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You know that feeling when your brain is at full capacity, right?
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I mean, you have a reminder from the dentist in
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your email, a birthday party invitation on the fridge, and
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your kid just texted you about a soccer game they
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forgot to mention until that moment, and you just cannot
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remember one more thing. That's where Skylight Calendar comes in.
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It's an all-in-one digital smart calendar that syncs with Google, Apple,
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and Outlook to help your whole family see the days
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and weeks ahead. And I really love the Tasks feature.
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which is designed to help your kid build routines around
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things like homework and chores. And when your kid can
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do those things independently, it's a huge win for everyone
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in the family. Skylight Calendar is so much more than
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just a calendar. It's something you can add to your
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routine to help your family work together. And right now,
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Skylight is offering our listeners $ 30 off their 15-inch calendars
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by going to myskylight.com slash Becky. That's M-Y- S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T dot
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com slash B-E-C-K-Y for $ 30 off your 15-inch calendar. MySkylight.com
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slash Becky. Before we get started, I want to make
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sure you know about our back-to-school program. Now look, for
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years I was the kind of parent who said, whatever,
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we'll roll into the school, I'll deal with it over time,
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but I didn't realize until later, in the first week,
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a kid decides, I like this school thing, I can
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do it. Or, oh, school is too hard and overwhelming,
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why is everything surprising me? And those two differences in
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thoughts end up lasting the whole fall, and it catches
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up with us. That's really why we're doing the Back
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to School program. Everything you need, not just to have
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a good first week, but to have a first week
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that impacts positively the whole year after. Link is in
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the show notes. Hey, it's Becky. I recorded this episode
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about a year ago for parents of kids of all ages,
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but I listened to it recently and thought, oh my goodness,
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this one was really made for new parents. I wish
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I listened to this when I was a new parent.
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Because if there's one thing I hear from parents in
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those first couple months, it's, I have nothing left. I
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am running on empty. And I don't know how to
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fix that. Look, I want to be honest. This episode
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won't fix that. You won't end thinking, you know what?
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All my problems are solved. But I do think you're
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going to feel a little more hope in an actual, practical,
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and get this, possible pathway of a couple small shifts
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that have a big positive impact. I hope this helps.
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You want to stay calm. You want to be that grounded, sturdy, pilot,
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leader to your kid. And then there's a slam door.
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There's an I hate you. There's a you never do
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anything for me right after you did 5,832 things for
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your child in the last hour. We all yell. We
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all say the words. We promised ourselves we would never say.
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We all have moments when our nervous system hijacks our
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parenting and our value system just hasn't had the time
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to catch up. It is so important to demystify what
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yelling is really about and to understand what yelling is
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not at all about. That's exactly what we'll be talking
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about today. I promise you by the end of today's episode,
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you're going to have so many new aha moments as in, oh,
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that's a totally different way to think about it. And
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you're going to have a bunch of heartfelt moments like, oh,
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that hit me somewhere I really needed. You're going to
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feel empowered and hopeful and you're going to have a
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new way of looking at the moments we all struggle with.
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I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be
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back right after this. Here's a story from my private
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practice that has always stayed with me. I was seeing
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a mom, and she was telling me about a moment
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from earlier in her week where her and her daughter
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were arguing nonstop about what clothes she was allowed to
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wear out. And then the moment ended with her daughter
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looking at her and just screaming, I hate you! And
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then the mom... screamed right back, well, I don't like
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you either. And then silence. And I remember her telling
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me about how her body was shaking and how she
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felt scared, not because she didn't mean what she said,
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but because in that moment, she did. And that terrified her.
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I asked her what she did next to try to
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get a better sense of the whole situation. And she
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told me she somehow found herself then in the kitchen
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eating cereal she wasn't hungry for, scrolling on Instagram, looking
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for some relief that was impossible to find, and then
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just feeling kind of frozen and having no idea how
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to recover and move forward. I ended up asking her,
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this might seem off topic, but just tell me, How
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would your mom have reacted if you yelled, I hate
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you in her face? And she just looked at me
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and said, she would have given me these dark death eyes.
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And even without saying anything, those eyes were so terrifying.
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And then she'd say something cold and monotoned like, who
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do you think you are to say something like that
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to me? And those would be the last words I
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heard before a week of the silent treatment. The room
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felt heavy, but it felt important. And I stayed quiet.
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And she started crying. And she said to me, Like
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that's exactly what I just did to my own daughter.
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I'm here talking to you to try to not repeat
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these same patterns. And that's exactly what I just did.
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This is the moment that so many parents recognize. In
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our brain, we know exactly what we don't want to do.
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And then we have moments where we watch our body
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do that exact thing. Why? What's going on? We want
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to break certain cycles and yet we often repeat moments
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that were very painful. You are not alone if this
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is happening. This happens to every single parent. What we
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ended up talking about and one of the things I
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want to say to you right now is it is
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never too late to repair. If you haven't gone back
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in yet, you still can. Whether the moment happened 10
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minutes ago, a day ago, a week ago, a month ago,
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you and I both know that longing for a parent
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to return, to come back in, to talk calmly, that
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longing doesn't go away with time. Meaning It is never
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too late. And that's often how we start breaking cycles,
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by going back, by repairing. And if you can get
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caught in the thought pattern of, but my daughter should
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be apologizing to me. She can't scream things like that.
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I hear you. And there are moments for teaching. And
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there are moments for connection over correction. And the moments
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after we yell, the moments after we do the things
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we promised ourselves we wouldn't do, I promise you, those
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are the moments for connection. And that is really where
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cycle breaking starts. So why does it often feel like
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we're destined to repeat the past? Why does it feel
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like these cycles we want to break sometimes keep repeating? Well,
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a big reason is is so often our nervous system
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steps in before our values can catch up. And that's
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exactly what we will be unpacking today. Let's jump into
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parent questions first. Sometimes I don't yell. I just go
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totally cold and I shut down. Is that the same thing?
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This is a great question. Well, it's not the same
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thing on the surface, but I think what this question
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is getting to is it's also a protective mechanism. You know,
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we talk a lot about fight or flight, which are
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two animal defense mechanisms. Yelling, right, is a version of fight.
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There are also other protective mechanisms like submit, freeze, and
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play dead. And so if you're prone to going cold,
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to shutting down, that probably means your animal defense response
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is more in the submit, freeze, play dead camp than
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the fight or flight camp. Fight or flight means a
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lot is coming out. Submit, freeze, play dead mean everything
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shuts down inward. And so you're noticing this is one
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of the ways you must have learned to protect yourself
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when things felt overwhelming. And while that probably was protective
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early on, it might not be as protective now when
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it sounds like you want to better communicate or more
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openly communicate with your kids. So absolutely, this is your
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version of an animal defense response. And I promise you,
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it's not something you have to be locked into forever.
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Next question, second one. I can't really picture how my
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parents responded when I was a kid. Is that normal? Yes,
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this is totally normal. And I actually think what's underneath
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here is unpacking the idea of memory. I can't tell
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you how many adults I've sat with in my private practice.
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And often they would come to me around some parenting struggle.
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It's really hard for me to stay calm when my
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kid is tantruming or when my kid protests a decision,
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but I don't remember what my childhood was like. I
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don't know where this response came from. Here's the interesting
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thing about memory. One form of memory for sure comes
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out with our words and our memories that we can
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actually recall. Oh, I remember my parents yelling at me.
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I remember how my parents dealt with my tantrums. But actually,
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for so many of us, that's not even our most
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common form of how memory gets expressed. So often, memory
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gets expressed in our triggered moments. How we respond to
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our kids when they're protesting a decision, when they're whining,
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when they're having a tantrum. is a memory our body
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has from how similar moments were responded to when we
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were a kid. So I guess what I'm saying is, yes,
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it is so normal that you don't have some coherent
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verbal form of memory of tough moments in your childhood.
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you might actually start to be curious about the way
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you respond in some of those moments and use that
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as data of sorts to think about how moments might
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have gone in your own childhood. There's just something about
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summer that makes parents think, maybe this is the time
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to finally tackle potty training. And if that's where you
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are right now, I want to offer a minor reframe.
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Potty training isn't really about the potty. Now, I know
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what you're thinking. Um, Dr. Becky, what do you mean?
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Potty is in the name. But actually, it's really all
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about independence. See, your kid wants to do more things
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on their own. Your kid wants to build confidence and
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feel like a big kid. That's why I like Pampers
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Easy Ups. They fit and feel more like underwear than
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a diaper. So kids can practice pulling them up and
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down on their own. And those moments of, I did it,
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really matter in confidence building. They even come with Peppa
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Pig designs, which if you have a toddler, you know
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can make almost anything more exciting. And because accidents are
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part of learning, Pampers Easy Ups are designed to protect
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day and night, which means less stress for you and
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more room to focus on helping your child learn. The
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goal isn't a perfectly dry day. The goal is to
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help your kid feel more capable. And I like that
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Pampers Easy Ups helps make room for that. Here's something
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I like to say to the parents of picky eaters.
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Your kid's eating is not a referendum on you. Eating
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is one of the few areas where kids can have
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some control. But how do you make sure your kid
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is still getting the nutrients they need to grow? That's
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where Smarty Pants Vitamins fit in. Their formulas are designed
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to fill nutrient gaps kids often have. And they're made
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with kid-approved flavors even picky eaters love. Over 1 million
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parents trust Smarty Pants Vitamins. which is why the Smarty
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Pants Kids Plus Multi and Omegas is the number one
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best-selling kids gummy multivitamin. You can shop Smarty Pants vitamins
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at Amazon, Target, or Walmart today. Let's go to the
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last question today. Sometimes I think I've already traumatized my kids.
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I've yelled so much, the damage is done, it's too late.
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Is it ever too late? I tend to answer questions
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with a lot of nuance. I don't like to kind
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of peg myself to one answer, but this one I
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can be pretty simple about. It is never too late.
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And I want to share kind of an exercise of
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sorts that in some ways proves this more than anything
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I could convince you with through facts or logic. I
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actually did this live in my TED talk and I've
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gotten so much feedback that it was so powerful that
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I want to make sure I bring it to you
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all today. Okay. So I want you to imagine that
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you get a call from one of your parents. And
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if neither of your parents are alive, imagine you find
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some letter that you just saw today. Okay. Here's what
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that letter might sound like, or here's the call. Hey,
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I know this might sound a little bit out of
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the blue, but I've been thinking a lot about your
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early years. There were so many moments that I think
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felt really bad to you. And you were right to
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feel that way. There were moments I yelled, said really
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harsh words, and you were left alone after to figure
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out how to recover. I'm sorry. And if you ever
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want to talk about any of those moments, I'd be
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happy to listen. Not listen to prove myself. Not listen
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with a comeback. Just listen to better understand. I love you.
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I don't know many adults who hear that and say
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back to me, nothing. Dr. Becky, nothing. Nope. I wouldn't
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do anything. Nope. I'm not trying to say the opposite
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extreme is true. I would not expect one moment like
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that to heal every single thing that happened that felt
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bad in your childhood. But there's a lot between nothing
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and everything. And when we say it's too late, we
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lock ourselves into nothing. And I think for a lot
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of us as adults, even now, that call would be meaningful.
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It wouldn't shift everything. but it would shift some things.
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And what I know, even though math is not my
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area of expertise, is that your child is younger than you.
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This is always true. And so if that type of
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moment with your parent or reading that letter would have
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a visceral impact on you, that is proof that it
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is never too late. to repair and reconnect with your
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own kid. Your child's story is shorter than yours by
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the very fact that they're younger, which means it's even
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more amenable to change and repair. So I can say
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this with confidence. It is never too late. Take that
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first step. Repair. listen without defensiveness, it's going to be
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uncomfortable and it's going to really, really matter. Here's an
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important idea. Our nervous system is living in the past.
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Our triggered moments, that reactive scream we have when our
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kid says, I hate you, Yes, it's happening in the
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present moment, but the circuit that activates to have those
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words come out of us is actually a memory, a
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pattern from our past. Besser van der Kolk, the author
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of The Body Keeps the Score, maybe says it best.
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The body remembers even when the conscious mind does not.
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I know for you, your conscious mind, your value system says,
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when my daughter screams, I hate you. I want to
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be able to pause. I maybe want to be able
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to say, I need a moment. And then I want
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to come back when I'm calm and grounded so I
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can intervene in a way that I needed when I
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was her age. Here's the thing. Our amygdala, which processes fear,
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reacts in milliseconds so much faster than our thinking, logical,
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values-based brain can respond. And so if you're having that
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quick twitch reactivity, that's a sign that something from your
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past is actually interrupting and responding in the present. Why
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do we yell at our kids even though we don't
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want to? Why do we yell the exact words we
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don't want to say? Here's what I want you to
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think about, and it's going to sound counterintuitive at first.
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Our body thinks it's protecting us in those moments when
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we yell at our kids. Now, our body is misguided.
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It's not protecting us. But here's where that comes from.
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If you think about when you were a kid, so
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many of us grew up in homes where anger was disrespectful.
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Anger somehow meant I don't also love my parents or
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feel grateful for them. Anger was dangerous. Forget just I
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hate you. Being mad in any way equals danger. It
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actually threatened our attachment with our parents. We got sent away.
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We had a heart's punishment. Nobody talked to us for
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a week. So what did we learn when we were
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young and our bodies were wiring? Anger is a 10
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out of 10 danger. Anger equals threat. Okay, then what
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would our body do based on that information? Well, it
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would adapt to protect us. Okay, I am going to
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try to shut down down anger. Whenever anger comes up,
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it needs to be shut down as quickly as possible.
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And how do you shut things down quickly? Harsh mechanisms.
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That's the only way. Fast forward many, many decades. Now
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it's our own child expressing anger to us in the
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ways kids often do because they don't yet have skills
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for anger. I hate you. You're the worst parent. Get
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out of my room, a slammed door. And we know
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in one part of our mind, we want to stay calm.
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I want to do this differently. And instead, we say
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the words our own parent would have said. But in
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that moment, your body isn't trying to betray you. It's
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trying to protect you. You have anger coming at you
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from your kid. Essentially, your body says, what do I
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know about anger? Is it safe? Is it tolerable? Is
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it manageable? Can I stay connected to someone when there's anger?
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Or is it bad, awful, toxic, dangerous? If you learn that,
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your body goes back to that old circuit. Shut it
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down as fast as possible. How? Through harsh mechanisms. Then
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your body yells at your kid. And it is kind
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of the set of words we don't want to say,
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but our body in that moment is just activating a
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very old circuit. Our past is interrupting in the present.
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So often we confuse two things. Understanding why we yell
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is not the same as condoning that we yell. Understanding
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that our body is trying to protect us, understanding that
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our past interrupts our present is actually the foundation for
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figuring out how to change these patterns more effectively. So
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I just want you to hold that in mind. My
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body thinks it's protecting myself. It's just trying to shut
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down what I learned was incredibly dangerous when I was
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a kid. I promise you that's not the last step,
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but it definitely is a first and necessary step for change.
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So right now, I want to take that idea of
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protection and do an exercise. That might feel odd, but
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I promise you is really powerful and important. I want
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you to thank the part of you that learned how
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to adapt when you were younger. Thank you to the
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part of me who noticed that anger was dangerous. Thank you, body,
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for storing anger as threat because for a long period
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of time when I was young and helpless, It was.
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After you thank that part of you, I promise you
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it's going to be more amenable to shifting its role.
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Because after you thank it, you can add something like this.
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I'm going to show you over time that anger isn't
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so dangerous after all. That anger is actually a very
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normal and healthy part of any close relationship. And I
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know it'll take some time for you to believe it.
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but we're going to keep working on this together. Here's
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one of the things I want you to take away
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from this episode. Those moments when we worry we're not
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breaking cycles at all, we're repeating them. Those aren't proof
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of who we are. Those moments don't define our parenting.
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Those are moments where stories from our past are interrupting
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our present. And still, it's never too late to make
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a change. If today's episode resonated with you, please take
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a moment to share it with another parent who might
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need to hear it or to rate and review it
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or drop a comment if you're listening on Spotify or YouTube.
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And let's end with a grounding moment where you place
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both feet on the ground. And join me in putting
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a hand on your heart. And let's remind ourselves, even
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as we struggle on the outside, We remain good inside.
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I'll see you soon. You know, parents carry a lot.
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In fact, data show that most parents spend every waking
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hour caring for someone else. So if you feel exhausted
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and stretched thin, you're not alone, and that makes sense.
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And look, I also know from experience what a relief
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it is to find caregiving support. Finding a babysitter you
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00:25:33.289 --> 00:25:36.799
trust and your kids will have fun with, that makes
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00:25:36.880 --> 00:25:39.539
it so much easier to go back to work or
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00:25:39.759 --> 00:25:45.380
travel or, yeah, even go on one date with your partner. Care.com
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makes it easier to find trusted, background-checked caregivers with search
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and hiring tools you won't find on social media. Whether
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you need full-time help or just part-time help with morning
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drop-off or after-school care, Care.com can help you find nannies, sitters,
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and daycares. And you can find the expertise that matters
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to you. Think homework help, CPR training, or experience with
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multiple kids. And if you're considering daycare, you can search, compare,
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it's not you, it's Care.com.
1
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You know that feeling when your brain is at full capacity, right?
2
00:00:08.369 --> 00:00:09.970
I mean, you have a reminder from the dentist in
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00:00:09.990 --> 00:00:12.539
your email, a birthday party invitation on the fridge, and
4
00:00:12.570 --> 00:00:14.539
your kid just texted you about a soccer game they
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00:00:14.560 --> 00:00:18.000
forgot to mention until that moment, and you just cannot
6
00:00:18.280 --> 00:00:22.519
remember one more thing. That's where Skylight Calendar comes in.
7
00:00:23.140 --> 00:00:26.620
It's an all-in-one digital smart calendar that syncs with Google, Apple,
8
00:00:26.679 --> 00:00:29.160
and Outlook to help your whole family see the days
9
00:00:29.260 --> 00:00:32.600
and weeks ahead. And I really love the Tasks feature.
10
00:00:33.030 --> 00:00:35.789
which is designed to help your kid build routines around
11
00:00:35.810 --> 00:00:39.549
things like homework and chores. And when your kid can
12
00:00:39.590 --> 00:00:43.179
do those things independently, it's a huge win for everyone
13
00:00:43.200 --> 00:00:45.820
in the family. Skylight Calendar is so much more than
14
00:00:45.939 --> 00:00:49.039
just a calendar. It's something you can add to your
15
00:00:49.079 --> 00:00:52.640
routine to help your family work together. And right now,
16
00:00:52.759 --> 00:00:56.509
Skylight is offering our listeners $ 30 off their 15-inch calendars
17
00:00:56.890 --> 00:01:04.810
by going to myskylight.com slash Becky. That's M-Y- S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T dot
18
00:01:04.829 --> 00:01:11.739
com slash B-E-C-K-Y for $ 30 off your 15-inch calendar. MySkylight.com
19
00:01:12.060 --> 00:01:14.299
slash Becky. Before we get started, I want to make
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sure you know about our back-to-school program. Now look, for
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years I was the kind of parent who said, whatever,
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we'll roll into the school, I'll deal with it over time,
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but I didn't realize until later, in the first week,
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a kid decides, I like this school thing, I can
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do it. Or, oh, school is too hard and overwhelming,
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why is everything surprising me? And those two differences in
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thoughts end up lasting the whole fall, and it catches
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up with us. That's really why we're doing the Back
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to School program. Everything you need, not just to have
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a good first week, but to have a first week
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that impacts positively the whole year after. Link is in
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the show notes. Hey, it's Becky. I recorded this episode
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about a year ago for parents of kids of all ages,
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but I listened to it recently and thought, oh my goodness,
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this one was really made for new parents. I wish
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I listened to this when I was a new parent.
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Because if there's one thing I hear from parents in
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those first couple months, it's, I have nothing left. I
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am running on empty. And I don't know how to
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fix that. Look, I want to be honest. This episode
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won't fix that. You won't end thinking, you know what?
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All my problems are solved. But I do think you're
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going to feel a little more hope in an actual, practical,
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and get this, possible pathway of a couple small shifts
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that have a big positive impact. I hope this helps.
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You want to stay calm. You want to be that grounded, sturdy, pilot,
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leader to your kid. And then there's a slam door.
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There's an I hate you. There's a you never do
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anything for me right after you did 5,832 things for
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your child in the last hour. We all yell. We
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all say the words. We promised ourselves we would never say.
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We all have moments when our nervous system hijacks our
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parenting and our value system just hasn't had the time
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to catch up. It is so important to demystify what
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yelling is really about and to understand what yelling is
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not at all about. That's exactly what we'll be talking
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about today. I promise you by the end of today's episode,
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you're going to have so many new aha moments as in, oh,
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that's a totally different way to think about it. And
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you're going to have a bunch of heartfelt moments like, oh,
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that hit me somewhere I really needed. You're going to
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feel empowered and hopeful and you're going to have a
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new way of looking at the moments we all struggle with.
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I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be
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back right after this. Here's a story from my private
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practice that has always stayed with me. I was seeing
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a mom, and she was telling me about a moment
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from earlier in her week where her and her daughter
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were arguing nonstop about what clothes she was allowed to
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wear out. And then the moment ended with her daughter
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looking at her and just screaming, I hate you! And
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then the mom... screamed right back, well, I don't like
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you either. And then silence. And I remember her telling
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me about how her body was shaking and how she
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felt scared, not because she didn't mean what she said,
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but because in that moment, she did. And that terrified her.
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I asked her what she did next to try to
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get a better sense of the whole situation. And she
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told me she somehow found herself then in the kitchen
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eating cereal she wasn't hungry for, scrolling on Instagram, looking
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for some relief that was impossible to find, and then
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just feeling kind of frozen and having no idea how
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to recover and move forward. I ended up asking her,
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this might seem off topic, but just tell me, How
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would your mom have reacted if you yelled, I hate
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you in her face? And she just looked at me
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and said, she would have given me these dark death eyes.
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And even without saying anything, those eyes were so terrifying.
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And then she'd say something cold and monotoned like, who
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do you think you are to say something like that
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to me? And those would be the last words I
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heard before a week of the silent treatment. The room
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felt heavy, but it felt important. And I stayed quiet.
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And she started crying. And she said to me, Like
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that's exactly what I just did to my own daughter.
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I'm here talking to you to try to not repeat
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these same patterns. And that's exactly what I just did.
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This is the moment that so many parents recognize. In
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our brain, we know exactly what we don't want to do.
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And then we have moments where we watch our body
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do that exact thing. Why? What's going on? We want
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to break certain cycles and yet we often repeat moments
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that were very painful. You are not alone if this
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is happening. This happens to every single parent. What we
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ended up talking about and one of the things I
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want to say to you right now is it is
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never too late to repair. If you haven't gone back
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in yet, you still can. Whether the moment happened 10
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minutes ago, a day ago, a week ago, a month ago,
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you and I both know that longing for a parent
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to return, to come back in, to talk calmly, that
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longing doesn't go away with time. Meaning It is never
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too late. And that's often how we start breaking cycles,
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by going back, by repairing. And if you can get
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caught in the thought pattern of, but my daughter should
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be apologizing to me. She can't scream things like that.
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I hear you. And there are moments for teaching. And
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there are moments for connection over correction. And the moments
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after we yell, the moments after we do the things
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we promised ourselves we wouldn't do, I promise you, those
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are the moments for connection. And that is really where
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cycle breaking starts. So why does it often feel like
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we're destined to repeat the past? Why does it feel
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like these cycles we want to break sometimes keep repeating? Well,
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a big reason is is so often our nervous system
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steps in before our values can catch up. And that's
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exactly what we will be unpacking today. Let's jump into
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parent questions first. Sometimes I don't yell. I just go
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totally cold and I shut down. Is that the same thing?
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This is a great question. Well, it's not the same
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thing on the surface, but I think what this question
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is getting to is it's also a protective mechanism. You know,
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we talk a lot about fight or flight, which are
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two animal defense mechanisms. Yelling, right, is a version of fight.
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There are also other protective mechanisms like submit, freeze, and
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play dead. And so if you're prone to going cold,
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to shutting down, that probably means your animal defense response
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is more in the submit, freeze, play dead camp than
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the fight or flight camp. Fight or flight means a
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lot is coming out. Submit, freeze, play dead mean everything
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shuts down inward. And so you're noticing this is one
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of the ways you must have learned to protect yourself
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when things felt overwhelming. And while that probably was protective
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early on, it might not be as protective now when
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it sounds like you want to better communicate or more
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openly communicate with your kids. So absolutely, this is your
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version of an animal defense response. And I promise you,
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it's not something you have to be locked into forever.
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Next question, second one. I can't really picture how my
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parents responded when I was a kid. Is that normal? Yes,
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this is totally normal. And I actually think what's underneath
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here is unpacking the idea of memory. I can't tell
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you how many adults I've sat with in my private practice.
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And often they would come to me around some parenting struggle.
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It's really hard for me to stay calm when my
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kid is tantruming or when my kid protests a decision,
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but I don't remember what my childhood was like. I
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don't know where this response came from. Here's the interesting
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thing about memory. One form of memory for sure comes
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out with our words and our memories that we can
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actually recall. Oh, I remember my parents yelling at me.
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I remember how my parents dealt with my tantrums. But actually,
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for so many of us, that's not even our most
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common form of how memory gets expressed. So often, memory
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gets expressed in our triggered moments. How we respond to
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our kids when they're protesting a decision, when they're whining,
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when they're having a tantrum. is a memory our body
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has from how similar moments were responded to when we
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were a kid. So I guess what I'm saying is, yes,
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it is so normal that you don't have some coherent
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verbal form of memory of tough moments in your childhood.
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you might actually start to be curious about the way
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you respond in some of those moments and use that
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as data of sorts to think about how moments might
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have gone in your own childhood. There's just something about
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summer that makes parents think, maybe this is the time
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to finally tackle potty training. And if that's where you
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are right now, I want to offer a minor reframe.
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Potty training isn't really about the potty. Now, I know
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what you're thinking. Um, Dr. Becky, what do you mean?
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Potty is in the name. But actually, it's really all
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about independence. See, your kid wants to do more things
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on their own. Your kid wants to build confidence and
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feel like a big kid. That's why I like Pampers
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Easy Ups. They fit and feel more like underwear than
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a diaper. So kids can practice pulling them up and
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down on their own. And those moments of, I did it,
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really matter in confidence building. They even come with Peppa
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Pig designs, which if you have a toddler, you know
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can make almost anything more exciting. And because accidents are
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part of learning, Pampers Easy Ups are designed to protect
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day and night, which means less stress for you and
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more room to focus on helping your child learn. The
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goal isn't a perfectly dry day. The goal is to
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help your kid feel more capable. And I like that
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Pampers Easy Ups helps make room for that. Here's something
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I like to say to the parents of picky eaters.
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Your kid's eating is not a referendum on you. Eating
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is one of the few areas where kids can have
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some control. But how do you make sure your kid
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is still getting the nutrients they need to grow? That's
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where Smarty Pants Vitamins fit in. Their formulas are designed
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to fill nutrient gaps kids often have. And they're made
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with kid-approved flavors even picky eaters love. Over 1 million
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parents trust Smarty Pants Vitamins. which is why the Smarty
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Pants Kids Plus Multi and Omegas is the number one
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best-selling kids gummy multivitamin. You can shop Smarty Pants vitamins
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at Amazon, Target, or Walmart today. Let's go to the
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last question today. Sometimes I think I've already traumatized my kids.
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I've yelled so much, the damage is done, it's too late.
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Is it ever too late? I tend to answer questions
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with a lot of nuance. I don't like to kind
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of peg myself to one answer, but this one I
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can be pretty simple about. It is never too late.
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And I want to share kind of an exercise of
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sorts that in some ways proves this more than anything
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I could convince you with through facts or logic. I
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actually did this live in my TED talk and I've
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gotten so much feedback that it was so powerful that
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I want to make sure I bring it to you
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all today. Okay. So I want you to imagine that
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you get a call from one of your parents. And
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if neither of your parents are alive, imagine you find
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some letter that you just saw today. Okay. Here's what
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that letter might sound like, or here's the call. Hey,
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I know this might sound a little bit out of
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the blue, but I've been thinking a lot about your
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early years. There were so many moments that I think
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felt really bad to you. And you were right to
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feel that way. There were moments I yelled, said really
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harsh words, and you were left alone after to figure
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out how to recover. I'm sorry. And if you ever
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want to talk about any of those moments, I'd be
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happy to listen. Not listen to prove myself. Not listen
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with a comeback. Just listen to better understand. I love you.
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I don't know many adults who hear that and say
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back to me, nothing. Dr. Becky, nothing. Nope. I wouldn't
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do anything. Nope. I'm not trying to say the opposite
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extreme is true. I would not expect one moment like
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that to heal every single thing that happened that felt
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bad in your childhood. But there's a lot between nothing
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and everything. And when we say it's too late, we
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lock ourselves into nothing. And I think for a lot
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of us as adults, even now, that call would be meaningful.
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It wouldn't shift everything. but it would shift some things.
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And what I know, even though math is not my
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area of expertise, is that your child is younger than you.
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This is always true. And so if that type of
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moment with your parent or reading that letter would have
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a visceral impact on you, that is proof that it
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is never too late. to repair and reconnect with your
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own kid. Your child's story is shorter than yours by
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the very fact that they're younger, which means it's even
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more amenable to change and repair. So I can say
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this with confidence. It is never too late. Take that
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first step. Repair. listen without defensiveness, it's going to be
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uncomfortable and it's going to really, really matter. Here's an
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important idea. Our nervous system is living in the past.
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Our triggered moments, that reactive scream we have when our
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kid says, I hate you, Yes, it's happening in the
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present moment, but the circuit that activates to have those
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words come out of us is actually a memory, a
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pattern from our past. Besser van der Kolk, the author
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of The Body Keeps the Score, maybe says it best.
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The body remembers even when the conscious mind does not.
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I know for you, your conscious mind, your value system says,
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when my daughter screams, I hate you. I want to
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be able to pause. I maybe want to be able
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to say, I need a moment. And then I want
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to come back when I'm calm and grounded so I
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can intervene in a way that I needed when I
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was her age. Here's the thing. Our amygdala, which processes fear,
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reacts in milliseconds so much faster than our thinking, logical,
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values-based brain can respond. And so if you're having that
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quick twitch reactivity, that's a sign that something from your
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past is actually interrupting and responding in the present. Why
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do we yell at our kids even though we don't
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want to? Why do we yell the exact words we
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don't want to say? Here's what I want you to
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think about, and it's going to sound counterintuitive at first.
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Our body thinks it's protecting us in those moments when
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we yell at our kids. Now, our body is misguided.
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It's not protecting us. But here's where that comes from.
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If you think about when you were a kid, so
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many of us grew up in homes where anger was disrespectful.
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Anger somehow meant I don't also love my parents or
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feel grateful for them. Anger was dangerous. Forget just I
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hate you. Being mad in any way equals danger. It
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actually threatened our attachment with our parents. We got sent away.
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We had a heart's punishment. Nobody talked to us for
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a week. So what did we learn when we were
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young and our bodies were wiring? Anger is a 10
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out of 10 danger. Anger equals threat. Okay, then what
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would our body do based on that information? Well, it
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would adapt to protect us. Okay, I am going to
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try to shut down down anger. Whenever anger comes up,
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it needs to be shut down as quickly as possible.
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And how do you shut things down quickly? Harsh mechanisms.
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That's the only way. Fast forward many, many decades. Now
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it's our own child expressing anger to us in the
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ways kids often do because they don't yet have skills
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for anger. I hate you. You're the worst parent. Get
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out of my room, a slammed door. And we know
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in one part of our mind, we want to stay calm.
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I want to do this differently. And instead, we say
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the words our own parent would have said. But in
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that moment, your body isn't trying to betray you. It's
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trying to protect you. You have anger coming at you
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from your kid. Essentially, your body says, what do I
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know about anger? Is it safe? Is it tolerable? Is
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it manageable? Can I stay connected to someone when there's anger?
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Or is it bad, awful, toxic, dangerous? If you learn that,
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your body goes back to that old circuit. Shut it
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down as fast as possible. How? Through harsh mechanisms. Then
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your body yells at your kid. And it is kind
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of the set of words we don't want to say,
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but our body in that moment is just activating a
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very old circuit. Our past is interrupting in the present.
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So often we confuse two things. Understanding why we yell
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is not the same as condoning that we yell. Understanding
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that our body is trying to protect us, understanding that
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our past interrupts our present is actually the foundation for
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figuring out how to change these patterns more effectively. So
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I just want you to hold that in mind. My
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body thinks it's protecting myself. It's just trying to shut
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down what I learned was incredibly dangerous when I was
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a kid. I promise you that's not the last step,
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but it definitely is a first and necessary step for change.
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So right now, I want to take that idea of
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protection and do an exercise. That might feel odd, but
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I promise you is really powerful and important. I want
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you to thank the part of you that learned how
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to adapt when you were younger. Thank you to the
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part of me who noticed that anger was dangerous. Thank you, body,
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for storing anger as threat because for a long period
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of time when I was young and helpless, It was.
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After you thank that part of you, I promise you
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it's going to be more amenable to shifting its role.
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Because after you thank it, you can add something like this.
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I'm going to show you over time that anger isn't
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so dangerous after all. That anger is actually a very
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normal and healthy part of any close relationship. And I
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know it'll take some time for you to believe it.
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but we're going to keep working on this together. Here's
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one of the things I want you to take away
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from this episode. Those moments when we worry we're not
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breaking cycles at all, we're repeating them. Those aren't proof
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of who we are. Those moments don't define our parenting.
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Those are moments where stories from our past are interrupting
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our present. And still, it's never too late to make
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a change. If today's episode resonated with you, please take
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a moment to share it with another parent who might
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need to hear it or to rate and review it
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or drop a comment if you're listening on Spotify or YouTube.
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And let's end with a grounding moment where you place
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both feet on the ground. And join me in putting
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a hand on your heart. And let's remind ourselves, even
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as we struggle on the outside, We remain good inside.
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I'll see you soon. You know, parents carry a lot.
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