WEBVTT
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.700
Today, I want to talk about what is the purpose of marriage.
00:00:03.777 --> 00:00:05.907
But first I'm going to introduce the show.
00:00:06.604 --> 00:00:07.594
Welcome everyone.
00:00:07.623 --> 00:00:12.814
This is solving disconnection and creating connected relationships for couples and parents.
00:00:13.144 --> 00:00:19.173
My name is Jason Polk, and I've worked this exclusively with couples as a therapist and coach for over 10 years.
00:00:19.474 --> 00:00:22.443
On this podcast, I share my experience professionally.
00:00:22.774 --> 00:00:30.178
Personally and those of our amazing guests So we are not necessarily wired for long term monogamy.
00:00:30.314 --> 00:00:37.743
when we first get together with someone, our brains are awash with chemicals that make us feel high and infatuated.
00:00:38.194 --> 00:00:40.624
And we often think, dang, this is awesome.
00:00:40.713 --> 00:00:42.234
It's going to be like this forever.
00:00:42.584 --> 00:00:46.134
But the problem is it doesn't last.
00:00:46.908 --> 00:01:03.418
And one of my mentors, Stan Takins, says that, you know, nature is more interested in procreation and not super interested in monogamy because those love chemicals wear off in about a year or two.
00:01:03.838 --> 00:01:06.448
And that's where our work begins.
00:01:07.539 --> 00:01:20.603
And as you know, if you listen to his podcast, um, You know, I talk about, we revert to old relationship templates, the ones we learned from our upbringing, when the love chemicals wear off.
00:01:20.924 --> 00:01:29.894
Again, the idea too is that there's so much going on in our brain, you know, Stan Tacken says we couldn't keep all that up, right?
00:01:29.894 --> 00:01:30.974
It's just too intense.
00:01:31.334 --> 00:01:38.897
And so, once we really get to know the person, he says we relate to them like they are deep family.
00:01:39.423 --> 00:01:44.203
And again, we use the templates we gained from being in our family.
00:01:44.763 --> 00:01:49.683
And that's how we show up in the relationship, when the love chemicals wear off.
00:01:50.013 --> 00:02:02.022
So, for example, if we spent a lot of time alone and experienced little conflict growing up, this would show up in our marriage as generally withdrawal or conflict avoidance.
00:02:02.923 --> 00:02:08.223
If conflict was expressed openly, And parents were sometimes inconsistent.
00:02:08.612 --> 00:02:13.502
This could manifest in the marriage as someone more interested in pursuing.
00:02:13.763 --> 00:02:16.252
Maybe even angrily pursuing.
00:02:16.867 --> 00:02:19.948
And this is a very common cycle.
00:02:19.987 --> 00:02:29.307
We call it the pursue withdrawal cycle, but often it's important to work with a marriage counselor because we can help you break free from that.
00:02:29.348 --> 00:02:39.397
We can help you see that cycle and then break free from that because it is a very common cycle that is rooted in our upbringing.
00:02:40.258 --> 00:02:43.127
So coming back, what is the purpose of marriage?
00:02:43.687 --> 00:02:51.902
I believe it is essentially to pull resources to increase the likelihood of survival.
00:02:52.603 --> 00:03:00.782
And from an economic perspective, married couples filing jointly enjoy tax advantages in the United States.
00:03:01.212 --> 00:03:05.263
They also benefit from enhanced purchasing power for a home.
00:03:05.782 --> 00:03:10.163
And also there's built in support for raising kids.
00:03:10.193 --> 00:03:11.282
You know, there's two of us.
00:03:12.193 --> 00:03:17.212
In theory, we can also use our family, but sometimes family is not always around.
00:03:17.212 --> 00:03:24.853
Nevertheless, as a marriage counselor, I look at the purpose of marriage as being an emotional refuge.
00:03:25.592 --> 00:03:31.973
Ideally, you have a place to be vulnerable and share what's real for you.
00:03:32.383 --> 00:03:36.818
I call vulnerability as Sharing what's really real.
00:03:37.388 --> 00:03:42.157
And this can lighten the load and make you feel connected as a result.
00:03:42.367 --> 00:03:50.647
It's like, oh my gosh my partner heard me, my partner sees me, and I'm not being judged as a result, but I'm receiving connection and support.
00:03:51.298 --> 00:03:52.487
And that's really cool.
00:03:52.568 --> 00:03:57.217
And side note, that's one of the benefits of therapy, or one of the benefits of going to a group.
00:03:57.487 --> 00:04:01.668
You share what's real, and you get validation and support.
00:04:02.328 --> 00:04:17.137
And, side note too, Brene Brown says the shame can't survive in the light, and that's another reason for sharing vulnerability, to bring it out, oh, okay, you hear me, I don't feel as bad.
00:04:17.137 --> 00:04:29.427
Also, marriage is a place to be you, and be accepted, it's a place to be seen and heard, as I mentioned, and it's a space for giving and receiving love.
00:04:29.913 --> 00:04:31.483
It's also a place to have fun.
00:04:31.833 --> 00:04:35.603
Oh yeah, and physical touch and sex are also nice as well.
00:04:35.603 --> 00:04:44.673
As I mentioned in this blog, Stan Taken, author of several relationship books, says, It's as if you two are in a foxhole together.
00:04:45.093 --> 00:04:48.822
You have each other's backs and are stronger together.
00:04:49.382 --> 00:04:54.733
So in marriage, you combine both your economic and emotional resources.
00:04:55.622 --> 00:04:57.223
And another question comes up.
00:04:57.223 --> 00:04:59.062
So why is marriage so hard at times?
00:04:59.423 --> 00:05:08.392
And as mentioned, when the love chemicals wear off, we can sometimes get trapped in a negative cycle, rooted in our past experiences.
00:05:09.052 --> 00:05:19.702
And also another reason, between work, kids, personal life, exercise, personal development, our relationship often ends up being the last thing to get our attention.
00:05:20.213 --> 00:05:25.833
And as a result, Our marriage can wither a little bit and become challenging.
00:05:26.552 --> 00:05:39.762
And so if we give our relationship more intention and effort and do not put it at the end of our priority list, it often feels better and becomes a source of confidence instead of a burden.
00:05:40.382 --> 00:05:50.418
And I can relate to that 100 percent when Jess, my wife, And I even just give 10, 15 minutes just to talk and connect.
00:05:50.887 --> 00:06:03.677
It makes things so much easier because when we are feeling that connection, our partner's natural annoyances become a less loud, right?
00:06:04.617 --> 00:06:06.048
Um, that's one reason to connect.
00:06:06.257 --> 00:06:07.278
And also it feels better.
00:06:07.538 --> 00:06:14.067
Also, we know what's going on with our partner because when we don't know what's going on with our partner, we make things up.
00:06:14.177 --> 00:06:16.168
And when we make things up, it's usually.
00:06:17.665 --> 00:06:30.574
so in conclusion, when we prioritize our relationship and we nurture emotional safety and we break free from the negative cycles, marriage is a source of joy, resilience.
00:06:30.798 --> 00:06:38.319
And consequently, we gain greater confidence and energy to slay those dragons in our everyday life.
00:06:38.829 --> 00:06:43.809
So ultimately, the purpose of marriage as I see it is fairly straightforward.
00:06:44.418 --> 00:06:55.959
Life is more enjoyable and less expensive when both partners combine their financial and emotional resources to succeed together as a team.
00:06:56.358 --> 00:06:56.908
Thanks for listening.
00:06:58.701 --> 00:07:07.175
If this has resonated with you, or if you gotten anything from the podcast, please give us a five-star rating and share this with someone who could benefit from.
00:07:07.331 --> 00:07:08.290
This information
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.700
Today, I want to talk about what is the purpose of marriage.
00:00:03.777 --> 00:00:05.907
But first I'm going to introduce the show.
00:00:06.604 --> 00:00:07.594
Welcome everyone.
00:00:07.623 --> 00:00:12.814
This is solving disconnection and creating connected relationships for couples and parents.
00:00:13.144 --> 00:00:19.173
My name is Jason Polk, and I've worked this exclusively with couples as a therapist and coach for over 10 years.
00:00:19.474 --> 00:00:22.443
On this podcast, I share my experience professionally.
00:00:22.774 --> 00:00:30.178
Personally and those of our amazing guests So we are not necessarily wired for long term monogamy.
00:00:30.314 --> 00:00:37.743
when we first get together with someone, our brains are awash with chemicals that make us feel high and infatuated.
00:00:38.194 --> 00:00:40.624
And we often think, dang, this is awesome.
00:00:40.713 --> 00:00:42.234
It's going to be like this forever.
00:00:42.584 --> 00:00:46.134
But the problem is it doesn't last.
00:00:46.908 --> 00:01:03.418
And one of my mentors, Stan Takins, says that, you know, nature is more interested in procreation and not super interested in monogamy because those love chemicals wear off in about a year or two.
00:01:03.838 --> 00:01:06.448
And that's where our work begins.
00:01:07.539 --> 00:01:20.603
And as you know, if you listen to his podcast, um, You know, I talk about, we revert to old relationship templates, the ones we learned from our upbringing, when the love chemicals wear off.
00:01:20.924 --> 00:01:29.894
Again, the idea too is that there's so much going on in our brain, you know, Stan Tacken says we couldn't keep all that up, right?
00:01:29.894 --> 00:01:30.974
It's just too intense.
00:01:31.334 --> 00:01:38.897
And so, once we really get to know the person, he says we relate to them like they are deep family.
00:01:39.423 --> 00:01:44.203
And again, we use the templates we gained from being in our family.
00:01:44.763 --> 00:01:49.683
And that's how we show up in the relationship, when the love chemicals wear off.
00:01:50.013 --> 00:02:02.022
So, for example, if we spent a lot of time alone and experienced little conflict growing up, this would show up in our marriage as generally withdrawal or conflict avoidance.
00:02:02.923 --> 00:02:08.223
If conflict was expressed openly, And parents were sometimes inconsistent.
00:02:08.612 --> 00:02:13.502
This could manifest in the marriage as someone more interested in pursuing.
00:02:13.763 --> 00:02:16.252
Maybe even angrily pursuing.
00:02:16.867 --> 00:02:19.948
And this is a very common cycle.
00:02:19.987 --> 00:02:29.307
We call it the pursue withdrawal cycle, but often it's important to work with a marriage counselor because we can help you break free from that.
00:02:29.348 --> 00:02:39.397
We can help you see that cycle and then break free from that because it is a very common cycle that is rooted in our upbringing.
00:02:40.258 --> 00:02:43.127
So coming back, what is the purpose of marriage?
00:02:43.687 --> 00:02:51.902
I believe it is essentially to pull resources to increase the likelihood of survival.
00:02:52.603 --> 00:03:00.782
And from an economic perspective, married couples filing jointly enjoy tax advantages in the United States.
00:03:01.212 --> 00:03:05.263
They also benefit from enhanced purchasing power for a home.
00:03:05.782 --> 00:03:10.163
And also there's built in support for raising kids.
00:03:10.193 --> 00:03:11.282
You know, there's two of us.
00:03:12.193 --> 00:03:17.212
In theory, we can also use our family, but sometimes family is not always around.
00:03:17.212 --> 00:03:24.853
Nevertheless, as a marriage counselor, I look at the purpose of marriage as being an emotional refuge.
00:03:25.592 --> 00:03:31.973
Ideally, you have a place to be vulnerable and share what's real for you.
00:03:32.383 --> 00:03:36.818
I call vulnerability as Sharing what's really real.
00:03:37.388 --> 00:03:42.157
And this can lighten the load and make you feel connected as a result.
00:03:42.367 --> 00:03:50.647
It's like, oh my gosh my partner heard me, my partner sees me, and I'm not being judged as a result, but I'm receiving connection and support.
00:03:51.298 --> 00:03:52.487
And that's really cool.
00:03:52.568 --> 00:03:57.217
And side note, that's one of the benefits of therapy, or one of the benefits of going to a group.
00:03:57.487 --> 00:04:01.668
You share what's real, and you get validation and support.
00:04:02.328 --> 00:04:17.137
And, side note too, Brene Brown says the shame can't survive in the light, and that's another reason for sharing vulnerability, to bring it out, oh, okay, you hear me, I don't feel as bad.
00:04:17.137 --> 00:04:29.427
Also, marriage is a place to be you, and be accepted, it's a place to be seen and heard, as I mentioned, and it's a space for giving and receiving love.
00:04:29.913 --> 00:04:31.483
It's also a place to have fun.
00:04:31.833 --> 00:04:35.603
Oh yeah, and physical touch and sex are also nice as well.
00:04:35.603 --> 00:04:44.673
As I mentioned in this blog, Stan Taken, author of several relationship books, says, It's as if you two are in a foxhole together.
00:04:45.093 --> 00:04:48.822
You have each other's backs and are stronger together.
00:04:49.382 --> 00:04:54.733
So in marriage, you combine both your economic and emotional resources.
00:04:55.622 --> 00:04:57.223
And another question comes up.
00:04:57.223 --> 00:04:59.062
So why is marriage so hard at times?
00:04:59.423 --> 00:05:08.392
And as mentioned, when the love chemicals wear off, we can sometimes get trapped in a negative cycle, rooted in our past experiences.
00:05:09.052 --> 00:05:19.702
And also another reason, between work, kids, personal life, exercise, personal development, our relationship often ends up being the last thing to get our attention.
00:05:20.213 --> 00:05:25.833
And as a result, Our marriage can wither a little bit and become challenging.
00:05:26.552 --> 00:05:39.762
And so if we give our relationship more intention and effort and do not put it at the end of our priority list, it often feels better and becomes a source of confidence instead of a burden.
00:05:40.382 --> 00:05:50.418
And I can relate to that 100 percent when Jess, my wife, And I even just give 10, 15 minutes just to talk and connect.
00:05:50.887 --> 00:06:03.677
It makes things so much easier because when we are feeling that connection, our partner's natural annoyances become a less loud, right?
00:06:04.617 --> 00:06:06.048
Um, that's one reason to connect.
00:06:06.257 --> 00:06:07.278
And also it feels better.
00:06:07.538 --> 00:06:14.067
Also, we know what's going on with our partner because when we don't know what's going on with our partner, we make things up.
00:06:14.177 --> 00:06:16.168
And when we make things up, it's usually.
00:06:17.665 --> 00:06:30.574
so in conclusion, when we prioritize our relationship and we nurture emotional safety and we break free from the negative cycles, marriage is a source of joy, resilience.
00:06:30.798 --> 00:06:38.319
And consequently, we gain greater confidence and energy to slay those dragons in our everyday life.
00:06:38.829 --> 00:06:43.809
So ultimately, the purpose of marriage as I see it is fairly straightforward.
00:06:44.418 --> 00:06:55.959
Life is more enjoyable and less expensive when both partners combine their financial and emotional resources to succeed together as a team.
00:06:56.358 --> 00:06:56.908
Thanks for listening.
00:06:58.701 --> 00:07:07.175
If this has resonated with you, or if you gotten anything from the podcast, please give us a five-star rating and share this with someone who could benefit from.
00:07:07.331 --> 00:07:08.290
This information
