?
00:37:13.458 --> 00:37:14.942
Yeah, I smoke it and I eat it.
00:37:15.043 --> 00:37:16.887
Yeah, how's that on your lungs?
00:37:17.295 --> 00:37:19.400
I've been a smoker for 25 years.
00:37:19.400 --> 00:37:20.822
I don't smoke cigarettes anymore.
00:37:20.822 --> 00:37:22.927
I use the pouches or whatever.
00:37:22.927 --> 00:37:25.152
For 25 years, I don't smoke cigarettes anymore.
00:37:25.152 --> 00:37:25.855
I use the pouches or whatever.
00:37:25.855 --> 00:37:31.300
I have three big addictions I use nicotine, caffeine and cannabis.
00:37:31.340 --> 00:37:32.083
But you don't drink.
00:37:33.795 --> 00:37:35.398
No, I don't drink alcohol.
00:37:35.398 --> 00:37:38.085
I haven't drank alcohol since AA.
00:37:38.085 --> 00:37:38.967
I don't drink.
00:37:38.967 --> 00:37:42.664
My name is Christopher Michael Sullivan, you know what I mean.
00:37:42.664 --> 00:37:43.396
I don't drink Like I'm.
00:37:43.396 --> 00:37:45.119
My name is Christopher Michael Sullivan, you know what I mean.
00:37:45.139 --> 00:37:50.208
And alcohol has played some role in my Irish lineage for many, many thousands of years.
00:37:50.208 --> 00:37:58.938
So it just like doesn't I don't want to drink and I'm around drink it's just like doesn't seem like a thing that I like to do.
00:37:58.938 --> 00:38:12.295
I I like using cannabis because I can function normally, I don't feel out of control, I don't make any decisions that like aren't good for me, and it opens me up to be more open and honest.
00:38:12.295 --> 00:38:26.797
And like I'm living in a unnatural kind of place and like I experience a lot of unnatural experiences and I have to also deal with a lot of profound suffering.
00:38:26.797 --> 00:38:59.063
Just around me all the time there's people living in tents, there's people with like open wounds and like things that I'm like walking to work, seeing you know, and so it's just like I raw dog life for a long time and like who I am, spilled out in sexual relationships, it spilled out in eating, it spilled out in all these things that felt like a lot heavier to control and to like, kind of like, be on top of, and when I started using cannabis, none of those things exist.
00:39:00.014 --> 00:39:21.855
You know what I mean and it's like it, it it directs a certain kind of energy and it directs it away from places that it just would over spill into, you know, and I'd rather self-medicate with cannabis than take any pharmaceutical or any unnatural, and I, luckily I, live like again.
00:39:21.855 --> 00:39:35.585
Everything is specific for me, you know, like this is not advice that I want to give to anyone, but I don't care what anyone else has to say and I don't listen to anyone else either.
00:39:35.585 --> 00:39:52.958
Like you can't tell me what to do, I'm just like that type of person, but I will figure out what to do through my own discovery, right in my own experience, and like I've had many therapists say, you know, they never give me advice because they know.
00:39:52.958 --> 00:40:00.400
I know, you know, and this is how I process things, by just like talking about it, you know you know.
00:40:00.420 --> 00:40:01.500
So, like in 10 years.
00:40:01.500 --> 00:40:09.181
If you picture yourself 10 years from now, do you feel like you'll still be using cannabis the same way you do now?
00:40:09.762 --> 00:40:13.782
No, but I don't think I'm doing I'll be doing anything the same way I'm doing it now.
00:40:13.782 --> 00:40:15.923
You know, I'm really under.
00:40:15.923 --> 00:40:18.123
I really understand my cycles.
00:40:18.123 --> 00:40:21.005
Now I understand how my wife works.
00:40:21.005 --> 00:40:41.409
This is the fourth giant upheaval of my life and, like I used to blame drugs and alcohol, or like stinking thinking or whatever we say in that stupid thing, but it happens to my brother, it happens to my father, it happens to everyone in my family.
00:40:41.409 --> 00:40:54.652
We go through these cyclical life experiences and what I realize now 2024 was like a lot harder, because I had to build everything back Right and I had no money.
00:40:54.652 --> 00:41:07.601
So everything that I have now is through the sweat of my own personality and my own body, and that's what I had to use.
00:41:07.601 --> 00:41:08.262
You know what I mean.
00:41:08.262 --> 00:41:09.347
And, uh, I lost my train of thought there.
00:41:09.347 --> 00:41:09.728
But what were?
00:41:09.728 --> 00:41:10.733
What was the, the, what we were going?
00:41:10.733 --> 00:41:11.936
I know I've been ranting.
00:41:11.956 --> 00:41:24.000
It's gone, it's gone gave me the opportunity to no, but I can't guess and rant, so I did no but um I've just been using my own power and and 2023,.
00:41:24.380 --> 00:41:28.282
I started using cannabis because it's just like why not?
00:41:28.282 --> 00:41:32.005
You know, like three men in my people family died.
00:41:32.005 --> 00:41:33.746
I was battling a court case.
00:41:33.746 --> 00:41:35.467
It was just like what was I going to do?
00:41:35.467 --> 00:41:52.396
I can't just like constantly be doing breath work in front of people to kind of like regulate myself, you know, and cannabis held me like a baby and I'm a big plant medicine person and I don't think plant medicine is just regulated to like every three months.
00:41:52.396 --> 00:41:59.322
You have one experience Like there's ayahuasca groups out there that you take ayahuasca weekly for months.
00:41:59.422 --> 00:42:03.155
You know, like you use these plants I mean drink your tea every day.
00:42:03.155 --> 00:42:04.353
Like plants are here for us, you know, and they're these plants I mean drink your tea every day.
00:42:04.353 --> 00:42:10.253
Like plants are here for us, you know, and they're not here for us to just like occasionally use.
00:42:10.253 --> 00:42:11.956
Like we're a part of the earth.
00:42:11.956 --> 00:42:17.902
You know you have to eat every day, you have to do certain things every day, and I'm saying I mean use cannabis every day.
00:42:17.902 --> 00:42:25.327
But I was definitely not going to get down on myself and beat myself up about smoking it in the morning or every day or whatever.
00:42:25.327 --> 00:42:27.643
Like I do not care.
00:42:28.876 --> 00:42:35.929
Which I think is an important part of using any substance is to not, if you cannot, demonize it right.
00:42:35.954 --> 00:42:42.083
Well, you have to build, you have to cultivate awareness, right, you have to, whether you're using drugs or not.
00:42:42.083 --> 00:42:45.201
If you're using drugs right now, every day, that's okay.
00:42:45.201 --> 00:42:48.427
Like you have to let go of the monster it is.
00:42:48.427 --> 00:42:51.458
You know, it's like you've lived this long so far.
00:42:51.458 --> 00:43:03.748
Work with it, start leaning into, like this, like you know Kali type stuff, like start lean into the suffering, then you're making a choice, then you can control your choices.
00:43:03.748 --> 00:43:31.851
But if you're allowing yourself to just be controlled by something else you know even that desire thing when you feel this pull and you're like no, I don't want to just do it, just stop fighting with yourself, and what happens is like you start to overcome this stuff and that's the problem with 12-step is like it's seeped into culture in a way that makes people think this disease is incurable.
00:43:31.851 --> 00:43:40.918
This is a mental illness, it's incurable, you can't do anything about it and that is just utter nonsense which is the christianity.
00:43:41.018 --> 00:43:48.929
Like you're born bad it's the, it's the precipice of original sin is the biggest misconception and lie to that.
00:43:48.929 --> 00:43:50.634
That has been changed with christianity.
00:43:50.634 --> 00:43:51.396
Control people.
00:43:51.396 --> 00:43:56.565
You know, if you're sick and tired and addicted, you're controllable.
00:43:56.565 --> 00:44:02.501
You know, and that's what I've learned with these people giving me money and all this stuff is like.
00:44:02.501 --> 00:44:28.981
And I have this I took like eight grams of mushrooms and a little bit of MDMA and I made TikToks and I told the truth, I never posted them but I was like, look, I was such, I was so much easily manipulated as a sober person you could manipulate and control the shit out of me, because all I was left was with my trauma reactions.
00:44:29.463 --> 00:44:33.438
I'm only left with my trauma and with nobody to help me heal that.
00:44:33.438 --> 00:44:36.284
I am reacting to life constantly.
00:44:36.284 --> 00:44:51.545
That's all I'm doing, and so I'm just living off this idea that I'm no longer a loser because I'm not drinking or smoking crack which I did and like that's all I have to fill myself up with.
00:44:51.545 --> 00:45:01.684
I'm not a loser anymore, and it's just like you can't create anything from that standpoint and also it's just such.
00:45:01.684 --> 00:45:08.784
It's like trying to live with your arm tied behind your back, you know, and it just doesn't make any sense.
00:45:08.884 --> 00:45:16.884
The more I stay, stand back and it's like, oh, why would you take some 22 year old kid and throw him in this place?
00:45:16.884 --> 00:45:21.559
And and it's like, oh, you had no other options for yourself.
00:45:21.559 --> 00:45:33.884
And you're so scared, and like I know so many kids that were touched and like abused in these places, and just like it's just so sad.
00:45:33.884 --> 00:45:42.596
So, yeah, like if I smoke cannabis every day for the rest of my life, so be it All well, you know all well.
00:45:42.596 --> 00:45:46.675
And it's like it's such a All well, you know all well, and it's like it's such a low stakes thing, you know.
00:45:46.675 --> 00:45:48.222
It's like, oh, my armpits are sweaty.
00:45:48.222 --> 00:45:49.105
I haven't smoked today.
00:45:49.105 --> 00:45:50.701
I might yell at someone.
00:45:50.701 --> 00:45:52.201
It's like, okay, you know.
00:45:53.675 --> 00:45:55.583
And you weren't a runner before this.
00:45:55.583 --> 00:45:58.304
You just started running and now you're like do you feel like you're a runner?
00:45:58.304 --> 00:46:40.081
No-transcript what does stability look like in your life, and do you won't fucking hate that?
00:46:42.025 --> 00:46:53.286
no, I mean like I've been praying for stability, you know, and like my practice as like just me as an individual just creates that within myself.
00:46:53.367 --> 00:47:07.675
I'm a tourist, right, so it's like I have to, I have to figure, I had to figure out how to create this safe, comfortable, okay, place, uh, no matter where I go, right, and uh, I have my own.
00:47:07.675 --> 00:47:20.503
Like you know, cannabis health with that, um, I am like I can't act, like I'm super regulated or like everything hasn't been in flux for me for two years, you know.
00:47:20.503 --> 00:47:34.478
So, again, like that's where I see the like my cannabis use being like flared up, you know, and like allowing me to kind of get through all this stuff land and like settle it out.
00:47:34.478 --> 00:47:36.081
And then it's like I won't want to.
00:47:36.081 --> 00:47:37.626
You know what I mean.
00:47:37.626 --> 00:47:56.045
It's like I just do what I want to do, right, and like I kind of been doing that for a long time and I know that, like I just won't want to feel that way after a while and it's like that's the kind of like sad part about this.
00:47:56.045 --> 00:47:57.840
It was just like it's really that easy.
00:48:03.315 --> 00:48:23.909
It really is that easy, you know, and uh, but we make it complicated, you know well, we, just you know what semantics has told me showed me, is that I just I'm like there's no one else in control, there's nothing else in control, and like I just have to stop fighting my desires.
00:48:23.909 --> 00:48:51.030
You know, and like you know, the easiest way to quit smoking cigarettes is to the gourd yourself on cigarettes, you know yeah, just really get after it and then see if you want to smoke quickly yeah, you know, it's like no, but you know we don't have the time or the sacrifice in our lives to really take the time for ourselves and like build this awareness, build a, you know, like stop making your brain your enemy.
00:48:51.255 --> 00:49:15.764
Like my thoughts are my friends, my mind is my friend, you know, just like my hands, like when I take psychedelics, I thank my hands and my feet, and like my body it's really holding all of this for me, it's doing all the work, you know, and it's only in these fights I have with my mind and my subconscious that like really causes me all this suffering.
00:49:15.764 --> 00:49:20.121
You know my desires, you know it's like that four noble truths thing.
00:49:20.121 --> 00:49:30.610
It's like how do we harmonize with our desires and stuff to like decrease the amount of suffering and stop putting so much emphasis on our shit and our stuff?
00:49:30.610 --> 00:49:32.717
And like what we're healing from and what we're?
00:49:32.717 --> 00:49:37.322
You know, it's like there's these cycles in life and it's what I'm making TikToks about now.
00:49:37.434 --> 00:49:38.661
It's like when is this over?
00:49:38.661 --> 00:49:49.083
Like I just want to wake up, like Sachiko, my 92 year old union, and she's like, yeah, I do my little meditation and I just like do I just do, you know?
00:49:49.083 --> 00:49:59.742
And I want to get to a place where I just wake up and do and I'm not like, oh, I didn't meditate and do the thing, I didn't do the thing I did, my fucking 10 step process of kundalini awakening.
00:49:59.742 --> 00:50:00.923
It's like, dude, chill.
00:50:00.923 --> 00:50:02.567
You know, like let's just be normal.
00:50:02.567 --> 00:50:08.824
You know it's taking so much work for us just to get to a normal place, but I think that's being present.
00:50:08.925 --> 00:50:11.056
That's that is what's being like.
00:50:11.056 --> 00:50:21.293
Attacked essentially is you're either thinking about the future or the past and you're not present because sometimes the present is not fun or not boring or not.
00:50:21.293 --> 00:50:31.550
Sometimes we're like kind of addicted to the pain or addicted to the shadow, or we have these patterns that are just so etched into our brain that you have to be really intentional.
00:50:31.550 --> 00:50:46.570
It takes a lot of work to deviate from that and how do we love ourselves through that and be really gentle that it's not going to be our innate way to just be present, but it's the fight to do that Totally.
00:50:46.795 --> 00:50:54.184
Well, like in AA, it's like I'm superstitious, it's like my practice became my superstition.
00:50:54.485 --> 00:50:54.806
Yeah.
00:50:54.954 --> 00:50:57.592
Where, if I didn't do it, something bad was going to happen.
00:50:57.813 --> 00:50:58.014
Right.
00:50:58.476 --> 00:51:00.400
And I think we can get into.
00:51:00.400 --> 00:51:12.204
Like my astrology warns me about getting too heavy into spirituality, too heavy into substances and stuff, because it's like I get lost in these places and I can join another cult.
00:51:12.204 --> 00:51:14.827
You know, and I have to.
00:51:14.827 --> 00:51:21.184
I have to realize and empower myself regularly and it's like self-empowerment is the key.
00:51:21.184 --> 00:51:24.442
Self-realization is the key Ram Dass talks about is the key.
00:51:24.442 --> 00:51:25.114
Self-realization is the key.
00:51:25.114 --> 00:51:25.737
Ram Dass talks about it all the time he goes.
00:51:25.797 --> 00:51:29.827
You know, whatever's getting you out of that trap is a trap too, you know.
00:51:29.827 --> 00:51:33.806
And it's like use the tool and get out of the trap.
00:51:33.806 --> 00:51:35.481
Use the tool, get out of the trap.
00:51:35.481 --> 00:51:40.153
Don't worship the gate, okay, go in the door.
00:51:40.153 --> 00:51:45.331
And it's like that's the lesson with psychedelics Don't worship the psychedelics, they're just the door.
00:51:45.331 --> 00:51:53.204
You know, they're not the God, right, you are the ultimate I, you are God.
00:51:54.010 --> 00:51:57.554
And it's like people just bristle with that idea.
00:51:57.554 --> 00:52:03.822
There's so much resistance to this idea that you have met no one else but yourself.
00:52:03.822 --> 00:52:13.284
And that's like, dude, me and you are living in completely different dimensions, not just realities dimensions.
00:52:13.284 --> 00:53:06.733
You know, and like you are a mirror of me, you know, and like I've just taken these opportunities to embody that in my socializing in my relationships and just try my practice is really just trying to constantly observe, observe what is happening in that context of mirror of I'm the only person in this world and that all these things are just like little avenues of either love or things I hate about myself or things that just irk me, you know, and like when I can live like that, I can live in this like Zelda type role playing game, you know, and nothing's that big of a deal and I become so adaptable, you know nothing's that big of a deal and I become so adaptable, you know.
00:53:06.753 --> 00:53:18.891
Yeah, it's so interesting because I feel like part of your personality is is extremist, of like you want to fucking go balls to the wall into everything, into the one thing, to understand it, and then the work is like then peeling it back.
00:53:18.891 --> 00:53:20.012
Okay, what do I want from that?
00:53:20.012 --> 00:53:20.572
You know?
00:53:20.572 --> 00:53:27.282
But I just feel like it's such a part of you to to like immerse yourself into something so hard, so quickly.
00:53:27.282 --> 00:53:30.306
So how do you love that part too?
00:53:30.306 --> 00:53:35.161
And and and balance that out, but not demonize that, you know.
00:53:35.630 --> 00:53:38.293
I think of life like a, like a spectrum.
00:53:38.293 --> 00:53:39.456
You know what I mean.
00:53:39.456 --> 00:53:47.266
And it's only your own courage that allows you to hit these, these more outer edges of the spectrum.
00:53:47.266 --> 00:54:06.612
And it's like I've positioned myself in life to be able to explore the edges through not trying to domesticate my thinking, my kind of career thinking, my kind of career.
00:54:06.612 --> 00:54:09.643
You know, people find a lot of safety and security in this like pre-packaged understanding of, like what they need to do.
00:54:09.643 --> 00:54:14.675
And then you see a lot of people rebelling with like polyamory and like all this stuff.
00:54:14.697 --> 00:54:45.985
But it seems so neocon, like neolib nonsense that like nobody really wants to explore these ways of thinking and only like people like myself who like embody um, kind of this adventurous, um fucking attitudes that get to really feel you know, I'm just here to feel, you know, I want to feel what it has to offer and I'm willing to pay the the like.
00:54:45.985 --> 00:54:49.353
Oh, this really fucking hurts to feel the like.
00:54:49.353 --> 00:54:54.181
Oh, dude, did you get that?
00:54:54.181 --> 00:54:55.704
Oh, my god.
00:54:55.784 --> 00:55:03.824
And just, it's something to talk about for years, right, and it's like a lot of people are, they just can't do it.
00:55:03.824 --> 00:55:15.599
And what's beautiful is that, like psychedelics is like that good link into understanding, like like nothing you can do about it.
00:55:15.599 --> 00:55:33.090
You're going to feel that ancient trauma breaking in your life and then, when you're out climbing a mountain and you're not on psychedelics, you get to really feel that sunset, really feel what you just accomplished by, like, hiking up that mountain.
00:55:33.090 --> 00:55:40.702
You know, and that's kind of what, that's the little essence key of life that I figured out for myself.
00:55:40.702 --> 00:55:55.856
And, like kids and you know, partnership would be only to exemplify or expand those experiences with them, you know, and like it's not the point, it's only to share.
00:55:56.789 --> 00:55:57.231
And does that?
00:55:57.231 --> 00:55:58.496
Is that something you want?
00:55:58.496 --> 00:55:59.498
To have kids?
00:56:00.474 --> 00:56:17.601
It's not like those kinds of things aren't like desires in me, but there's something that I'd be willing and like happily would take on as responsibilities, like my dog taught me like that I would happily like embody that role, and you know.
00:56:17.601 --> 00:56:19.512
So that's, that's all I'm going off of.
00:56:19.512 --> 00:56:19.813
I'm all.
00:56:19.813 --> 00:56:20.172
I'm like.
00:56:20.172 --> 00:56:21.376
You know time's running out.
00:56:21.376 --> 00:56:23.280
I don't want to be an old dad.
00:56:23.280 --> 00:56:25.726
All I'm going off of I'm like you know time's running out.
00:56:25.726 --> 00:56:26.909
I don't want to be an old dad.
00:56:26.909 --> 00:56:30.751
You know what I mean.
00:56:30.751 --> 00:56:32.117
So it's like we'll see what happens, but you know it's not.
00:56:32.117 --> 00:56:35.449
I don't have any like grand plans for my life, you know, and like let it, that was easy to let go of.
00:56:36.150 --> 00:56:38.153
Yeah, I mean, I just think that's a part of you.
00:56:38.153 --> 00:56:44.266
You're just like feeling all the things and going through life without an agenda.
00:56:44.947 --> 00:56:53.903
Well, listen, my dog was given to me as a gift and she's like a special like people pay many thousands of dollars for a dog.
00:56:53.903 --> 00:56:55.916
She was given to me as a gift.
00:56:55.916 --> 00:57:00.570
It was my time to have a dog, you know, and I knew it would happen.
00:57:00.570 --> 00:57:04.021
That way I would never buy a dog, you know what I mean.
00:57:04.021 --> 00:57:05.275
I never even rescue a dog.
00:57:05.275 --> 00:57:06.574
I knew that.
00:57:06.574 --> 00:57:11.300
It would just come to me and so I see a family or a wife or something like that.
00:57:12.311 --> 00:57:17.518
It's just like how it happens and it needs to be a woman who really wants me.
00:57:17.518 --> 00:57:22.373
You know that is willing to go and get me Because I'm not easy to wrangle.
00:57:22.373 --> 00:57:24.016
You know that is willing to go and get me because I'm not easy to wrangle.
00:57:24.016 --> 00:57:41.481
You know, and so and I come from big like I always describe my influence as like I come from big witches, you know, and if you got the power to fight that influence and that you know stuff in me and then them, then you might be worthy.
00:57:41.481 --> 00:57:48.277
You know what I mean, but you gotta like, you gotta navigate that and know what I mean, but you got to like, you got to navigate that and it's all going to look like me being an asshole.
00:57:49.239 --> 00:57:51.317
Yeah, and I do think there's part.
00:57:51.317 --> 00:58:01.514
Yes, and you know, what I've learned about relationships as well is what I want to call in I have to give to myself also.
00:58:02.838 --> 00:58:05.255
Exactly, I'm a big, powerful witch too.
00:58:05.476 --> 00:58:17.913
Right right, there's a standard and there's a bar, but there's also like this is what I'm willing to give someone else too, and this is what I want from them Like this yeah, I mean that's.
00:58:18.255 --> 00:58:18.496
You know.
00:58:18.496 --> 00:58:22.974
That's something I didn't describe, which is like you know.
00:58:22.974 --> 00:58:28.202
You have access to something that I have spent years suffering cultivating.
00:58:28.202 --> 00:58:36.728
You know what I mean, which is me, and unless you've done that for yourself, it's going to feel like I'm the boss.
00:58:36.728 --> 00:58:43.873
You know, yeah, and I'm going to be your coach Right, and I'm going to be your guide, because I'm not coming down to hang out with you, you're coming up with me.
00:58:44.695 --> 00:58:46.681
Or is she accelerating you?
00:58:49.956 --> 00:58:50.960
I would love that.
00:58:50.960 --> 00:58:55.951
There's plenty that I'm deficient in or need help with my business partner.
00:58:55.951 --> 00:59:00.300
The reason we work is because he's not good at the things I'm good at.
00:59:01.081 --> 00:59:02.644
You know what I mean Exactly.
00:59:02.925 --> 00:59:10.398
And but I, you know that's very clear between us where we excel and where we're like a contrasting pair.
00:59:10.398 --> 00:59:21.398
And you know, for like in relationships is a little tougher for me because I've been taking care of myself and I could probably cook better than you.
00:59:21.398 --> 00:59:22.702
You know what I mean.
00:59:22.702 --> 00:59:35.416
I can do things at a standard in which I, like you know it's pretty high, and so, like, how do you present that in a way without feeling better than them or like trying to make you know?
00:59:35.416 --> 00:59:42.701
It's like dating's tough, you know, and the older you get, tougher it gets, because people are really set in how they do things.
00:59:42.701 --> 00:59:46.750
Older you get, tougher it gets, because people are really set in how they do things.
00:59:46.750 --> 00:59:57.943
And so but I'm like I love a challenge, you know, and I like working through with stuff and I'm not like I'm not going to, like I know how to be vulnerable, you know, because I'm not afraid of being vulnerable.
00:59:57.943 --> 01:00:00.237
There's nothing you can take from me, it's all gone.
01:00:00.489 --> 01:00:02.175
Right, we've been through hell and back.
01:00:02.275 --> 01:00:08.338
Yeah, go for it, do your worst, but there's also this like am I ready, do I?
01:00:08.338 --> 01:00:17.711
I don't really have, like I can't like be taking a woman out to dinner constantly and like really like courting them properly, and so do I not date?
01:00:17.711 --> 01:00:18.592
Do I date?
01:00:18.592 --> 01:00:27.726
You know, it's like I'm not in this space yet where everything's smooth and easy and I got plenty of loot and like things are working out.
01:00:27.726 --> 01:00:30.777
But I did download Hinge the other day.
01:00:30.777 --> 01:00:32.362
I'll tell you why.
01:00:32.362 --> 01:00:33.936
It's a funny story.
01:00:36.050 --> 01:00:53.416
So I spent Christmas and New Year's with my mom in Florida and cannabis is legal in Florida but you have to have a medical card and my mom lives in like a 75 and up neighborhood, like everyone's old there, and no one smokes weed.
01:00:53.416 --> 01:01:15.052
So I thought, oh, I'm going to be here a while, I'll download a dating app and just set my preferences to only cannabis users and I'll go on a date with someone and have them take me to the store and like, I'll help them buy some weed you know, and then are you clear about like hey, I actually don't want to go on a date, I would like to go to a cannabis store yeah, I wrote every.
01:01:15.192 --> 01:01:17.300
I wrote my intentions on the thing.
01:01:17.300 --> 01:01:20.110
I knew that no one would care because I'm handsome, right.
01:01:20.110 --> 01:01:21.132
So who gives a shit?
01:01:21.132 --> 01:01:25.880
Right, they get to hang out with someone and like it was just to see if it would, I could make it happen.
01:01:25.880 --> 01:01:42.315
Well, that didn't happen and some old guy that my mom knew took me to the store anyway and like he's great, I love John, he's this, he's how I want to be when I'm old, just getting out and hanging out playing croquet every day.
01:01:42.315 --> 01:01:45.596
You know and you know.
01:01:45.795 --> 01:02:09.336
So I just kept the hinge on my phone and you, I'm really not motivated to be like hyper forward or like try to get something.
01:02:09.336 --> 01:02:30.360
You know, and there's a lot of men and women in this community that are same way and like, luckily, what I've built for myself is very attractive, wellness oriented and, like you know, I somehow couldn't pay my rent in a cute little apartment, silver lake, but now I live in a beautiful house with all these amenities in echo park.
01:02:30.360 --> 01:02:31.143
You know what I mean.
01:02:31.143 --> 01:02:52.509
So it's like, as sad as it, all intentions are really like not negative in any way, like I just want to be a good guy, I just want to help people.
01:02:52.509 --> 01:03:05.320
I have so many great tools and understandings of myself that makes me really powerful at helping people and also, like I'm done, helping people.
01:03:05.800 --> 01:03:06.402
You know what I mean?
01:03:06.869 --> 01:03:38.650
Yeah, responsibility, I'm no longer like seeking out human beings to encourage or help, like I did in AA, like I would collect human beings to sponsor and I would be responsible for their results and I would do all this stuff that just kept me away from my own life and kept me from engaging in aspects of life that I failed at, and so I would just help more people, you know, and it that kind of shit turned on me, I mean got me arrested, right.
01:03:38.650 --> 01:03:48.916
So it's like this these are the lessons that I learned about myself in my 20s and 30s that now it's like no, I don't help people, I empower others.
01:03:48.916 --> 01:03:53.420
I empower others to get a hold of themselves so they can get a grip.
01:03:54.121 --> 01:04:17.385
You know, finally, for once, you know get a grip, just breathe, you know, and it's as simple as that yeah, and I think sometimes we can do that just by I think with your tiktoks, like just by leading, like hey, this is the shit I'm going through right now, like let me know if you're doing the same thing or if that resonates like it doesn't always have to be like you have to do this one thing or I'm going to create this space for you.
01:04:17.385 --> 01:04:18.431
That's a part of it.
01:04:18.431 --> 01:04:24.384
But when we can just be ourselves, like that can also be very empowering to other people.
01:04:24.789 --> 01:04:26.976
Well, I realized that that's all I've ever had.
01:04:26.976 --> 01:04:27.960
You know what I mean.
01:04:27.960 --> 01:04:35.077
It was like it was just who I was that helped people get sober and it's how I disseminated the information in the Alcoholics Anonymous book.
01:04:35.077 --> 01:04:37.463
That allowed them to understand in the first place.
01:04:37.463 --> 01:04:40.614
And I never really sought people out, people always came to me.
01:04:41.014 --> 01:04:42.278
But I was very vocal in AA.
01:04:42.449 --> 01:04:43.913
I would talk at meetings all the time.
01:04:43.972 --> 01:05:01.460
I would share, you know, I would say these I I'm really good at creating mic drop kind of moments and like impactful speeches and like I, just I, my gift is really like taking complex information and putting it in a practical terms, like I'm really good at that.
01:05:01.521 --> 01:05:08.561
And then I understand, like why my TikTok is like building and growing and and and people resonate with it.
01:05:08.561 --> 01:05:47.103
And I just have to be conscious of like what my motivations are and like, um, you know, I've been really tiptoeing around a stuff on my TikTok because I don't want to be abrasive or like bristle and use my own like kind of anger towards it to like influence others to be negative, right, and so I I see some people I'm following some people on TikTok that have very clear, very succinct opinions that are right about TikTok and how misogynist it is and how it is full fundamentalist Christianism.
01:05:47.103 --> 01:05:51.376
You cannot change a couple words in it and it'd be okay.
01:05:51.376 --> 01:06:02.719
It does not help people, because I have seen many people pass away trying to get 12-step.
01:06:02.719 --> 01:06:12.661
They blame the disease when it's the solution to that, that is, keeping that person down, and they have no alternatives right, right.
01:06:12.780 --> 01:06:23.197
There is nothing else yeah, a thousand people rejoice on the grave of a million and it's like they all go look what it did for us, look how it saved us, as they dance on the dead.
01:06:23.197 --> 01:06:24.260
They're dead friends.
01:06:24.260 --> 01:06:25.742
You know what I mean.
01:06:25.742 --> 01:06:33.581
It's just, it's strange, and it's so hard to get that perspective in it.
01:06:34.163 --> 01:06:38.221
Right, no, that's the cult part you got to.
01:06:39.112 --> 01:06:43.983
So me saying that only helps the people who are already out.
01:06:44.670 --> 01:06:47.119
Or thinking about it, thinking about getting out.
01:06:47.550 --> 01:06:53.664
You know, I just don't see how it's effective for the people I'm actually trying to reach, which are people in AA.
01:06:53.664 --> 01:07:11.315
So what I would like to do is to just reframe my 12-step talk into there's other solutions out there, and that there's other solutions out there and that there's other options out there, and they aren't as structured and they're not and they don't have anything to do with the medical community.
01:07:11.315 --> 01:07:25.224
You know, I mean that's the big issue is that they made it a disease and so now capitalism is involved, because our medical system is fucked and that is the medical system unregulated, which is even more fucked.
01:07:25.224 --> 01:07:40.081
It's like the wild wild west, with rehabs and halfway houses and you can see it on TikTok and every social media where these pieces of places are falling apart and they're like just horrible avenues for deeper addictions.
01:07:40.322 --> 01:07:41.224
And codependency.
01:07:42.092 --> 01:07:43.237
Oh, the codependency.
01:07:43.237 --> 01:07:47.672
We could do a whole podcast about that I know yeah, Chris.
01:07:47.692 --> 01:07:48.856
well, this was so fun.
01:07:48.856 --> 01:07:51.018
I'm so glad we got to pop on here.
01:07:51.018 --> 01:07:56.543
Will you tell everybody about Mohawk Wellness Collective and what they offer and where to find?
01:07:56.623 --> 01:07:56.682
it.
01:07:56.682 --> 01:07:59.338
Mohawk Wellness Collective is in Echo Park.
01:07:59.338 --> 01:08:13.639
It is a wellness center that me and my friend Jacob Saladania have started and it is here to serve the Echo Park Silver Lake community with somatic healing.
01:08:13.639 --> 01:08:24.682
So sauna, cold plunge, breath work, sound healing massage, trauma-related massage, qhttp, quantum hypnotherapy.
01:08:24.743 --> 01:08:25.104
Have you done?
01:08:25.144 --> 01:08:27.654
that yeah, my friend is a practitioner.
01:08:28.015 --> 01:08:29.198
Yes, I've also done it.
01:08:29.350 --> 01:08:32.337
So any kind of like woo-woo therapeutic stuff.
01:08:32.337 --> 01:08:33.860
We have practitioners.
01:08:34.020 --> 01:08:34.462
I love it.
01:08:34.502 --> 01:08:47.916
And people and we're building right now, so we're just open for sauna, cold plunge breathwork classes, and it's all communal plunge breath work classes, and it's all communal.
01:08:47.916 --> 01:08:58.608
So part of what has really benefited me is the social aspect of somatic wellness and how making new friends and being part of a new community can be so in person, yeah we do co-working and different things like that.
01:08:58.608 --> 01:09:04.561
We just want people to come to the house and hang out fun, yeah, so mohawkwellnesscollectivecom.
01:09:04.742 --> 01:09:15.715
Awesome, we're on Instagram and we're going to start a TikTok soon and then I guess you can follow me on Run, Sully Run, where I just talk about.
01:09:15.715 --> 01:09:19.042
You know just a guy talking to his phone, yeah.
01:09:19.411 --> 01:09:20.775
If you're a lady, you'll love it.
01:09:20.775 --> 01:09:33.273
You'll love it somehow Also maybe you can give me some advice for a wrap up.
01:09:33.273 --> 01:09:51.319
Like I don't understand what resonates with women and my personality in a world where I think women feel very connected to other women but not connected to um masculine men yeah, and not in a masculine men, but like it's.
01:09:52.822 --> 01:09:54.345
I mean, you'll see it, you'll see it.
01:09:54.345 --> 01:10:02.596
There's other I mean dudes on there that are like spiritual and like in their feelings, and all the comments are like oh my god, you're, you're so blah, blah, blah, blah blah.
01:10:02.596 --> 01:10:12.381
Because it's like something they see in themselves, they're seeing in a possible counterpart, or oh, this can exist in a man, whoa.
01:10:12.381 --> 01:10:22.095
So I think that's what it is, and also, I think, just the frequency of what you are speaking about, they can relate so much to that.
01:10:22.115 --> 01:10:25.363
it's so easy you know, get a lot of like.
01:10:25.363 --> 01:10:32.453
I'm going through this, I understand it and I just assume that I'm connecting more with, like, a feminine idea.
01:10:32.453 --> 01:10:39.411
You know, and um you know, all the people who have really helped me and supported me have been women.
01:10:39.591 --> 01:10:47.145
I mean you have a deep connection with women absolutely like past life, now, whatever, so it's easy for you.
01:10:47.145 --> 01:10:49.047
And then also, what's kind of fucked up is?
01:10:49.047 --> 01:11:05.090
You have a huge mother wound and so there's this is the gemini piece is like you're, you're constantly, you're in the emotional world and then you're like so hurt by the emotional world and you really kind of balancing that out is like your purpose here, you know yeah, the astrology.
01:11:06.052 --> 01:11:10.284
Um, they call me the wounded healer yes, chiron, isn't it chiron?
01:11:10.284 --> 01:11:15.537
Yeah, I have a big chiron conjunction or something that makes me the wounded healer.
01:11:15.636 --> 01:11:17.060
Yeah, yeah, yeah, welcome.
01:11:17.100 --> 01:11:26.256
So uh, I don't love that you know I'd like to be not wounded, um, but I think we found like a really good place for the next 10 years.
01:11:26.256 --> 01:11:31.661
You know, maybe, that like I can sit and like learn from and grow from without like a lot of destruction.
01:11:31.661 --> 01:11:58.775
And you know, one thing I knew going into this is that I had not been fucking up, fucking up and like, even though all that stuff happened, and like I had to be a villain to my landlord and to like other people and things like that, which is like I couldn't show up the way I promised to or pay them back the way I promised to, and like embodying.
01:11:58.775 --> 01:11:58.936
That.
01:11:58.936 --> 01:12:09.212
That's okay and that also, like I have worked my life it all my life and like trying to be of service to others.
01:12:09.212 --> 01:12:24.198
And if I needed to experience this, it wasn't because, like I created it in a way that's like oh, you're such a bad guy and you've been living this way for so many years and you deserve to like have this destruction in your life.
01:12:24.270 --> 01:12:35.289
Like I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, I had not been living that way, you know, and so going through this stuff allowed me to like look, man, I did not fucking make this happen.
01:12:35.289 --> 01:12:41.764
Yeah, I may have, like, created some things where it's a little bit worse, but I am not.
01:12:41.764 --> 01:12:52.514
This is not my fault, and I can get through this and it's going to be okay, and there's a lot of people that are going to show up in my life, that are going to support me, and that's exactly what happened.
01:12:52.514 --> 01:13:05.393
You know, and I think that's available for anyone, because most of us are are just like trying to be the best we can, and yet we fail a lot of things, but we emphasize that failure to make us feel like losers.
01:13:06.395 --> 01:13:19.079
you know what I mean and then we get stuck there you can't evaluate our life compartmentally and go I'm doing great here, I'm doing great here, like I can't do anything better here and this part I need to work on, but it's as an encompassing whole.
01:13:19.079 --> 01:13:26.934
I'm okay, you know, and I think if we can just get ourselves in a place like that, we can find real solutions.
01:13:26.934 --> 01:13:31.493
But if we're just always in the battle with the one thing and we're fucked, yeah.
01:13:31.493 --> 01:13:32.777
You know exactly.
01:13:32.917 --> 01:13:33.439
The spiral.
01:13:33.500 --> 01:13:41.779
That's kind of what the message I want to carry to other people, which is like yeah, it's okay, like we can get through this and it's all within us.
01:13:41.779 --> 01:13:45.965
You know, all got it, yeah oh, chris, I love this.
01:13:45.965 --> 01:13:48.377
Thank you so much thank you for having me.
01:13:48.377 --> 01:13:49.983
Yeah, I'm so appreciative.
01:13:50.023 --> 01:13:55.636
Yeah, yeah and we'll put all that in the show notes your tiktok and uh mohawk wellness collective.
01:13:55.636 --> 01:14:00.614
So yay, awesome thank you so much for listening to our show.
01:14:00.614 --> 01:14:05.016
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01:14:05.016 --> 01:14:08.948
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