How to Get Over a Breakup?

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Joining me today are two attachment-based coaches, Marta and Duncan.
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And we're having a discussion about something that most of us have experienced at some point or the other.
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Why is letting go so difficult, even when we know that the relationship is not working for us?
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Marta started doing this attachment work after experiencing a heartbreak of her own.
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She wanted to understand her own patterns in relationships.
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And now she's working with groups and individuals to help them heal their attachment style.
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Now she also has a background in healthcare, which brings the curiosity and compassion into the work of helping others to heal their attachment style today.
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Duncan's interest in attachment grew through his own experiences as well, and especially trying to understand why we keep making the same mistakes, we repeat the same patterns, even though we know that they're not serving us.
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He's taken the work that he's done with a psychologist and mentoring, and also in the tools that he's learned to heal his own attachment, brought them all together, and now he's got his own coaching practice where he helps others to heal their attachment wounds.
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Today, the three of us are having a discussion.
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It's not an interview.
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We're just discussing how attachment plays into why it is so difficult for us to go through a breakup, for us to let go and move into relationships that we're hoping for.
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Why do we hold on to the past instead of moving forward?
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And what is happening underneath it all?
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And more importantly, how can we move on?
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So join us.
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I've grown to be not someone who does not believe that all relationships will last, and we've got to find a way to make peace with them when they end.
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Marta Duncan, you guys have joined me on decoding attachment style and my practice.
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So we're going to share which one of you want to go first.
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I'll go first.
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All right.
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Who have not heard us before, a little background into what your attachment style is.
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So I'm anxiously attached.
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And I would say that there's a little fearful avoidant.
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I've got some avoidant behaviors there, for sure.
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When you were talking then, I just it just reminded me of a conversation I had with a client of mine the other day.
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And he's going through a messy divorce at the moment, it's really taking a toll.
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And we were just talking about how it almost gets that heartbreak almost gets mocked into in society outside of the person who's going through the heartbreak.
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It's almost there's songs, there's movies, there's everything about it.
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But the toll it takes on your body is very real.
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And we were talking about this earlier about the stress hormones that just flood your body.
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And obviously, everyone experiences that differently, depending on their attachment style, depending on just their their past experience, how deep the relationship was, how long it lasted, how attached they were.
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It can be devastating.
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Your body basically reacts like someone's died, and you have this huge loss, and you are flooded with all those stress hormones.
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So that completely affects your brain chemistry and everything.
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And you just and it's gonna be different for everyone.
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And it's gonna be and even the same person can experience it completely differently with different relationships.
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Absolutely.
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With me, it's it's I experienced very different forms of heartbreak.
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I remember my very first relationship when I was uh what was I 17, and my girlfriend when she went off to uni or and I went off to uni, she broke up me over the phone, absolutely devastated, fell to bits.
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Rude and my yeah, well what makes it even more rude is we used to have this thing where she would ring the house phone, my house phone from a payphone.
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You're showing your age, Duncan.
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Calm down.
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All right, back in your box.
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I um and and she'd ring the house phone, it'd ring twice, and I called her back.
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And she called me back on my own.
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Okay, that is cool.
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That is cute.
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She broke up with me on my own.
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She broke up with you.
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You called her for the breakup?
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I called her back after she.
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So she trained you like a Pavlov's dog to call her back.
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Pretty much, yeah, pretty much.
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You spent that money for a breakup?
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Yeah, well, my parents' money.
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I I lived at home at the time.
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Um, I'd come back to it.
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Yeah, it was all kinds of wrong.
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But I remember how hard that hit me.
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God, it was just like she was my world.
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You know, I was only young.
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I was think by that time I was 18, but it was it it was devastating.
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And I didn't handle that very well, but then I was 18.
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You know, you you don't really there's no way you could know how to handle that at anything at that age.
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But well not when it's your first serious relationship.
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But that's the relationship you think that was gonna last forever.
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Even at that age, yeah.
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I remember my gran telling me when I remember being annoyed because she'd said to me when she found out like that my girlfriend at the time was going to uni somewhere and I was gonna be going off somewhere, and she was like, Well, just enjoy it while it lasts because you'll meet new people.
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I'm like, What?
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No, no, we're gonna we're gonna be together forever.
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We're gonna get it.
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Yeah, they downplay your feelings.
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It's like you're just a child, you don't know.
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My grandma used to say, Oh, it's just poppy love.
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Yeah, yeah.
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Basically that, yeah.
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And I was just horrified that that wasn't even a notion.
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And alas, it was true.
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And uh, there we go.
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All right, Marta, what's your story?
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Oh my god, there's so many, but not really.
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Well, I am a fearful, I feel like I'm mostly healed, fearful avoidance.
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Tend to go back and forth between avoidant and anxious, lovely, lovely little journey.
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Not so much anymore.
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And then Duncan, you mentioned something about it feeling like someone died.
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And in a way, there's a two-pronged answer I have for this one.
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In a way, I feel like the expectation of the society is when you do go through a breakup that you recover within this period of time and you're not supposed to or allowed to be grieving longer than expected, right?
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Unlike when you do lose someone to to you know, that ultimate loss when they are gone, you're allowed to grieve for as long as you need to, right?
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It's it's societally approved and and you're allowed to do that, but not so much.
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You also have no choice.
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That's the thing.
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When someone absolutely does, you have no choice but to accept grieve.
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Well, yeah, you can accept that that the ultimate breakup, as awful as that sounds, because they're gone.
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And that's not to dismiss it or you know, I'm not sure.
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No, of course, no, but yeah, that person is gone.
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And with that being said, I feel like in a lot of ways, the person that I was after or before my breakup, well, that person is gone too.
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Like, yeah, I am literally no longer the same person.
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I'm just not.
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Things have changed, I have shifted.
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That's the truth, though, isn't it?
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Like you you die with that sounds awful.
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That version with that person, the personal yes, you're grieving that version of yourself, aren't you?
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You're you're grieving.
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That was my point.
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You're grieving who you are and who you thought you could be, and who what your future you thought you were gonna be.
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Sure, sure, but not even that, because yeah, sure, there's grieving of the future that you imagined, right?
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That's that's that's for everybody, right?
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Everybody has had an imagined future with that person, and and there's grief associated with that.
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But no, I'm I'm talking more about like putting in the work where I have worked on myself and how I present in relationships.
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So the version that that person that I was with knew was she's no longer, she's no longer here, right?
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Yeah, she's no longer available.
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It's like that Taylor Swift song, right?
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Taylor can't come to can't come to the phone because she's dead.
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And again, not to be dramatic, but that version of me is no longer here.
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And every once in a while she tries to like pop back up from a crawl out from a basement or something, like in a horror movie, and I just gotta like shove her back down.
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I'm like, you're staying in the basement.
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Yeah, you're staying in that basement because I'm not letting you out again, and and I don't want to.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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I think in my case, my my first heartbreak, I was 12 years old.
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And I used to get all these love letters, love letters in high school, and I thought this was going to be my person.
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I remember I got this globe, a water globe with a rose in it, and from a third world country, that's like kind of hard to find.
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So he got me that for Valentine's Day and a car, that was the most perfect thing.
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One year of well, first I wasn't interested, I did not like him.
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I saw all sorts of flaws there.
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It's like not my type.
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I know I was 11, but I knew it wasn't my type.
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And he would send letters and pursue me.
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And then when he got me, he was no longer interested.
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Oh, one of those.
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And the anxious attached me at that time was just devastated.
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And I did what every anxious attached person would do walk past his classroom afterwards, write him letters.
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I accidentally bumped into him in the porter.
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Right.
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And he did well.
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He did what every avoidant attached person would do after I started ignoring him.
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After there was another boy who was interested in me, he started to do everything a fearful avoidant attached person would do.
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He would make excuses not to ride on the bus with the girl that he started liking.
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And he would try to wait and see which bus I was going to get into, and then he would get into it.
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But it was devastating.
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I thought I would, I would never find somebody to love again.
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And so many relationships after that I thought were going to be the final one, the second one was going to be the last one, the third one was going to be the last one, the fourth one.
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I got to a point where I realized all relationships will come to an end at some point.
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And all of those relationships where I try to hold on to people and try to make them into what I thought was going to make me happy, what I should have done back then, what I should have done, was be grateful for the time I had with them.
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Enjoy that time, take the lessons and move on.
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Because now I'm open to people coming into my life and leaving, and there's no more fear around it.
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They may leave, they may come back, and that's okay.
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So yeah, the first one's heartbreaking.
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I think one of the things that that really helps us to get through breakups is first you have to accept that it's going to be painful.
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It is going to be painful.
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Lots of people try to run away from that pain.
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If you're staying in a relationship that's not comfortable, that's going to be painful.
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When you leave it, it's going to be painful.
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The only choice you have is choosing which pain you're going to walk with.
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And if you're going to stay with it, don't complain.
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Figure it out, but don't complain.
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Right.
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Well, I think that's when a lot of the avoidant behaviors kind of kick in, right?
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When people are so scared of the pain.
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And even if they do the side, whichever party you are in the breakup, right?
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Whether you're the one who broke up with the other person or you're on the receiving end of the breakup, for so many avoidant leaning individuals, those tendencies kick in so hard where they just like, I'm just gonna numb it, I'm just gonna distract.
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They go and work, you know, 80 hours a week, or they go out and drink every day for the next three to four months, and then they jump in blind into a next relationship without any sort of actual deeper processing of what just happened.
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Because you're you're not processing when you're drunk or you're dating, you know, 20 different people and you can't remember who's who.
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That's that's not processing, that's just running away without physically running away.
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I got called out on it one time.
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I was chatting with a friend.
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I'm like, you know what?
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I just can't just can't sit here anymore.
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I'm gonna go for a walk.
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And he was like, Oh, so you're literally running away.
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I was like, Oh, yeah, I got I thought I was getting my steps in, but I guess I am.
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So I I'm not a big believer in like the mass casual dating.
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So I I try, I used to find different ways to avoid feelings.
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I would just kind of like, it's almost like a flip and like a switch in my brain where I'll be like, okay, I'm just not gonna deal with it right now.
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Off it went.
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Since becoming more secure, I kind of lost that ability and unf in some ways, unfortunately, to to do that.
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But it was it felt useful at the time.
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It felt safe.
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It felt like I was protecting myself from the pain, right?
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By flipping the switch and just kind of nope, not gonna think about how crappy and shitty I feel.
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Not gonna feel all that right now because it's not the right time.
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Yeah.
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So not having that ability, I kind of miss it at times, which sounds weird because I know the goal is to become securely attached, but I do miss that ability to like turn it off a little bit at times.
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No, I I get it.
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I mean, you would find the anxious attached across social media would say, and I said this as an anxious attached.
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I have said, Oh my gosh, I wish I would just not feel anything because these people just seem to be so cold.
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Like, I don't want to feel, and so you know, just to imagine having that kind of ability, but then again, it comes from a place of fear.
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You could very well get to that place when you become securely attached, but also also I I've started becoming a little more careful with how I say my healing has been done because when I talk about becoming securely attached, there's a lot of Buddhist practices that that adds to me healing.
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It's not just a psychological thing.
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So the whole letting go and letting people be and not being in, you know, trying to control an outcome.
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That came more from years of practicing Buddhism.
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You know, I can love everyone, but I don't have to like everyone, and I don't have to allow everyone in my space kind of thing.
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But you love unconditionally and just let humans be.
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So that was that's more a Buddhist practice than it is psychology.
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I think it is the aim of psychology in a way.
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So you can achieve that, that peaceful peacefulness when a relationship comes to an end.
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The answer is Buddhism, basically.
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There are people who think that it's a religion, and I'm just gonna jump in here and say it's not a religion, it's a way of life.
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Yes, however, I would highly recommend it because I mean I started practicing a 27 and not like a you know big practitioner.
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I don't sit there cross my legs for four or five hours.
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I don't do that.
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I meditate throughout the day in different circumstances, but it kicks in, you know, it really kicks in at times when I need it.
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Like when I'm feeling triggered now, I could just breathe and just focus on that breath.
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And sometimes I don't even hear the other person because I'm so focused on my breathing.
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And that is really, I'm not ignoring you.
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I'm trying to really hold myself together so I don't slip back into my old patterns and say something that's gonna probably be mean and hurtful.
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But then I come back and say, Hey, you know what?
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I got lost in my thoughts.
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Do you mind repeating what you just said?
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That breathing exercise calms the nervous system so that we are not so reactive and responsive whenever we're triggered.
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So it really, it really does help with the whole healing process.
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But if you don't have tools and you're not practicing those tools and it starts to become a part of who you are, you're just sitting there with information.
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Well, I think that's the biggest part, right?
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Because so many people sit there and consume content.
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They're like scrolling, they're like, oh, I'm gonna tag this, I'm gonna save this, but they never sit there and practice.
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And it could be something just as simple as you said, sitting there doing box breathing or counting as you breathe.
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And and you know, for myself, I know early on, I was like, this is not gonna help me.
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I don't need that.
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I'm breathing just fine, right?
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I'll be almost like a little dismissive to that simple advice because it seemed too simple to solve my problem.
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And I'd be like, me, me, me, me, right?
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But then I was like, I would actually sit and try it, and I'm like, oh, I do feel a little bit better, or I feel a little less anxious or confined to just my thoughts.
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So it does help and just from what you're saying, like one of the things that I sort of started with and recommend everyone starts with is just catching yourself when things happen, like whether it's uh a te uncomfortable text or or anything that triggers you, it's just recognize it every time it happens.
00:18:11.759 --> 00:18:18.319
Because to start with, you're not gonna be able to control that if you know it it takes practice, like like you're saying.
00:18:19.039 --> 00:18:25.599
But it's recognize it happens, recognize what it is, recognise how you feel, don't react to it, just sit with it.
00:18:25.759 --> 00:18:37.920
But pay attention to how long that lasts, because it's invariably when you get triggered, that awful adrenaline rush, the fight and flight that comes that comes over you, it does pass.
00:18:38.000 --> 00:18:39.200
It doesn't feel like it at the time.
00:18:39.599 --> 00:18:40.480
Never does, does it?
00:18:41.440 --> 00:18:53.359
But once you start paying attention to it, you recognize that it it it can take two or three hours depending on how big the trigger is, you know, it it can do, but you will feel differently at a point.
00:18:53.759 --> 00:19:02.799
And when you recognize that that's how you feel and that it it that it does pass, you don't react to it, and you learn to control your emotions at the point.
00:19:02.960 --> 00:19:03.680
I'm triggered.
00:19:03.920 --> 00:19:20.480
I mean from what I understand, like being being secure doesn't mean you don't feel it, it's just it means you don't react and you can control it, and you you you have control over it, and it starts with, in my opinion, recognizing it at that point.
00:19:20.640 --> 00:19:22.000
That's how you feel then.
00:19:22.240 --> 00:19:25.119
Look at how long it takes until you don't feel that way.
00:19:25.599 --> 00:19:29.920
And then when you're in those moments, you're like, I know this won't last, so I'm not gonna react to this.
00:19:30.000 --> 00:19:33.519
I'm gonna take my time, and and then that becomes more powerful.
00:19:33.839 --> 00:19:41.039
I think people nowadays have this expectation, like Duncan, you talking about the UK is a trigger for me.
00:19:41.279 --> 00:19:44.720
And now I expect you never to mention the UK ever again.
00:19:45.119 --> 00:19:49.440
But that's not fair, and that's where you live, that's where your life takes place, right?
00:19:49.599 --> 00:19:54.640
So, my trigger, I think we have to take responsibility for our own triggers.
00:19:54.880 --> 00:19:56.559
Okay, I named my trigger.
00:19:56.720 --> 00:20:03.039
What am I doing to either the trigger it or to manage other people living their lives?
00:20:03.279 --> 00:20:09.920
Because I cannot expect people to walk on eggshells around me for the rest of my life.
00:20:10.079 --> 00:20:11.839
They don't owe that to me, right?
00:20:12.000 --> 00:20:14.079
But I feel like that's the expectation.
00:20:14.640 --> 00:20:16.160
Well, also not reasonable.
00:20:16.480 --> 00:20:22.160
The word trigger is being used so loosely to add on uh to what you said, Marta.
00:20:22.480 --> 00:20:29.599
We cannot expect people to change themselves to make us happy, it's not fair, and heal our wounds.
00:20:29.759 --> 00:20:32.559
No, it's nobody's responsibility.
00:20:32.799 --> 00:20:47.759
And I know nobody likes hearing this part, but if you if you want to say, if you want to agree and say, okay, you know what, it's this person's responsibility because they signed up to be my partner, so it's their responsibility to make me happy.
00:20:48.000 --> 00:20:51.680
I would love for you to reach out and let me know how that's going.
00:20:51.920 --> 00:20:56.720
If there's any progress and how you were able to do it so that I could teach others the same thing.
00:20:56.880 --> 00:21:06.640
If you found that this has made your relationship peaceful, trying to change somebody else and make them into something that you would want, you have success with that.
00:21:06.799 --> 00:21:08.480
Please share the tools.
00:21:08.720 --> 00:21:18.400
Because one thing I've found is that you cannot change how a person thinks and how they behave, what they want, what they need.
00:21:18.720 --> 00:21:22.400
You've got no control on anyone who's outside of you.
00:21:22.559 --> 00:21:33.839
The only thing, the only person you can control is who is like you, and and like Duncan said, you can't see me, but I'm just drawing a circle around myself.
00:21:33.920 --> 00:21:36.319
I'm the only person I can control.
00:21:36.960 --> 00:21:40.799
You know, in my relationship, my my partner hates a sarcasm.
00:21:41.039 --> 00:21:42.559
And I love sarcasm.
00:21:42.640 --> 00:21:43.279
I was brought up.
00:21:45.440 --> 00:21:46.400
Yeah, love sarcasm.
00:21:46.640 --> 00:21:48.880
I was gonna say, I was gonna say, did you grow up in England?
00:21:49.200 --> 00:21:51.440
Because you're very good at very good at that.
00:21:51.920 --> 00:21:53.759
We were colonized, Duncan.
00:21:53.839 --> 00:21:55.200
That's for another time.
00:21:55.680 --> 00:21:59.759
We were such an off-air conversation, but yeah.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:01.759
Yeah, love sarcasm.
00:22:01.920 --> 00:22:05.839
And there are certain times we're in an uncomfortable conversation.
00:22:06.000 --> 00:22:07.039
There's sarcasm.
00:22:07.279 --> 00:22:11.839
And I remember the last time I said, okay, I can appreciate that you don't like sarcasm.
00:22:11.920 --> 00:22:12.720
I get that.
00:22:12.960 --> 00:22:15.440
And I try my best to hold back.
00:22:15.519 --> 00:22:17.599
But this is a part of my personality now.
00:22:17.680 --> 00:22:19.359
And it's kind of difficult.
00:22:19.599 --> 00:22:26.799
So I'm going to have to ask you that we work a little bit more on you managing this side of you.
00:22:26.960 --> 00:22:29.359
It's just a form of language.
00:22:29.920 --> 00:22:30.480
Right.
00:22:30.720 --> 00:22:36.319
And being able to say to people that, whoa, I I've been working on my triggers.
00:22:36.400 --> 00:22:39.039
I'm not coming to you asking you to help me out.
00:22:39.279 --> 00:22:51.279
So yes, I'll be considerate of you, but it is not my job to change myself to make you happy because what I'm doing is creating my own internal woes.
00:22:52.160 --> 00:22:52.319
Right.
00:23:00.880 --> 00:23:05.680
But you know, that's or certain people expect that you'll simply avoid a whole topic, right?
00:23:05.839 --> 00:23:10.960
And I'm like, that is literally, in my opinion, death to the relationship, right?
00:23:11.119 --> 00:23:18.880
Because the minute you're like, we can't discuss this because it's my trigger, if I'm your partner, where is our communication at?
00:23:19.119 --> 00:23:27.200
I'm not saying we have to like hash it out every day and you know, but we need to be able to talk and communicate.
00:23:27.680 --> 00:23:34.640
It's really one of the things that I'm noticing to be a big problem for people in relationships.
00:23:34.720 --> 00:23:37.759
It's actually leading to breakups.
00:23:38.079 --> 00:23:49.680
People are unable to build a resilience to accommodate and respect somebody else's views or way of being.
00:24:16.720 --> 00:24:17.599
Communication.
00:24:18.319 --> 00:24:18.559
Yeah.
00:24:18.720 --> 00:24:38.799
And I don't want to get on well, I'm gonna get in the social media route and how uh it's well, just online and the fact people FaceTime rather than catch up in person, the relationships with everyone becomes more well becomes less personal and communication breaks down.
00:24:38.880 --> 00:24:44.559
It's not the same communicating over FaceTime as it's in person, body language, everything else.
00:24:44.880 --> 00:25:02.559
You you you end up isolating yourself a little bit in your own little echo chamber, and any kind of how to put this insecurities you have get louder for both parties, and they're not communicating.
00:25:02.640 --> 00:25:14.720
And it's just and the way algorithms work at the moment, you know, you click on one video, you see more, you see more, you see more, and it reinforces your own insecurities sometimes, your own negative thought patterns.
00:25:14.799 --> 00:25:23.599
And if your partner's getting the same negative thought patterns reinforce, reinforce, reinforce, you are you're getting further away, you're not you're not gonna communicate.
00:25:23.680 --> 00:25:24.720
I think that's a real problem.
00:25:24.880 --> 00:25:25.440
I really do.
00:25:25.519 --> 00:25:46.400
I think, and you know, with with men and women in particular, it's like you're getting a very different influence for both parties, and you're not talking about you're getting very extreme views on each side, yeah, absolutely, and it's only getting worse, and I think that that's uh that is a real problem.
00:25:46.559 --> 00:25:56.480
I'm not saying it is the cause of everything, but I think it has an impact, and then in breakups it's exactly the same, the algorithms, what it tells you you should do.
00:25:56.640 --> 00:26:08.559
You know, I think I've said I said before in a previous podcast about if everyone's using AI to manage their emotions and and have breakup advice, no one's talking to each other.
00:26:08.720 --> 00:26:10.799
Don't reach out, don't do this, no contact.
00:26:10.960 --> 00:26:13.920
Yes, absolutely, and but it's not as simple as that.
00:26:14.000 --> 00:26:19.599
There's too much nuance, and that's not being communicated, and you've got two groups of people just not talking anymore.
00:26:20.000 --> 00:26:20.960
Yeah, I agree.
00:26:21.119 --> 00:26:33.759
I would add on a little bit more to that because it all comes under the umbrella of communication, but I think with the with the rise of social media, online dating, all that kind of stuff, everybody expects that instant gratification.
00:26:33.839 --> 00:26:35.920
And there is so much content out there.
00:26:36.079 --> 00:26:42.559
Well, if you can deliver point one and two, but you deliver 17 other, you know, points.
00:26:42.880 --> 00:26:44.400
Why not repair?
00:26:44.960 --> 00:26:47.759
Why not sit down together and repair?
00:26:48.079 --> 00:26:51.599
It just feels like no one wants to repair things anymore.
00:26:51.680 --> 00:26:54.720
It's like the the quick, the quick fashion, right?
00:26:54.880 --> 00:26:59.680
You just order another$15 dress versus repair the one that you bought.
00:26:59.759 --> 00:27:00.720
That's$200.
00:27:01.279 --> 00:27:02.559
It's a great dress.
00:27:02.960 --> 00:27:14.640
When I was anxiously attached, you just want the relationship and and you meet someone, you had a great time with them, and you start to think right there, I could see this person in my future.
00:27:14.799 --> 00:27:20.960
You think that that one or two hours of fun is what the entire relationship is going to be.
00:27:21.200 --> 00:27:32.720
And you you really just put a whole human being into an hour or two hours of time, and you don't realize that this person, let's just say that they're 34 years old.
00:27:32.960 --> 00:27:40.319
34 years of being on the planet, you don't know them in an hour or two, and then you can't wait to see them again.
00:27:40.559 --> 00:27:46.640
But it's not that you can't wait to see them again, it's that you can't wait to have that feeling again, right?
00:27:46.960 --> 00:27:58.000
Then you go through your entire dating of a month or two, and you're expecting that very feeling and that only feeling to be there forever.
00:27:58.240 --> 00:28:02.079
Then you have an issue instead of sitting there to understand this.
00:28:02.240 --> 00:28:03.759
Okay, where's this person coming from?
00:28:03.920 --> 00:28:05.920
Where why are we having this issue?
00:28:06.000 --> 00:28:07.759
Well, how are we managing this?
00:28:08.000 --> 00:28:11.359
We try to resolve the issue as quickly as we possibly can.
00:28:11.519 --> 00:28:26.240
I'll contort myself, I'll say whatever I want, I'll look however I can to make sure that this problem goes away so I can have that feeling that I got in the first hour or two of our meeting, and that is what we don't want to change.
00:28:26.559 --> 00:28:44.079
So the anxious attachment will jump into the relationship and start to hold on to this hour or two of meeting this person and try to have that for the rest of their lives, and anything out of that is so disruptive.
00:28:44.319 --> 00:29:00.799
Now, people are incredibly overwhelmed with a breakup because they're so fixated on that first hour or two and all the other only good moments that they saw, which is not reality, it is not reality.
00:29:02.319 --> 00:29:02.720
Guess what?
00:29:03.359 --> 00:29:06.000
They all leave their clothes on the floor, they all do it.
00:29:06.240 --> 00:29:07.359
We all do it, I do it.
00:29:07.519 --> 00:29:08.640
Don't tell anyone, but I do it.
00:29:08.880 --> 00:29:14.799
Yeah, and you know, I think it's you have to can you build a relationship with absolutely everyone?
00:29:14.960 --> 00:29:21.759
No, there are people who are going to be so insecure that they're going to chip away at who you are, your confidence.
00:29:21.839 --> 00:29:34.240
They'll make little jabs at you, and you you'll start to feel like you're not supported, you'll start to feel unsafe in the relationship, you'll start to feel like you can't rely on your partner.
00:29:34.799 --> 00:29:40.640
That is perhaps someone that you don't want to invest in, you don't want to spend the rest of your life with.
00:29:40.799 --> 00:29:42.559
But it is your responsibility.
00:29:42.720 --> 00:29:46.000
You know, we talk about the other person doesn't take accountability.
00:29:46.160 --> 00:29:59.359
It is our responsibility to take accountability for our future and say, the hard thing would be to leave, the harder thing will be to stay here and lose myself.
00:29:59.920 --> 00:30:01.359
And I've got to leave.
00:30:01.519 --> 00:30:05.440
And then there's some relationships where your core values are the same.
00:30:05.519 --> 00:30:10.960
You're kind to each other, you know, you respect each other, and you have some issues that you need to work through.
00:30:11.119 --> 00:30:15.279
Those are the ones that I would encourage you to try to build up the resilience.
00:30:15.519 --> 00:30:16.400
Marcus Aurelius.
00:30:16.960 --> 00:30:19.279
A lot of avoidance, love the stoics.
00:30:19.440 --> 00:30:22.640
Um, yeah, again, again back in the box.
00:30:22.799 --> 00:30:23.119
Okay.
00:30:26.480 --> 00:30:32.000
And and it, but it is exact that there was this post exactly was what you were just talking about.
00:30:32.079 --> 00:30:34.880
And it's like, but every indulgence teaches the mind a lesson.
00:30:34.960 --> 00:30:37.039
If I feel this urge, I must obey it.
00:30:37.279 --> 00:30:40.400
Repeat that often enough, and desire becomes your master.
00:30:40.559 --> 00:30:43.200
It's the same, the same thing.
00:30:43.279 --> 00:30:45.440
It just reminded me slavery of the mind.
00:30:45.759 --> 00:30:46.079
Yes.
00:30:46.240 --> 00:30:50.400
So I should stop eating Nutella out of the jar every night.
00:30:50.720 --> 00:30:52.640
No, no, no, no one said to do that.
00:30:52.799 --> 00:30:53.200
Carry on.
00:30:53.359 --> 00:30:55.519
Because I don't want Nutella to be the master.
00:30:55.759 --> 00:30:57.519
Nutella is the master already.
00:30:57.920 --> 00:30:59.039
Actually, let's be honest.
00:30:59.200 --> 00:31:00.480
Nutella is the boss.
00:31:00.720 --> 00:31:01.279
It's right.
00:31:01.680 --> 00:31:10.480
You have to be a master to your own emotions and not allow the emotions to be the master to you, pretty much.
00:31:10.720 --> 00:31:10.880
Yeah.
00:31:11.039 --> 00:31:11.680
And you know what?
00:31:11.839 --> 00:31:14.720
That's such a it's such a learning curve, right?
00:31:14.799 --> 00:31:16.079
To to let that happen.
00:31:16.240 --> 00:31:19.680
And kind of going back to, I don't know, 10 minutes ago.
00:31:19.920 --> 00:31:22.880
Oh, I love my ADD, I swear.
00:31:23.200 --> 00:31:31.839
But I think a lot of us in that breakup space feel like we have to do everything instantly, like right then and there.
00:31:32.000 --> 00:31:34.480
Oh, they texted me, I got a reply right away.
00:31:34.640 --> 00:31:36.880
Oh, they did this, I got to reply right away.
00:31:37.119 --> 00:31:41.759
And I realize that right away is our enemy.
00:31:41.920 --> 00:31:57.440
Like, I need I need a few minutes to sit with me and see where I'm at and see what my body is feeling, what emotions are showing up for me, and then find a calm place from which I might want to respond.
00:31:57.599 --> 00:31:59.359
I might not, I don't know.
00:31:59.680 --> 00:32:08.720
But the right-of-way is, I think that that's the biggest enemy of relationships or the post-breakup space as well.
00:32:09.039 --> 00:32:24.400
It's one of the things that creates more damage than repair because we are acting from a place of desperation, which means our brain is going to make us want to say things that the brain thinks is going to bring some sort of peace.
00:32:24.480 --> 00:32:27.839
So we're not really thinking, we're really just reacting.
00:32:28.079 --> 00:32:33.680
So it's always best, again, to take some space and breathe.
00:32:33.920 --> 00:32:44.000
I often say to clients, if you are feeling any sort of overwhelming emotion, if it's too intense, that is not a time to do anything.
00:32:44.240 --> 00:32:52.079
And you have to think of it this way: do I want to risk saying or doing something right now and creating more damage?
00:32:52.559 --> 00:33:00.720
Or can I sacrifice some goddamn time, sit back a little bit, and the chances of repair would be much higher.
00:33:00.960 --> 00:33:07.440
Anxiously attached people, they have a way of breaking a ton of boundaries when they're overwhelmed.
00:33:07.519 --> 00:33:11.680
And they don't realize that it's it's you're breaking someone's boundary.
00:33:11.759 --> 00:33:33.839
And if you're dealing with a secure or an avoidant attached person, and you show up at their place, you show up at their workplace, you send them flowers, you you drive past their house, or you do anything of that sort, they start to think you're becoming emotionally unstable.
00:33:34.960 --> 00:33:43.359
And they don't know what you would be capable of when you're in that heightened emotional state or dysregulated.
00:33:44.319 --> 00:33:47.680
So they're it's not gonna build trust at all.
00:33:47.839 --> 00:33:54.079
That's a time when most humans will say, Oh my god, no, this looks a little scary and crazy.
00:33:54.319 --> 00:33:56.079
You call your friends, what are they gonna say?
00:33:56.160 --> 00:33:59.839
If you say, Oh, you know, I just saw my ex, he's passing by my house.
00:34:00.000 --> 00:34:01.839
Oh my god, is the door locked?
00:34:02.319 --> 00:34:03.839
Yeah, all the likes are crazy.
00:34:04.079 --> 00:34:05.839
It's like this is this is not okay.
00:34:06.000 --> 00:34:10.719
So, you know, if you're thinking that, oh my god, I I'm just showing this person how much I care.
00:34:11.119 --> 00:34:13.840
No, that's not what they're seeing.
00:34:14.960 --> 00:34:20.079
I think if if you're an anxiously person, it's looking at us and going, right, I'm gonna make a choice.
00:34:20.320 --> 00:34:23.039
From now on, I'm gonna respond, not react.
00:34:23.920 --> 00:34:28.719
So it's it and it and then you and then the challenge is to recognize when you get the urge to react.
00:34:29.119 --> 00:34:30.159
No, no, this is the moment.
00:34:30.239 --> 00:34:31.840
This is now, this is my challenge.
00:34:32.400 --> 00:34:33.039
Don't react.
00:34:34.880 --> 00:34:35.599
Take a beat.
00:34:36.079 --> 00:34:37.360
And choose how you want to respond.
00:34:37.519 --> 00:34:48.559
I mean, that's not as easy as said than done, but that's the practice, in my opinion, is is that yeah, you know, that that you set your almost set it as a challenge to yourself who go, right?
00:34:48.880 --> 00:34:49.920
I'm not gonna be that guy.
00:34:50.000 --> 00:34:53.039
I I want to be, I always want to respond from there on.
00:34:53.199 --> 00:34:54.800
I want to respond, I don't want to react.
00:34:55.039 --> 00:34:57.280
Well, it is it is not an easy thing to do.
00:34:57.599 --> 00:35:02.159
I was that person who would respond right away, call right away.
00:35:02.320 --> 00:35:04.159
I remember went through a breakup.
00:35:04.320 --> 00:35:06.719
Oh no, I just went over to talk to him.
00:35:06.880 --> 00:35:16.480
And you go over, you you you think that by meeting this person and talking to them, you could convince them why they should stay in the relationship.
00:35:16.639 --> 00:35:23.199
There is this belief that if I could just see them and sit with them, they're going to change their mind.
00:35:23.360 --> 00:35:31.840
And I that comes from that comes from getting proof that it does happen, right?
00:35:32.079 --> 00:35:46.320
When you sit in front of an avoidant attached person and you try to convince them to stay in the relationship, what happens in their mind is, oh my God, I gotta say yes, or this person's not gonna stop.
00:35:46.800 --> 00:35:48.639
I'm I'm just going to say yes.
00:35:48.800 --> 00:35:54.239
And they say the thing that you need to hear so that you could shut up because it's just so overwhelming.
00:35:54.400 --> 00:36:01.760
And they know you're not gonna stop, but it's not because they've had time to think clearly and make that decision on their own.
00:36:02.000 --> 00:36:05.360
There, it's the people pleasing that's that's popping in.
00:36:05.519 --> 00:36:12.159
It's the maybe I'm making a mistake, and maybe this person is right, and I just want this discomfort to go away.
00:36:12.320 --> 00:36:14.719
And what happens two to three days after?
00:36:14.960 --> 00:36:24.239
They say yes, let's work on this, they start pulling away again because they've never taken the time, they never had the space to make that decision on their own.
00:36:24.559 --> 00:36:45.280
Controlling how to respond and react was one of the most difficult things for me to do, and it took hours, hours of in the center of my bed and just not touching my phone or not responding to his text when he responded when he reached out.
00:36:45.519 --> 00:36:46.880
But it's not easy.
00:36:47.119 --> 00:37:02.000
You start with five minutes and then you grow to 10 minutes and you push and you push until you could you you have a better understanding of your body and how it reacts, and there's just knowing that nothing bad's gonna happen.
00:37:02.239 --> 00:37:02.639
Yeah.
00:37:02.880 --> 00:37:14.639
But see, that's funny because for me, when my avoidance I kicks in, I have done this where I would physically toss my phone across the room because I I'm not ready to respond.
00:37:14.800 --> 00:37:19.199
Like it's okay, like I would toss it across the room so it's nowhere near me.
00:37:19.360 --> 00:37:21.840
I don't have to look at it, I don't have to process.
00:37:22.159 --> 00:37:26.639
Okay, well, little darlings who are listening to this, you don't have to toss your phone.
00:37:28.719 --> 00:37:31.039
What we do, well, you could try what I've done.
00:37:31.199 --> 00:37:33.119
I have put people on mute.
00:37:33.760 --> 00:37:43.760
I've put people on mute, and that was the time when I started to when I started to really pay attention to absolutely everything coming towards me.
00:37:43.840 --> 00:37:49.519
So in the past, I've I've I realized that the news was very disturbing to my spirit.
00:37:49.679 --> 00:37:52.480
So I stopped watching the news years ago.
00:37:52.719 --> 00:37:58.079
And then with the phone, one day I decided it's really nice when it's silent.
00:37:58.639 --> 00:38:03.760
So it's always on silent unless it's one of my kids, and then it's on bypass.
00:38:04.000 --> 00:38:07.760
I love that we all pay thousands of dollars for these phone relaxes.
00:38:08.159 --> 00:38:09.599
I like when you're quiet.
00:38:09.760 --> 00:38:11.199
Yes, always on silent.
00:38:11.280 --> 00:38:12.480
My phone is always on silent.
00:38:13.280 --> 00:38:21.519
Honestly, for me personally, because of like my work, work, and then I have a couple of side things going on.
00:38:22.639 --> 00:38:24.559
It has become a boundary.
00:38:24.880 --> 00:38:31.920
And holy smokes, do I love the ability to mute certain notifications, certain group chats?
00:38:32.079 --> 00:38:50.239
You know, it just it is then on my time when I'm emotionally or physically capable of like, let me go into this and look what I need to look at, versus being constantly bombarded with notifications and sounds and you know, pop-ups on my phone.
00:38:50.320 --> 00:38:57.199
And it's been life-changing to set that boundary for my peace in a day-to-day life.
00:38:57.599 --> 00:39:07.280
Well, I think what happens with the phone and people who are going through a breakup, especially if they don't want the breakup, even if they do claim to want the breakup, you still want to know that the other person cares about you.
00:39:07.440 --> 00:39:09.519
So you keep checking the phone.
00:39:09.760 --> 00:39:16.960
What I would advise people to do who are struggling with this is set aside a time when you're going to look at the phone.
00:39:17.199 --> 00:39:24.960
Try not to get into the habit and train your mind to look at it every two minutes or every three minutes because you're going to be fixated on it.
00:39:25.039 --> 00:39:29.679
You're you're not going to be able to look at or focus on anything else.
00:39:29.840 --> 00:39:45.760
So just I find just telling your yourself, letting your brain know that you're you are going to attend to the thing stops you from reacting every two minutes to something.
00:39:46.000 --> 00:39:46.320
Right.
00:39:46.480 --> 00:39:48.800
So just tell yourself, I'm going to look at the phone.
00:39:49.119 --> 00:39:51.679
There's nothing that we need to talk about right now.
00:39:51.920 --> 00:39:56.079
If they said they want me back, they're still going to tell me that they want me back seven minutes from now.
00:39:56.159 --> 00:39:57.599
That's not going to change.
00:39:57.920 --> 00:40:03.840
But train yourself to not be pulled in all sorts of directions.
00:40:04.159 --> 00:40:16.159
When you're going through a breakup, you have got to be incredibly vigilant of you every action because every action adds to a sort of stress on your body.
00:40:16.320 --> 00:40:28.000
And the more stress your body goes through, the harder it is for your mind to process information properly so that you could respond in a way that you would be proud of.
00:40:28.400 --> 00:40:36.480
I would also say just kind of being kind of somewhat guarded with who you give your energy to during this particular time, right?
00:40:36.639 --> 00:40:40.320
Because obviously all the friends and family are going to gather around you.
00:40:40.559 --> 00:40:52.079
And we want to believe that they'll have your best interest at heart, and they most likely do, but that doesn't automatically mean they will give you the right or good advice, right?
00:40:52.239 --> 00:41:02.960
So once you realize that someone is maybe a little bit of like an energy vampire, or you know, on day three of a breakup, they're telling you to move on and get yourself out there.
00:41:03.199 --> 00:41:06.639
Well, I'm sorry, how is that healthy, grandma?
00:41:06.800 --> 00:41:07.599
Whoever.
00:41:07.920 --> 00:41:20.239
So just kind of like realizing that it's okay to set those boundaries with your friends and family so you can be in a bit of a protective cocoon when you recuperate, because that's what it is.
00:41:20.320 --> 00:41:24.079
You're recuperating from whatever just freaking happened.
00:41:25.119 --> 00:41:33.519
And you also get to tell people that you know, while they might have their opinions of this person, they may not think highly of the person.
00:41:33.760 --> 00:41:52.159
It is not information they need to share with you to let people know that you know, even if you saw the person to be a jerk and not deserving of your love and your time, you still care about that person, you still love that person, you're still hurt about it, you know, about the breakup.
00:41:52.400 --> 00:41:57.039
And you get to say to people, I would like for you to sit with me.
00:41:57.360 --> 00:42:02.000
However, I would really appreciate it if we don't talk about this.
00:42:02.880 --> 00:42:07.119
We don't talk about this and go through this grieving process by yourself.
00:42:07.280 --> 00:42:09.599
You don't need anybody's opinions at this moment.
00:42:09.760 --> 00:42:16.079
Nobody knows what this relationship meant to you, what it did for you.
00:42:17.119 --> 00:42:21.440
Yeah, I think that's that is definitely a big problem.
00:42:22.079 --> 00:42:24.800
They're gonna break up is outside influence.
00:42:25.360 --> 00:42:27.199
Because you are searching for answers.
00:42:27.280 --> 00:42:43.920
You're you know, you you're grief stricken, you don't know, you're questioning yourself, you're questioning everything that's happened, and you tend to seek counsel around you, but that advice is very, very rarely good for you.
00:42:44.159 --> 00:42:44.880
Very rarely.
00:42:45.039 --> 00:43:01.039
You get the odd and the odd really good friend who will just let you talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and not try and swallow you and not pass judgment, and they are rare, and they're the ones to hold on to, and they're the they're the real friends, but then you'll get the other people who there's lots of things.
00:43:01.119 --> 00:43:10.800
If like it's uh a couple friend, they have uh they have an ulterior motive that they don't want you to break up, they want you to get back together because you're their couple friends.
00:43:10.880 --> 00:43:16.000
You're you know what happens if no, if you if if you go, then what happens to our dynamic?
00:43:16.079 --> 00:43:23.840
And then you get people who just didn't like them and try and steer you away, and then you get the people that do like it.
00:43:24.000 --> 00:43:29.280
It's never it's not all always what it seems when you're getting outside advice.
00:43:29.360 --> 00:43:34.239
And I think it confuses the issue a lot, and I think that can be a big problem.
00:43:34.480 --> 00:43:46.239
A huge problem with breakups is outside influence, and when you're vulnerable and you're looking for answers, you will latch onto anything, and you're getting lots of different inputs, and it just confuses the whole issue.
00:43:46.320 --> 00:43:54.400
So, yeah, those friends who just sit and listen and not pass judgment and not tell you what to do, they're they're the good ones, they're the rare ones, and they're the ones who you want to do.
00:43:54.559 --> 00:43:55.440
Well, those are friends.
00:43:55.519 --> 00:43:57.599
That's that's a definitely friendship.
00:43:58.400 --> 00:43:59.360
It it it's true though.
00:44:00.159 --> 00:44:02.559
Find out who your friends are when you go through a breakup.
00:44:02.800 --> 00:44:03.440
You really do.
00:44:03.599 --> 00:44:06.480
And they always come to the most unexpected place.
00:44:06.880 --> 00:44:08.079
It's never the people you expect.
00:44:08.159 --> 00:44:10.239
And that's Cliche, it's true.
00:44:10.800 --> 00:44:20.239
What I find in the practice is that there are a lot of people coming to me with, you know, my friend and her partner are so good together.
00:44:20.320 --> 00:44:25.840
And they're comparing what they have with what their friends and their families got.
00:44:25.920 --> 00:44:31.760
And then you work with them a few weeks, and then you start to hear, oh, they're not as perfect as I thought they were.
00:44:31.920 --> 00:44:32.719
They have trouble.
00:44:32.880 --> 00:44:34.800
Yes, everybody's got an issue.
00:44:34.960 --> 00:44:38.079
Your relationship is going to be unique.
00:44:38.480 --> 00:44:57.840
It's unique from the relationship you had with an ex and they had with an ex, and a relate unique from what you've ever seen because they're you're two different individuals that are coming together with your essence, and you cannot compare it with somebody else's relationship.
00:44:58.079 --> 00:45:04.000
Yes, he might be a gentleman, and she might just be the perfect lady out in public.
00:45:04.159 --> 00:45:05.519
That's what you're seeing.
00:45:05.760 --> 00:45:08.480
But we don't know what's happening behind closed doors.
00:45:08.639 --> 00:45:11.760
People can put on an act, they could put on a performance.
00:45:12.000 --> 00:45:18.559
So and comparing your partner with somebody else's relationship just makes them feel crappy.
00:45:18.719 --> 00:45:20.880
Nobody likes to be compared.
00:45:21.280 --> 00:45:26.239
No, it's causing a lot of the comparison, the I don't have enough.
00:45:26.480 --> 00:45:28.719
I don't have what social media says I should.
00:45:28.800 --> 00:45:30.239
And then there's the other issue.
00:45:30.400 --> 00:45:34.639
People are coming with, they're confused now as to what a relationship should be like.
00:45:34.800 --> 00:45:36.079
What should it look like?
00:45:36.320 --> 00:45:37.840
You get to choose.
00:45:38.400 --> 00:45:40.320
You are the creator of your life.
00:45:40.480 --> 00:45:43.599
You get to choose what the relationship is going to look like.
00:45:43.760 --> 00:45:46.880
You get to choose what your healing is going to look like.
00:45:47.199 --> 00:45:51.599
We, I mean, even the three of us, we're really just giving you an opinion.
00:45:51.760 --> 00:45:53.119
It's very generalized.
00:45:53.199 --> 00:45:55.840
We don't know exactly what you're dealing with.
00:45:56.079 --> 00:45:58.320
But you know, we're talking about breathing exercises.
00:45:58.400 --> 00:45:59.599
That works for everyone.
00:45:59.840 --> 00:46:05.599
Some of you may want to check with your doctors because we don't know if you should be doing deep breathing exercises.
00:46:06.079 --> 00:46:12.800
Learning how to manage your emotions before responding, reacting, that can work for everyone.
00:46:12.880 --> 00:46:24.800
But when it comes to what your relationship should look like, that is dependent solely on what you need as an individual to live a happy, fulfilling life on this planet.
00:46:25.199 --> 00:46:28.239
Basically, that comparison thing you were just talking about.
00:46:28.559 --> 00:46:42.159
And it starts off with a couple who seem to be perfect, they run a country club, and on the surface, they're perfect, and they're just not, and it's absolute chaos and just carnage underneath, and it all unravels.
00:46:42.800 --> 00:46:48.639
And the young couple who initially looked up to them end up being there in the future.
00:46:48.719 --> 00:46:53.119
It's kind of it's it's quite uh can't remember what it's called.
00:46:53.280 --> 00:46:55.840
I'll have to I will find out what that's called.
00:46:56.320 --> 00:46:57.360
Well, you're perfect.
00:46:57.599 --> 00:47:00.239
Life is messy, life is meant to be messy.
00:47:00.320 --> 00:47:13.519
We only get to live one, as far as we know, because you know, so make it messy, make it count, make it I don't know, fix the relationship, fix whatever issue you're having, try again, try harder, do better.
00:47:13.679 --> 00:47:16.719
Don't stuff in a garbage, you know.
00:47:17.119 --> 00:47:30.800
It is all such a gray area, and that's the thing, that's one of the things I've learned is that you know, you grow, I think you grow up with an idealized view of what a relationship is that's got even worse through social media, because comparison is the thief of joy, as they say.
00:47:30.960 --> 00:47:42.559
Yeah, and when your relationship's not meeting what you thought it should be, from your whatever experiences you've had, you think, oh, well, it it's not meant to be.
00:47:42.880 --> 00:47:48.000
The other thing is people think that all secure attached people are looking for serious relationships.
00:47:48.239 --> 00:48:00.800
No, they know that they might be at a time in their life when they can't handle a serious relationship, where they're not ready to give that time and effort that a serious relationship needs.
00:48:01.360 --> 00:48:07.280
And when they're looking for a partner, they're looking for someone who could meet them where they're at right now.
00:48:07.519 --> 00:48:13.679
They may have a career if they need someone who can appreciate the time that that career is going to take up.
00:48:14.159 --> 00:48:26.400
And they may have, may not want children, and they're looking for someone who will be able to accept that, who's who's in alignment with that, not someone who is going to say, but maybe you do want children, or maybe later on will.
00:48:26.880 --> 00:48:31.119
No, you say that to a secure attached person, they see it as a red flag.
00:48:31.440 --> 00:48:36.800
You're not hearing me, you're not trying to understand me, you're not respecting me.
00:48:36.960 --> 00:48:38.159
That's a red flag.
00:48:38.320 --> 00:48:50.320
So the difference with secure attached people and and the others is this is an individual who knows themselves and they know what they want their lives to look like on this planet for the most part.
00:48:50.800 --> 00:48:52.000
For the most part.
00:48:52.239 --> 00:48:52.880
Yeah.
00:48:53.519 --> 00:48:53.840
Yeah.
00:48:54.079 --> 00:49:02.639
No, I think you hit the nail on the head when with that little summary right there, you know, just kind of knowing what you want and and finding the right person.
00:49:02.880 --> 00:49:06.239
And that's that's the magic solution right there.
00:49:06.400 --> 00:49:08.000
That's the recipe for success.
00:49:08.159 --> 00:49:10.800
You know what you want, and you're out to get it.
00:49:10.960 --> 00:49:14.000
They know what they want, and then you communicate.
00:49:14.480 --> 00:49:17.760
Someone chooses to end the relationship with you.
00:49:17.920 --> 00:49:25.119
It's really, I know it's painful, and we tend to think that something's wrong with me, and that's why they're not choosing me.
00:49:25.360 --> 00:49:29.599
They're choosing themselves, and it doesn't mean that they're they're selfish.
00:49:29.840 --> 00:49:38.559
It means that they're able to see that what they envision in their lives, you're not the right person for them.
00:49:38.719 --> 00:49:54.400
And they could very well stay there and try to change you and make you into what they want, which is not fair to you, or they can do something that is going to be painful to both of you, but walk away and give you both a chance.
00:49:54.639 --> 00:50:06.320
Sometimes it's just hard for people to work on their healing, and they want to meet somebody who's at their level, you know, they and going at their pace.
00:50:06.559 --> 00:50:09.679
It's never, I I really wish I knew this earlier.
00:50:09.840 --> 00:50:15.519
I took it so personally in the past when people left our relationship.
00:50:15.840 --> 00:50:39.199
I've had really close friends who just dropped off, you know, other people that I've dated who tried and and for whatever reason could not stay in a relationship, or not could not be happy, even though they tried to stay in a relationship because of outside circumstance, family, religion, all sorts of reasons.
00:50:39.519 --> 00:50:43.920
They just couldn't be wholly happy in the relationship.
00:50:44.079 --> 00:50:53.920
And you know, my my previous relationship, that was one that I looked at this man and said, wait a second, this is no way for you to live life.
00:50:54.239 --> 00:50:56.079
You're trying to be with me.
00:50:56.480 --> 00:51:00.719
There are family members who don't agree with it, don't support it.
00:51:00.960 --> 00:51:04.719
You feel torn between your family and me and all of it.
00:51:04.960 --> 00:51:09.440
It's like, this is no way for you to live life, and definitely not fair to me.
00:51:09.679 --> 00:51:11.679
So I'm gonna have to let you go.
00:51:11.840 --> 00:51:14.400
And hopefully you could find your happiness.
00:51:14.880 --> 00:51:16.559
We do take it personally, don't we?
00:51:16.719 --> 00:51:22.639
As rule for most of us, when you go through a breakup, you you take it personally.
00:51:22.719 --> 00:51:24.800
You know, you'd look inwards and what's wrong with me?
00:51:24.960 --> 00:51:27.280
You you don't, and I think that is, you know.
00:51:28.480 --> 00:51:32.880
And sometimes, you know, we asked the question, why didn't you choose me or why don't you choose me?
00:51:33.039 --> 00:51:35.280
Sometimes they're not choosing themselves.
00:51:35.679 --> 00:51:35.920
No.
00:51:36.639 --> 00:51:44.159
Sometimes you are an incredible partner, really great partner, but they're feeling inadequate.
00:51:44.480 --> 00:51:54.800
Like they can't measure up, and they choose themselves if they choose a good person, they choose you to be their partner, but they're unable to do it.
00:51:55.440 --> 00:51:56.559
Yeah, right.
00:51:57.119 --> 00:52:15.519
Oh, that's not all to be like hopeless and whatnot, because I I do like for me, I know personally, as as much as I hate to say what I'm about to say, maybe this needed to happen.
00:52:15.599 --> 00:52:17.039
Oh my god, I'm choking.
00:52:17.199 --> 00:52:25.360
Um maybe this needed to happen so I could figure out truly what I want as well, right?
00:52:25.519 --> 00:52:35.840
Because he was saying, This is what I want, this is what I want for us, and I was in the I was my oblivious little fearful avoidant going, I don't know, I don't know.
00:52:36.000 --> 00:52:47.440
Like I wanted, I I didn't know because I wanted to make my family happy, my friends happy, and my person obviously happy, and then I wanted to hold on to happiness for me too.
00:52:47.519 --> 00:52:53.280
But that led to me truly not knowing what the hell I wanted, right?
00:52:53.920 --> 00:52:59.519
So poof, and my person who meant the world to me has gone poof.
00:53:00.320 --> 00:53:07.440
But now that he's poof, I'm sitting here with all those emotions and feelings and sitting here thinking, what do I want?
00:53:07.599 --> 00:53:12.880
Because I no longer give a crap about pleasing my friends or my family to a certain degree, right?
00:53:13.039 --> 00:53:16.639
There's still family, but what do I want?
00:53:16.719 --> 00:53:21.679
And what do I want for the future of my family that I would be building with this person?
00:53:22.239 --> 00:53:27.119
And now I can see that, oh wow, the things he said, I do want them too.
00:53:27.280 --> 00:53:29.039
I just I just didn't see it.
00:53:29.199 --> 00:53:33.599
I didn't see that vision then because I was not in a place to see it.
00:53:33.840 --> 00:53:39.199
I needed to get through what I went through to be able to see that vision.
00:53:39.519 --> 00:53:42.480
Does it guarantee success down the road?
00:53:42.800 --> 00:53:45.920
No, but at least I know what I'm looking for.
00:53:46.320 --> 00:53:46.880
Yeah.
00:53:47.119 --> 00:53:54.800
I remember when I went through a breakup, it was always, you know, he would say, Oh, this is not what I want, and this is what I want, and all of it.
00:53:55.119 --> 00:54:02.079
And I was just listening, taking in that information of what he wanted and wondering, can it work?
00:54:02.239 --> 00:54:05.679
And I never stopped to ask myself, what do I want?
00:54:06.239 --> 00:54:11.119
The breakup happened, and I sat there and I was so angry.
00:54:11.760 --> 00:54:14.639
And I said, How dare you to myself?
00:54:14.880 --> 00:54:25.920
I'm saying it to him, but to myself, how dare you sit there, tell me you need this and you need that, and I'm feeling like I'm crap here.
00:54:26.639 --> 00:54:32.719
Like you, it's probably not your intention, but I'm feeling like crap in this corner.
00:54:32.960 --> 00:54:35.599
What about me and my needs?
00:54:36.000 --> 00:54:40.559
And then I realize, oh, he didn't know because I didn't complain.
00:54:40.800 --> 00:54:41.199
I didn't know.
00:54:41.280 --> 00:54:42.719
Yeah, you didn't communicate.
00:54:43.360 --> 00:54:47.199
Yeah, so here he is thinking he's all perfect.
00:54:47.440 --> 00:54:50.960
I'm chasing after him, he's perfect.
00:54:51.599 --> 00:54:53.039
Nothing to be said.
00:54:53.679 --> 00:55:00.719
When he came back, I was like, no, no, no, darling, no, no, these are my needs, and I'm not sure if you could give it to me.
00:55:00.800 --> 00:55:10.159
And so that's where we start to work things out, and you know, as as I do in all of my relationships now, it just works from day to day to day.
00:55:10.239 --> 00:55:11.840
You don't know what's gonna happen.
00:55:12.079 --> 00:55:19.599
You don't know what's gonna happen, but you keep it, you know, you be honest with yourself and the person who's with you.
00:55:19.920 --> 00:55:23.039
These are my needs, and I'm hearing what your needs are.
00:55:23.360 --> 00:55:24.719
Can I meet your needs?
00:55:24.880 --> 00:55:36.559
Some of them no, some of them I can, but I'm not gonna, you know, lie or BS or play around or contort myself so that somebody else is gonna be happy either.
00:55:36.800 --> 00:55:55.199
So, and these are the things that breakup really helps us if we can learn to pause and sit instead of running to a distraction or you know, like trying to forget this pain or trying to go through the the no contact, but only sitting there hoping for the part person to come back.
00:55:55.360 --> 00:56:04.320
If we could just sit with ourselves and look at how we showed up for ourselves and a relationship, what can we do differently?
00:56:04.880 --> 00:56:09.119
Not not so we could go back and fix it, but we could grow.
00:56:09.599 --> 00:56:16.000
We can grow a personal thing, not oh, I wish I didn't say this because it hurt his feelings and this is what caused a breakup.
00:56:16.079 --> 00:56:23.440
No, it's how could I have shown up more authentically instead of stifling my feelings?
00:56:23.679 --> 00:56:26.960
I'm not patient, I wasn't patient.
00:56:27.519 --> 00:56:31.599
No, I was suffocating my feelings, big difference.
00:56:31.920 --> 00:56:33.280
Sounds familiar.
00:56:34.320 --> 00:56:44.480
Well, the thing is when you're showing up authentically, I am yet to have a person not understand me when I truly speak from the bottom of my heart.
00:56:44.719 --> 00:56:53.440
They might not be, they might not understand, like, oh, this is not how I see the world, but they understand the emotion or the feeling that I'm talking about.
00:56:53.599 --> 00:56:57.119
And that's where the communication starts, really, right?
00:56:58.000 --> 00:57:01.440
Just us feeling like it's okay to voice our needs.
00:57:01.679 --> 00:57:04.880
And and it's not just like, oh, I want Thai food for dinner.
00:57:05.199 --> 00:57:05.519
No.
00:57:06.159 --> 00:57:10.000
This has been an episode of Decoding Attachment Styles.
00:57:10.320 --> 00:57:11.599
Thank you so much for tuning in.
00:57:11.679 --> 00:57:16.800
Don't forget to share it with your friends and your family, and just share it out there.
00:57:16.880 --> 00:57:19.599
We never could tell who this is going to help.
00:57:19.760 --> 00:57:22.239
We all go through breakups and they suck.
00:57:22.559 --> 00:57:24.880
Leave your comment or a review.
00:57:25.039 --> 00:57:32.079
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