Prepare for Launch: Elementary

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Welcome back to Intentional Parenting at Mariner's Church.
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My name is Jared.
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I got my wife Kim with us again today.
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We are really excited about sitting down with Chaz and Heatherly as we talk about launching our kids well into the world.
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So, Chaz and Heatherly, thank you guys so much for joining us.
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Thanks for being on the podcast.
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Um, let's, as we just jump in, first of all, thank you for the ways you guys already serve our church in kids' ministry as shepherding elders, like really caring for so many people in such meaningful ways.
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And I'm really appreciative of it.
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Just before we started recording, you guys were talking about even just some of the COVID memories of getting to serve our church and kids' ministry and things.
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And so I'm I'm grateful for the longevity, for the investment, as you're both having a you know a great marriage and you're trying to raise kids.
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And here you are also, I'm sure you have jobs and all those other things too.
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So thank you for being here.
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Oh, it's our pleasure.
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Yeah, no, thanks for having us.
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We're we're excited to get the invite.
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I'm like, there are a lot of people you could have invited, but you chose us.
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That's true.
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Highly recommended.
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Mom Co was a part of the recommendation as well.
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Yeah.
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I have a lot of history with that.
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There's a whole network of people that are talking about you guys.
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So we're Momco or MOPS.
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I was it was MOPS when I was saying now I feel really old because someone started talking about Momco and I was like, what's Momco?
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Yeah, no, it's rough.
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It's rough to make that transition.
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It's like you age yourself immediately when you talk about mops.
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I do appreciate it though, because acronyms I get lost all the time.
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I uh mothers of preschoolers.
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Right.
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So you have to explain it.
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And then I even said it with a big question mark at the end there.
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Momco, I kind of get it.
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Although I don't know what the co is.
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Yeah, no.
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It feels almost like an MLM.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Yeah.
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But either way, it sounds great.
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Yeah.
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No, it is great.
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It is great.
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Why don't you just give us a sense of your family, your home, and like what's something happening right now in your house that's just good for us to hear as parents?
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Yeah, no.
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So uh family-wise, so we have three children uh in various uh age groups, but right now we have uh two in elementary school, one in our middle school.
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So we have two girls and a boy that are our almost 13-year-old, our 10-year-old, and our seven-year-old who just turned seven today.
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So happy birthday, Hawthorne.
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Um and it's a great time right now.
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Um we love uh you know being together.
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We love being at church.
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Um and we'll talk about a little more about it later, right?
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Um but we love to serve together.
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So um that's kind of how we we position ourselves and how we enjoy being a family.
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Yeah, we're in a really fun stage.
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I say that people kind of bury the lead on how fun parenting is when you hit this phase.
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I miss I miss them as baby and toddler, but I don't miss being in that phase myself.
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Like I would do anything to have them squishable again.
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Yep.
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But I don't want to live that time again.
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Where elementary and middle school, this is so much fun.
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And right now, what's happening in our house is we're doing a lot of sibling relationship um uh dynamics, which is that is fun and interesting.
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And our biggest conversation is trying to teach them that your sibling success is your success.
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And even as adults, um, you can move far away from your siblings, you can even stay super close to your siblings, but no matter what, if they're having a tough time, it affects everybody.
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So we're trying to kind of instill in them that the dynamics you create here, the encouragement you give your siblings, the patterns, um, the different things that you can build up in them, like it's gonna help you in the long run.
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Not just them, but you too.
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So that's a big thing with us right now.
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Yeah, exactly.
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And then part of that is giving them actual examples, like whether it's my family or her family, where we're engaging, like, hey, you saw this thing happen last week, you know, and kind of walking them through it.
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I'm like, to mom's point, you know, your sibling success is your success, right?
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And you see how that plays out.
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So giving them that long view, you want your siblings' success, right?
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Right now you might be angry and fighting with each other.
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I'm like, but in the long run, you want to build that relationship and that connection so you guys can all flourish together, right?
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Because eventually mom and dad will be here.
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It'll just be you three.
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Yeah.
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So yeah, a lot of trash talking in the minivan that we can't have.
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You know it's trouble.
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You know how like you turn around in the minivan, like maybe not the minivan, SUV, whatever it is that you drive.
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Um, when I turn around and point, that's when I mean business.
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And I feel like I've been doing that a lot lately and encouraging how they speak to one another to turn around and point like that one.
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So I resonate a lot with that.
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I think um I I love the age of our kids now.
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I loved what they were prior to this.
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Yeah.
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I look at photos of those early days and I miss it, but I don't want it.
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Exactly.
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Does that feel right?
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Yeah, I know.
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Whenever people say they have like the the baby itcher, and I'm like, no, I'd never have that because I didn't like baby stage with our kids.
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But then when you see pictures, you're like, oh my gosh, look at them here.
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But then I'm like, no, but I don't want to go back there.
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Yeah.
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No, it's kind of nostalgic for what it was.
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And I I like it because we get to we get to live appreciative of what we got to experience with those ages and actually these children.
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And yet I think Heatherly, what you said is so right.
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It's so fun.
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Yeah.
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Being a parent is awesome.
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And it can be the I mean, like, you know, Asher, you know, is almost almost 15 years old.
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It's my excuse to go to a World Cup game next week.
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It's my excuse to go to baseball games throughout the year.
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Like you just find what your kid's excited about.
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And it's my excuse to take Ellie shopping, right?
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Oh, no, no, no, no.
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No.
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100%.
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It's just a right of passage.
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100%.
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Mom and daughter shopping.
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There's there's this great line in one of Indiana Jones films that we say a lot where um Sean Connery and Harrison Ford are talking, and he says this line, he said, You moved out just when you were getting interesting.
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And I feel that.
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Like the kids are getting more interesting and more fun, and I'm like, don't go.
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But also, like, we want you to move to that next phase.
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But right now, they're interesting and they're fun.
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That's a great quote.
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I didn't expect an Indiana Jones quote today.
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That's good.
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Always.
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There's always somehow, somewhere, we can bring in Indiana Jones.
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That's so funny.
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Our our kind of mainstays tend to be Christmas movies.
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Like we we will quote Home Alone and Elf and all these other things all the time.
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But that's a really that's a really good one.
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And I hear that.
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They are they become people with great personalities, and you get to learn new things about them.
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And it's so fun.
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Yeah.
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Okay, so as you guys are thinking about your kids, right?
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So 12, 10, and 7, there is a foundation being laid now.
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And this is the first of a series of three conversations regarding elementary will be this one, and then there'll be a middle school and a high school interview or whatever this is, a podcast episode.
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And the the design is to mirror what we talked about at our last in-person intentional parenting gathering.
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It's all about launch.
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It's all about knowing someday they're gonna leave, they are gonna go off into the world, and we're hoping, of course, as every parent does, for a successful launch where they know who they are, they are established in what they're gonna do for their life, they have values and they know how to practice those things, maybe even a desire for faith, right?
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Wouldn't all that be amazing?
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So as we think about elementary, I think it's really important that parents realize that you have to start this young.
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That doesn't mean, by the way, if your kids are older that it's not too late.
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You you probably have done more than you realize.
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And I think that's what I'd love to kind of draw out with you is just what are we building in the elementary years that become the foundation for what will be, Lord willing, a successful launch.
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So as you think about your three kids, maybe you have unique words for each of them, but what are some of those characteristics or attributes that you're like, this is who I want my kids to be when they eventually leave our house?
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Uh I would say a big component is uh their faith, right?
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In the context of their belief in Jesus Christ.
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So for us, we remind them daily like your faith and your walk is yours alone, right?
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You're not borrowing mom's faith or dad's faith.
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They look a little different, but we all have the same goal.
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So I as they are growing, that reinforcement of I want you to be a person who believes, right?
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Are you walking the faith?
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Um if you're cornered alone and something comes, you know, that may be hard.
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Are you processing it because you have this strong foundation?
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So I just like above all, above all else, we want them to have that core.
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This is my belief in Christ.
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Yeah.
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And the words we kind of thought about was um uh wisdom, uh, competency, and courage.
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And the courage one is there's this great C.S.
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Lewis quote that talks about how every virtue at its testing point is courage.
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So we can give them all these great virtues, but if they don't have the courage to be able to push back against something, um then all these virtues are kind of for naught.
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And so that's a big thing, especially building kids in this environment where in a time of dragons you raise dragon slayers.
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Um that's a kind of a line that's been going around.
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And so we want them to have that courage.
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We want them to have more, not so much competency, but you had a better word for it.
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Capable capable.
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Capable.
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Because you're you said it was um uh why capable over competency?
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Capable is more of an action, right?
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You're always in the process of doing and learning versus competent feels like a more static phrase.
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Capable allows for growth and flexibility.
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Yeah, I to play with that a little bit.
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I think competency is the demonstration of some skills that you may have in order to do whatever the thing is.
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Yeah.
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Capable feels like I can I can react and flow, I can, I can um develop still.
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Right, there's an action side to it.
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I think it's really it's good.
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Those are great words.
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Yeah, a level of adaptability.
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And so we have the main ones that we really want for our kids.
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However, um, Chaz and I, we prayed for like an extra one, like God, like if you give us these main ones, could you have this one just as frosting?
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We would like our kids to be funny.
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And he did not and he did not disappoint.
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So sometimes it bites you.
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Um but like we prayed like, God, can they be funny?
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Can they at least entertain us at some point in time?
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It's so awesome.
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It's it's a double-edged sword, though.
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That's great.
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Our daughter just signed up for an elective uh in middle school to do improv.
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All right, let's see how this guy's I love that.
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I'm not sure she knows what she's standing up for, but I am so here for it.
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I did, I I was on an improv team for two years in college.
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No way.
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She's going into sixth grade.
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She's gonna be hilarious if we can start this now.
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Oh, yeah.
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Groundlings, here we come.
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Exactly.
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You got it.
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Those are great, those are great words though.
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It sounds like these are words that you've had for a while or recently have been kind of honing in on them.
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No, so it's been a while.
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So uh essentially, like even when we were dating, actually, we got together and we discussed like what are the core of who we are, right?
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And who our family wants to be in the future.
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Wow.
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And so this kind of just flowed out of it naturally.
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Um That's cool.
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So I think with us keeping that foundation and us reminding each other, like, oh yeah, these were our core, what we wanted to see of them, right?
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That's great.
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And again, all all the kids are different, right?
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They are books, not journals, right?
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So reading each one and having that kind of uh those words fit, you know, has kind of been, you know, the process of what we're doing right now.
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Yeah, they're all different.
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And I love that line, books not journals.
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I actually heard it when I was in Mops slash momco.
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I guess where they come a certain way.
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Like we want to kind of write sometimes who our children are, and then God's like, surprise, I made them a certain way, come with certain characteristics, with certain desires, or certain traits.
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And we've kind of said it between ourselves, if we don't read this book well, we have failed as parents.
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Um, because if we're raising them to be who we think they should be, then we're not raising them to be the best version of themselves, which is not just kind of in a like a like a hype, like, oh, the best version of me, but in the sense of like, what did God create you to be as opposed to me?
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And so even kind of helping them differentiate between what we do and what they do and our giftings and their giftings.
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And I think that's why I love being at this church and having them be in environments where they're around other adult Christians who are not like us, but living out the same faith.
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And so they can find things similar in these other Christians that they won't find in us that may inform how they want to live.
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Even at this young age, they're watching people in the kids' ministry, they're watching people as they volunteer, they're even watching their peers.
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And so having someone not us pour into them, we really value that.
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My gosh, that's so good.
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So, in this age group, one of the unique things about elementary is the amount of things that the kids are learning from us by just picking it up.
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Right?
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We sort of become the models in which what we're hoping they learn.
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So, Heatherly, you you're making a great distinction here where we're not trying to raise future versions of ourselves.
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Like we're they are not us, they are their own independent, created by God.
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They are, but they are sharing DNA with us.
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So there is some unique, there's some like, you know, overlap there for sure.
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But they are learning from us.
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They're watching, they're seeing how we react, they're seeing what choices we make, what's important to us.
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So, do you have any examples?
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What's some stories of just where the kids have learned something from you by watching you, either good or bad?
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Bad's not the right word.
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You know what I mean.
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Yeah.
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We'll say challenges.
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Something you'll have to undo later, maybe some of my housekeeping habits.
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Um, don't put it down, put it away.
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Okay.
00:12:52.879 --> 00:12:56.480
Um, where they're like, oh, we see mom put it down, therefore, we're gonna put it down.
00:12:56.639 --> 00:12:59.120
And so feeling the consequences.
00:12:59.360 --> 00:13:03.919
It's like if I trip over one more croc in the entryway and then I find out it's my croc.
00:13:04.080 --> 00:13:08.080
Um I don't I can't even be mad at them when there's a whole row of them.
00:13:08.399 --> 00:13:10.720
So and that's kind of more of a silly one.
00:13:10.879 --> 00:13:18.399
Um, but also they pick up what we say and even our cadence so clearly, for better and for worse.
00:13:18.559 --> 00:13:22.320
Um I had my seven-year-old open up a story with, so here's the thing.
00:13:23.039 --> 00:13:26.240
And that is very much an us kind of phrase.
00:13:26.480 --> 00:13:36.000
Um, but also some things that leave their mouth, um, like where I I would need to teach them to maybe mommy should complain a little less about some things.
00:13:36.159 --> 00:13:41.440
Um so just kind of uh you know, and like you said, it's it's caught, not taught, some of these.
00:13:41.600 --> 00:13:46.639
Um however, some of the more positive traits um they pick up from my better half, especially my son right now.
00:13:47.039 --> 00:13:47.519
That's you.
00:13:49.919 --> 00:13:51.440
Yeah, no, it's it's it's funny, right?
00:13:51.519 --> 00:13:53.120
Because again, going back to the the words.
00:13:53.200 --> 00:13:56.159
So I'm a product of the 90s, so all the words, right?
00:13:56.240 --> 00:14:00.000
So I have to backpedal sometimes when my daddy said this.
00:14:00.240 --> 00:14:01.360
That was not my intention.
00:14:01.600 --> 00:14:02.879
Please ignore everything you just heard.
00:14:03.039 --> 00:14:03.120
Right.
00:14:03.279 --> 00:14:04.000
Let's walk it back.
00:14:04.240 --> 00:14:04.320
Right.
00:14:04.480 --> 00:14:09.519
Um nothing too too bad, but still enough where like, oof, like you know, that's a orange.
00:14:09.759 --> 00:14:11.759
But as far as uh good traits, right?
00:14:11.840 --> 00:14:16.960
So my son right now, he's in that age where I'm trying to model to him what it's like to be, you know, a man, right?
00:14:17.200 --> 00:14:19.279
How do you treat you know your mom?
00:14:19.600 --> 00:14:28.320
So I'll do you know the car door opening, you know, walking on the outside of the street and kind of walking with him, saying, Hey, these are the reasons why we are doing this.
00:14:28.720 --> 00:14:36.240
Um and now he more does it on his own, which is fantastic, which is funny to see because he'll go, he'll open her door, he'll give him his or her his hand.
00:14:36.320 --> 00:14:38.480
Um, and he'll come to my door, mine, you know.
00:14:38.559 --> 00:14:40.240
Also, I'm like, well, well, thank you, Suna.
00:14:40.639 --> 00:14:42.000
Um we'll work on this, but yes.
00:14:42.399 --> 00:14:43.120
It's very gallant.
00:14:43.200 --> 00:14:46.480
He even does the little hand thing where he lifts it up and like, my lady, like take my hand.
00:14:46.720 --> 00:14:46.799
Yes.
00:14:47.200 --> 00:14:48.559
I think we need to send Asher over there.
00:14:48.960 --> 00:14:49.440
I think so too.
00:14:49.759 --> 00:14:50.879
Yeah, Asher to give me a hug.
00:14:51.120 --> 00:14:52.240
I mean, it's it's a shoulder.
00:14:52.480 --> 00:14:54.799
He's like, the side, the the reluctant.
00:14:55.120 --> 00:14:55.519
It's the age.
00:14:55.600 --> 00:14:55.679
Yeah.
00:14:55.840 --> 00:14:56.799
They come back around eventually.
00:14:57.120 --> 00:15:01.759
Um and one of the other really cool ones is uh we don't force our children to volunteer.
00:15:02.000 --> 00:15:04.879
However, it's great to see our kids want to choose to volunteer.
00:15:05.039 --> 00:15:12.000
So I volunteer in kids ministry, he volunteers on safety, and both my daughters um wanted to help out in kids ministry.
00:15:12.080 --> 00:15:14.000
And like I said, we didn't push it on them.
00:15:14.240 --> 00:15:17.120
They have to go to church with us, but they do not have to volunteer.
00:15:17.279 --> 00:15:23.519
But both my daughters got involved in kids ministry, and to see them do that is meant on their own.
00:15:23.840 --> 00:15:27.679
Now, what's the reasoning behind you not wanting to force them to volunteer in a certain area?
00:15:27.840 --> 00:15:35.440
Aaron Ross Powell In the same reason how their books, not journals, where I want to give them the opportunities, but I want them to kind of pick where and when and how.
00:15:35.600 --> 00:15:43.200
Um, so there's not a level of I'm doing this because my mom forced me, not because I felt God calling me to it.
00:15:43.600 --> 00:15:49.360
We're even saying, pray about this and trying to teach them to listen to God, nudging them towards certain things.
00:15:49.519 --> 00:15:52.960
And it's harder for the 10-year-old and the seven-year-old to listen to God's voice.
00:15:53.279 --> 00:15:58.399
Um, but we explain, hey, what it talks about in the Bible, um, that's God's voice explicitly.
00:15:58.480 --> 00:15:59.519
You can hear it right away.
00:15:59.759 --> 00:16:06.559
And we have a line in our house where whenever they come to something, uh they come to us with a disagreement or something happens, I turn to them.
00:16:06.639 --> 00:16:08.799
And because I'm kind of lazy, I really boiled it down.
00:16:08.879 --> 00:16:10.960
I said, Are you loving God and are you loving others right now?
00:16:11.519 --> 00:16:16.399
But I also want to be careful that I don't want to use the Bible and scripture as like a tool to beat them with, if that makes sense.
00:16:16.559 --> 00:16:18.480
Like like hit them over the head with a scripture.
00:16:18.559 --> 00:16:20.559
But I want them to kind of understand and internalize it.
00:16:20.799 --> 00:16:22.159
So short question, long answer.
00:16:22.320 --> 00:16:22.879
That's good.
00:16:23.279 --> 00:16:27.679
And if a kid just said, I don't want to serve, that's good.
00:16:27.919 --> 00:16:28.879
Yeah, that's a good question.
00:16:29.120 --> 00:16:32.720
Um I think at that point, right, we ask, you know, well, why, right?
00:16:32.799 --> 00:16:34.159
And what's the heart behind it?
00:16:34.320 --> 00:16:36.480
Is do you just are you just lazy, you're tired, right?
00:16:36.799 --> 00:16:38.240
And we walked through that time.
00:16:38.559 --> 00:16:41.840
Um but I think the constant reminder of like again, this is your own faith.
00:16:42.480 --> 00:16:44.240
I mean, you don't have to do it, right?
00:16:44.480 --> 00:16:46.320
But it's you know, it's encouraged.
00:16:46.720 --> 00:16:48.879
And and nightly, right?
00:16:48.960 --> 00:16:56.480
We'll we'll I'll put the kids and our prayers always, you know, help us to find your purpose and help us to cultivate that purpose with you guys together.
00:16:56.720 --> 00:17:02.399
Um so I think them hearing that is like, oh, okay, maybe I am made for something a little more, right?
00:17:02.480 --> 00:17:03.840
Even if I don't know what it is now.
00:17:04.000 --> 00:17:06.319
Yeah, you know, get that prayer to watch over them.
00:17:06.640 --> 00:17:09.599
Yeah, and we use a line, you don't go to church, you belong to church.
00:17:10.160 --> 00:17:14.720
And so just kind of emphasizing to them that it's not just something that you attend, it's something you're part of.
00:17:15.440 --> 00:17:17.119
You guys got a lot of good lines and quotes.
00:17:17.440 --> 00:17:20.799
A couple, you know, bonats, um uh, no, it's excellent.
00:17:21.039 --> 00:17:24.319
I I think I think that there there's a lot of beauty in what you're sharing.
00:17:24.559 --> 00:17:30.640
And uh even if you're one of your kids just said, I don't want to serve, like I don't want to do that.
00:17:30.799 --> 00:17:33.680
What you're modeling for them is that it is important to you.
00:17:33.920 --> 00:17:35.920
It's a clearly a value for your family.
00:17:36.160 --> 00:17:39.680
And I think what we have to mirror that with is that serving shouldn't feel like a chore.
00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:42.400
It shouldn't feel like something like, well, you guys don't even like it.
00:17:42.799 --> 00:17:50.079
You you feel like you have to go do it, or even just attending attending church shouldn't feel like this thing that is a nuisance to the weekend.
00:17:50.240 --> 00:17:50.400
Yeah.
00:17:50.799 --> 00:17:57.519
No, it's like this is the place of worship for us, this is where we go as a family and it fills us up for whatever God wants to do for the rest of the week.
00:17:57.759 --> 00:18:03.039
So I think sometimes as people even listening, we feel as though, well, my kid just isn't into that.
00:18:03.440 --> 00:18:10.079
And I felt like that a little bit with with Asher for a minute there, where I just went, man, he's not really finding his team.
00:18:10.240 --> 00:18:16.640
You know, he tried the production team for a little bit, he tried music for a little bit, and it he never felt like he had to.
00:18:16.720 --> 00:18:20.079
Like it wasn't like this forced thing, but nothing seemed to really really fit.
00:18:20.160 --> 00:18:27.440
And then you know what's so fascinating is then in middle school, he chose the elective to be a uh peer assistance leader.
00:18:27.519 --> 00:18:31.440
So he was a big buddy at school, and all of a sudden you're like, dude, you're really good at that.
00:18:31.599 --> 00:18:34.160
Like he he enjoys it, he has so much fun with these kids.
00:18:34.319 --> 00:18:36.720
In fact, two of the kids go to church here, which is so funny.
00:18:36.799 --> 00:18:38.000
So he sees them every now and then.
00:18:38.400 --> 00:18:40.640
And then next week he's gonna be a guide for VBS.
00:18:40.720 --> 00:18:41.519
So that's awesome.
00:18:41.759 --> 00:18:44.000
You know, he it's like they find their way.
00:18:44.160 --> 00:18:45.599
You don't have to give up on them.
00:18:45.759 --> 00:18:47.359
You probably shouldn't give up on them.
00:18:47.599 --> 00:18:49.039
Yeah, but they find their way.
00:18:49.119 --> 00:18:53.200
Yeah, and I think it's because they eventually see, oh, this is what we do as a family.
00:18:53.599 --> 00:18:53.680
Right?
00:18:53.839 --> 00:18:54.799
This is a value set for us.
00:18:55.039 --> 00:18:55.359
Exactly.
00:18:55.440 --> 00:19:04.559
And it's great that you're giving him that freedom to choose something because once again, we have ideas about what we think is best, but God has the ultimate idea about what's best for our kids.
00:19:04.799 --> 00:19:15.839
And it's outside sometimes what we're thinking about, and to kind of allow for that breath of opportunity, and like you said, we don't want it to feel like a chore or a burden, but we do want to teach them priorities, and that's something that we talk a little about.
00:19:16.000 --> 00:19:24.480
Um, priorities where church on the weekends, if there's something that keeps you from consistently going to church on the weekend, that something needs to stop.
00:19:25.519 --> 00:19:27.279
And again, these are things too.
00:19:27.759 --> 00:19:28.960
They may be good things, right?
00:19:29.039 --> 00:19:30.079
But they become ultimate things.
00:19:30.160 --> 00:19:36.079
And so for us always modeling, right, consistently attending and being part of the body and enjoying, like you said.
00:19:36.240 --> 00:19:38.640
Um because there is joy in being with the body.
00:19:38.799 --> 00:19:49.039
So when they see dad and mom serve and with our peers, right, and we're having a good time and we're we're praying for each other, you know, at least they're getting that, they're seeing that and hopefully internalizing that.
00:19:49.440 --> 00:19:49.599
Yeah.
00:19:49.839 --> 00:19:50.160
Yeah.
00:19:50.480 --> 00:19:55.359
I I have found um, we have found the weekend's not quite as hard as Wednesday night is.
00:19:55.680 --> 00:20:00.079
As the kids get into middle school and high school, that's where I feel like there's more conflicts.
00:20:00.240 --> 00:20:00.880
There's more things.
00:20:01.279 --> 00:20:01.519
Yeah.
00:20:02.000 --> 00:20:02.079
Yeah.
00:20:02.960 --> 00:20:05.440
The pressure of everything to do everything, yeah.
00:20:05.680 --> 00:20:07.200
That's where the battleground really happens.
00:20:07.359 --> 00:20:07.519
Yeah.
00:20:07.920 --> 00:20:14.559
Are we gonna make Wednesday night a a requirement, a thing that is just like a an obvious this is what we do?
00:20:14.720 --> 00:20:15.359
It's tough.
00:20:15.440 --> 00:20:26.400
Yeah, it's it's a thing that unfortunately I think for a lot of parents, church is a nice to have and their youth group or youth, you know, life group or whatever, um, they could do without for a couple weeks.
00:20:26.480 --> 00:20:26.960
It's okay.
00:20:27.039 --> 00:20:30.079
But they can't they can't not study for that AP test, you know?
00:20:30.400 --> 00:20:30.559
Yeah.
00:20:30.799 --> 00:20:31.200
It's tough.
00:20:31.599 --> 00:20:32.160
No, it is.
00:20:32.319 --> 00:20:34.880
And we um uh utilize something called the deathbed test.
00:20:35.200 --> 00:20:36.640
Sounds morbid, but it works for us.
00:20:36.880 --> 00:20:38.880
Chats, how about you explain what the deathbed test is?
00:20:39.359 --> 00:20:40.400
You make it sound less morbid.
00:20:40.640 --> 00:20:40.720
Yeah.
00:20:40.960 --> 00:20:42.000
So the deathbed test.
00:20:42.079 --> 00:20:48.880
Um so we tell the kids, um when you're on your deathbed at the end of your life, are you gonna be a real chipper?
00:20:49.119 --> 00:20:52.000
Yeah, are you are you gonna be sitting there or la laying there?
00:20:52.160 --> 00:21:00.160
Um asking yourself, oh, I wish I would have had, you know, more money, I wish I would have gone on more vacations, I wish I'd have accomplished more, I had more go or accolades.
00:21:00.480 --> 00:21:02.640
I'm like, no, you're gonna be looking around like who's here?
00:21:02.799 --> 00:21:05.039
You're like, here are my grandkids, my children.
00:21:05.519 --> 00:21:06.960
That is what matters.
00:21:07.119 --> 00:21:10.160
And you know, uh was it uh the Black Rhino, right?
00:21:10.319 --> 00:21:11.119
People are the wealth.
00:21:11.759 --> 00:21:16.079
For me, that informs a lot of how I interact with my kids and just those outside of me, right?
00:21:16.640 --> 00:21:18.559
People you can't replace people, right?
00:21:18.880 --> 00:21:23.200
You're dealing with eternal beings, so investing in them is of the utmost importance, right?
00:21:23.359 --> 00:21:29.759
So yeah, you're not gonna be on your deathbed going, Oh, I wish I had, you know, one more purse, one more soccer match, one more billable hour.
00:21:29.920 --> 00:21:36.079
You're gonna be wishing that, like, hey, between me and God, I hope I've cultivated a relationship that'll just continue in a beautiful fashion.
00:21:37.200 --> 00:21:38.079
That's great.
00:21:38.400 --> 00:21:39.119
My gosh.
00:21:39.440 --> 00:21:59.759
Um okay, so not to try to unpack all the science behind this idea of these brains that are being formed in our children, but you know, this this picture of elongated adolescence, I remember when I was doing youth ministry, which was at this point a long time ago now, they talked about how you know the prefrontal cortex is not really completely cemented until 25.
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:00.799
Or so.
00:22:01.200 --> 00:22:08.799
But about 15 years ago, all these studies were starting to come out that adolescence was actually extending into the late 20s.
00:22:08.960 --> 00:22:09.279
Wow.
00:22:09.440 --> 00:22:11.279
And now it's past 30.
00:22:11.599 --> 00:22:12.079
Oh my gosh.
00:22:12.319 --> 00:22:12.960
Isn't this crazy?
00:22:13.119 --> 00:22:22.799
So now when you start to think about what does it mean to be an adult, it's not really happening for a lot of people generationally until they get into the 29 to 32 range.
00:22:22.960 --> 00:22:23.119
Wow.
00:22:23.279 --> 00:22:28.960
Which is really a crazy, crazy thing when you can run for president, I think, at oh goodness.
00:22:29.759 --> 00:22:30.000
Right.
00:22:30.160 --> 00:22:32.799
So it's just kind of a wild idea.
00:22:32.960 --> 00:22:47.440
But for our kids, there was in in some of the reading that I did, they use this framework of the the home is the construction site that allows us to help construct and build what will be both the hard skills and the soft skills of our children.
00:22:47.599 --> 00:22:49.200
And so I'm I'm really curious.
00:22:49.279 --> 00:22:53.599
You've already said a few already here today, but what are some of those hard skills and soft skills?
00:22:53.759 --> 00:22:59.839
The hard skills are the things that they do, the things they're responsible for, the things that you go, this is your job now.
00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:04.480
And the soft skills are helping them, sibling, sibling relationships.
00:23:04.559 --> 00:23:14.000
Like those are soft skills, learning how to um manage conflict, repair if there's damage, uh, you know, emotional regulation, those those types of things.
00:23:14.240 --> 00:23:18.480
So go wherever you'd like, but I'm just curious, how's the construction site going in your home?
00:23:18.799 --> 00:23:20.079
Yeah, no, it's going well, actually.
00:23:20.160 --> 00:23:22.160
Um I mean, let's not get let's not let's go.
00:23:22.640 --> 00:23:23.279
It's going well enough.
00:23:23.599 --> 00:23:23.839
Thank you.
00:23:24.000 --> 00:23:26.319
Let's let's lower lower some expectations.
00:23:26.559 --> 00:23:27.119
About two inches.
00:23:27.359 --> 00:23:27.680
There we go.
00:23:27.759 --> 00:23:28.000
There we go.
00:23:28.160 --> 00:23:29.759
Otherwise, you my kids are moving to your house.
00:23:30.480 --> 00:23:30.960
Perfect.
00:23:31.119 --> 00:23:33.920
Uh so uh one example of the hard skills.
00:23:34.000 --> 00:23:38.319
So when my eldest, when she was young, uh, I taught her to make coffee in the Keurig.
00:23:38.480 --> 00:23:40.000
So every morning she can make daddy coffee.
00:23:40.079 --> 00:23:40.240
Yeah.
00:23:40.400 --> 00:23:43.599
And then each subsequent kid learned to make coffee.
00:23:43.759 --> 00:23:48.160
And so now our 10-year-old will come in on a Saturday morning, hey mommy and daddy, I made you coffee and toast and egg.
00:23:48.240 --> 00:23:49.599
And so here you go.
00:23:50.720 --> 00:23:55.200
No, we've also graduated to lattes in the milk froth or can't get our kids to make their own breakfast.
00:23:55.440 --> 00:23:56.799
What are you talking about, you guys?
00:23:57.200 --> 00:24:03.680
Well, you know, I was saying earlier that to be honest, some of my laziness like actually pays off in my kids developing hard skills.
00:24:03.839 --> 00:24:06.319
You reach a day where you're like, I don't want to pack another lunch.
00:24:06.480 --> 00:24:08.559
I would love someone to bring me coffee in bed.
00:24:08.799 --> 00:24:10.559
I don't want to trip over another shoe.
00:24:10.799 --> 00:24:16.720
And like I said, I don't know if I'm lazier or I'm smart, but there comes a point where like I've had enough, you can figure this out.
00:24:16.880 --> 00:24:22.480
And so some of those hard skills were the ability to where our middle child she'll make breakfast.
00:24:22.720 --> 00:24:24.880
She also burns breakfast, but she makes breakfast.
00:24:25.039 --> 00:24:27.680
And she makes a pretty good matcha latte, I'm not gonna lie.
00:24:28.000 --> 00:24:33.680
Um, and where for our son, we got him one of those things that teach a kid how to fold laundry.
00:24:34.160 --> 00:24:38.799
It felt like a felt like a little bit of one of those silly Amazon purchases, but it has paid back in spades.
00:24:39.119 --> 00:24:40.240
Oh, it's like one of those boards, yeah.
00:24:40.720 --> 00:24:42.880
You lay the t-shirt down and play the sleeves.
00:24:43.920 --> 00:24:44.079
Yeah.
00:24:44.480 --> 00:24:47.279
I mean, not lazy people make them out of cardboard.
00:24:47.519 --> 00:24:50.400
I bought one and had it shipped to my house and gave it to my son.
00:24:50.720 --> 00:24:56.720
So things like that were like folding the laundry, then making the food, and we do something called a reset every day.
00:24:56.799 --> 00:24:57.359
Aaron Ross Powell Yeah.
00:24:57.519 --> 00:25:05.680
Part of the reset is all right, anything that's yours, put it away, put it in the laundry where it needs to go, um, make the living space livable for all of us.
00:25:05.759 --> 00:25:06.640
And so around the house.
00:25:07.680 --> 00:25:07.920
It's good.
00:25:08.160 --> 00:25:08.400
Yeah.
00:25:08.480 --> 00:25:11.359
It's your room and the shared space pick up all your stuff.
00:25:11.519 --> 00:25:11.599
Yeah.
00:25:11.759 --> 00:25:13.200
And we say it's time to do the reset.
00:25:13.359 --> 00:25:14.799
And then we have an additional chore.
00:25:14.960 --> 00:25:19.119
And the one thing is we're not super consistent on a child doing the same chore over and over again.
00:25:19.279 --> 00:25:21.359
Because to be honest, it's what I want done that day.
00:25:21.440 --> 00:25:23.200
I'm like, these dishes need to be put away.
00:25:23.279 --> 00:25:24.720
This laundry needs to be folded.
00:25:24.880 --> 00:25:27.519
So it's I think that this is my pro tip.
00:25:27.680 --> 00:25:31.039
Um, choose things that help you because then you'll be more consistent.
00:25:31.200 --> 00:25:33.119
Um or what's that chore you really hate?
00:25:33.359 --> 00:25:35.759
Turns out it's time for your elementary student to learn how to do it.
00:25:36.240 --> 00:25:36.880
Oh, I like this.
00:25:37.200 --> 00:25:39.599
I mean, nothing like cleaning the gutters, like making water.
00:25:40.079 --> 00:25:44.799
Our goal, we would say our goal this summer was they need to learn how to load the dishwasher.
00:25:45.039 --> 00:25:45.279
Oh yeah.
00:25:45.519 --> 00:25:49.839
Our daughter's good with laundry, but our son is not, which is funny because he's the older one.
00:25:50.079 --> 00:25:56.000
And I I literally told Jared, I was like, uh like I'll put the basket in his room and I guarantee he won't put it away.
00:25:56.079 --> 00:25:59.440
It's just gonna sit there and then he's just gonna pick stuff out and he's ready to wear.
00:26:00.160 --> 00:26:00.960
He's like, Thanks, Mom.
00:26:01.119 --> 00:26:01.279
Yeah.
00:26:02.160 --> 00:26:03.680
How clean are your kids' rooms?
00:26:04.640 --> 00:26:05.680
Like how much of a strickler?
00:26:05.920 --> 00:26:07.279
Because I like the livable space thing.
00:26:07.359 --> 00:26:08.559
Let's make it livable for all of us.
00:26:08.720 --> 00:26:08.799
Yeah.
00:26:08.960 --> 00:26:09.599
What about their space?
00:26:09.920 --> 00:26:12.799
So unfortunately, they're all in, or fortunately, they're all in one room.
00:26:13.039 --> 00:26:13.279
Okay.
00:26:13.519 --> 00:26:18.319
So it's they have to make sure and it's a it's a smallish space.
00:26:18.400 --> 00:26:20.960
I'm like, so it can't be messy, right?
00:26:21.039 --> 00:26:22.319
Otherwise you're tripping over things.
00:26:22.480 --> 00:26:28.240
So they're the livable space becomes their own little ecosystem of they don't have full domain control.
00:26:28.480 --> 00:26:28.640
Right.
00:26:29.039 --> 00:26:29.279
Yeah.
00:26:29.519 --> 00:26:33.039
You suffer the consequences if you leave something there because there's not a lot of space.
00:26:33.119 --> 00:26:39.759
And not only that, your siblings kind of keep you accountable where it's like having a roommate where you're all in there together.
00:26:39.839 --> 00:26:42.480
So if you leave something out, it affects everybody.
00:26:42.720 --> 00:26:45.359
And so there's a little bit of kind of regulation between them.
00:26:45.519 --> 00:26:51.920
Um, however, um, I don't want my kids to always feel a sense of nervousness, like I'm gonna bust the door open and say, What are you doing?
00:26:52.000 --> 00:26:52.720
Is your room clean?
00:26:53.119 --> 00:26:56.799
I want them to be able to relax and have that sense of like there's good and good enough.
00:26:57.359 --> 00:26:59.359
Um, but also we share space.
00:26:59.839 --> 00:27:01.680
Do you guys give allowances?
00:27:02.559 --> 00:27:02.720
No.
00:27:03.119 --> 00:27:04.079
That's what we want to do.
00:27:04.880 --> 00:27:06.000
We do not do that.
00:27:06.240 --> 00:27:12.079
Um uh we had like moments in the hot, hot sun where we try different tactics and we had, you know, you have the sticker charts.
00:27:12.319 --> 00:27:12.400
Sure.
00:27:12.640 --> 00:27:17.119
You have like kid Ramsey, um, like all the different things to try to go through.
00:27:17.359 --> 00:27:22.000
And then um uh at the end of the day, when they receive money gifts, we kind of let them manage that.
00:27:22.240 --> 00:27:22.400
Okay.
00:27:22.799 --> 00:27:27.359
And um, I have to watch my middle child make some very foolish spending things, and that's the one that hurts.
00:27:27.759 --> 00:27:28.000
Totally.
00:27:28.240 --> 00:27:29.119
Oh, yeah, we've seen that.
00:27:29.279 --> 00:27:37.759
We we've watched our kids spend so much money on Pokemon cards, and then all of a sudden one of them's worth something, and then he sells it and he makes 10 times what we put into it.
00:27:37.920 --> 00:27:39.039
I'm like, no, that's not helpful.
00:27:39.680 --> 00:27:40.559
Oh no, that's dangerous.
00:27:40.720 --> 00:27:41.519
They're like, wait a minute.
00:27:42.000 --> 00:27:42.720
Yes, yeah.
00:27:42.799 --> 00:27:44.079
It starts to feel like an investment.
00:27:44.160 --> 00:27:45.839
And I'm like, all right, how do I use this?
00:27:46.160 --> 00:27:47.759
Yeah, it's like elementary Bitcoin.
00:27:47.839 --> 00:27:49.920
I'm like, I don't understand it, but it somehow works.
00:27:50.319 --> 00:27:51.119
Exactly.
00:27:51.359 --> 00:27:52.160
Exactly.
00:27:52.400 --> 00:27:54.640
What's the on the hard skill side of things?
00:27:54.799 --> 00:27:59.119
What's the biggest domain area that you've given away to your kids?
00:27:59.359 --> 00:28:00.720
So they're they're making meals.
00:28:00.880 --> 00:28:02.319
What's the biggest thing?
00:28:03.039 --> 00:28:05.200
Well, there's the biggest and then there's the most difficult.
00:28:05.440 --> 00:28:05.599
Okay.
00:28:05.839 --> 00:28:08.640
And the most difficult is gonna be a little bit of a shocker.
00:28:09.039 --> 00:28:11.920
Um uh so Chaz, the we were talking about that one.
00:28:12.000 --> 00:28:14.160
It's the uh Yeah, it's uh letting them wash their own hair.
00:28:14.319 --> 00:28:15.680
So we come from a long-haired family.
00:28:15.920 --> 00:28:20.960
Okay, and so our son is well, and like there comes a point like you have to wash your own hair and wash it well.
00:28:21.200 --> 00:28:22.400
So that was always a fight for us.
00:28:22.480 --> 00:28:23.440
We're like, I don't want to do this.
00:28:23.519 --> 00:28:25.519
It's always like going into battle.
00:28:25.680 --> 00:28:27.839
Um so when they were like, this is enough.
00:28:27.920 --> 00:28:29.440
You're old enough, you can wash your hair.
00:28:29.519 --> 00:28:29.920
Yeah.
00:28:30.079 --> 00:28:32.079
Um, and so we've we released them.
00:28:32.480 --> 00:28:39.440
Little things like grooming like that, like you you can so in the realm of grooming, where like I said, that's probably not one for most people, but we were just tired.
00:28:39.599 --> 00:28:44.799
We were just tired of going in there and feeling like we're like using a hose and everybody was unhappy.
00:28:44.960 --> 00:28:46.079
It was just, it was rough.
00:28:46.240 --> 00:28:48.400
Once again, our laziness paid off.
00:28:48.559 --> 00:28:49.759
So there's that.
00:28:49.920 --> 00:28:54.319
And then also being consistent in some of the things with the hard skills.
00:28:54.400 --> 00:28:59.279
So that is an area for us having a level of consistency where you know every single day what you're supposed to do.
00:28:59.440 --> 00:29:06.799
I make them stand at the threshold of the door, I point to them all, um, because this is usually after a long day, and I say, Everyone tell me exactly what we're supposed to do when we get into the house.
00:29:07.200 --> 00:29:09.839
So consistency and then that hair washing part.
00:29:09.920 --> 00:29:10.880
Those are the hard skills.
00:29:11.119 --> 00:29:11.680
Yeah.
00:29:11.920 --> 00:29:12.559
Oh my gosh.
00:29:12.720 --> 00:29:13.519
These are great, you guys.
00:29:13.599 --> 00:29:14.799
They're so practical.
00:29:14.960 --> 00:29:21.119
They are challenging maybe a little bit to the Kirkwood side of the table over here because there's some great stuff that you're saying.
00:29:21.359 --> 00:29:26.400
And I also think, though, that you're not talking about the laziness thing you said several times, Heather Lee.
00:29:26.480 --> 00:29:27.680
And and I know what you mean.
00:29:27.839 --> 00:29:28.079
Yeah.
00:29:28.160 --> 00:29:28.319
Yeah.
00:29:28.559 --> 00:29:31.920
But in and I know you're not intending to actually characterize yourself as a lazy person.
00:29:32.400 --> 00:29:33.039
Little tongue-in-cheek.
00:29:33.119 --> 00:29:34.319
Yeah, clearly you're true.
00:29:34.400 --> 00:29:35.200
A little tongue-in-cheek.
00:29:35.440 --> 00:29:39.680
Yeah, you're you're clearly not referring to yourself as actually being as actually being lazy.
00:29:39.759 --> 00:29:41.359
But there is a framework that's out there.
00:29:41.440 --> 00:29:52.640
I cannot remember what it is actually called, but it talks about how the most effective people in the world are the ones who are very smart and a little lazy because you just don't want to do all the things.
00:29:52.720 --> 00:29:52.880
Yeah.
00:29:53.279 --> 00:29:57.759
You could, but you're just dangerous enough that you can delegate to the right people to get all the kinds of stuff done.
00:29:57.839 --> 00:29:57.920
Yeah.
00:29:58.000 --> 00:29:59.440
So work smarter, not harder.
00:29:59.680 --> 00:30:00.480
You're in the camp.
00:30:00.880 --> 00:30:02.400
Okay, what about soft skills?
00:30:02.640 --> 00:30:07.039
What are those things beneath the surface that you're helping your children with right now?
00:30:07.359 --> 00:30:08.160
And this is a good one.
00:30:08.319 --> 00:30:12.400
So uh for our son, so he's just turned seven, right?
00:30:12.640 --> 00:30:15.920
And for him, um he's got a lot of emotions.
00:30:16.079 --> 00:30:23.839
So for example, uh, our middle one may poke and prod at him and he won't like it, and he'll get frustrated really fast.
00:30:24.960 --> 00:30:30.720
So in those moments, uh we're trying to teach him to, you know, to verbalize those emotions.
00:30:31.119 --> 00:30:32.079
Like, what are you feeling?
00:30:32.559 --> 00:30:37.200
And then not only just verbalize them, but you can say them to your sister, hey sister, I didn't like that you said that.
00:30:37.279 --> 00:30:38.720
It made me feel this way.
00:30:39.039 --> 00:30:42.640
And so we're still walking through that process, but I see he's getting better at it.
00:30:42.799 --> 00:30:50.319
Uh the other day we're in the van again, and his sister token and prodding for no reason, like she likes to do sometimes.
00:30:50.559 --> 00:30:54.240
Um and he just started like, I don't like this.
00:30:54.480 --> 00:30:55.519
It makes me feel this way.
00:30:55.599 --> 00:30:56.799
And I'm like, okay, good.
00:30:57.279 --> 00:31:04.000
I'm like, I and we again we uh not applauded him, like, I'm glad you let her know how you feel because this is important.
00:31:04.319 --> 00:31:06.480
If you can do this now, it gets easier later on.
00:31:06.880 --> 00:31:10.400
So I know some adults who have a hard time realizing what they feel for sure.
00:31:10.960 --> 00:31:11.119
Yeah.
00:31:11.359 --> 00:31:14.480
Another one that um we talk about a lot is forgiveness.
00:31:14.799 --> 00:31:20.000
And so, yes, it's hard, it's hard for adults to forgive, but even for them to understand the transaction of forgiveness.
00:31:20.160 --> 00:31:21.599
So we kind of teach in the language.
00:31:21.759 --> 00:31:30.160
When you come to your sibling and you say, I'm sorry, if one of our kids says it's okay, I kind of stop them and say, if it was okay, you wouldn't have to apologize to begin with.
00:31:30.240 --> 00:31:32.480
And you're not really giving that transaction of forgiveness.
00:31:33.119 --> 00:31:36.319
You ask for forgiveness and the other person says, I forgive you.
00:31:36.559 --> 00:31:45.519
So even coming in and not trying to make light of that moment and teaching them the right verbiage for that, um, that's something that we're trying to walk them through and what it looks like to make an apology.
00:31:45.599 --> 00:31:49.440
And then at the end, this one's tricky because it's hard to sometimes even conceptualize this.
00:31:49.599 --> 00:31:51.599
We say, now you need to make it right.
00:31:51.920 --> 00:31:54.960
And then you need to ask your sibling, how can I make this right?
00:31:55.200 --> 00:31:58.559
Now sometimes the sibling gives some unreasonable demands on how they can make it right.
00:31:58.640 --> 00:32:00.640
So we may have to come in and measure that a little bit.
00:32:00.880 --> 00:32:04.559
But once again, the right words for it, how can you make it right?
00:32:04.720 --> 00:32:06.000
Because we're all in this together.
00:32:06.079 --> 00:32:07.279
We're all on the same ship.
00:32:07.440 --> 00:32:08.880
Their success is your success.
00:32:09.039 --> 00:32:10.640
We're all in this space together.
00:32:10.720 --> 00:32:14.160
And if we can't maintain this, like everybody's gonna feel it.
00:32:14.640 --> 00:32:14.720
Right.
00:32:14.799 --> 00:32:20.400
And then that's good skills too for friendships, you know, not just their siblings, but how they're gonna handle friendships as well.
00:32:21.279 --> 00:32:21.680
For sure.
00:32:22.559 --> 00:32:26.400
Yeah, there's a there's a vocabulary to to emotions, right?
00:32:26.559 --> 00:32:29.920
Learning how to help a child understand what they're feeling.
00:32:30.319 --> 00:32:36.720
You know, there's times where I can remember sitting down with either of my kids and trying to go, how do you think you made your sister feel or your brother feel?
00:32:36.960 --> 00:32:40.799
And they struggle with the language because you gotta go, how do you feel first?
00:32:40.960 --> 00:32:43.599
Like can you are can you pinpoint your own feeling?
00:32:43.839 --> 00:32:51.680
Because if you if you can't identify your own feeling, you're gonna be a little bit of a lost cause trying to figure out what you think somebody else might be able to feel.
00:32:51.920 --> 00:32:54.720
And that's transferable into so many parts of life.
00:32:55.119 --> 00:32:55.440
100%.
00:32:56.079 --> 00:33:05.759
And even part of that sometimes is an exposure to stories or even like good books where they can see how a character behaves and what they say and what are the words they even use for that.
00:33:06.079 --> 00:33:10.880
So giving them kind of some of that language, even not just necessarily from us, but exposure to other things.
00:33:11.200 --> 00:33:21.440
And so that's one of the forgiveness is one of the hard skills, and also um uh for our middle child who is amazing and so brave and so courageous, but sometimes a little too brave.
00:33:21.599 --> 00:33:24.880
We're trying to teach her to read the room, and that's a big one.
00:33:25.039 --> 00:33:27.680
Where and her siblings are also trying to teach her to read the room.
00:33:28.000 --> 00:33:28.400
How funny.
00:33:28.559 --> 00:33:36.559
Um so just kind of walking her through that to be aware of everybody else there, not in the sense that you're afraid, but I'm not the only person in existence in this room.
00:33:36.799 --> 00:33:38.720
And so that's a soft skill we're trying to teach.
00:33:38.880 --> 00:33:43.759
So look around, see what the atmosphere is like, listen a little bit, try to kind of check in on people.
00:33:43.839 --> 00:33:50.720
You're not responsible for their emotions, but you are responsible for how you behave in these rooms and the words you say.
00:33:51.519 --> 00:33:53.359
I think that's a that's a great example.
00:33:53.599 --> 00:34:07.599
Learning how to pay attention to what a dynamic is in a room, like what is the circumstance that's leading to whatever is going on interrelationally with people, to get a sense of that and then to be able to put yourself in the right role.
00:34:08.079 --> 00:34:09.119
What is my job here?
00:34:09.280 --> 00:34:10.719
Because you're not always responsible.
00:34:10.880 --> 00:34:12.800
It's not i unless you caused it, right?
00:34:12.880 --> 00:34:16.960
But it's kind of like, hey, how do I, how do I fit in in the midst of it?
00:34:17.119 --> 00:34:25.679
Man, that is a really that's a that's a complex, we're talking advanced level type stuff, being able to help a child learn and grow that stuff.
00:34:26.079 --> 00:34:26.639
Yeah, it is.
00:34:27.199 --> 00:34:29.920
Um and also when it goes wrong, it goes real wrong.
00:34:30.400 --> 00:34:34.079
And so you learn as a parent, like, wow, wow, wow, I should probably work on this.
00:34:34.400 --> 00:34:41.280
There's been a moment where um one of the kids got really injured and everyone, like my eldest was crying, my youngest was crying.
00:34:41.440 --> 00:34:46.000
I was almost like I was in a very kind of emotional, like, all right, let's bring this all together.
00:34:46.079 --> 00:34:50.400
And then the child that we're trying to teach, she walked up, she's like, Hey, can I go to the playground now?
00:34:50.960 --> 00:34:52.639
And I'm like, everybody's melting down.
00:34:52.800 --> 00:34:54.079
And she's like, Well, everybody's fine.
00:34:54.719 --> 00:34:57.679
So we're just kind of I've assessed the situation, no one is dead.
00:34:57.840 --> 00:34:58.400
Yeah, we're good.
00:34:58.559 --> 00:34:58.880
No one's dead.
00:34:59.039 --> 00:35:00.000
There's a playground down there.
00:35:00.320 --> 00:35:02.719
No, and and part of it is she's amazingly resilient.
00:35:02.800 --> 00:35:08.079
So we don't want to completely take this from her because she bounces back so fast, she forgives so fast.
00:35:08.559 --> 00:35:10.400
But we need to kind of process stuff a little bit.
00:35:12.000 --> 00:35:12.239
Yeah.
00:35:12.400 --> 00:35:14.320
That's a great way to find the positive in that.
00:35:14.480 --> 00:35:15.280
She's really resilient.
00:35:15.519 --> 00:35:15.920
Amazingly.
00:35:16.159 --> 00:35:16.800
It's amazing.
00:35:16.880 --> 00:35:20.400
And that is that's something affirmable and very it's worth celebrating.
00:35:20.559 --> 00:35:25.280
But also the speed to the speed to resilience made leave some people behind.
00:35:25.440 --> 00:35:25.679
Yeah.
00:35:26.079 --> 00:35:26.880
Exactly.
00:35:27.199 --> 00:35:28.480
That is so good.
00:35:29.119 --> 00:35:36.400
Um, as you're thinking about the next age group that your kids are heading into, what is something that you're really looking forward to?
00:35:36.639 --> 00:35:40.079
And how are you preparing or planning for that?
00:35:40.559 --> 00:35:43.760
So high school is not far around the corner, right?
00:35:44.239 --> 00:35:45.519
A soon to be 13-year-old.
00:35:46.000 --> 00:35:46.239
Yes.
00:35:46.400 --> 00:35:46.559
Okay.
00:35:46.639 --> 00:35:48.559
So is that seventh grade or going into eighth grade?
00:35:48.880 --> 00:35:50.239
She is going into seventh grade.
00:35:50.480 --> 00:35:51.280
Going into seventh.
00:35:51.440 --> 00:35:51.760
Okay.
00:35:52.000 --> 00:35:52.320
Okay.
00:35:52.559 --> 00:35:54.320
How are you thinking about even planning?
00:35:54.400 --> 00:35:57.360
Let's just take her for example, as you're thinking about high school is not far from now.
00:35:57.519 --> 00:35:57.920
Oh man.
00:35:58.639 --> 00:35:59.039
Don't say that.
00:35:59.199 --> 00:35:59.599
Take it back.
00:35:59.840 --> 00:36:00.400
I want to take you there.
00:36:00.719 --> 00:36:01.280
Take it back.
00:36:01.599 --> 00:36:02.000
Let's go.
00:36:02.239 --> 00:36:02.880
Let's all do this.
00:36:03.199 --> 00:36:08.480
Look, for us, it's like, okay, in theory, our son could get a driver's license next summer.
00:36:08.639 --> 00:36:11.280
And so we have people in our life that are like, are you ready for that?
00:36:11.440 --> 00:36:13.119
And we're like, it's so far away from now.
00:36:14.800 --> 00:36:17.280
Except we all know how fast every year, every year.
00:36:17.360 --> 00:36:18.159
Are you ready for it?
00:36:18.480 --> 00:36:20.320
I mean, it's gonna be here before we know that.
00:36:20.480 --> 00:36:23.039
I'm not, I'm not complaining that it's like too far away.
00:36:23.119 --> 00:36:23.280
Yeah.
00:36:23.599 --> 00:36:24.559
Are you the primary driver?
00:36:24.800 --> 00:36:27.199
I think the she is the primary driver.
00:36:27.679 --> 00:36:32.480
Thinking about licenses and permits, even it's like it's a control thing for me.
00:36:32.639 --> 00:36:36.559
Like I'm learning how to let go, you know, because this is this is life.
00:36:36.719 --> 00:36:38.159
Like this is gonna happen.
00:36:38.320 --> 00:36:39.840
It's not not gonna happen.
00:36:39.920 --> 00:36:43.760
So I've got to learn to like, okay, Lord, they're in your hands.
00:36:44.559 --> 00:36:47.119
Just you know, because there's so many scary bits to it.
00:36:47.280 --> 00:36:48.320
But yeah.
00:36:48.880 --> 00:36:49.360
Yeah.
00:36:49.599 --> 00:36:53.199
Which that's a soft skill for parents to learn how to let go, right?
00:36:53.360 --> 00:36:53.440
Yeah.
00:36:53.679 --> 00:36:56.719
And then there's the hard skills of actually learning how to be adequate in the car.
00:36:56.960 --> 00:36:58.480
So lots of stuff to learn.
00:36:58.559 --> 00:37:02.559
But as you guys are thinking about the future, what are you doing now to kind of prepare for it?
00:37:02.800 --> 00:37:03.599
Yeah, I think so.
00:37:03.679 --> 00:37:04.800
With our oldest, right?
00:37:04.880 --> 00:37:10.000
Uh just this past week, or this actually this week, uh, we gave her a little more flexibility.
00:37:10.159 --> 00:37:12.880
So she has a uh a smartwatch, right?
00:37:12.960 --> 00:37:16.559
And so she wanted to go to the the spectrum, yeah.
00:37:16.719 --> 00:37:17.760
Spectrum with her friend.
00:37:17.920 --> 00:37:23.280
And so this is the first time with her by herself and kind of letting her see what she does, right?
00:37:23.519 --> 00:37:26.800
And so um it went as well as you can imagine it went.
00:37:26.960 --> 00:37:30.480
So her watch died, she didn't contact us, and we were in a black hole.
00:37:31.280 --> 00:37:31.599
Fantastic.
00:37:31.840 --> 00:37:33.599
We couldn't get a hold of anyone, so we loved it.
00:37:33.920 --> 00:37:36.239
Both had to drive down there and uh find her.
00:37:36.400 --> 00:37:38.400
So the 90s happened again.
00:37:38.639 --> 00:37:38.960
Exactly.
00:37:40.320 --> 00:37:41.199
Where's a payphone?
00:37:41.599 --> 00:37:46.559
Yes, the one in hundred, like like mom come pick me up and yeah, and then not knowing what your phone numbers are, right?
00:37:46.639 --> 00:37:48.320
I mean, it's like it's the real stuff.
00:37:48.719 --> 00:37:55.199
That was the the other day we dropped our son off at an angels game and with his friends, and so they got to just go by themselves.
00:37:55.440 --> 00:37:55.599
Yeah.
00:37:55.840 --> 00:38:04.880
And I kept looking on Life 360 that his battery was dying on his phone, and I was like, Oh gosh, like it's his phone dies, and we can't find him afterwards.
00:38:05.760 --> 00:38:11.199
Um but the but then you think back to like when when they didn't have we didn't have cell phones when we were his age, you know?
00:38:11.360 --> 00:38:17.360
Like, yeah, you had 35 cents, or once again you called collect and try to fill everything you needed them to know and that little bleep right there.
00:38:17.760 --> 00:38:20.079
How much we depend on technology.
00:38:20.400 --> 00:38:20.639
Yeah.
00:38:20.719 --> 00:38:26.159
And so we when we eventually found her, it kind of taught us where we had a gap in what we were training her for.
00:38:26.719 --> 00:38:30.960
We uh when we found her, we I was very proud of us, I'm not gonna lie.
00:38:31.199 --> 00:38:32.159
Um we didn't blow up.
00:38:32.239 --> 00:38:37.760
We kind of took her aside and we showed her, hey, it turns out you can charge your things at the Apple store if you're ever in a bind.
00:38:37.840 --> 00:38:38.719
Pro tip, everybody.
00:38:38.960 --> 00:38:39.119
Yeah.
00:38:39.199 --> 00:38:40.480
Um, think about that.
00:38:41.119 --> 00:38:42.559
No, just go in and they'll help you out.
00:38:42.880 --> 00:38:46.000
But just kind of like, this is what we want you to do when you're here.
00:38:46.159 --> 00:38:48.559
We want to have a check-in this amount of times.
00:38:48.719 --> 00:38:51.440
If this doesn't happen, um, utilize your friends.
00:38:51.599 --> 00:38:56.000
And also even telling her, like, I'm a grown woman, and if my phone's about to die, I text my husband.
00:38:56.159 --> 00:38:58.880
This isn't something that we're just doing this because we're trying to baby you.
00:38:58.960 --> 00:39:07.760
This is like a long-term skill for people knowing where you are and what you're doing, and even being aware of, hey, I can't contact you in this way, so I'm gonna do that.
00:39:07.840 --> 00:39:21.280
So we are trying to prepare her to be able to be in situations where she can kind of think critically about how do I get a hold of people, being able to manage the schedule of you pick me up here, you drop me off here, I'm with this person, here's their numbers.
00:39:21.440 --> 00:39:31.920
So giving her a greater level of autonomy, but also we have to be mindful that we're giving her um kind of a better lead up at times to her, where things kind of happen that you don't expect and we have to adapt in there.
00:39:32.079 --> 00:39:35.440
So we're trying to do that with her to give her that greater sense of freedom.
00:39:35.679 --> 00:39:40.880
And another thing for her is teaching her how to be assertive, um, assertive without being aggressive.
00:39:41.039 --> 00:39:44.320
Um, and conversations that she has with teachers and with other adults.
00:39:44.480 --> 00:39:47.920
And a line we use in our house is learning how to get your needs met.
00:39:48.559 --> 00:39:49.760
You can tell people what you want.
00:39:49.920 --> 00:39:56.320
They won't necessarily always give it to you, but you need to tell them what you want, otherwise, they're not gonna know what to do.
00:39:56.480 --> 00:40:00.480
And that goes for any relationship, for marriage, for friendship, for academics.
00:40:00.639 --> 00:40:08.000
So trying to kind of train her, and we'll do a little bit of like cheesy like role play, like, okay, pretend I'm that kid next to you who's giving you a hard time.
00:40:08.159 --> 00:40:08.800
Here's your script.
00:40:08.880 --> 00:40:09.599
What are you gonna say?
00:40:09.679 --> 00:40:11.360
Or what do you think would be the best thing to say?
00:40:11.519 --> 00:40:19.360
And so just kind of training her for those conversations and also um not following her on everything when it comes to her academics.
00:40:19.599 --> 00:40:21.760
We gave them all paper calendars, which is unheard of.
00:40:22.239 --> 00:40:26.880
Um, and so they all had paper calendars and they're saying, okay, this is the day I have this and have that.
00:40:26.960 --> 00:40:29.760
And so trying to help them manage their time a little bit better.
00:40:30.079 --> 00:40:30.480
Yeah.
00:40:30.800 --> 00:40:31.280
That's good.
00:40:31.360 --> 00:40:31.599
Good job.
00:40:31.920 --> 00:40:32.480
Good job, honey.
00:40:32.639 --> 00:40:34.480
I mean, I won't go that far, but yeah, we're trying.
00:40:34.719 --> 00:40:36.159
No, you guys are doing a fantastic job.
00:40:36.320 --> 00:40:37.360
Yeah, you you really are.
00:40:37.519 --> 00:40:45.360
I'm I'm so appreciative of you taking some time to really encourage the parents of our church, as you do in so many other ways, but just for joining us here today.
00:40:45.599 --> 00:40:47.599
You are you guys are very intentional.
00:40:47.760 --> 00:40:49.039
You're creating a great home.
00:40:49.199 --> 00:40:50.960
You guys are doing so many of the right things.
00:40:51.039 --> 00:40:52.159
I know it's not all perfect.
00:40:52.239 --> 00:40:55.440
I know there's a lot of other horror horror stories as well.
00:40:55.679 --> 00:40:56.559
And that's okay.
00:40:56.639 --> 00:40:58.079
You know, that that's exactly right.
00:40:58.239 --> 00:41:00.880
So it's it's just so it's so encouraging.
00:41:00.960 --> 00:41:07.920
And thanks for raising kids who are gonna love Jesus and and be great contributors to the world and advance the kingdom.
00:41:08.000 --> 00:41:09.440
So thank you guys so much for being with us.
00:41:09.679 --> 00:41:09.920
I know.
00:41:10.079 --> 00:41:10.719
Thanks so much for having us.
00:41:10.880 --> 00:41:12.000
All right, team, day in the ruin.
00:41:14.400 --> 00:41:15.039
Well, thank you.
00:41:15.360 --> 00:41:16.159
Let me say bye.
00:41:16.239 --> 00:41:17.519
Oh, we're gonna hide my phone.
00:41:17.679 --> 00:41:19.920
I'm looking at camera and say anything.
00:41:21.039 --> 00:41:24.159
Thank you so much for joining us uh on this latest episode.
00:41:24.239 --> 00:41:27.920
We'll be back as we talk middle school uh in our next episode.
00:41:28.000 --> 00:41:28.480
I can't wait.
00:41:28.719 --> 00:41:30.880
We have so much to learn, so exciting.
00:41:31.039 --> 00:41:31.599
Thank you so much.
00:41:31.679 --> 00:41:32.960
We'll see you next time.