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Hello and welcome to Decoding Attachment Styles.
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Today I would like to talk about anxious attached persons not being as needy and clingy as we tend to think.
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However, there are some who are, and I want to talk about how we can tell which individuals are the needy, clingy ones that probably need to work on their healing a little more than those who are emotionally available and mature, and which ones are not, which are the ones that we can start to build a relationship with, and which are the ones that we could probably say, okay, this person's not yet ready to be in a relationship.
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And I know that there is often a lot of bashing on the avoidant attached person.
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Everyone believes that if an avoidant attached person says that they are not ready for this particular relationship or they cannot show up in this particular relationship as their partner expects, then it is the avoidant just being avoidant.
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However, there are some anxiously attached persons who will need to work on their childhood wounds, their attachment style, perhaps a little more than some would need to.
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And today I want to share the difference between the two.
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Now, this is going to be a podcast that's going to be very triggering for those who are what I'm going to just loosely label the emotionally immature, anxious, attached person.
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If you are triggered, then it means that there's something here that you're hearing, it resonates with you, and you don't like it.
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If you are being triggered, and you could still recognize yourself in this behavior, but you want to continue to listen, then I believe you're in the right place.
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You're in a place where you are ready for growth.
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You are ready for change, you're ready to take charge of your life.
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Make some changes that you see necessary so that you can show up as yourself without making yourself smaller in relationships and also appreciating where your partner or an ex might be coming from.
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Now we're going to start by talking about how both individuals handle being triggered.
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The emotionally immature, anxious attached person, when it comes to their triggers, they are going to start texting immediately or they're going to call repeatedly.
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Or needing to talk right now.
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It must be resolved right now.
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And what they're doing is they're making their anxiety everybody else's problem to solve.
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They can't sit with the discomfort for even an hour.
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They feel like everybody needs to step in and make them feel better.
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Now, an emotionally mature, anxious, attached person, they are going to feel that anxiousness.
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They are going to notice the urge to text 10 times.
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But the difference is they don't.
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They're going to call a friend, they're going to journal, they're going to go for a walk, they're going to do something other than calling or texting.
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What they generally do is they manage their feelings without making it the other person's problems.
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They're not waiting for someone to fix them.
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They sit with the anxiousness.
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They know it's there, but it doesn't, they don't let that anxiety control their behavior.
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Let's talk a little bit with about how these two different individuals or personalities respond when their partner needs space.
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The emotionally immature, anxious, attached person is going to ask, how long?
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When will you be back?
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Why do you need space?
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Or did I do something wrong?
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Then they're going to send multiple texts during the time of space.
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And this is because they cannot respect boundaries.
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And they make the space all about them.
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Oh, you're taking space from me because I did something, or you don't like something about me.
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Whereas sometimes people just need space to breathe because life is just overwhelming, not necessarily to relationship, but other things happening in their lives, work, family, friends, health.
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An emotionally mature, anxious, attached person is going to probably say something like, okay, when can we rec reconnect?
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They get a timeline and then they sit with the discomfort, but they don't reach out during the time agreed for space.
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It doesn't mean that they like it, but they do it anyway, even if they hate feeling this way, because they are able to respect boundaries.
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They know boundaries are necessary.
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Let's move on to how they view their anxiety.
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How do these two personalities view their anxiety?
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An emotionally immature, anxious attached person is probably going to say something like, I have an anxious attachment, so you need to constantly reassure me.
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It is your job to manage my anxiety.
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And they may not say that to their partner, but it is a belief that this is my anxious attachment and this is just how it makes me feel.
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So you need to show up and manage my anxiety.
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You need to reassure me so I'm not feeling uncomfortable.
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And what they're really doing there is they're using their anxious attachment as a weapon.
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They expect everyone to accommodate them and they take zero personal responsibility.
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I remember someone reaching out to me and saying, you know, my partner needs to go to therapy, they need to learn how to be in the relationship, they don't know how to show up for my needs.
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And I asked a question.
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I was like, okay, are you in therapy?
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Oh no, I don't need it.
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They need it.
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That there, just that one statement, would tell me that this is not an emotionally mature individual.
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It is someone who believes that this the sole reason that the relationship is not working is someone else not fixing themselves to accommodate their needs.
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They're not seeing that maybe if they go to therapy, maybe they will learn how to appreciate their partner and where their partner is at.
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And decide then do you want to stay in a relationship or not?
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And I want to remind you, I'm going to use this opportunity to remind you, that I'm not here to tell you what relationship you should be in and shouldn't be in.
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I'm here to help you see your reality, what you're dealing with.
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Collect all the information that you have in your reality, and then you decide is this fitting into the life that I envision for myself or not.
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But let's move on to how emotionally mature anxious attached persons view their anxiety.
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Their belief is I have an anxious attachment and I'm working on it, whether in therapy or by myself, but I'm working diligently on it to change patterns.
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They're thinking I might need reassurance sometimes, but I'm learning to self-soothe and self-regulate.
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They know it's their responsibility.
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They take ownership for their patterns and they don't make it everybody else's job to fix.
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How do these two individuals handle their partner being busy?
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Well, emotionally immature, anxious attached persons will spiral when they don't hear from their partner.
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If they haven't texted in three hours, they're going to spiral.
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If they're going to start feeling like their partner is losing interest or it's over, they create entire storylines in their heads.
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They imagine worst-case scenarios.
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They act on the anxiety by demanding attention from their partner right away.
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And here's what I've also noticed: when they don't get it from a partner, they reach out to their friends looking for validation.
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They reach out to anyone they know will validate what they're feeling.
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And they are the ones who love to hear, oh, this person's not showing up.
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Yes, they should be reaching out to you.
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Gosh, we've got to take into consideration what another human being must be dealing with.
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If they're in meetings, they don't have the time to respond to your high-text messages.
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Or are we meeting later this evening?
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There's a time and a place.
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An emotionally mature anxious attached person knows this.
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They are going to notice the anxiety.
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It's not that it disappears, but what they're going to think is, I'm feeling a little worried because they haven't texted, but they're at work.
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And this feeling of mine is going to pass.
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They talk themselves down their reality check with themselves and they check the reality, their anxiety.
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They don't act on every anxious thought.
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If they don't hear from their partner in three hours, they're not sending the message, hey, are you okay?
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They trust that the person that they're dating is also an adult who could take care of themselves.
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They don't have to mommy them.
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They're a partner and they note a difference, but they also feel that anxiety and manage it.
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How do these two personalities take accountability?
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An emotionally immature, anxious, attached person is going to think or say something like this.
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They'll probably say to their partner, they'll probably say to friends, I only act that way because you triggered me.
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If you don't pull away, I wouldn't have to chase.
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It is everybody else's fault.
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No ownership for their reaction.
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The emotionally mature anxious attached person is going to say something to this effect.
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I chase you because I was anxious, not because of what you did.
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That's my pattern, and I'm working on it.
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They see their behavior clearly.
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They know they shouldn't be doing this.
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They know it's not a healthy behavior to chase.
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They take responsibility even when the other person's behavior contributed.
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Yes, other people do things that triggers us, but we have responsibility to manage those triggers.
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Let's talk a little bit about how they choose partners.
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Emotionally immature, anxious attached persons.
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Well, they chase emotionally unavailable people over and over and over again with the belief that I can fix them.
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They just need to see how much I love them.
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They ignore secure attached people because they think they're boring.
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And this is because they're addicted to the chaos.
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They're addicted to people who make them feel like they have to prove themselves.
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An emotionally mature anxious attached person is going to say, at some point, sooner than later, this person is inconsistent and I'm feeling anxious constantly.
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And this is a sign that it's not right for me.
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This relationship is not right for me.
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They may walk away from unavailability even when it hurts.
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They're going to choose boring, which is considered to be a secure attached.
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I'm sorry, if you're secure attached, then this is what you're hearing.
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But yes, you don't, you're not inconsistent.
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If you're securely attached, you're not inconsistent, and that can come over as boring for someone who is used to proving themselves or chasing love.
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But the emotional mature anxious attached will choose what may seem boring even when it's not familiar to them because they want change.
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They know that they want to heal, they they recognize a pattern and they're choosing change.
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Now, how do these individuals, these personalities, how do they handle conflict?
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Well, an emotionally immature, anxiously attached person will say, we need to resolve this right away.
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And I can't sleep until I fix it.
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We have to talk about it today, right now, or as soon as possible.
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Meaning as soon as I think is possible, which is in five minutes.
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And that is because they cannot tolerate any tension, whatever conflict for them, it demands immediate resolution.
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And then they're going to make the other person responsible for their emotional regulation.
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So they want the other person to step in and make them feel good about this discomfort that they're going through.
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An emotionally mature, anxious, attached person is going to say, All right, I get it.
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It's a tense situation.
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I'd like to resolve this soon.
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Can we talk about it tomorrow?
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They are uncomfortable with unresolved tension or conflict, but they can sit with it.
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They don't force immediate solving of a problem just because they're anxious.
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For these individuals, time and place matters.
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Now, therapy language, that is a big thing right now.
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Everybody's using therapy language, and oh my goodness, am I having a hard time with it?
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Because in most cases, what I see is it's being used the wrong way.
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Everybody's a dismissive avoidant.
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If I don't want to talk about a situation, I'm a dismissive avoidant.
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No, secure attached people do the same thing time and place.
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Fearful, avoidant, attached people do the same thing time and place.
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If an anxious attached person, if their partner found out that they were cheating on them and that partner wants to talk about it, they will do the same thing.
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They will say, I don't want to talk about this.
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We don't want to talk about things when we don't feel ready enough to have that conversation.
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Yes, avoidantly attached people, dismissive and fearful avoidant, they may be afraid of confrontation, but that doesn't mean that secure, attached, and anxious attached people find it comfortable either.
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So the only reason I'm pointing that out is that we're using therapy language and labels in a way that's not always helpful in relationships.
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One, it might be misinterpreted, or the other is it might just be condescending.
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So emotionally immature, anxiously attached persons will say things like, You triggered my abandonment womb, so you have to reassure me constantly.
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Nobody wants to be in a relationship, a romantic relationship with someone who sounds like a therapist.
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They weaponize therapy language, and they use their trauma as an excuse to demand unlimited accommodation.
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I've been hurt in my past, so you just have to suck up whatever you're feeling and accommodate my needs.
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An emotionally mature, anxiously attached person is going to say, I'm feeling upset right now.
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I'm going to take some time to calm down.
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Can we check in later?
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That is human-to-human conversations.
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That's how we should be talking to our friends again.
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I know we're not, we're using therapy language with our friends as well, but we want to get back.
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I mean, think about kids.
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When kids are on a playground, they're not using this kind of language.
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Oh, you're triggering my wound from last week.
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No, you hurt my feelings.
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I'm upset.
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I'm angry.
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I'm happy.
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Right?
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Let's go back to being friends.
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Leave the therapy talk for the 45-minute session that you're going to have with your therapist or your coach.
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Bring back friendships to relationships.
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And really be clear about what how you're feeling.
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I'm feeling triggered really doesn't tell a person squat about you.
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Right?
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This is reminding me of a past experience, and I know it has nothing to do with you.
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That's more me saying that this is something about my past.
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I don't have to get specific about it.
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Abandonment wound?
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What does that mean to someone who, I mean, is everybody supposed to know what an abandonment wound is?
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Right?
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So let's be clear about our feelings so that the other person doesn't have to read between the line or go to, you know, get a degree in psychology.
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How do these individuals respond to feedback?
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Now, if you've made it this far in the podcast, it means that you were not so triggered that you decided to unfollow or unsubscribe.
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Good for you.
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I found that one of the things that I got from my years in journalism, this was before I decided to really get deep into psychology.
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My I had two editors.
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I had a weekend editor, and I had a midweek editor, and I was a reporter.
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I started off as a reporter in a television station.
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One, my Wednesday editor would take my stories and edit it, and the way he would edit, he would just use a writing pen and he'd scratch off what he didn't like, and then he would just hand it back to me.
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No explanation.
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I just had to go there and figure it out.
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And as time moved on, I figured out how to write a story just based on what he didn't approve of.
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The brain has a way of doing that, seeing patterns, recognizing patterns, and the human being will make changes because it wants to achieve a good result.
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The other editor would scrap my story, wouldn't even say which part was okay, which wasn't.
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He would scrap the entire story and he would toss it in a trash bin.
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And I'd have to sit there and figure out what went wrong.
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I'd go there, humbly pick up my paper from the trash, smooth it out, figure out what went wrong, came back, and they would do that repeatedly until I got the story right, and then the next day the same thing repeated.
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I've learned that harsh criticism, or what we would think of as harsh criticism, is the most honest way, or it's the kind of honesty that we need if we want to grow.
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I've had friends who never really called me out in relationships and when I was going through difficult relationships, the friends who said, No, it's not you, it's this person.
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Yeah, they're mean, they're not nice, it's not you, you're perfect, you're wonderful.
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And I never grew.
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It were they were, it was the friends who sat with me and said, you know, Annalise, you just keep rushing into these relationships thinking that this is the person, this is the one, and you don't give a time and you keep ending up in the same mess over and over.
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The ones who said, pretty much look in the mirror at what you are doing, how you're contributing.
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The friends who said, You're really intense.
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You need to keep a check on it.
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Those were the ones who helped me to sit and reflect on my actions and said, wait a second, I'm also contributing to this thing that's happening in my relationships.
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So thankfully, for most of my life, I've been always open to the harsher to criticism, the better it is for me because I could grow faster.
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But there are a lot of people who are not ready for that, and that is okay.
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If you're still here, it means that you know I'm not gonna molecoddle you.
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I I care about you, I want to see you grow, I want you to be as happy and as at peace as I am, and even more.
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And I'm using the strategies that have helped me.
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It's not because I don't care, it is because I deeply, deeply care.
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It's because I remember what it was like being an anxiously attached person, and I see what it's like to feel the way I do in a secure, attached person's body, and I want that for everyone.
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So if you're still here listening to the podcast and you didn't unsubscribe as yet, good for you.
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And thank you.
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Let's continue on how they deal, how these two personalities handle feedback.
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An emotionally immature, anxiously attached person is going to say, You think I'm too needy?
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You're just emotionally unavailable.
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There's nothing wrong with me.
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So what happens is they get defensive immediately.
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They can't hear any criticism, they can't tell the difference between what is an avoidant and what is having boundaries.
00:21:40.079 --> 00:21:49.440
I've had many of these people say, Oh, they're avoidant, but really what they were were people who were just holding up their boundaries.
00:21:50.799 --> 00:21:59.519
Securely attached persons are also labeled by the anxiously attached as avoidant because secure attached people.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:01.920
Can speak up and have boundaries too.
00:22:02.079 --> 00:22:04.079
They also need time and space.
00:22:04.240 --> 00:22:06.400
They also say, hey, I'm at work.
00:22:06.559 --> 00:22:09.920
I can't text back to you in the time that you want.
00:22:10.319 --> 00:22:16.240
I can't reach out to you 10 times during the day, or two, or even one, depending on the job that I'm doing.
00:22:16.480 --> 00:22:16.799
Okay.
00:22:17.519 --> 00:22:24.640
So this is how the emotionally mature, anxiously attached person will generally respond to feedback from their partner.
00:22:24.960 --> 00:22:30.400
An emotionally mature, anxiously attached person will say something like, Yeah, you're right, I've been texting a lot.
00:22:30.559 --> 00:22:34.160
I'm working on managing my anxiety better.
00:22:34.720 --> 00:22:44.160
What happens there is that they can hear feedback without falling apart, and they take it as information and not attack.
00:22:44.880 --> 00:23:06.240
Now, when Larry and I started dating, and this is a problem, I'm not saying that the anxious attach gets it easy when they're dating somebody who's fearful, avoidant, or avoidant attach, because the fearful avoidant or the avoidant attach, they don't really share what they're feeling until it gets to blow up season or session.
00:23:06.799 --> 00:23:19.839
So I used to message him occasionally during the day, you know, like if something came up or I had a question to ask, like, say, for example, tomorrow I've got a, we're we're doing something together and we have to make plans.
00:23:20.079 --> 00:23:35.119
So in my anxious attached state a few years ago, I would have reached out during the day, during his workday, and say, hey, let's talk later on about, you know, what exactly we're doing tomorrow, how we're moving around about this.
00:23:35.599 --> 00:23:40.319
Securely attached me now knows that he's at work, he's busy.
00:23:40.720 --> 00:23:44.000
And this conversation is going to happen later in the evening.
00:23:44.240 --> 00:23:50.000
I'll send him a message later in the evening and say, Hey, do you have a minute just to talk about plans for tomorrow?
00:23:50.319 --> 00:23:51.039
And that's that.
00:23:51.200 --> 00:23:57.359
I'm very clear what what I want to talk about because now I know a message that just says, Hey, can you talk?
00:23:57.519 --> 00:23:59.759
Suddenly the person's like, Oh, did I do something?
00:23:59.920 --> 00:24:01.119
Am I going to get in trouble?
00:24:01.440 --> 00:24:09.680
I think we've grown far from it, but just for the gist of, you know, a gist of what happens in relationships generally.
00:24:09.839 --> 00:24:11.680
Larry and I have been together for five years.
00:24:11.920 --> 00:24:17.599
We kind of know we've worked through these insecurity issues in our relationship.
00:24:18.799 --> 00:24:27.759
But what's what happens is now I know that there's certain things that you don't have to drop on your partner during the day.
00:24:28.079 --> 00:24:42.799
Now, I never knew that texting during the day was an issue for him because in past relationships, I've dated fearful avoidant who leaned more anxious, who would text and call throughout the day.
00:24:42.880 --> 00:24:44.640
And I thought that was the normal.
00:24:44.799 --> 00:24:57.519
Now I'm dating a new person who's it's not as normal or preferably not as normal, but he also doesn't know how to say, hey, I need some time during the day to just focus on work.
00:24:57.680 --> 00:25:07.680
And when you send me a message like this, I feel the pressure to respond right away, and it takes my mind away from work and disrupts my day.
00:25:08.160 --> 00:25:12.319
We had gotten into a TIFF and he brought that up.
00:25:12.559 --> 00:25:21.039
Okay, that was good information to have, and I didn't see it as an attack, it was more a, oh, yeah, that makes sense.
00:25:21.279 --> 00:25:22.880
Makes total sense.
00:25:23.200 --> 00:25:27.920
And from then on, never messaged him again during his work hours.
00:25:28.079 --> 00:25:31.759
And my my thing is if it's not an emergency, no need.
00:25:31.920 --> 00:25:33.119
And what's an emergency?
00:25:33.279 --> 00:25:35.359
A life-death situation.
00:25:36.000 --> 00:25:40.960
And if it's a life-death situation, then he's not the person to call.
00:25:41.039 --> 00:25:42.400
It's a 911 first.
00:25:42.880 --> 00:25:43.279
Right?
00:25:43.519 --> 00:25:53.359
So more times than not, we don't have to message a partner when we know that they are occupied with something else.
00:25:53.599 --> 00:26:02.480
It may not just be work, it may be something like out with their friends or with their children or a hobby that they're enjoying.
00:26:02.640 --> 00:26:05.279
But there isn't a reason to reach out.
00:26:05.599 --> 00:26:08.720
Most of the times there isn't a reason to reach out.
00:26:09.039 --> 00:26:10.720
A good enough reason.
00:26:10.960 --> 00:26:14.480
Now let's talk a little bit about how they handle breakups.
00:26:14.720 --> 00:26:20.079
The emotionally immature, anxiously attached person is going to text constantly.
00:26:20.720 --> 00:26:23.119
They're going to wonder, can we talk?
00:26:23.440 --> 00:26:25.279
Please just talk to me.
00:26:25.440 --> 00:26:26.720
I need closure.
00:26:26.960 --> 00:26:33.519
They stalk social media, they create fake accounts, they show up uninvited.
00:26:33.839 --> 00:26:36.720
It's very hard for them to let go.
00:26:37.599 --> 00:26:45.519
An emotionally mature, anxiously attached person, well, it's going to hurt like hell, like every breakup does for everyone.
00:26:46.079 --> 00:26:48.799
They want to reach out, but they won't.
00:26:49.119 --> 00:26:55.119
They're going to go to therapy, they're going to go to church, they're going to build a business, they're going to take trips, they're going to do everything.
00:26:55.279 --> 00:27:03.839
They're going to process, they're going to set aside time to process the breakup, but they're also going to be focused on moving forward, on living life.
00:27:04.160 --> 00:27:13.680
The grief is really, really real, but they manage their emotions, they control their behaviors.
00:27:14.960 --> 00:27:17.039
How do you talk about their exes?
00:27:17.839 --> 00:27:25.359
Emotionally immature, anxiously attached persons are going to immediately call their ex a narcissist.
00:27:26.240 --> 00:27:29.039
They were so emotionally unavailable.
00:27:29.200 --> 00:27:30.960
They triggered my trauma.
00:27:31.119 --> 00:27:33.440
Every ex becomes a villain.
00:27:33.839 --> 00:27:36.960
They never acknowledge their behavior.
00:27:37.119 --> 00:27:39.680
They're never aware of their own patterns.
00:27:39.920 --> 00:27:46.559
Or you may find that they swing from, yes, they were a narcissist, yes, they triggered my trauma.
00:27:46.799 --> 00:27:58.000
Oh, but maybe I did something, or maybe I could have made things better, or maybe if I'd only, but then they tend to move more towards what the partner, the ex-partner did.
00:27:58.720 --> 00:28:07.599
An emotionally mature, anxiously attached person is going to probably say something like, My ex was avoidant and I was anxious, and we were different.
00:28:07.839 --> 00:28:09.519
We triggered each other.
00:28:09.839 --> 00:28:12.480
I see my partner dynamic now.
00:28:13.279 --> 00:28:21.519
They see both sides and they take responsibility for choosing unavailable people and how they responded.
00:28:21.680 --> 00:28:26.319
They know that they had something to do with the relationship falling apart.
00:28:26.559 --> 00:28:34.480
Maybe they didn't cause all of the push and pull cycles there, but they know that they were staying in that relationship.
00:28:34.720 --> 00:28:39.119
What I'm saying is they generally don't take the victim route.
00:28:39.359 --> 00:28:41.680
It's like, okay, stuff happens.
00:28:41.839 --> 00:28:45.680
Yeah, I shouldn't have chosen this person, I should have seen the red flags.
00:28:46.079 --> 00:28:47.200
I stayed.
00:28:47.440 --> 00:28:49.119
I take responsibility for that.
00:28:49.279 --> 00:28:51.599
We were different, we're going our separate ways.
00:28:51.839 --> 00:28:54.160
And how do you know that they're growing?
00:28:54.720 --> 00:28:57.119
Or an indicator of the growth?
00:28:57.519 --> 00:29:06.640
The emotionally immature, anxiously attached person is going to repeat the same pattern year after year after year after year.
00:29:06.799 --> 00:29:10.000
They're gonna have different partners, but the same outcome.
00:29:10.160 --> 00:29:12.319
And oftentimes the same beginnings.
00:29:12.480 --> 00:29:19.279
Every time they meet someone, oh my gosh, this person is so different, they're perfect, they're amazing, we have so much in common.
00:29:19.519 --> 00:29:20.640
This is the one.
00:29:20.880 --> 00:29:24.319
And then three to four months after, I'm not sure.
00:29:24.480 --> 00:29:29.200
This person's pulling away, I have to chase, it feels uncomfortable, they're inconsistent.
00:29:29.440 --> 00:29:33.039
It's always about the other part person or what the other person's doing.
00:29:33.279 --> 00:29:36.480
And they make excuses for not going to therapy.
00:29:36.960 --> 00:29:48.720
They read everything online, all the about the topics and attachment styles, but they never change their patterns and they blame everyone else.
00:29:49.039 --> 00:29:56.240
An emotionally mature, anxiously attached person, you better bet, patterns are changing and they're changing fast.
00:29:57.039 --> 00:30:03.519
They catch themselves mid-spiral and they regulate their emotions.
00:30:04.400 --> 00:30:08.960
They try to get into therapy and they're actively in therapy.
00:30:09.200 --> 00:30:15.119
They take responsibility and they choose differently by changing their patterns.
00:30:15.279 --> 00:30:26.319
So they may even date someone who's got an avoidant attachment cell or a fearful avoidant, meaning dismissive or fearful, but they are learning in those relationships.
00:30:26.480 --> 00:30:29.279
They're going back and changing patterns.
00:30:29.920 --> 00:30:34.720
They don't write off anyone, just like a secure attached person wouldn't.
00:30:35.039 --> 00:30:38.480
But they are choosing to make changes.
00:30:39.599 --> 00:30:41.680
How do they view their anxiety?
00:30:41.839 --> 00:30:49.200
An emotionally immature, anxiously attached person is going to say, I have an anxious attachment, so you need to constantly reassure me.
00:30:50.559 --> 00:30:56.400
And the emotionally mature is saying, No, I've got this.
00:30:56.720 --> 00:31:00.319
I can take care of my own emotional needs.
00:31:01.519 --> 00:31:05.279
Now, again, I know this was a lot.
00:31:05.920 --> 00:31:34.400
I hope you were able to stay to the end of this podcast and see your patterns and see this entire episode as a chance for you to grow, to evolve, to become the more securely attached person that you know you ought to be, because you know that that's going to lead you to the relationships that will be fulfilling for you.
00:31:35.839 --> 00:31:37.680
Until the next episode.
00:31:38.000 --> 00:31:43.279
I'm your host, Annalisa Bahudder, and this has been Decoding Attachment Styles.
00:00:00.479 --> 00:00:04.000
Hello and welcome to Decoding Attachment Styles.
00:00:04.160 --> 00:00:12.000
Today I would like to talk about anxious attached persons not being as needy and clingy as we tend to think.
00:00:12.160 --> 00:00:41.520
However, there are some who are, and I want to talk about how we can tell which individuals are the needy, clingy ones that probably need to work on their healing a little more than those who are emotionally available and mature, and which ones are not, which are the ones that we can start to build a relationship with, and which are the ones that we could probably say, okay, this person's not yet ready to be in a relationship.
00:00:41.679 --> 00:00:47.039
And I know that there is often a lot of bashing on the avoidant attached person.
00:00:47.280 --> 00:01:02.719
Everyone believes that if an avoidant attached person says that they are not ready for this particular relationship or they cannot show up in this particular relationship as their partner expects, then it is the avoidant just being avoidant.
00:01:02.880 --> 00:01:17.359
However, there are some anxiously attached persons who will need to work on their childhood wounds, their attachment style, perhaps a little more than some would need to.
00:01:17.519 --> 00:01:20.799
And today I want to share the difference between the two.
00:01:21.040 --> 00:01:32.079
Now, this is going to be a podcast that's going to be very triggering for those who are what I'm going to just loosely label the emotionally immature, anxious, attached person.
00:01:32.319 --> 00:01:41.680
If you are triggered, then it means that there's something here that you're hearing, it resonates with you, and you don't like it.
00:01:42.319 --> 00:01:51.519
If you are being triggered, and you could still recognize yourself in this behavior, but you want to continue to listen, then I believe you're in the right place.
00:01:51.680 --> 00:01:54.079
You're in a place where you are ready for growth.
00:01:54.239 --> 00:01:58.400
You are ready for change, you're ready to take charge of your life.
00:01:58.640 --> 00:02:11.840
Make some changes that you see necessary so that you can show up as yourself without making yourself smaller in relationships and also appreciating where your partner or an ex might be coming from.
00:02:12.639 --> 00:02:21.840
Now we're going to start by talking about how both individuals handle being triggered.
00:02:22.479 --> 00:02:35.439
The emotionally immature, anxious attached person, when it comes to their triggers, they are going to start texting immediately or they're going to call repeatedly.
00:02:42.159 --> 00:02:45.199
Or needing to talk right now.
00:02:45.360 --> 00:02:46.960
It must be resolved right now.
00:02:47.039 --> 00:02:52.319
And what they're doing is they're making their anxiety everybody else's problem to solve.
00:02:52.560 --> 00:02:56.879
They can't sit with the discomfort for even an hour.
00:02:57.120 --> 00:03:01.919
They feel like everybody needs to step in and make them feel better.
00:03:02.159 --> 00:03:08.800
Now, an emotionally mature, anxious, attached person, they are going to feel that anxiousness.
00:03:09.120 --> 00:03:12.800
They are going to notice the urge to text 10 times.
00:03:12.960 --> 00:03:15.199
But the difference is they don't.
00:03:15.439 --> 00:03:24.000
They're going to call a friend, they're going to journal, they're going to go for a walk, they're going to do something other than calling or texting.
00:03:24.319 --> 00:03:29.439
What they generally do is they manage their feelings without making it the other person's problems.
00:03:29.599 --> 00:03:31.680
They're not waiting for someone to fix them.
00:03:31.919 --> 00:03:34.240
They sit with the anxiousness.
00:03:35.759 --> 00:03:42.479
They know it's there, but it doesn't, they don't let that anxiety control their behavior.
00:03:43.599 --> 00:03:53.599
Let's talk a little bit with about how these two different individuals or personalities respond when their partner needs space.
00:03:54.800 --> 00:04:00.719
The emotionally immature, anxious, attached person is going to ask, how long?
00:04:01.120 --> 00:04:02.560
When will you be back?
00:04:03.120 --> 00:04:04.960
Why do you need space?
00:04:05.680 --> 00:04:08.080
Or did I do something wrong?
00:04:08.560 --> 00:04:12.960
Then they're going to send multiple texts during the time of space.
00:04:13.919 --> 00:04:17.839
And this is because they cannot respect boundaries.
00:04:18.240 --> 00:04:21.120
And they make the space all about them.
00:04:21.680 --> 00:04:28.399
Oh, you're taking space from me because I did something, or you don't like something about me.
00:04:29.360 --> 00:04:44.160
Whereas sometimes people just need space to breathe because life is just overwhelming, not necessarily to relationship, but other things happening in their lives, work, family, friends, health.
00:04:44.720 --> 00:04:52.480
An emotionally mature, anxious, attached person is going to probably say something like, okay, when can we rec reconnect?
00:04:52.720 --> 00:05:00.399
They get a timeline and then they sit with the discomfort, but they don't reach out during the time agreed for space.
00:05:01.279 --> 00:05:11.920
It doesn't mean that they like it, but they do it anyway, even if they hate feeling this way, because they are able to respect boundaries.
00:05:12.800 --> 00:05:15.360
They know boundaries are necessary.
00:05:17.439 --> 00:05:21.040
Let's move on to how they view their anxiety.
00:05:21.199 --> 00:05:25.120
How do these two personalities view their anxiety?
00:05:25.439 --> 00:05:36.879
An emotionally immature, anxious attached person is probably going to say something like, I have an anxious attachment, so you need to constantly reassure me.
00:05:37.120 --> 00:05:39.600
It is your job to manage my anxiety.
00:05:39.680 --> 00:05:46.879
And they may not say that to their partner, but it is a belief that this is my anxious attachment and this is just how it makes me feel.
00:05:46.959 --> 00:05:50.000
So you need to show up and manage my anxiety.
00:05:50.160 --> 00:05:53.279
You need to reassure me so I'm not feeling uncomfortable.
00:05:53.439 --> 00:05:58.879
And what they're really doing there is they're using their anxious attachment as a weapon.
00:05:59.600 --> 00:06:06.639
They expect everyone to accommodate them and they take zero personal responsibility.
00:06:06.879 --> 00:06:16.800
I remember someone reaching out to me and saying, you know, my partner needs to go to therapy, they need to learn how to be in the relationship, they don't know how to show up for my needs.
00:06:17.040 --> 00:06:18.399
And I asked a question.
00:06:18.480 --> 00:06:20.800
I was like, okay, are you in therapy?
00:06:20.959 --> 00:06:22.399
Oh no, I don't need it.
00:06:22.560 --> 00:06:23.680
They need it.
00:06:24.079 --> 00:06:31.680
That there, just that one statement, would tell me that this is not an emotionally mature individual.
00:06:31.920 --> 00:06:43.920
It is someone who believes that this the sole reason that the relationship is not working is someone else not fixing themselves to accommodate their needs.
00:06:44.079 --> 00:06:51.680
They're not seeing that maybe if they go to therapy, maybe they will learn how to appreciate their partner and where their partner is at.
00:06:51.759 --> 00:06:54.959
And decide then do you want to stay in a relationship or not?
00:06:55.199 --> 00:07:02.879
And I want to remind you, I'm going to use this opportunity to remind you, that I'm not here to tell you what relationship you should be in and shouldn't be in.
00:07:03.279 --> 00:07:08.959
I'm here to help you see your reality, what you're dealing with.
00:07:09.279 --> 00:07:18.800
Collect all the information that you have in your reality, and then you decide is this fitting into the life that I envision for myself or not.
00:07:19.279 --> 00:07:25.279
But let's move on to how emotionally mature anxious attached persons view their anxiety.
00:07:25.920 --> 00:07:35.920
Their belief is I have an anxious attachment and I'm working on it, whether in therapy or by myself, but I'm working diligently on it to change patterns.
00:07:36.079 --> 00:07:41.360
They're thinking I might need reassurance sometimes, but I'm learning to self-soothe and self-regulate.
00:07:41.519 --> 00:07:43.360
They know it's their responsibility.
00:07:43.439 --> 00:07:50.079
They take ownership for their patterns and they don't make it everybody else's job to fix.
00:07:51.600 --> 00:07:56.800
How do these two individuals handle their partner being busy?
00:07:58.399 --> 00:08:05.120
Well, emotionally immature, anxious attached persons will spiral when they don't hear from their partner.
00:08:05.439 --> 00:08:09.199
If they haven't texted in three hours, they're going to spiral.
00:08:09.439 --> 00:08:19.199
If they're going to start feeling like their partner is losing interest or it's over, they create entire storylines in their heads.
00:08:19.519 --> 00:08:22.879
They imagine worst-case scenarios.
00:08:23.439 --> 00:08:29.680
They act on the anxiety by demanding attention from their partner right away.
00:08:29.759 --> 00:08:36.720
And here's what I've also noticed: when they don't get it from a partner, they reach out to their friends looking for validation.
00:08:36.879 --> 00:08:41.679
They reach out to anyone they know will validate what they're feeling.
00:08:41.840 --> 00:08:46.399
And they are the ones who love to hear, oh, this person's not showing up.
00:08:46.559 --> 00:08:48.480
Yes, they should be reaching out to you.
00:08:48.720 --> 00:08:53.360
Gosh, we've got to take into consideration what another human being must be dealing with.
00:08:53.440 --> 00:08:58.399
If they're in meetings, they don't have the time to respond to your high-text messages.
00:08:59.039 --> 00:09:01.519
Or are we meeting later this evening?
00:09:01.759 --> 00:09:03.440
There's a time and a place.
00:09:03.759 --> 00:09:07.120
An emotionally mature anxious attached person knows this.
00:09:07.279 --> 00:09:09.279
They are going to notice the anxiety.
00:09:09.440 --> 00:09:18.720
It's not that it disappears, but what they're going to think is, I'm feeling a little worried because they haven't texted, but they're at work.
00:09:19.120 --> 00:09:21.679
And this feeling of mine is going to pass.
00:09:21.840 --> 00:09:29.519
They talk themselves down their reality check with themselves and they check the reality, their anxiety.
00:09:29.759 --> 00:09:33.360
They don't act on every anxious thought.
00:09:33.679 --> 00:09:39.120
If they don't hear from their partner in three hours, they're not sending the message, hey, are you okay?
00:09:39.279 --> 00:09:43.600
They trust that the person that they're dating is also an adult who could take care of themselves.
00:09:43.759 --> 00:09:46.320
They don't have to mommy them.
00:09:46.480 --> 00:09:53.200
They're a partner and they note a difference, but they also feel that anxiety and manage it.
00:09:54.720 --> 00:09:59.919
How do these two personalities take accountability?
00:10:00.960 --> 00:10:08.159
An emotionally immature, anxious, attached person is going to think or say something like this.
00:10:08.240 --> 00:10:14.639
They'll probably say to their partner, they'll probably say to friends, I only act that way because you triggered me.
00:10:14.799 --> 00:10:18.399
If you don't pull away, I wouldn't have to chase.
00:10:18.720 --> 00:10:21.120
It is everybody else's fault.
00:10:21.440 --> 00:10:24.960
No ownership for their reaction.
00:10:25.440 --> 00:10:32.879
The emotionally mature anxious attached person is going to say something to this effect.
00:10:33.120 --> 00:10:36.960
I chase you because I was anxious, not because of what you did.
00:10:37.200 --> 00:10:40.000
That's my pattern, and I'm working on it.
00:10:40.240 --> 00:10:42.480
They see their behavior clearly.
00:10:42.720 --> 00:10:44.480
They know they shouldn't be doing this.
00:10:44.639 --> 00:10:47.279
They know it's not a healthy behavior to chase.
00:10:47.519 --> 00:10:53.039
They take responsibility even when the other person's behavior contributed.
00:10:53.200 --> 00:11:00.799
Yes, other people do things that triggers us, but we have responsibility to manage those triggers.
00:11:02.480 --> 00:11:05.360
Let's talk a little bit about how they choose partners.
00:11:06.159 --> 00:11:09.759
Emotionally immature, anxious attached persons.
00:11:10.480 --> 00:11:20.000
Well, they chase emotionally unavailable people over and over and over again with the belief that I can fix them.
00:11:20.320 --> 00:11:23.279
They just need to see how much I love them.
00:11:23.919 --> 00:11:28.960
They ignore secure attached people because they think they're boring.
00:11:29.279 --> 00:11:32.080
And this is because they're addicted to the chaos.
00:11:32.320 --> 00:11:38.240
They're addicted to people who make them feel like they have to prove themselves.
00:11:39.200 --> 00:11:50.559
An emotionally mature anxious attached person is going to say, at some point, sooner than later, this person is inconsistent and I'm feeling anxious constantly.
00:11:50.720 --> 00:11:53.600
And this is a sign that it's not right for me.
00:11:53.759 --> 00:11:56.240
This relationship is not right for me.
00:11:57.679 --> 00:12:02.720
They may walk away from unavailability even when it hurts.
00:12:03.120 --> 00:12:08.000
They're going to choose boring, which is considered to be a secure attached.
00:12:08.159 --> 00:12:10.720
I'm sorry, if you're secure attached, then this is what you're hearing.
00:12:10.799 --> 00:12:13.679
But yes, you don't, you're not inconsistent.
00:12:13.840 --> 00:12:23.200
If you're securely attached, you're not inconsistent, and that can come over as boring for someone who is used to proving themselves or chasing love.
00:12:24.240 --> 00:12:36.879
But the emotional mature anxious attached will choose what may seem boring even when it's not familiar to them because they want change.
00:12:37.039 --> 00:12:42.879
They know that they want to heal, they they recognize a pattern and they're choosing change.
00:12:44.159 --> 00:12:51.200
Now, how do these individuals, these personalities, how do they handle conflict?
00:12:51.519 --> 00:12:59.120
Well, an emotionally immature, anxiously attached person will say, we need to resolve this right away.
00:12:59.440 --> 00:13:01.600
And I can't sleep until I fix it.
00:13:01.759 --> 00:13:06.240
We have to talk about it today, right now, or as soon as possible.
00:13:06.480 --> 00:13:10.639
Meaning as soon as I think is possible, which is in five minutes.
00:13:11.120 --> 00:13:20.480
And that is because they cannot tolerate any tension, whatever conflict for them, it demands immediate resolution.
00:13:21.600 --> 00:13:26.639
And then they're going to make the other person responsible for their emotional regulation.
00:13:26.799 --> 00:13:33.919
So they want the other person to step in and make them feel good about this discomfort that they're going through.
00:13:34.240 --> 00:13:40.399
An emotionally mature, anxious, attached person is going to say, All right, I get it.
00:13:40.559 --> 00:13:41.919
It's a tense situation.
00:13:42.080 --> 00:13:43.759
I'd like to resolve this soon.
00:13:44.000 --> 00:13:46.080
Can we talk about it tomorrow?
00:13:46.480 --> 00:13:53.039
They are uncomfortable with unresolved tension or conflict, but they can sit with it.
00:13:53.440 --> 00:14:00.960
They don't force immediate solving of a problem just because they're anxious.
00:14:01.440 --> 00:14:05.440
For these individuals, time and place matters.
00:14:06.480 --> 00:14:09.840
Now, therapy language, that is a big thing right now.
00:14:10.000 --> 00:14:14.960
Everybody's using therapy language, and oh my goodness, am I having a hard time with it?
00:14:15.200 --> 00:14:20.240
Because in most cases, what I see is it's being used the wrong way.
00:14:20.480 --> 00:14:22.559
Everybody's a dismissive avoidant.
00:14:22.720 --> 00:14:26.399
If I don't want to talk about a situation, I'm a dismissive avoidant.
00:14:26.639 --> 00:14:30.240
No, secure attached people do the same thing time and place.
00:14:30.559 --> 00:14:34.240
Fearful, avoidant, attached people do the same thing time and place.
00:14:34.399 --> 00:14:42.159
If an anxious attached person, if their partner found out that they were cheating on them and that partner wants to talk about it, they will do the same thing.
00:14:42.320 --> 00:14:44.559
They will say, I don't want to talk about this.
00:14:44.799 --> 00:14:49.759
We don't want to talk about things when we don't feel ready enough to have that conversation.
00:14:50.240 --> 00:15:06.080
Yes, avoidantly attached people, dismissive and fearful avoidant, they may be afraid of confrontation, but that doesn't mean that secure, attached, and anxious attached people find it comfortable either.
00:15:06.320 --> 00:15:16.080
So the only reason I'm pointing that out is that we're using therapy language and labels in a way that's not always helpful in relationships.
00:15:16.320 --> 00:15:21.840
One, it might be misinterpreted, or the other is it might just be condescending.
00:15:22.080 --> 00:15:31.519
So emotionally immature, anxiously attached persons will say things like, You triggered my abandonment womb, so you have to reassure me constantly.
00:15:31.759 --> 00:15:37.360
Nobody wants to be in a relationship, a romantic relationship with someone who sounds like a therapist.
00:15:38.320 --> 00:15:46.799
They weaponize therapy language, and they use their trauma as an excuse to demand unlimited accommodation.
00:15:46.960 --> 00:15:54.000
I've been hurt in my past, so you just have to suck up whatever you're feeling and accommodate my needs.
00:15:54.320 --> 00:15:59.440
An emotionally mature, anxiously attached person is going to say, I'm feeling upset right now.
00:15:59.600 --> 00:16:01.840
I'm going to take some time to calm down.
00:16:02.159 --> 00:16:03.440
Can we check in later?
00:16:03.600 --> 00:16:05.919
That is human-to-human conversations.
00:16:06.080 --> 00:16:08.639
That's how we should be talking to our friends again.
00:16:08.720 --> 00:16:12.720
I know we're not, we're using therapy language with our friends as well, but we want to get back.
00:16:12.799 --> 00:16:14.000
I mean, think about kids.
00:16:14.240 --> 00:16:18.399
When kids are on a playground, they're not using this kind of language.
00:16:18.720 --> 00:16:22.559
Oh, you're triggering my wound from last week.
00:16:23.279 --> 00:16:24.960
No, you hurt my feelings.
00:16:25.039 --> 00:16:25.679
I'm upset.
00:16:25.840 --> 00:16:26.879
I'm angry.
00:16:27.120 --> 00:16:28.559
I'm happy.
00:16:28.960 --> 00:16:29.279
Right?
00:16:29.519 --> 00:16:31.919
Let's go back to being friends.
00:16:32.159 --> 00:16:38.480
Leave the therapy talk for the 45-minute session that you're going to have with your therapist or your coach.
00:16:38.720 --> 00:16:41.679
Bring back friendships to relationships.
00:16:43.440 --> 00:16:47.600
And really be clear about what how you're feeling.
00:16:47.840 --> 00:16:52.320
I'm feeling triggered really doesn't tell a person squat about you.
00:16:53.360 --> 00:16:53.759
Right?
00:16:53.919 --> 00:16:59.679
This is reminding me of a past experience, and I know it has nothing to do with you.
00:16:59.919 --> 00:17:03.039
That's more me saying that this is something about my past.
00:17:03.200 --> 00:17:05.359
I don't have to get specific about it.
00:17:06.400 --> 00:17:08.000
Abandonment wound?
00:17:08.160 --> 00:17:13.839
What does that mean to someone who, I mean, is everybody supposed to know what an abandonment wound is?
00:17:14.160 --> 00:17:14.480
Right?
00:17:14.559 --> 00:17:23.119
So let's be clear about our feelings so that the other person doesn't have to read between the line or go to, you know, get a degree in psychology.
00:17:25.680 --> 00:17:29.680
How do these individuals respond to feedback?
00:17:29.920 --> 00:17:36.640
Now, if you've made it this far in the podcast, it means that you were not so triggered that you decided to unfollow or unsubscribe.
00:17:36.880 --> 00:17:37.839
Good for you.
00:17:38.240 --> 00:17:47.759
I found that one of the things that I got from my years in journalism, this was before I decided to really get deep into psychology.
00:17:48.000 --> 00:17:49.839
My I had two editors.
00:17:50.079 --> 00:17:55.680
I had a weekend editor, and I had a midweek editor, and I was a reporter.
00:17:55.839 --> 00:17:58.799
I started off as a reporter in a television station.
00:17:59.119 --> 00:18:10.400
One, my Wednesday editor would take my stories and edit it, and the way he would edit, he would just use a writing pen and he'd scratch off what he didn't like, and then he would just hand it back to me.
00:18:10.559 --> 00:18:11.279
No explanation.
00:18:11.359 --> 00:18:12.960
I just had to go there and figure it out.
00:18:13.200 --> 00:18:19.440
And as time moved on, I figured out how to write a story just based on what he didn't approve of.
00:18:19.680 --> 00:18:28.559
The brain has a way of doing that, seeing patterns, recognizing patterns, and the human being will make changes because it wants to achieve a good result.
00:18:29.759 --> 00:18:35.920
The other editor would scrap my story, wouldn't even say which part was okay, which wasn't.
00:18:36.000 --> 00:18:41.119
He would scrap the entire story and he would toss it in a trash bin.
00:18:41.680 --> 00:18:44.319
And I'd have to sit there and figure out what went wrong.
00:18:44.480 --> 00:18:57.279
I'd go there, humbly pick up my paper from the trash, smooth it out, figure out what went wrong, came back, and they would do that repeatedly until I got the story right, and then the next day the same thing repeated.
00:18:57.440 --> 00:19:11.519
I've learned that harsh criticism, or what we would think of as harsh criticism, is the most honest way, or it's the kind of honesty that we need if we want to grow.
00:19:12.000 --> 00:19:23.759
I've had friends who never really called me out in relationships and when I was going through difficult relationships, the friends who said, No, it's not you, it's this person.
00:19:23.839 --> 00:19:27.599
Yeah, they're mean, they're not nice, it's not you, you're perfect, you're wonderful.
00:19:28.240 --> 00:19:29.599
And I never grew.
00:19:29.759 --> 00:19:45.680
It were they were, it was the friends who sat with me and said, you know, Annalise, you just keep rushing into these relationships thinking that this is the person, this is the one, and you don't give a time and you keep ending up in the same mess over and over.
00:19:46.160 --> 00:19:54.640
The ones who said, pretty much look in the mirror at what you are doing, how you're contributing.
00:19:54.880 --> 00:19:58.319
The friends who said, You're really intense.
00:19:58.480 --> 00:20:00.240
You need to keep a check on it.
00:20:00.400 --> 00:20:11.759
Those were the ones who helped me to sit and reflect on my actions and said, wait a second, I'm also contributing to this thing that's happening in my relationships.
00:20:12.640 --> 00:20:24.240
So thankfully, for most of my life, I've been always open to the harsher to criticism, the better it is for me because I could grow faster.
00:20:24.559 --> 00:20:28.880
But there are a lot of people who are not ready for that, and that is okay.
00:20:29.200 --> 00:20:34.319
If you're still here, it means that you know I'm not gonna molecoddle you.
00:20:34.559 --> 00:20:41.839
I I care about you, I want to see you grow, I want you to be as happy and as at peace as I am, and even more.
00:20:42.799 --> 00:20:46.480
And I'm using the strategies that have helped me.
00:20:46.640 --> 00:20:50.480
It's not because I don't care, it is because I deeply, deeply care.
00:20:50.559 --> 00:21:04.960
It's because I remember what it was like being an anxiously attached person, and I see what it's like to feel the way I do in a secure, attached person's body, and I want that for everyone.
00:21:05.200 --> 00:21:10.880
So if you're still here listening to the podcast and you didn't unsubscribe as yet, good for you.
00:21:11.039 --> 00:21:12.160
And thank you.
00:21:12.400 --> 00:21:18.640
Let's continue on how they deal, how these two personalities handle feedback.
00:21:19.039 --> 00:21:23.759
An emotionally immature, anxiously attached person is going to say, You think I'm too needy?
00:21:23.920 --> 00:21:26.079
You're just emotionally unavailable.
00:21:26.240 --> 00:21:27.680
There's nothing wrong with me.
00:21:27.920 --> 00:21:31.039
So what happens is they get defensive immediately.
00:21:31.279 --> 00:21:39.839
They can't hear any criticism, they can't tell the difference between what is an avoidant and what is having boundaries.
00:21:40.079 --> 00:21:49.440
I've had many of these people say, Oh, they're avoidant, but really what they were were people who were just holding up their boundaries.
00:21:50.799 --> 00:21:59.519
Securely attached persons are also labeled by the anxiously attached as avoidant because secure attached people.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:01.920
Can speak up and have boundaries too.
00:22:02.079 --> 00:22:04.079
They also need time and space.
00:22:04.240 --> 00:22:06.400
They also say, hey, I'm at work.
00:22:06.559 --> 00:22:09.920
I can't text back to you in the time that you want.
00:22:10.319 --> 00:22:16.240
I can't reach out to you 10 times during the day, or two, or even one, depending on the job that I'm doing.
00:22:16.480 --> 00:22:16.799
Okay.
00:22:17.519 --> 00:22:24.640
So this is how the emotionally mature, anxiously attached person will generally respond to feedback from their partner.
00:22:24.960 --> 00:22:30.400
An emotionally mature, anxiously attached person will say something like, Yeah, you're right, I've been texting a lot.
00:22:30.559 --> 00:22:34.160
I'm working on managing my anxiety better.
00:22:34.720 --> 00:22:44.160
What happens there is that they can hear feedback without falling apart, and they take it as information and not attack.
00:22:44.880 --> 00:23:06.240
Now, when Larry and I started dating, and this is a problem, I'm not saying that the anxious attach gets it easy when they're dating somebody who's fearful, avoidant, or avoidant attach, because the fearful avoidant or the avoidant attach, they don't really share what they're feeling until it gets to blow up season or session.
00:23:06.799 --> 00:23:19.839
So I used to message him occasionally during the day, you know, like if something came up or I had a question to ask, like, say, for example, tomorrow I've got a, we're we're doing something together and we have to make plans.
00:23:20.079 --> 00:23:35.119
So in my anxious attached state a few years ago, I would have reached out during the day, during his workday, and say, hey, let's talk later on about, you know, what exactly we're doing tomorrow, how we're moving around about this.
00:23:35.599 --> 00:23:40.319
Securely attached me now knows that he's at work, he's busy.
00:23:40.720 --> 00:23:44.000
And this conversation is going to happen later in the evening.
00:23:44.240 --> 00:23:50.000
I'll send him a message later in the evening and say, Hey, do you have a minute just to talk about plans for tomorrow?
00:23:50.319 --> 00:23:51.039
And that's that.
00:23:51.200 --> 00:23:57.359
I'm very clear what what I want to talk about because now I know a message that just says, Hey, can you talk?
00:23:57.519 --> 00:23:59.759
Suddenly the person's like, Oh, did I do something?
00:23:59.920 --> 00:24:01.119
Am I going to get in trouble?
00:24:01.440 --> 00:24:09.680
I think we've grown far from it, but just for the gist of, you know, a gist of what happens in relationships generally.
00:24:09.839 --> 00:24:11.680
Larry and I have been together for five years.
00:24:11.920 --> 00:24:17.599
We kind of know we've worked through these insecurity issues in our relationship.
00:24:18.799 --> 00:24:27.759
But what's what happens is now I know that there's certain things that you don't have to drop on your partner during the day.
00:24:28.079 --> 00:24:42.799
Now, I never knew that texting during the day was an issue for him because in past relationships, I've dated fearful avoidant who leaned more anxious, who would text and call throughout the day.
00:24:42.880 --> 00:24:44.640
And I thought that was the normal.
00:24:44.799 --> 00:24:57.519
Now I'm dating a new person who's it's not as normal or preferably not as normal, but he also doesn't know how to say, hey, I need some time during the day to just focus on work.
00:24:57.680 --> 00:25:07.680
And when you send me a message like this, I feel the pressure to respond right away, and it takes my mind away from work and disrupts my day.
00:25:08.160 --> 00:25:12.319
We had gotten into a TIFF and he brought that up.
00:25:12.559 --> 00:25:21.039
Okay, that was good information to have, and I didn't see it as an attack, it was more a, oh, yeah, that makes sense.
00:25:21.279 --> 00:25:22.880
Makes total sense.
00:25:23.200 --> 00:25:27.920
And from then on, never messaged him again during his work hours.
00:25:28.079 --> 00:25:31.759
And my my thing is if it's not an emergency, no need.
00:25:31.920 --> 00:25:33.119
And what's an emergency?
00:25:33.279 --> 00:25:35.359
A life-death situation.
00:25:36.000 --> 00:25:40.960
And if it's a life-death situation, then he's not the person to call.
00:25:41.039 --> 00:25:42.400
It's a 911 first.
00:25:42.880 --> 00:25:43.279
Right?
00:25:43.519 --> 00:25:53.359
So more times than not, we don't have to message a partner when we know that they are occupied with something else.
00:25:53.599 --> 00:26:02.480
It may not just be work, it may be something like out with their friends or with their children or a hobby that they're enjoying.
00:26:02.640 --> 00:26:05.279
But there isn't a reason to reach out.
00:26:05.599 --> 00:26:08.720
Most of the times there isn't a reason to reach out.
00:26:09.039 --> 00:26:10.720
A good enough reason.
00:26:10.960 --> 00:26:14.480
Now let's talk a little bit about how they handle breakups.
00:26:14.720 --> 00:26:20.079
The emotionally immature, anxiously attached person is going to text constantly.
00:26:20.720 --> 00:26:23.119
They're going to wonder, can we talk?
00:26:23.440 --> 00:26:25.279
Please just talk to me.
00:26:25.440 --> 00:26:26.720
I need closure.
00:26:26.960 --> 00:26:33.519
They stalk social media, they create fake accounts, they show up uninvited.
00:26:33.839 --> 00:26:36.720
It's very hard for them to let go.
00:26:37.599 --> 00:26:45.519
An emotionally mature, anxiously attached person, well, it's going to hurt like hell, like every breakup does for everyone.
00:26:46.079 --> 00:26:48.799
They want to reach out, but they won't.
00:26:49.119 --> 00:26:55.119
They're going to go to therapy, they're going to go to church, they're going to build a business, they're going to take trips, they're going to do everything.
00:26:55.279 --> 00:27:03.839
They're going to process, they're going to set aside time to process the breakup, but they're also going to be focused on moving forward, on living life.
00:27:04.160 --> 00:27:13.680
The grief is really, really real, but they manage their emotions, they control their behaviors.
00:27:14.960 --> 00:27:17.039
How do you talk about their exes?
00:27:17.839 --> 00:27:25.359
Emotionally immature, anxiously attached persons are going to immediately call their ex a narcissist.
00:27:26.240 --> 00:27:29.039
They were so emotionally unavailable.
00:27:29.200 --> 00:27:30.960
They triggered my trauma.
00:27:31.119 --> 00:27:33.440
Every ex becomes a villain.
00:27:33.839 --> 00:27:36.960
They never acknowledge their behavior.
00:27:37.119 --> 00:27:39.680
They're never aware of their own patterns.
00:27:39.920 --> 00:27:46.559
Or you may find that they swing from, yes, they were a narcissist, yes, they triggered my trauma.
00:27:46.799 --> 00:27:58.000
Oh, but maybe I did something, or maybe I could have made things better, or maybe if I'd only, but then they tend to move more towards what the partner, the ex-partner did.
00:27:58.720 --> 00:28:07.599
An emotionally mature, anxiously attached person is going to probably say something like, My ex was avoidant and I was anxious, and we were different.
00:28:07.839 --> 00:28:09.519
We triggered each other.
00:28:09.839 --> 00:28:12.480
I see my partner dynamic now.
00:28:13.279 --> 00:28:21.519
They see both sides and they take responsibility for choosing unavailable people and how they responded.
00:28:21.680 --> 00:28:26.319
They know that they had something to do with the relationship falling apart.
00:28:26.559 --> 00:28:34.480
Maybe they didn't cause all of the push and pull cycles there, but they know that they were staying in that relationship.
00:28:34.720 --> 00:28:39.119
What I'm saying is they generally don't take the victim route.
00:28:39.359 --> 00:28:41.680
It's like, okay, stuff happens.
00:28:41.839 --> 00:28:45.680
Yeah, I shouldn't have chosen this person, I should have seen the red flags.
00:28:46.079 --> 00:28:47.200
I stayed.
00:28:47.440 --> 00:28:49.119
I take responsibility for that.
00:28:49.279 --> 00:28:51.599
We were different, we're going our separate ways.
00:28:51.839 --> 00:28:54.160
And how do you know that they're growing?
00:28:54.720 --> 00:28:57.119
Or an indicator of the growth?
00:28:57.519 --> 00:29:06.640
The emotionally immature, anxiously attached person is going to repeat the same pattern year after year after year after year.
00:29:06.799 --> 00:29:10.000
They're gonna have different partners, but the same outcome.
00:29:10.160 --> 00:29:12.319
And oftentimes the same beginnings.
00:29:12.480 --> 00:29:19.279
Every time they meet someone, oh my gosh, this person is so different, they're perfect, they're amazing, we have so much in common.
00:29:19.519 --> 00:29:20.640
This is the one.
00:29:20.880 --> 00:29:24.319
And then three to four months after, I'm not sure.
00:29:24.480 --> 00:29:29.200
This person's pulling away, I have to chase, it feels uncomfortable, they're inconsistent.
00:29:29.440 --> 00:29:33.039
It's always about the other part person or what the other person's doing.
00:29:33.279 --> 00:29:36.480
And they make excuses for not going to therapy.
00:29:36.960 --> 00:29:48.720
They read everything online, all the about the topics and attachment styles, but they never change their patterns and they blame everyone else.
00:29:49.039 --> 00:29:56.240
An emotionally mature, anxiously attached person, you better bet, patterns are changing and they're changing fast.
00:29:57.039 --> 00:30:03.519
They catch themselves mid-spiral and they regulate their emotions.
00:30:04.400 --> 00:30:08.960
They try to get into therapy and they're actively in therapy.
00:30:09.200 --> 00:30:15.119
They take responsibility and they choose differently by changing their patterns.
00:30:15.279 --> 00:30:26.319
So they may even date someone who's got an avoidant attachment cell or a fearful avoidant, meaning dismissive or fearful, but they are learning in those relationships.
00:30:26.480 --> 00:30:29.279
They're going back and changing patterns.
00:30:29.920 --> 00:30:34.720
They don't write off anyone, just like a secure attached person wouldn't.
00:30:35.039 --> 00:30:38.480
But they are choosing to make changes.
00:30:39.599 --> 00:30:41.680
How do they view their anxiety?
00:30:41.839 --> 00:30:49.200
An emotionally immature, anxiously attached person is going to say, I have an anxious attachment, so you need to constantly reassure me.
00:30:50.559 --> 00:30:56.400
And the emotionally mature is saying, No, I've got this.
00:30:56.720 --> 00:31:00.319
I can take care of my own emotional needs.
00:31:01.519 --> 00:31:05.279
Now, again, I know this was a lot.
00:31:05.920 --> 00:31:34.400
I hope you were able to stay to the end of this podcast and see your patterns and see this entire episode as a chance for you to grow, to evolve, to become the more securely attached person that you know you ought to be, because you know that that's going to lead you to the relationships that will be fulfilling for you.
00:31:35.839 --> 00:31:37.680
Until the next episode.
00:31:38.000 --> 00:31:43.279
I'm your host, Annalisa Bahudder, and this has been Decoding Attachment Styles.
