WEBVTT
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So, hey y'all, welcome back to Couch Conversations.
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Come on in here.
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Um, we have um a tree for y'all today.
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We are gonna be talking about something really deep.
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And this conversation can actually go on and on and on and on, but we're gonna try to keep it to a minimum and we're gonna learn some things in here today.
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So, today we're gonna I'm introducing you today, Miss Candace Thompson.
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She is a founder and executive director of Yeah, you too, a 501c3 nonprofit organization dedicated to creating opportunities for healing, education, and family-centered support.
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Sorry, wait.
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She holds a bachelor's degree in psychology and serves as a qualified mental health specialist with professional experience supporting children, adults, and families affected by trauma, behavior health challenges, behavioral health challenges.
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Sorry about that, substance use, recovery, and involvement with the complex systems.
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I love this.
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Candace is the creator and facilitator of Generation Uncursed, a trauma-informed educational program that helps individuals and families recognize inherited patterns.
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Understands how trauma affects the brain and body and develop practical tools for breaking generational cycles.
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As an author, motivational speaker, mental health advocate, and host of Unmuted with Candace Thompson, she uses professional knowledge and lived experiences to help people move from surviving in silence to healing with awareness and purpose and power.
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Hey, Candace.
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Hey.
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Hey, Ms.
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Venus.
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Thanks for coming on, girl.
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I see you and I see you doing your thing.
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And I'm like, oh my gosh, she's asking for guests.
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So I am girl.
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Yes.
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You know, this, let me tell you, when it comes to this um the trauma, this thing is really, you know, passionate for me, this subject.
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Um I'm not sure if you know my backstory about growing up with child abuse, abandonment, and all that other good stuff.
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We can go into that another time.
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But um, I know that when it came time to tell my story, um, I wrote a book about it and it's called The Silent Scream, My Story, My Truth.
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Um, and I talked about what happened uh in my life.
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And the reason why I felt like I needed to be able to start talking about this, number one, it was a push from God.
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Let me just tell you that, because I really wanted to keep it in.
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But number two, it felt like it was a cancer that was growing inside of me and I was dying.
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I I'm telling, when I say I was literally dying, I was I was literally just dying.
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And when I ended up telling my story about what happened to me, I don't, it's just like all this stuff just unloaded from my body.
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And you know, and so from that point, um, I became a life coach and I talk about trauma recovery, the things that happen to us along the way.
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Um, but you know, yours is all so different, and I love this because you are talking about generational trauma, which people do not believe in this.
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So help us to understand really what is generational trauma.
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So, generational trauma.
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Well, first let's start with trauma.
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Okay, so people think that the uh the manipulation, the sexual abuse, the abuse, the neglect, people think that that is the trauma.
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That's not the trauma, that's the event.
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The trauma is what happens to you as a result of that event.
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So, like anything else, if it is not repaired, it's gonna be repeated.
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If no one, if have you noticed that some things in your family, you like, oh well, we just don't do that.
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Well, why?
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Well, my grandma did it like that, and my great grandmama did it like that, and this is just what we do.
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No one has ever said, hey, this might be wrong.
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Nobody said that.
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So if it's not repaired, it is going to be repeated.
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Absolutely.
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The other thing is that trauma has no race, but it does have history.
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So, you know, it's no race, it's not a black thing, a white thing.
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It's just you know, that's that's the biggest thing.
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Yeah, and I'll break that down in a minute of what the different there's generational trauma, then there's transgenerational trauma.
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Generational is like between mom and daughter.
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Mom and daughter.
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Um mom was in an abusive relationship.
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Her daughter didn't get abused at all, but she told her that the world was not safe for her.
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She told her that no one is good for you.
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She grew up believing these things, so she's still in that pattern almost with her mother, but never experienced it.
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So, you know, it's the same thing.
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How other people are saying, well, we don't talk about our feelings in our family, like that.
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That's just how our family is.
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We've always struggled with addiction, or the men in our family don't cry, or the women in our family have to be strong.
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That's just how it is.
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Yeah, but the thing is, it's like, what if those things were just survival strategies passed out?
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And now everybody's hyper, hyper, you know, everybody's what if this was just the way they had to get through things, not the way you need to get through things.
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Yes, you know, it could it's crazy.
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You said something about um trauma is not uh race.
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I don't know what this thing is that people think that when it comes to trauma or even generational trauma or transgenerational trauma, that it's only amongst the blacks or people of color, like Hispanics or whatever.
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And I and I'm gonna tell you that this is so crazy because I was having a conversation with somebody about this, and she said, Well, y'all, and I'm like, Well, what do you mean, y'all?
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She means black people, because I was talking to somebody who was not black, and it blew my mind that you know, you they really believe that this trauma issue is only amongst the blacks, and I'm not understanding that.
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When you when you're even talking about generational trauma, in what ways does that would you say that it presents itself?
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You said ask that question?
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You said yeah, when you're talking about the generational trauma, transgenerational trauma, in what ways does it present itself?
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Because it isn't just with with people of color.
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Oh yeah.
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So I actually can give you that.
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So it's a human experience, it's not a black experience, it's not a white experience.
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Go back to the Japanese Americans families who experienced wartime.
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Look at the Jewish affected by the Holocaust, the veterans and military families, refugees and immigrants fleeing war.
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I mean, families impacted by slavery and systemic racism.
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What do you think they went through?
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Do you think they're passing down the very they're giving you the best that they can?
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But it's up to you to really become aware and say, I don't need this hypervigilance right now, or I don't need to I don't need to carry what they carry back then because I'm healed from that.
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We don't we're we're in a situation where we can heal from that.
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And so that's what I mean by it's not a uh one, it doesn't just affect one part of us, it's everyone.
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So how would you say that it presents itself?
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It would it presents itself through um first it goes through ACEs, ACIs.
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ACEs are adverse childhood experiences, and that's usually when they're between before the age of 18.
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That is when children are seeing these things.
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Um, they can see neglect, emotional neglect, sexual abuse, um, substance abuse in the home.
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They can see parental separation through divorce, some is going to jail.
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Um, and they travel different ways.
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But if you want to know how you're feeling, um then there's a lot of different different ways that you can feel it.
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So it could be headaches, it could be fatigue, muscle tension, sleep disturbances, high blood pressure, weakened immune system, irritability, depression, guilt, low self-worth, hopelessness, emotional numbness.
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So all of these things, if you're wondering why you're feeling this way, you've been through some things.
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Yeah, right, right, and I'm gonna tell you when you name you named a whole lot of who I used to be.
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Yes.
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When I tell you, you know what I'm going back.
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You said that trauma, people don't even understand that trauma isn't is it what you say?
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It isn't it's not, it's not abuse, yeah, it's not what happened to you, that's the event, it's what happened inside of you because it's yes, that's the trauma, and I think that's the missing piece right there, where people don't even understand.
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Because when people talk about your trauma, oh yeah, because I was beat, or yeah, because I was raped, or yeah, because it did.
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Yeah, baby, that's just the event.
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That is just the event.
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That's just the things that happened to you, yeah.
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Because when I first heard that, it made me mad.
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Yeah, I was like, this is my trauma.
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You don't tell me how to tell my trauma what to do.
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But when I'm thinking about it, it's crazy.
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Yeah, yeah, but it's so crazy because that is the trauma is the after effect, yes, and that is the part where uh people cannot yeah, because what it is is that we we keep focusing on the fact I was abused, I was abused, I was abused, right?
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You're not even focusing on the fact that, yeah, but what does this abuse do to you, you know, and that's what you need to fix.
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I think that when we think about it, we're trying to think, we're trying to fix what happened and not the after effect, you know, the behaviors, behaviors because I have to tell you I had a whole lot of them, you know, and we're and a lot of those behaviors turn to drug and alcoholics.
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Absolutely, absolutely, very easy.
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Yeah, God is so good.
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I'm gonna tell you, God is so good.
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I have never um been addicted to um drugs or I've never tried drugs, and but I've always done alcohols.
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Man, I used to do me, I used to throw them back.
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And when I was throwing my alcohol back and kicking it and having a good time, I always thought that's because I'm having a good time.
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I'm young.
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This is what I'm supposed to do.
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I didn't realize that was my trauma that was showing up.
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I was trying to, you know, trying to to to medicate that.
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Yeah, so it's the difference.
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Some people really want to drink to have a good time.
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Some people drink to get drunk.
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Have you been around those people?
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They drink to get drunk.
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Oh, yeah.
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My mother was an alcoholic.
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Yeah, because that's that's the difference.
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I'm drinking to get drunk.
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Yeah, yeah.
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And you have to ask yourself, like, why what when I think because I have friends, I have friends that's alcoholic.
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I have a sister, she's not my blood sister, but she is my um ex-sister-in-law.
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But I raised her, and she, I mean, she drinks, she can drink about a half gallon, maybe more a day, and she has to.
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But then when I think about what what you just said, I know what happened to her.
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But then the we think you you're talking about, well, the trauma is what what you're going through after the fact, right?
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And I think she has never dealt with it, she has never been honest about it, and I think that's one thing too.
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You really have to be honest about what's happening to you after what happened to you.
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Yes, that's the trauma.
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Yes.
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So, why do you think it's so difficult, like for people to even call that out, to accept that, to recognize that?
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Simply because it's uncomfortable.
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We the the the human brain does a lot to keep us out of uh being uncomfortable.
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Yeah.
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Um, and we have become masters at it ourselves.
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We pick up something to drink, we pick up something to eat, we sex it away, we do things like that.
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We we want we don't want to sit in what we feel.
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So that's the biggest part.
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Um, but the moment that you are the best way to go, get help as soon as you have witnessed this trauma or witnessed this event and going through this trauma because um and a traumatic event is isn't a traumatic event.
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But if it happened to you, it's not you're not going through trauma, you're not going through the situation that happened, you're going through the actual trauma.
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Because those are the feelings, those are the the the things telling you what you should do, and the fight and the flight and the fawn and the all of those things that we you know yeah that's for getting.
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Yeah.
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Absolutely, absolutely.
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So, what would you say to somebody that okay, the um they went what happened to them?
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They were a little kid, they were young, and now here they are as an adult.
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So, what do you do then?
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So I've worked with young adults, I've worked with children, and the one thing I do with them is I f I face it with them.
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When I work with children, we have this big thing.
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But I take it so that we can divide it in different pieces.
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So they are not, and I think that should go for anyone, but I know this worked with children and it seemed to work with adults as well.
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Um, that rumination, that keep thinking about what's happening.
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I can't stop thinking about it, I can't stop thinking about it.
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Once you are actually um, you're in a place where you can talk about it and you're not crying and you're not feeling dirty and damaged and and all those throughout all those things, then we can say, just for today, let's look at this part just for today.
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And and add a little bit maybe the next time.
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If I know somebody's in a terrible, terrible place, I'm not gonna say, let's talk about it, you know, bring it out, let it out.
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No, I'm gonna see where they are for the day.
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I'm gonna see how how they're feeling because they'll let you know.
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Yeah, they'll let you know.
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And then if they're strong enough in that moment to discuss, that's when I use that time.
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If I see they're not strong enough, I'm not bringing up.
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Yeah, yeah.
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How how often or how long do you sit with the client?
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Um to like I've sat with someone for hours.
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Yeah, I've sat with someone for hours, yeah, especially during um a situation uh when they were younger, yeah.
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Hours.
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Yeah, yeah.
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Especially when it's literally not their fault.
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Yeah.
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And you know what's so crazy is one of the reasons I didn't, I know that I didn't want to talk about it, is because when I tried to tell, I was made to be to blame.
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Oh yeah.
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This is when I was this when I was a young girl, and so I figure like, well, and nobody's gonna believe me, so why even talk about it until I'm telling you, when I'm when I say I led a crazy life, God is good, I should be dead.
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I should be dead.
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You tell me I should be dead.
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But yes, because I mean, I was out here wilding out, and God is amazing.
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I had I came out with no diseases, I came out with um the unscarved physically, I mean, you know, yeah, physically, you know, but I'm telling you, I was wilding out, and not only that, I had three children.
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I put my kids through hell, even though I didn't beat them or mistreat them.
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I just I wasn't even available emotionally, you know, because of my trauma, what it had done to me, who it made me, who it made me become, you know.
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So when I wrote my book and started talking about it, I never forget I launched the book.
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And when I launched the book, people came for me.
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They was really upset.
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You mean to tell me that you're upset because I told my story?
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Yeah, they will.
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So I'm gonna tell you my end with that.
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I wrote my first book in 19.
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That was my way of getting it out.
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And it was not a good thing because it made my family uncomfortable because now they're gonna look at me and say, Well, where was I?
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Well Where were you?
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Like if I didn't write this, I would probably be trying to kill myself.
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Right.
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So that I have I've written three books.
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Um, one when I was 19, 21, and 24.
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I made the last one just a um novella because I got to the point where it just became, you know, about me and what they thought I meant and things like that.
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But when I did book signings and when I read my book, that's when I was reaching the people who needed me.
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Yeah.
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Then I started seeing there is someone, you have a light.
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Even in the darkest shadows of life, when you feel like you are in the darkest part of life, you still have a light that people need to see to come out of their darkness.
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Yes, and everybody around you will tell you it's not light because all they see is this darkness, but you have a light, and what's gonna look for that light?
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Not the darkness, but the light, the ones that need the light will find it, they will find it, they will find you exactly.
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You better say that, and I always tell people I said until you show up, there is people that is dying on your watch, yeah, because that's gonna allow us to go through what we went through and we survived it to be able to tell the story because there are other people that we are assigned to, we are assigned to them, and what and look at how I it make it can give you anxiety when you think of how many assignments are out there, how many don't understand the assignments, and how many are there for me, right?
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That's that's when I started putting an urgency on my assignments, yeah, yeah, because I'm like, this ain't just about me.
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Yeah, this is this assignment is for.
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Somebody else to move, somebody else to move, somebody else who may be supposed to move me.
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Yeah.
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But if I'm just chilling, they just chilling.
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We ain't gonna get this.
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We're not gonna get nowhere.
00:22:11.599 --> 00:22:13.119
You're keeping it inside.
00:22:13.359 --> 00:22:25.440
Yeah, and you know, and and the let me tell you what the crazy thing about it is even after I wrote this book and they came for me, I felt re-victimized.
00:22:25.680 --> 00:22:29.839
All that resurfaced again.
00:22:30.079 --> 00:22:31.119
I got scared.
00:22:31.200 --> 00:22:34.559
I'm gonna tell you, I punked out, had my book taken down.
00:22:34.640 --> 00:22:36.160
I was like, I can't do this.
00:22:36.319 --> 00:22:37.519
But then I'm gonna tell you something.
00:22:37.759 --> 00:22:38.880
God turned that around.
00:22:39.039 --> 00:22:40.960
He was like, Oh no, no, no, no, no.
00:22:41.200 --> 00:22:45.279
I signed you to this, this is where you're going, this is what you're gonna do.
00:22:45.440 --> 00:22:50.160
And as long as long as you believe in me and know that I'm here with you, I'm your strength.
00:22:50.559 --> 00:22:53.759
And then after years went by, people started coming around.
00:22:53.839 --> 00:22:58.240
There's still some relationships that are forever broken, and I'm okay with that.
00:22:58.480 --> 00:23:02.319
I'm truly okay with that because I refuse to be silent.
00:23:02.960 --> 00:23:04.640
This trauma has got to stop.
00:23:04.720 --> 00:23:20.400
There's so many things like that happens in these families, and I don't want to just say, listen, I want to say all families, I want to just even bring it in on black families, especially it's important.
00:23:20.880 --> 00:23:22.319
We are the ones, uh-huh.
00:23:22.720 --> 00:23:24.400
Yeah, yeah.
00:23:24.559 --> 00:23:27.359
We are the ones that refuse to to talk.
00:23:27.599 --> 00:23:30.079
What happens in my house, stay in my house.
00:23:30.319 --> 00:23:32.000
Yes, you know what?
00:23:32.160 --> 00:23:37.119
That's the way my grandmother did it, so you're gonna do it that way too, right?
00:23:37.359 --> 00:23:38.319
Like, what?
00:23:39.200 --> 00:23:58.319
Yeah, that that's the but you know that came from you know back in Jim Crow and it passed down and passed down on because we for so many years, look at how they treated the the father of the slaves.
00:24:00.319 --> 00:24:07.359
That they they separated them, they sold them, they beat them in front to take away that power that they had.
00:24:07.680 --> 00:24:25.200
And you know, when I look at especially families in the black community, I this is why I do this with Ye U2 Um, because some people are not even aware that they can change.
00:24:27.119 --> 00:24:35.599
That part, that part, they have no idea that they can change, yeah.
00:24:38.880 --> 00:24:50.240
But Candace, even when they do feel find out, oh I I can change, they don't know how they don't know how there's not enough people like us that say, Come on, get your hand, let me show you how to do this.
00:24:50.480 --> 00:24:55.440
But then even when you do, there's still resistance.
00:24:55.680 --> 00:25:27.519
There's resistance, then you so you you uh girl because there's resistance, so not only is there resistance trying to help, not is there is not only is there resistance trying to reach your your uh assignment, not only is there resistance from people on the outside saying, uh not only is there resistance on the outside from people saying I could do that too.
00:25:27.759 --> 00:25:28.240
Uh-huh.
00:25:29.039 --> 00:25:33.759
Not only is there resistance from the people who say, Oh, they think they're doing that.
00:25:33.839 --> 00:25:35.119
Well, they're doing too much.
00:25:36.720 --> 00:25:38.319
These that's the resistance.
00:25:38.559 --> 00:25:40.480
Yeah, that's the resistance.
00:25:40.640 --> 00:25:41.920
That's the resistance.
00:25:42.480 --> 00:25:51.519
That right there, let me hurry up and make three of what they're talking about so that I can say I'm gonna girl, run down the street and run back.
00:25:53.519 --> 00:25:54.160
Yes.
00:25:56.160 --> 00:25:59.119
Let me make three of them so it looked like I had already did that.
00:25:59.200 --> 00:26:03.440
So when I already did that, and then they think come out, they just look like they did this.
00:26:03.519 --> 00:26:06.079
And look, y'all, it ain't a competition.
00:26:06.319 --> 00:26:08.400
We are out here healing lives, bro.
00:26:08.640 --> 00:26:13.279
Yes, we're not out here for a competition, right?
00:26:13.519 --> 00:26:21.440
Have your group out, have your have your kids home, have your do whatever it is that is your assignment, because guess what?
00:26:21.599 --> 00:26:24.079
We all don't get the same one.
00:26:24.400 --> 00:26:30.240
That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, and I just do not understand that.
00:26:30.480 --> 00:26:47.680
And let me tell you, I've been at this for about 10 years now, and it's like I'm so exhausted, but I I know it's my assignment, and that's one of the reasons why I'm doing this this little 12-week series thing called 11 the beginning back to the beginning.
00:26:48.799 --> 00:26:50.640
My truth, my assignment.
00:26:50.880 --> 00:26:56.000
When you don't know where else, don't know when you don't know where else to go, go back to the beginning.
00:26:56.240 --> 00:26:57.759
Just go back to the beginning, right?
00:26:58.000 --> 00:26:58.880
That's it.
00:26:59.119 --> 00:27:02.240
If I had to start over again, that's what I'm gonna do.
00:27:02.400 --> 00:27:26.240
There has been have been thousands, and I'm I'm not even talking, I'm not even exaggerating, thousands of women who have contacted me that I've had conversations with that have helped to change their life and you know, things like that, but it's almost like I don't know, you get to a certain level in this business, and it's like um the it's the competition thing.
00:27:26.400 --> 00:27:27.920
Listen, I don't want to be in competition.
00:27:28.079 --> 00:27:30.960
Matter of fact, if you can do it better than me, teach me.
00:27:31.200 --> 00:27:38.640
Teach me, listen to that we can do it together and we can partner because girl, it's out here this listen.
00:27:38.720 --> 00:27:45.920
I always tell people, and especially about women, if women are healthy, our communities are healthy.
00:27:46.079 --> 00:27:54.000
We are the backbones of our communities, absolutely, but until we get this right up here, it's gonna always be sick.
00:27:54.079 --> 00:28:03.920
And let me tell you, there are folks that is betting on us to stay sick up here so that our communities do not thrive, right?
00:28:04.480 --> 00:28:13.599
So everybody has a has a role to play, and people need to realize which role it is they want to play.
00:28:14.400 --> 00:28:15.119
Exactly.
00:28:15.359 --> 00:28:16.880
Get in it and stay in it.
00:28:17.039 --> 00:28:18.960
Yeah, what are you assigned to?
00:28:19.039 --> 00:28:20.720
You have to know your assignment, yeah.
00:28:20.960 --> 00:28:21.680
Okay, you have to know.
00:28:21.920 --> 00:28:24.799
And if you don't, that can be very dangerous when you don't know your assignment.
00:28:25.200 --> 00:28:29.519
Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely.
00:28:29.920 --> 00:28:37.200
That's just like uh just recently I launched this uh mentorship for girls, and I do believe it's something that I'm supposed to do.
00:28:37.359 --> 00:28:45.519
Maybe it isn't right now, but when I started going into that girl, if let me tell you something, that's a whole nother world.
00:28:46.000 --> 00:28:47.359
It's a whole nother world.
00:28:47.519 --> 00:28:55.599
I have people who don't even know me fighting against me, so you fighting against me because, like, why?
00:28:56.319 --> 00:28:57.519
Well, I'm trying to help.
00:28:57.839 --> 00:29:07.920
Because you're you, yeah, just because you're you, yes, yes, but you know, but anyway, let's not tell you about this generational trauma thing.
00:29:08.000 --> 00:29:11.920
It can go to it can just go deep, it can go really deep.
00:29:12.160 --> 00:29:14.480
How do you think that when it comes to parenting?
00:29:14.559 --> 00:29:19.440
Because I know even with with me with parenting, it affected my parenting.
00:29:19.680 --> 00:29:23.440
How do you think that it affects the parenting style?
00:29:24.000 --> 00:29:36.319
It affects me parenting, and it affects the parenting style because all the things you're never ready to have a child, you're never truly ready, even if you want to be ready.
00:29:36.640 --> 00:29:44.160
There are things called learned behaviors, and there are things that we just learn by watching.
00:29:44.319 --> 00:29:59.759
That's how children learn us through watching, they can't talk, but they if you notice children, if they see mommy and daddy arguing and they want to play something, they know exactly which parent to go to, which parent not to.
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:01.839
So they're very smart.
00:30:02.160 --> 00:30:11.039
But when it comes to that, if that's just an example of uh of that how they know how to manipulate based on your emotions, yeah.
00:30:11.359 --> 00:30:16.000
So they know they know.
00:30:16.319 --> 00:30:25.039
Um, I think we now uh there's a lot a lot of hypervigilance, a lot of what you doing, sit on.
00:30:25.279 --> 00:30:28.400
No, what you sit on what you doing?
00:30:28.480 --> 00:30:29.680
No, no, no, no.
00:30:29.920 --> 00:30:34.880
And and we have to like okay, is this them?
00:30:36.000 --> 00:30:38.400
Is this my baby doing this or is this me?
00:30:40.079 --> 00:30:42.319
That's the distinction I have to try to make.
00:30:42.640 --> 00:30:42.960
Right.
00:30:43.200 --> 00:30:44.880
I had a bad day, baby.
00:30:44.960 --> 00:30:45.839
I'm sorry.
00:30:46.880 --> 00:30:51.440
You know how you how do you how do you think that you corrected?
00:30:51.759 --> 00:30:52.559
They're having a bad day.
00:30:52.640 --> 00:30:59.279
Okay, and I was also sorry, I didn't know it was kind of delayed.
00:30:59.359 --> 00:30:59.680
I didn't know.
00:30:59.920 --> 00:31:03.680
So it's just like oh that's all right.
00:31:03.759 --> 00:31:12.160
I um I I just was looking like wow, it it makes a big difference because it the cycle just keeps going on and on and on and on.
00:31:12.319 --> 00:31:17.039
This is from great, great, great, great, great, you know, and to us now.
00:31:17.200 --> 00:31:28.559
So, of course, if we haven't really taken everything apart to see what we've been made of this whole time, that's why I think you're going back to the beginning is so powerful.
00:31:28.799 --> 00:31:42.160
And I was like, maybe I can do that one day, you know, going back to the beginning because sometimes we don't remix the beginning, yes, being so far out here, we don't even remember to start again.
00:31:42.640 --> 00:31:46.160
So I think that is that's perfect, yeah.
00:31:46.480 --> 00:32:01.759
Yeah, I definitely felt like maybe I needed to because it felt like for some reason um nothing was sticking, and I know things change, and especially over a course of 10 years.
00:32:01.920 --> 00:32:07.119
When I started this 10 years ago, I didn't know what I was doing, I was just stepping out on faith.
00:32:07.279 --> 00:32:15.039
And when I see how things sort of kind of work now, it's like I need to tackle it from a different angle.
00:32:15.599 --> 00:32:32.400
I know that you spoke of a program that you have um that you where you're going into um some of the I don't know what those are called, um, not jails, but the rehab places or something like that.
00:32:32.720 --> 00:32:33.279
Mm-hmm.
00:32:33.680 --> 00:32:34.240
Yeah.
00:32:34.559 --> 00:32:34.880
Yeah.
00:32:35.200 --> 00:32:36.000
That you're teaching.
00:32:36.079 --> 00:32:36.319
Yeah.
00:32:36.480 --> 00:32:38.160
Tell me a little bit about that.
00:32:38.480 --> 00:32:47.359
My program is called Generation Uncursed, and I found out that um I think it was Grafton Prison once it.
00:32:48.720 --> 00:32:57.680
And so um we're working on things there because I they want me to come, but they don't necessarily want to pay me to come.
00:32:58.000 --> 00:33:03.680
And so everybody, somebody told me to be careful because they just want to take your stuff.
00:33:03.920 --> 00:33:04.559
Yeah.
00:33:06.079 --> 00:33:10.000
So uh, but yes, Craft in Prison does want it.
00:33:10.160 --> 00:33:12.160
Um, I'm excited to work with them.
00:33:12.319 --> 00:33:16.960
I was just waiting for them to, you know, get everything together.
00:33:17.279 --> 00:33:33.200
But um I didn't even think about re-entry until I started working with um younger children and was seeing some of the parents who did not have jobs, to who didn't have, couldn't get housing and things like that.
00:33:33.519 --> 00:33:34.720
So I was like, wow.
00:33:34.880 --> 00:33:43.119
And I always had uh I had kept having a mom that was like, you know, had something going on, justice impacted.
00:33:43.839 --> 00:33:52.319
And I decided to have uh just let's just have a big uh female felon job here.
00:33:53.039 --> 00:34:01.680
That's what I said, and I had Ohio means jobs, dressed for success, um Cleveland, um, city of Cleveland.
00:34:01.839 --> 00:34:13.119
I mean, we had everybody at the um the Midtown Collaboration Center uh back in May, and it was so wonderful, like everything was under one roof.
00:34:13.360 --> 00:34:18.400
You could get you a job, you could get you uh clothes for a job.
00:34:18.639 --> 00:34:19.679
It was amazing.
00:34:19.840 --> 00:34:22.079
So I will be having another one as well.
00:34:22.400 --> 00:34:24.000
That's gonna be exciting.
00:34:24.480 --> 00:34:25.599
That's gonna be exciting.
00:34:25.760 --> 00:34:31.280
So the program that you teach, are you allowed to touch on it a little bit about what you talked about program?
00:34:31.840 --> 00:34:37.599
Yes, so the program I teach, it just got a four-week extension at uh North Star.
00:34:38.159 --> 00:34:48.239
North Star is 1834 55th Street, and it starts again on September 9th, and it's every Wednesday for four Wednesdays.
00:34:48.639 --> 00:34:54.800
And we talk about things in the beginning, such as what is trauma, what trauma is not.
00:34:54.960 --> 00:34:58.719
We look at the parts of the brain like the amygdala.
00:34:58.880 --> 00:35:04.800
Uh, the amygdala being that alarm system, it detects uh danger.
00:35:05.039 --> 00:35:09.199
Yeah, um, that's the part that that survival mode we're in.
00:35:09.280 --> 00:35:26.719
So uh we we talk about that, we talk about the hippocampus, uh, the memory system, how our memories are made long long, short, uh long and short term memory, and the uh the prefrontal frontal coat uh cortex.
00:35:27.039 --> 00:35:37.760
So we talk about all those things and the emotional side effects of them, and we look at the different inherited beliefs.
00:35:37.920 --> 00:35:44.880
We look at triggers, how we could have responded differently to that, how maybe we couldn't have.
00:35:45.440 --> 00:35:49.360
Um it's a good good time, yeah.
00:35:49.519 --> 00:35:57.519
Um yeah, I definitely I would definitely love to come.
00:35:57.599 --> 00:36:02.400
I wish it went so far away, but um I'm gonna we're gonna start doing a little bit of virtual.
00:36:02.559 --> 00:36:04.559
I think we're gonna try to do virtual as well.
00:36:04.800 --> 00:36:06.239
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:36:06.400 --> 00:36:10.079
Yeah, because it was people that won the RSVP.
00:36:10.239 --> 00:36:12.800
So I was like, okay, I'll make it virtual too.
00:36:13.039 --> 00:36:14.639
Yeah, that's amazing.
00:36:15.039 --> 00:36:17.519
You said something about the amygdala amygdala.
00:36:17.840 --> 00:36:18.719
I'm a nurse.
00:36:18.880 --> 00:36:24.079
Oh and I can't, but I'm thinking about changing my major now.
00:36:24.159 --> 00:36:25.920
I'm gonna tell you about that a little bit.
00:36:26.159 --> 00:36:41.199
But um, you talked about the amygdala, and that is where that where your you said your fear or when it when something bad is happening, yeah, it detects it.
00:36:41.280 --> 00:36:42.480
It detects danger.
00:36:42.800 --> 00:36:45.599
Yeah, so it detects danger going around.
00:36:45.840 --> 00:36:53.039
What do you think happens when somebody has suffered so much trauma that that thing don't work?
00:36:53.119 --> 00:36:58.000
Because I'm gonna tell you when I was in my 20s and my 30s, because I was crazy, right?
00:36:58.320 --> 00:37:01.119
Right, I had no fear, there was no fear.
00:37:01.440 --> 00:37:04.239
Yeah, that's a scary place to be, Venus.
00:37:04.639 --> 00:37:06.079
And I've been there too.
00:37:06.239 --> 00:37:12.960
When you whoever's listening, if you have nothing else left to lose, you're in a dangerous spot.
00:37:13.760 --> 00:37:18.239
And that is the point you need to realize you have everything to lose.
00:37:19.360 --> 00:37:21.599
Don't don't get talked up out of your hookup.
00:37:22.239 --> 00:37:24.239
Yeah, please.
00:37:24.559 --> 00:37:28.719
Yeah, amygdala detects danger going around us.
00:37:29.760 --> 00:37:33.280
That's just to say we were walking and we saw a great big dog.
00:37:33.440 --> 00:37:34.480
Are you gonna stop?
00:37:35.039 --> 00:37:36.960
Are you gonna start running from that dog?
00:37:37.519 --> 00:37:39.199
Are you just gonna pass out?
00:37:39.519 --> 00:37:40.239
That's one of them.
00:37:40.480 --> 00:37:45.599
Yeah, are you gonna are you gonna try to help get get some help the dog, talk to the dog?
00:37:45.679 --> 00:37:46.960
What what are you gonna do?
00:37:47.280 --> 00:37:54.800
So the amygdala, it is it's the body's uh, you know, fight, flight or freeze system.
00:37:55.519 --> 00:38:04.400
And when it's going on too long, like you said, Venus, uh people are on guard even when there's not when they're safe.
00:38:07.039 --> 00:38:19.280
So those people can be in a safe place, but they're so used to living in a room full of vultures that they don't know how to relax.
00:38:20.400 --> 00:38:31.679
Then you wonder why you got high blood pressure, then you wonder why you can't sleep, then you wonder why you you're gonna have to see a therapist and all of these different things.
00:38:32.159 --> 00:38:34.079
It is very true.
00:38:34.480 --> 00:38:37.280
Yeah, yeah.
00:38:38.559 --> 00:38:42.400
So, what do you think happens to like is it numbed?
00:38:42.639 --> 00:38:46.719
Is it what happens to because when I think about it's oh that's scary.
00:38:46.800 --> 00:38:47.920
Sometimes it scares me.
00:38:48.239 --> 00:38:50.079
Well, it's happening all over the place.
00:38:50.719 --> 00:38:55.840
You know, have you seen on the news somebody got killed for stepping on somebody's shoe?
00:38:56.719 --> 00:38:59.199
Yeah, those type of things.
00:39:00.000 --> 00:39:06.639
That's usually when the amygdala has yeah, it it took over.
00:39:07.119 --> 00:39:08.400
Yeah, wow.
00:39:08.719 --> 00:39:14.239
Something small or somebody getting stabbed eight to twelve times, they just lost it.
00:39:14.480 --> 00:39:18.079
Yeah, that's usually how that goes, yeah.
00:39:18.480 --> 00:39:29.519
Yeah, and that's crazy because like I said, when when I was younger, I had no, I had no when I say no fear, I mean none.
00:39:29.679 --> 00:39:30.079
No fear.
00:39:30.559 --> 00:39:32.000
I feared nothing.
00:39:32.159 --> 00:39:37.280
There was nothing that that scared only thing I'm gonna tell, which is I guess is a good thing to this day.
00:39:37.519 --> 00:39:52.159
The only thing that really feared me was God, and that's the only thing that could bring you back, but the only thing that feared me about God is if I die doing all these crazy things, I'm not gonna get to go to heaven.
00:39:52.239 --> 00:40:01.280
That's that's that always sat in the back of my brain, but it didn't stop me, it didn't stop me from doing the things that I did and put myself in danger.
00:40:01.360 --> 00:40:05.199
I mean, I literally did things that put myself in danger.
00:40:05.760 --> 00:40:10.159
I always protected my children and made sure they were safe.
00:40:10.320 --> 00:40:16.960
But when it came to me, I'm thinking that maybe I just felt like I didn't deserve that safety.
00:40:17.039 --> 00:40:31.119
I I and I and I'm gonna tell you, I I can never, ever, ever in my life until just recently um ever remember feeling safe until I just got I got married three years ago.
00:40:31.440 --> 00:40:38.639
When I got married to this man, did this is this is this man make me feel safe.
00:40:38.800 --> 00:40:44.800
Other than that, I have never I haven't slept, I haven't slept in years, like in years.
00:40:45.039 --> 00:40:46.480
I just started sleeping.
00:40:46.639 --> 00:41:03.199
Yes, so you know, so yeah, I I want to know, and I might have to study that a little bit more about what happens with this amygdala thing, amygdala thing, um, when these events happen to you and you're going through trauma.
00:41:04.159 --> 00:41:06.159
You know, why is it dead?
00:41:08.239 --> 00:41:09.280
You know, yeah.
00:41:09.519 --> 00:41:15.280
So the thing is, it just it's all about getting awareness.
00:41:15.920 --> 00:41:21.039
Um, and once you can be aware, like I know what I'm feeling right now.
00:41:21.519 --> 00:41:26.880
Is this the actual thing that hurt me, or is this my feelings about the thing that hurt me?
00:41:27.599 --> 00:41:31.039
And that right there makes a big difference.
00:41:32.480 --> 00:41:34.079
A really big difference.
00:41:34.400 --> 00:41:35.039
Yeah.
00:41:36.320 --> 00:41:36.800
Wow.
00:41:37.039 --> 00:41:39.599
This subject is, I mean, it's really deep.
00:41:39.679 --> 00:41:49.679
It's it's really deep, and it actually triggers some things inside of me, which I'm I'm uh, you know, I have the tools to to deal with it now, but wow.
00:41:50.480 --> 00:41:55.360
You can call me afterwards, you can call me anytime.
00:41:55.519 --> 00:41:57.920
I might be calling you one night like Venus.
00:41:58.639 --> 00:41:59.599
I do not mind.
00:41:59.760 --> 00:42:00.559
I do not mind.
00:42:00.639 --> 00:42:02.880
I get calling hims all the time.
00:42:03.039 --> 00:42:11.119
And the one thing that I that that um you know it just it bothers me about people is that they say they want help.
00:42:11.519 --> 00:42:12.800
Do they really want help?
00:42:12.960 --> 00:42:15.440
Do they really want help to address these traumas?
00:42:15.679 --> 00:42:18.079
Or they just really want to do the work.
00:42:18.239 --> 00:42:20.559
They don't want to do the work, they don't want to do the work.
00:42:20.800 --> 00:42:23.199
And when you say the word honey, that work is hard.
00:42:23.440 --> 00:42:45.280
It is that work, that hard, that work will first of all, let me just tell you when you do when you when you do the work, it changes you, it changes who you be with, it changes the people around you, changes where you go, how you do things, how you talk, how you walk.
00:42:45.519 --> 00:42:47.039
It changes everything.
00:42:47.360 --> 00:42:49.119
I tell my classes this.
00:42:49.360 --> 00:42:57.679
I say, I always hear, I'm in my healing era, I'm in my soft era, I'm in my it's not an aesthetic.
00:42:57.920 --> 00:42:59.599
Healing is hard.
00:42:59.760 --> 00:43:01.599
It's hard, and it's gonna cost you something.
00:43:03.119 --> 00:43:17.920
It's gonna cost you your excuses, it's gonna cost you your ex your comfort zone, your old habits, yes, your toxic relationships, your pride.
00:43:18.079 --> 00:43:20.480
Yeah, what you gonna do without your pride?
00:43:20.719 --> 00:43:25.360
Right, and this stuff is like comfort food, yeah.
00:43:25.519 --> 00:43:26.960
It's like comfort food.
00:43:27.039 --> 00:43:28.400
Okay, I love it.
00:43:29.920 --> 00:43:34.480
It could cost you your confidence, yeah.
00:43:36.320 --> 00:43:40.400
This is real, everything you gotta check out this one chick.
00:43:40.559 --> 00:43:41.679
This this is my sis.
00:43:41.920 --> 00:43:43.440
I love this girl.
00:43:43.760 --> 00:43:45.599
Man, we met on a whim.
00:43:45.840 --> 00:43:47.599
Her name is Jewel Carter.
00:43:48.320 --> 00:43:52.079
This girl's so fire, and she talks about the mirror, honey.
00:43:52.320 --> 00:43:55.199
And that's another thing, too.
00:43:55.360 --> 00:43:59.760
When you talk about healing, you got to look in that mirror, yeah.
00:44:00.159 --> 00:53:04.000
And you have that you you have to you you can't you can't lie to yourself you can lie to everybody else you can't lie to yourself when you look in that mirror honey you you could try to lie if you want to you know the real though right yeah you know the real so when when when but yeah this you know these things the healing error i'm in my healing error am I soft great listen don't come at me right don't come at me with that don't come first of all healing is a lifelong process there is no word there is no such thing as the word healed i believe everybody is always in the process of healing i think once you're healed it's it's time to transition i think that um there is a such now not just healing but there is a such thing as neuroplasticity healing is or uh you know I would say healing is a personal thing like yeah if you feel like you heal okay but neuroplasticity actually actually makes changes to the brain so it actually actually can um change adapt and recognize itself uh throughout life so at first we thought that the prefrontal coat uh cortex was it couldn't be changed after like 21 we thought that was it but that's not true so imagine have you ever been uh driving home and then you get home you're like how did I get here yes yeah wait a minute Jesus I was just thinking about Thursday and I don't know how I got here that's uh that's uh that shows you what your brain usually does we can do something on the side but because our brain knows this way it's gonna get us there the best way it knows how we don't and we're the reason why we're freaking out is because I I don't remember stopping at no lights I don't remember stopping at nothing right right yes but what if you started going home different ways every day that would have your brain like we never did this before let me rewire let me rewire even just I'm before I respond to you I'm gonna take a breath or I'm gonna walk away when you begin to deal with things differently it's teaching your brain to do something different as well okay so your brain is not permanently damaged by trauma it is capable of healing but it's contingent upon what are you willing to work on right right and that's crazy because people will pick and choose like oh I don't want to do that and I don't want to do that I'll wait to talk about that later right wow and that's so that's crazy you know what I think I'm gonna do that when I go to work on Monday I'm going a different route yeah a little different I'm gonna do something different do something different I love that thank you for that thank you for that thank you for that somebody ran me the wrong name and I was like I'm telling everybody this who want to hear it that is so crazy but you know when it yeah when it when it comes to this healing thing it is so difficult and I try to tell people and and here's another thing too because it can be lonely oh yeah it can be lonely because now like I have two best friends and I have my husband he works a lot but I'm my two best friends but even when it comes to family i i mean like I'm estranged from probably 99 of my family you know because especially when you say that we become aware a lot of people call it becoming woke wake up and you I woke up and once you see it you can't unsee it no you can't it's scary that's it you can't unsea honey and you like wait wait wait wait wait you know and um so I you know it's and and I and sometimes I don't know what to do with that sometimes I don't know what to do with that you know but I know that I'm not gonna back down I know I'm I'm not going backwards I'm just not gonna do that you know I've come too far with this thing this healing thing honey you know facing the truth I had to face some truth about myself and it was not pretty and it was downright right embarrassing hurtful even when I think about the things when it comes to my kids you know I have two kids that's that I'm estranged from and even with that I know that what part I played in that right you know uh me and my daughter we've been estranged this for the second time for about a year now and then my son we've been estranged for 10 years and initially I can remember saying I didn't do anything I didn't do anything wrong but then I had to stop and I said no Venus nope let's let's go back let's let's figure this thing out what what part did you play in this and that's that's some things that people don't yeah it's hard and some people don't want to do that because they always want to be right and I'm not even saying the reason why me and my children are estranged right now is because I'm wrong or they're right but I know that it's a compilation of things it hurts it hurts accountability hurts but when that's something you can tell them and they'll see it for themselves absolutely absolutely absolutely absolutely accountability hurts is accountability is not just honesty you heard that it's it's that truth when you by yourself that's right and that stuff is painful all of the details are on the wall all of it written on the wall yes yes and you know here's another thing too I know a lot of people try to make excuses and like yeah because of what happened to me and this I can remember years ago when I was that girl yeah because I was raped yeah because I was molested yeah because I was and that was always my excuse for my behavior you know right that was all my always my now it's like yeah these are the things that happened to me but listen when I feel like when you're another an adult it's your it's your responsibility it's your responsibility and that's what my courts teaches you know just because it's been blue this whole time yeah you hate blue yeah change it just change it change it yeah work to change it so that way your kids can say for the longest time our family did this my father took it upon himself to change it and that's gonna ignite them to change what it is they need to change in their lives and it's the gift that keeps on giving absolutely absolutely absolutely and that's that's where I am now I don't hide nothing my kids don't know a lot about what happened to me they know some surface level things and and that that goes back to you know just not talking about things because you know that's not what our family did right you know we ain't talk about I am the first person in my family to talk about the dysfunction and the trauma that has happened every family they don't like you they don't okay but they don't they but they don't like you but they'll be all right that'll be all right that'll be all right I like you baby yeah but then you know God is so good because when as I've been talking about this for the last 10 years when my book came out my initial book came out um I could see in my family where there are people in my family who are who they are making the steps to change as well like they are starting to own their their stuff they are starting to make changes even when it comes to their own children you know and things like that.
00:53:04.239 --> 00:57:04.639
So I gotta say that whether they like me or not this was my assignment this is where I am I'm going back to the beginning with this and you know I I gotta just not allow anybody to really get me off my A game when it comes to this because like I told you early there are lives that are assigned to me and I know this I knew this from the beginning oh yeah I knew it from the beginning you know and so when it comes to this trauma I know that the that word is so cliche these days but it is what it is it is what it is Candace where could people find you if they wanted to reach out and say girl look I need some help somebody wanted to reach out whether you need help whether you need to talk whatever it is you can reach me on Instagram at C A N D A C E N I C O L E T H O M P S O N Y Y number two so it's Candace Nicole Thompson Y Y two sorry it's long y'all and then my email is Thompson at yeah youtube.org and I'll make sure all that all your information is in the description so when people are listening to the podcast they'll have that to reference to so they can reach out to you um do you have any last words that you want to just tell everybody when it comes to generational transgenerational trauma um when it comes to generational trauma know that you are not cursed and if you feel that you're cursed then you need to be the one to uncurse it and we can talk more about that we can talk more about well I greatly appreciate you for stopping by couch conversations thank you thank you thank you like I told you that um when it comes to trauma this is near and dear to my heart um and I know that with people like you and me um if we just stay 10 toes down with this yes that we may not we listen we may not save a gazillion people but if we can save one person yes one yes one you know yeah then then I think that we're doing okay absolutely um I know even with this journey I've read I've written a few other books i i've written a book about cutoff about being estranged for my children i've written a book about the power of hell no and that's about learning how to tell people no it's about boundaries which I didn't have that I didn't know what that stuff was didn't realize you didn't have it happens a lot and I I've written uh a little bit about a little bit of everything when it comes to my life with you know that um that surface as a result from trauma right so I just want to um thank you for being open and to talk about this a lot of people don't want to thank you for choosing this field for showing up uh to your calling yeah because and especially women of color we don't have them we don't have women of color in psychology we need you yeah we really need you and you and you're rare and you're rare so I just want to let you know that too okay so are you thank you for going back to the beginning because sometimes when you go back to the beginning you don't end up back in the middle that you were exactly and and that is the most beautiful part so I commend you from going to going back to the beginning because that's hard.
00:57:04.880 --> 00:58:00.719
It is it's real hard yeah but I'm gonna make it happen yes you are all right well until the next time you guys thank you thank you thank you and remember if you love a button reach out you can have it girl if you need Candace reach out all her information will be in the description it is so important if you don't need the information you might know somebody who does need the information okay know this that we are here to help that's all this platform is about it's about being real it's about being raw it's about telling the truth it's about saying the things that other people just won't say let's talk about it okay until the next time see y'all bye if I can click it off
00:00:03.120 --> 00:00:05.919
So, hey y'all, welcome back to Couch Conversations.
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Come on in here.
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Um, we have um a tree for y'all today.
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We are gonna be talking about something really deep.
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And this conversation can actually go on and on and on and on, but we're gonna try to keep it to a minimum and we're gonna learn some things in here today.
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So, today we're gonna I'm introducing you today, Miss Candace Thompson.
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She is a founder and executive director of Yeah, you too, a 501c3 nonprofit organization dedicated to creating opportunities for healing, education, and family-centered support.
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Sorry, wait.
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She holds a bachelor's degree in psychology and serves as a qualified mental health specialist with professional experience supporting children, adults, and families affected by trauma, behavior health challenges, behavioral health challenges.
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Sorry about that, substance use, recovery, and involvement with the complex systems.
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I love this.
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Candace is the creator and facilitator of Generation Uncursed, a trauma-informed educational program that helps individuals and families recognize inherited patterns.
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Understands how trauma affects the brain and body and develop practical tools for breaking generational cycles.
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As an author, motivational speaker, mental health advocate, and host of Unmuted with Candace Thompson, she uses professional knowledge and lived experiences to help people move from surviving in silence to healing with awareness and purpose and power.
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Hey, Candace.
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Hey.
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Hey, Ms.
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Venus.
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Thanks for coming on, girl.
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I see you and I see you doing your thing.
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And I'm like, oh my gosh, she's asking for guests.
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So I am girl.
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Yes.
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You know, this, let me tell you, when it comes to this um the trauma, this thing is really, you know, passionate for me, this subject.
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Um I'm not sure if you know my backstory about growing up with child abuse, abandonment, and all that other good stuff.
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We can go into that another time.
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But um, I know that when it came time to tell my story, um, I wrote a book about it and it's called The Silent Scream, My Story, My Truth.
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Um, and I talked about what happened uh in my life.
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And the reason why I felt like I needed to be able to start talking about this, number one, it was a push from God.
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Let me just tell you that, because I really wanted to keep it in.
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But number two, it felt like it was a cancer that was growing inside of me and I was dying.
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I I'm telling, when I say I was literally dying, I was I was literally just dying.
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And when I ended up telling my story about what happened to me, I don't, it's just like all this stuff just unloaded from my body.
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And you know, and so from that point, um, I became a life coach and I talk about trauma recovery, the things that happen to us along the way.
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Um, but you know, yours is all so different, and I love this because you are talking about generational trauma, which people do not believe in this.
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So help us to understand really what is generational trauma.
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So, generational trauma.
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Well, first let's start with trauma.
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Okay, so people think that the uh the manipulation, the sexual abuse, the abuse, the neglect, people think that that is the trauma.
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That's not the trauma, that's the event.
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The trauma is what happens to you as a result of that event.
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So, like anything else, if it is not repaired, it's gonna be repeated.
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If no one, if have you noticed that some things in your family, you like, oh well, we just don't do that.
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Well, why?
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Well, my grandma did it like that, and my great grandmama did it like that, and this is just what we do.
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No one has ever said, hey, this might be wrong.
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Nobody said that.
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So if it's not repaired, it is going to be repeated.
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Absolutely.
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The other thing is that trauma has no race, but it does have history.
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So, you know, it's no race, it's not a black thing, a white thing.
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It's just you know, that's that's the biggest thing.
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Yeah, and I'll break that down in a minute of what the different there's generational trauma, then there's transgenerational trauma.
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Generational is like between mom and daughter.
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Mom and daughter.
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Um mom was in an abusive relationship.
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Her daughter didn't get abused at all, but she told her that the world was not safe for her.
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She told her that no one is good for you.
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She grew up believing these things, so she's still in that pattern almost with her mother, but never experienced it.
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So, you know, it's the same thing.
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How other people are saying, well, we don't talk about our feelings in our family, like that.
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That's just how our family is.
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We've always struggled with addiction, or the men in our family don't cry, or the women in our family have to be strong.
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That's just how it is.
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Yeah, but the thing is, it's like, what if those things were just survival strategies passed out?
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And now everybody's hyper, hyper, you know, everybody's what if this was just the way they had to get through things, not the way you need to get through things.
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Yes, you know, it could it's crazy.
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You said something about um trauma is not uh race.
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I don't know what this thing is that people think that when it comes to trauma or even generational trauma or transgenerational trauma, that it's only amongst the blacks or people of color, like Hispanics or whatever.
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And I and I'm gonna tell you that this is so crazy because I was having a conversation with somebody about this, and she said, Well, y'all, and I'm like, Well, what do you mean, y'all?
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She means black people, because I was talking to somebody who was not black, and it blew my mind that you know, you they really believe that this trauma issue is only amongst the blacks, and I'm not understanding that.
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When you when you're even talking about generational trauma, in what ways does that would you say that it presents itself?
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You said ask that question?
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You said yeah, when you're talking about the generational trauma, transgenerational trauma, in what ways does it present itself?
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Because it isn't just with with people of color.
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Oh yeah.
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So I actually can give you that.
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So it's a human experience, it's not a black experience, it's not a white experience.
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Go back to the Japanese Americans families who experienced wartime.
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Look at the Jewish affected by the Holocaust, the veterans and military families, refugees and immigrants fleeing war.
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I mean, families impacted by slavery and systemic racism.
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What do you think they went through?
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Do you think they're passing down the very they're giving you the best that they can?
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But it's up to you to really become aware and say, I don't need this hypervigilance right now, or I don't need to I don't need to carry what they carry back then because I'm healed from that.
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We don't we're we're in a situation where we can heal from that.
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And so that's what I mean by it's not a uh one, it doesn't just affect one part of us, it's everyone.
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So how would you say that it presents itself?
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It would it presents itself through um first it goes through ACEs, ACIs.
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ACEs are adverse childhood experiences, and that's usually when they're between before the age of 18.
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That is when children are seeing these things.
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Um, they can see neglect, emotional neglect, sexual abuse, um, substance abuse in the home.
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They can see parental separation through divorce, some is going to jail.
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Um, and they travel different ways.
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But if you want to know how you're feeling, um then there's a lot of different different ways that you can feel it.
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So it could be headaches, it could be fatigue, muscle tension, sleep disturbances, high blood pressure, weakened immune system, irritability, depression, guilt, low self-worth, hopelessness, emotional numbness.
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So all of these things, if you're wondering why you're feeling this way, you've been through some things.
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Yeah, right, right, and I'm gonna tell you when you name you named a whole lot of who I used to be.
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Yes.
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When I tell you, you know what I'm going back.
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You said that trauma, people don't even understand that trauma isn't is it what you say?
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It isn't it's not, it's not abuse, yeah, it's not what happened to you, that's the event, it's what happened inside of you because it's yes, that's the trauma, and I think that's the missing piece right there, where people don't even understand.
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Because when people talk about your trauma, oh yeah, because I was beat, or yeah, because I was raped, or yeah, because it did.
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Yeah, baby, that's just the event.
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That is just the event.
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That's just the things that happened to you, yeah.
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Because when I first heard that, it made me mad.
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Yeah, I was like, this is my trauma.
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You don't tell me how to tell my trauma what to do.
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But when I'm thinking about it, it's crazy.
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Yeah, yeah, but it's so crazy because that is the trauma is the after effect, yes, and that is the part where uh people cannot yeah, because what it is is that we we keep focusing on the fact I was abused, I was abused, I was abused, right?
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You're not even focusing on the fact that, yeah, but what does this abuse do to you, you know, and that's what you need to fix.
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I think that when we think about it, we're trying to think, we're trying to fix what happened and not the after effect, you know, the behaviors, behaviors because I have to tell you I had a whole lot of them, you know, and we're and a lot of those behaviors turn to drug and alcoholics.
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Absolutely, absolutely, very easy.
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Yeah, God is so good.
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I'm gonna tell you, God is so good.
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I have never um been addicted to um drugs or I've never tried drugs, and but I've always done alcohols.
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Man, I used to do me, I used to throw them back.
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And when I was throwing my alcohol back and kicking it and having a good time, I always thought that's because I'm having a good time.
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I'm young.
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This is what I'm supposed to do.
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I didn't realize that was my trauma that was showing up.
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I was trying to, you know, trying to to to medicate that.
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Yeah, so it's the difference.
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Some people really want to drink to have a good time.
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Some people drink to get drunk.
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Have you been around those people?
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They drink to get drunk.
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Oh, yeah.
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My mother was an alcoholic.
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Yeah, because that's that's the difference.
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I'm drinking to get drunk.
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Yeah, yeah.
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And you have to ask yourself, like, why what when I think because I have friends, I have friends that's alcoholic.
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I have a sister, she's not my blood sister, but she is my um ex-sister-in-law.
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But I raised her, and she, I mean, she drinks, she can drink about a half gallon, maybe more a day, and she has to.
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But then when I think about what what you just said, I know what happened to her.
00:13:56.480 --> 00:14:04.799
But then the we think you you're talking about, well, the trauma is what what you're going through after the fact, right?
00:14:04.960 --> 00:14:11.279
And I think she has never dealt with it, she has never been honest about it, and I think that's one thing too.
00:14:11.519 --> 00:14:19.279
You really have to be honest about what's happening to you after what happened to you.
00:14:19.519 --> 00:14:21.360
Yes, that's the trauma.
00:14:22.320 --> 00:14:22.960
Yes.
00:14:24.639 --> 00:14:32.480
So, why do you think it's so difficult, like for people to even call that out, to accept that, to recognize that?
00:14:33.279 --> 00:14:35.360
Simply because it's uncomfortable.
00:14:36.559 --> 00:14:43.279
We the the the human brain does a lot to keep us out of uh being uncomfortable.
00:14:43.600 --> 00:14:44.000
Yeah.
00:14:44.559 --> 00:14:48.639
Um, and we have become masters at it ourselves.
00:14:49.679 --> 00:14:55.440
We pick up something to drink, we pick up something to eat, we sex it away, we do things like that.
00:14:55.600 --> 00:15:00.480
We we want we don't want to sit in what we feel.
00:15:01.600 --> 00:15:04.159
So that's the biggest part.
00:15:04.720 --> 00:15:21.519
Um, but the moment that you are the best way to go, get help as soon as you have witnessed this trauma or witnessed this event and going through this trauma because um and a traumatic event is isn't a traumatic event.
00:15:21.759 --> 00:15:30.879
But if it happened to you, it's not you're not going through trauma, you're not going through the situation that happened, you're going through the actual trauma.
00:15:32.080 --> 00:15:45.200
Because those are the feelings, those are the the the things telling you what you should do, and the fight and the flight and the fawn and the all of those things that we you know yeah that's for getting.
00:15:45.360 --> 00:15:45.679
Yeah.
00:15:46.080 --> 00:15:47.279
Absolutely, absolutely.
00:15:47.440 --> 00:15:53.120
So, what would you say to somebody that okay, the um they went what happened to them?
00:15:53.279 --> 00:15:59.519
They were a little kid, they were young, and now here they are as an adult.
00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:01.600
So, what do you do then?
00:16:02.240 --> 00:16:12.960
So I've worked with young adults, I've worked with children, and the one thing I do with them is I f I face it with them.
00:16:15.039 --> 00:16:18.960
When I work with children, we have this big thing.
00:16:20.159 --> 00:16:26.159
But I take it so that we can divide it in different pieces.
00:16:27.360 --> 00:16:35.200
So they are not, and I think that should go for anyone, but I know this worked with children and it seemed to work with adults as well.
00:16:35.600 --> 00:16:39.600
Um, that rumination, that keep thinking about what's happening.
00:16:39.840 --> 00:16:42.240
I can't stop thinking about it, I can't stop thinking about it.
00:16:42.480 --> 00:17:02.399
Once you are actually um, you're in a place where you can talk about it and you're not crying and you're not feeling dirty and damaged and and all those throughout all those things, then we can say, just for today, let's look at this part just for today.
00:17:03.919 --> 00:17:06.960
And and add a little bit maybe the next time.
00:17:07.920 --> 00:17:18.880
If I know somebody's in a terrible, terrible place, I'm not gonna say, let's talk about it, you know, bring it out, let it out.
00:17:19.119 --> 00:17:22.079
No, I'm gonna see where they are for the day.
00:17:22.160 --> 00:17:26.000
I'm gonna see how how they're feeling because they'll let you know.
00:17:26.319 --> 00:17:28.240
Yeah, they'll let you know.
00:17:28.559 --> 00:17:34.160
And then if they're strong enough in that moment to discuss, that's when I use that time.
00:17:34.319 --> 00:17:37.759
If I see they're not strong enough, I'm not bringing up.
00:17:38.000 --> 00:17:39.519
Yeah, yeah.
00:17:39.759 --> 00:17:43.519
How how often or how long do you sit with the client?
00:17:43.839 --> 00:17:50.000
Um to like I've sat with someone for hours.
00:17:50.799 --> 00:17:59.920
Yeah, I've sat with someone for hours, yeah, especially during um a situation uh when they were younger, yeah.
00:18:00.480 --> 00:18:00.960
Hours.
00:18:01.119 --> 00:18:02.240
Yeah, yeah.
00:18:02.559 --> 00:18:05.119
Especially when it's literally not their fault.
00:18:05.599 --> 00:18:06.240
Yeah.
00:18:07.119 --> 00:18:20.400
And you know what's so crazy is one of the reasons I didn't, I know that I didn't want to talk about it, is because when I tried to tell, I was made to be to blame.
00:18:20.559 --> 00:18:21.119
Oh yeah.
00:18:21.440 --> 00:18:35.839
This is when I was this when I was a young girl, and so I figure like, well, and nobody's gonna believe me, so why even talk about it until I'm telling you, when I'm when I say I led a crazy life, God is good, I should be dead.
00:18:36.559 --> 00:18:37.279
I should be dead.
00:18:38.160 --> 00:18:40.400
You tell me I should be dead.
00:18:42.079 --> 00:18:48.799
But yes, because I mean, I was out here wilding out, and God is amazing.
00:18:48.880 --> 00:19:01.920
I had I came out with no diseases, I came out with um the unscarved physically, I mean, you know, yeah, physically, you know, but I'm telling you, I was wilding out, and not only that, I had three children.
00:19:02.000 --> 00:19:07.200
I put my kids through hell, even though I didn't beat them or mistreat them.
00:19:07.359 --> 00:19:17.839
I just I wasn't even available emotionally, you know, because of my trauma, what it had done to me, who it made me, who it made me become, you know.
00:19:18.079 --> 00:19:24.079
So when I wrote my book and started talking about it, I never forget I launched the book.
00:19:24.319 --> 00:19:27.680
And when I launched the book, people came for me.
00:19:27.920 --> 00:19:29.759
They was really upset.
00:19:30.000 --> 00:19:33.680
You mean to tell me that you're upset because I told my story?
00:19:34.480 --> 00:19:35.519
Yeah, they will.
00:19:35.680 --> 00:19:38.480
So I'm gonna tell you my end with that.
00:19:38.720 --> 00:19:41.839
I wrote my first book in 19.
00:19:43.279 --> 00:19:45.359
That was my way of getting it out.
00:19:46.720 --> 00:19:57.839
And it was not a good thing because it made my family uncomfortable because now they're gonna look at me and say, Well, where was I?
00:19:58.319 --> 00:20:02.640
Well Where were you?
00:20:04.079 --> 00:20:08.480
Like if I didn't write this, I would probably be trying to kill myself.
00:20:08.720 --> 00:20:08.960
Right.
00:20:09.279 --> 00:20:12.880
So that I have I've written three books.
00:20:13.119 --> 00:20:16.559
Um, one when I was 19, 21, and 24.
00:20:16.799 --> 00:20:31.839
I made the last one just a um novella because I got to the point where it just became, you know, about me and what they thought I meant and things like that.
00:20:32.160 --> 00:20:38.400
But when I did book signings and when I read my book, that's when I was reaching the people who needed me.
00:20:38.559 --> 00:20:38.880
Yeah.
00:20:39.279 --> 00:20:44.079
Then I started seeing there is someone, you have a light.
00:20:44.640 --> 00:20:55.759
Even in the darkest shadows of life, when you feel like you are in the darkest part of life, you still have a light that people need to see to come out of their darkness.
00:20:55.920 --> 00:21:06.160
Yes, and everybody around you will tell you it's not light because all they see is this darkness, but you have a light, and what's gonna look for that light?
00:21:06.319 --> 00:21:14.079
Not the darkness, but the light, the ones that need the light will find it, they will find it, they will find you exactly.
00:21:14.160 --> 00:21:46.880
You better say that, and I always tell people I said until you show up, there is people that is dying on your watch, yeah, because that's gonna allow us to go through what we went through and we survived it to be able to tell the story because there are other people that we are assigned to, we are assigned to them, and what and look at how I it make it can give you anxiety when you think of how many assignments are out there, how many don't understand the assignments, and how many are there for me, right?
00:21:48.160 --> 00:21:57.039
That's that's when I started putting an urgency on my assignments, yeah, yeah, because I'm like, this ain't just about me.
00:21:57.200 --> 00:21:59.759
Yeah, this is this assignment is for.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:04.400
Somebody else to move, somebody else to move, somebody else who may be supposed to move me.
00:22:04.559 --> 00:22:04.799
Yeah.
00:22:04.960 --> 00:22:08.640
But if I'm just chilling, they just chilling.
00:22:08.799 --> 00:22:10.000
We ain't gonna get this.
00:22:10.160 --> 00:22:11.440
We're not gonna get nowhere.
00:22:11.599 --> 00:22:13.119
You're keeping it inside.
00:22:13.359 --> 00:22:25.440
Yeah, and you know, and and the let me tell you what the crazy thing about it is even after I wrote this book and they came for me, I felt re-victimized.
00:22:25.680 --> 00:22:29.839
All that resurfaced again.
00:22:30.079 --> 00:22:31.119
I got scared.
00:22:31.200 --> 00:22:34.559
I'm gonna tell you, I punked out, had my book taken down.
00:22:34.640 --> 00:22:36.160
I was like, I can't do this.
00:22:36.319 --> 00:22:37.519
But then I'm gonna tell you something.
00:22:37.759 --> 00:22:38.880
God turned that around.
00:22:39.039 --> 00:22:40.960
He was like, Oh no, no, no, no, no.
00:22:41.200 --> 00:22:45.279
I signed you to this, this is where you're going, this is what you're gonna do.
00:22:45.440 --> 00:22:50.160
And as long as long as you believe in me and know that I'm here with you, I'm your strength.
00:22:50.559 --> 00:22:53.759
And then after years went by, people started coming around.
00:22:53.839 --> 00:22:58.240
There's still some relationships that are forever broken, and I'm okay with that.
00:22:58.480 --> 00:23:02.319
I'm truly okay with that because I refuse to be silent.
00:23:02.960 --> 00:23:04.640
This trauma has got to stop.
00:23:04.720 --> 00:23:20.400
There's so many things like that happens in these families, and I don't want to just say, listen, I want to say all families, I want to just even bring it in on black families, especially it's important.
00:23:20.880 --> 00:23:22.319
We are the ones, uh-huh.
00:23:22.720 --> 00:23:24.400
Yeah, yeah.
00:23:24.559 --> 00:23:27.359
We are the ones that refuse to to talk.
00:23:27.599 --> 00:23:30.079
What happens in my house, stay in my house.
00:23:30.319 --> 00:23:32.000
Yes, you know what?
00:23:32.160 --> 00:23:37.119
That's the way my grandmother did it, so you're gonna do it that way too, right?
00:23:37.359 --> 00:23:38.319
Like, what?
00:23:39.200 --> 00:23:58.319
Yeah, that that's the but you know that came from you know back in Jim Crow and it passed down and passed down on because we for so many years, look at how they treated the the father of the slaves.
00:24:00.319 --> 00:24:07.359
That they they separated them, they sold them, they beat them in front to take away that power that they had.
00:24:07.680 --> 00:24:25.200
And you know, when I look at especially families in the black community, I this is why I do this with Ye U2 Um, because some people are not even aware that they can change.
00:24:27.119 --> 00:24:35.599
That part, that part, they have no idea that they can change, yeah.
00:24:38.880 --> 00:24:50.240
But Candace, even when they do feel find out, oh I I can change, they don't know how they don't know how there's not enough people like us that say, Come on, get your hand, let me show you how to do this.
00:24:50.480 --> 00:24:55.440
But then even when you do, there's still resistance.
00:24:55.680 --> 00:25:27.519
There's resistance, then you so you you uh girl because there's resistance, so not only is there resistance trying to help, not is there is not only is there resistance trying to reach your your uh assignment, not only is there resistance from people on the outside saying, uh not only is there resistance on the outside from people saying I could do that too.
00:25:27.759 --> 00:25:28.240
Uh-huh.
00:25:29.039 --> 00:25:33.759
Not only is there resistance from the people who say, Oh, they think they're doing that.
00:25:33.839 --> 00:25:35.119
Well, they're doing too much.
00:25:36.720 --> 00:25:38.319
These that's the resistance.
00:25:38.559 --> 00:25:40.480
Yeah, that's the resistance.
00:25:40.640 --> 00:25:41.920
That's the resistance.
00:25:42.480 --> 00:25:51.519
That right there, let me hurry up and make three of what they're talking about so that I can say I'm gonna girl, run down the street and run back.
00:25:53.519 --> 00:25:54.160
Yes.
00:25:56.160 --> 00:25:59.119
Let me make three of them so it looked like I had already did that.
00:25:59.200 --> 00:26:03.440
So when I already did that, and then they think come out, they just look like they did this.
00:26:03.519 --> 00:26:06.079
And look, y'all, it ain't a competition.
00:26:06.319 --> 00:26:08.400
We are out here healing lives, bro.
00:26:08.640 --> 00:26:13.279
Yes, we're not out here for a competition, right?
00:26:13.519 --> 00:26:21.440
Have your group out, have your have your kids home, have your do whatever it is that is your assignment, because guess what?
00:26:21.599 --> 00:26:24.079
We all don't get the same one.
00:26:24.400 --> 00:26:30.240
That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, and I just do not understand that.
00:26:30.480 --> 00:26:47.680
And let me tell you, I've been at this for about 10 years now, and it's like I'm so exhausted, but I I know it's my assignment, and that's one of the reasons why I'm doing this this little 12-week series thing called 11 the beginning back to the beginning.
00:26:48.799 --> 00:26:50.640
My truth, my assignment.
00:26:50.880 --> 00:26:56.000
When you don't know where else, don't know when you don't know where else to go, go back to the beginning.
00:26:56.240 --> 00:26:57.759
Just go back to the beginning, right?
00:26:58.000 --> 00:26:58.880
That's it.
00:26:59.119 --> 00:27:02.240
If I had to start over again, that's what I'm gonna do.
00:27:02.400 --> 00:27:26.240
There has been have been thousands, and I'm I'm not even talking, I'm not even exaggerating, thousands of women who have contacted me that I've had conversations with that have helped to change their life and you know, things like that, but it's almost like I don't know, you get to a certain level in this business, and it's like um the it's the competition thing.
00:27:26.400 --> 00:27:27.920
Listen, I don't want to be in competition.
00:27:28.079 --> 00:27:30.960
Matter of fact, if you can do it better than me, teach me.
00:27:31.200 --> 00:27:38.640
Teach me, listen to that we can do it together and we can partner because girl, it's out here this listen.
00:27:38.720 --> 00:27:45.920
I always tell people, and especially about women, if women are healthy, our communities are healthy.
00:27:46.079 --> 00:27:54.000
We are the backbones of our communities, absolutely, but until we get this right up here, it's gonna always be sick.
00:27:54.079 --> 00:28:03.920
And let me tell you, there are folks that is betting on us to stay sick up here so that our communities do not thrive, right?
00:28:04.480 --> 00:28:13.599
So everybody has a has a role to play, and people need to realize which role it is they want to play.
00:28:14.400 --> 00:28:15.119
Exactly.
00:28:15.359 --> 00:28:16.880
Get in it and stay in it.
00:28:17.039 --> 00:28:18.960
Yeah, what are you assigned to?
00:28:19.039 --> 00:28:20.720
You have to know your assignment, yeah.
00:28:20.960 --> 00:28:21.680
Okay, you have to know.
00:28:21.920 --> 00:28:24.799
And if you don't, that can be very dangerous when you don't know your assignment.
00:28:25.200 --> 00:28:29.519
Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely.
00:28:29.920 --> 00:28:37.200
That's just like uh just recently I launched this uh mentorship for girls, and I do believe it's something that I'm supposed to do.
00:28:37.359 --> 00:28:45.519
Maybe it isn't right now, but when I started going into that girl, if let me tell you something, that's a whole nother world.
00:28:46.000 --> 00:28:47.359
It's a whole nother world.
00:28:47.519 --> 00:28:55.599
I have people who don't even know me fighting against me, so you fighting against me because, like, why?
00:28:56.319 --> 00:28:57.519
Well, I'm trying to help.
00:28:57.839 --> 00:29:07.920
Because you're you, yeah, just because you're you, yes, yes, but you know, but anyway, let's not tell you about this generational trauma thing.
00:29:08.000 --> 00:29:11.920
It can go to it can just go deep, it can go really deep.
00:29:12.160 --> 00:29:14.480
How do you think that when it comes to parenting?
00:29:14.559 --> 00:29:19.440
Because I know even with with me with parenting, it affected my parenting.
00:29:19.680 --> 00:29:23.440
How do you think that it affects the parenting style?
00:29:24.000 --> 00:29:36.319
It affects me parenting, and it affects the parenting style because all the things you're never ready to have a child, you're never truly ready, even if you want to be ready.
00:29:36.640 --> 00:29:44.160
There are things called learned behaviors, and there are things that we just learn by watching.
00:29:44.319 --> 00:29:59.759
That's how children learn us through watching, they can't talk, but they if you notice children, if they see mommy and daddy arguing and they want to play something, they know exactly which parent to go to, which parent not to.
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:01.839
So they're very smart.
00:30:02.160 --> 00:30:11.039
But when it comes to that, if that's just an example of uh of that how they know how to manipulate based on your emotions, yeah.
00:30:11.359 --> 00:30:16.000
So they know they know.
00:30:16.319 --> 00:30:25.039
Um, I think we now uh there's a lot a lot of hypervigilance, a lot of what you doing, sit on.
00:30:25.279 --> 00:30:28.400
No, what you sit on what you doing?
00:30:28.480 --> 00:30:29.680
No, no, no, no.
00:30:29.920 --> 00:30:34.880
And and we have to like okay, is this them?
00:30:36.000 --> 00:30:38.400
Is this my baby doing this or is this me?
00:30:40.079 --> 00:30:42.319
That's the distinction I have to try to make.
00:30:42.640 --> 00:30:42.960
Right.
00:30:43.200 --> 00:30:44.880
I had a bad day, baby.
00:30:44.960 --> 00:30:45.839
I'm sorry.
00:30:46.880 --> 00:30:51.440
You know how you how do you how do you think that you corrected?
00:30:51.759 --> 00:30:52.559
They're having a bad day.
00:30:52.640 --> 00:30:59.279
Okay, and I was also sorry, I didn't know it was kind of delayed.
00:30:59.359 --> 00:30:59.680
I didn't know.
00:30:59.920 --> 00:31:03.680
So it's just like oh that's all right.
00:31:03.759 --> 00:31:12.160
I um I I just was looking like wow, it it makes a big difference because it the cycle just keeps going on and on and on and on.
00:31:12.319 --> 00:31:17.039
This is from great, great, great, great, great, you know, and to us now.
00:31:17.200 --> 00:31:28.559
So, of course, if we haven't really taken everything apart to see what we've been made of this whole time, that's why I think you're going back to the beginning is so powerful.
00:31:28.799 --> 00:31:42.160
And I was like, maybe I can do that one day, you know, going back to the beginning because sometimes we don't remix the beginning, yes, being so far out here, we don't even remember to start again.
00:31:42.640 --> 00:31:46.160
So I think that is that's perfect, yeah.
00:31:46.480 --> 00:32:01.759
Yeah, I definitely felt like maybe I needed to because it felt like for some reason um nothing was sticking, and I know things change, and especially over a course of 10 years.
00:32:01.920 --> 00:32:07.119
When I started this 10 years ago, I didn't know what I was doing, I was just stepping out on faith.
00:32:07.279 --> 00:32:15.039
And when I see how things sort of kind of work now, it's like I need to tackle it from a different angle.
00:32:15.599 --> 00:32:32.400
I know that you spoke of a program that you have um that you where you're going into um some of the I don't know what those are called, um, not jails, but the rehab places or something like that.
00:32:32.720 --> 00:32:33.279
Mm-hmm.
00:32:33.680 --> 00:32:34.240
Yeah.
00:32:34.559 --> 00:32:34.880
Yeah.
00:32:35.200 --> 00:32:36.000
That you're teaching.
00:32:36.079 --> 00:32:36.319
Yeah.
00:32:36.480 --> 00:32:38.160
Tell me a little bit about that.
00:32:38.480 --> 00:32:47.359
My program is called Generation Uncursed, and I found out that um I think it was Grafton Prison once it.
00:32:48.720 --> 00:32:57.680
And so um we're working on things there because I they want me to come, but they don't necessarily want to pay me to come.
00:32:58.000 --> 00:33:03.680
And so everybody, somebody told me to be careful because they just want to take your stuff.
00:33:03.920 --> 00:33:04.559
Yeah.
00:33:06.079 --> 00:33:10.000
So uh, but yes, Craft in Prison does want it.
00:33:10.160 --> 00:33:12.160
Um, I'm excited to work with them.
00:33:12.319 --> 00:33:16.960
I was just waiting for them to, you know, get everything together.
00:33:17.279 --> 00:33:33.200
But um I didn't even think about re-entry until I started working with um younger children and was seeing some of the parents who did not have jobs, to who didn't have, couldn't get housing and things like that.
00:33:33.519 --> 00:33:34.720
So I was like, wow.
00:33:34.880 --> 00:33:43.119
And I always had uh I had kept having a mom that was like, you know, had something going on, justice impacted.
00:33:43.839 --> 00:33:52.319
And I decided to have uh just let's just have a big uh female felon job here.
00:33:53.039 --> 00:34:01.680
That's what I said, and I had Ohio means jobs, dressed for success, um Cleveland, um, city of Cleveland.
00:34:01.839 --> 00:34:13.119
I mean, we had everybody at the um the Midtown Collaboration Center uh back in May, and it was so wonderful, like everything was under one roof.
00:34:13.360 --> 00:34:18.400
You could get you a job, you could get you uh clothes for a job.
00:34:18.639 --> 00:34:19.679
It was amazing.
00:34:19.840 --> 00:34:22.079
So I will be having another one as well.
00:34:22.400 --> 00:34:24.000
That's gonna be exciting.
00:34:24.480 --> 00:34:25.599
That's gonna be exciting.
00:34:25.760 --> 00:34:31.280
So the program that you teach, are you allowed to touch on it a little bit about what you talked about program?
00:34:31.840 --> 00:34:37.599
Yes, so the program I teach, it just got a four-week extension at uh North Star.
00:34:38.159 --> 00:34:48.239
North Star is 1834 55th Street, and it starts again on September 9th, and it's every Wednesday for four Wednesdays.
00:34:48.639 --> 00:34:54.800
And we talk about things in the beginning, such as what is trauma, what trauma is not.
00:34:54.960 --> 00:34:58.719
We look at the parts of the brain like the amygdala.
00:34:58.880 --> 00:35:04.800
Uh, the amygdala being that alarm system, it detects uh danger.
00:35:05.039 --> 00:35:09.199
Yeah, um, that's the part that that survival mode we're in.
00:35:09.280 --> 00:35:26.719
So uh we we talk about that, we talk about the hippocampus, uh, the memory system, how our memories are made long long, short, uh long and short term memory, and the uh the prefrontal frontal coat uh cortex.
00:35:27.039 --> 00:35:37.760
So we talk about all those things and the emotional side effects of them, and we look at the different inherited beliefs.
00:35:37.920 --> 00:35:44.880
We look at triggers, how we could have responded differently to that, how maybe we couldn't have.
00:35:45.440 --> 00:35:49.360
Um it's a good good time, yeah.
00:35:49.519 --> 00:35:57.519
Um yeah, I definitely I would definitely love to come.
00:35:57.599 --> 00:36:02.400
I wish it went so far away, but um I'm gonna we're gonna start doing a little bit of virtual.
00:36:02.559 --> 00:36:04.559
I think we're gonna try to do virtual as well.
00:36:04.800 --> 00:36:06.239
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:36:06.400 --> 00:36:10.079
Yeah, because it was people that won the RSVP.
00:36:10.239 --> 00:36:12.800
So I was like, okay, I'll make it virtual too.
00:36:13.039 --> 00:36:14.639
Yeah, that's amazing.
00:36:15.039 --> 00:36:17.519
You said something about the amygdala amygdala.
00:36:17.840 --> 00:36:18.719
I'm a nurse.
00:36:18.880 --> 00:36:24.079
Oh and I can't, but I'm thinking about changing my major now.
00:36:24.159 --> 00:36:25.920
I'm gonna tell you about that a little bit.
00:36:26.159 --> 00:36:41.199
But um, you talked about the amygdala, and that is where that where your you said your fear or when it when something bad is happening, yeah, it detects it.
00:36:41.280 --> 00:36:42.480
It detects danger.
00:36:42.800 --> 00:36:45.599
Yeah, so it detects danger going around.
00:36:45.840 --> 00:36:53.039
What do you think happens when somebody has suffered so much trauma that that thing don't work?
00:36:53.119 --> 00:36:58.000
Because I'm gonna tell you when I was in my 20s and my 30s, because I was crazy, right?
00:36:58.320 --> 00:37:01.119
Right, I had no fear, there was no fear.
00:37:01.440 --> 00:37:04.239
Yeah, that's a scary place to be, Venus.
00:37:04.639 --> 00:37:06.079
And I've been there too.
00:37:06.239 --> 00:37:12.960
When you whoever's listening, if you have nothing else left to lose, you're in a dangerous spot.
00:37:13.760 --> 00:37:18.239
And that is the point you need to realize you have everything to lose.
00:37:19.360 --> 00:37:21.599
Don't don't get talked up out of your hookup.
00:37:22.239 --> 00:37:24.239
Yeah, please.
00:37:24.559 --> 00:37:28.719
Yeah, amygdala detects danger going around us.
00:37:29.760 --> 00:37:33.280
That's just to say we were walking and we saw a great big dog.
00:37:33.440 --> 00:37:34.480
Are you gonna stop?
00:37:35.039 --> 00:37:36.960
Are you gonna start running from that dog?
00:37:37.519 --> 00:37:39.199
Are you just gonna pass out?
00:37:39.519 --> 00:37:40.239
That's one of them.
00:37:40.480 --> 00:37:45.599
Yeah, are you gonna are you gonna try to help get get some help the dog, talk to the dog?
00:37:45.679 --> 00:37:46.960
What what are you gonna do?
00:37:47.280 --> 00:37:54.800
So the amygdala, it is it's the body's uh, you know, fight, flight or freeze system.
00:37:55.519 --> 00:38:04.400
And when it's going on too long, like you said, Venus, uh people are on guard even when there's not when they're safe.
00:38:07.039 --> 00:38:19.280
So those people can be in a safe place, but they're so used to living in a room full of vultures that they don't know how to relax.
00:38:20.400 --> 00:38:31.679
Then you wonder why you got high blood pressure, then you wonder why you can't sleep, then you wonder why you you're gonna have to see a therapist and all of these different things.
00:38:32.159 --> 00:38:34.079
It is very true.
00:38:34.480 --> 00:38:37.280
Yeah, yeah.
00:38:38.559 --> 00:38:42.400
So, what do you think happens to like is it numbed?
00:38:42.639 --> 00:38:46.719
Is it what happens to because when I think about it's oh that's scary.
00:38:46.800 --> 00:38:47.920
Sometimes it scares me.
00:38:48.239 --> 00:38:50.079
Well, it's happening all over the place.
00:38:50.719 --> 00:38:55.840
You know, have you seen on the news somebody got killed for stepping on somebody's shoe?
00:38:56.719 --> 00:38:59.199
Yeah, those type of things.
00:39:00.000 --> 00:39:06.639
That's usually when the amygdala has yeah, it it took over.
00:39:07.119 --> 00:39:08.400
Yeah, wow.
00:39:08.719 --> 00:39:14.239
Something small or somebody getting stabbed eight to twelve times, they just lost it.
00:39:14.480 --> 00:39:18.079
Yeah, that's usually how that goes, yeah.
00:39:18.480 --> 00:39:29.519
Yeah, and that's crazy because like I said, when when I was younger, I had no, I had no when I say no fear, I mean none.
00:39:29.679 --> 00:39:30.079
No fear.
00:39:30.559 --> 00:39:32.000
I feared nothing.
00:39:32.159 --> 00:39:37.280
There was nothing that that scared only thing I'm gonna tell, which is I guess is a good thing to this day.
00:39:37.519 --> 00:39:52.159
The only thing that really feared me was God, and that's the only thing that could bring you back, but the only thing that feared me about God is if I die doing all these crazy things, I'm not gonna get to go to heaven.
00:39:52.239 --> 00:40:01.280
That's that's that always sat in the back of my brain, but it didn't stop me, it didn't stop me from doing the things that I did and put myself in danger.
00:40:01.360 --> 00:40:05.199
I mean, I literally did things that put myself in danger.
00:40:05.760 --> 00:40:10.159
I always protected my children and made sure they were safe.
00:40:10.320 --> 00:40:16.960
But when it came to me, I'm thinking that maybe I just felt like I didn't deserve that safety.
00:40:17.039 --> 00:40:31.119
I I and I and I'm gonna tell you, I I can never, ever, ever in my life until just recently um ever remember feeling safe until I just got I got married three years ago.
00:40:31.440 --> 00:40:38.639
When I got married to this man, did this is this is this man make me feel safe.
00:40:38.800 --> 00:40:44.800
Other than that, I have never I haven't slept, I haven't slept in years, like in years.
00:40:45.039 --> 00:40:46.480
I just started sleeping.
00:40:46.639 --> 00:41:03.199
Yes, so you know, so yeah, I I want to know, and I might have to study that a little bit more about what happens with this amygdala thing, amygdala thing, um, when these events happen to you and you're going through trauma.
00:41:04.159 --> 00:41:06.159
You know, why is it dead?
00:41:08.239 --> 00:41:09.280
You know, yeah.
00:41:09.519 --> 00:41:15.280
So the thing is, it just it's all about getting awareness.
00:41:15.920 --> 00:41:21.039
Um, and once you can be aware, like I know what I'm feeling right now.
00:41:21.519 --> 00:41:26.880
Is this the actual thing that hurt me, or is this my feelings about the thing that hurt me?
00:41:27.599 --> 00:41:31.039
And that right there makes a big difference.
00:41:32.480 --> 00:41:34.079
A really big difference.
00:41:34.400 --> 00:41:35.039
Yeah.
00:41:36.320 --> 00:41:36.800
Wow.
00:41:37.039 --> 00:41:39.599
This subject is, I mean, it's really deep.
00:41:39.679 --> 00:41:49.679
It's it's really deep, and it actually triggers some things inside of me, which I'm I'm uh, you know, I have the tools to to deal with it now, but wow.
00:41:50.480 --> 00:41:55.360
You can call me afterwards, you can call me anytime.
00:41:55.519 --> 00:41:57.920
I might be calling you one night like Venus.
00:41:58.639 --> 00:41:59.599
I do not mind.
00:41:59.760 --> 00:42:00.559
I do not mind.
00:42:00.639 --> 00:42:02.880
I get calling hims all the time.
00:42:03.039 --> 00:42:11.119
And the one thing that I that that um you know it just it bothers me about people is that they say they want help.
00:42:11.519 --> 00:42:12.800
Do they really want help?
00:42:12.960 --> 00:42:15.440
Do they really want help to address these traumas?
00:42:15.679 --> 00:42:18.079
Or they just really want to do the work.
00:42:18.239 --> 00:42:20.559
They don't want to do the work, they don't want to do the work.
00:42:20.800 --> 00:42:23.199
And when you say the word honey, that work is hard.
00:42:23.440 --> 00:42:45.280
It is that work, that hard, that work will first of all, let me just tell you when you do when you when you do the work, it changes you, it changes who you be with, it changes the people around you, changes where you go, how you do things, how you talk, how you walk.
00:42:45.519 --> 00:42:47.039
It changes everything.
00:42:47.360 --> 00:42:49.119
I tell my classes this.
00:42:49.360 --> 00:42:57.679
I say, I always hear, I'm in my healing era, I'm in my soft era, I'm in my it's not an aesthetic.
00:42:57.920 --> 00:42:59.599
Healing is hard.
00:42:59.760 --> 00:43:01.599
It's hard, and it's gonna cost you something.
00:43:03.119 --> 00:43:17.920
It's gonna cost you your excuses, it's gonna cost you your ex your comfort zone, your old habits, yes, your toxic relationships, your pride.
00:43:18.079 --> 00:43:20.480
Yeah, what you gonna do without your pride?
00:43:20.719 --> 00:43:25.360
Right, and this stuff is like comfort food, yeah.
00:43:25.519 --> 00:43:26.960
It's like comfort food.
00:43:27.039 --> 00:43:28.400
Okay, I love it.
00:43:29.920 --> 00:43:34.480
It could cost you your confidence, yeah.
00:43:36.320 --> 00:43:40.400
This is real, everything you gotta check out this one chick.
00:43:40.559 --> 00:43:41.679
This this is my sis.
00:43:41.920 --> 00:43:43.440
I love this girl.
00:43:43.760 --> 00:43:45.599
Man, we met on a whim.
00:43:45.840 --> 00:43:47.599
Her name is Jewel Carter.
00:43:48.320 --> 00:43:52.079
This girl's so fire, and she talks about the mirror, honey.
00:43:52.320 --> 00:43:55.199
And that's another thing, too.
00:43:55.360 --> 00:43:59.760
When you talk about healing, you got to look in that mirror, yeah.
00:44:00.159 --> 00:53:04.000
And you have that you you have to you you can't you can't lie to yourself you can lie to everybody else you can't lie to yourself when you look in that mirror honey you you could try to lie if you want to you know the real though right yeah you know the real so when when when but yeah this you know these things the healing error i'm in my healing error am I soft great listen don't come at me right don't come at me with that don't come first of all healing is a lifelong process there is no word there is no such thing as the word healed i believe everybody is always in the process of healing i think once you're healed it's it's time to transition i think that um there is a such now not just healing but there is a such thing as neuroplasticity healing is or uh you know I would say healing is a personal thing like yeah if you feel like you heal okay but neuroplasticity actually actually makes changes to the brain so it actually actually can um change adapt and recognize itself uh throughout life so at first we thought that the prefrontal coat uh cortex was it couldn't be changed after like 21 we thought that was it but that's not true so imagine have you ever been uh driving home and then you get home you're like how did I get here yes yeah wait a minute Jesus I was just thinking about Thursday and I don't know how I got here that's uh that's uh that shows you what your brain usually does we can do something on the side but because our brain knows this way it's gonna get us there the best way it knows how we don't and we're the reason why we're freaking out is because I I don't remember stopping at no lights I don't remember stopping at nothing right right yes but what if you started going home different ways every day that would have your brain like we never did this before let me rewire let me rewire even just I'm before I respond to you I'm gonna take a breath or I'm gonna walk away when you begin to deal with things differently it's teaching your brain to do something different as well okay so your brain is not permanently damaged by trauma it is capable of healing but it's contingent upon what are you willing to work on right right and that's crazy because people will pick and choose like oh I don't want to do that and I don't want to do that I'll wait to talk about that later right wow and that's so that's crazy you know what I think I'm gonna do that when I go to work on Monday I'm going a different route yeah a little different I'm gonna do something different do something different I love that thank you for that thank you for that thank you for that somebody ran me the wrong name and I was like I'm telling everybody this who want to hear it that is so crazy but you know when it yeah when it when it comes to this healing thing it is so difficult and I try to tell people and and here's another thing too because it can be lonely oh yeah it can be lonely because now like I have two best friends and I have my husband he works a lot but I'm my two best friends but even when it comes to family i i mean like I'm estranged from probably 99 of my family you know because especially when you say that we become aware a lot of people call it becoming woke wake up and you I woke up and once you see it you can't unsee it no you can't it's scary that's it you can't unsea honey and you like wait wait wait wait wait you know and um so I you know it's and and I and sometimes I don't know what to do with that sometimes I don't know what to do with that you know but I know that I'm not gonna back down I know I'm I'm not going backwards I'm just not gonna do that you know I've come too far with this thing this healing thing honey you know facing the truth I had to face some truth about myself and it was not pretty and it was downright right embarrassing hurtful even when I think about the things when it comes to my kids you know I have two kids that's that I'm estranged from and even with that I know that what part I played in that right you know uh me and my daughter we've been estranged this for the second time for about a year now and then my son we've been estranged for 10 years and initially I can remember saying I didn't do anything I didn't do anything wrong but then I had to stop and I said no Venus nope let's let's go back let's let's figure this thing out what what part did you play in this and that's that's some things that people don't yeah it's hard and some people don't want to do that because they always want to be right and I'm not even saying the reason why me and my children are estranged right now is because I'm wrong or they're right but I know that it's a compilation of things it hurts it hurts accountability hurts but when that's something you can tell them and they'll see it for themselves absolutely absolutely absolutely absolutely accountability hurts is accountability is not just honesty you heard that it's it's that truth when you by yourself that's right and that stuff is painful all of the details are on the wall all of it written on the wall yes yes and you know here's another thing too I know a lot of people try to make excuses and like yeah because of what happened to me and this I can remember years ago when I was that girl yeah because I was raped yeah because I was molested yeah because I was and that was always my excuse for my behavior you know right that was all my always my now it's like yeah these are the things that happened to me but listen when I feel like when you're another an adult it's your it's your responsibility it's your responsibility and that's what my courts teaches you know just because it's been blue this whole time yeah you hate blue yeah change it just change it change it yeah work to change it so that way your kids can say for the longest time our family did this my father took it upon himself to change it and that's gonna ignite them to change what it is they need to change in their lives and it's the gift that keeps on giving absolutely absolutely absolutely and that's that's where I am now I don't hide nothing my kids don't know a lot about what happened to me they know some surface level things and and that that goes back to you know just not talking about things because you know that's not what our family did right you know we ain't talk about I am the first person in my family to talk about the dysfunction and the trauma that has happened every family they don't like you they don't okay but they don't they but they don't like you but they'll be all right that'll be all right that'll be all right I like you baby yeah but then you know God is so good because when as I've been talking about this for the last 10 years when my book came out my initial book came out um I could see in my family where there are people in my family who are who they are making the steps to change as well like they are starting to own their their stuff they are starting to make changes even when it comes to their own children you know and things like that.
00:53:04.239 --> 00:57:04.639
So I gotta say that whether they like me or not this was my assignment this is where I am I'm going back to the beginning with this and you know I I gotta just not allow anybody to really get me off my A game when it comes to this because like I told you early there are lives that are assigned to me and I know this I knew this from the beginning oh yeah I knew it from the beginning you know and so when it comes to this trauma I know that the that word is so cliche these days but it is what it is it is what it is Candace where could people find you if they wanted to reach out and say girl look I need some help somebody wanted to reach out whether you need help whether you need to talk whatever it is you can reach me on Instagram at C A N D A C E N I C O L E T H O M P S O N Y Y number two so it's Candace Nicole Thompson Y Y two sorry it's long y'all and then my email is Thompson at yeah youtube.org and I'll make sure all that all your information is in the description so when people are listening to the podcast they'll have that to reference to so they can reach out to you um do you have any last words that you want to just tell everybody when it comes to generational transgenerational trauma um when it comes to generational trauma know that you are not cursed and if you feel that you're cursed then you need to be the one to uncurse it and we can talk more about that we can talk more about well I greatly appreciate you for stopping by couch conversations thank you thank you thank you like I told you that um when it comes to trauma this is near and dear to my heart um and I know that with people like you and me um if we just stay 10 toes down with this yes that we may not we listen we may not save a gazillion people but if we can save one person yes one yes one you know yeah then then I think that we're doing okay absolutely um I know even with this journey I've read I've written a few other books i i've written a book about cutoff about being estranged for my children i've written a book about the power of hell no and that's about learning how to tell people no it's about boundaries which I didn't have that I didn't know what that stuff was didn't realize you didn't have it happens a lot and I I've written uh a little bit about a little bit of everything when it comes to my life with you know that um that surface as a result from trauma right so I just want to um thank you for being open and to talk about this a lot of people don't want to thank you for choosing this field for showing up uh to your calling yeah because and especially women of color we don't have them we don't have women of color in psychology we need you yeah we really need you and you and you're rare and you're rare so I just want to let you know that too okay so are you thank you for going back to the beginning because sometimes when you go back to the beginning you don't end up back in the middle that you were exactly and and that is the most beautiful part so I commend you from going to going back to the beginning because that's hard.
00:57:04.880 --> 00:58:00.719
It is it's real hard yeah but I'm gonna make it happen yes you are all right well until the next time you guys thank you thank you thank you and remember if you love a button reach out you can have it girl if you need Candace reach out all her information will be in the description it is so important if you don't need the information you might know somebody who does need the information okay know this that we are here to help that's all this platform is about it's about being real it's about being raw it's about telling the truth it's about saying the things that other people just won't say let's talk about it okay until the next time see y'all bye if I can click it off
