Stop Negotiating With Red Flags

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Hey, y'all, welcome back to Pretty Pretty Chronicles, the podcast
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where we have the conversations that make you pause the episode,
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stare out the window and ask yourself, now, why did
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I do that? If you're new here, welcome, I am
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so glad you're here. Go ahead and get comfortable. Grab
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your coffee, your tea, your water, your journal, or whatever
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helps you process like because today's conversation, listen, it's gonna
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make all of us reflect, including me. My name is
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Elizabeth annow Malay. Today's episode is called stop Negotiating with
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Red Flags. Now, if you've been following me for a
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little minute or from the beginning, you will recall on
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February tenth of last year, I did an episode title
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no More red Flags. If you haven't heard it, go
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ahead and listen after this episode. Okay, but can we
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just sit with that title for a second, because if
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we're honest, most of us, shall we haven't missed the
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red flags? We negotiated with them? Right, There is a
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huge difference. We saw them, we noticed them. We even
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talked to our friends about them, We prayed about them,
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journals about them. Shall we even google them? We asked
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chat gpt about them. And then we stayed. Anyway, let's
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tell the truth boom, because see, I don't think most
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people struggle with seeing red flags. I think we struggle
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with belief them because believing them requires action, right, Believing
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them means walking away. Believing them means changing our plans.
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Believing them means accepting that what we hoped for may
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not actually be what's best for us than bad. To
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look that part is hard because sometimes the red flag
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is attached to someone we really like, right. Sometimes it's
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attached to an opportunity that we prayed for. Sometimes it's
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attached to family, to church, or to a friendship chiad.
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Sometimes it's even attached to a dream. So instead of
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accepting what we're seeing, we start negotiating, Like, maybe I misunderstood.
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Maybe they're just having a bad day. Maybe they're under
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a lot of stress or a lot of pressure. Maybe
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that's just how they communicate. Nobody's perfect. They didn't mean it.
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I should give them an their chance. Oh I don't
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want to judge too quickly. Yeah, can I say something, honey,
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Grace is beautiful, not even see though is expensive. There's
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the difference. Now, don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying people
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don't deserve grace. They absolutely do. I'm saying that grace
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was never supposed to replace discernment. Somewhere along the way,
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we started confusing discernment with being judgmental, and they're not
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the same thing. Discernment says I'm paying attention. Judgment says
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I'm condemning you. Those are two completely different things. Now
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let's ask the question, what exactly is a red flag? Right?
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A red flag is information. That's it. It's information. It
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doesn't always mean the relationship is over. It doesn't always
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mean the opportunity is bad. It doesn't automatically mean the
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person is evil. It means pay attention, gather more information,
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slow down, don't ignore this. But what do we do?
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We speed up, we explain it away, we romanticize it,
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we spiritualize it, we minimize it, and then months, childs,
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sometimes years later, we're crying over consequences that started as
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tiny warning signs. Now here's where it's about to get spicy,
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because I love a little spice. Can I tell you something?
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Chemistry has talked more people out of common sense than
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almost anything else. Did you hear Did you hear what
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I said? Chemistry charm, charisma, good looks, confidence, talent, potential.
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Those things have convinced people to ignore warning signs they
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would have noticed immediately and someone they were not attracted to.
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We honest here, ray. If somebody you weren't interested in
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constantly ignore your boundaries, you call it would disrespect, But
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when it's somebody you like mm, you call it mixed signals.
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If someone you weren't attracted to constantly cancel plans, you
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call them inconsistent, but when you really want the relationship,
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you call them busy. Girl. Let me tell you something.
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I've never been in cheek because I pick up on
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stuff too quickly, like it's not gonna be so many
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times where you cancel like plans immediately or don't show up, baby,
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don't show up if y'all want to blocked. But do
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you see how that works? Our emotions become negotiators, and
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our emotions are some terrible attorneys. They'll defend things that
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common sense already convicted. M Let's just talk about potential.
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They get y'all in a lot of trouble because I
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think potential has caused people more than reality ever had.
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Some of y'all didn't date who they were you dated
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who you imagined they could become right? You married potential,
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you hired potential. You stated jobs because of potential. You
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say it in churches because of what potential. You stayed
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in friendships because of the potential. You invested years into potential.
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And potential is dangerous because it's imaginary. Patterns are real. Right,
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Potential lives in tomorrow, but patterns live in today. Potential
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says they could become amazing. The pattern says, this is
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who they consistently are. Child and wisdom always pays attention
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to patterns. Can I ask y'all something, When was the
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first time your spirits said, hmmm, do you remember, you know,
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that first conversation, at first joke that didn't sit right,
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that first lie, that first time they miss your feelings,
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That first time they spoke to you disrespectfully. What about
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the first time they broke your trust or made you
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feel small, made your stomach tightened? Uh huh? That first
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moment when your peace quietly whispered, something isn't right, baby.
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That's the moment, not to sense offense, not the breakup,
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not the betrayal, not the public embarrassment. The first whisper
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because Discernment usually does what it whispers before the consequences scream.
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Somebody writes that damn child, Discernment whispers before your consequence
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is screamed. The problem is, though we live in a
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loud world, right, The baby's social media is loud. Everybody
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got an opinion and those are loud. Loneliness is loud,
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Fear is loud, our words desires are loud. So we
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ignore the whisper. And when we ignore whispers long enough,
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life of you know, life eventually starts yelling. Can I
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be transparent? One of the hardest lessons I've learned is
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this just because I prayed about it doesn't mean I
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should ignore what God already showed me. Show some worry.
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I'm talking to myself right now, because sometimes we keep
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asking God for another sign and another sign and another sign,
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while he's saying I already gave you five. You prayed
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for discernment, then you ignored it. You pray for wisdom,
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then you explained it away. You pray for clarity, then
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you kept negotiating. Right, and God is saying, my daughter,
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my son, I answered your prayer the first time you
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felt uneasy, oof, y'all, that's hard especially for believers, because
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sometimes we have behind spiritual right. We say, hmm, I'm
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just believing the best. I'm just walking by faith, I'm
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just extending grace and chaall. Maybe you are, or maybe
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you're afraid to accept what you're seeing because accepting requires
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a decision right, and decisions are hard. Walking away is hard,
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starting over is hard, Being alone is hard. Changing churches
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is hard, Leaving jobs, ending friendships, breaking engagements, canceling plans.
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They're all hard. So instead we negotiate. We feel ourselves
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a child. One moment, one more conversation, Just give them
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one more chance, one more apology, one more promise, one
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more sign, and sometimes one more chance. Oh lord, it
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becomes five more years. M mm hmm. So of course
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you know we are listening to Porch Vibes. If you
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go to YouTube google him, he is amazing. He always
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keeps it going, which is what we're about to do.
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We're gonna keep it going. Okay, we're now, we're next up.
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We're gonna talk about why loneliness has convinced people to
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tolerate things love never would, why desperation distorts discernment, and
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why the most expensive thing you'll ever ignore is your
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own intuition. Okay, I think we're getting to the heart
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of the issue. Okay. The problem isn't always that we
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don't recognize red flags. Sometimes we're just afraid of what
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recognizes them will require, because acknowledging a red flag means
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that something has to change, and we don't like change.
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Change is uncomfortable. So let's ask an honest question today.
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Why do intelligent people ignore obvious warning signs? Seriously? Why
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why do smart people, educated people, successful people, praying people
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still negotiate with behaviors they know isn't healthy. I don't
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think it's because they're foolish. I really think it's just
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because they're human. And one of the biggest reasons we
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negotiate with red flags is due to loneliness. Can we
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talk about it? Because loneliness, baby will convince you to
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lower your standards. She never plans on lower rain gup.
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Loneliness will whisper at least somebody, won't you. Maybe you're
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expecting too much. Nobody's perfect. What if you never finds
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anybody else? Maybe this is just how relationships are. Girl.
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Loneliness is a cerebra life coach. It gives horrible advice
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because loneliness it doesn't want what's healthy. It wants, babe,
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it once what's available. There's a differen thing that Love says,
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wait for what's healthy. Loneliness says, untake what's here? M hm.
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Love says you deserve consistency. Loneliness says, at least they're
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trying girls. Love says, say attention to the pattern. Loneliness says,
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gives them another chance. Why can I tell you something?
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Being alone and being lonely m m. Those are not synonymous.
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They are not the same thing, Babe. There are some
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people that are in relationships and they are lone ly.
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What was that so lonely? I'm so lonely. Some people
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are surrounded by friends and they are what lonely? Honey?
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Some people sit in church every Sunday and they still lonely.
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Because loneliness isn't about who is around you. It's about
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whether you feel seen, whether you feel valued, whether you
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feel emotionally safe and baby, if somebody constantly makes you
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question your words, honey, their presence is and solving your
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loneliness is deeping it. Let's talk about fear, though, because
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you know fear negotiates also fear says, what if this
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is the best you'll ever get? Girl, that's not true.
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I need you to up your self esteem. Okay, have
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y'all ever heard that voice? Though? What if nobody else comes?
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What if you're too old? What if you start over
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and regretted? What if you're asking for too much? Fear
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is a liar because fear always asks what if about
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the worst case scenario? But faith, faith asks what if
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God has something better? Mm hmm. Let's talk about another negotiator.
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Potential just talks about that right. Potential has broken more
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hearts than reality. Because potential lets us imagine a future
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that hasn't happened yet. We start dating possibilities, not patterns.
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We say, I know they're inconsistent now, but they could
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become consistent. Ooh, that's a lie and the truth ain't
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in it. Okay, I know they're emotionally unavailable now, but
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they could open up. It's a lie. I know they
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don't communicate now, but maybe after marriage. No, big noe.
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I know they don't respect my boundaries now, but maybe
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after counseling. Girl, No, they're not maybe maybe maybe can
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I lovingly tell you something? Potential is not a promise. Okay,
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it's a possibility, but that's it. Possibilities don't pay emotional bills,
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but patterns do. Okay, some of us have spent years
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investing in who somebody could become, while ignoring who they
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repeatedly showed us they already. I was watching I don't
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even know what show I was watching, but the girl
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the I think it was nat Day fiance who knows, y'all,
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But the girl said they were having problems in their marriage,
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their relationship, what have you? And this girl said, this
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woman fixed her lips to say, well, we just need
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to have a baby. A baby is gonna fix everything. When,
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if anything, all that's gonna happen is your issues are
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going to intensify. Oh my god, y'all, don't be that person.
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Here's what's about to get uncomfortable. Sometimes, y'all not even
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in love. You're just attached. Did I say that correctly?
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Sometimes you're not in love, you are just attached. So
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let's define the difference. Okay. Love is rooted in reality,
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all right. Attachment is rooted in fear. Okay, Love says
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I appreciate who you are. Attachment says I don't know
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who I be without you. Love says I choose you.
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The attachment says I need you. M Those are very different.
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Because healthy love allows freedom. Unhealthy attachment creates desperation, and
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desperation has terrible eyesight. It can't see red flags correctly
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or clearly. You know why. That's because desperation is focused
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on avoiding loss and not evaluating health. Let's just bring
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this into friendships, because child red flags don't just show
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up in dating. They show up in friendships too. You
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know you always had that one friend, the one that
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all the calls when they need something red flag. The
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friend who celebrates everybody else because quiet when something good
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happen to see you red flag. The friend who constantly
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competes instead of collaborates red flag. The friends who make
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little jokes at your expense and then says, you know,
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I'm just playing girl booms red flag. The friends who
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always has a crisis but somehow disappears when you're hurting.
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Red flag. And what do we say? Oh, that's just
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how they are exactly. You finally said something true. That
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is how they are. Now the question becomes what are
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you going to do with that information? Because maturity isn't
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just seeing behavior, it's responding appropriately. Let's go to the
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workplace for a minute. Because careers have red flags. Two,
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you interview for a position, the interviewer interrupts you repeatedly, reflag.
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The company has an extremely high turnover rate hi ISD.
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Red flag. Current employees look exhausted hid red flag. They
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promised work life balance hi ISD. But everyone answers emails
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at midnight? Red flag And what do we say? Maybe
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it'll be different for me, girl? Why why would it
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be different for you? If the culture hasn't changed. Girl.
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You know, hope is real cute, it's real beautiful, it's amazing, right,
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but delusion is expensive. We could even, you know, bring
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this to the church. Okay, you visit the church. Nobody's accountable. Reflag.
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Leadership cannot receive feedback. Red flag. Everything revolves around one personality.
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Red flag. Baby. Let me say something. If you cannot
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go to church, and if the past are not far,
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the other ministers are pol red flag. I have been
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to two churches within the past twenty something years, and
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that is Willa Avenue Baptist Church, my current church and
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Friendship Points Baptist Church in Dallas. Let me tell you something.
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When I visited Friendship Boys when I was living in Dallas.
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It was summertime and at that time the pastor, Pastor
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Freddie Haynes, who I'm really hoping is going to be
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their next congressman. But Pastor Haines was on summer break. Okay,
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the whole summer. But let me tell you something that
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kept bringing me big. It was the ministers that were
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that were there because they were amazing. Right, you have
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to go to a church where they are not just
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dependent on the pastor. If the if the ministerial staff
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can't preach, babe bye, red flag. That is a huge
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red flag for me because why why what are you
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guys doing when he's not preaching? Why are you not
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why are you not practicing your craft or this calling
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that you claim that God gave you? Hello? So again
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red flag questions if they're discouraged in the church. Red flag.
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And because everybody's shouting, we assume everything must be healthy. Please,
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can I tell you something? Excitement is not evidence of
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health because you know, down at the Lilla Grove Missionary
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Baptist Church, I don't care who says it, they shot
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a lot over there. But girl, red flag that pasta
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is so so so much of a male show, and
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it's just not even funny. Child. But you know, people
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see things in their own time. But again, red flag. Okay,
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Charisma is not evidence of character, and an emotional experience
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is not always confirmation. Okay. Discernment asks questions, Wisdom observes patterns.
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Now here's one of the biggest lessons God has taught me.
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I can only speak for myself. Your peace notices things
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before your mind accepts them. Have y'all ever walked into
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a room and just immediately feel uncomfortable? Baby, I will
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turn around. I'm not gonna say nobody. You know, nobody
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said anything. Nothing obvious happened, but something inside you said, ooh,
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this don't feel right. In months later, everything you sensed
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became visible. This happened to me more than once. That's
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why I listened to my discernment, because discernment often arrives quietly.
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It doesn't scream, It nudges you, okay, it whispers, It pauses,
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And if we would just slow down long enough to listen,
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we'd avoid a lot of unnecessary heartbreak. I know my cousins,
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my guy cousins, they would always ask me, Liz, why
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you keep breaking up with these dukes because by my
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discernment is strong and I could tell they ain't sugar, Honey.
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I see, I don't care how long we've been together.
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If I could tell, that's something, I write our chunk.
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The deuce is up and keep it moving because it
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it's happened to me so many times. Right, how many
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times have you said I knew it after everything fell apart? Hello,
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It's because your intuition wasn't absent, it was just ignored.
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And that's it is a huge difference. I need everybody
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to take a deep breath before we get into this
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next part, honey, because this section, this is where we're
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about to stop making excuses, not just for other people
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before ourselves. Okay, uh, let me ask you a question
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real quick. Have you ever looked back at a relationship,
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a friendship, a job, or even a church and thought,
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oh my god, why did I say so long? Not
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because you didn't know, but because you knew and you
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stayed anyway? Oofcho Am I knocking in somebody's friend door,
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because that's a different kind of reflection. Hindsight has a
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way of making everything obvious. Right now, we see the manipulation,
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the inconsistency that its respects the excuse, says the pattern.
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But in the moment we negotiated, let's talk about one
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of the biggest lives we've ever believed. I can fix
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them lies. Somebody just got uncomfortable, right, Because, if you're honest,
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a lot of us weren't looking for a relationship. We
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were looking for a renovation project. This is not HGCV.
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We thought our love would heal them, our loyalty would
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change them, our consistency would inspire them, our patience would
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transform them. But girl, that's not your assignment. Okay, you
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were called to love people. You are not called to
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be Bob the Builder and rebuild people who have absolutely
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no interest in doing their own work. Did you hear me?
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There's a difference in that. And let me tell let
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me tell you why this is dangerous because when you
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believe it's your responsibility to fix somebody, you stop evaluating
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whether the relationship is healthy. Instead, you become consumed with
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helping them become healthy. Now, now, baby, your entire relationship
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revolves around potential, not reality. Can I tell you something
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to change my life? Love does not create character, it
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reveals it. A healthy person may become healthier in a
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loving relationship, but an unhealthy person often brings their unhealthy
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habits into the relationship. Love is not africadappor. It is
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not magic. It does not erase emotional immaturity. It doesn't
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automatically produce accountability. It doesn't suddenly create integrity, honey. Cancer
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is a choice, healing is a choice. Growth is even
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a choice, and everybody is not choosing it. Let's talk
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about consistency, y'all, because consistency is one of the greatest
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indicators of character. Not grand gestures that means nothing, not
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these cute, little pretty speeches, not these emotional apologies. Consistency.
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Anybody could have one good day. Anybody could say the
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right thing once right. They could promise to change, they
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can cry, they could buy flowers. Quote scripture, honey, the
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devil in the Bible, say the devil because he knew scripturable.
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Anybody could pose inspirational messages. But who are they consistently
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because that's who you're actually building a life with, right,
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Not the person you meet on their best day, the
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person they repeatedly show themselves to be. You know, I
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like a little spicy, so let's get a little spicy. Okay,
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stop confusing charisma with character. Do y'all even know what
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that means. Some people are incredibly charming, Okay. They know
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exactly what to say, when to say it, how to
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say it. They know exactly how to make you laugh,
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how to make you feel special. They know exactly when
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to text and what and when to apologize, babe, they
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know exactly when to show up. But charm is a skill.
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I was catching up on the New bel Air, right,
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I think I'm now I'm finally on season three. But
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Carlton he was up for some awards, some little award
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that the faculty had to give him, right, and he
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just broke down and was like, you know what, I
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have fooled everybody? He said, I know how to charm people.
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I know how to get my way, I know exactly
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you know how to make things believable. That's because he
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had charm. It's a skill. He had charm show character
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is a lifestyle, though those are completely different, two different things.
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Some of the most charismatic people you'll ever meet lack integrity.
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M some of the quietest people you'll ever meet are
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deeply trustworthy. So excuse me, so stop leaking confidence blind
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you to consistency. Let's talk about something that's the it's
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gonna step on some toes. Stop interviewing people after you've
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already hired them. I'm gonna explain. Okay, let me explain.
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Some of us make these permanent decisions based on temporary impressions.
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We decide that they're trustworthy because trust has been built
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before it's been built. Excuse me. We decide that they're
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safe before safety has been demonstrated. We decide that they're
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quote unquote the one before. We've seen how they handle conflicts,
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how they handle disappointment, how they treat people who can't
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do anything for them. That's a big one for me.
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How they respond when they're corrected. Baby, slow down. Okay.
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Discernment requires time. Time reveals what chemistry hides right. Time
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reveals what attraction overlooks. It reveals what excitement ignores. That's
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why rushing is so dangerous. Okay. Let's that brings us
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to excuses, Okay, cause you know we're creative. Well, they
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had an urd childhood, that's what you tell them. They've
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been hurt before. Oh, they're under a lot of stress.
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They're not used to healthy relationships. Girl, Well, this ain't
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gonna be the one. Okay, they're still healing. Heal over there,
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Can I lovingly tell you something. Those things may explain behavior,
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but they don't excuse it. If you recall, well, it
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wasn't out here but on TikTok when I in June
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last month, I explained the story of a child, Hispanish child.
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I'm gonna be nice. Oh, I was about to say something,
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thank you, hollyghoes. Oh the Lord will really stop you
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from saying some stuff. Anyway, This this is spanding boy.
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And he was talking about some of the black kids
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in the class, calling the monkey. And when I reprimanded
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him and flustered him and corrected him, he crunched up
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the calculator and then proceeded to punch the TV and
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then go punch the wile outside like that was gonna
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do something. Uh. The ap, one of the aps, decided
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to tell me the next day that he was going
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to apologize because I had kicked him out, because like,
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why are you here and why have they not suspended you? Anyway,
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the lady tried to make excuses for him and said,
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because he sped, the baby wouldn't sped if he was
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you need paperwork on him, and he say, don't y'all
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need to invistigate that down at the Welchri Middle School.
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But I'm gonna be you know, I'm gonna keep it moving.
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He wasn't a child, didn't there was no paperwork on
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the child. Okay, it behave does not excuse anything, right,
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and explanation is not an exemption. Okay, you can explain
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stuff all day, but that means absolutely nothing. Someone's trauma
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may explain why they struggle with communication, for sure, but
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it doesn't make harmful communication healthy. Hello. Someone's past may
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explain their trust issues, but it doesn't make controlling behavior acceptable.
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Someone's wounds may explain why they're emotionally unavailable, but it
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does not mean you have to wait indefinitely while they
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decide whether they want to heal or not. Girl, miss me.
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With all of that compassion says I understand, wisdom says
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I still need boundaries. Both can exist at the same time.
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Now here's another one. Stop mistaking inconsistency for mystery, because
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they're not mysterious, they're inconsistent. There's the difference. If somebody
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only calls when it's convenience, that's information. If somebody only
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treats you well when they need something. That's information. If
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somebody repeatedly says one thing and does another information, quit
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trying to decode what has already been made clear. Okay,
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can I give you one of the biggest lessons I've
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learned too? Confusion is often information. Healthy relationships don't leave
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you constantly confused. Healthy friendships don't keep you guessing where
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you stand, honey. Healthy leadership doesn't require you to read
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between the lines all the time either. Healthy communication brings clarity,
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not constant uncertainty. I just want to ask you one
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final question before we leave this segment. What if the
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red flag isn't that you didn't know? What if the
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red flag is that you keep convincing yourself to ignore
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what you already now oof, Because that's where real growth begins,
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not just seeing unhealthy behavior in other people, but asking ourselves.
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Why do I keep negotiating with it? Why do I
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keep giving discounts to people who keep raising the price
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of my peace? Why do I keep explaining behavior that
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keeps hurting me shout? Why do I keep asking God
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for confirmation after He's already given me discernments? Maybe, just
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maybe the next level of your healing isn't learning to
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recognize flags? Baby? Maybe who is finally believing them? Before
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anybody cuts this episode off, before somebody says, Elizabeth, you
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were doing so good until now. I just need you
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to stay with me because this next part isn't about shame,
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It's about growth. Excuse me. We have spent the last
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few minutes talking about everybody else's red flags. But can
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I ask you something? What if the biggest red flag
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in your life isn't another person? What if it's the
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version of you that keeps accepting less than you deserve.
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If you can't say amen, just say out, child, because
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we're gonna go there. Okay. One thing I've learned is this,
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patterns don't just reveal other people, they reveal us. Okay,
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hear me carefully. I'm never gonna blame someone for hurting you,
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like at all. People are responsible for their own choices.
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But I do believe it's healthy to ask ourselves why
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did I stay? Not to beat ourselves up, not to
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carry shame, but so we don't repeat those same actions,
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right Because healing asks different questions, and maturity asked why
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they liked it. Healing eventually asked, why did I keep
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convincing myself? It was okay, those are two completely different conversations. Okay,
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So sometimes if we're gonna tell the truth, we confuse
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loyalty with self abandonment. Baby, we were loyalty like a
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badge of honor. I never gave up. I stayed. I
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thought I kept believing girl, at what costs? So at
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what cost did you keep proving your loyalty? Your peace,
462
00:34:53.599 --> 00:34:58.360
your confidence, your joy, your self respects, your mental health.
463
00:34:58.880 --> 00:35:06.320
Because loyalty without wisdom becomes captivity. Sure, hm, loyalty without
464
00:35:06.400 --> 00:35:10.920
wisdom becomes captivity. Baby, God never called you to stay
465
00:35:10.960 --> 00:35:16.000
loyal to dysfunction? Did you hear me? We gonna talk
466
00:35:16.000 --> 00:35:18.760
about another red flag, ignoring your own that needs a
467
00:35:18.800 --> 00:35:21.199
lot of y'all are like that. Some of y'all know
468
00:35:21.320 --> 00:35:24.960
everybody else's love language, but don't know your own. You
469
00:35:25.039 --> 00:35:28.360
know everybody else's favorite restaurant, but you haven't even asked
470
00:35:28.360 --> 00:35:32.840
yourself or brings you joy. You know everybody else's schedule,
471
00:35:33.679 --> 00:35:40.159
but you haven't rested in months. You know everybody else's dreams,
472
00:35:40.440 --> 00:35:44.400
but you have stopped pursuing your own. And I'm gonna
473
00:35:44.480 --> 00:35:48.719
lovingly tell you something when you constantly disappear in your
474
00:35:48.800 --> 00:35:53.960
own life, baby, that is the red flag because you
475
00:35:54.000 --> 00:35:58.039
were never created to be a supporting character in everybody
476
00:35:58.079 --> 00:36:02.480
else's story. God placed all of us on this earth
477
00:36:02.559 --> 00:36:06.960
because we each have purpose as well. Okay, you have
478
00:36:07.119 --> 00:36:14.239
dreams too, You have boundaries. Here's another one. Stop confusing
479
00:36:14.400 --> 00:36:20.199
over explaining with communication. Can we talk? Some of us
480
00:36:20.239 --> 00:36:23.639
explain ourselves. Oh my god, you explain yourself too much
481
00:36:23.880 --> 00:36:26.800
because we're afraid somebody won't to prove you don't say
482
00:36:26.800 --> 00:36:30.840
I'm unavailable. You keep it going. You say I'm unavailable
483
00:36:30.840 --> 00:36:34.679
because well, ad long week, and I promise my cousin this,
484
00:36:34.800 --> 00:36:39.559
and I wasn't feeling well in girl. No, no, doesn't
485
00:36:39.599 --> 00:36:43.400
require a dissertation. Okay. Healthy adults don't need a tempage
486
00:36:43.559 --> 00:36:46.400
essay every time you set a boundary. So don't get
487
00:36:46.400 --> 00:36:50.840
me wrong. Now, there is nothing wrong with communicating kindly.
488
00:36:51.119 --> 00:36:54.639
But some of us aren't communicating. We're seeking permission. We
489
00:36:54.760 --> 00:36:59.960
are hoping if we explain enough, people won't be disappointed.
490
00:37:01.559 --> 00:37:04.840
Can I free you real quick? Some people are just
491
00:37:04.880 --> 00:37:08.440
going to be disappointed no matter how beautifully you explain yourself. Okay,
492
00:37:09.599 --> 00:37:14.639
and that's okay. Here's let's just talk about self, self
493
00:37:14.639 --> 00:37:16.960
worfe I'm not even gonna sugar cut it. Let's do that,
494
00:37:17.000 --> 00:37:20.960
because this is where everything starts. If you don't believe
495
00:37:20.960 --> 00:37:24.360
that you're worthy of honesty, you will always tolerate lies.
496
00:37:26.079 --> 00:37:30.320
If you don't believe you're worthy of consistency, you will
497
00:37:30.440 --> 00:37:36.039
normalize in consistency. If you don't believe you're worthy of respect,
498
00:37:36.079 --> 00:37:40.159
you'll excuse disrespect every single time. If you don't believe
499
00:37:40.199 --> 00:37:44.119
you're worthy of healthy love, you'll settle for attention or
500
00:37:44.159 --> 00:37:47.039
anything for that matter. And maybe attention and love are
501
00:37:47.079 --> 00:37:51.920
not synonymous. Attention says I notice you, Love says I
502
00:37:52.320 --> 00:37:59.800
value you. Attention comes and goes, but love is consistent.
503
00:38:01.000 --> 00:38:05.480
Here's one thing that changed my life. Stop interviewing yourself
504
00:38:05.480 --> 00:38:09.360
for a position you've already earned. Some of y'all spend
505
00:38:09.400 --> 00:38:12.280
so much time trying to convince people you're worthy, that
506
00:38:12.360 --> 00:38:15.679
you forget your worth wasn't created by their opinions. You're
507
00:38:15.760 --> 00:38:18.599
constantly auditioning, trying to be enough, trying to be prettier,
508
00:38:18.920 --> 00:38:22.960
trying to be smarter, more successful, more spiritual, more understanding,
509
00:38:23.119 --> 00:38:27.519
more patient, more available, honey, trying to become everything somebody
510
00:38:27.559 --> 00:38:33.280
else wants. Meanwhile, God already calls you enough, So why
511
00:38:33.320 --> 00:38:35.559
are you competing for a position Heaven already gave you?
512
00:38:38.320 --> 00:38:42.679
Can I tell y'all something about intuition. It's not your enemy.
513
00:38:42.840 --> 00:38:48.239
Your intuition is always fear. Sometimes it's wisdom. Now, Yes,
514
00:38:49.280 --> 00:38:52.760
we should test our feelings and not assume every uneasy
515
00:38:52.800 --> 00:38:56.360
feeling is a message from God. But we also shouldn't
516
00:38:56.400 --> 00:39:05.400
dismiss every uneasy feeling either. If your spirit consistently feels unsettled, pause,
517
00:39:06.880 --> 00:39:10.920
you better ask questions, observe, pray, pray the mold, pray,
518
00:39:11.039 --> 00:39:15.599
or seek wise. It's counsel because discermon isn't panic. It's
519
00:39:15.679 --> 00:39:19.000
paying attention. Here's the phrase, I want you to remember
520
00:39:19.000 --> 00:39:27.199
you ready? You sure? Okay? Peace is expensive? Three whites?
521
00:39:28.000 --> 00:39:33.599
It is. It costs people, It costs opportunities, invitations, comfort, familiarity.
522
00:39:33.639 --> 00:39:38.039
But baby, look, it's worth ever repenny because once you've
523
00:39:38.039 --> 00:39:41.880
experienced genuine peace, it's hard to return to constant confusion
524
00:39:42.480 --> 00:39:46.079
and Honey, If every interaction with someone leaves you anxious, drains,
525
00:39:46.599 --> 00:39:51.440
questioning yourself, walking on eggshells, constantly overthinking, that is not
526
00:39:51.719 --> 00:39:58.519
a relationship problem. That's information. Healthy relationships should challenge you sometimes,
527
00:39:59.320 --> 00:40:05.119
but they should did not constantly exhaust you. Before we end,
528
00:40:06.920 --> 00:40:09.800
I'm gonna just ask you one final question. I want
529
00:40:09.840 --> 00:40:13.039
you to imagine your younger self is sitting across from you,
530
00:40:14.400 --> 00:40:16.440
the younger version of you, who didn't know what you
531
00:40:16.599 --> 00:40:20.559
know now, right, the younger version who believes every promise,
532
00:40:21.280 --> 00:40:27.800
who gave everybody another chance, who thought love could fix
533
00:40:27.880 --> 00:40:31.719
everything right? What would you tell her or what would
534
00:40:31.719 --> 00:40:35.400
you tell him? Would you sell her to ignore the
535
00:40:35.400 --> 00:40:40.159
warning signs? Would you tell him to keep shrinking himself,
536
00:40:41.880 --> 00:40:45.360
would you sell her to keep explaining away disrespects, or
537
00:40:46.199 --> 00:40:49.480
would you gently take their hand and say, my baby,
538
00:40:50.239 --> 00:40:52.320
believe what you see the first time and know what
539
00:40:52.360 --> 00:40:58.639
maya Angelus said, mm hm, trust your peace. You don't
540
00:40:58.639 --> 00:41:01.519
have to earn healthy love, don't have to convince people
541
00:41:01.559 --> 00:41:04.400
to value you. You don't have to negotiate with red
542
00:41:04.440 --> 00:41:08.599
flags just because you're afraid to start over. Maybe that
543
00:41:09.039 --> 00:41:13.079
is the conversation you need to have with yourself on today.
544
00:41:15.039 --> 00:41:17.559
So look out, excuse me. If you have made it
545
00:41:17.599 --> 00:41:20.760
to the ends, which is the right now, and if
546
00:41:20.760 --> 00:41:22.519
you've been with me from the beginning of this episode,
547
00:41:22.559 --> 00:41:26.639
I just hope one thing is becoming clear. This episode
548
00:41:26.719 --> 00:41:29.519
was never just about red flags. It was about self respect.
549
00:41:30.360 --> 00:41:36.800
It was about discernment, about courage, about finally believing what
550
00:41:36.920 --> 00:41:42.679
God has been trying to show you all along. One
551
00:41:42.719 --> 00:41:44.840
thing that I've learned, or what I've learned so far,
552
00:41:45.000 --> 00:41:49.960
is that one decision can change the entire direction of
553
00:41:50.000 --> 00:41:56.639
your life. One decision, one boundary, one no, one conversation,
554
00:41:56.760 --> 00:41:59.760
one act of obedience to one moment where you stop
555
00:42:00.000 --> 00:42:03.519
negotiating with what you know isn't healthy right, one moment
556
00:42:03.559 --> 00:42:07.440
where you finally choose peace over familiarity. One moment where
557
00:42:07.480 --> 00:42:10.639
you stop asking what if they change and just start asking, girl,
558
00:42:10.679 --> 00:42:13.920
what if I do? Hm that question right there? What
559
00:42:13.960 --> 00:42:18.480
if I change? Maybe the miracle you've been praying for
560
00:42:18.920 --> 00:42:23.440
isn't another chance with them. Maybe the miracle is becoming
561
00:42:23.480 --> 00:42:27.760
the version of yourself who no longer accepts what used
562
00:42:27.760 --> 00:42:35.039
to feel normal. Now, let's be honest. Walking away isn't easy, okay.
563
00:42:35.440 --> 00:42:41.719
Ending unhealthy friendships is not easy. Leaving unhealthy churches, jobs,
564
00:42:41.960 --> 00:42:47.719
relationships isn't easy because even unhealthy things can become familiar,
565
00:42:48.119 --> 00:42:52.440
and familiarity has a way of feeling safe even when
566
00:42:52.480 --> 00:42:58.679
it's hurting you. You always hear from. So let me
567
00:42:58.719 --> 00:43:03.320
go back. Uh. This past Tuesday, we always participate in
568
00:43:03.320 --> 00:43:06.960
our marriage ministry at the church, and we always have
569
00:43:07.079 --> 00:43:09.800
on first Tuesdays we have marriage a marriage ministry class
570
00:43:10.599 --> 00:43:17.199
and this class was hosted by our domestic violence Awareness
571
00:43:17.480 --> 00:43:20.719
group or ministry that we have the church, and that's
572
00:43:20.719 --> 00:43:22.599
one of the things that they touched on. You know,
573
00:43:22.599 --> 00:43:24.960
you always hear people say why she didn't leave, why
574
00:43:25.039 --> 00:43:27.639
you just sent up and lea girl, even though it's toxic.
575
00:43:27.679 --> 00:43:32.960
It's because it's familiar, right, That's what it is. Familiarity. Man,
576
00:43:32.960 --> 00:43:35.719
that could be that's a beast. Sometimes we don't say
577
00:43:35.719 --> 00:43:40.079
because we're happy. We say because we know what's to expect.
578
00:43:40.119 --> 00:43:44.440
We know the disappointment, we know the inconsistency, the chaos,
579
00:43:44.719 --> 00:43:49.360
and somehow predictable pain starts feeling safer than unfamiliar peace.
580
00:43:49.679 --> 00:43:52.119
That's what you tell yourself. But back look, God did
581
00:43:52.159 --> 00:43:55.360
not create you to survive chaos. He created you to
582
00:43:55.400 --> 00:43:58.679
live in wisdom. Right, here's something I want you to remember.
583
00:44:00.119 --> 00:44:05.400
Single season of your life requires a different version of you.
584
00:44:05.559 --> 00:44:09.159
I wish people will which would just understand that the
585
00:44:09.280 --> 00:44:12.880
version of you that tolerated confusion cannot go where clarity
586
00:44:13.039 --> 00:44:16.920
is taking you. Right, the version of you that settled
587
00:44:17.360 --> 00:44:22.039
cannot go where purpose is taking you. The version of
588
00:44:22.079 --> 00:44:26.599
you that accepted crumbs can't go where abundance is taking you.
589
00:44:26.960 --> 00:44:31.760
Sometimes God isn't changing your circumstances first, he's changing your standards,
590
00:44:32.719 --> 00:44:35.920
because y'all, when your standards change, your decisions change. When
591
00:44:36.000 --> 00:44:40.679
your decisions change, your life changes. Let's just on that
592
00:44:40.719 --> 00:44:43.519
real quick and talk about standards, because they're not arrogance,
593
00:44:43.559 --> 00:44:46.519
they're not pride. Standards are not thinking that you're better
594
00:44:46.559 --> 00:44:50.360
than everybody else. It's simply saying I've learned enough to
595
00:44:50.400 --> 00:44:55.320
stop repeating what broke me. That's wisdom. I have learned that.
596
00:44:55.360 --> 00:44:57.840
As you know, I just feel like it's the only
597
00:44:57.960 --> 00:45:02.119
daughter syndrome that I have. As the only daughter, I
598
00:45:02.440 --> 00:45:05.440
have really understood what my boundaries are and what my
599
00:45:05.480 --> 00:45:09.800
standards are. I learned that, like in high school, you
600
00:45:10.039 --> 00:45:13.280
just know what to expect or what to accept and
601
00:45:13.320 --> 00:45:16.480
what not to accept. Right, So this episode is not
602
00:45:16.559 --> 00:45:21.280
about becoming suspicious of everybody. It's not about assuming the worst.
603
00:45:21.519 --> 00:45:23.920
It's not about walking around looking for flaws. It's about
604
00:45:23.920 --> 00:45:29.880
slowing down long enough to pay attention. Because healthy people
605
00:45:30.000 --> 00:45:34.960
have flaws, they have mistakes, they have bad days. But
606
00:45:35.840 --> 00:45:39.960
healthy people also apologize. Let me tell you something. It's
607
00:45:40.000 --> 00:45:42.280
so simple, but that's one of the things that I
608
00:45:42.280 --> 00:45:44.119
would like be that will be a reflect for me.
609
00:45:44.119 --> 00:45:46.559
When I was dating baby, if you didn't apologize, I'd
610
00:45:46.559 --> 00:45:49.360
be like, oh heck, now you got to go. It's
611
00:45:49.360 --> 00:45:52.159
hard for you to apologize, baby, Deuce deuces, I'm a
612
00:45:52.360 --> 00:45:57.239
chunk to do something at you, cause what why? Healthy
613
00:45:57.239 --> 00:46:00.960
people have bad days, But again, they apologize, they take responsibility,
614
00:46:01.000 --> 00:46:06.239
they grow, repair, respect boundaries. They don't repeatedly ask you
615
00:46:06.320 --> 00:46:12.280
to sacrifice your peace just to maintain the relationship. That's
616
00:46:12.280 --> 00:46:15.920
the difference. Now let's go back to since and I
617
00:46:15.920 --> 00:46:20.920
said at the very beginning, a red flag is information,
618
00:46:21.199 --> 00:46:26.760
not condemnation. Literally information, information is a gift, and gifts
619
00:46:26.800 --> 00:46:31.159
are meant to be opened, not ignored. So the next
620
00:46:31.239 --> 00:46:36.840
time your spirit says hm, baby, you better pause. The
621
00:46:36.880 --> 00:46:41.360
next time your peace starts disappearing, pay attention. The next
622
00:46:41.360 --> 00:46:45.679
time somebody repeatedly shows you a pattern, believe it was
623
00:46:45.719 --> 00:46:47.559
in my intributes that when people show you who they
624
00:46:47.599 --> 00:46:51.760
are the first time, believe it. Not because people can't change,
625
00:46:51.920 --> 00:46:55.840
because they absolutely can, but change has evidence. Real change
626
00:46:55.840 --> 00:47:01.800
produces fruit. Real change produces consistency. It is announced, it's demonstrated,
627
00:47:01.840 --> 00:47:06.840
and honeylook until you see consistent change. Make decisions based
628
00:47:06.880 --> 00:47:15.760
on reality, not possibility, not you know, potential, but reality.
629
00:47:17.039 --> 00:47:19.159
I want to speak to the person listening who keeps
630
00:47:19.159 --> 00:47:24.440
blaming themselves, the person saying, oh, I should have known,
631
00:47:25.119 --> 00:47:28.519
I waste so much time. I can't believe I ignored all
632
00:47:28.559 --> 00:47:31.079
of that. I just want to encourage you real quick, kay,
633
00:47:32.000 --> 00:47:42.159
give yourself grace, simple, not excuses, but grace. Growth often
634
00:47:42.239 --> 00:47:45.920
happens in hindsight. Right, you know more now than you
635
00:47:45.960 --> 00:47:49.840
did then, and of course that's okay. The goal isn't
636
00:47:49.840 --> 00:47:53.840
to shame your younger self. The goal is to honor
637
00:47:54.519 --> 00:47:58.280
your future self. Don't spend so much time criticizing who
638
00:47:58.360 --> 00:48:02.800
you used to be that you miss who you're becoming now.
639
00:48:02.880 --> 00:48:05.639
Of course, before we close again, I'm sorry, I think
640
00:48:05.639 --> 00:48:07.480
I said this like three times, but we really about
641
00:48:07.519 --> 00:48:12.920
to close. I want you to imagine something, Okay, imagine
642
00:48:13.079 --> 00:48:16.920
you're standing at across the roads. Oh my god, that
643
00:48:17.039 --> 00:48:19.079
makes me think of a song. What was that song
644
00:48:19.599 --> 00:48:25.760
by Boone Thugs? Boom boom boom boom boom. Let me focus, y'all.
645
00:48:25.760 --> 00:48:30.840
But you're standing it across roads. Okay. Behind you are
646
00:48:30.960 --> 00:48:38.039
all the relationships, opportunities, and situations where you negotiated with
647
00:48:38.199 --> 00:48:46.960
red flags ahead of you. It's peace right, you have health, joy, purpose, confidence, wholeness.
648
00:48:47.679 --> 00:48:51.239
God isn't forcing you to move, He's inviting you. But
649
00:48:51.400 --> 00:48:55.760
here's the thing. You can't walk forward while you're still
650
00:48:55.840 --> 00:49:01.960
bargaining with what belongs behind you. At some point, you
651
00:49:02.320 --> 00:49:06.360
have to stop negotiating. You have to stop explaining, you
652
00:49:06.360 --> 00:49:09.440
have to stop making excuses. You have to stop hoping
653
00:49:09.519 --> 00:49:12.400
that somebody else becomes who they've consistently refused to be.
654
00:49:13.039 --> 00:49:14.920
And you have to trust that whatever God has for
655
00:49:15.000 --> 00:49:18.840
you will never require you to betray yourself to receive it.
656
00:49:19.480 --> 00:49:22.719
You better write that down. I'll say it again. What
657
00:49:22.840 --> 00:49:27.000
God has for you will never require you to betray
658
00:49:27.079 --> 00:49:30.440
yourself to receive it. If you have to abandon your peace,
659
00:49:30.480 --> 00:49:34.639
your values, your boundaries, your dignity, your relationship with God,
660
00:49:34.719 --> 00:49:38.039
or your self respecta holds onto it, it is not
661
00:49:38.639 --> 00:49:42.039
a blessing. I mean, it might be a lessing, but
662
00:49:42.119 --> 00:49:47.880
it's definitely not your assignment. Here's my final thought, y'all,
663
00:49:47.880 --> 00:49:51.039
stop praying for another sign, especially after God has already
664
00:49:51.039 --> 00:49:56.159
given you discernment, stop asking him to make it clearer.
665
00:49:57.920 --> 00:49:59.519
It's about as clear as it could be at this point,
666
00:49:59.559 --> 00:50:03.559
because he's already shown you the pattern. Okay, stop negotiating
667
00:50:03.559 --> 00:50:07.679
with behavior because you're emotionally attached to potential. Believe what
668
00:50:07.760 --> 00:50:13.360
you see, trust what God reveals, Honor your peace, and
669
00:50:13.519 --> 00:50:21.079
protect your future. Never apologize for choosing wisdom over wishful thinking.
670
00:50:22.760 --> 00:50:26.320
People don't usually destroy your life with one giant decision, right,
671
00:50:26.960 --> 00:50:33.559
it's usually excuse me, a series of small compromises, small excuses,
672
00:50:34.039 --> 00:50:37.639
small negotiations, small moments where you knew better, but you
673
00:50:37.760 --> 00:50:40.639
talk yourself out of it. So just let today be
674
00:50:40.719 --> 00:50:44.079
the day that you stop negotiating, not because you're angry,
675
00:50:44.840 --> 00:50:48.880
not because you're bitter, but because you're finally you finally
676
00:50:48.960 --> 00:50:53.960
learned that peace is too expensive to keep discounting. It
677
00:50:54.039 --> 00:50:56.880
is not for sale. Okay, this is not a sale
678
00:50:57.000 --> 00:51:01.079
or clearance. So thank you guys so much for spending
679
00:51:01.119 --> 00:51:04.480
time with me. If this episode blessed you, I want
680
00:51:04.480 --> 00:51:06.119
you to share it with someone who's been ignoring their
681
00:51:06.159 --> 00:51:09.239
own discernment. I need you to leave a review, send
682
00:51:09.239 --> 00:51:12.719
me a message. I'd love to know what part spoke
683
00:51:12.800 --> 00:51:16.119
to your heart And until next time, I want you
684
00:51:16.159 --> 00:51:21.960
to protect your peace on your boundaries, trust God's wisdom,
685
00:51:22.599 --> 00:51:29.400
and remember discernment whispers before consequences. Screen baby, y'all been
686
00:51:29.400 --> 00:51:33.480
not waits until life starts yelling at you. This has
687
00:51:33.559 --> 00:51:36.840
been your host Elizabeth and you've been listening to Pretty
688
00:51:36.880 --> 00:51:40.239
Pristy Chronicles. I need you all to do me one
689
00:51:40.239 --> 00:51:45.239
good thing and I want you to follow my nonprofit
690
00:51:45.760 --> 00:51:51.000
on Instagram, Auto Flow Foundation. So a regular English person
691
00:51:51.039 --> 00:51:53.519
with you know in anybody that's American is gonna say
692
00:51:53.559 --> 00:51:58.920
a to Flow but Ada Flow dot Foundation and go
693
00:51:58.960 --> 00:52:01.719
ahead and like and purchase a few things on my
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00:52:01.760 --> 00:52:05.239
Skip on my Skip website. Okay. We are always trying
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to help our young girls who are just either you know,
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starting their cycles or they've been doing it and they
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just don't know the resources or don't have the education.
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So I'm always trying to uplift them, always trying to
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educate them on their bodies. So go ahead and donate, y'all.
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And if you need, you need questions, or you have
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questions on how to do that, just send me a
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good little email at Pretty Prissy Chronicles at gmail dot
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com and I'll guide you along the way, but this
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has been pretty pristy chronicles. I love y'all. It's nothing
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you can do about it. I will see you in
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the next episode, as Porch Vibes remembers the twenty first
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night of September, here we go.