WEBVTT
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Welcome to the Blooming Food.
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I'm your host, Melanie.
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This podcast provides tools and practices to elevate your experience and remember the healer within.
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Hello and welcome back to the show.
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This is episode two of Starting Messy before I get in my own way by coming up with a plan or deciding what this season's podcast is going to be about.
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And instead show up and tell the truth from an authentic place.
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And there are no coffee shops with quality coffee around me.
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And so I'm usually brewing at my own coffee or my own tea at home.
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And I've been out of coffee for a couple of days and I've been enjoying matcha and tea.
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But I woke up this morning craving a cup of coffee.
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And so I was looking around town and there are these coffee shops that are very corporate.
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Like I think it's called Bagsby's and Starbucks, and just not quite the cup of coffee I'm looking for.
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And I happen to stumble across this little coffee shop in Plainfield.
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And it's connected to, I think like the community center.
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Anyways, it's in the heart of um downtown Clayton, actually, which is super close to Plainfield.
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Plainfield, everybody knows Clayton, nobody seems to know.
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Anyways, so I decided, you know what?
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I'm just gonna pop in.
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I browsed some photos and it looked like a cute coffee shop, and they um served espresso, and so I'm like, okay, I popped in, expectations low.
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And to my surprise, they're serving up Blue Mind Coffee.
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And if you're from the Indianapolis area and you happen to love coffee like me, this is a super high-quality local roaster in Indianapolis and my favorite cup of coffee that I've found in the entire city.
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And so not only did I buy a cup of coffee, but I bought some beans as well.
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So that was such a treat.
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And then I took myself to TJ Maxx because I had to run some errands just to browse.
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There's something so yummy about fall decor.
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It's cozy, it's warm, walking around with a hot cup of coffee.
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And I decided, you know, in years and years and years past, I have acquired fall decor.
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Um maybe I've thrifted some, maybe I've had hand me downs, maybe I've had some given to me.
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And this year, for whatever reason, I've gone through a couple of moves, but I cannot find any of my fall decor.
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I don't know if I got rid of it in the move.
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I did some purging, but I can't find any.
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Not only that, but a lot of my fall decor is just not matching my current aesthetic.
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It was like, it's very like playful and whimsy, but not in like a timeless way.
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For instance, for many, many years I collected gnomes.
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And so I have all these this like gnome fall and Christmas decor.
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And I am living with my husband at the retreat center that we're opening, and it's just not the vibe.
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Uh, it feels like decor I'll pull back out when we're like starting a family and there's little kids around, but I I want something a little bit more elevated and timeless.
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And so I was in TJ Maxx, and the last couple of years, something that I've started to do is decide new traditions that I'm starting.
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I think about five years ago, I was living in Oregon and I was missing my family.
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I didn't go home for Christmas, and I decided I'm gonna start a new Christmas tradition.
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And still to this day, on Christmas Eve, I homemake cinnamon rolls.
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And that is a tradition that I created that I get to take with me for the rest of my life.
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And I've been doing that across the year, I've been deciding traditions I want to start.
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Instead of feeling like I lack traditions, I take the initiative and begin them.
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And that also requires the responsibility to carry them through every year.
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And so this year I decided instead of doing an overhaul and buying a bunch of fall decor that I don't care about, that's what got me into this predicament.
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Is I just one fall overhauled a bunch of decor that was cheaper, and I got a bunch of like hand-me-downs and thrifted a bunch of stuff, and none of it has like meaning.
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And so I decided I am going to start the tradition of every single fall.
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I am gonna buy myself a piece of fall decor that is nice and timeless, that I really, really find beautiful, that I feel like I can carry with me for the rest of my life and bring back out every single year.
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And with that, it will inspire nostalgia, you know.
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Like, what was I doing that year?
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And maybe it will inspire some memories.
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And so I bought this beautiful hand-blown glass pumpkin.
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I was sorting through all of the fall decor, of course, wanting all of it, right?
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But I limited myself to one meaningful piece and I brought it home and I'm enjoying it.
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And um, of course, the next stop, I don't know about you guys, but I do not enjoy spending$15 to$25 on a candle that I'm gonna burn up.
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Like for some reason, my brain cannot compute that.
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I feel like I'm just burning money.
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And I will not, you will never find me.
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I I shouldn't say never.
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You at the moment, I will not buy a$15 to$25 candle.
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I won't even buy a$12.99 candle.
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My husband is a different story.
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I love him, and he will do that.
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One of my favorite memories, we went to Target and he was like, What do you want?
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I'm gonna buy you something.
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And I couldn't think about what I wanted.
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Like, of course, you go into Target and it's like there's so much to buy.
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And I was like, I don't know, clothes, I don't know.
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And we we walked out of Target with nothing.
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And I thought, oh my gosh, a candle.
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And he was like, Do you want to go back inside?
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And I thought, absolutely.
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So we walked back in and I found the most delicious smelling candle.
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And this man, this angel of a man, I of course am holding the like$7.99 small candle.
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And this man goes and grabs the largest version of that candle and buys it for me.
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And it was like$25.
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And I fell more in love with him that day.
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Uh, anyways, where are we?
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Okay, so my favorite go-to, and I am a thrifter, I love thrifting.
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I call it treasure hunting.
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I took myself to the Plainfield Goodwill.
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You guys, you can find brand new candles there for$2.
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Like big candles, like giant pillar candles.
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Now, granted, it's not like going to TJ Maxx or Target and smelling all the candles and finding your perfect scent.
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I am also not a huge scent person.
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Don't get me wrong.
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I love a scented candle, but I will take that scented candle and that scented candle will last me for months.
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Like I will burn it a little bit of scent, and then that's it.
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Like that's my one scented candle.
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If you know me, I burn through candles like it's my job.
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That scented candle will get lit for a special moment and I will smell it and it will be delicious.
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But I'm burning candles all day and all night.
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I'm burning candles fall, winter.
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I am scooting through candles.
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And so that requires that I am a bargain hunter when it comes to candles, and I'm usually buying candles that are unscented.
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So I will spend money and buy like tea light candles or my favorite.
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Oh my gosh.
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If you guys don't know what a candle plate is, Google candle plate right now.
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It is the most cozy, whimsical, beautiful little craft I've ever put together.
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I found these, gosh, I can't remember what they're called now.
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I found you have to specifically seek out um can like taper candles that drip, but I found these dripping candles that are of all different colors.
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Okay, so that's my splurge as far as candles go.
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But when it comes to like pillar candles, I'm wanting to spend one to three dollars a piece.
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Okay, so I went to Goodwill, I bought a bunch of candles, and I came home, and I am slowly transitioning my house from summer to fall, and it is my favorite season.
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Warm beverages.
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Yesterday I made a hot cacao candles going, and mind you, yesterday it was 90 degrees.
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Like we are not in fall yet, and yet the leaves are starting to change, and you know when fall's coming.
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There is just like a crisp in the morning air, like the leaves start to change, there's some leaves on the ground.
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You just know when September hits, I'm like, it's fall.
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I don't care if it's 90 degrees, it's fall.
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And so my husband has started collecting pot little these little adorable pine cones for me.
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I'm gonna start collecting uh leaves.
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I found this craft on YouTube where you can get you go collect leaves that are at their like perfect color before they turn like crispy brown crumbly, and you can dip them in beeswax and it preserves them at their perfect fall leafy color forever.
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And then you can like put them wherever.
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You can put them on your window, you can like, I don't know, you can do crafty whimsical things with them.
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So I'm gonna do that this year.
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I am going to collect pine cones, of course, pumpkins, of course, and then all sorts of like plants.
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Like we have this yellow dock that's this gorgeous yellow.
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It's oh, it looks like a weed, but it's so gorgeous.
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And you can dry that uh lavender, different herbs, uh pine, like little pine needle branches, all sorts of things.
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So I am at the very beginning of decorating this house for fall.
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It just so happens that I used to live in a tiny little duplex, and decorating that for fall and Christmas was like a breeze.
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I would put a couple of different things on a couple of different shelves, boom, fall.
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This place is 8,500 square feet.
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We are gonna be hosting retreats out of this space, and it is massive.
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So instead of getting overwhelmed, I have designated a few spaces that I'm going to focus on, and then over the course of years, decades, we'll get to the point where I can transition this entire space seasonally.
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That is not this year.
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This year, I am transitioning our bedroom and office, like our personal space.
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I'm adding some fall touches.
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So my new little pumpkin is in here, and that is very exciting.
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So that is the vibe right now.
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What I'm really feeling inspired about currently, what feels like my truth currently, what I am navigating, purifying, shining a light on right now is becoming conscious of the ways in which I don't speak to myself kindly.
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You guys, I have spent the last several years, I thought, in this self-development world, uh I began mirror work years ago.
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I I mean our previous podcast was all about like up-leveling your life and becoming the best version of you.
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And I am still finding all sorts of ways in which I am so mean to myself.
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And number one, something that I've realized is I stopped my mirror work practice like years ago, two years ago.
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Like I I had it in my mind, like, of course, that is beneficial, but I just stopped.
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And so that is something I intentionally want to bring back.
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Looking myself in the mirror every single morning and washing myself in positive thoughts.
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That is a beautiful practice, something that is like topical that you can take into your life.
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However, negative self-talk, being mean to myself is something that is so ingrained, so practiced, so it's a habitual pattern in my life that I go to it unconsciously all the time.
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And something that has been really beneficial for me in my life lately, albeit uh painful and humbling, is being married.
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I was a self-described independent queen when my husband met me.
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I don't need anybody.
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I like to be alone, I like to do my own thing.
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I take myself alone everywhere.
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I would take myself out to eat.
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I I would take myself out to the movies.
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I was dating myself.
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I was so independent.
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And I also would recluse when things got uncomfortable.
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That's a pattern that I noticed in my life.
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And so my go-to, I'm realizing that would keep this pattern going unbeknownst to me was seeking solitude.
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Because in solitude, the thoughts could just be going rampant in the back of my mind.
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And because I was habitually patterned, I was habitually, I was used to them being there that I wouldn't recognize it was happening.
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And it just seemed like a thought, but I wasn't actually recognizing that the negative self-talk was aimed at me.
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I was projecting the thoughts outwardly.
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And the best way I can describe it is um as I have been navigating the as I've been navigating being married, my husband is always around.
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Right?
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When you get married, somebody's around all the time.
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And there are these moments where I nudge up against discomfort, frustration, anger, sadness, regret, and I want to be alone.
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I'm like, go away.
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I want to be alone, I don't want to be around anybody.
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Of course, he is more than happy to give me my space when I want it.
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However, in those moments, I don't even know how to ask for that.
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And what I'm realizing is that's actually not beneficial.
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Like, do I want to create a life in which I'm alone all the time?
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No.
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Do I want to create a life in which I recluse from the world forever and live in a cave away from society?
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No.
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I love people.
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And so that is not a long-term sustainable plan.
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Yes, solitude is healthy, but in the face of uncomfortable feelings, the aim is to not run away from people, but to be able to be in those situations.
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And so I'll give an example.
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The other day we are decorating these tables for our retreat center, these big, massive tables.
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We're gonna be able to see 20.
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They're stunning.
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And I have taken on the initiative of curating these tables.
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A dream come true.
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I love this.
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So we order a bunch of stuff on Amazon.
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I'm so excited for it to get here.
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The tablecloth gets here first.
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I iron the tablecloth, get it all ready.
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I am, I am foaming at the mouth.
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I am so ready for this decor to get here.
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I am going to nail this.
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It is going to be such a vibe, and I'm gonna build on it, and it is gonna be stunning.
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I have spent countless hours on Pinterest creating.
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Vision boards using chat GBT, showing it my vision boards and my pictures and having it curate things on Amazon looking for different things, putting together this entire vibe, ordering these things.
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They come to the house.
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I put them on the table.
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You guys hate it.
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I can't even describe to you how much I hate it.
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Hate it.
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All the colors are clashing.
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It's so far from the vibe.
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I can't even handle it.
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My husband is there.
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He's like, Do you want my feedback?
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My first response is no.
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I think I even said to him something along the lines of like, I know that this is not what I'm wanting, and I'm in my creative process right now, and your response is going to be sharp, so no.
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And then I go ahead and share like what I don't like about it.
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And then I'm like, yeah, honey, go ahead and uh give me your feedback.
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So he does.
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And I go into full blown meltdown.
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What he he's saying in a roundabout way is, it's no big deal.
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This stuff is from Amazon.
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The best thing about Amazon is you can just return it and you can buy new stuff and it's no big deal.
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And also, like, even if we keep it like super simple, once we start putting like the glassware and the silverware and everything, it's all gonna be fine.
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Like, it's no big deal.
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Super chill.
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What I hear in my head is you have failed at this.
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You are untrustworthy to curate this table.
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You did a terrible job.
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You're a loser.
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Uh, you've lost, you've failed, and we don't even need to curate this table anymore.
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Let's just keep it simple because um curating didn't go well, so we'll just take the L and we won't curate it at all.
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And we can just have like the plates and the silverware and the glassware, and that's it.
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And so I proceed to be like to share that with him.
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Like, and and I'm frustrated because you're saying this, and he stops me and he's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
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I didn't say any of that.
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I I literally, my love, my angel queen, my favorite person on the entire planet, my teammate, love of my life.
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I did not say any of those things.
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And I had this moment where I realized, oh my god.
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I created all of that.
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That, all of that that I heard is a reflection of my internal narrative.
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Those were things I was saying to myself that I projected outwardly on him.
00:24:58.160 --> 00:25:18.240
And that is why it's helpful to have a grounded partner that doesn't immediately take offense and like battle you in that moment, but say, Oh, this is what you just said, and I didn't say that.
00:25:18.559 --> 00:25:24.160
And then I have this like incredibly painful, humbling moment of like, oh my God.
00:25:24.480 --> 00:25:28.319
I just like othered my partner, the love of my life.
00:25:28.480 --> 00:25:32.000
I'm like, we're battling, I hate you, you hate me.
00:25:36.400 --> 00:25:39.680
And really what I'm saying is like, I hate me.
00:25:39.920 --> 00:25:41.359
And that is so sad.
00:25:41.519 --> 00:25:44.960
And I realize in that moment, like, oh my gosh.
00:25:45.200 --> 00:25:50.480
The reason I heard that is because I'm saying things like that to myself.
00:25:50.880 --> 00:25:57.680
I failed, I'm not good at this, I can't do this, I'm unworthy, I'm not enough.
00:25:58.079 --> 00:26:01.519
All of those thoughts are coming up in those moments.
00:26:01.839 --> 00:26:14.240
And instead of seeing them clearly and taking responsibility for them and noticing them and choosing a different thought, or even simpler, just claiming the emotions.
00:26:14.400 --> 00:26:27.279
I'm really frustrated right now, and then giving myself space, asking for space to like sort through that, or sort through it with my partner who wants more than anything to be my partner and be there with me.
00:26:32.160 --> 00:26:36.640
So I don't really know the answer.
00:26:36.880 --> 00:26:45.839
However, I do recognize what is occurring, and I feel really sad about it.
00:26:46.000 --> 00:26:53.680
I feel heartbroken that I've done all of this work and I'm still getting caught up in negative self-talk.
00:26:53.839 --> 00:27:00.079
And so the reason I'm sharing that is because I know that I'm not alone here.
00:27:00.559 --> 00:27:09.359
I know that there are those of you out there that are casting enemies outside of yourself.
00:27:10.799 --> 00:27:26.480
And it's time to recognize that we cast characters outside of ourself and we receive input from the world based on our self-belief.
00:27:27.839 --> 00:27:42.880
And so what I'm committed to moving forwards is whenever I can, whenever I remember to take responsibility for myself, to share the feelings that I'm going through.
00:27:43.440 --> 00:27:46.799
And not the reasons, just the feelings.
00:27:48.559 --> 00:28:04.240
And when I experience what I perceive as somebody being mean to me, first asking myself, what it what do I think about me in this moment?
00:28:05.359 --> 00:28:23.920
You know, I was talking to my mom recently and she was talking about negative self-talk, and I think we've all heard, maybe, I I mean, I feel like I've been told this multiple times to speak to ourselves how we would speak to our best friend and to get curious around that.
00:28:24.240 --> 00:28:31.519
It's like if something comes up and I have this feeling of like I suck, which has happened recently.
00:28:33.680 --> 00:28:38.960
I need to remember that I would never say that to my best friend.
00:28:39.200 --> 00:28:39.839
Never.
00:28:41.039 --> 00:29:01.519
And what I'm committed to this season is radically speaking kindness over myself, washing myself in kindness, praying for the remembrance that I'm doing the best that I can, and it is enough.
00:29:02.720 --> 00:29:11.759
And I am worthy of making a mistake and still being loved.
00:29:12.720 --> 00:29:21.440
I am really good at the things that I'm good at, and even if I mess up, it's okay.
00:29:21.680 --> 00:29:23.359
Mess ups happen.
00:29:25.839 --> 00:29:41.200
This podcast today is a reminder, a gentle reminder if you've forgotten or you've found yourself recently or today in a spot where you're feeling like you're messing things up.
00:29:43.279 --> 00:29:44.960
You let somebody down.
00:29:46.160 --> 00:29:55.839
You let yourself down, you said something mean, somebody's mad at you, things feel uncomfortable.
00:29:57.119 --> 00:30:11.440
Maybe the solution isn't fixing anything, but going to your mirror and saying a couple of kind things to yourself that feel true.
00:30:13.599 --> 00:30:15.519
I know I need that reminder.
00:30:18.960 --> 00:30:30.079
So we have come to the end of this episode, and I have to say, starting messy and not knowing where we're going is feeling pretty good.
00:30:31.680 --> 00:30:37.119
I look forward to talking to you guys again soon, and who knows?
00:30:37.359 --> 00:30:39.519
Who knows what we'll get into next.
00:30:39.839 --> 00:30:40.640
I love you.
00:30:40.799 --> 00:30:42.240
Thank you for being here.
00:30:42.559 --> 00:30:42.960
See you.
00:00:12.000 --> 00:00:14.240
Welcome to the Blooming Food.
00:00:14.400 --> 00:00:16.079
I'm your host, Melanie.
00:00:16.879 --> 00:00:23.679
This podcast provides tools and practices to elevate your experience and remember the healer within.
00:00:24.399 --> 00:00:27.920
Hello and welcome back to the show.
00:00:28.559 --> 00:00:47.759
This is episode two of Starting Messy before I get in my own way by coming up with a plan or deciding what this season's podcast is going to be about.
00:00:48.159 --> 00:00:54.719
And instead show up and tell the truth from an authentic place.
00:01:39.120 --> 00:01:43.760
And there are no coffee shops with quality coffee around me.
00:01:43.920 --> 00:01:48.959
And so I'm usually brewing at my own coffee or my own tea at home.
00:01:50.079 --> 00:01:56.640
And I've been out of coffee for a couple of days and I've been enjoying matcha and tea.
00:01:56.719 --> 00:02:02.319
But I woke up this morning craving a cup of coffee.
00:02:03.519 --> 00:02:16.000
And so I was looking around town and there are these coffee shops that are very corporate.
00:02:16.719 --> 00:02:25.919
Like I think it's called Bagsby's and Starbucks, and just not quite the cup of coffee I'm looking for.
00:02:26.800 --> 00:02:34.240
And I happen to stumble across this little coffee shop in Plainfield.
00:02:34.639 --> 00:02:41.039
And it's connected to, I think like the community center.
00:02:41.919 --> 00:02:53.759
Anyways, it's in the heart of um downtown Clayton, actually, which is super close to Plainfield.
00:02:53.840 --> 00:02:57.039
Plainfield, everybody knows Clayton, nobody seems to know.
00:02:57.759 --> 00:03:00.879
Anyways, so I decided, you know what?
00:03:00.960 --> 00:03:02.159
I'm just gonna pop in.
00:03:02.479 --> 00:03:17.120
I browsed some photos and it looked like a cute coffee shop, and they um served espresso, and so I'm like, okay, I popped in, expectations low.
00:03:17.840 --> 00:03:23.919
And to my surprise, they're serving up Blue Mind Coffee.
00:03:24.159 --> 00:03:40.560
And if you're from the Indianapolis area and you happen to love coffee like me, this is a super high-quality local roaster in Indianapolis and my favorite cup of coffee that I've found in the entire city.
00:03:40.719 --> 00:03:45.120
And so not only did I buy a cup of coffee, but I bought some beans as well.
00:03:45.280 --> 00:03:47.039
So that was such a treat.
00:03:47.360 --> 00:03:55.039
And then I took myself to TJ Maxx because I had to run some errands just to browse.
00:03:55.439 --> 00:04:01.599
There's something so yummy about fall decor.
00:04:01.840 --> 00:04:08.000
It's cozy, it's warm, walking around with a hot cup of coffee.
00:04:08.479 --> 00:04:19.759
And I decided, you know, in years and years and years past, I have acquired fall decor.
00:04:20.480 --> 00:04:27.519
Um maybe I've thrifted some, maybe I've had hand me downs, maybe I've had some given to me.
00:04:27.920 --> 00:04:34.319
And this year, for whatever reason, I've gone through a couple of moves, but I cannot find any of my fall decor.
00:04:34.399 --> 00:04:37.360
I don't know if I got rid of it in the move.
00:04:37.439 --> 00:04:40.480
I did some purging, but I can't find any.
00:04:40.639 --> 00:04:47.439
Not only that, but a lot of my fall decor is just not matching my current aesthetic.
00:04:47.680 --> 00:04:57.519
It was like, it's very like playful and whimsy, but not in like a timeless way.
00:04:58.000 --> 00:05:01.600
For instance, for many, many years I collected gnomes.
00:05:01.759 --> 00:05:06.000
And so I have all these this like gnome fall and Christmas decor.
00:05:06.480 --> 00:05:17.040
And I am living with my husband at the retreat center that we're opening, and it's just not the vibe.
00:05:19.439 --> 00:05:29.439
Uh, it feels like decor I'll pull back out when we're like starting a family and there's little kids around, but I I want something a little bit more elevated and timeless.
00:05:29.600 --> 00:05:41.759
And so I was in TJ Maxx, and the last couple of years, something that I've started to do is decide new traditions that I'm starting.
00:05:41.920 --> 00:05:47.360
I think about five years ago, I was living in Oregon and I was missing my family.
00:05:47.519 --> 00:05:52.879
I didn't go home for Christmas, and I decided I'm gonna start a new Christmas tradition.
00:05:53.040 --> 00:05:59.199
And still to this day, on Christmas Eve, I homemake cinnamon rolls.
00:05:59.279 --> 00:06:03.680
And that is a tradition that I created that I get to take with me for the rest of my life.
00:06:04.000 --> 00:06:10.560
And I've been doing that across the year, I've been deciding traditions I want to start.
00:06:10.639 --> 00:06:16.959
Instead of feeling like I lack traditions, I take the initiative and begin them.
00:06:17.519 --> 00:06:22.240
And that also requires the responsibility to carry them through every year.
00:06:22.560 --> 00:06:35.839
And so this year I decided instead of doing an overhaul and buying a bunch of fall decor that I don't care about, that's what got me into this predicament.
00:06:36.000 --> 00:06:49.040
Is I just one fall overhauled a bunch of decor that was cheaper, and I got a bunch of like hand-me-downs and thrifted a bunch of stuff, and none of it has like meaning.
00:06:49.680 --> 00:06:56.160
And so I decided I am going to start the tradition of every single fall.
00:06:56.399 --> 00:07:16.480
I am gonna buy myself a piece of fall decor that is nice and timeless, that I really, really find beautiful, that I feel like I can carry with me for the rest of my life and bring back out every single year.
00:07:16.639 --> 00:07:20.959
And with that, it will inspire nostalgia, you know.
00:07:21.040 --> 00:07:22.879
Like, what was I doing that year?
00:07:23.040 --> 00:07:26.319
And maybe it will inspire some memories.
00:07:26.879 --> 00:07:34.240
And so I bought this beautiful hand-blown glass pumpkin.
00:07:34.480 --> 00:07:39.199
I was sorting through all of the fall decor, of course, wanting all of it, right?
00:07:40.800 --> 00:07:48.800
But I limited myself to one meaningful piece and I brought it home and I'm enjoying it.
00:07:49.040 --> 00:08:03.680
And um, of course, the next stop, I don't know about you guys, but I do not enjoy spending$15 to$25 on a candle that I'm gonna burn up.
00:08:04.000 --> 00:08:09.040
Like for some reason, my brain cannot compute that.
00:08:09.279 --> 00:08:12.000
I feel like I'm just burning money.
00:08:12.319 --> 00:08:16.800
And I will not, you will never find me.
00:08:16.959 --> 00:08:18.399
I I shouldn't say never.
00:08:18.639 --> 00:08:24.079
You at the moment, I will not buy a$15 to$25 candle.
00:08:24.160 --> 00:08:27.600
I won't even buy a$12.99 candle.
00:08:29.920 --> 00:08:31.920
My husband is a different story.
00:08:32.240 --> 00:08:34.720
I love him, and he will do that.
00:08:34.960 --> 00:08:40.720
One of my favorite memories, we went to Target and he was like, What do you want?
00:08:40.879 --> 00:08:42.320
I'm gonna buy you something.
00:08:42.639 --> 00:08:48.399
And I couldn't think about what I wanted.
00:08:48.559 --> 00:08:51.360
Like, of course, you go into Target and it's like there's so much to buy.
00:08:51.519 --> 00:08:54.000
And I was like, I don't know, clothes, I don't know.
00:08:54.240 --> 00:08:57.679
And we we walked out of Target with nothing.
00:08:57.919 --> 00:09:00.799
And I thought, oh my gosh, a candle.
00:09:01.039 --> 00:09:03.360
And he was like, Do you want to go back inside?
00:09:03.519 --> 00:09:05.360
And I thought, absolutely.
00:09:05.759 --> 00:09:10.000
So we walked back in and I found the most delicious smelling candle.
00:09:10.080 --> 00:09:19.840
And this man, this angel of a man, I of course am holding the like$7.99 small candle.
00:09:21.919 --> 00:09:29.519
And this man goes and grabs the largest version of that candle and buys it for me.
00:09:29.679 --> 00:09:31.200
And it was like$25.
00:09:31.840 --> 00:09:35.039
And I fell more in love with him that day.
00:09:37.519 --> 00:09:39.759
Uh, anyways, where are we?
00:09:39.919 --> 00:09:46.000
Okay, so my favorite go-to, and I am a thrifter, I love thrifting.
00:09:46.159 --> 00:09:48.559
I call it treasure hunting.
00:09:48.960 --> 00:09:52.879
I took myself to the Plainfield Goodwill.
00:09:53.200 --> 00:09:59.679
You guys, you can find brand new candles there for$2.
00:10:00.799 --> 00:10:04.960
Like big candles, like giant pillar candles.
00:10:05.279 --> 00:10:14.799
Now, granted, it's not like going to TJ Maxx or Target and smelling all the candles and finding your perfect scent.
00:10:15.279 --> 00:10:18.720
I am also not a huge scent person.
00:10:18.879 --> 00:10:19.679
Don't get me wrong.
00:10:19.759 --> 00:10:27.200
I love a scented candle, but I will take that scented candle and that scented candle will last me for months.
00:10:27.279 --> 00:10:30.639
Like I will burn it a little bit of scent, and then that's it.
00:10:30.720 --> 00:10:32.799
Like that's my one scented candle.
00:10:33.120 --> 00:10:36.320
If you know me, I burn through candles like it's my job.
00:10:36.480 --> 00:10:44.000
That scented candle will get lit for a special moment and I will smell it and it will be delicious.
00:10:44.240 --> 00:10:47.120
But I'm burning candles all day and all night.
00:10:47.200 --> 00:10:49.919
I'm burning candles fall, winter.
00:10:50.159 --> 00:10:53.600
I am scooting through candles.
00:10:53.759 --> 00:11:03.600
And so that requires that I am a bargain hunter when it comes to candles, and I'm usually buying candles that are unscented.
00:11:04.159 --> 00:11:11.279
So I will spend money and buy like tea light candles or my favorite.
00:11:11.840 --> 00:11:12.879
Oh my gosh.
00:11:13.120 --> 00:11:18.240
If you guys don't know what a candle plate is, Google candle plate right now.
00:11:18.399 --> 00:11:27.440
It is the most cozy, whimsical, beautiful little craft I've ever put together.
00:11:27.759 --> 00:11:32.480
I found these, gosh, I can't remember what they're called now.
00:11:33.200 --> 00:11:43.440
I found you have to specifically seek out um can like taper candles that drip, but I found these dripping candles that are of all different colors.
00:11:43.679 --> 00:11:46.559
Okay, so that's my splurge as far as candles go.
00:11:46.639 --> 00:11:53.919
But when it comes to like pillar candles, I'm wanting to spend one to three dollars a piece.
00:11:55.519 --> 00:12:11.519
Okay, so I went to Goodwill, I bought a bunch of candles, and I came home, and I am slowly transitioning my house from summer to fall, and it is my favorite season.
00:12:11.840 --> 00:12:13.600
Warm beverages.
00:12:13.840 --> 00:12:22.799
Yesterday I made a hot cacao candles going, and mind you, yesterday it was 90 degrees.
00:12:22.960 --> 00:12:33.759
Like we are not in fall yet, and yet the leaves are starting to change, and you know when fall's coming.
00:12:33.840 --> 00:12:41.600
There is just like a crisp in the morning air, like the leaves start to change, there's some leaves on the ground.
00:12:41.759 --> 00:12:44.399
You just know when September hits, I'm like, it's fall.
00:12:44.480 --> 00:12:46.399
I don't care if it's 90 degrees, it's fall.
00:12:46.639 --> 00:12:53.279
And so my husband has started collecting pot little these little adorable pine cones for me.
00:12:53.440 --> 00:12:56.720
I'm gonna start collecting uh leaves.
00:12:56.879 --> 00:13:18.080
I found this craft on YouTube where you can get you go collect leaves that are at their like perfect color before they turn like crispy brown crumbly, and you can dip them in beeswax and it preserves them at their perfect fall leafy color forever.
00:13:18.240 --> 00:13:19.919
And then you can like put them wherever.
00:13:20.080 --> 00:13:25.120
You can put them on your window, you can like, I don't know, you can do crafty whimsical things with them.
00:13:25.200 --> 00:13:26.879
So I'm gonna do that this year.
00:13:27.200 --> 00:13:36.720
I am going to collect pine cones, of course, pumpkins, of course, and then all sorts of like plants.
00:13:36.799 --> 00:13:42.559
Like we have this yellow dock that's this gorgeous yellow.
00:13:43.200 --> 00:13:46.399
It's oh, it looks like a weed, but it's so gorgeous.
00:13:46.559 --> 00:13:57.120
And you can dry that uh lavender, different herbs, uh pine, like little pine needle branches, all sorts of things.
00:13:57.279 --> 00:14:05.279
So I am at the very beginning of decorating this house for fall.
00:14:05.519 --> 00:14:14.720
It just so happens that I used to live in a tiny little duplex, and decorating that for fall and Christmas was like a breeze.
00:14:14.879 --> 00:14:19.440
I would put a couple of different things on a couple of different shelves, boom, fall.
00:14:19.679 --> 00:14:22.159
This place is 8,500 square feet.
00:14:22.399 --> 00:14:26.559
We are gonna be hosting retreats out of this space, and it is massive.
00:14:26.879 --> 00:14:43.519
So instead of getting overwhelmed, I have designated a few spaces that I'm going to focus on, and then over the course of years, decades, we'll get to the point where I can transition this entire space seasonally.
00:14:43.919 --> 00:14:46.000
That is not this year.
00:14:46.240 --> 00:14:55.039
This year, I am transitioning our bedroom and office, like our personal space.
00:14:55.120 --> 00:14:56.799
I'm adding some fall touches.
00:14:56.960 --> 00:15:01.519
So my new little pumpkin is in here, and that is very exciting.
00:15:02.480 --> 00:15:06.960
So that is the vibe right now.
00:15:07.679 --> 00:15:35.440
What I'm really feeling inspired about currently, what feels like my truth currently, what I am navigating, purifying, shining a light on right now is becoming conscious of the ways in which I don't speak to myself kindly.
00:15:38.159 --> 00:15:57.120
You guys, I have spent the last several years, I thought, in this self-development world, uh I began mirror work years ago.
00:15:58.000 --> 00:16:07.519
I I mean our previous podcast was all about like up-leveling your life and becoming the best version of you.
00:16:08.000 --> 00:16:18.159
And I am still finding all sorts of ways in which I am so mean to myself.
00:16:19.120 --> 00:16:34.799
And number one, something that I've realized is I stopped my mirror work practice like years ago, two years ago.
00:16:35.039 --> 00:16:40.320
Like I I had it in my mind, like, of course, that is beneficial, but I just stopped.
00:16:40.720 --> 00:16:44.960
And so that is something I intentionally want to bring back.
00:16:45.279 --> 00:16:52.480
Looking myself in the mirror every single morning and washing myself in positive thoughts.
00:16:53.519 --> 00:16:59.679
That is a beautiful practice, something that is like topical that you can take into your life.
00:16:59.919 --> 00:17:30.480
However, negative self-talk, being mean to myself is something that is so ingrained, so practiced, so it's a habitual pattern in my life that I go to it unconsciously all the time.
00:17:31.359 --> 00:17:43.839
And something that has been really beneficial for me in my life lately, albeit uh painful and humbling, is being married.
00:17:49.200 --> 00:17:56.400
I was a self-described independent queen when my husband met me.
00:17:56.559 --> 00:17:57.920
I don't need anybody.
00:17:58.079 --> 00:18:00.720
I like to be alone, I like to do my own thing.
00:18:00.880 --> 00:18:02.559
I take myself alone everywhere.
00:18:02.640 --> 00:18:05.039
I would take myself out to eat.
00:18:05.119 --> 00:18:07.039
I I would take myself out to the movies.
00:18:07.119 --> 00:18:08.319
I was dating myself.
00:18:08.480 --> 00:18:10.319
I was so independent.
00:18:10.720 --> 00:18:15.839
And I also would recluse when things got uncomfortable.
00:18:15.920 --> 00:18:18.400
That's a pattern that I noticed in my life.
00:18:19.359 --> 00:18:31.119
And so my go-to, I'm realizing that would keep this pattern going unbeknownst to me was seeking solitude.
00:18:31.599 --> 00:18:38.240
Because in solitude, the thoughts could just be going rampant in the back of my mind.
00:18:38.319 --> 00:18:48.720
And because I was habitually patterned, I was habitually, I was used to them being there that I wouldn't recognize it was happening.
00:18:49.440 --> 00:18:59.680
And it just seemed like a thought, but I wasn't actually recognizing that the negative self-talk was aimed at me.
00:19:00.480 --> 00:19:03.920
I was projecting the thoughts outwardly.
00:19:04.720 --> 00:19:26.640
And the best way I can describe it is um as I have been navigating the as I've been navigating being married, my husband is always around.
00:19:27.200 --> 00:19:27.839
Right?
00:19:29.279 --> 00:19:32.960
When you get married, somebody's around all the time.
00:19:33.440 --> 00:19:46.960
And there are these moments where I nudge up against discomfort, frustration, anger, sadness, regret, and I want to be alone.
00:19:47.359 --> 00:19:49.200
I'm like, go away.
00:19:49.359 --> 00:19:52.799
I want to be alone, I don't want to be around anybody.
00:19:53.440 --> 00:20:00.240
Of course, he is more than happy to give me my space when I want it.
00:20:00.559 --> 00:20:07.599
However, in those moments, I don't even know how to ask for that.
00:20:09.359 --> 00:20:14.160
And what I'm realizing is that's actually not beneficial.
00:20:14.319 --> 00:20:17.920
Like, do I want to create a life in which I'm alone all the time?
00:20:18.480 --> 00:20:18.799
No.
00:20:19.759 --> 00:20:30.319
Do I want to create a life in which I recluse from the world forever and live in a cave away from society?
00:20:31.039 --> 00:20:31.359
No.
00:20:32.079 --> 00:20:33.359
I love people.
00:20:34.079 --> 00:20:37.920
And so that is not a long-term sustainable plan.
00:20:39.759 --> 00:21:01.440
Yes, solitude is healthy, but in the face of uncomfortable feelings, the aim is to not run away from people, but to be able to be in those situations.
00:21:02.240 --> 00:21:04.400
And so I'll give an example.
00:21:05.200 --> 00:21:12.480
The other day we are decorating these tables for our retreat center, these big, massive tables.
00:21:12.559 --> 00:21:13.920
We're gonna be able to see 20.
00:21:14.000 --> 00:21:15.359
They're stunning.
00:21:16.160 --> 00:21:23.759
And I have taken on the initiative of curating these tables.
00:21:24.000 --> 00:21:25.519
A dream come true.
00:21:25.680 --> 00:21:26.640
I love this.
00:21:27.279 --> 00:21:29.759
So we order a bunch of stuff on Amazon.
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I'm so excited for it to get here.
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The tablecloth gets here first.
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I iron the tablecloth, get it all ready.
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I am, I am foaming at the mouth.
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I am so ready for this decor to get here.
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I am going to nail this.
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It is going to be such a vibe, and I'm gonna build on it, and it is gonna be stunning.
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I have spent countless hours on Pinterest creating.
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Vision boards using chat GBT, showing it my vision boards and my pictures and having it curate things on Amazon looking for different things, putting together this entire vibe, ordering these things.
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They come to the house.
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I put them on the table.
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You guys hate it.
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I can't even describe to you how much I hate it.
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Hate it.
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All the colors are clashing.
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It's so far from the vibe.
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I can't even handle it.
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My husband is there.
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He's like, Do you want my feedback?
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My first response is no.
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I think I even said to him something along the lines of like, I know that this is not what I'm wanting, and I'm in my creative process right now, and your response is going to be sharp, so no.
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And then I go ahead and share like what I don't like about it.
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And then I'm like, yeah, honey, go ahead and uh give me your feedback.
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So he does.
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And I go into full blown meltdown.
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What he he's saying in a roundabout way is, it's no big deal.
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This stuff is from Amazon.
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The best thing about Amazon is you can just return it and you can buy new stuff and it's no big deal.
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And also, like, even if we keep it like super simple, once we start putting like the glassware and the silverware and everything, it's all gonna be fine.
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Like, it's no big deal.
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Super chill.
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What I hear in my head is you have failed at this.
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You are untrustworthy to curate this table.
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You did a terrible job.
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You're a loser.
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Uh, you've lost, you've failed, and we don't even need to curate this table anymore.
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Let's just keep it simple because um curating didn't go well, so we'll just take the L and we won't curate it at all.
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And we can just have like the plates and the silverware and the glassware, and that's it.
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And so I proceed to be like to share that with him.
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Like, and and I'm frustrated because you're saying this, and he stops me and he's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
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I didn't say any of that.
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I I literally, my love, my angel queen, my favorite person on the entire planet, my teammate, love of my life.
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I did not say any of those things.
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And I had this moment where I realized, oh my god.
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I created all of that.
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That, all of that that I heard is a reflection of my internal narrative.
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Those were things I was saying to myself that I projected outwardly on him.
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And that is why it's helpful to have a grounded partner that doesn't immediately take offense and like battle you in that moment, but say, Oh, this is what you just said, and I didn't say that.
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And then I have this like incredibly painful, humbling moment of like, oh my God.
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I just like othered my partner, the love of my life.
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I'm like, we're battling, I hate you, you hate me.
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And really what I'm saying is like, I hate me.
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And that is so sad.
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And I realize in that moment, like, oh my gosh.
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The reason I heard that is because I'm saying things like that to myself.
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I failed, I'm not good at this, I can't do this, I'm unworthy, I'm not enough.
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All of those thoughts are coming up in those moments.
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And instead of seeing them clearly and taking responsibility for them and noticing them and choosing a different thought, or even simpler, just claiming the emotions.
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I'm really frustrated right now, and then giving myself space, asking for space to like sort through that, or sort through it with my partner who wants more than anything to be my partner and be there with me.
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So I don't really know the answer.
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However, I do recognize what is occurring, and I feel really sad about it.
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I feel heartbroken that I've done all of this work and I'm still getting caught up in negative self-talk.
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And so the reason I'm sharing that is because I know that I'm not alone here.
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I know that there are those of you out there that are casting enemies outside of yourself.
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And it's time to recognize that we cast characters outside of ourself and we receive input from the world based on our self-belief.
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And so what I'm committed to moving forwards is whenever I can, whenever I remember to take responsibility for myself, to share the feelings that I'm going through.
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And not the reasons, just the feelings.
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And when I experience what I perceive as somebody being mean to me, first asking myself, what it what do I think about me in this moment?
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You know, I was talking to my mom recently and she was talking about negative self-talk, and I think we've all heard, maybe, I I mean, I feel like I've been told this multiple times to speak to ourselves how we would speak to our best friend and to get curious around that.
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It's like if something comes up and I have this feeling of like I suck, which has happened recently.
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I need to remember that I would never say that to my best friend.
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Never.
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And what I'm committed to this season is radically speaking kindness over myself, washing myself in kindness, praying for the remembrance that I'm doing the best that I can, and it is enough.
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And I am worthy of making a mistake and still being loved.
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I am really good at the things that I'm good at, and even if I mess up, it's okay.
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Mess ups happen.
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This podcast today is a reminder, a gentle reminder if you've forgotten or you've found yourself recently or today in a spot where you're feeling like you're messing things up.
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You let somebody down.
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You let yourself down, you said something mean, somebody's mad at you, things feel uncomfortable.
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Maybe the solution isn't fixing anything, but going to your mirror and saying a couple of kind things to yourself that feel true.
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I know I need that reminder.
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So we have come to the end of this episode, and I have to say, starting messy and not knowing where we're going is feeling pretty good.
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I look forward to talking to you guys again soon, and who knows?
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Who knows what we'll get into next.
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I love you.
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Thank you for being here.
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See you.
