WEBVTT
00:00:11.039 --> 00:00:13.919
Hey you guys, welcome back to Mind Snacks.
00:00:14.080 --> 00:00:18.559
Today we're gonna talk about something that everybody deals with, well, most everybody.
00:00:18.800 --> 00:00:19.519
Siblings.
00:00:19.760 --> 00:00:27.199
Today we're talking about your brothers and sisters and the people you live with, the people who know just exactly how to push your buttons.
00:00:27.440 --> 00:00:31.679
Fighting with your siblings doesn't mean you're a bad person and it doesn't mean that you love them.
00:00:31.839 --> 00:00:33.200
It just means that you're human.
00:00:33.280 --> 00:00:35.759
And today I'm gonna teach you something powerful.
00:00:35.920 --> 00:00:39.439
We're gonna learn about how we can stop fights before they explode.
00:00:39.600 --> 00:00:45.039
We're gonna learn how to calm down when things get heated and how to repair things afterward.
00:00:45.280 --> 00:00:50.240
The goal isn't to never fight, the goal is to learn how to handle conflict in a healthy way.
00:00:50.479 --> 00:00:52.719
First, let's understand something important.
00:00:53.439 --> 00:00:57.119
Siblings fight a lot because you guys are around each other a lot.
00:00:57.359 --> 00:01:02.320
You compete for attention from your parents sometimes, and we're still learning emotional control.
00:01:02.560 --> 00:01:08.239
We want to get to the point where we can feel safe enough to show our big feelings without hurting anyone.
00:01:08.560 --> 00:01:13.439
And something that's interesting is you actually fight the most with the people you feel safest with.
00:01:13.680 --> 00:01:17.439
It doesn't mean it's okay to be mean, but it helps us understand what's happening.
00:01:17.599 --> 00:01:27.040
Your brain has two systems the thinking brain, which is calm and logical and kind, and the alarm brain, which is the reactive and defensive and loud side.
00:01:27.200 --> 00:01:32.560
When your sibling takes your stuff and teases you and doesn't listen, your alarm brain turns on.
00:01:32.799 --> 00:01:36.640
And when those alarm brains collide, boom, you can fight.
00:01:36.959 --> 00:01:39.840
And so the skill we're building today is this.
00:01:40.079 --> 00:01:44.799
We're learning how to pause the alarm brain and bring the thinking brain back online.
00:01:45.439 --> 00:01:47.519
So here's our first big tool.
00:01:47.840 --> 00:01:51.599
Walking away is not losing, walking away is winning.
00:01:51.840 --> 00:01:59.599
So when things get really heated and your heart beats fast and your voice gets loud and you want to win, that's your nervous system in fight mode.
00:01:59.760 --> 00:02:03.359
So therapists suggest something called regulated distance.
00:02:03.599 --> 00:02:06.640
This means you create space before damage happens.
00:02:06.879 --> 00:02:11.759
You can say, I need a minute, I'm too mad to talk right now, or let's pause.
00:02:12.000 --> 00:02:14.400
Then physically leave the room.
00:02:15.199 --> 00:02:21.280
Go to your bedroom, the bathroom, outside, just anywhere, away from your sibling that's safe.
00:02:21.520 --> 00:02:26.000
It's not a storm off dramatically thing, you're just trying to choose self-control.
00:02:26.159 --> 00:02:33.199
When we walk away, it prevents saying something that you'll regret saying, or hitting or pushing or escalating the situation.
00:02:33.439 --> 00:02:35.360
It protects your relationship.
00:02:35.599 --> 00:02:37.439
Okay, and here's another tool.
00:02:37.599 --> 00:02:40.879
You cannot fix a fight while your body is still fired up.
00:02:41.120 --> 00:02:45.120
Therapists always say we gotta regulate first and then repair.
00:02:45.360 --> 00:02:47.120
So here's how we can regulate.
00:02:47.199 --> 00:02:48.319
We're gonna box breathe.
00:02:48.479 --> 00:02:50.159
You guys remember talking about breathing?
00:02:50.400 --> 00:02:58.080
Breathe in for four, hold your breath for four, out for four, hold for four, and then we're gonna repeat.
00:02:58.639 --> 00:03:01.199
Picture a box in your brain, like a square.
00:03:01.439 --> 00:03:07.199
You can do a cold water reset, so you can go in the bathroom and splash cold water on your face.
00:03:07.360 --> 00:03:09.759
This will literally help calm your nervous system.
00:03:09.840 --> 00:03:10.719
Isn't that cool?
00:03:10.960 --> 00:03:15.199
You can move your body, do 10 push-ups, jump in place, shake your arms.
00:03:15.439 --> 00:03:18.319
Anger is energy and it needs somewhere to go.
00:03:18.560 --> 00:03:28.240
Then you can name your feeling instead of saying, I'm mad, try I felt ignored, I felt embarrassed, I felt left out, I felt like it wasn't fair.
00:03:28.479 --> 00:03:31.039
When you name the feeling, you can shrink it.
00:03:31.360 --> 00:03:36.400
Another tool, and this is the part most kids and adults skip, is repair.
00:03:36.639 --> 00:03:39.280
Repair is what keeps relationships strong.
00:03:39.520 --> 00:03:43.919
So here's a simple four-step repair formula that therapists often teach.
00:03:44.159 --> 00:03:45.759
You're gonna take ownership.
00:03:46.000 --> 00:03:48.960
I shouldn't have yelled, not while you started it.
00:03:49.199 --> 00:03:52.080
Ownership will build trust between the two of you.
00:03:52.319 --> 00:03:58.639
When you say what you feel, you say like I'm frustrated when you grabbed my game or took my toy.
00:03:58.800 --> 00:04:00.400
This is called an I statement.
00:04:00.479 --> 00:04:02.479
It lowers the defensiveness.
00:04:02.639 --> 00:04:05.680
And then you're gonna listen back to what they were saying.
00:04:05.919 --> 00:04:08.080
Let them talk without interrupting.
00:04:08.240 --> 00:04:12.319
You might hear, I thought you were done, or I didn't know you cared that much.
00:04:12.560 --> 00:04:17.199
And when you understand them and where they're coming from, it will help a lot.
00:04:17.920 --> 00:04:19.519
We're gonna end with a plan.
00:04:19.759 --> 00:04:24.319
Next time we will ask first, set a timer, take turns, or use a code word.
00:04:25.040 --> 00:04:30.240
Conflict without a plan will repeat, but conflict with a with a plan will build maturity.
00:04:31.360 --> 00:04:37.040
And some other important things to uh pay attention to is we're not gonna fight when we're hungry or tired.
00:04:37.199 --> 00:04:39.759
You need to pause and be like, whoa, am I hungry?
00:04:40.000 --> 00:04:42.399
Lonely, tired, what's my needs right now?
00:04:42.959 --> 00:04:56.079
You can create sibling agreements like when you're calm, set rules like no insults, knock before entering rooms, ask before borrowing, 10 minutes cool down, and you can decide all these things together.
00:04:56.319 --> 00:05:00.000
Another important thing to practice is just assume the best.
00:05:00.160 --> 00:05:03.360
Instead of thinking, oh, they're just trying to annoy me.
00:05:03.519 --> 00:05:07.920
Maybe you can try saying, Oh, I don't know if they realize this or that.
00:05:08.079 --> 00:05:10.879
Most sibling fights are just misunderstandings.
00:05:11.759 --> 00:05:14.879
And just remember that you guys are on the same team.
00:05:15.120 --> 00:05:16.879
You won't live together forever.
00:05:17.040 --> 00:05:22.000
One day you'll be adults and you'll need each other and you'll share memories like no one else has.
00:05:22.240 --> 00:05:23.839
So we're gonna protect that bond.
00:05:23.920 --> 00:05:26.240
I think that sounds pretty important, doesn't it?
00:05:27.439 --> 00:05:29.439
So here's my story for you guys today.
00:05:29.519 --> 00:05:32.240
Let me tell you about two brothers, Jake and Owen.
00:05:32.399 --> 00:05:34.800
They fought constantly about video games.
00:05:34.959 --> 00:05:38.240
One day it exploded, yelling and door slamming.
00:05:38.480 --> 00:05:43.920
Their mom didn't punish them immediately, she just said, pause, regulate, repair.
00:05:44.399 --> 00:05:46.480
Jake went outside and did push-ups.
00:05:46.720 --> 00:05:48.959
Owen sat on his bed and cried a little bit.
00:05:49.120 --> 00:05:53.759
Twenty minutes later, Jake said, I shouldn't have shoved you, I was just frustrated.
00:05:54.079 --> 00:05:57.360
Owen said, I shouldn't have changed the level without asking.
00:05:57.519 --> 00:05:58.480
They made a plan.
00:05:58.720 --> 00:06:04.959
30-minute turns, timer set, no touching the controller controller during the other person's turn.
00:06:05.199 --> 00:06:06.399
And did they fight again?
00:06:06.639 --> 00:06:07.279
Yes.
00:06:08.160 --> 00:06:09.439
But not as big.
00:06:09.759 --> 00:06:12.480
Because now they had tools to solve conflict.
00:06:12.720 --> 00:06:16.800
So here's what I want you to remember: fighting doesn't mean that you don't love each other.
00:06:16.879 --> 00:06:18.319
It just means you're still learning.
00:06:18.480 --> 00:06:22.800
And when we walk away, that's maturity, and when you calm your body, that's strength.
00:06:23.040 --> 00:06:25.199
Repairing later, that's leadership.
00:06:25.439 --> 00:06:28.079
You don't have to be the loudest and you don't have to win.
00:06:28.160 --> 00:06:33.199
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is just I need a minute, and then come back later.
00:06:33.439 --> 00:06:35.839
Okay, I hope this episode helped you guys.
00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:45.199
If so, share it with your siblings and your friends and everybody you love because being on the same team feels way better than being at war with each other, right?
00:06:46.000 --> 00:06:48.480
Okay, I'll see you guys next time on MindSnacks.
00:06:48.560 --> 00:06:50.480
Thanks for being here, and I'll talk to you soon.
00:06:50.720 --> 00:06:51.279
Bye.
00:00:11.039 --> 00:00:13.919
Hey you guys, welcome back to Mind Snacks.
00:00:14.080 --> 00:00:18.559
Today we're gonna talk about something that everybody deals with, well, most everybody.
00:00:18.800 --> 00:00:19.519
Siblings.
00:00:19.760 --> 00:00:27.199
Today we're talking about your brothers and sisters and the people you live with, the people who know just exactly how to push your buttons.
00:00:27.440 --> 00:00:31.679
Fighting with your siblings doesn't mean you're a bad person and it doesn't mean that you love them.
00:00:31.839 --> 00:00:33.200
It just means that you're human.
00:00:33.280 --> 00:00:35.759
And today I'm gonna teach you something powerful.
00:00:35.920 --> 00:00:39.439
We're gonna learn about how we can stop fights before they explode.
00:00:39.600 --> 00:00:45.039
We're gonna learn how to calm down when things get heated and how to repair things afterward.
00:00:45.280 --> 00:00:50.240
The goal isn't to never fight, the goal is to learn how to handle conflict in a healthy way.
00:00:50.479 --> 00:00:52.719
First, let's understand something important.
00:00:53.439 --> 00:00:57.119
Siblings fight a lot because you guys are around each other a lot.
00:00:57.359 --> 00:01:02.320
You compete for attention from your parents sometimes, and we're still learning emotional control.
00:01:02.560 --> 00:01:08.239
We want to get to the point where we can feel safe enough to show our big feelings without hurting anyone.
00:01:08.560 --> 00:01:13.439
And something that's interesting is you actually fight the most with the people you feel safest with.
00:01:13.680 --> 00:01:17.439
It doesn't mean it's okay to be mean, but it helps us understand what's happening.
00:01:17.599 --> 00:01:27.040
Your brain has two systems the thinking brain, which is calm and logical and kind, and the alarm brain, which is the reactive and defensive and loud side.
00:01:27.200 --> 00:01:32.560
When your sibling takes your stuff and teases you and doesn't listen, your alarm brain turns on.
00:01:32.799 --> 00:01:36.640
And when those alarm brains collide, boom, you can fight.
00:01:36.959 --> 00:01:39.840
And so the skill we're building today is this.
00:01:40.079 --> 00:01:44.799
We're learning how to pause the alarm brain and bring the thinking brain back online.
00:01:45.439 --> 00:01:47.519
So here's our first big tool.
00:01:47.840 --> 00:01:51.599
Walking away is not losing, walking away is winning.
00:01:51.840 --> 00:01:59.599
So when things get really heated and your heart beats fast and your voice gets loud and you want to win, that's your nervous system in fight mode.
00:01:59.760 --> 00:02:03.359
So therapists suggest something called regulated distance.
00:02:03.599 --> 00:02:06.640
This means you create space before damage happens.
00:02:06.879 --> 00:02:11.759
You can say, I need a minute, I'm too mad to talk right now, or let's pause.
00:02:12.000 --> 00:02:14.400
Then physically leave the room.
00:02:15.199 --> 00:02:21.280
Go to your bedroom, the bathroom, outside, just anywhere, away from your sibling that's safe.
00:02:21.520 --> 00:02:26.000
It's not a storm off dramatically thing, you're just trying to choose self-control.
00:02:26.159 --> 00:02:33.199
When we walk away, it prevents saying something that you'll regret saying, or hitting or pushing or escalating the situation.
00:02:33.439 --> 00:02:35.360
It protects your relationship.
00:02:35.599 --> 00:02:37.439
Okay, and here's another tool.
00:02:37.599 --> 00:02:40.879
You cannot fix a fight while your body is still fired up.
00:02:41.120 --> 00:02:45.120
Therapists always say we gotta regulate first and then repair.
00:02:45.360 --> 00:02:47.120
So here's how we can regulate.
00:02:47.199 --> 00:02:48.319
We're gonna box breathe.
00:02:48.479 --> 00:02:50.159
You guys remember talking about breathing?
00:02:50.400 --> 00:02:58.080
Breathe in for four, hold your breath for four, out for four, hold for four, and then we're gonna repeat.
00:02:58.639 --> 00:03:01.199
Picture a box in your brain, like a square.
00:03:01.439 --> 00:03:07.199
You can do a cold water reset, so you can go in the bathroom and splash cold water on your face.
00:03:07.360 --> 00:03:09.759
This will literally help calm your nervous system.
00:03:09.840 --> 00:03:10.719
Isn't that cool?
00:03:10.960 --> 00:03:15.199
You can move your body, do 10 push-ups, jump in place, shake your arms.
00:03:15.439 --> 00:03:18.319
Anger is energy and it needs somewhere to go.
00:03:18.560 --> 00:03:28.240
Then you can name your feeling instead of saying, I'm mad, try I felt ignored, I felt embarrassed, I felt left out, I felt like it wasn't fair.
00:03:28.479 --> 00:03:31.039
When you name the feeling, you can shrink it.
00:03:31.360 --> 00:03:36.400
Another tool, and this is the part most kids and adults skip, is repair.
00:03:36.639 --> 00:03:39.280
Repair is what keeps relationships strong.
00:03:39.520 --> 00:03:43.919
So here's a simple four-step repair formula that therapists often teach.
00:03:44.159 --> 00:03:45.759
You're gonna take ownership.
00:03:46.000 --> 00:03:48.960
I shouldn't have yelled, not while you started it.
00:03:49.199 --> 00:03:52.080
Ownership will build trust between the two of you.
00:03:52.319 --> 00:03:58.639
When you say what you feel, you say like I'm frustrated when you grabbed my game or took my toy.
00:03:58.800 --> 00:04:00.400
This is called an I statement.
00:04:00.479 --> 00:04:02.479
It lowers the defensiveness.
00:04:02.639 --> 00:04:05.680
And then you're gonna listen back to what they were saying.
00:04:05.919 --> 00:04:08.080
Let them talk without interrupting.
00:04:08.240 --> 00:04:12.319
You might hear, I thought you were done, or I didn't know you cared that much.
00:04:12.560 --> 00:04:17.199
And when you understand them and where they're coming from, it will help a lot.
00:04:17.920 --> 00:04:19.519
We're gonna end with a plan.
00:04:19.759 --> 00:04:24.319
Next time we will ask first, set a timer, take turns, or use a code word.
00:04:25.040 --> 00:04:30.240
Conflict without a plan will repeat, but conflict with a with a plan will build maturity.
00:04:31.360 --> 00:04:37.040
And some other important things to uh pay attention to is we're not gonna fight when we're hungry or tired.
00:04:37.199 --> 00:04:39.759
You need to pause and be like, whoa, am I hungry?
00:04:40.000 --> 00:04:42.399
Lonely, tired, what's my needs right now?
00:04:42.959 --> 00:04:56.079
You can create sibling agreements like when you're calm, set rules like no insults, knock before entering rooms, ask before borrowing, 10 minutes cool down, and you can decide all these things together.
00:04:56.319 --> 00:05:00.000
Another important thing to practice is just assume the best.
00:05:00.160 --> 00:05:03.360
Instead of thinking, oh, they're just trying to annoy me.
00:05:03.519 --> 00:05:07.920
Maybe you can try saying, Oh, I don't know if they realize this or that.
00:05:08.079 --> 00:05:10.879
Most sibling fights are just misunderstandings.
00:05:11.759 --> 00:05:14.879
And just remember that you guys are on the same team.
00:05:15.120 --> 00:05:16.879
You won't live together forever.
00:05:17.040 --> 00:05:22.000
One day you'll be adults and you'll need each other and you'll share memories like no one else has.
00:05:22.240 --> 00:05:23.839
So we're gonna protect that bond.
00:05:23.920 --> 00:05:26.240
I think that sounds pretty important, doesn't it?
00:05:27.439 --> 00:05:29.439
So here's my story for you guys today.
00:05:29.519 --> 00:05:32.240
Let me tell you about two brothers, Jake and Owen.
00:05:32.399 --> 00:05:34.800
They fought constantly about video games.
00:05:34.959 --> 00:05:38.240
One day it exploded, yelling and door slamming.
00:05:38.480 --> 00:05:43.920
Their mom didn't punish them immediately, she just said, pause, regulate, repair.
00:05:44.399 --> 00:05:46.480
Jake went outside and did push-ups.
00:05:46.720 --> 00:05:48.959
Owen sat on his bed and cried a little bit.
00:05:49.120 --> 00:05:53.759
Twenty minutes later, Jake said, I shouldn't have shoved you, I was just frustrated.
00:05:54.079 --> 00:05:57.360
Owen said, I shouldn't have changed the level without asking.
00:05:57.519 --> 00:05:58.480
They made a plan.
00:05:58.720 --> 00:06:04.959
30-minute turns, timer set, no touching the controller controller during the other person's turn.
00:06:05.199 --> 00:06:06.399
And did they fight again?
00:06:06.639 --> 00:06:07.279
Yes.
00:06:08.160 --> 00:06:09.439
But not as big.
00:06:09.759 --> 00:06:12.480
Because now they had tools to solve conflict.
00:06:12.720 --> 00:06:16.800
So here's what I want you to remember: fighting doesn't mean that you don't love each other.
00:06:16.879 --> 00:06:18.319
It just means you're still learning.
00:06:18.480 --> 00:06:22.800
And when we walk away, that's maturity, and when you calm your body, that's strength.
00:06:23.040 --> 00:06:25.199
Repairing later, that's leadership.
00:06:25.439 --> 00:06:28.079
You don't have to be the loudest and you don't have to win.
00:06:28.160 --> 00:06:33.199
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is just I need a minute, and then come back later.
00:06:33.439 --> 00:06:35.839
Okay, I hope this episode helped you guys.
00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:45.199
If so, share it with your siblings and your friends and everybody you love because being on the same team feels way better than being at war with each other, right?
00:06:46.000 --> 00:06:48.480
Okay, I'll see you guys next time on MindSnacks.
00:06:48.560 --> 00:06:50.480
Thanks for being here, and I'll talk to you soon.
00:06:50.720 --> 00:06:51.279
Bye.
