Turn Down the Volume, Not the Joy

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It's a journey made with hard High Pod I'm Dad.
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From Nassau County to Bexer County, folks, it is James Gutman and it's High Pod I'm Dad.
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It is Friday.
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It is September.
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We are making our way through the year together.
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Um, and this is how it happens, right?
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This is how life moves on.
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This is how we get older.
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And that is the topic.
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That has been the topic for the week.
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That has kind of been the topic of our lives for a while.
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And I've talked about it here on the podcast as well.
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When my son, uh Lucas, was young and non-verbal, the biggest thing, the thing that I wrote about all the time, the thing that was always an issue was when is he going to talk?
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When is he going to have language?
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When is he going to be able to speak?
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And I wrote about and I talked about it, and it was always on my mind.
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But then one day came where I realized, like, okay, not only don't I know if this will ever happen, um, but at this point, it's not the best course of action for him to communicate, right?
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And people will tell you, they'll insist on it all the time.
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Oh, you gotta make him talk.
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I oh my God, I was I went out with this woman once who was very insistent that every kid could talk.
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It was like a very judgmental approach.
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Like every kid with autism is different, as they say.
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And I know my son, I know what he's capable of, I know how he tries to do things, and I know that he has tried to speak.
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And I think giving him a device doesn't make him too lazy to speak, I don't think.
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I think that's I get it.
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Maybe you know your kid better than I know your kid, and that's totally cool.
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I'm not talking about your kid, I'm talking about mine.
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And I knew with mine, if I didn't give him the device, he would have had no communication, right?
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So I could have insisted, well, he won't talk if I don't give him the device.
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But I don't know, then he never gets what he wants.
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It's terrible.
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So we did that.
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We focused on having him communicate, receptive language, getting his point across.
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And I kind of dropped the idea of everything being about verbal language, you know, because on top of it, not only is he communicating better with the device and with gestures or whatever, but at that point, once he's gone so long, I'm thinking, well, I gotta teach him all these words and you gotta get him to say the words and now.
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So that became less of a dire situation.
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And make no mistake, when he was little, it was dire.
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I used to say, you know, when the teacher would be like, Do you want me to teach him how to wash his dishes?
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And I'm like, Wash his dishes?
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He's not the house is on fire and we're washing dishes.
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Like, are you kidding me?
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That was all I thought about.
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And one of the most freeing days ever was when I put that away.
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When I stopped, I'd say stop worrying about it, because to this day I still try to get him to talk.
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We still play games and I still try to understand him a little bit.
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We come close.
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And I love him for that.
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Because with Lucas, sometimes he really it's hard to tell how deeply he's he's concentrating on something or doing something.
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And when it comes to this, when it comes to making him repeat words and do things, I see it in him.
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He's trying so hard to do it.
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And you know what he does do?
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And a long time ago, I had a video of this, and I've taken videos, I haven't posted these because I feel like I don't know, it's sweet, and I don't want to.
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I I I debate myself whether or not I should.
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I might.
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Um, there are songs that he listens to from Sesame Street on his iPad that he will do this like moaning rhythm to, like singing, and it's so cute.
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He'll put it on and be like, ah I'll be like, what are you doing?
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You're singing and I'll cover his face and keep doing it.
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That he's able to do, and that he does.
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But when it comes to repeating a word, he'll say hello.
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And I don't know, I've talked about this before.
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I don't know specifically what he's doing.
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And I'm I know you're gonna send me messages saying, get this checked out.
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I want to get things checked out, it's all in the list of things to do.
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But he will literally lean his head back and stick his tongue out and try to like I don't know.
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I I when he first started doing it, I would laugh.
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I try not to laugh, but it is adorable because it looks like um uh that famous scene in Streetcar Named Desire where Brando's like, Stella, and he's like, Yeah, it looks like that, except his tongue is wagging.
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I'm like, buddy, stop, put the tongue away, put the tongue away.
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So I know that there's an issue with that, and I know that if I waited so long, you know, it would have it would have really stifled who he is as a person.
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So we got past it.
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And in getting past that, it stopped being the topic that I worry about the most.
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And now, at puberty, with his stubble and with his height and with his size, um my issue now is all about him getting older.
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It's all about who he is, right?
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Again, when I first started this blog, I would write stories about things he would do as a seven-year-old with autism.
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Stealing food was such an issue.
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Um, and it was embarrassing for us, and it was the kind of thing that caused us kind of uh stress.
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We would go out and you worry about him, you know, taking food off a plate of somebody or stealing a coffee.
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And I made it a point to write about it.
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And I wrote about it because for me it felt good to kind of get that out and um tell the story, and I'm learning to kind of laugh at it.
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Now keep in mind, every time it happened, we would offer to pay for the drink, we would apologize profusely.
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So we took responsibility, every member of the family.
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If that happened, I'm so sorry.
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People were always great about it.
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So in writing about it, it wasn't like I was dismissing it, I was just sharing the story with you based on what I already did.
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And it was very early on in the blog.
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And I remember early on in the blog, there were some wack-a-doodle responses.
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I guess maybe our algorithm has balanced out on social media where those people don't get it as much.
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Um, and I would get people who were irate.
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You know, one day someone's gonna punch him in the face.
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One day he's gonna go to jail, but still on that pretzel.
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I hated that, man.
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I hated it because I knew in my heart that it was probably true as well, right?
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Like if there's gonna be one day where this little seven-year-old is not gonna be a little seven-year-old and he's gonna be grabbing food, and people are gonna go after him.
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And then what do I do?
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I gotta fight everybody.
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He's wrong, but I gotta beat him with a bat, these people.
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So I don't want to do that, you know, because it's team Lucas, no matter what.
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Um, but it worried me and I thought about it.
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So I went out of my way through the years, honestly, to work on that with him.
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Lucas does not steal food from anybody when he's with me.
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That's a thing.
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He knows that.
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Uh I've explained how I did it, I think I told you guys.
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I don't he would love to just get the food in his mouth, right?
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So he'll look at you, and if you're far enough away, he'll think to himself, I can just get this into my face before he stops me.
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And he would do that with me, make eye contact and shove a bagel into his mouth.
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And I would come over, I swear to God, and I would open his mouth and I would take the food out of his mouth.
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Which sounds disgusting, but I assure you, it is far more disgusting than it sounds.
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And um, and yeah, and he learned that even if he is able to like sneak around me, he's not gonna get this thing.
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He's gonna end up like losing it out of his face and all that other stuff.
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And in doing so, I kind of stopped that.
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But Lucas now is the age where people said he would get arrested for stealing a pretzel.
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Lucas is at that age where people were like, keep him away, and someone's gonna hit him.
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And I forget.
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Mostly.
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And last week I didn't forget.
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Last week I was sitting here, I was watching him, and he's starting to get, as he goes through puberty, um, into this state sometimes, and I've written about and talked about it before.
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And it's so bizarre because the way he acts when he's agitated or like overwhelmed to the point of is identical to how he acts when he is ecstatic and happy.
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The only difference is the facial expressions that he makes and the tone of his voice, right?
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Now, I don't know if I just hear it because I'm his dad and I know him, but I can tell when he's getting to that point, I have to make him stop.
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And this happened last week, right?
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Where I I literally brought him into my room.
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I go, buddy, come here.
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And we do this thing where I make him breathe.
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And I go, Luke, breathe.
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And I put my hands on his chest, and I go breathe like that.
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And uh he doesn't breathe, like he doesn't, he doesn't imitate words, he doesn't imitate breaths, but he calms down and he stops.
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And we turn the volume down, as I said in the blog, like for a minute, and then he goes back and he's calmer.
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Um, but he was like out of not out of control, but I could tell he was getting so agitated, like this bubbling inferno.
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And I made him put the iPad down and I made him lay in bed, and I literally held him like when he was lit.
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That's what I love about having my boy, like he's 15 years old, but he's still my squishmallow.
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He doesn't kick me out, he allows me to just be his dad, you know, and take care of him like that.
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So I laid him down, he laid on me, I was rubbing his back, and I was reciting to him stories that we knew.
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He had um this frog and friend story that he loves to read, but I've memorized it long, long ago.
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So we just lay down.
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I go, you know, it's spring called the shimmering, glimmering sun.
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Attentional creatures, your winter sleep's done.
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And he listens and he calmed down, and I let him get up and he was more relaxed.
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And I was happy and I was proud of myself.
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But I also was afraid, you know, because there's gonna be somebody out there who sees this boy screaming.
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And when I say screaming, he screams.
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Um, and you could hear him outside too, like outside my house.
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Sometimes Olivia would come home, but I could hear Lucas outside.
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And I was like, well, Slavi.
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Like, what am I supposed to do about it, right?
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Um, it sucks.
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No one's ever said anything to me.
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If they do, I'll apologize.
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I don't think it's so loud that it rattles the neighborhood, but you definitely could hear it from outside.
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Um, I try to make him always bring the volume down if I can.
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But somebody else seeing this five foot, whatever he is, man, five's six, I don't know, I have no idea.
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200 pounds?
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Like, I'm guessing, but like, I don't know, probably 200 pounds.
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Um kids screaming and jumping and coming at you for a hug.
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Like, if you don't know him, that's daunting.
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That's scary, and that's worrisome to me.
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Because to me, I see this this baby and and him.
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He looks himself in the mirror.
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I'm sure he sees a baby.
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He sees this happy kid.
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He doesn't realize that people find that threatening.
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Lucas doesn't live in that world.
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Lucas doesn't live in a world where things are threatening.
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Lucas doesn't live in a world where people uh try to hurt each other.
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He doesn't.
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I've joked before about his sister would run around the living room.
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She'd go, Lucas, and he would like, I go, go get her, Lucas, go.
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And he'd run after her.
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And when he got to her, he wouldn't know what to do.
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Like, he wouldn't attack her, he wouldn't grab hit her.
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I go, Lucas, get her.
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And she'd be standing there still.
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I go, get her.
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And he'd go over and put his head on her shoulder.
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And we'd all be like, oh.
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And she'd always be like, oh.
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And I love that about him.
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He's a he's the sweetest, kindest, I mean, honest a guy, like person you've ever met.
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Not just because he's my kid, but like because he is.
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Like he doesn't even understand that kind of conflict.
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Um, but other people see the world that way.
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So if he is jumping and screaming, I'm worried about how people are going to see him.
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And this is our issue right now.
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And this is the thing that somewhat would keep me up at night.
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This is the thing that worries me.
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This is the thing I write about.
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This is the thing I think about.
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And this is the thing that other people in my position are worried about.
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And this is, again, the thing that I was warned about when he was little.
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Oh, one day, you know, it's harder when they get older and people don't find them cute.
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And you're like, oh, that'll never happen.
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And they'll ta-da.
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I think he's cute.
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And I know people who read the blog think he's cute, but I also know people look at him and they realize this is a little man.
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And this little man, you know, could be misunderstood in more ways than one.
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And it's my job as his dad to kind of bring that down a little bit.
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So it's my new goal.
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It's the new thing I'm working on.
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It's been pretty good.
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We did pretty good last week.
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Um, and uh luckily enough, it's case to case because Lucas is definitely still like kind of a chill kid.
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He's loving, he's happy.
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But when he gets ramped up way too much, or he gets in that mood where he doesn't want to do something, him standing against like going out, like if he doesn't want to leave or something, it's more of a pain in the ass.
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Like on the bus, I fight with him on the bus, he takes his shoes off.
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There used to be a time where they just hold him down, put the shoes back on, but now he's coming off the bus barefoot.
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They're like, he wouldn't let us do it.
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I'm like, how would you not do it?
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And then I'm like, oh, because he's built like, you know, macho man Randy Savage.
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I can't, you know what I mean?
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It's like a man, it's like a dude.
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And uh, so I get it.
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I try to give people some leeway like that.
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But yeah, I'm in that point.
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It's my guy.
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I worry about him.
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I don't know what I would do if anything happened to him.
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So our uh our next steps, it's all about calming down.
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And as I said in the blog, I don't want to stop my son's joy.
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I just need to turn down the volume, um, which is important.
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And that was the biggest part of that article that I loved when I wrote it, the post that I wrote that I loved was that people will say, well, just teach him not to scream and jump.
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And I said, That's like if you have a kid in a wheelchair and there's no wheelchair ramp and someone's like, why don't you just teach him how to fly?
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Like, this is what Lucas does is he's done it his whole life.
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He gets excited, he jumps, he screams.
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We can't stop that.
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It's his, it's who he is.
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And I don't want to stop it.
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I don't want to medicate him to the point that he can't do it.
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I don't want to, you know, yell at him or correct him.
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Like, I want him to have the things that he loves, but I want to teach him to do it in a way that it won't scare the world away.
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And I think it's doable.
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Anything's doable.
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I learned that one a long time ago.
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And hopefully you guys know it too.
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Thank you for listening.
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Thank you for checking me out.
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Hiblogomdad.com every single Monday.
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Hypodomdad.com every Friday, Spotify Audible, whatever.
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Um, hi World Om Dad, that's available on Amazon.
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Maybe some more surprises on the way.
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We will get to that.
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Follow me on social media.
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Hi, James Gutman, H I James Gutman.
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I'm on TikTok, I'm on Instagram, I'm on you know anything that has a little at sign in the front, and that does it for me, guys.
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Until next week, this is James Gutman saying, be well.
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Byepod.
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I'm daddy, but I'm not going to be able to