Why your friend gets meaner when you’re happy

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Language: en
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Have you ever noticed that the better
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your life gets, the meaner one
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particular person becomes? Not openly.
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Never in a way that you could even
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screenshot.
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A little comment about what you're
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wearing, a joke about your relationship
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that doesn't quite feel like a joke,
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a you've changed that lands like an
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accusation instead of something
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positive.
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Maybe you drive home replaying it,
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wondering if maybe you're the problem.
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You're not. Today, I'm talking about the
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person who needs you to stay small, why
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they do it, why men and women who are
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sensitive and empathetic keep them
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close, and what it quietly does to your
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healing, even maybe your therapeutic
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journey, and to your love. I'm Lesie
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Matthews. This is pulling threads and
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welcome to the episode.
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I don't diagnose people that I've
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haven't sat with and I'm going to gently
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ask that you don't either. Not because
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the word narcissist is wrong. Sometimes
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it's spot-on and we definitely have an
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epidemic of it. But a label can turn
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into a place to hide and we spend all of
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our energy proving what they are and
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none of it on what we need to do. So
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that's not what this episode is about
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today. I'm going to talk about patterns
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and you'll know if they fit someone in
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your life. The first one is your joy is
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a threat.
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You share good news and something shifts
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on their face. The more you share, the
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more they criticize. Your promotion gets
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a must be nice. Your happy weekend gets
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a story about how that never lasts. The
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shoes always going to the other shoe is
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always going to drop. The second thing
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is they correct you. what you wear, what
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you order, how you spend your money, who
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loves you, and it always comes wrapped
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in a I'm just being honest or I'm only
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saying this because I care.
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Those comments, especially when they
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come when you're in a time of really
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trying to self-improve,
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hit really hard, even if we don't
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realize it in the moment. So, if you're
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out to eat with someone and you order a
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chicken Caesar salad because you're
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being health conscious and taking care
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of yourself,
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um, and they order a giant cheeseburger,
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which I love, and then comment
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negatively about you ordering this
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salad. That's what we're talking about
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here. people who observe you doing
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something to improve your life or
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observe your life improving in some way
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and they need to make a negative out of
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it. The third thing is they devalue the
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people who make you happy. And this is
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really hard because a lot of times it's
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when you finally are showing up really
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healthy in a healthy relationship and
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they're not. So, they might say, "I
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don't see what you see in her." Or,
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"He's not really your type." Or, "I just
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don't find her attractive." That's all.
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It's said casually, but it's not always
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casual.
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The fourth thing, they invite you back
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into who you used to be. Remember when
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we used to? Come on, one night won't
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kill you. You used to be fun.
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That isn't nostalgia. It's recruitment.
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You've grown
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and they haven't and they don't want you
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to outgrow them. The fifth thing, the
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one that tells you everything,
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how you feel afterward, if you leave
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feeling smaller, tired in a way that
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doesn't make sense, if you're
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secondguessing a decision that you felt
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good about an hour ago, your body
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usually knows before your mind is ready
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to admit it. So listen to your body.
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Let's talk about why your happiness
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really bothers them. And here's what I
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want you to understand. Their comments
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aren't a map of your flaws. They're not
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true. They're a map of their discomfort.
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It's not personal. It's about them. When
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someone isn't happy in their own life,
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maybe their own relationship, maybe
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their own body, maybe their own choices,
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they're not proud of the choices they're
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making. Your happiness can feel like a
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mirror and not a kind one. Your growth
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says change is possible. And if change
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is possible, then they have to ask
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themselves why they aren't changing.
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It's much easier to put you back down
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than to climb themselves.
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There's also something quieter going on.
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Every relationship has unspoken rules
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and a role for each person. Maybe your
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role was the one who struggled, the one
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who needed advice, the one who made them
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feel like they had their life put
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together. And now you've done the work.
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Maybe you've gone to therapy or you've
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got a coach or whatever you're doing to
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improve your situation.
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When you heal, you stop playing your
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part.
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The author Harriet Learner wrote about
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this years ago.
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When one person in a system starts to
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change, the system pushes back. She
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called them change back reactions.
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People don't usually say change back.
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They say you've changed. They say it
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almost like you're it's a crime that
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you've changed. And this is why it
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matters so much. Research researchers
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have studied couples and their friends
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for decades. And relationships don't
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live in a vacuum. So, sociologist Diane
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Felmley has a paper whose title says it
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all. No couple is an island. When
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friends when friends approve of a
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relationship, it tends to last longer. A
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large metaanalysis found the same thing.
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How we believe our circle feels about
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our partner predicts whether the
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relationship survives.
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And a 16-year study of married couples
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found that the negative pieces of
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friendship disapproval interference
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predict a divorce more strongly than the
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supportive pieces protected against it.
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So when someone keeps chipping at the
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person you love, it isn't harmless
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venting.
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It's pressure.
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Slow, steady pressure. And it works on
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good people more often than we'd like to
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admit, including me. I've experienced
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this from both sides. I've experienced
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being the person that changed
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and getting that feedback like you've
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changed. But I've also been the partner
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of someone who is changing and who is
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evolving, who's gotten the push back.
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And I'll be honest with you, I'm
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watching a version of this right now
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close enough to my own life that I feel
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it. And knowing these statistics and
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knowing the what the research says makes
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it all the more unnerving. I'm not going
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to share the details. Some stories are
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protected precisely because we don't
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tell them. Um, it's a boundary and
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boundaries are part of this episode,
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too. But I want to tell you what it
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feels like.
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It is its own particular ache to watch
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someone you love do brave hard healing
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work and then watch other people who are
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supposed to be on their side pull at the
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threads of it every time
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they make a huge leap forward. And I'll
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tell you what I've had to learn. I can't
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outind someone's envy. I can't dress
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well enough or be pleasant enough or be
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patient enough to earn my way out of
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someone else's need to diminish me or
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the person I love. And neither can you.
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So why do many of us thoughtful,
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empathetic, educated people keep people
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like this in our inner circle for years?
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Here's what I see in my practice and in
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my own life.
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We were trained many times to keep the
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peace. Many of us grew up reading the
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room before we read a book. We learned
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that if we could anticipate someone's
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mood and manage it, we'd be safe.
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Trauma therapist Pete Walker called this
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the fawn response. Staying safe by
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pleasing. And a person who needs to be
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managed feels familiar. Familiar can
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feel a lot like home.
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We shape shift to keep other people
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comfortable. And think about it, they
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comment on your clothes, so you dress
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down around them. They roll their eyes
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at your good news, so you stop sharing
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it. They mock your therapy, so you stop
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mentioning it. Little by little, you're
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editing yourself, not because of who you
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are, because of what makes them
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uncomfortable. We confuse loyalty
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with endurance. We've been friends for
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20 years and that history is real and it
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matters. But the longevity isn't the
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same as safety. You're allowed to love
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someone's history and stop handing them
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your present.
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Think about that for a minute.
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Cuz healing isn't just insight. It's
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repetition. You're teaching your nervous
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system a new way to be more open, more
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confident, more you. And that takes
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practice in real life around real
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people. Now, picture someone who every
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week rewards the old version of you and
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punishes the new one.
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You try a new boundary, they call you
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cold. You wear the thing you feel
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beautiful in, they have a comment,
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you're happy, and they get a little
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meaner.
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Your body learns fast. It learns that
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growth is dangerous, that joy should be
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hidden, that the safest thing is to stay
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small.
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And then we wonder why the progress we
00:10:49.600 --> 00:10:51.829
make in therapy doesn't stick, why we
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feel so good on Tuesday and so shaky by
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Saturday or Sunday. It's not that you're
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failing at healing, it's that you're
00:11:00.320 --> 00:11:03.269
healing uphill.
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And many people blame this on themselves
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and say, "I'm just such a people
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pleaser."
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Well, the evidence
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that it's safe, unsafe to grow, is
00:11:14.560 --> 00:11:17.829
there. So yes, you are a people pleaser
00:11:17.839 --> 00:11:20.790
and you're trying to overcome that. But
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the people that you're surrounding
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yourself with, if they are these people,
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may be teaching you the very thing
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you're trying to tell yourself isn't
00:11:31.760 --> 00:11:34.389
true.
00:11:34.399 --> 00:11:36.310
So this doesn't mean you have to blow up
00:11:36.320 --> 00:11:38.630
every relationship to protect yourself.
00:11:38.640 --> 00:11:40.310
Some of these people are maybe
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co-workers. Some are family. Some you're
00:11:43.360 --> 00:11:44.949
going to see every week, whether you
00:11:44.959 --> 00:11:47.509
like it or not. So, here's what I would
00:11:47.519 --> 00:11:53.269
offer. Number one, trust the aftertaste.
00:11:53.279 --> 00:11:56.230
After you spend time with this person,
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pause. Check your body. Are you lighter
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or heavier? Clearer or confused? That's
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data. You don't have to argue with it.
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Number two, share your joy where it can
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be held with people who can hold it. Not
00:12:12.399 --> 00:12:14.230
everyone gets a front row seat to your
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good news. That isn't secrecy, it's
00:12:16.880 --> 00:12:19.509
discernment. Take your wins to the
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people who are glad for you. Keep
00:12:21.440 --> 00:12:23.269
conversations with this person on the
00:12:23.279 --> 00:12:25.269
surface.
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Three, stop defending what they
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criticize. You don't owe anyone a
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defense of your happiness. When they
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come at your outfit, your partner, your
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choices, try something short and warm
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and unbothered. Huh, I really like it.
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I'm really happy. That's not my
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experience. And then change the subject.
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No explaining, no justifying. The more
00:12:50.399 --> 00:12:52.710
you defend, the more ground you're
00:12:52.720 --> 00:12:54.150
handing them. I know that's
00:12:54.160 --> 00:12:56.470
counterintuitive. You want to defend
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your partner. You want to defend what
00:12:58.000 --> 00:13:02.389
you're wearing. No. Number four,
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rightsize the relationship. Not every
00:13:04.959 --> 00:13:07.110
friendship has to end, but some need to
00:13:07.120 --> 00:13:11.350
shrink. Less time, less access, fewer of
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the tender things. You get to decide how
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much of you they receive. Five. And this
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is for the woman whose partner has this
00:13:22.160 --> 00:13:25.750
friend. Don't make him choose. That
00:13:25.760 --> 00:13:27.750
usually backfires and it puts you in the
00:13:27.760 --> 00:13:29.509
role the friend already wants to cast
00:13:29.519 --> 00:13:33.750
you in. Say what you see once with love.
00:13:33.760 --> 00:13:35.910
Something like, "I've noticed that when
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you come back from time with him, you
00:13:37.760 --> 00:13:39.910
seem harder on yourself. Just want you
00:13:39.920 --> 00:13:42.710
to know that I see it and I see how far
00:13:42.720 --> 00:13:47.750
you've come." Then trust him or her to
00:13:47.760 --> 00:13:49.590
do their own work.
00:13:49.600 --> 00:13:51.829
Protect your relationship with the two
00:13:51.839 --> 00:13:54.629
of you, your agreements, your time
00:13:54.639 --> 00:13:57.269
together, your own words about who you
00:13:57.279 --> 00:14:00.310
are to each other. And please stop
00:14:00.320 --> 00:14:02.949
trying to win that person over. His
00:14:02.959 --> 00:14:05.590
approval was never the goal. Your peace
00:14:05.600 --> 00:14:07.590
is.
00:14:07.600 --> 00:14:09.750
Number six, build the circle that roots
00:14:09.760 --> 00:14:11.829
for you. Remember the research, the
00:14:11.839 --> 00:14:14.310
people around you shape what feels
00:14:14.320 --> 00:14:17.269
possible. So, be intentional about who's
00:14:17.279 --> 00:14:19.350
in the room when you're becoming who
00:14:19.360 --> 00:14:22.069
you're meant to be.
00:14:22.079 --> 00:14:26.230
Find your people. It's okay to rethink
00:14:26.240 --> 00:14:28.629
who your people are at any point in your
00:14:28.639 --> 00:14:30.790
life. So, here's what I want to leave
00:14:30.800 --> 00:14:33.509
you with. Your happiness is not a
00:14:33.519 --> 00:14:35.750
provocation. Your growth is not
00:14:35.760 --> 00:14:38.629
betrayal. And the people who love you
00:14:38.639 --> 00:14:41.910
well will be glad, not threatened, when
00:14:41.920 --> 00:14:44.069
you finally take up the space that has
00:14:44.079 --> 00:14:47.829
always been yours to take up. If you're
00:14:47.839 --> 00:14:49.430
realizing how much of yourself you've
00:14:49.440 --> 00:14:51.110
been editing to keep someone else
00:14:51.120 --> 00:14:53.670
comfortable, that's a lot of the work I
00:14:53.680 --> 00:14:56.470
do with men and women in coaching. The
00:14:56.480 --> 00:14:58.870
doors open at the loomlife.com coaching
00:14:58.880 --> 00:15:01.590
whenever you're ready. I'll be bringing
00:15:01.600 --> 00:15:03.350
more content like this here to this
00:15:03.360 --> 00:15:06.310
space, so subscribe. I'm Lesie Matthews.
00:15:06.320 --> 00:15:07.750
Thank you for pulling this thread with
00:15:07.760 --> 00:15:10.760
me.