Andrew Breitbart + Dian Hanson (Carolla Classics)

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Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni.
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This is the podcast where we put the.
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Best moments and highlights on fans-selected clips from all 16
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years of The Adam Corolla Show. We have a companion
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podcast titled Corolla Classics. You can find the ad-free archives
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available through podcast and one premium. You can also find
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ad-free archives for The Adam Corolla Show, The Adam and Dr.
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Drew Show, and exclusive access to Adam's new show, Beat
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It Out, through his sub stack at adamkrola.substack.com.
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Make sure to check it out and subscribe.
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And if you'd like to request a clip, please email us,
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classics at adamkrola.com. Now, note on that, we cannot play
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anything from Old Loveline, nor the KLSX Adam Krola Morning Show,
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unless it first played on the podcast, and Adam did
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commentary about that clip at that moment. So certain things
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that's happened with, like the Ann Coulter hang-up, some famous
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Loveline moments, Holocaust call, a couple other things. But for
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the most part, That stuff can never be played as
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clips on classics. If you'd like to hear any of
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that stuff or have any other questions, please find me
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at patreon.com slash Giovanni. That's where I handle all those
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other questions for shows and things that can't be put
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in this feed. All right, let's get to the clips.
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Coming up first, we have Adam Carolla's show, 565, Andrew Breitbart,
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James Blunt, 2011.
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Check it out.
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James Blunt, and now, sending a message to the fat
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cats in Washington.
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Adam Carolla. Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on.
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No choice but to get it on. Mandate. Get it on.
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Thank you all. Thank you for listening. Doing a little
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one-on-one with James Blunt, Andrew Breitbart today. First, my damn channel.
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These guys are doing what we do. My buddy Rob
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started his own channel. Got escanned from CBS Radio about
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a year before I did, probably because he hired me.
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And he said, I'm not going back to work for
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VH1 or MTV. I'm starting my own channel. MyDamnChannel.com delivers
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the best original comedy online. They've got big talent. None
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of the Hollywood bullshit. They don't get in front of
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the artists and stop them from being great. Andrew, I
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was saying that to somebody today. Actually, I was saying
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it last night. I was talking to Dr. Drew. I said,
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my book, my independent movie... My live shows and my
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podcast are what people seem to like for me the most.
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And what is the common thread in all those things?
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Independence?
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Yes.
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Nobody standing around going, you know what, I'd like to
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micromanage what you're thinking.
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Well, that's my business model, too.
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The second I get around somebody that tells me how
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to do it, I'm not me anymore.
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I will listen to smart people and their opinions. The
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problem is most aren't, and they're not opinions. They force
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them up your took guy. My Damn Channel's got a
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new series. See, like the bounce back and forth between
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the guest and the actual commercial. Well, it's not a commercial.
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I use the product, too.
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It's a friend. That's right. My Damn Channel. They got
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a new series called Versailles. It stars Patricia Heaton, David Hunt.
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He's Patty's husband, actually. Fred Willard and William H. Macy.
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Not bad.
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I've seen it.
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It's good. Yeah.
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Very dark.
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Very twisted. Very twisted. Lots of clips, lots of riffs,
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lots of really cool stuff. I've been watching it online,
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enjoying the hell out of it. Go to MyDamnChannel.com now
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and find them on Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube. So, Andrew,
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I was just enjoying you on real time just a
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couple days ago, I guess it was.
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Yeah, with John Waters, one of my heroes. A hero
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I'm not supposed to have.
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You know what's weird? I didn't know that much about... Well, let's...
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You and I agree on a lot of issues, but
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I don't know if John Waters is one of them.
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I have read... What's his book? Cracked? Crackpot. Crackpot. Read that.
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Thought it was amusing. I was like 23. I think
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he's an interesting guy. I think his movies suck.
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Yeah.
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Crackpot the Obsessions.
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Do his movies suck or not?
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No, I think Pecker and Serial Mom is one of
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the best comedies I've ever seen.
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Really?
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Oh, it's brilliant.
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You ever see Defending Your Life?
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Yeah, yeah, with Albert Brooks.
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You're not going to say Serial Mom is better than
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Defending Your Life.
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Serial Mom was sublime.
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It was unbelievably good.
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And Pecker is fantastic. It's the origin of the term
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teabagging into the common vernacular.
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Well, I get to see my feeling... With him, he's
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not funny, and thus he's kitschy. When I see a
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guy who's kitschy, I see a guy who's not funny,
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who puts on something.
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Oh, my God.
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I couldn't disagree with you more.
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Don't you think it's more horrible movies than good movies?
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Well, I don't think Multiple Maniacs was meant to be
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good cinema. I think it was meant, here's what was
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so great about his movies as a conservative, is that
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He knew what the fine line was in decent society
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in the 1950s. And people like to kind of walk
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that fine line and see maybe tap their toe over
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that fine line.
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His movies recognize that there's a fine line.
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And then he went a thousand miles over it and
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did the most repulsive, gross things ever. And the country,
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I believe, needed that. It was funny. It was cathartic.
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Now the problem is that the people that copy him
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just do gross to be gross. And it almost seems
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like they want to make that normative behavior. So I
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think that he just has a great time with the
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conventions of middle-class society. And fortunately, middle-class society has moved
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so far to gross and pathetic behavior. that there's almost
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nothing funny about what John Waters was doing when at
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one point it was funny just to be doing it,
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just to be doing it.
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It was funny. My assistant fished a huge hairball of
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my wife's hair out of the sink today. They'd been
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clogging the sink for about six months. I don't know
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what's up with chicks, but they just shed and there
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was blow drying their hair and then the sink backs
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up and then they just stare at it and they
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live with it. And eventually he fished it out with a,
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They actually used a snake. And then he took a
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picture of it and he said, you want to see it?
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It's gross. And I said, no. And he said, but
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don't you want to see it? I said, not into it.
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Like not. I don't really want to see Osama bin
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Laden's blown open head. Like I'm not. Here's my thing.
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If I can't beat off to it or eat it.
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I don't want to see it. Okay. That's the way
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I want it.
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So you don't see faces of death as a teenager?
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No.
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I'm not interested. I feel like I have enough negative
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things running through my mind. You know what I mean?
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Well, now that I'm an adult, I have to admit
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that I don't go out of my way to see
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John Waters, Pink Flamingos, polyester, multiple maniacs. But there was
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a place and a time for it.
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Sure.
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Like midnight in.
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College at the– The College Theater.
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Righteous Indignation is the name of the book. Excuse me
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while I save the world. Andrew Breitbart is here. He's
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got himself a website. It is breitbart.com. And Andrew, what's
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the gist of the book? I've not read it. I
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just saw it today. Oh, boy.
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The gist of the book, the reason why, first of all,
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it took me seven months to come up with the
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title and six months to write it. I'm proud of
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the title because I found myself in a natural position
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of defending the Tea Party because I knew that the
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mainstream media was going to attack it mercilessly. And they
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just impugned their motives the second that they stood out
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there and said, we want lower taxes.
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We want fiscal responsibility. We're for the Constitution. I said, uh-oh.
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The mainstream media is going to attack these people.
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And then they did.
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They called them racist. They called them violent. I started
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to defend them. And I just didn't understand these people.
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If you listen to what they have to say, they
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want to fix the country. They want to. They're just
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your aunts and your uncles, your mothers and your fathers.
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And they're being perfectly reasonable. But the mainstream media came
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out there and started to attack them. And this book
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was my transformation to a great extent from being a
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protector of and defender of the Tea Party to actually
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realizing I was one of them. And I think that
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these people are actually helping to save the world. So
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this is about my travels through new media and how
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effective strategies of taking on the mainstream media, my battles
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against the mainstream media are. and how the new media
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is pretty much taking over right now.
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It's a huge revolution.
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Well, why is it the second somebody says something like,
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I'd like to lower taxes, or I'd like to cut
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into the deficit and see if we could shrink that
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a little, or I'd like to beef up the border
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a little bit, or I'd like to make this country
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a little more secure around the borders. How come it
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doesn't take 10 minutes for someone to call him a racist?
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How does that work? I don't know what the correlation is.
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I know what it is, and that's in the book.
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There's one chapter, chapter six in there, that's like a
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Glenn Beck history, you know, a chalkboard. And it is
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about how the Marxists, who had tried to take over
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this country for so many years with the arguments of
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economic Marxism, who basically would try and go to the
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workers and say, hey, workers, You need to take over
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the owner. You know, he's a bad guy. And they go, no,
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I've got a widget I'm working on. I think, you know,
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I've got a nice house.
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Everything's OK.
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Our country is not susceptible to economic Marxist arguments. The
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book talks about these crazy social engineering guys from the
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Frankfurt School who emigrated from from Nazi Germany basically to
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the United States into Columbia University into UCSD. Guys like
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the name of Adorno, Horkheimer, I could get into all
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of them. And they basically translated economic Marxism from the
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haves versus the have-nots into the oppressor versus the oppressed.
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And so all the people who are leaving the humanities
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departments– I had an American studies degree– are leaving with
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this feeling there's black versus white, there's gay versus straight,
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and they're pitting people against each other. And that's what
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the leftists think. They think that if you disagree with
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Democratic Party policy, you have to be a racist, you
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have to be a sexist, you have to be a homophobe.
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And if the left are going to call people on
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the right birthers, I'm perfectly comfortable calling people on the
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left racers because every time you disagree with them, eventually they.
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Call you a racist. Yeah, it's one of these things
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where it's like an Asian kid who's really good with
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the Rubik's Cube, speaking of racists. I am a racist.
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I wear it proudly. And it takes him about three moves,
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but eventually gets to racist. And it's pretty fast.
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Right.
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It's not the first move. It doesn't come back the first,
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you know, you fire a shot, they fire back racist.
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It goes back, you volley like three times, and then
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the racist thing comes out. And then once they trot
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that out, it just hangs out. I don't understand, to
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my whole family's, a bunch of, I don't know, ex-communists,
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I don't know what, you know, just lazy fucks who
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complain about the government, who, you know, hammer welfare checks
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and all this kind of stuff. And I don't understand,
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first things, how they think things are going to work. Like,
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communism doesn't work. We did an experiment. We did a
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controlled experiment. We took a city called Berlin and we
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made a stripe through it. And it was a wall
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covered with barbed wire and machine gun nests. And one
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side of it represented communism. And the other side of
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it represented our form of government. And people were dying
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going what direction? And what side couldn't you get fresh
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bread in? And you were driving around two-stroke cars. The
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other ones, you're drinking wine and hanging out.
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It's still happening today. I mean, I was talking to
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a friend who's a Texas Rangers fan. And he was
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telling me about their new outfield prospect who's going to
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AA today. And they said he he's from Cuba and
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he defected.
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I'm like, oh, yeah, that.
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Yeah, they're prisoners.
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It's Craig.
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I go, if it's such a good society and Michael
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Moore thinks it's so great. Why are they prisoners?
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Well, first off, there's a stripe in the middle of
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a country and everyone is done. You tell me which
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direction the machine gunners are facing. Everyone is dying going
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one direction. Of course. Experiment over. Argument settled.
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But it's not.
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But it's not. And right now, everywhere I go, I'm like,
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who is it? Linus that had the black cloud over him?
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I think it was. Or Schlepprock.
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I think Schlepprock may have been from the Flintstones. Oh, teabag. No, dirtbag.
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And my current controversy happens to be... Pigpen.
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He was also in the Grateful Dead for a while.
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I'm Pigpen of controversy.
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And my current controversy hovering above me is these classes
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from the University of Missouri. Some student has come forward
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in a labor studies course, an introduction to labor studies course.
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And we have 30 hours of these tapes in which
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they're indoctrinating these kids, not just in communism. They bring
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in a guy for two hours to try and get
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them to sign up for the Communist Party. But these
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labor professors who work for the unions in negotiation with
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companies are talking about the tactics of sabotage The tactics
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of intimidating executives, following them to church, following them to
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the supermarket on the weekend and getting in their faces.
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At one point.
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On these videos, the teacher talks about her friend who
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threw a bunch of cats into a power plant so
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that the cats would get electrocuted so that the power
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plant would lose electricity. in the community, and they're teaching
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these tactics to these people, and I'm being accused as
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the bad guy who's selectively editing the videos. No, you
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are teaching communism to these kids, and that's unfortunately what
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these public sector unions who've been protesting up in Wisconsin
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are all about.
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Again, I was just yapping with somebody today. Look, I
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don't have an advanced degree by any stretch of the imagination.
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I just have common sense, which is If you're Nissan
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and you got your company in California and you're paying
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a shitload of taxes and workman's comp and everything else,
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and then Nashville says, hey, we can set you up
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over here and save you a shitload of money, then
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Nissan leaves work. California leaves Los Angeles and goes to
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Nashville and makes their headquarters there. It's pretty simple. The
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argument I always make is the film industry. I brought
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this up a million times, and I'm not reinventing this
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idea or inventing it in the first place. You have
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a group of the most leftist Tim Robbins worshipping sort
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of fucking just thumping that drum of why shouldn't people pay?
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Why shouldn't the rich pay their fair share? I love
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when they say that their fair share of taxes. And
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how come these big money makers and these rich people
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need to need to pay more and all that kind
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of stuff? And then soon as it's time. For them
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to go to work, going to Canada, going to Prague,
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going to New Mexico, going anywhere but where I live.
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They all live in Malibu. They all live in the Palisades.
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They all live in Santa Monica. Tim Robbins, why don't
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you shoot a movie in Santa Monica? You can't.
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They've screwed the pooch.
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Okay, so I'm just saying, of course, they're wild hypocrites.
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Of course, Alec Baldwin is, you know, two years ago,
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he's saying, if you raise the taxes in Manhattan, we'll
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all have to, yes, we'll all have to go out
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of Manhattan.
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Right.
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Well, now you tell a corporation that. Why don't they
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understand that?
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There was a movie about Los Angeles that came out
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about a month or two ago. Do you remember the
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one that was about the dystopia? Like the, it was just,
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you know, it was like post-apocalyptic Los Angeles.
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Yes.
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It was made in Shreveport.
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Oh, really?
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Louisiana.
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Yeah.
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How crazy is that? They've screwed the pooch. And the
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thing is, what the president.
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Why don't they admit that? Here's what I don't understand
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about these arguments. Why? These are so fundamental. And again,
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businesses aren't good or evil. They're just businesses. And if
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you let them go out of the country and they
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can save a nickel, then that's what they do. Or
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you let them go out of the state and they
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can save a dime. That's what they'll do. It's the
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same thing. The most leftist... softest Democrats on the planet
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do when it comes time for them to go to work.
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They have to leave and go to work. I mean,
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I was Brian Cranston, great dude, was on this show.
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and actually when he was done with this show, I
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drove him to the airport. I drove him to Burbank Airport.
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He said, I got a car coming to pick me up.
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I said, I'll give you a ride. It's on my
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way home, sort of. So I said, where are you going?
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And he said, I'm going to do season three of
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Breaking Bad. And I said, where's that at? And he says,
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New Mexico. And I said, it's all about the meth trade.
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Ever think about shooting that thing in Riverside or something? Riverside, California?
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Could use some work.
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Yeah, he said, originally that's where it was set. It
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was set in Riverside, California. That's what the script was.
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And I said, what's going on in New Mexico? They
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give us a break. So now Bryan Cranston is going
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to hop on a Southwest flight along with the rest
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of the crew and go to New Mexico and dump
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all their money into lodging and restaurants and use all
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the local crews and process all this stuff and do
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all that. Probably dumping millions into the economy of New Mexico.
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We.
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get nothing, and isn't that the most fundamental thing on
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the planet? Who does not understand that concept? I'll explain
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it to my fucking five-year-old.
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This is what I'm pissed off about. This is what
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I'm righteously indignant about. It's basic stuff. I'm not that
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political a person. I wish I could just go back
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to going to 40 Dodger games and going to movies
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and paying attention to what's on HBO, but Los Angeles
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is no longer Los Angeles. I grew up in a place...
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That when I graduated from college in 1987 and I
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moved down to New Orleans, I found out that girls
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liked me simply because the cachet. that I was from California.
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It was unfair. It was unfair.
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California was the greatest place in the world and everybody
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wanted to be here. Now you admit that you're from California.
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It's not the same.
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Well, what's happened? Because I've been here my whole life.
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It sucks now.
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It's horrible.
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It's the worst place. I can't leave because my parents
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are alive. My children want to be with their grand... Yeah,
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I know. I can't leave. But it's the worst.
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It is.
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Overnight, it went from the greatest place to the suckiest place.
384
00:19:02.910 --> 00:19:05.960
And it is because... the people who run this business
385
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are anti-business.
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Right.
387
00:19:08.140 --> 00:19:11.759
And again, anyone, you know, I used to be a contractor,
388
00:19:11.980 --> 00:19:15.769
anyone who's ever tried to build anything, Andrew, if you
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00:19:15.809 --> 00:19:20.170
tried to pull a permit and build something, that's when
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00:19:20.210 --> 00:19:24.490
it really it goes to the next level. Like that's
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00:19:24.630 --> 00:19:27.990
when you realize, I mean, that's when you start getting
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00:19:28.049 --> 00:19:32.200
into a sort of Waco Ruby Ridge kind of mentality
393
00:19:32.279 --> 00:19:34.900
where it's like, you start getting angry. Well, when you
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00:19:34.940 --> 00:19:37.759
go down to the city and they're like, bring your
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00:19:37.799 --> 00:19:41.440
checkbook and bring your plans and cut us five grand
396
00:19:41.480 --> 00:19:44.369
for this and five grand for that. And soils reports
397
00:19:44.430 --> 00:19:47.950
and compaction reports. I mean, I'm going to tell you this.
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00:19:48.670 --> 00:19:53.119
If you want to build something, you will then need
399
00:19:53.170 --> 00:19:56.539
to hire a deputy inspector. That's a guy who charged
400
00:19:56.579 --> 00:19:58.920
about $ 100 an hour, and he sits in his car
401
00:19:58.960 --> 00:20:00.920
for about a half hour and watches a guy weld,
402
00:20:01.019 --> 00:20:02.740
and then he leaves, and you have to pay him
403
00:20:02.779 --> 00:20:04.980
for a full day, and then you have to pay
404
00:20:05.019 --> 00:20:08.369
the city on top of that. And it's first off,
405
00:20:08.380 --> 00:20:11.160
it's an entire scheme and it's a fucking Ponzi scheme
406
00:20:11.180 --> 00:20:13.680
where you have to go get soils reports for, you know,
407
00:20:13.700 --> 00:20:16.369
you don't need soils reports. You have to get compaction reports,
408
00:20:16.410 --> 00:20:21.640
environmental reports. It is absolutely insane how much money and
409
00:20:21.700 --> 00:20:25.160
how expensive it is for them to let you build.
410
00:20:25.279 --> 00:20:27.180
It's not the building itself. And by the way, if
411
00:20:27.200 --> 00:20:29.839
you live in Malibu and you're anywhere near the Coastal Commission,
412
00:20:30.160 --> 00:20:31.720
fuck it. Don't even try.
413
00:20:32.200 --> 00:20:35.039
By the way, are you aware that the Republican Party
414
00:20:35.079 --> 00:20:37.819
has nobody running for the presidency right now? And that
415
00:20:37.859 --> 00:20:40.839
if you had put that out there and by mistake
416
00:20:41.440 --> 00:20:43.799
people heard that and that was your spiel, you would
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00:20:43.819 --> 00:20:46.559
have gone up to Donald Trump level at about 70.
418
00:20:46.559 --> 00:20:48.480
You would have gone up to 70 percent. And I'm
419
00:20:48.519 --> 00:20:51.960
just I'm just telling you this is foreshadowing. What is
420
00:20:51.980 --> 00:20:54.160
going to happen over the next year with the Republican
421
00:20:54.460 --> 00:20:58.940
Party is what happened in 2003 with the Gray Davis recall.
422
00:20:59.359 --> 00:21:01.059
It's going to be a freak show. It's going to
423
00:21:01.079 --> 00:21:02.759
be porn star. It's going to be the.
424
00:21:02.700 --> 00:21:05.259
Ghost of Gary Coleman. It's going to be Ariana Huffington.
425
00:21:05.619 --> 00:21:09.970
I'm telling you, if you speak like that in that
426
00:21:10.089 --> 00:21:13.299
exactly that language. That's what this country wants to hear
427
00:21:13.339 --> 00:21:17.539
right now. They're sick of these eunuchs, these white guys
428
00:21:17.759 --> 00:21:20.920
who are poll testing everything. It really comes down to
429
00:21:20.980 --> 00:21:23.700
brass tacks. It comes down to a fundamental understanding of
430
00:21:24.029 --> 00:21:28.190
how to make crap, how to get that crap out
431
00:21:28.289 --> 00:21:34.720
to the customer. I don't need a politician to run
432
00:21:34.759 --> 00:21:35.019
this thing.
433
00:21:35.180 --> 00:21:36.500
I need somebody who's a contractor.
434
00:21:36.779 --> 00:21:38.599
I need somebody who has common sense, who's been in
435
00:21:38.640 --> 00:21:41.509
the real world within the last five years, not somebody
436
00:21:41.740 --> 00:21:43.430
who's been in a think tank for the last 30.
437
00:21:43.430 --> 00:21:47.690
It's insane. And it was funny because I was watching
438
00:21:47.789 --> 00:21:52.349
the Colbert report last night, and they were making fun
439
00:21:52.390 --> 00:21:56.670
of Donald Trump and his 70-foot flagpole that's at his
440
00:21:56.829 --> 00:22:02.289
golf course in Palos Verdes. But it's his land. It's
441
00:22:02.309 --> 00:22:06.630
a beautiful 70-foot flag. poll and it has a huge
442
00:22:06.730 --> 00:22:10.250
American flag on it. And there's an ordinance. And that
443
00:22:10.410 --> 00:22:13.549
ordinance is if you build anything higher than 16 feet
444
00:22:13.650 --> 00:22:16.150
or not build anything, but put a pole up higher
445
00:22:16.170 --> 00:22:17.950
than 16 feet, you got to go down to the
446
00:22:17.990 --> 00:22:21.359
city and pull a permit. And they're making fun of
447
00:22:21.420 --> 00:22:24.240
Trump the entire time because it's Colbert and it's Comedy
448
00:22:24.279 --> 00:22:27.619
Central and everything. But I find myself agreeing with Trump
449
00:22:27.660 --> 00:22:31.420
the whole time. He spent millions on that land. God
450
00:22:31.480 --> 00:22:34.609
knows what he pays in taxes and out there on
451
00:22:34.650 --> 00:22:36.470
that land. And if he wants to put a fucking
452
00:22:36.509 --> 00:22:40.430
flagpole up and fly the fucking American flag, how about
453
00:22:40.569 --> 00:22:43.089
don't you guys have bigger fish to fry than this?
454
00:22:43.109 --> 00:22:46.150
This is really where you want to concentrate your efforts
455
00:22:46.309 --> 00:22:48.970
on a guy who's putting millions of dollars back into
456
00:22:49.009 --> 00:22:51.799
the tax base and is flying the American flag in
457
00:22:51.839 --> 00:22:55.259
front of the ocean, blocking a view of nothing except for...
458
00:22:55.880 --> 00:22:58.759
The old white guys are hanging around, spending more money
459
00:22:58.779 --> 00:23:01.359
and putting more tax dollars into your system. There's a
460
00:23:01.400 --> 00:23:04.299
picture of the flag. Who gives a fuck? He bought
461
00:23:04.359 --> 00:23:07.549
two billion acres over there in Rancho Palos Verdes. He
462
00:23:07.589 --> 00:23:09.650
built a championship golf course and now he's putting a
463
00:23:09.690 --> 00:23:14.049
flagpole up. Excuse him for not asking your permission. You
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00:23:14.309 --> 00:23:17.490
with you who could not do what in the private sector,
465
00:23:17.569 --> 00:23:20.799
you who's making sixty three thousand dollars a year running what?
466
00:23:21.670 --> 00:23:23.349
He should come kiss your ass and then at some
467
00:23:23.410 --> 00:23:25.470
point you're going to force him to tear it down?
468
00:23:25.609 --> 00:23:26.210
Fuck that.
469
00:23:26.329 --> 00:23:26.849
Fuck you.
470
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Go back in your office and shut the fuck up.
471
00:23:29.880 --> 00:23:35.599
My thing is with the smoking stuff. I hate smoking
472
00:23:35.640 --> 00:23:39.160
more than anyone that you'll ever meet. But if somebody
473
00:23:39.200 --> 00:23:42.960
wants to create a bar or a restaurant that's all smoking,
474
00:23:43.000 --> 00:23:45.640
and I think that that's where the slippery slope started.
475
00:23:45.940 --> 00:23:49.119
And my dad lost that battle. He was a lobbyist
476
00:23:49.160 --> 00:23:52.079
for the California Restaurant Association. And I got out of
477
00:23:52.099 --> 00:23:55.180
the shower in college and I'm like, whoa, my dad's
478
00:23:55.220 --> 00:23:58.720
on CNN in our backyard. And he's talking in our backyard.
479
00:23:59.119 --> 00:24:00.849
I've never seen my dad on TV in my life.
480
00:24:01.150 --> 00:24:03.369
And he's talking about how Beverly Hills wants to get
481
00:24:03.430 --> 00:24:07.119
rid of smoking. I'm thinking to myself, wait. They want
482
00:24:07.150 --> 00:24:10.019
to get rid of smoking. They had half smoking and
483
00:24:10.059 --> 00:24:13.619
half non-smoking. Who's not even happy with that situation?
484
00:24:13.660 --> 00:24:14.339
Rob Reiner.
485
00:24:14.420 --> 00:24:14.619
Yeah.
486
00:24:14.799 --> 00:24:18.440
And I said, California is a crazy place. It's filled
487
00:24:18.460 --> 00:24:21.190
with a lot of flaky people. This is a private owner.
488
00:24:21.450 --> 00:24:24.309
If he wants to have an all-smoking restaurant, the next door,
489
00:24:24.630 --> 00:24:27.430
somebody is going to be smart and create a non-smoking restaurant.
490
00:24:27.470 --> 00:24:30.319
Doesn't that make sense? It's free property. It's free will.
491
00:24:30.579 --> 00:24:30.819
I don't.
492
00:24:30.960 --> 00:24:31.980
I get it. It's over.
493
00:24:32.119 --> 00:24:32.619
It ended.
494
00:24:32.740 --> 00:24:33.339
It ended.
495
00:24:33.440 --> 00:24:36.539
It ended and we didn't fight it because I don't
496
00:24:36.559 --> 00:24:40.119
like smoking. I hate smoking, but I take freedom as
497
00:24:40.160 --> 00:24:41.279
a higher value.
498
00:24:42.799 --> 00:24:46.220
It's funny that you use the smoking thing because I
499
00:24:46.430 --> 00:24:48.569
think about that all the time and I always use
500
00:24:48.630 --> 00:24:52.869
it as an example of the difference between the guys
501
00:24:52.910 --> 00:24:56.490
who wanted to smoke and the NRA, which is they
502
00:24:56.529 --> 00:25:00.029
do what they do, which is they go... hey, everyone
503
00:25:00.089 --> 00:25:02.690
used to just sit around restaurants or wherever and smoke.
504
00:25:03.160 --> 00:25:06.140
And they said, and the difference between the folks that
505
00:25:06.200 --> 00:25:09.519
smoked and the NRA was this, I secretly smoked. suspect
506
00:25:09.539 --> 00:25:11.440
this is what the nra does i'm not a fan
507
00:25:11.799 --> 00:25:13.619
but this is what they do this is part of
508
00:25:13.660 --> 00:25:16.220
their strategy so somebody came into the restaurant and he
509
00:25:16.259 --> 00:25:19.460
said uh hey smokers you know what we're gonna need
510
00:25:19.559 --> 00:25:21.319
to move you on over here and just create a
511
00:25:21.339 --> 00:25:23.680
little smoking section on this side of the restaurant so
512
00:25:23.700 --> 00:25:25.099
we just pick it up move it over here please
513
00:25:25.319 --> 00:25:27.220
and everyone went oh yeah okay and they went and
514
00:25:27.259 --> 00:25:29.579
sat in the smoking section and at a certain point
515
00:25:29.660 --> 00:25:33.279
somebody came up and said hey uh smokers listen I'm
516
00:25:33.319 --> 00:25:35.569
going to need you to clear out of the dining area.
517
00:25:35.609 --> 00:25:37.029
But if you want to smoke at the bar, that'd
518
00:25:37.049 --> 00:25:39.450
be fine. And they just sort of got up and went, yeah, OK.
519
00:25:39.609 --> 00:25:40.950
All right. And then went and sat in the bar.
520
00:25:41.410 --> 00:25:43.269
And then the same guy came back again. He said,
521
00:25:44.009 --> 00:25:47.210
bad news. Going to need you to move you out front, outside.
522
00:25:48.019 --> 00:25:50.160
Can't have any smoking in the bar or the rest.
523
00:25:50.180 --> 00:25:52.579
Just go out front. So they went, yeah, OK. So
524
00:25:52.599 --> 00:25:54.559
they stood out on the sidewalk in front of the
525
00:25:54.599 --> 00:25:56.839
valet and smoked a cigarette. And then the guy came
526
00:25:56.900 --> 00:25:58.809
out again and said, going to need you to move
527
00:25:58.880 --> 00:26:02.430
down the street 80 paces. to smoke a cigarette. And
528
00:26:02.450 --> 00:26:04.750
you see, they just kept getting up and moving. What
529
00:26:04.769 --> 00:26:08.230
the NRA does is they say, fuck you, we're not moving.
530
00:26:08.690 --> 00:26:12.119
Let's let's argue about it. And they're staying where they are,
531
00:26:12.190 --> 00:26:15.839
meaning they said, hey, man, we need those holotip bullets
532
00:26:15.920 --> 00:26:17.599
or you know, cop killers or whatever. They went, I
533
00:26:17.640 --> 00:26:20.029
don't think so. And now they just argue about it. Now,
534
00:26:20.039 --> 00:26:22.640
I don't think they're arguing about that. They don't want
535
00:26:22.680 --> 00:26:26.259
to keep sliding out and down the sidewalk with the smokers.
536
00:26:26.660 --> 00:26:29.529
And this is the way we are, especially in California,
537
00:26:29.569 --> 00:26:32.089
which is we go, hey, do this. And then someone goes,
538
00:26:32.109 --> 00:26:34.630
all right. Or we'll go, hey, put a buck on the,
539
00:26:34.890 --> 00:26:37.549
you know, put a tax on cigarettes for a dollar.
540
00:26:37.730 --> 00:26:39.730
And then the next time they go, and make it
541
00:26:39.789 --> 00:26:41.990
another buck. And then they go, hey, make it five bucks.
542
00:26:42.309 --> 00:26:44.109
And then Rob Reiner goes, it should be 10 bucks.
543
00:26:44.509 --> 00:26:47.019
And then all the people that don't smoke and are
544
00:26:47.059 --> 00:26:49.740
full of fucking righteous indignation, they go, oh, yeah. And
545
00:26:49.779 --> 00:26:51.559
then someone says, give it to the kids. And the
546
00:26:51.619 --> 00:26:54.000
next thing you know, we're where we're at, which is
547
00:26:54.299 --> 00:26:55.920
which is. By the way, here's here's all I want
548
00:26:55.940 --> 00:27:00.880
to say about California and Los Angeles. Is it working?
549
00:27:01.579 --> 00:27:05.779
Does it seem like a utopia? School systems unusable. I
550
00:27:05.799 --> 00:27:09.319
cannot send my kids to the fucking LA Unified School District.
551
00:27:09.339 --> 00:27:10.059
I've got four of them.
552
00:27:10.400 --> 00:27:12.220
I got two of them. I'll tell you what. Give
553
00:27:12.269 --> 00:27:13.529
me one. We'll do three and three.
554
00:27:13.630 --> 00:27:13.769
OK.
555
00:27:14.549 --> 00:27:15.670
Boy or girl, it doesn't matter.
556
00:27:15.690 --> 00:27:17.910
Let's homeschool them together.
557
00:27:17.930 --> 00:27:18.789
We just sit around.
558
00:27:18.809 --> 00:27:20.829
I couldn't teach them anything.
559
00:27:20.849 --> 00:27:22.930
I get out of breath. I go for the oxygen. Andrew,
560
00:27:22.950 --> 00:27:25.539
take over. Take over. Where was I? God damn it.
561
00:27:25.559 --> 00:27:30.460
What the god damn. Yeah. I can't send my kids
562
00:27:30.539 --> 00:27:35.380
to public school. And the schools are fucked up. And
563
00:27:35.400 --> 00:27:38.380
what about the lottery? Well, that hasn't done shit for
564
00:27:38.400 --> 00:27:42.910
the schools. It's like $ 13, 000 or $ 14, 000 per head. Of course.
565
00:27:43.049 --> 00:27:45.250
And if you go over to the parochial school, I
566
00:27:45.289 --> 00:27:47.529
think it costs on average about.
567
00:27:47.009 --> 00:27:48.150
$ 3, 000 or $ 4, 000 a head.
568
00:27:48.599 --> 00:27:51.779
We do a horrific job with everything.
569
00:27:51.940 --> 00:27:54.180
I'm agnostic, and I walked in.
570
00:27:55.640 --> 00:27:58.519
Two months before school was supposed to start, six months
571
00:27:58.599 --> 00:28:03.220
after the applications were taken in to this parochial school
572
00:28:03.299 --> 00:28:05.440
on the west side of Los Angeles, and I almost
573
00:28:05.460 --> 00:28:06.460
had tears in my eyes.
574
00:28:06.579 --> 00:28:08.190
And I said, I screwed up.
575
00:28:09.029 --> 00:28:12.509
I didn't get my kid into a private school, and
576
00:28:12.529 --> 00:28:15.930
he's about to have to go to junior high, and
577
00:28:15.990 --> 00:28:17.609
those are the Lord of the Flies here.
578
00:28:17.630 --> 00:28:18.230
So I don't want my.
579
00:28:18.170 --> 00:28:20.869
Kid to lose it. And I said, I cannot afford
580
00:28:20.910 --> 00:28:24.509
to lose my kid to moral relativism and all the
581
00:28:24.549 --> 00:28:27.750
crap that goes on in this place. Please, God, a
582
00:28:27.789 --> 00:28:30.650
God that I don't necessarily believe in. And she let
583
00:28:30.710 --> 00:28:33.029
my kid into the school. And I'm telling you, these kids.
584
00:28:33.150 --> 00:28:34.509
She meaning the she-god?
585
00:28:34.569 --> 00:28:35.170
The she-lady.
586
00:28:35.210 --> 00:28:36.430
Or the lesbian around the school.
587
00:28:36.670 --> 00:28:38.549
It was, I think it was Tanya Roberts.
588
00:28:38.609 --> 00:28:39.069
Nice.
589
00:28:39.250 --> 00:28:39.490
Yeah.
590
00:28:39.650 --> 00:28:41.660
I was checking her out last night on Charlie's Angel.
591
00:28:41.680 --> 00:28:42.420
Yeah, good stuff.
592
00:28:42.440 --> 00:28:45.980
Great eyes, yeah. Well, it's weird, but I was saying
593
00:28:46.460 --> 00:28:49.920
this morning, I said, you know, they used to say,
594
00:28:49.940 --> 00:28:52.839
and this is one of those L.A. things that's very sad,
595
00:28:52.859 --> 00:28:54.720
because I saw something the other day that made me
596
00:28:54.740 --> 00:28:57.509
almost want to vomit. You know, they used to say,
597
00:28:58.109 --> 00:29:00.910
used to hear that adage that... You can tell a
598
00:29:00.950 --> 00:29:05.220
society by how it treats its prisoners. And I'm now
599
00:29:05.680 --> 00:29:08.779
modifying that to you can tell a city by what
600
00:29:08.859 --> 00:29:11.319
bumper stickers are on the back of the cop cars.
601
00:29:11.960 --> 00:29:15.400
And I used to stare at the end senior abuse
602
00:29:15.779 --> 00:29:17.759
one on there that depressed the shit out of me
603
00:29:17.819 --> 00:29:19.799
for a long time. And I saw one the other
604
00:29:19.839 --> 00:29:25.829
day that said, no, no. K-N-O-W. I don't know why.
605
00:29:26.349 --> 00:29:30.339
No human trafficking. Right. And I thought, Jesus Christ, I
606
00:29:30.380 --> 00:29:31.880
know they don't have this in Seattle.
607
00:29:32.519 --> 00:29:32.680
L.A.
608
00:29:32.700 --> 00:29:34.160
Has turned into a fucking dump.
609
00:29:34.779 --> 00:29:34.920
L.A.
610
00:29:34.940 --> 00:29:38.009
Is a dirt. First off, L.A. is dirty. I mean,
611
00:29:38.049 --> 00:29:41.329
it's a filthy city. There's trash. everywhere. And I'll give
612
00:29:41.369 --> 00:29:45.150
you L.A. in a nutshell. If you want fucking L.A.
613
00:29:45.299 --> 00:29:47.859
in a goddamn nutshell, I'll give it to you right now.
614
00:29:48.390 --> 00:29:54.579
I drive here every day along Forest Lawn Drive. It's
615
00:29:54.599 --> 00:29:58.380
a long stretch right down the hill from where Jacko
616
00:29:58.619 --> 00:30:04.299
is entombed up top. And it's a long, straight, basically
617
00:30:05.740 --> 00:30:10.630
signal-less stretch of highway. And people tend to speed there.
618
00:30:10.779 --> 00:30:12.019
It's Sepulveda-like.
619
00:30:12.140 --> 00:30:17.299
It's Sepulveda-esque in its width and breadth. And, of course,
620
00:30:17.720 --> 00:30:19.859
they know you're going to speed there. And, of course,
621
00:30:20.019 --> 00:30:23.400
these speed limits are sort of antiquated because when my
622
00:30:23.440 --> 00:30:27.109
mom was driving a VW squareback with 70 Series retread
623
00:30:27.170 --> 00:30:29.890
tires and drum brakes and leaf springs all the way around,
624
00:30:29.930 --> 00:30:30.690
the thing would shimmy.
625
00:30:30.710 --> 00:30:31.650
They're waiting to punish.
626
00:30:32.089 --> 00:30:34.170
By the way, you hit the brake. You hit the brake.
627
00:30:34.230 --> 00:30:36.970
My mom's square back. The front left tire locks up
628
00:30:37.009 --> 00:30:40.289
and the car pulls violently to left. The good folks
629
00:30:40.490 --> 00:30:45.099
over at Lexus have seen fit to lend me an ISF.
630
00:30:45.599 --> 00:30:46.380
That car's 414 horsepower.
631
00:30:46.420 --> 00:30:46.519
Huge.
632
00:30:49.730 --> 00:30:53.549
Anti-lock brakes on all corners you know 40 series speed
633
00:30:53.630 --> 00:30:58.059
rated tires titanium everything speed sensing everything now you could
634
00:30:58.119 --> 00:31:00.930
stomp on the brakes at 100 not touch the steering
635
00:31:00.950 --> 00:31:03.220
wheel and it would just stop in two feet without
636
00:31:03.240 --> 00:31:05.140
a puff of smoke coming out any of the tires
637
00:31:05.599 --> 00:31:08.680
obviously that car safe at twice the speed that my
638
00:31:08.740 --> 00:31:12.839
mother's vw squareback was but the speed limit remains the
639
00:31:12.900 --> 00:31:17.480
same Because we're all into safety. So the cop, so now.
640
00:31:17.720 --> 00:31:19.519
You have Ralph Nader to thank for all this.
641
00:31:19.539 --> 00:31:23.029
He's a dick. Pussy and a dick. So now you
642
00:31:23.069 --> 00:31:28.069
have this stretch of Forest Lawn. And on one side
643
00:31:28.109 --> 00:31:32.609
of the stretch of Forest Lawn Drive are all the illegals.
644
00:31:33.029 --> 00:31:36.079
And they hang out there and they sell flowers to
645
00:31:36.150 --> 00:31:39.119
people that are going to Forest Lawn. And of course,
646
00:31:39.740 --> 00:31:43.119
next to where they're selling all their stuff is trash.
647
00:31:43.539 --> 00:31:47.220
Trash everywhere. Fast food wrappers from the food they eat.
648
00:31:47.569 --> 00:31:50.589
Boxes from the boxes they use and then discard. There's
649
00:31:50.630 --> 00:31:53.630
no trash cans put along there. It's a bunch of
650
00:31:53.710 --> 00:31:59.390
illegals standing around selling things without a license, without without permits,
651
00:31:59.430 --> 00:32:03.119
without anything. Now, there is a cop around. But where
652
00:32:03.220 --> 00:32:05.599
is that cop? He's on the other side of the
653
00:32:05.660 --> 00:32:08.940
street and he's holding a fucking radar gun waiting for
654
00:32:08.980 --> 00:32:11.869
me to crack 47 miles an hour so he can
655
00:32:11.930 --> 00:32:14.490
rape me by the side of the road. Meanwhile, all
656
00:32:14.509 --> 00:32:17.670
the undocumented guys are just fucking making a mess on
657
00:32:17.690 --> 00:32:21.390
the other side of the street. And they're criminals. I'm
658
00:32:21.450 --> 00:32:26.990
a taxpayer. They're undocumented. I'm documented. And you're fucking raping
659
00:32:27.009 --> 00:32:31.869
me for another nickel? That's L.A. in a goddamn nutshell.
660
00:32:31.970 --> 00:32:34.589
And that's why this city's coming undone. And that's why
661
00:32:34.609 --> 00:32:37.009
it will continue to come undone. And as long as
662
00:32:37.029 --> 00:32:42.450
you have fucking Tony Villar... I'm sorry, his made up name, Viragosa.
663
00:32:42.730 --> 00:32:45.089
As long as you have him in there pandering to
664
00:32:45.109 --> 00:32:48.099
the Hispanic vote, then you're just going to keep going
665
00:32:48.190 --> 00:32:50.559
deeper and deeper into the fucking mire.
666
00:32:50.700 --> 00:32:53.240
There was a point in this conversation where I said
667
00:32:53.259 --> 00:32:55.859
that you could run for the Republican Party. And I
668
00:32:55.920 --> 00:32:58.480
think that you'd be at about 17 percent. You just
669
00:32:58.500 --> 00:33:02.779
took it about 28, 29 percent. The thing is, people
670
00:33:02.839 --> 00:33:06.269
are looking for that level of honesty everywhere. and bypassing
671
00:33:06.380 --> 00:33:09.480
CNN and bypassing ABC because they're the ones who are
672
00:33:09.519 --> 00:33:12.640
framing the narrative out there. And if you tell the truth,
673
00:33:13.079 --> 00:33:16.869
you're not allowed to say that story. If Media Matters
674
00:33:16.930 --> 00:33:20.349
or some left-wing group were to take what you just said,
675
00:33:20.789 --> 00:33:23.450
I guarantee you they would distill it down to this
676
00:33:23.509 --> 00:33:28.180
guy's racist. They're not listening to the logic in it.
677
00:33:28.450 --> 00:33:30.369
It has nothing to do with it. I have a
678
00:33:30.410 --> 00:33:34.059
Hispanic sister. I'm adopted. I don't have any of the
679
00:33:34.119 --> 00:33:36.079
same blood of anybody in my family. This is not
680
00:33:36.119 --> 00:33:38.220
about blood. This is about right versus wrong. This is
681
00:33:38.259 --> 00:33:40.980
about the laws of this country, and you're not even
682
00:33:41.039 --> 00:33:43.789
allowed to bring it up without being called a racist.
683
00:33:43.849 --> 00:33:45.369
It's ridiculous. I know.
684
00:33:45.410 --> 00:33:48.250
I love the idea that we sit around and debate
685
00:33:48.410 --> 00:33:51.799
enforcing laws, and then we call the people who would
686
00:33:51.859 --> 00:33:57.269
like the laws enforced racists. It's insane to me. Meanwhile,
687
00:33:58.109 --> 00:34:02.450
God forbid I attempt to build something on my property
688
00:34:02.529 --> 00:34:05.589
without pulling a permit. Then they snap into action.
689
00:34:05.609 --> 00:34:07.890
Can I prove that I'm not a racist towards Hispanics?
690
00:34:08.139 --> 00:34:08.380
Sure.
691
00:34:08.599 --> 00:34:10.360
Did you ever see Moscow on the Hudson?
692
00:34:10.610 --> 00:34:11.309
Yes, Robin Williams.
693
00:34:11.369 --> 00:34:13.230
Remember Maria Conchita Alonso in that?
694
00:34:13.530 --> 00:34:13.829
Yes.
695
00:34:13.889 --> 00:34:16.949
The things I did to myself as a teenager prove
696
00:34:17.030 --> 00:34:18.130
that I'm not a racist.
697
00:34:18.389 --> 00:34:21.489
Yeah, but you're like one of those plantation owners who's
698
00:34:21.530 --> 00:34:23.070
having sex with their slaves.
699
00:34:23.369 --> 00:34:25.170
Oh, I don't have a retort to that.
700
00:34:26.030 --> 00:34:28.690
That was fucking good. That's why. I gave you a
701
00:34:28.690 --> 00:34:29.969
little Bill Maher shot there.
702
00:34:31.190 --> 00:34:34.679
Okay, well. I respect her as a human being after all.
703
00:34:34.699 --> 00:34:38.840
You desecrated her femininity, and that's your excuse for not
704
00:34:38.889 --> 00:34:39.219
being racist?
705
00:34:39.239 --> 00:34:40.809
And Lisa Bonet in Angel Heart.
706
00:34:41.110 --> 00:34:46.030
Oh, yeah. But she's hardly black, is she? She's just
707
00:34:46.150 --> 00:34:49.489
like a mokey. It's perfect. She's like Molly Sims with
708
00:34:49.530 --> 00:34:53.099
a nice dusting of chocolate on her. Yeah, and speaking
709
00:34:53.139 --> 00:34:55.400
of other, you know, it's funny because I was talking
710
00:34:55.420 --> 00:34:58.340
to Mike August, the guy who books my live shows.
711
00:34:59.340 --> 00:35:01.969
And we got one, I'll give a little plug for myself,
712
00:35:02.030 --> 00:35:04.750
coming up playing the Schnitzer Hall in Portland, coming up
713
00:35:05.070 --> 00:35:09.070
this Saturday. Doing a book signing, by the way. That's
714
00:35:09.110 --> 00:35:11.309
at 3 o'clock at the Barnes & Noble, somewhere in
715
00:35:11.349 --> 00:35:16.800
the neighborhood. I said, well, how big is the Schnitzer?
716
00:35:17.219 --> 00:35:20.260
And he said, it's about 4,000 seater. And I said,
717
00:35:20.360 --> 00:35:24.699
Jesus Christ, 4,000 seats. That's a lot. That's a fucking
718
00:35:24.780 --> 00:35:28.719
huge place. It's not me and Super Tramp. I could
719
00:35:28.739 --> 00:35:31.179
have picked a newer band. Me and Ricky Martin.
720
00:35:31.340 --> 00:35:31.900
Foghat.
721
00:35:31.940 --> 00:35:35.079
Me and Foghat. It's just me. And he said, no, no,
722
00:35:35.119 --> 00:35:37.900
they scale it down. They'll scale it. We have it
723
00:35:37.960 --> 00:35:43.090
scaled to about 1600. They'll just play the loge or whatever,
724
00:35:43.210 --> 00:35:45.670
you know. So I said, all right, that's fine. Well,
725
00:35:45.690 --> 00:35:47.909
we can get 1,600 people to come out on a
726
00:35:47.969 --> 00:35:50.530
Saturday night and see me. That would be awesome. And
727
00:35:51.110 --> 00:35:56.239
by the way, Portland Ears, we've sold about 1,350 tickets.
728
00:35:56.280 --> 00:35:59.260
So we're getting close. Get on that if you would.
729
00:35:59.800 --> 00:36:03.639
So then I said the following week, and I said, well,
730
00:36:03.659 --> 00:36:05.639
how much money are we going to make? And he said, well,
731
00:36:05.659 --> 00:36:08.980
if we sell all these tickets... You know, well, now
732
00:36:09.019 --> 00:36:12.000
keep in mind there's unions and you got to pay
733
00:36:12.079 --> 00:36:14.570
people and it's expensive. And by the way, it was
734
00:36:14.590 --> 00:36:17.730
it was a great one. Mike's so cheap. My writer,
735
00:36:18.250 --> 00:36:23.300
I have a writer that's about as long as mini
736
00:36:23.340 --> 00:36:27.360
me's cock. And it basically says fruit. It basically says
737
00:36:27.570 --> 00:36:30.030
veggie platter, like the kind you get in the plastic
738
00:36:30.070 --> 00:36:35.619
hubcap from the Ralphs. Veggie platter, 12-pack of Miller Lite,
739
00:36:35.960 --> 00:36:40.079
three bottled waters, and some oatmeal cookies. Mike added that on.
740
00:36:40.119 --> 00:36:43.610
He likes the oatmeal cookies. They come back to him
741
00:36:43.670 --> 00:36:47.449
and tell him it's going to be $ 589. He says,
742
00:36:47.849 --> 00:36:51.389
how much was the veggie tray? That's $ 185. He said,
743
00:36:51.530 --> 00:36:54.699
how about you just go down to the market and
744
00:36:54.719 --> 00:36:57.920
buy one for $ 12? By the way, that's how they work.
745
00:36:58.039 --> 00:37:06.820
That's the government at work. These are city-owned facilities. Schnitzer, Portland, 4,000-seater.
746
00:37:07.800 --> 00:37:11.099
And I said, all right, we sell 1,600 tickets. What
747
00:37:11.119 --> 00:37:13.139
do we walk out of there with by the time
748
00:37:13.179 --> 00:37:16.119
we're done paying the $ 35, 000 to do the thing or
749
00:37:16.139 --> 00:37:18.210
whatever it is? And he said, I don't know, maybe
750
00:37:18.230 --> 00:37:20.989
we can make $ 20, 000 over there. And I said, all right,
751
00:37:21.429 --> 00:37:23.309
that's a pretty good weekend. And he said, yeah, we'll
752
00:37:23.329 --> 00:37:26.269
do fine. And then I said, the following weekend, we're
753
00:37:26.289 --> 00:37:29.289
going to be at the Wiltern in Los Angeles. And
754
00:37:29.349 --> 00:37:31.389
I said, what's that place hold? He said, that holds
755
00:37:31.429 --> 00:37:34.090
about 2,000. And I said, what do we have it
756
00:37:34.130 --> 00:37:36.639
scaled for? And he said, well, I've scaled about 1,600,
757
00:37:36.630 --> 00:37:38.760
same as the Schnitzer. And I said, all right, so
758
00:37:38.780 --> 00:37:41.000
we do 1,600 there. What are we walking with? And
759
00:37:41.019 --> 00:37:44.559
he went, not much. And I said, well, why not?
760
00:37:44.619 --> 00:37:47.800
It's half the size of the Schnitzer, and we're selling
761
00:37:47.820 --> 00:37:49.929
the same amount of tickets for the same price. And
762
00:37:49.949 --> 00:37:53.070
he said, oh, this is California. You're not making any
763
00:37:53.110 --> 00:37:53.530
money here.
764
00:37:53.550 --> 00:37:55.570
The thing is, at no point are you ever going
765
00:37:55.590 --> 00:37:57.030
to see the– first of all, I haven't read the
766
00:37:57.050 --> 00:38:00.030
Los Angeles Times print edition in probably about 10 years–
767
00:38:00.489 --> 00:38:03.429
But at what point does it say L.A. is broken, L.A.
768
00:38:03.510 --> 00:38:03.969
Is over?
769
00:38:04.329 --> 00:38:06.489
I think it's over. It's over.
770
00:38:07.150 --> 00:38:07.630
It's over.
771
00:38:08.130 --> 00:38:11.469
Nobody's even attempting to try and fix it. It's more
772
00:38:11.510 --> 00:38:15.010
of this type of stuff. Everything's punitive. Everything is trying
773
00:38:15.030 --> 00:38:17.510
to find a way to extort you. They're giving you
774
00:38:17.570 --> 00:38:20.730
no incentive not to leave the state. The only place
775
00:38:20.750 --> 00:38:24.210
that's really fighting back right now is Texas, but it's
776
00:38:24.269 --> 00:38:25.150
so damned hot.
777
00:38:26.480 --> 00:38:30.760
Well, no, it's true. They have said we they no
778
00:38:30.840 --> 00:38:35.539
longer see citizens. They see money bags. They just see
779
00:38:35.719 --> 00:38:40.250
dollar signs. And again, them going out along Forest Lawn
780
00:38:40.289 --> 00:38:43.329
Drive and enforcing the law doesn't make them any money.
781
00:38:43.829 --> 00:38:48.159
Them hassling me makes them money, except for I'm fucking moving.
782
00:38:48.800 --> 00:38:51.920
I've had enough. I can't take it anymore. The society
783
00:38:52.019 --> 00:38:54.280
is so fucked up and it's so expensive.
784
00:38:54.420 --> 00:38:57.159
If you've committed murder in broad daylight, you're going to
785
00:38:57.199 --> 00:39:00.079
have the state take care of your lawyers and your
786
00:39:00.119 --> 00:39:02.800
entire life. You're going to have people fighting to keep
787
00:39:02.820 --> 00:39:05.079
you alive, to get you out of jail. But if
788
00:39:05.139 --> 00:39:09.400
you get a parking ticket in Los Angeles, it's like $ 60.
789
00:39:09.320 --> 00:39:12.519
If you were late for three seconds, your nickel, you know,
790
00:39:12.539 --> 00:39:16.420
your 25 cents for 15 minutes or 25 cents for
791
00:39:16.500 --> 00:39:18.860
six minutes, whatever the hell it is right now, you
792
00:39:18.900 --> 00:39:21.739
don't have a recourse. And then they make it impossible
793
00:39:21.780 --> 00:39:23.639
for you to pay it. And then your $ 60 becomes $ 120.
794
00:39:23.579 --> 00:39:27.139
In Pennsylvania, it's $ 6. if your nickel goes over. They're greedy.
795
00:39:36.099 --> 00:39:42.880
They're hypocrites. And what they're doing, it's a very simple equation.
796
00:39:42.980 --> 00:39:43.639
They hate us.
797
00:39:43.820 --> 00:39:44.340
They hate us.
798
00:39:44.800 --> 00:39:47.150
They hate us, too. It's like they're taking the money.
799
00:39:47.210 --> 00:39:49.010
They're saying, get the hell out of here. And while
800
00:39:49.050 --> 00:39:51.650
you're living here, they're telling you we hate you and
801
00:39:51.670 --> 00:39:52.429
you're a racist.
802
00:39:52.730 --> 00:39:56.030
No, I know. And you have these cunts like Maxine
803
00:39:56.070 --> 00:39:59.110
Waters saying, you know, it's high time that guys like
804
00:39:59.210 --> 00:40:02.329
us start paying their fair share and all that. Fuck you, bitch.
805
00:40:02.730 --> 00:40:05.360
I pay a ton in taxes. Shut the fuck up.
806
00:40:05.929 --> 00:40:09.900
It's ridiculous. And it's a horrible environment. And I'm telling
807
00:40:09.920 --> 00:40:12.239
you what it's going to be. And I've said it
808
00:40:12.320 --> 00:40:13.000
many times.
809
00:40:13.159 --> 00:40:14.239
Forty-two percent.
810
00:40:14.780 --> 00:40:15.239
The tax.
811
00:40:15.360 --> 00:40:16.699
No, you're at 42 percent.
812
00:40:16.739 --> 00:40:17.429
Oh, I went up 40.
813
00:40:17.429 --> 00:40:20.610
Yeah. Because I called Maxine Waters a cunt. Here's the deal.
814
00:40:21.690 --> 00:40:24.829
Here's the deal. And it's going to happen. What's going
815
00:40:24.849 --> 00:40:28.050
to happen is Viragos is going to keep going. The
816
00:40:28.110 --> 00:40:30.260
left's going to keep going. Maxine Waters is going to
817
00:40:30.300 --> 00:40:32.539
keep going. They're going to call guys like us racists.
818
00:40:32.800 --> 00:40:34.780
And eventually we're going to go, fuck it, we're going
819
00:40:34.800 --> 00:40:38.829
to Florida. New Zealand. New Zealand. Better. Then we're going
820
00:40:38.849 --> 00:40:41.989
to move out. And then you're going to be left
821
00:40:42.489 --> 00:40:44.389
with the folks that are standing on the other side
822
00:40:44.409 --> 00:40:47.150
of the highway. Selling the illegal roses.
823
00:40:47.329 --> 00:40:50.599
And they thought that the Thunderdome was fiction.
824
00:40:50.980 --> 00:40:52.579
Then let the fucking party begin.
825
00:40:53.199 --> 00:40:57.360
That's what I see. It's inevitable. That's what I see.
826
00:40:57.460 --> 00:41:01.199
I look at my children. I'm like, I'm trying to fight.
827
00:41:01.739 --> 00:41:04.719
I'm trying to be the crazy guy out there walking
828
00:41:04.800 --> 00:41:08.579
towards the bad guys, towards the Maxine Waters. towards the ACORNs,
829
00:41:08.860 --> 00:41:13.820
towards the SEIU, towards the AFL-CIO, which are like extorting
830
00:41:13.860 --> 00:41:14.659
from the American people.
831
00:41:14.679 --> 00:41:16.300
Of course, they're raping everyone.
832
00:41:16.360 --> 00:41:18.739
Right, and I'm like, I'm just saying to my kids,
833
00:41:19.289 --> 00:41:22.730
I feel like a kamikaze, but I cannot leave this
834
00:41:22.849 --> 00:41:25.949
country like this. I cannot say I didn't fight.
835
00:41:26.269 --> 00:41:30.539
Listen, this whole thing where you hide behind the Hey,
836
00:41:30.579 --> 00:41:35.460
these are hardworking people. Hey, first off, if you're working
837
00:41:35.500 --> 00:41:38.510
at a GM plant and you're making $ 32. 50 an hour
838
00:41:38.590 --> 00:41:41.110
and the GM plant moves to Mexico and you're sitting
839
00:41:41.130 --> 00:41:42.989
around crying that all you can do is get a
840
00:41:43.030 --> 00:41:46.539
job working at a fast food restaurant, then guess what, Dillweed?
841
00:41:46.719 --> 00:41:51.239
That's what you're worth. number one. Okay, fuck stick. Number two,
842
00:41:51.579 --> 00:41:54.579
if you weren't greedy, if instead of $ 32. 50 an hour,
843
00:41:54.820 --> 00:41:58.039
you took $ 21 an hour, we would have stayed. But
844
00:41:58.059 --> 00:41:59.579
you got fucking greedy and we left.
845
00:41:59.599 --> 00:42:03.130
Look, I grew up in Brentwood where nobody talks about unions.
846
00:42:03.190 --> 00:42:05.010
It's not a daily part of your life. I just
847
00:42:05.070 --> 00:42:08.849
remember peripherally watching some of these airline strikes. I think
848
00:42:08.909 --> 00:42:12.170
it was Eastern Airlines. There is no Eastern Airlines anymore
849
00:42:12.210 --> 00:42:14.210
because the union said, no, no, we're not going to concede.
850
00:42:14.309 --> 00:42:16.409
We're not going to concede on On a single issue.
851
00:42:16.510 --> 00:42:19.360
They're willing to screw the pooch. They're willing to have
852
00:42:19.380 --> 00:42:22.179
anal sex with the golden goose and then discard it
853
00:42:22.239 --> 00:42:25.639
into the L.A. river and say it's over. They don't
854
00:42:25.739 --> 00:42:27.239
care about the results.
855
00:42:27.420 --> 00:42:30.750
I'm the guy. I hate being in fucking SAG and AFTRA.
856
00:42:31.329 --> 00:42:35.969
They Shanghai you. I hate unions. I don't want to
857
00:42:36.010 --> 00:42:38.590
be in any unions. I'm forced to be in a
858
00:42:38.750 --> 00:42:42.690
union because they take your paycheck. By the way. Should
859
00:42:42.710 --> 00:42:46.809
that even be legal? They literally take your paycheck.
860
00:42:46.829 --> 00:42:48.570
And they give it to Tony Villar.
861
00:42:48.630 --> 00:42:51.250
And they give it to Tony Villar so he can
862
00:42:51.289 --> 00:42:57.949
pay off another mistress and spike his horchata. He's a sociopath.
863
00:42:58.010 --> 00:43:01.880
I like horchata. I like horchata too, actually. It's my
864
00:43:01.909 --> 00:43:03.739
maid's name, but I also enjoy it as a beverage.
865
00:43:04.199 --> 00:43:09.420
He fucking failed the bar four times. He's semi-retarded and
866
00:43:09.460 --> 00:43:13.840
he's running this fucking city into the ground. Now, the
867
00:43:14.280 --> 00:43:18.300
idea that I remember, remember when all the actors were
868
00:43:18.320 --> 00:43:20.719
going out on strike like 10 years ago and they
869
00:43:20.739 --> 00:43:22.820
were striking for the commercial actors?
870
00:43:22.880 --> 00:43:23.320
Yeah.
871
00:43:23.360 --> 00:43:25.019
Now we have reality TV.
872
00:43:25.039 --> 00:43:25.340
Yeah.
873
00:43:25.440 --> 00:43:26.000
Yeah. Good.
874
00:43:26.099 --> 00:43:28.000
Fuck you. You're all out of work. I don't give
875
00:43:28.050 --> 00:43:28.199
a shit.
876
00:43:28.219 --> 00:43:28.659
It's over.
877
00:43:28.760 --> 00:43:30.710
They screwed up acting.
878
00:43:31.369 --> 00:43:34.369
Yeah. And I would say they'd always go, hey, we're
879
00:43:34.409 --> 00:43:36.750
going out on strike or, hey, we're voting or, hey.
880
00:43:37.550 --> 00:43:39.929
The chick from Little House on the Prairie is running for,
881
00:43:40.489 --> 00:43:42.230
you know, district selectman.
882
00:43:42.329 --> 00:43:44.469
The blonde one that was pushed down the.
883
00:43:44.710 --> 00:43:47.090
The one that went blind in season number four. The
884
00:43:47.130 --> 00:43:49.070
point is this. I'd go, I don't give a fuck.
885
00:43:49.269 --> 00:43:51.030
I don't want to be in your shitty unions. I
886
00:43:51.050 --> 00:43:53.469
don't give a fuck about after a sag. And they go, huh?
887
00:43:53.929 --> 00:43:56.320
Who's paying your who's paying your health care? And I go,
888
00:43:56.440 --> 00:43:57.719
I'll tell you what. How about you give me all
889
00:43:57.739 --> 00:44:00.519
the fucking money I gave you back and I'll go
890
00:44:00.599 --> 00:44:04.480
buy myself some privatized insurance. How about that? Ass wipes.
891
00:44:05.050 --> 00:44:07.469
I can't stand it. They went on strike because they
892
00:44:07.510 --> 00:44:11.909
wanted the commercial actors to get like paid in perpetuity.
893
00:44:11.929 --> 00:44:13.650
And I'm like, what the fuck? You're eating a piece
894
00:44:13.670 --> 00:44:15.710
of Kentucky Fried Chicken sitting in the back of a
895
00:44:15.750 --> 00:44:19.469
convertible Mustang. You have no speaking lines. Who gives a
896
00:44:19.530 --> 00:44:22.409
shit how much you get paid? And they would always
897
00:44:22.469 --> 00:44:25.880
make this argument. Some of these guys, this is Tim
898
00:44:25.929 --> 00:44:29.260
Robbins of the world. These guys only work two, three
899
00:44:29.300 --> 00:44:31.639
days a year. How are they supposed to support a family?
900
00:44:31.659 --> 00:44:33.360
And I was like, how about they get a fucking job?
901
00:44:34.269 --> 00:44:35.690
Yeah, being a contractor.
902
00:44:35.710 --> 00:44:38.489
Yeah, but get a real job. Maybe they work, I
903
00:44:38.530 --> 00:44:41.650
don't know, nine days a year? I mean, I got
904
00:44:41.670 --> 00:44:44.070
a wild idea. How about they fucking work? These guys
905
00:44:44.110 --> 00:44:45.659
only work three, four days a year. How are they
906
00:44:45.679 --> 00:44:48.500
supposed to? They're not. They're not actors. And then people
907
00:44:48.539 --> 00:44:50.559
look at me and they go, oh, yeah? How about you?
908
00:44:50.800 --> 00:44:53.219
You're in SAG. Aren't you glad you're in SAG? What
909
00:44:53.239 --> 00:44:56.760
about those contracts you have? Uh-uh. It didn't work that way.
910
00:44:56.980 --> 00:44:59.280
You want me to do a commercial? Talk to my agent.
911
00:44:59.449 --> 00:45:01.250
You guys work it out. It's got nothing to fucking
912
00:45:01.289 --> 00:45:04.280
do with SAG. I can't stand that I'm in that
913
00:45:04.380 --> 00:45:06.980
piece of shit union. I can't stand that they send
914
00:45:07.000 --> 00:45:09.539
me their fucking newsletter saying that, you know, Ed Asner
915
00:45:09.579 --> 00:45:12.489
had a solid BM. I can't stand them in it.
916
00:45:12.920 --> 00:45:18.300
And by the way, my lesson is, all right, well,
917
00:45:18.340 --> 00:45:22.190
we're not playing the wheel turn anymore. Lesson learned. Cheaper
918
00:45:22.210 --> 00:45:25.909
to get on that Southwest flight with Bryan Cranston and
919
00:45:25.949 --> 00:45:28.630
go play a gig out of state so we can
920
00:45:28.670 --> 00:45:29.289
keep some money.
921
00:45:30.280 --> 00:45:32.559
You're actually more extreme than I am. I don't think
922
00:45:32.599 --> 00:45:35.119
I could vote for this wild, crazy racist.
923
00:45:35.699 --> 00:45:36.599
I don't.
924
00:45:37.280 --> 00:45:40.320
You've actually gone off the deep end. To make matters
925
00:45:40.409 --> 00:45:44.050
worse about Los Angeles, there was always, it was like
926
00:45:44.130 --> 00:45:48.550
creme brulee, you know, that coating on top, the best
927
00:45:48.650 --> 00:45:51.570
part of it. The good coating of Los Angeles is
928
00:45:51.610 --> 00:45:54.050
that every now and then you ran into an actual
929
00:45:54.489 --> 00:45:56.179
celebrity that mattered, like a Bob.
930
00:45:55.980 --> 00:45:58.619
Newhart, and you're like, That guy's the funniest guy on
931
00:45:58.639 --> 00:46:00.760
the planet. That guy is a genius.
932
00:46:01.679 --> 00:46:04.590
I remember one time golfing with Buddy Hackett. I was
933
00:46:04.630 --> 00:46:08.389
the happiest person in the world. I golfed once with
934
00:46:08.570 --> 00:46:11.929
Johnny Mathis. I go, man, you've got the greatest voice
935
00:46:12.329 --> 00:46:16.449
in the world. He's a pure, pure gentleman. He's sweet.
936
00:46:16.659 --> 00:46:17.110
Yeah, right.
937
00:46:17.139 --> 00:46:18.940
Sweet guy. Metamorphosis.
938
00:46:19.380 --> 00:46:20.800
That doesn't exist anymore.
939
00:46:21.559 --> 00:46:24.260
The people that you run into are in the second
940
00:46:24.320 --> 00:46:28.480
season of the Crusader series. reality show or.
941
00:46:28.480 --> 00:46:29.480
In the situation.
942
00:46:29.500 --> 00:46:32.320
Well, I'm driving down the street and I see this
943
00:46:32.820 --> 00:46:37.110
basketball player and a Kardashian and they're in a post-coital
944
00:46:37.210 --> 00:46:39.050
bathroom embrace.
945
00:46:39.269 --> 00:46:42.130
Yeah. It wasn't even a billboard. They were standing there.
946
00:46:42.349 --> 00:46:42.550
Right.
947
00:46:42.690 --> 00:46:46.690
I'm like, if I were given the opportunity to be
948
00:46:46.769 --> 00:46:49.429
on a fly on the wall in their post-coital moment,
949
00:46:49.949 --> 00:46:52.590
And they gave me $ 1, 000 and put a gun to
950
00:46:52.630 --> 00:46:54.809
my head. I don't think I would want to see this.
951
00:46:55.050 --> 00:46:59.849
There's nothing. Even the Hollywood part of this business sucks.
952
00:47:00.150 --> 00:47:03.670
I'm good. Fuck sagging after a fuck you asshole. The
953
00:47:03.730 --> 00:47:09.039
whole town is over. Listen, I did a, they did
954
00:47:09.099 --> 00:47:12.760
a thing with, I think it was Los Angeles Magazine, Dawson,
955
00:47:12.820 --> 00:47:15.579
maybe someone back there can find it. And they did
956
00:47:15.619 --> 00:47:20.389
this thing where they took 50 or 25 or some
957
00:47:20.510 --> 00:47:26.210
amount of notable Los Angelinos, like Los Angelinos in the business,
958
00:47:27.150 --> 00:47:30.010
who grew up here. Because, of course, most people are
959
00:47:30.030 --> 00:47:33.119
from somewhere else and came out here to, you know,
960
00:47:34.440 --> 00:47:38.500
make their fortune. But there's a handful of guys. It's
961
00:47:38.980 --> 00:47:42.880
Steve Martin and 49 other famous locals on growing up
962
00:47:42.940 --> 00:47:46.679
in Los Angeles. So there was Jodie Foster and Mark
963
00:47:46.719 --> 00:47:52.309
Harmon and George Lopez and Josh– who's that? Groban and
964
00:47:52.889 --> 00:47:55.610
Maya Rudolph, David Arquette, Ice Cube, people like that.
965
00:47:56.250 --> 00:47:58.769
And what they did– The Miranda Cosgrove?
966
00:47:59.409 --> 00:48:01.860
Oh, my heart be still.
967
00:48:01.880 --> 00:48:02.260
Who's that?
968
00:48:02.340 --> 00:48:05.239
I have no fucking idea. In a rally show? She
969
00:48:05.260 --> 00:48:07.010
was next to that black guy in the poster. The
970
00:48:07.050 --> 00:48:10.949
point is this. They all did their little love letters
971
00:48:11.090 --> 00:48:13.630
to Los Angeles. They all did the, oh, growing up,
972
00:48:13.710 --> 00:48:15.809
I remember, or I used to like to go to
973
00:48:15.869 --> 00:48:18.170
this place or that place, or this place has the
974
00:48:18.210 --> 00:48:22.860
best tacos in town and blah, blah, blah. Mine was basically,
975
00:48:22.880 --> 00:48:25.039
and I don't know if we can, let's see if
976
00:48:25.059 --> 00:48:28.780
we can find it. Yeah, look around for it. We'll see.
977
00:48:29.289 --> 00:48:32.650
If we can find it, I'll show it to you. Mine, basically,
978
00:48:32.690 --> 00:48:34.409
and if we find it, we find it. I basically
979
00:48:34.469 --> 00:48:39.510
said Los Angeles sucks. And the only thing that's good
980
00:48:39.570 --> 00:48:42.920
about Los Angeles is you can get to the ocean
981
00:48:43.179 --> 00:48:45.139
in half an hour and you get to the mountains
982
00:48:45.420 --> 00:48:47.159
in a half hour if you go the other direction.
983
00:48:47.550 --> 00:48:51.269
and the weather and the topography, but that's plate tectonics.
984
00:48:51.610 --> 00:48:54.769
When it comes to the city officials, the city council
985
00:48:54.849 --> 00:48:57.050
and the mayor, all they're doing is trying to fuck
986
00:48:57.090 --> 00:49:01.000
it up. So we should get zero credit in Los Angeles.
987
00:49:01.440 --> 00:49:06.920
We are basically, I've described Los Angeles as the world's
988
00:49:07.739 --> 00:49:11.840
shittiest burger joint on the world's most crowded corner with
989
00:49:11.980 --> 00:49:14.659
no other competition in the sense that we have a
990
00:49:14.780 --> 00:49:18.449
fucking horrible product, but our weather is so good, we
991
00:49:18.469 --> 00:49:20.659
just sit around and wait for people. to show up
992
00:49:20.719 --> 00:49:23.179
and pay top dollar for our piece of shit burgers.
993
00:49:24.000 --> 00:49:27.380
I used to say to people when I would defend
994
00:49:27.420 --> 00:49:29.510
Los Angeles back when you could defend it, even though
995
00:49:29.530 --> 00:49:32.090
it was going downhill, I said, but there's always this
996
00:49:32.110 --> 00:49:35.489
amazing juxtaposition for the shallow, horrible place.
997
00:49:36.250 --> 00:49:37.250
We had John Wooden.
998
00:49:38.320 --> 00:49:41.309
We had the O'Malleys who owned the Dodgers, and we had,
999
00:49:41.489 --> 00:49:43.250
to me, the best, Vin Scully.
1000
00:49:43.590 --> 00:49:43.969
Sure.
1001
00:49:44.090 --> 00:49:45.769
John Wooden's gone. Peter O'Malley's gone.
1002
00:49:46.489 --> 00:49:51.429
And the only thing that's keeping me from leaving is
1003
00:49:51.469 --> 00:49:53.429
Vin Scully. He's the last of the good.
1004
00:49:53.449 --> 00:49:56.730
Vin, hang on, baby. All right, let's see. Can you
1005
00:49:56.769 --> 00:49:58.849
read that from where you're sitting?
1006
00:49:58.869 --> 00:50:02.150
Yeah, there you go.
1007
00:50:03.449 --> 00:50:05.469
You want to read it out loud? You're more educated
1008
00:50:05.530 --> 00:50:06.070
than I am.
1009
00:50:06.190 --> 00:50:06.389
Sure.
1010
00:50:06.469 --> 00:50:07.230
Oh, I'd love to.
1011
00:50:07.409 --> 00:50:07.769
Thank you.
1012
00:50:07.809 --> 00:50:09.170
I appreciate this opportunity.
1013
00:50:09.369 --> 00:50:09.590
Sure.
1014
00:50:09.809 --> 00:50:11.340
I'm going to give your book a plug. Oh, thank you.
1015
00:50:11.349 --> 00:50:14.300
Righteous Indignation, by the way, is the name of the book.
1016
00:50:14.820 --> 00:50:17.139
Excuse me while I save the world. This is my
1017
00:50:17.219 --> 00:50:20.980
snippet on what I like about Los Angeles.
1018
00:50:21.460 --> 00:50:24.039
Everyone does this thing where they go, you can get
1019
00:50:24.099 --> 00:50:26.480
to the ocean in 25 minutes. You can get to
1020
00:50:26.519 --> 00:50:29.610
the mountains in an hour. Isn't that wonderful? I guess
1021
00:50:29.650 --> 00:50:32.769
the answer is yes. But the school system is unusable.
1022
00:50:32.809 --> 00:50:35.610
The traffic is horrible. Business are fleeing. I don't give
1023
00:50:35.710 --> 00:50:38.130
credit to Villa Ragosa or the city council for the
1024
00:50:38.170 --> 00:50:41.309
mountains or the oceans. That has to do with plate tectonics.
1025
00:50:41.690 --> 00:50:43.969
I give them credit for a graffiti problem that's so
1026
00:50:44.010 --> 00:50:46.840
bad the street signs have to be covered with barbed wire.
1027
00:50:47.280 --> 00:50:49.900
I give credit to God for doing a fair to
1028
00:50:49.940 --> 00:50:52.760
middling job creating the place and to Villa Ragosa and
1029
00:50:52.780 --> 00:50:55.739
the city council for fucking it up. Potholes and a-holes.
1030
00:50:55.780 --> 00:50:56.760
That's Los Angeles.
1031
00:50:57.539 --> 00:51:02.039
Thank you. Now, Justin, Just to show you where I
1032
00:51:02.119 --> 00:51:06.550
come from. Every other one was, oh, I remember going
1033
00:51:06.570 --> 00:51:08.320
down PCH.
1034
00:51:07.619 --> 00:51:08.550
With the Beach Boys.
1035
00:51:08.639 --> 00:51:10.260
Yes, go ahead.
1036
00:51:10.449 --> 00:51:12.710
When I have friends that come from out of town
1037
00:51:12.769 --> 00:51:14.949
and I want to show them the real L.A., I
1038
00:51:15.010 --> 00:51:18.090
take them to the 99 cent store and a hot
1039
00:51:18.130 --> 00:51:20.610
dog on a stick. They're the only things that are
1040
00:51:20.650 --> 00:51:25.829
salvageable in this town. The hot 99 cent store, it's self-explanatory.
1041
00:51:25.889 --> 00:51:26.130
Sure.
1042
00:51:26.510 --> 00:51:30.599
I like the toys there. I like seeing which books
1043
00:51:30.659 --> 00:51:31.519
that they were able to get.
1044
00:51:31.539 --> 00:51:32.900
I like the smell.
1045
00:51:33.300 --> 00:51:33.840
Okay.
1046
00:51:34.199 --> 00:51:38.420
I like seeing the products from Hormel that didn't make
1047
00:51:38.480 --> 00:51:42.050
it past the test phase. So that's fun. And it's
1048
00:51:42.090 --> 00:51:43.690
fun to see the people that are there, a great
1049
00:51:43.750 --> 00:51:46.650
mix of people. Secondly, hot dog on a stick. And
1050
00:51:46.670 --> 00:51:49.030
I take people to hot dog on a stick from
1051
00:51:49.090 --> 00:51:52.320
out of town. Why are we here? And I said,
1052
00:51:52.340 --> 00:51:52.739
you'll know.
1053
00:51:53.320 --> 00:51:57.230
You'll know. You'll know. And they say, but we've been
1054
00:51:57.269 --> 00:51:59.329
standing here for five minutes. Don't worry. You know.
1055
00:51:59.809 --> 00:52:00.949
This isn't subtle stuff.
1056
00:52:01.250 --> 00:52:01.469
Right.
1057
00:52:01.690 --> 00:52:04.869
You'll know. And then out of nowhere, these women who
1058
00:52:04.909 --> 00:52:07.889
are dressed in these weird stewardess outfits from the 1960s
1059
00:52:07.949 --> 00:52:09.780
start pumping lemonade.
1060
00:52:09.840 --> 00:52:10.800
I go, there you go.
1061
00:52:10.880 --> 00:52:12.059
That's my Los Angeles.
1062
00:52:12.260 --> 00:52:14.719
I applied for a job at the hot dog on
1063
00:52:14.760 --> 00:52:15.039
a stick.
1064
00:52:15.079 --> 00:52:16.699
They pay a dollar more an hour.
1065
00:52:16.920 --> 00:52:17.739
That's why I went there.
1066
00:52:17.840 --> 00:52:19.780
Than all of the other stands.
1067
00:52:19.800 --> 00:52:19.920
Yeah.
1068
00:52:20.300 --> 00:52:23.280
When I applied for the job for the one in
1069
00:52:23.320 --> 00:52:26.969
the Sherman Oaks Mall, the Sherman Oaks Galleria back in
1070
00:52:26.989 --> 00:52:29.230
the day where they shot Fast Times at Ridgemont High
1071
00:52:29.250 --> 00:52:32.809
when I was about 17 or 18, they were paying
1072
00:52:32.869 --> 00:52:36.710
like two. I mean, minimum wage was, you know, 250, whatever,
1073
00:52:36.809 --> 00:52:40.349
three bucks. They were paying like 475, five bucks. Like
1074
00:52:40.369 --> 00:52:43.570
they're paying a nice wage. And I wanted a gig
1075
00:52:43.989 --> 00:52:45.940
at Hot Dog on a Stick. And they're like, we're
1076
00:52:45.980 --> 00:52:47.000
just hiring the ladies.
1077
00:52:47.530 --> 00:52:48.320
Yeah, I know.
1078
00:52:48.780 --> 00:52:50.349
Why, by the way, is that okay?
1079
00:52:50.369 --> 00:52:52.429
You should have gone to Gloria Allred and sued.
1080
00:52:52.530 --> 00:52:55.630
Yeah. Can I open a place called Dude on a
1081
00:52:55.670 --> 00:53:01.630
Snatch and go, sorry, we just hired dudes? Yeah, Gloria Allred. Oh,
1082
00:53:01.849 --> 00:53:07.090
my good gracious. Andrew Breitbart, everyone. Righteous indignation. Help me
1083
00:53:07.150 --> 00:53:11.889
out with a couple of these live reads, would you? Sure.
1084
00:53:12.369 --> 00:53:13.530
You like sports, Andrew?
1085
00:53:14.210 --> 00:53:15.409
National League Baseball.
1086
00:53:15.650 --> 00:53:16.030
Yeah.
1087
00:53:16.050 --> 00:53:16.130
Yeah.
1088
00:53:16.820 --> 00:53:20.380
DraftStreet.com is where you go. They've got daily fantasy sports.
1089
00:53:20.900 --> 00:53:25.739
They've got leagues. Oh, yeah. Cash prizes in baseball, football, basketball,
1090
00:53:25.800 --> 00:53:26.260
and hockey.
1091
00:53:26.300 --> 00:53:28.989
Could you find out that Hung Chi Kuo has gone
1092
00:53:29.030 --> 00:53:31.369
on to the DL for the Dodgers because he has
1093
00:53:31.730 --> 00:53:33.190
some type of a nervous disorder?
1094
00:53:33.710 --> 00:53:38.050
No, but you could play against another guy who didn't
1095
00:53:38.110 --> 00:53:40.190
know it, and that would give you an advantage, and
1096
00:53:40.230 --> 00:53:41.670
you would clean up in the.
1097
00:53:42.190 --> 00:53:43.369
Daily fantasy sports leagues.
1098
00:53:43.389 --> 00:53:44.030
That sounds pretty unbelievable.
1099
00:53:44.050 --> 00:53:44.190
Yeah.
1100
00:53:44.929 --> 00:53:48.820
Thousands of dollars awarded every night. Over one million paid
1101
00:53:48.900 --> 00:53:51.559
out to date. Join leagues any time of the day.
1102
00:53:52.119 --> 00:53:54.829
Play against users from all around the world. And entry
1103
00:53:54.889 --> 00:54:00.530
fees range from zero. That's pretty low. It's $ 200, so
1104
00:54:00.570 --> 00:54:03.989
you can check it out. Again, you can do it
1105
00:54:04.170 --> 00:54:07.269
without making a big financial commitment. Again, this is for
1106
00:54:07.309 --> 00:54:09.789
the dude. If you like Vegas and you like the
1107
00:54:09.829 --> 00:54:12.449
rotisserie leagues and you got a little extra cash and
1108
00:54:12.469 --> 00:54:13.789
you like to have a little fun and you want
1109
00:54:13.809 --> 00:54:18.590
to do it from your computer, DraftStreet.com. All major credit
1110
00:54:18.630 --> 00:54:21.469
cards and PayPal accepted, and when you sign up and
1111
00:54:21.530 --> 00:54:25.139
use the promo code ADAM, You get a $ 30 bonus
1112
00:54:25.199 --> 00:54:30.280
on your first deposit. DraftStreet.com. Again, $ 30 bonus. Use the
1113
00:54:30.320 --> 00:54:35.530
promo code Adam. DraftStreet.com. And I think I got one
1114
00:54:35.570 --> 00:54:39.269
more here. Andrew, let's give your Twitter and your website out,
1115
00:54:39.329 --> 00:54:39.789
by the way.
1116
00:54:40.510 --> 00:54:43.869
I have a vile stream on Twitter. I retweet all
1117
00:54:43.909 --> 00:54:46.309
the hatred against me, and it's vulgar. So if you
1118
00:54:46.329 --> 00:54:50.659
can't stand that, don't subscribe to my Andrew Breitbart one word,
1119
00:54:50.880 --> 00:54:58.429
A-N-D-R-E-W B-R-E-I-T-B-A-R-T. That's my Twitter feed. I obsess on it.
1120
00:54:59.090 --> 00:55:02.710
There's nothing better than traveling Wi-Fi from LAX to JFK
1121
00:55:03.090 --> 00:55:05.510
and retweeting my enemies while drinking red wine.
1122
00:55:05.889 --> 00:55:09.340
And I wholeheartedly agree. And what we all need to
1123
00:55:09.400 --> 00:55:12.539
do in life is just start standing up and telling
1124
00:55:12.599 --> 00:55:15.920
people to fuck off. Like I was getting a lot
1125
00:55:15.980 --> 00:55:19.360
of shit. from GLAAD, who is the most miserable band
1126
00:55:19.400 --> 00:55:23.320
of fucks I've ever met in my life. Ironically named GLAAD.
1127
00:55:23.320 --> 00:55:26.079
63%. I think you can't get hotter.
1128
00:55:27.079 --> 00:55:30.039
I cannot stand these douchebags. They're the most angry douchebags
1129
00:55:30.079 --> 00:55:32.590
in the world. I suspect it's because half of them
1130
00:55:32.619 --> 00:55:36.150
were felt up by their stepdad. But either way, they
1131
00:55:36.210 --> 00:55:38.389
give me shit all the time because I go, look,
1132
00:55:38.610 --> 00:55:40.789
if something happened to me and my wife, I would
1133
00:55:40.829 --> 00:55:44.940
like my two twins raised by a mama and a papa. Now,
1134
00:55:45.179 --> 00:55:47.909
that's all things being equal. By the way, this is
1135
00:55:47.949 --> 00:55:50.550
where we're living in the life. This is where I'm
1136
00:55:50.590 --> 00:55:53.690
in a fucking snow globe filled with retards and cat shit.
1137
00:55:54.010 --> 00:55:56.219
I don't know what, and I'm in a paint can shaker.
1138
00:55:56.320 --> 00:55:58.179
I don't know what the fuck's going on around here.
1139
00:55:58.300 --> 00:56:00.550
I can't make a statement like this. By the way,
1140
00:56:00.559 --> 00:56:05.559
I'm called homophobic. because I said all things being equal,
1141
00:56:05.960 --> 00:56:09.869
exactly the same house, same school, same minivans, I would
1142
00:56:09.909 --> 00:56:13.750
like a mama and a papa. Now, if you're talking
1143
00:56:13.789 --> 00:56:16.289
about drug addict mama and papa, then give me the
1144
00:56:16.489 --> 00:56:19.429
upscale gay couple. And if you're talking about a better
1145
00:56:19.650 --> 00:56:22.280
minivan and a better school system and a better house,
1146
00:56:22.320 --> 00:56:25.139
then I would let the gay couple raise my kids.
1147
00:56:25.380 --> 00:56:30.920
But all things being equal, I'm an atheist. I believe
1148
00:56:30.980 --> 00:56:33.010
in nature. See, that's the whole thing. Like, people with
1149
00:56:33.070 --> 00:56:35.349
me are like, hey, you're an atheist. How come you're so...
1150
00:56:35.469 --> 00:56:38.190
I'm into fucking nature. I believe they have a plan.
1151
00:56:38.769 --> 00:56:41.289
And I wouldn't want a polar bear raised by two
1152
00:56:41.349 --> 00:56:44.920
dude polar bears or two chick polar bears. All things
1153
00:56:44.980 --> 00:56:48.280
being equal, I will take the male and the female
1154
00:56:48.739 --> 00:56:52.380
as a nature thing. Had intended it. I'm fine with that.
1155
00:56:52.619 --> 00:56:55.940
That makes me a homophobe? Shut the fuck up, you assholes.
1156
00:56:56.000 --> 00:56:59.119
When GLAAD decides to go to the first AME church
1157
00:56:59.429 --> 00:57:02.329
filled with the black people who are against Prop 8
1158
00:57:02.329 --> 00:57:05.090
and are willing to give the same ire that they
1159
00:57:05.130 --> 00:57:07.769
give you and the Mormon church, I'll listen to them.
1160
00:57:07.829 --> 00:57:09.630
Mount up, homos. Go on down.
1161
00:57:11.150 --> 00:57:14.989
Look, there are gay conservatives who are against gay marriage,
1162
00:57:15.449 --> 00:57:18.800
and they can't speak up because they'll be attacked by GLAAD, too.
1163
00:57:18.900 --> 00:57:22.380
I know, but they're pussies. Because go down and attack
1164
00:57:22.420 --> 00:57:25.800
the black community. They're the loudest voice against you and
1165
00:57:25.840 --> 00:57:26.340
your activities.
1166
00:57:26.400 --> 00:57:27.400
Or the Hispanic community.
1167
00:57:27.420 --> 00:57:29.570
Go on down and talk to the Latinos.
1168
00:57:29.590 --> 00:57:30.050
They won't do it.
1169
00:57:30.050 --> 00:57:31.110
Of course, they're pussies.
1170
00:57:31.130 --> 00:57:32.329
So they go to the Mormon.
1171
00:57:33.010 --> 00:57:37.150
Or they go to El Coyote and they intimidate the
1172
00:57:37.190 --> 00:57:40.170
cashier who gave $ 100 to Prop 8.
1173
00:57:40.170 --> 00:57:42.360
Look, it's the same thing.
1174
00:57:42.380 --> 00:57:43.000
They're thugs.
1175
00:57:43.739 --> 00:57:45.860
Look, it's the same thing with PETA. You're going to
1176
00:57:45.880 --> 00:57:49.199
go throw red dye on some aging actress who's wearing
1177
00:57:49.239 --> 00:57:52.010
a fur coat. How about go down to the Players Ball?
1178
00:57:52.389 --> 00:57:55.170
Go down to Vegas. Go find yourself some pimps going
1179
00:57:55.210 --> 00:57:57.710
into the Players Ball with the red fucking ink and
1180
00:57:57.730 --> 00:58:01.789
see how that goes, dillweeds. That's all I'm saying. Hey, GLAAD,
1181
00:58:02.110 --> 00:58:04.780
head down to the black church and spread the same message.
1182
00:58:04.800 --> 00:58:07.619
They spread to the Mormons. Hey, PETA, go down to
1183
00:58:07.659 --> 00:58:10.659
the players ball and talk to Snoop Dogg and his
1184
00:58:11.219 --> 00:58:12.940
posse about wearing fur. And the thing is, none of
1185
00:58:12.960 --> 00:58:14.639
them— You won't, because you're hypocrite pussies.
1186
00:58:14.719 --> 00:58:15.539
And none of them.
1187
00:58:15.480 --> 00:58:17.860
Wants to improve the condition of the people that they claim.
1188
00:58:18.000 --> 00:58:18.340
Of course.
1189
00:58:18.440 --> 00:58:22.170
They just want to raise money by going after people
1190
00:58:22.210 --> 00:58:24.949
like you so that they can get pork sad people
1191
00:58:24.989 --> 00:58:27.050
to send a $ 100 check thinking that they're going to
1192
00:58:27.150 --> 00:58:29.570
improve their lot in life. Get a job.
1193
00:58:29.650 --> 00:58:32.849
I'd tell them they could blow me, but that might
1194
00:58:32.889 --> 00:58:35.349
be a step in the right direction. All right. One
1195
00:58:35.409 --> 00:58:39.010
man's opinion in face-to-face with Ace. New clips every week
1196
00:58:39.170 --> 00:58:43.909
on the Huffington Post slash comedy, by the way. And, ah,
1197
00:58:44.190 --> 00:58:46.210
one more. Yes, that's right.
1198
00:58:46.309 --> 00:58:47.849
I created the Huffington Post, by the way.
1199
00:58:48.070 --> 00:58:48.550
Is that you?
1200
00:58:48.570 --> 00:58:48.690
Mm-hmm.
1201
00:58:49.579 --> 00:58:52.019
I invented the internet. Is that really? I know you
1202
00:58:52.500 --> 00:58:52.880
worked on.
1203
00:58:52.860 --> 00:58:54.000
The Humvee, but did you create it?
1204
00:58:54.039 --> 00:58:54.940
Yeah, with Ariana.
1205
00:58:54.960 --> 00:58:55.699
It was my idea.
1206
00:58:56.340 --> 00:58:57.530
How is Ariana?
1207
00:58:58.309 --> 00:58:59.309
Oh, she's fantastic.
1208
00:58:59.349 --> 00:59:02.690
She kicked me off of the front page, though, because
1209
00:59:02.929 --> 00:59:03.630
I attacked a.
1210
00:59:03.630 --> 00:59:06.670
Guy by the name of Van Jones, the green czar.
1211
00:59:06.949 --> 00:59:07.730
I love that movie.
1212
00:59:08.949 --> 00:59:09.030
Oh.
1213
00:59:09.920 --> 00:59:12.840
That's a, yeah, that's different movie.
1214
00:59:13.159 --> 00:59:13.340
Yeah.
1215
00:59:13.940 --> 00:59:14.659
He was a commie.
1216
00:59:14.679 --> 00:59:17.530
He was an avowed communist and he had to resign
1217
00:59:17.570 --> 00:59:20.389
from the white house from his green czar position. And
1218
00:59:20.489 --> 00:59:22.170
I called him a communist.
1219
00:59:22.909 --> 00:59:31.570
I don't find her to be as wonderfully, um, quick-witted
1220
00:59:31.809 --> 00:59:34.570
as a lot of folks do. I've sat next to
1221
00:59:34.590 --> 00:59:37.010
her doing politically incorrect about a million times.
1222
00:59:37.030 --> 00:59:38.849
She was better when she was a conservative because that
1223
00:59:38.889 --> 00:59:40.750
was her natural default position.
1224
00:59:41.269 --> 00:59:45.329
Yeah, I find her sort of loading up her isms
1225
00:59:45.610 --> 00:59:49.969
and parroting them out, but not so much. Most of
1226
00:59:49.989 --> 00:59:52.309
her stuff is meant to be off the cuff, but
1227
00:59:52.369 --> 00:59:53.309
it's pre-prepared.
1228
00:59:53.389 --> 00:59:54.289
That's what I find.
1229
00:59:55.849 --> 00:59:57.590
I just know from sitting next to her. But no,
1230
00:59:57.639 --> 01:00:01.949
but seriously, when... When the American public watches her sit
1231
01:00:01.989 --> 01:00:03.940
next to Bill Maher, they go, oh, that was a
1232
01:00:04.000 --> 01:00:06.219
good one. Oh, she's fast on her feet. But the
1233
01:00:06.239 --> 01:00:12.440
reality is, is those are things that she has chambered. Yes. Oh, yes. Yeah.
1234
01:00:12.519 --> 01:00:15.639
Thank you, Andrew. It's a big fat yes. Oh, you
1235
01:00:15.659 --> 01:00:16.880
travel around a lot, right?
1236
01:00:17.219 --> 01:00:19.469
Yeah, I'm all over the place. I'm going to Idaho
1237
01:00:19.510 --> 01:00:19.840
next week.
1238
01:00:19.860 --> 01:00:22.349
You do battle with your demons, with your red wine
1239
01:00:22.389 --> 01:00:22.969
on the road.
1240
01:00:22.989 --> 01:00:23.309
New York.
1241
01:00:23.329 --> 01:00:24.429
Yeah, New York.
1242
01:00:24.469 --> 01:00:26.469
I think I'm going to be doing like this big book.
1243
01:00:27.010 --> 01:00:29.489
Festival in New York.
1244
01:00:29.550 --> 01:00:33.010
New York, 27th. You shouldn't go anywhere without GoToMyPC.
1245
01:00:33.949 --> 01:00:34.170
Yeah?
1246
01:00:34.530 --> 01:00:34.829
Oh, yeah.
1247
01:00:34.869 --> 01:00:38.960
You try GoToMyPC? They're by Citrix. Great guys, great group,
1248
01:00:39.079 --> 01:00:42.760
great sponsors. And you travel around, you bring your laptop,
1249
01:00:42.880 --> 01:00:45.019
and you can get to your home computer or your
1250
01:00:45.059 --> 01:00:48.679
work computer. Or, better yet, you can travel around with
1251
01:00:48.719 --> 01:00:51.559
an iPad. And you can secure it. There's your iPad.
1252
01:00:51.800 --> 01:00:53.760
And you can secure it. Now, what if I told
1253
01:00:53.840 --> 01:00:56.949
you literally right here or whatever airport you're in or
1254
01:00:56.989 --> 01:00:59.210
wherever you're at, you went, shit, there's something on my
1255
01:00:59.269 --> 01:01:01.929
home computer or something on my office computer. And you
1256
01:01:01.969 --> 01:01:06.199
literally just access it from your iPad right there. Log
1257
01:01:06.239 --> 01:01:07.199
in from any Mac.
1258
01:01:07.539 --> 01:01:09.360
Will this be available by 2017?
1259
01:01:09.360 --> 01:01:12.820
It's here and it is now. Wow. And there's a special,
1260
01:01:13.280 --> 01:01:16.210
you can try it for 45 days free. Only if
1261
01:01:16.230 --> 01:01:21.130
you use the promo code Adam. Visit GoToMyPC.com. GoToMyPC.com. You
1262
01:01:21.150 --> 01:01:24.949
should be using this thing with all the traveling you're doing. GoToMyPC.com.
1263
01:01:24.989 --> 01:01:27.250
How many times have you been somewhere, like an airport,
1264
01:01:27.269 --> 01:01:29.030
and you've been talking to someone? For me, I always
1265
01:01:29.070 --> 01:01:31.969
want to show them pictures of my car. And I'm like, oh,
1266
01:01:32.469 --> 01:01:34.929
it's not on. I can't. It's on my home computer.
1267
01:01:34.949 --> 01:01:37.929
I don't have it on. You know, go to my PC.
1268
01:01:37.969 --> 01:01:38.530
You could do it.
1269
01:01:38.659 --> 01:01:41.960
You could show pictures of Maria Conchita Alonso from Moscow
1270
01:01:41.980 --> 01:01:42.539
on the Hudson.
1271
01:01:42.579 --> 01:01:46.349
Slow down. Click on the Tried Free button and use
1272
01:01:46.389 --> 01:01:49.510
the promo code. I'm not a racist. I beat off
1273
01:01:49.530 --> 01:01:51.150
the Maria Conchita Alonso.
1274
01:01:52.309 --> 01:01:52.630
Yeah.
1275
01:01:53.170 --> 01:01:54.670
And I did it when she was in that Sean
1276
01:01:54.730 --> 01:01:59.760
Penn movie. All right. We will take ourselves a quick break.
1277
01:02:00.239 --> 01:02:03.320
We'll be back. Oh, yeah. Well, we're going to say
1278
01:02:03.360 --> 01:02:06.420
bye to Andrew. Andrew Breitbart, one of the good ones,
1279
01:02:06.480 --> 01:02:07.360
fighting the good fight.
1280
01:02:07.400 --> 01:02:07.739
Thank you.
1281
01:02:07.940 --> 01:02:08.719
I'll see you.
1282
01:02:09.139 --> 01:02:11.070
Your comment section is going to be filled with the
1283
01:02:11.110 --> 01:02:12.449
people who like to get me banned.
1284
01:02:13.429 --> 01:02:14.059
From media.
1285
01:02:14.260 --> 01:02:17.019
Well, you people can all suck your own dicks because
1286
01:02:17.079 --> 01:02:19.820
I don't care. James Blunt up next.
1287
01:02:22.420 --> 01:02:25.449
The Adam Carolla Show is now streaming live on Ustream,
1288
01:02:25.449 --> 01:02:26.230
8 p.m.
1289
01:02:26.269 --> 01:02:28.010
Pacific, Sunday through Thursday.
1290
01:02:28.349 --> 01:02:31.630
Interact with other listeners and ace broadcasting crew members in
1291
01:02:31.650 --> 01:02:34.250
the chat room and get exclusive full episodes.
1292
01:02:34.510 --> 01:02:38.480
You can't see or hear. James Blunt, our guest today
1293
01:02:38.559 --> 01:02:41.159
via Skype and a computer. Where are you, James?
1294
01:02:42.239 --> 01:02:43.360
I am in Reno.
1295
01:02:44.239 --> 01:02:45.420
Oh, it's beautiful there.
1296
01:02:45.760 --> 01:02:47.539
Nevada. In fact, I don't know if you'll be able
1297
01:02:47.559 --> 01:02:48.260
to see out.
1298
01:02:49.539 --> 01:02:49.900
Wow.
1299
01:02:49.920 --> 01:02:53.730
Let me see if you can see. That's the view outside.
1300
01:02:54.789 --> 01:02:55.949
What a time we're living in.
1301
01:02:55.989 --> 01:02:57.429
I'm playing in a casino tonight.
1302
01:02:58.329 --> 01:02:59.869
What casino are you in?
1303
01:03:01.269 --> 01:03:02.989
I think it's called the Silver Legacy.
1304
01:03:03.530 --> 01:03:08.150
I'm trying to think. Actually, I thought I was in Reno, Nevada,
1305
01:03:08.170 --> 01:03:11.519
but there it is. I was in Sparks. Nevada. And
1306
01:03:11.559 --> 01:03:14.199
by the way, the one thing you do, you do
1307
01:03:14.219 --> 01:03:18.719
got to dig about Reno is if you live in L.A.,
1308
01:03:18.760 --> 01:03:21.800
it's all no smoking, no smoking in the restaurant, no
1309
01:03:21.860 --> 01:03:24.670
smoking at the bar, no smoking in front of the restaurant.
1310
01:03:25.170 --> 01:03:27.429
When you show up to the hotel in Reno, they
1311
01:03:27.469 --> 01:03:30.329
hand you a cigarette and a lighter. Even kids. Yes,
1312
01:03:30.409 --> 01:03:31.510
there it is. What is it?
1313
01:03:32.670 --> 01:03:35.789
The ashtray and the matches are in the hotel room. I,
1314
01:03:36.090 --> 01:03:38.090
I don't know why I miss that.
1315
01:03:38.389 --> 01:03:41.119
I miss that. And I miss like the old British
1316
01:03:41.239 --> 01:03:44.159
cars that would have the cigarette lighter in the rear
1317
01:03:44.599 --> 01:03:47.039
and the ashtray in the rear, like just a scent,
1318
01:03:47.340 --> 01:03:48.519
a dens for smoking for.
1319
01:03:48.460 --> 01:03:51.199
The kids, just for the kids to smoke.
1320
01:03:52.099 --> 01:03:55.360
Uh, James and I were speaking at a, I think
1321
01:03:55.420 --> 01:03:58.559
it was a Halloween party about two years ago. Does
1322
01:03:58.579 --> 01:03:59.260
that sound right?
1323
01:04:00.550 --> 01:04:02.190
No, I think that was someone dressed up as me
1324
01:04:02.250 --> 01:04:03.010
at the Halloween party.
1325
01:04:03.030 --> 01:04:03.750
Oh, my God.
1326
01:04:03.789 --> 01:04:06.190
The guy said he was about 6'3, and he was
1327
01:04:06.230 --> 01:04:08.710
a black dude. And he kept saying, yeah, man, I'm
1328
01:04:08.750 --> 01:04:11.480
James Blunt. And I said, you mean Mel Blunt? And
1329
01:04:11.500 --> 01:04:14.579
he said, no, man, James Blunt. But he never pulled
1330
01:04:14.599 --> 01:04:19.179
the mask off. Now, was it your producer's house up
1331
01:04:19.219 --> 01:04:23.789
there in the Hollywood Hills? James froze.
1332
01:04:23.809 --> 01:04:25.789
It was actually a really fun place, wasn't it?
1333
01:04:26.190 --> 01:04:30.699
Yeah, that house is... next door to Jimmy Kimmel's old
1334
01:04:30.780 --> 01:04:35.519
house and down the street from my current house. And
1335
01:04:35.820 --> 01:04:39.030
James and I were talking quite a bit about the military.
1336
01:04:39.969 --> 01:04:43.630
And I guess it's sort of for you because you
1337
01:04:43.670 --> 01:04:47.110
don't seem like that type. I run into the same
1338
01:04:47.170 --> 01:04:50.559
thing because I'm a comedian and people say, how did
1339
01:04:50.599 --> 01:04:52.480
you get into this? How did you get into radio?
1340
01:04:52.500 --> 01:04:54.429
How'd you get into TV? And I say, I used
1341
01:04:54.469 --> 01:04:57.269
to be a boxing instructor and I trained Jimmy Kimmel
1342
01:04:57.289 --> 01:04:59.030
to box and he got me on the radio and
1343
01:04:59.050 --> 01:05:01.199
everyone laughs and goes, get the fuck out of here.
1344
01:05:01.860 --> 01:05:03.920
And I realized you must get the same thing when
1345
01:05:03.960 --> 01:05:05.940
you're talking about military stuff, right?
1346
01:05:06.579 --> 01:05:08.860
Yeah, I absolutely don't believe you that you've ever been
1347
01:05:08.880 --> 01:05:09.440
a boxing trainer.
1348
01:05:09.599 --> 01:05:12.260
I don't believe that you've ever been inside a half track.
1349
01:05:14.949 --> 01:05:16.769
Yeah, well, you know, I just look much bigger with
1350
01:05:16.809 --> 01:05:17.230
a gun.
1351
01:05:18.969 --> 01:05:21.510
But yeah, I did six years in the Army, and
1352
01:05:21.969 --> 01:05:23.789
I'm kind of glad I did it that way around
1353
01:05:23.849 --> 01:05:27.050
and became a musician afterwards, because it would be tougher
1354
01:05:27.090 --> 01:05:28.650
to have done it the other way around.
1355
01:05:29.150 --> 01:05:33.710
Do you feel— well, I'll try not to put words in
1356
01:05:33.730 --> 01:05:38.239
your mouth, but I feel that, at least personally, my
1357
01:05:38.340 --> 01:05:43.199
history of playing football and then working construction and really
1358
01:05:43.480 --> 01:05:47.690
working for a living, essentially— has made show business easier.
1359
01:05:47.789 --> 01:05:50.769
Because when someone says, could you call into this radio
1360
01:05:50.829 --> 01:05:54.230
station on Thursday morning, I don't look at that as work.
1361
01:05:54.730 --> 01:05:56.070
I look at that as a phone call.
1362
01:05:56.780 --> 01:05:59.219
Yeah, you know, I think it made some parts of
1363
01:05:59.239 --> 01:06:00.639
it much easier. You know, it kind of gives you
1364
01:06:00.659 --> 01:06:03.099
a perspective. And so I know that I'm having fun.
1365
01:06:03.119 --> 01:06:05.280
I know that I'm really lucky to have this job.
1366
01:06:05.360 --> 01:06:06.820
I know that if ever I have a tough day,
1367
01:06:07.099 --> 01:06:09.599
it's a phone call to my friends in Afghanistan to
1368
01:06:09.639 --> 01:06:11.179
know that they're the ones who are having, you know,
1369
01:06:11.619 --> 01:06:13.320
they've got, as you say, a proper job and living
1370
01:06:13.340 --> 01:06:14.360
a much tougher time.
1371
01:06:14.380 --> 01:06:15.409
Then again.
1372
01:06:15.949 --> 01:06:18.929
I think the time in my army days, then coming
1373
01:06:18.949 --> 01:06:21.349
into this business where it's, you know, the music business
1374
01:06:21.389 --> 01:06:24.889
nowadays is 80% hair and makeup. And to have to
1375
01:06:24.929 --> 01:06:28.170
deal with the fickleness of this, to be asked the
1376
01:06:28.210 --> 01:06:31.409
most ridiculous questions or to have the most ridiculous things
1377
01:06:31.650 --> 01:06:35.809
put on me, sometimes is mind-numbing. And you think, wow,
1378
01:06:35.849 --> 01:06:37.909
so my time in the army is kind of tainted
1379
01:06:38.309 --> 01:06:40.739
that if I'd done this from an early age perspective,
1380
01:06:41.710 --> 01:06:43.829
questions about what I was wearing maybe would seem relevant.
1381
01:06:44.239 --> 01:06:44.469
Right.
1382
01:06:44.880 --> 01:06:47.699
And also it is one of those things where when
1383
01:06:47.719 --> 01:06:50.000
you're sitting in a hot tub too long, you want
1384
01:06:50.039 --> 01:06:53.000
to take a dip in a cold bath. And when
1385
01:06:53.019 --> 01:06:54.460
you're in the cold bath, you want to get into
1386
01:06:54.500 --> 01:06:57.320
the hot tub. It's this sort of thing where when
1387
01:06:57.340 --> 01:06:59.920
you've been asked stupid questions and had makeup put on
1388
01:06:59.940 --> 01:07:01.619
you for too long, you want to get out in
1389
01:07:01.639 --> 01:07:04.070
the field and shoot a 44. And when you've been
1390
01:07:04.110 --> 01:07:06.010
out in the sun too long, you kind of want
1391
01:07:06.030 --> 01:07:08.710
to get in the shade. It's this weird balance thing.
1392
01:07:09.329 --> 01:07:12.429
Yeah, exactly that. When you're having too much fun, you
1393
01:07:12.449 --> 01:07:13.760
want a little bit of pain and misery.
1394
01:07:14.519 --> 01:07:15.760
So you did six years.
1395
01:07:15.820 --> 01:07:17.980
Your father was in the service as well. He was
1396
01:07:18.000 --> 01:07:18.739
in the Air Corps?
1397
01:07:19.659 --> 01:07:20.159
Yeah, that's right.
1398
01:07:20.179 --> 01:07:23.860
He's a helicopter pilot. And so actually that was great
1399
01:07:23.880 --> 01:07:25.699
for me. I then got into flying myself. I could
1400
01:07:25.719 --> 01:07:28.159
fly a plane when I was 16 years old before
1401
01:07:28.179 --> 01:07:30.960
I could even drive a car, which is absolutely lethal.
1402
01:07:32.079 --> 01:07:35.570
And then I did lots of training with the army,
1403
01:07:35.590 --> 01:07:38.190
but I actually ended up joining a reconnaissance regiment.
1404
01:07:38.760 --> 01:07:41.559
I heard you talking about that somewhere. And by the way,
1405
01:07:42.239 --> 01:07:44.320
Some Kind of Trouble is the name of the album
1406
01:07:44.380 --> 01:07:47.840
I should mention for James. And also, he's heading out
1407
01:07:47.900 --> 01:07:50.630
on his world tour, going to Canada and Australia next.
1408
01:07:50.690 --> 01:07:52.730
So you can check it out. You can Twitter him.
1409
01:07:52.769 --> 01:07:55.070
You can go to jamesblunt.com. You can figure out all
1410
01:07:55.090 --> 01:07:58.829
the tour dates and all that. So just so as
1411
01:07:58.849 --> 01:08:01.030
we're not talking so much about the, you know, essentially
1412
01:08:01.070 --> 01:08:05.400
doing a one-hour plug for the UK's military and not
1413
01:08:05.440 --> 01:08:09.469
getting a little James Blunt love in. But the recon,
1414
01:08:10.309 --> 01:08:16.229
how did that work? Because that seems potentially pretty dangerous.
1415
01:08:18.010 --> 01:08:18.329
Yeah.
1416
01:08:18.449 --> 01:08:20.310
I mean, it's been great training for what I do now.
1417
01:08:20.369 --> 01:08:24.210
It was creeping around in bushes, basically stalking people. And,
1418
01:08:24.609 --> 01:08:26.470
you know, some of my best songs have come as
1419
01:08:26.510 --> 01:08:27.350
a result of that.
1420
01:08:27.430 --> 01:08:27.729
Sure.
1421
01:08:29.689 --> 01:08:32.310
But the training, obviously, and then, you know, the operational
1422
01:08:32.329 --> 01:08:36.300
side of reconnaissance training. is uh is a very exciting
1423
01:08:36.340 --> 01:08:40.859
job you're um miles ahead um of your you know
1424
01:08:40.880 --> 01:08:42.979
the main the main body of your army you're the
1425
01:08:43.420 --> 01:08:46.939
eyes and the ears of your army um you you
1426
01:08:47.470 --> 01:08:50.090
go out to be unseen to find an enemy to
1427
01:08:50.289 --> 01:08:54.090
um target and locate an enemy um and then you
1428
01:08:54.109 --> 01:08:55.909
know an array of different jobs come in from that
1429
01:08:55.949 --> 01:08:58.850
whether you're just passing back information or whether then you're
1430
01:08:58.869 --> 01:09:02.550
calling in you know fast air or some kind of
1431
01:09:03.090 --> 01:09:05.979
you know some kind of overwatch above you so yeah
1432
01:09:06.229 --> 01:09:08.180
as jobs go it's a very exciting one and yet
1433
01:09:08.189 --> 01:09:10.979
potentially very dangerous it has some very funny moments along
1434
01:09:11.000 --> 01:09:13.779
the way you know you bump into an enemy by
1435
01:09:13.819 --> 01:09:18.500
mistake and both sides have a panic and is a
1436
01:09:19.300 --> 01:09:21.600
kind of hysterical moment. And then, of course, other times
1437
01:09:22.279 --> 01:09:25.510
where you locate an enemy and do a specific job,
1438
01:09:25.739 --> 01:09:29.250
and it's right at the forefront of things.
1439
01:09:30.090 --> 01:09:34.210
What is your mode of transportation when you're doing that?
1440
01:09:35.189 --> 01:09:36.989
I mean, how much is on foot?
1441
01:09:38.170 --> 01:09:39.109
Very small tanks.
1442
01:09:39.149 --> 01:09:44.060
They look like tanks, but they're very, very small tanks. Um,
1443
01:09:44.069 --> 01:09:46.350
they fit three people and, uh, and that's what we
1444
01:09:46.449 --> 01:09:48.760
will move in. I guess the armor is only really
1445
01:09:48.779 --> 01:09:52.939
good for small arms fire, you know, um, um, mortars, grenades,
1446
01:09:52.960 --> 01:09:56.220
that kind of thing. Um, and, uh, and the most
1447
01:09:56.220 --> 01:09:58.840
70% of the time you're, um, you're out of that
1448
01:09:58.960 --> 01:10:01.420
and you're creeping around in the bushes, um, on your
1449
01:10:01.680 --> 01:10:02.600
feet and your belt buckle.
1450
01:10:02.920 --> 01:10:06.380
Did you, um, I hate to get morbid here for
1451
01:10:06.399 --> 01:10:10.369
a second, but, uh, fresh off the, uh, the, uh,
1452
01:10:11.420 --> 01:10:14.739
Bin Laden being brought to justice. I like when they
1453
01:10:14.760 --> 01:10:17.779
say brought to justice. But I'm all for it. Don't
1454
01:10:17.819 --> 01:10:20.939
get me wrong. But if you creep over a hill
1455
01:10:21.279 --> 01:10:24.699
and you see the enemy bivouacked, do they use that
1456
01:10:24.760 --> 01:10:27.600
word in Britain? Bivouacked? I like that.
1457
01:10:27.619 --> 01:10:27.699
Yeah.
1458
01:10:29.090 --> 01:10:33.050
You call in their coordinates and you call in an airstrike.
1459
01:10:33.409 --> 01:10:36.220
You realize as you sit there up on that hill
1460
01:10:36.939 --> 01:10:39.279
that there's going to be these guys who are either
1461
01:10:39.380 --> 01:10:42.340
sleeping or eating breakfast or taking a leak are going
1462
01:10:42.359 --> 01:10:46.119
to be dead in 20 minutes. Is that weird? Is
1463
01:10:46.159 --> 01:10:48.699
that surreal? Does it bother you? Or does it go
1464
01:10:48.739 --> 01:10:49.399
down that way?
1465
01:10:51.159 --> 01:10:53.439
For me, I think I was fortunate to be in
1466
01:10:54.640 --> 01:10:57.539
what I understood to be the right war. I was
1467
01:10:57.600 --> 01:11:02.600
involved in the Kosovo conflict in 99. The Serbs were
1468
01:11:02.640 --> 01:11:08.159
murdering the Kosovo Albanians by their thousands, really. They were
1469
01:11:08.189 --> 01:11:11.069
getting in there, using their army to just murder civilians
1470
01:11:11.149 --> 01:11:15.029
in the most gruesome and imaginative ways possible. We went
1471
01:11:15.069 --> 01:11:17.210
and spoke to them and we pushed them to stop
1472
01:11:17.250 --> 01:11:20.649
murdering people. And they continued. And they did so with
1473
01:11:21.010 --> 01:11:24.779
great ferocity and knowing exactly what they were doing. And
1474
01:11:24.819 --> 01:11:26.279
so eventually we said, if you just if you don't
1475
01:11:26.319 --> 01:11:28.439
stop murdering these people, then we're going to come in
1476
01:11:28.539 --> 01:11:29.739
and we're going to use force against you.
1477
01:11:29.899 --> 01:11:31.270
And they said, fine, do that.
1478
01:11:31.970 --> 01:11:35.829
And so whenever we were doing, you know, we're acting
1479
01:11:35.930 --> 01:11:38.350
against them in an aggressive manner. What we were doing
1480
01:11:38.390 --> 01:11:40.949
was we were stopping them murdering people. So it felt
1481
01:11:41.020 --> 01:11:42.500
entirely justified. Yeah.
1482
01:11:42.739 --> 01:11:45.399
Well, no, I'm all I'm all for a good war. And,
1483
01:11:45.539 --> 01:11:47.199
you know, the problem is, is there's a lot of
1484
01:11:47.359 --> 01:11:49.909
fog and gray area that seems to have blown in.
1485
01:11:50.500 --> 01:11:51.300
It used to be so.
1486
01:11:52.399 --> 01:11:54.399
And war is a desperately unpleasant place. And for me,
1487
01:11:54.649 --> 01:11:56.529
you know, the sadness was that we had a chance
1488
01:11:56.909 --> 01:11:58.710
to speak to people and say, let's, you know, let's
1489
01:11:58.729 --> 01:12:02.250
try and find our common ground as humans, as civilized humans.
1490
01:12:03.270 --> 01:12:06.289
And and yet along the way, which is always surprising to,
1491
01:12:06.310 --> 01:12:08.810
you know, to anyone with a clear mind is you
1492
01:12:08.840 --> 01:12:11.239
meet people who are totally inhumane, who are happy to
1493
01:12:11.279 --> 01:12:11.840
treat other.
1494
01:12:11.720 --> 01:12:16.859
People as less than human. And yeah. And to inflict pain,
1495
01:12:16.899 --> 01:12:18.100
suffering and death.
1496
01:12:18.539 --> 01:12:21.399
And those people, you know, then it's sad that you
1497
01:12:21.420 --> 01:12:24.350
then have to reach a stage of using force against them.
1498
01:12:24.619 --> 01:12:28.750
I feel that way in a even a more macro way,
1499
01:12:29.390 --> 01:12:34.750
which is I, as an adult, am confused. And it's
1500
01:12:34.810 --> 01:12:40.960
something I've been wrestling with as thankfully my situations aren't
1501
01:12:41.079 --> 01:12:45.020
life and death. But I always thought as educated, right
1502
01:12:45.100 --> 01:12:49.010
thinking people. English speaking adults that I could speak to
1503
01:12:49.050 --> 01:12:53.100
another party and lay out, you know, essentially say, like
1504
01:12:53.159 --> 01:12:56.729
you guys said, look, we would love to reach an
1505
01:12:56.770 --> 01:12:59.369
agreement with you folks, and we would love to not
1506
01:12:59.449 --> 01:13:02.449
have to call in airstrikes and kill you people, and
1507
01:13:02.590 --> 01:13:06.189
all we're asking is that you do this. And as
1508
01:13:06.250 --> 01:13:09.770
a kid, I thought adults would go, okay, I hear
1509
01:13:09.810 --> 01:13:12.770
what you're saying, and we could do this, but it
1510
01:13:12.869 --> 01:13:15.470
doesn't seem to work that way. It gets to the
1511
01:13:15.529 --> 01:13:18.770
point where you're calling in a few hurricanes to lay
1512
01:13:18.810 --> 01:13:23.479
down some incendiary bombs, and I found this even in
1513
01:13:23.590 --> 01:13:27.609
business quite a bit, and I can't understand it for
1514
01:13:27.649 --> 01:13:31.060
the life of me. I really am confused by it,
1515
01:13:31.210 --> 01:13:33.390
and do you know what I'm talking about, or am
1516
01:13:33.470 --> 01:13:34.470
I just rambling here?
1517
01:13:36.189 --> 01:13:38.670
I see that in everyday life, and I think it's
1518
01:13:38.909 --> 01:13:40.109
a strange thing.
1519
01:13:40.140 --> 01:13:42.579
I think we talk about humans as civilized, and we
1520
01:13:42.619 --> 01:13:44.779
expect ourselves to be, and I think we're closer to
1521
01:13:44.880 --> 01:13:49.020
animals than than we necessarily think. And, yeah, as you say,
1522
01:13:49.060 --> 01:13:51.899
in business, it's a weird thing. People are greedy and
1523
01:13:51.920 --> 01:13:53.479
want to take more from their.
1524
01:13:53.380 --> 01:13:54.619
Neighbor, want more than their neighbor.
1525
01:13:54.640 --> 01:13:56.539
And actually what you should really want is you probably
1526
01:13:56.579 --> 01:13:58.810
want to have the same amount as your neighbor. Right.
1527
01:13:58.829 --> 01:14:00.750
Because then your neighbor's not going to be aggressive or
1528
01:14:00.789 --> 01:14:04.369
threatened by you or jealous of you, nor you of him.
1529
01:14:04.430 --> 01:14:06.670
Instead, you're going to be in balance and harmony.
1530
01:14:07.569 --> 01:14:09.810
And so, yeah, if I was to sell anything to anyone,
1531
01:14:09.829 --> 01:14:12.680
I would want to sell it for the right price
1532
01:14:12.699 --> 01:14:15.069
so that they're happy as well as I'm happy, so
1533
01:14:15.090 --> 01:14:17.250
that we all can look each other in the eye
1534
01:14:17.550 --> 01:14:19.170
and live in a neighborly fashion.
1535
01:14:19.750 --> 01:14:27.090
I had this situation with my book publisher, who's, well,
1536
01:14:27.130 --> 01:14:30.859
there's Crown, and then there's Random House, and I came
1537
01:14:30.899 --> 01:14:35.920
to them with this proposal that was wildly equitable, and
1538
01:14:35.979 --> 01:14:38.979
I just said, you know, I'll do a second audiobook,
1539
01:14:39.140 --> 01:14:41.760
and the first audiobook was really successful, and I'll do
1540
01:14:41.779 --> 01:14:44.829
a second one, and We'll split the profits down the middle.
1541
01:14:45.550 --> 01:14:48.369
And they ended up getting sort of nitpicky about something.
1542
01:14:48.979 --> 01:14:52.159
And I said, look, we'll either split it 50-50 or
1543
01:14:52.319 --> 01:14:54.399
we'll not do it at all. And then we'll have
1544
01:14:54.460 --> 01:14:58.319
no money. And they said, fine. And I said, really?
1545
01:14:58.340 --> 01:15:00.680
And they were like, yeah. And that was the end
1546
01:15:00.720 --> 01:15:03.640
of that. And I just sort of got off the
1547
01:15:03.699 --> 01:15:06.739
phone and thought, what the fuck is going on? There's
1548
01:15:06.779 --> 01:15:08.520
a lot of this that's going on. I mean, whether
1549
01:15:08.539 --> 01:15:11.930
it's the Kosovo's or whoever you're bombing over there saying,
1550
01:15:11.939 --> 01:15:13.810
you Who'd you bomb over there?
1551
01:15:15.010 --> 01:15:15.670
I'm the Serbs.
1552
01:15:15.689 --> 01:15:18.310
The Serbs, sorry. Whether it's the Serbs sort of drawing
1553
01:15:18.350 --> 01:15:20.710
a line in the sand and then going to get
1554
01:15:20.810 --> 01:15:25.760
slaughtered by a couple tornadoes, or it's a random house going, fine,
1555
01:15:25.979 --> 01:15:29.220
we'll take half of nothing. It's weird. It's like, what?
1556
01:15:29.340 --> 01:15:31.840
Why are we doing? Where's the pride coming in? I
1557
01:15:32.720 --> 01:15:35.539
understand there's something called pride, but you're getting slaughtered now,
1558
01:15:35.680 --> 01:15:39.369
or you're getting zero money. How's that factor in?
1559
01:15:40.050 --> 01:15:42.489
Yeah, no, it can be a crazy, crazy world.
1560
01:15:43.890 --> 01:15:46.670
I think I wanted the title of my next book
1561
01:15:46.710 --> 01:15:50.210
to be I had no idea adults would be this dumb.
1562
01:15:50.869 --> 01:15:52.890
Like when when you were a kid, didn't you just
1563
01:15:52.930 --> 01:15:54.649
think adults were smart?
1564
01:15:56.829 --> 01:15:59.140
Yeah. No, I think they were. I think we were children.
1565
01:15:59.149 --> 01:16:00.439
So they were just confusing.
1566
01:16:01.939 --> 01:16:03.840
I thought they were just kind of true. I thought
1567
01:16:03.859 --> 01:16:06.260
they knew something that I didn't know. And now that
1568
01:16:06.279 --> 01:16:08.819
I've become an adult and I hang around with adults,
1569
01:16:08.960 --> 01:16:12.470
I can't believe how dumb most adults are. That's the
1570
01:16:12.510 --> 01:16:19.729
thing that's a revelation to me in my adult life. Uh-oh,
1571
01:16:19.899 --> 01:16:21.239
James froze up for a second.
1572
01:16:21.640 --> 01:16:22.739
Well, I suppose that's.
1573
01:16:22.640 --> 01:16:25.760
Why nowadays we listen to children and the honesty. Well,
1574
01:16:25.779 --> 01:16:28.439
that's why we hear the honesty of children nowadays, don't we?
1575
01:16:28.819 --> 01:16:34.199
Yeah, from the mouth of babes. So, James, how does
1576
01:16:34.239 --> 01:16:38.439
your career arc go? You're in the military. You have
1577
01:16:38.520 --> 01:16:42.640
six years in the military. You're a pilot. at least
1578
01:16:42.720 --> 01:16:47.789
a civilian pilot. You love flying. I don't know if
1579
01:16:47.829 --> 01:16:57.590
you still fly today. Do you still? We got a
1580
01:16:57.689 --> 01:17:01.079
little screw-up going on with our Skype. By the way, Dawson,
1581
01:17:01.520 --> 01:17:05.800
has Skype ever worked? I don't think so. I don't
1582
01:17:05.819 --> 01:17:10.039
think it's ever worked. It's the weirdest. I used to,
1583
01:17:10.470 --> 01:17:12.550
There's James. I used to do it in my live show.
1584
01:17:12.560 --> 01:17:14.289
I don't know if James can hear me. We tried
1585
01:17:14.329 --> 01:17:17.649
it about 10 times, and it never worked. And we'd
1586
01:17:17.710 --> 01:17:19.810
Skype in a guest on my live show, but it
1587
01:17:19.829 --> 01:17:22.149
would never work. And then Donnie, every time we'd do
1588
01:17:22.170 --> 01:17:24.210
the show, would go, hey, do you want to do Skype?
1589
01:17:24.250 --> 01:17:26.470
And I'd go, yes, I would love to, except for
1590
01:17:27.449 --> 01:17:28.350
it's never worked.
1591
01:17:28.590 --> 01:17:30.210
I think it also has to do with the Internet
1592
01:17:30.229 --> 01:17:32.569
capabilities of this warehouse.
1593
01:17:33.590 --> 01:17:35.710
No, because we do it on the road all over
1594
01:17:35.770 --> 01:17:39.630
the country, and it never worked. James, can you hear me? Sorry.
1595
01:17:41.529 --> 01:17:43.989
Yeah, Ken, for me, the greatest disappointment with Skype is,
1596
01:17:44.010 --> 01:17:46.029
you know, you always said other Skype dates so you
1597
01:17:46.069 --> 01:17:47.109
can have Skype sex.
1598
01:17:47.680 --> 01:17:48.939
That's when it always crashes.
1599
01:17:49.000 --> 01:17:51.680
And just as you get into the nitty gritty, that's
1600
01:17:51.720 --> 01:17:52.560
when it goes wrong.
1601
01:17:53.420 --> 01:17:55.420
I'm glad you have frustration.
1602
01:17:55.640 --> 01:17:57.140
I've got room service coming.
1603
01:17:57.760 --> 01:18:01.659
Oh, you got room service coming. Well, this will be fun. Now,
1604
01:18:01.720 --> 01:18:03.880
here's the thing I don't like about room service. They
1605
01:18:03.939 --> 01:18:06.119
build in the tip, but then you have to tip
1606
01:18:06.149 --> 01:18:10.310
the guy. I know. James, give him $ 100. Hey, this
1607
01:18:10.380 --> 01:18:16.380
guy sold 18 million albums, sir. 18 million records. 18 million.
1608
01:18:16.760 --> 01:18:18.960
And he gets $ 10 for every unit.
1609
01:18:18.979 --> 01:18:19.319
Thank you.
1610
01:18:19.359 --> 01:18:27.430
You're welcome. Let's see what James Blunt ordered for lunch,
1611
01:18:27.510 --> 01:18:28.149
I'm guessing.
1612
01:18:28.850 --> 01:18:29.789
Here, let me sign that.
1613
01:18:32.649 --> 01:18:35.390
Sir, what did he write in for a tip? Tell
1614
01:18:35.430 --> 01:18:36.529
us what he gives you for a tip.
1615
01:18:38.520 --> 01:18:40.359
How much is gratuity, subtotal?
1616
01:18:40.859 --> 01:18:43.359
I think there's no tip included, is there? There is
1617
01:18:43.399 --> 01:18:43.720
tip included.
1618
01:18:43.739 --> 01:18:44.510
There's tip included, 15%.
1619
01:18:44.510 --> 01:18:45.029
What do you reckon?
1620
01:18:45.050 --> 01:18:47.569
They take 15%, but they still leave that.
1621
01:18:50.159 --> 01:18:52.479
Box for gratuity, right? Okay.
1622
01:18:52.720 --> 01:18:55.460
Well, you know, I'll give a secret amount on top.
1623
01:18:55.800 --> 01:18:56.180
All right.
1624
01:18:56.859 --> 01:18:57.510
Thank you very much, sir.
1625
01:18:57.720 --> 01:19:01.390
All right. He seems happy. He's going to go hammer that. Now,
1626
01:19:01.430 --> 01:19:02.569
what is your order, James?
1627
01:19:03.750 --> 01:19:04.170
Thank you.
1628
01:19:04.189 --> 01:19:06.329
If you need anything else, just give us a call back.
1629
01:19:06.350 --> 01:19:07.210
Okay. Thank you so much.
1630
01:19:07.789 --> 01:19:08.109
Bye-bye.
1631
01:19:10.689 --> 01:19:14.890
Uh-oh, froze up again. James, they give you the suite
1632
01:19:14.949 --> 01:19:18.380
when you perform, and then you just sit alone in
1633
01:19:18.399 --> 01:19:20.659
this big suite. You don't really know what to do
1634
01:19:20.699 --> 01:19:21.680
with yourself, right?
1635
01:19:21.699 --> 01:19:24.000
Well, I'm not alone. I've got you, and I've got
1636
01:19:24.039 --> 01:19:24.659
chicken wings.
1637
01:19:26.420 --> 01:19:28.239
That's always good for the voice.
1638
01:19:29.920 --> 01:19:32.020
I'm doing a book called Wings of the World.
1639
01:19:33.329 --> 01:19:35.470
Ah, where you travel around and sample the wings.
1640
01:19:35.510 --> 01:19:37.489
Wherever I am, I check out the wings.
1641
01:19:38.289 --> 01:19:39.810
I love that. Yeah.
1642
01:19:40.270 --> 01:19:41.270
In fact, I don't know if you'll be able to
1643
01:19:41.350 --> 01:19:43.340
see on my phone. In fact, I have a picture
1644
01:19:43.350 --> 01:19:45.920
of the best wings I've ever found.
1645
01:19:47.060 --> 01:19:48.819
Where was that?
1646
01:19:49.300 --> 01:19:51.520
That's Duff's in Buffalo.
1647
01:19:51.920 --> 01:19:52.939
Oh, well, that makes sense.
1648
01:19:53.380 --> 01:19:53.920
It makes sense.
1649
01:19:54.060 --> 01:19:57.060
You know, the thing that's funny about the wings is
1650
01:19:57.420 --> 01:20:00.659
they serve you the wings, which is the most unhealthy
1651
01:20:00.760 --> 01:20:03.560
thing on the planet. And then they always give you
1652
01:20:03.760 --> 01:20:06.699
a piece of celery and a carrot stick, too, as
1653
01:20:06.779 --> 01:20:11.159
if somehow that's going to balance it out. Yep. They
1654
01:20:11.720 --> 01:20:15.119
always give you that. And it's weird because your mouth
1655
01:20:15.140 --> 01:20:18.579
has never simultaneously eaten two things that are as good
1656
01:20:18.680 --> 01:20:20.810
and as bad for you in the same bite.
1657
01:20:21.930 --> 01:20:23.560
Well, I can tell you I live on chicken wings
1658
01:20:24.170 --> 01:20:26.189
every single day of my life, and I'm the picture
1659
01:20:26.229 --> 01:20:26.529
of health.
1660
01:20:27.250 --> 01:20:29.130
I know, but I think that's all just genetics.
1661
01:20:31.109 --> 01:20:34.109
Thank you. I know people should testing it to the
1662
01:20:34.170 --> 01:20:34.890
limit anyway.
1663
01:20:35.130 --> 01:20:38.460
Yeah. So you do the show tonight. I'll let you
1664
01:20:38.500 --> 01:20:42.140
get your wings in a second because I know it's
1665
01:20:42.199 --> 01:20:45.390
hard to stare at food. You you get out of
1666
01:20:45.409 --> 01:20:48.369
the military. And then what?
1667
01:20:49.810 --> 01:20:52.510
Then, well, you know, my last actually was my last
1668
01:20:52.569 --> 01:20:54.979
job in the army. I was then starting to play
1669
01:20:55.310 --> 01:20:57.520
in London. My last job in the army was the
1670
01:20:57.579 --> 01:21:01.340
Queen's bodyguard. And that was on a horse when she
1671
01:21:01.380 --> 01:21:03.800
was out in her carriage. I'd be the guy riding
1672
01:21:03.840 --> 01:21:06.539
beside her. with a helmet and a plume and a
1673
01:21:06.579 --> 01:21:07.439
sword and armor.
1674
01:21:07.699 --> 01:21:08.279
Wow.
1675
01:21:08.939 --> 01:21:10.539
Ride along. And so you would have seen lots of
1676
01:21:10.579 --> 01:21:11.859
those guys at the wedding.
1677
01:21:12.119 --> 01:21:12.399
Right.
1678
01:21:12.699 --> 01:21:15.060
Riding beside the various carriages. And so that was my
1679
01:21:15.079 --> 01:21:16.100
job for the last two years.
1680
01:21:16.359 --> 01:21:18.000
And I was based in London, so it gave me
1681
01:21:18.020 --> 01:21:21.300
the chance to play some concerts in London in these
1682
01:21:21.340 --> 01:21:25.899
small bars. And, you know, I was slowly building up songs.
1683
01:21:26.159 --> 01:21:27.899
And the thing that really happened for me is I
1684
01:21:27.960 --> 01:21:30.600
met a great, great manager. And everyone asked me, how
1685
01:21:30.640 --> 01:21:31.939
do you get into the music business? How do you
1686
01:21:31.970 --> 01:21:33.859
do your thing? And they talk about, you know, whichever
1687
01:21:33.970 --> 01:21:35.289
record label I've been signed to.
1688
01:21:35.569 --> 01:21:36.069
But you know what?
1689
01:21:36.369 --> 01:21:38.449
It's management who make it work for you because it
1690
01:21:38.489 --> 01:21:40.529
means I can be a musician and I can get
1691
01:21:40.569 --> 01:21:42.869
a manager who deals with the business side. And he
1692
01:21:43.170 --> 01:21:45.930
happened to be part of a firm who managed Elton John.
1693
01:21:46.649 --> 01:21:48.510
And so that's a good connection to have straight away.
1694
01:21:49.050 --> 01:21:51.489
So I did a couple of tours with Elton John.
1695
01:21:51.510 --> 01:21:54.810
And then I was in South by Southwest at the
1696
01:21:54.869 --> 01:21:58.479
festival in Texas. And I played on the 20th floor of,
1697
01:21:58.680 --> 01:22:02.439
I think, some dodgy hotel, like the Ramada Hotel. And
1698
01:22:02.460 --> 01:22:05.180
this woman walked up to me and said, hey, I'm
1699
01:22:05.260 --> 01:22:08.850
a woman called Linda Perry from Four Non Blondes. And
1700
01:22:08.859 --> 01:22:10.729
I want to sign you to my new record label.
1701
01:22:11.069 --> 01:22:13.949
And I said, you know, I'd been rejected by every
1702
01:22:14.310 --> 01:22:16.329
UK record label. So I said to her, where do
1703
01:22:16.390 --> 01:22:16.810
I sign?
1704
01:22:16.829 --> 01:22:20.710
And I signed. We went and got drunk. I went
1705
01:22:20.729 --> 01:22:23.180
to Los Angeles. I met a man called Tom Rothrock,
1706
01:22:24.079 --> 01:22:25.119
who produced Beck.
1707
01:22:25.670 --> 01:22:28.569
And Elliot Smith, and the two of us sat in
1708
01:22:28.630 --> 01:22:31.930
a studio for four months just together, really, and made
1709
01:22:31.949 --> 01:22:34.750
a really innocent little album called Back to Bedlam, and
1710
01:22:34.970 --> 01:22:38.310
along the way then we put it out, and remarkably
1711
01:22:38.329 --> 01:22:39.010
it sold a lot.
1712
01:22:39.529 --> 01:22:43.489
Four Non-Blondes had that What's Going On song. Was that
1713
01:22:43.529 --> 01:22:44.140
their song?
1714
01:22:44.149 --> 01:22:45.579
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
1715
01:22:45.600 --> 01:22:48.300
Yeah, there was Four Non-Blondes, and then there was a
1716
01:22:48.319 --> 01:22:51.979
band called Concrete Blonde, which I always get confused with
1717
01:22:52.020 --> 01:22:54.979
my Four Non-Blondes. I noticed, and when you said you
1718
01:22:55.000 --> 01:22:57.020
were guarding the queen, you didn't mean Elton John. You
1719
01:22:57.039 --> 01:22:59.319
were talking about the queen. I got a little confused
1720
01:22:59.340 --> 01:23:00.000
in that story there.
1721
01:23:00.060 --> 01:23:01.640
I work with both queens.
1722
01:23:01.659 --> 01:23:07.319
You've guarded both. Although I probably wore frillier headgear around Elton.
1723
01:23:07.890 --> 01:23:10.789
I noticed you didn't give him the Sir Elton John.
1724
01:23:11.850 --> 01:23:15.069
You're right. I'm glad you corrected me. You're absolutely right.
1725
01:23:15.670 --> 01:23:19.329
How is is that something that's a bigger faux pas
1726
01:23:19.529 --> 01:23:21.789
on your side of the pond? Because we we do
1727
01:23:21.890 --> 01:23:26.300
feel as Americans that once somebody is knighted or once
1728
01:23:26.340 --> 01:23:30.000
someone becomes a dame, we need to we need to
1729
01:23:30.039 --> 01:23:32.020
make sure and put that in front. Do you guys
1730
01:23:32.399 --> 01:23:34.479
are you guys as careful about that as we are?
1731
01:23:36.130 --> 01:23:38.550
I think we probably are in informal circles.
1732
01:23:39.010 --> 01:23:41.689
You know, I think I'm I can I think probably,
1733
01:23:42.260 --> 01:23:43.909
you know, having worked with him a lot and having
1734
01:23:43.979 --> 01:23:47.359
told him I'm probably I'm more relaxed about it.
1735
01:23:47.779 --> 01:23:52.140
I see. Yeah. Do you feel like Elton again? I'm
1736
01:23:52.220 --> 01:23:55.920
putting I'll put words in your mouth. I feel like
1737
01:23:56.180 --> 01:24:01.659
Elton John is immensely talented. and has somehow eclipsed his
1738
01:24:01.770 --> 01:24:05.789
own talent by being sort of controversial and out there
1739
01:24:05.949 --> 01:24:09.109
and getting in the press for the wrong reason, perhaps
1740
01:24:09.189 --> 01:24:12.220
on occasion. But when you really just distill it down,
1741
01:24:12.260 --> 01:24:15.420
he's a great songwriter, great musician, great voice, right? That
1742
01:24:15.520 --> 01:24:20.119
somehow has somehow managed to overshadow him, his own talent
1743
01:24:20.199 --> 01:24:21.810
in a weird way. Do you know what I'm saying?
1744
01:24:22.760 --> 01:24:27.279
I think in many ways, almost anyone as talented and
1745
01:24:27.319 --> 01:24:30.039
successful as him always has a moment of being overshadowed
1746
01:24:30.079 --> 01:24:31.960
by what the media pick up on. You know, even
1747
01:24:32.600 --> 01:24:35.890
Lady Gaga now, we're just talking about the meat thing
1748
01:24:35.930 --> 01:24:36.550
that she's wearing on.
1749
01:24:36.550 --> 01:24:39.510
Her head, what outfit she's wearing. And, you know, we
1750
01:24:39.550 --> 01:24:47.470
don't really even talk about whether she's a good person anymore.
1751
01:24:47.510 --> 01:24:50.109
You know, it seems irrelevant.
1752
01:24:50.149 --> 01:24:50.890
And yeah, and Elton.
1753
01:24:51.359 --> 01:24:56.300
he's had his wild parties, his addictions along the way,
1754
01:24:56.380 --> 01:24:58.979
and as you say, the controversies. There's been one thing,
1755
01:24:59.020 --> 01:25:02.159
but as you say, everybody, I think, knows a handful
1756
01:25:02.199 --> 01:25:03.520
of his songs and knows him for the talent that
1757
01:25:03.539 --> 01:25:03.699
he is.
1758
01:25:04.220 --> 01:25:09.500
Yeah, I agree, but it becomes weird because you realize
1759
01:25:09.520 --> 01:25:13.260
these guys are here because they're so incredibly talented, and
1760
01:25:13.880 --> 01:25:18.300
then somehow, at some point, they turn into, I don't know, Elvis.
1761
01:25:18.359 --> 01:25:22.560
I mean, even Elvis was able to transcend his talent
1762
01:25:23.199 --> 01:25:26.310
or you know Liberace or you know Wayne Newton I
1763
01:25:26.350 --> 01:25:28.890
don't even know if Wayne Newton has talent the point
1764
01:25:28.949 --> 01:25:31.449
is is even Elvis at the end people are like
1765
01:25:31.710 --> 01:25:33.689
ah who the hell what the hell that big fat
1766
01:25:33.729 --> 01:25:36.289
guy with the crazy outfits and all that kind of
1767
01:25:36.310 --> 01:25:39.750
stuff and it's just it's just bizarre that there's a
1768
01:25:39.770 --> 01:25:44.529
whole generation that doesn't really know Elvis the songwriter musician
1769
01:25:44.569 --> 01:25:46.819
performer you know Yeah, well, I.
1770
01:25:46.760 --> 01:25:48.720
Guess perhaps what we do is we focus so much
1771
01:25:48.760 --> 01:25:51.850
in on the personality rather than the talent, isn't it?
1772
01:25:52.510 --> 01:25:54.649
You know, and the whole notion of celebrity is a
1773
01:25:54.670 --> 01:25:55.970
weird world to focus.
1774
01:25:55.729 --> 01:25:58.119
In on these guys who, you know, at the beginning.
1775
01:25:58.770 --> 01:26:01.350
They're just very normal, normal people with actually a relatively
1776
01:26:01.390 --> 01:26:05.109
simple job. And, you know, people foolishly sometimes call me
1777
01:26:05.149 --> 01:26:06.920
a star. And yet, you know, here I am. I'm
1778
01:26:06.960 --> 01:26:09.920
just talking about myself. Whereas there's a doctor out there
1779
01:26:09.960 --> 01:26:12.279
who's saving a life and a nurse who's saving a
1780
01:26:12.319 --> 01:26:16.100
life at this very moment while I'm obsessing about myself. And,
1781
01:26:16.399 --> 01:26:19.119
you know, a teacher who is educating a fireman, again,
1782
01:26:19.180 --> 01:26:21.199
saving a life, an aid worker. And we should be
1783
01:26:21.239 --> 01:26:23.560
calling these people the stars. We should be focusing on them.
1784
01:26:23.619 --> 01:26:25.689
And we focus on something very strange. And I think
1785
01:26:25.710 --> 01:26:27.850
we then create a weird world for them to live in.
1786
01:26:28.250 --> 01:26:31.069
I think that's a positive note to go out on
1787
01:26:31.229 --> 01:26:33.989
and let you dive into those chicken wings, because I
1788
01:26:34.029 --> 01:26:36.819
can smell them from where I'm sitting, and I know
1789
01:26:36.859 --> 01:26:39.619
that feeling of having a hot plate of grease in
1790
01:26:39.680 --> 01:26:41.920
front of me and not being able to dig into it.
1791
01:26:42.399 --> 01:26:46.000
That and the screwed-up Skype is going to be enough
1792
01:26:46.039 --> 01:26:49.340
for me. James Blunt, everyone. Some Kind of Trouble is
1793
01:26:49.359 --> 01:26:52.010
the name of his third album. It is out as
1794
01:26:52.060 --> 01:26:55.810
we speak. You can head to his website, jamesblunt.com. You
1795
01:26:55.829 --> 01:27:01.189
can Twitter him at Dirty... Lil Blunt, that's L-I-L Blunt. James,
1796
01:27:01.829 --> 01:27:02.689
always a delight.
1797
01:27:03.729 --> 01:27:04.210
It's a pleasure.
1798
01:27:04.369 --> 01:27:07.260
And next time when the Skype is working better, I
1799
01:27:07.300 --> 01:27:09.359
will take my clothes off for you and it'll be
1800
01:27:09.399 --> 01:27:10.239
that much more intimate.
1801
01:27:10.260 --> 01:27:11.899
But it's obviously going to be trouble today.
1802
01:27:12.060 --> 01:27:15.420
Thank you. When you blow through L.A., please stop by
1803
01:27:15.439 --> 01:27:17.380
and we'll have a hot plate of wings waiting for you.
1804
01:27:17.859 --> 01:27:18.390
I can't wait.
1805
01:27:18.399 --> 01:27:21.329
You take care. Thank you. The great James Blunt. They're
1806
01:27:21.369 --> 01:27:24.010
just better. The Brits are just better than we are.
1807
01:27:24.069 --> 01:27:26.819
They're just better. I don't care if you can hear
1808
01:27:26.880 --> 01:27:29.739
me or not. They're just better people. It's so delightful.
1809
01:27:30.399 --> 01:27:32.199
All right. And he can live off chicken wings and
1810
01:27:32.220 --> 01:27:35.760
never get fat. That is talent. All right. So until
1811
01:27:35.819 --> 01:27:40.319
next time, this is Adam Carolla for James Blunt saying mahalo.
1812
01:27:45.439 --> 01:27:45.640
All right.
1813
01:27:45.659 --> 01:27:47.880
That's Andrew's only appearance on The Adam Carolla Show before
1814
01:27:47.920 --> 01:27:50.239
his death. I do need to apologize. I was quite
1815
01:27:50.279 --> 01:27:52.890
critical of his appreciation for the movie Thor, as he
1816
01:27:52.909 --> 01:27:55.260
told Adam about it. On a later appearance, I made
1817
01:27:55.300 --> 01:27:59.149
fun of him liking the movie Thor. In retrospect, of
1818
01:27:59.159 --> 01:28:03.949
the early MCU, not so bad. Kenneth Branagh, he has
1819
01:28:04.010 --> 01:28:05.909
a quite interesting film career.
1820
01:28:06.350 --> 01:28:07.449
And as a.
1821
01:28:07.409 --> 01:28:10.909
Director, his style's all over the place. The eyebrows and
1822
01:28:10.930 --> 01:28:13.949
the beard are still kind of weird. But overall, not
1823
01:28:13.970 --> 01:28:15.729
so bad. All right, coming up for our next clip today,
1824
01:28:15.750 --> 01:28:19.189
we have Adam Krol Show 607, Diane Hansen, Alison Rosen,
1825
01:28:19.210 --> 01:28:21.270
and Brian Bishop from 2011.
1826
01:28:21.270 --> 01:28:21.630
Check it out.
1827
01:28:25.909 --> 01:28:29.550
Good day, Bald Brian. I agree with Bald Brian. What?
1828
01:28:30.090 --> 01:28:31.439
Good day, Alison Rosen.
1829
01:28:31.539 --> 01:28:33.560
I don't remember you saying that at all.
1830
01:28:33.600 --> 01:28:34.119
Me neither, Brian.
1831
01:28:34.140 --> 01:28:35.300
It sounds like nothing you'd say.
1832
01:28:35.319 --> 01:28:36.199
My new favorite drop.
1833
01:28:36.239 --> 01:28:39.890
We are doing some renovations over here at Ace Broadcast.
1834
01:28:40.359 --> 01:28:42.500
We'll keep you guys posted, show you some pictures and
1835
01:28:42.520 --> 01:28:44.380
all that kind of stuff. So it's a little bit loud.
1836
01:28:44.399 --> 01:28:46.199
It's a little bit messy. It's a little bit hot.
1837
01:28:46.260 --> 01:28:47.739
It looks like Dexter's kill room.
1838
01:28:47.979 --> 01:28:52.659
Bear with us. Yeah, it does have that look. All right. First,
1839
01:28:52.739 --> 01:28:57.600
a bit of uncomfortableness. I was... getting my haircut today. And,
1840
01:28:57.619 --> 01:29:01.439
you know, I'm very philosophical about the haircuts because my
1841
01:29:01.479 --> 01:29:06.539
hair grows so fast that. Even the worst haircut is
1842
01:29:06.600 --> 01:29:08.560
about two and a half. Well, there is this weird
1843
01:29:08.600 --> 01:29:11.890
thing where as it's growing, you're getting used to the
1844
01:29:11.930 --> 01:29:15.569
horrible cut. And there's a weird intersection where even if
1845
01:29:15.630 --> 01:29:17.850
it doesn't grow out in 10 days, you're used to
1846
01:29:17.890 --> 01:29:20.430
looking at your shitty haircut in 10 days. And they
1847
01:29:20.449 --> 01:29:23.050
sort of cross paths about nine or 10 days in
1848
01:29:23.109 --> 01:29:24.380
and it doesn't bother you so much.
1849
01:29:24.489 --> 01:29:26.420
And you almost don't want to cut it again.
1850
01:29:26.439 --> 01:29:28.220
I feel like this is not good.
1851
01:29:28.439 --> 01:29:29.840
No, never that good.
1852
01:29:29.920 --> 01:29:30.279
Okay.
1853
01:29:30.300 --> 01:29:31.880
This is an attack, right? Keep going.
1854
01:29:32.239 --> 01:29:32.560
No, no.
1855
01:29:32.880 --> 01:29:35.420
I'm saying this. I go, but I get my hair
1856
01:29:35.500 --> 01:29:37.159
cut and I'm always sort of like, yeah, I don't
1857
01:29:37.180 --> 01:29:39.960
give a shit. And there's, you know, four Mexican ladies
1858
01:29:40.079 --> 01:29:43.590
at the model cuts. It's always great that the name,
1859
01:29:43.770 --> 01:29:46.390
by the way, anything that has a name like model
1860
01:29:46.449 --> 01:29:49.829
or superstar or pro in it, there's never a model,
1861
01:29:49.890 --> 01:29:52.829
a pro, an athlete, a superstar. There's never, the more that,
1862
01:29:53.149 --> 01:29:56.090
if there's an auto dealership called like superstar used cars
1863
01:29:56.170 --> 01:29:58.909
or something, never, it's not like Derek Jeter's going over
1864
01:29:58.930 --> 01:30:01.050
there to buy a camera. Like it's never, but so
1865
01:30:01.489 --> 01:30:03.430
I go over there. It's always like these five Mexican
1866
01:30:03.470 --> 01:30:06.449
ladies and they're all nice. Although ironically all have hair,
1867
01:30:06.579 --> 01:30:08.960
horrible hair, which is kind of a weird thing. You're
1868
01:30:09.000 --> 01:30:12.300
kind of like, yeah, like that's their advertisement. Can't figure
1869
01:30:12.340 --> 01:30:14.140
out your own head of hair. You're going to work
1870
01:30:14.199 --> 01:30:16.300
on mine. There's not much they can do. They get
1871
01:30:16.319 --> 01:30:18.819
the clippers out. I get my hair cut like a
1872
01:30:18.939 --> 01:30:22.279
sheep gets shorn. You know, it's just like this stuff
1873
01:30:22.319 --> 01:30:28.409
just starts falling off in my lap. And I've had
1874
01:30:28.430 --> 01:30:33.449
a couple situations where I've shown up and I was
1875
01:30:33.489 --> 01:30:36.689
like ready to go. But another guy showed up and.
1876
01:30:37.189 --> 01:30:40.979
He had one lady he was waiting on, and she
1877
01:30:41.020 --> 01:30:43.180
was ready for me, who was next, but he was
1878
01:30:43.239 --> 01:30:44.859
waiting for her, and it was like he went in
1879
01:30:44.899 --> 01:30:46.579
front of me. And it's this sort of weird thing
1880
01:30:46.600 --> 01:30:49.979
where people get a little too involved, especially 50-year-old dudes
1881
01:30:50.039 --> 01:30:55.109
about their hair. Like, oh, yeah, buddy. You make $ 42, 000
1882
01:30:53.630 --> 01:30:57.770
a year. You drive a beat-up Ford F-250. Do you
1883
01:30:57.810 --> 01:31:00.189
really think the haircuts... Right. Is that what's making or
1884
01:31:00.229 --> 01:31:04.350
breaking you? And so... I sit down in the chair.
1885
01:31:04.380 --> 01:31:06.399
I feel like Allison there in a sports story.
1886
01:31:06.680 --> 01:31:08.060
I'm getting the haircut.
1887
01:31:08.720 --> 01:31:11.520
Super invested and understanding every word of it.
1888
01:31:11.539 --> 01:31:12.659
Sweating.
1889
01:31:12.779 --> 01:31:16.399
I'm getting my haircut. I'm constantly bothered that they don't
1890
01:31:16.619 --> 01:31:22.689
have the battery-operated shears because... They have the clippers, and
1891
01:31:22.710 --> 01:31:25.449
the clipper has that cord, and it's that cord that
1892
01:31:25.489 --> 01:31:27.300
always gets knotted up and twisted up.
1893
01:31:27.369 --> 01:31:27.850
I don't know why.
1894
01:31:27.890 --> 01:31:30.539
There's certain cords that never— It's an OCD nightmare. It
1895
01:31:30.579 --> 01:31:33.760
never happens to, like, fans. Fans have cords that don't
1896
01:31:33.800 --> 01:31:36.000
get knotted up, but telephones have cords, and they get
1897
01:31:36.039 --> 01:31:39.619
knotted up. And somehow those buzzer clipper things, those things
1898
01:31:39.640 --> 01:31:42.359
get all knotted up all the time. So anyway— They're
1899
01:31:42.390 --> 01:31:44.689
always plugged in a little bit too far to the right,
1900
01:31:44.789 --> 01:31:46.409
and then when they come over to buzz the left
1901
01:31:46.449 --> 01:31:47.850
side of my hair, I have to contend with the
1902
01:31:47.949 --> 01:31:50.289
cord that's sort of flopping in my face or coming
1903
01:31:50.329 --> 01:31:52.800
around my head. And they're sort of fighting with it,
1904
01:31:52.829 --> 01:31:55.090
like they're pulling up a marlin, and they're trying to, like,
1905
01:31:55.130 --> 01:31:57.350
untwist it and apologize, and it's sort of whacking me
1906
01:31:57.390 --> 01:31:59.590
in the face. And I'm always sort of like... Let's
1907
01:31:59.630 --> 01:32:01.909
just go ahead and get the battery operated ones, bitch.
1908
01:32:01.949 --> 01:32:04.369
They work just as good. They last the day. I
1909
01:32:05.050 --> 01:32:07.149
understand you have to put them back in the charger,
1910
01:32:07.189 --> 01:32:09.180
but it's not like you're ever going to exhaust the thing.
1911
01:32:09.260 --> 01:32:09.500
Right.
1912
01:32:09.680 --> 01:32:13.319
In between haircuts or wherever, overnight, whatever. Just drop it
1913
01:32:13.380 --> 01:32:15.960
into the fucking little charger thing and then total freedom.
1914
01:32:16.319 --> 01:32:18.279
Instead of me getting smacked in the face with a
1915
01:32:18.319 --> 01:32:21.079
cord when you're working on the opposite side of my head.
1916
01:32:21.119 --> 01:32:23.659
But no, never. That's never going to happen. I don't care.
1917
01:32:23.699 --> 01:32:26.979
It's 12 bucks. So I sit down and I'm in
1918
01:32:27.039 --> 01:32:30.659
my chair and I'm reading my like a summer movie preview.
1919
01:32:30.800 --> 01:32:35.210
Usually it's all just like Latin on entrepreneur magazines that
1920
01:32:35.229 --> 01:32:37.250
I'm not interested in, but every once in a while
1921
01:32:37.270 --> 01:32:40.069
they'll have some, you know, sports illustrated that's nine years
1922
01:32:40.170 --> 01:32:42.729
old or something like that. I'll be like, Thumbing through.
1923
01:32:42.750 --> 01:32:45.770
Cecil Fielder's having a good year. I'll be thumbing through
1924
01:32:45.810 --> 01:32:49.289
that thing, you know. New guy. New guy in the
1925
01:32:49.329 --> 01:32:52.949
league named Brett Favre. So I'll be looking at that.
1926
01:32:53.010 --> 01:32:53.909
Watch out, Magic Man.
1927
01:32:54.170 --> 01:32:54.350
Yep.
1928
01:32:54.510 --> 01:32:58.550
And I have a... I have a... Magicowski. Second Don
1929
01:32:58.569 --> 01:33:00.649
Magicowski references in many days.
1930
01:33:00.670 --> 01:33:01.510
Second in two weeks.
1931
01:33:02.109 --> 01:33:02.289
So.
1932
01:33:03.350 --> 01:33:05.949
Trying to turn it back to something you understand, are you?
1933
01:33:06.470 --> 01:33:11.020
I have my hypervigilance disorder. So when somebody sits in
1934
01:33:11.060 --> 01:33:12.920
the chair next to me, I have to sort of
1935
01:33:13.000 --> 01:33:15.659
notice them and I have to overhear the conversation. I
1936
01:33:15.720 --> 01:33:19.699
don't want to, but I have to. Guy comes walking in.
1937
01:33:19.720 --> 01:33:22.619
No one's going to get this reference, but he looks
1938
01:33:22.659 --> 01:33:27.250
like Dan Gurney. Dan Gurney's a very famous race car driver. Yeah.
1939
01:33:27.649 --> 01:33:30.390
He had a team, race team, won the Indy 500
1940
01:33:30.390 --> 01:33:33.390
a few times. Big, big guy. Big, nice guy.
1941
01:33:33.569 --> 01:33:34.510
Great in an emergency.
1942
01:33:34.590 --> 01:33:37.310
Gurney came in, invented the Gurney bubble. He's such a
1943
01:33:37.390 --> 01:33:41.250
tall dude. Why is it you always pick? Why is
1944
01:33:41.329 --> 01:33:43.529
it you pick a picture of Dan Gurney that has
1945
01:33:43.569 --> 01:33:46.100
a hat? Show that picture of Dan Gurney. Tell me
1946
01:33:46.119 --> 01:33:48.640
if you can see one lock of Dan Gurney's hair.
1947
01:33:49.510 --> 01:33:49.770
No.
1948
01:33:49.909 --> 01:33:50.130
No.
1949
01:33:50.550 --> 01:33:52.550
That's the beauty. That's the beauty of when I call
1950
01:33:52.670 --> 01:33:55.750
out for somebody, they always pick the worst possible example
1951
01:33:55.770 --> 01:33:56.470
of what I'm talking about.
1952
01:33:56.489 --> 01:33:57.630
He looks like Jessica Tandy.
1953
01:33:57.890 --> 01:34:00.250
This is a very old Dan Gurney with not a
1954
01:34:00.609 --> 01:34:02.609
lock of his silver hair showing. But the point is,
1955
01:34:03.260 --> 01:34:08.020
this guy looks like Dan Gurney circa 1980. And he's
1956
01:34:08.039 --> 01:34:10.079
a tall dude and he's gray hair and he's probably
1957
01:34:10.079 --> 01:34:12.420
60 years old. And he sits in the chair next
1958
01:34:12.439 --> 01:34:15.079
to mine. Thankfully, there's a nice space of about good eight,
1959
01:34:15.079 --> 01:34:18.069
10 feet between the chairs. And he sits down. And
1960
01:34:18.109 --> 01:34:20.170
it's just me and him in the place. And he
1961
01:34:20.270 --> 01:34:24.189
starts in with the, you know, just the light on
1962
01:34:24.229 --> 01:34:27.210
the top. I'm thin enough myself up here. And I
1963
01:34:27.250 --> 01:34:29.729
sort of take this comment to now look. Is he
1964
01:34:29.869 --> 01:34:32.479
male pattern ballers? And I sort of look through the
1965
01:34:32.520 --> 01:34:35.220
reflection of my mirror onto him, you know. Because the
1966
01:34:35.239 --> 01:34:37.140
good thing about the barber shops, you can look, you
1967
01:34:37.159 --> 01:34:39.920
can bounce it off the mirror, you know. It looks
1968
01:34:39.939 --> 01:34:41.539
like she's got a pretty good head of hair for
1969
01:34:41.560 --> 01:34:45.319
a six-year-old dude. And so she starts, there's Dan Gurney,
1970
01:34:45.359 --> 01:34:48.739
thank you. So she starts buzzing away and clipping and something,
1971
01:34:48.800 --> 01:34:51.890
and I hear a little more conversation, you know. This
1972
01:34:51.930 --> 01:34:55.850
is sort of a, hey, hey, what number clipper is that,
1973
01:34:55.909 --> 01:34:58.229
or whatever it is. And then it kind of stops.
1974
01:34:58.289 --> 01:35:01.270
And then there's maybe another little back and forth of something,
1975
01:35:01.289 --> 01:35:04.050
a little language barrier. She's got a, you know, speaking
1976
01:35:04.090 --> 01:35:06.470
mostly Spanish. And then all of a sudden I just
1977
01:35:06.489 --> 01:35:09.489
hear him go, well, that's great. Okay. You know what? Stop.
1978
01:35:09.750 --> 01:35:13.979
Just stop. That's quiet enough. Okay. I'm just going to
1979
01:35:14.020 --> 01:35:18.380
leave now. You know what? And she's doing like, sir, sir,
1980
01:35:18.420 --> 01:35:21.039
is there anything we can? No, you've done enough. You've
1981
01:35:21.060 --> 01:35:25.619
done enough damage for today. Good day. I am literally
1982
01:35:25.699 --> 01:35:28.729
attempting to bury my face. My nose actually popped through
1983
01:35:28.750 --> 01:35:30.390
the other side of the Sports Illustrated.
1984
01:35:30.409 --> 01:35:31.970
You have a stapler in your nostril.
1985
01:35:32.050 --> 01:35:35.739
Yeah, like I'm just mashing it, breaking off pieces, rolling
1986
01:35:35.760 --> 01:35:37.579
it up and shoving it in my ears. And he's
1987
01:35:37.640 --> 01:35:40.979
getting louder. You've done enough. You've done quite enough. And
1988
01:35:41.319 --> 01:35:43.020
I feel sorry for the poor lady, by the way.
1989
01:35:44.600 --> 01:35:48.460
You know, 55 year old Hispanic woman, bleach blonde Marilyn
1990
01:35:48.479 --> 01:35:51.079
Monroe hair that looks like it's been raped by a
1991
01:35:51.119 --> 01:35:54.340
hairdryer and the sun like down to her waist. Just
1992
01:35:54.399 --> 01:35:55.869
the worst example of.
1993
01:35:55.880 --> 01:35:57.319
Right.
1994
01:35:57.720 --> 01:35:59.500
Just if a guy said he was going to customize
1995
01:35:59.520 --> 01:36:01.800
your car and he pulled up in a car version
1996
01:36:01.840 --> 01:36:04.319
of her hair, you'd push it off a fucking cliff,
1997
01:36:04.340 --> 01:36:08.609
you know. And she's like, sir, sir, I feel bad, sir.
1998
01:36:08.750 --> 01:36:11.770
Is there anything we can do? I misunderstood you. And
1999
01:36:11.850 --> 01:36:15.260
he's like, no, you've done enough. You've done quite enough. No,
2000
01:36:15.340 --> 01:36:18.279
thank you. Thank you. I'll just. And then there's this
2001
01:36:18.359 --> 01:36:22.479
uncomfortable and we've all had this. It's the. It's the
2002
01:36:22.520 --> 01:36:25.560
haircut equivalent to the guy who goes, this interview's over.
2003
01:36:25.680 --> 01:36:27.260
And then he stands up and he's got his mic
2004
01:36:28.460 --> 01:36:30.420
clipped onto him and it's running through his shirt and
2005
01:36:30.439 --> 01:36:33.510
wrapped around his belt buckle. Okay, this interview's over. And
2006
01:36:33.529 --> 01:36:35.189
then he starts fighting with the mic cord.
2007
01:36:35.229 --> 01:36:37.550
I'll be storming out in approximately 15 minutes.
2008
01:36:38.090 --> 01:36:40.289
Yes, Morley, you'll probably be dead by the time I
2009
01:36:40.310 --> 01:36:42.649
get this mic undone. But let it take this to
2010
01:36:42.689 --> 01:36:44.760
your grave. I've had enough of this interview. And they're
2011
01:36:44.770 --> 01:36:48.039
like fighting. By the way, always plan your escape, whether
2012
01:36:48.079 --> 01:36:51.380
it's the barber or the interview. Undo the mic cord
2013
01:36:51.500 --> 01:36:54.260
and then say interview. So he stands up. He's got
2014
01:36:54.300 --> 01:36:57.689
his cape on. He's got his he's got his weird,
2015
01:36:57.789 --> 01:37:00.789
you know, his slicker on, you know, his hair, his
2016
01:37:00.810 --> 01:37:04.109
hair smocked hanging. And he's like, you know what? Enough, enough.
2017
01:37:04.520 --> 01:37:06.699
And he starts to leave and his cape swings around.
2018
01:37:06.739 --> 01:37:10.340
And now he's having difficulty undoing his cape. You've done enough.
2019
01:37:10.359 --> 01:37:13.390
There's so many different layers. And she's like, sir, let
2020
01:37:13.399 --> 01:37:16.390
me help. No, you've done quite enough damage for today.
2021
01:37:16.470 --> 01:37:18.550
But it's like he can't leave with his cape on.
2022
01:37:19.550 --> 01:37:20.909
And again, it's that thing where you want to say
2023
01:37:20.970 --> 01:37:22.930
good day. It's a kind of thing where you've announced
2024
01:37:22.989 --> 01:37:25.260
everyone at the dinner party, you hate them, and you've
2025
01:37:25.270 --> 01:37:27.020
had enough of their shenanigans, and then you come back
2026
01:37:27.060 --> 01:37:29.579
ten minutes later, okay, I forgot my purse. You know,
2027
01:37:29.600 --> 01:37:30.720
it's like that kind of thing.
2028
01:37:30.760 --> 01:37:32.100
Who's got the red Honda?
2029
01:37:32.359 --> 01:37:34.159
Right, right. That's essentially what it is.
2030
01:37:34.199 --> 01:37:35.619
I guess I will take those leftovers.
2031
01:37:35.680 --> 01:37:39.279
I'm just like sitting there, and there's... First off, his
2032
01:37:39.340 --> 01:37:42.859
hair looks fine. It looks fine. I can't see anything wrong.
2033
01:37:42.880 --> 01:37:45.239
It's not like she sneezed and buzzed off part of
2034
01:37:45.279 --> 01:37:47.310
his ear or anything. It's like, his hair looks fine.
2035
01:37:47.329 --> 01:37:52.350
Sneezing the vanilla ice. He's like, right, right. He's like.
2036
01:37:53.010 --> 01:37:57.979
I don't know, 60. And obviously he's not Mark fucking
2037
01:37:58.060 --> 01:38:00.720
Cuban or he wouldn't be at model cuts. Things aren't
2038
01:38:00.760 --> 01:38:03.880
going well for him. We're both sitting at model cuts.
2039
01:38:04.000 --> 01:38:05.819
It's the middle of the week. It's the middle of
2040
01:38:05.840 --> 01:38:08.579
the fucking day. I guarantee I'm the richest guy in
2041
01:38:08.619 --> 01:38:12.180
that place. I, no one goes and gets a $ 12
2042
01:38:11.510 --> 01:38:13.710
haircut unless they have to. I'm the only guy stupid
2043
01:38:13.729 --> 01:38:16.630
enough or, or really just doesn't give a shit enough.
2044
01:38:16.689 --> 01:38:19.010
I have hats. I am married. What do I give
2045
01:38:19.050 --> 01:38:23.770
a fuck for? You know, And as many inexpensive stylists
2046
01:38:23.810 --> 01:38:27.470
has told me, it's basically an $ 80 haircut for me
2047
01:38:27.489 --> 01:38:29.310
is throwing your money away. It's just, it's, you know,
2048
01:38:29.329 --> 01:38:32.600
shaving your hair. dog's ass for $ 80. There's nothing you
2049
01:38:32.619 --> 01:38:34.640
can do to make it better or make it worse, really.
2050
01:38:34.979 --> 01:38:36.600
And it grows so fast, I don't give a shit.
2051
01:38:36.989 --> 01:38:38.270
Shaving your dog's ass?
2052
01:38:38.390 --> 01:38:38.609
Yes.
2053
01:38:38.630 --> 01:38:40.010
That's an interesting colloquialism.
2054
01:38:40.090 --> 01:38:42.430
Thank you. So this dog... This guy.
2055
01:38:44.399 --> 01:38:46.840
This guy, first off, looks fine. Secondly, I don't know
2056
01:38:46.859 --> 01:38:49.060
where the fuck he's going. Thirdly, he's not like a
2057
01:38:49.159 --> 01:38:51.510
rich guy. I don't know who he's like. I'm going
2058
01:38:51.529 --> 01:38:54.750
out with a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model tonight. Now you've
2059
01:38:54.770 --> 01:38:56.739
ruined the whole deal. I'm only going to get a
2060
01:38:56.779 --> 01:38:57.899
hand job at this point.
2061
01:38:57.920 --> 01:38:59.380
She cut his hair and his mojo.
2062
01:38:59.699 --> 01:38:59.939
Right.
2063
01:39:00.140 --> 01:39:02.760
And so he's announced that this is never going to work.
2064
01:39:02.840 --> 01:39:07.239
And he stands up and he's like yelling and she's apologizing. And,
2065
01:39:07.739 --> 01:39:09.310
you know, there's a part of me that kind of
2066
01:39:09.350 --> 01:39:12.170
wants to go, hey, it looks good. You know, like
2067
01:39:12.229 --> 01:39:14.949
I want to jump in and sort of defend. I
2068
01:39:14.989 --> 01:39:18.630
don't know what I don't know what protocol is. I
2069
01:39:18.670 --> 01:39:22.979
don't know what to say. It's also weird to not notice.
2070
01:39:23.899 --> 01:39:26.039
Like there's a part, a part where it gets so
2071
01:39:26.100 --> 01:39:29.479
loud and so over the top where that if you're never,
2072
01:39:29.779 --> 01:39:33.699
your gaze never goes over there. Now you're intentionally not noticing,
2073
01:39:33.960 --> 01:39:37.119
which is its own thing, you know? But then I think,
2074
01:39:37.180 --> 01:39:39.539
who the fuck and how does this work? Like where
2075
01:39:39.560 --> 01:39:42.319
you get to get really loud and you get to get,
2076
01:39:42.340 --> 01:39:44.340
and she's holding up the mirror saying, do you want
2077
01:39:44.359 --> 01:39:45.899
to look at the back? I love the fact that that,
2078
01:39:45.920 --> 01:39:47.140
do you want to look at the back thing is
2079
01:39:47.180 --> 01:39:49.180
so built into these people that even when the guy's
2080
01:39:49.199 --> 01:39:51.420
getting up and wrestling with his smock, she's like, look.
2081
01:39:51.279 --> 01:39:51.689
At the back.
2082
01:39:52.350 --> 01:39:54.350
It was a smiley face. I, by the way, declined
2083
01:39:54.369 --> 01:39:56.770
to look at the back. I'm always like, first off,
2084
01:39:56.829 --> 01:39:59.470
if you think it's fine, it's fine. Secondly, I've never
2085
01:39:59.510 --> 01:40:04.279
looked at the back and went, holy shit, a swastika.
2086
01:40:04.340 --> 01:40:08.460
I've never looked at the back and either been delighted
2087
01:40:08.500 --> 01:40:10.800
or devastated. I've always just looked at the back and.
2088
01:40:10.739 --> 01:40:11.779
Went, eh.
2089
01:40:13.449 --> 01:40:15.609
Kind of like a frump, but with more and less face.
2090
01:40:15.829 --> 01:40:18.010
That's exactly what I pictured the back of my head
2091
01:40:18.050 --> 01:40:21.680
to look like, so I'm about right there. And then thirdly,
2092
01:40:22.100 --> 01:40:24.359
what if you did fuck it up? What choices would
2093
01:40:24.399 --> 01:40:27.779
we have? To add more hair... There's really nothing I
2094
01:40:27.819 --> 01:40:29.579
can do but look at the back. And all you
2095
01:40:29.619 --> 01:40:30.960
do is nod.
2096
01:40:31.720 --> 01:40:32.640
It's just the.
2097
01:40:32.439 --> 01:40:35.279
Parsley by the side of the haircutting plate. There's nothing.
2098
01:40:35.619 --> 01:40:38.420
So now I just, you know what? Let's drop the charade.
2099
01:40:39.300 --> 01:40:40.699
I don't need to look at the back. You don't
2100
01:40:40.739 --> 01:40:42.579
need to hold the mirror. Oh, by the way, there's
2101
01:40:42.640 --> 01:40:47.279
mock cuts on Ventura Boulevard. It's the, oh, sorry. I lied.
2102
01:40:47.340 --> 01:40:50.560
It's $ 12. 99.
2103
01:40:48.479 --> 01:40:49.359
As you had described.
2104
01:40:49.380 --> 01:40:50.520
Yeah, it's $ 12.
2105
01:40:50.279 --> 01:40:50.399
99.
2106
01:40:50.399 --> 01:40:53.270
Although, when you factor in the $ 61 parking ticket you
2107
01:40:53.279 --> 01:40:55.579
usually get in front of the place... Then it becomes
2108
01:40:55.640 --> 01:40:57.000
almost $ 100, with tip, almost $ 100.
2109
01:40:56.939 --> 01:41:00.810
With that price, you could get frost and tipped.
2110
01:41:01.329 --> 01:41:04.199
So the guy stands up. He's fighting with the smock.
2111
01:41:05.600 --> 01:41:08.399
She's holding the mirror. He looks fine to me. I
2112
01:41:08.439 --> 01:41:11.760
don't know what to say. I say nothing. He then
2113
01:41:12.079 --> 01:41:15.479
starts to storm out, then insists on paying, but only
2114
01:41:15.520 --> 01:41:19.489
has like $ 20 and obviously doesn't want to tip on the... Right.
2115
01:41:19.630 --> 01:41:21.630
You know, so now he's got to wait for change
2116
01:41:21.670 --> 01:41:24.649
while he's indignant. You know, now she's looking for change.
2117
01:41:24.689 --> 01:41:27.369
And I thought... What is this? And why do I
2118
01:41:27.409 --> 01:41:30.050
have to get dragged into this? And who are these people?
2119
01:41:30.109 --> 01:41:32.420
And where is it? And this guy's 60. Was he
2120
01:41:32.460 --> 01:41:34.500
this way at 19? And is he going to be
2121
01:41:34.539 --> 01:41:39.079
this way at 99? Like, what the fuck? And listen, everybody,
2122
01:41:39.720 --> 01:41:42.420
you having a bad experience is fine. Could you please
2123
01:41:42.479 --> 01:41:44.789
not drag the rest of the world into it? You
2124
01:41:44.810 --> 01:41:48.310
understand my haircut is being destroyed by your haircut that
2125
01:41:48.470 --> 01:41:49.630
you think was destroyed.
2126
01:41:49.710 --> 01:41:52.750
Even though you're relaxing spa day isn't relaxing no more.
2127
01:41:53.170 --> 01:41:56.180
Speaking of protocol, who, once he leaves, who breaks the silence?
2128
01:41:56.399 --> 01:41:56.699
Right.
2129
01:41:56.840 --> 01:41:58.699
And because then they're all like, you're a good, really
2130
01:41:58.739 --> 01:41:59.539
good customer, right?
2131
01:41:59.680 --> 01:42:02.149
I have to do that, you know, I have to
2132
01:42:02.189 --> 01:42:04.069
do that under the breath, you know, sort of, I
2133
01:42:04.329 --> 01:42:07.310
don't know about that, you know, but sort of, it's not,
2134
01:42:07.430 --> 01:42:10.680
it's noncommittal. You know, he looked okay from here. I
2135
01:42:10.699 --> 01:42:12.420
don't know about that. And then every once in a
2136
01:42:12.420 --> 01:42:15.119
while you can do the takes all kinds. Let the
2137
01:42:15.159 --> 01:42:16.239
baby have his bottle.
2138
01:42:16.520 --> 01:42:16.699
Yeah.
2139
01:42:17.020 --> 01:42:18.760
Cyber Adam.
2140
01:42:19.000 --> 01:42:21.960
Yeah, Cyber Adam. I could go pinch a loaf and
2141
01:42:22.000 --> 01:42:24.539
take nine calls with Brian just doing this. That's why
2142
01:42:25.020 --> 01:42:26.399
you get the big buck.
2143
01:42:27.890 --> 01:42:30.890
Yeah, I've never pitched a fit anywhere.
2144
01:42:30.909 --> 01:42:32.109
He's a big boy.
2145
01:42:32.810 --> 01:42:36.779
With people that aren't my immediate family. Meaning I've had
2146
01:42:36.800 --> 01:42:39.020
a tantrum in front of my family, but I've never,
2147
01:42:39.229 --> 01:42:42.029
and I've definitely had haircuts that have upset me for days.
2148
01:42:42.170 --> 01:42:44.789
Well, the last one I pitched was at McCarran Airport,
2149
01:42:44.829 --> 01:42:47.609
but the only person that was there to hear it
2150
01:42:47.729 --> 01:42:52.279
was the heads at Easter Island. who were behind the counter,
2151
01:42:52.789 --> 01:42:55.409
and then the poor goth chick who was already crying
2152
01:42:55.449 --> 01:42:57.229
because she had not been let on the plane because
2153
01:42:57.310 --> 01:42:58.810
a friend of hers, I think it was like a
2154
01:42:58.850 --> 01:43:02.649
bereavement fair or something, somebody was being buried in L.A.
2155
01:43:02.689 --> 01:43:05.869
the following morning, and they were like, shove off, bitch.
2156
01:43:06.409 --> 01:43:09.449
And she was like, my friend died, and I'm going
2157
01:43:09.470 --> 01:43:11.750
to L.A. And they're like, yeah, shove off. What are
2158
01:43:11.770 --> 01:43:13.130
you going to do? What are you going to do?
2159
01:43:13.149 --> 01:43:15.989
All right, so that was my lovely haircut. And again,
2160
01:43:16.029 --> 01:43:18.390
if you're going to storm off, make sure the schmock
2161
01:43:18.569 --> 01:43:22.310
and or the microphone... Right, remove them first. is removed first.
2162
01:43:22.409 --> 01:43:24.550
So you really have no idea what he... His hair
2163
01:43:24.569 --> 01:43:25.550
looked totally fine to you?
2164
01:43:26.689 --> 01:43:29.569
First off, he had old man hair, like just sort
2165
01:43:29.609 --> 01:43:33.390
of that all gray, sort of straight, weird old guy hair.
2166
01:43:33.640 --> 01:43:38.399
And then secondly... It looked like a normal haircut to me.
2167
01:43:38.439 --> 01:43:41.500
It wasn't like, oh, Jesus Christ, she missed on that
2168
01:43:41.600 --> 01:43:44.420
one or something. There wasn't anything going on. He clearly
2169
01:43:44.520 --> 01:43:48.479
came in with some ideas. My ideas are always just,
2170
01:43:48.619 --> 01:43:50.729
whatever it is now, make it about 40% shorter and
2171
01:43:50.810 --> 01:43:54.090
we'll be cool and clean up that weird hair stuff
2172
01:43:54.130 --> 01:43:55.789
on the back of my neck. But other than that,
2173
01:43:56.130 --> 01:43:59.470
we don't have anything to talk about. But he had
2174
01:43:59.649 --> 01:44:01.510
ideas of what he wanted done with his hair.
2175
01:44:01.810 --> 01:44:03.590
He probably gave them a picture of Jennifer Aniston.
2176
01:44:03.609 --> 01:44:03.789
Yeah.
2177
01:44:04.850 --> 01:44:06.310
Yeah, but Circa Friends.
2178
01:44:06.369 --> 01:44:06.850
The Rachel.
2179
01:44:06.970 --> 01:44:07.590
Yeah, the Rachel.
2180
01:44:07.689 --> 01:44:07.909
Yeah.
2181
01:44:08.390 --> 01:44:12.689
First off, it's a fucking $ 12. 99 haircut. Who do you
2182
01:44:12.710 --> 01:44:15.909
think you're going to? Jose Iber? Like, fucking what? Who?
2183
01:44:15.970 --> 01:44:16.689
All right.
2184
01:44:17.840 --> 01:44:19.229
I would have gone with the dude, are you gay
2185
01:44:19.300 --> 01:44:19.689
on that one.
2186
01:44:19.949 --> 01:44:22.140
All right. The point is, the guy was hot for
2187
01:44:22.159 --> 01:44:24.439
a while. The point is, if you're paying well.
2188
01:44:24.460 --> 01:44:24.979
Are you gay?
2189
01:44:25.140 --> 01:44:27.939
If you're paying well under $ 15 for your haircut and
2190
01:44:27.979 --> 01:44:31.800
it's 2011, you shouldn't have a laundry list of demands. Right.
2191
01:44:33.699 --> 01:44:35.500
Come on, find me a picture of Jose with the
2192
01:44:35.539 --> 01:44:37.789
ponytail and the weird bent-up cowboy hat.
2193
01:44:37.899 --> 01:44:39.970
And the silver turquoise jewelry.
2194
01:44:40.069 --> 01:44:42.329
Yeah, he was one of the pioneers of that weird
2195
01:44:42.489 --> 01:44:44.630
starched bent-up cowboy hat.
2196
01:44:44.729 --> 01:44:46.909
I'm just excited because the listeners don't know you come
2197
01:44:46.930 --> 01:44:49.050
into the show usually with a note or two about
2198
01:44:49.090 --> 01:44:51.520
what to talk about. You have haircut, and underneath that,
2199
01:44:51.539 --> 01:44:53.600
in big letters, in excess.
2200
01:44:54.460 --> 01:44:55.439
Yeah, there's Jose.
2201
01:44:55.760 --> 01:44:56.140
Yeah.
2202
01:44:56.300 --> 01:45:00.430
Holding a dildo. Evidently a black one. yeah well you'll
2203
01:45:00.470 --> 01:45:03.250
you'll be sad bald brian but i i just i
2204
01:45:03.289 --> 01:45:06.409
just put the um i'm not gonna get too much
2205
01:45:06.470 --> 01:45:08.989
into in excess because i like those guys but i
2206
01:45:09.050 --> 01:45:12.170
did have the you know i had the 80s channel
2207
01:45:12.189 --> 01:45:14.250
just sort of going throughout the house like on the
2208
01:45:14.310 --> 01:45:18.060
satellite radio whatever and uh I took a nap. My
2209
01:45:18.119 --> 01:45:20.279
wife took a nap. And we both got up and
2210
01:45:20.340 --> 01:45:27.329
we walked downstairs and we heard that. It's party. This
2211
01:45:27.390 --> 01:45:30.810
is what it is. What is party here? And at
2212
01:45:30.829 --> 01:45:33.189
a certain point, I just I said to my wife,
2213
01:45:33.210 --> 01:45:34.449
you know, that thing when you wake up from a
2214
01:45:34.489 --> 01:45:35.840
nap and you're sort of pre annoyed.
2215
01:45:36.600 --> 01:45:37.260
Yes.
2216
01:45:37.340 --> 01:45:39.659
Everything's easy to get on your last nerve. I just
2217
01:45:39.680 --> 01:45:41.159
looked at my wife and I said, how badly does
2218
01:45:41.199 --> 01:45:44.000
this song suck? And she went, oh my God, it sucks.
2219
01:45:44.119 --> 01:45:46.979
And I was like, I know, In Excess sucks so much.
2220
01:45:47.000 --> 01:45:48.260
Did you renew your vows?
2221
01:45:48.399 --> 01:45:51.739
And I'm like, I understand fast songs. I understand songs
2222
01:45:51.760 --> 01:45:54.060
when you just want to fucking rock out and understand
2223
01:45:54.119 --> 01:45:55.960
songs that are slow and melodic where you just want
2224
01:45:55.979 --> 01:45:58.279
to cry and they're just all moody and everything. I
2225
01:45:58.340 --> 01:46:01.220
don't understand the in-between. This is a nothing song.
2226
01:46:01.260 --> 01:46:03.600
What in God's holy name are you blathering about? They're
2227
01:46:03.619 --> 01:46:11.140
missing fucking instruments. It's just an annoying song. Wait, is
2228
01:46:11.159 --> 01:46:12.239
this a party here?
2229
01:46:12.310 --> 01:46:14.649
That's what it is? Or what's the fucking name of
2230
01:46:14.689 --> 01:46:19.430
that fucking piece of cat shit? And I like Inexist,
2231
01:46:19.449 --> 01:46:21.970
but they're fucking horrible. And then I started thinking, you
2232
01:46:22.010 --> 01:46:26.409
know what? If their lead singer, Michael Hutchins, if he
2233
01:46:26.449 --> 01:46:30.850
didn't look like a Nagel painting in 1986, this band
2234
01:46:30.869 --> 01:46:34.550
would be nothing. They're fucking horrible. And no band has
2235
01:46:34.569 --> 01:46:38.670
had less... They have no musical anything. He talks. He
2236
01:46:38.729 --> 01:46:41.479
talks the whole fucking time. And it's always like, if
2237
01:46:41.560 --> 01:46:43.560
I ever heard In Excess, I would go, this is
2238
01:46:43.579 --> 01:46:45.619
a good demo tape. Now let's go into the studio
2239
01:46:45.640 --> 01:46:47.319
and finish the song. And they'd go, what are you
2240
01:46:47.359 --> 01:46:49.239
talking about? We're done. And I'd go, what do you mean?
2241
01:46:49.260 --> 01:46:52.479
This is scratch track, right? You made this in your basement, right?
2242
01:46:52.520 --> 01:46:53.380
What are you talking about?
2243
01:46:53.399 --> 01:46:53.699
We're done.
2244
01:46:53.760 --> 01:46:56.399
Now settle down and let's watch Less Than Zero.
2245
01:46:57.590 --> 01:47:05.100
Oh, my God. Are they a shitty band? Yeah, this
2246
01:47:05.159 --> 01:47:09.119
song is grating. And the thing is, it's a nowhere song.
2247
01:47:09.560 --> 01:47:12.449
It's not fast. It's not slow. It doesn't have a
2248
01:47:12.489 --> 01:47:16.449
cool groove. It has nothing. It's just, there's a party here.
2249
01:47:16.529 --> 01:47:17.520
That's what this is.
2250
01:47:17.560 --> 01:47:18.479
What's he saying? It's a great groove.
2251
01:47:19.119 --> 01:47:22.800
Fucking horrible piece of shit, unmelodic, just empty. It's an
2252
01:47:22.939 --> 01:47:25.920
empty song. It's a piece of fucking styrofoam packing. It's
2253
01:47:25.939 --> 01:47:29.779
got bad sax. Everything's bad. It's the same song, by
2254
01:47:29.800 --> 01:47:32.119
the way. It's where's the rest of the instruments? And
2255
01:47:32.159 --> 01:47:35.399
it says there's fucking eight guys in the band. How
2256
01:47:35.439 --> 01:47:36.739
many of them play the tambourine?
2257
01:47:36.779 --> 01:47:37.939
He's no Jesus Jones.
2258
01:47:37.960 --> 01:47:40.159
What you said is subjective and you're entitled to your opinion,
2259
01:47:40.270 --> 01:47:41.399
but no groove.
2260
01:47:41.439 --> 01:47:46.569
This is a great groove. This is as good as
2261
01:47:46.649 --> 01:47:50.920
it gets. And then this part just never ends. There's
2262
01:47:50.979 --> 01:47:52.039
a party here.
2263
01:47:52.140 --> 01:47:52.899
That's what it is.
2264
01:47:52.939 --> 01:47:53.699
What's he saying?
2265
01:47:55.500 --> 01:47:58.920
That's right.
2266
01:47:59.020 --> 01:48:05.670
Oh, it's what this. Oh, well, you know, it's just. No,
2267
01:48:05.729 --> 01:48:09.449
it's soulless. It's a piece of shit song. It's just
2268
01:48:09.470 --> 01:48:12.439
such a zero. In Excess is such a shitty band.
2269
01:48:12.899 --> 01:48:16.560
I defy to find a shittier musical band that has
2270
01:48:16.590 --> 01:48:19.890
had more hits than In Excess. Musically, they're fucking crazy.
2271
01:48:21.119 --> 01:48:22.699
We couldn't be on more opposite sides of the spectrum. Well,
2272
01:48:22.720 --> 01:48:26.340
first off, he can't sing. He talks. The sax is
2273
01:48:26.399 --> 01:48:29.510
this weird, screechy, bad 80s piece of shit.
2274
01:48:29.770 --> 01:48:30.890
Ooh, yeah.
2275
01:48:33.880 --> 01:48:35.140
I don't know what to do to it. It's like
2276
01:48:35.159 --> 01:48:37.159
you can't dance to it. You fuck to it, Adam.
2277
01:48:37.460 --> 01:48:39.399
You fuck to it. You can hide to it. You
2278
01:48:39.439 --> 01:48:40.890
can't karaoke it.
2279
01:48:41.430 --> 01:48:41.600
No.
2280
01:48:42.270 --> 01:48:45.090
It's not a karaoke song. It's not a driving song. Yeah,
2281
01:48:45.149 --> 01:48:54.390
you shop to it. Oh, let's slow it down. I mean,
2282
01:48:54.430 --> 01:48:55.970
my wife and I were just looking at each other going,
2283
01:48:55.989 --> 01:48:57.970
do you hate this song? She goes, I hate this song.
2284
01:48:58.010 --> 01:49:03.020
I go, I know. It fucking sucks. That's classic. It's
2285
01:49:03.300 --> 01:49:09.670
so soulless. It's fucking devoid of a soul. It's horrible. Allison,
2286
01:49:09.689 --> 01:49:12.989
you were in a band. It's fucking ridiculously bad. It's
2287
01:49:13.010 --> 01:49:13.770
not music.
2288
01:49:16.510 --> 01:49:17.810
It's very synthesized.
2289
01:49:18.689 --> 01:49:23.260
There's nothing to it. It's zero. You know what it is?
2290
01:49:23.380 --> 01:49:23.569
It's a.
2291
01:49:25.520 --> 01:49:28.449
It's a rice cake. With just a little, I can't
2292
01:49:28.489 --> 01:49:32.010
believe it's not butter sprayed on it. Just one, I
2293
01:49:32.029 --> 01:49:34.510
can't believe it's not. Just one spritz. One half a,
2294
01:49:35.210 --> 01:49:36.210
that's it. That's it.
2295
01:49:36.250 --> 01:49:36.739
That's only.
2296
01:49:36.710 --> 01:49:37.250
9 calories.
2297
01:49:37.390 --> 01:49:41.630
It's nothing. Speaking of processed food.
2298
01:49:41.810 --> 01:49:42.829
Nice guys, by the way.
2299
01:49:42.869 --> 01:49:43.470
Love them dearly.
2300
01:49:43.609 --> 01:49:46.989
But Jesus, their music is horrible. And the fact that
2301
01:49:47.029 --> 01:49:51.109
I've heard this song 200,000 times is a fucking travesty.
2302
01:49:51.350 --> 01:49:53.340
It gets played every 10 seconds on the 80s channel.
2303
01:49:53.359 --> 01:49:56.720
It's just a piece of shit. It's horrible. In Excess
2304
01:49:56.739 --> 01:50:00.500
is a horrible band. All right, anyone, find me how
2305
01:50:00.520 --> 01:50:02.930
many hits In Excess has had, and then I defy
2306
01:50:02.970 --> 01:50:05.189
to find me a shittier band musically.
2307
01:50:05.390 --> 01:50:05.630
Right.
2308
01:50:05.810 --> 01:50:07.710
A worse band that has had more hits. I mean,
2309
01:50:08.050 --> 01:50:09.949
you can say what you want about Hall & Oates,
2310
01:50:10.010 --> 01:50:11.770
and Hall & Oates has a ton of shitty songs
2311
01:50:11.800 --> 01:50:14.220
that made it. Maybe Huey Lewis.
2312
01:50:14.460 --> 01:50:14.699
Uh-uh.
2313
01:50:15.789 --> 01:50:18.750
But even Huey Lewis has a fuller sound than this.
2314
01:50:18.890 --> 01:50:20.109
I don't know if it's better than this.
2315
01:50:20.149 --> 01:50:21.880
Yeah, I don't want to listen to Huey Lewis.
2316
01:50:22.180 --> 01:50:23.340
You like Huey Lewis in the news?
2317
01:50:23.520 --> 01:50:24.880
Wait, where do you put Robert Palmer?
2318
01:50:27.050 --> 01:50:30.029
I am quite familiar with NXS's Canon. And you and
2319
01:50:30.050 --> 01:50:31.720
I could not be on more opposite sides of this.
2320
01:50:31.770 --> 01:50:34.739
That's a band that gets lumped in. You like horrible music.
2321
01:50:34.779 --> 01:50:35.159
No, no, no.
2322
01:50:35.180 --> 01:50:38.880
You have horrible taste, Brian. Please. Anacest is a piece
2323
01:50:39.020 --> 01:50:41.939
of shit band. They get lumped in with who?
2324
01:50:42.020 --> 01:50:44.149
With a lot of the sort of synth pop bands
2325
01:50:44.189 --> 01:50:46.210
of the 80s, and I think they don't deserve it
2326
01:50:46.229 --> 01:50:46.449
at all.
2327
01:50:46.489 --> 01:50:47.750
They've got great grooves, and they.
2328
01:50:47.789 --> 01:50:52.670
They have a singer who talks. All the songs sound alike,
2329
01:50:53.130 --> 01:50:55.409
and I might have a half a song of theirs
2330
01:50:55.479 --> 01:50:55.819
I like.
2331
01:50:55.960 --> 01:50:56.199
Anyway.
2332
01:50:57.319 --> 01:51:02.979
Let's talk about happier things. Universal CityWalk this Thursday. Bryan Cranston, everyone.
2333
01:51:03.239 --> 01:51:07.229
Ace Hotel, Palm Springs, 21st. That's the live podcast. Queen
2334
01:51:07.270 --> 01:51:10.470
Elizabeth Theatre, Toronto. All right, Canada, I'm coming to you.
2335
01:51:10.529 --> 01:51:14.409
Now buy some goddamn tickets. That's this Friday. Borgato Casino,
2336
01:51:14.449 --> 01:51:18.270
Atlantic City. That is this Saturday. House of Blues, Vegas,
2337
01:51:18.489 --> 01:51:21.989
coming up on the 6th of August. And I should tell.
2338
01:51:22.029 --> 01:51:23.550
Do you have fun at these shows, even though we're
2339
01:51:23.569 --> 01:51:23.949
not there?
2340
01:51:24.590 --> 01:51:29.140
I have... I like the, um, lack of us, the
2341
01:51:29.180 --> 01:51:32.100
lack of you. I like the single show nights. The
2342
01:51:32.159 --> 01:51:35.449
two show nights are a little bit rough, especially when
2343
01:51:35.489 --> 01:51:38.649
they spread them way out. Like they tell Mike August,
2344
01:51:38.670 --> 01:51:41.010
the first shows at seven and the first shows at eight,
2345
01:51:41.069 --> 01:51:42.949
we get there at six 30. And then the second
2346
01:51:42.970 --> 01:51:44.550
show is supposed to start at 10, but it starts
2347
01:51:44.609 --> 01:51:47.479
at 10 30 and everyone's drunk at the end of
2348
01:51:47.520 --> 01:51:49.539
the thing. And it ends up being three hours of
2349
01:51:49.560 --> 01:51:52.159
me standing there sort of sweating through my shirt. But, uh,
2350
01:51:52.779 --> 01:51:55.909
The one, uh, in it, in excess had 17 billboard
2351
01:51:55.989 --> 01:51:59.930
hits and, uh, in, in the U S and seven
2352
01:52:00.029 --> 01:52:03.149
in the top 10. That is a fucking travesty for
2353
01:52:03.170 --> 01:52:07.390
a horrible band. All right. Uh, Amazon, a lot of
2354
01:52:07.430 --> 01:52:10.069
people been asking about Amazon. They've been hearing the stories,
2355
01:52:10.289 --> 01:52:14.659
Jerry Brown, governor Brown signing legislation, blah, blah, blah. Amazon
2356
01:52:14.699 --> 01:52:19.289
pulling out affiliates program. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I
2357
01:52:19.310 --> 01:52:22.670
have told you that Amazon and our relationship with Amazon
2358
01:52:22.710 --> 01:52:26.800
has been fantastic. And you guys and coming through with
2359
01:52:27.029 --> 01:52:32.000
your support for this show through your support of Amazon
2360
01:52:32.039 --> 01:52:35.079
has been better than we could have ever even imagined.
2361
01:52:35.460 --> 01:52:37.300
And a lot of people have been asking on Twitter
2362
01:52:37.319 --> 01:52:38.720
and the message board and so on and so forth,
2363
01:52:38.859 --> 01:52:42.369
now what's going to happen with Amazon? We struck a
2364
01:52:42.409 --> 01:52:45.729
deal with Amazon. We have worked it out with Amazon.
2365
01:52:46.010 --> 01:52:48.069
I will not bore you with all the details. I
2366
01:52:48.109 --> 01:52:51.069
will tell you business as usual as far as you
2367
01:52:51.109 --> 01:52:54.020
guys are concerned with Amazon. So again, if you'd like
2368
01:52:54.060 --> 01:52:56.920
to support the show and you're thinking about getting something
2369
01:52:56.960 --> 01:53:00.619
on Amazon, go to AdamCarolla.com and click on the button
2370
01:53:00.659 --> 01:53:03.539
there and you will be supporting the show. It'll be
2371
01:53:03.560 --> 01:53:07.239
in a slightly different way. because of the laws, but
2372
01:53:07.380 --> 01:53:09.840
you still will be supporting this show. So as far
2373
01:53:09.899 --> 01:53:12.689
as anyone who's listening who has any questions about us
2374
01:53:12.770 --> 01:53:15.510
and Amazon and supporting this show, all you have to
2375
01:53:15.550 --> 01:53:18.170
do is exactly what you were doing two weeks ago,
2376
01:53:18.329 --> 01:53:22.149
which was perfect, and you keep it up and we'll
2377
01:53:22.189 --> 01:53:24.670
be in Clover and you'll be able to support the show.
2378
01:53:25.109 --> 01:53:27.770
All right, and speaking of that, for those of you
2379
01:53:27.810 --> 01:53:30.449
who want to do the Groupon thing and support the
2380
01:53:30.500 --> 01:53:33.560
show through Groupon, which I've just been digging on, all
2381
01:53:33.600 --> 01:53:36.260
the local things and all the savings and all the stuff,
2382
01:53:36.600 --> 01:53:39.359
you can use the Groupon link on our website for
2383
01:53:39.420 --> 01:53:41.920
group deals local to you. Yes, Brian?
2384
01:53:42.000 --> 01:53:42.939
Did that last night.
2385
01:53:43.560 --> 01:53:44.939
Sushi. Now, now.
2386
01:53:45.439 --> 01:53:48.880
Almost as good. Click through the Groupon link. How dare you?
2387
01:53:49.380 --> 01:53:51.170
Clicked on the Groupon link on our website and got
2388
01:53:51.289 --> 01:53:53.489
a gift card for wine tastings.
2389
01:53:55.529 --> 01:53:55.810
Uh-huh.
2390
01:53:55.869 --> 01:53:56.029
Yeah.
2391
01:53:56.149 --> 01:53:57.369
And jump right through our site.
2392
01:53:57.390 --> 01:53:57.949
Yeah, it's really cool.
2393
01:53:57.970 --> 01:53:59.310
It's really all a gift card for $ 10.
2394
01:53:59.170 --> 01:54:02.329
I think even Amalfi, my restaurant, is on that. That's
2395
01:54:02.409 --> 01:54:05.050
out here. And then wherever you're listening, there's some version
2396
01:54:05.090 --> 01:54:07.020
of that that has to do with wine or yogurt
2397
01:54:07.060 --> 01:54:10.579
or haircuts or Italian food or massages or cuticle pushes
2398
01:54:10.640 --> 01:54:12.479
or whatever. And you can just get it. Big fat.
2399
01:54:12.939 --> 01:54:16.880
Big fat old discount. All right. Should we do some news?
2400
01:54:16.939 --> 01:54:18.260
Should we do relationship calls?
2401
01:54:18.279 --> 01:54:18.560
Yes.
2402
01:54:18.840 --> 01:54:19.260
Dawson.
2403
01:54:19.560 --> 01:54:19.979
R.E.M.
2404
01:54:20.220 --> 01:54:21.979
Better or worse than In Excess?
2405
01:54:22.090 --> 01:54:22.850
Oh, much better.
2406
01:54:22.939 --> 01:54:23.750
Much better.
2407
01:54:23.829 --> 01:54:27.029
I don't like R.E.M. I don't like R.E.M., but musically
2408
01:54:27.069 --> 01:54:27.350
they're great.
2409
01:54:27.369 --> 01:54:28.649
Well, gratefully they have more hits.
2410
01:54:29.170 --> 01:54:29.529
Oh, good.
2411
01:54:29.710 --> 01:54:29.930
R.E.M.
2412
01:54:29.970 --> 01:54:34.229
Has many... R.E.M. has a lot of sort of bullshit
2413
01:54:34.270 --> 01:54:35.149
jack-off songs.
2414
01:54:35.329 --> 01:54:37.920
Like that Stand song. I did not like listening to
2415
01:54:37.960 --> 01:54:38.340
that one.
2416
01:54:38.720 --> 01:54:41.770
But Stand is... Stand is a song where they're sort
2417
01:54:41.810 --> 01:54:45.289
of making fun of pop songs or something, or they
2418
01:54:45.310 --> 01:54:47.670
have a couple of those songs. They're sort of intentional
2419
01:54:47.710 --> 01:54:53.970
pop songs. But I hate everyone in R.E.M., but melodically,
2420
01:54:54.329 --> 01:54:57.939
much better than NXS. NXS is Missing Instruments. It sounds
2421
01:54:57.960 --> 01:55:00.680
like a scratch track to me. I don't know. I
2422
01:55:00.680 --> 01:55:03.020
have to get into Robert Palmer and figure him out.
2423
01:55:03.539 --> 01:55:04.840
All right. Do you want to do a little bit
2424
01:55:04.899 --> 01:55:05.239
of news?
2425
01:55:05.300 --> 01:55:05.500
Yeah.
2426
01:55:06.170 --> 01:55:10.789
Live from the International News Center, next to Donnie's Minibikes,
2427
01:55:11.369 --> 01:55:15.289
this is The News with Alison Rosen.
2428
01:55:15.649 --> 01:55:19.310
Adam, your buddy Drew has said that Celeb Rehab is
2429
01:55:19.350 --> 01:55:21.739
going on indefinite hiatus after this season.
2430
01:55:21.760 --> 01:55:22.220
Wow.
2431
01:55:22.260 --> 01:55:24.140
Now, I've heard a couple different stories about why this
2432
01:55:24.199 --> 01:55:27.739
is happening. The official word is that he is just
2433
01:55:27.779 --> 01:55:30.140
too busy because he has, you know, a zillion shows.
2434
01:55:30.619 --> 01:55:33.340
But then The Fix, which is a website that focuses
2435
01:55:33.359 --> 01:55:33.739
on sobriety.
2436
01:55:33.760 --> 01:55:38.020
Oh, I hate that band. Reach the beach.
2437
01:55:38.079 --> 01:55:39.100
One thing leads to another.
2438
01:55:39.140 --> 01:55:39.500
Yeah.
2439
01:55:40.680 --> 01:55:46.399
Is postulating that it's because he is depressed over the
2440
01:55:46.539 --> 01:55:48.899
recent deaths of Mike Starr and Jeff Conaway and that
2441
01:55:48.939 --> 01:55:51.520
it's becoming harder and harder to get real celebrities on
2442
01:55:51.539 --> 01:55:52.039
the show.
2443
01:55:52.060 --> 01:55:55.039
I had a nice moment today. I was talking to
2444
01:55:55.060 --> 01:55:58.489
a friend of mine, a civilian friend of mine. You
2445
01:55:58.550 --> 01:56:00.810
have those? Yeah, I have a couple civilian friends.
2446
01:56:00.939 --> 01:56:01.100
Ew.
2447
01:56:01.220 --> 01:56:03.600
It was about noon. I know. Well, I try to
2448
01:56:03.640 --> 01:56:05.449
keep them at arm's distance. That's why we only talk
2449
01:56:05.489 --> 01:56:07.560
over the phone. Right. And I was talking on the phone,
2450
01:56:07.899 --> 01:56:09.899
and it was like that beep on the other line,
2451
01:56:09.939 --> 01:56:12.920
and I took a look. Oh, NBC's calling. And I thought,
2452
01:56:12.939 --> 01:56:15.159
who the fuck? And, you know, my first impulse is, ah,
2453
01:56:15.359 --> 01:56:17.739
I called someone an asshole over there. They're calling to
2454
01:56:17.760 --> 01:56:20.579
settle my hash. And then my next impulse was, oh,
2455
01:56:20.600 --> 01:56:24.140
I think I'm doing Leno next week, and as a,
2456
01:56:24.340 --> 01:56:27.060
not a bit, but being a guest on Leno, and
2457
01:56:27.119 --> 01:56:29.699
it's probably one of their one of their segment producers.
2458
01:56:30.180 --> 01:56:32.279
And it's just on the other phone. So I just go,
2459
01:56:32.319 --> 01:56:35.500
hold on a second, Dan. Click over. Hey, Adam. It's
2460
01:56:35.579 --> 01:56:37.779
Jay Leno on the other line. I say, hey, Jay,
2461
01:56:37.819 --> 01:56:40.319
what's going on? He says, hey, I just want to
2462
01:56:40.340 --> 01:56:42.460
congratulate you on the car show. I've been following it,
2463
01:56:42.699 --> 01:56:44.939
checking out. Commercials look funny. I've read a few reviews.
2464
01:56:44.979 --> 01:56:46.439
Seems like a good show. I just want to wish
2465
01:56:46.460 --> 01:56:46.800
you luck.
2466
01:56:47.100 --> 01:56:47.520
That's nice.
2467
01:56:47.659 --> 01:56:50.340
And I know. It's just one of those. I say
2468
01:56:50.500 --> 01:56:53.460
it every time about Leno. Everyone has something in this
2469
01:56:53.500 --> 01:56:56.960
town negative to say about Leno. I don't think Letterman
2470
01:56:56.979 --> 01:57:00.149
would just give you a buzz. And say kudos to
2471
01:57:00.189 --> 01:57:04.529
you and wish you good luck. I mean, he's very
2472
01:57:04.609 --> 01:57:06.710
menschy that way. And like I said, you can say
2473
01:57:06.750 --> 01:57:09.210
whatever the fuck you want about Jay Leno. But how
2474
01:57:09.229 --> 01:57:12.149
many other guys can you just call at 11 o'clock
2475
01:57:13.100 --> 01:57:15.420
on a Sunday and go, I'm coming over. And he
2476
01:57:15.439 --> 01:57:17.220
just goes, yeah, come over. And just go to a
2477
01:57:17.260 --> 01:57:20.039
shop and walk around with your kid all day. I mean,
2478
01:57:20.079 --> 01:57:23.359
there's no rules, guys. So he calls and he says, hey,
2479
01:57:23.899 --> 01:57:26.100
I just want to tell you, cool. And the show
2480
01:57:26.119 --> 01:57:28.409
looks cool and I'm looking forward to it. And we'd
2481
01:57:28.449 --> 01:57:30.250
talk for a couple of beats. And I say, all right,
2482
01:57:30.449 --> 01:57:31.850
I think I'll see you next week. I don't think
2483
01:57:31.890 --> 01:57:33.850
he knew I was coming in next week. But I said,
2484
01:57:34.430 --> 01:57:36.109
I think I'll see you next week. And he goes, oh, great.
2485
01:57:36.140 --> 01:57:38.260
And I hang up the phone. Go back to talking
2486
01:57:38.300 --> 01:57:41.060
to my friend Dan. And about four minutes later, phone
2487
01:57:41.100 --> 01:57:45.300
rings over again. It says CNN. I click over. It's Dr. Drew. Dr.
2488
01:57:45.340 --> 01:57:48.720
Drew is wanting to tell me about he had our
2489
01:57:48.779 --> 01:57:53.010
friend Paul Verkammen, who's a reporter over there. And I
2490
01:57:53.029 --> 01:57:54.529
had to say, I'm on the other line. But I
2491
01:57:54.529 --> 01:57:55.920
talked to Drew for a second and I come back.
2492
01:57:55.960 --> 01:58:00.159
But in the span of about four minutes, I was like, yeah, sorry,
2493
01:58:00.180 --> 01:58:03.979
that was Leno. Yeah, sorry, that was Drew. Sounded cool, right?
2494
01:58:04.390 --> 01:58:06.770
Very cool. I'm just waiting for Kimmel to call next.
2495
01:58:07.949 --> 01:58:10.300
I think he's with Howard Stern at the Hampton. but
2496
01:58:10.340 --> 01:58:14.539
I don't care. And speaking of the car show, thanks
2497
01:58:14.560 --> 01:58:17.819
for all the nice compliments people have given on the
2498
01:58:18.300 --> 01:58:20.710
commercials and the spots they've seen running and all that
2499
01:58:20.729 --> 01:58:23.449
kind of stuff. And it will air on Wednesday at
2500
01:58:23.449 --> 01:58:26.289
10 o'clock on Speed if you're interested in watching.
2501
01:58:26.350 --> 01:58:27.649
My dad's at the DVR.
2502
01:58:27.670 --> 01:58:29.130
I love him.
2503
01:58:29.149 --> 01:58:29.750
He announced to me.
2504
01:58:30.079 --> 01:58:33.640
My dad, too.
2505
01:58:33.680 --> 01:58:34.949
I mentioned it to rub it in.
2506
01:58:35.869 --> 01:58:38.930
I told my dad about it. I said, two strikes. One,
2507
01:58:38.970 --> 01:58:40.310
don't like cars. Second, you.
2508
01:58:41.949 --> 01:58:43.590
He's like, who's in this show?
2509
01:58:43.710 --> 01:58:47.039
No, seriously. That is two strikes. That is cars and
2510
01:58:47.100 --> 01:58:47.399
his son.
2511
01:58:47.880 --> 01:58:49.520
Well, look at you almost doing topless.
2512
01:58:49.579 --> 01:58:52.159
That's right. All right. Where were we?
2513
01:58:52.180 --> 01:58:54.520
Well, we were talking about your friend, Dr.
2514
01:58:54.560 --> 01:58:54.939
Drew.
2515
01:58:55.119 --> 01:58:55.479
Yeah.
2516
01:58:55.720 --> 01:58:58.140
Who you spoke to today while you were talking to
2517
01:58:58.180 --> 01:58:59.239
your civilian friend.
2518
01:58:59.260 --> 01:58:59.520
I did.
2519
01:58:59.539 --> 01:59:01.760
Who's mostly just a foil for your famous friend.
2520
01:59:01.859 --> 01:59:02.520
Yes.
2521
01:59:03.140 --> 01:59:06.020
And Celebrity Rehab is going on indefinite hiatus after this season.
2522
01:59:06.100 --> 01:59:08.640
Do you know anything about why this is happening?
2523
01:59:08.859 --> 01:59:09.699
Or what are your theories?
2524
01:59:11.340 --> 01:59:15.060
I know Drew has a whole shitload of shows. And
2525
01:59:15.119 --> 01:59:19.430
I know the way sometimes... people do their shows is
2526
01:59:19.590 --> 01:59:23.819
they hedge them, which is don't pull the plug on
2527
01:59:23.899 --> 01:59:26.479
this until you figure out that's going to get picked
2528
01:59:26.539 --> 01:59:28.840
up for season two or to find out we're getting
2529
01:59:28.899 --> 01:59:31.500
traction with that or if that works out. So there's
2530
01:59:31.520 --> 01:59:34.100
this sort of thing where, look, I can't do seven
2531
01:59:34.180 --> 01:59:38.859
shows indefinitely, but somebody probably said, and it was probably
2532
01:59:38.899 --> 01:59:44.979
my ex-manager, look, let's do this. Let's see how it's
2533
01:59:45.020 --> 01:59:48.279
going over there on CNN or wherever that He'll never
2534
01:59:48.340 --> 01:59:50.760
figure out the new network. HLN, you mean? HLN.
2535
01:59:50.880 --> 01:59:51.239
HLN News?
2536
01:59:51.500 --> 01:59:51.779
Yeah.
2537
01:59:51.800 --> 01:59:53.260
Which is part of CNN.
2538
01:59:53.319 --> 01:59:53.520
Right.
2539
01:59:53.680 --> 01:59:56.699
Give that a shot. See how that goes. If we
2540
01:59:56.720 --> 01:59:59.180
get some traction with that and it seems like that's
2541
01:59:59.239 --> 02:00:01.340
looking good, then we can pull the plug on this.
2542
02:00:01.399 --> 02:00:05.930
So evidently, I'm taking this as a sign that that
2543
02:00:06.010 --> 02:00:08.050
show's looking good and doing well.
2544
02:00:08.170 --> 02:00:10.409
And you've got Life Changers coming out, which is a
2545
02:00:10.430 --> 02:00:11.970
television show.
2546
02:00:12.109 --> 02:00:17.220
And yeah. And also, he does... Drew internalizes and carries
2547
02:00:17.239 --> 02:00:20.489
that stuff around. I mean, Drew, as I've said many times,
2548
02:00:21.140 --> 02:00:24.100
some cunt would come backstage at some show we do
2549
02:00:24.180 --> 02:00:26.699
at the university of bitchica. And she'd just come back
2550
02:00:26.760 --> 02:00:30.359
and she'd be some, I almost majored there. Haunchy molestation victim.
2551
02:00:30.500 --> 02:00:32.380
And she'd come back there and she'd go, what makes
2552
02:00:32.439 --> 02:00:34.680
you think it's okay to give out advice? And when
2553
02:00:34.760 --> 02:00:36.779
people have families and blah, blah, blah. And I'd like,
2554
02:00:37.079 --> 02:00:39.640
I'd like shove off bitch. And then we'd be going
2555
02:00:39.659 --> 02:00:42.119
through the airport the next morning. Drew would be like, man,
2556
02:00:42.159 --> 02:00:43.819
I wonder why she was so angry at us. And
2557
02:00:43.859 --> 02:00:46.260
I'd be like, she's angry at her stepdad for molesting her.
2558
02:00:46.279 --> 02:00:47.619
And he'd be like, yeah, but I wish I could
2559
02:00:47.640 --> 02:00:49.359
have explained her. And I'd be like, oh, fuck it.
2560
02:00:49.439 --> 02:00:51.979
Who cares? You know? Yeah, but I feel bad that
2561
02:00:52.020 --> 02:00:55.270
she felt like... So he really internalizes. That was just
2562
02:00:55.409 --> 02:00:56.750
one haunchy cunt.
2563
02:00:57.109 --> 02:00:58.310
Right. That gives me an idea.
2564
02:00:58.930 --> 02:01:01.109
Great John Wayne movie, by the way. Haunchy cunt.
2565
02:01:01.310 --> 02:01:04.789
Replacement host for Celebrity Rehab. Adam Carolla.
2566
02:01:05.109 --> 02:01:05.470
Yeah.
2567
02:01:06.270 --> 02:01:07.930
You can give plenty of good advice.
2568
02:01:07.949 --> 02:01:08.770
Plenty of good doctorate.
2569
02:01:08.789 --> 02:01:09.789
Just stop doing drugs.
2570
02:01:09.949 --> 02:01:12.210
Save your tears for someone that gives a shit. And
2571
02:01:12.270 --> 02:01:13.729
by the way, I'll throw you in the hole and
2572
02:01:13.789 --> 02:01:15.550
crank in excess if you keep this up.
2573
02:01:16.069 --> 02:01:16.250
Now.
2574
02:01:17.100 --> 02:01:19.430
Did you guys, did your shows go over well when
2575
02:01:19.439 --> 02:01:21.390
you performed at the University of Bichica?
2576
02:01:23.569 --> 02:01:30.289
All our live shows went well with the exception of, well,
2577
02:01:30.310 --> 02:01:31.949
we had a couple of bad moments.
2578
02:01:31.979 --> 02:01:33.119
College of Fine Cunts.
2579
02:01:33.359 --> 02:01:33.779
Yeah.
2580
02:01:33.819 --> 02:01:37.239
When we were playing the University of the Labias over
2581
02:01:37.579 --> 02:01:38.039
at that.
2582
02:01:38.609 --> 02:01:39.039
Oh, wow.
2583
02:01:39.460 --> 02:01:44.449
Million-year-old picture. Minora or Majora? The Volvitech. The trade schools
2584
02:01:44.470 --> 02:01:45.409
were never really good.
2585
02:01:45.430 --> 02:01:47.289
It was a graduate program.
2586
02:01:48.310 --> 02:01:48.789
We were.
2587
02:01:49.729 --> 02:01:52.949
I think we were at Syracuse, which has a big
2588
02:01:52.989 --> 02:01:57.430
communications department, and everyone in there was in the television, radio, whatever.
2589
02:01:57.609 --> 02:01:59.529
And at some point at the beginning of the show,
2590
02:01:59.590 --> 02:02:02.350
somebody said, what do you think about getting into radio
2591
02:02:02.409 --> 02:02:04.890
and getting into television? What's the best way to break in?
2592
02:02:04.949 --> 02:02:08.239
And Drew just did this. Don't bother with the classes
2593
02:02:08.279 --> 02:02:11.350
and don't bother with the programs and don't bother with it.
2594
02:02:11.399 --> 02:02:15.340
And there were 2,000 people in there that were all communication, television,
2595
02:02:15.420 --> 02:02:19.359
radio majors. And he was like, go to a... don't
2596
02:02:19.600 --> 02:02:22.220
just go to a, go to a radio station, start
2597
02:02:22.260 --> 02:02:24.880
driving the van and interning. Don't even bother with all
2598
02:02:24.920 --> 02:02:26.939
these courses that he had no idea in the room.
2599
02:02:27.000 --> 02:02:28.920
It's like the life was sucked out of it and
2600
02:02:29.060 --> 02:02:32.039
I could feel it, but Drew never, never could.
2601
02:02:32.060 --> 02:02:32.140
Yeah.
2602
02:02:32.319 --> 02:02:34.720
Yeah. It was about the only tough time we had.
2603
02:02:36.060 --> 02:02:40.390
Well, a Marine has asked Mila Kunis to the Marine
2604
02:02:40.449 --> 02:02:44.270
Corps ball on a YouTube video and she accepted.
2605
02:02:44.090 --> 02:02:45.390
And we will watch the video.
2606
02:02:45.430 --> 02:02:47.970
But while we're watching it, I want you to think
2607
02:02:48.010 --> 02:02:50.250
about something, which I've been thinking about, which is, did
2608
02:02:50.289 --> 02:02:52.489
she accept because it's sort of like when you're at
2609
02:02:52.510 --> 02:02:54.250
the grocery store and in front of everyone, they're like,
2610
02:02:54.270 --> 02:02:56.890
would you like to donate a dollar to young children
2611
02:02:56.930 --> 02:02:57.989
suffering from something horrible?
2612
02:02:58.010 --> 02:02:58.390
Right.
2613
02:02:58.409 --> 02:02:59.329
And you feel like you have to.
2614
02:02:59.470 --> 02:03:00.289
How did she say no?
2615
02:03:00.569 --> 02:03:02.170
Oh, the guy, the guy at the barber would have
2616
02:03:02.189 --> 02:03:02.729
yelled no.
2617
02:03:03.010 --> 02:03:03.210
Yeah.
2618
02:03:03.229 --> 02:03:05.170
And then said, where's that kid with the disease? I
2619
02:03:05.189 --> 02:03:07.130
want to choke the fucking life out of him. Someone
2620
02:03:07.149 --> 02:03:09.529
take my cape off. Yes. Sorry.
2621
02:03:09.670 --> 02:03:09.829
Yeah.
2622
02:03:09.869 --> 02:03:10.449
What can you do?
2623
02:03:10.569 --> 02:03:10.829
Right.
2624
02:03:11.029 --> 02:03:11.270
Right.
2625
02:03:11.289 --> 02:03:11.670
All right.
2626
02:03:11.770 --> 02:03:14.380
Well, I think we have the video. Yes, we do.
2627
02:03:17.270 --> 02:03:17.510
Hey, Mila.
2628
02:03:17.590 --> 02:03:19.529
It's Sergeant Moore, as you can call me, Scott.
2629
02:03:19.550 --> 02:03:21.180
I just want to take a moment out of my.
2630
02:03:21.069 --> 02:03:23.819
Day to invite you to the Marine Corps Ball on.
2631
02:03:23.779 --> 02:03:27.640
November 18th in Greenville, North Carolina, with yours truly. So
2632
02:03:27.819 --> 02:03:29.739
take a second, think about it, get back to me.
2633
02:03:29.800 --> 02:03:33.359
All right. Bye now. I am this close to raping you!
2634
02:03:33.380 --> 02:03:36.460
I stepped on a landmine moments later.
2635
02:03:36.479 --> 02:03:37.819
She said yes.
2636
02:03:38.239 --> 02:03:42.930
Oh, really? Yeah. I've been thinking a lot about Mila lately.
2637
02:03:43.470 --> 02:03:44.289
Well, haven't we all?
2638
02:03:44.310 --> 02:03:47.659
Mm-hmm. She's one of these people, really nice. She's like
2639
02:03:47.680 --> 02:03:51.470
a really sweet person. When you see her in real life,
2640
02:03:51.510 --> 02:03:55.869
there's nothing there. It's just like a cute, cute little girl.
2641
02:03:56.050 --> 02:03:58.630
But she's all a five foot nothing and a hundred
2642
02:03:58.850 --> 02:04:03.659
nothing pounds. There's not anything there. She photographs exceptionally well
2643
02:04:03.739 --> 02:04:07.560
and looks great on the posters. No, then there's people
2644
02:04:07.600 --> 02:04:11.569
when you see them. In person, there's more there than
2645
02:04:12.409 --> 02:04:14.739
you thought you saw in the picture. She's just a
2646
02:04:14.779 --> 02:04:18.350
lot of nothing. I know it sounds in a bad way.
2647
02:04:18.369 --> 02:04:20.470
I just mean, I'd see her, she'd do Loveline, or
2648
02:04:20.529 --> 02:04:22.539
I'd do... Like your loins.
2649
02:04:22.180 --> 02:04:23.500
Aren't on fire when you see her in person.
2650
02:04:23.539 --> 02:04:25.680
No, she's like a little cute little, she's like a
2651
02:04:25.680 --> 02:04:26.119
little sort of.
2652
02:04:26.579 --> 02:04:28.140
She's definitely attractive, but she's waifish.
2653
02:04:28.960 --> 02:04:32.199
She's not even, it's not even waifish, she's short. She's smurfish.
2654
02:04:32.689 --> 02:04:36.510
She literally, if she was working behind the counter at
2655
02:04:36.569 --> 02:04:40.310
a Zancou chicken and you walked in, you wouldn't say anything.
2656
02:04:40.909 --> 02:04:44.390
Versus if Gwyneth Paltrow was, you'd be like, hey, what
2657
02:04:44.409 --> 02:04:46.909
are you doing here? You know what I mean? Let
2658
02:04:46.930 --> 02:04:49.649
me get you into Playboy. There's not much. Now, it's
2659
02:04:49.689 --> 02:04:51.680
funny because I was about to bring up Macaulay Culkin.
2660
02:04:52.819 --> 02:04:55.000
Somebody just brought a picture. And I haven't been thinking
2661
02:04:55.039 --> 02:04:56.560
about this the last few days. I can't remember if
2662
02:04:56.600 --> 02:04:59.899
I brought it up. But this is horrible for him, right?
2663
02:05:01.130 --> 02:05:05.170
That she's going to this thing.
2664
02:05:04.829 --> 02:05:06.569
With the Marine guy? They're broken up.
2665
02:05:06.630 --> 02:05:07.510
Or just that she's everywhere?
2666
02:05:07.930 --> 02:05:12.630
The fact that... When he met her and when she
2667
02:05:12.649 --> 02:05:16.029
did Loveline, she introduced me to him like six years
2668
02:05:16.090 --> 02:05:19.939
ago or whatever. And when I was doing The Family Guy,
2669
02:05:19.949 --> 02:05:21.779
I think he was hanging out with her and what
2670
02:05:21.819 --> 02:05:24.460
have you. But the point is, by the way, they
2671
02:05:24.479 --> 02:05:27.720
should have kids. They'd have amazing eyes. The point is,
2672
02:05:28.659 --> 02:05:32.239
you see her in real life. Macaulay Culkin is 5'4.
2673
02:05:32.260 --> 02:05:34.819
There's nothing to her in real life. You just go, oh,
2674
02:05:34.840 --> 02:05:36.779
those are nice eyes, but there's not much. But it
2675
02:05:36.800 --> 02:05:40.470
looks great on a poster. And she's great. But from
2676
02:05:40.510 --> 02:05:44.390
Macaulay Culkin's standpoint, the only thing worse than you being
2677
02:05:44.489 --> 02:05:49.060
a former superstar, and I mean, Macaulay Culkin was big.
2678
02:05:49.319 --> 02:05:49.560
Yeah.
2679
02:05:49.579 --> 02:05:51.430
As big as big gets.
2680
02:05:51.510 --> 02:05:53.390
At his peak, easily one of the top ten stars
2681
02:05:53.409 --> 02:05:53.729
in the world.
2682
02:05:55.569 --> 02:05:58.539
Easily. At his peak. The only thing worse than that
2683
02:05:59.060 --> 02:06:02.159
is that the chick who was like, you know, fifth
2684
02:06:02.279 --> 02:06:06.859
fiddle on a so-so sitcom who's been canceled, who looks
2685
02:06:06.899 --> 02:06:08.659
like she's going to ride out the rest of her
2686
02:06:08.720 --> 02:06:12.279
life hammering checks and smoking pot with you, all of
2687
02:06:12.300 --> 02:06:15.300
a sudden just turns into this big rom-com superstar.
2688
02:06:15.319 --> 02:06:15.579
Right.
2689
02:06:15.720 --> 02:06:16.659
And leaves you in the dust.
2690
02:06:16.739 --> 02:06:19.670
And now you're broken up. Like, the only thing worse than, hey,
2691
02:06:20.000 --> 02:06:23.119
I see Mila on every fucking poster. I mean, her...
2692
02:06:24.010 --> 02:06:28.359
Her chances when she left that 70s show, she had
2693
02:06:28.380 --> 02:06:31.720
a good four or five years of not a lot
2694
02:06:31.979 --> 02:06:34.510
going on, and nobody was looking at her going, you know,
2695
02:06:34.649 --> 02:06:38.029
she's going to be the next Jennifer Aniston. Pow.
2696
02:06:38.449 --> 02:06:41.250
It's probably like how it is for my ex-boyfriends finding
2697
02:06:41.310 --> 02:06:43.250
out that I'm on this podcast. It's like they can't
2698
02:06:43.289 --> 02:06:45.880
even go to iTunes and click something and then something
2699
02:06:45.920 --> 02:06:48.479
and get to something and something without finding me.
2700
02:06:48.800 --> 02:06:49.560
Yeah.
2701
02:06:49.600 --> 02:06:50.199
In their face.
2702
02:06:50.420 --> 02:06:50.800
Yeah.
2703
02:06:50.819 --> 02:06:51.380
With my voice.
2704
02:06:51.579 --> 02:06:53.119
See, they're just going to have sex.
2705
02:06:55.100 --> 02:06:55.680
In this movie?
2706
02:06:55.859 --> 02:06:56.180
Yeah.
2707
02:06:56.420 --> 02:06:57.340
Oh, Friends with Benefits.
2708
02:06:57.359 --> 02:06:58.859
Yeah, but it turns out.
2709
02:06:58.880 --> 02:06:59.920
I feel like that's complicated.
2710
02:06:59.939 --> 02:07:03.899
It turns out that after, you know... Right, after the coitus.
2711
02:07:03.979 --> 02:07:06.670
Here's a prediction. One of them starts dating and the
2712
02:07:06.710 --> 02:07:09.909
other one gets a little jealous. But anyway, at the end,
2713
02:07:10.069 --> 02:07:11.869
he just kills her and puts her in a wood chipper.
2714
02:07:12.090 --> 02:07:15.050
Do you think that this movie, which is also a
2715
02:07:15.369 --> 02:07:19.090
murder mystery, but not a mystery, will finally answer the
2716
02:07:19.210 --> 02:07:22.109
age-old question, can men and women just be friends but
2717
02:07:22.149 --> 02:07:22.909
also have sex?
2718
02:07:23.569 --> 02:07:27.380
It doesn't work. It never worked. Here's why it doesn't work.
2719
02:07:27.880 --> 02:07:30.460
One or the other. And 99 percent of the time
2720
02:07:30.520 --> 02:07:33.060
it's the female. But one or the other is not
2721
02:07:33.119 --> 02:07:35.460
going won't go. You'll never get the two.
2722
02:07:36.060 --> 02:07:38.010
It's like if the two of them really didn't care
2723
02:07:38.050 --> 02:07:40.789
that much, they wouldn't have sex. I think that's that's
2724
02:07:40.850 --> 02:07:41.210
the thing.
2725
02:07:42.010 --> 02:07:42.189
Right.
2726
02:07:42.210 --> 02:07:46.130
Right. Right. It's basically like this. It's like taking two Israelis,
2727
02:07:47.189 --> 02:07:52.289
putting them together and selling an apartment. One of them
2728
02:07:52.329 --> 02:07:57.060
is going to be pissed. It's impossible for the two
2729
02:07:57.119 --> 02:07:59.970
Israelis to walk away and both go, I'm brimming with satisfaction.
2730
02:08:00.560 --> 02:08:04.260
right it's impossible it's it's mathematically impossible right it's it's
2731
02:08:04.319 --> 02:08:04.720
not in their.
2732
02:08:04.640 --> 02:08:06.899
Blood right right because basically i think what happens in
2733
02:08:06.939 --> 02:08:08.779
that situation is one of them says i don't want
2734
02:08:08.800 --> 02:08:11.060
anything i just want to be friends and have sex
2735
02:08:11.090 --> 02:08:13.649
another one says uh oh me too.
2736
02:08:14.029 --> 02:08:15.909
Here's the way here's the way here's the way it
2737
02:08:15.949 --> 02:08:21.140
works Guys just want sex. The women just want to
2738
02:08:21.159 --> 02:08:22.039
be with the guy.
2739
02:08:22.159 --> 02:08:22.359
Right.
2740
02:08:22.539 --> 02:08:25.579
And they realize if they tell the guy, sorry, I
2741
02:08:25.619 --> 02:08:27.300
need more than that, then they won't be able to
2742
02:08:27.340 --> 02:08:29.979
be intimate with him. So they think if I could
2743
02:08:30.000 --> 02:08:32.100
be intimate with him and I can be in his proximity,
2744
02:08:32.460 --> 02:08:35.470
he will come around. The movies are bullshit when it's just,
2745
02:08:35.529 --> 02:08:38.460
you know, Mila Kunis doesn't really want. bullshit. She would
2746
02:08:38.479 --> 02:08:40.840
immediately be into him. I'm sure they'll do some sort
2747
02:08:40.859 --> 02:08:43.159
of twist where he's into her. But believe me, there
2748
02:08:43.199 --> 02:08:46.060
will be that scene where one of them is going
2749
02:08:46.119 --> 02:08:48.220
on a date where she's going on a date and
2750
02:08:48.340 --> 02:08:50.579
he says, I don't care. And then he follows her.
2751
02:08:50.960 --> 02:08:51.260
Right.
2752
02:08:51.279 --> 02:08:51.560
All right.
2753
02:08:51.739 --> 02:08:54.729
Here we go. Where are we? What's happening?
2754
02:08:54.789 --> 02:09:01.250
Well, Riverside County politician Jeff Stone is suggesting that California
2755
02:09:01.329 --> 02:09:05.329
secede from, well, no, he's suggesting that Southern California secede
2756
02:09:05.350 --> 02:09:07.310
from the state of California and make a new state
2757
02:09:07.750 --> 02:09:11.270
called South California, because he's tired of this bullshit that
2758
02:09:11.329 --> 02:09:12.630
Sacramento is peddling.
2759
02:09:13.470 --> 02:09:16.909
All of California should secede. All we do is pay
2760
02:09:16.949 --> 02:09:19.020
in a ton of fucking tax dollars. We don't get
2761
02:09:19.069 --> 02:09:21.979
anything in return, and we're just big earners, and we
2762
02:09:22.020 --> 02:09:24.680
just fucking spread it around the rest of the country
2763
02:09:24.699 --> 02:09:25.859
so they can build their bridges.
2764
02:09:26.119 --> 02:09:33.069
Well, he feels that Riverside, Fresno, Imperial, Inyo, Kern, Kings, Madera, Mariposa, Mono, Orange,
2765
02:09:33.109 --> 02:09:37.250
San Bernardino, San Diego, and Tulare counties should separate And
2766
02:09:37.270 --> 02:09:39.800
the reason he is leaving Los Angeles out of it
2767
02:09:39.859 --> 02:09:42.939
is because he says Los Angeles is purposefully excluded because
2768
02:09:42.979 --> 02:09:44.600
they have the same liberal policies.
2769
02:09:45.020 --> 02:09:47.420
By the way, that's all Antonio Cromartie. Those are all
2770
02:09:47.460 --> 02:09:51.739
his kids. You want to go through Antonio Cromartie's kids'
2771
02:09:51.760 --> 02:09:52.340
names one more time?
2772
02:09:52.380 --> 02:09:52.640
Yeah.
2773
02:09:52.840 --> 02:09:58.739
Fresno, Imperial, Inyo, Kern, Kings, Madera, Mariposa, Mono, Orange, San Bernardino,
2774
02:09:58.800 --> 02:10:00.079
San Diego, and Tulaire.
2775
02:10:00.340 --> 02:10:04.350
Now, Mariposa... Is three. And Kern's... They're all four? I
2776
02:10:04.359 --> 02:10:06.449
think they're all three. Most of them are three. I
2777
02:10:06.470 --> 02:10:09.470
know Kern's is three, and Fresno's three.
2778
02:10:09.569 --> 02:10:11.350
Tulaire's the infant he had with his wife.
2779
02:10:11.569 --> 02:10:11.750
Yeah.
2780
02:10:12.789 --> 02:10:14.279
It's not fair to spring those questions on him.
2781
02:10:14.510 --> 02:10:15.510
Yeah.
2782
02:10:16.420 --> 02:10:17.880
Yeah, he needs that on the cards.
2783
02:10:18.439 --> 02:10:23.319
Now, Los Angeles has the same liberal policies that Sacramento does.
2784
02:10:23.380 --> 02:10:24.899
The last thing I want to do is create a
2785
02:10:24.899 --> 02:10:26.899
state that's a carbon copy of what we have now.
2786
02:10:27.319 --> 02:10:30.520
Los Angeles just enacted a ban on plastic grocery bags
2787
02:10:30.560 --> 02:10:33.460
that put three or four manufacturers out of business, he says.
2788
02:10:33.859 --> 02:10:37.079
And then spokesman Gil Duran says that this whole thing
2789
02:10:37.119 --> 02:10:39.739
is a supremely ridiculous waste of everyone's time. If you
2790
02:10:39.779 --> 02:10:42.229
want to live in a Republican state with very conservative
2791
02:10:42.270 --> 02:10:44.850
right-wing laws, then there's a place called Arizona.
2792
02:10:45.869 --> 02:10:47.289
Yeah, man.
2793
02:10:47.390 --> 02:10:49.590
And he got served.
2794
02:10:49.609 --> 02:10:49.670
Oh.
2795
02:10:50.210 --> 02:10:53.170
And you hear those stories coming out of Arizona every
2796
02:10:53.310 --> 02:10:56.329
day now, right? With people just being snatched up that
2797
02:10:56.390 --> 02:10:59.109
are out eating ice cream with their grandkids and being
2798
02:10:59.180 --> 02:11:00.020
thrown into Mexico.
2799
02:11:00.039 --> 02:11:01.300
Oh, by the thugs with jackboots.
2800
02:11:01.319 --> 02:11:01.420
Yeah.
2801
02:11:01.600 --> 02:11:02.520
Thugs with jackboots.
2802
02:11:02.779 --> 02:11:08.979
Jackboots. Jackboots, yeah. Yeah, you leave, you in Arizona, you
2803
02:11:09.039 --> 02:11:12.359
leave your apartment without your wallet just to go to
2804
02:11:12.380 --> 02:11:14.979
your car to get something out of it? You'd be
2805
02:11:15.060 --> 02:11:16.819
snatched up and thrown into Mexico.
2806
02:11:16.979 --> 02:11:18.970
You're insane to walk around alone.
2807
02:11:18.989 --> 02:11:20.090
Yeah, it's horrible.
2808
02:11:20.149 --> 02:11:23.350
That being said, do you really think there should be
2809
02:11:23.390 --> 02:11:24.689
a South California state?
2810
02:11:25.789 --> 02:11:29.579
Here's what I know. First off, asking people to show
2811
02:11:29.640 --> 02:11:33.560
their ID to vote does not make you a racist
2812
02:11:33.739 --> 02:11:38.079
or xenophobe or anything. You ask for someone's ID for
2813
02:11:38.359 --> 02:11:43.270
everything we do. There's rarely anything you do, especially voting.
2814
02:11:43.689 --> 02:11:46.710
So asking for ID— Plus who votes? I don't. But
2815
02:11:46.829 --> 02:11:50.109
asking for ID for voting, when did that become some
2816
02:11:50.149 --> 02:11:52.609
sort of racially provoked or driven policy?
2817
02:11:52.630 --> 02:11:54.170
Does anyone really have a problem with that, though?
2818
02:11:54.689 --> 02:11:55.489
Yes, definitely.
2819
02:11:55.640 --> 02:11:56.239
That's shocking.
2820
02:11:56.739 --> 02:11:59.479
Yes, there's a big problem with that. The other problem
2821
02:11:59.619 --> 02:12:02.279
is if a cop pulls you over, he's allowed to
2822
02:12:02.380 --> 02:12:05.899
ask you for your fucking ID. And there's something called
2823
02:12:05.960 --> 02:12:09.890
illegal immigration, which is there's people in this country illegally.
2824
02:12:10.069 --> 02:12:12.550
And if it seems like maybe you are and somebody
2825
02:12:12.789 --> 02:12:14.890
asked you for your ID and you can't produce it.
2826
02:12:16.310 --> 02:12:20.210
Then there's consequences to that. I'm OK with the concept
2827
02:12:20.289 --> 02:12:24.310
of people leaving their house with their I.D. Of course,
2828
02:12:24.390 --> 02:12:27.670
if you're walking your dog in your in your sweatpants,
2829
02:12:27.710 --> 02:12:30.069
you shouldn't be just snatched up with a guy, the
2830
02:12:30.170 --> 02:12:33.949
butterfly net and thrown south of the border. Yes, but
2831
02:12:33.989 --> 02:12:37.050
that doesn't happen. That's just all this fucking worst case
2832
02:12:37.069 --> 02:12:40.489
scenario bullshit. I was talking to one of my super
2833
02:12:40.569 --> 02:12:44.270
liberal Hollywood friends today about he he'd been a civilian.
2834
02:12:45.520 --> 02:12:49.220
He's a civilian. He was audited by the tax man
2835
02:12:49.319 --> 02:12:54.859
for like 2003 and 2007. And he'd gone back and
2836
02:12:54.920 --> 02:12:57.119
forth to New York a lot. And they claimed he'd
2837
02:12:57.199 --> 02:13:00.079
owed taxes from New York and all this kind of stuff.
2838
02:13:00.479 --> 02:13:04.390
And he wasn't audited in 2003. He was audited for 2003.
2839
02:13:04.390 --> 02:13:07.729
And he was audited for like 2007. And they had
2840
02:13:07.810 --> 02:13:10.010
records of him going back and forth to New York
2841
02:13:10.050 --> 02:13:13.270
all the time. And I said, how's that? Patriot Act
2842
02:13:13.329 --> 02:13:16.010
treating you, dick. You know what I mean? All we
2843
02:13:16.029 --> 02:13:18.289
do is bitch and moan about the man and big
2844
02:13:18.350 --> 02:13:20.670
brother and the government. What do I tell you? They
2845
02:13:20.729 --> 02:13:24.640
want your fucking money. You don't think the government knows
2846
02:13:24.699 --> 02:13:27.680
what you're doing? They knew how often this guy went
2847
02:13:27.739 --> 02:13:30.000
back and forth to New York. They knew how much
2848
02:13:30.180 --> 02:13:34.199
money he spent in New York from 2003. But we're
2849
02:13:34.239 --> 02:13:36.920
worried about them listening in on our cell phone calls
2850
02:13:37.010 --> 02:13:41.149
or intercepting one of our texts because we're so fucking special.
2851
02:13:41.189 --> 02:13:45.729
It's just narcissism. Look, the government wants money. They want
2852
02:13:45.949 --> 02:13:51.689
tax money. They're not interested in taking hardworking legal citizens
2853
02:13:52.090 --> 02:13:55.810
that are brown skinned and grabbing them and throwing them
2854
02:13:55.909 --> 02:13:59.109
into Mexico. They don't. Every time someone brings up something
2855
02:13:59.149 --> 02:14:01.350
like this, whether it was the Patriot Act 10 years
2856
02:14:01.369 --> 02:14:04.029
ago or whether it's this, everyone makes a big fucking
2857
02:14:04.149 --> 02:14:07.989
doomsday proclamation. Oh, my God. Now people won't be able
2858
02:14:08.029 --> 02:14:10.420
to leave their house and they'll be rounding up. Where
2859
02:14:10.439 --> 02:14:13.529
are all the stories at Arizona? Give me all your
2860
02:14:13.569 --> 02:14:17.449
Patriot Act stories. Who's had their computer confiscated? Go ahead.
2861
02:14:17.510 --> 02:14:19.109
I'm all fucking ears. Give them to me.
2862
02:14:19.109 --> 02:14:21.680
You know who is interested in your voicemails, though?
2863
02:14:22.060 --> 02:14:22.220
Who?
2864
02:14:22.609 --> 02:14:23.420
Rupert Murdoch.
2865
02:14:23.800 --> 02:14:24.699
Hmm? Mm-hmm.
2866
02:14:24.760 --> 02:14:26.420
Rupert Murdoch, News Corp.
2867
02:14:26.939 --> 02:14:29.840
So News of the World was like the huge tabloid
2868
02:14:29.899 --> 02:14:32.520
in England, had been around for 156 years, and just
2869
02:14:32.560 --> 02:14:35.800
got shut down because it turned out that reporters for
2870
02:14:35.859 --> 02:14:38.479
news— and it's owned by Rupert Murdoch, one of his companies—
2871
02:14:39.890 --> 02:14:43.949
Turns out that reporters were breaking into people's voicemails and
2872
02:14:43.989 --> 02:14:47.090
hacking into their private files, which is, like, more illegal
2873
02:14:47.130 --> 02:14:50.470
in England than it is here, and using that to
2874
02:14:50.510 --> 02:14:54.930
bolster their stories. And there was a schoolgirl who was killed,
2875
02:14:55.090 --> 02:14:58.329
and they hacked into her phones and sort of got
2876
02:14:58.350 --> 02:14:59.949
in the way of a police investigation.
2877
02:15:00.369 --> 02:15:01.350
So that shut down.
2878
02:15:01.430 --> 02:15:03.770
And now it's turning out that it's not just News
2879
02:15:03.789 --> 02:15:07.989
of the World who was hacking into various things for
2880
02:15:08.020 --> 02:15:11.590
their stories. to investigate, it was also some other newspapers.
2881
02:15:11.630 --> 02:15:14.090
So people are wondering, is Rupert Murdoch going to be
2882
02:15:14.130 --> 02:15:17.170
able to recover from this? Because who knows how far
2883
02:15:17.789 --> 02:15:18.329
this goes?
2884
02:15:18.369 --> 02:15:22.489
This is what I've been screaming about. The government listening
2885
02:15:22.689 --> 02:15:27.449
in on your conversations, your emails, your whatever, intercepting your whatever,
2886
02:15:28.270 --> 02:15:33.810
to attempt to avoid another 9-11-esque terrorist attack is fine.
2887
02:15:34.050 --> 02:15:38.630
That's the government trying to do something. TMZ going through
2888
02:15:38.649 --> 02:15:42.199
your garbage or following people around or filming them or
2889
02:15:42.260 --> 02:15:45.600
filming their kids or filming their house. How about all
2890
02:15:45.640 --> 02:15:48.840
those tours that just tell you where celebrities live? And
2891
02:15:48.880 --> 02:15:51.159
then there's all these bus vans that just come by
2892
02:15:51.220 --> 02:15:54.399
the house. Hey, that's where that... There's where Madonna lives.
2893
02:15:54.439 --> 02:15:55.760
So if any of you want to get drunk and
2894
02:15:55.800 --> 02:15:58.100
hop the fence later on with a fucking butcher knife,
2895
02:15:58.140 --> 02:16:01.819
have at it. That's more invasive. This whole part where
2896
02:16:01.939 --> 02:16:04.229
everyone films, where you can't go on.
2897
02:16:06.189 --> 02:16:09.550
A stage at a comedy club and do a set
2898
02:16:09.949 --> 02:16:12.590
without somebody filming it with their cell phone and then
2899
02:16:12.649 --> 02:16:14.970
throwing it up on YouTube and through landing it on
2900
02:16:15.029 --> 02:16:18.880
TMZ and landing it on Perez Hilton. That's the part
2901
02:16:18.909 --> 02:16:21.020
we need to worry about. The part where the government
2902
02:16:21.060 --> 02:16:23.100
is trying to stop a terrorist attack.
2903
02:16:23.359 --> 02:16:23.680
Really?
2904
02:16:23.699 --> 02:16:24.340
Yeah.
2905
02:16:24.779 --> 02:16:26.560
Is that the part that we'd like them to knock off?
2906
02:16:26.960 --> 02:16:29.840
The government has, they do three fucking things that I like.
2907
02:16:29.920 --> 02:16:31.899
And one of them is try to stop terrorists. How
2908
02:16:31.920 --> 02:16:33.719
about we leave them the fuck alone? What are you
2909
02:16:33.760 --> 02:16:38.059
going to do? All right. Should we take some relationship calls?
2910
02:16:38.079 --> 02:16:40.180
Should we bring our guests in and jump in with that?
2911
02:16:40.319 --> 02:16:40.600
Yeah.
2912
02:16:40.780 --> 02:16:42.479
Was that our plan? Well, yes.
2913
02:16:42.899 --> 02:16:45.440
That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.
2914
02:16:46.200 --> 02:16:48.979
That was the news with Alison Rosen.
2915
02:16:49.719 --> 02:16:53.069
Diane Hansen is coming in. She's a writer. I think
2916
02:16:53.079 --> 02:16:55.969
she's an editor, too. She works for Tash. And they're
2917
02:16:55.989 --> 02:16:59.290
interesting characters. I hope I pronounced that right, book company
2918
02:16:59.709 --> 02:17:04.610
that does all this, those big, glorious, fat, big, I
2919
02:17:04.649 --> 02:17:08.139
don't know how they make money. Each book is 500
2920
02:17:08.139 --> 02:17:10.700
bucks and weighs a ton. They got the big book
2921
02:17:10.739 --> 02:17:13.299
of breasts. She did that 3D. Got to check that out.
2922
02:17:13.340 --> 02:17:16.120
They have a big penis book. Yeah, they do.
2923
02:17:16.780 --> 02:17:17.639
I want that.
2924
02:17:17.659 --> 02:17:18.000
Yeah.
2925
02:17:19.149 --> 02:17:19.489
Yeah.
2926
02:17:19.569 --> 02:17:20.489
Can I borrow your copy?
2927
02:17:20.670 --> 02:17:23.290
She's also worked as a respiratory therapist. So if anyone
2928
02:17:23.309 --> 02:17:25.610
goes into cardiac arrest, we got that going for us.
2929
02:17:25.959 --> 02:17:29.440
But edit over 50 different top selling books. I got
2930
02:17:29.469 --> 02:17:30.920
to talk to her. So she's going to come in.
2931
02:17:30.940 --> 02:17:32.829
We'll look at some big boobies and we'll jump in
2932
02:17:32.950 --> 02:17:37.409
on answer your relationship calls. I believe you have one
2933
02:17:37.430 --> 02:17:38.989
to start with. Yes, I have.
2934
02:17:39.110 --> 02:17:40.909
I have a relationship issue.
2935
02:17:41.129 --> 02:17:43.069
All right. Quick break. Back right after that.
2936
02:17:43.409 --> 02:17:43.709
Yeah.
2937
02:17:43.750 --> 02:17:46.649
Before we get into our guests and your relationship calls
2938
02:17:46.729 --> 02:17:49.969
and Allison's special relationship calls, let me give a little.
2939
02:17:50.090 --> 02:17:50.350
Love.
2940
02:17:50.729 --> 02:17:55.879
All right, where were we? Tashin. Is it Tashin? Yeah, Tashin. Tashin.
2941
02:17:56.090 --> 02:17:56.639
What does that mean?
2942
02:17:56.670 --> 02:17:58.829
I think if you're from Brooklyn, it's Tashin.
2943
02:17:58.850 --> 02:17:59.799
Is that a guy's name?
2944
02:18:00.299 --> 02:18:01.879
Benedict Tashin. That's right.
2945
02:18:02.120 --> 02:18:02.799
Our boss.
2946
02:18:03.399 --> 02:18:04.479
Our beloved boss.
2947
02:18:04.819 --> 02:18:09.379
My publicists love these guys, and they print out all
2948
02:18:09.420 --> 02:18:13.219
these justs. books that weigh 25 pounds and they're absolutely
2949
02:18:13.280 --> 02:18:15.840
amazing but I'm trying to figure out what the business
2950
02:18:16.079 --> 02:18:19.350
model is for something like the big book of penises
2951
02:18:19.370 --> 02:18:22.649
like how many I guess you sold enough regular ones
2952
02:18:23.309 --> 02:18:24.190
to merit.
2953
02:18:23.889 --> 02:18:27.309
A 3d The Big Penis book has been my biggest
2954
02:18:27.469 --> 02:18:30.340
selling book ever for Tashin. I hate to say it,
2955
02:18:30.350 --> 02:18:31.770
the world's obsessed with penis.
2956
02:18:31.870 --> 02:18:33.930
Well, the gays. How many, not the world.
2957
02:18:33.950 --> 02:18:36.389
Women, even straight guys. You walk into a store where
2958
02:18:36.409 --> 02:18:39.370
there's a big penis book, the straight guy, his wife
2959
02:18:39.409 --> 02:18:41.430
looks at it, she kind of giggles and walks away.
2960
02:18:41.590 --> 02:18:44.930
He's there turning every page in agony.
2961
02:18:45.129 --> 02:18:45.850
Is it pop-up?
2962
02:18:46.129 --> 02:18:46.870
Absolutely.
2963
02:18:46.889 --> 02:18:48.950
We talked about pop-up.
2964
02:18:50.170 --> 02:18:51.969
There it is. The gay guys are pulling out the
2965
02:18:52.010 --> 02:18:55.409
credit cards. The straight guy's not buying it. He's thumbing
2966
02:18:55.430 --> 02:18:57.229
through it, but he's not making the purchase. Now, how
2967
02:18:57.270 --> 02:18:58.909
many units would you sell?
2968
02:18:59.590 --> 02:19:01.950
There's about 400 units in the book. Oh, no, you
2969
02:19:01.979 --> 02:19:03.030
want to know how many we sell?
2970
02:19:03.059 --> 02:19:05.219
I like that, yeah.
2971
02:19:05.540 --> 02:19:10.659
I'm not supposed to tell those things, but it's between
2972
02:19:11.020 --> 02:19:13.899
five and six figures.
2973
02:19:15.200 --> 02:19:19.889
Between five and six figures? So you mean... It's a
2974
02:19:19.930 --> 02:19:21.670
lot of books. That's a lot of books.
2975
02:19:21.770 --> 02:19:23.889
It's a lot of books. It's a lot of books.
2976
02:19:24.209 --> 02:19:27.709
That penis is keeping me in business.
2977
02:19:27.829 --> 02:19:29.520
So is that between 1,000 and 100,000? Or 10,000 and 100,000?
2978
02:19:29.520 --> 02:19:29.659
Yeah.
2979
02:19:29.680 --> 02:19:31.360
That's like between 50 and 100,000. Yeah, that's good for
2980
02:19:31.799 --> 02:19:44.260
a book that has got to be... 65 bucks or something?
2981
02:19:44.260 --> 02:19:44.600
60 bucks.
2982
02:19:45.020 --> 02:19:45.180
Oh.
2983
02:19:45.180 --> 02:19:47.500
60 bucks is a bargain. Look how many penises you
2984
02:19:47.520 --> 02:19:49.520
get in there. You get more penises than the average
2985
02:19:49.579 --> 02:19:50.260
guy is going to.
2986
02:19:50.200 --> 02:19:52.500
See in his life. It's like 89 cents a cock.
2987
02:19:52.670 --> 02:19:54.889
And if you're going by the inch, it's like pennies
2988
02:19:54.930 --> 02:19:55.290
an inch.
2989
02:19:56.069 --> 02:19:56.290
Yeah.
2990
02:19:56.569 --> 02:20:00.010
And a big book of boobs. And also the, I
2991
02:20:00.250 --> 02:20:01.329
don't know what this one is.
2992
02:20:01.770 --> 02:20:02.379
I brought this.
2993
02:20:02.430 --> 02:20:03.020
A little death.
2994
02:20:03.860 --> 02:20:04.079
Mm-hmm.
2995
02:20:04.469 --> 02:20:07.319
Our publicity guy makes me push these things. This one,
2996
02:20:07.479 --> 02:20:11.540
that one, La Petite Mort is all women masturbating to orgasm.
2997
02:20:11.739 --> 02:20:15.079
Not the one in your hands, the other one. That
2998
02:20:15.139 --> 02:20:18.319
is also doing very, very well for us. It's turned
2999
02:20:18.360 --> 02:20:22.079
out to be real popular with women who like women.
3000
02:20:22.760 --> 02:20:26.350
It's a hard group to reach. Would you go out and...
3001
02:20:27.110 --> 02:20:29.530
photograph any of this or you're all just about the
3002
02:20:29.569 --> 02:20:30.510
construction of it?
3003
02:20:30.809 --> 02:20:34.350
The only thing that I'm involved in photographing are the covers.
3004
02:20:34.489 --> 02:20:37.549
We do those covers actually in our office. This guy
3005
02:20:37.610 --> 02:20:39.309
for the penis, but I'm sorry to bring so much
3006
02:20:39.389 --> 02:20:41.649
penis under your show because you're like a manly show.
3007
02:20:41.670 --> 02:20:42.649
I like cock talk.
3008
02:20:42.790 --> 02:20:48.450
But the penis guy, 11 inch dick, he comes into
3009
02:20:48.530 --> 02:20:51.850
our office and we're working four hours for this guy
3010
02:20:51.889 --> 02:20:54.770
to get it up. He's chafing it. The guy's getting
3011
02:20:54.799 --> 02:20:58.309
blisters on there. He can't. He's a little skinny guy.
3012
02:20:58.370 --> 02:21:00.430
He hasn't got enough blood in his body to get
3013
02:21:00.469 --> 02:21:02.870
that thing hard long enough for us to do the cover.
3014
02:21:02.989 --> 02:21:04.729
Oh, you think he was nervous? It was agony.
3015
02:21:04.930 --> 02:21:06.610
We had to leave him alone with the photographer.
3016
02:21:06.790 --> 02:21:09.110
How did you find this guy? We put an ad
3017
02:21:09.129 --> 02:21:10.989
in the penny saver? How does that work?
3018
02:21:11.270 --> 02:21:14.450
You know, the internet is a wonderful thing, as you know.
3019
02:21:14.479 --> 02:21:16.319
So does he get hard and then, like, fall over
3020
02:21:16.340 --> 02:21:17.799
because he's so little? He kind of.
3021
02:21:18.139 --> 02:21:20.219
Lightheaded. Yeah.
3022
02:21:20.360 --> 02:21:23.440
We had to have him almost lying down to function. Yeah,
3023
02:21:23.459 --> 02:21:24.000
the poor guy.
3024
02:21:24.760 --> 02:21:30.129
So Tashin does all these... But they're all... They're all
3025
02:21:30.350 --> 02:21:35.500
big coffee table size, fun, interesting sort of, there's no
3026
02:21:35.559 --> 02:21:38.879
novels or autobiographies or anything. No, no, no, no. Any, any, any.
3027
02:21:39.040 --> 02:21:42.040
No, we're for the modern age. We're, we're for the
3028
02:21:42.200 --> 02:21:43.750
newly illiterate age.
3029
02:21:44.079 --> 02:21:44.520
Yeah.
3030
02:21:44.549 --> 02:21:46.729
You know, we keep that writing to a minimum. We
3031
02:21:46.770 --> 02:21:50.229
got it in three languages in there. So if, you know,
3032
02:21:50.270 --> 02:21:52.350
you speak German, you speak French, you can all buy
3033
02:21:52.389 --> 02:21:53.969
the same book. We don't have to print a lot
3034
02:21:54.010 --> 02:21:54.709
of different volumes.
3035
02:21:54.729 --> 02:21:58.190
There's a universal language called huge honker that I think
3036
02:21:58.239 --> 02:21:59.000
we all speak.
3037
02:21:59.389 --> 02:22:00.360
We all speak that.
3038
02:22:00.389 --> 02:22:00.790
And boobies as well.
3039
02:22:00.829 --> 02:22:04.389
And we certainly speak, yeah, big breasts. Everyone loves big breasts.
3040
02:22:04.530 --> 02:22:06.090
And what else do you have? You have the boobs.
3041
02:22:06.110 --> 02:22:06.909
You got the penis.
3042
02:22:07.469 --> 02:22:10.010
I did the big butt book. I did the big
3043
02:22:10.069 --> 02:22:13.969
book of legs. That didn't sell quite as well. I
3044
02:22:14.010 --> 02:22:17.729
got a new one coming out very soon. It's in
3045
02:22:17.790 --> 02:22:19.530
production now, the final one.
3046
02:22:19.549 --> 02:22:20.750
The big book of taints.
3047
02:22:22.209 --> 02:22:24.770
Very close to the taint. It taint the taint.
3048
02:22:24.819 --> 02:22:25.479
The sack?
3049
02:22:26.139 --> 02:22:27.819
It's, no.
3050
02:22:28.000 --> 02:22:28.420
The anus.
3051
02:22:29.719 --> 02:22:32.079
Gosh, you guys are all so close, but you're not
3052
02:22:32.100 --> 02:22:34.000
getting the right stinky place.
3053
02:22:34.319 --> 02:22:35.100
Oh, the armpit.
3054
02:22:35.319 --> 02:22:35.899
The pussy.
3055
02:22:36.260 --> 02:22:36.639
Really?
3056
02:22:36.659 --> 02:22:39.139
Yeah, and it's actually called pussy because everyone's, why don't
3057
02:22:39.180 --> 02:22:42.840
you call it vagina? Because the vagina is inside. You know,
3058
02:22:42.940 --> 02:22:47.250
I do try to be physiologically correct. It should actually
3059
02:22:47.309 --> 02:22:49.850
be the big book of vulva. But who knows what
3060
02:22:49.889 --> 02:22:50.549
a vulva is?
3061
02:22:50.569 --> 02:22:51.530
Sounds like a manual.
3062
02:22:51.549 --> 02:22:54.010
Yeah, you get a vulva in Sweden, you drive it around.
3063
02:22:54.030 --> 02:22:57.350
Yeah, where do you keep the scissor check? Yeah, you're
3064
02:22:57.370 --> 02:23:00.049
doing the Lord's work. I must say. Would you like
3065
02:23:00.069 --> 02:23:02.309
to jump in on some relationship calls with us?
3066
02:23:02.610 --> 02:23:04.709
Oh, absolutely. I've got opinions on everything.
3067
02:23:04.729 --> 02:23:05.170
Oh, you do?
3068
02:23:05.329 --> 02:23:05.809
Okay, good.
3069
02:23:06.149 --> 02:23:07.530
I think first Allison.
3070
02:23:07.670 --> 02:23:10.590
Yeah, I have an issue, which I'm already questioning whether
3071
02:23:10.629 --> 02:23:12.729
I should even bring it up, but I'm going to anyway,
3072
02:23:13.270 --> 02:23:16.680
even though it's embarrassing. And if anyone is attracted to me,
3073
02:23:16.719 --> 02:23:19.329
they will no longer be, including the guy that I.
3074
02:23:19.879 --> 02:23:20.940
So I'm dating someone.
3075
02:23:21.120 --> 02:23:21.500
You are?
3076
02:23:21.559 --> 02:23:22.459
It finally happened.
3077
02:23:22.719 --> 02:23:23.819
All right. Okay, so.
3078
02:23:26.280 --> 02:23:29.120
The most mortifying thing which could happen in the early
3079
02:23:29.139 --> 02:23:32.379
stages of a relationship happened, which is that.
3080
02:23:32.420 --> 02:23:34.540
Queef? No. Please.
3081
02:23:35.200 --> 02:23:36.860
Please. Toilet clogging.
3082
02:23:36.879 --> 02:23:38.379
What?
3083
02:23:38.479 --> 02:23:39.139
Are you kidding?
3084
02:23:39.200 --> 02:23:40.360
Just like that video.
3085
02:23:40.379 --> 02:23:43.569
That was so awful. No, you were at his place? Yes.
3086
02:23:43.969 --> 02:23:46.729
And you dropped the dude? So we're talking tampon here.
3087
02:23:46.809 --> 02:23:47.690
Or perhaps both.
3088
02:23:48.629 --> 02:23:50.729
Let's just say a tampon was involved.
3089
02:23:51.209 --> 02:23:52.170
Really? Yeah.
3090
02:23:52.590 --> 02:23:53.110
But, okay, okay.
3091
02:23:53.250 --> 02:23:54.409
Here's the saving grace.
3092
02:23:54.430 --> 02:23:54.870
Mm-hmm.
3093
02:23:55.879 --> 02:23:59.250
The only thing visible was toilet paper and clean water.
3094
02:23:59.610 --> 02:24:00.209
Clean water.
3095
02:24:00.409 --> 02:24:01.450
Yeah.
3096
02:24:01.870 --> 02:24:02.909
You're at his place. Yeah.
3097
02:24:03.049 --> 02:24:06.639
It looked like... And plus he had just bought ultra
3098
02:24:06.680 --> 02:24:09.559
toilet paper. So I'm saying I'm blaming it on the
3099
02:24:09.600 --> 02:24:11.600
fact that it's like those are like rags you're trying
3100
02:24:11.620 --> 02:24:13.440
to stuff down. And I'm not saying whether there was
3101
02:24:13.479 --> 02:24:16.299
anything else stuffing down there. It turned out to be okay. However,
3102
02:24:16.399 --> 02:24:19.340
here's my thing. At what point is it acceptable to
3103
02:24:19.399 --> 02:24:22.379
have bodily functions? And also he claims his feelings about
3104
02:24:22.399 --> 02:24:24.180
me have not changed. But I just want to know
3105
02:24:24.579 --> 02:24:25.739
how would I know if they have?
3106
02:24:25.899 --> 02:24:26.940
I just threw up in my mouth.
3107
02:24:26.959 --> 02:24:29.540
Would it be sudden or just gradually is he going
3108
02:24:29.559 --> 02:24:30.120
to drop me?
3109
02:24:30.520 --> 02:24:33.620
Can I ask you guys? I have a feminine hygiene commercial.
3110
02:24:34.520 --> 02:24:39.440
commercial question or just question. What is the maxi pad
3111
02:24:39.540 --> 02:24:43.129
protocol when it's time to dispatch? Don't use them.
3112
02:24:43.290 --> 02:24:45.889
I was just going to say, don't date women who
3113
02:24:45.950 --> 02:24:50.040
wear maxi pads. Maxi pads are great.
3114
02:24:50.100 --> 02:24:52.840
Is that the equivalent to the fanny pack for a dude?
3115
02:24:53.750 --> 02:24:56.350
The maxi pad is like for incontinence.
3116
02:24:56.750 --> 02:24:57.309
Yeah, really.
3117
02:24:57.469 --> 02:24:58.489
Oh, it's not good.
3118
02:24:59.250 --> 02:25:02.450
No woman is going to have something that size.
3119
02:25:02.219 --> 02:25:05.079
Between her legs. Even for light days, even for spawning.
3120
02:25:05.879 --> 02:25:06.909
That's not a maxi pad.
3121
02:25:06.940 --> 02:25:09.010
Well, that's just a pad. That's a panty liner. Panty liner?
3122
02:25:09.030 --> 02:25:10.110
Yeah, the panty liner is a.
3123
02:25:10.069 --> 02:25:11.870
Whole different story. Okay, so don't even start with the
3124
02:25:11.889 --> 02:25:12.219
maxi pad.
3125
02:25:12.229 --> 02:25:13.969
Don't even start with the maxi pad.
3126
02:25:14.010 --> 02:25:14.350
All right.
3127
02:25:14.629 --> 02:25:16.159
Or the sanitary napkin with the belt.
3128
02:25:16.319 --> 02:25:17.899
And by the way, I still got to see my
3129
02:25:17.959 --> 02:25:20.559
favorite commercial where Joan Jett and the other rebels go
3130
02:25:20.579 --> 02:25:23.180
attack the wall with their maxi pads and spray cans.
3131
02:25:23.219 --> 02:25:23.750
Their rebels.
3132
02:25:24.590 --> 02:25:25.290
With their period.
3133
02:25:25.409 --> 02:25:28.500
I love that. Okay, so toilet overflows.
3134
02:25:29.379 --> 02:25:31.520
I mean, it just filled up in the bowl.
3135
02:25:31.659 --> 02:25:33.000
Doesn't make it to the floor.
3136
02:25:33.020 --> 02:25:33.360
Doesn't spill.
3137
02:25:33.379 --> 02:25:34.280
Thank God it did not.
3138
02:25:34.340 --> 02:25:36.200
No, and then he went out to buy a plunger.
3139
02:25:36.520 --> 02:25:38.389
Go out and buy a plunger. Oh, you actually didn't
3140
02:25:38.409 --> 02:25:41.610
know about it? Wait, wait a minute. I had to.
3141
02:25:41.629 --> 02:25:44.850
I would have been down there pulling it out, throwing
3142
02:25:44.889 --> 02:25:47.559
it out the window. You know, you don't let him know.
3143
02:25:47.979 --> 02:25:50.739
Wow, I like that. Yeah. I considered that.
3144
02:25:50.959 --> 02:25:53.379
I actually, I'll tell you what, I had my own
3145
02:25:53.479 --> 02:25:54.309
story like this one.
3146
02:25:54.319 --> 02:25:55.329
Please, let's hear it.
3147
02:25:55.719 --> 02:25:59.079
I was at a boyfriend's parents' house, right?
3148
02:25:59.120 --> 02:25:59.459
Oh, that's worse.
3149
02:26:01.170 --> 02:26:03.909
They had a low-flow toilet. This was in a retirement
3150
02:26:03.989 --> 02:26:09.129
community in New Jersey. I couldn't get that floater going down.
3151
02:26:09.290 --> 02:26:11.450
It was not going to go down. I flushed like
3152
02:26:11.510 --> 02:26:13.170
four times.
3153
02:26:13.530 --> 02:26:15.180
Like whack-a-mole.
3154
02:26:15.540 --> 02:26:20.600
I just got some toilet paper, grabbed that thing, opened
3155
02:26:20.639 --> 02:26:24.100
the window, threw it out. They were on the first floor. Unfortunately,
3156
02:26:24.139 --> 02:26:26.059
it was lying there on their side lawn.
3157
02:26:26.500 --> 02:26:31.229
Wow. Oh, my God. You went like a bear going
3158
02:26:31.270 --> 02:26:33.790
after a salmon. Just put that big paw in there,
3159
02:26:33.809 --> 02:26:36.530
grabbed it, swatted it right out the window.
3160
02:26:36.709 --> 02:26:39.170
There was no way I could walk out and leave.
3161
02:26:39.030 --> 02:26:41.840
That floater in there. I like the cut of your jib. See,
3162
02:26:42.020 --> 02:26:44.799
when I heard that story, that would be marriage material. Oh,
3163
02:26:44.819 --> 02:26:48.860
by the way, let's enjoy the Kotex YouTube sensation about
3164
02:26:49.000 --> 02:26:52.840
all the... Rebel chicks. And I always love the television
3165
02:26:52.920 --> 02:26:56.600
version of the rebel chicks. Like a little too much mascara.
3166
02:26:56.899 --> 02:27:00.719
But not really tattoo-covered whores who would cut you. Look
3167
02:27:00.739 --> 02:27:06.280
at her. Yeah, that's your mom's maxi pad. I mean, tampon.
3168
02:27:06.940 --> 02:27:08.360
She's going to do something about that.
3169
02:27:09.309 --> 02:27:13.139
On TV, when fake rebel girls have rebellious thoughts, they
3170
02:27:13.180 --> 02:27:14.489
bite their lip while thinking about it.
3171
02:27:14.500 --> 02:27:16.979
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I like all the girls running
3172
02:27:17.100 --> 02:27:19.479
at her. They're just hiding in the shrub with A-frame
3173
02:27:19.549 --> 02:27:23.350
ladders and a lot of primer. There you go.
3174
02:27:23.469 --> 02:27:27.620
With a new look of you by Kotex. Great protection
3175
02:27:27.739 --> 02:27:29.280
has never looked better. Wait a minute, and they all
3176
02:27:29.319 --> 02:27:33.290
have a united attitude towards feminine protection.
3177
02:27:33.750 --> 02:27:38.569
The catchphrase that great protection has never looked better is
3178
02:27:38.930 --> 02:27:42.379
really fucking... bizarre to me. Isn't that something you just
3179
02:27:42.440 --> 02:27:44.739
keep buried deep in your purse? And it's not.
3180
02:27:45.420 --> 02:27:46.940
Yeah, it's not a symbol.
3181
02:27:46.959 --> 02:27:49.229
You wouldn't use it as a coaster on a date,
3182
02:27:49.329 --> 02:27:51.790
would you? Like, what the fuck? All right.
3183
02:27:51.829 --> 02:27:52.030
Anyway.
3184
02:27:52.600 --> 02:27:55.329
So where were we? Oh, so the toilet overflows, or
3185
02:27:55.389 --> 02:27:56.770
it's close to overflowing.
3186
02:27:57.129 --> 02:27:58.850
Well, it backs up, and then I, you know, I
3187
02:27:58.989 --> 02:28:02.209
like flush, and it kind of like, it's obviously not,
3188
02:28:03.409 --> 02:28:08.959
things are not flushing and plumbing as, it's not plumbing
3189
02:28:09.020 --> 02:28:09.600
as usual.
3190
02:28:09.620 --> 02:28:11.920
They call it pulling the cork, you know what I mean?
3191
02:28:11.940 --> 02:28:12.959
I don't know what you mean.
3192
02:28:12.979 --> 02:28:13.360
I don't do toilets.
3193
02:28:13.379 --> 02:28:16.569
I'm just saying corks don't, you know, they bob. So
3194
02:28:16.590 --> 02:28:21.170
you drop the deuce. And you dropped the tampon. That's
3195
02:28:21.209 --> 02:28:22.409
two separate flushes.
3196
02:28:22.629 --> 02:28:24.170
And he has to go buy the plunger.
3197
02:28:24.469 --> 02:28:25.409
He didn't have a plunger.
3198
02:28:25.670 --> 02:28:27.889
What kind of dude is this who doesn't have a plunger?
3199
02:28:28.770 --> 02:28:29.610
Is it an apartment?
3200
02:28:29.850 --> 02:28:30.170
Yeah.
3201
02:28:30.709 --> 02:28:31.569
He's gay.
3202
02:28:31.610 --> 02:28:33.409
Another winner. How old is he?
3203
02:28:35.049 --> 02:28:35.670
He's about to be 38.
3204
02:28:35.670 --> 02:28:38.829
In an apartment, huh? Looking good.
3205
02:28:40.530 --> 02:28:41.389
Is that so bad?
3206
02:28:41.409 --> 02:28:44.170
It's not so bad. One car parking.
3207
02:28:43.729 --> 02:28:46.059
Or two spaces? Does he have a space for you?
3208
02:28:46.420 --> 02:28:49.709
In his parking spot, is there shag carpet duct tape
3209
02:28:49.729 --> 02:28:50.350
around the pole?
3210
02:28:50.370 --> 02:28:50.430
No.
3211
02:28:51.729 --> 02:28:53.649
That's not a good sign. All right.
3212
02:28:54.129 --> 02:28:56.899
I've never thought to judge someone on the apartment. I'm
3213
02:28:56.920 --> 02:28:58.420
just happy that he doesn't have roommates.
3214
02:28:58.500 --> 02:28:59.579
You're a decent woman.
3215
02:28:59.620 --> 02:29:02.309
Oh, no roommates? You must come from back east. Rent control?
3216
02:29:03.590 --> 02:29:04.639
Do they have that out here?
3217
02:29:04.659 --> 02:29:06.180
They will in Santa Monica.
3218
02:29:06.500 --> 02:29:07.639
I don't think so.
3219
02:29:07.739 --> 02:29:08.819
Allison lives at home with her parents.
3220
02:29:08.840 --> 02:29:09.260
Oh.
3221
02:29:09.280 --> 02:29:10.219
So you've got to scale.
3222
02:29:10.020 --> 02:29:10.500
Back a little.
3223
02:29:10.520 --> 02:29:10.659
Sorry.
3224
02:29:10.680 --> 02:29:13.239
Yeah, but there's many. This is a quantum leap forward
3225
02:29:13.280 --> 02:29:16.659
for you. All right. I like this guy, but he
3226
02:29:16.700 --> 02:29:18.180
should have had a plunger. Wait.
3227
02:29:18.520 --> 02:29:19.180
Well, now he does.
3228
02:29:19.500 --> 02:29:19.659
Wait.
3229
02:29:19.700 --> 02:29:22.379
Can I just. Maybe he never dated someone who offloaded
3230
02:29:22.420 --> 02:29:24.079
like you in the past. You know what I mean?
3231
02:29:25.340 --> 02:29:27.719
In defense of the fact that I do live at
3232
02:29:27.840 --> 02:29:28.899
home with my parents.
3233
02:29:29.520 --> 02:29:30.860
That was not my plan.
3234
02:29:30.879 --> 02:29:34.280
I moved out here from New York. It never is.
3235
02:29:34.309 --> 02:29:36.010
I moved out here from New York. Ask anyone on
3236
02:29:36.049 --> 02:29:38.510
death row. Is this part of your plan? Nope. I
3237
02:29:38.530 --> 02:29:39.950
was going to be an NFL player.
3238
02:29:40.190 --> 02:29:41.629
Death row, skid row, any row.
3239
02:29:41.670 --> 02:29:42.149
Any row.
3240
02:29:42.170 --> 02:29:43.090
Is that murderer's row?
3241
02:29:43.129 --> 02:29:45.250
I'm looking for an apartment, and I found one. The
3242
02:29:45.290 --> 02:29:47.569
only problem is a sex offender lives upstairs, according to
3243
02:29:47.590 --> 02:29:48.149
the registry.
3244
02:29:48.409 --> 02:29:49.090
That's a problem, too.
3245
02:29:49.319 --> 02:29:51.360
But allow me to say, it's not as if I
3246
02:29:51.420 --> 02:29:52.700
never grew up and moved out.
3247
02:29:52.780 --> 02:29:56.020
Unfortunately, I just grew up and then moved back in temporarily.
3248
02:29:56.040 --> 02:29:59.250
I understand. Temporarily. And you can't find an apartment with
3249
02:29:59.270 --> 02:30:03.370
a toilet big enough to hold you? To hold their love, Adam.
3250
02:30:03.389 --> 02:30:04.170
To hold their love.
3251
02:30:04.190 --> 02:30:08.079
All right, let's take some relationship calls. I'm just going
3252
02:30:08.100 --> 02:30:11.280
to hop to the top. Talk to... I don't know
3253
02:30:11.379 --> 02:30:13.360
why I always have to... Why does that never work?
3254
02:30:14.319 --> 02:30:15.860
Is that a phone fire? Is that a phone line
3255
02:30:15.879 --> 02:30:17.360
hooked up? Ah, Jesus.
3256
02:30:17.459 --> 02:30:18.659
Press the bottom one. See what happens.
3257
02:30:19.000 --> 02:30:19.239
All right.
3258
02:30:20.479 --> 02:30:22.909
This has only had one girlfriend.
3259
02:30:23.190 --> 02:30:26.469
I've done the first one a bunch of times. All right,
3260
02:30:26.489 --> 02:30:27.069
now it's ready to go.
3261
02:30:27.729 --> 02:30:30.049
The second one is probably your boyfriend on here. He's
3262
02:30:30.110 --> 02:30:30.889
worried about.
3263
02:30:30.709 --> 02:30:33.200
Moving in with you. Ian?
3264
02:30:34.040 --> 02:30:34.540
Yeah, that's me.
3265
02:30:34.659 --> 02:30:36.510
All right. I guess the phone line's not lighting up.
3266
02:30:36.520 --> 02:30:39.379
It usually lights up. What's going on, Ian? 19 from Ohio.
3267
02:30:40.219 --> 02:30:40.420
Yeah.
3268
02:30:41.360 --> 02:30:42.829
Not much. Just sitting here watching the show.
3269
02:30:43.170 --> 02:30:44.389
Thanks, buddy. What do you think?
3270
02:30:45.309 --> 02:30:46.729
Oh, it's great.
3271
02:30:46.989 --> 02:30:49.190
Glad you get it on Ustream.
3272
02:30:50.399 --> 02:30:51.299
Yeah, I'm watching it on YouTube.
3273
02:30:51.340 --> 02:30:52.959
All right. You want to see a big picture of
3274
02:30:52.979 --> 02:30:59.719
a big cock? Not interested. Now, seriously, which one's Brian's camera? Not, not,
3275
02:30:59.739 --> 02:31:02.040
not interested.
3276
02:31:02.059 --> 02:31:02.659
Really?
3277
02:31:02.899 --> 02:31:03.340
All right.
3278
02:31:03.479 --> 02:31:03.760
All right.
3279
02:31:03.799 --> 02:31:04.319
Let's just see.
3280
02:31:04.340 --> 02:31:07.000
He may not be certain if he's only had one girlfriend.
3281
02:31:07.040 --> 02:31:07.719
There's Duke.
3282
02:31:07.940 --> 02:31:09.059
There's much bigger.
3283
02:31:08.899 --> 02:31:13.680
Ones in there. All right. All right. So what's your question, Ian?
3284
02:31:14.600 --> 02:31:17.180
Well, I've only had one girlfriend, and that was way
3285
02:31:17.229 --> 02:31:18.500
back in the sixth grade anyways.
3286
02:31:19.200 --> 02:31:19.329
So.
3287
02:31:20.200 --> 02:31:22.280
I was wondering, you know, how can I, you know,
3288
02:31:22.739 --> 02:31:26.030
grab more women? Or at least get them interested.
3289
02:31:26.049 --> 02:31:27.729
Maybe changing your language.
3290
02:31:28.229 --> 02:31:29.629
What do you do for a living, Ian?
3291
02:31:31.049 --> 02:31:32.950
I'm a waiter at the moment.
3292
02:31:33.610 --> 02:31:38.559
I have found a couple of things for women. You know,
3293
02:31:38.639 --> 02:31:42.069
in real estate, they always do that location, location, location.
3294
02:31:43.149 --> 02:31:45.430
I used to be an attractive guy. I was in
3295
02:31:45.489 --> 02:31:49.049
good shape. I was single and ready to mingle, but
3296
02:31:49.129 --> 02:31:52.090
I was a construction worker. And that meant I worked
3297
02:31:52.110 --> 02:31:54.559
with a bunch of Mexicans in Simi Valley, and there
3298
02:31:54.579 --> 02:31:57.000
was never a woman anywhere. The closest I ever got
3299
02:31:57.040 --> 02:31:58.620
to a woman was the chick who cooked.
3300
02:31:58.879 --> 02:32:02.239
Women cross the street when they see a construction site.
3301
02:32:02.340 --> 02:32:08.030
Yes. Now, my assistant, Jay, he works at a bar,
3302
02:32:08.450 --> 02:32:11.209
you know, like a sports bar, like down by the
3303
02:32:11.270 --> 02:32:16.049
Strand at Huntington Beach or Manhattan Beach. Not only are
3304
02:32:16.069 --> 02:32:18.329
there tons of drunken chicks just pouring in and out
3305
02:32:18.370 --> 02:32:20.850
of the place, but every fucking other waitress in the
3306
02:32:20.889 --> 02:32:23.319
place is just another drunken chick who showed up for
3307
02:32:23.430 --> 02:32:28.120
six months. It's a constant revolving door of hot chicks.
3308
02:32:28.540 --> 02:32:31.299
So you got your pick of the litter. Now, it
3309
02:32:31.340 --> 02:32:33.260
doesn't mean you're going to be Don Juan, but at
3310
02:32:33.319 --> 02:32:36.620
least you're in a place where there's a constant stream
3311
02:32:36.700 --> 02:32:40.520
of women coming in to get drunk and then hanging
3312
02:32:40.579 --> 02:32:43.829
back after work and doing shots with other people who
3313
02:32:43.870 --> 02:32:44.290
work there.
3314
02:32:44.309 --> 02:32:44.829
Yeah.
3315
02:32:45.010 --> 02:32:48.129
So first thing I would tell a dude who's interested
3316
02:32:48.149 --> 02:32:50.709
in getting laid is get a job. Go to a
3317
02:32:50.770 --> 02:32:54.129
place where you'll get it. Go down to Manhattan Beach
3318
02:32:54.170 --> 02:32:57.790
and get a job bartending. I mean, you would have
3319
02:32:57.850 --> 02:33:00.030
trouble not getting laid if that was your gig.
3320
02:33:00.229 --> 02:33:03.569
Ask him what kind of bar or restaurant he serves at.
3321
02:33:03.629 --> 02:33:05.149
You ask him. Hey, Ian.
3322
02:33:06.409 --> 02:33:08.040
What kind of restaurant do you serve at?
3323
02:33:09.750 --> 02:33:10.989
I work at a barbecue restaurant.
3324
02:33:11.229 --> 02:33:12.159
Oh, bad time.
3325
02:33:12.190 --> 02:33:16.120
Barbecue, that's family. That's like a family clan town.
3326
02:33:16.299 --> 02:33:18.620
A lot of heavyset men of color coming in there.
3327
02:33:19.659 --> 02:33:20.120
Yeah.
3328
02:33:20.639 --> 02:33:23.840
I am now, I am saying this to every dude
3329
02:33:23.979 --> 02:33:26.379
out there who wants to get laid. Go to a
3330
02:33:26.459 --> 02:33:29.159
place where there are women, and if there's booze being
3331
02:33:29.219 --> 02:33:35.879
served there, even better. I mean, how many... Yeah, I mean, seriously.
3332
02:33:35.899 --> 02:33:37.280
You learned all this from Dr.
3333
02:33:37.319 --> 02:33:39.969
Drew, didn't you? No, I worked with a bunch of
3334
02:33:40.000 --> 02:33:44.290
construction guys that were like good-looking, strapping dudes, but we
3335
02:33:44.329 --> 02:33:48.129
were all just hanging out together versus sitting around pouring
3336
02:33:48.270 --> 02:33:50.709
shots for chicks. And by the way, when three of
3337
02:33:50.729 --> 02:33:52.729
them come in and you're the only dude who's bartending
3338
02:33:52.750 --> 02:33:54.590
and they're trying to get your attention all the time
3339
02:33:54.610 --> 02:33:57.450
and it's all built in and they're getting loopy and
3340
02:33:57.469 --> 02:33:59.709
they have to ride a beach cruiser back to their
3341
02:33:59.750 --> 02:34:04.909
friend's apartment. I mean, it's fucking done. So, yeah, Ian,
3342
02:34:04.989 --> 02:34:07.010
get a job somewhere. How's the barbecue, though?
3343
02:34:07.930 --> 02:34:08.590
Oh, it's great.
3344
02:34:08.610 --> 02:34:11.379
Kansas City style, or they go with the dry rub?
3345
02:34:12.700 --> 02:34:14.899
No, it's actually, it's great sauce we make ourselves. The
3346
02:34:14.920 --> 02:34:19.260
thing is, I can actually get laid. There are female
3347
02:34:19.280 --> 02:34:20.000
waitresses there.
3348
02:34:19.899 --> 02:34:20.159
All the time.
3349
02:34:20.180 --> 02:34:21.959
Oh, well, there you go. See, that's up to staff.
3350
02:34:22.020 --> 02:34:24.280
But the relationship's the problem.
3351
02:34:24.299 --> 02:34:25.139
Is this a guy?
3352
02:34:25.180 --> 02:34:26.379
Is this a man on the phone?
3353
02:34:26.420 --> 02:34:26.930
Yeah, you're 19.
3354
02:34:26.920 --> 02:34:27.520
Are you gay?
3355
02:34:27.719 --> 02:34:30.459
You're 19. Who cares? It's you.
3356
02:34:30.959 --> 02:34:31.059
You.
3357
02:34:31.690 --> 02:34:36.540
Look, if you'd like to cultivate a relationship, if you're
3358
02:34:36.579 --> 02:34:41.239
having sex with somebody, usually you can cultivate a relationship
3359
02:34:41.280 --> 02:34:44.219
from that. The sex is the hard part. All right.
3360
02:34:44.280 --> 02:34:47.329
Hang up on this person. I'm going to Jake.
3361
02:34:47.409 --> 02:34:47.729
Jake.
3362
02:34:48.469 --> 02:34:49.670
Hey, Adam. What's going on, Jake?
3363
02:34:50.190 --> 02:34:52.290
Not too much. I just have a girl that's going
3364
02:34:52.309 --> 02:34:54.129
to maybe be with me in about a month and
3365
02:34:54.149 --> 02:34:56.549
a half, and I don't know. I kind of want
3366
02:34:56.569 --> 02:34:58.659
to back out of it now because she's been acting
3367
02:34:58.690 --> 02:35:01.139
weird lately. I don't know if it's just me being
3368
02:35:01.260 --> 02:35:04.979
oversensitive to things or if it's actually a warning sign.
3369
02:35:05.000 --> 02:35:07.479
The phone dropped out. She's moving in with you?
3370
02:35:08.000 --> 02:35:08.260
Yeah.
3371
02:35:08.739 --> 02:35:09.719
In a month and a half?
3372
02:35:09.979 --> 02:35:11.700
About a month and a half, beginning of September.
3373
02:35:12.170 --> 02:35:13.569
Mm-hmm. Why is that?
3374
02:35:14.450 --> 02:35:15.430
That's just when her lease is up.
3375
02:35:16.719 --> 02:35:18.459
And are you guys planning on getting married?
3376
02:35:19.579 --> 02:35:21.139
No, not anywhere.
3377
02:35:21.159 --> 02:35:24.920
I wonder if she would answer the same way.
3378
02:35:25.020 --> 02:35:26.700
Yeah, she probably wouldn't. How old is she?
3379
02:35:26.719 --> 02:35:28.520
She's 20.
3380
02:35:28.520 --> 02:35:29.309
Oh, she's 20? Yeah.
3381
02:35:29.329 --> 02:35:32.690
She sounds like she could be perfect for Ian.
3382
02:35:32.809 --> 02:35:36.170
And you're 28. Yeah. She like barbecue?
3383
02:35:37.569 --> 02:35:39.590
I have a man grate. She enjoys the meat cooked
3384
02:35:39.649 --> 02:35:40.010
on that.
3385
02:35:40.149 --> 02:35:46.700
How about an uncut hot link with extra sauce? Here's
3386
02:35:46.719 --> 02:35:51.479
the thing. Living together in your 20s never fucking works.
3387
02:35:52.139 --> 02:35:55.809
It never works. It might. It's ironic. I think I
3388
02:35:55.860 --> 02:35:58.209
could live with a 20 year old chick now because
3389
02:35:58.389 --> 02:36:01.590
I have enough square footage and enough TV sets. When
3390
02:36:01.610 --> 02:36:03.510
you're living on top of each other in that shitty
3391
02:36:03.569 --> 02:36:08.440
little apartment. And you're both super immature. There's only one toilet.
3392
02:36:08.600 --> 02:36:14.399
Only one toilet. And you have the porcelain wrecker in town.
3393
02:36:14.579 --> 02:36:18.850
She's going to destroy that place.
3394
02:36:19.329 --> 02:36:20.569
Land in this corner.
3395
02:36:20.590 --> 02:36:26.649
Porcelain wrecker. I would like to die now. Jake. I
3396
02:36:26.729 --> 02:36:30.020
would not. Here's my thing. I wouldn't move in. And
3397
02:36:30.559 --> 02:36:32.930
I'm going to sound old fashioned here, but it's just
3398
02:36:33.010 --> 02:36:36.989
sort of based on experience, trial and error. I would
3399
02:36:37.049 --> 02:36:40.409
move in with someone when I got engaged. If you're
3400
02:36:40.469 --> 02:36:44.090
moving in with them because she's lost her lease or
3401
02:36:44.159 --> 02:36:46.500
her roommate moved out, if it's one of those things
3402
02:36:46.540 --> 02:36:48.500
where I'm only moving in with them because I have
3403
02:36:48.540 --> 02:36:50.979
to move in with them because that's not a great
3404
02:36:51.020 --> 02:36:53.579
plan and there's really no good that can come from this,
3405
02:36:53.600 --> 02:36:56.590
you'll never get any closer. It's only going to fall apart.
3406
02:36:57.030 --> 02:37:01.250
So if you value this relationship... I would say don't
3407
02:37:01.329 --> 02:37:04.569
move in together and really only do it when it's
3408
02:37:04.610 --> 02:37:09.350
sort of a stepping stone to marriage or at least engagement. Okay, Jake?
3409
02:37:09.739 --> 02:37:10.139
All right.
3410
02:37:10.170 --> 02:37:12.940
Sounds good. And follow your instinct. If there's a little
3411
02:37:13.540 --> 02:37:18.159
birdie that's telling you, maybe I shouldn't do it, it probably,
3412
02:37:18.180 --> 02:37:21.059
you probably, it shouldn't be a little bird. It should
3413
02:37:21.079 --> 02:37:23.579
be a pelican that's screaming, don't do it.
3414
02:37:24.209 --> 02:37:25.670
You said that she's been acting weird lately.
3415
02:37:25.709 --> 02:37:26.209
What do you mean?
3416
02:37:26.229 --> 02:37:31.420
We'll have these situations where we'll get really close and
3417
02:37:31.440 --> 02:37:33.319
she'll open up about stuff and then she'll just kind
3418
02:37:33.360 --> 02:37:35.840
of shut down for a few days and I don't
3419
02:37:35.879 --> 02:37:36.860
really hear from her.
3420
02:37:38.159 --> 02:37:44.219
She's 20 and this is kind of the problem. First
3421
02:37:44.280 --> 02:37:48.329
piece of news, do not get her pregnant. Because you
3422
02:37:48.350 --> 02:37:51.729
get her pregnant, and now you're in with somebody.
3423
02:37:51.809 --> 02:37:52.930
I come on the tits, so.
3424
02:37:52.989 --> 02:37:57.569
Thank you. Thank you. Even if it's not hers, any
3425
02:37:57.610 --> 02:37:58.270
pair will do.
3426
02:37:58.569 --> 02:38:01.670
You know, that could be one of the reasons she's
3427
02:38:01.790 --> 02:38:04.420
acting a little weird, though, if you only come on
3428
02:38:04.479 --> 02:38:05.000
her tits.
3429
02:38:05.020 --> 02:38:08.120
Could be your next book. Could be another book. You've
3430
02:38:08.139 --> 02:38:10.100
got to do a kid's book. One of these days.
3431
02:38:10.120 --> 02:38:12.360
That's just. Or a scratch and sniff.
3432
02:38:12.940 --> 02:38:15.139
Don't talk about kids in regards to this.
3433
02:38:15.600 --> 02:38:16.020
Oh, okay.
3434
02:38:16.379 --> 02:38:16.840
Hey, Dustin.
3435
02:38:16.860 --> 02:38:17.049
Thank you.
3436
02:38:17.909 --> 02:38:18.709
Hi, how you doing, Adam?
3437
02:38:18.770 --> 02:38:20.629
What's going on, Dustin? Hey, everybody.
3438
02:38:20.649 --> 02:38:21.989
Thanks for having me. Hey.
3439
02:38:22.350 --> 02:38:24.309
I just got out of a five-year relationship.
3440
02:38:24.350 --> 02:38:26.790
I just graduated college three weeks ago, and it kind
3441
02:38:26.809 --> 02:38:29.600
of went sour. It was sort of an up-and-down relationship
3442
02:38:29.620 --> 02:38:30.159
to begin with.
3443
02:38:30.600 --> 02:38:31.579
Yeah, it was.
3444
02:38:32.200 --> 02:38:34.319
We ended up wanting to have a mutual breakup.
3445
02:38:34.420 --> 02:38:36.319
Up and down. Yeah, mutual five-year relationship, yeah.
3446
02:38:41.620 --> 02:38:44.610
And she, in the past weeks, has started portraying me
3447
02:38:44.770 --> 02:38:46.190
as an abusive boyfriend.
3448
02:38:46.450 --> 02:38:47.469
Yeah, she did.
3449
02:38:47.610 --> 02:38:48.010
Wow.
3450
02:38:48.149 --> 02:38:50.170
Quick backhand. I'll straighten that out.
3451
02:38:51.149 --> 02:38:52.010
Portraying you to who?
3452
02:38:52.069 --> 02:38:54.329
Out of nowhere. I certainly may have been an asshole,
3453
02:38:54.389 --> 02:38:56.530
but I'm certainly not that. But, you know, her family
3454
02:38:56.549 --> 02:38:59.000
won't talk to me and her friends and everything. And
3455
02:38:59.840 --> 02:39:02.459
I don't know what's been said, but should I care?
3456
02:39:02.719 --> 02:39:05.899
Now, look, you guys have been together for a long time.
3457
02:39:05.940 --> 02:39:06.959
You break up, right?
3458
02:39:07.440 --> 02:39:07.739
Right.
3459
02:39:07.840 --> 02:39:09.819
Move on. It's just moving on time.
3460
02:39:10.239 --> 02:39:10.520
Yeah.
3461
02:39:10.620 --> 02:39:16.180
Nobody. I wish I've said this once before, and this
3462
02:39:16.239 --> 02:39:18.500
is why I'm going to be a good dad. And
3463
02:39:18.520 --> 02:39:21.690
I wish somebody I wish somebody would have pulled me
3464
02:39:21.770 --> 02:39:26.489
aside when I was like 24, 26 or 22 and go, listen,
3465
02:39:27.790 --> 02:39:29.809
you're going to have another girlfriend and then you have
3466
02:39:29.850 --> 02:39:32.270
another one after this and you have a fight and
3467
02:39:32.309 --> 02:39:34.520
then they'll be crying and there'll be some screaming and
3468
02:39:34.540 --> 02:39:36.360
then you'll have another one. And at some point you'll
3469
02:39:36.399 --> 02:39:40.479
get married when you're 35. But shit, kid, you're 23. Like,
3470
02:39:40.540 --> 02:39:42.489
what do you, don't even get up in your head
3471
02:39:42.520 --> 02:39:44.250
about it. Just move on.
3472
02:39:44.610 --> 02:39:45.190
Never listen.
3473
02:39:45.290 --> 02:39:47.870
No one's ever said that. No one will ever tell
3474
02:39:47.889 --> 02:39:50.309
you that. I would hope that I would tell my
3475
02:39:50.389 --> 02:39:52.790
kid that. Not that he's going to listen, but it
3476
02:39:52.809 --> 02:39:55.190
just means this idea. We all know what we're like
3477
02:39:55.209 --> 02:39:58.760
when you're 21, 22, 23. It's like you're not equipped
3478
02:39:58.799 --> 02:40:03.280
for this shit. You're a mess emotionally. So you guys
3479
02:40:03.299 --> 02:40:06.739
have been together. You're broken up. She's talking shit. Move on.
3480
02:40:07.590 --> 02:40:11.950
Higher ground. You know, be the bigger man about this.
3481
02:40:12.030 --> 02:40:12.350
Yes?
3482
02:40:12.379 --> 02:40:16.620
All right. Let's do one more call here. Let's speak to...
3483
02:40:16.379 --> 02:40:19.120
What about the guy with the foot fetish, girlfriend? Do
3484
02:40:19.139 --> 02:40:21.020
you see anything on line one, Diane?
3485
02:40:21.200 --> 02:40:23.459
That guy, he hung up? He hung up?
3486
02:40:23.840 --> 02:40:24.639
He chickened out.
3487
02:40:24.899 --> 02:40:25.319
John?
3488
02:40:25.340 --> 02:40:26.280
Hello?
3489
02:40:26.700 --> 02:40:30.280
John? Hey, man, get it on. Get it on. What's up?
3490
02:40:30.979 --> 02:40:32.639
I kind of feel like an idiot after that last
3491
02:40:32.700 --> 02:40:35.420
guy called because I almost have the exact same problem.
3492
02:40:35.639 --> 02:40:37.239
That's all right. We had a guy with a foot
3493
02:40:37.260 --> 02:40:38.920
fetish drop out, so we'll talk to you.
3494
02:40:39.590 --> 02:40:42.069
Oh, I just got out of a three-year relationship. I'm
3495
02:40:42.069 --> 02:40:46.750
21 years old. And she just, like, recently started calling
3496
02:40:46.770 --> 02:40:48.590
me back. She's like, you know, kind of want to
3497
02:40:48.629 --> 02:40:51.850
get back together. Should I consider it or should I
3498
02:40:51.870 --> 02:40:55.379
just kind of cut the cord, go at it, you know?
3499
02:40:55.399 --> 02:40:57.200
Why did you break up?
3500
02:40:58.620 --> 02:41:04.440
Big Duke in the toilet. She couldn't stop throwing up.
3501
02:41:05.870 --> 02:41:09.170
No, she's like 19 years old, and she's kind of immature.
3502
02:41:09.190 --> 02:41:09.989
Three years?
3503
02:41:10.309 --> 02:41:10.750
And she's 19 now?
3504
02:41:10.790 --> 02:41:12.049
She works six days a week, and.
3505
02:41:12.010 --> 02:41:13.930
The schedules just didn't match up lately.
3506
02:41:13.969 --> 02:41:14.430
Can't judge.
3507
02:41:15.670 --> 02:41:16.270
It became a mess.
3508
02:41:16.350 --> 02:41:20.790
Hey, John, okay, here's why this is a good thing.
3509
02:41:21.309 --> 02:41:25.399
Every guy, and for that matter, every girl, before you
3510
02:41:25.420 --> 02:41:28.870
get married... you really should have a number of relationships
3511
02:41:28.909 --> 02:41:32.149
just so you go, all right, I know I'm, it's, it's,
3512
02:41:32.870 --> 02:41:35.979
it's sort of analogous to test driving a car, go out,
3513
02:41:36.079 --> 02:41:38.799
kick some tires, try out, see what it feels like,
3514
02:41:38.860 --> 02:41:42.290
compare the, Toyotas to the Acuras and figure out what
3515
02:41:42.329 --> 02:41:44.469
you want. And then when you settle and when you
3516
02:41:44.489 --> 02:41:46.799
make a decision, you go, you know what? This is
3517
02:41:46.899 --> 02:41:49.379
based on something. It's not someone I met in the
3518
02:41:49.440 --> 02:41:52.420
10th grade and now we're together. And I constantly have
3519
02:41:52.440 --> 02:41:54.879
to keep thinking to myself, is this my soulmate? And
3520
02:41:54.940 --> 02:41:58.000
if so, why was she sitting behind me at a
3521
02:41:58.180 --> 02:42:03.139
small Catholic high school in Ithaca in my geometry class,
3522
02:42:03.159 --> 02:42:07.590
you know? So, Have those relationships. Get out there. And
3523
02:42:08.149 --> 02:42:11.149
also be single for a while. And not only just
3524
02:42:11.209 --> 02:42:13.969
be single, be alone for a while. Just take six
3525
02:42:14.049 --> 02:42:16.909
months and just be yourself. Get the big book of
3526
02:42:17.049 --> 02:42:20.559
penises or boobies. Do a little 3D beating off. They're
3527
02:42:20.590 --> 02:42:23.920
nicely laminated pages. No worry. You throw this thing right
3528
02:42:23.940 --> 02:42:30.399
in the dishwasher when you're done. Dishwasher safe. And hamper-friendly
3529
02:42:30.440 --> 02:42:32.040
dishwasher safe.
3530
02:42:32.180 --> 02:42:33.469
Just don't try to flush down the toilet.
3531
02:42:33.549 --> 02:42:35.930
No. No, Allison.
3532
02:42:36.090 --> 02:42:36.469
No.
3533
02:42:36.489 --> 02:42:38.690
Don't wipe your ass with it.
3534
02:42:38.729 --> 02:42:38.870
No.
3535
02:42:38.930 --> 02:42:39.049
No.
3536
02:42:39.149 --> 02:42:39.729
The point is.
3537
02:42:40.049 --> 02:42:41.909
Could someone go to the bathroom with me next time
3538
02:42:41.950 --> 02:42:42.739
and talk me through it?
3539
02:42:43.090 --> 02:42:47.680
Everybody should... Everybody, well, Diane will show you what to do.
3540
02:42:47.739 --> 02:42:49.819
She carries a wrist rocket with her in case she
3541
02:42:49.860 --> 02:42:52.360
has a solid DM. She'll just fire that shit at
3542
02:42:52.389 --> 02:42:54.909
the lowest flying airplane that comes by.
3543
02:42:54.930 --> 02:42:58.209
If people can pick up dog shit with nothing but
3544
02:42:58.250 --> 02:43:02.829
a thin plastic bag between their hand and warm dog shit,
3545
02:43:02.870 --> 02:43:04.389
you can pick up your own shit out of the
3546
02:43:04.430 --> 02:43:05.309
toilet and throw.
3547
02:43:05.170 --> 02:43:07.670
It out the window. I have kicked more dog shit
3548
02:43:07.690 --> 02:43:11.219
than I've picked it up. I've used leaves. Like, yeah,
3549
02:43:11.239 --> 02:43:13.709
I mean, come on. Yeah, why can't you pick up
3550
02:43:13.750 --> 02:43:15.129
your own shit? That's right.
3551
02:43:15.149 --> 02:43:16.409
I don't pick up after myself, I guess.
3552
02:43:16.430 --> 02:43:19.170
Hey, listen, Diane, forget about the big book of cocks
3553
02:43:19.209 --> 02:43:24.389
and tits. You need one on etiquette. You're the next Eloise. Yes, yes.
3554
02:43:24.450 --> 02:43:25.229
So what are we saying?
3555
02:43:25.250 --> 02:43:26.510
You should only flush urine?
3556
02:43:27.229 --> 02:43:27.750
No.
3557
02:43:27.969 --> 02:43:28.229
No.
3558
02:43:28.729 --> 02:43:29.969
Did I misunderstand?
3559
02:43:29.989 --> 02:43:30.049
No.
3560
02:43:30.110 --> 02:43:34.909
All we're saying is, you know... Avoid those embarrassing situations
3561
02:43:35.030 --> 02:43:38.290
at all costs. If you have to, go straight into
3562
02:43:38.329 --> 02:43:40.430
the toilet and get it out of there before you
3563
02:43:40.469 --> 02:43:42.370
let the guy know what you've done to his toilet.
3564
02:43:42.670 --> 02:43:44.750
Because then he's going to come in and come face
3565
02:43:44.790 --> 02:43:46.579
to face with your shit. And you really need to
3566
02:43:46.719 --> 02:43:50.180
wait until you've got like six months together before a
3567
02:43:50.200 --> 02:43:50.959
guy sees your shit.
3568
02:43:50.979 --> 02:43:51.920
He didn't see the shit.
3569
02:43:51.940 --> 02:43:55.680
Thank God for the grace of God. No, I think
3570
02:43:56.120 --> 02:43:58.760
until he listens to this, he actually thinks it was
3571
02:43:59.079 --> 02:44:01.260
just bad toilet paper.
3572
02:44:02.420 --> 02:44:04.860
And it was. How much toilet paper do you have
3573
02:44:04.899 --> 02:44:07.729
to use on a multivitamin? You know what I mean?
3574
02:44:07.750 --> 02:44:09.670
Let's not explore it too much.
3575
02:44:09.790 --> 02:44:12.049
He's going to be glad that you're regular. When you
3576
02:44:12.170 --> 02:44:15.250
move further up the line, so many women are constipated.
3577
02:44:15.270 --> 02:44:18.329
Guys have to hear about women being constipated all the time.
3578
02:44:18.409 --> 02:44:21.010
Men want a woman. who can get it out there
3579
02:44:21.079 --> 02:44:21.479
and walk away.
3580
02:44:21.510 --> 02:44:23.479
I mean, for me, it's great that I feel comfortable
3581
02:44:23.540 --> 02:44:26.079
enough to use his bathroom, but it's also not great
3582
02:44:26.120 --> 02:44:26.540
in a way.
3583
02:44:26.639 --> 02:44:28.200
I agree with Diane. Like, I want the kind of
3584
02:44:28.239 --> 02:44:30.739
woman who can shit and then just, you know, grab
3585
02:44:30.799 --> 02:44:33.129
it with a napkin and toss it out the window at,
3586
02:44:33.299 --> 02:44:36.620
you know, the closest retirement villa and just move on.
3587
02:44:37.319 --> 02:44:41.229
And again, I'm not joking about my etiquette book. Like,
3588
02:44:41.329 --> 02:44:44.530
salad fork, no elbows on the table, and always use
3589
02:44:44.569 --> 02:44:46.270
two-ply when you're throwing shit out the window.
3590
02:44:46.530 --> 02:44:51.239
No. And be sure to wash. Use the guest towel afterwards.
3591
02:44:51.319 --> 02:44:52.860
And open the screen, for God's sake.
3592
02:44:53.100 --> 02:44:57.059
Use those little molded soaps. That's what they're there for, right?
3593
02:44:57.340 --> 02:44:59.799
I have gone in with the toilet paper to get
3594
02:44:59.840 --> 02:45:03.100
the hash mark off the toilet that has been created.
3595
02:45:03.139 --> 02:45:05.500
Because that's a telltale. That's what you call a tell
3596
02:45:05.559 --> 02:45:08.120
right there. I'll do it. And the show has reached
3597
02:45:08.219 --> 02:45:09.819
a new low. Yeah, it's reached a new low.
3598
02:45:10.360 --> 02:45:13.680
Has this guy been satisfied, however, here?
3599
02:45:13.780 --> 02:45:17.750
He's satisfied. John should not get back together again. You
3600
02:45:17.770 --> 02:45:21.950
should rarely get back. Look, if you have kids, that's
3601
02:45:22.110 --> 02:45:24.489
one thing. You know, I'm talking about getting back together.
3602
02:45:24.649 --> 02:45:24.829
Yeah.
3603
02:45:25.010 --> 02:45:27.760
If you have kids, get back together. If you're in
3604
02:45:27.799 --> 02:45:33.440
your 30s, think about getting back together. When you're 19, 20, 22,
3605
02:45:33.440 --> 02:45:35.579
and you break up, you break up for a reason.
3606
02:45:35.860 --> 02:45:39.409
Move on. Have a new relationship. All right, I can't
3607
02:45:39.469 --> 02:45:41.969
talk about Dookie anymore. I feel like we ought to
3608
02:45:42.030 --> 02:45:44.270
just put a pin in this show. I am never
3609
02:45:44.290 --> 02:45:46.850
going to get tired of this. I feel like we're done.
3610
02:45:46.930 --> 02:45:51.790
Diane Hansen, the big book of breasts and penises and things.
3611
02:45:51.950 --> 02:45:54.700
And that masturbation book.
3612
02:45:54.780 --> 02:45:57.579
There's a big ass book. Oh, yeah, there they are.
3613
02:45:57.620 --> 02:45:59.319
Look at them. You can go to Amazon.
3614
02:45:59.379 --> 02:46:01.159
Every big thing you want. I've done it.
3615
02:46:01.520 --> 02:46:06.709
You can go to Amazon.com and click through our website.
3616
02:46:06.809 --> 02:46:09.739
There we go, back up and running. Go to AdamCarolla.com
3617
02:46:09.780 --> 02:46:13.219
and go to Amazon. It's a nice coffee table book
3618
02:46:13.319 --> 02:46:18.920
and a conversation piece. And also, where can people find you?
3619
02:46:18.959 --> 02:46:22.360
They can go to Tashen.com. That's the website.
3620
02:46:22.440 --> 02:46:25.040
T-A-S-H-E-N.com.
3621
02:46:25.159 --> 02:46:27.319
Thank you. You've been a delight. I love all the
3622
02:46:27.360 --> 02:46:30.420
poop talk. Maybe we'll spin that off into its own podcast.
3623
02:46:31.200 --> 02:46:34.180
Poop Talk with Diane Hanson.
3624
02:46:34.260 --> 02:46:35.200
All right, so.
3625
02:46:35.299 --> 02:46:37.639
Shouldn't have had that bottle of wine before I drove
3626
02:46:37.719 --> 02:46:38.100
over here.
3627
02:46:38.719 --> 02:46:44.540
Until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Bald Brian,
3628
02:46:44.809 --> 02:46:51.569
Diane Hansen, and the Brown City Destroyer. Allison Rosen saying mahalo.
3629
02:46:53.049 --> 02:46:54.170
I like cock talk.
3630
02:47:00.110 --> 02:47:01.889
All right, that's Adam Carolla Show 607. That does it
3631
02:47:01.909 --> 02:47:03.430
for today's Pool of Classics. Make sure to tune in
3632
02:47:03.450 --> 02:47:06.409
next weekend for three all-new installments. Until then, mahalo and
3633
02:47:06.450 --> 02:47:06.709
get it on.