WEBVTT
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Hey there and welcome to Conversations Worth Your While.
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It's the podcast where we dig into ideas and insights to help you to unleash what you were born to bring.
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I chat with heart led experts and I ask the questions that I know you're already thinking about, and then we explore conversations that will spark growth, shift perspectives, and help you to show up fully in your life, in your career, and in your community.
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Today we are exploring like if you're a great leader at work, but then at home you were not thinking about leading.
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Um so we're talking about leading your family with intention.
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It's gonna be such a great conversation and it's worth your while because at work we put so much energy into vision and culture, and we rarely stop to think about being that intentional with our own families.
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So when we have a vision for our family, then we know what we're working towards.
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So today my guest and I are gonna talk about how to bring that same leadership style, or maybe not style, but that same intentional leadership home, because intentional leadership at home matters, and we're gonna share exactly why and how today.
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So I'm your host, Linda Booker.
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And if you're living a life that no longer fits you, uh this space is for you.
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Um, because you are here to do the thing you are here to do, and I am here to guide you to do that.
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And through my coaching and this podcast, I guide purpose-driven people to reconnect who they truly are, to let go of what they have outgrown, and to create a life that feels fully aligned and deeply impactful.
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So if that sparks something within you, you can find me at lyndabooker.com.
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Once again, today we're gonna have a great conversation, and I have the pleasure of being joined by Janet Krebs of Raising Independence.
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And Janet's making her unique positive ripples in the world in her unique way.
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Janet helps parents bring that same leadership they show up all day at work with home to their own kitchen table because the culture we create at home impacts the culture and communities in which we live.
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So, Janet, thank you so much for being my guest on Conversations Worth Your While.
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Thank you.
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I've really actually been looking forward to this.
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I know too, yeah.
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Okay, so before we get started with our conversation, can you tell the audience a little bit more about what you do and who you serve?
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Whew.
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Well, my well, it's fine.
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Well, it's interesting because my work is different from uh what a lot of people are working on right now, which is business.
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My work actually sits at the intersection of organizations and family.
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And I'm really on a mission of uh lots of missions, personally for families at home, but we have to change the conversation.
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So I'm it's it's it's really a question.
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Why do we have organizational leadership and we don't think about it at home?
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So let's bring it home.
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The transferable skills are really golden.
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Yeah, yeah, I 100% agree.
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So let's talk a little bit about this.
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Let's just dive right in.
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So, all right, you've mentioned we're out in the workplace working for our corporations, the top-down approach.
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Let's here's the mission and the vision for the corporation.
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Here's where you fit in, here's how we do it.
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Everybody make sure that you keep this vision in mind and this mission in mind.
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And here's how we lead, and and here's how we move forward through our day-to-day to accomplish our goals.
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It's it's been done for decades and decades because it works, it's intentional, right?
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I for the listeners that are just listening to audio only, I just need to pause for just a second because when you just said all of that, your face lit up, your body just got really excited as though this is one of those hidden truths.
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And you like you were just like, come on, I think this is so obvious.
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This is a long overdue conversation.
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Yeah, yeah.
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And then think about this: like, our we we run corporations and then we change corporations, but our families are our families like for the whole time, like a lot, a long time.
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Uh, my kids are grown and on their own.
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Um, however, they're still, I mean, I see now the effects of how I raise them.
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We see it for better or worse, right?
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Right.
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So, your point, and I'm gonna let you expand on this, is let's be as intentional at home with vision, vision, mission, and culture as we are in the workplace because it's a proven system that works, and because we're our families, we're creating tomorrow's leaders, right?
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Correct.
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So, yeah.
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So I'm gonna let you just kind of take it from here.
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And that's a like that's a universal why, you know.
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Like, I have my personal whys, everybody it might be thinking now.
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Your listeners might be thinking, like, oh, why would I want to do that?
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But that really is like we are creating the future, and so we that would that should be a societal, and I you know, I dare I used the word should.
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I don't you I'm not usually a should girl, but that's our future, and we have to keep that part in the conversation, yeah.
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Yeah, we just do.
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Okay, so all right, so I think I think just making our first point that um you know, being intentional with how we lead at home, creating that culture, having a mission and vision, a common goal for the family is a good thing.
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So I think we've made our point with that.
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So um I can see the yeah buts because you know that's my job as a coach, like to deal with all the yeah buts.
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And one of the main yeah buts that might come out is is it too late?
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Is it too late to start?
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Um, especially like if your kids are a little bit older or maybe they're going through terrible teens, you know, or they're moved out already.
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Like, let's talk about that.
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Yeah, and that actually comes up a lot.
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So I'm glad you brought that up.
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I'm of the belief it's never too late.
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The conversation is a little bit different, right?
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So if you've got kids that have long gone, mine have long gone as well.
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We're just gonna have different kinds of conversations.
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Maybe it's more about boundaries.
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Like I'm not in their lives with time management or priority management anymore, but I certainly want to understand what my role is in this stage of life.
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So that's where I love courageous conversations, right?
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I have a daughter-in-law that will tell me, has on a number of occasions, I love you as a mother-in-law because I can say I can share boundaries with you, and you don't love me any less.
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That's my job, right?
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Right?
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Yeah, to respect them as the people that they are.
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So our jobs change all the time.
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They have to, but don't they also, when you've got young kids at home as well, you know, a five-year-old is not a 10-year-old, is not a 15-year-old, is not a 20, 30, 40.
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And so that's our job is to always be paying attention.
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We can't fall asleep at the wheel.
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Right.
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Absolutely.
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And, you know, also just to bring it back to the parallel of the organization.
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If any listener has ever worked in an organization and someone is like all on top of you and how you're supposed to do it and do it now, and do it this way, and you're like, give me some space, right?
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We can, you know, like trust me, let me figure it out.
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I'll get there, right?
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There's an element as a parent that and a leader in our own family that we need to be doing the same thing, even with the five-year-olds and the 10-year-olds and the 15-year-olds.
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And um Especially when, especially as they get Especially when.
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Yes.
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How else will they learn?
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How else will they learn?
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We need to let them fail and the stakes are small, or else they won't learn critical thinking and and natural consequences.
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You know, the grounding, grounding, grounding is not a natural consequence.
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That doesn't happen when you become an adult.
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Nobody grounds you, right?
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The natural consequences, independence really is an act of love.
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Not it, I mean, boundaries are an act of love.
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Yeah, yeah.
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Accountability is an act of love.
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You just said natural consequences.
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I'm a huge fan.
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They are an act of love, they create the structure, and then if you want to flip that back to organizations, frameworks, systems, like we've got all the vernacular in organizations and they are applicable at home.
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Those are the systems, those are the frameworks, which is you know, like it it sometimes the simplicity of it is it just blows me away.
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Yes.
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But we just don't think it's just a mindset.
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It just we just don't think in those terms.
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We I didn't for a while until I did, and then I couldn't unsee it, as they say.
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Right.
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For sure, for sure.
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Yeah.
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No, I get why, you know, I know parents, many parents, who are just so darn afraid that they are unable to allow the natural consequences, unable to um be to give the independence, unable to let their children fail while the stakes are small.
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And it's really that fear.
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And what I think people don't recognize a lot is as much as we might want to manage 100% of our children's risk, the only time we can ever manage 100% is when they're infants.
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As soon as the they're six years old and we let them cross the street by themselves after we teach them, we're we're letting go of managing some risk.
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We're like, you gotta book look both ways because eventually I'm not gonna be looking out the window making sure you're doing that, right?
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And I'm gonna give it to you.
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So we're giving our children more risk to manage, right?
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But then when it's life seems scarier, like when they become teenagers, then we we naturally want to pull back the reins because now we know the scary stuff.
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Now we know this is when drugs, you know, are coming into their lives for the first time and where their need to fit in overrides anything we ever taught them, right?
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That that need to be belonging, right?
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So there's there's different dynamics that are happening in different parts of their lives, and it's gets scarier.
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I mean, it's really scary when they're tiny infants when they're first born.
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Can you you know you don't know what you're doing, but then you you get it, and then you're like, okay, I got this, I can manage these kids, or you know, and then all of a sudden they become teenagers and all of a sudden gets very scary again.
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And this is where I find that parents pull the reins back and really try to manage more risk than is actually possible to manage for these kids, and they create a rift in their family, and that's when the kids don't share what they're going through because they don't want to be judged, yelled at, told what to do.
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I can actually sum up that this whole conversation or a good portion of it in a quick story about when I was writing the book.
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Of course I was gonna, and so like, you know, it was like leadership and parenting.
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So I asked the kids, uh, my kids, and I was like, you know, what was the one thing from your childhood that you remember, good or bad, indifferent?
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And my daughter said, I could not stand you because you always made me figure things out.
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You oftentimes answered my questions with questions.
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I was very famous for, oh, I'll be so curious to see how you figure that out.
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She was like, I couldn't stand it, mom.
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She said, however, fast forward, one thing I knew for sure throughout my entire childhood and now as an adult, I can figure anything out.
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You taught me resourcefulness.
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If I want it, I can figure it out.
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Yeah.
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So you taught me resourcefulness.
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So while I couldn't stand it as a kid, which your listeners are probably like, oh my gosh, that's that's me.
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Like, they're gonna not like me, they're gonna be mad at me, you know.
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What happens if?
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But yeah, she might have been, I didn't even know she was irritated at me, but now she can articulate it, we laugh about it.
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Yeah.
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So who like that, and that was just beautiful for me.
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It was like, oh, well, then I guess it worked.
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Yeah, but and I'd like to point something out for the listener.
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If you're telling them what to do all the time instead of letting them figure it out, they also are mad at you.
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So they're gonna be annoyed with you no matter what you do.
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But what which way, helicopter versus letting them figure their own problems out and suffer consequences, which is going to set them up for the thing you really want most, which is for them to be independent, self-sufficient adults, happy adults.
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I have to put happy in there, right?
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Well, and there's and there's a little subliminal lesson lesson in there as well for the parents who are afraid of this.
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When we overmanage, when we overhelp, helicopter, whatever you want to call it, when we do too much for our people, our kids, maybe even spouses, we're telling them that we don't trust them enough to do it on their own.
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Yes, we don't believe in them, yes, and so it's like this counterintuitive lack of confidence that we're actually sharing rather than the lesson that I gave my daughter, which was like, I have confidence that you can figure this out.
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She didn't until she did have the confidence to figure it out.
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So it's just a mindset, it's an awareness, which is a big word right now.
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And I just I when we place that veil over our decisions, our behaviors, our actions of how we're interacting with the people in our family, it's an interesting lens.
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So I'm just inviting people to be thoughtful about the lens.
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Yeah, I've actually seen what you're saying in other families where they're they told the kid what to do the whole entire time.
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And so the kid gets the message, I'm not capable, but the parent says they're not capable because they never do it on their own.
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Then I say, but you never let them do it on their own.
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Well, I would, but they'll fail.
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What if they fail?
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I'm like, they are gonna fail.
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And yeah, it's unfortunate now.
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They're gonna fail at 24 years old because you didn't let them fail at 12.
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But um, you know, or you can, I mean, do you want to you you gave them this message that they're incapable and now they're not doing it because you always do it for them.
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They believe they're incapable.
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You're not, you didn't raise in an independent, you know, problem solver, critical thinker, because they never ever ever had to critically think.
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They never had a trial and error, they never had to do that.
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So, what do you tell someone who's an a a parent of an adult who that they don't even think their kids are capable?
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So they won't let go.
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You get so passionate about this.
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You really do.
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I hope the listeners catch it on YouTube where they can see you because you really come alive with this discussion.
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I tell them that the conversation just looks differently.
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So you may have missed the opportunity to have conversations in the carpool or driving to an activity or whatever it was, which by the way, to your listeners, cars are the best place because there's no eye contact, you're all staring in the same direction, and the kids really they share a lot when they don't have to stare you down, and they're captive.
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Right.
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Uh, I would say just recognize that the conversation's gonna look and a little bit differently, and the wear is gonna be different.
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So now it might be come over for dinner or have a cup of coffee or go grab a beer or whatever is your family culture again, and just meet them where they are and be like, look, and this is the humble pie.
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I may not have done you the you know the right thing, whatever it is, I may not have done you justice, it may be my that something that I didn't do that you're so let's come up with a strategy now.
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If you want my help, right?
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How can I help you?
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Because watching you struggle is really, really hard for me.
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And then if it's a I got this, well, that you kind of like that's what you got.
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Yeah, yeah, you gotta let go, like, but I don't, it's never, you know, my kids will still they'll get angry with me now, you know, or I'll say something, they'll be like, you know, it's not the right thing, or I heard it differently.
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But now it's just kind of like I felt a little disrespected when you said that in that tone.
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And you're like, Yeah, you're right.
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I don't, you're my mother.
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I would know I don't ever want you to feel that way.
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So it's just a different conversation the older they get.
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Yeah.
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And I want to also point out that it doesn't mean that we're total hands off, we'll never get to guide them again.
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Right.
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That's not actually what happens.
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Sometimes they ask, they often ask, you know, as adults because they trust that you're not judging them because you've let them, right?
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But but sometimes, like, you know, um, I I had a child that was, you know, going through some big changes or whatever, and I saw some consequences that were happening, that I was letting him just deal with these consequences by himself, but it was kind of bothering me that I didn't know whether or not he was dealing with the concept, like I didn't know what he was doing, and he wasn't communicating with me.
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And so I said, I need you to come over because we need to have a conversation.
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He's like, What's wrong?
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I said, Nothing's wrong.
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I said, I've been kind of letting you do this, you know, like doing your thing, but because we're not we haven't communicated about it, I don't really know what's going on.
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And it's kind of like I feel I'm curious and I just want to be make sure everything's cool.
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I so said, so I'm gonna call this a mom up, you know, like man up, right?
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Mom up.
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It's time for me to mom up.
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Because I for two months I kind of was hands off with this whole thing.
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It's time for me to mom up.
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Let's see what's going on.
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What a positive conversation it was.
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Yeah, and and I he he's like, Oh, I already dealt with that thing a month ago, it was all done.
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I I figured it out.
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I'm like, Oh, well, I didn't know, you didn't tell me, you know.
00:19:31.119 --> 00:19:34.880
So we so like it was and ended up being positive.
00:19:34.880 --> 00:19:37.920
Like, he didn't feel at first he was like, What do you think?
00:19:37.920 --> 00:19:38.559
I'm dumb.
00:19:38.559 --> 00:19:39.279
I didn't figure it out.
00:19:39.279 --> 00:19:42.400
I'm like, that's a teenage thing to say, even though he's not a teenager.
00:19:42.400 --> 00:19:44.240
Like, no, I didn't say you were dumb.
00:19:44.240 --> 00:19:46.720
I said you didn't communicate, so how would I know?
00:19:46.720 --> 00:19:59.759
You know, um, and and now I'll trust him more to figure things out in the future because he did, he just didn't communicate, and now we had this nice conversation, and he's like, Okay, yeah, I can let you know more about what's going on in my life.
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:00.640
Beautiful, yeah.
00:20:00.640 --> 00:20:16.000
And is it possible that you had already created that rel in your relationship with your kids that you know, and you could have very easily just said, Hey, am I allowed to check up?
00:20:16.000 --> 00:20:21.440
Like for a listener that's like, I don't know, I could I don't know that I could do the mom up thing.
00:20:21.440 --> 00:20:24.960
Like, that's not my it's like how about just a text?
00:20:24.960 --> 00:20:27.200
Like, am I allowed to check up with you?
00:20:27.200 --> 00:20:39.440
Because that felt like something really big and significant, and I love you enough that I want to check up, and then that gives them the permission to say either yes or no, you know.
00:20:39.440 --> 00:20:45.920
So, like, there's like you had a relationship, you have to at least acknowledge, Linda, that you had a relationship.
00:20:45.920 --> 00:21:01.599
Oh, yeah, that gave you the permission, the door was open for you to because that's but again, that's the culture, that's the culture of open communication, that's the culture of hey, you shared with me that you were struggling.
00:21:01.599 --> 00:21:06.319
We worked on some things together, and of course I want to now know.
00:21:06.319 --> 00:21:08.559
Yeah, you worked on that already.
00:21:08.880 --> 00:21:09.440
We did, we did.
00:21:09.440 --> 00:21:14.720
And matter of fact, my kids are so independent, I might not hear from them for three or four weeks at a time.
00:21:14.720 --> 00:21:15.599
Exactly.
00:21:15.599 --> 00:21:17.039
And you created that as well.
00:21:17.039 --> 00:21:18.400
I created that, right?
00:21:18.400 --> 00:21:19.759
Because they're so independent.
00:21:19.759 --> 00:21:20.720
They're like, I got this, yeah.
00:21:20.720 --> 00:21:25.519
I'm paying my bills, I'm doing my thing, I got my job, I'm gonna go to school, I'm doing my things, you know.
00:21:25.519 --> 00:21:28.160
And so and so now I'll be funny.
00:21:28.160 --> 00:21:33.039
I sent a text to the three of them, a group, and it was a two-sided text, you know.
00:21:33.039 --> 00:21:34.960
Um, hey mom, how you doing?
00:21:34.960 --> 00:21:35.839
Oh, I'm doing great.
00:21:35.839 --> 00:21:36.640
Thanks for asking.
00:21:36.640 --> 00:21:37.759
What's going on in your life?
00:21:37.759 --> 00:21:39.279
Oh, well, I got this, the other thing.
00:21:39.279 --> 00:21:40.480
Oh, so nice to talk to you.
00:21:40.480 --> 00:21:40.960
You too.
00:21:40.960 --> 00:21:42.079
All right, love you, bye.
00:21:42.079 --> 00:21:45.359
I made this all thought it was hilarious.
00:21:45.359 --> 00:21:47.440
And then they all reached out to me right away.
00:21:47.440 --> 00:21:48.960
Oh, hi, mom, you know.
00:21:48.960 --> 00:21:55.599
And I did it, I didn't do it as a guilt trip because guilt is the worst way to parent your children.
00:21:55.599 --> 00:21:59.119
I don't want them ever to do something out of guilt or shame.
00:21:59.119 --> 00:21:59.759
I want them.
00:21:59.759 --> 00:22:12.000
To be with me because it's they enjoy it and call me because they recognize me, and they really all do as a as a um a very useful guide when they want one and need one.
00:22:12.319 --> 00:22:20.720
So can I add that that's and because of the work that you do and conversations worth your while, right?
00:22:20.720 --> 00:22:25.519
Like you have that awareness that that's important to you.
00:22:25.519 --> 00:22:34.079
It's important for you to create and tighten up the fabric within your family, within your kids.
00:22:34.079 --> 00:22:36.960
So does it, I'll ask it as a question.
00:22:36.960 --> 00:22:40.160
Maybe your listeners can answer this for themselves.
00:22:40.160 --> 00:22:47.759
Does it start with an awareness, again, of the vision, of a goal, of a what do you want?
00:22:47.759 --> 00:22:50.559
What it what do you want your family to look like?
00:22:50.559 --> 00:22:52.799
You you have that awareness.
00:22:52.799 --> 00:22:56.799
Not everybody does, and yet it's available for everyone.
00:22:57.039 --> 00:22:57.599
It is.
00:22:57.599 --> 00:23:13.279
So that leads me to your turtle step, the smallest step that a listener can take before they hit play on the next podcast episode to help them be more intentional in stepping into a leadership role for their family.
00:23:14.160 --> 00:23:20.319
I'm I'm gonna back off of the awareness because that I could that's so cliche today, right?
00:23:20.319 --> 00:23:26.400
You know, just how about the turtle step is look in the mirror.
00:23:26.400 --> 00:23:49.519
Because when you look in the mirror, I promise you, you will find, and for men or women, I promise you, you will find the most capable leader that already has many of the skills, information required to do this.
00:23:49.519 --> 00:23:52.480
So look in the mirror is the turtle step.
00:23:52.480 --> 00:23:53.359
You've got that.
00:23:53.359 --> 00:23:56.000
It's all within you, right?
00:23:56.160 --> 00:24:04.640
And just to and find evidence of how you're already doing it in other aspects, because I'm a big proponent of emulate what already works, don't try to fix what's broken.
00:24:04.640 --> 00:24:19.279
So if you're be if you're a good leader in a certain aspect of your life, um then what what those are is that's proof that you're a good leader, and then you can bring those exact same things that work for you that are natural to you into your family.
00:24:19.279 --> 00:24:21.519
So, Janet, thank you so much.
00:24:21.519 --> 00:24:24.319
This has been such a great conversation.
00:24:24.319 --> 00:24:25.519
Oh my gosh.
00:24:25.519 --> 00:24:28.559
So you have something to share with our audience.
00:24:28.559 --> 00:24:35.839
I'd love if you tell us a little bit more about it, and then I will put the link to that and of and the links to how to contact you in the show notes.
00:24:35.839 --> 00:24:37.359
So, what do you have for everybody?
00:24:37.680 --> 00:24:40.720
Well, this is kind of this could be like turtle shell.
00:24:40.720 --> 00:24:43.440
I don't know what turtle step number two.
00:24:43.440 --> 00:24:46.400
Okay, because they're like, I don't even know where to start.
00:24:46.400 --> 00:24:50.559
Uh, they're at parentshifts.com, and this will be in the show notes.
00:24:50.559 --> 00:24:55.759
There's a it's just short eight parent shifts, kind of as a check-in.
00:24:55.759 --> 00:24:58.880
Like, how are you showing up for your family?
00:24:58.880 --> 00:25:02.720
Uh, that's a great, great place to start.
00:25:02.720 --> 00:25:18.240
And honestly, if uh if you reach out and you need, I have a great reflections audit too, that you can also just fill out and give yourself a ha, just some things to think about.
00:25:18.480 --> 00:25:19.440
Well, that's beautiful.
00:25:19.440 --> 00:25:20.000
Thank you.
00:25:20.000 --> 00:25:21.119
I have the link to that.
00:25:21.119 --> 00:25:23.359
I'll be sure to put it in our show notes.
00:25:23.359 --> 00:25:24.880
All right, so that's our show.
00:25:24.880 --> 00:25:31.599
I'm Linda Booker, guiding people to know their worth and reconnect to their gifts and create lives that are fully aligned and deeply impactful.
00:25:31.599 --> 00:25:33.839
So you can do the thing you're here to do.
00:25:33.839 --> 00:25:45.680
And if you're sensing it's time to bring your life into deeper alignment, you can explore what that looks like at lyndabooker.com where you'll find direction and a link to book a complimentary clarity call with me.
00:25:45.680 --> 00:25:51.920
And if today's episode sparked something for you, please like it and share it and subscribe because you don't want to miss what's next.
00:25:51.920 --> 00:25:58.079
And then join me next week for an up another uplifting conversation designed to support your growth.
00:25:58.079 --> 00:26:04.799
So until next time, make sure you've made this conversation worth your while by fueling the spark that it ignited.
00:00:02.959 --> 00:00:05.519
Hey there and welcome to Conversations Worth Your While.
00:00:05.519 --> 00:00:11.119
It's the podcast where we dig into ideas and insights to help you to unleash what you were born to bring.
00:00:11.119 --> 00:00:24.719
I chat with heart led experts and I ask the questions that I know you're already thinking about, and then we explore conversations that will spark growth, shift perspectives, and help you to show up fully in your life, in your career, and in your community.
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Today we are exploring like if you're a great leader at work, but then at home you were not thinking about leading.
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Um so we're talking about leading your family with intention.
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It's gonna be such a great conversation and it's worth your while because at work we put so much energy into vision and culture, and we rarely stop to think about being that intentional with our own families.
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So when we have a vision for our family, then we know what we're working towards.
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So today my guest and I are gonna talk about how to bring that same leadership style, or maybe not style, but that same intentional leadership home, because intentional leadership at home matters, and we're gonna share exactly why and how today.
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So I'm your host, Linda Booker.
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And if you're living a life that no longer fits you, uh this space is for you.
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Um, because you are here to do the thing you are here to do, and I am here to guide you to do that.
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And through my coaching and this podcast, I guide purpose-driven people to reconnect who they truly are, to let go of what they have outgrown, and to create a life that feels fully aligned and deeply impactful.
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So if that sparks something within you, you can find me at lyndabooker.com.
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Once again, today we're gonna have a great conversation, and I have the pleasure of being joined by Janet Krebs of Raising Independence.
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And Janet's making her unique positive ripples in the world in her unique way.
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Janet helps parents bring that same leadership they show up all day at work with home to their own kitchen table because the culture we create at home impacts the culture and communities in which we live.
00:02:01.200 --> 00:02:05.599
So, Janet, thank you so much for being my guest on Conversations Worth Your While.
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Thank you.
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I've really actually been looking forward to this.
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I know too, yeah.
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Okay, so before we get started with our conversation, can you tell the audience a little bit more about what you do and who you serve?
00:02:19.280 --> 00:02:20.000
Whew.
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Well, my well, it's fine.
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Well, it's interesting because my work is different from uh what a lot of people are working on right now, which is business.
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My work actually sits at the intersection of organizations and family.
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And I'm really on a mission of uh lots of missions, personally for families at home, but we have to change the conversation.
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So I'm it's it's it's really a question.
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Why do we have organizational leadership and we don't think about it at home?
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So let's bring it home.
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The transferable skills are really golden.
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Yeah, yeah, I 100% agree.
00:03:06.639 --> 00:03:08.560
So let's talk a little bit about this.
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Let's just dive right in.
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So, all right, you've mentioned we're out in the workplace working for our corporations, the top-down approach.
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Let's here's the mission and the vision for the corporation.
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Here's where you fit in, here's how we do it.
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Everybody make sure that you keep this vision in mind and this mission in mind.
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And here's how we lead, and and here's how we move forward through our day-to-day to accomplish our goals.
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It's it's been done for decades and decades because it works, it's intentional, right?
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I for the listeners that are just listening to audio only, I just need to pause for just a second because when you just said all of that, your face lit up, your body just got really excited as though this is one of those hidden truths.
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And you like you were just like, come on, I think this is so obvious.
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This is a long overdue conversation.
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Yeah, yeah.
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And then think about this: like, our we we run corporations and then we change corporations, but our families are our families like for the whole time, like a lot, a long time.
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Uh, my kids are grown and on their own.
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Um, however, they're still, I mean, I see now the effects of how I raise them.
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We see it for better or worse, right?
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Right.
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So, your point, and I'm gonna let you expand on this, is let's be as intentional at home with vision, vision, mission, and culture as we are in the workplace because it's a proven system that works, and because we're our families, we're creating tomorrow's leaders, right?
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Correct.
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So, yeah.
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So I'm gonna let you just kind of take it from here.
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And that's a like that's a universal why, you know.
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Like, I have my personal whys, everybody it might be thinking now.
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Your listeners might be thinking, like, oh, why would I want to do that?
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But that really is like we are creating the future, and so we that would that should be a societal, and I you know, I dare I used the word should.
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I don't you I'm not usually a should girl, but that's our future, and we have to keep that part in the conversation, yeah.
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Yeah, we just do.
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Okay, so all right, so I think I think just making our first point that um you know, being intentional with how we lead at home, creating that culture, having a mission and vision, a common goal for the family is a good thing.
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So I think we've made our point with that.
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So um I can see the yeah buts because you know that's my job as a coach, like to deal with all the yeah buts.
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And one of the main yeah buts that might come out is is it too late?
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Is it too late to start?
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Um, especially like if your kids are a little bit older or maybe they're going through terrible teens, you know, or they're moved out already.
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Like, let's talk about that.
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Yeah, and that actually comes up a lot.
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So I'm glad you brought that up.
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I'm of the belief it's never too late.
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The conversation is a little bit different, right?
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So if you've got kids that have long gone, mine have long gone as well.
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We're just gonna have different kinds of conversations.
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Maybe it's more about boundaries.
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Like I'm not in their lives with time management or priority management anymore, but I certainly want to understand what my role is in this stage of life.
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So that's where I love courageous conversations, right?
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I have a daughter-in-law that will tell me, has on a number of occasions, I love you as a mother-in-law because I can say I can share boundaries with you, and you don't love me any less.
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That's my job, right?
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Right?
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Yeah, to respect them as the people that they are.
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So our jobs change all the time.
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They have to, but don't they also, when you've got young kids at home as well, you know, a five-year-old is not a 10-year-old, is not a 15-year-old, is not a 20, 30, 40.
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And so that's our job is to always be paying attention.
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We can't fall asleep at the wheel.
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Right.
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Absolutely.
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And, you know, also just to bring it back to the parallel of the organization.
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If any listener has ever worked in an organization and someone is like all on top of you and how you're supposed to do it and do it now, and do it this way, and you're like, give me some space, right?
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We can, you know, like trust me, let me figure it out.
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I'll get there, right?
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There's an element as a parent that and a leader in our own family that we need to be doing the same thing, even with the five-year-olds and the 10-year-olds and the 15-year-olds.
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And um Especially when, especially as they get Especially when.
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Yes.
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How else will they learn?
00:08:17.839 --> 00:08:19.120
How else will they learn?
00:08:19.120 --> 00:08:28.160
We need to let them fail and the stakes are small, or else they won't learn critical thinking and and natural consequences.
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You know, the grounding, grounding, grounding is not a natural consequence.
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That doesn't happen when you become an adult.
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Nobody grounds you, right?
00:08:34.000 --> 00:08:38.399
The natural consequences, independence really is an act of love.
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Not it, I mean, boundaries are an act of love.
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Yeah, yeah.
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Accountability is an act of love.
00:08:47.360 --> 00:08:49.600
You just said natural consequences.
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I'm a huge fan.
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They are an act of love, they create the structure, and then if you want to flip that back to organizations, frameworks, systems, like we've got all the vernacular in organizations and they are applicable at home.
00:09:06.559 --> 00:09:19.279
Those are the systems, those are the frameworks, which is you know, like it it sometimes the simplicity of it is it just blows me away.
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Yes.
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But we just don't think it's just a mindset.
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It just we just don't think in those terms.
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We I didn't for a while until I did, and then I couldn't unsee it, as they say.
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Right.
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For sure, for sure.
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Yeah.
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No, I get why, you know, I know parents, many parents, who are just so darn afraid that they are unable to allow the natural consequences, unable to um be to give the independence, unable to let their children fail while the stakes are small.
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And it's really that fear.
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And what I think people don't recognize a lot is as much as we might want to manage 100% of our children's risk, the only time we can ever manage 100% is when they're infants.
00:10:07.919 --> 00:10:16.080
As soon as the they're six years old and we let them cross the street by themselves after we teach them, we're we're letting go of managing some risk.
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We're like, you gotta book look both ways because eventually I'm not gonna be looking out the window making sure you're doing that, right?
00:10:21.600 --> 00:10:22.799
And I'm gonna give it to you.
00:10:22.799 --> 00:10:26.480
So we're giving our children more risk to manage, right?
00:10:26.480 --> 00:10:34.559
But then when it's life seems scarier, like when they become teenagers, then we we naturally want to pull back the reins because now we know the scary stuff.
00:10:34.559 --> 00:10:44.320
Now we know this is when drugs, you know, are coming into their lives for the first time and where their need to fit in overrides anything we ever taught them, right?
00:10:44.320 --> 00:10:47.120
That that need to be belonging, right?
00:10:47.120 --> 00:10:52.399
So there's there's different dynamics that are happening in different parts of their lives, and it's gets scarier.
00:10:52.399 --> 00:10:56.320
I mean, it's really scary when they're tiny infants when they're first born.
00:10:56.320 --> 00:11:07.120
Can you you know you don't know what you're doing, but then you you get it, and then you're like, okay, I got this, I can manage these kids, or you know, and then all of a sudden they become teenagers and all of a sudden gets very scary again.
00:11:07.120 --> 00:11:25.840
And this is where I find that parents pull the reins back and really try to manage more risk than is actually possible to manage for these kids, and they create a rift in their family, and that's when the kids don't share what they're going through because they don't want to be judged, yelled at, told what to do.
00:11:28.000 --> 00:11:38.639
I can actually sum up that this whole conversation or a good portion of it in a quick story about when I was writing the book.
00:11:38.639 --> 00:11:42.879
Of course I was gonna, and so like, you know, it was like leadership and parenting.
00:11:42.879 --> 00:11:55.120
So I asked the kids, uh, my kids, and I was like, you know, what was the one thing from your childhood that you remember, good or bad, indifferent?
00:11:55.120 --> 00:12:04.080
And my daughter said, I could not stand you because you always made me figure things out.
00:12:04.080 --> 00:12:09.919
You oftentimes answered my questions with questions.
00:12:09.919 --> 00:12:14.960
I was very famous for, oh, I'll be so curious to see how you figure that out.
00:12:14.960 --> 00:12:17.120
She was like, I couldn't stand it, mom.
00:12:17.120 --> 00:12:29.440
She said, however, fast forward, one thing I knew for sure throughout my entire childhood and now as an adult, I can figure anything out.
00:12:29.440 --> 00:12:31.759
You taught me resourcefulness.
00:12:31.759 --> 00:12:36.879
If I want it, I can figure it out.
00:12:36.879 --> 00:12:37.519
Yeah.
00:12:37.519 --> 00:12:39.600
So you taught me resourcefulness.
00:12:39.600 --> 00:12:46.960
So while I couldn't stand it as a kid, which your listeners are probably like, oh my gosh, that's that's me.
00:12:46.960 --> 00:12:50.159
Like, they're gonna not like me, they're gonna be mad at me, you know.
00:12:50.159 --> 00:12:51.440
What happens if?
00:12:51.440 --> 00:12:59.039
But yeah, she might have been, I didn't even know she was irritated at me, but now she can articulate it, we laugh about it.
00:12:59.039 --> 00:12:59.440
Yeah.
00:12:59.440 --> 00:13:04.080
So who like that, and that was just beautiful for me.
00:13:04.159 --> 00:13:06.559
It was like, oh, well, then I guess it worked.
00:13:06.559 --> 00:13:09.759
Yeah, but and I'd like to point something out for the listener.
00:13:09.759 --> 00:13:16.480
If you're telling them what to do all the time instead of letting them figure it out, they also are mad at you.
00:13:16.480 --> 00:13:20.480
So they're gonna be annoyed with you no matter what you do.
00:13:20.480 --> 00:13:36.159
But what which way, helicopter versus letting them figure their own problems out and suffer consequences, which is going to set them up for the thing you really want most, which is for them to be independent, self-sufficient adults, happy adults.
00:13:36.159 --> 00:13:37.759
I have to put happy in there, right?
00:13:38.000 --> 00:13:46.639
Well, and there's and there's a little subliminal lesson lesson in there as well for the parents who are afraid of this.
00:13:46.639 --> 00:14:04.000
When we overmanage, when we overhelp, helicopter, whatever you want to call it, when we do too much for our people, our kids, maybe even spouses, we're telling them that we don't trust them enough to do it on their own.
00:14:04.000 --> 00:14:22.080
Yes, we don't believe in them, yes, and so it's like this counterintuitive lack of confidence that we're actually sharing rather than the lesson that I gave my daughter, which was like, I have confidence that you can figure this out.
00:14:22.080 --> 00:14:27.519
She didn't until she did have the confidence to figure it out.
00:14:27.519 --> 00:14:33.360
So it's just a mindset, it's an awareness, which is a big word right now.
00:14:33.360 --> 00:14:47.519
And I just I when we place that veil over our decisions, our behaviors, our actions of how we're interacting with the people in our family, it's an interesting lens.
00:14:47.519 --> 00:14:51.200
So I'm just inviting people to be thoughtful about the lens.
00:14:51.440 --> 00:14:59.440
Yeah, I've actually seen what you're saying in other families where they're they told the kid what to do the whole entire time.
00:14:59.440 --> 00:15:07.200
And so the kid gets the message, I'm not capable, but the parent says they're not capable because they never do it on their own.
00:15:07.200 --> 00:15:10.480
Then I say, but you never let them do it on their own.
00:15:10.480 --> 00:15:12.240
Well, I would, but they'll fail.
00:15:12.240 --> 00:15:13.200
What if they fail?
00:15:13.200 --> 00:15:14.559
I'm like, they are gonna fail.
00:15:14.559 --> 00:15:15.919
And yeah, it's unfortunate now.
00:15:15.919 --> 00:15:19.440
They're gonna fail at 24 years old because you didn't let them fail at 12.
00:15:19.440 --> 00:15:28.320
But um, you know, or you can, I mean, do you want to you you gave them this message that they're incapable and now they're not doing it because you always do it for them.
00:15:28.320 --> 00:15:29.840
They believe they're incapable.
00:15:29.840 --> 00:15:39.440
You're not, you didn't raise in an independent, you know, problem solver, critical thinker, because they never ever ever had to critically think.
00:15:39.440 --> 00:15:42.639
They never had a trial and error, they never had to do that.
00:15:42.639 --> 00:15:49.600
So, what do you tell someone who's an a a parent of an adult who that they don't even think their kids are capable?
00:15:49.600 --> 00:15:51.360
So they won't let go.
00:15:52.240 --> 00:15:54.720
You get so passionate about this.
00:15:54.720 --> 00:15:58.879
You really do.
00:15:58.879 --> 00:16:06.639
I hope the listeners catch it on YouTube where they can see you because you really come alive with this discussion.
00:16:06.639 --> 00:16:10.720
I tell them that the conversation just looks differently.
00:16:10.720 --> 00:16:34.399
So you may have missed the opportunity to have conversations in the carpool or driving to an activity or whatever it was, which by the way, to your listeners, cars are the best place because there's no eye contact, you're all staring in the same direction, and the kids really they share a lot when they don't have to stare you down, and they're captive.
00:16:35.039 --> 00:16:35.679
Right.
00:16:36.399 --> 00:16:46.559
Uh, I would say just recognize that the conversation's gonna look and a little bit differently, and the wear is gonna be different.
00:16:46.559 --> 00:17:03.600
So now it might be come over for dinner or have a cup of coffee or go grab a beer or whatever is your family culture again, and just meet them where they are and be like, look, and this is the humble pie.
00:17:03.600 --> 00:17:22.079
I may not have done you the you know the right thing, whatever it is, I may not have done you justice, it may be my that something that I didn't do that you're so let's come up with a strategy now.
00:17:22.079 --> 00:17:24.480
If you want my help, right?
00:17:24.480 --> 00:17:26.400
How can I help you?
00:17:26.400 --> 00:17:31.359
Because watching you struggle is really, really hard for me.
00:17:31.359 --> 00:17:37.440
And then if it's a I got this, well, that you kind of like that's what you got.
00:17:37.440 --> 00:17:53.680
Yeah, yeah, you gotta let go, like, but I don't, it's never, you know, my kids will still they'll get angry with me now, you know, or I'll say something, they'll be like, you know, it's not the right thing, or I heard it differently.
00:17:53.680 --> 00:17:59.599
But now it's just kind of like I felt a little disrespected when you said that in that tone.
00:17:59.599 --> 00:18:01.680
And you're like, Yeah, you're right.
00:18:01.680 --> 00:18:03.119
I don't, you're my mother.
00:18:03.119 --> 00:18:05.279
I would know I don't ever want you to feel that way.
00:18:05.279 --> 00:18:08.480
So it's just a different conversation the older they get.
00:18:08.720 --> 00:18:09.039
Yeah.
00:18:09.039 --> 00:18:16.400
And I want to also point out that it doesn't mean that we're total hands off, we'll never get to guide them again.
00:18:16.400 --> 00:18:16.720
Right.
00:18:16.720 --> 00:18:18.799
That's not actually what happens.
00:18:18.799 --> 00:18:26.960
Sometimes they ask, they often ask, you know, as adults because they trust that you're not judging them because you've let them, right?
00:18:26.960 --> 00:18:48.960
But but sometimes, like, you know, um, I I had a child that was, you know, going through some big changes or whatever, and I saw some consequences that were happening, that I was letting him just deal with these consequences by himself, but it was kind of bothering me that I didn't know whether or not he was dealing with the concept, like I didn't know what he was doing, and he wasn't communicating with me.
00:18:48.960 --> 00:18:52.880
And so I said, I need you to come over because we need to have a conversation.
00:18:52.880 --> 00:18:54.160
He's like, What's wrong?
00:18:54.160 --> 00:18:55.839
I said, Nothing's wrong.
00:18:55.839 --> 00:19:03.680
I said, I've been kind of letting you do this, you know, like doing your thing, but because we're not we haven't communicated about it, I don't really know what's going on.
00:19:03.680 --> 00:19:08.720
And it's kind of like I feel I'm curious and I just want to be make sure everything's cool.
00:19:08.720 --> 00:19:12.319
I so said, so I'm gonna call this a mom up, you know, like man up, right?
00:19:12.319 --> 00:19:12.960
Mom up.
00:19:12.960 --> 00:19:14.319
It's time for me to mom up.
00:19:14.319 --> 00:19:17.039
Because I for two months I kind of was hands off with this whole thing.
00:19:17.039 --> 00:19:18.240
It's time for me to mom up.
00:19:18.240 --> 00:19:19.279
Let's see what's going on.
00:19:19.279 --> 00:19:21.440
What a positive conversation it was.
00:19:21.440 --> 00:19:26.240
Yeah, and and I he he's like, Oh, I already dealt with that thing a month ago, it was all done.
00:19:26.240 --> 00:19:27.440
I I figured it out.
00:19:27.440 --> 00:19:31.119
I'm like, Oh, well, I didn't know, you didn't tell me, you know.
00:19:31.119 --> 00:19:34.880
So we so like it was and ended up being positive.
00:19:34.880 --> 00:19:37.920
Like, he didn't feel at first he was like, What do you think?
00:19:37.920 --> 00:19:38.559
I'm dumb.
00:19:38.559 --> 00:19:39.279
I didn't figure it out.
00:19:39.279 --> 00:19:42.400
I'm like, that's a teenage thing to say, even though he's not a teenager.
00:19:42.400 --> 00:19:44.240
Like, no, I didn't say you were dumb.
00:19:44.240 --> 00:19:46.720
I said you didn't communicate, so how would I know?
00:19:46.720 --> 00:19:59.759
You know, um, and and now I'll trust him more to figure things out in the future because he did, he just didn't communicate, and now we had this nice conversation, and he's like, Okay, yeah, I can let you know more about what's going on in my life.
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:00.640
Beautiful, yeah.
00:20:00.640 --> 00:20:16.000
And is it possible that you had already created that rel in your relationship with your kids that you know, and you could have very easily just said, Hey, am I allowed to check up?
00:20:16.000 --> 00:20:21.440
Like for a listener that's like, I don't know, I could I don't know that I could do the mom up thing.
00:20:21.440 --> 00:20:24.960
Like, that's not my it's like how about just a text?
00:20:24.960 --> 00:20:27.200
Like, am I allowed to check up with you?
00:20:27.200 --> 00:20:39.440
Because that felt like something really big and significant, and I love you enough that I want to check up, and then that gives them the permission to say either yes or no, you know.
00:20:39.440 --> 00:20:45.920
So, like, there's like you had a relationship, you have to at least acknowledge, Linda, that you had a relationship.
00:20:45.920 --> 00:21:01.599
Oh, yeah, that gave you the permission, the door was open for you to because that's but again, that's the culture, that's the culture of open communication, that's the culture of hey, you shared with me that you were struggling.
00:21:01.599 --> 00:21:06.319
We worked on some things together, and of course I want to now know.
00:21:06.319 --> 00:21:08.559
Yeah, you worked on that already.
00:21:08.880 --> 00:21:09.440
We did, we did.
00:21:09.440 --> 00:21:14.720
And matter of fact, my kids are so independent, I might not hear from them for three or four weeks at a time.
00:21:14.720 --> 00:21:15.599
Exactly.
00:21:15.599 --> 00:21:17.039
And you created that as well.
00:21:17.039 --> 00:21:18.400
I created that, right?
00:21:18.400 --> 00:21:19.759
Because they're so independent.
00:21:19.759 --> 00:21:20.720
They're like, I got this, yeah.
00:21:20.720 --> 00:21:25.519
I'm paying my bills, I'm doing my thing, I got my job, I'm gonna go to school, I'm doing my things, you know.
00:21:25.519 --> 00:21:28.160
And so and so now I'll be funny.
00:21:28.160 --> 00:21:33.039
I sent a text to the three of them, a group, and it was a two-sided text, you know.
00:21:33.039 --> 00:21:34.960
Um, hey mom, how you doing?
00:21:34.960 --> 00:21:35.839
Oh, I'm doing great.
00:21:35.839 --> 00:21:36.640
Thanks for asking.
00:21:36.640 --> 00:21:37.759
What's going on in your life?
00:21:37.759 --> 00:21:39.279
Oh, well, I got this, the other thing.
00:21:39.279 --> 00:21:40.480
Oh, so nice to talk to you.
00:21:40.480 --> 00:21:40.960
You too.
00:21:40.960 --> 00:21:42.079
All right, love you, bye.
00:21:42.079 --> 00:21:45.359
I made this all thought it was hilarious.
00:21:45.359 --> 00:21:47.440
And then they all reached out to me right away.
00:21:47.440 --> 00:21:48.960
Oh, hi, mom, you know.
00:21:48.960 --> 00:21:55.599
And I did it, I didn't do it as a guilt trip because guilt is the worst way to parent your children.
00:21:55.599 --> 00:21:59.119
I don't want them ever to do something out of guilt or shame.
00:21:59.119 --> 00:21:59.759
I want them.
00:21:59.759 --> 00:22:12.000
To be with me because it's they enjoy it and call me because they recognize me, and they really all do as a as a um a very useful guide when they want one and need one.
00:22:12.319 --> 00:22:20.720
So can I add that that's and because of the work that you do and conversations worth your while, right?
00:22:20.720 --> 00:22:25.519
Like you have that awareness that that's important to you.
00:22:25.519 --> 00:22:34.079
It's important for you to create and tighten up the fabric within your family, within your kids.
00:22:34.079 --> 00:22:36.960
So does it, I'll ask it as a question.
00:22:36.960 --> 00:22:40.160
Maybe your listeners can answer this for themselves.
00:22:40.160 --> 00:22:47.759
Does it start with an awareness, again, of the vision, of a goal, of a what do you want?
00:22:47.759 --> 00:22:50.559
What it what do you want your family to look like?
00:22:50.559 --> 00:22:52.799
You you have that awareness.
00:22:52.799 --> 00:22:56.799
Not everybody does, and yet it's available for everyone.
00:22:57.039 --> 00:22:57.599
It is.
00:22:57.599 --> 00:23:13.279
So that leads me to your turtle step, the smallest step that a listener can take before they hit play on the next podcast episode to help them be more intentional in stepping into a leadership role for their family.
00:23:14.160 --> 00:23:20.319
I'm I'm gonna back off of the awareness because that I could that's so cliche today, right?
00:23:20.319 --> 00:23:26.400
You know, just how about the turtle step is look in the mirror.
00:23:26.400 --> 00:23:49.519
Because when you look in the mirror, I promise you, you will find, and for men or women, I promise you, you will find the most capable leader that already has many of the skills, information required to do this.
00:23:49.519 --> 00:23:52.480
So look in the mirror is the turtle step.
00:23:52.480 --> 00:23:53.359
You've got that.
00:23:53.359 --> 00:23:56.000
It's all within you, right?
00:23:56.160 --> 00:24:04.640
And just to and find evidence of how you're already doing it in other aspects, because I'm a big proponent of emulate what already works, don't try to fix what's broken.
00:24:04.640 --> 00:24:19.279
So if you're be if you're a good leader in a certain aspect of your life, um then what what those are is that's proof that you're a good leader, and then you can bring those exact same things that work for you that are natural to you into your family.
00:24:19.279 --> 00:24:21.519
So, Janet, thank you so much.
00:24:21.519 --> 00:24:24.319
This has been such a great conversation.
00:24:24.319 --> 00:24:25.519
Oh my gosh.
00:24:25.519 --> 00:24:28.559
So you have something to share with our audience.
00:24:28.559 --> 00:24:35.839
I'd love if you tell us a little bit more about it, and then I will put the link to that and of and the links to how to contact you in the show notes.
00:24:35.839 --> 00:24:37.359
So, what do you have for everybody?
00:24:37.680 --> 00:24:40.720
Well, this is kind of this could be like turtle shell.
00:24:40.720 --> 00:24:43.440
I don't know what turtle step number two.
00:24:43.440 --> 00:24:46.400
Okay, because they're like, I don't even know where to start.
00:24:46.400 --> 00:24:50.559
Uh, they're at parentshifts.com, and this will be in the show notes.
00:24:50.559 --> 00:24:55.759
There's a it's just short eight parent shifts, kind of as a check-in.
00:24:55.759 --> 00:24:58.880
Like, how are you showing up for your family?
00:24:58.880 --> 00:25:02.720
Uh, that's a great, great place to start.
00:25:02.720 --> 00:25:18.240
And honestly, if uh if you reach out and you need, I have a great reflections audit too, that you can also just fill out and give yourself a ha, just some things to think about.
00:25:18.480 --> 00:25:19.440
Well, that's beautiful.
00:25:19.440 --> 00:25:20.000
Thank you.
00:25:20.000 --> 00:25:21.119
I have the link to that.
00:25:21.119 --> 00:25:23.359
I'll be sure to put it in our show notes.
00:25:23.359 --> 00:25:24.880
All right, so that's our show.
00:25:24.880 --> 00:25:31.599
I'm Linda Booker, guiding people to know their worth and reconnect to their gifts and create lives that are fully aligned and deeply impactful.
00:25:31.599 --> 00:25:33.839
So you can do the thing you're here to do.
00:25:33.839 --> 00:25:45.680
And if you're sensing it's time to bring your life into deeper alignment, you can explore what that looks like at lyndabooker.com where you'll find direction and a link to book a complimentary clarity call with me.
00:25:45.680 --> 00:25:51.920
And if today's episode sparked something for you, please like it and share it and subscribe because you don't want to miss what's next.
00:25:51.920 --> 00:25:58.079
And then join me next week for an up another uplifting conversation designed to support your growth.
00:25:58.079 --> 00:26:04.799
So until next time, make sure you've made this conversation worth your while by fueling the spark that it ignited.
