Why Self-Forgiveness Is the First Step in Your Transformational Journey

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Welcome to Transformative Living Radio, where we explore the power of intentional change for personal growth and fulfillment.
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I'm Andre Flax, your host and certified life and leadership coach.
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Hey, let me ask you something.
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Have you ever felt like you're doing everything you're supposed to do?
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You're growing, you're learning, you're becoming more aware of yourself.
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And yet, when it's time to step into that next level of your life, you hesitate.
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Not out loud and in an obvious way, but in those quiet moments where you second guess yourself, where you pull back just enough where you don't fully step into what you know you're capable of.
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And if we're honest, it's not always clear why.
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It doesn't feel like a lack of discipline, or it doesn't feel like a lack of ability.
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It feels like something deeper.
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Like there's a part of you that's still holding on to something, something unresolved.
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And what I found, both in my personal life and with working with others, is that many times what we're dealing with is something we haven't forgiven ourselves for.
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And until we address that, growth can only go so far.
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So in today's episode, we want to talk about why self-forgiveness is the missing link to your transformational journey.
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So grab a pen and a pad, and if you're ready, let's begin.
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Hello and welcome to another empowering episode of Transformative Living Radio.
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I'm Andre Flax, your host and certified life and leadership coach.
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Now, I want you to take a moment and to imagine something.
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There's a man walking along a path.
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He's carrying a bag over his shoulder.
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Now, at first, the bag doesn't seem like a problem.
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He's walking fine, moving forward, making progress.
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But as time goes on, the bag gets heavier.
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His steps begin to slow down.
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His posture changes, and his energy constrains.
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Eventually he stops.
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Not because he wants to, but because he has to.
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So he takes the bag off his shoulder, sits it down, and finally opens it.
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And when he looks inside, he realizes something.
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The weight he's been carrying isn't from where he's going, it's from where he's been.
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Regret, guilt, old decisions, moments he never made peace with.
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And here's the truth a lot of people are on the same path right now, moving forward, but they're weighed down.
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Growing, but still carrying that weight.
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And the question becomes how far can you really go if you're still carrying the weight of who you used to be?
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Because at some point, growth requires release.
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In personal development, we talk a lot about discipline, consistency, and mindset.
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And those things matter.
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But in my experience, both in my own life and when working with others, there's something deeper that doesn't always get addressed.
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And that is this the relationship you have with your past.
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Because if we're honest, it's not always the outside world that holds us back.
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Sometimes it's the way we see ourselves because of what we've been through.
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Or more specifically, because of what we haven't forgiven ourselves for.
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And when we really sit with that, it starts to make sense.
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Because the weight isn't just in what happened, it's in what you made it mean about you.
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It's the story that formed after the moment.
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The story that says, I'm not good enough.
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I always mess things up.
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I should be further along by now.
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And over time, that story stops becoming something you think, and it becomes something you believe.
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And once it becomes a belief, it shapes how you show up.
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So even when life presents you with an opportunity, even when you're ready for more, there's a part of you that pulls back.
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You hesitate, you overthink, you second guess yourself.
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And from the outside, it might look like a lack of discipline or a lack of confidence.
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But what's really happening is something much deeper.
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You're responding from an identity that was shaped by your past.
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And that's where self-sabotage begins.
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Not because you want to hold yourself back, but because a part of you still sees yourself through the lens of who you used to be.
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And when that's the lens, your behavior will always find a way to match it.
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So even when you're doing the right things on the outside, there's a quiet resistance on the inside.
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And afterwards, you might tell yourself, Well, I need to be more disciplined.
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But what if that's not the real issue?
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What if the real issue is you're trying to build a new life on top of an identity that hasn't been released yet?
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Because here's what I've come to understand.
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You cannot fully step into your future while quietly holding yourself hostage to your past.
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Not because you're not capable, but because you're not aligned.
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Because part of you is still operating from a belief that says, that's who I am, when in reality, that's who you were.
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Now let's take a moment to slow down and reflect.
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Because awareness is powerful.
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However, true transformation occurs when you take action based on that awareness.
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And that's where I want to guide you next.
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I want to walk you through six practical but powerful steps to help you release the old identity that may be still lingering because you haven't fully forgiven yourself for your past.
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Now, these six steps aren't complicated, they're real and they're grounded.
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And most importantly, there's something you can actually apply to your life starting today.
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So I want you to really lean in on this part.
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Step number one is to be honest about what you're carrying.
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Now, let's begin here, and I want you to take your time with this.
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I want you to write down what you're still holding on to.
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Now, don't give me the general answer.
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Be specific.
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What's the specific moment, the decision, the experience, the thing that still comes up when you're quiet?
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Just acknowledge it.
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Because you can't release what you're not willing to face.
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And this is not about judgment, it's about awareness.
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Now, step number two is to separate who you are from what you did.
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Now, with this step, I want you to gently shift your perspective.
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For example, you made a decision, but that decision is not your identity.
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You've experienced something, but that moment doesn't define your worth.
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And as you begin to separate the two, notice what happens.
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There's space.
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And in that space, you give yourself permission to grow.
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Now, step number three is to look for the lesson.
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From here, we begin to look at it differently.
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Instead of asking, why did I do that?
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Ask yourself, What did this teach me?
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And really sit with that.
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Because every experience carries something with it.
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Maybe it's awareness, clarity, or growth.
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And when you begin to see it that way, the weight starts to shift.
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Now, let me share something with you here, because this isn't just something I teach.
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This is something I had to walk through myself.
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There was a time in my life where I made a decision, and for a long time, I carried that decision with me.
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Now, on the outside, I was doing well.
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I was growing, I was achieving, I was showing up.
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But internally, there was this quiet wait, a voice that would remind me that I should have known better or I should have handled things differently.
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And what I didn't realize at the time was that even though I had moved forward in life, part of me was still anchored in that moment.
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And it showed up in subtle ways.
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In moments where I hesitated, or moments where I second guessed myself, moments where I didn't fully step into what I knew I was capable of.
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Not because I couldn't, but because I hadn't made peace with that version of myself.
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And it wasn't until I slowed down and I asked myself, what did that experience actually teach me that something inside of me shifted?
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Because I realized then that the moment didn't define me, it developed me.
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And in that realization, the weight started to lift.
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Step number four is to make a decision to release it.
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Now, this is a very important step, and it really, really matters.
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Because self-forgiveness doesn't begin with a feeling, it begins with a decision.
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A simple intentional choice that says, I'm no longer going to carry this.
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Now, you may not feel it immediately, and that's okay.
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Just stay with the decision.
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Now, step number five is a critical step, and that is define who you are now.
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Now that you've created space, let's bring intention into it.
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Ask yourself these questions.
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Who are you now?
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What do you stand for?
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How do you show up?
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Let this become your new point of reference.
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Finally, step number six is to live into it one day at a time.
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Not all at once, not perfectly, but intentionally.
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Because this is where a lot of people get stuck.
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They have the realization, they feel the shift, they make the decision, but then they go right back into the old patterns because they haven't built a new way of showing up.
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You see, living into a new identity isn't about becoming someone different overnight.
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It's about becoming more consistent with who you've decided to be.
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Moment by moment, choice by choice.
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It's in the small decisions, the ones no one else sees.
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It's in how you speak to yourself when something doesn't go your way.
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It's in how you respond to the old thoughts that try to come back.
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It's how you show up when no one is watching.
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And here's something I want you to understand.
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Your identity is not formed in the big moments, it's formed in the consistent ones.
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So every day I want you to ask yourself the simple question What would the version of me who has already forgiven themselves do right now?
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And then act from that place, not from who you used to be, but from who you're becoming.
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Even if it feels unfamiliar at first, even if it feels uncomfortable, that's a part of the process.
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Because growth always feels unfamiliar before it feels natural.
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And over time, those small aligned decisions begin to stack.
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Your thoughts start to shift, your confidence starts to grow, your behavior begins to align with your new identity.
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And one day you'll notice something.
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You're no longer trying to be that person, you've become that person.
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Not because you forced it, but because you lived into it.
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One decision at a time, one day at a time.
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Now, as we wrap up this episode, I want to leave you with this thought.
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Self-forgiveness is not about pretending the past didn't happen.
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It's not about excusing the decisions you made or avoiding the responsibilities for them.
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It's about recognizing something deeper.
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That who you were in that moment is not who you're committed to being moving forward.
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And when you really understand that, something begins to change.
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You stop using your past as evidence against yourself, and you start using it as insight for who you're becoming.
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You begin to see that those experiences, as difficult as they may have been, didn't come to define you, they came to develop you, to show you something, to teach you something, to awake a level of awareness that you didn't have before.
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And when you can look at your past through that lens, you no longer have to carry it with guilt.
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You can carry it with wisdom.
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And there's a difference.
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Because guilt keeps you stuck, but wisdom moves you forward.
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Well, that's our show for today.
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We hope that you found this episode both insightful and inspiring.
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Join us each week for practical tips, actionable insights, and inspiring stories to help you transform your life.
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We hope you can join us.
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We'll see you soon.
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To experience a free coaching session with Andre Flax, click the link in the show notes or contact him at Andre at Transformative LivingRadio.com.
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If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a comment wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe.