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You're
listening to an audio recording
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by Change My Relationship,
featuring licensed marriage
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and family therapist
and author Karla Downing.
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These audios are designed
to provide you
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with practical solutions
based on biblical truths
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for all your relationships.
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I want to talk to you
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about having a difficult
daughter-in-law.
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And I know
from what I hear from you
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that there are a lot of you
that do.
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And it's a very,
very difficult thing.
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It's very
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can be even heartbreaking,
especially when it affects
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your relationship
with your grandchildren.
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But let's talk about, first,
the characteristics
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of what we commonly see
is a difficult daughter-in-law.
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The first is
she's reactive to everything.
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Very sensitive.
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She takes offence
at the smallest thing.
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You don't think
you've done anything wrong?
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You've done
the same thing that you did
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with her,
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with your other daughter-in-law,
or with friends,
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or with your son,
or with other people.
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And no problem.
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Nobody says anything.
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Nobody's bothered.
But she's offended.
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Next one is she's jealous of you
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and your relationship
with your son.
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Her husband.
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She feels competition with that.
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She's jealous
at the time he spends with you.
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She's jealous of him
coming over on his own.
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She tries to pull him away
from you. And you can feel that.
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You can see that
that's going on.
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She is not like you around him
all the time.
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And when you are,
she is kind of there.
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She doesn't let
you have time alone with him.
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Next one is competitive
between you and her mom.
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So she is going
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to, like, want to make sure
that her relationship with her
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mom has more time
with than the time with you.
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She wants you to know
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that her relationship with her
mom is really good,
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and that she's spending
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time with her mom, and she's
talking about my mom a lot.
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And so you just feel like you're
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her mom is kind of in between
the relationship with you.
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Not because
her mother puts herself there,
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but because your daughter-in-law
keeps wanting to make
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you feel like everything
she needs comes from her mom.
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Next one is she's protective
of her mom
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and their family,
so she's not necessarily.
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Maybe you had this dream
of being close
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to your daughter-in-law's family
and you'd all get together.
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The in-laws family.
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Your daughter-in-law's family.
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Your family.
All big. One happy thing.
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You and the mother-in-law,
her mother.
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And you are going to be good
friends.
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And so you find that
she kind of holds them aside,
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keeps them away from you,
doesn't want them to kind of be
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mixing, doesn't really
want you to get to know them.
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Also possessive of her kids.
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If she has children,
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you can tell that
she's kind of paying attention.
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How much are you around them?
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How close
do you get to get with them?
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If you get really close
with them? She's jealous.
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She's uncomfortable.
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She'll pull them away from you.
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She just wants to let you know.
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Like, these are my kids
and they're not yours.
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And you're not going to be able
to have them
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as much as you want them.
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And you can just feel this tug
of war in this pull between her
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letting you be around her
kids, your grandkids,
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and then she's resentful.
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She holds resentments
and grievances.
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So there's little things,
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all those things
that have built up
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that happen
that she took offense to.
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They're not resolved.
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And worse than that,
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you can't resolve them because
when you try to explain to her.
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I didn't mean that
that's you took that wrong.
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That's not what I was saying.
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She does not feel better.
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She, in fact, can get worse.
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Then she gets resentful
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about what you're saying,
to try to fix it,
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and then it just
it just blows up.
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So you are in a position
where you feel like, oh, my,
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I am so disappointed.
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So here are some of the hopes
that you probably had
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for this relationship.
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Some of your myths
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you believed
when your daughter-in-law
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came into your life
that you were going to.
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She's going to love your family.
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She's just going to love
all of you,
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and she's going to be
like a daughter to you,
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and that you're going to
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still be as close to your son
as you've ever been.
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So it's just going to be adding
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to your family
when you believe those things
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and it doesn't happen.
And the opposite happens.
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There's all this stress
and the strain.
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It is really devastating.
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So you've got to look at those
myths and say,
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I believed this,
but this isn't reality.
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It's not my reality.
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Trust me, you're not alone.
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You I wish I could say there's
only one person out there
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that this video would apply to,
but that's not the case.
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So you want to
look at those myths,
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and you've got to let those go.
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You've got to.
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You're going to do some grieving
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over the loss
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of those hopes and dreams,
because that's not the way
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it's going to be.
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Now where's your son
fit in and all of this?
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Well, he's married to her.
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And what that means
is the same personality
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that you're dealing with,
that you notice these things
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that I just went over
these difficulties
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your son lives with that
your grandchildren.
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That's their mom.
So your son is.
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You might say, I'm so hurt
that my son doesn't care
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that she's pushing us off
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and doesn't care
that she doesn't treat us
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right, and doesn't care
that she doesn't
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bring the kids around, doesn't
care that this is how she is.
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But your son lives with her.
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Your son has to take the same
personality that you deal with
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once in a while, and he's
got to deal with it every day.
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So when that means she's getting
upset with him over things
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that he doesn't think he did
wrong,
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she's getting upset with him
a lot.
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He's got to kind of walk
on eggshells to not set her off.
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He is hearing
if she's talking about it,
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which she likely is,
her complaints about you.
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And if he sides
with you against her,
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then he's even in more trouble.
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So it's not going to be safe
for him to side with you.
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And as long as he's
at that place where he's
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not even dealing
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with his own marriage
difficulties, there's no way.
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I'm just
going to be honest with you.
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No way that he is going
to be able to rock the boat
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and take a strong stand for you.
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So you have to assume
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that he
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will not be able to take stand
for anything with you
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until he takes a stand
first in his own marriage.
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Know that.
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And then one more
important thing,
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because this is burned,
a lot of people
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assume that anything
that you say to your son
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about your daughter-in-law,
he is going to tell her.
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So if you go to him and you
say, honey, she's difficult.
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She takes a fence to everything.
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She's all these things.
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Can't you please
assume he's going to tell her?
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Because if you don't make
that assumption and he does,
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you will have said things
that you are going to regret.
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And why does he tell her?
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He tells her
because he's aligned with her.
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He tells her because he's trying
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to make things better with her.
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He tells her
because he's trying to
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maybe in that moment
think he can fix it.
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If he tells her
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what you're upset about,
that's not going to work.
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So assume that and be careful
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and don't say something that
will make the situation worse.
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Now you have to look at you
because your history
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and your personality
and all this,
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whether you feel like
you didn't do anything wrong
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and you didn't cause this,
you did nothing.
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That wonderful and generous
and sweet and accepting,
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you are part of it.
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Your personality
comes into this, and what I know
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from personal experience
with my own in-law family,
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marrying into my husband's
family and my own issues
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and their issues,
is that when you bring yourself
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in that reactivity to it,
it's like lighting a spark,
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taking a spark,
and it lights a fire.
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Because the more
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emotional, reactive
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and annoyed you are with this,
and the more stiff
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or uncomfortable the worst that
the situation gets.
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So you've got to look at what
this is triggering in you,
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how this is making you
feel upset, what the losses are
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is this remind you
of a childhood loss?
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Is this remind you
of what you experienced
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when you went into your marriage
with your husband?
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Or, and you know your
or your wife?
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If you're a man listening
to this most of the time,
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this is mother-in-law,
daughter-in-law.
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So got to look at that.
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You've got to
look at your energy.
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If you're uncomfortable,
are you leading that energy?
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Sometimes we have to act
in relationships like this.
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We have to put on an act
like we're okay.
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We're not bothered.
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We're just laid back.
We're easy.
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Even though inside
we're struggling sometimes.
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Sometimes acting as if is the
best way to diffuse something.
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If you're too needy to anxious
to pushy,
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it's going to come through
and you are going
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to make this worse.
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You also cannot feel like
a victim and that your powerless
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if you literally complain
to your friends.
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There's nothing
I could do. Like me.
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She wouldn't do this.
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You won't do that.
It's horrible. It's awful.
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You are going to increase all of
those emotions and that stuff,
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and that is going to increase
that energy.
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You've got to look at this
as okay,
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so I've got a difficult
situation.
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The daughter-in-law
has some issues.
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I've got to try to figure out
how to make the best of this
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and make my actions right,
so that I don't make it worse.
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And I'm going to look
at the options that I have
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and not feel like a victim,
but feel like a person
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who can exercise the choices
that I have.
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It's a mental thing
that will help you feel
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less negative about it.
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The next one is
you don't want to overreact.
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You don't want
to get go off on her.
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You don't want to tell her
everything that you think.
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You don't want to overreact
and be too intense
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and really demanding.
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Give me those kids.
You never let me have the kid.
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You let your mother
have them all the time.
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It's not fair because you'll be
blamed for everything.
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You will get the blame for the
entire problem, and your son
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will have to side with her
because you overreacted.
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So don't vent to your friends.
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Vent to a therapist.
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Vent to your spouse.
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Don't vent onto your daughter
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or your son-in-law or your son
because he's going to tell her
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under react.
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Under react meaning you pretend
even to yourself.
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00:11:03,896 --> 00:11:05,731
You tell yourself,
that's fine, it's okay.
249
00:11:05,731 --> 00:11:07,066
It doesn't bother me.
250
00:11:07,066 --> 00:11:10,069
No, if it bothers you,
you need to deal with it.
251
00:11:10,102 --> 00:11:12,838
If it's upsetting you, you need
to talk to somebody about it.
252
00:11:12,838 --> 00:11:14,006
You need to get
the feelings out.
253
00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:15,141
But you're just going to be
careful.
254
00:11:15,141 --> 00:11:18,144
Who? Maybe not to your son,
maybe not to her.
255
00:11:18,778 --> 00:11:23,349
Most of the time, the next one
is unrealistic expectations.
256
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:26,218
You got to look at
your expectations of yourself.
257
00:11:26,218 --> 00:11:29,689
Do you expect yourself to be
perfect and not to be bothered
258
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,624
by any of it?
Or do you expect yourself?
259
00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:33,225
You know,
what do you expect about you?
260
00:11:33,225 --> 00:11:34,460
What do you expect of your son?
261
00:11:34,460 --> 00:11:36,328
Do you expect your son
to be boiled to
262
00:11:36,328 --> 00:11:39,598
you and stand up for you against
his wife over everything?
263
00:11:40,166 --> 00:11:40,533
Okay?
264
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:42,301
What did you expect
if your daughter-in-law,
265
00:11:42,301 --> 00:11:45,237
did you expect her to love you
and treat you like mom?
266
00:11:45,237 --> 00:11:46,172
You got to look that.
267
00:11:46,172 --> 00:11:50,242
Because anytime we have
unrealistic unmet expectations,
268
00:11:50,609 --> 00:11:53,345
it causes intensity
in our relationships.
269
00:11:53,345 --> 00:11:56,182
Because it causes
pain, causes disappointment.
270
00:11:56,182 --> 00:11:59,185
It causes us to be angry
and irritated with people.
271
00:11:59,318 --> 00:12:01,687
So look at those expectations.
272
00:12:01,687 --> 00:12:02,988
Work through them.
273
00:12:02,988 --> 00:12:05,458
Get rid of the unrealistic
expectations.
274
00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:06,559
You've got to do that.
275
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,729
If you don't,
they're going to cause it
276
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:13,299
to be harder
for you to deal with this. So
277
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:17,937
the other
thing is now what can you do?
278
00:12:17,970 --> 00:12:19,705
What how do you handle this?
279
00:12:19,705 --> 00:12:22,308
Well, first of all,
I want you to think two things.
280
00:12:22,308 --> 00:12:25,978
One, I want you to think
about your daughter-in-law
281
00:12:26,545 --> 00:12:28,447
and what the limitations are
with her.
282
00:12:28,447 --> 00:12:31,884
I want you to think of them
as limitations that you have to
283
00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:35,688
take into consideration
any time that you deal with her,
284
00:12:36,055 --> 00:12:38,524
the realities.
This is your reality.
285
00:12:38,524 --> 00:12:41,660
So considering your reality,
right,
286
00:12:42,094 --> 00:12:44,797
you want to think of who she is
287
00:12:44,797 --> 00:12:46,966
and when you offer help
288
00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:50,269
or your offer, like, you know,
take the kids if you need them.
289
00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:52,037
Whatever. Do it casually.
290
00:12:52,037 --> 00:12:56,108
Not pushy specifically,
unless there's a specific day
291
00:12:56,642 --> 00:12:57,777
that you really would.
292
00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:00,746
You know, my sister's
coming into town with her kids.
293
00:13:00,746 --> 00:13:01,847
Her grandkids, you know.
294
00:13:01,847 --> 00:13:04,150
Would it be okay
if that day they came over?
295
00:13:04,150 --> 00:13:06,886
Always ask it as a
would it be okay?
296
00:13:06,886 --> 00:13:11,624
Make it open ended, but keep
your emotional reactivity down.
297
00:13:11,690 --> 00:13:13,459
As I said,
I don't care what it takes.
298
00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:15,027
If you have to act, pretend
299
00:13:16,061 --> 00:13:19,064
vent with your
friends before you come over.
300
00:13:19,331 --> 00:13:22,802
And like I said, you want to
offer open ended request
301
00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:26,605
so that you do not sound
controlling or demanding
302
00:13:26,605 --> 00:13:28,307
because controlling
and demanding
303
00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:31,310
will trigger a daughter-in-law
like this.
304
00:13:31,343 --> 00:13:34,680
If you sense things are getting
bad and increased in intensity,
305
00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:36,615
you might want to just back off
for a little while.
306
00:13:36,615 --> 00:13:39,185
You know,
maybe not call for a while.
307
00:13:39,185 --> 00:13:40,252
Maybe, you know,
308
00:13:40,252 --> 00:13:41,320
and you really want to kind of
309
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:45,491
let her set the pace
of the relationship and not
310
00:13:46,091 --> 00:13:49,862
you be the one that's trying
to force everything
311
00:13:49,895 --> 00:13:51,030
to be a certain way.
312
00:13:51,030 --> 00:13:53,699
Like, oh, we have to go to lunch
together once a week.
313
00:13:53,699 --> 00:13:56,068
That's what mother-in-law's
and daughter-in-laws do.
314
00:13:56,068 --> 00:13:58,237
You might
want to let her set the pace.
315
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:02,241
You deal with your child
316
00:14:02,241 --> 00:14:04,376
with requests if possible,
317
00:14:04,376 --> 00:14:07,179
unless your daughter-in-law gets
318
00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:10,216
upset over that and feels like
you're doing it behind her back.
319
00:14:10,349 --> 00:14:13,385
But if possible, do it
with both of them.
320
00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:15,988
Like maybe you could text
both of them.
321
00:14:15,988 --> 00:14:17,489
Can we have the kids
322
00:14:17,489 --> 00:14:20,860
come over, or can you all
come over this weekend anytime?
323
00:14:21,260 --> 00:14:24,897
Because Aunt Joe's
coming into town and so
324
00:14:24,930 --> 00:14:26,198
text them both.
325
00:14:26,198 --> 00:14:30,169
If your son asks you
not to text her,
326
00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:33,372
then go along with what
your son asks you.
327
00:14:33,439 --> 00:14:37,142
If she asks you only to text her
and not involved him,
328
00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:38,878
you got to go along with that.
329
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:42,615
Unless you bring it up
and you talk about it
330
00:14:42,615 --> 00:14:45,651
and you say,
this is why this bothers me.
331
00:14:45,784 --> 00:14:48,320
Why is this a problem?
Let's talk.
332
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,823
Now, that is the other thing.
333
00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:52,625
Before you say anything,
334
00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:55,461
have any confrontation,
bring any conflict,
335
00:14:55,461 --> 00:14:58,597
any concern to light,
try to defend yourself.
336
00:14:58,697 --> 00:15:00,099
Explain anything.
337
00:15:00,099 --> 00:15:01,700
Think it through.
338
00:15:01,700 --> 00:15:02,735
Count the cost.
339
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:05,504
What are the repercussions
of doing that?
340
00:15:05,504 --> 00:15:08,107
Of not doing that?
Will you be super resentful?
341
00:15:08,107 --> 00:15:09,942
Will it be unresolved?
342
00:15:09,942 --> 00:15:13,279
Or will it blow up
and become an even bigger issue?
343
00:15:13,345 --> 00:15:14,280
You've got to think of her
344
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:15,047
problem solving
345
00:15:15,047 --> 00:15:16,849
skills, of the way
346
00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:18,284
that she's
responded in the past,
347
00:15:18,284 --> 00:15:20,686
and you got to weigh
it and make a wise decision.
348
00:15:20,686 --> 00:15:23,889
Don't go in to confront
349
00:15:23,889 --> 00:15:26,892
and talk about anything
without first doing that.
350
00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:29,495
You want to keep your life
full of things you love.
351
00:15:29,495 --> 00:15:32,765
Do not make your relationship
with your son,
352
00:15:32,798 --> 00:15:34,967
your daughter-in-law,
and your grandkids
353
00:15:34,967 --> 00:15:36,702
the center of your life.
354
00:15:36,702 --> 00:15:40,306
All of us have to understand
that empty nest is empty nest.
355
00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:44,910
That means not
what is our expectations, is it?
356
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,245
Oh, my kids are going to leave.
357
00:15:46,245 --> 00:15:48,080
And then my whole life
is going to be full
358
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,950
with my adult children
and grandchildren.
359
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:51,984
Is that your expectation?
360
00:15:51,984 --> 00:15:54,019
Because that might not be
what's going to happen.
361
00:15:54,019 --> 00:15:56,689
And if that's the case,
you've got to have a full life
362
00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:58,857
you love,
whether it's traveling,
363
00:15:58,857 --> 00:16:02,594
whether it's a new interest,
vocation, passion,
364
00:16:02,594 --> 00:16:04,163
volunteer thing, whatever.
365
00:16:04,163 --> 00:16:06,832
That is just fun, I don't know,
366
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:08,734
do it.
367
00:16:08,734 --> 00:16:11,136
Get a life, get a life for you.
368
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:12,738
The next one is
369
00:16:12,738 --> 00:16:13,672
you're going to have to have
370
00:16:13,672 --> 00:16:15,341
some things
that you don't tolerate.
371
00:16:15,341 --> 00:16:19,211
You're not going to tolerate
pure disrespect or abuse
372
00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:22,881
or things that are just
completely over the line.
373
00:16:22,881 --> 00:16:25,217
I'm not saying to
tolerate everything.
374
00:16:25,217 --> 00:16:25,818
I'm not saying
375
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:28,821
that you have to put up
with anything and everything.
376
00:16:28,854 --> 00:16:30,456
You got to work through
grieving,
377
00:16:30,456 --> 00:16:31,857
loss of the hopes and dreams.
378
00:16:31,857 --> 00:16:32,157
I mean,
379
00:16:32,157 --> 00:16:35,294
anything that we hope for
that doesn't happen is a loss.
380
00:16:35,594 --> 00:16:38,597
And we have to go through
denial,
381
00:16:39,231 --> 00:16:41,066
anger, bargaining.
382
00:16:41,066 --> 00:16:42,134
Well, if only I do this,
383
00:16:42,134 --> 00:16:44,069
maybe this will work out
if we're going to do this.
384
00:16:44,069 --> 00:16:47,539
Maybe that sadness,
which is the feeling,
385
00:16:47,539 --> 00:16:49,108
the loss and understanding
386
00:16:49,108 --> 00:16:51,744
the significance of that,
and then finally acceptance
387
00:16:51,744 --> 00:16:54,680
when you get to
where you accept the situation.
388
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,148
This is who your son married.
389
00:16:56,148 --> 00:16:57,416
Until he deals with this
390
00:16:57,416 --> 00:17:00,452
in his marriage first,
he will not be able to deal
391
00:17:00,452 --> 00:17:03,455
with this with us
and stand up for us.
392
00:17:03,956 --> 00:17:06,492
So accept that loss.
393
00:17:06,492 --> 00:17:08,394
Go into expectancy.
394
00:17:08,394 --> 00:17:09,862
And now what?
395
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:12,531
Acceptance
says this is what it is.
396
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:13,499
Now what?
397
00:17:13,499 --> 00:17:15,200
What can I do with this?
398
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,403
How do I best handle this?
399
00:17:17,403 --> 00:17:21,573
How do I deal with this
now that this is my reality?
400
00:17:21,573 --> 00:17:22,941
That's how you do that.
401
00:17:24,109 --> 00:17:25,177
You also
402
00:17:25,177 --> 00:17:29,782
want to
decide what is my primary goal.
403
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:32,451
If your primary goal
is not to be at this point,
404
00:17:32,451 --> 00:17:34,586
given the situation,
not to be super close
405
00:17:34,586 --> 00:17:38,190
to your daughter-in-law,
but maintain a good relationship
406
00:17:38,190 --> 00:17:41,360
with her and your son to where
you can see your grandkids.
407
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:43,896
Make your choices based on that.
408
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:46,632
Make your choices
of how much you confront.
409
00:17:46,632 --> 00:17:48,067
And if you know that
410
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:50,335
that relationship with her
is never going to be good
411
00:17:50,335 --> 00:17:52,704
because she's not
going to be close to you.
412
00:17:52,704 --> 00:17:55,774
She's not going to be anything
but sensitive,
413
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:59,178
then you can be cordial
and be nice and be friendly,
414
00:17:59,178 --> 00:18:00,279
but keep maintain
415
00:18:00,279 --> 00:18:02,381
just enough of that relationship
where you can.
416
00:18:02,381 --> 00:18:04,016
Still,
she's comfortable with you
417
00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:05,651
having your own kids
in your life,
418
00:18:05,651 --> 00:18:08,353
you got to figure it out.
What is your primary goal?
419
00:18:08,353 --> 00:18:12,191
And based on that, that's
what is going to guide you
420
00:18:12,257 --> 00:18:13,625
to what
you're going to bring up,
421
00:18:13,625 --> 00:18:16,995
what type of conflict
resolution
422
00:18:16,995 --> 00:18:18,397
you're going to have
in the relationship,
423
00:18:18,397 --> 00:18:20,866
how much you're going
to overlook all of that.
424
00:18:20,866 --> 00:18:24,837
And then the next one
is to set boundaries
425
00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:26,371
for what you will
and will not do.
426
00:18:26,371 --> 00:18:27,940
You know,
there might be some things
427
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,942
that you're
just not going to do.
428
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,343
I know one
429
00:18:31,343 --> 00:18:33,745
mom who had a really difficult
one woman
430
00:18:33,745 --> 00:18:35,981
who had a really difficult
daughter-in-law,
431
00:18:35,981 --> 00:18:38,984
and she had just
literally been there.
432
00:18:38,984 --> 00:18:40,452
No matter what happened.
433
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,821
She was
she would wipe her calendar
434
00:18:42,821 --> 00:18:45,691
clean last minute, babysit
those kids.
435
00:18:45,691 --> 00:18:48,694
She would just
put everything aside.
436
00:18:48,894 --> 00:18:52,397
And she realized that she was
starting to get resentful
437
00:18:52,431 --> 00:18:53,432
because she would do that.
438
00:18:53,432 --> 00:18:54,733
And then something would happen
439
00:18:54,733 --> 00:18:56,602
and the kids would be
pulled away from a while
440
00:18:56,602 --> 00:18:58,103
and she wouldn't
get to see them.
441
00:18:58,103 --> 00:19:00,139
So she had to learn that, hey,
442
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:02,274
you know, I'm
going to act respectfully.
443
00:19:02,274 --> 00:19:04,510
I'm going to one thing
I'm going to do
444
00:19:04,510 --> 00:19:04,977
is I'm
445
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:08,881
not going to clear my calendar
if I've already got something,
446
00:19:08,947 --> 00:19:10,182
even though I desperately want
447
00:19:10,182 --> 00:19:12,217
to see those kids,
I'm going to say, I'm sorry.
448
00:19:12,217 --> 00:19:15,621
I can't watch them
because I've already got plans.
449
00:19:15,721 --> 00:19:18,023
So she at least decided that
rather than
450
00:19:18,023 --> 00:19:20,559
having this big confrontation
here, see?
451
00:19:20,559 --> 00:19:21,693
Note this,
452
00:19:21,693 --> 00:19:22,094
instead of
453
00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:23,762
saying
you always call me last minute
454
00:19:23,762 --> 00:19:24,363
and I always
455
00:19:24,363 --> 00:19:25,898
put all my plans aside
456
00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:28,200
and I'm not
going to do that anymore
457
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,735
because you don't give me enough
notice.
458
00:19:29,735 --> 00:19:31,203
You can imagine how that's going
459
00:19:31,203 --> 00:19:32,938
to blow up with this kind
of daughter-in-law.
460
00:19:32,938 --> 00:19:35,374
So this woman knew
better than to bring that up.
461
00:19:35,374 --> 00:19:38,377
But for herself,
she made the decision, I'm
462
00:19:38,610 --> 00:19:39,878
not going to do that anymore.
463
00:19:39,878 --> 00:19:44,116
I'm just going to very nicely
say, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
464
00:19:44,149 --> 00:19:46,552
I would love to see them,
but I've already got plans.
465
00:19:46,552 --> 00:19:48,754
So that's
putting that message out.
466
00:19:48,754 --> 00:19:50,222
You're going to have to call me
ahead of time
467
00:19:50,222 --> 00:19:51,023
and give me notice,
468
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:55,027
because I might be busy
and without stirring it up.
469
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:58,664
So that's how you use wisdom
and how you handle this.
470
00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:00,999
Now, the last one is
471
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:05,170
very important
and that is compassion.
472
00:20:05,938 --> 00:20:07,039
Always.
473
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,040
Having compassion
474
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:11,043
will help us in dealing
with difficult people.
475
00:20:11,476 --> 00:20:14,880
Your daughter-in-law,
in order to be like
476
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:18,784
this, to be
this person is struggling.
477
00:20:18,817 --> 00:20:21,720
Believe it or not, you may not
believe it, but she is.
478
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:24,223
Anytime
anybody has this jealousy
479
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:27,226
and this competition
and this insecurity
480
00:20:27,259 --> 00:20:31,797
and this possessiveness, there's
stuff churning inside of her.
481
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:35,267
It is not a fun way to be.
482
00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:38,670
It is an emotional struggle.
483
00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:39,838
She's struggling.
484
00:20:39,838 --> 00:20:42,841
Have compassion. Don't hate her.
485
00:20:42,874 --> 00:20:46,111
Don't have building up
all this resentment toward her.
486
00:20:46,144 --> 00:20:49,514
Understand that there's
something going on inside of her
487
00:20:50,015 --> 00:20:52,818
that is causing her
to be this way,
488
00:20:52,818 --> 00:20:57,322
and that it is most likely
from brokenness, from pain.
489
00:20:57,556 --> 00:20:58,624
In the past.
490
00:20:58,624 --> 00:21:00,292
It may be in her childhood,
491
00:21:00,292 --> 00:21:03,228
maybe just in her emotional
makeup.
492
00:21:03,228 --> 00:21:04,930
Things that have happened
to her.
493
00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:08,133
Have compassion
and pray for her.
494
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:12,671
Pray for your son and pray
for this wisdom and discernment.
495
00:21:12,671 --> 00:21:15,073
Like I said, to figure out
how best to navigate
496
00:21:15,073 --> 00:21:18,610
this difficult relationship
because it will affect
497
00:21:18,710 --> 00:21:20,345
how close.
498
00:21:20,345 --> 00:21:22,481
I shouldn't say close
because you can't guarantee
499
00:21:22,481 --> 00:21:23,015
it'll be a close
500
00:21:23,015 --> 00:21:26,752
relationship with your son, but
how much they're in your life.
501
00:21:26,785 --> 00:21:28,353
And if your goal is to
502
00:21:28,353 --> 00:21:30,722
have them in your life
as much as possible,
503
00:21:30,722 --> 00:21:33,692
given the circumstance,
then choose wisely.
504
00:21:33,825 --> 00:21:37,562
Thank you for watching this
video on Change My Relationship.
505
00:21:37,562 --> 00:21:40,399
And if you really heard
a lot of things in this
506
00:21:40,399 --> 00:21:41,900
that made you feel like,
oh my gosh,
507
00:21:41,900 --> 00:21:43,835
I need to work on that,
need to work on that.
508
00:21:43,835 --> 00:21:47,906
Every one of my videos,
my books, and my studies
509
00:21:47,906 --> 00:21:52,144
that talk about difficult
relationships you can learn from
510
00:21:52,210 --> 00:21:56,148
because they're all things
that teach people to deal with
511
00:21:56,148 --> 00:21:59,384
difficult people
and difficult relationships.
512
00:21:59,518 --> 00:22:01,953
So you've got plenty
more to watch.
513
00:22:01,953 --> 00:22:05,590
Not just this one, because it's
the only one that is labeled
514
00:22:05,857 --> 00:22:08,493
daughter-in-law.
Okay. All right. Thank you.
515
00:22:09,628 --> 00:22:12,631
Thank you for listening
to Change My Relationship.
516
00:22:12,731 --> 00:22:15,133
We hope you will subscribe
to these podcasts
517
00:22:15,133 --> 00:22:16,702
and share them
with your friends.
518
00:22:16,702 --> 00:22:18,937
Karla
would love to hear from you.
519
00:22:18,937 --> 00:22:19,571
She welcomes
520
00:22:19,571 --> 00:22:22,774
ideas for a future podcast,
as well as your feedback
521
00:22:22,974 --> 00:22:26,144
on how the podcasts have helped
your life and relationships.
522
00:22:26,712 --> 00:22:27,946
You can email her at.
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00:22:27,946 --> 00:22:30,949
karla@changemyrelationship.com
524
00:22:31,717 --> 00:22:34,152
For more information
on Change My Relationship
525
00:22:34,152 --> 00:22:35,854
and Karla Downing's ministry,
526
00:22:35,854 --> 00:22:39,791
including her books,
studies, devotionals, podcasts
527
00:22:40,058 --> 00:22:44,629
and YouTube videos
visit changemyrelationship.com.
00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:02,002
You're
listening to an audio recording
2
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:05,205
by Change My Relationship,
featuring licensed marriage
3
00:00:05,205 --> 00:00:08,208
and family therapist
and author Karla Downing.
4
00:00:08,475 --> 00:00:10,210
These audios are designed
to provide you
5
00:00:10,210 --> 00:00:13,079
with practical solutions
based on biblical truths
6
00:00:13,079 --> 00:00:16,082
for all your relationships.
7
00:00:18,785 --> 00:00:19,919
I want to talk to you
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00:00:19,919 --> 00:00:23,023
about having a difficult
daughter-in-law.
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00:00:23,590 --> 00:00:25,859
And I know
from what I hear from you
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00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:27,627
that there are a lot of you
that do.
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00:00:27,627 --> 00:00:30,463
And it's a very,
very difficult thing.
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00:00:30,463 --> 00:00:31,297
It's very
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00:00:31,297 --> 00:00:33,900
can be even heartbreaking,
especially when it affects
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00:00:33,900 --> 00:00:36,102
your relationship
with your grandchildren.
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00:00:36,102 --> 00:00:38,805
But let's talk about, first,
the characteristics
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00:00:38,805 --> 00:00:44,110
of what we commonly see
is a difficult daughter-in-law.
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00:00:44,577 --> 00:00:47,680
The first is
she's reactive to everything.
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00:00:47,814 --> 00:00:48,882
Very sensitive.
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00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:51,785
She takes offence
at the smallest thing.
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00:00:51,785 --> 00:00:55,355
You don't think
you've done anything wrong?
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00:00:55,388 --> 00:00:57,123
You've done
the same thing that you did
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00:00:57,123 --> 00:00:57,824
with her,
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00:00:57,824 --> 00:01:00,093
with your other daughter-in-law,
or with friends,
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00:01:00,093 --> 00:01:03,463
or with your son,
or with other people.
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00:01:03,463 --> 00:01:04,664
And no problem.
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00:01:04,664 --> 00:01:06,332
Nobody says anything.
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00:01:06,332 --> 00:01:09,102
Nobody's bothered.
But she's offended.
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00:01:09,102 --> 00:01:12,305
Next one is she's jealous of you
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00:01:13,106 --> 00:01:15,842
and your relationship
with your son.
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00:01:15,842 --> 00:01:16,910
Her husband.
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00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:19,646
She feels competition with that.
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00:01:19,646 --> 00:01:22,015
She's jealous
at the time he spends with you.
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00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:25,218
She's jealous of him
coming over on his own.
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00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:27,887
She tries to pull him away
from you. And you can feel that.
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00:01:27,887 --> 00:01:29,722
You can see that
that's going on.
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00:01:29,722 --> 00:01:32,659
She is not like you around him
all the time.
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00:01:32,659 --> 00:01:35,495
And when you are,
she is kind of there.
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00:01:35,495 --> 00:01:38,164
She doesn't let
you have time alone with him.
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00:01:38,164 --> 00:01:42,268
Next one is competitive
between you and her mom.
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00:01:42,469 --> 00:01:43,503
So she is going
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00:01:43,503 --> 00:01:47,407
to, like, want to make sure
that her relationship with her
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00:01:47,407 --> 00:01:50,777
mom has more time
with than the time with you.
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00:01:50,877 --> 00:01:52,178
She wants you to know
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00:01:52,178 --> 00:01:54,981
that her relationship with her
mom is really good,
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00:01:54,981 --> 00:01:55,982
and that she's spending
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00:01:55,982 --> 00:01:59,719
time with her mom, and she's
talking about my mom a lot.
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00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:02,055
And so you just feel like you're
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00:02:02,055 --> 00:02:05,692
her mom is kind of in between
the relationship with you.
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00:02:05,825 --> 00:02:08,761
Not because
her mother puts herself there,
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00:02:08,761 --> 00:02:11,698
but because your daughter-in-law
keeps wanting to make
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00:02:11,698 --> 00:02:16,536
you feel like everything
she needs comes from her mom.
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00:02:17,270 --> 00:02:20,940
Next one is she's protective
of her mom
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00:02:20,940 --> 00:02:23,977
and their family,
so she's not necessarily.
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00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:26,279
Maybe you had this dream
of being close
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00:02:26,279 --> 00:02:29,449
to your daughter-in-law's family
and you'd all get together.
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00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:31,851
The in-laws family.
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00:02:31,851 --> 00:02:33,052
Your daughter-in-law's family.
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00:02:33,052 --> 00:02:35,288
Your family.
All big. One happy thing.
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00:02:35,288 --> 00:02:38,324
You and the mother-in-law,
her mother.
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00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:40,260
And you are going to be good
friends.
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00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:43,096
And so you find that
she kind of holds them aside,
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00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:46,099
keeps them away from you,
doesn't want them to kind of be
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00:02:46,099 --> 00:02:49,102
mixing, doesn't really
want you to get to know them.
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00:02:49,369 --> 00:02:51,838
Also possessive of her kids.
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00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:53,339
If she has children,
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00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:56,943
you can tell that
she's kind of paying attention.
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00:02:57,043 --> 00:02:59,345
How much are you around them?
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00:02:59,345 --> 00:03:01,080
How close
do you get to get with them?
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00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:03,550
If you get really close
with them? She's jealous.
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00:03:03,550 --> 00:03:05,218
She's uncomfortable.
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00:03:05,218 --> 00:03:07,287
She'll pull them away from you.
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00:03:07,287 --> 00:03:09,088
She just wants to let you know.
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00:03:09,088 --> 00:03:12,725
Like, these are my kids
and they're not yours.
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00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:15,862
And you're not going to be able
to have them
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00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:17,230
as much as you want them.
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00:03:17,230 --> 00:03:20,967
And you can just feel this tug
of war in this pull between her
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00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:24,804
letting you be around her
kids, your grandkids,
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00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:27,407
and then she's resentful.
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00:03:27,407 --> 00:03:29,842
She holds resentments
and grievances.
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00:03:29,842 --> 00:03:31,744
So there's little things,
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00:03:31,744 --> 00:03:33,346
all those things
that have built up
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00:03:33,346 --> 00:03:35,648
that happen
that she took offense to.
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00:03:35,648 --> 00:03:36,883
They're not resolved.
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00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:38,618
And worse than that,
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00:03:38,618 --> 00:03:42,822
you can't resolve them because
when you try to explain to her.
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00:03:42,855 --> 00:03:45,491
I didn't mean that
that's you took that wrong.
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00:03:45,491 --> 00:03:47,961
That's not what I was saying.
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00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:50,496
She does not feel better.
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00:03:50,496 --> 00:03:52,131
She, in fact, can get worse.
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00:03:52,131 --> 00:03:53,499
Then she gets resentful
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00:03:53,499 --> 00:03:56,069
about what you're saying,
to try to fix it,
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00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:58,371
and then it just
it just blows up.
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00:03:58,371 --> 00:04:01,808
So you are in a position
where you feel like, oh, my,
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00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:03,943
I am so disappointed.
95
00:04:03,943 --> 00:04:07,614
So here are some of the hopes
that you probably had
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00:04:07,614 --> 00:04:08,681
for this relationship.
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00:04:08,681 --> 00:04:10,049
Some of your myths
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00:04:10,049 --> 00:04:11,651
you believed
when your daughter-in-law
99
00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:13,186
came into your life
that you were going to.
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00:04:13,186 --> 00:04:16,055
She's going to love your family.
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00:04:16,055 --> 00:04:17,890
She's just going to love
all of you,
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00:04:17,890 --> 00:04:21,361
and she's going to be
like a daughter to you,
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00:04:21,961 --> 00:04:23,162
and that you're going to
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00:04:23,162 --> 00:04:26,332
still be as close to your son
as you've ever been.
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00:04:26,332 --> 00:04:27,934
So it's just going to be adding
106
00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:30,603
to your family
when you believe those things
107
00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:33,239
and it doesn't happen.
And the opposite happens.
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00:04:33,239 --> 00:04:35,975
There's all this stress
and the strain.
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00:04:35,975 --> 00:04:37,644
It is really devastating.
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00:04:37,644 --> 00:04:40,647
So you've got to look at those
myths and say,
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00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:44,083
I believed this,
but this isn't reality.
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00:04:44,217 --> 00:04:45,918
It's not my reality.
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00:04:45,918 --> 00:04:48,054
Trust me, you're not alone.
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00:04:48,054 --> 00:04:51,257
You I wish I could say there's
only one person out there
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00:04:51,257 --> 00:04:54,260
that this video would apply to,
but that's not the case.
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00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:55,762
So you want to
look at those myths,
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00:04:55,762 --> 00:04:57,497
and you've got to let those go.
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00:04:57,497 --> 00:04:58,164
You've got to.
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00:04:58,164 --> 00:04:59,532
You're going to do some grieving
120
00:04:59,532 --> 00:05:00,533
over the loss
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00:05:00,533 --> 00:05:03,670
of those hopes and dreams,
because that's not the way
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00:05:03,703 --> 00:05:04,837
it's going to be.
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00:05:04,837 --> 00:05:07,407
Now where's your son
fit in and all of this?
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00:05:07,407 --> 00:05:08,941
Well, he's married to her.
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00:05:08,941 --> 00:05:11,944
And what that means
is the same personality
126
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:15,415
that you're dealing with,
that you notice these things
127
00:05:15,415 --> 00:05:18,117
that I just went over
these difficulties
128
00:05:18,117 --> 00:05:21,220
your son lives with that
your grandchildren.
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00:05:21,254 --> 00:05:24,457
That's their mom.
So your son is.
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00:05:24,524 --> 00:05:27,894
You might say, I'm so hurt
that my son doesn't care
131
00:05:28,094 --> 00:05:29,862
that she's pushing us off
132
00:05:29,862 --> 00:05:31,864
and doesn't care
that she doesn't treat us
133
00:05:31,864 --> 00:05:33,533
right, and doesn't care
that she doesn't
134
00:05:33,533 --> 00:05:37,003
bring the kids around, doesn't
care that this is how she is.
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00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:40,039
But your son lives with her.
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00:05:40,039 --> 00:05:43,743
Your son has to take the same
personality that you deal with
137
00:05:43,743 --> 00:05:46,746
once in a while, and he's
got to deal with it every day.
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00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:51,250
So when that means she's getting
upset with him over things
139
00:05:51,884 --> 00:05:53,419
that he doesn't think he did
wrong,
140
00:05:53,419 --> 00:05:55,788
she's getting upset with him
a lot.
141
00:05:55,788 --> 00:05:58,925
He's got to kind of walk
on eggshells to not set her off.
142
00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:02,028
He is hearing
if she's talking about it,
143
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:04,997
which she likely is,
her complaints about you.
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00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:09,001
And if he sides
with you against her,
145
00:06:09,268 --> 00:06:11,204
then he's even in more trouble.
146
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:14,207
So it's not going to be safe
for him to side with you.
147
00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:17,510
And as long as he's
at that place where he's
148
00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:18,945
not even dealing
149
00:06:18,945 --> 00:06:22,682
with his own marriage
difficulties, there's no way.
150
00:06:22,849 --> 00:06:24,484
I'm just
going to be honest with you.
151
00:06:24,484 --> 00:06:28,688
No way that he is going
to be able to rock the boat
152
00:06:28,821 --> 00:06:31,824
and take a strong stand for you.
153
00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:34,927
So you have to assume
154
00:06:36,362 --> 00:06:36,929
that he
155
00:06:36,929 --> 00:06:40,767
will not be able to take stand
for anything with you
156
00:06:40,767 --> 00:06:43,770
until he takes a stand
first in his own marriage.
157
00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:45,338
Know that.
158
00:06:45,338 --> 00:06:47,540
And then one more
important thing,
159
00:06:47,540 --> 00:06:50,376
because this is burned,
a lot of people
160
00:06:50,376 --> 00:06:53,746
assume that anything
that you say to your son
161
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:58,017
about your daughter-in-law,
he is going to tell her.
162
00:06:59,218 --> 00:07:03,456
So if you go to him and you
say, honey, she's difficult.
163
00:07:03,456 --> 00:07:05,324
She takes a fence to everything.
164
00:07:05,324 --> 00:07:07,026
She's all these things.
165
00:07:07,026 --> 00:07:09,762
Can't you please
assume he's going to tell her?
166
00:07:09,762 --> 00:07:12,765
Because if you don't make
that assumption and he does,
167
00:07:13,366 --> 00:07:16,269
you will have said things
that you are going to regret.
168
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:18,004
And why does he tell her?
169
00:07:18,004 --> 00:07:20,540
He tells her
because he's aligned with her.
170
00:07:20,540 --> 00:07:22,041
He tells her because he's trying
171
00:07:22,041 --> 00:07:24,143
to make things better with her.
172
00:07:24,143 --> 00:07:26,379
He tells her
because he's trying to
173
00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:29,816
maybe in that moment
think he can fix it.
174
00:07:29,849 --> 00:07:30,783
If he tells her
175
00:07:30,783 --> 00:07:33,786
what you're upset about,
that's not going to work.
176
00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:37,890
So assume that and be careful
177
00:07:37,890 --> 00:07:41,127
and don't say something that
will make the situation worse.
178
00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:45,364
Now you have to look at you
because your history
179
00:07:45,598 --> 00:07:49,202
and your personality
and all this,
180
00:07:49,402 --> 00:07:52,405
whether you feel like
you didn't do anything wrong
181
00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:54,140
and you didn't cause this,
you did nothing.
182
00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:56,943
That wonderful and generous
and sweet and accepting,
183
00:07:57,877 --> 00:07:59,846
you are part of it.
184
00:07:59,846 --> 00:08:03,483
Your personality
comes into this, and what I know
185
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:08,120
from personal experience
with my own in-law family,
186
00:08:08,187 --> 00:08:11,190
marrying into my husband's
family and my own issues
187
00:08:11,190 --> 00:08:14,494
and their issues,
is that when you bring yourself
188
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:18,331
in that reactivity to it,
it's like lighting a spark,
189
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:21,100
taking a spark,
and it lights a fire.
190
00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:23,369
Because the more
191
00:08:23,369 --> 00:08:25,838
emotional, reactive
192
00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:30,142
and annoyed you are with this,
and the more stiff
193
00:08:30,209 --> 00:08:34,447
or uncomfortable the worst that
the situation gets.
194
00:08:34,447 --> 00:08:37,683
So you've got to look at what
this is triggering in you,
195
00:08:37,750 --> 00:08:41,454
how this is making you
feel upset, what the losses are
196
00:08:41,487 --> 00:08:43,623
is this remind you
of a childhood loss?
197
00:08:43,623 --> 00:08:46,225
Is this remind you
of what you experienced
198
00:08:46,225 --> 00:08:49,161
when you went into your marriage
with your husband?
199
00:08:49,161 --> 00:08:52,298
Or, and you know your
or your wife?
200
00:08:52,298 --> 00:08:54,734
If you're a man listening
to this most of the time,
201
00:08:54,734 --> 00:08:56,802
this is mother-in-law,
daughter-in-law.
202
00:08:56,802 --> 00:08:59,405
So got to look at that.
203
00:08:59,405 --> 00:09:02,408
You've got to
look at your energy.
204
00:09:02,508 --> 00:09:07,179
If you're uncomfortable,
are you leading that energy?
205
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:10,750
Sometimes we have to act
in relationships like this.
206
00:09:10,783 --> 00:09:14,287
We have to put on an act
like we're okay.
207
00:09:14,854 --> 00:09:16,222
We're not bothered.
208
00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:18,157
We're just laid back.
We're easy.
209
00:09:18,157 --> 00:09:20,426
Even though inside
we're struggling sometimes.
210
00:09:20,426 --> 00:09:24,697
Sometimes acting as if is the
best way to diffuse something.
211
00:09:25,331 --> 00:09:28,701
If you're too needy to anxious
to pushy,
212
00:09:28,701 --> 00:09:30,870
it's going to come through
and you are going
213
00:09:30,870 --> 00:09:32,438
to make this worse.
214
00:09:32,438 --> 00:09:35,441
You also cannot feel like
a victim and that your powerless
215
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:38,411
if you literally complain
to your friends.
216
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:40,546
There's nothing
I could do. Like me.
217
00:09:40,546 --> 00:09:41,347
She wouldn't do this.
218
00:09:41,347 --> 00:09:43,783
You won't do that.
It's horrible. It's awful.
219
00:09:43,783 --> 00:09:47,386
You are going to increase all of
those emotions and that stuff,
220
00:09:47,386 --> 00:09:49,989
and that is going to increase
that energy.
221
00:09:49,989 --> 00:09:51,757
You've got to look at this
as okay,
222
00:09:51,757 --> 00:09:54,360
so I've got a difficult
situation.
223
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:56,262
The daughter-in-law
has some issues.
224
00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:58,998
I've got to try to figure out
how to make the best of this
225
00:09:58,998 --> 00:10:02,401
and make my actions right,
so that I don't make it worse.
226
00:10:02,568 --> 00:10:05,137
And I'm going to look
at the options that I have
227
00:10:05,137 --> 00:10:07,607
and not feel like a victim,
but feel like a person
228
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:10,009
who can exercise the choices
that I have.
229
00:10:10,009 --> 00:10:13,012
It's a mental thing
that will help you feel
230
00:10:13,079 --> 00:10:16,449
less negative about it.
231
00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:19,118
The next one is
you don't want to overreact.
232
00:10:19,118 --> 00:10:20,886
You don't want
to get go off on her.
233
00:10:20,886 --> 00:10:23,089
You don't want to tell her
everything that you think.
234
00:10:23,089 --> 00:10:26,826
You don't want to overreact
and be too intense
235
00:10:26,826 --> 00:10:28,094
and really demanding.
236
00:10:28,094 --> 00:10:30,029
Give me those kids.
You never let me have the kid.
237
00:10:30,029 --> 00:10:31,964
You let your mother
have them all the time.
238
00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:35,468
It's not fair because you'll be
blamed for everything.
239
00:10:35,534 --> 00:10:39,205
You will get the blame for the
entire problem, and your son
240
00:10:39,238 --> 00:10:43,976
will have to side with her
because you overreacted.
241
00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:47,380
So don't vent to your friends.
242
00:10:47,847 --> 00:10:50,016
Vent to a therapist.
243
00:10:50,016 --> 00:10:52,218
Vent to your spouse.
244
00:10:52,218 --> 00:10:55,221
Don't vent onto your daughter
245
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:58,658
or your son-in-law or your son
because he's going to tell her
246
00:10:59,925 --> 00:11:00,860
under react.
247
00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:03,863
Under react meaning you pretend
even to yourself.
248
00:11:03,896 --> 00:11:05,731
You tell yourself,
that's fine, it's okay.
249
00:11:05,731 --> 00:11:07,066
It doesn't bother me.
250
00:11:07,066 --> 00:11:10,069
No, if it bothers you,
you need to deal with it.
251
00:11:10,102 --> 00:11:12,838
If it's upsetting you, you need
to talk to somebody about it.
252
00:11:12,838 --> 00:11:14,006
You need to get
the feelings out.
253
00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:15,141
But you're just going to be
careful.
254
00:11:15,141 --> 00:11:18,144
Who? Maybe not to your son,
maybe not to her.
255
00:11:18,778 --> 00:11:23,349
Most of the time, the next one
is unrealistic expectations.
256
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:26,218
You got to look at
your expectations of yourself.
257
00:11:26,218 --> 00:11:29,689
Do you expect yourself to be
perfect and not to be bothered
258
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,624
by any of it?
Or do you expect yourself?
259
00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:33,225
You know,
what do you expect about you?
260
00:11:33,225 --> 00:11:34,460
What do you expect of your son?
261
00:11:34,460 --> 00:11:36,328
Do you expect your son
to be boiled to
262
00:11:36,328 --> 00:11:39,598
you and stand up for you against
his wife over everything?
263
00:11:40,166 --> 00:11:40,533
Okay?
264
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:42,301
What did you expect
if your daughter-in-law,
265
00:11:42,301 --> 00:11:45,237
did you expect her to love you
and treat you like mom?
266
00:11:45,237 --> 00:11:46,172
You got to look that.
267
00:11:46,172 --> 00:11:50,242
Because anytime we have
unrealistic unmet expectations,
268
00:11:50,609 --> 00:11:53,345
it causes intensity
in our relationships.
269
00:11:53,345 --> 00:11:56,182
Because it causes
pain, causes disappointment.
270
00:11:56,182 --> 00:11:59,185
It causes us to be angry
and irritated with people.
271
00:11:59,318 --> 00:12:01,687
So look at those expectations.
272
00:12:01,687 --> 00:12:02,988
Work through them.
273
00:12:02,988 --> 00:12:05,458
Get rid of the unrealistic
expectations.
274
00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:06,559
You've got to do that.
275
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,729
If you don't,
they're going to cause it
276
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:13,299
to be harder
for you to deal with this. So
277
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:17,937
the other
thing is now what can you do?
278
00:12:17,970 --> 00:12:19,705
What how do you handle this?
279
00:12:19,705 --> 00:12:22,308
Well, first of all,
I want you to think two things.
280
00:12:22,308 --> 00:12:25,978
One, I want you to think
about your daughter-in-law
281
00:12:26,545 --> 00:12:28,447
and what the limitations are
with her.
282
00:12:28,447 --> 00:12:31,884
I want you to think of them
as limitations that you have to
283
00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:35,688
take into consideration
any time that you deal with her,
284
00:12:36,055 --> 00:12:38,524
the realities.
This is your reality.
285
00:12:38,524 --> 00:12:41,660
So considering your reality,
right,
286
00:12:42,094 --> 00:12:44,797
you want to think of who she is
287
00:12:44,797 --> 00:12:46,966
and when you offer help
288
00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:50,269
or your offer, like, you know,
take the kids if you need them.
289
00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:52,037
Whatever. Do it casually.
290
00:12:52,037 --> 00:12:56,108
Not pushy specifically,
unless there's a specific day
291
00:12:56,642 --> 00:12:57,777
that you really would.
292
00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:00,746
You know, my sister's
coming into town with her kids.
293
00:13:00,746 --> 00:13:01,847
Her grandkids, you know.
294
00:13:01,847 --> 00:13:04,150
Would it be okay
if that day they came over?
295
00:13:04,150 --> 00:13:06,886
Always ask it as a
would it be okay?
296
00:13:06,886 --> 00:13:11,624
Make it open ended, but keep
your emotional reactivity down.
297
00:13:11,690 --> 00:13:13,459
As I said,
I don't care what it takes.
298
00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:15,027
If you have to act, pretend
299
00:13:16,061 --> 00:13:19,064
vent with your
friends before you come over.
300
00:13:19,331 --> 00:13:22,802
And like I said, you want to
offer open ended request
301
00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:26,605
so that you do not sound
controlling or demanding
302
00:13:26,605 --> 00:13:28,307
because controlling
and demanding
303
00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:31,310
will trigger a daughter-in-law
like this.
304
00:13:31,343 --> 00:13:34,680
If you sense things are getting
bad and increased in intensity,
305
00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:36,615
you might want to just back off
for a little while.
306
00:13:36,615 --> 00:13:39,185
You know,
maybe not call for a while.
307
00:13:39,185 --> 00:13:40,252
Maybe, you know,
308
00:13:40,252 --> 00:13:41,320
and you really want to kind of
309
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:45,491
let her set the pace
of the relationship and not
310
00:13:46,091 --> 00:13:49,862
you be the one that's trying
to force everything
311
00:13:49,895 --> 00:13:51,030
to be a certain way.
312
00:13:51,030 --> 00:13:53,699
Like, oh, we have to go to lunch
together once a week.
313
00:13:53,699 --> 00:13:56,068
That's what mother-in-law's
and daughter-in-laws do.
314
00:13:56,068 --> 00:13:58,237
You might
want to let her set the pace.
315
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:02,241
You deal with your child
316
00:14:02,241 --> 00:14:04,376
with requests if possible,
317
00:14:04,376 --> 00:14:07,179
unless your daughter-in-law gets
318
00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:10,216
upset over that and feels like
you're doing it behind her back.
319
00:14:10,349 --> 00:14:13,385
But if possible, do it
with both of them.
320
00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:15,988
Like maybe you could text
both of them.
321
00:14:15,988 --> 00:14:17,489
Can we have the kids
322
00:14:17,489 --> 00:14:20,860
come over, or can you all
come over this weekend anytime?
323
00:14:21,260 --> 00:14:24,897
Because Aunt Joe's
coming into town and so
324
00:14:24,930 --> 00:14:26,198
text them both.
325
00:14:26,198 --> 00:14:30,169
If your son asks you
not to text her,
326
00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:33,372
then go along with what
your son asks you.
327
00:14:33,439 --> 00:14:37,142
If she asks you only to text her
and not involved him,
328
00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:38,878
you got to go along with that.
329
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:42,615
Unless you bring it up
and you talk about it
330
00:14:42,615 --> 00:14:45,651
and you say,
this is why this bothers me.
331
00:14:45,784 --> 00:14:48,320
Why is this a problem?
Let's talk.
332
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,823
Now, that is the other thing.
333
00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:52,625
Before you say anything,
334
00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:55,461
have any confrontation,
bring any conflict,
335
00:14:55,461 --> 00:14:58,597
any concern to light,
try to defend yourself.
336
00:14:58,697 --> 00:15:00,099
Explain anything.
337
00:15:00,099 --> 00:15:01,700
Think it through.
338
00:15:01,700 --> 00:15:02,735
Count the cost.
339
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:05,504
What are the repercussions
of doing that?
340
00:15:05,504 --> 00:15:08,107
Of not doing that?
Will you be super resentful?
341
00:15:08,107 --> 00:15:09,942
Will it be unresolved?
342
00:15:09,942 --> 00:15:13,279
Or will it blow up
and become an even bigger issue?
343
00:15:13,345 --> 00:15:14,280
You've got to think of her
344
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:15,047
problem solving
345
00:15:15,047 --> 00:15:16,849
skills, of the way
346
00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:18,284
that she's
responded in the past,
347
00:15:18,284 --> 00:15:20,686
and you got to weigh
it and make a wise decision.
348
00:15:20,686 --> 00:15:23,889
Don't go in to confront
349
00:15:23,889 --> 00:15:26,892
and talk about anything
without first doing that.
350
00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:29,495
You want to keep your life
full of things you love.
351
00:15:29,495 --> 00:15:32,765
Do not make your relationship
with your son,
352
00:15:32,798 --> 00:15:34,967
your daughter-in-law,
and your grandkids
353
00:15:34,967 --> 00:15:36,702
the center of your life.
354
00:15:36,702 --> 00:15:40,306
All of us have to understand
that empty nest is empty nest.
355
00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:44,910
That means not
what is our expectations, is it?
356
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,245
Oh, my kids are going to leave.
357
00:15:46,245 --> 00:15:48,080
And then my whole life
is going to be full
358
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,950
with my adult children
and grandchildren.
359
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:51,984
Is that your expectation?
360
00:15:51,984 --> 00:15:54,019
Because that might not be
what's going to happen.
361
00:15:54,019 --> 00:15:56,689
And if that's the case,
you've got to have a full life
362
00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:58,857
you love,
whether it's traveling,
363
00:15:58,857 --> 00:16:02,594
whether it's a new interest,
vocation, passion,
364
00:16:02,594 --> 00:16:04,163
volunteer thing, whatever.
365
00:16:04,163 --> 00:16:06,832
That is just fun, I don't know,
366
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:08,734
do it.
367
00:16:08,734 --> 00:16:11,136
Get a life, get a life for you.
368
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:12,738
The next one is
369
00:16:12,738 --> 00:16:13,672
you're going to have to have
370
00:16:13,672 --> 00:16:15,341
some things
that you don't tolerate.
371
00:16:15,341 --> 00:16:19,211
You're not going to tolerate
pure disrespect or abuse
372
00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:22,881
or things that are just
completely over the line.
373
00:16:22,881 --> 00:16:25,217
I'm not saying to
tolerate everything.
374
00:16:25,217 --> 00:16:25,818
I'm not saying
375
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:28,821
that you have to put up
with anything and everything.
376
00:16:28,854 --> 00:16:30,456
You got to work through
grieving,
377
00:16:30,456 --> 00:16:31,857
loss of the hopes and dreams.
378
00:16:31,857 --> 00:16:32,157
I mean,
379
00:16:32,157 --> 00:16:35,294
anything that we hope for
that doesn't happen is a loss.
380
00:16:35,594 --> 00:16:38,597
And we have to go through
denial,
381
00:16:39,231 --> 00:16:41,066
anger, bargaining.
382
00:16:41,066 --> 00:16:42,134
Well, if only I do this,
383
00:16:42,134 --> 00:16:44,069
maybe this will work out
if we're going to do this.
384
00:16:44,069 --> 00:16:47,539
Maybe that sadness,
which is the feeling,
385
00:16:47,539 --> 00:16:49,108
the loss and understanding
386
00:16:49,108 --> 00:16:51,744
the significance of that,
and then finally acceptance
387
00:16:51,744 --> 00:16:54,680
when you get to
where you accept the situation.
388
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,148
This is who your son married.
389
00:16:56,148 --> 00:16:57,416
Until he deals with this
390
00:16:57,416 --> 00:17:00,452
in his marriage first,
he will not be able to deal
391
00:17:00,452 --> 00:17:03,455
with this with us
and stand up for us.
392
00:17:03,956 --> 00:17:06,492
So accept that loss.
393
00:17:06,492 --> 00:17:08,394
Go into expectancy.
394
00:17:08,394 --> 00:17:09,862
And now what?
395
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:12,531
Acceptance
says this is what it is.
396
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:13,499
Now what?
397
00:17:13,499 --> 00:17:15,200
What can I do with this?
398
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,403
How do I best handle this?
399
00:17:17,403 --> 00:17:21,573
How do I deal with this
now that this is my reality?
400
00:17:21,573 --> 00:17:22,941
That's how you do that.
401
00:17:24,109 --> 00:17:25,177
You also
402
00:17:25,177 --> 00:17:29,782
want to
decide what is my primary goal.
403
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:32,451
If your primary goal
is not to be at this point,
404
00:17:32,451 --> 00:17:34,586
given the situation,
not to be super close
405
00:17:34,586 --> 00:17:38,190
to your daughter-in-law,
but maintain a good relationship
406
00:17:38,190 --> 00:17:41,360
with her and your son to where
you can see your grandkids.
407
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:43,896
Make your choices based on that.
408
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:46,632
Make your choices
of how much you confront.
409
00:17:46,632 --> 00:17:48,067
And if you know that
410
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:50,335
that relationship with her
is never going to be good
411
00:17:50,335 --> 00:17:52,704
because she's not
going to be close to you.
412
00:17:52,704 --> 00:17:55,774
She's not going to be anything
but sensitive,
413
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:59,178
then you can be cordial
and be nice and be friendly,
414
00:17:59,178 --> 00:18:00,279
but keep maintain
415
00:18:00,279 --> 00:18:02,381
just enough of that relationship
where you can.
416
00:18:02,381 --> 00:18:04,016
Still,
she's comfortable with you
417
00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:05,651
having your own kids
in your life,
418
00:18:05,651 --> 00:18:08,353
you got to figure it out.
What is your primary goal?
419
00:18:08,353 --> 00:18:12,191
And based on that, that's
what is going to guide you
420
00:18:12,257 --> 00:18:13,625
to what
you're going to bring up,
421
00:18:13,625 --> 00:18:16,995
what type of conflict
resolution
422
00:18:16,995 --> 00:18:18,397
you're going to have
in the relationship,
423
00:18:18,397 --> 00:18:20,866
how much you're going
to overlook all of that.
424
00:18:20,866 --> 00:18:24,837
And then the next one
is to set boundaries
425
00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:26,371
for what you will
and will not do.
426
00:18:26,371 --> 00:18:27,940
You know,
there might be some things
427
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,942
that you're
just not going to do.
428
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,343
I know one
429
00:18:31,343 --> 00:18:33,745
mom who had a really difficult
one woman
430
00:18:33,745 --> 00:18:35,981
who had a really difficult
daughter-in-law,
431
00:18:35,981 --> 00:18:38,984
and she had just
literally been there.
432
00:18:38,984 --> 00:18:40,452
No matter what happened.
433
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,821
She was
she would wipe her calendar
434
00:18:42,821 --> 00:18:45,691
clean last minute, babysit
those kids.
435
00:18:45,691 --> 00:18:48,694
She would just
put everything aside.
436
00:18:48,894 --> 00:18:52,397
And she realized that she was
starting to get resentful
437
00:18:52,431 --> 00:18:53,432
because she would do that.
438
00:18:53,432 --> 00:18:54,733
And then something would happen
439
00:18:54,733 --> 00:18:56,602
and the kids would be
pulled away from a while
440
00:18:56,602 --> 00:18:58,103
and she wouldn't
get to see them.
441
00:18:58,103 --> 00:19:00,139
So she had to learn that, hey,
442
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:02,274
you know, I'm
going to act respectfully.
443
00:19:02,274 --> 00:19:04,510
I'm going to one thing
I'm going to do
444
00:19:04,510 --> 00:19:04,977
is I'm
445
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:08,881
not going to clear my calendar
if I've already got something,
446
00:19:08,947 --> 00:19:10,182
even though I desperately want
447
00:19:10,182 --> 00:19:12,217
to see those kids,
I'm going to say, I'm sorry.
448
00:19:12,217 --> 00:19:15,621
I can't watch them
because I've already got plans.
449
00:19:15,721 --> 00:19:18,023
So she at least decided that
rather than
450
00:19:18,023 --> 00:19:20,559
having this big confrontation
here, see?
451
00:19:20,559 --> 00:19:21,693
Note this,
452
00:19:21,693 --> 00:19:22,094
instead of
453
00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:23,762
saying
you always call me last minute
454
00:19:23,762 --> 00:19:24,363
and I always
455
00:19:24,363 --> 00:19:25,898
put all my plans aside
456
00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:28,200
and I'm not
going to do that anymore
457
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,735
because you don't give me enough
notice.
458
00:19:29,735 --> 00:19:31,203
You can imagine how that's going
459
00:19:31,203 --> 00:19:32,938
to blow up with this kind
of daughter-in-law.
460
00:19:32,938 --> 00:19:35,374
So this woman knew
better than to bring that up.
461
00:19:35,374 --> 00:19:38,377
But for herself,
she made the decision, I'm
462
00:19:38,610 --> 00:19:39,878
not going to do that anymore.
463
00:19:39,878 --> 00:19:44,116
I'm just going to very nicely
say, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
464
00:19:44,149 --> 00:19:46,552
I would love to see them,
but I've already got plans.
465
00:19:46,552 --> 00:19:48,754
So that's
putting that message out.
466
00:19:48,754 --> 00:19:50,222
You're going to have to call me
ahead of time
467
00:19:50,222 --> 00:19:51,023
and give me notice,
468
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:55,027
because I might be busy
and without stirring it up.
469
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:58,664
So that's how you use wisdom
and how you handle this.
470
00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:00,999
Now, the last one is
471
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:05,170
very important
and that is compassion.
472
00:20:05,938 --> 00:20:07,039
Always.
473
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,040
Having compassion
474
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:11,043
will help us in dealing
with difficult people.
475
00:20:11,476 --> 00:20:14,880
Your daughter-in-law,
in order to be like
476
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:18,784
this, to be
this person is struggling.
477
00:20:18,817 --> 00:20:21,720
Believe it or not, you may not
believe it, but she is.
478
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:24,223
Anytime
anybody has this jealousy
479
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:27,226
and this competition
and this insecurity
480
00:20:27,259 --> 00:20:31,797
and this possessiveness, there's
stuff churning inside of her.
481
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:35,267
It is not a fun way to be.
482
00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:38,670
It is an emotional struggle.
483
00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:39,838
She's struggling.
484
00:20:39,838 --> 00:20:42,841
Have compassion. Don't hate her.
485
00:20:42,874 --> 00:20:46,111
Don't have building up
all this resentment toward her.
486
00:20:46,144 --> 00:20:49,514
Understand that there's
something going on inside of her
487
00:20:50,015 --> 00:20:52,818
that is causing her
to be this way,
488
00:20:52,818 --> 00:20:57,322
and that it is most likely
from brokenness, from pain.
489
00:20:57,556 --> 00:20:58,624
In the past.
490
00:20:58,624 --> 00:21:00,292
It may be in her childhood,
491
00:21:00,292 --> 00:21:03,228
maybe just in her emotional
makeup.
492
00:21:03,228 --> 00:21:04,930
Things that have happened
to her.
493
00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:08,133
Have compassion
and pray for her.
494
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:12,671
Pray for your son and pray
for this wisdom and discernment.
495
00:21:12,671 --> 00:21:15,073
Like I said, to figure out
how best to navigate
496
00:21:15,073 --> 00:21:18,610
this difficult relationship
because it will affect
497
00:21:18,710 --> 00:21:20,345
how close.
498
00:21:20,345 --> 00:21:22,481
I shouldn't say close
because you can't guarantee
499
00:21:22,481 --> 00:21:23,015
it'll be a close
500
00:21:23,015 --> 00:21:26,752
relationship with your son, but
how much they're in your life.
501
00:21:26,785 --> 00:21:28,353
And if your goal is to
502
00:21:28,353 --> 00:21:30,722
have them in your life
as much as possible,
503
00:21:30,722 --> 00:21:33,692
given the circumstance,
then choose wisely.
504
00:21:33,825 --> 00:21:37,562
Thank you for watching this
video on Change My Relationship.
505
00:21:37,562 --> 00:21:40,399
And if you really heard
a lot of things in this
506
00:21:40,399 --> 00:21:41,900
that made you feel like,
oh my gosh,
507
00:21:41,900 --> 00:21:43,835
I need to work on that,
need to work on that.
508
00:21:43,835 --> 00:21:47,906
Every one of my videos,
my books, and my studies
509
00:21:47,906 --> 00:21:52,144
that talk about difficult
relationships you can learn from
510
00:21:52,210 --> 00:21:56,148
because they're all things
that teach people to deal with
511
00:21:56,148 --> 00:21:59,384
difficult people
and difficult relationships.
512
00:21:59,518 --> 00:22:01,953
So you've got plenty
more to watch.
513
00:22:01,953 --> 00:22:05,590
Not just this one, because it's
the only one that is labeled
514
00:22:05,857 --> 00:22:08,493
daughter-in-law.
Okay. All right. Thank you.
515
00:22:09,628 --> 00:22:12,631
Thank you for listening
to Change My Relationship.
516
00:22:12,731 --> 00:22:15,133
We hope you will subscribe
to these podcasts
517
00:22:15,133 --> 00:22:16,702
and share them
with your friends.
518
00:22:16,702 --> 00:22:18,937
Karla
would love to hear from you.
519
00:22:18,937 --> 00:22:19,571
She welcomes
520
00:22:19,571 --> 00:22:22,774
ideas for a future podcast,
as well as your feedback
521
00:22:22,974 --> 00:22:26,144
on how the podcasts have helped
your life and relationships.
522
00:22:26,712 --> 00:22:27,946
You can email her at.
523
00:22:27,946 --> 00:22:30,949
karla@changemyrelationship.com
524
00:22:31,717 --> 00:22:34,152
For more information
on Change My Relationship
525
00:22:34,152 --> 00:22:35,854
and Karla Downing's ministry,
526
00:22:35,854 --> 00:22:39,791
including her books,
studies, devotionals, podcasts
527
00:22:40,058 --> 00:22:44,629
and YouTube videos
visit changemyrelationship.com.
