WEBVTT
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Today I'm answering three questions I get asked constantly, and I pick these three on purpose because they build on each other.
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The first one is a controversial one.
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Can a fearful avoidant actually have a successful relationship without going to therapy?
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People want me to say no.
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I'm not going to say no, but I'm also not going to give you a comfortable answer.
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The second question is one almost everyone struggles with, and that is, how do I know if what I'm feeling is anxiety or if it's a real need that I should actually honor?
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Because those two things can feel identical in your body, and most of the internet can't tell you the difference.
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And the third one is very personal.
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And a lot of you have felt it.
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I feel abandoned every single time my partner goes off to a team dinner or out with friends.
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How do I get over this?
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We're going to take that one apart together because the real answer isn't what you think it is.
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So let's get into it.
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So, can a fearful avoidant actually have a successful relationship without going to therapy?
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I believe they can.
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That's a full stop.
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But, and this is the whole thing, they need to have actual tools and they need to be working on them.
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So the answer is yes, with the condition attached.
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And the condition is everything.
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Therapy isn't the only path to healing, but healing isn't optional.
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Those are two different statements, and people collapse them together, generally so.
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They hear you don't strictly need therapy, and they hear you don't need to do the work.
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That is not what I'm saying.
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What therapy provides is the best, best case scenario, three things.
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It's going to present to you awareness, regulation, and accountability.
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If a fearful avoidant can get those three things, build real tools around them and actually use them, they can absolutely have a successful relationship.
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See, the method matters less than whether those things are really happening.
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Now, when it comes to awareness, you have to catch your patterns while it's happening, not three days later.
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When it comes to regulation, you need a way to calm your nervous system when the intimacy starts to feel like danger instead of just acting on the urge to run away and hide or shut down.
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The accountability, you have to own your impact on your relationship and repair it, not to get defensive or explain it away.
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Those are the tools.
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And here's my position as a coach.
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I think the tools are a part of people that are, or these these tools are what people are desperate for, they're starving for and not getting.
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Which brings me to something I need to say because it's going to help some of you who feel stuck.
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Not all help is created equal.
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You want to find the right person.
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And it's like dating.
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The right person for healing is like finding the right person for dating.
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You have to ask the right questions, and you are allowed to be selective.
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Here's what I mean.
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Some therapists don't specialize in attachment at all.
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We think that we go to a therapist and that's going to fix our problems, but not all specialists, or not all therapists specialize in attachment theory or attachment styles or give tools for attachment healing.
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That's not to knock on them.
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Attachment is a specific thing.
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And a wonderful therapist for grief or anxiety might not be the right person or the right fit for attachment repair.
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So you get to ask, do you work with attachment?
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You get to ask a therapist, what's your approach?
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Some therapists are brilliant at insight and they'll be able to help you understand your childhood deeply, but they don't send you out with practical tools to use in the actual moment your partner walks out the door or to dinner.
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Insight without tools can leave you very self-aware and still completely stuck.
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So you want to ask, will I leave with things that I could actually practice or just things to understand?
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And I'll say one more thing, and I'll say it carefully.
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Be discerning about who you take guidance from in this space, especially online.
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Some people are positioning themselves as experts, but what they're really building is an audience to validate their own unhealed wounds.
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They're processing their past in public and calling it teaching.
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You can usually feel the difference.
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You'll know.
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Real guidance will give you tools and point you towards your own life, the other kind that will keep you hooked on them and their story.
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They only validate.
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So you have to ask yourself, is this person making me more capable or more dependent?
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So when I say fearful avoidance can heal without therapy, I don't mean skip help.
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I mean the goal isn't the label in therapy.
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The goal is actually getting awareness, regulation, and tools from somewhere competent.
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For some people, that would be a great attachment-informed therapist.
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And I've met a few of them.
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They're out there.
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They're few, but they're out there.
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And for some, it might be coaching, which is where I sit.
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Because my whole job is handing people practical tools to use in real time.
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For some, it's a combination, therapy and coaching.
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They're not rivals, they assist each other, they do different jobs.
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Therapy can go deep into the wound and the past.
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Coaching is helping you, giving you the tools for the present.
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My own partner has been in therapy for over 30 years.
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I've also been in therapy for about seven years.
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So I'm the last person to try to get you away from therapy.
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I'm telling you to be intentional.
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I'm asking you to be intentional about how you allow people into your life and who you let guide you.
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So instead of asking, can they heal without therapy?
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Ask, is healing actually happening?
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And here's what healing will look like.
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No matter what method you use, can they catch their pattern earlier than they used to?
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Can they sit for repairs faster?
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Is their partner feeling more safe over time and not less?
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And can they take ownership without being dragged into it?
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If those things are happening, the tools are working.
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If they're not, then I'm working on it on my own, is just a story to keep you hooked, a way to sound like they're changing while they're actually avoiding the discomfort of actually changing.
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And here's the hard truth that nobody really wants to hear.
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And this is happening unconsciously, underneath it all, for a fearful, avoidant attached person.
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I can handle this myself.
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I don't need help, can be avoiding discomfort.
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That is the avoidance.
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The very thing that would help is the thing that the pattern is telling you to avoid.
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So I'm not against you doing this without a therapist.
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I'm against anyone who uses I can do it without a therapist as a hiding place.
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So you want to get the tools, use the tools, and let your partner actually feel the difference.
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If you're doing that, the label on who help you really doesn't matter.
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If you're not, no one's credential in the world is going to save the relationship.
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And I mean, let's be honest.
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About my own life here for a second.
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Therapy has helped me to talk through some things, but I had to figure out what tools I can use to change my situation.
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I didn't get a lot of tools as I give to my clients.
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Setting boundaries, I figured out an easy way to make sense of that.
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And I created a tool that I now give to my clients.
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How to have priorities and set them without feeling guilt.
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Yeah, I learned that on my own.
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Sure, my therapist said it's important and encouraged me to set boundaries and to prioritize and all those good things, but I had to find the know-how.
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And now I give my clients the know-how.
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So my actual answer to can a fearful avoidant have a successful relationship without therapy is yes.
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No, no therapy means I found another real way to get the tools and I'm using them.
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Never if it means no work.
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The relationship doesn't need them to carry a label of being in therapy.
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It needs them to be healing with real tools in real time.
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Those aren't always the same things, but they're not opposites of each other either.
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Question two, how do I know if it's my anxiety or a real need?
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This is one of the most important questions in all of our attachment work because here's the problem: anxiety and the real need feel exactly the same way in your body, same tight chess, same urgency to fix the problem, same, I have to do something right now.
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So you can't tell them apart by how intense the feelings are.
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The intensity is not the information.
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A real need can feel quiet, and anxiety can feel like a massive alarm going off in your head, and you just can't control anything.
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So we need a better test than how strong is it.
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So, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna give you four ways to tell the difference because no single test is going to be perfect.
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And when you run a feeling through all four, you will usually get the truth pretty clearly.
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Test one.
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The source of anxiety is usually about the past.
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Wearing, you know, it's the past showing up today.
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It's your nervous system's pattern matching a current situation to an old wound.
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It's something that has happened in the past, and now you're feeling that pain all over again.
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There is a link.
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What you want to do is ask yourself, have I felt this exact feeling many times before in other relationships?
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Even in childhood, if this feeling has a long history that predates this person, that's a strong sign.
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It's anxiety, not a response to who they actually are.
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A real need tends to be about something else specific that's actually happening right now with this person in this situation.
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Test two, the evidence.
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Anxiety runs on an assumption and a story.
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He didn't text me back, so he's losing interest.
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That's a story.
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There's no evidence in it, just a feeling that looks like a fact.
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A real need is grounded in something that you can observe and a repeated behavior.
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He's canceled the last four plans we made and hasn't suggested rescheduling.
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That there is evidence.
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So ask if I had to argue this in front of a neutral person.
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Do I have actual behavior to point to, or do I just have a feeling and a story I built around it?
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Test three.
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And this one is huge.
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What does the feeling actually want?
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Anxiety wants relief.
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It wants the bad feeling to stop right now, and it'll take any quick hit, any dopamine for reassurance.
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That's why anxious reassurance, seeking validation, never fills you up.
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You're always going to want something more because relief isn't the same as a resolution.
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You get the I love you and everything's fine.
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And 20 minutes later, you need it again.
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A real need wants resolution.
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It wants something to actually change or be understood.
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And once that need is met, it stays met.
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So ask yourself: if I got reassurance right now, would I be settled tomorrow?
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Or would I need it again?
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And if it's a bottomless pit, that's anxiety.
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If meeting it once would actually resolve it, that's a real need.
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And here is test four.
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The tone.
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Anxiety is urgent and demanding.
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It's controlling.
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It says, right now, or something terrible is going to happen.
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Think of a child that is asking for a lollipop and the parent is saying, No, I can't give it to you right now.
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And child's like, no, I want it right now.
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I want it right now.
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If you have that feeling of urgency right now, and you're afraid that if you don't get this thing, you're not getting the lollipop, you're not going to be happy.
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Right?
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A real need can be stated calmly and can usually tolerate a wait.
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You can wait in it.
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This doesn't mean that real needs aren't important or can be endlessly deferred.
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It means that a real need doesn't feel so urgent that it needs to be sorted out now or everything collapse.
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If you don't act on it in the next four minutes, everything falls apart.
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So if you can wait, if you cannot sit with the feeling for even an hour without acting, without just checking in text, that urgency is the information you're looking for.
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And that is usually anxiety and not the need.
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Now, here is the nuance the internet usually skips, and I believe it's the most important part.
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It is not either or.
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Most of the times it's both.
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You can have anxiety and a real need tangled up in the same moment.
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The skill isn't picking a team, picking which one's right.
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The skill is to separate the two.
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So you can regulate anxiety and still honor your needs.
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Here's how that work in practice.
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What you want to do is first regulate.
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You get your nervous system out of the alarm phase because you cannot think clearly from that flooded state of emotions.
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Then once you're calm, you check in on what's left.
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If the need completely disappears the second you're calm, it was mostly anxiety.
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If there's something there after you've been regulated, a real quiet, yeah, this is still, this is still important, this still matters to me, that's your real need.
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And it deserves to be communicated and honored.
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But first you want to regulate, then evaluate, because that order matters.
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What survives the calm is the real need.
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Right?
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When you're calm, regulated, and you're still feeling something's off, that there is the need.
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Usually it comes from when we feel like you know our partner is inconsistent, there's some sort of unsafety there.
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They said they were going to do something, they're not doing it.
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We're expecting them, they're not showing up.
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You need consistency.
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Or if you're trying to share your feelings and they shut it down for whatever reason, you're not feeling heard or respected.
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Respect is a real need.
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But the whole test is in that one sentence, and that's the perfect bridge to the third question, because it's a real life example of exactly what I just said.
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The inconsistencies we feel that makes us feel insecure in relationships.
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Third question: I feel abandoned every time he goes to team or friends' dinners.
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How do I get over this?
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Okay, a lot of us feel this way.
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We've felt this way at some point or the other.
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You're probably going through it right now.
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Your partner goes off to a work dinner or out with his friends, and something in you just drops.
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It feels like abandonment, it feels like being left.
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And then on top of the hurt, there's a second layer, shame, because some part of you know he's allowed to go to dinner, and you feel ridiculous for being upset about something that is so normal.
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First, I want to take the shame off.
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Because you can't heal anything you're ashamed of.
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It's information, the shame is information that there just sometimes when you want to be gentle with yourself.
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Because that feeling makes complete sense.
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If you have an anxious attachment, your nervous system learned at some point that connection is unreliable, that people you love can become unavailable without warning.
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So when your partner leaves, even for something completely ordinary, your system reads it as a threat to your bond.
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That's not you being crazy or controlling, that's an old scary alarm doing exactly what it was built to do.
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But, and this is the most loving part I can give.
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Understanding why you feel it doesn't mean you get to hand that feeling to him to manage.
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He shouldn't have to give up team dinners and friendships so that your past alarm system doesn't go off.
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That would shrink his life to manage your anxiety.
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And a relationship where one person disappears socially to keep the other one regulated is not actually secure.
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It's not healthy.
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It is just something that looks calm on the surface.
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Beneath it all, there's going to be a resentment being built up.
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So let's run this through a test.
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Just a few questions that you can ask yourself.
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Ask yourself is this feeling old?
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Almost certainly it is.
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The left behind feeling usually came a long time before this partner, and by decades.
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That points to anxiety.
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Evidence.
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You're looking for evidence.
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Has he actually abandoned you?
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Does he go out to dinners and then disappear on you for days, go cold, become unreachable?
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Or does he go have his dinner and then come home to you like he always does?
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If it's the second one, there is no evidence of abandonment.
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There's a story of abandonment that your nervous system is telling on top of the completely safe event.
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The goal is do you want him to not go?
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Do you want relief or do you actually want something specific that would resolve it?
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Is it a panicked don't leave me?
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Or could it become something you calmly request?
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Run through those two questions honestly.
00:23:09.759 --> 00:23:19.519
And for most people, most of the time, this one lands mostly on the anxiety side.
00:23:20.480 --> 00:23:24.559
So how do you actually get through it?
00:23:25.599 --> 00:23:28.880
And not just push through, white knuckle it.
00:23:30.240 --> 00:23:34.319
Let me give you a few real steps.
00:23:34.720 --> 00:23:37.440
Before he goes, name it to yourself.
00:23:37.680 --> 00:23:45.359
You can say internally or out loud, I'm noticing the abandoned feeling.
00:23:45.839 --> 00:23:47.359
This is from my past.
00:23:47.519 --> 00:23:50.880
It is not evidence that anything is wrong.
00:23:51.119 --> 00:23:58.160
When you name it, it creates tiny gaps between you and the feeling and a gap in your choice.
00:23:58.400 --> 00:24:01.599
You get to now choose how you're going to approach this.
00:24:02.480 --> 00:24:06.000
Then make an actual plan for your own evening.
00:24:06.160 --> 00:24:16.319
The goal is to have your own life, that something that lights you up, makes you happy when he's out, not to sit there waiting and watching the clock.
00:24:16.480 --> 00:24:25.599
Anxious attachment gets so much worse in that empty, waiting, sitting around posture.
00:24:26.319 --> 00:24:37.519
During regulation, regulate your body, breathe, take a walk, do some movement, call a friend, get into something that is absorbing.
00:24:38.079 --> 00:24:39.759
And here's the discipline part.
00:24:39.839 --> 00:24:41.599
And this is not easy.
00:24:41.920 --> 00:24:45.920
Don't text him to check the temperature of the bond.
00:24:46.160 --> 00:24:47.119
People do that.
00:24:47.279 --> 00:24:48.400
I'm just checking in.
00:24:48.559 --> 00:24:49.519
How are you doing?
00:24:49.680 --> 00:24:52.880
And when they get a response, ooh, this is nice and warm.
00:24:53.119 --> 00:24:55.680
When they don't get a response, ooh, this is cold.
00:24:55.759 --> 00:24:56.880
I don't like it.
00:24:59.759 --> 00:25:03.200
The have fun text, that's warm.
00:25:04.640 --> 00:25:10.720
Seven check-ins is your anxiety trying to get some sort of relief.
00:25:10.960 --> 00:25:21.359
But the best thing to do is appreciate that your partner is out there enjoying their time so they could come back to you all refreshed.
00:25:23.599 --> 00:25:26.000
Let him have his night.
00:25:26.400 --> 00:25:26.799
Right?
00:25:27.039 --> 00:25:33.839
After you notice that most important piece of the evidence will probably never be collected.
00:25:33.920 --> 00:25:38.240
You'll see that he comes back every single time he goes out and comes home.
00:25:38.480 --> 00:25:43.119
You are gathering proof that contradicts this old story.
00:25:43.359 --> 00:25:55.279
And that's how the nervous system actually relearns safety through repeated, lived experiences that's evidence, not through reassurance.
00:25:55.680 --> 00:26:06.480
Now I told you it's more than likely anxiety, but let's honor the part of you that this might actually be a real need because it's almost never zero, right?
00:26:06.799 --> 00:26:11.119
Maybe the real need isn't underneath don't go.
00:26:11.359 --> 00:26:14.400
Maybe it's a connection before and after.
00:26:14.640 --> 00:26:24.160
So to be totally fair, securely stated requests sounds like I love that you have your friends and your work dinners.
00:26:24.559 --> 00:26:26.559
I love that you enjoy them.
00:26:27.200 --> 00:26:34.400
Something that would really help me is a hug before you leave and a little reconnection when you get home.
00:26:34.720 --> 00:26:35.839
Can we do that?
00:26:36.160 --> 00:26:38.000
And notice what that does.
00:26:38.240 --> 00:26:43.839
It doesn't restrict him so suddenly he's not getting all defensive and feeling suffocated.
00:26:44.079 --> 00:26:46.720
It doesn't make his dinner the problem.
00:26:46.880 --> 00:26:51.680
He doesn't feel like I'm doing something wrong and you're going to be upset and you're going to leave him.
00:26:51.920 --> 00:26:57.359
It asks for connection instead of demanding that he does not go.
00:26:57.519 --> 00:26:58.720
You're asking for something.
00:26:58.799 --> 00:27:01.519
You're saying, Yeah, sure, go ahead.
00:27:01.839 --> 00:27:03.920
But can you also do this for me?
00:27:04.319 --> 00:27:05.920
And that's the real need.
00:27:06.319 --> 00:27:17.119
And it cleanly separates the feeling of being abandoned and now asking for connection.
00:27:17.680 --> 00:27:22.640
So the answer to how do I get over this is not by him staying home.
00:27:22.960 --> 00:27:29.920
You get over it by regulating an old pattern, an old feeling, an old behavior.
00:27:30.240 --> 00:27:56.480
And that you do by building your own life, asking for connection around everything that's going on instead of restriction and letting his consistent return to you slowly teach your nervous system that this time leaving and abandonment are not the same thing.
00:27:56.720 --> 00:27:57.680
And that's the work.
00:27:57.759 --> 00:28:00.079
That's the work that we have to do on ourselves.
00:28:00.319 --> 00:28:02.160
And it is so worth it.
00:28:02.400 --> 00:28:06.240
I've been through this, I know how worth it this is.
00:28:06.480 --> 00:28:07.680
It's something that I've done.
00:28:07.839 --> 00:28:14.559
I used to be afraid too that if my partner didn't respond, then he was going to be gone or whatever was going on there.
00:28:14.720 --> 00:28:19.200
And then I started to just look at his patterns and my body started to trust it.
00:28:19.359 --> 00:28:26.480
And now it's like I could text him, and if he doesn't respond all day or ever, I just know he forgot.
00:28:26.640 --> 00:28:29.359
He probably saw it and forgot.
00:28:29.759 --> 00:28:32.400
And that's the work that you do on yourself.
00:28:32.880 --> 00:28:51.200
Because having a healthy relationship, being able to love someone without having to control the narrative, just to sit back and relax and enjoy a happy, healthy relationship.
00:28:51.279 --> 00:28:58.640
It is so, so worth healing our anxious attachment and our avoidant attachment style.
00:28:58.880 --> 00:29:06.160
So let's put these three together because they're really pretty much the same thing, just they sound differently.
00:29:06.400 --> 00:29:16.799
Question one, an avoidant can heal without therapy, but only if real healing is actually happening with real tools and used in real time.
00:29:17.359 --> 00:29:21.839
Not if no therapy is just a polite way of saying no work.
00:29:22.160 --> 00:29:27.119
Question two, anxiety and real needs can feel identical.
00:29:27.279 --> 00:29:31.519
So you regulate first and then see what happens after you're calm.
00:29:31.759 --> 00:29:34.319
What is left is going to be the real need.
00:29:34.480 --> 00:29:38.960
If it's I still need to connect with my partner, that's the real need.
00:29:39.039 --> 00:29:40.559
But wait until you're calm.
00:29:40.799 --> 00:29:58.799
And question three is just the same skills applied to Tuesday night when he goes out with his friends or to dinner, and your nervous system is on high alert, you wait until you are calm and regulated and ask, Do I still feel unsafe?
00:29:59.039 --> 00:30:10.319
And again, remember when your partner is leaving and you feel like you're being abandoned, it takes time to see that they keep showing up for you and you don't have to be concerned.
00:30:10.400 --> 00:30:12.160
And that's when safety is built.
00:30:12.240 --> 00:30:13.839
But this takes time.
00:30:14.559 --> 00:30:19.359
I'm Annalisa Bahadur, and this is Decoding Attachment Style.
00:30:19.519 --> 00:30:20.400
Until next time.
00:00:02.399 --> 00:00:10.000
Today I'm answering three questions I get asked constantly, and I pick these three on purpose because they build on each other.
00:00:10.160 --> 00:00:12.160
The first one is a controversial one.
00:00:12.400 --> 00:00:17.519
Can a fearful avoidant actually have a successful relationship without going to therapy?
00:00:17.679 --> 00:00:19.280
People want me to say no.
00:00:19.519 --> 00:00:24.719
I'm not going to say no, but I'm also not going to give you a comfortable answer.
00:00:25.039 --> 00:00:35.439
The second question is one almost everyone struggles with, and that is, how do I know if what I'm feeling is anxiety or if it's a real need that I should actually honor?
00:00:35.920 --> 00:00:44.320
Because those two things can feel identical in your body, and most of the internet can't tell you the difference.
00:00:44.560 --> 00:00:48.719
And the third one is very personal.
00:00:48.960 --> 00:00:50.960
And a lot of you have felt it.
00:00:51.280 --> 00:00:57.280
I feel abandoned every single time my partner goes off to a team dinner or out with friends.
00:00:57.439 --> 00:00:58.880
How do I get over this?
00:00:59.119 --> 00:01:05.359
We're going to take that one apart together because the real answer isn't what you think it is.
00:01:05.840 --> 00:01:07.120
So let's get into it.
00:01:07.280 --> 00:01:12.719
So, can a fearful avoidant actually have a successful relationship without going to therapy?
00:01:12.959 --> 00:01:14.319
I believe they can.
00:01:14.480 --> 00:01:15.680
That's a full stop.
00:01:15.840 --> 00:01:22.560
But, and this is the whole thing, they need to have actual tools and they need to be working on them.
00:01:22.719 --> 00:01:26.159
So the answer is yes, with the condition attached.
00:01:26.239 --> 00:01:28.560
And the condition is everything.
00:01:28.799 --> 00:01:34.719
Therapy isn't the only path to healing, but healing isn't optional.
00:01:35.120 --> 00:01:40.959
Those are two different statements, and people collapse them together, generally so.
00:01:41.280 --> 00:01:48.640
They hear you don't strictly need therapy, and they hear you don't need to do the work.
00:01:48.879 --> 00:01:50.480
That is not what I'm saying.
00:01:50.719 --> 00:01:57.760
What therapy provides is the best, best case scenario, three things.
00:01:57.840 --> 00:02:04.000
It's going to present to you awareness, regulation, and accountability.
00:02:04.319 --> 00:02:14.719
If a fearful avoidant can get those three things, build real tools around them and actually use them, they can absolutely have a successful relationship.
00:02:15.199 --> 00:02:22.080
See, the method matters less than whether those things are really happening.
00:02:22.639 --> 00:02:30.479
Now, when it comes to awareness, you have to catch your patterns while it's happening, not three days later.
00:02:30.719 --> 00:02:46.000
When it comes to regulation, you need a way to calm your nervous system when the intimacy starts to feel like danger instead of just acting on the urge to run away and hide or shut down.
00:02:46.639 --> 00:02:59.199
The accountability, you have to own your impact on your relationship and repair it, not to get defensive or explain it away.
00:02:59.840 --> 00:03:01.840
Those are the tools.
00:03:02.240 --> 00:03:07.360
And here's my position as a coach.
00:03:07.680 --> 00:03:22.560
I think the tools are a part of people that are, or these these tools are what people are desperate for, they're starving for and not getting.
00:03:23.360 --> 00:03:31.199
Which brings me to something I need to say because it's going to help some of you who feel stuck.
00:03:32.159 --> 00:03:34.639
Not all help is created equal.
00:03:34.800 --> 00:03:36.719
You want to find the right person.
00:03:37.039 --> 00:03:39.199
And it's like dating.
00:03:39.520 --> 00:03:45.280
The right person for healing is like finding the right person for dating.
00:03:45.439 --> 00:03:50.400
You have to ask the right questions, and you are allowed to be selective.
00:03:50.560 --> 00:03:52.080
Here's what I mean.
00:03:52.560 --> 00:03:55.919
Some therapists don't specialize in attachment at all.
00:03:56.159 --> 00:04:08.960
We think that we go to a therapist and that's going to fix our problems, but not all specialists, or not all therapists specialize in attachment theory or attachment styles or give tools for attachment healing.
00:04:09.199 --> 00:04:11.280
That's not to knock on them.
00:04:11.520 --> 00:04:14.240
Attachment is a specific thing.
00:04:14.479 --> 00:04:23.839
And a wonderful therapist for grief or anxiety might not be the right person or the right fit for attachment repair.
00:04:24.480 --> 00:04:27.600
So you get to ask, do you work with attachment?
00:04:27.680 --> 00:04:30.879
You get to ask a therapist, what's your approach?
00:04:31.120 --> 00:04:47.360
Some therapists are brilliant at insight and they'll be able to help you understand your childhood deeply, but they don't send you out with practical tools to use in the actual moment your partner walks out the door or to dinner.
00:04:47.920 --> 00:04:54.399
Insight without tools can leave you very self-aware and still completely stuck.
00:04:54.720 --> 00:05:01.600
So you want to ask, will I leave with things that I could actually practice or just things to understand?
00:05:02.879 --> 00:05:07.120
And I'll say one more thing, and I'll say it carefully.
00:05:07.519 --> 00:05:13.920
Be discerning about who you take guidance from in this space, especially online.
00:05:14.560 --> 00:05:24.959
Some people are positioning themselves as experts, but what they're really building is an audience to validate their own unhealed wounds.
00:05:25.120 --> 00:05:29.600
They're processing their past in public and calling it teaching.
00:05:29.920 --> 00:05:32.399
You can usually feel the difference.
00:05:32.560 --> 00:05:33.199
You'll know.
00:05:33.439 --> 00:05:43.920
Real guidance will give you tools and point you towards your own life, the other kind that will keep you hooked on them and their story.
00:05:44.000 --> 00:05:45.199
They only validate.
00:05:45.360 --> 00:05:51.439
So you have to ask yourself, is this person making me more capable or more dependent?
00:05:51.920 --> 00:05:57.759
So when I say fearful avoidance can heal without therapy, I don't mean skip help.
00:05:57.920 --> 00:06:01.600
I mean the goal isn't the label in therapy.
00:06:01.839 --> 00:06:09.120
The goal is actually getting awareness, regulation, and tools from somewhere competent.
00:06:09.439 --> 00:06:14.639
For some people, that would be a great attachment-informed therapist.
00:06:14.800 --> 00:06:16.240
And I've met a few of them.
00:06:16.319 --> 00:06:17.360
They're out there.
00:06:17.680 --> 00:06:19.839
They're few, but they're out there.
00:06:20.079 --> 00:06:25.600
And for some, it might be coaching, which is where I sit.
00:06:26.399 --> 00:06:35.360
Because my whole job is handing people practical tools to use in real time.
00:06:36.319 --> 00:06:40.959
For some, it's a combination, therapy and coaching.
00:06:41.040 --> 00:06:45.759
They're not rivals, they assist each other, they do different jobs.
00:06:46.000 --> 00:06:50.720
Therapy can go deep into the wound and the past.
00:06:51.120 --> 00:06:56.560
Coaching is helping you, giving you the tools for the present.
00:06:57.839 --> 00:07:02.720
My own partner has been in therapy for over 30 years.
00:07:02.959 --> 00:07:07.360
I've also been in therapy for about seven years.
00:07:07.839 --> 00:07:13.839
So I'm the last person to try to get you away from therapy.
00:07:14.000 --> 00:07:15.759
I'm telling you to be intentional.
00:07:15.839 --> 00:07:23.920
I'm asking you to be intentional about how you allow people into your life and who you let guide you.
00:07:24.319 --> 00:07:27.600
So instead of asking, can they heal without therapy?
00:07:27.759 --> 00:07:30.480
Ask, is healing actually happening?
00:07:30.639 --> 00:07:33.360
And here's what healing will look like.
00:07:34.240 --> 00:07:43.680
No matter what method you use, can they catch their pattern earlier than they used to?
00:07:44.079 --> 00:07:47.839
Can they sit for repairs faster?
00:07:48.720 --> 00:07:53.600
Is their partner feeling more safe over time and not less?
00:07:54.160 --> 00:08:00.480
And can they take ownership without being dragged into it?
00:08:01.759 --> 00:08:05.360
If those things are happening, the tools are working.
00:08:05.519 --> 00:08:21.600
If they're not, then I'm working on it on my own, is just a story to keep you hooked, a way to sound like they're changing while they're actually avoiding the discomfort of actually changing.
00:08:21.759 --> 00:08:25.920
And here's the hard truth that nobody really wants to hear.
00:08:26.160 --> 00:08:33.120
And this is happening unconsciously, underneath it all, for a fearful, avoidant attached person.
00:08:33.360 --> 00:08:35.519
I can handle this myself.
00:08:35.840 --> 00:08:41.200
I don't need help, can be avoiding discomfort.
00:08:41.360 --> 00:08:42.720
That is the avoidance.
00:08:42.879 --> 00:08:48.559
The very thing that would help is the thing that the pattern is telling you to avoid.
00:08:48.799 --> 00:08:53.200
So I'm not against you doing this without a therapist.
00:08:53.919 --> 00:09:02.240
I'm against anyone who uses I can do it without a therapist as a hiding place.
00:09:02.559 --> 00:09:08.639
So you want to get the tools, use the tools, and let your partner actually feel the difference.
00:09:08.879 --> 00:09:14.080
If you're doing that, the label on who help you really doesn't matter.
00:09:14.399 --> 00:09:21.039
If you're not, no one's credential in the world is going to save the relationship.
00:09:21.519 --> 00:09:23.759
And I mean, let's be honest.
00:09:24.320 --> 00:09:27.519
About my own life here for a second.
00:09:27.679 --> 00:09:36.320
Therapy has helped me to talk through some things, but I had to figure out what tools I can use to change my situation.
00:09:36.480 --> 00:09:40.240
I didn't get a lot of tools as I give to my clients.
00:09:40.399 --> 00:09:44.000
Setting boundaries, I figured out an easy way to make sense of that.
00:09:44.080 --> 00:09:47.200
And I created a tool that I now give to my clients.
00:09:47.360 --> 00:09:50.559
How to have priorities and set them without feeling guilt.
00:09:50.720 --> 00:09:53.120
Yeah, I learned that on my own.
00:09:53.279 --> 00:10:04.720
Sure, my therapist said it's important and encouraged me to set boundaries and to prioritize and all those good things, but I had to find the know-how.
00:10:05.039 --> 00:10:07.840
And now I give my clients the know-how.
00:10:08.080 --> 00:10:15.679
So my actual answer to can a fearful avoidant have a successful relationship without therapy is yes.
00:10:16.399 --> 00:10:24.320
No, no therapy means I found another real way to get the tools and I'm using them.
00:10:25.679 --> 00:10:29.919
Never if it means no work.
00:10:31.200 --> 00:10:36.240
The relationship doesn't need them to carry a label of being in therapy.
00:10:36.399 --> 00:10:41.919
It needs them to be healing with real tools in real time.
00:10:42.159 --> 00:10:50.399
Those aren't always the same things, but they're not opposites of each other either.
00:10:50.960 --> 00:10:56.159
Question two, how do I know if it's my anxiety or a real need?
00:10:57.759 --> 00:11:18.639
This is one of the most important questions in all of our attachment work because here's the problem: anxiety and the real need feel exactly the same way in your body, same tight chess, same urgency to fix the problem, same, I have to do something right now.
00:11:18.960 --> 00:11:23.200
So you can't tell them apart by how intense the feelings are.
00:11:23.440 --> 00:11:25.840
The intensity is not the information.
00:11:26.480 --> 00:11:38.559
A real need can feel quiet, and anxiety can feel like a massive alarm going off in your head, and you just can't control anything.
00:11:38.799 --> 00:11:44.320
So we need a better test than how strong is it.
00:11:45.039 --> 00:11:54.080
So, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna give you four ways to tell the difference because no single test is going to be perfect.
00:11:54.399 --> 00:12:04.080
And when you run a feeling through all four, you will usually get the truth pretty clearly.
00:12:04.639 --> 00:12:05.519
Test one.
00:12:07.200 --> 00:12:14.240
The source of anxiety is usually about the past.
00:12:15.120 --> 00:12:20.399
Wearing, you know, it's the past showing up today.
00:12:20.639 --> 00:12:28.639
It's your nervous system's pattern matching a current situation to an old wound.
00:12:28.720 --> 00:12:34.720
It's something that has happened in the past, and now you're feeling that pain all over again.
00:12:34.799 --> 00:12:35.840
There is a link.
00:12:36.080 --> 00:12:44.159
What you want to do is ask yourself, have I felt this exact feeling many times before in other relationships?
00:12:44.399 --> 00:12:54.480
Even in childhood, if this feeling has a long history that predates this person, that's a strong sign.
00:12:54.559 --> 00:12:59.440
It's anxiety, not a response to who they actually are.
00:13:00.080 --> 00:13:09.279
A real need tends to be about something else specific that's actually happening right now with this person in this situation.
00:13:10.080 --> 00:13:13.120
Test two, the evidence.
00:13:14.000 --> 00:13:18.000
Anxiety runs on an assumption and a story.
00:13:18.720 --> 00:13:21.759
He didn't text me back, so he's losing interest.
00:13:21.919 --> 00:13:22.879
That's a story.
00:13:23.200 --> 00:13:28.720
There's no evidence in it, just a feeling that looks like a fact.
00:13:29.039 --> 00:13:40.639
A real need is grounded in something that you can observe and a repeated behavior.
00:13:40.879 --> 00:13:46.720
He's canceled the last four plans we made and hasn't suggested rescheduling.
00:13:46.960 --> 00:13:48.480
That there is evidence.
00:13:49.120 --> 00:13:56.159
So ask if I had to argue this in front of a neutral person.
00:13:56.639 --> 00:14:04.000
Do I have actual behavior to point to, or do I just have a feeling and a story I built around it?
00:14:05.279 --> 00:14:06.720
Test three.
00:14:07.679 --> 00:14:09.440
And this one is huge.
00:14:10.240 --> 00:14:12.720
What does the feeling actually want?
00:14:12.960 --> 00:14:14.559
Anxiety wants relief.
00:14:14.799 --> 00:14:22.639
It wants the bad feeling to stop right now, and it'll take any quick hit, any dopamine for reassurance.
00:14:23.840 --> 00:14:29.519
That's why anxious reassurance, seeking validation, never fills you up.
00:14:29.679 --> 00:14:34.559
You're always going to want something more because relief isn't the same as a resolution.
00:14:34.799 --> 00:14:37.519
You get the I love you and everything's fine.
00:14:37.679 --> 00:14:40.879
And 20 minutes later, you need it again.
00:14:41.200 --> 00:14:43.519
A real need wants resolution.
00:14:43.679 --> 00:14:48.320
It wants something to actually change or be understood.
00:14:48.480 --> 00:14:52.480
And once that need is met, it stays met.
00:14:52.960 --> 00:15:00.559
So ask yourself: if I got reassurance right now, would I be settled tomorrow?
00:15:00.960 --> 00:15:03.279
Or would I need it again?
00:15:03.600 --> 00:15:07.840
And if it's a bottomless pit, that's anxiety.
00:15:08.080 --> 00:15:13.919
If meeting it once would actually resolve it, that's a real need.
00:15:14.240 --> 00:15:16.240
And here is test four.
00:15:16.639 --> 00:15:17.600
The tone.
00:15:18.080 --> 00:15:21.440
Anxiety is urgent and demanding.
00:15:21.679 --> 00:15:22.799
It's controlling.
00:15:23.279 --> 00:15:28.159
It says, right now, or something terrible is going to happen.
00:15:28.320 --> 00:15:35.519
Think of a child that is asking for a lollipop and the parent is saying, No, I can't give it to you right now.
00:15:35.679 --> 00:15:37.679
And child's like, no, I want it right now.
00:15:37.759 --> 00:15:38.960
I want it right now.
00:15:39.200 --> 00:15:50.000
If you have that feeling of urgency right now, and you're afraid that if you don't get this thing, you're not getting the lollipop, you're not going to be happy.
00:15:50.720 --> 00:15:51.279
Right?
00:15:51.600 --> 00:15:59.919
A real need can be stated calmly and can usually tolerate a wait.
00:16:00.080 --> 00:16:01.519
You can wait in it.
00:16:01.840 --> 00:16:08.639
This doesn't mean that real needs aren't important or can be endlessly deferred.
00:16:08.799 --> 00:16:16.960
It means that a real need doesn't feel so urgent that it needs to be sorted out now or everything collapse.
00:16:17.360 --> 00:16:22.320
If you don't act on it in the next four minutes, everything falls apart.
00:16:22.559 --> 00:16:39.759
So if you can wait, if you cannot sit with the feeling for even an hour without acting, without just checking in text, that urgency is the information you're looking for.
00:16:39.919 --> 00:16:44.879
And that is usually anxiety and not the need.
00:16:45.679 --> 00:16:50.879
Now, here is the nuance the internet usually skips, and I believe it's the most important part.
00:16:51.039 --> 00:16:52.720
It is not either or.
00:16:52.960 --> 00:16:54.799
Most of the times it's both.
00:16:54.960 --> 00:17:01.039
You can have anxiety and a real need tangled up in the same moment.
00:17:01.360 --> 00:17:05.039
The skill isn't picking a team, picking which one's right.
00:17:05.200 --> 00:17:07.039
The skill is to separate the two.
00:17:07.200 --> 00:17:13.680
So you can regulate anxiety and still honor your needs.
00:17:14.559 --> 00:17:18.960
Here's how that work in practice.
00:17:19.680 --> 00:17:22.240
What you want to do is first regulate.
00:17:22.400 --> 00:17:33.279
You get your nervous system out of the alarm phase because you cannot think clearly from that flooded state of emotions.
00:17:33.519 --> 00:17:37.599
Then once you're calm, you check in on what's left.
00:17:37.920 --> 00:17:43.920
If the need completely disappears the second you're calm, it was mostly anxiety.
00:17:45.200 --> 00:17:58.400
If there's something there after you've been regulated, a real quiet, yeah, this is still, this is still important, this still matters to me, that's your real need.
00:17:58.559 --> 00:18:02.559
And it deserves to be communicated and honored.
00:18:03.039 --> 00:18:10.079
But first you want to regulate, then evaluate, because that order matters.
00:18:10.960 --> 00:18:14.720
What survives the calm is the real need.
00:18:15.920 --> 00:18:16.240
Right?
00:18:16.400 --> 00:18:23.519
When you're calm, regulated, and you're still feeling something's off, that there is the need.
00:18:23.759 --> 00:18:32.240
Usually it comes from when we feel like you know our partner is inconsistent, there's some sort of unsafety there.
00:18:32.480 --> 00:18:35.039
They said they were going to do something, they're not doing it.
00:18:35.200 --> 00:18:37.599
We're expecting them, they're not showing up.
00:18:37.839 --> 00:18:39.200
You need consistency.
00:18:39.359 --> 00:18:46.000
Or if you're trying to share your feelings and they shut it down for whatever reason, you're not feeling heard or respected.
00:18:46.240 --> 00:18:47.759
Respect is a real need.
00:18:48.319 --> 00:19:02.400
But the whole test is in that one sentence, and that's the perfect bridge to the third question, because it's a real life example of exactly what I just said.
00:19:02.720 --> 00:19:08.480
The inconsistencies we feel that makes us feel insecure in relationships.
00:19:08.799 --> 00:19:14.880
Third question: I feel abandoned every time he goes to team or friends' dinners.
00:19:15.119 --> 00:19:16.960
How do I get over this?
00:19:17.359 --> 00:19:19.279
Okay, a lot of us feel this way.
00:19:19.440 --> 00:19:22.480
We've felt this way at some point or the other.
00:19:22.640 --> 00:19:24.559
You're probably going through it right now.
00:19:24.880 --> 00:19:32.240
Your partner goes off to a work dinner or out with his friends, and something in you just drops.
00:19:32.559 --> 00:19:36.880
It feels like abandonment, it feels like being left.
00:19:37.119 --> 00:19:54.160
And then on top of the hurt, there's a second layer, shame, because some part of you know he's allowed to go to dinner, and you feel ridiculous for being upset about something that is so normal.
00:19:54.799 --> 00:19:58.240
First, I want to take the shame off.
00:19:59.839 --> 00:20:04.960
Because you can't heal anything you're ashamed of.
00:20:05.680 --> 00:20:14.720
It's information, the shame is information that there just sometimes when you want to be gentle with yourself.
00:20:15.359 --> 00:20:18.079
Because that feeling makes complete sense.
00:20:18.319 --> 00:20:29.519
If you have an anxious attachment, your nervous system learned at some point that connection is unreliable, that people you love can become unavailable without warning.
00:20:29.680 --> 00:20:38.240
So when your partner leaves, even for something completely ordinary, your system reads it as a threat to your bond.
00:20:38.480 --> 00:20:48.480
That's not you being crazy or controlling, that's an old scary alarm doing exactly what it was built to do.
00:20:49.039 --> 00:20:53.839
But, and this is the most loving part I can give.
00:20:54.079 --> 00:21:00.720
Understanding why you feel it doesn't mean you get to hand that feeling to him to manage.
00:21:01.440 --> 00:21:12.480
He shouldn't have to give up team dinners and friendships so that your past alarm system doesn't go off.
00:21:12.799 --> 00:21:16.960
That would shrink his life to manage your anxiety.
00:21:17.119 --> 00:21:27.200
And a relationship where one person disappears socially to keep the other one regulated is not actually secure.
00:21:27.279 --> 00:21:28.640
It's not healthy.
00:21:29.200 --> 00:21:32.799
It is just something that looks calm on the surface.
00:21:33.039 --> 00:21:37.039
Beneath it all, there's going to be a resentment being built up.
00:21:37.839 --> 00:21:41.759
So let's run this through a test.
00:21:42.160 --> 00:21:45.200
Just a few questions that you can ask yourself.
00:21:45.440 --> 00:21:48.160
Ask yourself is this feeling old?
00:21:48.799 --> 00:21:50.480
Almost certainly it is.
00:21:52.000 --> 00:21:59.759
The left behind feeling usually came a long time before this partner, and by decades.
00:22:01.200 --> 00:22:03.440
That points to anxiety.
00:22:03.759 --> 00:22:04.400
Evidence.
00:22:04.640 --> 00:22:06.000
You're looking for evidence.
00:22:06.240 --> 00:22:08.480
Has he actually abandoned you?
00:22:08.799 --> 00:22:15.359
Does he go out to dinners and then disappear on you for days, go cold, become unreachable?
00:22:15.839 --> 00:22:21.759
Or does he go have his dinner and then come home to you like he always does?
00:22:22.160 --> 00:22:26.240
If it's the second one, there is no evidence of abandonment.
00:22:26.400 --> 00:22:34.559
There's a story of abandonment that your nervous system is telling on top of the completely safe event.
00:22:35.119 --> 00:22:40.400
The goal is do you want him to not go?
00:22:43.119 --> 00:22:50.079
Do you want relief or do you actually want something specific that would resolve it?
00:22:52.799 --> 00:22:56.880
Is it a panicked don't leave me?
00:22:57.440 --> 00:23:02.960
Or could it become something you calmly request?
00:23:05.759 --> 00:23:08.720
Run through those two questions honestly.
00:23:09.759 --> 00:23:19.519
And for most people, most of the time, this one lands mostly on the anxiety side.
00:23:20.480 --> 00:23:24.559
So how do you actually get through it?
00:23:25.599 --> 00:23:28.880
And not just push through, white knuckle it.
00:23:30.240 --> 00:23:34.319
Let me give you a few real steps.
00:23:34.720 --> 00:23:37.440
Before he goes, name it to yourself.
00:23:37.680 --> 00:23:45.359
You can say internally or out loud, I'm noticing the abandoned feeling.
00:23:45.839 --> 00:23:47.359
This is from my past.
00:23:47.519 --> 00:23:50.880
It is not evidence that anything is wrong.
00:23:51.119 --> 00:23:58.160
When you name it, it creates tiny gaps between you and the feeling and a gap in your choice.
00:23:58.400 --> 00:24:01.599
You get to now choose how you're going to approach this.
00:24:02.480 --> 00:24:06.000
Then make an actual plan for your own evening.
00:24:06.160 --> 00:24:16.319
The goal is to have your own life, that something that lights you up, makes you happy when he's out, not to sit there waiting and watching the clock.
00:24:16.480 --> 00:24:25.599
Anxious attachment gets so much worse in that empty, waiting, sitting around posture.
00:24:26.319 --> 00:24:37.519
During regulation, regulate your body, breathe, take a walk, do some movement, call a friend, get into something that is absorbing.
00:24:38.079 --> 00:24:39.759
And here's the discipline part.
00:24:39.839 --> 00:24:41.599
And this is not easy.
00:24:41.920 --> 00:24:45.920
Don't text him to check the temperature of the bond.
00:24:46.160 --> 00:24:47.119
People do that.
00:24:47.279 --> 00:24:48.400
I'm just checking in.
00:24:48.559 --> 00:24:49.519
How are you doing?
00:24:49.680 --> 00:24:52.880
And when they get a response, ooh, this is nice and warm.
00:24:53.119 --> 00:24:55.680
When they don't get a response, ooh, this is cold.
00:24:55.759 --> 00:24:56.880
I don't like it.
00:24:59.759 --> 00:25:03.200
The have fun text, that's warm.
00:25:04.640 --> 00:25:10.720
Seven check-ins is your anxiety trying to get some sort of relief.
00:25:10.960 --> 00:25:21.359
But the best thing to do is appreciate that your partner is out there enjoying their time so they could come back to you all refreshed.
00:25:23.599 --> 00:25:26.000
Let him have his night.
00:25:26.400 --> 00:25:26.799
Right?
00:25:27.039 --> 00:25:33.839
After you notice that most important piece of the evidence will probably never be collected.
00:25:33.920 --> 00:25:38.240
You'll see that he comes back every single time he goes out and comes home.
00:25:38.480 --> 00:25:43.119
You are gathering proof that contradicts this old story.
00:25:43.359 --> 00:25:55.279
And that's how the nervous system actually relearns safety through repeated, lived experiences that's evidence, not through reassurance.
00:25:55.680 --> 00:26:06.480
Now I told you it's more than likely anxiety, but let's honor the part of you that this might actually be a real need because it's almost never zero, right?
00:26:06.799 --> 00:26:11.119
Maybe the real need isn't underneath don't go.
00:26:11.359 --> 00:26:14.400
Maybe it's a connection before and after.
00:26:14.640 --> 00:26:24.160
So to be totally fair, securely stated requests sounds like I love that you have your friends and your work dinners.
00:26:24.559 --> 00:26:26.559
I love that you enjoy them.
00:26:27.200 --> 00:26:34.400
Something that would really help me is a hug before you leave and a little reconnection when you get home.
00:26:34.720 --> 00:26:35.839
Can we do that?
00:26:36.160 --> 00:26:38.000
And notice what that does.
00:26:38.240 --> 00:26:43.839
It doesn't restrict him so suddenly he's not getting all defensive and feeling suffocated.
00:26:44.079 --> 00:26:46.720
It doesn't make his dinner the problem.
00:26:46.880 --> 00:26:51.680
He doesn't feel like I'm doing something wrong and you're going to be upset and you're going to leave him.
00:26:51.920 --> 00:26:57.359
It asks for connection instead of demanding that he does not go.
00:26:57.519 --> 00:26:58.720
You're asking for something.
00:26:58.799 --> 00:27:01.519
You're saying, Yeah, sure, go ahead.
00:27:01.839 --> 00:27:03.920
But can you also do this for me?
00:27:04.319 --> 00:27:05.920
And that's the real need.
00:27:06.319 --> 00:27:17.119
And it cleanly separates the feeling of being abandoned and now asking for connection.
00:27:17.680 --> 00:27:22.640
So the answer to how do I get over this is not by him staying home.
00:27:22.960 --> 00:27:29.920
You get over it by regulating an old pattern, an old feeling, an old behavior.
00:27:30.240 --> 00:27:56.480
And that you do by building your own life, asking for connection around everything that's going on instead of restriction and letting his consistent return to you slowly teach your nervous system that this time leaving and abandonment are not the same thing.
00:27:56.720 --> 00:27:57.680
And that's the work.
00:27:57.759 --> 00:28:00.079
That's the work that we have to do on ourselves.
00:28:00.319 --> 00:28:02.160
And it is so worth it.
00:28:02.400 --> 00:28:06.240
I've been through this, I know how worth it this is.
00:28:06.480 --> 00:28:07.680
It's something that I've done.
00:28:07.839 --> 00:28:14.559
I used to be afraid too that if my partner didn't respond, then he was going to be gone or whatever was going on there.
00:28:14.720 --> 00:28:19.200
And then I started to just look at his patterns and my body started to trust it.
00:28:19.359 --> 00:28:26.480
And now it's like I could text him, and if he doesn't respond all day or ever, I just know he forgot.
00:28:26.640 --> 00:28:29.359
He probably saw it and forgot.
00:28:29.759 --> 00:28:32.400
And that's the work that you do on yourself.
00:28:32.880 --> 00:28:51.200
Because having a healthy relationship, being able to love someone without having to control the narrative, just to sit back and relax and enjoy a happy, healthy relationship.
00:28:51.279 --> 00:28:58.640
It is so, so worth healing our anxious attachment and our avoidant attachment style.
00:28:58.880 --> 00:29:06.160
So let's put these three together because they're really pretty much the same thing, just they sound differently.
00:29:06.400 --> 00:29:16.799
Question one, an avoidant can heal without therapy, but only if real healing is actually happening with real tools and used in real time.
00:29:17.359 --> 00:29:21.839
Not if no therapy is just a polite way of saying no work.
00:29:22.160 --> 00:29:27.119
Question two, anxiety and real needs can feel identical.
00:29:27.279 --> 00:29:31.519
So you regulate first and then see what happens after you're calm.
00:29:31.759 --> 00:29:34.319
What is left is going to be the real need.
00:29:34.480 --> 00:29:38.960
If it's I still need to connect with my partner, that's the real need.
00:29:39.039 --> 00:29:40.559
But wait until you're calm.
00:29:40.799 --> 00:29:58.799
And question three is just the same skills applied to Tuesday night when he goes out with his friends or to dinner, and your nervous system is on high alert, you wait until you are calm and regulated and ask, Do I still feel unsafe?
00:29:59.039 --> 00:30:10.319
And again, remember when your partner is leaving and you feel like you're being abandoned, it takes time to see that they keep showing up for you and you don't have to be concerned.
00:30:10.400 --> 00:30:12.160
And that's when safety is built.
00:30:12.240 --> 00:30:13.839
But this takes time.
00:30:14.559 --> 00:30:19.359
I'm Annalisa Bahadur, and this is Decoding Attachment Style.
00:30:19.519 --> 00:30:20.400
Until next time.
