What Every Single Should Know Before Dating

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Welcome to the Rich Relationship Podcast with Gil and Renee, where amazing things happen.
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Our goal is to help build, prepare and restore healthy relationships.
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We're live, hey, everyone.
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Hey.
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We are live and we hope you're ready for tonight's hot night.
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Now I know we always start out at least five or six minutes behind.
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It's always technical difficulty.
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Well, no, actually it wasn't technical difficulties, we had an issue with the link, so the whole back end of YouTube.
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If you put it in the wrong way, I'll mess it up, so forgive me, forgive me, forgive me, I am but a human.
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We charge it to the head and not the heart.
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Yeah, so we hope you guys are ready for tonight.
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You guys have been enjoying this.
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I hope you guys are enjoying it, and tonight is for our singles.
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We've been going for the past three, four, maybe five weeks of working and focusing on couples.
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But what if you're not a couple?
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Hopefully this will still be applicable.
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So if you know someone who's a single, we are focused on y'all, invite a man, invite a man.
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We focused on y'all tonight.
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You know, you ever had that time where you wish you would have had a guide or a benchmark or a baseline or some help some instructions about what should you do when you are starting to date, or should you be dating?
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Uh, if I am dating, should I have something that I'm looking forward to, or what should I be looking at?
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or looking for, yeah, and so that's what we're going to talk about tonight, and so we're going to have our 10 questions, 10 things that basically you need to know, or I wish I knew, or that will help you on your journey towards dating.
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I know some of you guys have probably had the wrong link.
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Again, I apologize for that.
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So we are going to we have the questions already ready and, as usual, put your questions in the chat or, if you're watching this, later on, put your questions in the comments and we will answer them.
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So we're going to both answer it, because it's for both males and females, it's basically for singles.
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So we're going to both answer it because it's for both uh, males and females, it's basically for singles.
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So we're going to answer the questions.
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Are you ready?
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Are you ready?
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Are you ready?
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Okay, I have something I want to say.
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Um, you know it's getting warm, it's starting to get colder, and so I want to say that I want.
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I was asking gil.
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I said what if?
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If you were a piece of, if you were a garment?
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what would you be A garment?
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A garment.
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If you were an article of clothing, would you be a pair of sweatpants or would you be blue jeans?
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In the way that you are in relationships, Is that rhetorical?
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No, I'm asking you, I want you to answer it, you want me to answer first.
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How about you go?
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Okay, I'm going to answer first, because you can tell she wanted to go first.
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I'm going to answer first, if I were a Garmin, I would be a pair of blue jeans, because one of the things I love about blue jeans is that blue jeans don't lie to you If you have gained weight.
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Guess what?
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Your jeans?
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They don't fit you.
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And so I think in relationships I'm the kind of person that if something is not working, I'm going to tell you, and so it's important that we are open to knowing, like I mean your jeans.
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You can blame the dryer, you can blame, but you can blame.
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But really the reason why the jeans don't fit it's because we did something too much of something or not enough of something.
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So that's what I would be if I were a article clothing.
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What would you be, baby?
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I just be.
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And you said, as it pertains to relationships.
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Yes, as it pertains to relationships.
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Of course I'm going to say the jeans would you be?
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jeans, because it will always force you to be get better.
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If you know you've gotten a little bit bigger, you know you need to do something to get a little bit smaller, Right?
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So that's why I'm going to say, which means, if you want to get better at doing something, you're going to have to put some work in.
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We talk about work all the time on this channel when it comes to your relationships, and the work that we are talking about tonight is actually in dating.
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Yes, it's going to be fun, I know.
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Renee said we got 10 questions, but we actually going to give you 15.
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We're going to 15, 5, 5, 5.
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Just remember 5, 5, 5.
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You can do 15?
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That's a lot.
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Well, 15 in different areas, because there's different stages and different things that you should be asking yourself as it becomes to getting married, or getting, or not getting married, but on the road to getting married.
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As far as dating, and the first area that we want to talk about is why, why do you date?
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We're going to give you five reasons about why you date, as we see it, because before we were married, we were dating date as we see it, because before we were married we were dating yes, and before you're dating you're single, and so just know that.
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This channel is designed to help us all at different stages in our life, because we all start off single.
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And the first one is you need it.
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You date.
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Why you date is to get to know someone.
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That's the first one and the reason, the reason.
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The reason, the reason why is because obviously, you have to know the person that you want to spend a lot of time with, for compatibility reasons or if you're even wanting to pursue a relationship.
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So I remember going back to this I asked our back in a few years.
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Back we were in another state and I used to be a police officer.
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We were traveling and I used to ask one of the patrolmen.
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I was like you know what?
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These are younger guys than I was.
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I had already been dating.
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I asked them what's the purpose of dating?
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You know how many answers I heard.
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I heard everything.
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This went on for like eight hours all night.
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Everybody had reasons and everybody had their own philosophy, but I came back with the reason that you date is preparation for marriage.
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Yes, I agree.
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That's just.
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And if you don't agree that dating is preparation for marriage, put it in the comment or the chat.
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And why you don't.
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Yes, you, you know.
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So the first one we were talking about is so you, the reason why you're going to be dating someone is to get to know them right.
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That's so important because, when we were dating, what was something that stood out to you as far as getting to know me, that was, let's say, a challenge for you well, because I am an extrovert and I am talkative and you are an introvert and you are a thinker, and at the time I didn't know that, and so one of the challenges was understanding how to get you to open up, and asking you over and over and over and over again was not a good strategy, and so a part of it is learning how to communicate with the person in a way that makes them open up.
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And so I realized for you, it was not asking you over and over again, it was just asking you what you think.
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And that's the operative word that you use in there is to learn, right, you know.
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So one of the main focal points should be is to learn this person.
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Learn things about them, be curious, be inquisitive about them.
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Be curious, be inquisitive that is the time to be all those things, because, as you are in a relationship and the longer it goes down the road, you're going to find that you're not going to talk as much as you used to talk when you were dating.
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I think that's where the first part, when you have that new feeling and it's something new you just want to know every single thing about this person because you're so focused on just them and you want to know every detail and hopefully that will continue throughout your relationship.
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But we have learned over the time of working with couples that it tends to decline and go back up unless something bad happens.
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When bad things happen, that's, it seems like focus of conversation becomes paramount.
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That's when you have a lot to say.
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But if you started out is to learn someone, then you'll know that's a habit that you need to keep going throughout your relationship.
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That's correct.
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So I'll give you the next one Build on your emotional intimacy.
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Yes, talk about that.
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I know that's your favorite topic.
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Yeah, intimacy.
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The reason why emotional intimacy is important is because intimacy emotionally, emotional intimacy is not sex.
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It's getting to know their temperament, it's getting to know their past, it's getting to know their views on things, and so I think a part of it is getting to know someone emotionally is more important than just getting to know them physically, because you have to be vulnerable, right, you have to be open, you have to trust that person.
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So I think that's an important because it's going to force you to go to a deeper level.
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It's going to force you to not stay so surface, because when you're first dating, that's where you always want to stay.
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Yeah, you only want to show the good part about it.
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We're talking about why dating, why do we date, why date at all?
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So that, where Renee is just talking about, emotional intimacy is going to allow you to go deeper, at a deeper level, because as you go deeper into the relationship, it's going to give you the ability to be more committed.
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It's going to be allow you to be more open with the person that you're with.
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Right, would you say.
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Would that be fair to say?
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Yes, it would be very, very much so.
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And I think that one thing that came out of that time when I was asking all the younger guys these are all single guys too, so they were asking, you know, a lot of them would say is to explore compatibility.
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So that's number three explore incompatibility.
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You know, how do you know if I'm even compatible with this person?
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First off, you got to talk and get to know them.
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But why is compatibility so important?
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Well, because it's just.
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It's just like, if you, as a woman, if you're trying to get together, you're trying to get ready, you want to make sure that things are coordinated and they match and they look good together.
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Well, it's the same thing with being compatible with someone.
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You need to know their values, you need to know their goals, you need to know their dreams, you need to know their deal breakers, and so you need to have an idea of their character.
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And so if those things don't line up, no matter how much you may be interested, if you're not compatible, it won't last.
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You know, I remember when I was dating, in the dating phase, even before Renee, I knew this but I didn't know it.
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I remember going on a date with someone and the person got into the car and I think I was maybe and I'm a very punctual person, I try to be on time for a lot of things.
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Even now, to this day, it's important to me and even then, when we were dating, it was important to be on time and I think it was traffic or something and I was late and I think it was only like two minutes or three minutes late and the minute this person this is the first date Now the person got into the car and they just went in just started talking about what?
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as far as about why I was late, as far as, like you were late, and all I heard was you remember that cartoon?
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And I was like I just met this person and they're already going in and before I could even put the car in drive, you know what I did.
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What'd you say?
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I said you know what, I don't think this is going to work.
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I ended it right then and there, before I even pulled out the driveway, I said you know what?
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You know that compatibility was totally off right from the very beginning, because can we discuss things Absolutely?
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But this person was going in.
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Yeah, I mean like hard, like complaining from the jump, not hey, and not even give me a chance to explain why I was late.
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Just, you were late and I just tuned it out.
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I instantly shut it off and they went in.
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I said let's end the date right now because it's still early.
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You got time to catch up with your friends, I got time to catch up with my friends and we can salvage a good day as far as a good night.
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It was like a Saturday night.
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You know you don't want to waste it.
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So imagine that you go down that road, you go on a date and you are in and I just seen it going downhill like this the whole night.
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So why would you try to salvage it?
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I just said you know what I'm going to cut it loose right now.
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And when I said that, she kind of looked at me like, are you serious?
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Yeah, yeah, I am.
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So that's one thing.
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So that's just something that came because we try to apply things that are actually happening in real life and that was something that happened in real life.
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So that compatibility is very, very much important.
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Because on the other side of that, what about the lifestyle?
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Do you think dating and knowing a person's lifestyle is important?
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Yeah, why?
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because if let's just say, for example, if and if I even not even like our exercise habits, our nutritional habits hi, welcome me.
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I'm so glad you're here.
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Um, if our lifestyles are different, then that's going to make it hard for you.
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It says the two should become one.
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And so if you're over here on the left and I'm on the right, then more than likely we're not even going to meet up, so we definitely can't be together.
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Right, and you think about that even from.
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I think another reason why we date is for some people date and this is nothing wrong with dating.
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For this reason we said it's for preparation for marriage.
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Some people just like dating for socialization.
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Yes, yes, that's just to be socializing, just to be hanging out, just having fun as long as you're dating, to be social, not because you don't like to be alone.
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Oh.
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Because if you have, you got to expand on that if you have a problem with being.
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Dating is not a solution for loneliness, because if you think that I'm going to date someone because I'm lonely, then basically you're putting the responsibility of your feeling fulfilled on another person.
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So dating should not be or getting married.
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You shouldn't be getting married because you're lonely, because a person can't feel that you have to be OK with you and being with you by yourself before you can give yourself to somebody else, wow, so I didn't think about it in that context.
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Because you think about when you first started dating.
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You're not thinking I'm just doing this to be alone, or is that your motivation?
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I think that requires somebody to be really thinking about and having a plan of why am I dating in the first place, which is what we're talking about on this Thursday Night Live.
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You just joined us, welcome, welcome, welcome.
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So we are talking about it, so socializing and having fun, which is not a problem, but I still think you have to have a plan for the purpose of the person that you're with and hanging out Right.
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Exactly.
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You know because, like we talked about already about the lifestyle that, while that is important, you need to know, is this person even fun to be with?
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That's one thing I can say that is so important, and it continues on throughout the relationship, that you just enjoy each other's company.
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But you know what, babe?
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I didn't know that happened to you, I didn't know you put somebody out of your car.
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Oh, that happen to you.
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I didn't know.
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You put somebody out of your car.
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You still stuck on the first one.
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I did not put the person out.
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I asked them to get out because, to salvage their night, I was thinking about them.
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For all of y'all who think Gil is just quiet and I control him honey no.
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This man has a whole mind of his own and he's going to do what he want to do.
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He put the chick out.
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I didn't put her out of the car.
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Stop saying that.
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I didn't put her out, I just logically speaking.
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It just made better sense to me because I was already tuned out.
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This is for those who just jumped in.
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I did not kick this person out the car, I just said I want you to salvage your night.
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I'm going to release you into your destiny.
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Moving on.
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How about that?
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So we're going to move on to the last reason and I mentioned it already and I already mentioned it is to find a life partner.
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This is a life partner.
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So when we started dating, we knew that we wanted to be together, even early in our relationship.
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I can say that even when we were dating at the very beginning, even though we had known each other for a while.
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You're dating because some people are wanting to get married.
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If you're listening, single doesn't mean you're young and just a teen, preteen, pre twenties, thirties ors you could be older and still be single.
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Yeah, and these still are very, very much.
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And you can be married and you still need to date.
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Dating is a part of your life forever, and so that's why I thought it was really cool when the Lord gave this to talk about.
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Dating is that dating is not just for teenagers, it's not just for singles, and guess what?
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You can date yourself.
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OK, go ahead, Explain that one one, because some people are like what are you talking?
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about because we talked about I did like a little short talking about self-care.
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You one of the things, um, we have a lot of people in our life that we love and we are grateful for, but you should be able to do stuff with yourself.
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Have you ever gone to a movie by yourself?
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Have you ever all the things you want someone else to do for you?
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Do you get your own nails done?
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Do you get your own feet done?
00:17:15.130 --> 00:17:16.234
I don't do you.
00:17:16.234 --> 00:17:17.359
Oh, I know you don't like.
00:17:17.441 --> 00:17:26.217
Oh, you're talking to the ladies so date yourself and if you're married, date your mate.
00:17:26.217 --> 00:17:31.931
So if you, if you say, well, I'm sitting on a honey body, date yourself, enjoy yourself.
00:17:31.931 --> 00:17:54.755
Enjoy the, the freedom to go where you want to go and eat the food you want, to go to the restaurant you want to do, enjoy that, because if you can enjoy dating you, I guarantee you that somebody else will enjoy dating you you know, and there's nothing wrong with the last reason we were talking about is finding that person you want to spend the rest of your life with, right Because you may be in the latter stages of life that you're saying you know what.
00:17:54.835 --> 00:18:00.228
I don't want to be out here messing around because we all know that there's some craziness going on, you know.
00:18:00.228 --> 00:18:05.669
But on the same token, there's nothing wrong with making that be known from the jump, from the very.
00:18:05.669 --> 00:18:09.839
Just like me and that girl in the car, I wanted to have a good time from the very beginning.
00:18:09.839 --> 00:18:13.990
But if you're already nagging and going in, you know what?
00:18:13.990 --> 00:18:15.232
Let's just cut the losses.
00:18:16.154 --> 00:18:16.736
You know what?
00:18:16.736 --> 00:18:19.471
Okay, so we're going to segue into the other part of this.
00:18:19.471 --> 00:18:26.413
So this is, this is what dating is and what dating does, and then this is when you shouldn't date.
00:18:26.413 --> 00:18:32.369
You should not date if you still have pain from your past.
00:18:32.369 --> 00:18:33.613
You haven't unpacked.
00:18:35.238 --> 00:18:38.708
And one of the things that Gil said in another another one of our videos.
00:18:38.708 --> 00:18:50.853
He said the reason why he um enjoyed me because he said I was fun and I and I was laughing and and I was like it all makes sense now Because he had these experiences.
00:18:50.853 --> 00:18:54.654
So Gil and I are having this conversation we're talking about today.
00:18:54.654 --> 00:19:03.454
Please do not introduce someone to your representative, but please introduce people to the best version of you.
00:19:03.454 --> 00:19:19.296
We all have bad days, we all have things that are happening, but if you're still so angry and upset and bitter about what happened to you, let's just even say before you get on a date, then you don't need to be dating yet.
00:19:19.296 --> 00:19:34.224
You need to know how to compartmentalize, which is something I think that men are really good at compartmentalize, which is something I think that men are really good at compartmentalizing how you feel, so that this person does not get what happened to them, to you, today, spilled onto them.
00:19:34.444 --> 00:19:40.317
Yeah, because that process of we all have past experience and things that we have come out of.
00:19:40.317 --> 00:19:49.809
But when you carry that forward into a new relationship, that somebody that you just met, it's not fair to them because they didn't they had no idea.
00:19:49.869 --> 00:19:51.453
They didn't do anything, they just showed up.
00:19:51.713 --> 00:19:59.691
Right, but if you are still holding them accountable for your past hurt and pain, that is something that you really need to resolve at the very beginning.
00:19:59.691 --> 00:20:17.051
So what we're talking about now, if you just joined us on this Thursday night live session, we're talking about why you should be dating, why you shouldn't be dating and some of the things that you can actually look out for and the first one is about when you probably shouldn't be dating right now is if you're still dealing with some personal pain from your past with some of the other ones.
00:20:17.594 --> 00:20:22.088
How about this one Unrealistic expectations?
00:20:22.589 --> 00:20:23.111
In the chat.
00:20:23.111 --> 00:20:28.200
If you've had unrealistic expectations before, put what that expectation?
00:20:28.259 --> 00:20:29.467
was what does that look like?
00:20:29.467 --> 00:20:42.307
You start a date out with someone and you expect them to do A, b, c, d, because let's just say your past experiences with boyfriend, girlfriend, a, b, c, whatever, I have a good one, ok, go ahead.
00:20:42.847 --> 00:20:54.684
So if you're going on a date and you expect someone to spend $300 on the date, that's unrealistic or you think it should cost a certain amount.
00:20:54.905 --> 00:20:56.509
If you're already going to the date.
00:20:56.509 --> 00:20:57.573
Oh, we're going on a date.
00:20:57.573 --> 00:20:59.218
We got to spend at least $300.
00:20:59.218 --> 00:21:12.830
That's unrealistic, because what if the person that you're going on a date with planned something that was like that didn't cost anything, but it was amazing?
00:21:12.830 --> 00:21:19.196
Like they plan to take you and they're going to be on the river and you're going to paint and eat.
00:21:19.196 --> 00:21:21.125
What if, what if, what if it's not about the money?
00:21:21.125 --> 00:21:28.265
So I think sometimes, if we make a monetary requirement, I think that that can be an unrealistic expectation.
00:21:28.566 --> 00:21:30.530
You know, because I think you also have.
00:21:30.530 --> 00:21:42.095
I think sometimes, when you're starting out, you have this mindset already etched in your mind how something is supposed to go or be, or even a person is supposed to behave a certain way or do a certain thing.
00:21:42.095 --> 00:21:52.886
Well, that's an unrealistic expectation, because when you already go in having there's nothing wrong, there's a difference between a standard and an expectation, exactly.
00:21:52.926 --> 00:21:55.712
A standard is what I uphold for me.
00:21:55.712 --> 00:21:58.178
An expectation is what I demand of you.
00:21:58.765 --> 00:21:59.787
Whoa Say that again.
00:22:00.288 --> 00:22:11.092
A standard is what I live up to for me, and our expectation is a demand that I put on you Right, either whether it's communicated or if it's uncommunicated.
00:22:11.251 --> 00:22:17.174
And that's a good point, because sometimes, if the expectation is not communicated, that's even a problem too.
00:22:17.174 --> 00:22:17.836
But guess what?
00:22:17.836 --> 00:22:20.388
Most people will still expect you to meet it Right.
00:22:20.388 --> 00:22:24.907
So how can somebody meet an expectation that you never told them that was out there?
00:22:25.067 --> 00:22:27.253
They're supposed to be able to read your mind.
00:22:27.253 --> 00:22:28.636
Oh, okay, yeah, that's.
00:22:28.636 --> 00:22:33.067
Another unrealistic expectation is to expect someone to be able to read your mind.
00:22:33.489 --> 00:22:34.872
Okay, how about this one?
00:22:34.872 --> 00:22:37.557
You're a spiritual mismatch.
00:22:39.005 --> 00:22:39.827
Unequally yoked.
00:22:39.827 --> 00:22:40.830
That's what the Bible calls it.
00:22:40.851 --> 00:22:43.567
We are followers of Christ and believers and that's what we follow in.
00:22:43.567 --> 00:22:46.714
So we use that as a gauge, that as a foundation.
00:22:46.736 --> 00:22:49.823
yes, when we, when we got, when we started dating, we were both heathens.
00:22:49.823 --> 00:22:52.413
Neither one of us were believers, neither one of us were christians.
00:22:52.434 --> 00:22:54.042
That's still a funny word to me.
00:22:54.042 --> 00:22:55.708
That just makes me sound crazy.
00:22:55.708 --> 00:23:04.354
You can just imagine people running around acting nutty, and we probably were but you should have the same faith.
00:23:05.115 --> 00:23:09.925
System beliefs, um, either you're both believers or one is a believer one.
00:23:09.925 --> 00:23:18.549
If you're both believers or you're both not believers, it's really hard when you are a believer and you want to, and I.
00:23:18.549 --> 00:23:35.106
I think it's even wrong for us, as believers, to have an expectation of godly behavior from people who have not committed to follow christ and I would even say that, while we are followers of christ, everybody may not be whatever your religious or your spiritual?
00:23:35.106 --> 00:23:35.469
Faith.
00:23:35.469 --> 00:23:37.153
Your faith base is, it should be equal.
00:23:37.335 --> 00:23:38.699
It should be the same.
00:23:38.699 --> 00:23:44.463
Yeah, because imagine you get mixed up with someone who is totally opposite of what you may believe.
00:23:44.483 --> 00:23:46.106
You're gonna follow each other, do you think?
00:23:46.127 --> 00:23:47.630
that's going to cause a conflict.
00:23:47.790 --> 00:23:48.412
Yes, it is.
00:23:48.571 --> 00:23:55.532
Let us tell you from experience over 18 plus years of working with a lot of people that are faith and not faith.
00:23:55.532 --> 00:23:58.386
It's going to be a problem because you are so focused on man.
00:23:58.386 --> 00:24:03.637
This person looks so good, she smells so nice, you know, she's so peaceful.
00:24:07.157 --> 00:24:15.228
They have all these positive qualities and characters and attributes but you're ignoring a foundational thing that should be a deal breaker for you.
00:24:15.228 --> 00:24:19.376
Yes, but you accept it and just decide oh, we're gonna make it work.
00:24:19.376 --> 00:24:21.207
No, or don't use this one.
00:24:21.207 --> 00:24:25.134
They can change, or you can convert them.
00:24:25.715 --> 00:24:27.499
No, dating is not evangelism.
00:24:27.499 --> 00:24:30.631
If you find someone who has shared your.
00:24:30.790 --> 00:24:31.313
Yeah, Don't.
00:24:31.313 --> 00:24:32.875
Don't use that as a guideline.
00:24:32.875 --> 00:24:33.778
Please, please, please.
00:24:33.778 --> 00:24:37.178
We've seen it multiple times where people compromise.
00:24:37.178 --> 00:24:39.005
You're better than compromising.
00:24:39.005 --> 00:24:47.098
Don't tell yourself short and compromise on something that is a foundational principle for you and you just overlook it or ignore it.
00:24:47.098 --> 00:24:48.628
That's not fair to yourself.
00:24:48.648 --> 00:24:55.035
You have to compromise in the relationship because it's you and the other person, but you never compromise your values.
00:24:55.035 --> 00:25:03.097
You can compromise your position, you can compromise on you're going to go to dinner or lunch, but you should never compromise on your values.
00:25:03.345 --> 00:25:04.048
How about this one?
00:25:04.048 --> 00:25:06.097
You find yourself do not date.
00:25:06.097 --> 00:25:14.438
If you find yourself needing to manipulate or give ultimatums to a person to get them to go out.
00:25:14.438 --> 00:25:16.746
Yeah, that doesn't work.
00:25:16.746 --> 00:25:18.188
Why doesn't it work?
00:25:18.669 --> 00:25:29.946
Because the only control that God gives us is self-control, and to think that you can control another human being is an effort and futility.
00:25:30.106 --> 00:25:32.551
And I would even say sometimes this will be.
00:25:32.551 --> 00:25:35.898
You may be on the receiving end of this one.
00:25:35.898 --> 00:25:50.038
If someone is manipulating or kind of giving you ultimatums for dating them, that should be a red flag a warning sign Run, run run yeah, because if not, you're going to find yourself starting to second guess.
00:25:50.305 --> 00:25:50.526
Well.
00:25:51.608 --> 00:25:52.530
And compromising.
00:25:52.530 --> 00:25:57.730
Right, you know your values, and so that manipulation, what does that look like?
00:25:57.730 --> 00:26:02.298
That may look something like well, if you really like me, like you say you do.
00:26:02.525 --> 00:26:04.249
Yeah, always try to flip it around.
00:26:04.690 --> 00:26:09.366
When someone tries to flip it around or redo that reverse psychology, make it seem like you're the problem.
00:26:09.366 --> 00:26:19.276
You may want to say whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no, this is not how it's going to work, because if they're starting to manipulate now, Right, it's only going to escalate.
00:26:19.276 --> 00:26:25.657
Or it may look like something like he may say something like well, I'll go out with her instead of you.
00:26:25.657 --> 00:26:31.229
Or I'm interested in her instead, or I'm trying to decide between you and her.
00:26:31.736 --> 00:26:42.547
Oh my God, this is not a restaurant menu, you are not an option, you are the priority, and if someone can't make you the priority male or female then that's not someone that's for you.
00:26:42.547 --> 00:26:45.838
The person that's for you is going to make you their priority.
00:26:45.919 --> 00:26:55.671
And this one kind of goes back into what Renee described, the one of don't date if you feel pressure from peers, oh yeah.
00:26:56.734 --> 00:26:58.482
Girl you ain't got no man.
00:26:58.482 --> 00:27:00.726
Man you ain't got no woman.
00:27:00.746 --> 00:27:02.580
Like dude when you gonna have kids.
00:27:03.976 --> 00:27:06.765
One of the things well, we got married really young.
00:27:06.765 --> 00:27:18.404
But one of the things that I realized that people will ask you questions that they know the answer to, and so I always answer questions with questions when people ask me like, well, you had that baby yet yeah, I had that baby.
00:27:18.404 --> 00:27:19.146
I'm pregnant again.
00:27:19.146 --> 00:27:23.023
So people ask you you're not dating yet yeah, I'm dating.
00:27:23.023 --> 00:27:25.210
Oh, really dating myself.
00:27:26.271 --> 00:27:36.750
Because so many times when people see you doing things that they can't do or they didn't do or they wish they would have done, it's easier to critique than to compliment.
00:27:36.750 --> 00:27:46.922
Be okay with you, because when we say you are more than enough, we are not just saying that, we mean that and they're, we're both gills in the air force.
00:27:46.922 --> 00:27:56.122
So I'm, I have spent not anymore a year alone without my husband and guess what, I didn't die.
00:27:56.122 --> 00:28:02.298
So a year, 12 months, and I already was in a relationship.
00:28:02.298 --> 00:28:06.635
So when you're, when you've already used to being with someone, you can spend a whole year.
00:28:06.635 --> 00:28:16.147
So anything that you think you want, you're saying, okay, I want to get married, okay, be able to spend at least that amount of time by yourself.
00:28:16.435 --> 00:28:17.859
Right, you owe that to yourself.
00:28:17.859 --> 00:28:19.163
It should be a personal choice.
00:28:19.163 --> 00:28:21.880
It should be something that you're deciding when you're ready.
00:28:21.880 --> 00:28:28.045
Because Not because- of a clock or oh my gosh, I don't know what that clock looked like and I've never seen it, you know.
00:28:28.566 --> 00:28:29.667
but that's the clock.
00:28:29.875 --> 00:28:38.970
Don't let the clock control, or even the one of pressure from family members or mom's dads and talking about well, this is for my older folks.
00:28:38.970 --> 00:28:41.843
You know I want grandbabies.
00:28:41.843 --> 00:28:44.883
Some people don't need to have no kids.
00:28:45.055 --> 00:28:49.928
Well, tell them to go borrow somebody's you know practice Get a puppy go visit.
00:28:54.315 --> 00:28:57.428
Work and serve at church, because that still goes back to you having pressure put upon yourself to do something that you may not want to.
00:28:57.428 --> 00:29:01.721
You may be on this journey of self-discovery and trying to figure out what is it that I'm really looking for.
00:29:01.721 --> 00:29:13.720
And if you feel that societal pressure of get out there and go date just date a lot of people and figure it out Figure it out as you go along or just pressure from a lot of different sources, you may want to say you know what?
00:29:14.240 --> 00:29:21.117
if you feel pressure from other people to make a decision, you owe it to yourself.
00:29:21.117 --> 00:29:23.061
I did the video.
00:29:23.061 --> 00:29:27.108
No, it's really a really real word by itself.
00:29:27.108 --> 00:29:28.942
No or no, Thank you.
00:29:28.942 --> 00:29:36.700
You know, we have to be able to be confident enough, because one of the things my godmother would always say I want you to make your own mistakes Right.
00:29:36.700 --> 00:29:38.648
So I want you to make decisions.
00:29:38.648 --> 00:29:45.126
If you're going to make mistakes, if you're going to fall off you're going to love, do it because it's what you want, not because of somebody else.
00:29:45.476 --> 00:29:45.957
I love this.
00:29:45.957 --> 00:29:47.279
It's a complete sentence.
00:29:47.580 --> 00:29:49.626
Yes, a complete sentence, Thank you.
00:29:50.174 --> 00:29:52.380
That's Blanche, and I'll give you one last one.
00:29:52.380 --> 00:29:55.425
This is from my guys.
00:29:55.425 --> 00:29:59.460
If my guys are out there listening, be financially stable.
00:29:59.460 --> 00:30:04.895
Oh, it's for the girls too If you ain't ready, do not go out there.
00:30:04.895 --> 00:30:15.267
If you cannot treat your future wife, woman, girlfriend, fiance, whatever you want to call them, I ain't saying you got to give them the best, but you should give them the best.
00:30:16.477 --> 00:30:19.563
It doesn't have to be a financial amount.
00:30:19.563 --> 00:30:22.689
No, you should date within your income.
00:30:24.755 --> 00:30:27.000
That's what we're talking about Flat out money.
00:30:27.000 --> 00:30:28.564
I'm just going to call it like it is.
00:30:28.564 --> 00:30:41.943
If you cannot afford something, be okay with that and say that from the very beginning, because that comes back to the compatibility, that comes back to being transparent and being honest with it, because if you don't have it, you don't have it.
00:30:41.943 --> 00:30:42.605
Because, guess what?
00:30:42.605 --> 00:30:44.920
You can go on dates and it not cost you anything.
00:30:44.940 --> 00:30:51.557
If you have to borrow to go on a date, you're not ready to date.
00:30:51.557 --> 00:30:51.657
Yeah.
00:30:51.657 --> 00:30:53.143
If you have to borrow to go on a date, you're not ready to date.
00:30:53.143 --> 00:30:53.242
Yeah.
00:30:53.242 --> 00:30:53.363
Yeah.
00:30:53.363 --> 00:30:56.292
If you have to sacrifice, well, I can't pay the light bill, but we're gonna go on a date.
00:30:56.292 --> 00:30:58.641
No, you're not ready to date yeah, you need to again.
00:30:58.721 --> 00:31:02.855
You need to spend some time with you and a budget and I'm building the whole.
00:31:02.855 --> 00:31:09.724
You can help you get all that together, because you need to learn how to manage money before you decide you're going to be in a relationship with somebody else.
00:31:09.744 --> 00:31:17.391
Yeah, and I'm not saying you got to be able to offer someone filet mignon and a very, very expensive car to a very, very expensive place.
00:31:17.391 --> 00:31:22.064
You have to be able to offer the best you can by being stable in your financial resources.
00:31:22.084 --> 00:31:37.969
That you can afford to pay within your rent or not charge Right, unless you're using your debit card, because that's, that's a real big thing, because family sex and money destroys more relationships than um that we're aware of.
00:31:38.028 --> 00:31:49.638
So don't, don't do that to yourself okay, before we start the last list that we're going to share with you guys tonight about when you things you should do, when you know you're ready today, we'll give you some indicators of that.
00:31:49.638 --> 00:31:50.804
What's these cards?
00:31:51.798 --> 00:31:53.484
We're going to play a game y'all tonight.
00:31:53.806 --> 00:31:55.432
Oh Lord we're going to play a game.
00:31:57.099 --> 00:31:58.182
I got the cards.
00:31:58.222 --> 00:31:59.026
What are these cards?
00:31:59.026 --> 00:32:02.141
These are cards I'm going to be honest with y'all.
00:32:02.141 --> 00:32:04.523
I know she got them.
00:32:05.797 --> 00:32:06.661
We had two different cards.
00:32:06.661 --> 00:32:10.983
One of them is called Happy Hour, and then these cards.
00:32:10.983 --> 00:32:17.154
They have a brain on them and I'm going to put the link for these in our in the description.
00:32:17.395 --> 00:32:18.479
I put that note in there.
00:32:18.479 --> 00:32:20.265
If you're interested, good conversation.
00:32:20.575 --> 00:32:28.696
These are 52 essential relationship skills and one of the things that we realize is we try to talk a lot about communication.
00:32:28.696 --> 00:32:32.979
And one of the things that we realize is we try to talk a lot about communication.
00:32:32.979 --> 00:32:39.021
But if I had to say the secret sauce in a relationship in our book Rich Relationships, our merit of the marriage, the rich, the rich relationship refuge, the workbook.
00:32:39.362 --> 00:33:04.945
We talk about the tie, which it is trust, identity and empathy of all the couples we work with over the years, the one thing that we have noticed the secret ingredient missing in most relationships is empathy, and I have a question for y'all, because you know, we hear everyone's always talking about this alpha female, this is just me, my question.
00:33:04.864 --> 00:33:05.695
I really want to know legitimately.
00:33:05.695 --> 00:33:06.128
This is totally off.
00:33:06.128 --> 00:33:06.723
I don't know where she's going, y'all, so I'm along for the ride.
00:33:06.723 --> 00:33:06.771
To me, this is totally off.
00:33:06.771 --> 00:33:09.681
I don't know where she's going, y'all, I'm along for the ride.
00:33:09.701 --> 00:33:10.585
Come on, okay.
00:33:10.585 --> 00:33:25.420
Is an alpha female, something that is genetic in the way God wired you, or is an alpha female, a female with low empathy and emotional intelligence?
00:33:26.743 --> 00:33:31.104
Hmm, I would say, if you want to respond to a lady.
00:33:31.448 --> 00:33:33.226
we know some people are in here.
00:33:33.226 --> 00:33:35.621
I'm not trying to step on nobody's toes, I'm just wondering.
00:33:35.994 --> 00:33:37.461
Ask the question again one more time.
00:33:37.996 --> 00:33:39.603
Is an alpha female.
00:33:39.603 --> 00:33:48.374
When you think about the definition of what that is, is that something that is by design?
00:33:49.239 --> 00:33:49.902
That's how you are.
00:33:50.154 --> 00:33:59.128
That's how God wired you to be an alpha female, or is that a result of a woman who has any low emotional IQ and low empathy?
00:34:00.675 --> 00:34:01.559
If you want me to answer it.
00:34:01.559 --> 00:34:03.200
No, let's just leave that.
00:34:03.200 --> 00:34:06.482
That's going to be rhetorical, that's going to be the question.
00:34:06.775 --> 00:34:08.603
So each week, I'm going to ask one like that.
00:34:08.675 --> 00:34:10.318
So I would say, put that in the chat.
00:34:10.318 --> 00:34:19.987
If you're watching this later, by all means respond, because we want to hear what you guys have to say, because that may lead into another segment or another conversation we have on these Thursday Night Lives.
00:34:20.554 --> 00:34:37.306
But let's, let's say that because this is what we're going to work on building, because, unlike your IQ, your EQ can increase, and we have episodes on Pi emotional intelligence.
00:34:37.306 --> 00:34:51.259
We have an assessment on our website, a free emotional intelligence assessment, because the more I interact with people, the more I live life, the more I work with couples, I realized that that's something that people don't really pay attention to.
00:34:51.259 --> 00:34:52.842
Everyone says be kind.
00:34:52.842 --> 00:34:54.246
But how does that?
00:34:54.246 --> 00:34:54.956
How do you do that?
00:34:54.956 --> 00:35:03.619
And I would just talk to a little about today and say well, when we have empathy, it being kind just comes natural.
00:35:03.659 --> 00:35:12.286
So, for those who may not be familiar with empathy, why don't you share with them, as just give an example, a brief definition of how you see empathy?
00:35:12.286 --> 00:35:13.349
What is empathy?
00:35:14.255 --> 00:35:15.300
Sympathy is.
00:35:15.300 --> 00:35:16.748
I'm so sorry.
00:35:17.050 --> 00:35:17.974
I'm sorry, you feel that way.
00:35:18.014 --> 00:35:20.416
I'm sorry you feel that way here?
00:35:20.416 --> 00:35:21.181
Here's a dollar.
00:35:21.181 --> 00:35:26.505
Sympathy is I step Empathy, empathy, that's empathy.
00:35:26.505 --> 00:35:31.507
So empathy is I'm so sorry, oh, I'm so sorry that happened to you?
00:35:32.056 --> 00:35:33.259
What can I do to help you?
00:35:33.259 --> 00:35:34.782
How can I serve you?
00:35:34.782 --> 00:35:38.028
How can I and you even begin to feel what they feel?
00:35:38.028 --> 00:35:41.623
So I think of empathy is your pain in my heart.
00:35:41.623 --> 00:35:54.079
So I actually feel it, and empathy requires that you stop and slow down and you think about this from the other person's perspective, where sympathy, you can be in motion.
00:35:54.079 --> 00:35:57.588
Empathy requires that you stop and step with.
00:35:57.655 --> 00:35:59.661
I would even say that part is the connection.
00:35:59.661 --> 00:36:03.574
You actually feel something for what that person may be going through, right?
00:36:03.574 --> 00:36:04.998
So that's what we're talking about.
00:36:04.998 --> 00:36:09.780
So, if you want to answer that question I see somebody answer this I think it could be a little mixture of both.
00:36:09.780 --> 00:36:13.751
It can be, yeah absolutely, absolutely.
00:36:14.052 --> 00:36:16.456
I do too, but I think about it because I know for us.
00:36:16.456 --> 00:36:21.788
I mean, I'm Black and I know that we can be a little bit hard.
00:36:21.788 --> 00:36:23.456
We can be.
00:36:23.597 --> 00:36:26.382
That may be a whole nother string of things.
00:36:26.402 --> 00:36:28.507
So we are going to always.
00:36:28.507 --> 00:36:33.463
So we're going to be working on we're going to always be working on things to help us to build our empathy.
00:36:33.463 --> 00:36:36.048
So, even behind the scenes, you'll be playing a game.
00:36:36.048 --> 00:36:38.159
We're going to be building your empathy muscles, y'all.
00:36:38.836 --> 00:36:40.481
So let's do three.
00:36:40.481 --> 00:36:42.085
Let's do three questions, three cards.
00:36:42.085 --> 00:36:46.460
And then we're going to give you the indicators.
00:36:46.460 --> 00:36:49.123
Of you are ready today, so she's just pulling these at random.
00:36:49.123 --> 00:36:51.347
Are these going to be questions you ask me, or we just?
00:36:51.568 --> 00:36:53.956
ask okay, the way that it works, the rules.
00:36:53.956 --> 00:37:00.713
They have rules and I love that it explains it and it gives you some guidelines okay okay.
00:37:00.873 --> 00:37:09.565
So the rules are be respectful, stay curious, show respect.
00:37:09.565 --> 00:37:12.668
Okay, okay, so and so.
00:37:12.668 --> 00:37:17.063
So this is a relationship building block, and so then all the different letters.
00:37:17.063 --> 00:37:28.759
So basically, I'm going to ask you a question, and it even talks about making sure that you if, even if you disagree, you do it in a way where it's respectful of the other person, and I love what miss t just said here.
00:37:28.717 --> 00:37:30.119
I'm an alpha female and for me it's respectful of the other person and I love what Miss T just said here.
00:37:30.079 --> 00:37:31.338
I'm an alpha female.
00:37:31.498 --> 00:37:40.646
And for me, it's how God designed me, as I have been told by my mom that I have always been strong minded, but I also have empathy.
00:37:40.646 --> 00:37:42.773
That is like a man.
00:37:42.813 --> 00:37:43.315
It's a superpower.
00:37:43.315 --> 00:38:00.318
I think that when you because I have been, I never saw myself that way, but I guess that is who I am, but I have always been strong minded and driven and um, but when I developed empathy, when I learned it was like a superpower.
00:38:00.358 --> 00:38:01.461
It was like oh my.
00:38:01.501 --> 00:38:01.762
God.
00:38:01.762 --> 00:38:06.059
So you got this big motor and you got a stern where you can control it Right.
00:38:06.059 --> 00:38:07.664
I think empathy helps you to do that.
00:38:07.903 --> 00:38:08.856
So let's ask the question.
00:38:08.856 --> 00:38:17.436
Okay, so you can share these questions with your significant other, somebody you're dating with or married, or if you're watching, even though this is a singles focus right now tonight.
00:38:17.436 --> 00:38:19.141
But so this is go ahead.
00:38:19.320 --> 00:38:20.182
OK, so it's.
00:38:20.182 --> 00:38:21.885
It says listen.
00:38:21.885 --> 00:38:28.764
What can I do to help you see, hear, feel and know that I am listening?
00:38:29.525 --> 00:38:32.610
OK, read it one more time, for so it says hear, feel and know that I am listening.
00:38:33.192 --> 00:38:34.474
Okay, read it one more time for her.
00:38:34.474 --> 00:38:39.655
So it says listen.
00:38:39.675 --> 00:38:40.137
What can I do to help?
00:38:40.498 --> 00:38:41.740
you see, hear, feel know that I am listening.
00:38:41.760 --> 00:38:44.628
Wow, and these are rhetorical questions and they are there to challenge you.
00:38:44.628 --> 00:38:45.289
No, I want you to answer.
00:38:45.289 --> 00:38:46.472
Oh, you want me to answer.
00:38:47.894 --> 00:38:48.396
I want you to answer.
00:38:48.396 --> 00:38:49.338
Oh, you want me to answer, then I'll answer.
00:38:49.338 --> 00:38:49.579
Ok, and then.
00:38:49.579 --> 00:38:54.574
And then it also says it says describe a time when you felt heard and unheard.
00:38:54.916 --> 00:38:58.525
OK, so read the question one more time, just to just jump in.
00:38:58.525 --> 00:38:59.115
And what?
00:38:59.195 --> 00:39:05.028
can I do to help you see, hear, feel, know that I am listening.
00:39:05.175 --> 00:39:06.559
I would say start out.
00:39:06.559 --> 00:39:20.835
We kind of had this happen this afternoon that when we're talking, look at me, make eye contact with if that means putting your phone down, put your phone down so I can have 100 percent of your attention.
00:39:20.835 --> 00:39:33.762
And so that's something that if I'm talking and I'm explaining something to you or sharing something with you, if by just like what you're doing right now, then I know I have your undivided attention.
00:39:33.762 --> 00:39:35.387
That's how I would know.
00:39:35.594 --> 00:39:40.409
Yeah, so it says see, hear, feel and know that I'm listening.
00:39:40.409 --> 00:39:42.896
So describe a time when you felt heard.
00:39:44.038 --> 00:39:50.936
That same situation, cause you actually stop, you put your phone down and you actually acknowledge what I was saying.
00:39:50.936 --> 00:39:55.125
You showed me empathy about the situation, how I felt you.
00:39:55.125 --> 00:40:00.382
You said, okay, I will work on that, and you and she didn't give me any other um follow-up with that.
00:40:00.382 --> 00:40:04.838
It wasn't a well, this is why, or wasn't an explanation.
00:40:04.838 --> 00:40:08.284
She just acknowledged it, accepted it and said, okay, yeah.
00:40:08.284 --> 00:40:10.514
So now same question to you.
00:40:11.155 --> 00:40:21.525
Okay, um, and when you felt it says and a time when you felt unheard Prior to that prior to that, when you before you didn't put the phone down.
00:40:21.525 --> 00:40:29.105
Let me tell y'all what happened what had happened was, well, we were having a conversation and I am, I will have.
00:40:29.105 --> 00:40:33.458
I do that, wait, what did you say?
00:40:33.458 --> 00:40:34.661
But I also.
00:40:34.681 --> 00:40:35.744
That's what it looks like y'all.
00:40:35.974 --> 00:40:40.527
But I also will go into like five different lanes.
00:40:41.534 --> 00:40:54.233
I'm like changing lanes and my changing lane and Gil was like you need to put your turn signal on when you change topics and change lanes, because I can't keep up and so I said, okay, you know what, I'm sorry, I'm gonna, I'm gonna work on that.
00:40:54.733 --> 00:40:55.675
I'm changing lanes.
00:40:55.675 --> 00:41:01.608
I need to physically say I'm sure, because I realized that we're just we, you know, hey, we're.
00:41:01.608 --> 00:41:05.483
He's a male, I'm a female, we're just different, so so I okay.
00:41:05.483 --> 00:41:10.534
So when was the time that I felt hurt, a time that I felt hurt?
00:41:10.775 --> 00:41:11.217
A time that I will.
00:41:11.217 --> 00:41:13.644
I know what you're going to say because it just happened not too long ago, but go ahead.
00:41:13.954 --> 00:41:17.936
Well, we're trying to find someplace to live, oh no, this is a new one so.
00:41:17.936 --> 00:41:33.106
I've been working on it and he said babe, I really appreciate how hard you've been working to find something because it's a lot of work and I appreciated you because you said that, because you that's something that was.
00:41:33.106 --> 00:41:35.661
I mean, you didn't have to, but you noticed it.
00:41:35.661 --> 00:41:38.784
So I felt, I felt seen, I felt heard.
00:41:38.784 --> 00:41:42.985
And a time when I did not feel heard.
00:41:44.876 --> 00:41:46.202
If you don't have it, I can give it to you.
00:41:46.414 --> 00:41:48.349
I can tell you patio furniture.
00:41:48.550 --> 00:42:04.106
Oh, okay, yeah, we shared that with you on a couple of episodes back where we were in the process of moving and Renee expressed to me how important it was for her to have some patio furniture that we had at our old house before we moved here and I just dismissed it and just eh I forgot about it.
00:42:04.255 --> 00:42:08.702
Yeah, and just casted it off and didn't take it as serious as it meant to her.
00:42:08.702 --> 00:42:17.126
So she said it multiple times but I just kind of dismissed it and so that caused a big riff and we had a conflict and we resolved it.
00:42:17.126 --> 00:42:19.103
That's why she don't remember it, which is good.
00:42:19.103 --> 00:42:35.244
So I know we went a little bit long on that one, but since we try to keep these under an hour, so we want to give you guys the five things that you know that you can date Not that we're giving you permission that you're ready, ready to actually date.
00:42:35.244 --> 00:42:46.454
The very first one I'm going to give you is that you have is the opposite of what we said in the very beginning that you have been healed or that you are healed from your past hurts and pains from previous relationships.
00:42:46.574 --> 00:42:53.445
And the way you'll know you're healed from something is because the Bible says out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
00:42:53.445 --> 00:42:58.344
When you can stop talking about it, then you are healed from it.
00:42:58.344 --> 00:43:05.204
If you're still talking about it to everybody that will listen, you're not healed from it yet.
00:43:05.204 --> 00:43:09.565
If you talk about it and it makes you break down in tears, you're not healed from it yet.
00:43:09.585 --> 00:43:25.356
And talk about it and it makes you break down in tears, you're not healed from it yet and hopefully you're not breaking down in tears on a date yeah so this is why we say think about these things before you go down that road, then you'll know, I may not be ready just yet, because you, and that's okay.
00:43:25.356 --> 00:43:29.581
Yeah, that is definitely OK, you should take that time.
00:43:29.621 --> 00:43:30.083
There is.
00:43:30.083 --> 00:43:36.630
You cannot decide, you can't say OK, I give you 30 days and you got to know that's not the way, that's not the way we heal.
00:43:36.630 --> 00:43:44.588
So give yourself the time, because you want to be able to give the best version of yourself to this other person and to God and to you.
00:43:44.588 --> 00:43:48.382
So take the time, slow down and get here.
00:43:48.661 --> 00:43:49.143
Number two.
00:43:49.143 --> 00:43:53.601
Ask yourself this question Do I communicate effectively?
00:43:53.601 --> 00:44:06.663
When we talk about communicating effectively, we're talking about not only assertive communication, talking about what you actually need from this person, but also are you listening, to understand, right?
00:44:08.568 --> 00:44:11.375
And so many times we think that communication is talking.
00:44:11.375 --> 00:44:13.722
And I mean how many of us?
00:44:13.722 --> 00:44:18.255
God gave us one mouth and two ears, two he wants us to see and hear more than one.
00:44:18.255 --> 00:44:26.436
So listening to understand, not to respond, not to fix yep, and this kind of goes back to part one.
00:44:26.476 --> 00:44:29.001
the third one is what are your?
00:44:29.001 --> 00:44:31.827
You have identified your relationship goals.
00:44:31.827 --> 00:44:33.940
What is it the reason why you want to start dating?
00:44:33.940 --> 00:44:35.264
Why are you going out there?
00:44:35.264 --> 00:44:37.298
As they say, I'm going to put myself back out there?
00:44:37.298 --> 00:44:42.057
Well, putting yourself back out there is a good thing, but what is your end result?
00:44:42.057 --> 00:44:43.018
What is your objective?
00:44:43.018 --> 00:44:47.005
What is it that you want to achieve by going back out there and dating?
00:44:47.005 --> 00:44:55.101
We gave you a list already at the beginning of this as far as about some of the reasons why people date, even if it's on that list.
00:44:55.121 --> 00:44:56.387
that's okay, If you just want to hang out with somebody.
00:44:56.407 --> 00:45:06.025
That's fine, but you need to know why you're going out there, because if not, you're going to be all over the place and you're going to just imagine jumping in your car without a destination in mind, just driving.
00:45:09.735 --> 00:45:19.570
Yeah, I remember once my sister, my little sister, she said I miss you, you miss me and I said well, what have you done to make you miss me?
00:45:19.570 --> 00:45:22.159
Miss you, I work at being missed.
00:45:22.159 --> 00:45:26.086
What are you doing to put yourself out there?
00:45:26.086 --> 00:45:27.349
What are you putting out there?
00:45:27.349 --> 00:45:32.045
Are you putting somebody that when they get in the car and you late, you're gonna go off on?
00:45:32.045 --> 00:45:33.210
They're gonna go off on the person?
00:45:33.210 --> 00:45:40.563
Are you putting yourself out there and the first person you're with you're gonna dump everything that happened to you like five years ago in a date?
00:45:40.563 --> 00:45:51.228
So when you put yourself out there, make sure you're putting not the perfect you not the real you not the real, but the real you that's on a journey of healing.
00:45:51.755 --> 00:45:55.463
One of the things I think about when Gil said she wasn't, she was fun.
00:45:56.326 --> 00:45:56.847
Talking about you.
00:45:56.914 --> 00:46:04.096
Yeah, will someone say, you're fun, because that is a thing you know, a part of the joy of the Lord.
00:46:04.096 --> 00:46:15.731
That's something that we should see in the life of a believer, and I think sometimes we can be so focused on religion that we lose sight of the joy of the Lord as our strength.
00:46:15.731 --> 00:46:19.103
And so get ready, let yourself, let God heal your heart.
00:46:19.534 --> 00:46:27.155
Number four we gave it the opposite of this one, that I am financially stable enough to actually go out on some days.
00:46:27.516 --> 00:46:28.717
I got my coins ready.
00:46:28.717 --> 00:46:31.101
I got some money saved.
00:46:31.101 --> 00:46:32.724
I got some money invested.
00:46:32.724 --> 00:46:39.864
I'm a giver saver and so therefore, you can really be a blessing to someone on a date.
00:46:39.945 --> 00:46:44.157
Right, and because I know when I've always used this rule when I was dating.
00:46:44.157 --> 00:46:48.041
If I'm asking you out, then it's on me.
00:46:48.041 --> 00:47:01.695
Yes, if I say, hey, let's meet up and offer an open invitation to, like a group of folks, I don't mean I'm paying for everybody, no, no, that just means, hey, let's meet up, let's go do this particular activity.
00:47:01.695 --> 00:47:03.679
If you want to join, join, that means it's on you.
00:47:03.679 --> 00:47:11.849
But if I say, hey, renee, do you want to go do ABC, then that means I've already made the financial decision.
00:47:11.849 --> 00:47:13.552
Yeah, you do count, you don't pay for me anyway.
00:47:13.552 --> 00:47:17.501
Well, yeah, that's true, but we're trying to help them.
00:47:18.356 --> 00:47:19.338
Follow along, please.
00:47:19.338 --> 00:47:19.880
I'm sorry.
00:47:21.844 --> 00:47:22.635
Y'all get the point.
00:47:22.635 --> 00:47:26.443
Y'all get the point and we're going to give you the last one so we can close out today.
00:47:26.443 --> 00:47:28.137
We appreciate you guys joining us.
00:47:28.137 --> 00:47:43.217
If you're just joining us late, please go back and look at the very beginning on this Thursday night live, we're talking about if you're ready, if you're ready, if you're ready in this one, that you are able to invest the time, effort and the energy Into actually dating.
00:47:43.516 --> 00:47:49.445
There's nothing worse that I believe in someone who is in it halfway not available, that I believe in someone who is in it halfway Not available.
00:47:49.445 --> 00:47:54.891
You know, if you're focused on career, focus on your career, don't try to do both.
00:47:54.891 --> 00:48:00.461
If that's where your main focus is and that's your priority right now, because multitasking is not a real thing.
00:48:00.481 --> 00:48:01.284
There's no such thing.
00:48:01.284 --> 00:48:04.545
Nobody wants to feel like you're half in, right.
00:48:04.545 --> 00:48:25.945
If you're half in, then you're going to probably get half interest, right, you know, or you may not get any interest at all, because people can tell, yeah, you know, making a time, making a priority and place, and let that person know, especially if you deciding that you want to invest time because that's your most valuable resource, it's not your money, it's not your career, it's not all the other tangible things.
00:48:26.355 --> 00:48:33.422
It is your time because we only have a limited amount of it, so make sure you invest it wisely in somebody that is worth the time, effort and energy.
00:48:33.422 --> 00:48:35.804
But you have to know that before you jump in.
00:48:36.144 --> 00:48:37.447
Yes, that's very, very true.
00:48:37.746 --> 00:48:40.068
So those are the list.
00:48:40.068 --> 00:48:41.771
One more question and then we're going to close it out.
00:48:41.771 --> 00:48:49.670
Ok, so these are the question cards.
00:48:49.670 --> 00:48:52.717
Ok, now this is a call master Describe a communication skill you would like to improve.
00:48:52.737 --> 00:48:56.887
We just had this conversation I have got to be better at.
00:48:56.887 --> 00:49:06.552
I'm going to always have to work on listening and how I listen, and listening with empathy, because empathy is something I'm just learning to develop, right.
00:49:06.572 --> 00:49:19.704
So listening with with empathy, and I would say the polar opposite of that is I have to do a better job of communicating how I feel, yes, my assertiveness about really thinking about what's really going on with me.
00:49:19.704 --> 00:49:21.737
What is it that I'm really trying to communicate?
00:49:21.737 --> 00:49:33.001
Because I have a tendency to go around the block, y'all, and go around the block until I finally get to it and Renee will do some probing questions and she'll finally say, well, what about this and what about that?
00:49:33.001 --> 00:49:36.918
Yeah, that's it, that's what I was getting to.
00:49:36.918 --> 00:49:39.043
I just went around the block.
00:49:39.123 --> 00:49:42.920
So, just like Gil is good at listening, he's taught me how to be a better listener.
00:49:42.920 --> 00:49:46.757
I'm good at communicating, so I'm helping him to be a better.
00:49:46.757 --> 00:49:53.088
I'm not trying to make him like me, but when you're with someone, you're going to learn from each other.
00:49:53.088 --> 00:49:55.820
Show me your friends and I'll show you your future.
00:49:55.820 --> 00:49:58.125
The people that you spend your time with.
00:49:58.125 --> 00:49:59.427
They are impacting you.
00:49:59.427 --> 00:50:01.659
You say things that they say.
00:50:01.659 --> 00:50:05.889
That's why the Bible says evil association destroys good intention.
00:50:05.889 --> 00:50:17.402
It's so important that, as we're going through this thing called life, that we are mindful of the people that we're spending our time with, and that we're mindful Because, again, your time is your most valuable resource.
00:50:17.402 --> 00:50:25.724
Invest it wisely, like you invested your time with us.
00:50:25.884 --> 00:50:28.086
We appreciate you guys hanging out with us tonight.
00:50:28.387 --> 00:50:44.514
We thank you for investing your time yes, not only in us and in this community, but also in yourself, because the things that we share with you, we hope that you get something out of it that you can take and apply it and apply it and then graft it into your life, that it can pay huge dividends and benefits.
00:50:44.514 --> 00:50:45.456
Thank you for listening.
00:50:45.456 --> 00:50:46.396
Thank you for your investment in time.
00:50:46.396 --> 00:50:46.916
Thank you for listening.
00:50:46.916 --> 00:50:47.717
Thank you for your investment in time.
00:50:47.717 --> 00:50:55.164
Remember to subscribe to the show and hit the notification icon to be notified when new episodes are posted on the podcast platform that you're listening from.
00:50:55.804 --> 00:51:04.092
Or you can always find us on our website at richrelationshipsuscom, or our YouTube channel, rich Relationships with Gil Renee.
00:51:04.092 --> 00:51:18.005
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