WEBVTT
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So talk about identity and what are the things that you may have had to let go of or take on in lieu of what was going on in your life.
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Yeah, the first time was letting go of what I thought other people thought were important was important.
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Welcome to the Stop Performing Life podcast.
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I am Melissa Tassey, and this is the Human Connection Movement.
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Each week, my guests and I will explore what it means to stop performing, reconnect to what matters most, and intentionally create a life that feels deeply aligned with who you are.
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You did not press play by accident.
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Maybe this is the pause you've been waiting for.
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Let's begin.
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Hey guys, thanks for joining me today again for the Stop Performing Life podcast.
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I am with the guest today, Teresa Bailey.
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Thank you for joining me today.
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Thank you for having me.
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I'm so excited.
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It's always lovely to have a conversation with you.
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Yes, we totally vibe.
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Totally vibe.
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Absolutely.
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And uh yeah, you never know where a great connection is going to come from, and we've found it.
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Exactly right.
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And I'm very grateful you reached out via LinkedIn, just out of the blue.
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It's sort of what I do, which maybe we'll get into, but absolutely, I think uh it's important to continue to expand our network and learn from people.
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So I'm glad uh this one worked out.
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Awesome.
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So I'm gonna give just a quick bio, your bio, for our listeners.
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So Teresa Bailey has spent more than 25 years helping people and organizations change, connect, and work better together.
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Her work has reached thousands of people across more than 200 organizations, from corporate and government teams to educators, healthcare professionals, and Olympic athletes.
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Her focus is simple creating experiences that don't just feel good in the room, but actually change what happens afterwards.
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As a founder and CEO of Starfish Synergies Inc., Teresa is known for bringing research, creativity, and a decidingly unconventional approach to the workplace learning.
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She holds she holds the exclusive North America license with Hasbro to deliver Play-Doh-powered solutions.
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This using experiential learning learning to tackle everything from adaptability and leadership to communication, resilience, and team effectiveness.
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And of course, this is not what she had planned.
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Teresa is also the best-selling author of Hockey Mom's The Heart of the Game, published by HarperCollins and an award-winning entrepreneur whose work is expanding across Canada and the US.
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She lives in a small town in Ontario, Canada, where she cherishes her time with her family and too many pets.
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So, welcome again.
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I wanted to make sure we grounded everybody in your amazing work.
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Thank you so much.
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Yeah, it's a little unconventional, but I feel like that's why we're here talking.
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Yeah.
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So let's start off with like, tell me how you got to where you are now.
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Oh my goodness.
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Um, in terms of the Play-Doh stuff, that actually came also from a LinkedIn connection, which is why I believe so strongly in connecting.
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And the the short long story is that growing up in a small town here in Ontario, moving away, um, wanting to be a sports psychologist, and then ending up doing some research, finding out that I didn't want to be a sport psychologist uh when I had met someone who grew up as me, ended up back um studying community psychology and adaptability, and then going into consulting after my third child was born.
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And um, as many has happened to many of us, lost everything over March 2020 and had to figure it out.
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So put together a course called Tools for Resilient Workforce, ended up getting uh doing one LinkedIn post that was seen by the VP of Marketing Hasbro Canada, who asked me to work with his team, asked me to incorporate Play-Doh into that workshop because he knew I was doing other stuff.
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And uh from there ended up uh it went so well that we ended up um with the exclusive North American license to use Play-Doh power solutions in corporate training.
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So that's the gist of how I ended up working with Play-Doh, but the rest of the journey is sort of a wild ride beyond that, too.
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And I know that most people have those sort of journeys where you you don't really know what's coming next.
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Yeah, exactly right.
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Exactly right.
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And so during your journey, when I think about the stop performing life and this human connection movement, that I am, I truly believe this is my life's work and my life calling, my purpose is to help folks understand that all of our stories are connected.
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There isn't one feeling that we have not felt that somebody else has not felt, right?
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So we all feel the same feels, right?
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And the other thing too is that anchored in, we have not walked this path alone, somebody has walked it before, and again, that's where the stories come from.
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So, what I would love you to do, and and if you have, if you're comfortable, is share a moment where an event happened, and it could be March of 2020, where you had to like really pause, evaluate, and decide what was next.
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Yeah, I mean, I think that you're exactly right.
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Everyone has felt what we've felt, and sometimes you need to lean into that.
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Um, for I think there were three in my adult life, there have been three different times.
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The first one was making the decision to leave my corporate job as a researcher and education and setting and what that does to your identity.
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And I did that to be able to work with my kids, um, have some more flexibility.
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The second time was in 2026 when my marriage fell apart, and I had to figure out how to handle that and what to do and take that risk as a self-employed person at that point, which is terrifying to go out on my own.
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Um, and then the third part, the third time was definitely in 2020 when I really had to dig in and figure out how do I do this?
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What do I do?
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Um, and from that place of expansion, looking at it as expansion rather than collapse, I I think that that is um something I was able to do after being through the previous two times.
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So wow, wow.
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So the first two times prepared you for the last time.
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I feel like it, and I'm I'm pretty sure things aren't over, you know, like um what but when we talk about so coincidentally, my course that I was delivering mostly to the federal government at the time was tools for a resilient workforce.
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So when I lost everything in March of 2020, I had to think, okay, what am I gonna do?
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Because we're not delivering stuff in person anymore.
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Uh and I don't know what's gonna happen.
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I've got three kids, I'm a single mom and a mortgage with a mortgage.
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So I went back to my roots.
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I thought, what do people need?
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They what do I need?
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I need to be resilient, people need to be resilient.
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And that's when I put together the course called Tools for Resilient Workforce.
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And at the time it was very difficult for me to reach out to people saying, Hey, I've got this course, do you need this?
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Now it's not so much because I've worked through that.
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But one of the things I learned way back when I was doing my graduate work in a young women's emergency shelter, back then we talked about risk and protective factors, now we talk about resilience.
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I learned what was important, it was connection.
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And then as I studied resilience over the last 20 years, resilience is not just bouncing back, it is learning from the things we've been through.
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So, absolutely, the first two awful things prepared me for the third one.
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Wow, I love that.
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I love that it it it makes me want to squirrel in a hundred different places.
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Um that you you had wrote, you had said something around identity and how when how so talk about identity and what are the things that you may have had to let go of or take on in lieu of what was going on in your life?
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Yeah, the first time was letting go of what I thought other people thought were important was important because at the time when I first left my role and when it I went out as a consultant, I was somebody.
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I was the vice president of the Association of Academic Researchers of Ontario.
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And you know, like does anyone else care?
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No, but it meant something to me and the people in my bubble.
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And I think you hear from a lot of people who leave the corporate world that that gave you a sense of your yourself or your self-worth.
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So that was very difficult.
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And I had to start thinking about what actually matters to me.
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Well, flexibility with my kids matters to me, creativity matters to me, being able to direct who I worked with coming out of a talks or workplace mattered, but then went through it again through a divorce.
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Going through a divorce in a small town is very challenging because no one does that here.
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So, again, your sense of identity and even shifting from a consultant to someone who is running a business trying that is an identity I'm still working through.
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I didn't set out to do this, right?
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Like it's the same thing.
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Yeah, it's a different mindset, totally, yeah, yeah.
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Wow, wow, wow, wow.
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So when um you left corporate America or cor I say corporate America, corporate Canada, corporate world, yes, yeah, it's all America, yeah.
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Oh my god, I'm kidding.
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But yes, it's all her brother podcast.
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Oh my god, corporate Canada.
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We need when I left, yeah.
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We need adult beverages for that one.
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Um so um when you left corporate and you no longer had that identity, what was one of the first things you did to get grounded in what really matters?
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That's a great question.
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I think there were a couple things that I knew enough to do back then.
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I've always been a journal or someone who writes stuff down.
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Um, so that was a big part of it.
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I wasn't meditating back then the way I do now, but I I was writing stuff down, not just writing down how I felt in journaling, but writing down what do I need to do to be successful?
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And I had a less um clear picture of how to do that back then compared to now.
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But I also reached out to everybody that I knew who was in my network from the worlds that I had worked in back then, let them know what I was doing, asked them to stay in touch, and asked them to let me know if they had work.
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And so that was my way of sort of saying, hey, it allowed me to keep my network without being there because I could still check in with them, I could still have that part of my identity with them.
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And um, even they ended up being a great source of my network that provided me with um reason like with work for the first little while, but also I didn't lose all the people in my life, which I think happens for a lot of people too.
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So it connection, it comes back to connection again, and then started seeking out new connections in this new world.
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And if I had known then what I know now about women's networks and the support that exists, it would have probably been easier.
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Wow.
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So your women's networks, how many do you belong to?
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Fewer now because it's a lot, and because I'm starting my own community.
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Um, I became a women's certified business, both in Canada and the US.
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So the um We Bank, uh Women's, We Connect, sorry, international.
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Those two I belong to.
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And that's a great opportunity.
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I belong, I just joined the Rotary Club.
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That's an international club.
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I just joined that.
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Yeah.
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And that again is for connection and to give back.
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And I I'm a part of a couple, one international women's group, um, Grow Your Biz.
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They're an international group, a mentor, like a circle group, and um another local one here.
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And they're all monthly kind of if you know, monthly kind of commitments, but they expand your circle and connection and keep you grounded in people because to your point around identity, as you're shifting your identity, having people who understand you is really helpful, which is why I like talking to people like you.
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Oh right.
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So who in your circle?
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Now, this could be your women's circle, or it could be in um your, I want to say inner circle, um, close friends, mentors, as you were going through your identity shifts say multiple times, is what is one thing that kept coming up for you that helped you stay focused, stay grounded, and it was advice from somebody else.
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I think that each of those times, there have been some people who've been consistent through all of them, but your point that you made at the very beginning about how other people have walked this path, everyone has felt the emotion that you've felt.
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Having people who have gone through that is so important, and not just gone through it so it all phases going through it with you, but gone through it and on the other side is super helpful.
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And I love talking to people in all of the stages, but you for example, there are some networks that served me well when I was starting as a consultant that don't fit as well now.
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I can still engage with them in a different way, but I need to talk about different things now, and they might not necessarily be ready to talk about those.
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So it was always different people and finding people who'd been through it.
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I haven't found a lot of people who have been able to help me with all three stages, but they've not necessarily not been there because a lot of my friends don't have their own business, right?
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I don't know if right, like it's different, it's the same, it's very different.
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I mean, the struggles are just I don't want to even say struggles, it it's the challenges that you face and how you have to figure things out on a daily basis.
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Like, you know, I I often say I've learned more in the last four years than I have in my entire adult life.
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Yes, because it's you're navigating a whole different world, correct?
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Yeah, and guess what?
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Solo Panor, tag you're it.
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You're the one figuring it out, you're the marketer, you're the the the CFO, you're the you're the HR person, like you're all of it, yeah, and it's incredibly rewarding because you get it is for me.
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I'm going to assume that you enjoy that part of it too.
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It can also be overwhelming, but you get a freedom and creativity that isn't necessarily there when you're not making the decisions in this way.
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Totally, I completely agree.
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And I think about um the freedom that, you know, it's a Friday afternoon, and before we started recording, how you were like, guess what?
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I get to do this afternoon.
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And I am unapologetic because I get to do it.
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Yeah, that's right.
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I do.
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And uh Monday I might go um and spend some time with my daughter and his girlfriend, you know, like it.
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I get to do those things.
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Does it mean I'm working on the weekend?
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Probably, right?
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Like, probably I'll do some work, but I get to decide that and I get to decide what's important on your own terms.
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Yeah, I think so.
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Beautiful.
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Beautiful.
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I love that.
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So in your journey, did you get to a point or have you been to a point where you found that there was either a role, a situation, or a person, or a space that no longer served you?
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And what did you do?
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How did you know?
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Um, I mean well, let me talk about when I went out on my own.
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Um I think I'll talk about this because I know there are a lot of people in a similar position.
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Uh, and maybe the world is different now because it's not like you can just leave and start things in the same way that you could back then.
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And my situation is different now because I'm single, and had I not had a partner then, um, perhaps I couldn't have done it.
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But I was in a really toxic workplace, really toxic to the point where um I didn't like going to work.
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I felt like um there were a couple people.
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Well, let's put it this way: when I started work there nine years earlier, the day I walked in and was setting up my office, one person came in and said, So great to have you here, Teresa.
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Um, it's great to have you here, but don't trust those people.
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And then an hour later, those people came in and said, Great to have you here, but don't trust those people.
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That's the kind of place it was, right?
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And so as I was leaving in 2009, I actually was having a hard time.
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My marriage was I had three kids, it was a lot, and I asked to go um part-time.
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And I even brought a proposal to say, I think this person could handle these things, this person could handle these things.
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These things aren't really important, they could probably be dropped.
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And seven weeks later, because I asked every week from my superintendent, I was sitting in my superintendent's office crying, um, saying, like, my I can't handle this, I need to go part-time.
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I'll take it to leadership table.
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And she didn't do it, she did not do it.
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Uh, week after week, she just kept saying, No, I haven't taken it yet, no, haven't taken it yet.
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And finally, two months later, I just said, Okay, like I'm I'm done.
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And that forced the resignation.
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Um, to the point, I think that was the tipping point, really realizing that they didn't care.
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They were not concerned about my mental health, and probably they avoided in retrospect, like if I had known then what I know now, they were probably trying to force me out because there were school like budget cut, all those things.
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It was just an easy way to cut a roll.
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Yeah.
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So I think when people don't listen to you when you express um that you're struggling, is a good time to get the hell out of there.
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Yeah.
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Wise words, yeah, wise words, lives experience.
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So that's what I knew at that time.
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But I mean, I'm still going through it now.
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Is it time to change things up and sell my house and downsize now that I'll be in a different phase of life?
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And lots of people my age are doing that.
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So maybe.
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Wow, there's there's so what's coming up for you when you're thinking about that?
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What's coming up in internally?
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Um, I think that again, that's that external expectation that you don't want to sell your house.
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If you don't have a house, that means you're not doing well at this, like all of those things, those external things.
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But they aren't living my life.
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The people who are around me um don't own a business.
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I would rather have less maintenance and be able to travel and go see my kids who are in different places now.
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So it's almost like I feel like this is the right thing to do, but the world expects me to not do it because the smarter thing is to hold on to your home in this economy.
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You know what I mean?
00:22:51.599 --> 00:22:53.519
Like that's what's coming up for me.
00:22:54.160 --> 00:22:54.799
Mm-hmm.
00:22:55.599 --> 00:22:56.160
Mm-hmm.
00:22:58.640 --> 00:23:01.599
So I'll let you know in a couple months what decisions have been made.
00:23:01.759 --> 00:23:02.000
Yeah.
00:23:02.240 --> 00:23:02.480
Yeah.
00:23:02.640 --> 00:23:06.880
Because at the end of the day, I love that you're basically an empty nester.
00:23:07.359 --> 00:23:07.759
I am.
00:23:07.839 --> 00:23:08.160
Yep.
00:23:08.400 --> 00:23:09.279
With a big home.
00:23:09.599 --> 00:23:11.759
Four-bedroom home that I do not need.
00:23:12.079 --> 00:23:17.440
No, no, I mean it's wasted space that another young family could use.
00:23:17.839 --> 00:23:18.160
That's right.
00:23:18.720 --> 00:23:19.200
That's right.
00:23:19.519 --> 00:23:28.559
And um the expectations of having the home because it's equity and an asset is one thing.
00:23:28.799 --> 00:23:29.359
Yep.
00:23:29.599 --> 00:23:33.119
And then the other thing, is there any other expectations?
00:23:34.240 --> 00:23:36.400
Well, the family gatherings, I think.
00:23:36.559 --> 00:23:43.200
Um, where are we gonna have Christmas and well, I have room to have everyone home, but that rarely happens now.
00:23:43.519 --> 00:23:52.559
So because everyone's not because we don't all when we get together, like we're all going to my kids are in their 20s, 18 to 23.
00:23:52.799 --> 00:23:55.519
We're all going to a water park next week, right?
00:23:55.599 --> 00:24:06.559
Like we do things together, but really here only maybe for Christmas, which could be done elsewhere in one of their homes.
00:24:06.880 --> 00:24:08.160
They're going to have homes.
00:24:08.400 --> 00:24:27.920
So um, I think I think all of the things are important around tradition and um having a place to nest, but I also think it's okay to choose something different and be able to go to them more often and easily easily.
00:24:28.720 --> 00:24:30.319
Those are the things that come up.
00:24:30.559 --> 00:24:32.960
Kind of, yeah, that's how I feel.
00:24:33.279 --> 00:24:35.839
Now it's their turn, and really it's your turn.
00:24:36.000 --> 00:24:37.759
It's your turn too.
00:24:38.319 --> 00:24:39.279
That's right.
00:24:39.599 --> 00:24:41.119
Yeah, yeah.
00:24:41.440 --> 00:24:43.279
So those are the things that come up.
00:24:43.359 --> 00:24:44.559
It's like an internal pressure.
00:24:44.720 --> 00:24:46.160
Is this the right thing financially?
00:24:46.319 --> 00:24:47.519
Is this the right thing?
00:24:47.680 --> 00:24:49.920
You know, what makes more sense?
00:24:50.160 --> 00:24:56.799
Also recognizing physically, I don't really want to maintain a yard and all of those things anymore.
00:24:57.119 --> 00:24:58.000
I just don't.
00:24:58.319 --> 00:24:59.519
And don't blame you.
00:25:00.240 --> 00:25:00.480
Yeah.
00:25:00.960 --> 00:25:02.240
I don't blame you one bit.
00:25:02.480 --> 00:25:04.240
I've been doing it 10 years on my own.
00:25:04.319 --> 00:25:06.960
I'm okay to not do it for monster.
00:25:07.519 --> 00:25:13.759
I I I give you lots of procs for even doing 10 years on your own.
00:25:14.240 --> 00:25:14.559
Yeah.
00:25:16.000 --> 00:25:16.319
Yeah.
00:25:16.480 --> 00:25:20.079
So I'm uh those are the external, internal pressures.
00:25:20.160 --> 00:25:22.400
Will people think I'm a failure if I sell the home?
00:25:22.559 --> 00:25:24.720
Will people kind of like when you left your corporate work?
00:25:25.200 --> 00:25:26.559
Do people think that I can't handle it?
00:25:26.640 --> 00:25:28.079
Am I a failure?
00:25:28.559 --> 00:25:33.519
And realizing that isn't doesn't really have much to do with it.
00:25:34.079 --> 00:25:35.359
Yeah, it really doesn't.
00:25:36.160 --> 00:25:36.960
It really doesn't.
00:25:37.119 --> 00:25:44.799
Again, it goes back to those are inherited conditions that other people are putting on your life.
00:25:44.880 --> 00:25:49.359
That God, do you really need to be okay with those?
00:25:49.599 --> 00:25:50.319
That's right.
00:25:50.480 --> 00:25:55.519
And I think I'm sure did you experience that when you transitioned into what you're doing now?
00:25:56.000 --> 00:25:57.039
Well, it's interesting.
00:25:57.200 --> 00:26:03.440
When I transitioned into what I was what I'm doing now, it there really was no other choice.
00:26:03.680 --> 00:26:04.000
Right.
00:26:04.240 --> 00:26:07.200
There wasn't any, like I had no hesitation.
00:26:07.920 --> 00:26:10.000
Not one bit of hesitation.
00:26:10.559 --> 00:26:29.440
Um but I find that like when I transitioned from different roles in my past, I would have some of those expectations of gosh, you're gonna go there and you're gonna work for them, and well, we'll see about that.
00:26:29.680 --> 00:26:30.079
Right.
00:26:30.319 --> 00:26:54.720
But it's so interesting is I find that when we reflect on the expectations that of others on us, and we when we look at their growth and expansion or lack thereof, and look at ours because we've had the courage to evolve and move and expand, they're still where they're at.
00:26:55.279 --> 00:26:56.319
That's right.
00:26:56.799 --> 00:27:18.319
It which is um, I'm not sure if you have experienced this, but one of the challenges that you do face when you're in this place and trying to expand and grow and develop your next leap go down the next path, uh, is a lot of people aren't really wanting you to go there because they don't understand.
00:27:19.279 --> 00:27:28.799
And if something important that I've learned is if you do go with what other people expect, you will never get to where you want to be.
00:27:29.200 --> 00:27:34.559
They have no idea where you're headed or where your dreams are taking you.
00:27:35.519 --> 00:27:36.880
So, yeah.
00:27:37.279 --> 00:27:40.559
Beautiful, and so right, so right.
00:27:41.119 --> 00:27:46.559
Why well, I actually, as I was talking about that, I was just thinking about Dolly Parton.
00:27:46.720 --> 00:27:48.480
Of course, everyone's talking about Dolly Parton.
00:27:48.559 --> 00:27:49.680
Oh, right?
00:27:50.160 --> 00:27:59.519
Yes, yes, but when you think about how she talked about, well, what do you did you have you seen the Barbara Walters clip with doll uh with Dolly Parton?
00:27:59.759 --> 00:28:05.680
Have you seen that interview where where um Barbara Walters is kind of saying, you don't have to dress like that.
00:28:05.759 --> 00:28:18.720
You're a beautiful woman, you don't have to wear those things, you don't have to dress like that, you don't have to, and and I can't remember exactly what Dolly said, but the gist of it was um I can do what I want.
00:28:18.799 --> 00:28:21.039
I'm not really worried about what other people say.
00:28:21.759 --> 00:28:32.640
And she wasn't, and she could she grew to the expansion that she is because she wanted to live the way she wanted to live and wasn't concerned about it.
00:28:32.720 --> 00:28:33.920
So it's a good reminder.
00:28:34.079 --> 00:28:44.319
She's been a good reminder for me this week, looking through all the tributes that that was what allowed her to expand because she didn't care.
00:28:45.039 --> 00:28:46.079
Absolutely.
00:28:46.400 --> 00:28:51.200
Gosh, the whole I I'm gonna be unapologetically me.
00:28:52.400 --> 00:29:02.240
Yes, and she was unapologetically her, which I think some of us feel that if we do that, we're being selfish.
00:29:02.559 --> 00:29:06.559
But she was clearly one of the most selfless people.
00:29:07.119 --> 00:29:16.160
You can still be you and still be incredibly generous and kind, and I'm not sure that we always realize that those two things go together.
00:29:16.720 --> 00:29:17.359
Yeah.
00:29:18.000 --> 00:29:18.640
Wow.
00:29:20.720 --> 00:29:22.960
Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like that.
00:29:23.119 --> 00:29:23.440
Yeah.
00:29:23.839 --> 00:29:24.480
No, no.
00:29:24.559 --> 00:29:27.759
I mean, at the end of the day, it's how you feel, it's your filter.
00:29:27.920 --> 00:29:30.160
I don't think that that there's a right or wrong there.
00:29:30.240 --> 00:29:31.440
That's your experience.
00:29:32.240 --> 00:29:32.559
Right?
00:29:32.720 --> 00:29:39.039
Yeah, and and your experience, your lived experience, has gotten you to that conclusion thus far.
00:29:39.359 --> 00:29:43.519
Now give you another 10 years, you might have a different point of view.
00:29:43.759 --> 00:29:44.960
Yes, that's right.
00:29:45.119 --> 00:29:51.839
Well, I think that's another important thing for people to remember is that we do change even when we think we're adults, we're still changing.
00:29:52.079 --> 00:29:52.960
Every day.
00:29:53.200 --> 00:29:55.039
Every day, every day.
00:29:55.279 --> 00:30:05.759
I mean, I I sit and think about oh, I had I had my my sister came down and visited me, and she's like, so high school.
00:30:05.920 --> 00:30:12.000
Like she's she's like talking about folks that we went to high school with, and I'm like, yeah.
00:30:12.799 --> 00:30:16.720
So and uh and she's like, Well, don't you care?
00:30:17.759 --> 00:30:18.640
No, not really.
00:30:18.799 --> 00:30:20.720
I don't like you do you.
00:30:20.880 --> 00:30:23.680
Like, I have a sign in my office that says you do you.
00:30:23.839 --> 00:30:25.680
Yeah, you do you, boo.
00:30:26.079 --> 00:30:32.079
Like, I don't care that they've gone through three divorces, that's their journey, not mine.
00:30:32.160 --> 00:30:34.079
I'm not here to judge, I'm on my own.
00:30:34.319 --> 00:30:38.000
Yeah, let me stick to my own stuff.
00:30:38.240 --> 00:30:45.680
Yeah, I think that's um um that's a trait I admire in people, and something that I try to live as well.
00:30:45.759 --> 00:30:51.920
And one of the best compliments I've had uh from my kids is that, yeah, mom, you don't ever really care what people do.
00:30:52.079 --> 00:30:56.960
Like you're interested, but you don't care, like you don't feel like you're less than or more than.
00:30:57.039 --> 00:31:01.039
I was like, no, and they were like, Yeah, that's and one of them said, like, yeah, I like that about you.
00:31:01.119 --> 00:31:03.759
And I thought that's freaking great, man, because I don't care.
00:31:03.920 --> 00:31:05.359
Do your stuff.
00:31:05.920 --> 00:31:08.240
You do you, yeah.
00:31:09.440 --> 00:31:10.400
I love that.
00:31:10.559 --> 00:31:11.279
I love that.
00:31:11.519 --> 00:31:19.119
So as you sit here today on August 28th, and it's about 11 o'clock, Eastern Standard.
00:31:19.359 --> 00:31:29.359
What is one expectation that others have of you that you are currently working to move aside?
00:31:29.680 --> 00:31:32.559
We talked about the house selling the house.
00:31:32.720 --> 00:31:34.240
Is there another one?
00:31:35.119 --> 00:31:55.680
I think that I have gotten exceptionally uh exceptionally good, especially in the hockey world, uh stereotype, but really I'm in the hockey world in Canada and have dealt in advocacy ways in a very male white space and in other places with very and gone going through what I've gone through.
00:31:55.759 --> 00:32:19.680
I think it's really easy to put up a barrier shell, which allows me to deal often very succinctly, without emotion, with difficult conversations that are actually hurtful, which I value, but has also meant that I've pulled back on expressing my opinion sometimes.
00:32:20.480 --> 00:32:35.440
And I think that I need to get back to leaning into that and instead of engaging with people because I think it's important to listen to other viewpoints, just being distancing them.
00:32:35.519 --> 00:32:37.279
I don't need that anymore.
00:32:38.000 --> 00:32:44.960
So it's softening a little bit, perhaps, but also putting up a different kind of barrier.
00:32:45.119 --> 00:32:46.799
That's where I'm at right now.
00:32:47.440 --> 00:32:52.799
Losing the shell, putting up a different barrier to keep out the really toxic people.
00:32:52.880 --> 00:32:55.279
I do not need to engage that anymore.
00:32:55.599 --> 00:33:09.039
Yeah, I would say what how about this barrier, the barrier connotation is like I think about the Berlin Wall, I think about the Wall of China, right?
00:33:09.119 --> 00:33:12.400
They're very like I am clad.
00:33:12.799 --> 00:33:13.440
Yes, you're right.
00:33:13.839 --> 00:33:21.200
Like and then, but what I what I'm hearing, yes, the barrier to keep us safe, the protection to keep us safe.
00:33:21.440 --> 00:33:22.000
That's right.
00:33:22.240 --> 00:33:27.119
What's also coming up for me is more boundary, yeah, absolutely.
00:33:27.279 --> 00:33:27.759
Yeah, yeah.
00:33:28.000 --> 00:33:31.200
So maybe yeah, yeah.
00:33:32.319 --> 00:33:41.920
So maybe removing the barrier with softer but firm boundaries in certain areas, yeah.
00:33:42.160 --> 00:33:58.240
Yeah, because I think that it's really easy to become a very uh um, even though I'm kind, I'm not a cruel person, but it becomes really easy to be have a shell up and it doesn't feel good.
00:33:58.559 --> 00:33:58.880
Yeah.
00:33:59.119 --> 00:33:59.440
For me.
00:33:59.599 --> 00:34:00.319
Well, yeah.
00:34:00.960 --> 00:34:02.880
Brene Brown dare to leave.
00:34:03.119 --> 00:34:04.319
Yeah, yes, exactly.
00:34:04.720 --> 00:34:08.159
Armored armored leadership, courageous leadership.
00:34:08.320 --> 00:34:08.880
That's right.
00:34:09.039 --> 00:34:10.559
Courage over comfort.
00:34:10.719 --> 00:34:11.039
Yeah.
00:34:11.280 --> 00:34:13.280
That's what's coming up for me right now.
00:34:13.519 --> 00:34:14.800
Yeah, yeah.
00:34:15.039 --> 00:34:16.159
I think that's it.
00:34:16.320 --> 00:34:29.199
And uh I don't want to give the impression that I have been um that I have not been open, but it's I think there's some room going to a concert tonight, for example, is a good way.
00:34:29.440 --> 00:34:34.400
Yeah, going to do what I'm doing tonight is a good way to uh sort of soften up a little bit, I think.
00:34:34.639 --> 00:34:36.320
That's awesome on a Friday afternoon.
00:34:36.639 --> 00:34:37.360
I love that.
00:34:37.679 --> 00:34:42.239
Well, and I also think about in a male-dominated environment.
00:34:44.400 --> 00:34:46.400
I've been in a couple of those.
00:34:48.159 --> 00:34:58.239
And it is oftentimes as a female, we need to present that we have bigger balls than they do.
00:35:00.239 --> 00:35:02.480
We have to cut right to the chase.
00:35:02.639 --> 00:35:07.840
I've been told I am the main character in the show baller.
00:35:08.079 --> 00:35:10.639
I've never watched that show.
00:35:11.039 --> 00:35:18.239
But that's I guess that's the the I don't I you know, there's a level of do I put up with bullshit?
00:35:18.400 --> 00:35:20.000
No, I'm not gonna put up with bullshit.
00:35:20.079 --> 00:35:21.440
I'm just for that.
00:35:21.679 --> 00:35:21.840
Right.
00:35:22.400 --> 00:35:24.079
But that's how I come across.
00:35:24.239 --> 00:35:34.559
Not that I am guarded, but I am not gonna put up with any yeah, uh, you know, uh archaic way of thinking.
00:35:34.719 --> 00:35:38.639
I am here and that here I'm here for a reason and we're here to do a job.
00:35:38.800 --> 00:35:41.679
So let's roll up our sleeves and get it done, you know.
00:35:41.760 --> 00:35:45.199
But that that gives us the perception of we're a hard ass.
00:35:45.440 --> 00:35:45.840
Yeah.
00:35:46.079 --> 00:35:48.079
You know, yeah, yeah.
00:35:48.320 --> 00:35:49.039
I can see that.
00:35:49.119 --> 00:35:57.519
And you, I mean, from what I know of you, you do have a big personality, which is really one of your strengths, but would intimidate some people.
00:35:57.679 --> 00:35:59.840
I'm sure you've been told you're intimidating.
00:36:00.000 --> 00:36:01.280
Yes, right?
00:36:01.840 --> 00:36:04.800
Um, and I've been told that as well.
00:36:04.960 --> 00:36:08.639
I'm not intimidating like for anyone who knows me, I'm not.
00:36:08.719 --> 00:36:16.960
And but I think the anticipation has, and maybe this is what I'm thinking of is um it it has caused me.
00:36:17.039 --> 00:36:30.320
I'm really great at uh facilitating and being the center of the room when I have to be, but when I'm not doing that, I'm often on the wall just observing, I'm never the center of the of attention.
00:36:31.440 --> 00:36:32.159
Love that.
00:36:32.559 --> 00:36:33.760
Speaking my language.
00:36:34.719 --> 00:36:36.559
Well, thank you for joining us.
00:36:36.719 --> 00:36:38.320
I so appreciate it.
00:36:38.480 --> 00:36:43.360
And hey, I would love to have another conversation with you again in the future.
00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:12.640
So talk about identity and what are the things that you may have had to let go of or take on in lieu of what was going on in your life.
00:00:13.199 --> 00:00:22.480
Yeah, the first time was letting go of what I thought other people thought were important was important.
00:00:31.519 --> 00:00:34.880
Welcome to the Stop Performing Life podcast.
00:00:35.039 --> 00:00:39.840
I am Melissa Tassey, and this is the Human Connection Movement.
00:00:41.119 --> 00:00:58.719
Each week, my guests and I will explore what it means to stop performing, reconnect to what matters most, and intentionally create a life that feels deeply aligned with who you are.
00:01:00.399 --> 00:01:02.880
You did not press play by accident.
00:01:03.520 --> 00:01:06.719
Maybe this is the pause you've been waiting for.
00:01:08.079 --> 00:01:09.359
Let's begin.
00:01:10.560 --> 00:01:16.560
Hey guys, thanks for joining me today again for the Stop Performing Life podcast.
00:01:16.719 --> 00:01:21.280
I am with the guest today, Teresa Bailey.
00:01:21.599 --> 00:01:23.920
Thank you for joining me today.
00:01:24.239 --> 00:01:25.519
Thank you for having me.
00:01:25.599 --> 00:01:26.480
I'm so excited.
00:01:26.560 --> 00:01:29.519
It's always lovely to have a conversation with you.
00:01:30.159 --> 00:01:32.560
Yes, we totally vibe.
00:01:32.959 --> 00:01:34.239
Totally vibe.
00:01:34.879 --> 00:01:35.599
Absolutely.
00:01:35.760 --> 00:01:40.640
And uh yeah, you never know where a great connection is going to come from, and we've found it.
00:01:41.120 --> 00:01:42.000
Exactly right.
00:01:42.079 --> 00:01:46.959
And I'm very grateful you reached out via LinkedIn, just out of the blue.
00:01:47.519 --> 00:01:56.560
It's sort of what I do, which maybe we'll get into, but absolutely, I think uh it's important to continue to expand our network and learn from people.
00:01:56.640 --> 00:01:59.280
So I'm glad uh this one worked out.
00:01:59.760 --> 00:02:00.640
Awesome.
00:02:01.120 --> 00:02:08.080
So I'm gonna give just a quick bio, your bio, for our listeners.
00:02:08.479 --> 00:02:18.639
So Teresa Bailey has spent more than 25 years helping people and organizations change, connect, and work better together.
00:02:19.039 --> 00:02:31.840
Her work has reached thousands of people across more than 200 organizations, from corporate and government teams to educators, healthcare professionals, and Olympic athletes.
00:02:32.960 --> 00:02:42.319
Her focus is simple creating experiences that don't just feel good in the room, but actually change what happens afterwards.
00:02:43.199 --> 00:02:55.680
As a founder and CEO of Starfish Synergies Inc., Teresa is known for bringing research, creativity, and a decidingly unconventional approach to the workplace learning.
00:02:56.240 --> 00:03:04.479
She holds she holds the exclusive North America license with Hasbro to deliver Play-Doh-powered solutions.
00:03:05.840 --> 00:03:17.360
This using experiential learning learning to tackle everything from adaptability and leadership to communication, resilience, and team effectiveness.
00:03:18.159 --> 00:03:21.120
And of course, this is not what she had planned.
00:03:22.159 --> 00:03:37.120
Teresa is also the best-selling author of Hockey Mom's The Heart of the Game, published by HarperCollins and an award-winning entrepreneur whose work is expanding across Canada and the US.
00:03:37.520 --> 00:03:45.360
She lives in a small town in Ontario, Canada, where she cherishes her time with her family and too many pets.
00:03:46.000 --> 00:03:47.680
So, welcome again.
00:03:47.840 --> 00:03:53.280
I wanted to make sure we grounded everybody in your amazing work.
00:03:53.919 --> 00:03:54.879
Thank you so much.
00:03:55.039 --> 00:03:59.520
Yeah, it's a little unconventional, but I feel like that's why we're here talking.
00:03:59.759 --> 00:04:00.400
Yeah.
00:04:00.639 --> 00:04:07.199
So let's start off with like, tell me how you got to where you are now.
00:04:08.560 --> 00:04:09.680
Oh my goodness.
00:04:09.840 --> 00:04:19.600
Um, in terms of the Play-Doh stuff, that actually came also from a LinkedIn connection, which is why I believe so strongly in connecting.
00:04:19.680 --> 00:04:47.439
And the the short long story is that growing up in a small town here in Ontario, moving away, um, wanting to be a sports psychologist, and then ending up doing some research, finding out that I didn't want to be a sport psychologist uh when I had met someone who grew up as me, ended up back um studying community psychology and adaptability, and then going into consulting after my third child was born.
00:04:47.600 --> 00:04:57.120
And um, as many has happened to many of us, lost everything over March 2020 and had to figure it out.
00:04:57.360 --> 00:05:12.959
So put together a course called Tools for Resilient Workforce, ended up getting uh doing one LinkedIn post that was seen by the VP of Marketing Hasbro Canada, who asked me to work with his team, asked me to incorporate Play-Doh into that workshop because he knew I was doing other stuff.
00:05:13.199 --> 00:05:24.160
And uh from there ended up uh it went so well that we ended up um with the exclusive North American license to use Play-Doh power solutions in corporate training.
00:05:24.319 --> 00:05:31.600
So that's the gist of how I ended up working with Play-Doh, but the rest of the journey is sort of a wild ride beyond that, too.
00:05:31.839 --> 00:05:39.120
And I know that most people have those sort of journeys where you you don't really know what's coming next.
00:05:39.439 --> 00:05:40.959
Yeah, exactly right.
00:05:41.199 --> 00:05:42.240
Exactly right.
00:05:42.480 --> 00:06:03.439
And so during your journey, when I think about the stop performing life and this human connection movement, that I am, I truly believe this is my life's work and my life calling, my purpose is to help folks understand that all of our stories are connected.
00:06:03.680 --> 00:06:10.079
There isn't one feeling that we have not felt that somebody else has not felt, right?
00:06:10.160 --> 00:06:13.040
So we all feel the same feels, right?
00:06:13.680 --> 00:06:28.399
And the other thing too is that anchored in, we have not walked this path alone, somebody has walked it before, and again, that's where the stories come from.
00:06:28.720 --> 00:06:53.279
So, what I would love you to do, and and if you have, if you're comfortable, is share a moment where an event happened, and it could be March of 2020, where you had to like really pause, evaluate, and decide what was next.
00:06:54.399 --> 00:06:58.160
Yeah, I mean, I think that you're exactly right.
00:06:58.319 --> 00:07:02.399
Everyone has felt what we've felt, and sometimes you need to lean into that.
00:07:02.560 --> 00:07:07.680
Um, for I think there were three in my adult life, there have been three different times.
00:07:07.839 --> 00:07:15.920
The first one was making the decision to leave my corporate job as a researcher and education and setting and what that does to your identity.
00:07:16.000 --> 00:07:20.000
And I did that to be able to work with my kids, um, have some more flexibility.
00:07:20.240 --> 00:07:32.800
The second time was in 2026 when my marriage fell apart, and I had to figure out how to handle that and what to do and take that risk as a self-employed person at that point, which is terrifying to go out on my own.
00:07:32.959 --> 00:07:41.439
Um, and then the third part, the third time was definitely in 2020 when I really had to dig in and figure out how do I do this?
00:07:41.600 --> 00:07:42.800
What do I do?
00:07:42.959 --> 00:07:58.959
Um, and from that place of expansion, looking at it as expansion rather than collapse, I I think that that is um something I was able to do after being through the previous two times.
00:07:59.920 --> 00:08:03.360
So wow, wow.
00:08:03.680 --> 00:08:08.800
So the first two times prepared you for the last time.
00:08:09.120 --> 00:08:26.639
I feel like it, and I'm I'm pretty sure things aren't over, you know, like um what but when we talk about so coincidentally, my course that I was delivering mostly to the federal government at the time was tools for a resilient workforce.
00:08:26.800 --> 00:08:32.559
So when I lost everything in March of 2020, I had to think, okay, what am I gonna do?
00:08:32.639 --> 00:08:35.279
Because we're not delivering stuff in person anymore.
00:08:35.360 --> 00:08:37.919
Uh and I don't know what's gonna happen.
00:08:38.000 --> 00:08:41.120
I've got three kids, I'm a single mom and a mortgage with a mortgage.
00:08:41.279 --> 00:08:42.559
So I went back to my roots.
00:08:42.639 --> 00:08:44.000
I thought, what do people need?
00:08:44.159 --> 00:08:45.519
They what do I need?
00:08:45.679 --> 00:08:48.559
I need to be resilient, people need to be resilient.
00:08:48.639 --> 00:08:52.799
And that's when I put together the course called Tools for Resilient Workforce.
00:08:53.120 --> 00:09:00.320
And at the time it was very difficult for me to reach out to people saying, Hey, I've got this course, do you need this?
00:09:00.480 --> 00:09:02.879
Now it's not so much because I've worked through that.
00:09:03.039 --> 00:09:13.360
But one of the things I learned way back when I was doing my graduate work in a young women's emergency shelter, back then we talked about risk and protective factors, now we talk about resilience.
00:09:13.600 --> 00:09:16.000
I learned what was important, it was connection.
00:09:16.159 --> 00:09:23.519
And then as I studied resilience over the last 20 years, resilience is not just bouncing back, it is learning from the things we've been through.
00:09:23.759 --> 00:09:28.559
So, absolutely, the first two awful things prepared me for the third one.
00:09:29.919 --> 00:09:31.279
Wow, I love that.
00:09:31.519 --> 00:09:35.840
I love that it it it makes me want to squirrel in a hundred different places.
00:09:36.080 --> 00:09:58.159
Um that you you had wrote, you had said something around identity and how when how so talk about identity and what are the things that you may have had to let go of or take on in lieu of what was going on in your life?
00:09:58.639 --> 00:10:15.519
Yeah, the first time was letting go of what I thought other people thought were important was important because at the time when I first left my role and when it I went out as a consultant, I was somebody.
00:10:15.759 --> 00:10:20.720
I was the vice president of the Association of Academic Researchers of Ontario.
00:10:20.960 --> 00:10:22.799
And you know, like does anyone else care?
00:10:22.960 --> 00:10:26.080
No, but it meant something to me and the people in my bubble.
00:10:26.240 --> 00:10:37.600
And I think you hear from a lot of people who leave the corporate world that that gave you a sense of your yourself or your self-worth.
00:10:37.840 --> 00:10:39.200
So that was very difficult.
00:10:39.279 --> 00:10:42.399
And I had to start thinking about what actually matters to me.
00:10:42.559 --> 00:10:55.200
Well, flexibility with my kids matters to me, creativity matters to me, being able to direct who I worked with coming out of a talks or workplace mattered, but then went through it again through a divorce.
00:10:55.279 --> 00:11:00.559
Going through a divorce in a small town is very challenging because no one does that here.
00:11:00.799 --> 00:11:11.440
So, again, your sense of identity and even shifting from a consultant to someone who is running a business trying that is an identity I'm still working through.
00:11:11.679 --> 00:11:13.919
I didn't set out to do this, right?
00:11:14.240 --> 00:11:15.519
Like it's the same thing.
00:11:15.759 --> 00:11:20.960
Yeah, it's a different mindset, totally, yeah, yeah.
00:11:21.120 --> 00:11:23.039
Wow, wow, wow, wow.
00:11:23.360 --> 00:11:36.799
So when um you left corporate America or cor I say corporate America, corporate Canada, corporate world, yes, yeah, it's all America, yeah.
00:11:40.000 --> 00:11:41.519
Oh my god, I'm kidding.
00:11:41.600 --> 00:11:44.000
But yes, it's all her brother podcast.
00:11:44.960 --> 00:11:46.639
Oh my god, corporate Canada.
00:11:46.720 --> 00:11:49.200
We need when I left, yeah.
00:11:49.279 --> 00:11:51.360
We need adult beverages for that one.
00:11:51.600 --> 00:12:12.799
Um so um when you left corporate and you no longer had that identity, what was one of the first things you did to get grounded in what really matters?
00:12:13.279 --> 00:12:14.559
That's a great question.
00:12:14.799 --> 00:12:18.799
I think there were a couple things that I knew enough to do back then.
00:12:18.960 --> 00:12:22.720
I've always been a journal or someone who writes stuff down.
00:12:22.799 --> 00:12:24.879
Um, so that was a big part of it.
00:12:25.039 --> 00:12:38.320
I wasn't meditating back then the way I do now, but I I was writing stuff down, not just writing down how I felt in journaling, but writing down what do I need to do to be successful?
00:12:38.480 --> 00:12:44.480
And I had a less um clear picture of how to do that back then compared to now.
00:12:44.720 --> 00:13:00.639
But I also reached out to everybody that I knew who was in my network from the worlds that I had worked in back then, let them know what I was doing, asked them to stay in touch, and asked them to let me know if they had work.
00:13:00.799 --> 00:13:14.000
And so that was my way of sort of saying, hey, it allowed me to keep my network without being there because I could still check in with them, I could still have that part of my identity with them.
00:13:14.399 --> 00:13:30.480
And um, even they ended up being a great source of my network that provided me with um reason like with work for the first little while, but also I didn't lose all the people in my life, which I think happens for a lot of people too.
00:13:30.639 --> 00:13:37.120
So it connection, it comes back to connection again, and then started seeking out new connections in this new world.
00:13:37.360 --> 00:13:44.320
And if I had known then what I know now about women's networks and the support that exists, it would have probably been easier.
00:13:45.759 --> 00:13:46.399
Wow.
00:13:46.720 --> 00:13:51.279
So your women's networks, how many do you belong to?
00:13:51.840 --> 00:13:57.279
Fewer now because it's a lot, and because I'm starting my own community.
00:13:57.519 --> 00:14:02.960
Um, I became a women's certified business, both in Canada and the US.
00:14:03.039 --> 00:14:07.600
So the um We Bank, uh Women's, We Connect, sorry, international.
00:14:07.840 --> 00:14:08.879
Those two I belong to.
00:14:09.279 --> 00:14:10.720
And that's a great opportunity.
00:14:10.879 --> 00:14:12.879
I belong, I just joined the Rotary Club.
00:14:12.960 --> 00:14:14.000
That's an international club.
00:14:14.080 --> 00:14:15.200
I just joined that.
00:14:15.519 --> 00:14:15.919
Yeah.
00:14:16.080 --> 00:14:19.600
And that again is for connection and to give back.
00:14:20.000 --> 00:14:28.080
And I I'm a part of a couple, one international women's group, um, Grow Your Biz.
00:14:28.320 --> 00:14:34.639
They're an international group, a mentor, like a circle group, and um another local one here.
00:14:36.720 --> 00:15:00.480
And they're all monthly kind of if you know, monthly kind of commitments, but they expand your circle and connection and keep you grounded in people because to your point around identity, as you're shifting your identity, having people who understand you is really helpful, which is why I like talking to people like you.
00:15:00.720 --> 00:15:01.919
Oh right.
00:15:05.840 --> 00:15:08.399
So who in your circle?
00:15:08.559 --> 00:15:39.440
Now, this could be your women's circle, or it could be in um your, I want to say inner circle, um, close friends, mentors, as you were going through your identity shifts say multiple times, is what is one thing that kept coming up for you that helped you stay focused, stay grounded, and it was advice from somebody else.
00:15:40.320 --> 00:15:56.639
I think that each of those times, there have been some people who've been consistent through all of them, but your point that you made at the very beginning about how other people have walked this path, everyone has felt the emotion that you've felt.
00:15:56.960 --> 00:16:10.559
Having people who have gone through that is so important, and not just gone through it so it all phases going through it with you, but gone through it and on the other side is super helpful.
00:16:10.960 --> 00:16:22.879
And I love talking to people in all of the stages, but you for example, there are some networks that served me well when I was starting as a consultant that don't fit as well now.
00:16:23.039 --> 00:16:33.200
I can still engage with them in a different way, but I need to talk about different things now, and they might not necessarily be ready to talk about those.
00:16:33.440 --> 00:16:38.320
So it was always different people and finding people who'd been through it.
00:16:38.879 --> 00:16:49.200
I haven't found a lot of people who have been able to help me with all three stages, but they've not necessarily not been there because a lot of my friends don't have their own business, right?
00:16:49.360 --> 00:16:52.960
I don't know if right, like it's different, it's the same, it's very different.
00:16:53.120 --> 00:17:04.480
I mean, the struggles are just I don't want to even say struggles, it it's the challenges that you face and how you have to figure things out on a daily basis.
00:17:04.720 --> 00:17:13.039
Like, you know, I I often say I've learned more in the last four years than I have in my entire adult life.
00:17:13.359 --> 00:17:17.599
Yes, because it's you're navigating a whole different world, correct?
00:17:18.160 --> 00:17:20.160
Yeah, and guess what?
00:17:20.319 --> 00:17:22.319
Solo Panor, tag you're it.
00:17:23.200 --> 00:17:36.160
You're the one figuring it out, you're the marketer, you're the the the CFO, you're the you're the HR person, like you're all of it, yeah, and it's incredibly rewarding because you get it is for me.
00:17:36.319 --> 00:17:39.279
I'm going to assume that you enjoy that part of it too.
00:17:39.359 --> 00:17:49.839
It can also be overwhelming, but you get a freedom and creativity that isn't necessarily there when you're not making the decisions in this way.
00:17:50.160 --> 00:17:52.079
Totally, I completely agree.
00:17:52.160 --> 00:18:03.039
And I think about um the freedom that, you know, it's a Friday afternoon, and before we started recording, how you were like, guess what?
00:18:03.119 --> 00:18:04.720
I get to do this afternoon.
00:18:04.880 --> 00:18:08.400
And I am unapologetic because I get to do it.
00:18:08.720 --> 00:18:09.920
Yeah, that's right.
00:18:10.079 --> 00:18:10.640
I do.
00:18:10.799 --> 00:18:17.200
And uh Monday I might go um and spend some time with my daughter and his girlfriend, you know, like it.
00:18:17.279 --> 00:18:18.559
I get to do those things.
00:18:18.720 --> 00:18:20.400
Does it mean I'm working on the weekend?
00:18:20.559 --> 00:18:21.519
Probably, right?
00:18:21.680 --> 00:18:28.559
Like, probably I'll do some work, but I get to decide that and I get to decide what's important on your own terms.
00:18:28.799 --> 00:18:30.720
Yeah, I think so.
00:18:31.119 --> 00:18:31.680
Beautiful.
00:18:32.240 --> 00:18:32.559
Beautiful.
00:18:33.039 --> 00:18:33.839
I love that.
00:18:34.640 --> 00:18:56.559
So in your journey, did you get to a point or have you been to a point where you found that there was either a role, a situation, or a person, or a space that no longer served you?
00:18:58.160 --> 00:18:59.279
And what did you do?
00:19:00.799 --> 00:19:01.680
How did you know?
00:19:02.480 --> 00:19:10.160
Um, I mean well, let me talk about when I went out on my own.
00:19:10.400 --> 00:19:17.039
Um I think I'll talk about this because I know there are a lot of people in a similar position.
00:19:17.359 --> 00:19:23.680
Uh, and maybe the world is different now because it's not like you can just leave and start things in the same way that you could back then.
00:19:23.759 --> 00:19:29.839
And my situation is different now because I'm single, and had I not had a partner then, um, perhaps I couldn't have done it.
00:19:29.920 --> 00:19:37.759
But I was in a really toxic workplace, really toxic to the point where um I didn't like going to work.
00:19:37.839 --> 00:19:40.480
I felt like um there were a couple people.
00:19:40.640 --> 00:19:50.000
Well, let's put it this way: when I started work there nine years earlier, the day I walked in and was setting up my office, one person came in and said, So great to have you here, Teresa.
00:19:50.160 --> 00:19:52.880
Um, it's great to have you here, but don't trust those people.
00:19:53.119 --> 00:19:57.680
And then an hour later, those people came in and said, Great to have you here, but don't trust those people.
00:19:57.839 --> 00:19:59.920
That's the kind of place it was, right?
00:20:00.400 --> 00:20:06.400
And so as I was leaving in 2009, I actually was having a hard time.
00:20:06.559 --> 00:20:12.720
My marriage was I had three kids, it was a lot, and I asked to go um part-time.
00:20:12.880 --> 00:20:18.960
And I even brought a proposal to say, I think this person could handle these things, this person could handle these things.
00:20:19.119 --> 00:20:22.799
These things aren't really important, they could probably be dropped.
00:20:23.119 --> 00:20:34.079
And seven weeks later, because I asked every week from my superintendent, I was sitting in my superintendent's office crying, um, saying, like, my I can't handle this, I need to go part-time.
00:20:34.319 --> 00:20:37.359
I'll take it to leadership table.
00:20:37.599 --> 00:20:40.880
And she didn't do it, she did not do it.
00:20:41.039 --> 00:20:45.599
Uh, week after week, she just kept saying, No, I haven't taken it yet, no, haven't taken it yet.
00:20:45.920 --> 00:20:51.039
And finally, two months later, I just said, Okay, like I'm I'm done.
00:20:51.279 --> 00:20:53.680
And that forced the resignation.
00:20:54.079 --> 00:21:00.400
Um, to the point, I think that was the tipping point, really realizing that they didn't care.
00:21:00.640 --> 00:21:17.440
They were not concerned about my mental health, and probably they avoided in retrospect, like if I had known then what I know now, they were probably trying to force me out because there were school like budget cut, all those things.
00:21:17.519 --> 00:21:19.920
It was just an easy way to cut a roll.
00:21:20.160 --> 00:21:20.799
Yeah.
00:21:22.000 --> 00:21:32.400
So I think when people don't listen to you when you express um that you're struggling, is a good time to get the hell out of there.
00:21:33.599 --> 00:21:34.079
Yeah.
00:21:34.559 --> 00:21:38.799
Wise words, yeah, wise words, lives experience.
00:21:39.599 --> 00:21:42.640
So that's what I knew at that time.
00:21:43.519 --> 00:21:45.599
But I mean, I'm still going through it now.
00:21:45.839 --> 00:21:55.920
Is it time to change things up and sell my house and downsize now that I'll be in a different phase of life?
00:21:56.079 --> 00:21:58.240
And lots of people my age are doing that.
00:21:58.559 --> 00:21:59.519
So maybe.
00:22:03.039 --> 00:22:07.680
Wow, there's there's so what's coming up for you when you're thinking about that?
00:22:08.160 --> 00:22:10.240
What's coming up in internally?
00:22:10.480 --> 00:22:10.799
Yeah.
00:22:11.279 --> 00:22:11.599
Yeah.
00:22:11.839 --> 00:22:19.279
Um, I think that again, that's that external expectation that you don't want to sell your house.
00:22:19.359 --> 00:22:24.559
If you don't have a house, that means you're not doing well at this, like all of those things, those external things.
00:22:24.720 --> 00:22:26.079
But they aren't living my life.
00:22:26.240 --> 00:22:31.039
The people who are around me um don't own a business.
00:22:31.359 --> 00:22:39.599
I would rather have less maintenance and be able to travel and go see my kids who are in different places now.
00:22:40.079 --> 00:22:50.559
So it's almost like I feel like this is the right thing to do, but the world expects me to not do it because the smarter thing is to hold on to your home in this economy.
00:22:50.720 --> 00:22:51.440
You know what I mean?
00:22:51.599 --> 00:22:53.519
Like that's what's coming up for me.
00:22:54.160 --> 00:22:54.799
Mm-hmm.
00:22:55.599 --> 00:22:56.160
Mm-hmm.
00:22:58.640 --> 00:23:01.599
So I'll let you know in a couple months what decisions have been made.
00:23:01.759 --> 00:23:02.000
Yeah.
00:23:02.240 --> 00:23:02.480
Yeah.
00:23:02.640 --> 00:23:06.880
Because at the end of the day, I love that you're basically an empty nester.
00:23:07.359 --> 00:23:07.759
I am.
00:23:07.839 --> 00:23:08.160
Yep.
00:23:08.400 --> 00:23:09.279
With a big home.
00:23:09.599 --> 00:23:11.759
Four-bedroom home that I do not need.
00:23:12.079 --> 00:23:17.440
No, no, I mean it's wasted space that another young family could use.
00:23:17.839 --> 00:23:18.160
That's right.
00:23:18.720 --> 00:23:19.200
That's right.
00:23:19.519 --> 00:23:28.559
And um the expectations of having the home because it's equity and an asset is one thing.
00:23:28.799 --> 00:23:29.359
Yep.
00:23:29.599 --> 00:23:33.119
And then the other thing, is there any other expectations?
00:23:34.240 --> 00:23:36.400
Well, the family gatherings, I think.
00:23:36.559 --> 00:23:43.200
Um, where are we gonna have Christmas and well, I have room to have everyone home, but that rarely happens now.
00:23:43.519 --> 00:23:52.559
So because everyone's not because we don't all when we get together, like we're all going to my kids are in their 20s, 18 to 23.
00:23:52.799 --> 00:23:55.519
We're all going to a water park next week, right?
00:23:55.599 --> 00:24:06.559
Like we do things together, but really here only maybe for Christmas, which could be done elsewhere in one of their homes.
00:24:06.880 --> 00:24:08.160
They're going to have homes.
00:24:08.400 --> 00:24:27.920
So um, I think I think all of the things are important around tradition and um having a place to nest, but I also think it's okay to choose something different and be able to go to them more often and easily easily.
00:24:28.720 --> 00:24:30.319
Those are the things that come up.
00:24:30.559 --> 00:24:32.960
Kind of, yeah, that's how I feel.
00:24:33.279 --> 00:24:35.839
Now it's their turn, and really it's your turn.
00:24:36.000 --> 00:24:37.759
It's your turn too.
00:24:38.319 --> 00:24:39.279
That's right.
00:24:39.599 --> 00:24:41.119
Yeah, yeah.
00:24:41.440 --> 00:24:43.279
So those are the things that come up.
00:24:43.359 --> 00:24:44.559
It's like an internal pressure.
00:24:44.720 --> 00:24:46.160
Is this the right thing financially?
00:24:46.319 --> 00:24:47.519
Is this the right thing?
00:24:47.680 --> 00:24:49.920
You know, what makes more sense?
00:24:50.160 --> 00:24:56.799
Also recognizing physically, I don't really want to maintain a yard and all of those things anymore.
00:24:57.119 --> 00:24:58.000
I just don't.
00:24:58.319 --> 00:24:59.519
And don't blame you.
00:25:00.240 --> 00:25:00.480
Yeah.
00:25:00.960 --> 00:25:02.240
I don't blame you one bit.
00:25:02.480 --> 00:25:04.240
I've been doing it 10 years on my own.
00:25:04.319 --> 00:25:06.960
I'm okay to not do it for monster.
00:25:07.519 --> 00:25:13.759
I I I give you lots of procs for even doing 10 years on your own.
00:25:14.240 --> 00:25:14.559
Yeah.
00:25:16.000 --> 00:25:16.319
Yeah.
00:25:16.480 --> 00:25:20.079
So I'm uh those are the external, internal pressures.
00:25:20.160 --> 00:25:22.400
Will people think I'm a failure if I sell the home?
00:25:22.559 --> 00:25:24.720
Will people kind of like when you left your corporate work?
00:25:25.200 --> 00:25:26.559
Do people think that I can't handle it?
00:25:26.640 --> 00:25:28.079
Am I a failure?
00:25:28.559 --> 00:25:33.519
And realizing that isn't doesn't really have much to do with it.
00:25:34.079 --> 00:25:35.359
Yeah, it really doesn't.
00:25:36.160 --> 00:25:36.960
It really doesn't.
00:25:37.119 --> 00:25:44.799
Again, it goes back to those are inherited conditions that other people are putting on your life.
00:25:44.880 --> 00:25:49.359
That God, do you really need to be okay with those?
00:25:49.599 --> 00:25:50.319
That's right.
00:25:50.480 --> 00:25:55.519
And I think I'm sure did you experience that when you transitioned into what you're doing now?
00:25:56.000 --> 00:25:57.039
Well, it's interesting.
00:25:57.200 --> 00:26:03.440
When I transitioned into what I was what I'm doing now, it there really was no other choice.
00:26:03.680 --> 00:26:04.000
Right.
00:26:04.240 --> 00:26:07.200
There wasn't any, like I had no hesitation.
00:26:07.920 --> 00:26:10.000
Not one bit of hesitation.
00:26:10.559 --> 00:26:29.440
Um but I find that like when I transitioned from different roles in my past, I would have some of those expectations of gosh, you're gonna go there and you're gonna work for them, and well, we'll see about that.
00:26:29.680 --> 00:26:30.079
Right.
00:26:30.319 --> 00:26:54.720
But it's so interesting is I find that when we reflect on the expectations that of others on us, and we when we look at their growth and expansion or lack thereof, and look at ours because we've had the courage to evolve and move and expand, they're still where they're at.
00:26:55.279 --> 00:26:56.319
That's right.
00:26:56.799 --> 00:27:18.319
It which is um, I'm not sure if you have experienced this, but one of the challenges that you do face when you're in this place and trying to expand and grow and develop your next leap go down the next path, uh, is a lot of people aren't really wanting you to go there because they don't understand.
00:27:19.279 --> 00:27:28.799
And if something important that I've learned is if you do go with what other people expect, you will never get to where you want to be.
00:27:29.200 --> 00:27:34.559
They have no idea where you're headed or where your dreams are taking you.
00:27:35.519 --> 00:27:36.880
So, yeah.
00:27:37.279 --> 00:27:40.559
Beautiful, and so right, so right.
00:27:41.119 --> 00:27:46.559
Why well, I actually, as I was talking about that, I was just thinking about Dolly Parton.
00:27:46.720 --> 00:27:48.480
Of course, everyone's talking about Dolly Parton.
00:27:48.559 --> 00:27:49.680
Oh, right?
00:27:50.160 --> 00:27:59.519
Yes, yes, but when you think about how she talked about, well, what do you did you have you seen the Barbara Walters clip with doll uh with Dolly Parton?
00:27:59.759 --> 00:28:05.680
Have you seen that interview where where um Barbara Walters is kind of saying, you don't have to dress like that.
00:28:05.759 --> 00:28:18.720
You're a beautiful woman, you don't have to wear those things, you don't have to dress like that, you don't have to, and and I can't remember exactly what Dolly said, but the gist of it was um I can do what I want.
00:28:18.799 --> 00:28:21.039
I'm not really worried about what other people say.
00:28:21.759 --> 00:28:32.640
And she wasn't, and she could she grew to the expansion that she is because she wanted to live the way she wanted to live and wasn't concerned about it.
00:28:32.720 --> 00:28:33.920
So it's a good reminder.
00:28:34.079 --> 00:28:44.319
She's been a good reminder for me this week, looking through all the tributes that that was what allowed her to expand because she didn't care.
00:28:45.039 --> 00:28:46.079
Absolutely.
00:28:46.400 --> 00:28:51.200
Gosh, the whole I I'm gonna be unapologetically me.
00:28:52.400 --> 00:29:02.240
Yes, and she was unapologetically her, which I think some of us feel that if we do that, we're being selfish.
00:29:02.559 --> 00:29:06.559
But she was clearly one of the most selfless people.
00:29:07.119 --> 00:29:16.160
You can still be you and still be incredibly generous and kind, and I'm not sure that we always realize that those two things go together.
00:29:16.720 --> 00:29:17.359
Yeah.
00:29:18.000 --> 00:29:18.640
Wow.
00:29:20.720 --> 00:29:22.960
Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like that.
00:29:23.119 --> 00:29:23.440
Yeah.
00:29:23.839 --> 00:29:24.480
No, no.
00:29:24.559 --> 00:29:27.759
I mean, at the end of the day, it's how you feel, it's your filter.
00:29:27.920 --> 00:29:30.160
I don't think that that there's a right or wrong there.
00:29:30.240 --> 00:29:31.440
That's your experience.
00:29:32.240 --> 00:29:32.559
Right?
00:29:32.720 --> 00:29:39.039
Yeah, and and your experience, your lived experience, has gotten you to that conclusion thus far.
00:29:39.359 --> 00:29:43.519
Now give you another 10 years, you might have a different point of view.
00:29:43.759 --> 00:29:44.960
Yes, that's right.
00:29:45.119 --> 00:29:51.839
Well, I think that's another important thing for people to remember is that we do change even when we think we're adults, we're still changing.
00:29:52.079 --> 00:29:52.960
Every day.
00:29:53.200 --> 00:29:55.039
Every day, every day.
00:29:55.279 --> 00:30:05.759
I mean, I I sit and think about oh, I had I had my my sister came down and visited me, and she's like, so high school.
00:30:05.920 --> 00:30:12.000
Like she's she's like talking about folks that we went to high school with, and I'm like, yeah.
00:30:12.799 --> 00:30:16.720
So and uh and she's like, Well, don't you care?
00:30:17.759 --> 00:30:18.640
No, not really.
00:30:18.799 --> 00:30:20.720
I don't like you do you.
00:30:20.880 --> 00:30:23.680
Like, I have a sign in my office that says you do you.
00:30:23.839 --> 00:30:25.680
Yeah, you do you, boo.
00:30:26.079 --> 00:30:32.079
Like, I don't care that they've gone through three divorces, that's their journey, not mine.
00:30:32.160 --> 00:30:34.079
I'm not here to judge, I'm on my own.
00:30:34.319 --> 00:30:38.000
Yeah, let me stick to my own stuff.
00:30:38.240 --> 00:30:45.680
Yeah, I think that's um um that's a trait I admire in people, and something that I try to live as well.
00:30:45.759 --> 00:30:51.920
And one of the best compliments I've had uh from my kids is that, yeah, mom, you don't ever really care what people do.
00:30:52.079 --> 00:30:56.960
Like you're interested, but you don't care, like you don't feel like you're less than or more than.
00:30:57.039 --> 00:31:01.039
I was like, no, and they were like, Yeah, that's and one of them said, like, yeah, I like that about you.
00:31:01.119 --> 00:31:03.759
And I thought that's freaking great, man, because I don't care.
00:31:03.920 --> 00:31:05.359
Do your stuff.
00:31:05.920 --> 00:31:08.240
You do you, yeah.
00:31:09.440 --> 00:31:10.400
I love that.
00:31:10.559 --> 00:31:11.279
I love that.
00:31:11.519 --> 00:31:19.119
So as you sit here today on August 28th, and it's about 11 o'clock, Eastern Standard.
00:31:19.359 --> 00:31:29.359
What is one expectation that others have of you that you are currently working to move aside?
00:31:29.680 --> 00:31:32.559
We talked about the house selling the house.
00:31:32.720 --> 00:31:34.240
Is there another one?
00:31:35.119 --> 00:31:55.680
I think that I have gotten exceptionally uh exceptionally good, especially in the hockey world, uh stereotype, but really I'm in the hockey world in Canada and have dealt in advocacy ways in a very male white space and in other places with very and gone going through what I've gone through.
00:31:55.759 --> 00:32:19.680
I think it's really easy to put up a barrier shell, which allows me to deal often very succinctly, without emotion, with difficult conversations that are actually hurtful, which I value, but has also meant that I've pulled back on expressing my opinion sometimes.
00:32:20.480 --> 00:32:35.440
And I think that I need to get back to leaning into that and instead of engaging with people because I think it's important to listen to other viewpoints, just being distancing them.
00:32:35.519 --> 00:32:37.279
I don't need that anymore.
00:32:38.000 --> 00:32:44.960
So it's softening a little bit, perhaps, but also putting up a different kind of barrier.
00:32:45.119 --> 00:32:46.799
That's where I'm at right now.
00:32:47.440 --> 00:32:52.799
Losing the shell, putting up a different barrier to keep out the really toxic people.
00:32:52.880 --> 00:32:55.279
I do not need to engage that anymore.
00:32:55.599 --> 00:33:09.039
Yeah, I would say what how about this barrier, the barrier connotation is like I think about the Berlin Wall, I think about the Wall of China, right?
00:33:09.119 --> 00:33:12.400
They're very like I am clad.
00:33:12.799 --> 00:33:13.440
Yes, you're right.
00:33:13.839 --> 00:33:21.200
Like and then, but what I what I'm hearing, yes, the barrier to keep us safe, the protection to keep us safe.
00:33:21.440 --> 00:33:22.000
That's right.
00:33:22.240 --> 00:33:27.119
What's also coming up for me is more boundary, yeah, absolutely.
00:33:27.279 --> 00:33:27.759
Yeah, yeah.
00:33:28.000 --> 00:33:31.200
So maybe yeah, yeah.
00:33:32.319 --> 00:33:41.920
So maybe removing the barrier with softer but firm boundaries in certain areas, yeah.
00:33:42.160 --> 00:33:58.240
Yeah, because I think that it's really easy to become a very uh um, even though I'm kind, I'm not a cruel person, but it becomes really easy to be have a shell up and it doesn't feel good.
00:33:58.559 --> 00:33:58.880
Yeah.
00:33:59.119 --> 00:33:59.440
For me.
00:33:59.599 --> 00:34:00.319
Well, yeah.
00:34:00.960 --> 00:34:02.880
Brene Brown dare to leave.
00:34:03.119 --> 00:34:04.319
Yeah, yes, exactly.
00:34:04.720 --> 00:34:08.159
Armored armored leadership, courageous leadership.
00:34:08.320 --> 00:34:08.880
That's right.
00:34:09.039 --> 00:34:10.559
Courage over comfort.
00:34:10.719 --> 00:34:11.039
Yeah.
00:34:11.280 --> 00:34:13.280
That's what's coming up for me right now.
00:34:13.519 --> 00:34:14.800
Yeah, yeah.
00:34:15.039 --> 00:34:16.159
I think that's it.
00:34:16.320 --> 00:34:29.199
And uh I don't want to give the impression that I have been um that I have not been open, but it's I think there's some room going to a concert tonight, for example, is a good way.
00:34:29.440 --> 00:34:34.400
Yeah, going to do what I'm doing tonight is a good way to uh sort of soften up a little bit, I think.
00:34:34.639 --> 00:34:36.320
That's awesome on a Friday afternoon.
00:34:36.639 --> 00:34:37.360
I love that.
00:34:37.679 --> 00:34:42.239
Well, and I also think about in a male-dominated environment.
00:34:44.400 --> 00:34:46.400
I've been in a couple of those.
00:34:48.159 --> 00:34:58.239
And it is oftentimes as a female, we need to present that we have bigger balls than they do.
00:35:00.239 --> 00:35:02.480
We have to cut right to the chase.
00:35:02.639 --> 00:35:07.840
I've been told I am the main character in the show baller.
00:35:08.079 --> 00:35:10.639
I've never watched that show.
00:35:11.039 --> 00:35:18.239
But that's I guess that's the the I don't I you know, there's a level of do I put up with bullshit?
00:35:18.400 --> 00:35:20.000
No, I'm not gonna put up with bullshit.
00:35:20.079 --> 00:35:21.440
I'm just for that.
00:35:21.679 --> 00:35:21.840
Right.
00:35:22.400 --> 00:35:24.079
But that's how I come across.
00:35:24.239 --> 00:35:34.559
Not that I am guarded, but I am not gonna put up with any yeah, uh, you know, uh archaic way of thinking.
00:35:34.719 --> 00:35:38.639
I am here and that here I'm here for a reason and we're here to do a job.
00:35:38.800 --> 00:35:41.679
So let's roll up our sleeves and get it done, you know.
00:35:41.760 --> 00:35:45.199
But that that gives us the perception of we're a hard ass.
00:35:45.440 --> 00:35:45.840
Yeah.
00:35:46.079 --> 00:35:48.079
You know, yeah, yeah.
00:35:48.320 --> 00:35:49.039
I can see that.
00:35:49.119 --> 00:35:57.519
And you, I mean, from what I know of you, you do have a big personality, which is really one of your strengths, but would intimidate some people.
00:35:57.679 --> 00:35:59.840
I'm sure you've been told you're intimidating.
00:36:00.000 --> 00:36:01.280
Yes, right?
00:36:01.840 --> 00:36:04.800
Um, and I've been told that as well.
00:36:04.960 --> 00:36:08.639
I'm not intimidating like for anyone who knows me, I'm not.
00:36:08.719 --> 00:36:16.960
And but I think the anticipation has, and maybe this is what I'm thinking of is um it it has caused me.
00:36:17.039 --> 00:36:30.320
I'm really great at uh facilitating and being the center of the room when I have to be, but when I'm not doing that, I'm often on the wall just observing, I'm never the center of the of attention.
00:36:31.440 --> 00:36:32.159
Love that.
00:36:32.559 --> 00:36:33.760
Speaking my language.
00:36:34.719 --> 00:36:36.559
Well, thank you for joining us.
00:36:36.719 --> 00:36:38.320
I so appreciate it.
00:36:38.480 --> 00:36:43.360
And hey, I would love to have another conversation with you again in the future.
