WEBVTT
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Hold on to me as you go.
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Welcome to the North Point Counseling Perspective, a podcast dedicated to strengthening families, nurturing relationships, and offering helpful guidance for healing, connection, and lifelong growth together.
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I'm your host, John Sternfels, National Board Certified Counselor, Author, and Clinical Director of North Point Professional Counseling, located in Novi, Michigan.
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Whether you're listening at home, at your desk at work, driving, exercising, or simply taking a few quiet minutes for yourself, I'm glad you've chosen to tune in and spend some time with me today.
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My hope with every podcast is pretty simple, to take topics that can sometimes feel complicated and make them easier to understand, and, more importantly, easier to apply to everyday life and relationships.
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Today, we're going to talk about a word you've probably heard many times, narcissism.
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It's a word that gets thrown around pretty easily.
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We hear people say, he's a narcissist, or she only cares about herself.
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But narcissism is much more complicated than simply being selfish or wanting attention.
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Before we continue, I need to mention that today's discussion about narcissism is intended for education and general information only.
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It is not intended to diagnose you, your spouse, partner, family member, friend, or anyone else with a possible narcissistic personality disorder.
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You may recognize certain behaviors or patterns we discussed today, but having narcissistic traits does not automatically mean someone has narcissistic personality disorder.
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A personality disorder is a clinical diagnosis that can only be made after a thorough evaluation by a qualified mental health professional.
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This podcast is also not a substitute for professional counseling, psychological assessment, diagnosis, or treatment.
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To be clear, my goal is not to encourage you to label or diagnose someone, but rather to help you better understand narcissistic traits, recognize unhealthy patterns in relationships, and become more aware of how these behaviors can affect you and the people around you.
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As you listen, try to resist the temptation to immediately think, I know exactly who this describes.
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Instead, I encourage all of us to also ask, do I recognize any of these behaviors in myself?
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Because greater understanding should not simply help us identify problems in others.
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It should also help us become more self-aware, accountable, empathetic, and emotionally healthy ourselves.
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So let's get started.
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What does narcissism really mean?
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Simply stated, narcissism is a pattern of thinking and behaving where a person becomes overly focused on themselves, their needs, their feelings, their image, and what they want.
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But narcissism is more complicated than simply being selfish.
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A person with strong narcissistic traits may have difficulty admitting when they are wrong.
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They may become defensive when confronted, blame others for their behavior, need constant approval, or struggle to understand how their actions affect the people closest to them.
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Let's be honest, most of us can be pretty darn selfish, defensive, or overly focused on ourselves sometimes.
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Maybe your spouse tells you that you hurt their feelings, and your first response is, well, that's not what I meant.
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Maybe someone corrects you at work and immediately you want to defend yourself.
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Or maybe you become so focused on what you need, what you want, or how you feel that you temporarily lose sight of how your behavior is affecting someone else.
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Truth is, we all do this sometimes.
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But having selfish or defensive moments does not make someone a narcissist.
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The difference often shows up in what happens afterward.
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The question is, what do we do when someone points out our behavior?
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A healthier person may initially become defensive, but later they can step back and think, maybe I need to look at my part in this.
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They can admit they were wrong, they can apologize, they can listen to another person's pain, and most importantly, they can make an effort to change their behavior.
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In other words, can we stop and listen?
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Can we admit I was wrong?
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Can we apologize without adding an excuse?
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Can we become curious about how our behavior affected someone else?
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And are we willing to change?
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With narcissistic patterns, that can be much harder.
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Instead of looking inward, the person repeatedly looks outward for someone else to blame.
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They may minimize what happened, justify their behavior, change the subject, attack the other person, or make themselves the victim.
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So here's a simple way to think about it.
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Selfishness says, I'm thinking about myself right now.
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A narcissistic pattern repeatedly says, my needs, my feelings, my image, and my version of what happened are more important than yours.
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And when that pattern continues over time, it can cause significant damage to relationships.
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The issue isn't whether someone has selfish moments.
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We all do.
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The issue is whether they can recognize those moments, take responsibility, care about the impact on others, and make meaningful changes.
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One of the easiest places to recognize narcissistic patterns is during conflict.
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Why?
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Because conflict requires us to do something difficult.
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Listen to another person's experience.
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Tolerate criticism.
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Admit when we are wrong, and care about someone else's feelings, even when we feel uncomfortable.
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For someone with strong narcissistic traits, that can be very difficult.
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Imagine a wife saying to her husband, When you lied to me, it really hurt me.
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I'm having a hard time trusting you.
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Instead of responding with curiosity or empathy, he might immediately say, Here we go again.
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How many times are you going to bring this up?
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Notice what happened.
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The conversation started with her pain, but quickly became about his discomfort with hearing about her pain.
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That can happen in several ways.
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There may be defensiveness.
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I didn't do anything wrong.
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There may be minimizing.
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You're making this into a much bigger deal than it really is.
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There may be blame shifting.
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Well, if you had been paying more attention to me, maybe this wouldn't have happened.
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There may be counterattacking.
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You want to talk about my behavior?
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Let's talk about everything you've done.
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There may even be attempts to challenge the other person's perception of events.
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That never happened.
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I never said that.
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You're remembering it wrong.
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And sometimes the person simply shuts the conversation down.
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I'm done talking about this.
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It is important to remember, though, that anyone can become defensive during an argument.
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We can all interrupt, raise our voices, say something we regret, or try to defend ourselves.
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So one bad argument does not make someone narcissistic.
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What we are looking for is a repeated pattern.
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When conflict happens, does this person eventually calm down and say, Help me understand why that hurt you?
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I can see my part in this.
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I was wrong.
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I'm sorry.
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What can I do differently?
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Or does almost every difficult conversation end with denial, minimizing, blame, defensiveness, control, or making themselves the victim?
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Here's a simple way to remember it.
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Healthy conflict eventually moves toward understanding.
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Narcissistic conflict often moves toward self-protection.
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The goal can shift from how do we solve this together?
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to how do I protect myself from being wrong?
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And when that happens over and over again, the other person can eventually feel like there is no room in this relationship from my experience unless it agrees with yours.
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That can become an incredibly lonely way to live.
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Now that we've talked about what narcissism can look like, let's ask another important question.
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What may cause someone to develop narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD?
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First, we need to understand that there is no single cause.
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Researchers believe NPD likely develops through a combination of a person's temperament, genetics, early relationships, family environment, and life experiences.
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And many of those influences can begin early in life.
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For example, imagine a child who grows up believing who I am isn't good enough.
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I have to become someone else to be valued.
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Maybe love and attention were based heavily on performance.
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You're special when you win.
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You matter when you succeed.
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You make me proud when you make me look good.
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The child may begin learning that being ordinary, making mistakes, or showing weakness is unacceptable.
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But narcissistic patterns can also develop in very different environments.
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A child may be overpraised, overindulged, or constantly told they are more important or deserving than everyone else.
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They may not learn healthy limits, accountability, or how to tolerate hearing the word no.
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Another child may experience the opposite.
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They may grow up with criticism, rejection, emotional neglect, humiliation, instability, or caregivers who are emotionally unavailable.
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The child may begin developing ways to protect themselves emotionally.
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Instead of allowing people to see, I'm scared, I feel inadequate.
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I need you.
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I'm afraid I'm not good enough.
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They may eventually present themselves as I don't need anyone.
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I'm better than you.
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I'm always right.
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The problem isn't me, it's you.
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In simple terms, sometimes what looks like superiority on the outside may be protecting vulnerability on the inside.
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That doesn't mean every person with NPD secretly feels exactly the same way, and it certainly doesn't mean every child who experiences difficult parenting or trauma will develop NPD.
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Most do not.
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But early experiences can help shape how a person learns to handle shame, criticism, relationships, empathy, vulnerability, and self-worth.
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And here's an important point.
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Understanding is not excusing.
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Understanding where narcissistic patterns may have come from can help explain someone's behavior, but it does not remove responsibility for that behavior.
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A difficult childhood does not give an adult permission to lie, manipulate, control, exploit, demean, or emotionally harm other people.
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At some point, adulthood requires us to examine what we learned growing up and ask, what am I responsible for changing now?
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We may not have chosen everything that shaped us, but as adults, we are responsible for what we do with it.
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Now let's go a little deeper.
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If narcissism is what we see on the outside, what might be happening on the inside?
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A person with strong narcissistic traits may appear extremely confident.
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They may act like they have all the answers.
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They want to be right.
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They may need admiration, recognition, or control.
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They may have difficulty admitting mistakes and become extremely defensive when challenged.
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But sometimes that outward confidence is more fragile than it appears.
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Underneath may be feelings of shame, insecurity, inadequacy, rejection, or fear of not being good enough.
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Think of it like wearing emotional armor.
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The armor says I'm strong.
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I don't need anyone.
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I'm right.
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I'm better than you.
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You can't tell me what to do.
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But underneath that armor may be a person who has great difficulty tolerating the feeling.
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Maybe I'm wrong.
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Maybe I failed.
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Maybe I'm not as important as I need to believe I am.
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Maybe someone sees something in me that I don't want to see.
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That helps us understand what is sometimes called a narcissistic wound.
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A narcissistic wound occurs when something threatens the person's view of themselves or exposes an area of vulnerability.
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And sometimes the trigger can seem surprisingly small.
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A spouse says, You hurt my feelings.
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A boss says, This needs improvement.
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A friend disagrees with them.
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Someone tells them no.
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They don't receive the recognition they expected.
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Someone else gets the attention.
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Or they're confronted about something they did wrong.
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To most people, these experiences may be uncomfortable.
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But to someone with strong narcissistic patterns, they can feel like a much bigger threat to their sense of self.
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And that's when the armor may come up.
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Instead of saying, That hurt to hear, but maybe there's something I need to look at, they may become defensive.
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They may attack, they may blame, they may withdraw, they may minimize what happened, they may become angry, or they may work very hard to prove that you are the problem.
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Why?
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Because admitting fault may not simply feel like I made a mistake.
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It may feel more like I am a failure.
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That's an important distinction.
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Emotionally healthy people can gradually learn to separate behavior from identity.
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I can say I did something selfish without believing I am worthless.
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I can say I was wrong without believing I am weak.
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I can apologize without believing that apologizing makes me inferior.
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But when someone's self-worth is extremely fragile, admitting wrongdoing can feel threatening, so instead of facing the shame, they may protect themselves from it.
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Unfortunately, that protection can become someone else's pain.
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Think about it this way.
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Imagine someone carrying a shield everywhere they go.
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Whenever they feel criticized, embarrassed, rejected, or exposed, that shield immediately goes up.
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The problem is that you cannot have genuine emotional intimacy with someone who is always standing behind a shield.
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Intimacy requires vulnerability.
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It requires being able to say I was wrong.
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I hurt you.
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I don't have all the answers.
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I'm embarrassed.
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I'm afraid.
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I need help.
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And perhaps one of the hardest.
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Tell me how my behavior affected you, and I'll try to listen without defending myself.
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That requires emotional strength.
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So when we're trying to understand narcissism, we shouldn't only ask why does this person need to be right?
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We might also ask, what happens inside this person when they might be wrong?
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Why do they need admiration?
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Why is criticism so difficult?
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Why does vulnerability feel dangerous?
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Why does someone else's pain sometimes feel more like an accusation than an invitation to connect?
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Those questions help us understand what may be underneath the behavior.
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But remember what we talked about earlier.
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Understanding the wound does not excuse the behavior.
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Someone may have very real wounds from their past and still be responsible for how they treat people today.
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Okay, next we will talk about what is called narcissistic rage.
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When people hear the word rage, they often picture someone screaming, throwing things, or becoming physically aggressive.
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And sometimes rage can certainly be loud.
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But narcissistic rage isn't always yelling.
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It may show up as intense anger, hostility, contempt, personal attacks, blaming, threats, intimidation, or attempts to regain control.
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It can also be much quieter.
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The person may suddenly withdraw.
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They may give you the silent treatment.
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They may become cold or emotionally unavailable.
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They may punish you by withholding affection.
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They may refuse to talk to you.
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Or they may make you feel that the relationship will remain uncomfortable until you apologize, even though you were the person who originally raised the concern.
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Think about what just happened.
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You started the conversation by saying, something you did hurt me.
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But 20 minutes later you're defending yourself.
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You may even find yourself apologizing.
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The original issue has disappeared.
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Why does this happen?
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Sometimes anger becomes a way to protect yourself from feelings you have difficulty tolerating.
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Instead of feeling I'm ashamed, they feel angry.
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Instead of saying I'm embarrassed, they attack.
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Instead of saying maybe I was wrong, they blame.
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Instead of saying, I'm afraid you're going to reject me, they reject you first.
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In other words, anger can sometimes protect a much more vulnerable emotion underneath.
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Here's an analogy.
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Imagine someone has an emotional bruise that you cannot see.
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You barely touch their arm, but they react as if you hit them.
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You might think, why are you reacting like that?
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I barely touched you.
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But you didn't know there was already a bruise underneath.
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A narcissistic injury can work somewhat like that.
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The present situation may touch something much deeper involving shame, inadequacy, rejection, humiliation, or fear of losing control.
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But again, understanding the bruise does not mean accepting harmful behavior.
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Someone's emotional wound may help us understand why they reacted, but it does not give them permission to emotionally harm someone else.
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And this is where relationships can become very difficult.
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Over time, the other person may begin walking on eggshells.
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They think, how do I say this without upsetting them?
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Maybe I shouldn't bring it up.
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Maybe I'm being too sensitive.
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It's easier just to let it go.
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Eventually, one person may stop expressing their needs simply to keep the peace.
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But that isn't healthy intimacy.
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Healthy relationships must have room for disagreement, accountability, boundaries, and difficult conversations.
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You should be able to say, you hurt me without fearing punishment for saying it.
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You should be able to disagree without being attacked.
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And you should be able to set a reasonable boundary without being made to feel guilty for having one.
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So when we talk about narcissistic injury and narcissistic rage, remember, the issue isn't simply that someone becomes angry, everyone gets angry.
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The bigger question is, what happens when this person feels criticized, challenged, rejected, or held accountable?
00:21:28.079 --> 00:21:34.559
Can they eventually regulate their emotions, listen, reflect, and take responsibility?
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Or does someone else always have to become the bad guy so they can keep feeling like the good guy?
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That difference can tell us a great deal about what is happening underneath the conflict.
00:21:47.200 --> 00:21:58.960
Healing begins when a person becomes willing to put down the armor, face what is underneath it, take responsibility for their behavior, and begin doing the difficult work of change.
00:21:59.279 --> 00:22:06.480
As we wrap up today's conversation, thank you for taking the time to join me here on North Point Counseling Perspective.
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My hope is that today's discussion helped you better understand narcissism, not simply as a label we place on someone, but as a pattern of behaviors that can deeply affect individuals, marriages, families, and relationships.
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Maybe something you heard today made you think differently, not only about someone else, but perhaps even about yourself.
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Because greater understanding should lead us toward greater self-awareness, accountability, empathy, and healthier relationships.
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If you suspect you may be in a relationship with someone who has strong narcissistic traits, or you are experiencing patterns of manipulation, control, emotional abuse, chronic blame, intimidation, or persistent emotional confusion, I encourage you to seek the help of a qualified mental health professional who understands narcissistic behaviors and unhealthy relationship dynamics.
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You don't have to diagnose the other person to recognize that something in the relationship may be unhealthy.
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A trained professional can help you better understand what you are experiencing, establish healthy boundaries, regain clarity, and determine what steps may be appropriate for your situation.
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And if you ever feel that you or someone else is in immediate danger, please seek appropriate emergency assistance.
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If today's podcast was helpful to you, I'd encourage you to share it with a friend, family member, or someone you believe could benefit from this conversation.
00:23:45.599 --> 00:23:51.759
And if you enjoy this North Point Counseling perspective, please take a moment to subscribe and leave a review.
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Your review helps others discover the podcast and allows these conversations to reach more people who may need them.
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Most importantly, remember this.
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Thank you again for spending part of your day with me.
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Until next time, I'm John Sternfels, and this has been a North Point Counseling Perspective.
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Hold on to me as you go.
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Welcome to the North Point Counseling Perspective, a podcast dedicated to strengthening families, nurturing relationships, and offering helpful guidance for healing, connection, and lifelong growth together.
00:00:26.160 --> 00:00:36.479
I'm your host, John Sternfels, National Board Certified Counselor, Author, and Clinical Director of North Point Professional Counseling, located in Novi, Michigan.
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Whether you're listening at home, at your desk at work, driving, exercising, or simply taking a few quiet minutes for yourself, I'm glad you've chosen to tune in and spend some time with me today.
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My hope with every podcast is pretty simple, to take topics that can sometimes feel complicated and make them easier to understand, and, more importantly, easier to apply to everyday life and relationships.
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Today, we're going to talk about a word you've probably heard many times, narcissism.
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It's a word that gets thrown around pretty easily.
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We hear people say, he's a narcissist, or she only cares about herself.
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But narcissism is much more complicated than simply being selfish or wanting attention.
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Before we continue, I need to mention that today's discussion about narcissism is intended for education and general information only.
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It is not intended to diagnose you, your spouse, partner, family member, friend, or anyone else with a possible narcissistic personality disorder.
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You may recognize certain behaviors or patterns we discussed today, but having narcissistic traits does not automatically mean someone has narcissistic personality disorder.
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A personality disorder is a clinical diagnosis that can only be made after a thorough evaluation by a qualified mental health professional.
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This podcast is also not a substitute for professional counseling, psychological assessment, diagnosis, or treatment.
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To be clear, my goal is not to encourage you to label or diagnose someone, but rather to help you better understand narcissistic traits, recognize unhealthy patterns in relationships, and become more aware of how these behaviors can affect you and the people around you.
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As you listen, try to resist the temptation to immediately think, I know exactly who this describes.
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Instead, I encourage all of us to also ask, do I recognize any of these behaviors in myself?
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Because greater understanding should not simply help us identify problems in others.
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It should also help us become more self-aware, accountable, empathetic, and emotionally healthy ourselves.
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So let's get started.
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What does narcissism really mean?
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Simply stated, narcissism is a pattern of thinking and behaving where a person becomes overly focused on themselves, their needs, their feelings, their image, and what they want.
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But narcissism is more complicated than simply being selfish.
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A person with strong narcissistic traits may have difficulty admitting when they are wrong.
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They may become defensive when confronted, blame others for their behavior, need constant approval, or struggle to understand how their actions affect the people closest to them.
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Let's be honest, most of us can be pretty darn selfish, defensive, or overly focused on ourselves sometimes.
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Maybe your spouse tells you that you hurt their feelings, and your first response is, well, that's not what I meant.
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Maybe someone corrects you at work and immediately you want to defend yourself.
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Or maybe you become so focused on what you need, what you want, or how you feel that you temporarily lose sight of how your behavior is affecting someone else.
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Truth is, we all do this sometimes.
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But having selfish or defensive moments does not make someone a narcissist.
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The difference often shows up in what happens afterward.
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The question is, what do we do when someone points out our behavior?
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A healthier person may initially become defensive, but later they can step back and think, maybe I need to look at my part in this.
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They can admit they were wrong, they can apologize, they can listen to another person's pain, and most importantly, they can make an effort to change their behavior.
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In other words, can we stop and listen?
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Can we admit I was wrong?
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Can we apologize without adding an excuse?
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Can we become curious about how our behavior affected someone else?
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And are we willing to change?
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With narcissistic patterns, that can be much harder.
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Instead of looking inward, the person repeatedly looks outward for someone else to blame.
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They may minimize what happened, justify their behavior, change the subject, attack the other person, or make themselves the victim.
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So here's a simple way to think about it.
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Selfishness says, I'm thinking about myself right now.
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A narcissistic pattern repeatedly says, my needs, my feelings, my image, and my version of what happened are more important than yours.
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And when that pattern continues over time, it can cause significant damage to relationships.
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The issue isn't whether someone has selfish moments.
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We all do.
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The issue is whether they can recognize those moments, take responsibility, care about the impact on others, and make meaningful changes.
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One of the easiest places to recognize narcissistic patterns is during conflict.
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Why?
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Because conflict requires us to do something difficult.
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Listen to another person's experience.
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Tolerate criticism.
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Admit when we are wrong, and care about someone else's feelings, even when we feel uncomfortable.
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For someone with strong narcissistic traits, that can be very difficult.
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Imagine a wife saying to her husband, When you lied to me, it really hurt me.
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I'm having a hard time trusting you.
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Instead of responding with curiosity or empathy, he might immediately say, Here we go again.
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How many times are you going to bring this up?
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Notice what happened.
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The conversation started with her pain, but quickly became about his discomfort with hearing about her pain.
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That can happen in several ways.
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There may be defensiveness.
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I didn't do anything wrong.
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There may be minimizing.
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You're making this into a much bigger deal than it really is.
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There may be blame shifting.
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Well, if you had been paying more attention to me, maybe this wouldn't have happened.
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There may be counterattacking.
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You want to talk about my behavior?
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Let's talk about everything you've done.
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There may even be attempts to challenge the other person's perception of events.
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That never happened.
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I never said that.
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You're remembering it wrong.
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And sometimes the person simply shuts the conversation down.
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I'm done talking about this.
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It is important to remember, though, that anyone can become defensive during an argument.
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We can all interrupt, raise our voices, say something we regret, or try to defend ourselves.
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So one bad argument does not make someone narcissistic.
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What we are looking for is a repeated pattern.
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When conflict happens, does this person eventually calm down and say, Help me understand why that hurt you?
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I can see my part in this.
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I was wrong.
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I'm sorry.
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What can I do differently?
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Or does almost every difficult conversation end with denial, minimizing, blame, defensiveness, control, or making themselves the victim?
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Here's a simple way to remember it.
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Healthy conflict eventually moves toward understanding.
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Narcissistic conflict often moves toward self-protection.
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The goal can shift from how do we solve this together?
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to how do I protect myself from being wrong?
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And when that happens over and over again, the other person can eventually feel like there is no room in this relationship from my experience unless it agrees with yours.
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That can become an incredibly lonely way to live.
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Now that we've talked about what narcissism can look like, let's ask another important question.
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What may cause someone to develop narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD?
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First, we need to understand that there is no single cause.
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Researchers believe NPD likely develops through a combination of a person's temperament, genetics, early relationships, family environment, and life experiences.
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And many of those influences can begin early in life.
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For example, imagine a child who grows up believing who I am isn't good enough.
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I have to become someone else to be valued.
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Maybe love and attention were based heavily on performance.
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You're special when you win.
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You matter when you succeed.
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You make me proud when you make me look good.
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The child may begin learning that being ordinary, making mistakes, or showing weakness is unacceptable.
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But narcissistic patterns can also develop in very different environments.
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A child may be overpraised, overindulged, or constantly told they are more important or deserving than everyone else.
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They may not learn healthy limits, accountability, or how to tolerate hearing the word no.
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Another child may experience the opposite.
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They may grow up with criticism, rejection, emotional neglect, humiliation, instability, or caregivers who are emotionally unavailable.
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The child may begin developing ways to protect themselves emotionally.
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Instead of allowing people to see, I'm scared, I feel inadequate.
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I need you.
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I'm afraid I'm not good enough.
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They may eventually present themselves as I don't need anyone.
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I'm better than you.
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I'm always right.
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The problem isn't me, it's you.
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In simple terms, sometimes what looks like superiority on the outside may be protecting vulnerability on the inside.
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That doesn't mean every person with NPD secretly feels exactly the same way, and it certainly doesn't mean every child who experiences difficult parenting or trauma will develop NPD.
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Most do not.
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But early experiences can help shape how a person learns to handle shame, criticism, relationships, empathy, vulnerability, and self-worth.
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And here's an important point.
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Understanding is not excusing.
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Understanding where narcissistic patterns may have come from can help explain someone's behavior, but it does not remove responsibility for that behavior.
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A difficult childhood does not give an adult permission to lie, manipulate, control, exploit, demean, or emotionally harm other people.
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At some point, adulthood requires us to examine what we learned growing up and ask, what am I responsible for changing now?
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We may not have chosen everything that shaped us, but as adults, we are responsible for what we do with it.
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Now let's go a little deeper.
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If narcissism is what we see on the outside, what might be happening on the inside?
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A person with strong narcissistic traits may appear extremely confident.
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They may act like they have all the answers.
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They want to be right.
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They may need admiration, recognition, or control.
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They may have difficulty admitting mistakes and become extremely defensive when challenged.
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But sometimes that outward confidence is more fragile than it appears.
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Underneath may be feelings of shame, insecurity, inadequacy, rejection, or fear of not being good enough.
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Think of it like wearing emotional armor.
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The armor says I'm strong.
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I don't need anyone.
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I'm right.
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I'm better than you.
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You can't tell me what to do.
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But underneath that armor may be a person who has great difficulty tolerating the feeling.
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Maybe I'm wrong.
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Maybe I failed.
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Maybe I'm not as important as I need to believe I am.
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Maybe someone sees something in me that I don't want to see.
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That helps us understand what is sometimes called a narcissistic wound.
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A narcissistic wound occurs when something threatens the person's view of themselves or exposes an area of vulnerability.
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And sometimes the trigger can seem surprisingly small.
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A spouse says, You hurt my feelings.
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A boss says, This needs improvement.
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A friend disagrees with them.
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Someone tells them no.
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They don't receive the recognition they expected.
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Someone else gets the attention.
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Or they're confronted about something they did wrong.
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To most people, these experiences may be uncomfortable.
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But to someone with strong narcissistic patterns, they can feel like a much bigger threat to their sense of self.
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And that's when the armor may come up.
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Instead of saying, That hurt to hear, but maybe there's something I need to look at, they may become defensive.
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They may attack, they may blame, they may withdraw, they may minimize what happened, they may become angry, or they may work very hard to prove that you are the problem.
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Why?
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Because admitting fault may not simply feel like I made a mistake.
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It may feel more like I am a failure.
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That's an important distinction.
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Emotionally healthy people can gradually learn to separate behavior from identity.
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I can say I did something selfish without believing I am worthless.
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I can say I was wrong without believing I am weak.
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I can apologize without believing that apologizing makes me inferior.
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But when someone's self-worth is extremely fragile, admitting wrongdoing can feel threatening, so instead of facing the shame, they may protect themselves from it.
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Unfortunately, that protection can become someone else's pain.
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Think about it this way.
00:15:47.519 --> 00:15:51.039
Imagine someone carrying a shield everywhere they go.
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Whenever they feel criticized, embarrassed, rejected, or exposed, that shield immediately goes up.
00:15:58.799 --> 00:16:06.240
The problem is that you cannot have genuine emotional intimacy with someone who is always standing behind a shield.
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Intimacy requires vulnerability.
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It requires being able to say I was wrong.
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I hurt you.
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I don't have all the answers.
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I'm embarrassed.
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I'm afraid.
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I need help.
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And perhaps one of the hardest.
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Tell me how my behavior affected you, and I'll try to listen without defending myself.
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That requires emotional strength.
00:16:35.200 --> 00:16:42.960
So when we're trying to understand narcissism, we shouldn't only ask why does this person need to be right?
00:16:43.519 --> 00:16:49.279
We might also ask, what happens inside this person when they might be wrong?
00:16:49.519 --> 00:16:51.759
Why do they need admiration?
00:16:52.080 --> 00:16:54.799
Why is criticism so difficult?
00:16:55.440 --> 00:16:58.720
Why does vulnerability feel dangerous?
00:16:58.960 --> 00:17:05.839
Why does someone else's pain sometimes feel more like an accusation than an invitation to connect?
00:17:06.079 --> 00:17:10.880
Those questions help us understand what may be underneath the behavior.
00:17:11.119 --> 00:17:13.839
But remember what we talked about earlier.
00:17:14.160 --> 00:17:18.079
Understanding the wound does not excuse the behavior.
00:17:18.319 --> 00:17:25.359
Someone may have very real wounds from their past and still be responsible for how they treat people today.
00:17:25.680 --> 00:17:30.640
Okay, next we will talk about what is called narcissistic rage.
00:17:30.960 --> 00:17:38.880
When people hear the word rage, they often picture someone screaming, throwing things, or becoming physically aggressive.
00:17:39.119 --> 00:17:42.720
And sometimes rage can certainly be loud.
00:17:42.960 --> 00:17:46.559
But narcissistic rage isn't always yelling.
00:17:46.799 --> 00:17:58.480
It may show up as intense anger, hostility, contempt, personal attacks, blaming, threats, intimidation, or attempts to regain control.
00:17:59.039 --> 00:18:01.599
It can also be much quieter.
00:18:02.000 --> 00:18:04.640
The person may suddenly withdraw.
00:18:04.960 --> 00:18:07.519
They may give you the silent treatment.
00:18:07.839 --> 00:18:11.839
They may become cold or emotionally unavailable.
00:18:12.160 --> 00:18:15.279
They may punish you by withholding affection.
00:18:15.519 --> 00:18:18.079
They may refuse to talk to you.
00:18:18.400 --> 00:18:28.000
Or they may make you feel that the relationship will remain uncomfortable until you apologize, even though you were the person who originally raised the concern.
00:18:28.400 --> 00:18:30.240
Think about what just happened.
00:18:30.480 --> 00:18:34.880
You started the conversation by saying, something you did hurt me.
00:18:35.039 --> 00:18:38.319
But 20 minutes later you're defending yourself.
00:18:38.640 --> 00:18:41.599
You may even find yourself apologizing.
00:18:41.920 --> 00:18:44.319
The original issue has disappeared.
00:18:44.559 --> 00:18:46.160
Why does this happen?
00:18:46.480 --> 00:18:52.559
Sometimes anger becomes a way to protect yourself from feelings you have difficulty tolerating.
00:18:52.799 --> 00:18:58.240
Instead of feeling I'm ashamed, they feel angry.
00:18:58.799 --> 00:19:04.079
Instead of saying I'm embarrassed, they attack.
00:19:04.400 --> 00:19:09.519
Instead of saying maybe I was wrong, they blame.
00:19:10.079 --> 00:19:15.759
Instead of saying, I'm afraid you're going to reject me, they reject you first.
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In other words, anger can sometimes protect a much more vulnerable emotion underneath.
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Here's an analogy.
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Imagine someone has an emotional bruise that you cannot see.
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You barely touch their arm, but they react as if you hit them.
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You might think, why are you reacting like that?
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I barely touched you.
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But you didn't know there was already a bruise underneath.
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A narcissistic injury can work somewhat like that.
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The present situation may touch something much deeper involving shame, inadequacy, rejection, humiliation, or fear of losing control.
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But again, understanding the bruise does not mean accepting harmful behavior.
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Someone's emotional wound may help us understand why they reacted, but it does not give them permission to emotionally harm someone else.
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And this is where relationships can become very difficult.
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Over time, the other person may begin walking on eggshells.
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They think, how do I say this without upsetting them?
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Maybe I shouldn't bring it up.
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Maybe I'm being too sensitive.
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It's easier just to let it go.
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Eventually, one person may stop expressing their needs simply to keep the peace.
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But that isn't healthy intimacy.
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Healthy relationships must have room for disagreement, accountability, boundaries, and difficult conversations.
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You should be able to say, you hurt me without fearing punishment for saying it.
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You should be able to disagree without being attacked.
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And you should be able to set a reasonable boundary without being made to feel guilty for having one.
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So when we talk about narcissistic injury and narcissistic rage, remember, the issue isn't simply that someone becomes angry, everyone gets angry.
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The bigger question is, what happens when this person feels criticized, challenged, rejected, or held accountable?
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Can they eventually regulate their emotions, listen, reflect, and take responsibility?
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Or does someone else always have to become the bad guy so they can keep feeling like the good guy?
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That difference can tell us a great deal about what is happening underneath the conflict.
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Healing begins when a person becomes willing to put down the armor, face what is underneath it, take responsibility for their behavior, and begin doing the difficult work of change.
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As we wrap up today's conversation, thank you for taking the time to join me here on North Point Counseling Perspective.
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My hope is that today's discussion helped you better understand narcissism, not simply as a label we place on someone, but as a pattern of behaviors that can deeply affect individuals, marriages, families, and relationships.
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Maybe something you heard today made you think differently, not only about someone else, but perhaps even about yourself.
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Because greater understanding should lead us toward greater self-awareness, accountability, empathy, and healthier relationships.
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If you suspect you may be in a relationship with someone who has strong narcissistic traits, or you are experiencing patterns of manipulation, control, emotional abuse, chronic blame, intimidation, or persistent emotional confusion, I encourage you to seek the help of a qualified mental health professional who understands narcissistic behaviors and unhealthy relationship dynamics.
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You don't have to diagnose the other person to recognize that something in the relationship may be unhealthy.
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A trained professional can help you better understand what you are experiencing, establish healthy boundaries, regain clarity, and determine what steps may be appropriate for your situation.
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And if you ever feel that you or someone else is in immediate danger, please seek appropriate emergency assistance.
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If today's podcast was helpful to you, I'd encourage you to share it with a friend, family member, or someone you believe could benefit from this conversation.
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And if you enjoy this North Point Counseling perspective, please take a moment to subscribe and leave a review.
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Your review helps others discover the podcast and allows these conversations to reach more people who may need them.
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Most importantly, remember this.
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Thank you again for spending part of your day with me.
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Until next time, I'm John Sternfels, and this has been a North Point Counseling Perspective.
