WEBVTT
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Breakups, friendship breakups, you get fired from a job.
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You're probably sitting here reflecting on your own experiences and thinking, oh, that's what that was.
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Hello and welcome back to Carful Confessions.
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I am Kelly Marie and I'm Kate Shaw.
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And it has been a very long time since we've seen each other.
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Yes.
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I just got back from being gone for over a week and it was really nice, except for this morning.
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I'm just like dragging.
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Oh yeah.
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I have the Sunday scaries were probably very real.
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Yeah, well, what's funny is I actually took off Monday as well because I knew I was gonna make Sunday scary so bad.
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No, that's really, really smart to uh you know build that into your time off because you do need that what you need that time to reacclimate back to your normal life.
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So I ended up coming back and everybody was sick.
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I don't know, anybody that has kids knows that like on vacation, it's like you just open yourself up to the gauntlet of of all the germs and things, you know, that are out there that maybe you don't encounter normally.
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So everybody gets exactly so yeah.
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I mean, but we had a great time.
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It was it was really nice to get away.
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Good, yeah, you definitely needed that.
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Everybody needs that time away.
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So what are we talking about today?
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Um, well, I think a big thing that's come up lately is abandonment.
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Yes, and I think underneath a lot of these um adaptations like anxiety, people pleasing, it can really stem from an abandonment wound.
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You know, we you know, people please because we don't want to lose people sometimes, and uh yeah, that can be a real challenge.
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And abandonment is definitely a big theme in my life.
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I feel like not only have I had my parents abandon me, but I feel like I have been abandoned by you know systemically as well, you know, our justice system and and things like that in my life, and other people and relationships in general.
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Oh yeah, that is super huge for me.
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Um I think that is the motivator behind a lot of my reactions and triggers is I'm scared to be abandoned ultimately.
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Yeah.
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Well, I think that that's akin to the I know I've talked about the recruit of rejection a lot.
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Yeah.
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It's very they're very intertwined.
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Yes.
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Yes, they are, and neither one feels good, and we find ourselves creating these behaviors in ourselves to unintentionally help prevent those type of things.
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Absolutely.
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And I think my first experience with abandonment would have happened.
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I mean, obviously, my father abandoned his role as a father, so I experienced that form of abandonment very early on.
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Um, but physically, I would say when my parents were separating, and then my mom got married and didn't even tell us children, and we showed up at her wedding, that was a real kick to my chest.
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Yeah, I just remember feeling very, I think, almost betrayed.
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Um and you know, we're you're going through this divorce with my dad, you pretty much walk out of our lives, and then you're you're getting married and you don't tell us children.
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And I just remember being very devastated by that.
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Like instantly when I pulled up and my mom came to the car and she had her wedding dress on.
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I was just hysterical.
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Yeah, that's a lot for a little kid.
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It is a lot.
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I you know was 10, 11 years old when that happened.
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I know it happened shortly before we were in in foster care.
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And then while we were in foster care, my dad did the same thing and got met this woman and got married, and I really felt abandoned and betrayed.
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You know, we're we're in foster care.
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Our parents lost custody of us, and here they are like moving off to these new relationships.
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Well, not only that, but your other family didn't, you know, wasn't there.
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You mentioned on another episode that you felt like they didn't try to get you or you know, anything.
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Yeah, I felt very abandoned by my family.
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I think those feelings kind of came later in my adult life too.
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Just like, where is my family?
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Why do they not want us?
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Why aren't they here helping us?
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Why don't we see them?
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And um, you know, at that time I had no idea that they they did try to get us.
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They, you know, I had family on both sides, my mom's side and my father's side.
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And they were trying to obtain custody of us, but you know, I was never told that until a couple years ago.
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Um, my mom's sister, she actually went on to become a social worker because of what happened to us kids.
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So it had definitely had this ripple effect in everybody's lives.
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It does.
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And it it even if it happens in your childhood, it just continues to echo through into adulthood.
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Yeah, and then I remember, you know, being a teenager and being that young and having such big feelings, and of course, the friends and stuff that that I had at that age, um, they really couldn't process or understand what I was going through.
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I mean, heck, I didn't even understand.
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But I remember one of my friends, um, she started dating a boy, and this is when, you know, we're at the age, we're already starting to date and that kind of thing.
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And I kind of felt like he became more important.
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We weren't hanging out as much anymore, and it really triggered it really triggered my abandonment wound that I had, and it affected our friendship, and I mean, we're not friends to this day.
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Okay, that that's a big thing I want to point out because it's like this happens, I feel like, way more than anybody realizes, but when people's phases of life change, you know, there's a connection point that sort of gets misplaced or or lost.
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I don't know what I want to call it lost, but I mean it's even like for example, like a lot of my friends, they're they have grandkids now, so like their priorities have shifted where maybe you know they had an empty nest before and they had all kinds of time, but now it's like they're shifting to because they have grandkids and they're you know doing grandparents' things, and I'm in a totally different phase of life where I'm now like getting into the age where I have kids that are becoming more independent, teenagers, yeah.
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Exactly.
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And so yeah, it definitely does.
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If you have an abandonment wound, those type of changes and season changes can definitely seem scarier.
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Oh, absolutely.
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And again, at that age, we didn't have the language back then.
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You know, you didn't hear people talking about abandonment wounds, and so being that young, it just I had such big feelings.
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Yeah, and um, yeah, it definitely caused us to not be friends anymore.
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I don't remember anything like a specific fight or anything, it was just like this weird tension, and um I don't know, I was probably like moody because I can get really moody when I don't understand what I'm feeling.
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We all can extend I feel like I experience it a little bit more.
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Yeah, it's definitely like living with CPTSD is is definitely a challenge.
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I have a lot of triggers, and I I mean to say I don't always understand what is necessarily triggering the feelings that I'm having.
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So every day is kind of a new day for me.
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Um I actually my abandonment wound was triggered the other day, and I just kind of had to like sit with myself and talk myself like this is not what's happening, you're not being abandoned.
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And it sounds it sounds stupid.
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Oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm even gonna say this.
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But it was it was work-related, nothing bad, nobody did anything bad.
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It was just, you know, everybody else was getting to take part in this training, and I wasn't.
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And it made me like it just triggered my wounds.
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It it's just a very real, real thing, and I'm just like, oh, I don't know.
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So I just had to talk myself off the ledge.
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Yes.
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And then you learn later that I get to do the training, your team just has to do it later because I was gone.
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And I only can do 10 at a time.
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Yeah, like I said, it's but that's how the power wounds show up.
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It's it doesn't mean it's real, yeah, but it feels real in that moment.
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Yeah, it feels and I've dealt with a lot of you know, it goes into feeling lonely and like you're like this social pariah that and that nobody wants to be around.
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So for me, I deal with that a lot.
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I have to do a lot of self-talk when I'm feeling that way, and uh, it's just challenging, and it, but it's the reality of what I've been through.
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And I know many others who probably you're probably sitting here reflecting on your own experiences and thinking, oh, that's what that was.
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It's this feeling of abandonment, yeah.
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And again, it could show up in really big dramatic ways that are obvious, like somebody left your life, or it can show up like not being included on a a work team building thing.
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I think that more of us have experienced that and maybe are completely unaware.
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Yeah, you know what I'm saying?
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Because look at the divorce rate in the United States.
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I mean, so many children have been through a divorce of their parents.
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Um, that's one very strong, you know, situation that can lead to feelings of abandonment, whether you know it or not.
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Yeah, whether your parents are there, you know, or really active in your life or not, it's still a major, major shift.
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And um, you know, breaking up breakups from somebody that you love or care about, friendship breakups.
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I've had a lot of those.
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You get fired from a job that you like, but you didn't want to be fired or let go from a job, you know, all of those things can absolutely be sowing these seeds into your identity that then you continue to you don't realize it, but they start appearing in your life elsewhere.
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Absolutely.
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What do you do, Kelly, when you start feeling that way?
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What do you feel through it?
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I've gotten really good at my my self-talk when I'm experiencing really big feelings.
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It's kind of like just like this spiral that goes on in my head, and I feel things very viscerally.
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Um so I really just have to talk to myself and be kind to myself and say, hey, that's not what's happening.
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You know, you're not being abandoned.
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Um this is just an abandonment wound.
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And then usually I like to look up material specific to what I'm feeling and just kind of learn the science behind behind it.
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So that really helps me.
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Yeah.
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Um when my mind, it kind of just depends where my mind is.
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If my mind is really wandering and like really spiraling, it's really hard for me to like ask for God's help because that's kind of like a new practice that I'm really integrating into my life is you know, talking to God about these different things.
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Um, but when it's not so bad, I'm able to do that, and that helps a lot.
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I think I remember like when we were starting this podcast, I had a lot of fear and anxiety, and I remember just talking to God about it, and I like literally almost instantly felt better.
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Yeah.
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And that is, I mean, that's a practice that you have to learn to do.
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That's not your default, obviously.
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Right.
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You know, as people, our default is to just ruminate on those thoughts.
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Yep.
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Big ruminator.
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We come back to this take every thought captive so often because if you've not learned it from listening to all of our podcast episodes yet, the mind is an incredibly powerful thing.
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Oh my gosh.
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It's shaping your reality.
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In fact, pretty much your entire reality is shaped by your mind.
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No, it is.
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It very much is all of these different things, you know, the environments that we live in, the relationships that we have, you know, our sense of safety and autonomy, they all affect your worldview and your mindset.
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Your mindset has very little to do with choosing to have better thoughts.
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It is very little of that.
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It it's it's all about relation, really.
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You know, your relation to safety and autonomy, your relation to um community, all these different things play a big part in our mental wellness.
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So it's all intraconnected.
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It's so true.
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And I know you've talked a lot before about um community and and the importance of community.
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And how do you feel like your change in network and community has affected your fear of abandonment?
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Um, I actually feel a lot more secure.
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Um I don't like with you, I I've thought about this a lot.
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Like, I don't worry about you abandoning me or like there's something really bad gonna happen and we're gonna be on the outs with each other.
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Like I feel like I don't know, it's just healthy and secure.
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I think being able to have relationships with people where we can have tough conversations, and I think a big thing for me also is you know, when you've gone through a lot of trauma like I have, not everybody is gonna be able to receive you because the things I have been through and that I talk about, they can really alter or it makes somebody's world, it can make their world view uncomfortable.
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Like your experience that just rattles what they what they perceive the world to be, like what makes it, yeah, it's uncomfortable.
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And so finding people who can attune to my lived experience has been all of the difference, you know.
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Again, nobody like you or anybody else that were normally around, they don't try to alter what happened to me, like, oh, you have to look for a silver lining.
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That's not the immediate, you know, reframe.
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It's being able to have the space to talk about these things, and then you guys just accept that's what it was, and then want to help me build a path forward so I'm not remaining stuck in it.
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Does that make sense?
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Yeah, absolutely.
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I also want to point out that I think who you're around matters so much.
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It does.
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One thing I would say about the group that you're around now is that we fundamentally understand the con the human condition.
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So, what I mean by that is if you're able to see sin for what it is, and if you're able to understand that this world is broken and that we are all just doing our best to get through this life that is inevitably going to involve attacks by the enemy.
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There's like this whole spiritual battle happening, you know, in all of our lives.
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I think if you have a group of people that understand that and also understand and want to like advocate for you to get out of that, yeah.
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We all have this, you know, power in prayer and power in in our relationship with God that helps us to lift each other up in these struggles.
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Like, I think that that makes so much of a difference because we're not blaming you, we're not blaming others, we're not, we're looking more at it for what it is, which is this is this is a battle that we're all in, yeah.
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In the middle of.
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Agreed.
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And yeah, it's it's very temporary, and I think that we all can, you know, if you if if you have a more of a eternal eternity mindset versus a this world is all there is kind of mindset, you know what I'm saying?
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It it very much alters how you receive, and yeah, I want to highlight that that doesn't automatically happen with your thought pattern, like that's a really big misconception when it comes to like mainstream psychology.
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We see all of these like motivational influencers who are like, it starts with your mind, and you just got things like our thoughts.
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It's not it's not true.
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No, it's it's really relational, you know, being able to create environments where you you're you feel safe, you have a sense of safety, you have a sense of agency.
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Again, the relate the people that you're around.
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I I could talk about that all day because man, it's just so true, and especially for my life, like the people that I have once been attached to, they just weren't the best people.
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It doesn't mean that maybe they're a bad person, but they may not have been the best person to connect with with the with the circumstances that I'm carrying because they can't make capacity for that, and that doesn't make somebody a bad person, it's just no, you know, we all have different levels of tolerance that we can take, and sometimes, you know, somebody like me is a lot because you know, I do struggle.
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I mean, I think we could be honest that there's you know, okay, you've been worried about me the past couple weeks and stuff too.
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Because I just struggle sometimes.
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Yeah, I can definitely, but that's the thing is that you want people in your life that recognize that will be able to be like, okay, home girl's off, what's wrong?
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Like, yeah, like what do you got going on?
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Like, hey, let's not record this week because something's off.
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Yeah, yeah.
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Like that's just the reality of it, and that's okay.
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I mean, I on the whole relational thing too, I have been doing a lot of research because I have a neurodivergent child, you know, where he he's he's diagnosed with ADHD and OCD and has literally all the all the behaviors of an autistic child because he has a a brain condition um called a genesis of the corpus colossum.
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And he's an awesome kid, but uh I am definitely his person.
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Yeah.
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And so I have been doing a ton of research into like why does he always need to be like attached to me?
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Like why am like why do I have to hold his hand at night or why do I have to like he he's very much like has to have me with him, and and there's this like really interesting science behind the regulation of your nervous system by having a person in it.
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If you're a no-divergent individual, you likely have a safe person or a or a person or a couple people that are your safe person, and that person is who you want to be around to regulate, help self-regulate.
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Yes, yes, yes.
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You are so correct about the sorry, I'm excited.
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I there is a doctor that I follow, and he is the most trauma-informed person, and he very much understands um how we connect relationally and like how all these different things work together in tandem, and that is a huge thing, is when you've been through a lot of trauma, that's usually as a result of somebody else's hands, like other people and also the systems that are in place that we live in in society.
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It really takes it took you know, people doing bad things to you that just regulated you, but it's also gonna take safe people to regulate your system.
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Like we literally other people teach your nervous system what to feel safe, to feel like you belong somewhere.
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So the what the path to really healing and being you know interconnected in the world is community and having these different places in your life that are teaching your nervous system that hey I these people are safe you know and we just kind of you just kind of co-regulate each other so it's just so important to really find those kind of people that can do that for you and then you do the same for them.
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And it and it's not I just want to highlight too it's not just any community it is healthy community.
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Healthy yes yes key that is key that you want to be more like people that are exhibiting the positive behaviors that you want to be more like or you know because here's the thing is that having a toxic community can do just as much damage.
00:22:55.279 --> 00:23:30.480
Yeah and that's what happened to me experience in your life yeah I mean I think we all have to some extent absolutely but you have definitely experienced you know the the the black and white night and day difference between having a community that's not healthy versus because I think you're gonna you're gonna you having been through so much you're going to try to um you're gonna be drawn to s to certain people and you're gonna try to you know self-regulate based on those people and if they're not healthy people if they're not having your best interest in at heart like that that could be really bad for you.
00:23:30.799 --> 00:23:33.200
Yeah and that's what it was bad for me.
00:23:33.440 --> 00:23:54.640
So you know several years or not several I guess a couple years ago um I thought I found my community and these were people that were going to the bars several times a week and again that can all it can feel so good you know because everybody's like kind of like on this high because some people are actually high.
00:23:54.799 --> 00:24:35.759
It's like hey girl oh my gosh yeah yeah just that sort of thing can be it can make you feel like oh like they're so excited to see me but I was living in extreme anxiety like I from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed like my anxiety was so bad my hair was falling out I still have like I don't wear my hair back straight back because I'm regrowing these bald spots that I have on my head from my hair was just falling out in clumps because I was so stressed and had so much anxiety all of the time like my anxiety woke me up out of my sleep.
00:24:35.920 --> 00:24:58.799
Yeah I was that's horrible I've experienced that yeah it's debilitating I remember I actually went to I went on a trip to Texas for work and I would have to get up several hours earlier because I would have to get in the shower and lay down in the shower for hours until it felt like I could actually get ready and get dressed.
00:24:58.960 --> 00:25:04.160
It was I don't wish that kind of suffering on my worst enemy.
00:25:04.319 --> 00:25:11.359
I really don't I would never want anybody to feel what I felt a couple years ago ever.
00:25:13.839 --> 00:25:29.039
But and there's other reasons too but a lot of it has to do with the fact that I just wasn't around good people and so my nervous system could not find its way to regulation because I was not around regulated people at all by any means.
00:25:29.279 --> 00:25:38.400
So it was very harmful for you know my mind for me physically I ended up dropping down to under 90 pounds.
00:25:38.640 --> 00:26:03.920
My doctor was he was very like direct with me and was like you're gonna die if you don't we don't figure this out like he actually had to send me to the hospital and I remember having to sit my girls down and tell them like what was going on and that felt pretty awful my BMI was 16 which is fatal.
00:26:04.240 --> 00:26:56.960
So I'm really actually lucky to be alive and didn't kill myself because I did not weigh anything and it's because I was working four jobs like I was just on this complete go go go um I was not eating at all I mean well we and we had this discussion on the episode about my biological mom passing away from basically losing like dropping down to nothing and and you know me just being so perplexed it's like how do you how do you die from just you know not you know stress or what yeah but but obviously no it your body is like if you're under like intense stress like you're that's not good for your body in so many ways.
00:26:57.200 --> 00:27:13.119
Yeah what what's coming to mind is if you've seen the movie The Hunger Games and Katniss Everdeen being in that first hunger game and how she must have felt that's how I felt every day like I was literally being hunted for sport.
00:27:14.559 --> 00:27:45.200
Um yeah that's not a good feeling no it was not I've never felt so bad in my life and again it was a a compilation of things it was the people I was hanging around it was um you know I wasn't in therapy yet so I still had a lot of trauma I was also assaulted in 2020 and so it was just like like a series of unfortunate events.
00:27:45.359 --> 00:28:37.839
You know my mom died in 2018 at the end of 2018 so we went through a pandemic which was very scary and very isolating and a whole thing and um and then what most people don't know is Darius my husband was really really sick like we thought he was going to die and again I felt like I was going to be abandoned like what Darius was going through watching him drop all that weight it gets so skinny um I'm like here I go again like I just watched my mother go through this now I have to watch Darius go through this and let me tell you when I'm experiencing or think I'm experiencing abandonment I will run.
00:28:38.319 --> 00:28:55.599
So I wasn't the best of him because I'm thinking you know subconsciously he's going to leave me so before he has a chance to leave me I'm gonna leave him and a lot more people probably could identify that with that.
00:28:55.839 --> 00:29:08.480
Yeah yeah and so I do that a lot there have been several times in my life where I can kind of see where something's going and I'm not gonna give you the opportunity to do it.
00:29:08.559 --> 00:29:10.079
So I'm gonna I'm gonna do it.
00:29:10.160 --> 00:29:15.759
So there's been several times in my life where I've like I'm so serious about it.
00:29:15.839 --> 00:29:32.960
I leave the whole state I have left the whole state and gone on and tried to start over somewhere else because like that abandonment wound was being triggered and I did not have the space or the emotional capacity to handle that.
00:29:33.119 --> 00:29:36.799
Like I was you know in in survival mode.
00:29:36.960 --> 00:29:37.440
Right.
00:29:37.680 --> 00:30:15.920
So had the flight response had the flight response so I felt yeah and then when I was pregnant with Chloe I got fired from my job so it felt like a pretty big loser because I'm pregnant at 20 years old now I don't have a job um I haven't been dating the person very long at all like we weren't even really like at I love you yet and hearing I'm pregnant with my daughter and so I was like there's no way this person what is gonna wants to be with me.
00:30:16.000 --> 00:30:45.839
I'm I'm a loser that's how I felt so I ended up going back to Washington to live with my mom because my plan was I really wanted to be a nurse so I didn't have a job I was homeless pregnant and not been dating this person very long so I was like I'm gonna go back and live with my mom and have her support me while I go through nursing school so that's what happened.
00:30:46.000 --> 00:31:02.559
I ended up going back to Washington and I moved in with my mom and my sister and brother but I kid you not the very day I get there my mom's like awesome you're here now I'm gonna move out and leave you here and I'm gonna go move in with my boyfriend.
00:31:02.799 --> 00:31:09.359
So she just started dating this guy and he didn't want anything to do with her children.
00:31:09.680 --> 00:31:19.839
So then I showed up and my mom's like cool you're here to take care of your siblings so I'm going to move out and that is what happened.
00:31:20.079 --> 00:31:42.400
So my mother abandoned me again for another man and I'm left with my sister who is developmentally delayed and then my brother and they're both still in high school mind you like they're still in school and I'm pregnant and I have no friends up there.
00:31:42.720 --> 00:31:56.960
None and yeah that's when I really started having also suicidal ideation I I felt so alone when I was pregnant with Chloe.
00:31:57.599 --> 00:32:11.920
I stayed in Washington um until I was eight months pregnant with her I I did come back to Missouri but I was alone in Washington for several months like people didn't even know I was pregnant.
00:32:13.359 --> 00:32:14.079
Like nobody knew.
00:32:14.319 --> 00:32:16.079
So how did that go when you came back?
00:32:16.240 --> 00:32:33.680
I mean what happened with your siblings uh my mom had to find somebody else to take care of them to be honest yeah she found some random person willing to move in with them my brother his abandonment wound is probably way worse than mine.
00:32:35.039 --> 00:32:56.000
My brother has been like like his most of my trauma I would say comes from my dad whereas my brother would tell you most of his trauma comes from our mother because once we get into more of my story I end up with custody of both my siblings again at different points in my life and yeah it's just kind of crazy.
00:32:56.240 --> 00:32:57.119
That is crazy.
00:32:57.359 --> 00:33:03.359
But yeah that my mom like she always chose a man over over us children.
00:33:03.519 --> 00:33:09.359
So if she dated somebody and they didn't want kids or they didn't like us we were we were out of there.
00:33:09.519 --> 00:33:10.960
Can I just say something?
00:33:11.279 --> 00:33:56.880
Yeah if there are mothers that are listening to this podcast today I totally understand that you need love and you need you know if you're not if you're not married to someone you're like seeing other people I would just point out that you have to be so careful of the people you bring into your life around your children and just understand that these type of things like the feelings of abandonment are so real for kids and if you know if you're prioritizing another person outside of your children they don't necessarily understand what's happening there.
00:33:57.119 --> 00:33:57.440
Right.
00:33:57.599 --> 00:34:10.639
You know so just be extra thoughtful and sensitive to that with your own children because that can leave some really damaging wounds that affect people way later in life.
00:34:10.880 --> 00:34:22.800
Yeah and my brother I don't want to share too much of his stuff because he's a lot more private than I am but you know he's gonna struggle the rest of his life like I am because of these things.
00:34:23.119 --> 00:34:37.280
And so the abandonment wound for my brother is really deep and um there's been times he's really struggled and it it hurts me how much he struggles when he when he goes through that when that abandonment wound gets triggered.
00:34:37.360 --> 00:34:40.800
Like it's it's like really painful for me to witness.
00:34:41.119 --> 00:34:50.239
Well and even though your sister is developmentally delayed I'm sure it is absolutely affected her as well because it shows up way different for her.
00:34:50.559 --> 00:35:27.519
Way different oh it absolutely has my sister we could have like several podcast episodes about about that but also on the on what was happening with my mom like the reason she did that was because of her abandonment room too like she you know her mom wanted to abort her and wasn't really part of her life until she was older and my grandpa was not the greatest dad so we talked about that on the generational trauma trauma episode it's crazy how these cycles just they just repeat themselves repeating.
00:35:27.760 --> 00:35:33.360
Exactly so I think that's why I'm able I do forgive my mom.
00:35:33.440 --> 00:36:14.880
I may I'm at a place where I can forgive my mom but it doesn't take away what it has done to me and my siblings and you know the pain we still carry I have when it comes to my mom well really both my parents I have just had to accept that I have conflicting feelings about both of them and that can be really confusing for outside people you know so it's just hard but yeah she um she chose men over us and these men were abusive in in so many different ways so it's really sad.
00:36:15.039 --> 00:36:16.000
It is really sad.
00:36:16.320 --> 00:36:18.400
But that's a story for so many kids.
00:36:18.559 --> 00:36:57.519
It is it really is I know I know a lot of people that have been through that and I've had friends in my life that have also like they just serial date all these people and there's gotta be some internal thing that they're searching for that they you know that they're that they're lacking in their life that they feel like they need to be getting from from a partner and and what's sad is that they're like we talked about before like if you're seeking this co-regulation from the wrong people oh my gosh like it can be devastating.
00:36:57.760 --> 00:37:29.039
Yeah it is devastating and um some of the people that I used to be connected to are still making the same choices and it it makes me sad because I still love these people but because they're not in a a healing path I I have to keep distance between us to protect my own um you know sanity and my sense of safety and and and stuff like that.
00:37:29.360 --> 00:37:47.199
So that's another form of like my abandonment wound getting triggered because I do have love for a lot of these people still but I just know that I realistically can't have a healthy relationship with them so that's hard.
00:37:47.360 --> 00:37:58.960
It is hard and you mentioned on another note you mentioned being systemically abandoned.
00:37:59.280 --> 00:38:38.880
Yeah can you tell me a little bit more about that yeah so that would involve the justice system a lot of that and um when you're a sexual assault victim going through the justice system is about as traumatizing as the actual event if not more so I did go to court against my dad we haven't got to that part of my story yet but I did and when you're a kid it is drastically different than when you are an adult.
00:38:39.199 --> 00:38:55.760
As a kid you know you have you get like a child victim's advocate they're not a part of like these bigger conversations obviously because you're a kid and also like I didn't get to have decide on the direction of my case.
00:38:56.000 --> 00:39:23.519
So there ended up being like a plea deal and I would not have signed on for that had I been an adult um but I was also assaulted again as an adult woman and I have had two of those cases in the legal system and let me tell you a thing or two there is very little compassion very little support.
00:39:24.480 --> 00:39:36.320
I did not have people informing me of things and you just feel like nobody cares about the actual victim.
00:39:36.559 --> 00:39:43.039
Your case become becomes the state like the state has your case it belongs to them.
00:39:43.360 --> 00:39:56.079
And so they get to decide how they're gonna prosecute it and um you can be completely shunned out of that so that can leave you feeling abandoned.
00:39:56.320 --> 00:40:20.239
And honestly when it comes to sexual assault our legal system just hasn't caught up to the realities of what happens and when it comes to law the reason why you see a lot more civil suits when it comes to sexual assault is when it comes to criminal you have to be able to prove beyond a reasonable doubt.
00:40:20.480 --> 00:40:27.679
And most people who are assaulted they don't immediately go to the hospital and get checked out that's not reality.
00:40:27.840 --> 00:40:51.280
That's not what happens yeah after I was raped the most the latest one I went home and took a shower immediately and I've been through this a hundred times it feels like you know I immediately like I was just like my like I wasn't even a part of my body I just got home and like got in the shower and there goes all the evidence.
00:40:51.440 --> 00:40:55.280
Yeah so yeah because you just feel like you need to just get it off of you.
00:40:55.440 --> 00:41:04.320
Well and then when you when a woman is assaulted a lot of times you feel like you did something or you made a stupid choice.
00:41:05.119 --> 00:41:13.519
So for me I know the the most the latest one I definitely felt like that because I chose to hang around terrible people.
00:41:13.679 --> 00:41:21.599
So I brought this on myself and so you can feel very lonely and abandoned in those situations.
00:41:22.159 --> 00:41:29.599
Yeah I would never have like put my finger on that but now that you explain it that way yeah I could see it.
00:41:29.840 --> 00:42:08.800
Yeah for sure and and then you feel abandoned by the system because it just nobody's backing you up it's like you it's like your word against someone else's and yeah yeah and that's you know that's not how the law works they that's not gonna you're not gonna win your case as a victim even if it's the most true because you know these backdoor deals get made um there's all these different loopholes that people can do a prosecutor could come in and say like we're not good this evidence is not going to be admissible in court and so it can be really devastating to to go to court.
00:42:09.679 --> 00:42:15.519
I think that that's really it is pretty on point with abandonment because that's what you're doing.
00:42:15.599 --> 00:42:17.920
Like they're the system is abandoning victims.
00:42:18.239 --> 00:42:20.079
Yeah yeah that's what's happening.
00:42:20.320 --> 00:42:23.199
No wonder you couldn't regulate your nervous system.
00:42:23.440 --> 00:43:14.800
No there was no way there was no way in the environment I was in and then after after I lost everybody and I had nobody like this was before we really like reconnected um I was going to therapy which was helping like I was starting to get back to some sense of a baseline but really you coming into my life has really been able to like thrust me forward because again you helped co-regulate my nervous system you know uh and it feels very secure like I don't think you're gonna leave me like I don't worry about that I don't worry that one day you're gonna get mad at me for something and not talk to me and we then we just don't talk to each other anymore.
00:43:15.280 --> 00:43:24.159
Again abandonment like I've just had so many people that I've cared about just like up and leave me and sometimes there's no rhyme or reason.
00:43:24.320 --> 00:43:27.119
I don't know they're just like they're just like done with me.
00:43:27.760 --> 00:43:56.880
Well and I think to tie it into the faith conversation as we always do yeah you know that's the one thing that came to mind as we as we were talking about this topic this morning is that I think it's in Deuteronomy I'll have to put the scripture up on the screen because I'm driving and I don't have it but it the one this basically I'm paraphrasing here but you know God will never never leave you or forsake you.
00:43:57.119 --> 00:43:57.519
Right.
00:43:57.679 --> 00:44:07.119
You know and I think that's The one scripture that kept coming to my mind is like, you know, people will fail you again and again and again.
00:44:07.440 --> 00:44:15.440
But having that foundation in a God that never leaves you.
00:44:15.599 --> 00:44:17.760
Now sometimes he might feel far from you.
00:44:17.920 --> 00:44:18.559
Yeah.
00:44:18.880 --> 00:44:21.119
But he's he's there.
00:44:21.679 --> 00:44:25.280
And you know, that gives me great comfort to know.
00:44:25.440 --> 00:44:38.880
And I hopefully, as you grow in your faith as well, you will start to, you know, realize that a lot of that security and stability that you are feeling now comes from, whether you know it or not, your relationship with God.
00:44:39.119 --> 00:44:40.159
No, I believe that.
00:44:40.400 --> 00:44:49.119
And and the people around you having you know that similar belief system makes ever every bit of the difference.
00:44:49.360 --> 00:44:50.239
It really does.
00:44:50.480 --> 00:45:09.599
Well, and also that's I think that's what's really great about going to church for me too, is it is consistent, it is stable, it is a good environment for my nervous system to recognize a sense of safety and belonging.
00:45:09.840 --> 00:45:15.760
And so there's just all these really good things that have happened since I've started going back to church.
00:45:15.840 --> 00:45:23.599
And it and it helps with the abandonment room because I go in every week and I see pretty much the same people.
00:45:23.760 --> 00:45:36.239
You know, there's like a consistency of people that I see, and that's very stabilizing for my nervous system, especially when I've not had people consistently in my life, you know.
00:45:36.480 --> 00:45:43.760
Like even, you know, your mom and your your dad, they were there for like a chapter.
00:45:43.920 --> 00:45:53.039
Now it's obviously we're reconnected and it I don't see that changing, but you know, it's like I've just had people in chapters.
00:45:53.199 --> 00:45:56.480
There's not been a whole lot of consistency in my life.
00:45:56.639 --> 00:46:03.199
The only per long-term person that I've had in my life is Brett, my friend Brett.
00:46:03.920 --> 00:46:06.239
And she's been through all phases with me.
00:46:06.400 --> 00:46:08.239
So well and Darius, too.
00:46:08.400 --> 00:46:09.840
Yeah, and Darius, yeah.
00:46:10.000 --> 00:46:11.679
I mean, how long have you guys been together?
00:46:12.000 --> 00:46:13.039
Over 17 years.
00:46:13.280 --> 00:46:14.239
I was gonna say.
00:46:14.639 --> 00:46:36.719
But it you know, that's could be another episode too, but um it's really hard for me to let Darius be there for me, and I'm a lot better at it now, but like romantic relationships are just hard because it feels so similar to the abuse I went through.
00:46:36.960 --> 00:46:40.079
So I try to run from that man so many times.
00:46:40.320 --> 00:46:56.159
He is a saint to put up with me, but I think I was thinking about this the other day, I just really think he has always understood my trauma and for the most part, and um like why I am the way that I am essentially.
00:46:56.239 --> 00:46:58.159
Like he just gets that about me.
00:46:58.480 --> 00:47:12.639
Well, and I think that's a similarity that he has with me, too, is that I was a part of your life at the age where you were going through so much of it that I think in Brett as well.
00:47:12.719 --> 00:47:13.599
Yeah, you know what I mean?
00:47:13.679 --> 00:47:29.039
All of those consistent people at this point in your life all have a first point experience of you know, yeah, those type of things and have been around for you know, have seen it from then and see it now, you know what I mean?
00:47:29.119 --> 00:47:39.199
And I think that that makes a difference and it creates a compassion and understanding for your situation because you know that's ultimately what you need really, yeah.
00:47:39.440 --> 00:47:44.079
Because it's hard for people to imagine and understand situations like yours.
00:47:44.320 --> 00:47:45.280
Yeah, I know it is.
00:47:45.440 --> 00:47:49.039
Um, and I definitely struggle with you know being believed.
00:47:49.119 --> 00:47:51.039
You know, I have like evidence for everything.
00:47:51.199 --> 00:47:58.960
Like that's like I always have like I need to prove myself, or people are not gonna believe me, so I'll be like, a lot of stories I'll share.
00:47:59.039 --> 00:48:07.280
I'm like, yeah, you shouldn't Brett can verify this, like Brett can speak to this because she's like the witness to my whole life.
00:48:07.440 --> 00:48:10.079
I mean, I was in third grade when I met her.
00:48:10.719 --> 00:48:23.679
Um, she was my first friend in Mexico, and yeah, she witnessed everything I went through, and she is actually the first person I came out to about my dad when he was abusing me.
00:48:23.920 --> 00:48:27.440
So she has a pretty through it all.
00:48:27.760 --> 00:48:29.519
She's now our moderator.
00:48:29.920 --> 00:48:31.039
She's our moderator.
00:48:31.280 --> 00:48:33.360
Give her a shout out in the comments.
00:48:33.599 --> 00:48:48.320
Uh yeah, I actually felt really special and full circle to ask her to do that because I always feel like she's been protecting me and has protected you know the truth of my story, and she's just kind of fulfilling that again.
00:48:48.480 --> 00:48:54.480
So yeah, just really glad that we could bring her on because she is such a special person.
00:48:54.639 --> 00:48:59.039
So she is part of this bandwagon that we have.
00:48:59.280 --> 00:48:59.920
Yep.
00:49:00.239 --> 00:49:02.480
And we appreciate it so much.
00:49:02.639 --> 00:49:03.119
Yes.
00:49:03.280 --> 00:49:04.639
Well, this was a good topic.
00:49:04.800 --> 00:49:07.599
It was a good topic, and I don't feel like the conversation is over.
00:49:07.679 --> 00:49:15.199
There's still so much more to say about abandonment, but I think this gives people a lot to kind of like think about.
00:49:15.599 --> 00:49:24.079
Yeah, well, if you could leave people with one thing from this episode, what would you what would you leave them with?
00:49:24.400 --> 00:49:30.400
I would say that you have to find those people somewhere.
00:49:30.559 --> 00:49:40.719
Um, and and that's kind of like a catch point too, because it's not like you're going to the grocery store and you can just be like, oh, here's this safe and secure person, here's this safe and secure person.
00:49:40.880 --> 00:49:41.119
Yeah.
00:49:41.280 --> 00:49:57.920
But I would say the biggest thing that's been helpful to my life and any topic that we could talk about, it doesn't matter what the topic is, it's having safe people that help teach my nervous system better, that there's a better life for me.
00:49:58.079 --> 00:49:59.039
So yeah.
00:49:59.920 --> 00:50:12.480
And if you are thinking about it and need help finding ideas to to find those type of people and where you can do that, uh reach out to us.
00:50:12.800 --> 00:50:17.360
You can send us an email at Carpalconfessions Podcast at gmail.com.
00:50:17.679 --> 00:50:23.679
Um, you know, obviously we're here to help women navigate this life.
00:50:23.840 --> 00:50:24.320
Yes.
00:50:25.440 --> 00:50:46.719
Hopefully, through our real conversations that we're having, and whether about trauma, faith, you know, different struggles that we've gone through, hopefully those genuine conversations can help encourage you to just do things differently in your life, make changes, and know that you're also know that you're not alone in your struggles.
00:50:47.119 --> 00:50:47.840
No at all.
00:50:48.079 --> 00:50:58.159
Yeah, so we hope that uh this is encouraging to you and leave us a like and uh subscribe to don't miss any more episodes.
00:50:58.320 --> 00:50:59.280
That's all for now.
00:50:59.519 --> 00:51:00.000
All right.
00:51:00.480 --> 00:51:01.039
Bye.
00:00:00.080 --> 00:00:03.279
Breakups, friendship breakups, you get fired from a job.
00:00:03.439 --> 00:00:10.160
You're probably sitting here reflecting on your own experiences and thinking, oh, that's what that was.
00:00:28.719 --> 00:00:32.719
Hello and welcome back to Carful Confessions.
00:00:32.880 --> 00:00:36.000
I am Kelly Marie and I'm Kate Shaw.
00:00:36.479 --> 00:00:39.679
And it has been a very long time since we've seen each other.
00:00:39.920 --> 00:00:40.320
Yes.
00:00:40.880 --> 00:00:47.520
I just got back from being gone for over a week and it was really nice, except for this morning.
00:00:47.600 --> 00:00:49.039
I'm just like dragging.
00:00:49.280 --> 00:00:49.679
Oh yeah.
00:00:49.759 --> 00:00:52.560
I have the Sunday scaries were probably very real.
00:00:52.799 --> 00:01:00.399
Yeah, well, what's funny is I actually took off Monday as well because I knew I was gonna make Sunday scary so bad.
00:01:00.640 --> 00:01:10.000
No, that's really, really smart to uh you know build that into your time off because you do need that what you need that time to reacclimate back to your normal life.
00:01:10.079 --> 00:01:13.200
So I ended up coming back and everybody was sick.
00:01:13.280 --> 00:01:24.879
I don't know, anybody that has kids knows that like on vacation, it's like you just open yourself up to the gauntlet of of all the germs and things, you know, that are out there that maybe you don't encounter normally.
00:01:24.959 --> 00:01:27.519
So everybody gets exactly so yeah.
00:01:27.599 --> 00:01:28.879
I mean, but we had a great time.
00:01:28.959 --> 00:01:30.719
It was it was really nice to get away.
00:01:30.879 --> 00:01:32.480
Good, yeah, you definitely needed that.
00:01:32.640 --> 00:01:34.640
Everybody needs that time away.
00:01:34.879 --> 00:01:36.640
So what are we talking about today?
00:01:36.959 --> 00:01:42.159
Um, well, I think a big thing that's come up lately is abandonment.
00:01:42.319 --> 00:01:53.840
Yes, and I think underneath a lot of these um adaptations like anxiety, people pleasing, it can really stem from an abandonment wound.
00:01:54.000 --> 00:02:02.879
You know, we you know, people please because we don't want to lose people sometimes, and uh yeah, that can be a real challenge.
00:02:03.040 --> 00:02:06.319
And abandonment is definitely a big theme in my life.
00:02:06.560 --> 00:02:23.680
I feel like not only have I had my parents abandon me, but I feel like I have been abandoned by you know systemically as well, you know, our justice system and and things like that in my life, and other people and relationships in general.
00:02:23.919 --> 00:02:26.800
Oh yeah, that is super huge for me.
00:02:27.280 --> 00:02:38.400
Um I think that is the motivator behind a lot of my reactions and triggers is I'm scared to be abandoned ultimately.
00:02:38.560 --> 00:02:38.879
Yeah.
00:02:39.120 --> 00:02:45.680
Well, I think that that's akin to the I know I've talked about the recruit of rejection a lot.
00:02:45.840 --> 00:02:46.000
Yeah.
00:02:46.319 --> 00:02:48.159
It's very they're very intertwined.
00:02:49.039 --> 00:02:49.520
Yes.
00:02:50.159 --> 00:03:02.960
Yes, they are, and neither one feels good, and we find ourselves creating these behaviors in ourselves to unintentionally help prevent those type of things.
00:03:03.199 --> 00:03:04.000
Absolutely.
00:03:04.319 --> 00:03:10.960
And I think my first experience with abandonment would have happened.
00:03:11.120 --> 00:03:21.919
I mean, obviously, my father abandoned his role as a father, so I experienced that form of abandonment very early on.
00:03:22.159 --> 00:03:40.000
Um, but physically, I would say when my parents were separating, and then my mom got married and didn't even tell us children, and we showed up at her wedding, that was a real kick to my chest.
00:03:40.159 --> 00:03:45.599
Yeah, I just remember feeling very, I think, almost betrayed.
00:03:46.400 --> 00:03:58.159
Um and you know, we're you're going through this divorce with my dad, you pretty much walk out of our lives, and then you're you're getting married and you don't tell us children.
00:03:58.400 --> 00:04:01.520
And I just remember being very devastated by that.
00:04:01.680 --> 00:04:07.280
Like instantly when I pulled up and my mom came to the car and she had her wedding dress on.
00:04:07.840 --> 00:04:09.520
I was just hysterical.
00:04:09.759 --> 00:04:11.599
Yeah, that's a lot for a little kid.
00:04:11.759 --> 00:04:12.479
It is a lot.
00:04:12.639 --> 00:04:15.919
I you know was 10, 11 years old when that happened.
00:04:16.560 --> 00:04:21.439
I know it happened shortly before we were in in foster care.
00:04:22.160 --> 00:04:32.800
And then while we were in foster care, my dad did the same thing and got met this woman and got married, and I really felt abandoned and betrayed.
00:04:32.959 --> 00:04:35.199
You know, we're we're in foster care.
00:04:35.439 --> 00:04:39.920
Our parents lost custody of us, and here they are like moving off to these new relationships.
00:04:40.160 --> 00:04:44.079
Well, not only that, but your other family didn't, you know, wasn't there.
00:04:44.319 --> 00:04:49.920
You mentioned on another episode that you felt like they didn't try to get you or you know, anything.
00:04:50.160 --> 00:04:52.800
Yeah, I felt very abandoned by my family.
00:04:52.959 --> 00:04:56.800
I think those feelings kind of came later in my adult life too.
00:04:57.120 --> 00:04:59.199
Just like, where is my family?
00:04:59.519 --> 00:05:01.439
Why do they not want us?
00:05:01.920 --> 00:05:03.360
Why aren't they here helping us?
00:05:03.519 --> 00:05:04.959
Why don't we see them?
00:05:05.279 --> 00:05:10.399
And um, you know, at that time I had no idea that they they did try to get us.
00:05:10.639 --> 00:05:15.759
They, you know, I had family on both sides, my mom's side and my father's side.
00:05:16.079 --> 00:05:24.000
And they were trying to obtain custody of us, but you know, I was never told that until a couple years ago.
00:05:24.240 --> 00:05:33.120
Um, my mom's sister, she actually went on to become a social worker because of what happened to us kids.
00:05:33.439 --> 00:05:38.399
So it had definitely had this ripple effect in everybody's lives.
00:05:38.800 --> 00:05:39.759
It does.
00:05:40.000 --> 00:05:45.839
And it it even if it happens in your childhood, it just continues to echo through into adulthood.
00:05:46.079 --> 00:06:03.839
Yeah, and then I remember, you know, being a teenager and being that young and having such big feelings, and of course, the friends and stuff that that I had at that age, um, they really couldn't process or understand what I was going through.
00:06:03.920 --> 00:06:05.519
I mean, heck, I didn't even understand.
00:06:05.600 --> 00:06:15.439
But I remember one of my friends, um, she started dating a boy, and this is when, you know, we're at the age, we're already starting to date and that kind of thing.
00:06:16.240 --> 00:06:21.439
And I kind of felt like he became more important.
00:06:21.519 --> 00:06:33.680
We weren't hanging out as much anymore, and it really triggered it really triggered my abandonment wound that I had, and it affected our friendship, and I mean, we're not friends to this day.
00:06:34.000 --> 00:06:53.439
Okay, that that's a big thing I want to point out because it's like this happens, I feel like, way more than anybody realizes, but when people's phases of life change, you know, there's a connection point that sort of gets misplaced or or lost.
00:06:53.519 --> 00:07:22.480
I don't know what I want to call it lost, but I mean it's even like for example, like a lot of my friends, they're they have grandkids now, so like their priorities have shifted where maybe you know they had an empty nest before and they had all kinds of time, but now it's like they're shifting to because they have grandkids and they're you know doing grandparents' things, and I'm in a totally different phase of life where I'm now like getting into the age where I have kids that are becoming more independent, teenagers, yeah.
00:07:22.879 --> 00:07:23.199
Exactly.
00:07:23.279 --> 00:07:25.920
And so yeah, it definitely does.
00:07:26.079 --> 00:07:35.920
If you have an abandonment wound, those type of changes and season changes can definitely seem scarier.
00:07:36.160 --> 00:07:37.199
Oh, absolutely.
00:07:37.439 --> 00:07:41.439
And again, at that age, we didn't have the language back then.
00:07:41.600 --> 00:07:52.319
You know, you didn't hear people talking about abandonment wounds, and so being that young, it just I had such big feelings.
00:07:52.480 --> 00:07:56.639
Yeah, and um, yeah, it definitely caused us to not be friends anymore.
00:07:56.720 --> 00:08:11.519
I don't remember anything like a specific fight or anything, it was just like this weird tension, and um I don't know, I was probably like moody because I can get really moody when I don't understand what I'm feeling.
00:08:12.319 --> 00:08:17.600
We all can extend I feel like I experience it a little bit more.
00:08:17.759 --> 00:08:24.000
Yeah, it's definitely like living with CPTSD is is definitely a challenge.
00:08:24.160 --> 00:08:33.039
I have a lot of triggers, and I I mean to say I don't always understand what is necessarily triggering the feelings that I'm having.
00:08:33.279 --> 00:08:36.399
So every day is kind of a new day for me.
00:08:36.799 --> 00:08:50.000
Um I actually my abandonment wound was triggered the other day, and I just kind of had to like sit with myself and talk myself like this is not what's happening, you're not being abandoned.
00:08:50.320 --> 00:08:52.480
And it sounds it sounds stupid.
00:08:52.639 --> 00:08:55.279
Oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm even gonna say this.
00:08:55.600 --> 00:09:00.000
But it was it was work-related, nothing bad, nobody did anything bad.
00:09:00.080 --> 00:09:06.480
It was just, you know, everybody else was getting to take part in this training, and I wasn't.
00:09:06.639 --> 00:09:09.519
And it made me like it just triggered my wounds.
00:09:09.679 --> 00:09:14.080
It it's just a very real, real thing, and I'm just like, oh, I don't know.
00:09:14.240 --> 00:09:16.399
So I just had to talk myself off the ledge.
00:09:16.639 --> 00:09:17.279
Yes.
00:09:17.519 --> 00:09:24.720
And then you learn later that I get to do the training, your team just has to do it later because I was gone.
00:09:25.360 --> 00:09:27.120
And I only can do 10 at a time.
00:09:27.279 --> 00:09:30.480
Yeah, like I said, it's but that's how the power wounds show up.
00:09:30.559 --> 00:09:35.759
It's it doesn't mean it's real, yeah, but it feels real in that moment.
00:09:36.000 --> 00:09:45.679
Yeah, it feels and I've dealt with a lot of you know, it goes into feeling lonely and like you're like this social pariah that and that nobody wants to be around.
00:09:45.840 --> 00:09:48.240
So for me, I deal with that a lot.
00:09:48.399 --> 00:09:58.559
I have to do a lot of self-talk when I'm feeling that way, and uh, it's just challenging, and it, but it's the reality of what I've been through.
00:09:58.799 --> 00:10:08.240
And I know many others who probably you're probably sitting here reflecting on your own experiences and thinking, oh, that's what that was.
00:10:08.399 --> 00:10:10.960
It's this feeling of abandonment, yeah.
00:10:11.120 --> 00:10:24.480
And again, it could show up in really big dramatic ways that are obvious, like somebody left your life, or it can show up like not being included on a a work team building thing.
00:10:24.639 --> 00:10:31.200
I think that more of us have experienced that and maybe are completely unaware.
00:10:31.840 --> 00:10:32.799
Yeah, you know what I'm saying?
00:10:32.960 --> 00:10:36.159
Because look at the divorce rate in the United States.
00:10:36.320 --> 00:10:41.519
I mean, so many children have been through a divorce of their parents.
00:10:41.679 --> 00:10:50.559
Um, that's one very strong, you know, situation that can lead to feelings of abandonment, whether you know it or not.
00:10:50.720 --> 00:10:56.960
Yeah, whether your parents are there, you know, or really active in your life or not, it's still a major, major shift.
00:10:57.279 --> 00:11:04.879
And um, you know, breaking up breakups from somebody that you love or care about, friendship breakups.
00:11:05.120 --> 00:11:06.480
I've had a lot of those.
00:11:06.960 --> 00:11:28.399
You get fired from a job that you like, but you didn't want to be fired or let go from a job, you know, all of those things can absolutely be sowing these seeds into your identity that then you continue to you don't realize it, but they start appearing in your life elsewhere.
00:11:28.639 --> 00:11:29.200
Absolutely.
00:11:29.440 --> 00:11:32.960
What do you do, Kelly, when you start feeling that way?
00:11:33.279 --> 00:11:35.360
What do you feel through it?
00:11:35.600 --> 00:11:41.440
I've gotten really good at my my self-talk when I'm experiencing really big feelings.
00:11:41.840 --> 00:11:48.559
It's kind of like just like this spiral that goes on in my head, and I feel things very viscerally.
00:11:49.039 --> 00:11:56.879
Um so I really just have to talk to myself and be kind to myself and say, hey, that's not what's happening.
00:11:57.039 --> 00:11:59.120
You know, you're not being abandoned.
00:11:59.840 --> 00:12:03.039
Um this is just an abandonment wound.
00:12:03.120 --> 00:12:12.720
And then usually I like to look up material specific to what I'm feeling and just kind of learn the science behind behind it.
00:12:13.039 --> 00:12:14.480
So that really helps me.
00:12:14.559 --> 00:12:15.039
Yeah.
00:12:15.360 --> 00:12:20.240
Um when my mind, it kind of just depends where my mind is.
00:12:20.559 --> 00:12:36.799
If my mind is really wandering and like really spiraling, it's really hard for me to like ask for God's help because that's kind of like a new practice that I'm really integrating into my life is you know, talking to God about these different things.
00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:40.399
Um, but when it's not so bad, I'm able to do that, and that helps a lot.
00:12:40.480 --> 00:12:56.159
I think I remember like when we were starting this podcast, I had a lot of fear and anxiety, and I remember just talking to God about it, and I like literally almost instantly felt better.
00:12:56.399 --> 00:12:56.799
Yeah.
00:12:57.039 --> 00:13:02.159
And that is, I mean, that's a practice that you have to learn to do.
00:13:02.240 --> 00:13:03.759
That's not your default, obviously.
00:13:04.000 --> 00:13:04.240
Right.
00:13:04.559 --> 00:13:09.840
You know, as people, our default is to just ruminate on those thoughts.
00:13:10.080 --> 00:13:10.399
Yep.
00:13:11.039 --> 00:13:11.840
Big ruminator.
00:13:12.159 --> 00:13:25.200
We come back to this take every thought captive so often because if you've not learned it from listening to all of our podcast episodes yet, the mind is an incredibly powerful thing.
00:13:25.440 --> 00:13:25.840
Oh my gosh.
00:13:26.159 --> 00:13:27.519
It's shaping your reality.
00:13:27.679 --> 00:13:30.879
In fact, pretty much your entire reality is shaped by your mind.
00:13:31.440 --> 00:13:32.399
No, it is.
00:13:32.559 --> 00:13:48.000
It very much is all of these different things, you know, the environments that we live in, the relationships that we have, you know, our sense of safety and autonomy, they all affect your worldview and your mindset.
00:13:48.159 --> 00:13:54.080
Your mindset has very little to do with choosing to have better thoughts.
00:13:54.320 --> 00:13:56.080
It is very little of that.
00:13:56.240 --> 00:14:00.320
It it's it's all about relation, really.
00:14:00.639 --> 00:14:11.840
You know, your relation to safety and autonomy, your relation to um community, all these different things play a big part in our mental wellness.
00:14:12.000 --> 00:14:13.840
So it's all intraconnected.
00:14:14.000 --> 00:14:14.879
It's so true.
00:14:15.039 --> 00:14:22.240
And I know you've talked a lot before about um community and and the importance of community.
00:14:22.879 --> 00:14:34.480
And how do you feel like your change in network and community has affected your fear of abandonment?
00:14:34.960 --> 00:14:40.879
Um, I actually feel a lot more secure.
00:14:41.919 --> 00:14:46.480
Um I don't like with you, I I've thought about this a lot.
00:14:46.639 --> 00:14:54.720
Like, I don't worry about you abandoning me or like there's something really bad gonna happen and we're gonna be on the outs with each other.
00:14:54.960 --> 00:15:00.480
Like I feel like I don't know, it's just healthy and secure.
00:15:00.720 --> 00:15:33.840
I think being able to have relationships with people where we can have tough conversations, and I think a big thing for me also is you know, when you've gone through a lot of trauma like I have, not everybody is gonna be able to receive you because the things I have been through and that I talk about, they can really alter or it makes somebody's world, it can make their world view uncomfortable.
00:15:34.000 --> 00:15:43.120
Like your experience that just rattles what they what they perceive the world to be, like what makes it, yeah, it's uncomfortable.
00:15:43.279 --> 00:15:55.039
And so finding people who can attune to my lived experience has been all of the difference, you know.
00:15:55.200 --> 00:16:07.600
Again, nobody like you or anybody else that were normally around, they don't try to alter what happened to me, like, oh, you have to look for a silver lining.
00:16:07.840 --> 00:16:11.600
That's not the immediate, you know, reframe.
00:16:12.159 --> 00:16:29.039
It's being able to have the space to talk about these things, and then you guys just accept that's what it was, and then want to help me build a path forward so I'm not remaining stuck in it.
00:16:29.279 --> 00:16:30.320
Does that make sense?
00:16:30.559 --> 00:16:32.240
Yeah, absolutely.
00:16:32.720 --> 00:16:38.639
I also want to point out that I think who you're around matters so much.
00:16:38.960 --> 00:16:39.440
It does.
00:16:40.399 --> 00:16:50.960
One thing I would say about the group that you're around now is that we fundamentally understand the con the human condition.
00:16:51.200 --> 00:17:12.880
So, what I mean by that is if you're able to see sin for what it is, and if you're able to understand that this world is broken and that we are all just doing our best to get through this life that is inevitably going to involve attacks by the enemy.
00:17:13.039 --> 00:17:17.599
There's like this whole spiritual battle happening, you know, in all of our lives.
00:17:17.759 --> 00:17:25.359
I think if you have a group of people that understand that and also understand and want to like advocate for you to get out of that, yeah.
00:17:25.680 --> 00:17:36.960
We all have this, you know, power in prayer and power in in our relationship with God that helps us to lift each other up in these struggles.
00:17:37.119 --> 00:17:48.480
Like, I think that that makes so much of a difference because we're not blaming you, we're not blaming others, we're not, we're looking more at it for what it is, which is this is this is a battle that we're all in, yeah.
00:17:48.640 --> 00:17:49.440
In the middle of.
00:17:49.680 --> 00:17:50.240
Agreed.
00:17:50.640 --> 00:18:05.839
And yeah, it's it's very temporary, and I think that we all can, you know, if you if if you have a more of a eternal eternity mindset versus a this world is all there is kind of mindset, you know what I'm saying?
00:18:05.920 --> 00:18:20.559
It it very much alters how you receive, and yeah, I want to highlight that that doesn't automatically happen with your thought pattern, like that's a really big misconception when it comes to like mainstream psychology.
00:18:20.720 --> 00:18:27.359
We see all of these like motivational influencers who are like, it starts with your mind, and you just got things like our thoughts.
00:18:27.599 --> 00:18:28.960
It's not it's not true.
00:18:29.119 --> 00:18:41.359
No, it's it's really relational, you know, being able to create environments where you you're you feel safe, you have a sense of safety, you have a sense of agency.
00:18:42.079 --> 00:18:44.480
Again, the relate the people that you're around.
00:18:44.559 --> 00:18:59.440
I I could talk about that all day because man, it's just so true, and especially for my life, like the people that I have once been attached to, they just weren't the best people.
00:18:59.759 --> 00:19:25.440
It doesn't mean that maybe they're a bad person, but they may not have been the best person to connect with with the with the circumstances that I'm carrying because they can't make capacity for that, and that doesn't make somebody a bad person, it's just no, you know, we all have different levels of tolerance that we can take, and sometimes, you know, somebody like me is a lot because you know, I do struggle.
00:19:25.519 --> 00:19:32.000
I mean, I think we could be honest that there's you know, okay, you've been worried about me the past couple weeks and stuff too.
00:19:32.319 --> 00:19:33.920
Because I just struggle sometimes.
00:19:34.880 --> 00:19:42.880
Yeah, I can definitely, but that's the thing is that you want people in your life that recognize that will be able to be like, okay, home girl's off, what's wrong?
00:19:43.119 --> 00:19:45.519
Like, yeah, like what do you got going on?
00:19:45.680 --> 00:19:48.400
Like, hey, let's not record this week because something's off.
00:19:48.720 --> 00:19:49.119
Yeah, yeah.
00:19:49.440 --> 00:19:52.559
Like that's just the reality of it, and that's okay.
00:19:52.799 --> 00:20:17.599
I mean, I on the whole relational thing too, I have been doing a lot of research because I have a neurodivergent child, you know, where he he's he's diagnosed with ADHD and OCD and has literally all the all the behaviors of an autistic child because he has a a brain condition um called a genesis of the corpus colossum.
00:20:17.920 --> 00:20:22.480
And he's an awesome kid, but uh I am definitely his person.
00:20:22.640 --> 00:20:22.799
Yeah.
00:20:23.119 --> 00:20:29.119
And so I have been doing a ton of research into like why does he always need to be like attached to me?
00:20:29.200 --> 00:20:44.720
Like why am like why do I have to hold his hand at night or why do I have to like he he's very much like has to have me with him, and and there's this like really interesting science behind the regulation of your nervous system by having a person in it.
00:20:44.960 --> 00:20:59.440
If you're a no-divergent individual, you likely have a safe person or a or a person or a couple people that are your safe person, and that person is who you want to be around to regulate, help self-regulate.
00:20:59.920 --> 00:21:00.880
Yes, yes, yes.
00:21:01.119 --> 00:21:03.599
You are so correct about the sorry, I'm excited.
00:21:03.759 --> 00:21:38.240
I there is a doctor that I follow, and he is the most trauma-informed person, and he very much understands um how we connect relationally and like how all these different things work together in tandem, and that is a huge thing, is when you've been through a lot of trauma, that's usually as a result of somebody else's hands, like other people and also the systems that are in place that we live in in society.
00:21:38.640 --> 00:21:48.640
It really takes it took you know, people doing bad things to you that just regulated you, but it's also gonna take safe people to regulate your system.
00:21:48.720 --> 00:21:58.559
Like we literally other people teach your nervous system what to feel safe, to feel like you belong somewhere.
00:21:58.880 --> 00:22:26.799
So the what the path to really healing and being you know interconnected in the world is community and having these different places in your life that are teaching your nervous system that hey I these people are safe you know and we just kind of you just kind of co-regulate each other so it's just so important to really find those kind of people that can do that for you and then you do the same for them.
00:22:27.119 --> 00:22:33.359
And it and it's not I just want to highlight too it's not just any community it is healthy community.
00:22:33.519 --> 00:22:54.799
Healthy yes yes key that is key that you want to be more like people that are exhibiting the positive behaviors that you want to be more like or you know because here's the thing is that having a toxic community can do just as much damage.
00:22:55.279 --> 00:23:30.480
Yeah and that's what happened to me experience in your life yeah I mean I think we all have to some extent absolutely but you have definitely experienced you know the the the black and white night and day difference between having a community that's not healthy versus because I think you're gonna you're gonna you having been through so much you're going to try to um you're gonna be drawn to s to certain people and you're gonna try to you know self-regulate based on those people and if they're not healthy people if they're not having your best interest in at heart like that that could be really bad for you.
00:23:30.799 --> 00:23:33.200
Yeah and that's what it was bad for me.
00:23:33.440 --> 00:23:54.640
So you know several years or not several I guess a couple years ago um I thought I found my community and these were people that were going to the bars several times a week and again that can all it can feel so good you know because everybody's like kind of like on this high because some people are actually high.
00:23:54.799 --> 00:24:35.759
It's like hey girl oh my gosh yeah yeah just that sort of thing can be it can make you feel like oh like they're so excited to see me but I was living in extreme anxiety like I from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed like my anxiety was so bad my hair was falling out I still have like I don't wear my hair back straight back because I'm regrowing these bald spots that I have on my head from my hair was just falling out in clumps because I was so stressed and had so much anxiety all of the time like my anxiety woke me up out of my sleep.
00:24:35.920 --> 00:24:58.799
Yeah I was that's horrible I've experienced that yeah it's debilitating I remember I actually went to I went on a trip to Texas for work and I would have to get up several hours earlier because I would have to get in the shower and lay down in the shower for hours until it felt like I could actually get ready and get dressed.
00:24:58.960 --> 00:25:04.160
It was I don't wish that kind of suffering on my worst enemy.
00:25:04.319 --> 00:25:11.359
I really don't I would never want anybody to feel what I felt a couple years ago ever.
00:25:13.839 --> 00:25:29.039
But and there's other reasons too but a lot of it has to do with the fact that I just wasn't around good people and so my nervous system could not find its way to regulation because I was not around regulated people at all by any means.
00:25:29.279 --> 00:25:38.400
So it was very harmful for you know my mind for me physically I ended up dropping down to under 90 pounds.
00:25:38.640 --> 00:26:03.920
My doctor was he was very like direct with me and was like you're gonna die if you don't we don't figure this out like he actually had to send me to the hospital and I remember having to sit my girls down and tell them like what was going on and that felt pretty awful my BMI was 16 which is fatal.
00:26:04.240 --> 00:26:56.960
So I'm really actually lucky to be alive and didn't kill myself because I did not weigh anything and it's because I was working four jobs like I was just on this complete go go go um I was not eating at all I mean well we and we had this discussion on the episode about my biological mom passing away from basically losing like dropping down to nothing and and you know me just being so perplexed it's like how do you how do you die from just you know not you know stress or what yeah but but obviously no it your body is like if you're under like intense stress like you're that's not good for your body in so many ways.
00:26:57.200 --> 00:27:13.119
Yeah what what's coming to mind is if you've seen the movie The Hunger Games and Katniss Everdeen being in that first hunger game and how she must have felt that's how I felt every day like I was literally being hunted for sport.
00:27:14.559 --> 00:27:45.200
Um yeah that's not a good feeling no it was not I've never felt so bad in my life and again it was a a compilation of things it was the people I was hanging around it was um you know I wasn't in therapy yet so I still had a lot of trauma I was also assaulted in 2020 and so it was just like like a series of unfortunate events.
00:27:45.359 --> 00:28:37.839
You know my mom died in 2018 at the end of 2018 so we went through a pandemic which was very scary and very isolating and a whole thing and um and then what most people don't know is Darius my husband was really really sick like we thought he was going to die and again I felt like I was going to be abandoned like what Darius was going through watching him drop all that weight it gets so skinny um I'm like here I go again like I just watched my mother go through this now I have to watch Darius go through this and let me tell you when I'm experiencing or think I'm experiencing abandonment I will run.
00:28:38.319 --> 00:28:55.599
So I wasn't the best of him because I'm thinking you know subconsciously he's going to leave me so before he has a chance to leave me I'm gonna leave him and a lot more people probably could identify that with that.
00:28:55.839 --> 00:29:08.480
Yeah yeah and so I do that a lot there have been several times in my life where I can kind of see where something's going and I'm not gonna give you the opportunity to do it.
00:29:08.559 --> 00:29:10.079
So I'm gonna I'm gonna do it.
00:29:10.160 --> 00:29:15.759
So there's been several times in my life where I've like I'm so serious about it.
00:29:15.839 --> 00:29:32.960
I leave the whole state I have left the whole state and gone on and tried to start over somewhere else because like that abandonment wound was being triggered and I did not have the space or the emotional capacity to handle that.
00:29:33.119 --> 00:29:36.799
Like I was you know in in survival mode.
00:29:36.960 --> 00:29:37.440
Right.
00:29:37.680 --> 00:30:15.920
So had the flight response had the flight response so I felt yeah and then when I was pregnant with Chloe I got fired from my job so it felt like a pretty big loser because I'm pregnant at 20 years old now I don't have a job um I haven't been dating the person very long at all like we weren't even really like at I love you yet and hearing I'm pregnant with my daughter and so I was like there's no way this person what is gonna wants to be with me.
00:30:16.000 --> 00:30:45.839
I'm I'm a loser that's how I felt so I ended up going back to Washington to live with my mom because my plan was I really wanted to be a nurse so I didn't have a job I was homeless pregnant and not been dating this person very long so I was like I'm gonna go back and live with my mom and have her support me while I go through nursing school so that's what happened.
00:30:46.000 --> 00:31:02.559
I ended up going back to Washington and I moved in with my mom and my sister and brother but I kid you not the very day I get there my mom's like awesome you're here now I'm gonna move out and leave you here and I'm gonna go move in with my boyfriend.
00:31:02.799 --> 00:31:09.359
So she just started dating this guy and he didn't want anything to do with her children.
00:31:09.680 --> 00:31:19.839
So then I showed up and my mom's like cool you're here to take care of your siblings so I'm going to move out and that is what happened.
00:31:20.079 --> 00:31:42.400
So my mother abandoned me again for another man and I'm left with my sister who is developmentally delayed and then my brother and they're both still in high school mind you like they're still in school and I'm pregnant and I have no friends up there.
00:31:42.720 --> 00:31:56.960
None and yeah that's when I really started having also suicidal ideation I I felt so alone when I was pregnant with Chloe.
00:31:57.599 --> 00:32:11.920
I stayed in Washington um until I was eight months pregnant with her I I did come back to Missouri but I was alone in Washington for several months like people didn't even know I was pregnant.
00:32:13.359 --> 00:32:14.079
Like nobody knew.
00:32:14.319 --> 00:32:16.079
So how did that go when you came back?
00:32:16.240 --> 00:32:33.680
I mean what happened with your siblings uh my mom had to find somebody else to take care of them to be honest yeah she found some random person willing to move in with them my brother his abandonment wound is probably way worse than mine.
00:32:35.039 --> 00:32:56.000
My brother has been like like his most of my trauma I would say comes from my dad whereas my brother would tell you most of his trauma comes from our mother because once we get into more of my story I end up with custody of both my siblings again at different points in my life and yeah it's just kind of crazy.
00:32:56.240 --> 00:32:57.119
That is crazy.
00:32:57.359 --> 00:33:03.359
But yeah that my mom like she always chose a man over over us children.
00:33:03.519 --> 00:33:09.359
So if she dated somebody and they didn't want kids or they didn't like us we were we were out of there.
00:33:09.519 --> 00:33:10.960
Can I just say something?
00:33:11.279 --> 00:33:56.880
Yeah if there are mothers that are listening to this podcast today I totally understand that you need love and you need you know if you're not if you're not married to someone you're like seeing other people I would just point out that you have to be so careful of the people you bring into your life around your children and just understand that these type of things like the feelings of abandonment are so real for kids and if you know if you're prioritizing another person outside of your children they don't necessarily understand what's happening there.
00:33:57.119 --> 00:33:57.440
Right.
00:33:57.599 --> 00:34:10.639
You know so just be extra thoughtful and sensitive to that with your own children because that can leave some really damaging wounds that affect people way later in life.
00:34:10.880 --> 00:34:22.800
Yeah and my brother I don't want to share too much of his stuff because he's a lot more private than I am but you know he's gonna struggle the rest of his life like I am because of these things.
00:34:23.119 --> 00:34:37.280
And so the abandonment wound for my brother is really deep and um there's been times he's really struggled and it it hurts me how much he struggles when he when he goes through that when that abandonment wound gets triggered.
00:34:37.360 --> 00:34:40.800
Like it's it's like really painful for me to witness.
00:34:41.119 --> 00:34:50.239
Well and even though your sister is developmentally delayed I'm sure it is absolutely affected her as well because it shows up way different for her.
00:34:50.559 --> 00:35:27.519
Way different oh it absolutely has my sister we could have like several podcast episodes about about that but also on the on what was happening with my mom like the reason she did that was because of her abandonment room too like she you know her mom wanted to abort her and wasn't really part of her life until she was older and my grandpa was not the greatest dad so we talked about that on the generational trauma trauma episode it's crazy how these cycles just they just repeat themselves repeating.
00:35:27.760 --> 00:35:33.360
Exactly so I think that's why I'm able I do forgive my mom.
00:35:33.440 --> 00:36:14.880
I may I'm at a place where I can forgive my mom but it doesn't take away what it has done to me and my siblings and you know the pain we still carry I have when it comes to my mom well really both my parents I have just had to accept that I have conflicting feelings about both of them and that can be really confusing for outside people you know so it's just hard but yeah she um she chose men over us and these men were abusive in in so many different ways so it's really sad.
00:36:15.039 --> 00:36:16.000
It is really sad.
00:36:16.320 --> 00:36:18.400
But that's a story for so many kids.
00:36:18.559 --> 00:36:57.519
It is it really is I know I know a lot of people that have been through that and I've had friends in my life that have also like they just serial date all these people and there's gotta be some internal thing that they're searching for that they you know that they're that they're lacking in their life that they feel like they need to be getting from from a partner and and what's sad is that they're like we talked about before like if you're seeking this co-regulation from the wrong people oh my gosh like it can be devastating.
00:36:57.760 --> 00:37:29.039
Yeah it is devastating and um some of the people that I used to be connected to are still making the same choices and it it makes me sad because I still love these people but because they're not in a a healing path I I have to keep distance between us to protect my own um you know sanity and my sense of safety and and and stuff like that.
00:37:29.360 --> 00:37:47.199
So that's another form of like my abandonment wound getting triggered because I do have love for a lot of these people still but I just know that I realistically can't have a healthy relationship with them so that's hard.
00:37:47.360 --> 00:37:58.960
It is hard and you mentioned on another note you mentioned being systemically abandoned.
00:37:59.280 --> 00:38:38.880
Yeah can you tell me a little bit more about that yeah so that would involve the justice system a lot of that and um when you're a sexual assault victim going through the justice system is about as traumatizing as the actual event if not more so I did go to court against my dad we haven't got to that part of my story yet but I did and when you're a kid it is drastically different than when you are an adult.
00:38:39.199 --> 00:38:55.760
As a kid you know you have you get like a child victim's advocate they're not a part of like these bigger conversations obviously because you're a kid and also like I didn't get to have decide on the direction of my case.
00:38:56.000 --> 00:39:23.519
So there ended up being like a plea deal and I would not have signed on for that had I been an adult um but I was also assaulted again as an adult woman and I have had two of those cases in the legal system and let me tell you a thing or two there is very little compassion very little support.
00:39:24.480 --> 00:39:36.320
I did not have people informing me of things and you just feel like nobody cares about the actual victim.
00:39:36.559 --> 00:39:43.039
Your case become becomes the state like the state has your case it belongs to them.
00:39:43.360 --> 00:39:56.079
And so they get to decide how they're gonna prosecute it and um you can be completely shunned out of that so that can leave you feeling abandoned.
00:39:56.320 --> 00:40:20.239
And honestly when it comes to sexual assault our legal system just hasn't caught up to the realities of what happens and when it comes to law the reason why you see a lot more civil suits when it comes to sexual assault is when it comes to criminal you have to be able to prove beyond a reasonable doubt.
00:40:20.480 --> 00:40:27.679
And most people who are assaulted they don't immediately go to the hospital and get checked out that's not reality.
00:40:27.840 --> 00:40:51.280
That's not what happens yeah after I was raped the most the latest one I went home and took a shower immediately and I've been through this a hundred times it feels like you know I immediately like I was just like my like I wasn't even a part of my body I just got home and like got in the shower and there goes all the evidence.
00:40:51.440 --> 00:40:55.280
Yeah so yeah because you just feel like you need to just get it off of you.
00:40:55.440 --> 00:41:04.320
Well and then when you when a woman is assaulted a lot of times you feel like you did something or you made a stupid choice.
00:41:05.119 --> 00:41:13.519
So for me I know the the most the latest one I definitely felt like that because I chose to hang around terrible people.
00:41:13.679 --> 00:41:21.599
So I brought this on myself and so you can feel very lonely and abandoned in those situations.
00:41:22.159 --> 00:41:29.599
Yeah I would never have like put my finger on that but now that you explain it that way yeah I could see it.
00:41:29.840 --> 00:42:08.800
Yeah for sure and and then you feel abandoned by the system because it just nobody's backing you up it's like you it's like your word against someone else's and yeah yeah and that's you know that's not how the law works they that's not gonna you're not gonna win your case as a victim even if it's the most true because you know these backdoor deals get made um there's all these different loopholes that people can do a prosecutor could come in and say like we're not good this evidence is not going to be admissible in court and so it can be really devastating to to go to court.
00:42:09.679 --> 00:42:15.519
I think that that's really it is pretty on point with abandonment because that's what you're doing.
00:42:15.599 --> 00:42:17.920
Like they're the system is abandoning victims.
00:42:18.239 --> 00:42:20.079
Yeah yeah that's what's happening.
00:42:20.320 --> 00:42:23.199
No wonder you couldn't regulate your nervous system.
00:42:23.440 --> 00:43:14.800
No there was no way there was no way in the environment I was in and then after after I lost everybody and I had nobody like this was before we really like reconnected um I was going to therapy which was helping like I was starting to get back to some sense of a baseline but really you coming into my life has really been able to like thrust me forward because again you helped co-regulate my nervous system you know uh and it feels very secure like I don't think you're gonna leave me like I don't worry about that I don't worry that one day you're gonna get mad at me for something and not talk to me and we then we just don't talk to each other anymore.
00:43:15.280 --> 00:43:24.159
Again abandonment like I've just had so many people that I've cared about just like up and leave me and sometimes there's no rhyme or reason.
00:43:24.320 --> 00:43:27.119
I don't know they're just like they're just like done with me.
00:43:27.760 --> 00:43:56.880
Well and I think to tie it into the faith conversation as we always do yeah you know that's the one thing that came to mind as we as we were talking about this topic this morning is that I think it's in Deuteronomy I'll have to put the scripture up on the screen because I'm driving and I don't have it but it the one this basically I'm paraphrasing here but you know God will never never leave you or forsake you.
00:43:57.119 --> 00:43:57.519
Right.
00:43:57.679 --> 00:44:07.119
You know and I think that's The one scripture that kept coming to my mind is like, you know, people will fail you again and again and again.
00:44:07.440 --> 00:44:15.440
But having that foundation in a God that never leaves you.
00:44:15.599 --> 00:44:17.760
Now sometimes he might feel far from you.
00:44:17.920 --> 00:44:18.559
Yeah.
00:44:18.880 --> 00:44:21.119
But he's he's there.
00:44:21.679 --> 00:44:25.280
And you know, that gives me great comfort to know.
00:44:25.440 --> 00:44:38.880
And I hopefully, as you grow in your faith as well, you will start to, you know, realize that a lot of that security and stability that you are feeling now comes from, whether you know it or not, your relationship with God.
00:44:39.119 --> 00:44:40.159
No, I believe that.
00:44:40.400 --> 00:44:49.119
And and the people around you having you know that similar belief system makes ever every bit of the difference.
00:44:49.360 --> 00:44:50.239
It really does.
00:44:50.480 --> 00:45:09.599
Well, and also that's I think that's what's really great about going to church for me too, is it is consistent, it is stable, it is a good environment for my nervous system to recognize a sense of safety and belonging.
00:45:09.840 --> 00:45:15.760
And so there's just all these really good things that have happened since I've started going back to church.
00:45:15.840 --> 00:45:23.599
And it and it helps with the abandonment room because I go in every week and I see pretty much the same people.
00:45:23.760 --> 00:45:36.239
You know, there's like a consistency of people that I see, and that's very stabilizing for my nervous system, especially when I've not had people consistently in my life, you know.
00:45:36.480 --> 00:45:43.760
Like even, you know, your mom and your your dad, they were there for like a chapter.
00:45:43.920 --> 00:45:53.039
Now it's obviously we're reconnected and it I don't see that changing, but you know, it's like I've just had people in chapters.
00:45:53.199 --> 00:45:56.480
There's not been a whole lot of consistency in my life.
00:45:56.639 --> 00:46:03.199
The only per long-term person that I've had in my life is Brett, my friend Brett.
00:46:03.920 --> 00:46:06.239
And she's been through all phases with me.
00:46:06.400 --> 00:46:08.239
So well and Darius, too.
00:46:08.400 --> 00:46:09.840
Yeah, and Darius, yeah.
00:46:10.000 --> 00:46:11.679
I mean, how long have you guys been together?
00:46:12.000 --> 00:46:13.039
Over 17 years.
00:46:13.280 --> 00:46:14.239
I was gonna say.
00:46:14.639 --> 00:46:36.719
But it you know, that's could be another episode too, but um it's really hard for me to let Darius be there for me, and I'm a lot better at it now, but like romantic relationships are just hard because it feels so similar to the abuse I went through.
00:46:36.960 --> 00:46:40.079
So I try to run from that man so many times.
00:46:40.320 --> 00:46:56.159
He is a saint to put up with me, but I think I was thinking about this the other day, I just really think he has always understood my trauma and for the most part, and um like why I am the way that I am essentially.
00:46:56.239 --> 00:46:58.159
Like he just gets that about me.
00:46:58.480 --> 00:47:12.639
Well, and I think that's a similarity that he has with me, too, is that I was a part of your life at the age where you were going through so much of it that I think in Brett as well.
00:47:12.719 --> 00:47:13.599
Yeah, you know what I mean?
00:47:13.679 --> 00:47:29.039
All of those consistent people at this point in your life all have a first point experience of you know, yeah, those type of things and have been around for you know, have seen it from then and see it now, you know what I mean?
00:47:29.119 --> 00:47:39.199
And I think that that makes a difference and it creates a compassion and understanding for your situation because you know that's ultimately what you need really, yeah.
00:47:39.440 --> 00:47:44.079
Because it's hard for people to imagine and understand situations like yours.
00:47:44.320 --> 00:47:45.280
Yeah, I know it is.
00:47:45.440 --> 00:47:49.039
Um, and I definitely struggle with you know being believed.
00:47:49.119 --> 00:47:51.039
You know, I have like evidence for everything.
00:47:51.199 --> 00:47:58.960
Like that's like I always have like I need to prove myself, or people are not gonna believe me, so I'll be like, a lot of stories I'll share.
00:47:59.039 --> 00:48:07.280
I'm like, yeah, you shouldn't Brett can verify this, like Brett can speak to this because she's like the witness to my whole life.
00:48:07.440 --> 00:48:10.079
I mean, I was in third grade when I met her.
00:48:10.719 --> 00:48:23.679
Um, she was my first friend in Mexico, and yeah, she witnessed everything I went through, and she is actually the first person I came out to about my dad when he was abusing me.
00:48:23.920 --> 00:48:27.440
So she has a pretty through it all.
00:48:27.760 --> 00:48:29.519
She's now our moderator.
00:48:29.920 --> 00:48:31.039
She's our moderator.
00:48:31.280 --> 00:48:33.360
Give her a shout out in the comments.
00:48:33.599 --> 00:48:48.320
Uh yeah, I actually felt really special and full circle to ask her to do that because I always feel like she's been protecting me and has protected you know the truth of my story, and she's just kind of fulfilling that again.
00:48:48.480 --> 00:48:54.480
So yeah, just really glad that we could bring her on because she is such a special person.
00:48:54.639 --> 00:48:59.039
So she is part of this bandwagon that we have.
00:48:59.280 --> 00:48:59.920
Yep.
00:49:00.239 --> 00:49:02.480
And we appreciate it so much.
00:49:02.639 --> 00:49:03.119
Yes.
00:49:03.280 --> 00:49:04.639
Well, this was a good topic.
00:49:04.800 --> 00:49:07.599
It was a good topic, and I don't feel like the conversation is over.
00:49:07.679 --> 00:49:15.199
There's still so much more to say about abandonment, but I think this gives people a lot to kind of like think about.
00:49:15.599 --> 00:49:24.079
Yeah, well, if you could leave people with one thing from this episode, what would you what would you leave them with?
00:49:24.400 --> 00:49:30.400
I would say that you have to find those people somewhere.
00:49:30.559 --> 00:49:40.719
Um, and and that's kind of like a catch point too, because it's not like you're going to the grocery store and you can just be like, oh, here's this safe and secure person, here's this safe and secure person.
00:49:40.880 --> 00:49:41.119
Yeah.
00:49:41.280 --> 00:49:57.920
But I would say the biggest thing that's been helpful to my life and any topic that we could talk about, it doesn't matter what the topic is, it's having safe people that help teach my nervous system better, that there's a better life for me.
00:49:58.079 --> 00:49:59.039
So yeah.
00:49:59.920 --> 00:50:12.480
And if you are thinking about it and need help finding ideas to to find those type of people and where you can do that, uh reach out to us.
00:50:12.800 --> 00:50:17.360
You can send us an email at Carpalconfessions Podcast at gmail.com.
00:50:17.679 --> 00:50:23.679
Um, you know, obviously we're here to help women navigate this life.
00:50:23.840 --> 00:50:24.320
Yes.
00:50:25.440 --> 00:50:46.719
Hopefully, through our real conversations that we're having, and whether about trauma, faith, you know, different struggles that we've gone through, hopefully those genuine conversations can help encourage you to just do things differently in your life, make changes, and know that you're also know that you're not alone in your struggles.
00:50:47.119 --> 00:50:47.840
No at all.
00:50:48.079 --> 00:50:58.159
Yeah, so we hope that uh this is encouraging to you and leave us a like and uh subscribe to don't miss any more episodes.
00:50:58.320 --> 00:50:59.280
That's all for now.
00:50:59.519 --> 00:51:00.000
All right.
00:51:00.480 --> 00:51:01.039
Bye.
