WEBVTT
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I'm your host, Ash McDonald, the only therapist who speaks fluent entrepreneur.
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Welcome to Shamelessly Ambitious.
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Hello, my friend.
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Welcome back to Shamelessly Ambitious.
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You are officially in Barcelona with me.
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I'm actually in a little village that I cannot pronounce, so I'm not even gonna try, that is about 45 minutes-ish outside of the city.
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I also learned something very interesting yesterday, and this might make me sound really stupid, but my girlfriend who I'm here visiting, she is British, but has lived in Barcelona for a very long time and speaks fluent Spanish and also just obviously European.
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And so we have, oh my gosh, I got here a couple days ago, and we really haven't done much except for talk, which, if you know, you know, is one of the most gloriously cup-filling experiences for a woman.
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We I got here, she picked me up from the airport, we came straight to her little village and dropped my stuff and walked directly to the beach because of course you can see the beach from her house.
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And we sat at a restaurant for lunch.
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It was probably around 12, one o'clock, something like that.
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I think she picked me up at 12.
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So maybe it was closer to like 1, 1:30.
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And we sat there and ate and talked and ate and talked until it was officially now seven o'clock at night.
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And we needed to walk to a different restaurant to get a different drink because it felt weird to be in the same place.
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And so then we went there and we did not go to sleep until two o'clock in the morning.
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And definitely a little bit more culturally Spanish because she laughs that I go to bed at like eight, 8:30 when I'm in America.
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But it was so good for my soul.
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And then we woke up the next morning and I came out and I said good morning.
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It was probably like 7:30, 8 o'clock, and I sat down in my PJs and I didn't ever get up again.
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I mean, I peed probably a thousand times because we were just drinking sparkling water that turned into wine, multiple meals that we cooked in between, and we had so many intentions to leave, but we just couldn't stop.
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It was hilarious.
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I mean, you are talking about two women who are manifesting generators who also have ADHD and paramenopausal symptoms and kids.
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So we didn't have kids and we just yapped and yapped and yapped, and it was so delicious.
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But anyhow, in one of the billions of randoms of conversations, she and I were talking about the fact that this is a village, which I think is so cute.
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And I was like, I live in a city.
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And she was like, Oh, you live in a city?
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And I was like, Well, yeah.
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I mean, I live in this city, I told her I live in the city of Lakewood, Colorado, but it's near the city of Golden, Colorado, which is where I live.
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And we got into this conversation to essentially identify that here it can only be constituted as a city if it has a cathedral in it.
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And I don't know why.
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I just love that so much.
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And ultimately she believes that all of the cities that I can live in in Colorado should all be villages unless they have a cathedral.
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Anyway, I digress.
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That was kind of a ridiculous thing to share.
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But also, I thought it was just so funny and it's so cute.
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And we're in this adorable village that overlooks the sea, and it's everything.
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And I'm here for just a couple more days, and then I will hop on a plane and go to Rome, where I will meet my American best friend who happened to also be on a trip out here with her mom in she's in York right now.
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So we've still been able to text around the same time zone and it's amazing.
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And we're gonna meet up after our lots and lots of fun for a few days in Rome.
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And it's just so delicious.
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And it's not that I don't know this because I so deeply know this, just how nourishing it is to travel and experience new things, but to be around friends and not just we're gonna have coffee or we're gonna go out to lunch, but like slumber parties and sleepovers and PJ mornings.
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And it's just the two of us cooking and cleaning and taking care of one another.
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And it's like childhood kind of, you know, when you would have those best friends that you just could not get enough of and you wanted to spend so much time with them, and it was just so nourishing.
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And I get so much from my children, and I get so much from my husband, but I really need more of this, you know, and I do quite a bit of it.
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I think I'm pretty good at it, and I'm very, very blessed with some extraordinary women in my life, but I just cannot tell you enough how wildly valuable it is.
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Because, of course, per the usual, not only did we have extraordinary conversations, one of which I really want to get into with you on this episode, but billions of business ideas and content ideas.
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And no, that's not the whole point.
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But when you sit across from someone who understands the art of entrepreneurship, it's wildly valuable, wildly freaking valuable.
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And they can pour in and reflect back and so many things where I would say stuff and she would say, or vice versa, she would say stuff, I would say stuff where we would go, oh my God, you need to talk about that more.
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You're so gifted at that, you're so talented at knowing that.
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And it's just so good to be seen.
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It's so good to be seen in that way.
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And we kind of forget that that content and our the way that we can serve and transform someone's life, like our natural giftings, often come out all the time.
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But it's not traditionally being reflected back to us.
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Our clients aren't always gonna reflect it back to us.
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Our partners likely are not always gonna reflect it back to us.
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Our children likely are not always gonna reflect it back to us, if ever, right?
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And so I wanted to share that.
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But I also wanted to share that there's a really big theme throughout our conversation.
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And one of those themes, I mean, we talk about everything.
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We, by the way, so many tangents.
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Here's my ADHD.
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So many tangents, but we have only known each other virtually until I came here.
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I think that's an important part of the puzzle.
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We met and had a call and instantly connected, like a virtual coffee chat.
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And I just loved her and she loved me, and it was so amazing.
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And then we decided to not do nothing about that, and we decided to swap offers.
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So she has an offer that's essentially called, I think it's called a Spark session.
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And I have an offer called a studio session.
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If you've never heard me talk about this, the studio session is a 90-minute call where you're feeling like I need mentorship and I need someone to link arms with and to see me, to see me.
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Hello, right?
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To see me and help me solve a problem or just gain some clarity or whatever.
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And then mine also includes two weeks of unlimited Foxer support and reviews and audits and feedback after that.
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So it's for somebody who's like, I just kind of want to go all in for a short period of time and have some support, right?
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So we decided, why don't we swap?
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And for a multitude of reasons.
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One, because we were obsessed with each other and could just see how gifted and talented one another was.
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Two, because there's nothing more valuable.
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So just a hint hint, there's nothing more valuable than swapping an offer with a dear friend so you can truly get the behind the scenes of how they work, so you can really be a referral partner for them, like with experience, not just, oh, this is one of my best friends and I just love her.
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But like I've worked with her, she solved these problems for me.
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And it was extraordinary.
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I mean, we really blew each other's mind, right?
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It was so, so good.
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And somewhere along the way, in lots of boxer conversations and connections, I made a comment of, I want to come to you.
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I want to come to you, I want to see you.
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And she was like, oh my God, of course.
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And I decided to take that seriously and not just say it.
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And so I booked a trip.
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And that's how I ended up here.
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And so we got to meet each other for the first time.
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And mind you, I think our first connection was in, I would say February or even maybe March of this year.
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So I'm not talking a very long time.
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So if you know, you know, my friends.
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If you meet someone and you can't get enough, pursue them.
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And I don't care if it's not romantically.
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I don't think that soulmates are only of the opposite sex, if that is who you're attracted to.
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I don't think that they are, I just don't think they're only lovers, I guess is what I'll say.
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So, all that to say, we talked about everything.
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We talked about our kids.
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I know everything about her daughter, and she knows everything about my kids, their personality traits, and my experiences of motherhood, relationships, marriage, divorce, perimenopause, friendships, business fears, vulnerability.
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And what does vulnerability mean?
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And how do we experience?
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I mean, literally everything.
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But there was a through line, and the through line was this idea that I teach often and was kind of supporting her through.
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And that is that compassion and curiosity are everything.
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They are everything when you are wanting to maximize the relationship with your partner.
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They are everything when you want to be able to pull yourself out of dark places or find more momentum in your business or be more creative.
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They are everything when it comes to being the best mom you could be, to having hard conversation.
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I mean, you name it, it's everything.
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And so I feel like multiple times we would get to the point where I'd say, again, you just have to bring a little compassion and a little bit of curiosity.
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And it's funny because this morning, this is our third day together, I brought it up again.
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And that's what made me go, I absolutely need to record a podcast episode on this.
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But I was like, ultimately, like the more I say it, the more I realize that this is essentially being a little manipulative.
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And I don't say that in the negative connotation that I think manipulation sometimes has, but it is.
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I was like, I said something along the lines of I'm like, I'm shamelessly manipulating the people that I love.
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And what I mean by that is, and we were specifically talking about relationships at this point.
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And so what I want to share, I think is just so deeply important.
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Men and women have different needs and expectations, but they're actually way more simple than we think.
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And of course, we have very individualized personal needs and whatnot, but there can be some pretty strong through lines.
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And one, if we look at the masculine and the feminine, femininity, females, women, we want and need to be taken care of.
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I mean, it really, if you were to just dumb it down and you were to really look at yourself, there is a definitive need and desire to be cared for.
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Men, on the flip side, have a definitive need, if you will, to feel needed, to feel needed.
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And you can see how there's a reason why those two often go together, right?
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I care for you, I feel needed, you feel cared for, we feel fulfilled.
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And so we kind of got in this conversation where I was saying, it's actually quite sad because we live in such a hyper-independent female-driven society, which it really was initiated from a decent place, I would imagine.
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But we got to this point where we became so, so hyper-independent.
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So I can do it all, I don't need anybody.
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And actually, this started because this morning she spilled some water and the electricity went out.
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And she because she spilled it on a cord and we were frantically running around and she, you know, we're looking at Claude and we're trying to figure it out.
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And then she decided to ask her somewhat new, not totally new boyfriend.
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And he was able to help us, and you could just tell like how impactful that was for him.
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And so that's what we got in this conversation.
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And I said, you know, I've had to learn a lot.
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I've been with my husband, y'all, for almost 17 years, not married that whole time.
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But what?
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That's psychotic.
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I'm not even old enough.
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I totally am, but you know what I mean.
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Love of my life.
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And for so many years, we could not find synchronicity together because I was hyper-independent, massively controlling, so deeply ambitious, but in kind of a uh toxic masculinity way.
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And I we have talked about this.
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This is we have beaten a dead horse with this conversation, but you know what I mean.
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And ultimately, over time, my husband felt really unneeded, really unneeded.
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And so over the past several years now, we have kind of unraveled that.
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And I was telling her that in some ways it's kind of manipulative, but I can sense when my husband needs to feel needed.
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And I'm cognizant and intentional about leading him to open the pickle jar, to reach something up high, to make a decision.
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And sometimes I might not, and this is the manipulative part, I might not necessarily truly need that, but what I do need is for my husband to feel fulfilled.
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And I think that what's happened over time is that a lot of men have experienced what I would call a rise in purposelessness, which is damaging for them as well.
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And honestly, I have quite a bit of empathy for men and what has happened in society, which sometimes can be polarizing because everybody wants to be a feminist.
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I don't necessarily.
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I think that it's been really rough.
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And as a woman raising boys, it's wildly important to me that I understand all sides.
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And so I realized through these conversations that one, there's nothing that will give you more connection and intimacy in your relationship than allowing yourself to be cared for, which often requires you vocalizing and intimately communicating, whether verbally or physically, and a need that you have for this person and allowing this person to feel needed.
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And it's completely changed the trajectory of our relationship.
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And I know this isn't the first time we've had conversations around this, but circling back to this idea of compassion and curiosity as well, I think in almost every relationship or experience that we have, if we can apply these two thought processes to them, we can achieve anything.
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And when I say that, I again, this is the manipulative piece of it, for instance.
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If you have somebody that you have to have a tough conversation with, one of the most important things you need to do is disarm them.
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You need to disarm them.
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And what I mean by that is if you come to somebody and you're like, I have something I need to talk to you about, I'm really upset.
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What happens to that human on the other side?
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They armor up.
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The same is true for us, by the by.
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If you've heard me talk about my three-part somatic wealth framework, you know this very well.
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But the second thing, after you have regulated, after you've re-regulated, you're reflecting.
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And this piece of it is compassion.
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The third thing that you do is you're rewiring, and that's curiosity.
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So even with yourself, if you approach yourself with it shouldn't be so hard, why are you so scattered?
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I wish you, why can't we just be more productive?
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Or I just need to make a decision.
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We are coming with this sort of behavior and emotion that our body instantly armors up against.
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And when we armor up like that, we cannot change the way that our brain is processing it, nor the way that we are behaving, our behaviors in our life.
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So this is applicable to literally everything in your life, the idea of compassion and curiosity.
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So if I approach my husband, I'm like, oh, why did you do this thing?
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Armor up.
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Instead, if I go, hey, I notice that you seem a little upset.
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And I'm curious either why you feel upset or why you did this thing.
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We're specifically talking about someone who has an ex-husband who is now dating someone that she feels a little anxious about, but doesn't know how to approach it because when you go through a divorce, you cannot, you just cannot really control the other person anymore.
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And she doesn't want to have fights and animosity.
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And that's when I suggested it again.
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What if instead she approaches it like, I'm so happy to see that you've found someone and that you seem happy?
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And I'm just really curious what your thoughts are on this behavior that I've noticed or this concern that's been presented.
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You're coming from a place of compassion and curiosity.
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You're not coming from a place of finger pointing, if you will.
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I apply this to myself, I apply this to my kids.
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I know that if my son has gotten in trouble, the last thing that I want to do is I want to approach him with, why did you do this?
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But if I go, hey, buddy, you ultimately are one of the coolest kids I've ever known.
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And I love everything about you, even the things that don't work out so well.
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And I'm just really curious why you're having a hard time in your classroom.
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My son is much, much, much more apt to have a genuine conversation, an authentic and safe conversation with me where we can actually create change together when he is disarmed in that way.
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And so, anyways, as we've talked about this again and again and again and about everything that we do, I thought, ugh, you need to hear this too.
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For whatever it's worth, for whatever you take, whether it's recognizing that you two are hyper-independent or need to apply a little compassion and curiosity to yourself or someone that you love, that that maybe there's a lover in your life that needs to feel a little bit more needed, or ultimately how to manipulate people so you can get out of them what you want while also honoring them in the deepest, most compassionate way possible.
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Because the thing is, yes, it is manipulation.
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And yes, I do get a lot of the things that I want in my life, both from myself and those around me.
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Um, but I think that they do too.
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I know that I do too.
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I know that I am, you know, we talked a lot about motherhood, and one of the things that came up because she beautifully and reflectively just had so many kind things to say about how I'm mother.
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And I definitely am not perfect, but I said, I think my favorite thing about how I'm mom is that I'm deeply, deeply gracious with myself and utterly forgiving.
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And I do not have high, unrealistic expectations, and I'm willing to pivot all day, every day.
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And it allows me to be the best version of myself as a mom.
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And that's all I got.
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So, my friend, I wish you friendship and I wish you connection, and I wish you light and love and compassion and curiosity and the opportunities to bring these things to your life, all of them, so it can be rich and alive in every single way.
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So I'm going to go explore Barcelona, and my deep, deep hope, we shall see, but this might create some accountability, is that the very next podcast episode I'm gonna record will be from Rome.
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See, whatever the house comes up, whatever the hell else, I just combine those words, comes up in all the beautiful conversations I'm having.
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I hope you have a wonderful day, and I'll see you on the next episode.
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I'm your host, Ash McDonald, the only therapist who speaks fluent entrepreneur.
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Welcome to Shamelessly Ambitious.
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Hello, my friend.
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Welcome back to Shamelessly Ambitious.
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You are officially in Barcelona with me.
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I'm actually in a little village that I cannot pronounce, so I'm not even gonna try, that is about 45 minutes-ish outside of the city.
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I also learned something very interesting yesterday, and this might make me sound really stupid, but my girlfriend who I'm here visiting, she is British, but has lived in Barcelona for a very long time and speaks fluent Spanish and also just obviously European.
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And so we have, oh my gosh, I got here a couple days ago, and we really haven't done much except for talk, which, if you know, you know, is one of the most gloriously cup-filling experiences for a woman.
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We I got here, she picked me up from the airport, we came straight to her little village and dropped my stuff and walked directly to the beach because of course you can see the beach from her house.
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And we sat at a restaurant for lunch.
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It was probably around 12, one o'clock, something like that.
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I think she picked me up at 12.
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So maybe it was closer to like 1, 1:30.
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And we sat there and ate and talked and ate and talked until it was officially now seven o'clock at night.
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And we needed to walk to a different restaurant to get a different drink because it felt weird to be in the same place.
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And so then we went there and we did not go to sleep until two o'clock in the morning.
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And definitely a little bit more culturally Spanish because she laughs that I go to bed at like eight, 8:30 when I'm in America.
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But it was so good for my soul.
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And then we woke up the next morning and I came out and I said good morning.
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It was probably like 7:30, 8 o'clock, and I sat down in my PJs and I didn't ever get up again.
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I mean, I peed probably a thousand times because we were just drinking sparkling water that turned into wine, multiple meals that we cooked in between, and we had so many intentions to leave, but we just couldn't stop.
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It was hilarious.
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I mean, you are talking about two women who are manifesting generators who also have ADHD and paramenopausal symptoms and kids.
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So we didn't have kids and we just yapped and yapped and yapped, and it was so delicious.
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But anyhow, in one of the billions of randoms of conversations, she and I were talking about the fact that this is a village, which I think is so cute.
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And I was like, I live in a city.
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And she was like, Oh, you live in a city?
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And I was like, Well, yeah.
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I mean, I live in this city, I told her I live in the city of Lakewood, Colorado, but it's near the city of Golden, Colorado, which is where I live.
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And we got into this conversation to essentially identify that here it can only be constituted as a city if it has a cathedral in it.
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And I don't know why.
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I just love that so much.
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And ultimately she believes that all of the cities that I can live in in Colorado should all be villages unless they have a cathedral.
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Anyway, I digress.
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That was kind of a ridiculous thing to share.
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But also, I thought it was just so funny and it's so cute.
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And we're in this adorable village that overlooks the sea, and it's everything.
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And I'm here for just a couple more days, and then I will hop on a plane and go to Rome, where I will meet my American best friend who happened to also be on a trip out here with her mom in she's in York right now.
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So we've still been able to text around the same time zone and it's amazing.
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And we're gonna meet up after our lots and lots of fun for a few days in Rome.
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And it's just so delicious.
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And it's not that I don't know this because I so deeply know this, just how nourishing it is to travel and experience new things, but to be around friends and not just we're gonna have coffee or we're gonna go out to lunch, but like slumber parties and sleepovers and PJ mornings.
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And it's just the two of us cooking and cleaning and taking care of one another.
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And it's like childhood kind of, you know, when you would have those best friends that you just could not get enough of and you wanted to spend so much time with them, and it was just so nourishing.
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And I get so much from my children, and I get so much from my husband, but I really need more of this, you know, and I do quite a bit of it.
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I think I'm pretty good at it, and I'm very, very blessed with some extraordinary women in my life, but I just cannot tell you enough how wildly valuable it is.
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Because, of course, per the usual, not only did we have extraordinary conversations, one of which I really want to get into with you on this episode, but billions of business ideas and content ideas.
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And no, that's not the whole point.
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But when you sit across from someone who understands the art of entrepreneurship, it's wildly valuable, wildly freaking valuable.
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And they can pour in and reflect back and so many things where I would say stuff and she would say, or vice versa, she would say stuff, I would say stuff where we would go, oh my God, you need to talk about that more.
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You're so gifted at that, you're so talented at knowing that.
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And it's just so good to be seen.
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It's so good to be seen in that way.
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And we kind of forget that that content and our the way that we can serve and transform someone's life, like our natural giftings, often come out all the time.
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But it's not traditionally being reflected back to us.
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Our clients aren't always gonna reflect it back to us.
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Our partners likely are not always gonna reflect it back to us.
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Our children likely are not always gonna reflect it back to us, if ever, right?
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And so I wanted to share that.
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But I also wanted to share that there's a really big theme throughout our conversation.
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And one of those themes, I mean, we talk about everything.
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We, by the way, so many tangents.
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Here's my ADHD.
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So many tangents, but we have only known each other virtually until I came here.
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I think that's an important part of the puzzle.
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We met and had a call and instantly connected, like a virtual coffee chat.
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And I just loved her and she loved me, and it was so amazing.
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And then we decided to not do nothing about that, and we decided to swap offers.
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So she has an offer that's essentially called, I think it's called a Spark session.
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And I have an offer called a studio session.
00:06:02.639 --> 00:06:11.600
If you've never heard me talk about this, the studio session is a 90-minute call where you're feeling like I need mentorship and I need someone to link arms with and to see me, to see me.
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Hello, right?
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To see me and help me solve a problem or just gain some clarity or whatever.
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And then mine also includes two weeks of unlimited Foxer support and reviews and audits and feedback after that.
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So it's for somebody who's like, I just kind of want to go all in for a short period of time and have some support, right?
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So we decided, why don't we swap?
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And for a multitude of reasons.
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One, because we were obsessed with each other and could just see how gifted and talented one another was.
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Two, because there's nothing more valuable.
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So just a hint hint, there's nothing more valuable than swapping an offer with a dear friend so you can truly get the behind the scenes of how they work, so you can really be a referral partner for them, like with experience, not just, oh, this is one of my best friends and I just love her.
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But like I've worked with her, she solved these problems for me.
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And it was extraordinary.
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I mean, we really blew each other's mind, right?
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It was so, so good.
00:07:03.920 --> 00:07:11.360
And somewhere along the way, in lots of boxer conversations and connections, I made a comment of, I want to come to you.
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I want to come to you, I want to see you.
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And she was like, oh my God, of course.
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And I decided to take that seriously and not just say it.
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And so I booked a trip.
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And that's how I ended up here.
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And so we got to meet each other for the first time.
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And mind you, I think our first connection was in, I would say February or even maybe March of this year.
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So I'm not talking a very long time.
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So if you know, you know, my friends.
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If you meet someone and you can't get enough, pursue them.
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And I don't care if it's not romantically.
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I don't think that soulmates are only of the opposite sex, if that is who you're attracted to.
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I don't think that they are, I just don't think they're only lovers, I guess is what I'll say.
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So, all that to say, we talked about everything.
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We talked about our kids.
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I know everything about her daughter, and she knows everything about my kids, their personality traits, and my experiences of motherhood, relationships, marriage, divorce, perimenopause, friendships, business fears, vulnerability.
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And what does vulnerability mean?
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And how do we experience?
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I mean, literally everything.
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But there was a through line, and the through line was this idea that I teach often and was kind of supporting her through.
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And that is that compassion and curiosity are everything.
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They are everything when you are wanting to maximize the relationship with your partner.
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They are everything when you want to be able to pull yourself out of dark places or find more momentum in your business or be more creative.
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They are everything when it comes to being the best mom you could be, to having hard conversation.
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I mean, you name it, it's everything.
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And so I feel like multiple times we would get to the point where I'd say, again, you just have to bring a little compassion and a little bit of curiosity.
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And it's funny because this morning, this is our third day together, I brought it up again.
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And that's what made me go, I absolutely need to record a podcast episode on this.
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But I was like, ultimately, like the more I say it, the more I realize that this is essentially being a little manipulative.
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And I don't say that in the negative connotation that I think manipulation sometimes has, but it is.
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I was like, I said something along the lines of I'm like, I'm shamelessly manipulating the people that I love.
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And what I mean by that is, and we were specifically talking about relationships at this point.
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And so what I want to share, I think is just so deeply important.
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Men and women have different needs and expectations, but they're actually way more simple than we think.
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And of course, we have very individualized personal needs and whatnot, but there can be some pretty strong through lines.
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And one, if we look at the masculine and the feminine, femininity, females, women, we want and need to be taken care of.
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I mean, it really, if you were to just dumb it down and you were to really look at yourself, there is a definitive need and desire to be cared for.
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Men, on the flip side, have a definitive need, if you will, to feel needed, to feel needed.
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And you can see how there's a reason why those two often go together, right?
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I care for you, I feel needed, you feel cared for, we feel fulfilled.
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And so we kind of got in this conversation where I was saying, it's actually quite sad because we live in such a hyper-independent female-driven society, which it really was initiated from a decent place, I would imagine.
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But we got to this point where we became so, so hyper-independent.
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So I can do it all, I don't need anybody.
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And actually, this started because this morning she spilled some water and the electricity went out.
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And she because she spilled it on a cord and we were frantically running around and she, you know, we're looking at Claude and we're trying to figure it out.
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And then she decided to ask her somewhat new, not totally new boyfriend.
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And he was able to help us, and you could just tell like how impactful that was for him.
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And so that's what we got in this conversation.
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And I said, you know, I've had to learn a lot.
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I've been with my husband, y'all, for almost 17 years, not married that whole time.
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But what?
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That's psychotic.
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I'm not even old enough.
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I totally am, but you know what I mean.
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Love of my life.
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And for so many years, we could not find synchronicity together because I was hyper-independent, massively controlling, so deeply ambitious, but in kind of a uh toxic masculinity way.
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And I we have talked about this.
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This is we have beaten a dead horse with this conversation, but you know what I mean.
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And ultimately, over time, my husband felt really unneeded, really unneeded.
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And so over the past several years now, we have kind of unraveled that.
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And I was telling her that in some ways it's kind of manipulative, but I can sense when my husband needs to feel needed.
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And I'm cognizant and intentional about leading him to open the pickle jar, to reach something up high, to make a decision.
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And sometimes I might not, and this is the manipulative part, I might not necessarily truly need that, but what I do need is for my husband to feel fulfilled.
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And I think that what's happened over time is that a lot of men have experienced what I would call a rise in purposelessness, which is damaging for them as well.
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And honestly, I have quite a bit of empathy for men and what has happened in society, which sometimes can be polarizing because everybody wants to be a feminist.
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I don't necessarily.
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I think that it's been really rough.
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And as a woman raising boys, it's wildly important to me that I understand all sides.
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And so I realized through these conversations that one, there's nothing that will give you more connection and intimacy in your relationship than allowing yourself to be cared for, which often requires you vocalizing and intimately communicating, whether verbally or physically, and a need that you have for this person and allowing this person to feel needed.
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And it's completely changed the trajectory of our relationship.
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And I know this isn't the first time we've had conversations around this, but circling back to this idea of compassion and curiosity as well, I think in almost every relationship or experience that we have, if we can apply these two thought processes to them, we can achieve anything.
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And when I say that, I again, this is the manipulative piece of it, for instance.
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If you have somebody that you have to have a tough conversation with, one of the most important things you need to do is disarm them.
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You need to disarm them.
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And what I mean by that is if you come to somebody and you're like, I have something I need to talk to you about, I'm really upset.
00:14:07.360 --> 00:14:09.519
What happens to that human on the other side?
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They armor up.
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The same is true for us, by the by.
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If you've heard me talk about my three-part somatic wealth framework, you know this very well.
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But the second thing, after you have regulated, after you've re-regulated, you're reflecting.
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And this piece of it is compassion.
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The third thing that you do is you're rewiring, and that's curiosity.
00:14:32.080 --> 00:14:37.519
So even with yourself, if you approach yourself with it shouldn't be so hard, why are you so scattered?
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I wish you, why can't we just be more productive?
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Or I just need to make a decision.
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We are coming with this sort of behavior and emotion that our body instantly armors up against.
00:14:47.840 --> 00:14:55.440
And when we armor up like that, we cannot change the way that our brain is processing it, nor the way that we are behaving, our behaviors in our life.
00:14:55.679 --> 00:15:01.600
So this is applicable to literally everything in your life, the idea of compassion and curiosity.
00:15:01.759 --> 00:15:05.679
So if I approach my husband, I'm like, oh, why did you do this thing?
00:15:05.919 --> 00:15:06.720
Armor up.
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Instead, if I go, hey, I notice that you seem a little upset.
00:15:14.159 --> 00:15:18.960
And I'm curious either why you feel upset or why you did this thing.
00:15:19.519 --> 00:15:33.120
We're specifically talking about someone who has an ex-husband who is now dating someone that she feels a little anxious about, but doesn't know how to approach it because when you go through a divorce, you cannot, you just cannot really control the other person anymore.
00:15:33.279 --> 00:15:35.200
And she doesn't want to have fights and animosity.
00:15:35.279 --> 00:15:37.039
And that's when I suggested it again.
00:15:37.200 --> 00:15:42.960
What if instead she approaches it like, I'm so happy to see that you've found someone and that you seem happy?
00:15:43.039 --> 00:15:50.960
And I'm just really curious what your thoughts are on this behavior that I've noticed or this concern that's been presented.
00:15:51.120 --> 00:15:53.440
You're coming from a place of compassion and curiosity.
00:15:53.519 --> 00:15:56.480
You're not coming from a place of finger pointing, if you will.
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I apply this to myself, I apply this to my kids.
00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:06.559
I know that if my son has gotten in trouble, the last thing that I want to do is I want to approach him with, why did you do this?
00:16:06.879 --> 00:16:14.080
But if I go, hey, buddy, you ultimately are one of the coolest kids I've ever known.
00:16:14.240 --> 00:16:17.919
And I love everything about you, even the things that don't work out so well.
00:16:18.080 --> 00:16:21.039
And I'm just really curious why you're having a hard time in your classroom.
00:16:21.679 --> 00:16:32.559
My son is much, much, much more apt to have a genuine conversation, an authentic and safe conversation with me where we can actually create change together when he is disarmed in that way.
00:16:33.519 --> 00:16:41.840
And so, anyways, as we've talked about this again and again and again and about everything that we do, I thought, ugh, you need to hear this too.
00:16:42.159 --> 00:17:04.400
For whatever it's worth, for whatever you take, whether it's recognizing that you two are hyper-independent or need to apply a little compassion and curiosity to yourself or someone that you love, that that maybe there's a lover in your life that needs to feel a little bit more needed, or ultimately how to manipulate people so you can get out of them what you want while also honoring them in the deepest, most compassionate way possible.
00:17:04.559 --> 00:17:06.880
Because the thing is, yes, it is manipulation.
00:17:07.119 --> 00:17:11.440
And yes, I do get a lot of the things that I want in my life, both from myself and those around me.
00:17:11.599 --> 00:17:13.599
Um, but I think that they do too.
00:17:13.680 --> 00:17:14.559
I know that I do too.
00:17:14.720 --> 00:17:24.799
I know that I am, you know, we talked a lot about motherhood, and one of the things that came up because she beautifully and reflectively just had so many kind things to say about how I'm mother.
00:17:24.960 --> 00:17:34.799
And I definitely am not perfect, but I said, I think my favorite thing about how I'm mom is that I'm deeply, deeply gracious with myself and utterly forgiving.
00:17:35.039 --> 00:17:41.279
And I do not have high, unrealistic expectations, and I'm willing to pivot all day, every day.
00:17:41.519 --> 00:17:44.720
And it allows me to be the best version of myself as a mom.
00:17:45.759 --> 00:17:47.279
And that's all I got.
00:17:48.160 --> 00:18:05.920
So, my friend, I wish you friendship and I wish you connection, and I wish you light and love and compassion and curiosity and the opportunities to bring these things to your life, all of them, so it can be rich and alive in every single way.
00:18:06.079 --> 00:18:14.319
So I'm going to go explore Barcelona, and my deep, deep hope, we shall see, but this might create some accountability, is that the very next podcast episode I'm gonna record will be from Rome.
00:18:14.720 --> 00:18:21.279
See, whatever the house comes up, whatever the hell else, I just combine those words, comes up in all the beautiful conversations I'm having.
00:18:21.440 --> 00:18:24.240
I hope you have a wonderful day, and I'll see you on the next episode.
