Why High-Achieving Teens Struggle With Confidence with Dr. Cam - Episode #107

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Hey, peace and prosperity family.
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So we're back with another episode.
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And this time I want you all to hear a conversation I had with Dr.
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Cam, where we talked about how to help high-achieving teens deal with self-doubt and burnout.
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All right, let's get to the episode.
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Welcome, Jason.
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I'm so happy to see you.
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Hey, thanks, Dr.
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Cam.
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Thank you for having me.
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I'm excited to have this conversation with you.
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Absolutely.
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I'm excited too.
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So tell us your backstory.
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How did you get focused on helping high achievers?
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Yeah, thanks for asking that question.
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I've never been asked that one.
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Really?
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So it kind of, you know, fell into my lap in the sense where I've worked in, you know, being a graduate from University of Michigan.
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I was an intern at the Ann Arbor VA at that hospital, working with uh some of just one of the biggest military populations.
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I've been a uh clinic chief on a behavioral health clinic at Fort Bragg, which is uh, you know, the home for special operations community.
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And then just in my practice, a lot of people who were in leadership in corporate executive roles, uh, they were attracted to me for because of my style and my background.
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So it became a really good fit.
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And then because I was so used to helping people with anxiety, in turn, I would notice that I was helping them build their confidence.
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And that's how I began to really specialize in helping high achievers overcome imposter syndrome, eliminate self-doubt, and improve their confidence.
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I love that.
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And I think there's such a feels almost ironic that people that are high achievers have so much self-doubt.
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You know, you think, well, they're high achieving.
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They must be so confident and so believe in themselves.
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And yet they are riddled with self-doubt and anxiety.
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And I see this with a lot of, I mean, it starts in adolescence, right?
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I see a lot of this in the teens that I work with who, oh my gosh, they're like getting straight A's and they're doing this and they're doing all this, and they still feel like they're never enough.
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And I talk to the parents, the parents like, I don't even know where this comes from.
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I don't understand.
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We're constantly telling them we love them no matter what, and yet they're pushing.
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So, where does first this drive for achievement come from?
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A lot of times it's the external pressure.
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And being a high achiever myself, I can recall, as you were saying, I remember being younger and parents and grandparents saying, you can do this, you can do that, and I would excel in school.
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Um, I double promoted it different times throughout my, you know, um middle and early elementary school career.
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So I remember it just feeling pressure to perform.
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Yeah.
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You know, straight A's were great, but then that comes with a lot of anxiety too.
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And not, you know, at that age, not knowing that it's anxiety, just knowing that you want to get things right.
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Yeah.
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So a lot of times it comes from external um pressure, like our parents, our peers, and our teachers, and they mean well.
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They really do.
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I was on a panel the other day, and one of the teens asked, you know, they said, My teachers are saying that I'm destined for greatness.
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Oh.
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But I feel so much pressure hearing that from them.
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Yeah, that's like they can see what we can't see.
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Yeah.
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So I think when you hear this, and I know parents, teachers, everyone, we want to encourage our kids.
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We want them to see how amazing they are.
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We want them to live into their potential, but often, and just as you said with this person, the way they said it didn't feel inspiring.
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It felt weighty and overwhelming, right?
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So, as parents, how do we, and sometimes again, we think we're saying the stuff that means it doesn't matter, but in fact, we're saying the absolute opposite in terms of like So, quick question.
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Have you ever said they don't make music for me anymore?
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Yep, same.
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That's why we started Classic Rocktails, a podcast where we revisit amazing albums from back in the day and ask, do these still rule?
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And more importantly, if you could only pair that album with one cocktail, what would it be?
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We pour the drink, talk some nonsense, have some laughs, argue a little, and fall back in love with the music that made us love music.
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Classic Rocktails.
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It's better with a buzz.
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So, how can parents help inspire and motivate their kids to do their best?
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But without putting unnecessary pressure on them.
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That's a fine line.
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Are we already getting into uh some actionable strategies?
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Oh gosh, let's do it.
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Unless there's something we're missing.
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I like action.
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So the first thing I will say is that one, we want to be able to make room for failure.
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Because so often we're telling people how good they're doing, we're telling our kids how awesome they are, and when they have a bad day, they think, well, what is wrong with me?
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Oh, I messed up, I have a B plus and not an A, or I'm not in the honors society, or I'm not taking this AP course, something's wrong with me.
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We want to allow our teenager to be able to fail because we know that there are a lot of lessons learned from that failure, and that we will not, no matter how great, how smart you are, how excellent you are, how much of a perfectionist you can be, you're not going to win or master every single thing.
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So we want to really make a lot of room for failure so that way when that day comes, you'll, your team will know, oh wow, this is just a part of the process.
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This doesn't mean that I'm not enough.
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Yeah.
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I think I even want to take that further because allowing for failure it is one thing.
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I like to even encourage failure because I my perspective is, and the perspective I'm trying to teach my teen, is that doing something that is so hard that you fail out of it is a sign that you're pushing yourself outside your comfort zone.
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So we strive to do something that we aren't gonna succeed at because that's what helps us grow.
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And so it's really focusing on like, what did you do today that was so hard that you weren't able to do it yet?
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Right.
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It I don't know if you're a big exercise or weightlifting person, Dr.
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Cam, but no.
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I I wanna be.
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I'm okay.
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There's this term that you you you know, sometimes like you'll ask, how many, you know, how many reps are we doing?
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Are we doing 10, 20?
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And then sometimes it's until failure.
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Yes, yes, until failure.
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And what that means is just what you said.
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You're just pushing yourself until you can't anymore because we know that that's when the growth happens.
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Right.
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It's not in just staying in this small window, this comfort zone.
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I want you to go into a failure, and when you just say, Oh, I can't do anymore.
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Okay, you're done.
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I love that.
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Yeah.
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And then we've got on the other side the kids that are constantly pushing themselves and pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing and never feel like it's enough.
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How do we balance that where we're like it's okay to just be okay and not amazing at everything?
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Like, how do we communicate that without making them feel like, oh, we just think you're okay?
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You see what I'm saying?
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Like, it's okay to be average, and you're like, Well, does that mean I'm average?
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Right, right.
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It will it goes back to that that the balance, right?
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Because as much as we want to push to failure, we also have to make time for rest too.
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Because we can't just go, go, go, go, or else we'll be exhausted, we'll be burned out, we'll be overwhelmed.
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So making sure that you carve out time to just, you know, do what you want to do.
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If you want to just relax, watch TV, play a video game, sleep in, make sure you're not just loading your calendar full of things that you have to do because again, you'll always put you can put so much on there and never feel like you're done ever.
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I want to just put an explanation a point after that.
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I can't wait there, but I want to put that after that because one of the things I do see, and a lot of the times the parents are like, I don't understand why they have this belief.
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But then you look at their schedules, and their schedules are packed.
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And every time they try to sit down and play a video game or scroll through TikTok, it's like you're being unproductive.
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You can't do that.
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You've got it, you've got to.
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If you have time to do that, you have time to do this.
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You should be doing this, you should be doing that.
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And it's like we have this belief that we need to be productive 24-7 or we're wasting our time.
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And I that is exhausting.
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And we do burn out, and and I think the importance of sleeping in, taking it out, right?
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Why we need to prioritize that?
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Why is that so hard for us to prioritize those things?
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You know, for high achievers, because it's almost like you feel guilty.
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Like, what am I missing, or what am I not doing?
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Because you are good at so many things.
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Maybe you're in the on the swim club, or you're a part of the the chess team, or you are playing piano, or you're also uh in the choir.
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Like, there's so many things that you're good at, it's hard for you to say no to yourself.
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So just because you can do something doesn't mean you should do something.
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And you we want to incorporate rest in there too.
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Yeah.
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So that's where you know parents have to be mindful of, okay, let them just pick a couple of things, but not everything.
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That is key.
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And how do we help our kids who are in that place of, well, I'm, and there's kids that are just interested in everything.
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I want to do everything, or they do feel that pressure to do everything.
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How do we help them limit what they're doing and saying it's okay to have a day where you don't have any any responsibilities or any requirements or commitments?
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So this is another um strategy, I will say the parents really have to model that same confidence and model the boundary.
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Yeah.
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So just as we want our kids to be able to rest and relax and focus on these things, they're always going to look at us and see what are we doing?
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If mom and dad are constantly being spread then, if mom and dad are constantly saying yes to everything, for us to say we want them to do it, it's like, wait, well, we haven't seen this happen for you.
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So when we can model that behavior, it's a lot easier, excuse me, it's a lot easier for them to do it.
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Yeah, modeling is a big one.
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Um, and and I think turning around when we see our kids, when we see different things our kids are doing, I think the first thing we often need to do is turn around and look in the mirror and go, what are we modeling?
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Because often that and people always joke, well, I'm cleaning the dishes and they don't model that.
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And I'm like, no, they don't model that.
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You're right.
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I they don't model that stuff.
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So we've got a lot of the parents are going, okay, my teen is amazing.
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I think my teen is great.
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My teen has no self-esteem.
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They think they are not good at anything.
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How do I help them see their value when anything I say gets an eye roll and I, you just have to say that because you're my mom.
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Yeah.
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So one thing that I've encouraged uh parents to do, and I've seen success in that, is ask your teen if they, if they're not good at, if they feel like they're not good at anything, ask them what they could help somebody else do.
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Meaning, how could the teen be a a mentor to someone who's a little bit younger than them?
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Because now, once that happens, they're like, oh wow, I didn't realize I was so good at, you know, playing this this game, or I was so good at tutoring when they're, you know, they're in the their senior, but then they're helping freshmen.
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Yeah.
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So once they're able to go give back, often it builds it builds like a really genuine sense of self-confidence.
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The second thing I would say to that team or that parent is give your teenager less advice.
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Because sometimes we tell them, oh, we you should do this, you should do that.
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Let's let's take a step back from giving advice and just listening a little bit more.
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And that way you can really figure out where's the disconnect.
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What is my teen saying that I'm not hearing?
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That is such an important one, and probably one of the hardest ones for parents to do because we have so much wisdom to share, and we have this person here that that needs to listen to us.
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We finally have we finally have an audience that's there for us to to share our wisdom and they don't want to hear it.
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And I think that gets frustrated too.
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And I often will tell parents, I said, the fact rather than getting frustrated or annoyed that your kid won't take your advice, be thrilled that your kid feels confident enough to figure it out on their own.
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Yay! Like that's a plus, right?
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They don't want your advice.
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That's great.
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Um, so I think we we kind of focus that way.
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So the other thing I want to extend to, and I want to ask you, is asking your teen for advice.
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What do you think about that?
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I think it shows that they it it builds trust.
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Anytime you can ask your team for advice, it lets the team know that wow, I'm important and my thought process is actually valued.
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Um, I have something insightful to add to the conversation.
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And really, Dr.
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Cam, as you know, it's necessary because that that team, they probably have a lot of wisdom that we're not tapping into.
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And by you listening to their advice and actually implementing it, oh my gosh, that does wonders for them.
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Yeah.
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It's huge.
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And I think the ability to not have to be not having to be right all the time as a parent, I think is a real strength.
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And I will talk to kids who are like, my parents would rather die than admit they're wrong.
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My parents will never let me win.
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They have to win no matter what.
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And I think right there, that behavior is modeling the very fear that our kids have, is that you have to win.
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And it gives them a voice.
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We see it all the time in adults where adults who feel like they their opinions aren't valued, uh, nobody cares what they think, nobody listens to them.
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But it starts in early, uh, early adulthood or teenage years where when we listen to our kids and when we ask them for their input and actually um follow what they say, it lets them know, like, wow, you know, what I say really does matter.
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Yeah.
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That is so key.
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And we don't have to agree with it.
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No, we don't have to.
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And it and it can be you can start small, like, you know, even on, hey, what do you all want to eat?
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What do you all, where should we go for, you know, what movie should we watch?
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Not always having to control so many things.
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Yeah.
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Most workplaces say they care about well-being, but their teams are still burned out, overwhelmed, and running on empty.
00:16:48.080 --> 00:16:58.000
If your organization is trying to support high performers without sacrificing their mental health, this is exactly the conversation we need to have.
00:16:58.159 --> 00:16:58.720
I'm Dr.
00:16:58.799 --> 00:17:12.880
Jason Phillips, therapist and speaker, and I help organizations address burnout, build confidence, and create cultures where people can perform at a high level without losing themselves in the process.
00:17:13.119 --> 00:17:24.720
So if you're planning a conference, leadership event, or training, visit jasonlphillips.com to learn more about bringing this conversation to your organization.
00:17:25.039 --> 00:17:27.039
All right, let's get back to the episode.
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Giving them a lot of agency, I think, is really important.
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And one of the things that I'll uh parents will come to me with, and I I want to get your thoughts on this, is they'll say, well, if I don't go in and micromanage and do all of this, then they don't do as well.
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And that hurts their, then they that hurts their self-esteem when they don't do well.
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So I need to go in and do this to per per to save their self-esteem.
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I'm gonna throw that one at you and let you break that one down.
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You know what?
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I think when that happens, oftentimes it's the parent not being able to manage their anxiety about their kid not performing the way they want to or looking a certain way.
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Because when you put the onus back on the teen, then the teen will know, okay, I have to study or else I won't get the good grade, or I have to raise my hand and ask a question because I can't always rely on my mom or my dad or my caregiver to figure this out for me.
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Actually, it helps build confidence for them.
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I can remember growing up, sometimes, you know, if I didn't, if I didn't know something at school, my mom would say, Well, you need to ask the teacher to explain this to you more instead of just always figuring it out.
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Or if I had a question, if we were out at a restaurant, she said, ask the waiter or the waitress, what does this mean?
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What does this taste like?
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And at the time it was really kind of nerve-wracking.
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I was shy, not sure how I would come across.
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But in hindsight, it helped me to advocate for myself.
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Yeah, I love that.
00:19:16.319 --> 00:19:26.240
And that's that's something that's really big with me, my daughter too, is that from the very get-go, she, if it was about her, she was there.
00:19:26.480 --> 00:19:37.200
We would never make, I never made decisions without her, even when she was little, without her there, being part of the conversation, being able to voice what her thoughts and feelings were.
00:19:37.519 --> 00:19:40.480
And I think that has helped her be able to go.
00:19:40.640 --> 00:19:43.119
My value, I have value in what I say.
00:19:43.440 --> 00:19:51.039
And she can very, she's very good at advocating for herself now and asking those questions, but it took a long time, right?
00:19:51.200 --> 00:19:52.799
It took, it took doing that.
00:19:53.039 --> 00:20:01.599
So I think, and I love that when we say if we step back, then our kids will fail and that will hurt their self-confidence.
00:20:01.839 --> 00:20:03.599
I I think that you are right.
00:20:03.759 --> 00:20:07.279
That is managing our own fear of how they're feeling.
00:20:07.440 --> 00:20:12.240
And it's also when we step back, we have to step back with our expectations too.
00:20:12.319 --> 00:20:18.720
What I see parents do is say, I'm gonna let you own it, but I still expect this exact outcome.
00:20:19.200 --> 00:20:19.680
Right.
00:20:20.079 --> 00:20:21.359
That's not owning it.
00:20:21.519 --> 00:20:25.200
That's you owning it, but letting them fig trying to flounder, right?
00:20:25.359 --> 00:20:26.480
So that's even worse.
00:20:26.720 --> 00:20:31.839
When we step back and say they own it and we're not gonna be, they own the outcome.
00:20:33.200 --> 00:20:33.839
Right.
00:20:34.559 --> 00:20:45.599
And when you when you let kids fail, when you let kids just be themselves, when you let them explore, it's like we're all in this process together.
00:20:45.680 --> 00:20:55.039
So no matter what happens, we're there for emergency purposes, but we're not coddling them and making them overly dependent on us.
00:20:55.519 --> 00:20:56.160
Yeah.
00:20:57.039 --> 00:21:07.680
I I I want to get into because I think when we talk about high achieving teens, I think it's really important to talk about the high achieving parents, right?
00:21:08.079 --> 00:21:17.359
Because there is, whether our kids are high achieving or not, I think there's a lot of pressure on parents to be high achievers as parents.
00:21:17.599 --> 00:21:18.079
Yeah.
00:21:18.319 --> 00:21:18.640
Right?
00:21:19.359 --> 00:21:19.680
Right.
00:21:19.839 --> 00:21:26.240
What I see is parents who are doing a lot in their own lives.
00:21:26.319 --> 00:21:32.240
They're not setting the boundaries at work, they're not setting the boundaries with their extracurricular activities.
00:21:32.319 --> 00:21:41.119
So they're involved in clubs at work, they're involved in clubs at church, they're involved with the uh the clubs with their kids.
00:21:41.200 --> 00:21:45.680
They're doing so much where they're having a hard time saying no.
00:21:45.839 --> 00:21:49.200
And then they're also trying to manage their kids and what they have going on.
00:21:49.279 --> 00:21:53.039
So they're feeling really tired, really exhausted.
00:21:53.200 --> 00:21:56.319
And when we start to look at, okay, well, what's all on your plate?
00:21:56.559 --> 00:21:59.519
They'll say, Well, I'm the president of this club.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:03.680
I'm the uh the leader here, I'm the treasurer in this group.
00:22:03.839 --> 00:22:08.799
And I'm like, well, wow, how do you have time and energy to show up and give a hundred percent to everything?
00:22:08.960 --> 00:22:11.039
And they'll say, Jason, I I don't.
00:22:11.200 --> 00:22:11.359
Yeah.
00:22:11.599 --> 00:22:17.839
So that's when they can look and see, well, wow, I'm I'm not modeling what I want my kid to do.
00:22:18.000 --> 00:22:24.640
Because I'm thinking that in order to be this great parent, I have to drive all of these kids all all over the town.
00:22:24.880 --> 00:22:32.480
I I have to, you know, be present for my kids and and take on some of their own responsibility.
00:22:32.799 --> 00:22:42.559
Meaning, maybe your teenager is old enough where they can do some light cooking or they can do some light housekeeping, but they don't empower their kids to do it.
00:22:42.720 --> 00:22:44.720
They do it all the on themselves.
00:22:45.039 --> 00:22:45.359
Yeah.
00:22:45.599 --> 00:22:45.920
Yeah.
00:22:46.000 --> 00:22:52.319
I and I think again, the the empowering a lot of them will be like, well, my kid won't do it, right?
00:22:52.480 --> 00:22:53.680
They they refuse to do it.
00:22:53.759 --> 00:22:58.480
And I think that is a whole nother, a whole nother podcast on how to do that, right?
00:22:58.720 --> 00:23:10.160
But let's get into because we do as adults have this, you know, there's this belief of like grit and pushing and and just doing it all.
00:23:10.240 --> 00:23:22.000
And there's this mentality of that that we are actually see parents trying to force that mentality on their kids and getting very frustrated when their kids aren't developing this go, go, go, go, go, go, go mentality.
00:23:22.480 --> 00:23:25.440
Where does that go mentality come from?
00:23:25.599 --> 00:23:29.359
And is it is it what we sh is it healthy?
00:23:30.160 --> 00:23:34.160
One, it's definitely not healthy because kids can only handle so much.
00:23:34.319 --> 00:23:43.359
So as adults, we can, we can go, we can push through, you know, we can have a, you know, uh maybe a bad attitude about it, but we'll still get it done.
00:23:43.599 --> 00:23:47.519
At some point, kids just say, you know what, I'm I'm not doing it anymore.
00:23:47.680 --> 00:23:54.000
They'll become really irritable, they may become disrespectful, they may start to act out in other ways.
00:23:54.240 --> 00:23:58.960
Whereas as adults, we can manage our emotions in different ways.
00:23:59.200 --> 00:24:00.720
Kids can't always do that.
00:24:00.880 --> 00:24:07.599
They don't have the words, they don't have sometimes even the uh the intellect to manage some of these things.
00:24:07.759 --> 00:24:13.599
So we put the expectations on our kids to be almost like little mini-me's.
00:24:13.920 --> 00:24:26.799
When we need to step back and remember, we're the adults, we've been there, and we also can't make up lost time by trying to get our kids to do what we wish we would have done at their age.
00:24:26.960 --> 00:24:27.200
Yeah.
00:24:27.440 --> 00:24:30.079
Right now we're looking at all these different opportunities.
00:24:30.319 --> 00:24:38.640
Oh wow, you can you can do this, you can get this scholarship, you can go to school here, you can be a part of this club.
00:24:38.960 --> 00:24:51.279
I didn't I didn't have these opportunities, which is okay to accept that and reflect on it, but don't push all of that on them and think that just because they have it, they're gonna want to do it.
00:24:51.599 --> 00:24:52.799
Um, we've seen that.
00:24:52.880 --> 00:25:02.880
I mean, even in in sports, we'll see certain people say, you know what, I want you to be just like me, and it doesn't always work like that.
00:25:03.200 --> 00:25:03.599
Yeah.
00:25:03.759 --> 00:25:10.319
I it's very unfair because you're basically saying, oh, I'm gonna take over your life too.
00:25:10.640 --> 00:25:12.000
I don't just have my life.
00:25:12.160 --> 00:25:13.599
I want to relive my childhood.
00:25:13.680 --> 00:25:17.759
So I'm gonna take over your life and not let your kid have their life.
00:25:18.000 --> 00:25:19.759
Like that's their life.
00:25:20.000 --> 00:25:25.680
I um I was talking to this was an adult who said during their teenage years, they were playing a sport.
00:25:25.759 --> 00:25:27.039
I think it was golf.
00:25:28.000 --> 00:25:41.039
And their parent was so overbearing that they would show up to all of the the golf, the golf outings, they would show up to practices, but even the ones that were closed off to parents.
00:25:41.279 --> 00:25:46.240
And then, you know, in golf, there are certain rules and boundaries where you can't get on the green.
00:25:46.400 --> 00:25:50.880
The parents would overstep that, they would talk a lot.
00:25:51.039 --> 00:25:58.160
They were just really being so involved because they were trying to live out their dream through their kid.
00:25:58.240 --> 00:26:06.559
Yeah, and it actually hurt the kid because the parents, um, the other team members were like, Look, your dad's getting in the way, honestly.
00:26:06.880 --> 00:26:07.279
Yeah.
00:26:07.440 --> 00:26:10.480
That that's a really it's a really hard one.
00:26:10.559 --> 00:26:18.079
And I think we as parents can sit there and justify it as, well, I'm just really involved in my kid's life.
00:26:18.240 --> 00:26:20.000
I'm just being a good parent.
00:26:20.319 --> 00:26:20.960
I care.
00:26:21.440 --> 00:26:36.079
How do we draw that line between caring and parenting and supporting and way overstepping our boundaries and now, you know, taking taking their life away from them for us?
00:26:36.400 --> 00:26:39.440
Yeah, I will say you can show up, but you don't have to show out.
00:26:39.599 --> 00:26:44.400
Meaning, if you want to be present for you know, some of their activities, be present.
00:26:44.480 --> 00:26:49.279
If you want to listen to them, if they've said they've had a bad day or a great day, that's great.
00:26:49.359 --> 00:26:55.200
But don't try to solve all of their issues, and that's when it'd be you start to overstep.
00:26:55.680 --> 00:26:58.720
Where now you try to almost be a part of the team.
00:26:59.039 --> 00:27:07.359
Or if something's going on in the school, you're overly involved, almost as if you're in that same club or you're in that same group.
00:27:07.599 --> 00:27:12.880
And we have to remember we're the we're the adult, we've already lived our teenage years.
00:27:13.039 --> 00:27:15.440
Um, what we did and survive them.
00:27:15.680 --> 00:27:17.359
Yeah, and survive them.
00:27:17.920 --> 00:27:21.200
But take a step back, give your kids some space.
00:27:21.519 --> 00:27:28.720
Because in actuality, if you smother them, that's going to really, really cause them problems.
00:27:28.880 --> 00:27:30.720
They could even get bullied because of that.
00:27:31.039 --> 00:27:31.440
Yeah.
00:27:32.000 --> 00:27:32.480
Yeah.
00:27:32.799 --> 00:27:38.960
Yeah, it's it's really hard because I think we again, let's going back to the high achieving too.
00:27:39.119 --> 00:27:46.559
I think when we are high achievers ourselves, we extend that need to achieve to our kids.
00:27:46.640 --> 00:27:51.279
And as parents, we see their successes as our successes.
00:27:51.440 --> 00:27:57.920
And so to feel like a high achieving parent, we need our kids to be high achieving.
00:27:58.240 --> 00:28:04.000
How do we distinguish between us and what our kids do?
00:28:04.160 --> 00:28:08.799
Especially what if our kids aren't go, go, go, go kids at the moment.
00:28:08.960 --> 00:28:14.799
They're not high achieving, straight A, doing everything kids, but we are.
00:28:14.960 --> 00:28:20.960
How do we negotiate that without feeling like I'm not pushing them hard enough?
00:28:21.279 --> 00:28:28.720
This is where I always tell people make sure you are you're running your own race and you're staying in your own lane.
00:28:28.960 --> 00:28:31.680
And I use the analogy, the track analogy.
00:28:32.000 --> 00:28:36.079
When you're running track, you know that everybody has their own block and their own lane.
00:28:36.400 --> 00:28:45.200
If you are looking over at someone else, you can easily trip, you can easily uh get off to a slow start.
00:28:45.759 --> 00:28:51.359
Nine times out of ten, you're not going to go super far by looking at everybody else.
00:28:51.599 --> 00:28:57.599
And even if you're running a relay, if you're looking at somebody else, you may miss the baton handoff.
00:28:57.839 --> 00:28:58.160
Yeah.
00:28:58.400 --> 00:29:04.960
So when you focus on everything that's on your plate and what's in front of you, you can feel good about that.
00:29:05.200 --> 00:29:13.920
But when you start to compare yourself and you're looking back, kind of reflecting on what you didn't do, now you're starting to get into the danger zone.
00:29:14.079 --> 00:29:19.039
So run your own race, stay in your own lane and be proud about it.
00:29:19.200 --> 00:29:25.039
You know, I always think about as an adult now, um, you know, I drive pretty slow.
00:29:25.119 --> 00:29:27.039
You know, I'm I'm in my own lane.
00:29:27.279 --> 00:29:36.480
When I was younger, I had more of a layup foot, but I understand that was then, this is now, and I'm very comfortable with that.
00:29:36.960 --> 00:29:37.599
Yeah.
00:29:37.920 --> 00:29:43.759
I think staying in your own lane, not just with other parents, but with your teen too, right?
00:29:44.000 --> 00:29:52.480
It's like letting them run their own race, and you can kind of cheer them on, but you're letting them do their thing as well, right?
00:29:52.880 --> 00:29:54.640
And being being okay with that.
00:29:54.799 --> 00:29:57.119
I mean, think about when we were younger.
00:29:57.279 --> 00:30:05.119
Uh, maybe our parents would say certain things to us about how we dressed or the music we listened to, and it just would upset us.
00:30:05.200 --> 00:30:07.599
And we would think, oh my gosh, these old timers.
00:30:07.839 --> 00:30:10.880
But now, you know, fast forward, we're these people.
00:30:11.039 --> 00:30:12.559
And we have to come back.
00:30:14.240 --> 00:30:20.160
But I know we have to remember that when we, you know, sometimes I'm like, oh my gosh, what are what what's the music now?
00:30:20.720 --> 00:30:23.920
And my wife would tease me, like, listen, you're you're so outdated.
00:30:24.000 --> 00:30:26.079
And I'm like, Yeah, you're right, you know.
00:30:26.400 --> 00:30:27.680
Yeah, yeah.
00:30:27.920 --> 00:30:31.759
I I mean, how many people had to Google Kendrick Lamar during the Super Bowl?
00:30:31.839 --> 00:30:32.960
You know, right, right.
00:30:33.119 --> 00:30:33.519
Seriously.
00:30:35.039 --> 00:30:36.880
My mom was like, What's going on?
00:30:37.039 --> 00:30:37.599
It was funny.
00:30:37.759 --> 00:30:48.160
But um, I think when we are very focused on what our teens are doing, we do lose focus on how we're showing up for them.
00:30:48.400 --> 00:30:54.160
And when we lose focus, it takes the away from all the things as parents, we're doing great things too.
00:30:54.319 --> 00:30:57.920
And sometimes we try to just only live through our kids.
00:30:58.240 --> 00:31:04.160
And remember, we have to live our own lives because we can model everything that we do helps them.
00:31:04.400 --> 00:31:15.839
When we're confident about what we're doing, our careers, our relationships, our own identity, even outside of being parents, it helps model that for our kids.
00:31:16.079 --> 00:31:27.359
Because they'll know that, okay, when I become an adult, I can still work, I can still have a spiritual life, I can still have a social life and be a good parent.
00:31:27.680 --> 00:31:36.480
Because what we can see sometimes is when people have kids and then their entire life is wrapped around the kid.
00:31:37.119 --> 00:31:38.400
The entire life.
00:31:38.559 --> 00:31:46.559
There's no more going out, there's no more having a social life, there's no more having a prayer club.
00:31:46.799 --> 00:31:54.880
Everything is only about that child, and that's detrimental to not only the parent, but the child as well.
00:31:55.039 --> 00:32:00.000
Because you're now modeling kid doesn't want you around all the time.
00:32:00.960 --> 00:32:04.720
And you end up with those, you know, you can have an enmeshed relationship.
00:32:04.960 --> 00:32:05.359
Yeah.
00:32:05.599 --> 00:32:05.920
Yeah.
00:32:06.079 --> 00:32:07.119
It becomes really hard.
00:32:07.279 --> 00:32:14.079
And I know, I mean, one of the things I love so much is my daughter will tell me all the time, I'm so proud of you, mom, for the stuff you do.
00:32:14.240 --> 00:32:25.759
And to see that, like we're we're both watching each other and cheering each other on as we're doing our own things rather than being enmeshed in each other's things, right?
00:32:26.000 --> 00:32:27.839
Which is super, super cool.
00:32:28.000 --> 00:32:32.000
And a lot of parents will say, Well, I don't have time to do other things.
00:32:32.160 --> 00:32:44.400
And I usually will tell them, let go of doing all the stuff for your teen and micromanaging them because they don't like it anyway, and take all that time and put it towards doing something fun yourself.
00:32:44.559 --> 00:32:47.519
You'll love it and your team will love it even more, right?
00:32:47.839 --> 00:32:49.519
And pick one thing.
00:32:49.759 --> 00:32:56.160
If you're a parent who doesn't have a lot of time, you don't feel like you have a lot of energy, you're spread too thin.
00:32:56.400 --> 00:32:57.279
Pick one thing.
00:32:57.440 --> 00:33:01.759
What hobby are you ignoring that you used to love doing?
00:33:02.000 --> 00:33:02.960
Is it dancing?
00:33:03.119 --> 00:33:04.160
Is it bowling?
00:33:04.400 --> 00:33:06.880
Is it reading where you're part of a book club?
00:33:07.039 --> 00:33:14.079
But do that and excel because then you can model for your teen that, you know, mom, dad, wow, they are pretty cool.
00:33:14.240 --> 00:33:17.440
They do have things going on outside of just me.
00:33:18.000 --> 00:33:19.039
Yeah, yeah.
00:33:19.279 --> 00:33:22.480
That makes you a lot more interesting to them for sure.
00:33:22.880 --> 00:33:33.119
And then they'll want to talk to you more because you've got something unique other than just their stuff to talk about, which kids don't like talking about their stuff with their parents, right?
00:33:33.519 --> 00:33:34.160
That gets hard.
00:33:34.319 --> 00:33:35.200
That gets really hard.
00:33:35.440 --> 00:33:37.839
Okay, one last question before we go.
00:33:38.160 --> 00:33:41.440
We have a teen who is constantly putting themselves down.
00:33:42.079 --> 00:33:46.640
Just always, I can't do this, I'm not good at this, this is bad.
00:33:47.200 --> 00:33:52.240
How do we, as parents how do we respond to that?
00:33:53.440 --> 00:34:10.000
First, before we start to just give them a lot of positive affirmations, I want us to build the connection more with that team because you want them to be able to really open up to you, not just trust you, but open up to you.
00:34:10.159 --> 00:34:11.760
You want to be that safe space.
00:34:11.920 --> 00:34:14.960
So I'll I'll share what I um the LOVE acronym.
00:34:15.360 --> 00:34:21.440
So if that teen is putting themselves down constantly, I want you to first listen.
00:34:21.679 --> 00:34:23.119
The L is for listen.
00:34:23.679 --> 00:34:29.920
Listen to what they're saying because there may be some uh just some disconnect in what they're saying.
00:34:30.000 --> 00:34:38.960
If they're saying they're not a good, you know, they're not good at sports, you can highlight all the the awards and trophies, but you can't do that first without listening.
00:34:40.400 --> 00:34:42.400
And then be objective.
00:34:43.360 --> 00:34:48.800
Don't put so much pressure on what they're saying, don't say it is bad or it's good.
00:34:48.880 --> 00:34:53.519
I want you to listen objectively, have a very neutral space.
00:34:54.480 --> 00:34:56.880
And then the V is for validate.
00:34:57.440 --> 00:35:02.320
That's where you validate their feelings, validate their thoughts if they're feeling that way.
00:35:02.400 --> 00:35:12.480
We're not trying to, as soon as they say something, um, take it away, like, oh, whatever they're saying doesn't make sense, or they're they're talking uh nonsense.
00:35:12.719 --> 00:35:15.760
No, validate that maybe they are having a hard day.
00:35:15.920 --> 00:35:20.159
Maybe right now at this stage they don't feel pretty or they don't feel handsome.
00:35:20.400 --> 00:35:21.599
Validate that.
00:35:21.920 --> 00:35:23.760
Do it with empathy.
00:35:24.480 --> 00:35:28.960
So listen objectively, validate with empathy.
00:35:29.519 --> 00:35:47.280
Once you do that, and now they're in a place where they can uh be a little bit more vulnerable, you can start to help point out some of the things that they are they're missing because they're probably putting a lot of pressure on themselves and thinking that they're not enough.
00:35:47.840 --> 00:35:48.480
Yeah.
00:35:49.440 --> 00:35:56.079
That is so key because a lot of parents will immediately respond with, what do you mean?
00:35:56.239 --> 00:35:57.119
Yes, you are.
00:35:57.360 --> 00:35:58.159
You can do that.
00:35:58.239 --> 00:36:05.840
Look at all the and completely, and I get it, they're trying to say, I'm giving you evidence that that is not true.
00:36:05.920 --> 00:36:18.320
But what we're doing is we're completely invalidating everything, which means the second we say everything, they go, Well, you have to say that because you're my parent, because we haven't spent time to understand them.
00:36:18.480 --> 00:36:24.159
We're just coming from this very surface, shallow, we are saying it because we're their parent, right?
00:36:24.559 --> 00:36:26.559
We don't understand them yet.
00:36:26.880 --> 00:36:34.880
So when we do that, and if our kid says, you just have to say that or roll their eyes at that, that is a great sign you need to go to love.
00:36:35.119 --> 00:36:35.519
Mm-hmm.
00:36:35.760 --> 00:36:36.480
Go to love.
00:36:36.719 --> 00:36:43.280
Because what we'll do if somebody tries to immediately combat what I say, I'll I'll be defensive.
00:36:43.360 --> 00:36:45.840
And I'm pushing, I'm trying to argue my point.
00:36:46.719 --> 00:36:54.400
You know, if I if you tell me, hey, Jason, um, I think that shirt is the best shirt I've ever seen, I'll say, Oh no, it's not.
00:36:54.480 --> 00:36:55.280
I've got other ones.
00:36:55.360 --> 00:36:59.119
So it will immediately get defensive because it's high achievers.
00:36:59.360 --> 00:37:02.880
Oftentimes we're not great at accepting compliments.
00:37:03.119 --> 00:37:05.599
Um, we point out some of our imperfections.
00:37:05.760 --> 00:37:10.719
So I'll, yes, listen objectively, validate them with empathy.
00:37:11.920 --> 00:37:14.079
I that brought up one more question.
00:37:14.159 --> 00:37:17.519
I know I said that was my last question, but it brought up one more question.
00:37:17.840 --> 00:37:31.039
Because the other thing that I see a lot is that people mistake humility as putting themselves down and saying anything positive about ourselves as being egotistical.
00:37:31.519 --> 00:37:48.400
So now we are taught that the proper way to talk about ourselves is putting ourselves down, which creates a very negative cycle about ourselves and to feel really uncomfortable and bad saying anything positive about ourselves.
00:37:48.880 --> 00:37:49.679
Dangerous.
00:37:50.079 --> 00:37:59.840
So, how do parents help build up their teens' ability to see the good in them without and they fear I'm gonna build a big head, right?
00:37:59.920 --> 00:38:06.719
We we don't fear building low confidence, we want to keep taking them down a notch because we fear putting building them up too much.
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How do we build them up enough?
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So, two things I would suggest.
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One is understand where is this coming from.
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So, for instance, and I want to start early.
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So if you hear your child saying something like, Oh, I keep messing up, or oh, I'm so bad, oh I'm I'm so stupid, what ask them what makes you say that.
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I want you to, and this is you could be a teenager or even earlier, ask them to explain how come you how did you get to that conclusion?
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Yeah, don't automatically say they're not.
00:38:38.639 --> 00:38:44.400
You'll get to that point, but I want you to help them walk through how did they derive to that point.
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Yeah.
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That's the first thing that I want us to do.
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Um, secondly, I want you to um ask your team to get in the habit of practicing saying good things about themselves.
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Almost like the the the our bio or the two-minute elevator speech or pitch.
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Sometimes we're not comfortable because we've never done it.
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Yeah.
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You know, we've never done it.
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We're so used to other people talking for us, other people bigging up our accomplishments.
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We haven't even taken the time out to say how great we are without feeling like we're bragging.
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No, you're just being honest.
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Yeah, I think that's really big.
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That is so key.
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The other thing I like to throw in there, instead of saying I'm proud of you, I say you must be so proud of yourself.
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Because making me proud is not her job.
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Making herself proud is what I want her to do.
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And so by reinforcing that, of course, you know, I can be like, I'm proud of you too, but her being proud of herself, I think is something where now I can feel good about what I'm doing.
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Right.
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It goes back to that saying, I want you to take care of you for me, and I'll take care of me for you.
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That's a good way to end right there, parents.
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That is beautiful.
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Love it, love it.
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Thank you for tuning in to the Peace and Prosperity Podcast.
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Until next time, protect your peace and keep showing up for yourself.