If Your Kids Turned Out Just Like You, Would You Be Proud?

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Welcome to the Rising Tracks Podcast.
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I'm Nick Urankar with Braxton Cave, and we have a question that we are going to answer together.
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We're going to ponder.
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Ponder.
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And it is around kids and family.
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So I'm going to ask Brax, give him the hot mic, see what he has to say, and then we'll uh we'll go from there.
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But this is the question.
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If your kids grow up and copy exactly how you're living your life today, what would make you proud and what would concern you?
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And before I answer, I I think of um I came across a video a long time ago, and I'm everyone's probably seen it a thousand times, but it basically was like, you know, people will say, you act just like your dad.
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And it's and then the response back is it's my responsibility to make that a good thing.
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Because so often it's used and like a negative, you're acting like your dad, you're acting like your mom, you're acting like, you know, and and it's kind of used against you, but how can you like make it a fist pumping moment?
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Right.
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Right.
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So I mean, to me, you know, there there would be a lot that would make me proud.
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Um, I'd be proud if they, you know, took care of their bodies, if they trained when they didn't feel like it, if they were hard workers, they kept their word, uh, they were consistently learning, trying to become better, doing new things.
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Um, I'd be proud if they woke up every day and spent time with God and doing some type of devotional and their walk of faith.
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I'd be proud if they loved their spouse and kids deeply and made family a priority.
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Um, I'd be proud if they weren't afraid of heavy responsibility and believe that they could accomplish and do hard things.
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Um, but there's definitely things that would concern me as well.
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And, you know, like I wouldn't want them to put their value in the things that their value comes from the things that they accomplish.
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Um I wouldn't want them to have the difficulty of like shutting their brain off because they're constantly thinking about the next goal, the next milestone, the next email, the next opportunity, you know, the next, the next, the next.
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Um, so this is me basically putting all my sins out on the table here.
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Um I definitely wouldn't want them at dinner, sitting at the dinner table with their kids or their spouse one day and physically being there, but mentally being somewhere else.
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Um again, kind of back to the not being able to shut their mind off.
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Um so ultimately those are the things I continue to work on that I would, you know, wouldn't want the I wouldn't want that to transfer over to them.
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Um I'm I'm really good at being physically present and choosing to prioritize being with my family versus doing maybe doing other things.
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Um but I'm not always as good or equally as good at being mentally present.
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Um if my kids copied me exactly, I think they'd become very driven people.
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Um I think my responsibility to them now is to ensure they know when to stop, which is very hard.
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Um, you know, it's so often talked about of like you look at like mega successful people, billionaires, you know, the the question that people always ask is like, when's enough enough?
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And I think that that question is so relative to the situation in the person that it that's a hard question to answer.
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Like you you look at these people and you're like, oh my gosh, they're so successful, they're so wealthy, they're so this, they're so that.
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Well, there's there's reasons why they're that way.
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And oftentimes there's there's just as many, if not more, negatives that come with that than positives.
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Um I would say I would want them to understand that ambition is a great servant and a terrible master.
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Um and I think the the way I'd round it out is ultimately I would hope that what they copy most isn't my career or my training.
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I would hope they copy, you know, how I love their mom, how I love them, um, how I treat people, and how important my relationship with God is.
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And um so I guess you can look, there's there's a lot of pros, there's a lot of cons.
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I have a lot of work to do.
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Um so if we say they're gonna copy exactly where I'm at today, there's a lot of blessings that come with that, and there's a lot of heartache that comes with that.
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Um and I guess that's our job as parents to, you know, set the example for them that if they follow, it mitigates a lot of that heartache.
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What's hard in that to me is I would not be the person I am today without the struggle and the heartache.
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Um life is messy and for all of us in different ways.
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And, you know, there's things that I've had to go through in my life that you know, we talk about this all the time, and this is huge from like a biblical perspective.
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Like you that you don't know why you're going through them in the moment until after you've been through it.
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And so, um, you know, I I think I talked about this before on the podcast.
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Joe Rogan spoke of this of like, he's like, me and all my friends who were successful, like we all had these crazy lives, or like these terrible things we went through in childhood, what made which made us who we are.
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He's like, you know, none of us want our kids to go through bad stuff, but I also like want them to you want your kids to go through some.
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You want them to go through some stuff.
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Yeah.
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So it's like, but you can't control everything either.
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So um that's just part of part of life.
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So that was that's my long and short of my answer.
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Well, when when I I don't know if this is a negative, but when I read the question, the first thing that I go to is the concerns.
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I don't know why.
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Um I and I didn't really think about this before the question.
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I you had just sent it, so I didn't really have a whole lot.
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Um so I was I was taking some notes, but one to try to go on the positive side first.
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Um I think the hardest part as a parent is we don't know what their life is gonna look like, right?
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Like it's easy to say, oh, these are the things I want to take, but if their life looks completely different than mine, that might turn into a negative.
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So I I would say one trait that I hope is that they look at failure as a part of the process, not a spotlight on their flaws.
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Because I think it takes a long time for for people to figure out who they are.
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Um, and you have to do that through trial and error.
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You have to do that through um deciding am I gonna go with the people or am I gonna go a different way, right?
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Like take the path everyone's on, or take a different path.
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And for myself, I always learned the most taking the path that few people took.
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Um, and I got a lot, I mean, people will look at we kind of talked about it, like you the things that you go through um make you who you are, and some of those aren't great.
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And I I think my I hope that my kids will have the same drive of going after what they believe is right over what people tell them is right, and that includes myself.
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So one of the the I say that with a negative of me, you know, so that that their failure becomes a part of the process over the spotlight.
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However, one of the things I I I hope that I still can improve on and but I'm really bad at this, is that I point out their flaws and their shortcomings to push them.
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Now I do this in a way where I I'm trying to push them to learn and grow.
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Um, and do it a way, but I don't do it in a way that doesn't make them feel judged.
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Like I do it in a way that does.
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I I point out their flaws, I tell them what they need to be doing.
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I try, you know, but I'm trying to do it in a way that's like, hey, you're gonna mess up.
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It's okay if we just go here, but I but it it it feels like judgment.
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So I don't want them to do that to other people.
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And I realize that I give a lot of other people who are not them more grace in those areas.
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So I would say that like them seeing me with other people probably makes them like, I wish my dad was like that with me.
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So there are times where I I know what I should do, I know how I should say, and I'm just not, and I hope that they do a better job than me of recognizing like that fine line, which then takes it to the point of I don't want to like I make them feel guilty um over like I did I guess I would say I never learned their love language.
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So I would say to them, like, I would want them to be able to do that.
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I never learned how they needed to be loved, and and maybe I just like we talked about God is putting in my face that I've just done a poor job of taking time to do those things.
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Um so I make them feel guilty in situations over Yeah, I I I mean I don't know how not to, I guess is where that is, which sucks.
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Um but I hope that they have the same passion and energy I have towards things.
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Um I think as a d a d as a dad, and my hope is that they have all of the same energy, passion, love, care, like for everyone around them, but they learn from me how they can do it better.
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Like I think that my kids would tell you, my dad loves me so much, he does, but my dad is this and this and this.
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And I don't they give me a lot of grace, and I think on their end, they would say, My dad does this and this and this, so therefore I've learned what I would say, I hope that my kids have seen how hard I try and how much I've failed, yet that I didn't fail on purpose.
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I failed just like this.
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I it was a part of my process of of learning my flaws, that they can see that and and and take it just like we took hard times and became better in them.
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I want them to take them seeing me try so hard and not doing a great job, but knowing that like he's trying.
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It's not like I'm just being a jerk, I'm doing these, and that they then are gonna show me later on, like, hey dad, remember when you were doing this?
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I learned that from you, but I then took it to the next level and did it how you thought you were doing it.
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And then me to say, you now showed me that like what I was doing was right, but you you like I had to do that for you to learn how to do that.
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I never had anybody show me, so therefore, look.
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So I I think a lot of this more of the passing down.
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Like, I my hope is that all of the things that I've done wrong, all the negatives about me, that later on they're gonna say, Hey dad, I know you weren't happy when you did this and these things, but look what I did because of it.
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That's so I think all of most of my things are all so big of concerns, but I I want them to take because I've given so much that they they show me a new evolution of it.
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Like this, like hey dad, you could have never even done this because you weren't you you were so new and understanding it, but like you I had so much more time to think through it and figure it out, and and that I think I hope that they can come to me and ask questions of things and ask me why I did certain things and why like I think a lot of us have struggles with our parents that we've never talked to them about.
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And I want my kids to be able to talk to me.
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So there are for me, this is such a hard thing because I I look at it and I say, I don't know how much different I could be, even if I knew how to be, because I've I've tried to figure this all out.
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And I just pray that they evolve even more from what I've tried to do.
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Hopefully that is good.
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Yeah, one of the things that I think about is um where I try to be very intentional with our kids is when it comes to like any type of negative identity statement towards them.
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And I think that's where like you had mentioned, like you point out their flaws and you but you try not to do it in a it's it that's our job as parents is to steer our kids when they're when they're off track to steer them in the right direction.
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But I think it's very easy where parents can be like, you always do this, or you are this, or you you you like these identity statements to when the the kids hear that they think, Well, that's that's who I am, and so that's how I'm going to act.
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Um I just had a conversation with this about with um a friend of ours um where they have three boys, and one of them is like their their wild child, so they call him wild man.
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So they're and then so he and he's like, I've caught myself saying this to him, and I'm like, I gotta stop.
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I can't, because that's the identity he's taking on.
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Um it's a hard thing to do.
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You don't even and sometimes you don't even recognize that that's been created until you're so far in and you're like, oh man, like they're taking that as part of who they are, and that was never the the point.
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Right.
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Because the the you are or you that statements that come from parents become I am identity statements to kids.
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And so I think that's where we have to be very careful when it comes to you know putting these labels on our kids.
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Um, you know, and it's not, and I'm not saying it's like the our job also isn't to be like, you're amazing, you're awesome.
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You're you know, because I know I do exactly what you're saying.
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I I do that and I catch myself.
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And then when I hear my daughter saying, Well, I'm just not very smart, or or I'm just you know, right?
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They take those and I'm like, said who?
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Right.
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Like you you are so in the same, I think there's this side of if you are creating these, if you are saying these things, I I I always take it back to I use social media because when I started, I struggled with the identity of what people said about me on social media.
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And after a while, I think as as with kids, we get so acclimated to saying the same things over and over again, right?
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Because it's the same issues we're dealing with, right?
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Bedtime, oh, you just never want to brush your teeth.
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Like, oh, you're just right, it's the same stuff we go over.
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And when I what changed my mindset and what helped me is with being a dad, when I would get into those negative states with the kids, is every time that I would comment or read something negative, I would have to find five positive things.
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So I always fall back on that as a parent.
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Like when I'm really digging in and like realizing, like, oh wow, like I'm I'm pounding her into the ground right now, and I'm not wanting to do that.
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I need to basically dig her back out and build her back up and remind her of all the things.
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And I think sometimes we don't do that enough where we build them back up, not to say like, hey, you know, hey, forget all that.
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It's like, no, like if you want this to be true, it can be.
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You can be that person.
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However, this is what I see and this is who I like.
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So um, on the same right of saying, like, yeah, like I say all that stuff, I'm I also pull that back in.
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And it's just a matter of as a parent, you're wondering what is she latching onto more.
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Yeah.
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That was good.
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Yeah.
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One topic.
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Yeah, one topic.
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A couple different perspectives.
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And I could probably go on way too much and get in that stuff.
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Like I think all of us as parents, there's just it's like we're never doing enough while doing too much, yeah, while not knowing how to just be an observer in the life.
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That's like the hardest thing.
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Like watching a sport and you're like, have you ever watched last thing?
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You if you have kids and you they've played a sport, sports just the easiest one.
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You nitpick the crap out of your kid, but you can't say one negative thing about another kid because you're not watching them.
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And anytime that I go and I try to take my eyes off of mine and watch others, I'm like, I can't even pick out the same negative traits that I'm finding.
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Like, I'm like, wow, we all are just so hyper focused.
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Um, and to sit and like be a participant and actually just be an observer of what's actually occurring rather than trying to fix where we would 30 years in the future know that they don't know.
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Uh I struggle with that.
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Yeah.
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Awesome.
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Give them the speech, Nick.
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Subscribe and like.
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Subscribe, drive, subscribe and like, comment, share it.
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I mean, really, like we we are wanting to give the best that we can, do the best that we can, help, and I don't want to say help people, but be there for people.
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Because I don't, I don't, I think we all we all have the answers, we all know what to do.
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It's the doing it.
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Like Brax likes to say now, what is try?
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Right?
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Like, so I think um I was out, we we do our runs, and I would never run 10 miles on my own and not be hating my entire life.
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But running with other guys, it's so enjoyable.
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Yeah, and doing hard things with good people makes it more enjoyable.
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True that that's what we want to be people that you can do hard things with.
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Yeah.
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Boom.
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Awesome.
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All right.
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Thank you all for listening.
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See you next time.
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Subscribe.
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Bye.