WEBVTT
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You're sitting on the couch and your partner turns to you and says, Well, what do you need from me?
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They care.
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They want to know.
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They're trying.
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This is them doing the good thing that the podcast and the book and the couples counselor all told them to do.
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And you've got nothing.
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You can feel something.
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There's absolutely something happening in your chest or your stomach or your throat.
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But if someone offered you a thousand dollars right now to name it in one word, you couldn't do it.
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There's just a shape there, pressure, heat, a weight, but no label you can grasp.
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So you say the sentence you know they don't want to hear.
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I don't know.
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And you watch their face do the thing, the little flicker, because I don't know sounds like I won't tell you.
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It sounds like resistance.
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It sounds like you're holding out.
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It sounds like you don't care.
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And then somebody somewhere says the line.
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Maybe a therapist, maybe your mother, maybe an Instagram carousel with a nice font.
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You two just need to communicate your needs better.
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Directly, clearly, kindly.
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Cool.
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Great.
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Thanks.
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How?
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Today I'm going to explain exactly why that advice fails you.
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Not because you're bad at communicating, because that advice is asking you to do something your brain in that particular moment is not able to do.
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And then I'm going to give you what actually works instead.
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This is the Neurodivergent Love Lab.
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I'm Jenna Dalton, a psychologist who's Audie HD.
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I help ADHD, autistic, and Aud woman feel truly understood and deeply loved.
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And this is episode 16.
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Just communicate your needs better is not a helpful strategy.
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Not because communication doesn't matter.
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It matters enormously.
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But communicate better isn't a strategy.
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It's a hashtag designed to work for neurotypical brains.
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So we're gonna flip it upside down and sideways and make it work for your neurodivergent brain.
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So here's what that advice is secretly asking you to do.
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Let's pull it apart because I think once you see what's hiding inside it, you'll stop feeling like a failure for not being able to follow it.
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Just communicate your needs better and its cousins.
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Use your words.
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Tell them what you hope for, just be honest about your feelings.
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All quietly assume five things are true about you.
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One, that you have access to your feelings in real time.
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Two, that you have words for them.
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Three, that you can produce those words out loud immediately.
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Four, that you can do all of that while someone is upset or at the very least staring at you, waiting for an answer.
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Five, that your body will cooperate and it will all magically come together seamlessly.
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Five assumptions.
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And for a lot of neurodivergent women, some or all of these are challenging on a good day.
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You're flooded with overwhelming stimulation and you're expected to verbalize what's going on for you while your tongue has suddenly grown three sizes and your throat is closing.
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Yes, that sounds like a very doable thing.
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So when you can't do it, you don't say, huh, that advice didn't fit my brain.
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You say, I'm bad at relationships because I shut down and can't say the thing I'm supposed to say.
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Because the advice arrived with such confidence from such a trustworthy looking source that when it doesn't work, the only plausible explanation is that it's you.
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You're the problem.
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Can I give you a reframe here?
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It's not you.
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Let me show you exactly why I know that to be true.
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The four reasons this doesn't work for you.
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Part one.
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The four breakdowns.
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Let's talk about how this strategy isn't neurodivergent affirming and how it breaks down before you can even get it on the road.
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Breakdown one.
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Processing takes time, and time is not something that you're typically given in these moments.
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You're expected to just know right now we're waiting.
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A lot of neurodivergent brains process deeply rather than quickly.
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So when a hard topic lands on you out of nowhere, your brain needs to disengage from whatever it was doing.
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Load the new thing in the disk drive, hit start, let it warm up for a little while, wait for it to run properly, and then get back to you.
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That's not you being avoidant.
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That's not you being difficult.
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That's you being asked to process at a much higher rate than you're capable of.
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And here's the cost of that in real life.
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You say, I don't know, and the conversation moves on.
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And 40 minutes later, in the shower, the entire perfect answer arrives, fully formed.
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Every word, and it's too late because the conversation's over, and everyone's decided you simply don't care enough to share what's coming up for you.
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Breakdown two.
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You may not have the words.
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Actually, genuinely not have them.
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This is Alexathymia, which we touched on last week, and it's worth mentioning again.
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Alexathymia means difficulty identifying and naming your own emotions, not the absence of emotion.
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You've got plenty of emotion.
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I get it.
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I do too.
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Loads of it.
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You just can't seem to stick a label onto it.
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And here's the tricky thing: your body knows the signal is there.
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The tight jaw, hot face, that heavy pull on your shoulders, that weird feeling behind your eyes.
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What's missing is the translation that turns heavy pull behind my eyes into I feel unseen and misunderstood.
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So when someone says, just tell me how you feel, they think they've asked you to report something you're well aware that you're holding.
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What they've actually asked you to do is perform a translation live at what feels like hyperspeed, using a language you were never taught.
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Breakdown three, the double empathy problem, which puts the whole thing in a completely different light.
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This one's from an autistic researcher called Damien Milton.
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The old story said autistic people are bad at reading other people.
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One directional, her deficit, her job to fix.
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Milton said, hang on, when two people with different neurotypes misunderstand each other, that's mutual.
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You're both struggling to read someone who processes and expresses things differently from you.
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And a study a couple of years ago backed this up in a way I find really satisfying.
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When researchers looked at conversations, non-autistic observers rated the mixed conversations when there was an autistic person and a non-autistic person as the least smooth.
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They seemed to be talking past each other and neither of them were understanding what the heck was going on.
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But two autistic people talking to each other, they got it.
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They did fine.
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Which tells you the breakdown isn't sitting inside the autistic person.
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We know how to interpret the conversation when we're chatting with each other.
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The miscommunication happens when you get a neurotypical and neurodivergent person in the room and essentially try to force the one person to understand West Coast slang while the other one needs to know how to interpret East Coast slang.
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They're both speaking English, just a different version of it.
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And that reframes you need to communicate better completely.
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Because that advice puts 100% of the work on one person.
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Usually you, the neurodivergent person, the one who's already doing all the translating in the relationship, and in her family, and at her job, and has been doing so since she was that little girl that everyone thought was quirky and weird.
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You don't have to be the only one who needs to just communicate better.
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It's much more of a two-way street than that book made you believe.
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Breakdown four.
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When you're overwhelmed by emotion, your ability to express what's coming up for you is just not happening.
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We went deep on this a couple of weeks back in episode 14.
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You're not overreacting, you're flooded.
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Why you overexplain, shut down, and apologize anyway.
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So I'll keep it short.
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When conflict heats up, your threat system fires, and the part of your brain that does careful, fair, articulate analysis of what's going down gets drowned out.
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And in a neurodivergent brain carrying rejection sensitivity, that alarm fires faster and louder.
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So telling someone to use precise emotional language during a fight is like handing someone the fine print during a fire alarm.
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The words are all fuzzy because you're honestly just really focused on trying to get out of there alive.
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And now the layer that's specific to us, ladies.
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The female version of all four of these is worse.
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And here's why.
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If your nervous system runs the fawn response, appease, accommodate, keep everyone comfortable, then under pressure, you don't just go blank.
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Something worse happens.
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Words come out and they're agreeable, and they're not true.
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No, it's fine.
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You're right.
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I'm just tired.
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That's the sticky part.
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You look like you communicated.
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Your partner walks away thinking the conversation happened, and the actual thing, the real thing you're feeling deep down, never got said out loud.
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So the problem doesn't get solved, it gets postponed.
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You've spent your whole life translating for everyone else, reading the room, catching the shift in someone's tone, working out what they needed before they asked.
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You're honestly an excellent communicator.
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You're so practiced at it.
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You've just been doing it entirely in one direction, outward, on everyone else's behalf for decades.
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Part two.
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So what does actually work?
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Here's the reframe I want you to grasp.
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Better communication is not a skill you're missing.
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It's something that's dependent on conditions you haven't been given.
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I'll say that one again because it's important that you get this.
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It's not a skill you're missing.
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It's based on conditions you haven't been given.
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Because when the conditions are right, you communicate beautifully.
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You know you do.
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You've written the text message that made someone cry.
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You've explained something to a friend at midnight when she really needed you to show up for her with total clarity.
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You've composed entire flawless paragraphs in the car on your way to that uber important meeting.
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The words exist.
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They just don't turn up on demand out loud, under pressure, on a neurotypical schedule.
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So the fix isn't try harder to do the impossible thing.
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The fix is changing these three conditions: time, format, and target.
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Here's the tool.
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The three swaps.
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Swap one, swap the timing.
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A delayed answer is still an answer.
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This is the one you have to believe, or none of the rest works.
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The problem is that I don't know lands like a door slamming.
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So don't say I don't know on its own ever again.
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Say I don't know yet.
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And then add the return time.
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Here are the actual words you can use.
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I want to give you a real answer, not a fast one.
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I'm gonna think about it, and then can we talk tomorrow about it again after dinner?
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My brain needs a minute to catch up.
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I'm not brushing you off.
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Just give me till tomorrow morning and I'll have something to share.
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I'm not shutting you out.
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I'm still trying to figure out what's coming up for me.
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The return time is doing all the work here.
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A pause with a return time is processing.
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A pause with no return time can make your partner feel abandoned and hopeless.
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Your partner can wait a very long time if they know the waiting ends with knowing how to show up for you in a way that supports your relationship, makes you happy, and gives them the gold star of best partner ever.
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The key is to make sure you follow through.
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If you say tomorrow morning, come back tomorrow morning.
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Every single time you come back when you said you would, you're teaching both nervous systems that waiting is safe.
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That waiting ultimately leads to positive outcomes.
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Swap two.
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Swap the format.
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Speech is only one option for how to communicate.
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And for a lot of us, it's genuinely the hardest one.
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So stop insisting on the hardest one being the only way this can happen.
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Try writing it.
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A note, a text, a shared document you add to and take away and build together.
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Writing gives you the things speech takes away.
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Time to revise.
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No face to read while you're trying to talk, no clock running as you try to find the words.
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You can also try moving.
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Have the hard conversation on a walk.
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Side by side beats face to face for a huge number of neurodivergent people because you're not spending 60% of your processing power monitoring their expression and running interpretations and trying to figure out if that eyebrow was surprised or mad or anxious.
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Also, the movement itself helps if you're easily overwhelmed by your feels.
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You can move the energy through your body.
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Try a different room, a different time, a lower stakes moment, in the car, while doing dishes, anywhere your hands are busy and nobody's staring at you, waiting for you to answer.
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And try being mindful of capacity.
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Big topics do not go well at 11 at night at the end of a long day when everyone's battery is at 4%.
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That's not the time for honesty.
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That's the time for tea, a good book, and bed.
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None of that is avoiding the conversation.
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It's staging the conversation in a way that optimizes the chances it'll go well and actually lead to positive change.
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Swap three.
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Swap the target.
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Stop trying to name the feeling.
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Aim at something you can actually hit.
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If the feeling word won't come, you're not stuck there.
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You just need a different target.
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There are three other ones, and any of them gives your partner more than I don't know.
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Target one, your body.
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What are you physically noticing?
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My chest is tight.
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I've gone hot.
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I feel like I want to leave the room.
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No interpretation needed.
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Just saying out loud what's happening inside you.
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You don't have to jump from what's happening inside you to what it means.
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Just verbalize it.
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Target two, focus on the moment.
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What do you notice?
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When you said that thing about my sister, something changed in me.
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You're not accusing them of anything.
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You're talking about what you notice in yourself.
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Just notice it.
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Again, you don't have to put meaning into it.
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Just start with noticing it.
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Target three, explore the need, however small it may be.
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I don't know what I feel, but I know I don't want to keep talking about it sitting down right now.
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I know I want to stay in the room, but I just need silence for a little bit.
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I know I need the TV off because it's making it really hard to think right now.
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Explore the need, however small it may be.
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So the whole sentence becomes I can't name the feeling yet.
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Here's what I do know.
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And then you give them one of the three.
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I can't name it yet.
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Here's what I know.
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My chest went tight when the plans changed, and I know I need 10 minutes to just bring myself back down right now.
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Look at what that gives them compared to, I don't know.
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That's real information.
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It's honest.
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It doesn't require you to have a vocabulary you don't have, and it's completely true, which matters because the Fon version, no, it's fine.
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Is self-abandonment wrapped up in a pretty I'm supposed to manage your feelings right now package?
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One more thing and then we'll wrap up.
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Preload the placeholder phrase.
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Pick one short sentence now.
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Today, while you're calm, that means I'm still here, I'm just processing.
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What are if it's for you?
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I'm going to think about it.
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Can you give me a few minutes?
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My words are gone right now, but I just need time to figure this out.
00:16:44.320 --> 00:16:49.759
Then when the moment comes and speech has left the building, you don't have to compose anything.
00:16:49.919 --> 00:16:57.360
You just say the thing you've already rehearsed because we both know how good you are at rehearsing a conversation 47 times in your head.
00:16:58.080 --> 00:17:00.799
That's not being fake, that's being prepared.
00:17:00.960 --> 00:17:04.079
Every professional who speaks under pressure has prepared lines.
00:17:04.319 --> 00:17:06.720
You're allowed to have some preparation too.
00:17:06.960 --> 00:17:14.319
Something I find myself saying to my neurodivergent clients all the time: the goal isn't to stop yourself from rehearsing as if it's a problem to fix.
00:17:14.559 --> 00:17:23.119
The goal is to use that natural tendency strategically to help lessen your anxiety around whatever social situation you're about to walk into.
00:17:23.759 --> 00:17:29.200
Brene Brown, Michelle Obama, Greta Thunberg, they don't waltz on stage without rehearsing.
00:17:29.359 --> 00:17:30.640
Rehearsing isn't bad.
00:17:30.799 --> 00:17:35.279
It simply needs to be used strategically to address anxiety rather than fuel it.
00:17:36.160 --> 00:17:38.160
Okay, now here's a key part.
00:17:38.319 --> 00:17:39.839
So listen up, my friends.
00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:43.759
Every one of these swaps needs your partner to know what's happening.
00:17:44.000 --> 00:17:48.559
If you disappear for 20 minutes and they don't know your processing, they'll fill in the blank.
00:17:48.720 --> 00:17:51.759
And the blank they fill in is almost never generous.
00:17:52.000 --> 00:17:56.720
So they need to know what's going on, which is exactly why my free workbook exists.
00:17:56.880 --> 00:17:59.119
It's called How to Feel Understood in Love.
00:17:59.200 --> 00:18:00.799
And it's a two-way love map.
00:18:00.960 --> 00:18:11.839
You each fill in your side of the story, how you process, what your quiet means, what you need when things get hard, and then you exchange answers and chat about what showing up differently for each other means.
00:18:12.079 --> 00:18:13.759
And I built it that way on purpose.
00:18:14.000 --> 00:18:16.000
Communication is a two-way street.
00:18:16.240 --> 00:18:20.240
Get it free at JennaDalton.com forward slash lovemap.
00:18:20.319 --> 00:18:24.319
That's Jenadalton.com forward slash lovemap.
00:18:24.720 --> 00:18:28.319
Okay, here's what I want you to take from our hangout today.
00:18:28.559 --> 00:18:30.240
You're not a bad communicator.
00:18:30.480 --> 00:18:43.839
You're a deep processor with a fuzzy translation guide who has been asked your entire life to perform a fast, verbal, face-to-face version of a thing your brain does slowly, internally, and with intentional depth.
00:18:44.000 --> 00:18:48.640
And when that didn't work, everyone told you to try harder at the thing that was never going to work.
00:18:48.799 --> 00:18:50.640
So here's your permission slip.
00:18:50.799 --> 00:18:52.160
You're allowed to answer late.
00:18:52.319 --> 00:18:54.559
You're allowed to write it instead of saying it out loud.
00:18:54.720 --> 00:18:58.960
You're allowed to say, I can't name it right now, but here's what I do know.
00:18:59.119 --> 00:19:05.279
You're allowed to stop performing, I'm fine, and start telling the truth in a way that feels true for you.
00:19:05.519 --> 00:19:07.519
That's communication at its finest.
00:19:07.680 --> 00:19:15.759
When your partner really gets you, even if you got there in a way that has neurotypical people saying, Huh, I don't get it.
00:19:16.160 --> 00:19:17.119
You get it.
00:19:17.359 --> 00:19:18.640
That's what matters.
00:19:18.880 --> 00:19:27.279
So pick one swap this week, just one, and go do the workbook together at jenadalton.com forward slash love map.
00:19:27.519 --> 00:19:29.599
Thanks for spending this bit of your day with me.
00:19:29.839 --> 00:19:34.720
Remember, you deserve to feel truly understood and deeply loved.
00:19:34.880 --> 00:19:36.559
I'll talk to you soon.
00:00:00.080 --> 00:00:05.679
You're sitting on the couch and your partner turns to you and says, Well, what do you need from me?
00:00:06.000 --> 00:00:06.799
They care.
00:00:07.040 --> 00:00:07.919
They want to know.
00:00:08.080 --> 00:00:09.039
They're trying.
00:00:09.199 --> 00:00:14.960
This is them doing the good thing that the podcast and the book and the couples counselor all told them to do.
00:00:15.199 --> 00:00:16.800
And you've got nothing.
00:00:17.120 --> 00:00:18.640
You can feel something.
00:00:18.800 --> 00:00:23.280
There's absolutely something happening in your chest or your stomach or your throat.
00:00:23.440 --> 00:00:28.960
But if someone offered you a thousand dollars right now to name it in one word, you couldn't do it.
00:00:29.120 --> 00:00:34.960
There's just a shape there, pressure, heat, a weight, but no label you can grasp.
00:00:35.200 --> 00:00:38.240
So you say the sentence you know they don't want to hear.
00:00:38.560 --> 00:00:39.759
I don't know.
00:00:40.159 --> 00:00:48.079
And you watch their face do the thing, the little flicker, because I don't know sounds like I won't tell you.
00:00:48.240 --> 00:00:49.600
It sounds like resistance.
00:00:49.759 --> 00:00:51.439
It sounds like you're holding out.
00:00:51.679 --> 00:00:53.520
It sounds like you don't care.
00:00:53.920 --> 00:00:56.399
And then somebody somewhere says the line.
00:00:56.640 --> 00:01:01.679
Maybe a therapist, maybe your mother, maybe an Instagram carousel with a nice font.
00:01:02.000 --> 00:01:04.640
You two just need to communicate your needs better.
00:01:04.799 --> 00:01:07.439
Directly, clearly, kindly.
00:01:07.760 --> 00:01:08.400
Cool.
00:01:08.879 --> 00:01:09.519
Great.
00:01:10.000 --> 00:01:10.879
Thanks.
00:01:11.200 --> 00:01:11.840
How?
00:01:12.719 --> 00:01:16.560
Today I'm going to explain exactly why that advice fails you.
00:01:16.719 --> 00:01:26.159
Not because you're bad at communicating, because that advice is asking you to do something your brain in that particular moment is not able to do.
00:01:26.400 --> 00:01:30.159
And then I'm going to give you what actually works instead.
00:01:30.560 --> 00:01:32.799
This is the Neurodivergent Love Lab.
00:01:33.040 --> 00:01:36.159
I'm Jenna Dalton, a psychologist who's Audie HD.
00:01:36.319 --> 00:01:42.400
I help ADHD, autistic, and Aud woman feel truly understood and deeply loved.
00:01:42.560 --> 00:01:44.400
And this is episode 16.
00:01:44.640 --> 00:01:49.280
Just communicate your needs better is not a helpful strategy.
00:02:16.159 --> 00:02:18.479
Not because communication doesn't matter.
00:02:18.719 --> 00:02:20.960
It matters enormously.
00:02:21.280 --> 00:02:24.240
But communicate better isn't a strategy.
00:02:24.400 --> 00:02:27.280
It's a hashtag designed to work for neurotypical brains.
00:02:27.439 --> 00:02:33.199
So we're gonna flip it upside down and sideways and make it work for your neurodivergent brain.
00:02:33.439 --> 00:02:37.360
So here's what that advice is secretly asking you to do.
00:02:37.599 --> 00:02:45.680
Let's pull it apart because I think once you see what's hiding inside it, you'll stop feeling like a failure for not being able to follow it.
00:02:45.919 --> 00:02:48.960
Just communicate your needs better and its cousins.
00:02:49.199 --> 00:02:50.240
Use your words.
00:02:50.479 --> 00:02:53.919
Tell them what you hope for, just be honest about your feelings.
00:02:54.159 --> 00:02:58.960
All quietly assume five things are true about you.
00:02:59.360 --> 00:03:02.800
One, that you have access to your feelings in real time.
00:03:03.199 --> 00:03:06.159
Two, that you have words for them.
00:03:06.479 --> 00:03:10.879
Three, that you can produce those words out loud immediately.
00:03:11.199 --> 00:03:18.080
Four, that you can do all of that while someone is upset or at the very least staring at you, waiting for an answer.
00:03:18.400 --> 00:03:24.639
Five, that your body will cooperate and it will all magically come together seamlessly.
00:03:25.039 --> 00:03:26.319
Five assumptions.
00:03:26.560 --> 00:03:32.639
And for a lot of neurodivergent women, some or all of these are challenging on a good day.
00:03:32.879 --> 00:03:41.360
You're flooded with overwhelming stimulation and you're expected to verbalize what's going on for you while your tongue has suddenly grown three sizes and your throat is closing.
00:03:41.599 --> 00:03:44.800
Yes, that sounds like a very doable thing.
00:03:45.520 --> 00:03:50.719
So when you can't do it, you don't say, huh, that advice didn't fit my brain.
00:03:50.960 --> 00:03:56.800
You say, I'm bad at relationships because I shut down and can't say the thing I'm supposed to say.
00:03:57.039 --> 00:04:07.360
Because the advice arrived with such confidence from such a trustworthy looking source that when it doesn't work, the only plausible explanation is that it's you.
00:04:07.759 --> 00:04:09.120
You're the problem.
00:04:09.919 --> 00:04:11.919
Can I give you a reframe here?
00:04:12.240 --> 00:04:13.520
It's not you.
00:04:14.080 --> 00:04:18.399
Let me show you exactly why I know that to be true.
00:04:18.959 --> 00:04:21.920
The four reasons this doesn't work for you.
00:04:22.160 --> 00:04:22.720
Part one.
00:04:23.120 --> 00:04:24.399
The four breakdowns.
00:04:24.800 --> 00:04:32.399
Let's talk about how this strategy isn't neurodivergent affirming and how it breaks down before you can even get it on the road.
00:04:32.800 --> 00:04:34.000
Breakdown one.
00:04:34.560 --> 00:04:39.920
Processing takes time, and time is not something that you're typically given in these moments.
00:04:40.079 --> 00:04:43.680
You're expected to just know right now we're waiting.
00:04:43.920 --> 00:04:48.160
A lot of neurodivergent brains process deeply rather than quickly.
00:04:48.319 --> 00:04:54.480
So when a hard topic lands on you out of nowhere, your brain needs to disengage from whatever it was doing.
00:04:54.720 --> 00:05:02.800
Load the new thing in the disk drive, hit start, let it warm up for a little while, wait for it to run properly, and then get back to you.
00:05:02.959 --> 00:05:04.720
That's not you being avoidant.
00:05:04.879 --> 00:05:06.399
That's not you being difficult.
00:05:06.560 --> 00:05:10.879
That's you being asked to process at a much higher rate than you're capable of.
00:05:11.120 --> 00:05:13.199
And here's the cost of that in real life.
00:05:13.439 --> 00:05:17.279
You say, I don't know, and the conversation moves on.
00:05:17.439 --> 00:05:23.519
And 40 minutes later, in the shower, the entire perfect answer arrives, fully formed.
00:05:23.680 --> 00:05:31.360
Every word, and it's too late because the conversation's over, and everyone's decided you simply don't care enough to share what's coming up for you.
00:05:31.680 --> 00:05:32.879
Breakdown two.
00:05:33.439 --> 00:05:35.199
You may not have the words.
00:05:35.519 --> 00:05:38.879
Actually, genuinely not have them.
00:05:39.120 --> 00:05:43.839
This is Alexathymia, which we touched on last week, and it's worth mentioning again.
00:05:44.000 --> 00:05:50.480
Alexathymia means difficulty identifying and naming your own emotions, not the absence of emotion.
00:05:50.720 --> 00:05:52.639
You've got plenty of emotion.
00:05:52.879 --> 00:05:53.600
I get it.
00:05:53.839 --> 00:05:54.800
I do too.
00:05:55.040 --> 00:05:56.079
Loads of it.
00:05:56.240 --> 00:05:58.879
You just can't seem to stick a label onto it.
00:05:59.120 --> 00:06:03.439
And here's the tricky thing: your body knows the signal is there.
00:06:03.680 --> 00:06:09.040
The tight jaw, hot face, that heavy pull on your shoulders, that weird feeling behind your eyes.
00:06:09.279 --> 00:06:17.920
What's missing is the translation that turns heavy pull behind my eyes into I feel unseen and misunderstood.
00:06:18.160 --> 00:06:24.480
So when someone says, just tell me how you feel, they think they've asked you to report something you're well aware that you're holding.
00:06:24.639 --> 00:06:33.759
What they've actually asked you to do is perform a translation live at what feels like hyperspeed, using a language you were never taught.
00:06:34.079 --> 00:06:40.319
Breakdown three, the double empathy problem, which puts the whole thing in a completely different light.
00:06:40.560 --> 00:06:43.519
This one's from an autistic researcher called Damien Milton.
00:06:43.920 --> 00:06:47.439
The old story said autistic people are bad at reading other people.
00:06:47.600 --> 00:06:51.040
One directional, her deficit, her job to fix.
00:06:51.279 --> 00:06:57.600
Milton said, hang on, when two people with different neurotypes misunderstand each other, that's mutual.
00:06:57.759 --> 00:07:02.319
You're both struggling to read someone who processes and expresses things differently from you.
00:07:02.480 --> 00:07:06.959
And a study a couple of years ago backed this up in a way I find really satisfying.
00:07:07.199 --> 00:07:17.439
When researchers looked at conversations, non-autistic observers rated the mixed conversations when there was an autistic person and a non-autistic person as the least smooth.
00:07:17.600 --> 00:07:22.079
They seemed to be talking past each other and neither of them were understanding what the heck was going on.
00:07:22.319 --> 00:07:25.839
But two autistic people talking to each other, they got it.
00:07:26.000 --> 00:07:27.199
They did fine.
00:07:27.439 --> 00:07:31.040
Which tells you the breakdown isn't sitting inside the autistic person.
00:07:31.279 --> 00:07:34.560
We know how to interpret the conversation when we're chatting with each other.
00:07:34.800 --> 00:07:47.439
The miscommunication happens when you get a neurotypical and neurodivergent person in the room and essentially try to force the one person to understand West Coast slang while the other one needs to know how to interpret East Coast slang.
00:07:47.600 --> 00:07:50.800
They're both speaking English, just a different version of it.
00:07:50.959 --> 00:07:55.199
And that reframes you need to communicate better completely.
00:07:55.439 --> 00:07:59.680
Because that advice puts 100% of the work on one person.
00:08:00.160 --> 00:08:12.319
Usually you, the neurodivergent person, the one who's already doing all the translating in the relationship, and in her family, and at her job, and has been doing so since she was that little girl that everyone thought was quirky and weird.
00:08:12.560 --> 00:08:16.240
You don't have to be the only one who needs to just communicate better.
00:08:16.399 --> 00:08:19.519
It's much more of a two-way street than that book made you believe.
00:08:19.839 --> 00:08:21.199
Breakdown four.
00:08:21.439 --> 00:08:27.839
When you're overwhelmed by emotion, your ability to express what's coming up for you is just not happening.
00:08:28.000 --> 00:08:31.120
We went deep on this a couple of weeks back in episode 14.
00:08:31.360 --> 00:08:33.360
You're not overreacting, you're flooded.
00:08:33.440 --> 00:08:36.799
Why you overexplain, shut down, and apologize anyway.
00:08:37.039 --> 00:08:38.480
So I'll keep it short.
00:08:38.639 --> 00:08:47.759
When conflict heats up, your threat system fires, and the part of your brain that does careful, fair, articulate analysis of what's going down gets drowned out.
00:08:47.919 --> 00:08:54.320
And in a neurodivergent brain carrying rejection sensitivity, that alarm fires faster and louder.
00:08:54.559 --> 00:09:01.360
So telling someone to use precise emotional language during a fight is like handing someone the fine print during a fire alarm.
00:09:01.519 --> 00:09:06.559
The words are all fuzzy because you're honestly just really focused on trying to get out of there alive.
00:09:06.799 --> 00:09:09.519
And now the layer that's specific to us, ladies.
00:09:09.679 --> 00:09:12.559
The female version of all four of these is worse.
00:09:12.639 --> 00:09:13.759
And here's why.
00:09:14.000 --> 00:09:22.080
If your nervous system runs the fawn response, appease, accommodate, keep everyone comfortable, then under pressure, you don't just go blank.
00:09:22.320 --> 00:09:23.919
Something worse happens.
00:09:24.159 --> 00:09:28.799
Words come out and they're agreeable, and they're not true.
00:09:29.279 --> 00:09:31.039
No, it's fine.
00:09:31.360 --> 00:09:32.480
You're right.
00:09:33.200 --> 00:09:34.639
I'm just tired.
00:09:34.879 --> 00:09:36.159
That's the sticky part.
00:09:36.399 --> 00:09:38.000
You look like you communicated.
00:09:38.159 --> 00:09:46.240
Your partner walks away thinking the conversation happened, and the actual thing, the real thing you're feeling deep down, never got said out loud.
00:09:46.480 --> 00:09:49.360
So the problem doesn't get solved, it gets postponed.
00:09:49.600 --> 00:09:57.360
You've spent your whole life translating for everyone else, reading the room, catching the shift in someone's tone, working out what they needed before they asked.
00:09:57.600 --> 00:10:00.320
You're honestly an excellent communicator.
00:10:00.559 --> 00:10:02.720
You're so practiced at it.
00:10:02.960 --> 00:10:09.360
You've just been doing it entirely in one direction, outward, on everyone else's behalf for decades.
00:10:10.159 --> 00:10:10.960
Part two.
00:10:11.600 --> 00:10:13.759
So what does actually work?
00:10:13.919 --> 00:10:16.399
Here's the reframe I want you to grasp.
00:10:16.639 --> 00:10:20.000
Better communication is not a skill you're missing.
00:10:20.240 --> 00:10:24.000
It's something that's dependent on conditions you haven't been given.
00:10:24.159 --> 00:10:28.240
I'll say that one again because it's important that you get this.
00:10:28.559 --> 00:10:30.879
It's not a skill you're missing.
00:10:31.200 --> 00:10:35.360
It's based on conditions you haven't been given.
00:10:35.679 --> 00:10:39.840
Because when the conditions are right, you communicate beautifully.
00:10:40.000 --> 00:10:41.039
You know you do.
00:10:41.200 --> 00:10:44.480
You've written the text message that made someone cry.
00:10:44.720 --> 00:10:50.799
You've explained something to a friend at midnight when she really needed you to show up for her with total clarity.
00:10:51.120 --> 00:10:58.000
You've composed entire flawless paragraphs in the car on your way to that uber important meeting.
00:10:58.240 --> 00:10:59.519
The words exist.
00:11:00.080 --> 00:11:05.279
They just don't turn up on demand out loud, under pressure, on a neurotypical schedule.
00:11:05.519 --> 00:11:09.279
So the fix isn't try harder to do the impossible thing.
00:11:09.440 --> 00:11:15.519
The fix is changing these three conditions: time, format, and target.
00:11:16.159 --> 00:11:17.440
Here's the tool.
00:11:17.679 --> 00:11:19.600
The three swaps.
00:11:19.840 --> 00:11:22.720
Swap one, swap the timing.
00:11:22.960 --> 00:11:25.679
A delayed answer is still an answer.
00:11:25.840 --> 00:11:29.200
This is the one you have to believe, or none of the rest works.
00:11:29.440 --> 00:11:32.960
The problem is that I don't know lands like a door slamming.
00:11:33.279 --> 00:11:36.879
So don't say I don't know on its own ever again.
00:11:37.200 --> 00:11:40.320
Say I don't know yet.
00:11:40.639 --> 00:11:42.320
And then add the return time.
00:11:42.480 --> 00:11:44.559
Here are the actual words you can use.
00:11:44.799 --> 00:11:47.440
I want to give you a real answer, not a fast one.
00:11:47.679 --> 00:11:51.919
I'm gonna think about it, and then can we talk tomorrow about it again after dinner?
00:11:52.320 --> 00:11:54.080
My brain needs a minute to catch up.
00:11:54.159 --> 00:11:55.440
I'm not brushing you off.
00:11:55.519 --> 00:11:58.799
Just give me till tomorrow morning and I'll have something to share.
00:11:59.039 --> 00:12:00.399
I'm not shutting you out.
00:12:00.480 --> 00:12:02.960
I'm still trying to figure out what's coming up for me.
00:12:03.200 --> 00:12:05.600
The return time is doing all the work here.
00:12:05.840 --> 00:12:08.480
A pause with a return time is processing.
00:12:08.639 --> 00:12:12.320
A pause with no return time can make your partner feel abandoned and hopeless.
00:12:12.480 --> 00:12:25.279
Your partner can wait a very long time if they know the waiting ends with knowing how to show up for you in a way that supports your relationship, makes you happy, and gives them the gold star of best partner ever.
00:12:25.600 --> 00:12:27.919
The key is to make sure you follow through.
00:12:28.159 --> 00:12:31.360
If you say tomorrow morning, come back tomorrow morning.
00:12:31.519 --> 00:12:38.080
Every single time you come back when you said you would, you're teaching both nervous systems that waiting is safe.
00:12:38.320 --> 00:12:41.840
That waiting ultimately leads to positive outcomes.
00:12:42.159 --> 00:12:43.120
Swap two.
00:12:43.519 --> 00:12:45.039
Swap the format.
00:12:45.360 --> 00:12:48.559
Speech is only one option for how to communicate.
00:12:48.720 --> 00:12:51.679
And for a lot of us, it's genuinely the hardest one.
00:12:51.840 --> 00:12:55.279
So stop insisting on the hardest one being the only way this can happen.
00:12:55.519 --> 00:12:56.559
Try writing it.
00:12:56.799 --> 00:13:01.519
A note, a text, a shared document you add to and take away and build together.
00:13:01.759 --> 00:13:04.559
Writing gives you the things speech takes away.
00:13:04.879 --> 00:13:06.320
Time to revise.
00:13:06.559 --> 00:13:11.440
No face to read while you're trying to talk, no clock running as you try to find the words.
00:13:11.679 --> 00:13:13.440
You can also try moving.
00:13:13.600 --> 00:13:15.679
Have the hard conversation on a walk.
00:13:15.919 --> 00:13:30.240
Side by side beats face to face for a huge number of neurodivergent people because you're not spending 60% of your processing power monitoring their expression and running interpretations and trying to figure out if that eyebrow was surprised or mad or anxious.
00:13:30.559 --> 00:13:35.279
Also, the movement itself helps if you're easily overwhelmed by your feels.
00:13:35.440 --> 00:13:38.960
You can move the energy through your body.
00:13:39.600 --> 00:13:50.720
Try a different room, a different time, a lower stakes moment, in the car, while doing dishes, anywhere your hands are busy and nobody's staring at you, waiting for you to answer.
00:13:50.879 --> 00:13:53.200
And try being mindful of capacity.
00:13:53.440 --> 00:14:00.559
Big topics do not go well at 11 at night at the end of a long day when everyone's battery is at 4%.
00:14:01.200 --> 00:14:03.039
That's not the time for honesty.
00:14:03.200 --> 00:14:05.919
That's the time for tea, a good book, and bed.
00:14:06.240 --> 00:14:08.399
None of that is avoiding the conversation.
00:14:08.559 --> 00:14:16.720
It's staging the conversation in a way that optimizes the chances it'll go well and actually lead to positive change.
00:14:17.919 --> 00:14:19.120
Swap three.
00:14:19.279 --> 00:14:20.559
Swap the target.
00:14:20.799 --> 00:14:22.879
Stop trying to name the feeling.
00:14:23.039 --> 00:14:25.679
Aim at something you can actually hit.
00:14:26.559 --> 00:14:30.000
If the feeling word won't come, you're not stuck there.
00:14:30.159 --> 00:14:31.759
You just need a different target.
00:14:32.000 --> 00:14:37.200
There are three other ones, and any of them gives your partner more than I don't know.
00:14:38.159 --> 00:14:40.240
Target one, your body.
00:14:40.480 --> 00:14:42.159
What are you physically noticing?
00:14:42.399 --> 00:14:43.519
My chest is tight.
00:14:43.679 --> 00:14:44.559
I've gone hot.
00:14:44.720 --> 00:14:46.320
I feel like I want to leave the room.
00:14:46.559 --> 00:14:47.759
No interpretation needed.
00:14:47.919 --> 00:14:50.159
Just saying out loud what's happening inside you.
00:14:50.320 --> 00:14:53.759
You don't have to jump from what's happening inside you to what it means.
00:14:54.080 --> 00:14:55.440
Just verbalize it.
00:14:56.080 --> 00:14:58.879
Target two, focus on the moment.
00:14:59.120 --> 00:15:00.320
What do you notice?
00:15:00.879 --> 00:15:04.720
When you said that thing about my sister, something changed in me.
00:15:05.039 --> 00:15:06.639
You're not accusing them of anything.
00:15:06.799 --> 00:15:08.879
You're talking about what you notice in yourself.
00:15:09.440 --> 00:15:10.480
Just notice it.
00:15:10.720 --> 00:15:13.279
Again, you don't have to put meaning into it.
00:15:13.519 --> 00:15:15.039
Just start with noticing it.
00:15:16.559 --> 00:15:21.360
Target three, explore the need, however small it may be.
00:15:21.919 --> 00:15:27.039
I don't know what I feel, but I know I don't want to keep talking about it sitting down right now.
00:15:27.679 --> 00:15:31.840
I know I want to stay in the room, but I just need silence for a little bit.
00:15:32.320 --> 00:15:37.120
I know I need the TV off because it's making it really hard to think right now.
00:15:37.600 --> 00:15:40.639
Explore the need, however small it may be.
00:15:41.200 --> 00:15:45.600
So the whole sentence becomes I can't name the feeling yet.
00:15:45.919 --> 00:15:47.679
Here's what I do know.
00:15:47.919 --> 00:15:49.919
And then you give them one of the three.
00:15:50.159 --> 00:15:51.360
I can't name it yet.
00:15:51.519 --> 00:15:52.320
Here's what I know.
00:15:52.480 --> 00:15:58.720
My chest went tight when the plans changed, and I know I need 10 minutes to just bring myself back down right now.
00:15:59.279 --> 00:16:02.639
Look at what that gives them compared to, I don't know.
00:16:02.879 --> 00:16:04.240
That's real information.
00:16:04.399 --> 00:16:05.120
It's honest.
00:16:05.279 --> 00:16:15.039
It doesn't require you to have a vocabulary you don't have, and it's completely true, which matters because the Fon version, no, it's fine.
00:16:15.279 --> 00:16:21.039
Is self-abandonment wrapped up in a pretty I'm supposed to manage your feelings right now package?
00:16:21.600 --> 00:16:24.080
One more thing and then we'll wrap up.
00:16:24.399 --> 00:16:27.120
Preload the placeholder phrase.
00:16:27.360 --> 00:16:29.600
Pick one short sentence now.
00:16:29.759 --> 00:16:35.200
Today, while you're calm, that means I'm still here, I'm just processing.
00:16:35.440 --> 00:16:36.960
What are if it's for you?
00:16:37.200 --> 00:16:38.720
I'm going to think about it.
00:16:39.039 --> 00:16:40.559
Can you give me a few minutes?
00:16:40.720 --> 00:16:44.080
My words are gone right now, but I just need time to figure this out.
00:16:44.320 --> 00:16:49.759
Then when the moment comes and speech has left the building, you don't have to compose anything.
00:16:49.919 --> 00:16:57.360
You just say the thing you've already rehearsed because we both know how good you are at rehearsing a conversation 47 times in your head.
00:16:58.080 --> 00:17:00.799
That's not being fake, that's being prepared.
00:17:00.960 --> 00:17:04.079
Every professional who speaks under pressure has prepared lines.
00:17:04.319 --> 00:17:06.720
You're allowed to have some preparation too.
00:17:06.960 --> 00:17:14.319
Something I find myself saying to my neurodivergent clients all the time: the goal isn't to stop yourself from rehearsing as if it's a problem to fix.
00:17:14.559 --> 00:17:23.119
The goal is to use that natural tendency strategically to help lessen your anxiety around whatever social situation you're about to walk into.
00:17:23.759 --> 00:17:29.200
Brene Brown, Michelle Obama, Greta Thunberg, they don't waltz on stage without rehearsing.
00:17:29.359 --> 00:17:30.640
Rehearsing isn't bad.
00:17:30.799 --> 00:17:35.279
It simply needs to be used strategically to address anxiety rather than fuel it.
00:17:36.160 --> 00:17:38.160
Okay, now here's a key part.
00:17:38.319 --> 00:17:39.839
So listen up, my friends.
00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:43.759
Every one of these swaps needs your partner to know what's happening.
00:17:44.000 --> 00:17:48.559
If you disappear for 20 minutes and they don't know your processing, they'll fill in the blank.
00:17:48.720 --> 00:17:51.759
And the blank they fill in is almost never generous.
00:17:52.000 --> 00:17:56.720
So they need to know what's going on, which is exactly why my free workbook exists.
00:17:56.880 --> 00:17:59.119
It's called How to Feel Understood in Love.
00:17:59.200 --> 00:18:00.799
And it's a two-way love map.
00:18:00.960 --> 00:18:11.839
You each fill in your side of the story, how you process, what your quiet means, what you need when things get hard, and then you exchange answers and chat about what showing up differently for each other means.
00:18:12.079 --> 00:18:13.759
And I built it that way on purpose.
00:18:14.000 --> 00:18:16.000
Communication is a two-way street.
00:18:16.240 --> 00:18:20.240
Get it free at JennaDalton.com forward slash lovemap.
00:18:20.319 --> 00:18:24.319
That's Jenadalton.com forward slash lovemap.
00:18:24.720 --> 00:18:28.319
Okay, here's what I want you to take from our hangout today.
00:18:28.559 --> 00:18:30.240
You're not a bad communicator.
00:18:30.480 --> 00:18:43.839
You're a deep processor with a fuzzy translation guide who has been asked your entire life to perform a fast, verbal, face-to-face version of a thing your brain does slowly, internally, and with intentional depth.
00:18:44.000 --> 00:18:48.640
And when that didn't work, everyone told you to try harder at the thing that was never going to work.
00:18:48.799 --> 00:18:50.640
So here's your permission slip.
00:18:50.799 --> 00:18:52.160
You're allowed to answer late.
00:18:52.319 --> 00:18:54.559
You're allowed to write it instead of saying it out loud.
00:18:54.720 --> 00:18:58.960
You're allowed to say, I can't name it right now, but here's what I do know.
00:18:59.119 --> 00:19:05.279
You're allowed to stop performing, I'm fine, and start telling the truth in a way that feels true for you.
00:19:05.519 --> 00:19:07.519
That's communication at its finest.
00:19:07.680 --> 00:19:15.759
When your partner really gets you, even if you got there in a way that has neurotypical people saying, Huh, I don't get it.
00:19:16.160 --> 00:19:17.119
You get it.
00:19:17.359 --> 00:19:18.640
That's what matters.
00:19:18.880 --> 00:19:27.279
So pick one swap this week, just one, and go do the workbook together at jenadalton.com forward slash love map.
00:19:27.519 --> 00:19:29.599
Thanks for spending this bit of your day with me.
00:19:29.839 --> 00:19:34.720
Remember, you deserve to feel truly understood and deeply loved.
00:19:34.880 --> 00:19:36.559
I'll talk to you soon.
