WEBVTT
1
00:00:05.240 --> 00:00:08.640
I'm Chap Bettis, author of The Disciple-Making Parent, and this
2
00:00:08.720 --> 00:00:11.349
is my audio blog, where I read some of my
3
00:00:11.369 --> 00:00:16.710
blog posts in audio format for your convenience. In today's episode,
4
00:00:16.750 --> 00:00:20.690
we're going to be thinking about why don't we invite input.
5
00:00:21.829 --> 00:00:27.250
I've observed a strange parenting phenomenon. Many parents are reluctant
6
00:00:27.429 --> 00:00:32.000
and even resistant to asking advice about their parenting. While
7
00:00:32.159 --> 00:00:36.100
others can see blind spots, the parents themselves remain, well,
8
00:00:36.140 --> 00:00:40.920
let's just say blind to those blind spots. Often, older
9
00:00:40.979 --> 00:00:45.140
parents or pastors are resistant to mention anything for fear
10
00:00:45.240 --> 00:00:49.170
of being accused of a busybody. J.C. Ryle once observed,
11
00:00:49.210 --> 00:00:54.250
I'd rather correct a man about anything than his parenting. Well,
12
00:00:54.289 --> 00:00:57.630
recently I received an email from an older leader in
13
00:00:57.689 --> 00:01:01.200
another part of the country. It said this, over dinner tonight,
14
00:01:01.240 --> 00:01:03.679
my wife and I were discussing some of the interactions
15
00:01:03.740 --> 00:01:06.239
we've had with parents of young children in our church.
16
00:01:07.120 --> 00:01:09.299
Our goal has always been to encourage and try to
17
00:01:09.340 --> 00:01:13.269
give biblical counsel. Based on our discussion with each other,
18
00:01:13.290 --> 00:01:16.189
I suspect you and your wife have done the same thing.
19
00:01:17.250 --> 00:01:19.430
It's a bit interesting. We've kind of come to the
20
00:01:19.489 --> 00:01:24.090
same conclusion that it seems some are reluctant or resistant
21
00:01:24.189 --> 00:01:28.260
to take our advice in the realm of discipline. I
22
00:01:28.340 --> 00:01:30.359
pondered why this may be and I've come up with
23
00:01:30.400 --> 00:01:34.290
a few theories. Some feel their circumstances are unique and
24
00:01:34.349 --> 00:01:37.489
different from our generation. Or some may be wrapped up
25
00:01:37.530 --> 00:01:41.030
in the teaching of secular psychology. Some may fear being
26
00:01:41.069 --> 00:01:44.810
labeled as abusive by the world. Some may be trying
27
00:01:44.849 --> 00:01:48.790
to gain friendship with their children. Some may not be
28
00:01:48.849 --> 00:01:53.969
willing to admit their inexperience. And finally, some think it
29
00:01:54.019 --> 00:01:58.439
might be easier than it really is. Well, I think
30
00:01:58.480 --> 00:02:02.079
his speculations are spot on, and I'd add three more.
31
00:02:03.120 --> 00:02:05.900
Number one, we have a church culture that doesn't teach
32
00:02:05.959 --> 00:02:10.340
people to ask questions. This is an ongoing observation that's
33
00:02:10.400 --> 00:02:15.219
larger than parenting. Modern discipleship strategy places all the burden
34
00:02:15.319 --> 00:02:20.310
on the more mature Christian. Go disciple someone, we're told. However,
35
00:02:20.610 --> 00:02:23.750
young Christians are not taught that they are disciples, that
36
00:02:23.810 --> 00:02:27.750
is learners, and learners need to actively learn and ask questions.
37
00:02:28.370 --> 00:02:31.009
We find Jesus sitting in the temple and asking questions
38
00:02:31.150 --> 00:02:35.830
of the teachers. This lack of questions is also reflected
39
00:02:35.990 --> 00:02:40.110
in our country's emphasis on youth. The younger don't need
40
00:02:40.349 --> 00:02:44.650
the knowledge of the older. This lack of active learning
41
00:02:44.849 --> 00:02:47.930
is a large church cultural issue, and I don't expect
42
00:02:47.969 --> 00:02:50.870
it to change anytime soon, but it can change little
43
00:02:50.909 --> 00:02:54.909
by little. If you're a younger Christian, actively seek out
44
00:02:55.129 --> 00:02:58.770
older Christians and ask questions. If you're a church leader,
45
00:02:59.129 --> 00:03:03.469
train your younger people to do this. So number one,
46
00:03:03.530 --> 00:03:06.129
a church culture that doesn't teach people to ask questions.
47
00:03:07.150 --> 00:03:11.789
Number two, pride and lack of wisdom. Over and over again,
48
00:03:11.870 --> 00:03:16.060
Proverbs tells us that a wise person asks advice and
49
00:03:16.090 --> 00:03:19.400
a fool is wise in his own eyes. Can we
50
00:03:19.740 --> 00:03:25.960
rephrase that? A wise parent asks advice. A foolish parent
51
00:03:26.340 --> 00:03:30.280
is wise in his own eyes. We could probably put
52
00:03:30.400 --> 00:03:35.129
insecurity here also. Our security is in the gospel and
53
00:03:35.169 --> 00:03:39.189
our identity is in Christ. Unfortunately, it's so common for
54
00:03:39.289 --> 00:03:43.389
parents to find their identity in their children. As a result,
55
00:03:43.610 --> 00:03:47.819
admitting any mistake strikes to the core of their identity.
56
00:03:48.520 --> 00:03:51.379
This blindness doesn't just apply to parents, but lots of
57
00:03:51.439 --> 00:03:55.050
new roles. I've seen New lay elders enthusiastically jump into
58
00:03:55.069 --> 00:03:58.129
their roles without even asking how they can grow in
59
00:03:58.219 --> 00:04:02.780
wisdom and skill. Often, we don't know what we don't know.
60
00:04:03.780 --> 00:04:07.139
God brings situations into our lives so that we'll grow
61
00:04:07.379 --> 00:04:13.770
in wisdom and understanding. Number three, what I would call
62
00:04:13.889 --> 00:04:19.089
post-consumption reinforcement. Social psychologists have made an interesting study of
63
00:04:19.149 --> 00:04:22.149
how people choose between products and how they think afterwards.
64
00:04:22.470 --> 00:04:25.149
For example, if asked to rate how much they like
65
00:04:25.209 --> 00:04:29.069
product A over product B pre-purchase, they might say product
66
00:04:29.170 --> 00:04:32.730
A is 60 to 40 better than product B. However,
67
00:04:33.129 --> 00:04:36.149
after they purchase product A, they might say it was
68
00:04:36.149 --> 00:04:40.560
90 to 10. Why? Well, because we all want to
69
00:04:40.600 --> 00:04:45.920
believe we made the right choice. Similarly, once parents have
70
00:04:45.959 --> 00:04:48.879
had to make choices about anything, whether it's sleep training
71
00:04:48.920 --> 00:04:53.000
or discipline or educational choices, it's harder and harder to
72
00:04:53.060 --> 00:04:56.490
admit that it may have been a mistaken idea. After all,
73
00:04:56.550 --> 00:04:59.649
what's more important to us than our children? It's one
74
00:04:59.689 --> 00:05:02.129
thing to admit that we made a bad choice about, say,
75
00:05:02.149 --> 00:05:05.829
an automobile or a phone. It's another thing to admit
76
00:05:05.910 --> 00:05:11.610
that we have not made some good choices with our children. Well,
77
00:05:11.689 --> 00:05:15.529
I see several applications that fall from this. Number one,
78
00:05:16.089 --> 00:05:19.459
Seek parenting training before you need it. Get ahead of
79
00:05:19.480 --> 00:05:22.480
the curve. Have a game plan before the game starts.
80
00:05:23.019 --> 00:05:24.839
And of course it's going to be adjusted and you'll
81
00:05:24.879 --> 00:05:28.579
modify it, but don't start on this important journey with
82
00:05:28.699 --> 00:05:33.230
no roadmap. If you're a church leader, make every effort
83
00:05:33.410 --> 00:05:37.970
to train your parents before they need it. And number two,
84
00:05:38.430 --> 00:05:41.300
be humble and teachable when you're in the middle of parenting.
85
00:05:42.069 --> 00:05:46.240
Invite corrections from those who know you best. Be willing
86
00:05:46.269 --> 00:05:48.600
to admit that you've been going down the wrong road
87
00:05:48.660 --> 00:05:52.360
and you need to make some corrections. Value obeying the
88
00:05:52.399 --> 00:05:58.500
Lord more than what people think. Ultimately, we trust in
89
00:05:58.560 --> 00:06:02.579
God's good sovereignty. Barring some sort of abuse, we're not
90
00:06:02.620 --> 00:06:05.540
going to mess our children up. If we stay humble
91
00:06:05.600 --> 00:06:09.490
and teachable, the Lord will direct us on this journey
92
00:06:09.610 --> 00:06:13.420
through His Word and through His people. Thank you for
93
00:06:13.459 --> 00:06:17.810
listening to the Disciple Making Parent audio blog. Material like
94
00:06:17.850 --> 00:06:21.910
this can be found in the video course, Parenting with Confidence.
95
00:06:22.629 --> 00:06:26.490
It's our video-driven study on the biblical foundations of parenting,
96
00:06:26.550 --> 00:06:30.470
and it's specifically aimed at parents of young children. You
97
00:06:30.490 --> 00:06:35.569
can find more information on our website or at parentingwithconfidentstudy.com.
98
00:06:36.629 --> 00:06:39.839
Thanks for listening. Thank you.
1
00:00:05.240 --> 00:00:08.640
I'm Chap Bettis, author of The Disciple-Making Parent, and this
2
00:00:08.720 --> 00:00:11.349
is my audio blog, where I read some of my
3
00:00:11.369 --> 00:00:16.710
blog posts in audio format for your convenience. In today's episode,
4
00:00:16.750 --> 00:00:20.690
we're going to be thinking about why don't we invite input.
5
00:00:21.829 --> 00:00:27.250
I've observed a strange parenting phenomenon. Many parents are reluctant
6
00:00:27.429 --> 00:00:32.000
and even resistant to asking advice about their parenting. While
7
00:00:32.159 --> 00:00:36.100
others can see blind spots, the parents themselves remain, well,
8
00:00:36.140 --> 00:00:40.920
let's just say blind to those blind spots. Often, older
9
00:00:40.979 --> 00:00:45.140
parents or pastors are resistant to mention anything for fear
10
00:00:45.240 --> 00:00:49.170
of being accused of a busybody. J.C. Ryle once observed,
11
00:00:49.210 --> 00:00:54.250
I'd rather correct a man about anything than his parenting. Well,
12
00:00:54.289 --> 00:00:57.630
recently I received an email from an older leader in
13
00:00:57.689 --> 00:01:01.200
another part of the country. It said this, over dinner tonight,
14
00:01:01.240 --> 00:01:03.679
my wife and I were discussing some of the interactions
15
00:01:03.740 --> 00:01:06.239
we've had with parents of young children in our church.
16
00:01:07.120 --> 00:01:09.299
Our goal has always been to encourage and try to
17
00:01:09.340 --> 00:01:13.269
give biblical counsel. Based on our discussion with each other,
18
00:01:13.290 --> 00:01:16.189
I suspect you and your wife have done the same thing.
19
00:01:17.250 --> 00:01:19.430
It's a bit interesting. We've kind of come to the
20
00:01:19.489 --> 00:01:24.090
same conclusion that it seems some are reluctant or resistant
21
00:01:24.189 --> 00:01:28.260
to take our advice in the realm of discipline. I
22
00:01:28.340 --> 00:01:30.359
pondered why this may be and I've come up with
23
00:01:30.400 --> 00:01:34.290
a few theories. Some feel their circumstances are unique and
24
00:01:34.349 --> 00:01:37.489
different from our generation. Or some may be wrapped up
25
00:01:37.530 --> 00:01:41.030
in the teaching of secular psychology. Some may fear being
26
00:01:41.069 --> 00:01:44.810
labeled as abusive by the world. Some may be trying
27
00:01:44.849 --> 00:01:48.790
to gain friendship with their children. Some may not be
28
00:01:48.849 --> 00:01:53.969
willing to admit their inexperience. And finally, some think it
29
00:01:54.019 --> 00:01:58.439
might be easier than it really is. Well, I think
30
00:01:58.480 --> 00:02:02.079
his speculations are spot on, and I'd add three more.
31
00:02:03.120 --> 00:02:05.900
Number one, we have a church culture that doesn't teach
32
00:02:05.959 --> 00:02:10.340
people to ask questions. This is an ongoing observation that's
33
00:02:10.400 --> 00:02:15.219
larger than parenting. Modern discipleship strategy places all the burden
34
00:02:15.319 --> 00:02:20.310
on the more mature Christian. Go disciple someone, we're told. However,
35
00:02:20.610 --> 00:02:23.750
young Christians are not taught that they are disciples, that
36
00:02:23.810 --> 00:02:27.750
is learners, and learners need to actively learn and ask questions.
37
00:02:28.370 --> 00:02:31.009
We find Jesus sitting in the temple and asking questions
38
00:02:31.150 --> 00:02:35.830
of the teachers. This lack of questions is also reflected
39
00:02:35.990 --> 00:02:40.110
in our country's emphasis on youth. The younger don't need
40
00:02:40.349 --> 00:02:44.650
the knowledge of the older. This lack of active learning
41
00:02:44.849 --> 00:02:47.930
is a large church cultural issue, and I don't expect
42
00:02:47.969 --> 00:02:50.870
it to change anytime soon, but it can change little
43
00:02:50.909 --> 00:02:54.909
by little. If you're a younger Christian, actively seek out
44
00:02:55.129 --> 00:02:58.770
older Christians and ask questions. If you're a church leader,
45
00:02:59.129 --> 00:03:03.469
train your younger people to do this. So number one,
46
00:03:03.530 --> 00:03:06.129
a church culture that doesn't teach people to ask questions.
47
00:03:07.150 --> 00:03:11.789
Number two, pride and lack of wisdom. Over and over again,
48
00:03:11.870 --> 00:03:16.060
Proverbs tells us that a wise person asks advice and
49
00:03:16.090 --> 00:03:19.400
a fool is wise in his own eyes. Can we
50
00:03:19.740 --> 00:03:25.960
rephrase that? A wise parent asks advice. A foolish parent
51
00:03:26.340 --> 00:03:30.280
is wise in his own eyes. We could probably put
52
00:03:30.400 --> 00:03:35.129
insecurity here also. Our security is in the gospel and
53
00:03:35.169 --> 00:03:39.189
our identity is in Christ. Unfortunately, it's so common for
54
00:03:39.289 --> 00:03:43.389
parents to find their identity in their children. As a result,
55
00:03:43.610 --> 00:03:47.819
admitting any mistake strikes to the core of their identity.
56
00:03:48.520 --> 00:03:51.379
This blindness doesn't just apply to parents, but lots of
57
00:03:51.439 --> 00:03:55.050
new roles. I've seen New lay elders enthusiastically jump into
58
00:03:55.069 --> 00:03:58.129
their roles without even asking how they can grow in
59
00:03:58.219 --> 00:04:02.780
wisdom and skill. Often, we don't know what we don't know.
60
00:04:03.780 --> 00:04:07.139
God brings situations into our lives so that we'll grow
61
00:04:07.379 --> 00:04:13.770
in wisdom and understanding. Number three, what I would call
62
00:04:13.889 --> 00:04:19.089
post-consumption reinforcement. Social psychologists have made an interesting study of
63
00:04:19.149 --> 00:04:22.149
how people choose between products and how they think afterwards.
64
00:04:22.470 --> 00:04:25.149
For example, if asked to rate how much they like
65
00:04:25.209 --> 00:04:29.069
product A over product B pre-purchase, they might say product
66
00:04:29.170 --> 00:04:32.730
A is 60 to 40 better than product B. However,
67
00:04:33.129 --> 00:04:36.149
after they purchase product A, they might say it was
68
00:04:36.149 --> 00:04:40.560
90 to 10. Why? Well, because we all want to
69
00:04:40.600 --> 00:04:45.920
believe we made the right choice. Similarly, once parents have
70
00:04:45.959 --> 00:04:48.879
had to make choices about anything, whether it's sleep training
71
00:04:48.920 --> 00:04:53.000
or discipline or educational choices, it's harder and harder to
72
00:04:53.060 --> 00:04:56.490
admit that it may have been a mistaken idea. After all,
73
00:04:56.550 --> 00:04:59.649
what's more important to us than our children? It's one
74
00:04:59.689 --> 00:05:02.129
thing to admit that we made a bad choice about, say,
75
00:05:02.149 --> 00:05:05.829
an automobile or a phone. It's another thing to admit
76
00:05:05.910 --> 00:05:11.610
that we have not made some good choices with our children. Well,
77
00:05:11.689 --> 00:05:15.529
I see several applications that fall from this. Number one,
78
00:05:16.089 --> 00:05:19.459
Seek parenting training before you need it. Get ahead of
79
00:05:19.480 --> 00:05:22.480
the curve. Have a game plan before the game starts.
80
00:05:23.019 --> 00:05:24.839
And of course it's going to be adjusted and you'll
81
00:05:24.879 --> 00:05:28.579
modify it, but don't start on this important journey with
82
00:05:28.699 --> 00:05:33.230
no roadmap. If you're a church leader, make every effort
83
00:05:33.410 --> 00:05:37.970
to train your parents before they need it. And number two,
84
00:05:38.430 --> 00:05:41.300
be humble and teachable when you're in the middle of parenting.
85
00:05:42.069 --> 00:05:46.240
Invite corrections from those who know you best. Be willing
86
00:05:46.269 --> 00:05:48.600
to admit that you've been going down the wrong road
87
00:05:48.660 --> 00:05:52.360
and you need to make some corrections. Value obeying the
88
00:05:52.399 --> 00:05:58.500
Lord more than what people think. Ultimately, we trust in
89
00:05:58.560 --> 00:06:02.579
God's good sovereignty. Barring some sort of abuse, we're not
90
00:06:02.620 --> 00:06:05.540
going to mess our children up. If we stay humble
91
00:06:05.600 --> 00:06:09.490
and teachable, the Lord will direct us on this journey
92
00:06:09.610 --> 00:06:13.420
through His Word and through His people. Thank you for
93
00:06:13.459 --> 00:06:17.810
listening to the Disciple Making Parent audio blog. Material like
94
00:06:17.850 --> 00:06:21.910
this can be found in the video course, Parenting with Confidence.
95
00:06:22.629 --> 00:06:26.490
It's our video-driven study on the biblical foundations of parenting,
96
00:06:26.550 --> 00:06:30.470
and it's specifically aimed at parents of young children. You
97
00:06:30.490 --> 00:06:35.569
can find more information on our website or at parentingwithconfidentstudy.com.
98
00:06:36.629 --> 00:06:39.839
Thanks for listening. Thank you.
