Dax Shepard

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How was school, Pat?
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We were learning all about France and Joan of Arc
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and the Eiffel Tower and how they speak.
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Bonjour, Mama!
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We all know how important school is for children's learning,
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friendships and overall development. But one in five children are
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missing a month or more of their school year. And
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when they miss school, they miss out. Every school day
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is a new day. Visit gov.ie forward slash school attendance.
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An initiative of the Government of Ireland.
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Hi, my name is Dax Shepard. And I feel very
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optimistic about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
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Fall is here, hear the yell. Back to school, ring
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the bell. Brand new shoes, walking blues. Climb the fence,
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books and pens.
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I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
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Hey there. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, the
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show where I, Conan O'Brien, speak to celebrities, interesting personalities,
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all in the hopes of finding myself, possibly, a friend.
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And I'm talking one that isn't on my payroll, someone
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who doesn't work for me. A real pal. I'm aided
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in my quest by my trusty assistant, Sonam Ovsessian. Hi.
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And my producer, Matt Gourley. Hi. Now, today's guest is
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someone I have a bone to pick with. We'll talk
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about that later. I do love the guy, Dax Shepard.
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I know we've had some stutter steps, but I'm not
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giving up on this.
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You think it's possible?
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Absolutely.
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There's a little bit of an incident that happened between
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us that we won't get into right now. We're going
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to save that just a little bit, which I think
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caused us to fail.
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A misfire.
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It was a misfire in our attempt to get together
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and become real friends. And I mean, you, Kristen, and myself,
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and my wife, Liza, really getting together as a foursome.
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Yes, a double date. A proper double date. A proper
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double date. Adults, babysitters.
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Yeah, the whole nine years.
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Ballet parking.
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Yeah.
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Then into the Farmer's Daughter Motel on Fairfax.
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Exactly. And then we switch it up.
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We just pop on something exciting. We'll see what happens.
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No expectations.
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It's a little Ang Lee ice party scene where there's
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only four of us and we put keys in. And
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so it's, if we don't pick our own spouses, nothing
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exciting has happened.
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Right.
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I mean, if we do pick our own spouses, I
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fell apart there.
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Listen, the best part about that scenario is you and
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I would be on our respective beds at the Farmer's
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Daughter Hotel, and we would be so excited about the possibilities,
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and our wives would be so bummed. Yeah, it's true.
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It's true.
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They both would be praying that we got our own
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car keys in that scenario.
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Yeah.
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Isn't that a testament?
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That's exactly what would happen.
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Yeah.
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That's exactly what would happen.
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It says a lot about us, you and I.
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I think it does. I think women cringe when we
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look at them. But that's not true. You're a real
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man's man. I'm going to say this about you.
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Okay.
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You're a man's man. And I say this because... I
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visited your house not long ago when we recorded your
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podcast where you had an incredibly comfortable chair and I
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did not, but I guess that's your thing.
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Well, you had a couch. It wasn't that uncomfortable.
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It wasn't great, to be honest with you. I didn't
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have you on a- You know what it was? I'm
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pretty sure there's a fold-out iron bed in that. It's
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one of those kind of.
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An iron maiden?
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Yeah. It was not a comfortable plush couch. I didn't
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feel that way.
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Well, first of all, I apologize because- Do you though?
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Yeah. Because your chair.
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Is a lazy boy.
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It's incredible.
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It is an incredible chair. I gave it up one
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time on one episode because have you interviewed David Harbour?
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I have not.
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Do you know who he is from Stranger Things? He's
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the cop.
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Yeah.
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He arrived and I was like, this guy's a fucking
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grizzly bear. Look at this man. He was just such
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a man that I felt It would have been inappropriate
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to not give him that lazy boy chair.
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That's interesting because I came in. I said, this is
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an equal.
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I'll put him on the couch and I'll keep the
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preferred chair.
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That was a good save. I will say that you
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are the manlier of men because I come to your
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house and I see, first of all, this like all-terrain
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vehicle parked there. In your compound. On a trailer. On
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a trailer. But it is one of those things that
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looks like in the, it's a Mad Max post-apocalyptic vehicle.
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It's an LA evacuation crisis vehicle. Like when the 7.0 hits,
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my family and I will be in that. It's a
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Polaris Razor four-seater turbo.
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That's what I thought it was. I saw it and
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I was like, that's a Polaris Razor four-seater. That's what
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I thought.
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I knew you were thinking that. And I appreciated that
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you didn't try to embarrass me. I think you knew
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what it was and you were afraid, he might not
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know what he even owns, so I'm not even going
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to bring it up.
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Yeah.
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And I respected that.
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Yeah.
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There's this great documentary I especially think you as the
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owner of a boy should watch.
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He was quite a– I purchased a boy. That's correct.
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Well– You made... I.
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Have a daughter and I have a son. I think
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that's what you're trying to say.
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Yes, you have a daughter and a son, and there
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is a documentary called The Mask You Live In. Have
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you heard of this?
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No.
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Oh, my God. I have to bring it up because
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you're talking about masculinity, and it is all about how
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we culturally lay the foundation of what a boy or
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a man's supposed to be, and pretty much how cancerous
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it is for all of us.
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Yep.
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And they kind of lay out four criteria. And as
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we were learning the criteria, I was with Monica and
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my wife, and it became abundantly clear what a cliche
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I am. It was like sexual conquests. That defines manhood.
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Fighting.
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Consuming copious amounts of booze or alcohol or drugs. And
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then money. Got to make money to be a man.
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And I was like, oh, that's been driving me since
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eight years old, those four things all day, every day.
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I'm one out of four. That's crazy.
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No.
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Yeah.
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I heard you can suck down an eighth of an
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ounce of kind kush weed in a single toke. That's
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what I've been told about you.
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I'm glad that that's out there about me. Not true?
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It is not true.
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Okay.
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I never dabbled much, never really dabbled at all in drugs,
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I will say. And the times I've tried... Sweet Mary Jane,
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I think you guys call it.
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Yeah, that's what we're calling it.
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Or wacky cigarettes.
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But it was Smigel that told you you would really benefit?
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Yes, Robert Smigel.
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Are you blown away with my memory or no?
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No, it was pretty recent that I told you that. Okay, okay.
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The fact that you're bragging about that makes me question
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your memory. The fact that you're like, huh, remember? It's O'Brien, right?
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Conan O'Brien, right? Pretty good, huh?
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I shocked myself, that's why.
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Yeah. Yeah, Robert Smigel, brilliant writer and- Insult the comic dog. Yeah,
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triumph the insult comic dog and blah, blah, blah. And
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I've known him forever. And when we were at Saturday
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Night Live together, he said, you're the only guy I
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know who would benefit from smoking because it would calm
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you down. You're so tightly coiled that it would, if
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you smoked the cancer that you would get Would still
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be offset by the relaxation of the cigarette. Yeah, yeah.
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But you talk about masculinity. I think I've done a
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pretty good job with my son in setting, I think
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in a lot of ways, a low bar. He makes
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fun of me constantly, and I'm very self-deprecating around him.
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I'm not a big sports guy, meaning I'm not an
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incredible athlete. I work out a lot, but I'm not
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a great athlete and so I have not set that expectation.
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I'm trying very hard. What about the stuff like don't cry? Oh,
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I've never told him not to cry.
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Okay.
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I've wished privately sometimes.
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He would stop.
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You know, you know. There have been times, there were
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times when, you know, when he would lose it over
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something that I thought was kind of small and I'd
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think like, gee, you know, you're, you know, my son
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is in his late 30s and... And I'd be like, okay,
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you dropped your donut, but you shouldn't cry. No, no,
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my son, no, he doesn't. I've never done that. I've
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never shamed him in any way, I don't think.
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Well, how about this? It starts with a very simple observation,
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which was definitely true where I grew up, which is
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we almost define boys in opposition to girls. And so
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the worst thing you can be as a boy is
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to be a girl, is to be feminine. And in
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order of insults on a playground, it is basically you're
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a sissy, you're a girl. So the only thing topping
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the female thing is then the homophobia. So what's tricky
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is when you're introducing this concept that to be a
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girl is bad and it's not boy-like. you inadvertently are
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basically establishing a hierarchy of one's better than the other.
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If you're supposed to avoid that. And then we get
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in these very insular clubs because it's very hard for
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us to emote and to talk about our feelings because
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we're told not to do that. And then we get
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old enough where we start drinking and now we'd say,
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I love you. And that's why we drink so we
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can tell everybody we love them. And now we're in
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this little pod and we've been told our whole lives
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that being a woman or a girl is bad. So weirdly,
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we feel superior to them. I think it's all tricky.
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And I found myself going like, oh, yeah, I got
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that software downloaded into me big time.
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But it sounds like you are unpacking it.
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I'm trying. But some of it is so– I find
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this when I'm working on a car. And I hit
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my hand, and I really draw blood. I'm already frustrated,
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and then the wrench slips, and then I cut my hand.
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And I'm ashamed to admit this, but the first word
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out of my mouth is a homophobic pejorative because it's
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in my reptilian brain. On the playground, that was the
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worst thing you could be called, and you were trying
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at all times to not be called that. And so
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it's cemented in there, and I can't. get it out.
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I know enough not to do that in real life,
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but in a moment where I got really badly hurt
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and I'm already frustrated, that word comes out and it's
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cuckoo because I'm not homophobic. I'm trying to relate to you,
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but I don't work on cars. And the closest I
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can get to is If I'm watching a PBS documentary
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on Emily Dickinson. Great, great. And they leave out the
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part where she was in love with her gardener out
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the window.
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Exactly. And they skip that part and they say they're
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going to get to it later. I usually shout out
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some kind of a slur.
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Yeah, be it racial, homophobic, something, right?
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And I worry that my son will see that and
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feel that I'm less of a man while I'm watching
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the Emily Dickinson.
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Yes.
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But it's very hard. You do have that software. I
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don't think I have that software.
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You don't?
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I don't think I have that.
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How could you have grown up in Massachusetts, or however
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you guys say it?
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That's exactly how we say it. How did you know that?
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As a exceedingly tall, redheaded kid and not have been
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called names. You weren't called those names?
256
00:11:53.450 --> 00:11:55.340
No, no. I was called names.
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I got into.
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00:12:00.679 --> 00:12:05.309
you know, scrapes every now and then. I had my
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nose broken once very badly in the north end of Boston.
260
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At what age?
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00:12:11.000 --> 00:12:15.960
I was 18. And I was assaulted by a group of...
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00:12:16.549 --> 00:12:19.110
I believe they were young Italian men who didn't think
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an Irish guy should be in there. I swear to God.
264
00:12:22.049 --> 00:12:25.330
It's so ironic, too, right? It's like an 18th century squabble.
265
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It really was like, look, an Irishman has come into
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the Italian section. What is this? Is this 1820?
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Well, the saddest sociodynamic.
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If we're going to use words like that, I'm out.
269
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That's not even a word.
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00:12:39.730 --> 00:12:42.830
I just kind of. Yeah. You're a strong guy, and
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you've had a lot of experience fighting, yes? Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay.
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00:12:46.350 --> 00:12:48.590
How confident are you that like right now if I
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whipped this podcast headset off and came across the room
274
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and started swinging that you'd be able to handle me?
275
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I feel good about it.
276
00:12:57.409 --> 00:12:59.649
Yeah. Yeah. What would my– do you think I would
277
00:13:00.029 --> 00:13:03.710
be a worthy opponent or– and just be honest. I
278
00:13:03.730 --> 00:13:05.610
don't strike you as a guy. Well– Be honest.
279
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I'll tell you some things.
280
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Yeah.
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You're strong.
282
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Yeah.
283
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I know you exercise a lot.
284
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Yeah.
285
00:13:10.919 --> 00:13:12.779
I think you're strong. You're bigger than me. I think
286
00:13:12.820 --> 00:13:17.029
you outweigh me probably by 30 pounds or so. That's
287
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muscle weight. Yeah, you're thin. Whatever you have is muscle.
288
00:13:20.490 --> 00:13:21.549
Well, not all of it.
289
00:13:21.929 --> 00:13:23.830
Did you wrestle with your brothers a lot growing up?
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00:13:25.309 --> 00:13:29.769
Not effectively. Okay. I was quickly overwhelmed by my oldest brother, Neil,
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00:13:29.789 --> 00:13:31.990
who was much, much bigger than all of us and
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would just sit on me and then laugh as I
293
00:13:34.169 --> 00:13:36.309
was underneath him. Right. Okay.
294
00:13:36.429 --> 00:13:41.970
Well, you know, much like Tarzan grew up around apes
295
00:13:42.149 --> 00:13:44.509
and he could break it. He could swing from trees.
296
00:13:45.470 --> 00:13:47.409
So my brother was five years older than me and
297
00:13:47.450 --> 00:13:50.720
he fought me every hour of every day. And I
298
00:13:50.750 --> 00:13:53.139
think that made me a very good wrestler because I
299
00:13:53.179 --> 00:13:55.820
was fighting someone much bigger than me and older than me.
300
00:13:55.879 --> 00:13:59.799
So I feel like my wrestling skills are really on point.
301
00:14:00.139 --> 00:14:04.549
I fought my mother physically, which didn't go well. She
302
00:14:04.610 --> 00:14:07.330
also bested me. So then I went after my grandmother
303
00:14:07.350 --> 00:14:08.350
who lived in the house with us.
304
00:14:08.409 --> 00:14:12.710
She also won. Which did she employ?
305
00:14:12.769 --> 00:14:16.350
And she was in her 90s. Okay. All right.
306
00:14:16.769 --> 00:14:20.399
All right. But she, no, she used just brute strength.
307
00:14:20.840 --> 00:14:23.440
So I think you're probably. She also had a mouth
308
00:14:23.480 --> 00:14:25.980
like a sailor too, right? Oh my God. The psychological game.
309
00:14:26.000 --> 00:14:27.940
Don't get me started on that one. You know, my
310
00:14:27.980 --> 00:14:29.950
grandmother lived in the house with us when we were
311
00:14:29.990 --> 00:14:33.529
growing up and she had grown up. She had lived
312
00:14:33.570 --> 00:14:36.610
a very long time and she had grown up in
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00:14:36.970 --> 00:14:42.559
Massachusetts during the, early 20th century. I mean, I think
314
00:14:42.600 --> 00:14:45.990
she was like 22 years old when the Titanic sank. Oh, really?
315
00:14:46.029 --> 00:14:50.169
And so she, on St. Patrick's Day, she pulled me
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00:14:50.210 --> 00:14:53.549
aside and she told me, now you're going to go
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00:14:53.570 --> 00:14:56.360
to school today and all the Protestant kids are going
318
00:14:56.379 --> 00:15:01.460
to tease you. And I was like, this is 1975. And,
319
00:15:01.639 --> 00:15:06.200
you know, I'm going to this racially mixed public school where,
320
00:15:06.340 --> 00:15:09.210
you know, kids have Afros, there's Korean kids, there's, I mean,
321
00:15:09.230 --> 00:15:11.820
it's just, No one's thinking about this.
322
00:15:11.840 --> 00:15:12.639
Singling out here.
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And she said, you're gonna go to school today and
324
00:15:15.480 --> 00:15:18.000
the Protestant kids are gonna laugh at you. And I'll
325
00:15:18.039 --> 00:15:21.100
never forget this. She said, and they're gonna try and
326
00:15:21.200 --> 00:15:23.860
rile you. And she said, they're gonna put chalk in
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00:15:23.899 --> 00:15:27.600
your milk. And I thought like, oh my God, that's
328
00:15:27.679 --> 00:15:34.259
something that happened to her in 1902. Some Protestants put
329
00:15:34.279 --> 00:15:36.019
a piece of chalk in her milk and got the
330
00:15:36.070 --> 00:15:40.350
best of Marty Riordan, you know? And I was like, what?
331
00:15:42.389 --> 00:15:43.330
And then, of course, I went to school.
332
00:15:43.350 --> 00:15:45.330
They're going to put thermal in your oil lamp, and
333
00:15:45.370 --> 00:15:47.429
when you light it to do your homework tonight, it's
334
00:15:47.470 --> 00:15:48.950
going to smoke up the whole house.
335
00:15:49.009 --> 00:15:54.029
Yeah, they're going to exchange your whale oil for seal oil,
336
00:15:55.129 --> 00:15:58.250
and the light will be dimmer than you expect. So she,
337
00:15:58.500 --> 00:16:00.389
and then I got to school, and, like, people are
338
00:16:00.409 --> 00:16:02.960
wearing dashikis, and, you know, it's just like, what do
339
00:16:03.000 --> 00:16:06.000
you think? But anyway, the point.
340
00:16:05.919 --> 00:16:09.519
Being that this... It didn't happen. It didn't happen to you?
341
00:16:09.690 --> 00:16:11.730
It didn't happen. I was not mocked for being Irish.
342
00:16:11.769 --> 00:16:15.049
I was mocked for being, I got hand-me-down clothes early
343
00:16:15.070 --> 00:16:17.860
in my life, and my pants never fit because my
344
00:16:17.909 --> 00:16:22.120
legs grew so fast. So I was constantly tormented. Where's
345
00:16:22.159 --> 00:16:25.840
the flood? Hey, where's the flood? Right. Where's the flood?
346
00:16:26.039 --> 00:16:27.679
And for a while, I didn't understand it. And then
347
00:16:27.700 --> 00:16:30.679
they said- Yeah, it's complex. Someone had to explain, if
348
00:16:30.740 --> 00:16:32.659
there were a flood, you would raise your pants. And
349
00:16:32.679 --> 00:16:34.919
I was like, oh, okay. Just put chalk in my
350
00:16:34.940 --> 00:16:36.259
milk then. Right, right.
351
00:16:36.279 --> 00:16:37.960
Let's just cut to the chase. Put the chalk in
352
00:16:37.980 --> 00:16:41.259
my milk. But it makes me think, did you read
353
00:16:41.299 --> 00:16:43.559
the first tycoon, the Cornelius Vanderbilt?
354
00:16:43.899 --> 00:16:46.460
I've read, I've skipped through it and read pieces of it,
355
00:16:46.490 --> 00:16:47.110
but I love it.
356
00:16:47.179 --> 00:16:47.279
Oh.
357
00:16:48.289 --> 00:16:48.799
I love it.
358
00:16:48.809 --> 00:16:52.429
I've read all those, what are they, parishioner, what do
359
00:16:52.450 --> 00:16:55.769
you say? The class, those tycoons.
360
00:16:56.029 --> 00:16:59.139
Yes, yes. You mean that golden age?
361
00:16:59.440 --> 00:17:01.299
Yeah, they call it parishioner class.
362
00:17:01.360 --> 00:17:01.620
I don't know.
363
00:17:01.639 --> 00:17:06.079
At any rate, of all those guys, Carnegie, you know.
364
00:17:06.579 --> 00:17:07.720
Rockefeller. Rockefeller.
365
00:17:07.819 --> 00:17:12.160
The most fascinating is Cornelius Vanderbilt because he, was just
366
00:17:12.279 --> 00:17:13.640
a tough son of a bitch.
367
00:17:13.980 --> 00:17:16.410
And he got- I think he grew up just, I
368
00:17:16.430 --> 00:17:19.230
think he had like one rowboat when he started. He did, yeah.
369
00:17:19.250 --> 00:17:20.710
He lived on a little island. Yeah.
370
00:17:20.849 --> 00:17:23.549
It was all Dutch people. And he grew it into
371
00:17:23.589 --> 00:17:28.299
this steamship empire. But the most famous fighter of the day,
372
00:17:28.390 --> 00:17:31.700
some Irishman who was like the champion of New York,
373
00:17:32.359 --> 00:17:35.380
said some stuff about him in the paper. And then
374
00:17:35.420 --> 00:17:39.059
they were having the St. Patrick's Day parade and Cornelius
375
00:17:39.200 --> 00:17:43.519
was on horseback And that fighter came out into the
376
00:17:43.579 --> 00:17:46.089
street and he was pretty drunk and Cornelius got off
377
00:17:46.109 --> 00:17:48.940
of his horse and punched out the heavyweight champion. And
378
00:17:48.980 --> 00:17:50.759
it's documented in the paper.
379
00:17:50.819 --> 00:17:51.420
It's not like lore.
380
00:17:52.380 --> 00:17:55.569
And, yeah, now that's the kind of tycoon I want
381
00:17:55.589 --> 00:17:56.069
to read about.
382
00:17:56.130 --> 00:17:57.730
Exactly. You don't see Bill Gates.
383
00:17:58.190 --> 00:18:01.069
Knocking out Mike Tyson at the St. Paddy's Day.
384
00:18:01.150 --> 00:18:01.789
Exactly.
385
00:18:02.049 --> 00:18:09.410
Yeah, Mark Zuckerberg took out McGregor. You said, what about Facebook?
386
00:18:09.670 --> 00:18:12.430
Hey, McGregor, you said, what about Facebook? All right, all right,
387
00:18:12.470 --> 00:18:14.950
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No, come here. I'm going to
388
00:18:14.970 --> 00:18:17.269
rip your ass off. Let's do this publicly. We're going
389
00:18:17.289 --> 00:18:19.619
to take a break. What the fuck is that?
390
00:18:19.660 --> 00:18:20.880
We take breaks on here?
391
00:18:21.000 --> 00:18:22.880
Yeah, we take breaks on this one because you know what?
392
00:18:22.900 --> 00:18:24.339
This thing's a cash cow.
393
00:18:24.599 --> 00:18:25.259
Okay, good.
394
00:18:25.319 --> 00:18:26.079
Let's make some money.
395
00:18:26.359 --> 00:18:27.180
Aren't these cash cows?
396
00:18:27.759 --> 00:18:28.559
Oh, yeah, yeah.
397
00:18:28.880 --> 00:18:30.589
They are. We'll talk about that when we come back
398
00:18:30.609 --> 00:18:31.700
because I'm a little worried about it.
399
00:18:31.710 --> 00:18:33.710
You've been told it's a cash cow, which is why
400
00:18:33.730 --> 00:18:34.329
you're sitting here.
401
00:18:35.470 --> 00:18:36.849
I put a ton of my own money into this
402
00:18:36.990 --> 00:18:40.089
and I'm not seeing anything back. All right, we'll take
403
00:18:40.109 --> 00:18:40.650
a break. Hold on.
404
00:18:46.670 --> 00:18:49.470
And now for the segment, Conan O'Brien pays off the
405
00:18:49.490 --> 00:18:50.710
mortgage on his beach house.
406
00:18:50.950 --> 00:18:53.569
Yeah, I hate to bore people with my financial problems.
407
00:18:54.150 --> 00:18:57.130
But as you know, I got a beach house, but
408
00:18:57.170 --> 00:18:59.470
on a nice beach, and then took out a really
409
00:18:59.509 --> 00:19:03.170
big mortgage. And then took a loan on that mortgage
410
00:19:03.269 --> 00:19:07.789
almost immediately. What? Then took a loan on that loan. So.
411
00:19:08.809 --> 00:19:10.289
So many bad decisions.
412
00:19:10.650 --> 00:19:14.339
Yes, I counted. It's three bad decisions. Yeah. In a
413
00:19:14.500 --> 00:19:19.410
very quick succession. I'm okay. Everyone's fine. Kids are going
414
00:19:19.430 --> 00:19:21.210
to eat and there's a roof over our head and everything.
415
00:19:21.269 --> 00:19:23.549
But I need to get to work.
416
00:19:23.970 --> 00:19:25.470
Yeah, you need to make some money.
417
00:19:25.910 --> 00:19:26.869
And we must do that now.
418
00:19:28.250 --> 00:19:29.049
How was school, Pat?
419
00:19:29.579 --> 00:19:32.440
We were learning all about France and Joan of Arc
420
00:19:32.740 --> 00:19:34.680
and the Eiffel Tower and how they speak.
421
00:19:34.960 --> 00:19:35.920
Bonjour, Mama!
422
00:19:36.720 --> 00:19:40.000
We all know how important school is for children's learning,
423
00:19:40.140 --> 00:19:44.240
friendships and overall development. But one in five children are
424
00:19:44.259 --> 00:19:46.650
missing a month or more of their school year. And
425
00:19:46.710 --> 00:19:49.789
when they miss school, they miss out. Every school day.
426
00:19:50.039 --> 00:19:53.700
is a new day visit gov.ie forward slash school attendance
427
00:19:54.160 --> 00:19:56.039
an initiative of the government of ireland.
428
00:19:58.160 --> 00:20:05.609
We're back sitting here with dax shepherd you really do
429
00:20:05.670 --> 00:20:07.210
think we could be friends oh.
430
00:20:07.190 --> 00:20:09.640
Absolutely You know, I really do. I know that this
431
00:20:09.700 --> 00:20:12.680
is like kind of a comedic premise. I recognize that.
432
00:20:12.799 --> 00:20:15.720
It's a bit of a comedic premise, but it has
433
00:20:15.819 --> 00:20:17.619
some grain of truth in it. Yeah.
434
00:20:17.680 --> 00:20:20.289
I would like to discuss the real of it.
435
00:20:20.880 --> 00:20:21.079
Yeah.
436
00:20:21.559 --> 00:20:22.329
If you're open to it.
437
00:20:22.440 --> 00:20:22.680
I am.
438
00:20:22.900 --> 00:20:26.339
Maybe you'll have to save this to episode 100 where
439
00:20:26.359 --> 00:20:27.720
you have a breakthrough or something.
440
00:20:27.880 --> 00:20:28.059
Yeah.
441
00:20:29.039 --> 00:20:31.000
But in your mind, when you think about the fact
442
00:20:31.019 --> 00:20:33.859
that you haven't accumulated a bunch of friends in show business,
443
00:20:35.099 --> 00:20:37.420
my assumption is you think it's their fault.
444
00:20:37.509 --> 00:20:39.869
Is that? Accurate? Nothing's my fault.
445
00:20:40.849 --> 00:20:43.710
Well, I mean, it's very human to assume it's the
446
00:20:43.789 --> 00:20:45.819
other person doesn't want to be friends with you.
447
00:20:46.130 --> 00:20:46.319
Yeah.
448
00:20:46.779 --> 00:20:48.319
Is that your assumption? I'm being sincere.
449
00:20:48.339 --> 00:20:50.680
If we're going to do the sincere thing, I have
450
00:20:50.700 --> 00:20:51.740
to change my tone of voice.
451
00:20:52.140 --> 00:20:57.799
Maybe a different shirt, too. We've got a whole wardrobe
452
00:20:57.819 --> 00:20:58.799
they ran in for you.
453
00:20:58.819 --> 00:21:02.920
Yeah, I need a sincere wardrobe right now. I need
454
00:21:02.940 --> 00:21:07.210
something made of hemp. Yeah, I would say it's a... Mostly,
455
00:21:07.230 --> 00:21:09.640
I would say it's mostly comedic premise and then there's
456
00:21:09.660 --> 00:21:13.599
a grain of truth, but it more comes out of,
457
00:21:13.660 --> 00:21:18.539
I actually do not blame other people. I don't. If
458
00:21:18.559 --> 00:21:20.480
we're going to be sincere, I don't blame other people.
459
00:21:21.039 --> 00:21:24.230
I know that I have, I spoke with your wife
460
00:21:24.269 --> 00:21:29.190
about this. I'm really busy and I have a wife
461
00:21:29.569 --> 00:21:32.829
and two kids and I'm really involved with them. I
462
00:21:32.930 --> 00:21:36.279
come from a big family. And I do have a
463
00:21:36.519 --> 00:21:39.029
set of friends and it's very hard to get together
464
00:21:39.049 --> 00:21:42.680
with them. very hard. It's really hard to make it happen.
465
00:21:42.880 --> 00:21:45.640
You and I also live on opposite sides of this city,
466
00:21:45.680 --> 00:21:47.680
which shouldn't be a big deal, but it actually is
467
00:21:47.720 --> 00:21:48.799
a gigantic deal.
468
00:21:48.859 --> 00:21:48.940
Yeah.
469
00:21:49.000 --> 00:21:52.680
If you're listening and you don't know about Los Angeles, you.
470
00:21:53.200 --> 00:21:55.440
It takes 90 minutes for me to get to Conan's
471
00:21:55.460 --> 00:21:57.400
house at the wrong time of day, and it's only
472
00:21:57.400 --> 00:21:58.349
19 miles.
473
00:21:58.440 --> 00:22:00.849
Yeah. And that's in a Learjet. I mean, it's incredible.
474
00:22:00.880 --> 00:22:07.789
And you have post-apocalyptic... cars that can drive over other cars.
475
00:22:07.890 --> 00:22:11.089
I've thought about just going straight over the Santa Monica
476
00:22:11.130 --> 00:22:14.009
Mountains to your house in the off-road vehicle. And I'm
477
00:22:14.029 --> 00:22:14.779
not ruling that out.
478
00:22:14.789 --> 00:22:15.380
Could you do it?
479
00:22:16.130 --> 00:22:19.369
Well, if that fucking P-21 Cougar could get himself from
480
00:22:19.430 --> 00:22:21.670
there over to Griffith Park, I assume I must be
481
00:22:21.730 --> 00:22:22.109
able to.
482
00:22:22.349 --> 00:22:22.589
Yeah.
483
00:22:22.750 --> 00:22:24.130
You can do it in your vehicle, right? I just
484
00:22:24.150 --> 00:22:25.549
need some mobile ramps and stuff.
485
00:22:26.289 --> 00:22:27.170
Oh, that's a problem.
486
00:22:27.190 --> 00:22:30.319
But there's a couple interesting things to explore, which is
487
00:22:30.480 --> 00:22:33.210
one is That just might be you, right? You might
488
00:22:33.250 --> 00:22:36.569
not be ultra social and you might be very satisfied
489
00:22:36.609 --> 00:22:39.329
being with your family and using all the time you're
490
00:22:39.369 --> 00:22:42.210
not at work for your family. And then that would
491
00:22:42.230 --> 00:22:44.490
be fine. But even if you were fine with it,
492
00:22:44.950 --> 00:22:47.799
you'd have to relieve yourself of this expectation that people
493
00:22:47.819 --> 00:22:50.440
should have a ton of friends. Like you couldn't just
494
00:22:50.500 --> 00:22:52.500
peacefully go, oh, you know what? I'm just not that
495
00:22:52.519 --> 00:22:55.200
kind of person because you inherently or innately just kind
496
00:22:55.240 --> 00:22:57.259
of feel like, well, what's wrong with me? Why don't
497
00:22:57.359 --> 00:23:00.569
I desire that? But I wonder for you, do you
498
00:23:00.650 --> 00:23:02.690
desire it or do you just not desire it?
499
00:23:02.970 --> 00:23:07.490
I think two things. I think one, and this is
500
00:23:07.549 --> 00:23:11.130
very hard for people to believe, but it is true
501
00:23:11.150 --> 00:23:12.750
of a lot of people that get into comedy. A
502
00:23:13.309 --> 00:23:15.690
lot of people get into comedy or there's a strain
503
00:23:15.710 --> 00:23:17.299
of person that gets into comedy. And I think I
504
00:23:17.319 --> 00:23:20.099
fall into this category where there's a bit of a shyness.
505
00:23:21.019 --> 00:23:24.119
And people don't believe that I'm shy because I'm very verbal.
506
00:23:24.140 --> 00:23:26.819
I really do like people. I like to talk to them.
507
00:23:27.450 --> 00:23:29.359
but I am the kind of person who if I'm
508
00:23:29.380 --> 00:23:31.579
at home and I'm on the second floor and the
509
00:23:31.619 --> 00:23:36.579
doorbell rings, I'm really hoping my wife gets it because
510
00:23:36.599 --> 00:23:40.769
I need a little, like I need to ramp up
511
00:23:40.829 --> 00:23:43.150
to going down and saying hi to someone. And I
512
00:23:43.849 --> 00:23:46.970
don't think anyone listening to this would believe that that's true,
513
00:23:47.309 --> 00:23:49.569
but I do get a little shy. And also when
514
00:23:49.970 --> 00:23:54.099
I'm in a restaurant and I see other celebrities or
515
00:23:54.140 --> 00:23:57.009
people I've interviewed, I'm, I got to work up the
516
00:23:57.069 --> 00:23:59.029
nerve a little bit to go over there and say
517
00:23:59.069 --> 00:24:02.170
hi to them. Right. Because it's not my natural. I
518
00:24:02.710 --> 00:24:05.779
always think people want to be left alone. I don't
519
00:24:05.799 --> 00:24:07.039
want to bother them.
520
00:24:07.059 --> 00:24:08.859
Yeah, this is very Boston of you.
521
00:24:08.880 --> 00:24:09.480
Yeah.
522
00:24:09.640 --> 00:24:17.990
But what's kind of fascinating is I, too, I didn't
523
00:24:18.009 --> 00:24:21.750
have social anxiety my whole life. I was very social.
524
00:24:21.769 --> 00:24:28.059
I loved going to bars and stuff. being famous resulted
525
00:24:28.099 --> 00:24:30.700
in me having social anxiety, weirdly enough. Because when I
526
00:24:30.720 --> 00:24:34.380
would meet strangers, I would feel... And again, I'm putting
527
00:24:34.400 --> 00:24:36.529
this all on myself. They'd probably be just happy to
528
00:24:36.569 --> 00:24:39.250
shake my hand, that be that. But I feel this
529
00:24:39.529 --> 00:24:42.490
obligation to deliver something to them when I meet them.
530
00:24:42.609 --> 00:24:45.170
I feel like from the second we start talking, it's
531
00:24:45.250 --> 00:24:48.650
on my shoulders to make this a memorable, interesting exchange.
532
00:24:49.730 --> 00:24:52.559
And quite often, if we're at a public place with
533
00:24:52.599 --> 00:24:56.109
a bunch of people... I can't do that 45 times
534
00:24:56.150 --> 00:24:58.750
in one night. And I start just thinking, oh, that
535
00:24:58.789 --> 00:25:02.250
person left let down. Like, oh, that guy isn't nearly
536
00:25:02.349 --> 00:25:05.450
as fun or gregarious as he presents himself on Conan's
537
00:25:05.490 --> 00:25:09.109
talk show. So I feel like I have, as a
538
00:25:09.170 --> 00:25:12.759
result of being, I don't even like that word, but yes,
539
00:25:12.799 --> 00:25:18.440
but being famous has definitely increased my level of social anxiety.
540
00:25:18.519 --> 00:25:19.640
That's interesting. I don't know.
541
00:25:19.660 --> 00:25:22.039
Do you think you had it on the same level before?
542
00:25:22.559 --> 00:25:24.140
Yeah, I think I had a little bit of that.
543
00:25:24.220 --> 00:25:29.420
I definitely had that shyness before. I do think, to
544
00:25:29.440 --> 00:25:35.940
contrast myself with you, I do feel like people might
545
00:25:35.980 --> 00:25:41.240
expect me to entertain them a little bit, and I
546
00:25:42.019 --> 00:25:46.660
do it for everybody. Sure. Unfailingly. And Sona, you can
547
00:25:46.869 --> 00:25:50.029
weigh in on this, but if the guy comes to
548
00:25:50.170 --> 00:25:53.359
change the smoke alarm- In the house because, you know,
549
00:25:54.339 --> 00:25:58.380
I want that person to have a satisfactory, entertaining moment
550
00:25:58.400 --> 00:26:02.230
with Conan O'Brien. And if I'm at a party of
551
00:26:02.230 --> 00:26:06.569
150 people and it's some function where I'm supposed to
552
00:26:06.630 --> 00:26:09.670
talk to, you know, I'm supposed to mingle and talk
553
00:26:09.690 --> 00:26:13.099
to them. It's some function for the network. I will
554
00:26:13.140 --> 00:26:17.319
get to everybody. Uh-huh. And I will give them my
555
00:26:17.420 --> 00:26:18.819
full attention. It's been described.
556
00:26:18.839 --> 00:26:20.700
You'll get in the platinum package, I call it.
557
00:26:20.799 --> 00:26:23.039
Everybody gets it. Everybody gets it. And it's not a
558
00:26:23.059 --> 00:26:26.599
status thing. I do it. I am running for something.
559
00:26:26.680 --> 00:26:29.380
I'm running for some high office. Yeah, yeah. And I
560
00:26:29.420 --> 00:26:30.900
don't even know what it's for.
561
00:26:31.079 --> 00:26:33.549
Well, I know what it– for me it is– and
562
00:26:33.609 --> 00:26:36.670
this is something that I've had to like really work
563
00:26:36.769 --> 00:26:40.660
at is– The notion that someone would walk away and
564
00:26:40.700 --> 00:26:42.720
not like me is so painful.
565
00:26:42.779 --> 00:26:43.059
Yes.
566
00:26:43.119 --> 00:26:46.859
My own ego of like someone's going to walk away
567
00:26:46.880 --> 00:26:49.359
and go, oh, he's an asshole in real life. I
568
00:26:49.400 --> 00:26:52.900
find that to be painful, the thought of that.
569
00:26:52.920 --> 00:26:53.099
Yes.
570
00:26:53.579 --> 00:26:57.319
But through having kids, it has helped move me a
571
00:26:57.420 --> 00:27:00.000
little bit closer to a healthy place, which is I
572
00:27:00.940 --> 00:27:03.000
am generally quite nice if you meet me out.
573
00:27:02.960 --> 00:27:04.099
At a restaurant. Yes, you're a nice guy.
574
00:27:05.000 --> 00:27:07.539
If I'm with my kids, I'm not very nice because
575
00:27:07.599 --> 00:27:09.960
it's their time. It's no one else's time. So if
576
00:27:10.000 --> 00:27:12.390
we're at the airport and people want to take pictures
577
00:27:12.450 --> 00:27:15.170
and stuff with us, I'm not mean, but I'm very
578
00:27:15.210 --> 00:27:18.440
direct in that this is their time. And I have...
579
00:27:18.759 --> 00:27:22.420
Had to become comfortable with the notion that, yep, some
580
00:27:22.480 --> 00:27:25.289
people on planet Earth are going to leave you and say,
581
00:27:25.349 --> 00:27:27.869
that guy's a dick, and tell people that I'll never
582
00:27:27.950 --> 00:27:29.549
meet that I'm a dick. And I just have to
583
00:27:29.609 --> 00:27:32.769
get comfortable with that because my priority is these two
584
00:27:32.809 --> 00:27:33.150
little girls.
585
00:27:33.170 --> 00:27:33.410
Yes.
586
00:27:33.450 --> 00:27:34.190
And I got to live with that.
587
00:27:34.430 --> 00:27:37.170
And you can't control that. And also, you can give
588
00:27:37.210 --> 00:27:40.490
them everything they want. But if it's a better story
589
00:27:40.529 --> 00:27:43.029
later on in a cocktail party that you're a dick,
590
00:27:43.509 --> 00:27:47.170
then you're a dick. That's right. And so you just...
591
00:27:47.509 --> 00:27:49.390
Talk to the person for 15 minutes to try and
592
00:27:49.430 --> 00:27:51.609
convince them that you're a good guy. I'm a good person.
593
00:27:51.650 --> 00:27:54.089
And then you bought them some stuff in the airport.
594
00:27:55.450 --> 00:27:57.920
Carried their bags. Gift shop and carried their bags. But
595
00:27:57.940 --> 00:27:59.799
then they're like, yeah, I met him. I don't know.
596
00:27:59.819 --> 00:28:01.400
It seemed like kind of a dick. And that's their
597
00:28:01.440 --> 00:28:03.180
story for the rest of their life because frankly– It's
598
00:28:03.200 --> 00:28:06.579
a funner story. It's a more fun story. Let's get
599
00:28:06.599 --> 00:28:08.579
to this because– Really quick.
600
00:28:08.619 --> 00:28:10.809
I just– when you were on my show, he corrected
601
00:28:10.849 --> 00:28:13.250
my English like six or seven times. And I just
602
00:28:13.289 --> 00:28:15.269
said funner. And as it was coming out of my mouth,
603
00:28:15.309 --> 00:28:17.380
I go– He's not going to roll with that and
604
00:28:17.400 --> 00:28:19.859
just match my funner. He's going to say more fun,
605
00:28:19.900 --> 00:28:24.829
which is correct. Isn't it crazy how lightning fast these
606
00:28:24.880 --> 00:28:28.190
thoughts happen? I said funner, and in the moment those
607
00:28:28.589 --> 00:28:31.450
two syllables came out of my mouth, I felt insecure.
608
00:28:31.470 --> 00:28:34.150
I thought about what you were going to do. All
609
00:28:34.190 --> 00:28:34.950
this stuff happened.
610
00:28:35.269 --> 00:28:37.250
That's weird because I just instantly felt pity for you.
611
00:28:37.269 --> 00:28:42.720
Same shit. Let's get to this. We just got to
612
00:28:42.769 --> 00:28:44.769
get it out of the way. Oh, okay. I made
613
00:28:44.809 --> 00:28:48.549
an attempt, a good-hearted attempt. I came out of my shell.
614
00:28:48.950 --> 00:28:51.289
I reached out to you, and I said, after you
615
00:28:51.309 --> 00:28:54.730
had suggested it, let's really make this double date happen.
616
00:28:55.029 --> 00:28:55.359
Hold on.
617
00:28:55.369 --> 00:28:56.299
That's insufficient.
618
00:28:56.490 --> 00:28:56.799
Hold on.
619
00:28:57.170 --> 00:28:58.019
That's not sufficient.
620
00:28:58.460 --> 00:28:58.740
Hold on.
621
00:28:58.759 --> 00:28:59.599
Okay, go ahead.
622
00:29:00.319 --> 00:29:04.690
You, I put out there, how about 3-14?
623
00:29:04.680 --> 00:29:08.880
No, no, no, no. I'm not letting you proceed. Your timeline,
624
00:29:08.900 --> 00:29:10.079
you've jumped way too far ahead.
625
00:29:10.549 --> 00:29:10.640
Okay.
626
00:29:10.660 --> 00:29:10.740
Okay.
627
00:29:11.630 --> 00:29:14.150
So here's what really happened, which is I've been on
628
00:29:14.170 --> 00:29:15.650
your show 350 times.
629
00:29:15.759 --> 00:29:15.910
Yeah.
630
00:29:16.119 --> 00:29:17.700
We get along great on your show. We have a
631
00:29:17.799 --> 00:29:18.619
great chemistry.
632
00:29:18.660 --> 00:29:18.859
Yes.
633
00:29:18.940 --> 00:29:21.480
Some of my finest chemistry is shared with you and
634
00:29:21.519 --> 00:29:26.359
my wife. That is a very specific rapport we have.
635
00:29:26.460 --> 00:29:26.619
Yes.
636
00:29:27.299 --> 00:29:30.019
And I ran into you in Santa Barbara at a
637
00:29:30.059 --> 00:29:31.890
party and we started talking.
638
00:29:31.990 --> 00:29:32.309
Yeah.
639
00:29:32.569 --> 00:29:34.750
And there I discovered you love history.
640
00:29:34.890 --> 00:29:35.109
Yeah.
641
00:29:35.589 --> 00:29:38.230
And I love history. So we started really talking about
642
00:29:38.269 --> 00:29:39.690
history a whole bunch.
643
00:29:39.769 --> 00:29:40.259
It was fun.
644
00:29:40.359 --> 00:29:44.839
To our wife's total erotic fantasy come true.
645
00:29:45.140 --> 00:29:51.180
Yeah. They were touching themselves as we were discussing Grant's
646
00:29:51.460 --> 00:29:52.670
second term. Yes.
647
00:29:53.289 --> 00:29:53.549
So.
648
00:29:54.880 --> 00:29:58.690
In that moment, also that you ride bicycles, you ride motorcycles,
649
00:29:58.730 --> 00:30:02.049
so that now we discovered, oh, we could be real-life friends.
650
00:30:02.470 --> 00:30:05.150
I think that's relevant. It's not like on the 29th
651
00:30:05.369 --> 00:30:07.809
appearance on your talk show, you were like, hey, let's hang.
652
00:30:07.829 --> 00:30:09.819
No, no, no, and we talked about maybe getting together,
653
00:30:09.839 --> 00:30:10.960
and we tried to make it happen a few times.
654
00:30:11.440 --> 00:30:13.640
I discovered you were a real three-dimensional human being that
655
00:30:13.700 --> 00:30:15.259
I would be interested in hanging out with.
656
00:30:15.579 --> 00:30:18.259
But Loves the Side has surprised you? Absolutely.
657
00:30:18.700 --> 00:30:19.839
I meet you on a talk show.
658
00:30:20.180 --> 00:30:20.380
Yeah.
659
00:30:20.680 --> 00:30:22.589
Yeah, you have a persona.
660
00:30:22.609 --> 00:30:22.809
Yeah.
661
00:30:23.819 --> 00:30:24.880
During the talk show.
662
00:30:25.779 --> 00:30:27.380
Is it that different from who I am in real life?
663
00:30:27.400 --> 00:30:29.400
Well, you do a different voice like, I don't know,
664
00:30:29.460 --> 00:30:30.640
every two minutes.
665
00:30:32.640 --> 00:30:33.220
Now, if you.
666
00:30:33.140 --> 00:30:35.420
Imagine having someone over for dinner who's going to do
667
00:30:35.440 --> 00:30:37.140
a different voice every two minutes.
668
00:30:37.559 --> 00:30:38.940
Come on. I don't do a different voice.
669
00:30:38.960 --> 00:30:40.400
Well, let me in. I can entertain you.
670
00:30:40.829 --> 00:30:46.200
Yeah. One of those mashed potatoes. Listen, that was my
671
00:30:46.240 --> 00:30:49.240
catchphrase for 94-95. Are those mashed potatoes? That was my
672
00:30:49.259 --> 00:30:53.920
catchphrase in 94-95. What are those, mashed potatoes? It was
673
00:30:53.960 --> 00:30:56.359
a big thing then. Look it up. It was during
674
00:30:56.420 --> 00:30:58.740
Friends' first season. Here we go. I put out, how
675
00:30:58.759 --> 00:31:00.299
about 314, 315, or 324? You write back. You're really excited,
676
00:31:00.319 --> 00:31:04.539
and you say 315. 315.
677
00:31:05.700 --> 00:31:08.740
I love that you're saying your exact sentences but paraphrasing mine.
678
00:31:09.069 --> 00:31:11.029
I don't feel like this is just at all. I
679
00:31:11.049 --> 00:31:13.009
can't read this. Because I have the same shit on
680
00:31:13.029 --> 00:31:14.769
my phone that I also brought with me.
681
00:31:14.789 --> 00:31:17.349
Okay, listen. I have this printed out on pieces of paper,
682
00:31:17.390 --> 00:31:22.230
which makes me better. Okay? So we established that the
683
00:31:22.259 --> 00:31:26.559
date would be 3-15. Now, you're a history buff. March 15th,
684
00:31:26.579 --> 00:31:27.839
the Ides of March.
685
00:31:27.880 --> 00:31:28.579
Yeah, yeah.
686
00:31:28.599 --> 00:31:30.220
Do you know what happened on the Ides of March?
687
00:31:30.240 --> 00:31:32.460
Julius Caesar was stabbed by Mark Antony.
688
00:31:33.819 --> 00:31:35.200
Right? It was Brutus.
689
00:31:36.309 --> 00:31:37.930
Brutus stabbed him?
690
00:31:37.990 --> 00:31:39.490
Brutus stabbed him. Yeah, Brutus stabbed.
691
00:31:39.509 --> 00:31:40.430
Oh, not Mark Antony.
692
00:31:40.569 --> 00:31:41.589
I don't think Mark Antony.
693
00:31:41.609 --> 00:31:42.849
Do you like how I'm saying Antony?
694
00:31:43.349 --> 00:31:46.650
Mark Antony was his only friend, right? Yeah. But Brutus
695
00:31:46.710 --> 00:31:49.339
was a friend. March 15th is a famous date.
696
00:31:49.359 --> 00:31:50.940
That you should go sideways.
697
00:31:51.460 --> 00:31:54.640
Well, not just that. When a man is betrayed by
698
00:31:54.720 --> 00:31:57.410
someone he thought was his friend. Yeah, okay. The Ides
699
00:31:57.450 --> 00:32:02.490
of March. Okay, great. So you write me back.
700
00:32:02.509 --> 00:32:04.769
You better read this shit verbatim because I have it.
701
00:32:05.130 --> 00:32:05.809
I have it right here.
702
00:32:06.450 --> 00:32:08.910
I actually was delighted. Again, I'm going to interject because
703
00:32:08.930 --> 00:32:10.349
I'm the fucking guest. Did I not bring this down?
704
00:32:10.390 --> 00:32:12.009
And I let you talk more when you were on
705
00:32:12.049 --> 00:32:12.569
my show.
706
00:32:12.589 --> 00:32:12.930
Okay, go ahead.
707
00:32:12.990 --> 00:32:14.029
Let me talk for one second.
708
00:32:14.789 --> 00:32:15.269
Oh, here we go.
709
00:32:16.230 --> 00:32:16.849
Hold on.
710
00:32:16.869 --> 00:32:19.210
Stow your pistol. Order, order.
711
00:32:19.529 --> 00:32:20.630
Stow your pistol.
712
00:32:20.690 --> 00:32:22.690
Quiet, Corley. I've got him on the ropes. And he
713
00:32:22.710 --> 00:32:25.319
says I'm doing voices all the time. But it ain't true,
714
00:32:25.410 --> 00:32:28.799
I tell ya. It ain't true at all. I'm secure.
715
00:32:28.819 --> 00:32:33.960
I don't need to entertain constantly. You say perfect. I'll
716
00:32:33.980 --> 00:32:38.240
start fasting now. 3-15, March 15th, exclamation point.
717
00:32:38.259 --> 00:32:42.609
Okay. Your friend is telling you to flip the page.
718
00:32:43.410 --> 00:32:44.130
That's not my friend.
719
00:32:44.150 --> 00:32:46.509
This is like watching your 90-year-old grandma kick your ass.
720
00:32:46.569 --> 00:32:47.369
It's laborious.
721
00:32:49.509 --> 00:32:52.089
Then I reach out to you on the 15th and say, hey,
722
00:32:52.130 --> 00:32:55.150
is this happening? You get back to me. And the
723
00:32:55.170 --> 00:32:56.079
only reason I bring this up is that you.
724
00:32:56.079 --> 00:32:58.259
Here's where I insist you now go verbatim, which I'm
725
00:32:58.299 --> 00:33:01.700
now holding the same script as you. Okay, go ahead.
726
00:33:01.720 --> 00:33:03.059
Let me do my part. You read your part.
727
00:33:03.079 --> 00:33:04.759
Because, by the way, when I look this up to
728
00:33:04.799 --> 00:33:06.740
find out who was right or who was wrong, and
729
00:33:06.759 --> 00:33:09.980
you'll soon learn I was wrong. I can admit that.
730
00:33:10.890 --> 00:33:11.490
That's all I wanted.
731
00:33:11.630 --> 00:33:13.730
I was upset to see that I was wrong, but
732
00:33:13.759 --> 00:33:16.559
then I was delighted by our exchange because it really delivered.
733
00:33:16.700 --> 00:33:18.480
You're very funny in your exchange.
734
00:33:18.500 --> 00:33:20.359
Can I say one thing just beforehand? The only reason
735
00:33:20.400 --> 00:33:22.920
I'm bringing this up and being such a stickler is
736
00:33:22.940 --> 00:33:27.039
that I did your podcast and I said you canceled day.
737
00:33:26.900 --> 00:33:31.319
Of and you insisted that it was impossible that you
738
00:33:31.339 --> 00:33:32.599
would cancel day of.
739
00:33:32.940 --> 00:33:35.019
Yep. So I went back into the files.
740
00:33:35.519 --> 00:33:35.980
As did I.
741
00:33:36.039 --> 00:33:39.920
And when I realized that you canceled day of- Did
742
00:33:39.940 --> 00:33:43.400
you do a victory dance? I orgasmed for the first
743
00:33:43.440 --> 00:33:48.000
time in four years. Mostly dust came out.
744
00:33:48.160 --> 00:33:48.680
Some lint.
745
00:33:48.880 --> 00:33:51.079
Yeah, lint and a Lincoln penny.
746
00:33:51.200 --> 00:33:54.039
So my friend Conan inquires whether or not we're on
747
00:33:54.099 --> 00:33:57.940
for that night. And here's my response. So when we
748
00:33:57.980 --> 00:34:00.559
made these plans and I picked this date, I knew
749
00:34:00.779 --> 00:34:03.180
I was shooting a sitcom, but at the time they
750
00:34:03.259 --> 00:34:05.960
told me we would shoot live on Fridays in front
751
00:34:05.980 --> 00:34:08.469
of an audience. Then I got the schedule last night
752
00:34:08.590 --> 00:34:11.260
and learned I will be shooting stuff tonight as well.
753
00:34:11.960 --> 00:34:15.380
For some weird reason, I'm attaching it. I guess because
754
00:34:15.420 --> 00:34:17.699
it's very important to me that you know I'm not lying,
755
00:34:18.239 --> 00:34:22.119
which in and of itself probably deserves some exploration. At
756
00:34:22.179 --> 00:34:24.179
any rate, I'm very bummed that this is the case,
757
00:34:24.300 --> 00:34:26.880
and I hope we can reschedule. Don't give up on me, Dad.
758
00:34:27.900 --> 00:34:29.219
Interesting you made me your father.
759
00:34:30.489 --> 00:34:35.260
That's right. And I did attach the schedule, which, by
760
00:34:35.280 --> 00:34:38.320
the way, literally did come out the night before. So
761
00:34:39.579 --> 00:34:42.050
I couldn't have really done a better job because I
762
00:34:42.119 --> 00:34:43.889
just found out basically when you found out.
763
00:34:44.150 --> 00:34:44.530
I understand.
764
00:34:44.570 --> 00:34:47.170
Not to excuse it. I still canceled on you day up.
765
00:34:47.210 --> 00:34:49.010
But are you going to read your response or can
766
00:34:49.050 --> 00:34:49.710
I read yours?
767
00:34:50.030 --> 00:34:52.349
I don't think I have my response. Because yours is great.
768
00:34:52.369 --> 00:34:55.510
So you say Dax. I called your line producer and
769
00:34:55.550 --> 00:35:00.559
you aren't even in the cast. He said, you never
770
00:35:00.619 --> 00:35:03.900
got the role and haven't worked in months. You need help, man.
771
00:35:04.500 --> 00:35:06.760
No problem. Let's do it some other time. It's not
772
00:35:06.780 --> 00:35:10.250
like I'm terminally ill or anything. Off to the doctor now, Conan.
773
00:35:10.489 --> 00:35:10.670
Right.
774
00:35:10.789 --> 00:35:14.210
This is a brilliant response. So then I respond, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
775
00:35:14.269 --> 00:35:14.670
Ha, ha.
776
00:35:14.829 --> 00:35:16.989
I give you like nine ha, ha, ha. You know
777
00:35:17.010 --> 00:35:19.510
how funny I thought it was. Quote, I called your
778
00:35:19.550 --> 00:35:23.429
line producer. I'm even quoting you. You wrote back. I
779
00:35:23.469 --> 00:35:24.550
was told that's a thing.
780
00:35:24.769 --> 00:35:24.949
Yeah.
781
00:35:24.969 --> 00:35:27.329
A little self-deprecation at the end. Now, I look at
782
00:35:27.369 --> 00:35:28.929
that as a big victory for both of us.
783
00:35:29.289 --> 00:35:30.550
It was a big victory. And you know what? I
784
00:35:30.590 --> 00:35:34.909
wasn't upset. I wasn't upset. The only reason we're talking
785
00:35:34.929 --> 00:35:38.340
about this now is that you insisted on your podcast
786
00:35:38.360 --> 00:35:40.179
that you would never do that. And I just had
787
00:35:40.219 --> 00:35:41.280
to set the record straight.
788
00:35:41.340 --> 00:35:41.639
Yeah.
789
00:35:41.980 --> 00:35:44.679
That on the Ides of March, you stabbed me in
790
00:35:44.699 --> 00:35:45.139
the back.
791
00:35:45.340 --> 00:35:45.699
I did.
792
00:35:45.719 --> 00:35:47.719
I watched you bleed on the steps of the- On
793
00:35:47.739 --> 00:35:48.860
the Senate floor.
794
00:35:48.980 --> 00:35:49.900
Yeah.
795
00:35:50.760 --> 00:35:53.059
But no, it is, you know, it is, we're going
796
00:35:53.079 --> 00:35:54.519
to get together and you and I are going to
797
00:35:54.559 --> 00:35:57.099
talk about history. And maybe the ladies can't, I mean,
798
00:35:57.139 --> 00:35:58.920
maybe the ladies can't be there if we're going to
799
00:35:58.940 --> 00:35:59.619
talk about history.
800
00:35:59.760 --> 00:36:02.940
Well, that's the other most predictable outcome of our night
801
00:36:03.000 --> 00:36:05.579
at the Farmer's Daughter Hotel is that you and I
802
00:36:05.659 --> 00:36:09.659
probably will just start passionately rolling around in the binding
803
00:36:09.719 --> 00:36:11.000
of a grant biography.
804
00:36:11.219 --> 00:36:11.900
Yes, exactly.
805
00:36:11.920 --> 00:36:14.000
You know, smearing the pages on each other's faces.
806
00:36:14.019 --> 00:36:14.460
Yeah.
807
00:36:17.590 --> 00:36:21.199
Listen, I- I gotta say that was probably my favorite
808
00:36:21.239 --> 00:36:23.460
moment you and I ever had on your show was
809
00:36:24.059 --> 00:36:26.619
I was going through what I think I am out
810
00:36:26.659 --> 00:36:29.260
of 10. Do you recall this? You probably don't.
811
00:36:29.300 --> 00:36:30.239
Yes, I do.
812
00:36:30.360 --> 00:36:34.949
And then I'm a six, but lucky for us men,
813
00:36:35.389 --> 00:36:39.989
women subconsciously average your personality in your looks. And they
814
00:36:40.070 --> 00:36:42.889
think that's what they're seeing. So I was telling you, well,
815
00:36:42.909 --> 00:36:45.380
my personality is a 10. My looks are a six.
816
00:36:45.880 --> 00:36:47.760
Thank God my wife sees an eight when I walk
817
00:36:47.820 --> 00:36:50.630
in the door. And then you said to me, what
818
00:36:50.690 --> 00:36:53.449
am I? And I said, well, your looks are a
819
00:36:53.590 --> 00:36:56.889
five and you came unglued. And I'm like, well, hold on.
820
00:36:56.900 --> 00:36:59.219
I'm only giving myself six. Do you remember that? That
821
00:36:59.260 --> 00:37:00.980
was really fun. I don't understand why I was a five.
822
00:37:01.039 --> 00:37:04.260
I still don't understand. There's no comedy if I say six.
823
00:37:04.639 --> 00:37:07.260
There's comedy if I say one lower than me. I
824
00:37:07.280 --> 00:37:10.880
thought your whole thing was that you're being sincere. No,
825
00:37:10.980 --> 00:37:13.940
on podcasts I am. On your show, I'm a liar
826
00:37:14.119 --> 00:37:16.340
and an instigator and a provocateur.
827
00:37:16.360 --> 00:37:17.030
Right, right.
828
00:37:17.559 --> 00:37:19.059
But here you're being- I challenged all those guys.
829
00:37:19.079 --> 00:37:21.059
Okay, what am I? We're on the podcast now.
830
00:37:21.579 --> 00:37:23.119
I think you and I are very comparable. I think
831
00:37:23.139 --> 00:37:23.739
you're a six.
832
00:37:24.420 --> 00:37:25.320
I think I'm higher than that.
833
00:37:26.449 --> 00:37:27.510
Okay, what do you think you are?
834
00:37:27.730 --> 00:37:29.829
Okay, I've got, first of all, I think if I
835
00:37:29.869 --> 00:37:32.130
got a few things fixed- Well, no, no, no, this
836
00:37:32.190 --> 00:37:34.409
is not the- Yeah, listen to me. This is not
837
00:37:34.429 --> 00:37:38.909
the post makeover assessment. I have thin, unattractive lips. Okay.
838
00:37:38.929 --> 00:37:40.900
If I could get those plumped out. Okay. I have
839
00:37:41.019 --> 00:37:43.280
rat-like eyes. I have beady eyes. And I have an
840
00:37:43.480 --> 00:37:50.010
eye vein that shows up on camera- And I, if
841
00:37:50.070 --> 00:37:52.760
I could get those things, I have killer hair. I'm
842
00:37:53.110 --> 00:37:53.980
a 12 when it comes to hair.
843
00:37:54.000 --> 00:37:56.159
Well, you can't go over 10.
844
00:37:56.159 --> 00:37:59.639
Okay, I'm a 10 in hair. I've got a, I
845
00:37:59.699 --> 00:38:02.170
work out. My body's in pretty good shape. It is, yeah.
846
00:38:02.230 --> 00:38:04.230
I'm going to give myself, for my age, I'm going
847
00:38:04.250 --> 00:38:07.289
to give myself an eight on that. But yeah I
848
00:38:07.289 --> 00:38:07.769
gotta get.
849
00:38:07.809 --> 00:38:09.760
I would go higher I'd say If we're just talking
850
00:38:09.800 --> 00:38:13.480
Your physique At 55 You're a 9.
851
00:38:12.739 --> 00:38:15.260
Okay Thank you Yeah yeah So you're saying My face
852
00:38:15.280 --> 00:38:17.179
Drags me down I don't think girls Give a shit
853
00:38:17.860 --> 00:38:19.199
My face drags me down To a.
854
00:38:19.139 --> 00:38:21.840
6 Well no I'm not averaging your body I'm just
855
00:38:21.880 --> 00:38:25.320
going with your face And your personality Okay What's wrong
856
00:38:25.340 --> 00:38:28.389
with the personality It's great It's a 10 Okay Your
857
00:38:28.409 --> 00:38:30.730
personality's a 10 Your looks are a 5 Makes you
858
00:38:30.750 --> 00:38:31.530
a 7.5 I've only got you By. 5 in my
859
00:38:31.570 --> 00:38:38.050
Scenario I don't... You don't accept that.
860
00:38:38.110 --> 00:38:38.909
It's good for you.
861
00:38:38.969 --> 00:38:40.250
You've got a competitive flair.
862
00:38:40.389 --> 00:38:41.289
I got to fix this face.
863
00:38:42.010 --> 00:38:44.949
We got to get you some fillers, it sounds like,
864
00:38:44.969 --> 00:38:47.050
is what you want. You want some fillers in your lips.
865
00:38:47.300 --> 00:38:49.480
I want lips filler. I have to have the eyes
866
00:38:50.019 --> 00:38:52.159
opened up a little bit. Okay. Because when I look
867
00:38:52.179 --> 00:38:52.400
from side.
868
00:38:52.420 --> 00:38:53.980
You're going to have to go to Asia for that.
869
00:38:54.199 --> 00:38:56.199
That's a procedure that's done frequently.
870
00:38:56.239 --> 00:38:57.960
When I look from side to side, I look like
871
00:38:58.039 --> 00:39:01.019
one of those... I look like a rat looking around
872
00:39:01.059 --> 00:39:02.980
to see if the room is safe to enter. And
873
00:39:03.320 --> 00:39:04.820
I want that to go away. Okay.
874
00:39:04.860 --> 00:39:05.539
We can fix that.
875
00:39:05.579 --> 00:39:07.719
Yeah. And you can see my veins through my skin
876
00:39:07.739 --> 00:39:09.139
because of my pale complexion.
877
00:39:09.159 --> 00:39:11.150
That we're stuck with. Unless you want to wear an
878
00:39:11.230 --> 00:39:14.210
eye patch. Because they can't make your skin thicker, to
879
00:39:14.250 --> 00:39:14.849
my knowledge.
880
00:39:14.989 --> 00:39:17.110
I was thinking of having the eye vein removed. Or.
881
00:39:17.679 --> 00:39:19.530
But then I find out that it supplies most of
882
00:39:19.550 --> 00:39:21.190
the blood to my brain. Okay.
883
00:39:21.630 --> 00:39:23.369
Then let's not do that. Although, you know what you
884
00:39:23.409 --> 00:39:25.730
could do is you could use this great product, Latisse,
885
00:39:25.789 --> 00:39:28.989
that women use to make their eyelashes thicker.
886
00:39:29.010 --> 00:39:29.900
I think if we.
887
00:39:29.980 --> 00:39:33.079
got your eyelashes so thick and powerful, it could distract
888
00:39:33.119 --> 00:39:34.199
from that vein you don't like.
889
00:39:34.219 --> 00:39:34.949
Okay.
890
00:39:35.389 --> 00:39:36.130
What do you think of that?
891
00:39:36.389 --> 00:39:38.750
I'll do it. Okay, great. I think what we took
892
00:39:38.789 --> 00:39:40.409
away from all of this, and maybe this is why,
893
00:39:40.429 --> 00:39:43.349
I don't know, you sort of gave away the ending
894
00:39:43.369 --> 00:39:46.780
to maybe this whole podcast, which is that I may
895
00:39:46.820 --> 00:39:48.530
not want a lot of friends. I have a couple
896
00:39:48.550 --> 00:39:51.570
of friends who are really good friends. Yeah. And I
897
00:39:52.989 --> 00:39:57.829
have friends that go back 35 years who I talk
898
00:39:57.849 --> 00:40:00.650
to all the time, once, twice a week. Yeah. I'm
899
00:40:00.750 --> 00:40:01.969
really close with those people.
900
00:40:01.989 --> 00:40:07.630
You're also someone who historically has remained friends with people
901
00:40:07.670 --> 00:40:10.530
you've worked with, which I think is a pretty good sign.
902
00:40:10.690 --> 00:40:14.349
Yes. Oh, no, I'm a loyal friend. I don't think
903
00:40:14.389 --> 00:40:17.440
I'm looking... That's why you've ruined this podcast.
904
00:40:17.519 --> 00:40:18.739
I was hoping to.
905
00:40:18.900 --> 00:40:22.480
I don't think at the end of the day, I
906
00:40:22.780 --> 00:40:25.639
would love to hang with you whenever we can make
907
00:40:25.679 --> 00:40:27.989
that happen, but I don't think I'm looking for a
908
00:40:28.050 --> 00:40:30.750
lot of celebrity friends. And I think we have to
909
00:40:30.769 --> 00:40:31.989
change the name of the podcast.
910
00:40:32.130 --> 00:40:34.269
Well, do they have to be celebrity friends?
911
00:40:34.949 --> 00:40:36.510
What's the point of having a regular friend?
912
00:40:36.769 --> 00:40:39.320
Well, you bring up a good point.
913
00:40:39.380 --> 00:40:40.340
This is going to sound terrible.
914
00:40:40.500 --> 00:40:40.820
Okay.
915
00:40:40.920 --> 00:40:43.840
But I do very well with the common man. Oh, yeah.
916
00:40:44.510 --> 00:40:46.949
I'm sure. That's what the guy who installed your smoke
917
00:40:46.969 --> 00:40:49.969
detector told me. I ran into him in the hallway.
918
00:40:50.010 --> 00:40:50.929
He was doing some work here.
919
00:40:53.449 --> 00:40:54.730
I said, hey there, common man.
920
00:40:54.750 --> 00:40:57.110
I know you're a plight.
921
00:40:59.110 --> 00:41:00.570
Did you take a mule here?
922
00:41:01.210 --> 00:41:03.530
Did you have any problem getting your mule up the driveway?
923
00:41:04.530 --> 00:41:06.170
All right, we've got to wrap this up. All right.
924
00:41:06.329 --> 00:41:08.090
But you're an excellent— Can you feel how much I
925
00:41:08.139 --> 00:41:10.139
like you? I keep trying to make this go longer.
926
00:41:10.239 --> 00:41:12.019
Do you feel me trying to make this go longer?
927
00:41:12.039 --> 00:41:13.059
Because it's more time with you.
928
00:41:13.159 --> 00:41:15.239
I do, and it's pushing me away. Yeah, yeah.
929
00:41:15.380 --> 00:41:16.239
I'm going to feel needy.
930
00:41:16.559 --> 00:41:18.139
Yeah, it's coming across as very needy.
931
00:41:18.320 --> 00:41:19.239
Okay.
932
00:41:19.780 --> 00:41:23.199
But loved this. Okay. Thank you so much. And also,
933
00:41:23.909 --> 00:41:27.389
I can't believe this hasn't come up yet. You're killing
934
00:41:27.449 --> 00:41:30.710
it in the podcast world. So I am absolutely thrilled
935
00:41:30.730 --> 00:41:34.099
that you— that you took the time to come here
936
00:41:34.159 --> 00:41:38.179
and do this because this is your métier.
937
00:41:39.260 --> 00:41:41.139
I don't know what that word means. Is that French?
938
00:41:41.320 --> 00:41:42.039
Is it correctly?
939
00:41:42.079 --> 00:41:45.360
It sounds like matinee, like the Latin for matinee. Are
940
00:41:45.400 --> 00:41:47.159
you saying that it's something I do in the afternoons?
941
00:41:47.559 --> 00:41:52.300
Okay, no. This is what you do. You took to
942
00:41:52.340 --> 00:41:54.469
it like a duck to water that hadn't been in
943
00:41:54.510 --> 00:41:56.989
water before but then immediately liked the water. All right.
944
00:41:57.239 --> 00:41:58.389
God bless. You're a good man.
945
00:41:58.489 --> 00:41:59.630
I love you, Conan O'Brien.
946
00:41:59.710 --> 00:42:00.869
I love you too, Dax Shepard.
947
00:42:07.059 --> 00:42:09.719
And now another segment of Conan O'Brien pays off the
948
00:42:09.760 --> 00:42:10.880
mortgage on his beach house.
949
00:42:16.170 --> 00:42:17.670
Hi, everyone. This is Matt again.
950
00:42:17.829 --> 00:42:19.929
So there's something slightly unique with this one in that
951
00:42:19.969 --> 00:42:23.090
you guys have semi-concrete plans to actually hang out as friends.
952
00:42:23.130 --> 00:42:24.670
Do you think that's actually going to happen?
953
00:42:24.949 --> 00:42:27.360
Yeah, I do for sure. I have a lot of shortcomings,
954
00:42:27.500 --> 00:42:30.860
but I am, and again, March 15th excluded, I am
955
00:42:30.920 --> 00:42:31.780
a man of my word.
956
00:42:32.179 --> 00:42:34.260
It did seem like you took great pains to show
957
00:42:34.340 --> 00:42:35.199
how stressed you were.
958
00:42:35.460 --> 00:42:38.769
I included a document when I told Mike on it.
959
00:42:39.199 --> 00:42:40.199
Right? Yeah. Yeah.
960
00:42:40.260 --> 00:42:43.949
So I definitely think we will hang out. Sooner or later,
961
00:42:43.969 --> 00:42:46.869
he'll move east or I'll move west. There's no way
962
00:42:46.889 --> 00:42:49.269
we'll end our lives separated like this.
963
00:42:49.510 --> 00:42:50.570
You'll do it for each other?
964
00:42:50.869 --> 00:42:51.369
No, no.
965
00:42:51.409 --> 00:42:53.670
But just by some other set of circumstance.
966
00:42:54.969 --> 00:42:57.360
You've gone deeper than anyone else thus far. So thank
967
00:42:57.400 --> 00:42:57.820
you for that.
968
00:42:58.320 --> 00:42:58.699
Okay.
969
00:42:58.800 --> 00:42:59.119
Thank you.
970
00:43:06.170 --> 00:43:06.469
Sana.
971
00:43:06.690 --> 00:43:06.929
Yes.
972
00:43:07.070 --> 00:43:09.469
It's time to play a little game we call True
973
00:43:09.570 --> 00:43:13.949
or False with Sona Lovesessian. You all set? Not really. Okay,
974
00:43:13.969 --> 00:43:16.449
here we go. We were just on tour, of course,
975
00:43:16.530 --> 00:43:19.119
Conan working hard. I go out and I do my,
976
00:43:19.139 --> 00:43:22.019
you know, 40 minutes up top. Then I go out
977
00:43:22.039 --> 00:43:24.360
at the end. I'm working hard going city to city,
978
00:43:24.360 --> 00:43:28.199
18 city tour. You're there to help me out. True
979
00:43:28.219 --> 00:43:31.079
or false, you left me on the last leg of
980
00:43:31.099 --> 00:43:35.630
the tour. You took off. True or false? True-ish. And
981
00:43:35.650 --> 00:43:38.570
did you leave me with anyone to help me? No.
982
00:43:39.070 --> 00:43:41.750
You left me alone? Yes. Would you like to talk
983
00:43:41.769 --> 00:43:45.630
about that at all? Do you feel bad about it? No. Okay.
984
00:43:45.889 --> 00:43:46.659
I don't feel bad about it.
985
00:43:46.679 --> 00:43:48.239
Because you took off and then it was up to
986
00:43:48.340 --> 00:43:52.840
me to carry on by myself. And it was tough.
987
00:43:53.599 --> 00:43:55.159
I'm not trying to make you feel guilty or anything,
988
00:43:55.639 --> 00:43:59.659
but if I were you, I'd feel a lot of guilt. Okay.
989
00:44:01.119 --> 00:44:04.320
First, I liked how you said Conan working hard.
990
00:44:04.340 --> 00:44:05.340
I just like to get that out there.
991
00:44:05.400 --> 00:44:07.500
In the beginning of this, like you're talking in the
992
00:44:07.539 --> 00:44:10.769
third person. When I hear you talk about this, I
993
00:44:10.809 --> 00:44:15.030
just hear you're so valuable that when you leave, there's
994
00:44:15.070 --> 00:44:16.989
a hole in my life.
995
00:44:17.210 --> 00:44:18.409
That's a nice way to look at it. And you
996
00:44:18.449 --> 00:44:21.610
know what? You are valuable to me. So when you left,
997
00:44:22.960 --> 00:44:24.699
I thought, I hope this is for a good reason.
998
00:44:24.719 --> 00:44:25.639
Where'd you go?
999
00:44:26.059 --> 00:44:27.619
I went to a wedding.
1000
00:44:27.900 --> 00:44:28.320
Whose wedding?
1001
00:44:28.840 --> 00:44:31.219
I went to my friend Anais' wedding. My friend Anais
1002
00:44:31.280 --> 00:44:32.800
and Roger got married in London.
1003
00:44:32.840 --> 00:44:34.139
Anais? In London?
1004
00:44:34.219 --> 00:44:34.760
In London.
1005
00:44:34.780 --> 00:44:37.760
Is she a close relative? No. Oh.
1006
00:44:37.920 --> 00:44:38.659
No, she's a friend.
1007
00:44:39.719 --> 00:44:40.969
You just went to a friend's wedding.
1008
00:44:41.329 --> 00:44:42.989
I went to a friend's wedding. Yeah, I did.
1009
00:44:43.130 --> 00:44:45.969
Did you think at all, maybe I shouldn't go because
1010
00:44:46.050 --> 00:44:47.469
I'm with Conan on this important tour?
1011
00:44:48.300 --> 00:44:50.119
Do you want me to be honest?
1012
00:44:50.179 --> 00:44:50.579
Of course.
1013
00:44:50.599 --> 00:44:53.599
I didn't think about it at all.
1014
00:44:54.019 --> 00:44:56.769
I also, I don't even know if I told you
1015
00:44:56.809 --> 00:44:59.630
that I wasn't going to be there until like a
1016
00:44:59.730 --> 00:45:00.429
day before.
1017
00:45:00.630 --> 00:45:04.389
You didn't. You didn't. You didn't, and that's another point.
1018
00:45:04.789 --> 00:45:07.230
You didn't say anything to me like, you know, a
1019
00:45:07.289 --> 00:45:09.309
month from now, because you had to buy tickets to
1020
00:45:09.329 --> 00:45:13.130
go to London. You had to make big arrangements to go.
1021
00:45:13.469 --> 00:45:16.429
You didn't say anything to me. You just, day before, like,
1022
00:45:16.510 --> 00:45:18.210
oh yeah, I'm not here tomorrow. You're on your own.
1023
00:45:18.849 --> 00:45:22.829
Good luck getting all of your shit together. Good luck
1024
00:45:23.130 --> 00:45:26.110
with your tour, Laffy Chimpy Boy.
1025
00:45:26.929 --> 00:45:27.300
What?
1026
00:45:27.429 --> 00:45:30.650
And then you took off. And you don't even, who
1027
00:45:30.710 --> 00:45:32.769
is this person? I've never even heard her name before.
1028
00:45:32.969 --> 00:45:36.030
Laffy Chimpy Boy. No, Anais. Who's Anais? I don't even
1029
00:45:36.090 --> 00:45:36.960
know her. Who's she?
1030
00:45:36.980 --> 00:45:37.900
Anais is a friend of mine.
1031
00:45:38.000 --> 00:45:40.719
So what? Oh God, you have so many friends.
1032
00:45:40.739 --> 00:45:42.039
I'm real popular.
1033
00:45:42.059 --> 00:45:44.920
I know, but sometimes, I think you throw around the
1034
00:45:44.940 --> 00:45:48.780
term friend a little loosely because you're just like, oh yeah,
1035
00:45:48.800 --> 00:45:52.510
she's my friend. I gotta go to London. Did you
1036
00:45:52.570 --> 00:45:53.289
really have to go?
1037
00:45:53.389 --> 00:45:56.409
You sound very jealous right now. I mean.
1038
00:45:56.750 --> 00:45:59.909
Do you think you made the right call? Yes, I don't.
1039
00:45:59.730 --> 00:46:03.630
Regret it even for a second. I yeah, I do.
1040
00:46:03.869 --> 00:46:05.650
You you show me a lot.
1041
00:46:06.329 --> 00:46:10.389
So what I what I really did was you like
1042
00:46:10.429 --> 00:46:13.190
having riffs where you make fun of how terrible I
1043
00:46:13.329 --> 00:46:14.050
am at my job.
1044
00:46:14.409 --> 00:46:16.429
So I just stepped away from that for a few days.
1045
00:46:16.570 --> 00:46:18.829
So if you're asking me, hey, did you miss me
1046
00:46:18.949 --> 00:46:21.369
making fun of you incessantly for a few days so
1047
00:46:21.429 --> 00:46:23.340
you could go to London for a wedding?
1048
00:46:23.360 --> 00:46:23.989
Yeah.
1049
00:46:25.070 --> 00:46:27.400
It wasn't a hard decision to make at all.
1050
00:46:27.480 --> 00:46:30.659
Okay, quick question. You left, left me in the lurch.
1051
00:46:32.360 --> 00:46:34.920
But then you said that you were gonna be back
1052
00:46:35.480 --> 00:46:38.179
for the next, the show at the start of the
1053
00:46:38.239 --> 00:46:40.969
next part of the leg, which was in Chicago. Uh-huh.
1054
00:46:41.610 --> 00:46:46.610
Were you there in time to go with us to Chicago? No. No?
1055
00:46:47.469 --> 00:46:49.380
That's right, you weren't. What happened there?
1056
00:46:50.260 --> 00:46:51.760
My flight got canceled.
1057
00:46:53.090 --> 00:46:54.949
Did you leave a little buffer there for that flight
1058
00:46:54.969 --> 00:46:56.480
back so you could get back to your important job?
1059
00:46:56.559 --> 00:46:59.679
No, I wanted to maximize my time in London. So
1060
00:46:59.719 --> 00:47:01.880
I booked the flight for the morning.
1061
00:47:01.539 --> 00:47:04.460
Of the show. You booked the flight in London for
1062
00:47:04.500 --> 00:47:06.480
the morning of my show in Chicago that you were
1063
00:47:06.500 --> 00:47:09.650
supposed to be at. And then, oops, that didn't work out.
1064
00:47:10.030 --> 00:47:12.510
You're on your own again, chimpy boy.
1065
00:47:14.849 --> 00:47:17.210
But in my defense, do you make fun of me
1066
00:47:17.230 --> 00:47:17.570
a lot?
1067
00:47:17.789 --> 00:47:20.030
I do. I'm good at it. It might be the
1068
00:47:20.070 --> 00:47:23.619
thing I'm best at. Now, listen, let's make sure that
1069
00:47:23.639 --> 00:47:25.699
we're honest here. Do you make fun of me a lot? Yes,
1070
00:47:26.039 --> 00:47:26.340
I do.
1071
00:47:26.579 --> 00:47:27.420
It's what I'm best at.
1072
00:47:27.519 --> 00:47:30.099
I think we are both. I think in each other,
1073
00:47:30.119 --> 00:47:34.559
we have found the person. Isn't it crazy that the
1074
00:47:34.579 --> 00:47:37.300
person you're best at making fun of in the world
1075
00:47:37.480 --> 00:47:39.920
is Conan O'Brien, and the person I'm best at making
1076
00:47:39.940 --> 00:47:41.699
fun of in the world is Sona Moisesian, and then
1077
00:47:41.739 --> 00:47:45.039
we happen to meet? Yes. And we happen to work together? Yes.
1078
00:47:45.199 --> 00:47:45.880
It's destiny.
1079
00:47:45.900 --> 00:47:48.539
This is like Lennon meeting McCartney. It's magical.
1080
00:47:48.679 --> 00:47:50.440
I don't understand that reference at all.
1081
00:47:50.480 --> 00:47:55.179
I'm sorry. They were singers long before there were, you know,
1082
00:47:55.699 --> 00:47:56.300
apps and stuff.
1083
00:47:56.320 --> 00:47:57.739
Oh, that Lennon and McCarthy.
1084
00:47:58.360 --> 00:48:02.219
McCartney. Wait, did you think I was talking about Vladimir
1085
00:48:02.260 --> 00:48:05.789
Lennon and Joe McCarthy? Yes, I did. You know what?
1086
00:48:05.829 --> 00:48:12.730
You're like, I'm Vladimir Lennon and you are red baiting
1087
00:48:14.670 --> 00:48:16.889
Red baiting commie hunter, Joe McCarthy. Yes.
1088
00:48:16.909 --> 00:48:17.670
It's actually perfect.
1089
00:48:17.789 --> 00:48:19.809
It's a perfect analogy. We are the perfect analogy. I
1090
00:48:19.829 --> 00:48:20.969
thought you said McCarthy.
1091
00:48:21.429 --> 00:48:23.909
And I was like, Lennon and McCarthy, I don't understand
1092
00:48:23.949 --> 00:48:25.559
that relationship at all.
1093
00:48:25.969 --> 00:48:29.239
Oh my God. I, this is great. I actually think
1094
00:48:29.280 --> 00:48:31.760
we're perfect as, you know what? Let's leave it that way.
1095
00:48:31.840 --> 00:48:36.599
Vladimir Lennon and Joseph McCarthy. That's what we are.
1096
00:48:36.719 --> 00:48:37.039
Yeah.
1097
00:48:37.119 --> 00:48:37.519
Together.
1098
00:48:37.800 --> 00:48:38.199
It's good.
1099
00:48:38.239 --> 00:48:40.219
So one of us has a stroke at a pretty
1100
00:48:40.260 --> 00:48:43.519
young age and the other one dies of alcoholism. Yeah.
1101
00:48:44.179 --> 00:48:44.570
I'm happy.
1102
00:48:44.760 --> 00:48:45.929
You're going to be the stroke one.
1103
00:48:52.369 --> 00:48:56.269
Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Sona Movsesian and Conan
1104
00:48:56.329 --> 00:49:00.909
O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced
1105
00:49:00.969 --> 00:49:03.940
by Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and
1106
00:49:04.000 --> 00:49:06.239
Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.
1107
00:49:06.659 --> 00:49:08.239
Special thanks to Jack White.
1108
00:49:08.119 --> 00:49:11.039
And the White Stripes for the theme song. Incidental music
1109
00:49:11.079 --> 00:49:14.820
by Jimmy Vivino. You can rate and review this show
1110
00:49:14.880 --> 00:49:17.909
on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured
1111
00:49:17.949 --> 00:49:20.969
on a future episode. Got a question? for Conan? Call
1112
00:49:21.010 --> 00:49:27.320
the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It, too,
1113
00:49:27.380 --> 00:49:30.099
could be featured on a future episode. And if you
1114
00:49:30.139 --> 00:49:33.260
haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend
1115
00:49:33.519 --> 00:49:37.539
on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
1116
00:49:43.809 --> 00:49:48.820
This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.