WEBVTT
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What are you feeding your mind right now?
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If it's social media, are you tired of doom scrolling through the angry comment sections and political rants yet?
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What if you use that time to actually fix your marriage?
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Welcome to the free married and connected school community.
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It's like social media, but without the ads, without the judgment, and without the noise.
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Just real self-paced tools that get you out of that roommate phase starting today.
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Inside, you get an exact blueprint for a weekly State of the Union meeting with your spouse.
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We're cutting mental load, we're stopping miscommunications, and we're breaking that exhausting loop of doom argument once and for all.
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Plus, you get instant access to workshops on overcoming resentment and bringing the actual fun back into your marriage.
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We have a dedicated space just for guys jumping into forging fortitude.
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It's a 10-week intensive to help you step into your masculine leadership and become the husband and man that God called you to be.
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And for ladies joining Edifying Eden, we're stepping out of that controlling, nagging era into our soft, nurturing feminine era.
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Even if your husband hasn't taken the reins yet.
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Either way, you can take responsibility for your side of the street.
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Stop scrolling the internet and start investing in your home.
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The community is 100% free with options to purchase certain courses.
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Click the link in the show notes and join the Married and Connected school community today.
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I'll see you inside.
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Marriage isn't supposed to feel like roommates, but it doesn't have to feel like a war either.
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Hi, I'm Cameron Alaricki, certified marriage coach and a relationship expert.
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Every week on Married and Connected, I bring you real talk, hard truths, and practical tools you can start using right away.
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Whether you've been married two years or 42, this is where you'll find hope, encouragement, and steps that actually work.
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So let's make your marriage feel good again, starting right now.
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Hey friend, welcome back to another episode of the Married and Connected podcast.
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I'm your host, Cameron Alaricki.
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Let me ask you a question.
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Have you ever looked at your husband or your wife or your teenage child and been like, why?
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Why is it that you cannot plan or organize?
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Why are you so impulsive?
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Why does your brain not work the same way that my brain does?
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Is this an issue for you?
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Because it is for a lot of marriages.
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It is plaguing a lot of marriages and a lot of parenting.
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And today we are going to jump into that.
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It is a deep dive on executive functioning.
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This is the hidden skill that is making or breaking your marriage.
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And we are going to cover exactly what it is, how it shows up in your marriages, the good, the frustrating, and the painful, why it feels like so many of us are struggling with it these days, and evidence-based ways to improve it.
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And most importantly, how strengthening these skills, because they are learned, turns you into not only a better human, but a better spouse.
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As always, I am pulling straight from the leading experts, neuroscientist Dr.
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Adele Diamond, psychologist Dr.
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Peg Dawson, and Dr.
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Richard Guarre, authors of Executive Skills in Children and Adolescents and Smart But Scattered, Dr.
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Russell Barclay and Dr.
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Thomas E.
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Brown on Executive Functions and ADHD, the Harvard Center on the Developing Child, and research from the Cleveland Clinic and UCSF Memory and Aging Center.
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As always, no fluff, no social media takes, just solid medical and psychological research that you can trust.
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And by the end, I hope that you are going to be able to see yourself and your partner a little bit more clearly, maybe have a little bit more compassion, maybe a little bit more humility, and you're going to have all the practical tools that you need in order to start implementing them tonight to help your executive functioning.
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So, first, what exactly is executive functioning?
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This is a word that you're starting to hear a little bit more often.
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And Dr.
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Adele Diamond, who is a leading neuroscientist, describes executive functions as the mental skills that allow us to mentally play with ideas, take the time to think before acting, and meet novel challenges, resist temptations, and stay focused.
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So this is basically your brain's air traffic control center.
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The higher order processes that help you manage information, make decisions, plan ahead, regulate your thoughts, emotions, and actions so that you can reach goals.
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If you have a lower executive functioning, whenever your spouse or you come to your spouse, whenever something is said between the two of you of, hey, let's sit down and have our weekly marriage business meeting.
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Hey, let's plan that trip.
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Let's do the budget.
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Let's figure out or organize our calendar.
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Things like that.
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And that tightness in your chest.
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And they're like, uh, I gotta do anything else.
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Clean out the garage.
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I gotta go to the gym.
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I gotta, whatever the case may be, this is that.
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The lack of executive functioning makes people panic when they have to organize or plan or anything like that.
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And at the core of executive functioning, here are the basic three foundational skills.
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First one is inhibitory control.
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Do they resist impulses?
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Do they ignore distractions?
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Do they stay in control of their emotions and behavior?
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Are they able to do that?
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Second one is working memory, holding information in their mind while also using it.
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Does it feel like you have to tell them a thousand times before they finally get something?
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Does it feel like they just are not understanding what you're saying?
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Like they just don't get it.
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Like remembering what your spouse said about dinner plans while you're also thinking about the kids' homework.
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Is that a possibility?
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Okay, are they able to do that?
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Do they have a working memory that functions well?
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Third one is cognitive flexibility.
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We're talking when there's a glitch in the matrix of the day, do they shift gears?
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Are they able to see things from another person's perspective?
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Are they able to adapt when plans change without absolutely losing their marbles or taking two or three hours or even an entire day to actually shift those gears?
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From there, experts like Dawson and Guar break it down into 11 practical executive skills that show up every single day.
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And here's the 11: response inhibition, working memory, emotional control, flexibility, not in your body, but in are you able to be flexible during the day, sustained attention, task initiation, planning and prioritization, organization, time management, goal-directed persistence, and metacognition, as in are they able to think about what they're thinking?
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Okay, these are not personality traits or willpower.
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They are neurologically based skills that are centered in the prefrontal cortex.
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And they are what let us turn good intentions into real actions.
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So if your partner or if your child is constantly saying, Yeah, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna get to that, I'm gonna be this, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, but it never actually comes to fruition, this is the problem.
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They have an executive functioning skill issue.
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So here's how it also shows up in marriage, okay?
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When you have strong executive functioning, it shows up as teamwork that really feels effortless.
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You and your spouse plan a weekend away without any last-minute chaos.
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One of you notices, big key word there, notices that the other is overwhelmed and steps in to handle bedtime without being asked.
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You remember to follow through on the promise that you made last week.
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And when plans change, you adapt together instead of arguing.
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Emotional regulation stays online.
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You can pause, you can breathe, and you can respond instead of reacting.
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The mental load feels shared, not lopsided or one-sided.
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But when executive functioning is weak or mismatched between partners, it creates patterns that feel painfully familiar to so many couples that I coach.
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Take task initiation, for example, or time management.
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One spouse might struggle to start chores or follow through with plans.
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The other one comes home to a sink full of dishes, kids' backpacks that are still unpacked, a calendar that's never updated.
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The partner with the stronger EF or executive functioning ends up carrying the mental load.
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Reminding, planning, feeling like a parent instead of a partner, picking up the slack all the time.
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And over time, that creates a ton of resentment.
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Why do I have to be the one to think of everything?
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Why do I have to be the one to carry all the mental load?
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Why do I have to be the one that does everything all the time?
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Okay, now let's look at emotional control and flexibility.
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A spouse with weaker inhibitory control might blurt out frustration and the hate of the moment.
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God, you never listen.
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Without pausing to consider their tone, their timing, the other partner feels attacked, shuts down, conversation spirals.
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Now, working memory issue shows up when one spouse forgets details from a conversation that you had yesterday.
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This is why you're constantly, if you have the higher EF, you're looking at your partner going, Are you serious right now?
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We literally just talked about this.
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It's not that they have on early onset dementia.
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It's not that they're not listening, it's not that they don't care.
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It's that they have weak EF.
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And yes, it does leave you feeling unseen, unimportant, not cared about, things like this.
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But when we assign that meaning, we're actually assigning a meaning that it doesn't really mean.
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What we really, what it really means is that our partner just has low executive functioning.
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This cognitive inflexibility makes it really hard to pivot when the kid's schedule changes or your partner suggests a different approach to money or parenting or something like that.
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Dr.
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Thomas E.
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Brown describes these patterns in couples where one or both have ADHD level executive function challenging.
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So Dr.
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Thomas E.
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Brown describes these patterns in couples where one or both partners have ADHD level executive function challenges.
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Forgetfulness leads to missed commitments, disorganization creates chaos around shared responsibilities, poor emotional regulation turns like really small issues into big conflicts.
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And what's fascinating to me is that research on ADHD in marriage shows that couples often experience higher conflict, lower intimacy, and that parent-child dynamic that I was talking about just a minute ago, where one spouse feels like they're managing a teenager instead of married to a partner with equal value.
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I've seen it in my own life.
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I've seen it with couples that I've coached over the last eight years.
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One husband told me, I love her, but every night it is the same exact fight about the dishes because I just don't start them.
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His wife feels exhausted from always being the manager, and he feels exhausted from constantly having the monkey on his back.
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Another wife that I was working with described lying awake at night and she just replays the day because her working memory just keeps her constantly mentally reviewing unfinished tasks while her husband's over there asleep.
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He fell asleep, you know, two minutes after his head hit the pillow.
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He's already moved on.
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This is where to-do lists, people with low executive functioning, live and die by to-do list.
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And if you're not on the to-do list, so they literally have to have check-in with wife, check-in with spouse, check-in with child, like every third thing on their to-do list.
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Because if you're not on the to-do list, you don't get the attention that you need.
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And this is where the person with the higher EF in the marriage feels unloved, unwanted, undesired, not thought about, uncared for, unseen, unheard, not valued.
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All of these things.
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Do you see how the marriage can quickly dwindle?
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These aren't character flaws.
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They're executive function mismatches that quietly erode your connection.
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So why does it feel like so many people are struggling with executive functioning these days?
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Well, experts point to increased cognitive demands of modern life.
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The Harvard Center on Developing Child notes that today's world requires more planning, multitasking, and constant adaptation than ever before.
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We're juggling work and parenting and finances and technology.
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Are you hydrated enough and are you eating the right things?
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But social media says that you're not eating the right things, but another social media site says that you are eating the right things.
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Which one's right, which one's not?
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Chronic stress, which research shows impairs the prefrontal cortex, further taxes these skills.
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Poor sleep, high mental load from constant notifications.
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The pace of daily life makes it all harder for the brain's air traffic control system to keep up.
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Now, in all of these, especially if you are a pilot wife, did you just see your pilot husband in all of these?
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Dr.
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Adele Diamond's work highlights that executive functions are highly malleable.
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They can be strengthened, but they're also vulnerable when life overloads the system.
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Here's the good news executive functioning can actually be improved at any age.
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Dawson and Guar's research-based approach shows that with the right strategies, these skills grow through practice, just like building any other muscle.
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So here's how you strengthen them in your marriage.
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First, start small and consistent.
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Environmental supports.
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Make the invisible visible.
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Shared calendars, visual checklists on the fridge for household tasks, phone reminders that ping both of you.
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Reduce the decision fatigue by creating routines.
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For example, a Sunday evening 10-minute planning meeting where you review the week together.
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I have a template, a free template for that in my school community under resources if you're interested in that.
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And these work for your kids too.
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A picture schedule for littler kids, task lists for older kids.
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Second, direct teaching and practice.
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Break big tasks into tiny steps and then rehearse them.
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If task initiation is a struggle, agree on a body double technique.
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So sit together where one of you starts the tour, the other one offers gentle encouragement.
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This is gonna feel kind of condescending.
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It's gonna feel like you have a small child, but for working memory, repeat and confirm habit is the key there.
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So after a conversation about plans, one of you says it back out loud so that both brains lock it in.
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It's helpful if the person with the lower EF is the one that repeats it back.
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Third, we're gonna build emotional regulation and flexibility with small pauses.
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Now, emotional sobriety training is the key here, but in the meantime, small pauses.
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Dr.
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Russell Barkley's work on inhibition emphasizes that practicing a 10-second pause before you react is huge.
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Now, this is gonna take some work because in the moment, when you want to respond, or when you're trying to respond just to respond instead of responding to listen, taking that 10-minute pause and remembering it is gonna be really difficult in the beginning.
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So, what I like to recommend is a name it to tame it tool.
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So when tension rises, say out loud, hey, I'm feeling flooded.
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Hey, I'm feeling really angry, I'm feeling sad right now.
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Can we take a breath and come back in five minutes?
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Over time, this strengthens that inhibitory control.
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Fourth, goal-directed persistence and metacognition.
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So that tiny shared goals.
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So this week we will have one date night together.
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This week we are going to organize half of the garage.
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This week we have soccer practice Monday, tennis meet on Tuesday, and taekwondo on Friday.
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Review what works and what doesn't.
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This coaching, where one partner can gently prompt the other without taking over, is huge.
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But the biggest thing, and you guys are gonna hate me for saying this, but it's consistency.
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Consistency is the key here.
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Five to 10 minutes a day of focused practice compounds real change.
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This is, we live 95% of our lives on autopilot.
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This is how you come home from your job, you go through the stoplight, you get to your driveway, and you're like, man, I don't even remember going through that stoplight, but I know I did because that's how I get home every single day.
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That's the 95% that we live on autopilot.
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We have 60,000 thoughts, and 80% of them are exact same thoughts that we had yesterday.
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Am I getting enough water?
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Do I need electrolytes?
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What are we having for dinner?
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Those things over and over and over.
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When we consciously get into that 5% of our day, that 5% where we are cognitive and no longer on autopilot, but actually consciously thinking about what we're doing and we have consistency in that, that is what increases our executive functioning.
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So when you improve that executive functioning, everything else shifts for you as a person, for you as a spouse, for you as a parent.
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And as individuals, a stronger EF means better self-control, clearer thinking, less overwhelm, and more confidence.
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You follow through on what matters.
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You regulate emotions instead of being ruled by them.
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You're able to not just manage but thrive in relationships that once felt really hard and overwhelming.
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You handle life's curveballs and glitches in the matrix with flexibility.
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Research from the Cleveland Clinic and UCSF shows that this leads to better overall health, lower stress, and a reported greater life satisfaction.
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In marriage, it is absolutely transformative.
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You share the mental load instead of resenting it.
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Instead of showing up and saying, How can I help you?
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You notice things that need to be done and just do them without being asked.
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And that increases trust, it increases connection, and it increases emotional intimacy.
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Conflict decreases because not only do you repair faster and listen better, you're also more connected.
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Intimacy grows.
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Emotional safety returns because you both feel seen, supported, capable, and all of those feelings of I'm not loved, I'm not wanted, desired, seen, heard, understood, et cetera, all of that comes back because now you do feel those.
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You become true teammates who plan and dream and adapt together instead of one of you feeling like you're doing all the work and your partner's just coming along for the ride.
00:20:09.759 --> 00:20:19.200
Couples who strengthen these skills report higher satisfaction, deeper friendship, which is the absolute key to all marriages.
00:20:19.519 --> 00:20:21.359
Friendship, trust, and commitment.
00:20:21.680 --> 00:20:30.000
Well, the commitment you've already got, the trust is rebuilt through higher executive functioning, and your friendship is deepened.
00:20:31.119 --> 00:20:31.759
Win.
00:20:32.079 --> 00:20:34.799
Win, win, win, win, win all the way around.
00:20:35.279 --> 00:20:49.519
And marriage that feels like a safe haven instead of another item on your to-do list, you don't actually have to write, check in with wife, check in with husband, be a parent on your to-do list because you're just doing it.
00:20:51.119 --> 00:20:52.400
Now hear me on this.
00:20:52.559 --> 00:21:00.559
Executive functioning is not about being perfect, it is about showing up with intention and the right tools.
00:21:01.279 --> 00:21:10.079
You and your spouse can build these skills together and create the connected, thriving marriage that you both want.
00:21:11.359 --> 00:21:21.599
Now, if this episode hits home and you are thinking, man, we could really use some personalized guidance to make these changes stick, I would be honored to help.
00:21:21.920 --> 00:21:30.960
I am looking for five new couples to start coaching with me between April 15th and May 1st of 2026.
00:21:32.400 --> 00:21:51.519
If that is you and you are interested in being one of those couples, head to my website, www.recognizingpotential.com, or you can click the link in the show notes to book a free 30-minute consultation that is just an honest conversation, no pressure between you and me and your spouse.
00:21:51.680 --> 00:21:59.759
And we can talk about coaching, what it looks like, what it feels like, how it's wildly different than therapy and counseling, and how it can help you.
00:22:01.200 --> 00:22:06.880
But also, my school community is a possible next step.
00:22:07.519 --> 00:22:13.599
In the school community, men are learning healthy, strong masculinity traits to be leaders at home.
00:22:13.839 --> 00:22:18.640
Women are learning to walk in their soft feminine strength as Proverbs 31 wives.
00:22:18.799 --> 00:22:23.039
And we do this work together, both practically and with faith.
00:22:23.359 --> 00:22:24.960
Check out the links in the show notes.
00:22:25.680 --> 00:22:39.039
Also, if this episode resonated with you or you feel like your spouse could benefit from this information, share this episode on your socials, share it with your spouse, tag me at married.and.connected.
00:22:39.200 --> 00:22:41.680
Until next week, stay married and connected.
00:22:43.680 --> 00:22:44.799
We've all seen it.
00:22:44.960 --> 00:22:57.440
The messy social media messages, the public tea spilling, and the absolute embarrassment of finding out that your life is a lie through a Facebook post or an Instagram message that your spouse thought was hidden.
00:22:57.680 --> 00:22:59.759
What if it didn't have to be like that though?
00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:03.680
What if you could find out before their affair got too deep?
00:23:03.839 --> 00:23:08.319
Statistics show that over 20% of marriages deal with infidelity.
00:23:08.480 --> 00:23:12.640
And most affairs last for years because they thrive in the dark.
00:23:12.799 --> 00:23:14.480
It's time to turn the lights on.
00:23:14.799 --> 00:23:19.680
Verified.com is the world's first searchable relationship registry.
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It's not just an app, it's a digital boundary for your marriage.
00:23:24.319 --> 00:23:33.519
When you register your spouse on verified, you are claiming your relationship on a global scale, whether you're talking, you're dating, or you're married.
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If another man or woman is being told your spouse is single or divorced and they search for your spouse on the registry, they find you instead.
00:23:42.400 --> 00:23:44.079
Now here's the game changer.
00:23:44.319 --> 00:23:48.559
Verified allows you to speak one-on-one and directly with that other person.
00:23:48.799 --> 00:23:50.799
No gaslighting from your spouse.
00:23:51.039 --> 00:23:54.799
No, he said, she said, no, oh my God, you went through my phone.
00:23:54.960 --> 00:23:57.039
How could you betray my trust like that?
00:23:57.279 --> 00:23:59.599
And zero social media drama.
00:23:59.839 --> 00:24:03.839
Just the truth, person to person, before things go too far.
00:24:04.079 --> 00:24:07.200
Don't wait for that gut feeling to become a nightmare.
00:24:07.279 --> 00:24:13.519
Because even if you think your spouse would never, there's an even better chance that you just never know.
00:24:13.759 --> 00:24:19.359
Register your spouse today using the link in the show notes and lock in your legacy to protect your peace.
00:24:21.599 --> 00:24:27.119
This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy.
00:24:27.359 --> 00:24:30.559
Every couple story is unique, so take what's helpful and leave the rest.
00:24:30.799 --> 00:24:41.359
By listening to this podcast, you acknowledge that neither I, Cameron Thompson, Alaricki, married and connected, or recognizing potential coaching are responsible for any outcomes related to what you apply from this show.
00:24:41.599 --> 00:24:43.680
Especially if you are not a client of mine.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.439
What are you feeding your mind right now?
00:00:01.600 --> 00:00:07.200
If it's social media, are you tired of doom scrolling through the angry comment sections and political rants yet?
00:00:07.440 --> 00:00:10.160
What if you use that time to actually fix your marriage?
00:00:10.320 --> 00:00:13.439
Welcome to the free married and connected school community.
00:00:13.599 --> 00:00:18.640
It's like social media, but without the ads, without the judgment, and without the noise.
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Inside, you get an exact blueprint for a weekly State of the Union meeting with your spouse.
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We're cutting mental load, we're stopping miscommunications, and we're breaking that exhausting loop of doom argument once and for all.
00:00:35.920 --> 00:00:42.320
Plus, you get instant access to workshops on overcoming resentment and bringing the actual fun back into your marriage.
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We have a dedicated space just for guys jumping into forging fortitude.
00:00:46.960 --> 00:00:53.359
It's a 10-week intensive to help you step into your masculine leadership and become the husband and man that God called you to be.
00:00:53.520 --> 00:01:01.280
And for ladies joining Edifying Eden, we're stepping out of that controlling, nagging era into our soft, nurturing feminine era.
00:01:01.600 --> 00:01:04.159
Even if your husband hasn't taken the reins yet.
00:01:04.400 --> 00:01:07.920
Either way, you can take responsibility for your side of the street.
00:01:08.079 --> 00:01:11.519
Stop scrolling the internet and start investing in your home.
00:01:11.680 --> 00:01:15.599
The community is 100% free with options to purchase certain courses.
00:01:15.760 --> 00:01:19.359
Click the link in the show notes and join the Married and Connected school community today.
00:01:19.439 --> 00:01:20.239
I'll see you inside.
00:01:20.400 --> 00:01:24.079
Marriage isn't supposed to feel like roommates, but it doesn't have to feel like a war either.
00:01:24.239 --> 00:01:28.159
Hi, I'm Cameron Alaricki, certified marriage coach and a relationship expert.
00:01:28.319 --> 00:01:34.480
Every week on Married and Connected, I bring you real talk, hard truths, and practical tools you can start using right away.
00:01:34.719 --> 00:01:40.879
Whether you've been married two years or 42, this is where you'll find hope, encouragement, and steps that actually work.
00:01:41.120 --> 00:01:44.719
So let's make your marriage feel good again, starting right now.
00:01:46.640 --> 00:01:50.079
Hey friend, welcome back to another episode of the Married and Connected podcast.
00:01:50.159 --> 00:01:52.159
I'm your host, Cameron Alaricki.
00:01:52.319 --> 00:01:54.000
Let me ask you a question.
00:01:54.319 --> 00:02:00.959
Have you ever looked at your husband or your wife or your teenage child and been like, why?
00:02:01.840 --> 00:02:05.760
Why is it that you cannot plan or organize?
00:02:05.920 --> 00:02:07.760
Why are you so impulsive?
00:02:08.159 --> 00:02:13.439
Why does your brain not work the same way that my brain does?
00:02:14.080 --> 00:02:15.919
Is this an issue for you?
00:02:16.159 --> 00:02:18.240
Because it is for a lot of marriages.
00:02:18.319 --> 00:02:20.879
It is plaguing a lot of marriages and a lot of parenting.
00:02:21.039 --> 00:02:23.039
And today we are going to jump into that.
00:02:23.280 --> 00:02:26.479
It is a deep dive on executive functioning.
00:02:26.639 --> 00:02:30.879
This is the hidden skill that is making or breaking your marriage.
00:02:30.960 --> 00:02:44.560
And we are going to cover exactly what it is, how it shows up in your marriages, the good, the frustrating, and the painful, why it feels like so many of us are struggling with it these days, and evidence-based ways to improve it.
00:02:44.639 --> 00:02:55.039
And most importantly, how strengthening these skills, because they are learned, turns you into not only a better human, but a better spouse.
00:02:55.439 --> 00:03:00.400
As always, I am pulling straight from the leading experts, neuroscientist Dr.
00:03:00.560 --> 00:03:03.039
Adele Diamond, psychologist Dr.
00:03:03.120 --> 00:03:04.719
Peg Dawson, and Dr.
00:03:04.800 --> 00:03:11.840
Richard Guarre, authors of Executive Skills in Children and Adolescents and Smart But Scattered, Dr.
00:03:11.919 --> 00:03:13.759
Russell Barclay and Dr.
00:03:13.840 --> 00:03:14.319
Thomas E.
00:03:14.479 --> 00:03:24.560
Brown on Executive Functions and ADHD, the Harvard Center on the Developing Child, and research from the Cleveland Clinic and UCSF Memory and Aging Center.
00:03:25.039 --> 00:03:32.319
As always, no fluff, no social media takes, just solid medical and psychological research that you can trust.
00:03:32.400 --> 00:03:50.479
And by the end, I hope that you are going to be able to see yourself and your partner a little bit more clearly, maybe have a little bit more compassion, maybe a little bit more humility, and you're going to have all the practical tools that you need in order to start implementing them tonight to help your executive functioning.
00:03:50.639 --> 00:03:53.599
So, first, what exactly is executive functioning?
00:03:53.759 --> 00:03:56.719
This is a word that you're starting to hear a little bit more often.
00:03:56.879 --> 00:03:57.360
And Dr.
00:03:57.520 --> 00:04:12.479
Adele Diamond, who is a leading neuroscientist, describes executive functions as the mental skills that allow us to mentally play with ideas, take the time to think before acting, and meet novel challenges, resist temptations, and stay focused.
00:04:12.639 --> 00:04:16.000
So this is basically your brain's air traffic control center.
00:04:16.240 --> 00:04:25.279
The higher order processes that help you manage information, make decisions, plan ahead, regulate your thoughts, emotions, and actions so that you can reach goals.
00:04:25.519 --> 00:04:39.839
If you have a lower executive functioning, whenever your spouse or you come to your spouse, whenever something is said between the two of you of, hey, let's sit down and have our weekly marriage business meeting.
00:04:40.000 --> 00:04:42.240
Hey, let's plan that trip.
00:04:42.399 --> 00:04:44.079
Let's do the budget.
00:04:44.319 --> 00:04:47.360
Let's figure out or organize our calendar.
00:04:47.519 --> 00:04:48.319
Things like that.
00:04:48.399 --> 00:04:49.839
And that tightness in your chest.
00:04:49.920 --> 00:04:54.720
And they're like, uh, I gotta do anything else.
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Clean out the garage.
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I gotta go to the gym.
00:04:59.920 --> 00:05:03.360
I gotta, whatever the case may be, this is that.
00:05:03.519 --> 00:05:11.040
The lack of executive functioning makes people panic when they have to organize or plan or anything like that.
00:05:11.199 --> 00:05:15.360
And at the core of executive functioning, here are the basic three foundational skills.
00:05:15.600 --> 00:05:17.600
First one is inhibitory control.
00:05:18.240 --> 00:05:20.480
Do they resist impulses?
00:05:20.720 --> 00:05:22.639
Do they ignore distractions?
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Do they stay in control of their emotions and behavior?
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Are they able to do that?
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Second one is working memory, holding information in their mind while also using it.
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Does it feel like you have to tell them a thousand times before they finally get something?
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Does it feel like they just are not understanding what you're saying?
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Like they just don't get it.
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Like remembering what your spouse said about dinner plans while you're also thinking about the kids' homework.
00:05:54.160 --> 00:05:56.160
Is that a possibility?
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Okay, are they able to do that?
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Do they have a working memory that functions well?
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Third one is cognitive flexibility.
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We're talking when there's a glitch in the matrix of the day, do they shift gears?
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Are they able to see things from another person's perspective?
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Are they able to adapt when plans change without absolutely losing their marbles or taking two or three hours or even an entire day to actually shift those gears?
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From there, experts like Dawson and Guar break it down into 11 practical executive skills that show up every single day.
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And here's the 11: response inhibition, working memory, emotional control, flexibility, not in your body, but in are you able to be flexible during the day, sustained attention, task initiation, planning and prioritization, organization, time management, goal-directed persistence, and metacognition, as in are they able to think about what they're thinking?
00:07:02.000 --> 00:07:05.839
Okay, these are not personality traits or willpower.
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They are neurologically based skills that are centered in the prefrontal cortex.
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And they are what let us turn good intentions into real actions.
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So if your partner or if your child is constantly saying, Yeah, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna get to that, I'm gonna be this, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, but it never actually comes to fruition, this is the problem.
00:07:32.240 --> 00:07:34.560
They have an executive functioning skill issue.
00:07:34.720 --> 00:07:36.879
So here's how it also shows up in marriage, okay?
00:07:37.120 --> 00:07:42.720
When you have strong executive functioning, it shows up as teamwork that really feels effortless.
00:07:42.959 --> 00:07:46.959
You and your spouse plan a weekend away without any last-minute chaos.
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One of you notices, big key word there, notices that the other is overwhelmed and steps in to handle bedtime without being asked.
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You remember to follow through on the promise that you made last week.
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And when plans change, you adapt together instead of arguing.
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Emotional regulation stays online.
00:08:07.680 --> 00:08:12.800
You can pause, you can breathe, and you can respond instead of reacting.
00:08:13.120 --> 00:08:18.000
The mental load feels shared, not lopsided or one-sided.
00:08:18.240 --> 00:08:29.759
But when executive functioning is weak or mismatched between partners, it creates patterns that feel painfully familiar to so many couples that I coach.
00:08:30.240 --> 00:08:33.519
Take task initiation, for example, or time management.
00:08:33.759 --> 00:08:37.919
One spouse might struggle to start chores or follow through with plans.
00:08:38.159 --> 00:08:44.559
The other one comes home to a sink full of dishes, kids' backpacks that are still unpacked, a calendar that's never updated.
00:08:44.799 --> 00:08:50.000
The partner with the stronger EF or executive functioning ends up carrying the mental load.
00:08:50.320 --> 00:08:56.960
Reminding, planning, feeling like a parent instead of a partner, picking up the slack all the time.
00:08:57.200 --> 00:09:00.960
And over time, that creates a ton of resentment.
00:09:01.200 --> 00:09:03.679
Why do I have to be the one to think of everything?
00:09:03.919 --> 00:09:06.480
Why do I have to be the one to carry all the mental load?
00:09:06.720 --> 00:09:09.759
Why do I have to be the one that does everything all the time?
00:09:10.320 --> 00:09:13.600
Okay, now let's look at emotional control and flexibility.
00:09:13.840 --> 00:09:19.200
A spouse with weaker inhibitory control might blurt out frustration and the hate of the moment.
00:09:19.440 --> 00:09:21.120
God, you never listen.
00:09:21.519 --> 00:09:30.720
Without pausing to consider their tone, their timing, the other partner feels attacked, shuts down, conversation spirals.
00:09:31.039 --> 00:09:37.759
Now, working memory issue shows up when one spouse forgets details from a conversation that you had yesterday.
00:09:37.919 --> 00:09:43.919
This is why you're constantly, if you have the higher EF, you're looking at your partner going, Are you serious right now?
00:09:44.080 --> 00:09:45.919
We literally just talked about this.
00:09:46.159 --> 00:09:48.960
It's not that they have on early onset dementia.
00:09:49.039 --> 00:09:51.600
It's not that they're not listening, it's not that they don't care.
00:09:51.840 --> 00:09:53.519
It's that they have weak EF.
00:09:53.600 --> 00:10:00.320
And yes, it does leave you feeling unseen, unimportant, not cared about, things like this.
00:10:00.480 --> 00:10:06.080
But when we assign that meaning, we're actually assigning a meaning that it doesn't really mean.
00:10:06.320 --> 00:10:11.759
What we really, what it really means is that our partner just has low executive functioning.
00:10:12.159 --> 00:10:25.519
This cognitive inflexibility makes it really hard to pivot when the kid's schedule changes or your partner suggests a different approach to money or parenting or something like that.
00:10:25.840 --> 00:10:26.159
Dr.
00:10:26.320 --> 00:10:26.879
Thomas E.
00:10:27.120 --> 00:10:33.759
Brown describes these patterns in couples where one or both have ADHD level executive function challenging.
00:10:34.799 --> 00:10:35.519
So Dr.
00:10:35.600 --> 00:10:36.159
Thomas E.
00:10:36.320 --> 00:10:43.200
Brown describes these patterns in couples where one or both partners have ADHD level executive function challenges.
00:10:43.360 --> 00:10:56.000
Forgetfulness leads to missed commitments, disorganization creates chaos around shared responsibilities, poor emotional regulation turns like really small issues into big conflicts.
00:10:56.159 --> 00:11:14.639
And what's fascinating to me is that research on ADHD in marriage shows that couples often experience higher conflict, lower intimacy, and that parent-child dynamic that I was talking about just a minute ago, where one spouse feels like they're managing a teenager instead of married to a partner with equal value.
00:11:14.720 --> 00:11:15.840
I've seen it in my own life.
00:11:15.919 --> 00:11:18.799
I've seen it with couples that I've coached over the last eight years.
00:11:18.960 --> 00:11:28.240
One husband told me, I love her, but every night it is the same exact fight about the dishes because I just don't start them.
00:11:28.960 --> 00:11:36.559
His wife feels exhausted from always being the manager, and he feels exhausted from constantly having the monkey on his back.
00:11:37.600 --> 00:11:50.799
Another wife that I was working with described lying awake at night and she just replays the day because her working memory just keeps her constantly mentally reviewing unfinished tasks while her husband's over there asleep.
00:11:50.879 --> 00:11:54.000
He fell asleep, you know, two minutes after his head hit the pillow.
00:11:54.159 --> 00:11:55.759
He's already moved on.
00:11:56.320 --> 00:12:02.159
This is where to-do lists, people with low executive functioning, live and die by to-do list.
00:12:02.240 --> 00:12:14.480
And if you're not on the to-do list, so they literally have to have check-in with wife, check-in with spouse, check-in with child, like every third thing on their to-do list.
00:12:14.559 --> 00:12:18.639
Because if you're not on the to-do list, you don't get the attention that you need.
00:12:18.799 --> 00:12:35.360
And this is where the person with the higher EF in the marriage feels unloved, unwanted, undesired, not thought about, uncared for, unseen, unheard, not valued.
00:12:36.080 --> 00:12:37.120
All of these things.
00:12:37.360 --> 00:12:39.759
Do you see how the marriage can quickly dwindle?
00:12:41.600 --> 00:12:43.600
These aren't character flaws.
00:12:44.240 --> 00:12:49.200
They're executive function mismatches that quietly erode your connection.
00:12:50.000 --> 00:12:56.000
So why does it feel like so many people are struggling with executive functioning these days?
00:12:56.240 --> 00:13:00.559
Well, experts point to increased cognitive demands of modern life.
00:13:00.879 --> 00:13:09.679
The Harvard Center on Developing Child notes that today's world requires more planning, multitasking, and constant adaptation than ever before.
00:13:09.840 --> 00:13:13.039
We're juggling work and parenting and finances and technology.
00:13:13.279 --> 00:13:15.840
Are you hydrated enough and are you eating the right things?
00:13:16.000 --> 00:13:20.960
But social media says that you're not eating the right things, but another social media site says that you are eating the right things.
00:13:21.120 --> 00:13:23.120
Which one's right, which one's not?
00:13:23.759 --> 00:13:31.120
Chronic stress, which research shows impairs the prefrontal cortex, further taxes these skills.
00:13:32.080 --> 00:13:36.480
Poor sleep, high mental load from constant notifications.
00:13:36.799 --> 00:13:42.480
The pace of daily life makes it all harder for the brain's air traffic control system to keep up.
00:13:42.799 --> 00:13:50.639
Now, in all of these, especially if you are a pilot wife, did you just see your pilot husband in all of these?
00:13:50.720 --> 00:13:50.960
Dr.
00:13:51.039 --> 00:13:56.000
Adele Diamond's work highlights that executive functions are highly malleable.
00:13:56.159 --> 00:14:01.759
They can be strengthened, but they're also vulnerable when life overloads the system.
00:14:02.480 --> 00:14:08.000
Here's the good news executive functioning can actually be improved at any age.
00:14:08.320 --> 00:14:17.600
Dawson and Guar's research-based approach shows that with the right strategies, these skills grow through practice, just like building any other muscle.
00:14:17.919 --> 00:14:20.720
So here's how you strengthen them in your marriage.
00:14:21.120 --> 00:14:23.759
First, start small and consistent.
00:14:24.080 --> 00:14:25.679
Environmental supports.
00:14:25.919 --> 00:14:28.080
Make the invisible visible.
00:14:28.320 --> 00:14:36.480
Shared calendars, visual checklists on the fridge for household tasks, phone reminders that ping both of you.
00:14:36.960 --> 00:14:40.799
Reduce the decision fatigue by creating routines.
00:14:41.039 --> 00:14:45.519
For example, a Sunday evening 10-minute planning meeting where you review the week together.
00:14:45.679 --> 00:14:50.559
I have a template, a free template for that in my school community under resources if you're interested in that.
00:14:50.639 --> 00:14:52.639
And these work for your kids too.
00:14:52.960 --> 00:14:58.320
A picture schedule for littler kids, task lists for older kids.
00:14:59.519 --> 00:15:02.559
Second, direct teaching and practice.
00:15:02.879 --> 00:15:06.799
Break big tasks into tiny steps and then rehearse them.
00:15:07.039 --> 00:15:11.679
If task initiation is a struggle, agree on a body double technique.
00:15:11.840 --> 00:15:17.279
So sit together where one of you starts the tour, the other one offers gentle encouragement.
00:15:17.600 --> 00:15:19.840
This is gonna feel kind of condescending.
00:15:19.919 --> 00:15:27.360
It's gonna feel like you have a small child, but for working memory, repeat and confirm habit is the key there.
00:15:27.600 --> 00:15:34.480
So after a conversation about plans, one of you says it back out loud so that both brains lock it in.
00:15:34.639 --> 00:15:40.720
It's helpful if the person with the lower EF is the one that repeats it back.
00:15:41.759 --> 00:15:47.919
Third, we're gonna build emotional regulation and flexibility with small pauses.
00:15:48.480 --> 00:15:55.120
Now, emotional sobriety training is the key here, but in the meantime, small pauses.
00:15:55.600 --> 00:15:55.919
Dr.
00:15:56.000 --> 00:16:02.559
Russell Barkley's work on inhibition emphasizes that practicing a 10-second pause before you react is huge.
00:16:02.720 --> 00:16:17.840
Now, this is gonna take some work because in the moment, when you want to respond, or when you're trying to respond just to respond instead of responding to listen, taking that 10-minute pause and remembering it is gonna be really difficult in the beginning.
00:16:18.480 --> 00:16:22.559
So, what I like to recommend is a name it to tame it tool.
00:16:22.879 --> 00:16:27.919
So when tension rises, say out loud, hey, I'm feeling flooded.
00:16:28.159 --> 00:16:31.679
Hey, I'm feeling really angry, I'm feeling sad right now.
00:16:31.840 --> 00:16:34.480
Can we take a breath and come back in five minutes?
00:16:35.200 --> 00:16:38.799
Over time, this strengthens that inhibitory control.
00:16:39.759 --> 00:16:43.600
Fourth, goal-directed persistence and metacognition.
00:16:43.679 --> 00:16:45.759
So that tiny shared goals.
00:16:46.000 --> 00:16:49.360
So this week we will have one date night together.
00:16:49.679 --> 00:16:53.600
This week we are going to organize half of the garage.
00:16:54.000 --> 00:17:01.600
This week we have soccer practice Monday, tennis meet on Tuesday, and taekwondo on Friday.
00:17:02.399 --> 00:17:05.279
Review what works and what doesn't.
00:17:05.440 --> 00:17:10.960
This coaching, where one partner can gently prompt the other without taking over, is huge.
00:17:11.200 --> 00:17:16.559
But the biggest thing, and you guys are gonna hate me for saying this, but it's consistency.
00:17:16.960 --> 00:17:19.599
Consistency is the key here.
00:17:20.319 --> 00:17:25.920
Five to 10 minutes a day of focused practice compounds real change.
00:17:26.160 --> 00:17:29.759
This is, we live 95% of our lives on autopilot.
00:17:29.920 --> 00:17:39.599
This is how you come home from your job, you go through the stoplight, you get to your driveway, and you're like, man, I don't even remember going through that stoplight, but I know I did because that's how I get home every single day.
00:17:39.839 --> 00:17:42.799
That's the 95% that we live on autopilot.
00:17:42.880 --> 00:17:48.000
We have 60,000 thoughts, and 80% of them are exact same thoughts that we had yesterday.
00:17:48.319 --> 00:17:49.519
Am I getting enough water?
00:17:49.680 --> 00:17:50.960
Do I need electrolytes?
00:17:51.119 --> 00:17:52.640
What are we having for dinner?
00:17:53.200 --> 00:17:55.440
Those things over and over and over.
00:17:55.599 --> 00:18:12.880
When we consciously get into that 5% of our day, that 5% where we are cognitive and no longer on autopilot, but actually consciously thinking about what we're doing and we have consistency in that, that is what increases our executive functioning.
00:18:13.119 --> 00:18:22.640
So when you improve that executive functioning, everything else shifts for you as a person, for you as a spouse, for you as a parent.
00:18:23.119 --> 00:18:33.039
And as individuals, a stronger EF means better self-control, clearer thinking, less overwhelm, and more confidence.
00:18:33.279 --> 00:18:35.440
You follow through on what matters.
00:18:35.680 --> 00:18:38.640
You regulate emotions instead of being ruled by them.
00:18:38.880 --> 00:18:47.920
You're able to not just manage but thrive in relationships that once felt really hard and overwhelming.
00:18:48.240 --> 00:18:52.799
You handle life's curveballs and glitches in the matrix with flexibility.
00:18:52.960 --> 00:19:03.519
Research from the Cleveland Clinic and UCSF shows that this leads to better overall health, lower stress, and a reported greater life satisfaction.
00:19:03.839 --> 00:19:07.279
In marriage, it is absolutely transformative.
00:19:08.160 --> 00:19:11.920
You share the mental load instead of resenting it.
00:19:12.160 --> 00:19:15.359
Instead of showing up and saying, How can I help you?
00:19:15.759 --> 00:19:20.160
You notice things that need to be done and just do them without being asked.
00:19:20.480 --> 00:19:26.720
And that increases trust, it increases connection, and it increases emotional intimacy.
00:19:27.680 --> 00:19:36.000
Conflict decreases because not only do you repair faster and listen better, you're also more connected.
00:19:36.400 --> 00:19:37.839
Intimacy grows.
00:19:38.079 --> 00:19:55.599
Emotional safety returns because you both feel seen, supported, capable, and all of those feelings of I'm not loved, I'm not wanted, desired, seen, heard, understood, et cetera, all of that comes back because now you do feel those.
00:19:56.000 --> 00:20:08.640
You become true teammates who plan and dream and adapt together instead of one of you feeling like you're doing all the work and your partner's just coming along for the ride.
00:20:09.759 --> 00:20:19.200
Couples who strengthen these skills report higher satisfaction, deeper friendship, which is the absolute key to all marriages.
00:20:19.519 --> 00:20:21.359
Friendship, trust, and commitment.
00:20:21.680 --> 00:20:30.000
Well, the commitment you've already got, the trust is rebuilt through higher executive functioning, and your friendship is deepened.
00:20:31.119 --> 00:20:31.759
Win.
00:20:32.079 --> 00:20:34.799
Win, win, win, win, win all the way around.
00:20:35.279 --> 00:20:49.519
And marriage that feels like a safe haven instead of another item on your to-do list, you don't actually have to write, check in with wife, check in with husband, be a parent on your to-do list because you're just doing it.
00:20:51.119 --> 00:20:52.400
Now hear me on this.
00:20:52.559 --> 00:21:00.559
Executive functioning is not about being perfect, it is about showing up with intention and the right tools.
00:21:01.279 --> 00:21:10.079
You and your spouse can build these skills together and create the connected, thriving marriage that you both want.
00:21:11.359 --> 00:21:21.599
Now, if this episode hits home and you are thinking, man, we could really use some personalized guidance to make these changes stick, I would be honored to help.
00:21:21.920 --> 00:21:30.960
I am looking for five new couples to start coaching with me between April 15th and May 1st of 2026.
00:21:32.400 --> 00:21:51.519
If that is you and you are interested in being one of those couples, head to my website, www.recognizingpotential.com, or you can click the link in the show notes to book a free 30-minute consultation that is just an honest conversation, no pressure between you and me and your spouse.
00:21:51.680 --> 00:21:59.759
And we can talk about coaching, what it looks like, what it feels like, how it's wildly different than therapy and counseling, and how it can help you.
00:22:01.200 --> 00:22:06.880
But also, my school community is a possible next step.
00:22:07.519 --> 00:22:13.599
In the school community, men are learning healthy, strong masculinity traits to be leaders at home.
00:22:13.839 --> 00:22:18.640
Women are learning to walk in their soft feminine strength as Proverbs 31 wives.
00:22:18.799 --> 00:22:23.039
And we do this work together, both practically and with faith.
00:22:23.359 --> 00:22:24.960
Check out the links in the show notes.
00:22:25.680 --> 00:22:39.039
Also, if this episode resonated with you or you feel like your spouse could benefit from this information, share this episode on your socials, share it with your spouse, tag me at married.and.connected.
00:22:39.200 --> 00:22:41.680
Until next week, stay married and connected.
00:22:43.680 --> 00:22:44.799
We've all seen it.
00:22:44.960 --> 00:22:57.440
The messy social media messages, the public tea spilling, and the absolute embarrassment of finding out that your life is a lie through a Facebook post or an Instagram message that your spouse thought was hidden.
00:22:57.680 --> 00:22:59.759
What if it didn't have to be like that though?
00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:03.680
What if you could find out before their affair got too deep?
00:23:03.839 --> 00:23:08.319
Statistics show that over 20% of marriages deal with infidelity.
00:23:08.480 --> 00:23:12.640
And most affairs last for years because they thrive in the dark.
00:23:12.799 --> 00:23:14.480
It's time to turn the lights on.
00:23:14.799 --> 00:23:19.680
Verified.com is the world's first searchable relationship registry.
00:23:19.839 --> 00:23:24.079
It's not just an app, it's a digital boundary for your marriage.
00:23:24.319 --> 00:23:33.519
When you register your spouse on verified, you are claiming your relationship on a global scale, whether you're talking, you're dating, or you're married.
00:23:33.759 --> 00:23:42.160
If another man or woman is being told your spouse is single or divorced and they search for your spouse on the registry, they find you instead.
00:23:42.400 --> 00:23:44.079
Now here's the game changer.
00:23:44.319 --> 00:23:48.559
Verified allows you to speak one-on-one and directly with that other person.
00:23:48.799 --> 00:23:50.799
No gaslighting from your spouse.
00:23:51.039 --> 00:23:54.799
No, he said, she said, no, oh my God, you went through my phone.
00:23:54.960 --> 00:23:57.039
How could you betray my trust like that?
00:23:57.279 --> 00:23:59.599
And zero social media drama.
00:23:59.839 --> 00:24:03.839
Just the truth, person to person, before things go too far.
00:24:04.079 --> 00:24:07.200
Don't wait for that gut feeling to become a nightmare.
00:24:07.279 --> 00:24:13.519
Because even if you think your spouse would never, there's an even better chance that you just never know.
00:24:13.759 --> 00:24:19.359
Register your spouse today using the link in the show notes and lock in your legacy to protect your peace.
00:24:21.599 --> 00:24:27.119
This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy.
00:24:27.359 --> 00:24:30.559
Every couple story is unique, so take what's helpful and leave the rest.
00:24:30.799 --> 00:24:41.359
By listening to this podcast, you acknowledge that neither I, Cameron Thompson, Alaricki, married and connected, or recognizing potential coaching are responsible for any outcomes related to what you apply from this show.
00:24:41.599 --> 00:24:43.680
Especially if you are not a client of mine.
