S4 E5: The Hidden Ways Childhood Trauma Shapes Relationships, Leadership, and Healing with Tyrrea L. Graves

Intro
Welcome to Behaviorally Speaking: Leadership for Change-Makers—where leadership is grounded in behavior, guided by dignity, and designed for change. I'm your host, Dr. Esther Bubb. Let's dive into today's episode.
Interview
WEBVTT
1
00:00:02.820 --> 00:00:08.420
Dr. Esther Bubb: So, Tyria, thank you so much for joining the show again. Thank you for!
2
00:00:08.420 --> 00:00:08.990
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yay!
3
00:00:09.100 --> 00:00:23.960
Dr. Esther Bubb: You're very welcome. I am extremely proud of you. Congrats on your book, Unspoken Truths, Marriage, Power, Secrets, and Survival. So, how are you doing today, and how has life been since you published your book, Unspoken Truths?
4
00:00:24.290 --> 00:00:27.809
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I'm doing great. Life has been…
5
00:00:28.290 --> 00:00:36.439
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Life has been life, and I'm very busy in a very good way. I am trying to…
6
00:00:36.780 --> 00:00:44.619
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Get the book out, expose myself, do a lot of branding and marketing, to reach readers nationwide.
7
00:00:44.960 --> 00:00:54.619
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Coming up with creative ideas on how to market and brand, signing up for different, summit events and different,
8
00:00:54.710 --> 00:01:06.890
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: venues that I see that's happening, so it's exciting. I'm really excited about the progress of, you know, what's taking place. I'm excited about the positive feedback that I get from readers.
9
00:01:07.350 --> 00:01:10.390
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And how the book resonates with them.
10
00:01:10.870 --> 00:01:14.970
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So, I'm really happy. Yes, very happy.
11
00:01:14.970 --> 00:01:31.190
Dr. Esther Bubb: Wonderful. Well, that's exciting news, congrats, and I'm sure the story will continue to get out there, because it is a story that's real, right? That connects people, sparks conversations, and, you know, does more than the book itself, or what you can do, right? So…
12
00:01:31.190 --> 00:01:31.710
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yes.
13
00:01:31.710 --> 00:01:33.680
Dr. Esther Bubb: I'm happy about that for you, yeah.
14
00:01:33.680 --> 00:01:40.349
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Thank you. And that was my intention. Yeah. Just to spark those conversations and discussions.
15
00:01:40.530 --> 00:01:57.000
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, wonderful. Thank you, thank you for doing that. So let's start off the conversation, Teria, you know, again, talking about your book, Unspoken Truths. So I'm really curious, Teria, what inspired you to write Unspoken Truths, and then why did you feel that that story that you told needed to be told, and be told by you?
16
00:01:57.460 --> 00:01:59.160
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Okay, that's a good question.
17
00:01:59.870 --> 00:02:17.600
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So, Unspoken Truth was just born out of more than 20 years working with children and families as a board-certified behavior analyst. And throughout my career, I kept noticing the same patterns. Behaviors that we see in adulthoods don't start in adulthood.
18
00:02:17.600 --> 00:02:25.010
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: They're often rooted in childhood experiences and family dynamics, and the unspoken messages we received growing up.
19
00:02:25.420 --> 00:02:27.070
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Childhood mantras?
20
00:02:27.530 --> 00:02:29.490
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: We learn things like.
21
00:02:29.670 --> 00:02:40.130
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: don't talk about family dynamics, what goes on in his house, days in his house. You have to be strong, no matter what. You have to work twice as hard.
22
00:02:40.130 --> 00:02:50.329
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And those messages shape the way that we love, communicate, lead, and trust, and even how we cope with pain.
23
00:02:50.550 --> 00:03:05.159
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yeah. So, I wanted to write a novel that entertained readers with drama, suspense, and compelling characters, but also invite them to ask those deep questions of, what unspoken truths am I carrying?
24
00:03:05.550 --> 00:03:18.970
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And I just thought that, telling the story gives more power to reach people in a way that a lecture cannot. Readers can see themselves in these characters of Zori, Tracy, and Amara.
25
00:03:19.270 --> 00:03:23.339
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And they can use that to be able to reflect on their own lives.
26
00:03:23.680 --> 00:03:28.999
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, I love all of that you said, like, as we know, stories…
27
00:03:29.090 --> 00:03:47.440
Dr. Esther Bubb: have a deeper meaning, and stories, people hold on to them, right? If I went to you speaking, I'd walk away with whatever stories you share, and I'll remember that. So, I think it's really nice that you used your creativity, but also your behavior analytic experience to weave the message you want people to walk away with in the story.
28
00:03:47.440 --> 00:04:05.930
Dr. Esther Bubb: And, you know, I'm also thinking it gives you the opportunity to also show yourself as a behavior analyst, so thinking of learning history, all the things we learned, all the things we were taught that was embedded in us, right, growing up, and now we think of our current environments and our contexts, and how do all of those antecedents, right?
29
00:04:06.460 --> 00:04:09.179
Dr. Esther Bubb: students impact how we behave today?
30
00:04:09.300 --> 00:04:22.839
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yes, and understanding the why. I remember reflecting back, I used to teach at Wilmington University, and one of the classes I taught was psychology courses, was theories of personality.
31
00:04:23.120 --> 00:04:23.770
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
32
00:04:24.000 --> 00:04:29.710
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: the message behind theories of personality and how we develop our personality.
33
00:04:29.930 --> 00:04:38.950
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: This draws me into, again, why I wrote this story. And as behavior analysts, we're always asking why.
34
00:04:38.950 --> 00:04:39.550
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
35
00:04:39.750 --> 00:04:48.650
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Why? Why? And I'm peeling that layer back to, why do things trigger us the way that they do?
36
00:04:48.650 --> 00:04:49.500
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
37
00:04:49.500 --> 00:05:03.129
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And I had to do some self-reflection because I had an incident with a friend, a long-term friend, over 30 years. Some things happened, and I'm saying to myself, why does this trigger me?
38
00:05:03.490 --> 00:05:10.139
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And some people were saying, I think you're overreacting, and I'm saying, no, I'm not. You don't see what I'm seeing.
39
00:05:10.260 --> 00:05:16.969
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And I didn't, so then I had to self-evaluate myself and say, why does this trigger me?
40
00:05:17.780 --> 00:05:20.760
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: When was the first time I felt this way?
41
00:05:20.980 --> 00:05:21.580
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
42
00:05:21.580 --> 00:05:26.149
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And as I self-reflect, I… it was an aha moment.
43
00:05:26.830 --> 00:05:29.050
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I remember this as a kid.
44
00:05:29.400 --> 00:05:47.249
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: when someone said, you know, X, Y, and Z, and I'm like, that's why I react that way and feel that way when certain things happen. So I thought, again, instead of just, you know, talking about it, just putting it through being a storyteller.
45
00:05:47.460 --> 00:05:47.860
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
46
00:05:47.860 --> 00:06:00.289
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And putting it on a page, and I'm quite sure that a lot of us go through this, have the same experiences, we just weren't able to, like, identify it and put, like, a name to it. So…
47
00:06:00.580 --> 00:06:17.239
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I just got out my whiteboard and started developing, like, characters, and what, you know, specific characteristics, and what specific messages I wanted to send, and what specific childhood mantras I wanted to tackle with each character.
48
00:06:17.580 --> 00:06:31.439
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, wonderful, wonderful. So you shared so much in that response, Tyria, and everything you've shared so far, and I'm thinking of you as a behavior analyst, a mother, an author, a wife, you know, all of those things, a Black woman.
49
00:06:31.490 --> 00:06:51.589
Dr. Esther Bubb: How have all of those roles, right, but most specifically the marriage of your role as behavior analyst and as author, really influenced each other in helping you understand people's stories, but in helping people understand the stories you share, just as you just shared the story about your relationship, your 30-year relationship?
50
00:06:52.920 --> 00:06:57.179
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So… it kind of complements each other.
51
00:06:57.490 --> 00:07:03.849
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Me putting myself in the characters, because there's a little bit of me in those characters.
52
00:07:04.470 --> 00:07:05.140
Dr. Esther Bubb: Hmm.
53
00:07:05.140 --> 00:07:14.449
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Also, again, like, me being a mother, me sharing my experiences, me being a behavior analyst, and often listening to others
54
00:07:14.740 --> 00:07:16.760
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Challenges that they faced.
55
00:07:17.030 --> 00:07:20.079
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And taking that into account, and…
56
00:07:20.390 --> 00:07:34.099
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: now I listen more intently to people, and I'm like, oh, I can use that example, as well as the things that I experienced. You know, as a mother, your children go through challenges, and
57
00:07:34.670 --> 00:07:37.389
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: When children get a certain age.
58
00:07:38.500 --> 00:07:42.319
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes, yes, yes, amen.
59
00:07:42.520 --> 00:07:56.849
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: They do not want to hear what you have to say, so you have to be creative in a way that doesn't seem so overbearing, or doesn't seem like you're lecturing them.
60
00:07:56.850 --> 00:07:57.280
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
61
00:07:57.280 --> 00:08:16.359
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So I utilize, like, storytelling in a sense of, as we're sitting here watching this movie, what would this movie say in order for the message to resonate with them? So I'm using it in various aspects of ways. And, you know, we always say, as a behavior analyst, the first thing I always tell people.
62
00:08:16.360 --> 00:08:21.809
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I use ABA with my family. I use it with my husband, my child, my dog.
63
00:08:22.990 --> 00:08:25.410
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: It's talking about journalization.
64
00:08:25.630 --> 00:08:26.140
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
65
00:08:26.140 --> 00:08:36.420
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Ways across different facets, so I wanted to, in my mind, wanted to be creative, in a sense, where I was utilizing my expertise and my knowledge.
66
00:08:36.809 --> 00:08:37.349
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
67
00:08:37.350 --> 00:08:56.200
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: In a way that is something that I'm passionate about, about being a reader. So I wanted to combine those two worlds together. So writing this novel was a treat for me, because I'm an avid reader, and I always felt, when I was reading, that I was going on vacation.
68
00:08:56.410 --> 00:09:04.089
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So I figured, if I can tell a story, or put a story together based on my expertise and knowledge of
69
00:09:04.100 --> 00:09:19.989
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: being a behavior analyst. This is something… this is a new lane. This is opening up a… this is opening up a new avenue for behavior analysts in the different facets that we can become in, not just necessarily working with
70
00:09:19.990 --> 00:09:37.200
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: you know, children diagnosed with autism. There's so many things and so many industries and professions and things that we can do with our knowledge and expertise. So, this is something I kind of combine, something… a hobby of mine with, my experience, so…
71
00:09:37.820 --> 00:09:47.849
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, thank you for sharing that, and I think… I think there's a profound message in what you just shared. Sometimes we allow the knowledge we have and our experiences to limit
72
00:09:47.900 --> 00:10:07.109
Dr. Esther Bubb: Right? Or potential. But we have to be able to be, as you just shared and as you've done, creative enough to explore how else, right, can I practice what I do? Who else can I reach? How can I expand? And at the same time, really putting behavior analysis out there as something that's scientific, but still relatable, right?
73
00:10:07.490 --> 00:10:25.340
Dr. Esther Bubb: that the average person can benefit from it, so I think you're, you know, sort of set the stage to open doors and explain people's mindset and their thinking, and to allow them to realize that the story behind the behavior requires curiosity, but also creativity, right? Because as you just shared with your son, it's getting creative.
74
00:10:25.700 --> 00:10:31.849
Dr. Esther Bubb: to get out, right, the story behind the behavior, I'm being curious enough to get creative with it, right?
75
00:10:32.170 --> 00:10:32.850
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yes.
76
00:10:32.850 --> 00:10:33.250
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
77
00:10:33.250 --> 00:10:35.619
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So more people are receptive to it.
78
00:10:35.620 --> 00:10:36.150
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes.
79
00:10:36.150 --> 00:10:54.970
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: because, again, you know, like I stated earlier, people are more prone, to receive the message, like, in a story, like, as opposed to you sitting there lecturing. And as a mom who has a son, well, he's a young adult now, I have to phrase that differently.
80
00:10:54.970 --> 00:10:55.420
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes!
81
00:10:55.420 --> 00:10:57.369
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: The 23-year-old who.
82
00:10:57.370 --> 00:10:57.880
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes.
83
00:10:57.880 --> 00:11:14.290
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: starting his first job, even having the discussions of how you spend money. Yeah. Walking the fine line of not telling him what to do, but just giving him some options and teaching him about budgeting. Yeah.
84
00:11:14.730 --> 00:11:23.440
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: through storytelling, I don't say, well, this is what you should do. I get little clips on financial literacy.
85
00:11:25.990 --> 00:11:30.429
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And just share, and just say, so what did you think about that video?
86
00:11:32.470 --> 00:11:34.000
Dr. Esther Bubb: Subliminally.
87
00:11:35.290 --> 00:11:38.610
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: You know how you go to the movie theater and they do the whole…
88
00:11:38.610 --> 00:11:38.990
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
89
00:11:38.990 --> 00:11:42.910
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: of, like, the poppin', or the fizz, or the popcorn, yeah.
90
00:11:42.910 --> 00:11:43.310
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
91
00:11:43.310 --> 00:11:44.909
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I'm hoping that works.
92
00:11:44.910 --> 00:11:47.989
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah. Oh, I believe it will, I believe it will.
93
00:11:47.990 --> 00:11:48.510
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Dude!
94
00:11:48.540 --> 00:12:11.140
Dr. Esther Bubb: Oh my goodness, no, I love that. I love that story, and I love that method too, so that's pretty cool. I mean, we all have our ways that we do things, and I love that. That's pretty cute. Yeah, thank you for sharing that with me and our audience. So, speaking of children, let's do a little Bubb brain break, right? Childish thoughts, Tyrrea. So, if your childhood self
95
00:12:11.160 --> 00:12:21.329
Dr. Esther Bubb: could pick a theme song for who you are today. What song is playing in the background that really says, this is Tyrea!
96
00:12:22.920 --> 00:12:29.669
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Well, my life was definitely challenging, so I would say, rise up.
97
00:12:30.080 --> 00:12:34.340
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: By Andrea Day. So, yeah, that's definitely my theme song.
98
00:12:34.800 --> 00:12:42.320
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: When you've been through many challenges and trials and tribulations, you just keep moving forward.
99
00:12:42.320 --> 00:12:44.829
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah. That was… that was a good one, Tyria, yeah.
100
00:12:44.830 --> 00:12:45.720
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yeah.
101
00:12:45.720 --> 00:12:46.779
Dr. Esther Bubb: I love that one for you.
102
00:12:46.780 --> 00:12:49.139
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yeah, looking back on my life and what…
103
00:12:49.350 --> 00:12:56.459
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I've been through, and you know some of it, so it was definitely, definitely rise up.
104
00:12:56.730 --> 00:12:57.829
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, wonderful.
105
00:12:58.000 --> 00:13:03.510
Dr. Esther Bubb: Wonderful, thank you. So let's talk a little bit about the past, you know, Terry, understand the past.
106
00:13:03.850 --> 00:13:21.370
Dr. Esther Bubb: in your book, you know, you talk about past-present, right? So, what role, Tyria, does silence, silence play in preserving trauma? And what role can speaking or truth play in healing? Healing not only ourselves, but even others, right, in our environment.
107
00:13:21.370 --> 00:13:29.100
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yeah, so I'll often say that, silence doesn't erase trauma, it just protects it.
108
00:13:30.380 --> 00:13:31.500
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And…
109
00:13:33.100 --> 00:13:43.810
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I'm just going to use my personal experience, because I… during my book… doing my book events, I'm trying to be more transparent and authentic.
110
00:13:44.020 --> 00:13:44.420
Dr. Esther Bubb: Thank you.
111
00:13:44.420 --> 00:13:51.649
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: One thing's for sure, a lot of people always think that they're the only one that traveled down this road, or they're the only one that went through something.
112
00:13:51.800 --> 00:13:57.530
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: This has been a challenge for me, because… I was often silent.
113
00:13:57.710 --> 00:14:00.270
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And keeping everything in.
114
00:14:00.270 --> 00:14:00.980
Dr. Esther Bubb: Hmm.
115
00:14:00.980 --> 00:14:07.889
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: This… this whole process is causing me to step outside of my comfort zone.
116
00:14:08.020 --> 00:14:08.680
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
117
00:14:08.890 --> 00:14:11.580
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: One of public speaking.
118
00:14:12.350 --> 00:14:18.010
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I mean, I don't mind public speaking, but I would always say that I'm always in the background.
119
00:14:18.420 --> 00:14:18.800
Dr. Esther Bubb: Mmm.
120
00:14:18.800 --> 00:14:24.700
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So… You know, growing up, I kept silent.
121
00:14:24.850 --> 00:14:27.619
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: even dealing with a lot of the things that I dealt with.
122
00:14:27.670 --> 00:14:43.119
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: but not even realizing how it was impacting me in my adulthood, and how it even shaped my personality, and to the woman that I am still becoming. There are different stages. I can see… I work
123
00:14:43.120 --> 00:14:58.310
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I would say for the past 5 years, I worked really hard in trying to change some things about myself as far as, like, self-reflection, self-improvement, and overcoming the trauma. Because I know, again, as a behavior analyst, I have to sometimes
124
00:14:58.880 --> 00:15:00.400
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Be a third person.
125
00:15:00.720 --> 00:15:01.310
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
126
00:15:01.310 --> 00:15:19.479
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: As a behavior analyst, I sit in front of people all the time and talk to them about, you know, families about things that they're going through, and discussing the antecedents and the consequences of how we… why we react, the way we react. But I had to look at myself in the mirror.
127
00:15:19.640 --> 00:15:20.120
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
128
00:15:20.120 --> 00:15:23.130
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And say, it's time for me to do the work.
129
00:15:23.250 --> 00:15:24.490
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: for myself.
130
00:15:25.560 --> 00:15:26.370
Dr. Esther Bubb: Damn.
131
00:15:26.370 --> 00:15:31.830
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: That is not easy, and it's also not easy to put it out in public.
132
00:15:32.630 --> 00:15:33.340
Dr. Esther Bubb: beer.
133
00:15:33.340 --> 00:15:52.600
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: But I know if I can save one person or get one… at least one person to be able to self-reflect and understand that, one, what they're going through, they're not the only one going through it, they're not alone. Two, if I can motivate someone to…
134
00:15:53.390 --> 00:16:02.380
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: you know, help themselves and inspire themselves to take a different path or do something, then so be it. And I just take that charge.
135
00:16:02.380 --> 00:16:02.960
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
136
00:16:04.190 --> 00:16:08.150
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Because I know that if it goes unaddressed.
137
00:16:09.070 --> 00:16:19.089
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: the impact that it can have on your adulthood. And again, we're not even aware of it, and that's where this book came, you know, the idea of this book came from, because
138
00:16:19.570 --> 00:16:20.920
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: these women
139
00:16:21.410 --> 00:16:31.410
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Grew up with these childhood mantras and did not realize how it was impacting the way that they live, the way that they love, the way that they communicate, and the way that they heal.
140
00:16:31.850 --> 00:16:32.550
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
141
00:16:32.550 --> 00:16:44.370
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So just taking a look at that and helping someone else… helping someone else understand and trying to give a voice to the voiceless is the main reason
142
00:16:45.560 --> 00:16:50.340
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: why I want to, you know, speak on unspoken truth, and…
143
00:16:50.790 --> 00:16:54.190
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And the truth about how it plays into our healing.
144
00:16:54.530 --> 00:17:06.589
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, yeah. That was very profound. You talked about, you know, giving voice to the voiceless, right? And as you're talking, like, several themes were running through my head, but one that came to mind was vulnerability.
145
00:17:06.829 --> 00:17:21.930
Dr. Esther Bubb: Because we have to be vulnerable to share our stories, like you're saying, to now be able to speak your truths, to share the unspoken truths. But to me, that's also an unspoken truth from childhood, right? Yes, yes. We were raised to, like, not be vulnerable, to not say anything, to not share this, to keep it in.
146
00:17:21.930 --> 00:17:28.960
Dr. Esther Bubb: And so, you're, you know, reflecting, you talked about the last 5 years, you've been, like, reflecting on yourself and who you're becoming.
147
00:17:28.960 --> 00:17:43.359
Dr. Esther Bubb: And I think for me, Tyria, too, the challenge then for us, receiving the voice, hearing the message, is, are we prepared to receive and hear that voice differently, right? Are we prepared to be open and accept that voice?
148
00:17:43.360 --> 00:17:49.790
Dr. Esther Bubb: Because that voice is telling us something that's different than our own unspoken truths that we, perhaps, are yet to come to terms with.
149
00:17:50.330 --> 00:17:55.309
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yes, yes. Yeah. And I'mma say something interesting,
150
00:17:57.360 --> 00:18:10.420
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: one of the book launches, the moderator asked, and there were some older generations, so we're the generations that's 40… late 40s and 50s. Yes. At the book launch, there were some women that were in their 70s.
151
00:18:10.660 --> 00:18:19.020
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And when the moderator asks them to discuss some… Childhood mantras that they face.
152
00:18:19.690 --> 00:18:23.530
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I noticed… They kind of shut down.
153
00:18:24.060 --> 00:18:24.470
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
154
00:18:24.470 --> 00:18:26.450
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And then some of them got up and left.
155
00:18:27.290 --> 00:18:31.040
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I don't know if anyone noticed, but I did.
156
00:18:31.040 --> 00:18:32.440
Dr. Esther Bubb: Okay.
157
00:18:32.440 --> 00:18:35.900
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And I say that to say, like you said, are people really…
158
00:18:36.310 --> 00:18:42.770
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: able to face it. I don't think their generation is. I think we are the first generation.
159
00:18:42.770 --> 00:18:43.170
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes.
160
00:18:43.170 --> 00:18:44.239
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: That is.
161
00:18:44.660 --> 00:18:45.010
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes.
162
00:18:45.960 --> 00:18:52.320
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And I know it may be hard for, like, my mother, because there's some stuff that has… that she experienced that…
163
00:18:53.130 --> 00:18:56.640
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: She has not shared… the full story.
164
00:18:56.800 --> 00:18:57.230
Dr. Esther Bubb: Pugh.
165
00:18:57.230 --> 00:19:11.010
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: of me growing up, and I would see certain things, like, she was very adamant about certain things, and I was always like, why does she feel that way? And just in bits and pieces, when you go around family, you hear stuff, and I'm like, oh.
166
00:19:11.160 --> 00:19:12.080
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Wow.
167
00:19:12.880 --> 00:19:14.010
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, yes.
168
00:19:14.190 --> 00:19:15.110
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes.
169
00:19:15.410 --> 00:19:18.760
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And… And I want to say to her.
170
00:19:19.330 --> 00:19:22.010
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: You don't want to talk about it? No, I don't want to talk about it.
171
00:19:22.620 --> 00:19:24.489
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Well, how would you…
172
00:19:25.120 --> 00:19:35.019
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: get through it. We… we just don't… but they don't get through it. That was the message that was the message that they received. Like, we don't discuss certain things
173
00:19:35.490 --> 00:19:37.340
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: We don't get therapy.
174
00:19:37.710 --> 00:19:42.079
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: we just… Get along to get along, and keep moving.
175
00:19:42.220 --> 00:19:51.240
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Not knowing the impact of that trauma is just passed down from generation to generation until you have someone that's saying, okay, stop.
176
00:19:51.820 --> 00:19:53.870
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: The buck is gonna stop here.
177
00:19:54.720 --> 00:20:04.969
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I don't want to pass that down to the next generation. And I think we're the first generation that's beginning to make that conscious decision of
178
00:20:06.270 --> 00:20:11.510
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Working those childhood… Generational cycles of trauma.
179
00:20:12.000 --> 00:20:22.040
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, and you, you know, I was smiling as you were saying that, because for me, every time I go home to Grenada Tyrrea, I learn something else, because we always have family gatherings, you know, whenever I'm there.
180
00:20:22.140 --> 00:20:37.039
Dr. Esther Bubb: But I learned something that I didn't know before, and last August, I was home. My sister retired after 40 years of teaching, so she had this grand retirement party, but even in that setting, I was learning things that I never knew! And you're like, whoa, whoa! And you're like, woo!
181
00:20:37.040 --> 00:20:37.720
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yes!
182
00:20:37.720 --> 00:20:51.369
Dr. Esther Bubb: So… so I totally agree with you that we're the generation, because it was people in the family within my generation, you know, that were sharing, you know, the unspoken truths and the unknown, so… and I think it gives us…
183
00:20:51.630 --> 00:20:52.920
Dr. Esther Bubb: a platform.
184
00:20:53.480 --> 00:21:12.809
Dr. Esther Bubb: to really inspire a lot of change, you know, a lot of growth, a lot of, you know, positive impact for people. So, speaking of generational trauma, Terry, Unspoken Truth touches on it, you just touched on it. How do you see trauma being unintentionally passed from one generation to the next?
185
00:21:13.830 --> 00:21:20.140
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Oh, it's easily done. And I'm gonna say, for example, you know when I noticed it, it was funny.
186
00:21:22.110 --> 00:21:27.500
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: My… son… When I say he is my barometer.
187
00:21:27.930 --> 00:21:33.929
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: he was my barometer. I'll never forget, he was, I think he was in his sixth grade.
188
00:21:33.930 --> 00:21:34.640
Dr. Esther Bubb: Okay.
189
00:21:34.640 --> 00:21:36.970
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And it's gonna make you laugh.
190
00:21:37.250 --> 00:21:41.859
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: They said, Mom, how much money you make? And I was like, why are you asking me that?
191
00:21:42.430 --> 00:21:45.070
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: What if you don't ask me that? You don't ask me that!
192
00:21:46.340 --> 00:21:47.630
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I was like, what do you mean?
193
00:21:47.630 --> 00:21:48.616
Dr. Esther Bubb: I know.
194
00:21:49.370 --> 00:21:50.370
Dr. Esther Bubb: I said…
195
00:21:50.370 --> 00:21:55.189
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: You don't ask me how much money I make. He was like, but why? I said, because you don't.
196
00:21:55.450 --> 00:21:58.870
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: He said, but why? I said, because…
197
00:21:59.010 --> 00:22:02.389
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: That's not something you asked! And he said, but why?
198
00:22:03.970 --> 00:22:07.689
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I just kept saying, and he was just like, you didn't answer my question.
199
00:22:07.690 --> 00:22:09.409
Dr. Esther Bubb: You did not.
200
00:22:09.920 --> 00:22:13.889
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And I had to walk away and go in the bathroom.
201
00:22:14.580 --> 00:22:15.450
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Insane.
202
00:22:15.450 --> 00:22:16.030
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
203
00:22:18.200 --> 00:22:21.969
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Why… why is he asking me that? We're not allowed to ask that.
204
00:22:21.970 --> 00:22:22.580
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
205
00:22:22.850 --> 00:22:26.320
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And that's that 8-year-old… little girl.
206
00:22:26.590 --> 00:22:27.240
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
207
00:22:27.450 --> 00:22:30.440
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And I'm like, oh my goodness!
208
00:22:31.200 --> 00:22:33.269
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yeah. Oh, my goodness!
209
00:22:33.890 --> 00:22:44.120
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And then I noticed… In my household growing up, we watched Channel 6 News, ABC News, I don't…
210
00:22:44.700 --> 00:22:47.930
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Never watch CBS or NBC News.
211
00:22:48.960 --> 00:22:49.890
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
212
00:22:50.180 --> 00:22:52.819
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: My brother used Tide.
213
00:22:53.350 --> 00:22:55.069
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I use Tide.
214
00:22:56.060 --> 00:23:01.539
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: My mother made roast beef a certain way, and she would cut a piece off it off.
215
00:23:02.230 --> 00:23:06.410
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And then when I start making roast beef, I cut a piece off.
216
00:23:06.590 --> 00:23:18.339
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And one day, she happened to ask me, why are you cutting that off? I said, because you did it. She said, girl, I cut it off because of the size of pan I had. And I'm like, oh!
217
00:23:20.560 --> 00:23:21.570
Dr. Esther Bubb: Woo!
218
00:23:21.570 --> 00:23:23.560
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: You don't realize…
219
00:23:23.560 --> 00:23:24.310
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
220
00:23:24.310 --> 00:23:27.299
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: how much we took… and my mother,
221
00:23:27.850 --> 00:23:37.149
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: grew up in Alabama, so she saw food scarcity, so she buys stuff in bulks. Everything is in bulks.
222
00:23:37.760 --> 00:23:40.460
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: My husband and my son teased me.
223
00:23:40.660 --> 00:23:41.330
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
224
00:23:41.740 --> 00:23:43.519
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Because I do the same thing.
225
00:23:45.040 --> 00:23:50.170
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So… My son taught me that…
226
00:23:50.480 --> 00:24:02.109
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: unintentionally, we pass this stuff down, and we are not aware of why we're doing it. So I had to literally sit down and talk to him about having a conversation of.
227
00:24:02.800 --> 00:24:10.919
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And I had to tell them how much money I make, and, you know, going through all that, because what I realized is that because we didn't talk about certain things.
228
00:24:11.850 --> 00:24:15.579
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: We were suffering and having the same challenges.
229
00:24:15.850 --> 00:24:22.800
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: When it comes to things like money, because it was taboo to talk about. I mean, and then I noticed every generation.
230
00:24:23.110 --> 00:24:25.529
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Was having money management issues.
231
00:24:25.870 --> 00:24:31.680
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Because we never talked about it. So I had to use that type of scenario in the novel.
232
00:24:31.940 --> 00:24:36.080
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And not to give the book away, but when you read the book.
233
00:24:36.080 --> 00:24:36.700
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
234
00:24:36.700 --> 00:24:43.850
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: one of those… that scenario is used. And it's… it's like, oh my goodness.
235
00:24:44.560 --> 00:24:51.940
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Because we don't even realize how unintentionally It's just patterns of behavior.
236
00:24:52.300 --> 00:24:52.890
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
237
00:24:53.360 --> 00:25:03.129
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: patterns of behavior we do because we saw it being done. And good or bad, you know, we clean. I just sent my son a clip of… it was a mom,
238
00:25:03.440 --> 00:25:10.089
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: she was dropping her son off for college. She had a scrub, mop, and she was scrubbing the walls.
239
00:25:12.800 --> 00:25:16.599
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: He was looking… She was scrubbing.
240
00:25:17.710 --> 00:25:20.260
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Look, pointing anointed oil.
241
00:25:23.410 --> 00:25:26.590
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: You… You know.
242
00:25:26.850 --> 00:25:27.490
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
243
00:25:27.680 --> 00:25:29.960
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: We can laugh, but you know why we laughing?
244
00:25:29.960 --> 00:25:31.340
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, I do, yep.
245
00:25:31.340 --> 00:25:32.480
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: You know why we laughing.
246
00:25:32.480 --> 00:25:34.120
Dr. Esther Bubb: up what you're putting down.
247
00:25:34.940 --> 00:25:38.079
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And he was like, yes, this is you.
248
00:25:42.850 --> 00:25:57.410
Dr. Esther Bubb: That is funny, but, you know, such a good, humorous, creative, story-based way to, to, to share, to share the message you're sharing. For me, it's the reverse. Michaela will be sending me clips!
249
00:25:57.790 --> 00:26:17.179
Dr. Esther Bubb: of things she come across that is, like, that's you, Juan, without her having to say anything. I get the unspoken message, right? But I 100% agree with you, and I got one for you, Tyria, so you did a lot of circular logic, right? With your son, like, you know, the circular reasoning, you weren't answering the question, a little ABA there, but…
250
00:26:17.520 --> 00:26:25.319
Dr. Esther Bubb: Michaela, though, I really appreciate what you said, because Michaela, now that she's getting older, so she'll be 22 on Thursday.
251
00:26:25.340 --> 00:26:40.280
Dr. Esther Bubb: she would say, Mom, I really… I'm starting to realize a lot of the things I do, it's like you, you know, it's the things you do. And so, you know, it really sparks that in my brain, like, you know, is it… is it something that's good, or is it something that, you know, we need to have a conversation about?
252
00:26:40.280 --> 00:26:48.809
Dr. Esther Bubb: But then you also talked about having the conversation with your son about salary, right? But Kayla asked me the same question, too, and I said the same thing to her.
253
00:26:48.990 --> 00:26:57.130
Dr. Esther Bubb: ask me how much I make, right? And then, you know, years pass, and then, you know, we had the conversation, but it really impacts them. And then she'll also say to me.
254
00:26:57.410 --> 00:27:15.539
Dr. Esther Bubb: she uses a lot of colloquialisms that I say that are from Grenada, and then she, you know, her friends might say, well, why are you saying this? And then she realized, well, I don't even know why I'm saying it, and then she'll call me, she's like, Mom, can you help me understand that? So, I think looking at it, you know, in all of the ways you shared, really opens our mind to…
255
00:27:15.540 --> 00:27:19.019
Dr. Esther Bubb: The relationships, the conversations, the communication.
256
00:27:19.020 --> 00:27:25.850
Dr. Esther Bubb: And how are we really helping to impact from in our generation, our children, and, you know, generations to come?
257
00:27:25.850 --> 00:27:34.070
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yes. Yeah. It's a funny thing. It's the good and the bad, and you don't even realize it, but yeah, it's definitely the good and the bad.
258
00:27:34.070 --> 00:27:46.640
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, wonderful. So let's do another Bubborn Breaker, Tyria. So, Healing Seasons, right? If emotional healing, Tyria, were a season of the year, which season would it be and why?
259
00:27:47.920 --> 00:27:51.369
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I would say spring.
260
00:27:52.580 --> 00:27:53.280
Dr. Esther Bubb: Hmm.
261
00:27:54.670 --> 00:28:03.160
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Coming out of the coal, Snowy winter. Going into spring. Springs… spring brings hope.
262
00:28:03.770 --> 00:28:04.400
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
263
00:28:05.200 --> 00:28:13.230
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Spring is the healing, because spring, you start to see everything blossom, and it's like a beautiful…
264
00:28:13.440 --> 00:28:25.859
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: thing. Creativity. It just gives you a pause and help you to appreciate the Creator and all these things. Just like, wow, you see, you know, you've gone through the winter, everything was, you know.
265
00:28:25.930 --> 00:28:41.449
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Covered with snow and this, but then when spring comes, it just gives you, like, a sense of hope and openness and freedom, and just to see the beautiful… as the seasons change, just to see the beautifulness of nature.
266
00:28:41.450 --> 00:28:47.309
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: and creativity. So I would definitely say, the healing is, is, is spring.
267
00:28:47.840 --> 00:29:06.020
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah. I love that metaphor, Ataria, because, you know, as you talked about healing being spring, it reminds me, or I think it also conveys the message that healing is not necessarily linear, right? There are different periods in our life, and so a period of blossoming, a period when, you know, we see more healing and we can experience it and appreciate it more. So, thank you for sharing that.
268
00:29:06.190 --> 00:29:07.290
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yes.
269
00:29:07.420 --> 00:29:15.799
Dr. Esther Bubb: So, on that note, Tyria, let's talk a little bit more. You talked about it a lot today without necessarily pointing it to… by this term, but, like, understanding ourselves, right?
270
00:29:16.490 --> 00:29:31.300
Dr. Esther Bubb: What are some unspoken truths, Tyria, that many adults carry from childhood into their relationships? So, whether it's the parent-child relationships, wife-husband relationship, partner-partner relationship, whatever the relationship might be.
271
00:29:31.590 --> 00:29:33.500
Dr. Esther Bubb: What are some that we carry into?
272
00:29:35.120 --> 00:29:39.180
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Let me say some of the myths. And it definitely…
273
00:29:40.170 --> 00:29:46.480
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: cause and help shape my personality. Number one, should… and I would say…
274
00:29:46.690 --> 00:29:52.420
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Growing up in the 70s, this is what I experienced. Children are to be seen and not heard.
275
00:29:53.100 --> 00:29:53.650
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
276
00:29:54.340 --> 00:29:58.189
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Don't air your dirty la- family's dirty laundry.
277
00:29:59.050 --> 00:30:01.870
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Family First.
278
00:30:03.320 --> 00:30:06.140
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: My needs don't matter. Family first.
279
00:30:06.520 --> 00:30:06.960
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
280
00:30:06.960 --> 00:30:09.120
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: It's a socialist thing, right?
281
00:30:09.120 --> 00:30:09.850
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
282
00:30:11.160 --> 00:30:12.620
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Don't trust anyone.
283
00:30:12.750 --> 00:30:14.250
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: or anybody.
284
00:30:14.940 --> 00:30:16.870
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Don't depend on anyone.
285
00:30:17.660 --> 00:30:18.330
Dr. Esther Bubb: Damn.
286
00:30:18.330 --> 00:30:24.470
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Those are… And also… There's no time for crying.
287
00:30:24.700 --> 00:30:26.760
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah. Yeah.
288
00:30:27.120 --> 00:30:27.930
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes.
289
00:30:27.930 --> 00:30:35.309
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Get up, and let's go, you know? Rub it off, brush, yeah, brush it off, and keep moving. There's no time for…
290
00:30:36.020 --> 00:30:37.000
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: the week.
291
00:30:38.030 --> 00:30:38.550
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
292
00:30:38.550 --> 00:30:40.230
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: It's survival of the fittest.
293
00:30:40.490 --> 00:30:40.840
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
294
00:30:41.830 --> 00:30:45.800
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, I love those. You also made me think of Don't Ask for Help.
295
00:30:46.600 --> 00:30:49.219
Dr. Esther Bubb: Right? Don't say no.
296
00:30:49.370 --> 00:30:53.240
Dr. Esther Bubb: You know, things like that, that we have to take care of everybody.
297
00:30:54.130 --> 00:30:55.940
Dr. Esther Bubb: Everybody else comes first, right?
298
00:30:55.940 --> 00:30:56.550
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yes.
299
00:30:56.550 --> 00:31:02.340
Dr. Esther Bubb: And so, Tyria, there comes a point in our life, you know, which you've shared, but, you know, it's also in your book, that…
300
00:31:02.530 --> 00:31:21.789
Dr. Esther Bubb: we have to ask ourselves, right? Again, just as you shared the story with the beef and your mom, what rule am I following today? I'm thinking even behavior analytically, in terms of rule-governed behavior. What rule am I following today that made sense, or perhaps I thought made sense when I was a child, that really isn't serving me today as an adult, right?
301
00:31:22.030 --> 00:31:22.570
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: That's gonna hold.
302
00:31:22.570 --> 00:31:29.359
Dr. Esther Bubb: may become who I really want to become and I'm meant to become. So we have to have those conversations with ourselves, as you've been saying.
303
00:31:29.770 --> 00:31:39.110
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yes, and one of them is, it seems to be a hot topic, and nobody's really talking about it. I had this conversation with my nephews.
304
00:31:39.110 --> 00:31:39.540
Dr. Esther Bubb: Hmm.
305
00:31:39.540 --> 00:31:41.040
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: We talk about relationships.
306
00:31:44.960 --> 00:31:49.250
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: The need to… how do we get back to being soft?
307
00:31:50.010 --> 00:31:50.800
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
308
00:31:50.940 --> 00:31:55.210
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Or, some of us were never allowed to be soft in the first place.
309
00:31:55.490 --> 00:31:56.230
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes.
310
00:31:56.230 --> 00:32:00.410
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And it's driving a wedge between men and women relationships.
311
00:32:00.640 --> 00:32:01.550
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
312
00:32:01.550 --> 00:32:06.600
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And how did we get here? And I told… I was talking to my nephews, and they were saying, well.
313
00:32:07.070 --> 00:32:13.759
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: you know, women act such a way, and I was just like, okay, so you guys are looking at it from the middle to the end?
314
00:32:13.960 --> 00:32:24.209
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Let's go all the way back to the beginning, and how did we get here? We got here because there's a difference between how young boys were raised and young girls were raised.
315
00:32:25.040 --> 00:32:26.670
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: We were raised totally different.
316
00:32:26.980 --> 00:32:29.979
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And when we say about, you know, family first.
317
00:32:30.970 --> 00:32:36.450
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I'm going to say a couple of things, and you can let me know if you experienced this, or if you agree.
318
00:32:36.790 --> 00:32:37.430
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
319
00:32:37.760 --> 00:32:41.120
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Growing up, Even your male…
320
00:32:41.350 --> 00:32:46.069
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: You know, cousins or whatever, they can get away with stuff that you couldn't get away with.
321
00:32:46.410 --> 00:32:47.360
Dr. Esther Bubb: experienced it.
322
00:32:47.360 --> 00:32:55.519
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yes, okay. If… Let's say, for instance, That was a family outing.
323
00:32:56.560 --> 00:32:59.749
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: You were expected as a female to come to bring something.
324
00:33:00.450 --> 00:33:01.570
Dr. Esther Bubb: Experienced it.
325
00:33:01.570 --> 00:33:02.650
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: They were not.
326
00:33:04.210 --> 00:33:09.349
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: If they have children, they can come to the family outing and drop their kids off.
327
00:33:09.530 --> 00:33:12.450
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And we were expected to watch after them.
328
00:33:13.090 --> 00:33:14.000
Dr. Esther Bubb: Seriously.
329
00:33:14.540 --> 00:33:15.670
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: We were not.
330
00:33:17.390 --> 00:33:19.450
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: There's double standards.
331
00:33:20.130 --> 00:33:27.980
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Right? There's double standards. So… And explaining to my nephews.
332
00:33:28.510 --> 00:33:31.310
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: All of this didn't just happen.
333
00:33:31.470 --> 00:33:38.060
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: It started from the very beginning. We're taught, we're playing with dolls, we're doing teacups, we're taught.
334
00:33:38.060 --> 00:33:38.790
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
335
00:33:39.270 --> 00:33:42.329
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: To be nurturers, to take care of family.
336
00:33:42.820 --> 00:33:49.209
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: They're taught to play with toys, trucks, and be competitive. And then we wonder why.
337
00:33:50.000 --> 00:33:52.050
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: We get to a point where…
338
00:33:53.380 --> 00:34:04.600
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: the softness is taken away. On top of that, you're told, as a young lady, you don't depend on no man, you need to take care of yourself, you do… you know, all of those things. So you got all of that in the back of your mind.
339
00:34:04.780 --> 00:34:05.420
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
340
00:34:05.540 --> 00:34:08.669
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: By the time we're 8 or 9,
341
00:34:09.810 --> 00:34:17.770
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: we're running a… not running a household, but you're taught how to run a household. From cooking, cleaning, looking after your siblings, everything.
342
00:34:18.190 --> 00:34:18.880
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
343
00:34:19.969 --> 00:34:21.249
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: He's also out playing.
344
00:34:23.290 --> 00:34:33.769
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Meanwhile, you're expected to cook, to sew, to do all the things, and you still gotta sit up, look ladylike, be a princess, and do all these things.
345
00:34:33.770 --> 00:34:34.360
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes.
346
00:34:34.520 --> 00:34:35.230
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Right?
347
00:34:35.239 --> 00:34:35.899
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
348
00:34:36.210 --> 00:34:36.730
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So…
349
00:34:36.730 --> 00:34:37.380
Dr. Esther Bubb: experience.
350
00:34:37.650 --> 00:34:42.270
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: This is… these are unspoken truths.
351
00:34:43.179 --> 00:34:51.129
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: That shaped our personalities, And impacts our adulthood.
352
00:34:51.539 --> 00:34:54.159
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Even in how we relate to one another.
353
00:34:54.420 --> 00:34:55.020
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes.
354
00:34:55.739 --> 00:35:02.249
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, how we relate to one another, true, and even our colleagues, right? Even in the workspace, it spills over there, too.
355
00:35:02.530 --> 00:35:03.280
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yes.
356
00:35:03.680 --> 00:35:08.809
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Because, you know, you look at some things, and even at work, like you said, we're…
357
00:35:08.990 --> 00:35:15.490
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: something's happened to people, and they go crying, and everybody's just listening to their tears, where I'm standing myself.
358
00:35:15.970 --> 00:35:17.379
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: That helps out too.
359
00:35:19.310 --> 00:35:20.010
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
360
00:35:23.350 --> 00:35:30.939
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And I'm not a… and I'm not a complainer, so because I'm not a complainer and I can do the work, more work gets put on me, but…
361
00:35:31.150 --> 00:35:31.930
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: No.
362
00:35:32.220 --> 00:35:33.959
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Work is put on this person.
363
00:35:34.270 --> 00:35:34.850
Dr. Esther Bubb: Right.
364
00:35:36.000 --> 00:35:41.029
Dr. Esther Bubb: So, yeah, it happens, yeah. So, so others perpetuate that too, yeah.
365
00:35:41.850 --> 00:35:42.400
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
366
00:35:43.010 --> 00:36:01.489
Dr. Esther Bubb: So, speaking of everything you just said, and, you know, childhood, how we grew up, and also thinking of trauma, how can childhood trauma, Tyrrea, really influence the way we communicate during conflict, during misunderstanding, right? And what helps people begin to have more honest, open.
367
00:36:01.670 --> 00:36:04.590
Dr. Esther Bubb: Authentic, compassionate conversations.
368
00:36:06.240 --> 00:36:10.769
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So I'm gonna say, our childhood experiences often become the blueprint
369
00:36:10.900 --> 00:36:13.379
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And how we handle conflict as adults.
370
00:36:13.640 --> 00:36:23.909
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: If you grew up in a household that communicated, effectively communicate, then more than likely, you would effectively communicate. If you grew up in a household where there was a lot of hollering.
371
00:36:24.760 --> 00:36:25.520
Dr. Esther Bubb: Right.
372
00:36:25.520 --> 00:36:28.619
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Sometimes you will, and sometimes you do the total opposite.
373
00:36:28.930 --> 00:36:29.410
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
374
00:36:29.750 --> 00:36:37.159
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: But… As a behavior analyst, I just learned that our responses make sense.
375
00:36:37.330 --> 00:36:51.050
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: when we understand where they come from. One of the things… talk about transparency. One of the things that I've learned in my own personal experience, and again, this is my vulnerability and transparency.
376
00:36:53.290 --> 00:36:59.090
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: When people experience trauma, They're in survival mode.
377
00:37:00.620 --> 00:37:02.120
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
378
00:37:02.120 --> 00:37:11.220
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: and… about… Three, four years ago, I got a gut punch.
379
00:37:11.980 --> 00:37:13.600
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: From a friend of mine.
380
00:37:13.940 --> 00:37:19.520
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Who said to me, When are you gonna stop being in survival mode?
381
00:37:20.040 --> 00:37:21.312
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And I was like.
382
00:37:23.910 --> 00:37:24.780
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
383
00:37:26.400 --> 00:37:27.150
Dr. Esther Bubb: Deep.
384
00:37:27.730 --> 00:37:34.650
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: She was like, you don't have to… Be that way anymore.
385
00:37:36.560 --> 00:37:39.170
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And I was… Right?
386
00:37:39.840 --> 00:37:41.760
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: She stopped me in my tracks.
387
00:37:41.760 --> 00:37:42.330
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
388
00:37:42.530 --> 00:37:46.390
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And I had to go, and I left her at that time.
389
00:37:46.880 --> 00:37:48.680
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Went and sat in the car.
390
00:37:50.120 --> 00:37:52.350
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And tears just came down my eyes.
391
00:37:52.470 --> 00:38:00.039
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Because it was a realization that I didn't even notice that I was doing, because I have been in it since I was a child.
392
00:38:00.370 --> 00:38:01.160
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
393
00:38:02.290 --> 00:38:12.490
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So… When you're in survival mode, When you're triggered, You team… you tend to…
394
00:38:12.490 --> 00:38:13.990
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, yeah.
395
00:38:15.380 --> 00:38:23.570
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: for more than one way. And the reason being, If you were… abused?
396
00:38:24.630 --> 00:38:33.069
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: You look at it as… Back then, I didn't have any control, and I couldn't defend myself.
397
00:38:33.320 --> 00:38:37.940
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So as an adult, I know I can defend myself, and I'm no longer letting anybody do that.
398
00:38:38.170 --> 00:38:39.590
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yeah. Right.
399
00:38:40.110 --> 00:38:47.439
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Or… It's… No one is going to manipulate me.
400
00:38:47.610 --> 00:38:50.690
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Or do me wrong anymore. So…
401
00:38:50.900 --> 00:38:55.309
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: The way you communicate when you get triggered turns into something else.
402
00:38:55.440 --> 00:38:56.100
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
403
00:38:57.020 --> 00:38:57.820
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
404
00:38:58.660 --> 00:38:59.880
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I see it all the time.
405
00:39:00.350 --> 00:39:00.960
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
406
00:39:01.480 --> 00:39:19.919
Dr. Esther Bubb: And so, that… that was, again, another profound story. I really appreciate all the stories you're sharing, by the way. Thank you so much. And so how would you then… so you experienced someone saying something to you that you recognized in yourself, right? Had to come to the honest realization, cry through it, and you moved on, right? You're in a different, better space right now.
407
00:39:19.940 --> 00:39:24.930
Dr. Esther Bubb: How would you encourage someone who experiences something similar, so someone says something to them.
408
00:39:25.310 --> 00:39:39.480
Dr. Esther Bubb: and they realize it's true, but they're having a hard time moving on, accepting, right, and moving on from that conversation, but then using that conversation to really benefit them and their growth and their trajectory. How would you support somebody through that? Like, what were some of the things you did?
409
00:39:40.090 --> 00:39:43.200
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So I would say, one, I would sit there.
410
00:39:43.460 --> 00:39:47.900
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I'm able to do it, I don't know if it's based on… I think it is.
411
00:39:48.520 --> 00:39:50.640
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I'm in my profession for a reason.
412
00:39:50.910 --> 00:39:51.400
Dr. Esther Bubb: Okay.
413
00:39:51.400 --> 00:39:57.670
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: God don't make any mistakes. Yeah. The psychology background, the behaviorist background.
414
00:39:57.670 --> 00:39:58.350
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
415
00:39:58.350 --> 00:40:02.560
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: All of that helped me to be the person who I am, and to be able to work on myself.
416
00:40:02.900 --> 00:40:13.069
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Now, that's not to say that I didn't get any help. That's not to say that I did go to therapy as well. What I would say to them is to, one.
417
00:40:13.700 --> 00:40:16.000
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Sit down, get a piece of paper.
418
00:40:16.480 --> 00:40:16.980
Dr. Esther Bubb: Hmm.
419
00:40:16.980 --> 00:40:18.130
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Write down.
420
00:40:18.880 --> 00:40:20.629
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Just ask yourself some questions.
421
00:40:20.780 --> 00:40:21.480
Dr. Esther Bubb: Okay.
422
00:40:21.480 --> 00:40:23.200
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Why does this trigger you?
423
00:40:23.640 --> 00:40:27.420
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: When was the first time you realized that this triggered you?
424
00:40:28.090 --> 00:40:32.900
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And then also, On the other side of the paper.
425
00:40:34.380 --> 00:40:38.830
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: In a perfect world, what type of person do you want to be?
426
00:40:39.470 --> 00:40:41.740
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: What are those characteristics?
427
00:40:42.730 --> 00:40:43.360
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
428
00:40:43.740 --> 00:40:48.849
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And then work backwards on how to build to each one of those characteristics.
429
00:40:49.190 --> 00:40:50.990
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And give yourself some grace.
430
00:40:51.090 --> 00:40:51.810
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
431
00:40:51.880 --> 00:40:56.610
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Give yourself some grace, because as a child, you didn't know any better.
432
00:40:58.810 --> 00:41:06.919
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So, it took all these years of you exercising in this way to be this way, so it's not gonna happen overnight.
433
00:41:07.800 --> 00:41:10.079
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Let's just tackle one thing at one time.
434
00:41:10.480 --> 00:41:21.500
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: maybe this year, have a theme. I have themes, and like you said, it's funny about the song, right? Pick a song, and pick a… and pick a season. You could…
435
00:41:22.130 --> 00:41:26.839
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: That's a good way of helping you through… getting through your trauma.
436
00:41:27.170 --> 00:41:27.830
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
437
00:41:27.830 --> 00:41:28.930
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: the season.
438
00:41:29.070 --> 00:41:30.340
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: the song.
439
00:41:30.740 --> 00:41:41.729
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: the theme. What theme are you going to be? Like, you know, most people wait for New Year's resolutions. I kind of do it… I do it on my birthday.
440
00:41:42.130 --> 00:41:43.849
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Because that's my anniversary.
441
00:41:43.850 --> 00:41:44.440
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
442
00:41:44.590 --> 00:41:53.259
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And I set goals. What is it that I want to work on this year? So just pick a theme, or this, this, this year, I'm going to work on gratitude.
443
00:41:53.660 --> 00:42:00.339
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: This year, I'm going to work on… Controlling my tongue.
444
00:42:00.940 --> 00:42:03.550
Dr. Esther Bubb: That's a good one.
445
00:42:05.170 --> 00:42:12.509
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: This year, I'm gonna work on not gossiping. Like, pick a theme. And like I said, it's not overnight.
446
00:42:12.630 --> 00:42:14.490
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Just work on it every day.
447
00:42:14.880 --> 00:42:22.959
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: First thing, I wake up and I say, God, thank you for the opportunity, for allowing me another day to do your will, for another opportunity to get it right.
448
00:42:23.220 --> 00:42:23.940
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yeah. Right?
449
00:42:23.940 --> 00:42:25.289
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes, yes, yeah.
450
00:42:25.290 --> 00:42:26.630
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: What's the first thing I say in the morning?
451
00:42:26.630 --> 00:42:27.270
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
452
00:42:27.950 --> 00:42:44.180
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And we're not perfect. You know, you're gonna back, you know, relapse, that's okay. Just every minute, you can… it's a… hit the reset button. And I say this all the time to teachers and the students, the reset button. Let's hit the reset button together. Yeah. You know?
453
00:42:44.180 --> 00:42:44.840
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes, yes.
454
00:42:44.840 --> 00:42:45.460
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Research button.
455
00:42:45.460 --> 00:42:46.480
Dr. Esther Bubb: don't need it, yeah.
456
00:42:46.480 --> 00:42:56.389
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Because as a behavior analyst, we have to hit the reset button all the time, because we're interacting with kids who could hit, spit, kick on you, and then, you know.
457
00:42:56.940 --> 00:43:05.569
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And then the next minute, they're blowing kisses, and you have to be able to do that. Especially when you have… when you work with emotional
458
00:43:05.930 --> 00:43:07.640
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Disruptive disorder, children.
459
00:43:07.640 --> 00:43:08.310
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
460
00:43:08.330 --> 00:43:17.149
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I always tell parents and teachers that these children are acting out to see if you stand strong, and to see if you care.
461
00:43:17.150 --> 00:43:17.920
Dr. Esther Bubb: Hmm, I…
462
00:43:17.920 --> 00:43:27.209
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Because the minute you give up, they gonna say, see, I told you you didn't care. So when I'm working with those students, I always say, I'mma stay here, and I love you.
463
00:43:27.990 --> 00:43:34.579
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I love you. You could call me a name, you could kit, I love you, and I'mma be right here when you're ready.
464
00:43:35.010 --> 00:43:35.440
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
465
00:43:35.440 --> 00:43:44.369
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And they're just… as children, they're just trying to… it's not their fault, they're getting all that anger and stuff out. So just staying strong, and knowing that
466
00:43:44.880 --> 00:43:59.059
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: your journey is… is a journey in itself. Your whole life is a journey. Sometimes you're gonna have good moments, sometimes you're gonna have bad moments, but in order to continue to grow, just working on yourself.
467
00:43:59.220 --> 00:44:16.270
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Just picking little things to work at. One… just chisel at it. One, you know… one month you may work on this, the next month you may work on something else, but never give up, because again, you've been doing this for how long? You've been living this way for how long? So it's going to take some time to…
468
00:44:17.140 --> 00:44:22.030
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Unwind and get rid of those bad habits or characteristics.
469
00:44:22.030 --> 00:44:30.140
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, yeah, I love that. Such a, such a good way to envelope that response, Tyria. Wrapped it up nicely with a bow.
470
00:44:30.560 --> 00:44:55.450
Dr. Esther Bubb: But I love, you know, the suggestion of the theme. I love the suggestion of writing everything down. I told Michaela that all this time, and she'd be like, Mom, like, write it down, write it down, you know? Because, you know, it's something you want to work on, right? So I like that, but I appreciated that you shared as behavior analysts, and I'm thinking in my mind, what comes to my mind is, like, emotional code switching, right? Like, right in this moment, this person is angry, and the next moment, they're very loving, and we're faced with
471
00:44:55.450 --> 00:44:59.030
Dr. Esther Bubb: This emotional back and forth, the pendulum, right, all the time.
472
00:44:59.030 --> 00:45:05.489
Dr. Esther Bubb: And at the end of the day, we're humans too, and so we have to take the time, like you said, to sit, to reset, to reflect.
473
00:45:06.020 --> 00:45:25.940
Dr. Esther Bubb: or into ourselves, because if we don't, then we could be, you know, developing, like, new traumas, right? Based on all of those things, and so we are in these positions that we're faced with so much, from so many different angles, right? Students, parents, staff, supervisors, but we have to be able to, just like you said, Terry, give ourselves grace.
474
00:45:26.200 --> 00:45:30.109
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And you have to be able to know what your maximum capacity is.
475
00:45:30.110 --> 00:45:30.900
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
476
00:45:32.270 --> 00:45:36.310
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: 3 years ago, I was sexually assaulted by a student.
477
00:45:37.010 --> 00:45:37.790
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
478
00:45:39.820 --> 00:45:42.729
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And that… Put me through a tailspin.
479
00:45:43.050 --> 00:45:43.710
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
480
00:45:44.180 --> 00:45:47.449
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: That is the… that was the year that I started taking mental health days.
481
00:45:47.950 --> 00:45:48.930
Dr. Esther Bubb: Hmm…
482
00:45:49.390 --> 00:45:54.610
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Because you know what they say, you have to… In order to…
483
00:45:54.760 --> 00:45:59.580
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: help others, you know, when you're on an airplane, they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first.
484
00:45:59.580 --> 00:46:00.200
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
485
00:46:00.200 --> 00:46:07.800
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Before you help others. I learned my limitation and boundaries, so I know when I am depleted.
486
00:46:08.010 --> 00:46:13.729
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: It's time for me to take a mental health day, because I am not… I'm not of good service to anyone.
487
00:46:14.370 --> 00:46:17.200
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: if I'm not fully…
488
00:46:19.060 --> 00:46:25.119
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: fully geared up to deal with the emotional toll that I had to deal with on the job.
489
00:46:25.420 --> 00:46:25.840
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
490
00:46:25.840 --> 00:46:31.769
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And if I don't, that may come out in different ways. I might communicate with you differently on that day.
491
00:46:32.020 --> 00:46:51.150
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And then you'll look at me and be like, well, what is wrong with… what is wrong with her? You know, so I know… I'm learning my boundaries and limitations, so we all need to learn our boundaries and limitations, and know our mental capacity… our maximum capacity of when it's time to reset
492
00:46:51.410 --> 00:46:54.820
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And, you know, like your grandma used to say, go sit down somewhere.
493
00:46:58.200 --> 00:46:59.249
Dr. Esther Bubb: Cool off, yeah.
494
00:46:59.250 --> 00:47:00.560
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yeah, go sit down somewhere.
495
00:47:02.880 --> 00:47:22.399
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, yeah, so, so true, Tyria. We have to… we have to be able to do that. And, you know, you made me think of, like, setting events, right? But, like, practicing the practice on ourselves, so we would want people to tell us what happened, so we're like, we can identify the certain events, that makes it more likely that behaviors are gonna be hap… behaviors are gonna happen.
496
00:47:22.400 --> 00:47:34.510
Dr. Esther Bubb: we have to be able to identify our own setting events, like you said, and like you, like, maybe about 5 years ago now, I started doing a lot of things differently, including taking mental health days, taking my lunch, right? You know, I spent so many years.
497
00:47:34.510 --> 00:47:35.210
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yes.
498
00:47:35.210 --> 00:47:41.490
Dr. Esther Bubb: or not taking my lunch, like, started doing those things because I came to the realization, Tyrrea, that we are all replaceable.
499
00:47:41.600 --> 00:47:48.610
Dr. Esther Bubb: Right? So, we have to be able to take care of ourselves, but then, just as you said, pour into ourselves first.
500
00:47:48.720 --> 00:47:51.020
Dr. Esther Bubb: put on our air bag first,
501
00:47:51.280 --> 00:47:56.559
Dr. Esther Bubb: Or oxygen mask first, because if we can't take care of ourselves, we can't take care of anybody else.
502
00:47:57.180 --> 00:47:57.540
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Absolutely.
503
00:47:57.540 --> 00:48:02.359
Dr. Esther Bubb: So, I think that also, too, Terry, is an unspoken truth, right?
504
00:48:02.460 --> 00:48:03.350
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Absolutely.
505
00:48:03.350 --> 00:48:12.600
Dr. Esther Bubb: grew up with, like, you gotta help everybody else, and no one ever really took the time to tell you to help yourself and take care of yourself, and that's, you know, influences how we live our lives today.
506
00:48:12.600 --> 00:48:18.280
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yeah, because we see our parents… I see… I remember when I first got married, I used to go in the bathroom and cry.
507
00:48:18.460 --> 00:48:21.060
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And I used to say, how did my mother do all this?
508
00:48:21.060 --> 00:48:21.890
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
509
00:48:21.890 --> 00:48:30.490
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And she never… I never saw her cry, so something must be wrong with me, that I'm crying. And I had finally had a conversation with her. She was like, oh, yeah, I cried.
510
00:48:30.650 --> 00:48:31.800
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: You just didn't see me!
511
00:48:31.800 --> 00:48:32.900
Dr. Esther Bubb: Just yet, yeah.
512
00:48:32.900 --> 00:48:39.299
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I was just like, well, you should have told me you cried, because I'm sitting here thinking that I have to be Superwoman.
513
00:48:39.300 --> 00:48:41.190
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes, yes, yes.
514
00:48:41.190 --> 00:48:43.369
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: To keep all of this afloat.
515
00:48:43.600 --> 00:48:44.090
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
516
00:48:44.090 --> 00:48:46.369
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And she told me all the time.
517
00:48:46.520 --> 00:48:50.010
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Slow down. Slow down. Slow down.
518
00:48:50.190 --> 00:48:54.500
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yeah, she keeps reminding me, she said, because if I, you know, if I had to do it all over again.
519
00:48:54.780 --> 00:48:58.219
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I would have took the time out for myself.
520
00:48:59.430 --> 00:49:00.980
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, yeah.
521
00:49:01.090 --> 00:49:07.009
Dr. Esther Bubb: Thank you for sharing that story, Tyria. On that note, let's do another Bubbring break, right?
522
00:49:07.010 --> 00:49:07.969
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Huh? Correct.
523
00:49:07.970 --> 00:49:17.939
Dr. Esther Bubb: to fast track, so which unspoken Truths character, Tyria, Zuri, Tracy, or Amara, is most likely to send a 10-paragraph text message?
524
00:49:20.440 --> 00:49:22.480
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Definitely Tracy.
525
00:49:24.040 --> 00:49:26.019
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Because she's the journalist.
526
00:49:26.270 --> 00:49:27.060
Dr. Esther Bubb: Okay.
527
00:49:27.470 --> 00:49:28.060
Dr. Esther Bubb: Mmm.
528
00:49:28.060 --> 00:49:29.249
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: She's a journalist.
529
00:49:29.250 --> 00:49:30.860
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, that makes sense.
530
00:49:30.860 --> 00:49:36.589
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And the dynamics of… you probably… and that's okay, you didn't get a chance to read the book.
531
00:49:36.590 --> 00:49:37.970
Dr. Esther Bubb: I started, I didn't finish yet.
532
00:49:38.890 --> 00:49:49.270
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yeah. So, I don't want to get too much into it. The dynamics of the characters are… I wanted to make sure it was very intentional. So, you read the prologue, right?
533
00:49:49.270 --> 00:49:50.659
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes, yes, yes.
534
00:49:50.660 --> 00:49:53.950
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So, if you think back to Tracy's childhood mantra.
535
00:49:53.950 --> 00:49:54.600
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
536
00:49:56.010 --> 00:49:58.119
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Is it ironic that she's a journalist?
537
00:49:59.150 --> 00:49:59.800
Dr. Esther Bubb: No.
538
00:50:00.360 --> 00:50:01.540
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yeah.
539
00:50:01.540 --> 00:50:02.230
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
540
00:50:02.430 --> 00:50:17.469
Dr. Esther Bubb: Not at all, not at all, yeah. Yeah, I agree with that, I agree with that, yeah. And then, you know, on a funny note, just cracking a joke, but is her text going to be trauma-informed communication or behavioral extinction burst, right?
541
00:50:20.250 --> 00:50:27.899
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Behavioral extension birds, and… When you dive into the book, you'll see why.
542
00:50:28.120 --> 00:50:29.040
Dr. Esther Bubb: Okay, okay.
543
00:50:29.040 --> 00:50:34.629
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yeah, there's, there's a… There's a pivotal scene.
544
00:50:34.990 --> 00:50:35.860
Dr. Esther Bubb: Okay.
545
00:50:36.620 --> 00:50:38.570
Dr. Esther Bubb: Alright, I'll circle back to you, my dear.
546
00:50:38.570 --> 00:50:40.720
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yes, yes, yes, yes.
547
00:50:40.720 --> 00:50:52.910
Dr. Esther Bubb: All right, let's talk about leading with awareness, you know, Tyrrea. Okay. You know, we're having all this conversation, we're becoming more aware, our audience is going to become more aware as they're listening to this, as they read your book, actually.
548
00:50:53.380 --> 00:50:58.339
Dr. Esther Bubb: How can unresolved childhood trauma influence someone's leadership style?
549
00:50:59.580 --> 00:51:07.029
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Oh, yes, definitely. It's… I must just use myself, transparency.
550
00:51:07.230 --> 00:51:07.830
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
551
00:51:08.400 --> 00:51:09.900
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I'm a workaholic.
552
00:51:11.780 --> 00:51:13.360
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And a perfectionist.
553
00:51:13.720 --> 00:51:14.360
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
554
00:51:14.620 --> 00:51:22.030
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And sometimes I have to realize that everybody's work ethic It's not similar to mine.
555
00:51:22.350 --> 00:51:22.990
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
556
00:51:23.560 --> 00:51:31.459
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And in leadership, you have to leave room for different… capacity… different capacities. Yeah.
557
00:51:32.670 --> 00:51:34.050
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: As a leader.
558
00:51:34.250 --> 00:51:47.400
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And what helps us as a leader, as behavior analysts, is because we understand patterns of behavior, so we're always observant. So one thing that helps me as a leader is to understand patterns of behavior.
559
00:51:49.020 --> 00:51:53.640
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And knowing my personnel's maximum capacity.
560
00:51:54.720 --> 00:51:55.390
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
561
00:51:56.920 --> 00:51:59.250
Dr. Esther Bubb: what happens, Tyria, if…
562
00:51:59.970 --> 00:52:13.149
Dr. Esther Bubb: the particular leadership style, right, based on this leader's past and their childhood, is really undermining the logical of the group or the organization. How do we address that?
563
00:52:15.480 --> 00:52:17.619
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: How do we address that?
564
00:52:18.010 --> 00:52:20.780
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: As the employee, or…
565
00:52:20.780 --> 00:52:32.709
Dr. Esther Bubb: Or as a colleague, so as a colleague. So, say it's me and you, we're colleagues, we work together as behavior analysts, we're at the same school, and I know some of it, but some of it I don't know, right? But I have this knowledge that you're sharing with me today, right?
566
00:52:32.710 --> 00:52:33.550
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Okay.
567
00:52:33.550 --> 00:52:36.720
Dr. Esther Bubb: you're sharing in your book, how should I approach
568
00:52:36.970 --> 00:52:47.949
Dr. Esther Bubb: you know, having a conversation with that person, because I realized that whatever is happening, there may be on the line unspoken truths that I'm not aware of, but what I can understand is it's impacting.
569
00:52:48.080 --> 00:52:49.440
Dr. Esther Bubb: forward movements.
570
00:52:51.060 --> 00:52:57.060
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I will go from, you know how I use storytelling?
571
00:52:57.220 --> 00:52:58.500
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, yeah.
572
00:52:59.700 --> 00:53:01.190
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I would take that approach.
573
00:53:01.500 --> 00:53:07.900
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And instead of storytelling, I will take the approach of… Tell me about your childhood.
574
00:53:09.580 --> 00:53:10.400
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
575
00:53:11.220 --> 00:53:26.720
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And then take notes from that, and then just throw those pro… put your BA hat on. Throw those little probing questions. Well, based on that, do you think that kind of, helped shape your personality into this?
576
00:53:26.950 --> 00:53:27.300
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
577
00:53:27.300 --> 00:53:34.330
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Just to, you know, see what they say. Just help… you're helping them do that self-reflection, because it definitely… it does shape you.
578
00:53:34.490 --> 00:53:35.040
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
579
00:53:35.040 --> 00:53:36.740
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: It definitely does shape you.
580
00:53:36.860 --> 00:53:37.220
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
581
00:53:37.220 --> 00:53:39.460
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And, and because I see it in myself.
582
00:53:39.610 --> 00:53:40.190
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
583
00:53:40.400 --> 00:53:41.980
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I definitely see it in myself.
584
00:53:42.290 --> 00:53:47.169
Dr. Esther Bubb: And what you've just shared there is essentially avoiding labeling this person, right?
585
00:53:47.570 --> 00:53:56.610
Dr. Esther Bubb: as difficult, or avoidant, or whatever the label we might choose to put on them is, but instead trying to uncover those maintaining contingencies through storytelling.
586
00:53:57.000 --> 00:54:11.869
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yes, yes. Yeah, and the… here's a good thing to think about, like, self-awareness is one of the greatest leadership skills, because you can't change patterns you don't recognize. So, as a colleague.
587
00:54:12.360 --> 00:54:16.340
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: You're helping that person to become self-aware.
588
00:54:16.340 --> 00:54:17.050
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
589
00:54:17.330 --> 00:54:25.289
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: The little intricacies or the challenges that Their co-workers have.
590
00:54:25.570 --> 00:54:26.880
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: with them.
591
00:54:27.040 --> 00:54:27.420
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
592
00:54:27.420 --> 00:54:30.369
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: In a way that is not luxury.
593
00:54:30.550 --> 00:54:34.729
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Remember, we talked about that in the beginning. Yes. It's more so,
594
00:54:36.300 --> 00:54:52.450
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: storytelling, or just through regular conversation piece, on a more empathetic and understanding side of just trying to get to know them. So then that way, doing that approach, it brings down the defense walls.
595
00:54:52.830 --> 00:54:53.240
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
596
00:54:53.240 --> 00:55:04.500
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: As opposed to coming up and saying, well, you made this person feel X, Y, and Z. It's, tell me about your childhood, tell me about how did you grow up. Like, what are your core principles?
597
00:55:04.500 --> 00:55:04.910
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
598
00:55:04.910 --> 00:55:09.970
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: as a leader, what do you… what do you think a…
599
00:55:10.360 --> 00:55:15.979
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: What is your idea of a successful candidate or a successful co-worker?
600
00:55:16.120 --> 00:55:20.879
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: just… Accident probing questions such as that will…
601
00:55:21.020 --> 00:55:24.670
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: allowed them to, I believe, to answer more authentic.
602
00:55:24.990 --> 00:55:25.690
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
603
00:55:25.690 --> 00:55:29.139
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And… less defensive.
604
00:55:29.750 --> 00:55:42.259
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, wonderful. So, on that note of self-awareness, Tyria, how does healing, right, we've been talking about childhood trauma, healing from it, knowing that we've experienced it or others have experienced it, how does it influence
605
00:55:42.450 --> 00:55:46.079
Dr. Esther Bubb: A leader's self-awareness and their emotional intelligence.
606
00:55:49.410 --> 00:55:52.600
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I think it's about intentions and choices.
607
00:55:52.980 --> 00:55:53.650
Dr. Esther Bubb: Hmm.
608
00:55:53.650 --> 00:55:59.410
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: emotional… to me, emotional intelligence is never…
609
00:56:00.380 --> 00:56:03.319
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: You're gonna get frustrated, you're gonna get overwhelmed.
610
00:56:03.550 --> 00:56:04.170
Dr. Esther Bubb: Right.
611
00:56:05.230 --> 00:56:12.280
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: But it's… at that point, you have a choice in which direction you're going to go or take.
612
00:56:12.700 --> 00:56:17.570
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: It's more so about thinking through.
613
00:56:17.920 --> 00:56:18.580
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
614
00:56:19.350 --> 00:56:20.810
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Before you react.
615
00:56:21.060 --> 00:56:22.850
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And sometimes it's hard.
616
00:56:23.000 --> 00:56:26.209
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And that is one of the things that I'm working on now.
617
00:56:26.340 --> 00:56:27.000
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
618
00:56:27.300 --> 00:56:30.280
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: is thinking through before I react.
619
00:56:31.480 --> 00:56:34.369
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Taking pause in between.
620
00:56:34.900 --> 00:56:36.890
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: my conversations.
621
00:56:37.170 --> 00:56:41.809
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: To make sure I'm seeing what I… what I am thinking that I am seeing.
622
00:56:42.480 --> 00:56:43.120
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
623
00:56:43.120 --> 00:56:49.630
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Also, to make sure that my… Face in my words.
624
00:56:50.030 --> 00:56:51.480
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: are congruent.
625
00:56:51.540 --> 00:56:53.210
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
626
00:56:55.200 --> 00:57:01.110
Dr. Esther Bubb: Oh my goodness, I love that. 100% agree, 101%.
627
00:57:01.110 --> 00:57:05.669
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Because one day… One day, I was at an event.
628
00:57:06.230 --> 00:57:19.699
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And a colleague was standing next to me, and two people that I used to work with walked past, and I was like, hey, how y'all doing? And they said, hey, and the girl next to me, she said,
629
00:57:20.340 --> 00:57:28.780
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Their smile didn't meet their eyes. We both… I said, did you see that, too? We both… we both bust out laughing.
630
00:57:33.080 --> 00:57:42.589
Dr. Esther Bubb: Oh my goodness, that was an awesome story. I really appreciate all the stories you're sharing, Perry, I mean… Because they all resonate with me, that's for sure.
631
00:57:44.800 --> 00:57:48.619
Dr. Esther Bubb: They're so true, so real, oh my goodness, yeah, thank you, thank you.
632
00:57:48.620 --> 00:57:49.190
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yes.
633
00:57:49.190 --> 00:57:52.040
Dr. Esther Bubb: Oh, yeah.
634
00:57:52.040 --> 00:57:54.589
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Sure, everything is aligned.
635
00:57:55.740 --> 00:57:59.390
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes, yes, ma'am. Amen to that. Amen. Amen, sister.
636
00:57:59.390 --> 00:58:03.070
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And again, like I said, he's not done with me yet.
637
00:58:03.070 --> 00:58:16.209
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, yeah, me, yep, yep, still a work in progress, still a whip, yeah. Oh my goodness. But your response, though, made me think, because you said, you know, we have a choice.
638
00:58:17.020 --> 00:58:33.650
Dr. Esther Bubb: But I wanted to add to that, to just reinforce what you said earlier, that we have to be able to be self-aware, to know ourselves, to know what triggers us, right? And know… get that signal, once we see that signal. So, if I can just give an analogy, I got the signal.
639
00:58:34.290 --> 00:58:37.569
Dr. Esther Bubb: Today's Sunday, so Saturday… no, Friday.
640
00:58:37.930 --> 00:58:39.880
Dr. Esther Bubb: That my oil needed to be changed.
641
00:58:40.000 --> 00:58:50.280
Dr. Esther Bubb: But I saw the signal, that light came over my dashboard, and if I had missed that, my choice in how I, you know, whether I chose to take the car to the shop or keep driving would be different, because I missed the signal.
642
00:58:50.280 --> 00:59:15.109
Dr. Esther Bubb: So I saw the signal, I went to the car shop that I always go to yesterday, but he was closed. So I went to the one across the street, and there was this long… it was in Philly. There was this long line, and I'm pulling up, and like, the trolley is coming, honking at me, and I'm like, like, I ain't got time for this. I'm like, I'm going back home, and I'll go next weekend, because I'm like, I… it's, you know, it just… the 15%, you know, signal just came up. I'm like, I could drive for one more week, and I'll be fine. So, but I got the signal Tyrrea.
643
00:59:15.420 --> 00:59:28.769
Dr. Esther Bubb: And that then sort of dictated the choices that I made, right? Did I take the time that next day to take the car to the car shop, you know, going back, whatever the case might be? But often we miss those signals, and if we can get those signals before
644
00:59:28.940 --> 00:59:34.169
Dr. Esther Bubb: Whatever it is becomes something bigger and out of control, it can make such a world of a difference.
645
00:59:34.850 --> 00:59:43.699
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yes, and what is interesting, I did read that you were doing a, like, a leadership academy, something like that, all the things that they didn't teach you.
646
00:59:45.670 --> 00:59:47.179
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Here's an idea.
647
00:59:49.090 --> 00:59:51.390
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: In leadership and in management.
648
00:59:51.760 --> 00:59:52.390
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
649
00:59:52.770 --> 00:59:57.810
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: We oftentimes, even in education, oftentimes, just because you're good at something.
650
00:59:58.140 --> 00:59:59.840
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: That'll mean you can lead at it.
651
01:00:00.140 --> 01:00:00.630
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes.
652
01:00:00.630 --> 01:00:07.490
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: How many times have we sat in, in, in college, where… Our professors are brainiacs.
653
01:00:07.590 --> 01:00:09.100
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: But they couldn't teach.
654
01:00:09.100 --> 01:00:10.790
Dr. Esther Bubb: Teach. Okay.
655
01:00:10.790 --> 01:00:11.390
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Right?
656
01:00:13.150 --> 01:00:17.790
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes, ma'am!
657
01:00:17.790 --> 01:00:37.040
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Okay, so in order to be a teacher to me, and when I taught at Women's University, I used to always tell my class, if you don't understand the way that I am teaching it, let me know. Raise your hand. Because we all process information differently. I know how I am. I could explain it a different way. I will explain it whatever way until you get it.
658
01:00:37.390 --> 01:00:37.760
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
659
01:00:37.760 --> 01:00:44.690
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Because so many times, I went through school thinking that I wasn't as smart, just because the way the information was presented.
660
01:00:44.970 --> 01:00:45.580
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
661
01:00:45.580 --> 01:00:46.969
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I say that to say.
662
01:00:48.120 --> 01:00:53.100
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: There's not a lot of time and effort put into Leadership.
663
01:00:53.510 --> 01:00:54.130
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
664
01:00:56.610 --> 01:01:01.030
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: To me, coming from a behavioral analyst, and you as well.
665
01:01:01.270 --> 01:01:01.870
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
666
01:01:02.140 --> 01:01:03.500
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: When you are…
667
01:01:04.310 --> 01:01:15.299
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: becoming a leader, I think you should take a class. And taking a class on… one of the first things that you should do is similar to… I remember my son started kindergarten.
668
01:01:15.560 --> 01:01:16.100
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
669
01:01:16.100 --> 01:01:27.080
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: when he started the kindergarten, I loved his teacher. She… she was the Holy Grail. She set the bar. The first thing she did was she test each student's learning style.
670
01:01:27.500 --> 01:01:28.140
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
671
01:01:28.840 --> 01:01:32.920
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: That helped me throughout his education. Here's why.
672
01:01:33.330 --> 01:01:35.210
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: He was an auditory learner.
673
01:01:35.630 --> 01:01:37.429
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I'm a visual learner.
674
01:01:37.930 --> 01:01:38.710
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
675
01:01:38.710 --> 01:01:44.649
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: if I'm home, and he needs help with homework, and he's not getting it. I'm presenting it based on…
676
01:01:44.800 --> 01:01:46.220
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: What works for me.
677
01:01:46.760 --> 01:01:54.280
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Again, like I said, God has a sense of humor, because my son has taught me so much about myself.
678
01:01:55.740 --> 01:02:03.299
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: since he was an auditory learner, I knew how to present stuff to him so he could get it. Imagine if I was trying to present to him
679
01:02:04.070 --> 01:02:05.420
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: my way?
680
01:02:05.420 --> 01:02:06.060
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
681
01:02:06.690 --> 01:02:12.789
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I think when he got to high school, he, again, when I study, I need silence.
682
01:02:12.980 --> 01:02:13.720
Dr. Esther Bubb: Mmm.
683
01:02:13.950 --> 01:02:26.830
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: He would be in the room, music on, TV on, he's writing a paper. I go in there, this is too much, this is too much for me. How can you concentrate? Turn this stuff off. And you know what he said to me?
684
01:02:27.300 --> 01:02:28.880
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: This is my system.
685
01:02:29.110 --> 01:02:31.190
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Your system don't work for me.
686
01:02:31.350 --> 01:02:35.250
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And I was like, Okay.
687
01:02:37.820 --> 01:02:46.470
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So, that's why I say God has a sense of humor, because my son taught me so much. And I say that to say, as leaders.
688
01:02:46.570 --> 01:02:53.109
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: The first thing they should know, and this is something that you could incorporate in your session, is
689
01:02:54.770 --> 01:02:56.810
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: What we're talking about right now.
690
01:02:57.230 --> 01:02:57.840
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
691
01:02:58.350 --> 01:03:03.040
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Because as a leader, the first thing you need to know is your triggers.
692
01:03:03.360 --> 01:03:04.540
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, yeah.
693
01:03:04.540 --> 01:03:06.080
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Things that you're carrying.
694
01:03:06.320 --> 01:03:06.950
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
695
01:03:07.570 --> 01:03:09.350
Dr. Esther Bubb: Right? Yeah. Yeah.
696
01:03:09.350 --> 01:03:16.849
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: In order to be effective to everyone else, and in order to be able to navigate around all of the people under you.
697
01:03:17.750 --> 01:03:21.560
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: to be successful as a whole team. No one is talking about that.
698
01:03:21.880 --> 01:03:22.460
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
699
01:03:22.900 --> 01:03:25.699
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I went through… we went through an IMAP,
700
01:03:25.900 --> 01:03:31.600
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: training for the team. They do IMAP now, it's based on personalities and everything.
701
01:03:31.600 --> 01:03:32.600
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes, yes, yes.
702
01:03:32.600 --> 01:03:37.090
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And of course, mine was… I'm aggressive.
703
01:03:38.420 --> 01:03:41.939
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And everybody was… and all the people that were aggressive.
704
01:03:42.180 --> 01:03:42.820
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
705
01:03:43.440 --> 01:03:46.379
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: They were making sarcastic remarks about.
706
01:03:47.950 --> 01:03:55.189
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Then I said, What is interesting is, why is the person that's labeled aggressive the bad person?
707
01:03:55.580 --> 01:03:56.760
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: to me.
708
01:03:58.390 --> 01:04:05.059
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: In my eyes, the way I see things, you have the people… I forgot, what were they called? The people… I call them…
709
01:04:05.500 --> 01:04:07.390
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: The people that blow with the wind.
710
01:04:07.690 --> 01:04:09.119
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah. Oh, right.
711
01:04:09.480 --> 01:04:10.690
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: People pleasers.
712
01:04:10.820 --> 01:04:11.430
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
713
01:04:12.150 --> 01:04:15.150
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: to me, They're the danger.
714
01:04:15.650 --> 01:04:17.050
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Dangerous ones.
715
01:04:17.880 --> 01:04:18.540
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes.
716
01:04:18.850 --> 01:04:20.480
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Because they're not authentic.
717
01:04:20.480 --> 01:04:21.650
Dr. Esther Bubb: Right.
718
01:04:21.650 --> 01:04:22.799
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: On your face?
719
01:04:22.930 --> 01:04:23.550
Dr. Esther Bubb: Right.
720
01:04:23.750 --> 01:04:26.460
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: At least I'm truthful. You… you know.
721
01:04:27.020 --> 01:04:29.319
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: How I'm going to have a conversation with you.
722
01:04:29.320 --> 01:04:29.700
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
723
01:04:29.700 --> 01:04:42.360
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: people pleasers are not authentic. They smile on your face, and they just do one to get along, and then change what depends on who the person is. And I… and I said to the lady who was spearheading this discussion.
724
01:04:42.360 --> 01:04:42.790
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
725
01:04:42.790 --> 01:04:50.429
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And she was like, oh my gosh, nobody never said that. I never thought about it like that. Because you're making me the villain, because I am forthright.
726
01:04:50.790 --> 01:04:56.010
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: But the people pleasers, oh, they're so nice. No, they're not. They're deceiving.
727
01:04:56.010 --> 01:04:56.690
Dr. Esther Bubb: Right.
728
01:04:57.750 --> 01:05:03.490
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I'd rather be around 10 aggressive people than abandon the truth. Exactly.
729
01:05:03.840 --> 01:05:04.300
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
730
01:05:04.300 --> 01:05:06.679
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And she was like, I never thought of Ellie like that.
731
01:05:07.780 --> 01:05:12.059
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So, I say leadership is about understanding
732
01:05:12.320 --> 01:05:15.860
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Your triggers, what type of person you are.
733
01:05:16.680 --> 01:05:19.889
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So then you'll be able to best serve
734
01:05:20.140 --> 01:05:21.739
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: The people who work with you.
735
01:05:21.900 --> 01:05:34.740
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Leadership is about service. It's not about a title, it's not about power, it's about a service. And bringing out the best in people, putting other people in a position for them to succeed.
736
01:05:34.740 --> 01:05:35.390
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
737
01:05:35.390 --> 01:05:54.899
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: That's the message that is missing from leadership. People take leadership as a power, power-tripping title thing, where leadership's supposed to be service, and to be a good leader, you have to be able to manage others. In order to manage others, you have to be able to know your maximum capacity, your triggers, and everything, to be able to say, okay.
738
01:05:55.600 --> 01:05:57.520
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I know this about me.
739
01:05:57.920 --> 01:05:58.420
Dr. Esther Bubb: Mmm.
740
01:05:58.420 --> 01:06:00.150
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: so I know X, Y, and Z.
741
01:06:00.630 --> 01:06:05.490
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Or, I tell people who work for me
742
01:06:06.840 --> 01:06:10.220
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: You may not be used to a person that's very forthcoming.
743
01:06:10.470 --> 01:06:20.220
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: That don't mean that I'm mad at you, or I can have a conversation with you, or disagreement with you, and then the next minute I can be like, alright, come on, Esther, let's go get something to eat.
744
01:06:20.220 --> 01:06:21.470
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, yeah.
745
01:06:21.470 --> 01:06:23.249
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And people look at me like.
746
01:06:23.440 --> 01:06:30.060
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: You're not mad? No, I'm not mad. I just… I just said, well, this is work, said what the heck needs to be said, and then…
747
01:06:30.060 --> 01:06:30.620
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
748
01:06:30.620 --> 01:06:36.960
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I… I… I'm able to… compartmentalize.
749
01:06:36.960 --> 01:06:37.590
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
750
01:06:37.590 --> 01:06:42.120
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And a lot of people don't. They… a lot of people take work personally.
751
01:06:42.250 --> 01:06:53.550
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And a lot of people were there to be friends. I'm not at work to be friends. I'm at work to get the work done because, one, my work ethic, and I'm very competitive, and I want things to be done right.
752
01:06:53.550 --> 01:06:54.250
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
753
01:06:54.250 --> 01:06:55.120
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I feel that?
754
01:06:55.380 --> 01:06:56.630
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: we're good.
755
01:06:56.630 --> 01:06:57.690
Dr. Esther Bubb: Very good, yeah.
756
01:06:58.320 --> 01:07:02.400
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: But a lot of people… struggle with…
757
01:07:02.540 --> 01:07:15.539
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: oh, I want this person to like me. It's not about me liking… I'm going to like you, the individual that you are, not based on your work performance. And a lot of people get that mixed up. And I think that's a good thing to…
758
01:07:16.880 --> 01:07:19.859
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Discussed when it comes to leadership roles.
759
01:07:19.860 --> 01:07:21.060
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
760
01:07:21.060 --> 01:07:22.769
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: From a behavioral perspective.
761
01:07:22.770 --> 01:07:35.940
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, yeah, thank you for that, Tyria, first of all. Thank you for pouring into me, second of all. And thank you for everything you just wrapped up so beautifully in that message. So, I heard you say, without necessarily saying it this way.
762
01:07:35.940 --> 01:07:54.290
Dr. Esther Bubb: that you're now speaking the truth, right? So, moving from unspoken truths, right, like, you would have the conversation, being real, being honest, and all right, now let's… let's move on. What's next? So, really speaking the truth instead of not saying it, being true, being real, being authentic. But I think also a deeper part of what you shared, Tyria, when you mentioned
763
01:07:54.620 --> 01:08:12.020
Dr. Esther Bubb: not everybody, you know, that's… if we go back to college days, or even high school days, elementary school days, that's a teacher. It's meant to be a teacher, right? And so, I think you gave… sort of hinted at an underlying message that we know as behavior analysts, right? There's scope of practice, and there's scope of competence.
764
01:08:12.250 --> 01:08:24.830
Dr. Esther Bubb: we are expected, you know, to pass the exam, we have to understand what our scope of practice is. It doesn't mean we're competent in all the entire scope of practice. So we have to be able to identify when we're not a good fit for a particular case or assignment.
765
01:08:24.830 --> 01:08:37.149
Dr. Esther Bubb: do a number of things. Remove ourselves, increase our knowledge, find a mentor, find someone who's an expert in it, or, you know, recommend the person to someone else. I mean, I've had experiences, and when I share that with staff, they're like, oh, really? You did? I'm like, yeah!
766
01:08:37.149 --> 01:08:46.859
Dr. Esther Bubb: where I was removed from cases, and that was okay, Tyria, I just wasn't a good thing. But now, I will remove myself if I realize I'm not a good fit, because it's not doing…
767
01:08:47.020 --> 01:08:54.530
Dr. Esther Bubb: the person any justice or myself to remain in a position where I'm not a good fit or don't have the knowledge or the expertise. I can't know everything, right, Tyria?
768
01:08:54.529 --> 01:09:16.689
Dr. Esther Bubb: But I think it's being bold enough to be able to be honest, have those conversations, right? Being able to fulfill that ethical and professional responsibility, right? But also, Tyria, it comes from the very crux of what you said, knowing ourselves, knowing our shortcomings, knowing our limitations, and until we begin to know that and be honest about it, and be vulnerable enough, Tyria, to speak our truth.
769
01:09:16.859 --> 01:09:17.269
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: We're.
770
01:09:17.270 --> 01:09:29.470
Dr. Esther Bubb: gonna continue hiding, right? And then we're impacting negatively, then we talk about malicious and beneficence, right? And so we have to be able to just be beneficial to the… in the services we provide, and be of service.
771
01:09:29.660 --> 01:09:40.859
Dr. Esther Bubb: To be of the purest form of service that's meaningful and valuable and helpful, socially validated, it has to come from a place of honesty where we're serving in our capacity.
772
01:09:41.200 --> 01:09:44.019
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yes, and so many people are just people-pleasing.
773
01:09:44.240 --> 01:09:44.890
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
774
01:09:45.720 --> 01:09:50.700
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, 100%. Alright, on that note, let's take another brain break.
775
01:09:50.700 --> 01:09:51.840
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Terry, right?
776
01:09:51.840 --> 01:10:03.560
Dr. Esther Bubb: So, can you guide us through, Tyria, a brief grounding strategy, right, that may help someone orient to the present moment, you know, when they're having… they're feeling overwhelmed, or they just need calm?
777
01:10:04.930 --> 01:10:12.320
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yes, I kind of mentioned it earlier, what I've been practicing is, pause.
778
01:10:13.640 --> 01:10:15.059
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Take a deep breath.
779
01:10:16.430 --> 01:10:18.710
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: assess the situation.
780
01:10:19.380 --> 01:10:26.950
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Sometimes, a lot of misunderstandings come from not… Listening?
781
01:10:27.310 --> 01:10:27.990
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
782
01:10:28.800 --> 01:10:30.140
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Not reflecting.
783
01:10:30.610 --> 01:10:32.999
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And not truly understanding.
784
01:10:33.530 --> 01:10:34.900
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: What's in front of you?
785
01:10:35.560 --> 01:10:36.300
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
786
01:10:36.520 --> 01:10:41.909
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: One thing in therapy, especially in marriage or therapy… Yeah.
787
01:10:44.520 --> 01:10:45.879
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: that I learned.
788
01:10:46.160 --> 01:10:46.770
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
789
01:10:46.770 --> 01:10:49.720
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Was, repeat what he just said.
790
01:10:51.380 --> 01:10:52.320
Dr. Esther Bubb: Mmm.
791
01:10:53.560 --> 01:11:01.690
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And sometimes I repeat it. That is not what he said. And I'm like, yes it is! No.
792
01:11:02.590 --> 01:11:06.300
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And you wind up… Getting into a disagreement.
793
01:11:06.820 --> 01:11:11.050
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yeah. Based on… The drama.
794
01:11:11.050 --> 01:11:11.850
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
795
01:11:12.110 --> 01:11:14.660
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Because it could have been a trigger that triggered you, right?
796
01:11:14.770 --> 01:11:15.580
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
797
01:11:15.580 --> 01:11:17.759
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And then stuff happens based on that.
798
01:11:17.760 --> 01:11:18.370
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
799
01:11:18.760 --> 01:11:20.890
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So… Pause.
800
01:11:21.160 --> 01:11:23.619
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Breathe and reflect.
801
01:11:24.310 --> 01:11:29.629
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I would definitely say. It's really important, really important. We're… we're…
802
01:11:30.020 --> 01:11:35.929
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: We're in a dinged society, meaning that… We want stuff right away.
803
01:11:36.400 --> 01:11:38.350
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, yes, yes.
804
01:11:39.020 --> 01:11:52.029
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: we constantly reacting. We have access to so much information 24 hours a day. And I was saying to someone, remember when people get mad at you if you don't, like, return their text messages within.
805
01:11:52.230 --> 01:11:53.000
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
806
01:11:53.000 --> 01:12:01.189
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: God forbid, within 15 minutes. And I was like, remember when you had to wait till people got home at night to listen to their voicemails?
807
01:12:05.140 --> 01:12:06.740
Dr. Esther Bubb: I do!
808
01:12:06.740 --> 01:12:14.089
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yes, right? You can't… you can't fuss at somebody for… oh, remember the days where…
809
01:12:15.100 --> 01:12:19.240
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: You didn't call someone's house before 9 o'clock.
810
01:12:19.550 --> 01:12:24.039
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And you definitely didn't call someone's house after 8 o'clock.
811
01:12:24.230 --> 01:12:26.590
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Now we have these cell phones.
812
01:12:26.700 --> 01:12:30.259
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And people just feel that they got access to you.
813
01:12:31.220 --> 01:12:31.950
Dr. Esther Bubb: 24-7.
814
01:12:31.950 --> 01:12:38.600
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: 24-7. I have a, I'm working with someone on a project.
815
01:12:38.600 --> 01:12:39.200
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
816
01:12:39.610 --> 01:12:41.879
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: They called me 9.30 at night.
817
01:12:44.940 --> 01:12:46.380
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Sir, hello?
818
01:12:47.010 --> 01:12:52.750
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And they start talking. I'm like… Cannot?
819
01:12:52.950 --> 01:12:54.220
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I wanna be honest.
820
01:12:55.190 --> 01:12:57.560
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I normally don't take phone calls after 8.
821
01:12:58.620 --> 01:13:01.880
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And I was like… Oh, I'm sorry!
822
01:13:02.120 --> 01:13:03.670
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: It's 940!
823
01:13:03.880 --> 01:13:04.900
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Bam!
824
01:13:05.640 --> 01:13:08.709
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: My husband wakes up at 4 o'clock in the morning.
825
01:13:10.230 --> 01:13:12.770
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: My brain is fried.
826
01:13:12.770 --> 01:13:13.720
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
827
01:13:14.290 --> 01:13:18.320
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: You, you, you, you can't get much out of me after 8.
828
01:13:18.580 --> 01:13:20.500
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: If 7.30…
829
01:13:20.500 --> 01:13:21.730
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes.
830
01:13:22.960 --> 01:13:26.009
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: You know, because we're up 5 in the morning.
831
01:13:26.850 --> 01:13:27.790
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
832
01:13:27.790 --> 01:13:35.740
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: It's about, like, you know, those boundaries, and we're just so… immediate gratification.
833
01:13:36.660 --> 01:13:39.559
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: people now. So, definitely pulls.
834
01:13:39.880 --> 01:13:40.490
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
835
01:13:40.490 --> 01:13:41.510
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: and reflect.
836
01:13:41.510 --> 01:13:48.250
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, I like that. Pause, breathe, and reflect. I remember the days growing up of not having a phone, so anything had to wait till the next day, you know, whenever.
837
01:13:48.820 --> 01:14:01.609
Dr. Esther Bubb: So, sometimes… and I think just taking ourselves back, as you just suggested, to growing up, right? So there's growing up the unspoken truths, right? So moving away from that, but just going back to…
838
01:14:01.680 --> 01:14:13.820
Dr. Esther Bubb: when things… when there was just still, there was calm, right? We had time to think and reflect, just going back, you know, keeping some of, you know, our childhood experiences and letting go of the ones that are no longer beneficial.
839
01:14:14.190 --> 01:14:16.169
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, I appreciated that. Thank you.
840
01:14:16.360 --> 01:14:23.729
Dr. Esther Bubb: All right, so let's go on to talk about creating a condition. So, Tyria, as you know, one of my co-philosophies, right, it's…
841
01:14:23.730 --> 01:14:24.049
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: It's really true.
842
01:14:24.050 --> 01:14:25.150
Dr. Esther Bubb: big on.
843
01:14:25.390 --> 01:14:37.450
Dr. Esther Bubb: creating the conditions where people discover within themselves the possibilities, right, before they even… before they even recognized it. Terry, I'm really big on that. I'm really big on, like, pouring into people and saying,
844
01:14:37.450 --> 01:14:50.809
Dr. Esther Bubb: you know, you're so good at this, how about this, or something, you know, however I might phrase that, because I share the story all the time. The only reason I'm in the field where… that I'm in, and that I even met you, because we were in the same field, is because someone recognized, realized.
845
01:14:50.880 --> 01:14:59.409
Dr. Esther Bubb: what I was doing in my current role and said, have you ever heard of ABA? I've never heard of it Tyria. And then the rest is history, right? But someone took the time to pour into me.
846
01:14:59.580 --> 01:15:04.760
Dr. Esther Bubb: What conditions, Tyria, can we create to help people begin healing?
847
01:15:08.300 --> 01:15:13.740
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: To begin how… okay, I'm gonna say let's look at the Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.
848
01:15:13.740 --> 01:15:15.190
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
849
01:15:16.700 --> 01:15:17.560
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
850
01:15:17.560 --> 01:15:18.520
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Urs.
851
01:15:18.880 --> 01:15:19.940
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Safety!
852
01:15:20.410 --> 01:15:20.960
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
853
01:15:23.360 --> 01:15:24.889
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Which was very important.
854
01:15:25.360 --> 01:15:25.970
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
855
01:15:26.340 --> 01:15:38.640
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Even in all types of relationships, working relationships, Childhood marriages… If I don't feel safe, then…
856
01:15:39.790 --> 01:15:49.280
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I'm not my real self. Your anxiety, you'll have anxiety. And anxiety causes you to make decisions out of the norm. So…
857
01:15:49.420 --> 01:15:51.470
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: First, I would say people need to feel safe.
858
01:15:51.830 --> 01:15:54.639
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yeah, the space that they'll say, I need the space
859
01:15:54.770 --> 01:15:57.409
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: To be safe at work, to be able to…
860
01:15:58.300 --> 01:16:02.760
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Acknowledge that there is something wrong, that I am valued, that I can speak out about it.
861
01:16:02.760 --> 01:16:03.250
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
862
01:16:03.250 --> 01:16:17.510
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Especially if we're dealing with kids and we're dealing with family. If we see something that is not safe for the family or the children, we should be able to feel safe enough to speak out about it, and know that we're going to be heard, and know that we will not be retaliated against.
863
01:16:17.800 --> 01:16:18.390
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
864
01:16:19.050 --> 01:16:37.099
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: At home, you need to be able to be safe at home, and know that you have a safe space to be able to share your vulnerability, your transparency, and again, like, your childhood trauma, because you're sharing a life with this person. You need to know that they will not take that information and use it against you.
865
01:16:37.100 --> 01:16:49.130
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So you need to have a safe space. Even dealing with the outside world, you know you have to deal with the outside world, but coming home, you should be able to… your spouse should be a safe space for you.
866
01:16:50.430 --> 01:16:56.629
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: That you can share all of those, you know, challenging things, and you're vulnerable.
867
01:16:56.760 --> 01:17:03.860
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: You're vulnerable situation, you know, be able to be transparent and not feel that you're going to be attacked.
868
01:17:04.020 --> 01:17:04.610
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
869
01:17:04.760 --> 01:17:05.480
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
870
01:17:05.480 --> 01:17:07.210
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: A child should feel safe.
871
01:17:07.210 --> 01:17:07.940
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
872
01:17:08.380 --> 01:17:17.249
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: You know, as that parent, that you always have that best interest at heart, and you put them first, and you are always making decisions based on their safety.
873
01:17:17.370 --> 01:17:20.959
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yeah. I… Heard about a young lady who…
874
01:17:21.550 --> 01:17:28.759
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: It just breaks my heart. She has children. She met a guy. In 2 weeks, she moved the guy in.
875
01:17:29.370 --> 01:17:33.160
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: My initial reaction was, her children…
876
01:17:34.020 --> 01:17:38.200
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: She moved the stranger in to her children's house.
877
01:17:39.700 --> 01:17:43.680
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And wondering why their behavior is changing.
878
01:17:43.680 --> 01:17:44.320
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
879
01:17:44.610 --> 01:17:46.850
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So, yeah, first, safety.
880
01:17:46.980 --> 01:17:47.550
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
881
01:17:47.550 --> 01:17:50.660
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: What we just talked about, self-awareness,
882
01:17:51.770 --> 01:17:54.520
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: We can't change patterns that we don't recognize.
883
01:17:55.190 --> 01:17:55.780
Dr. Esther Bubb: Right.
884
01:17:56.270 --> 01:17:57.060
Dr. Esther Bubb: True.
885
01:17:57.560 --> 01:18:03.210
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So, healing begins with first acknowledging and identifying what is wrong.
886
01:18:03.500 --> 01:18:04.100
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
887
01:18:04.100 --> 01:18:09.210
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And then, the third thing I would say is that, you know, once you find
888
01:18:09.780 --> 01:18:17.470
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Your self-awareness, you have the safety, it needs to be a real… Transparent human connection.
889
01:18:18.870 --> 01:18:19.930
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yeah.
890
01:18:20.710 --> 01:18:23.720
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Because Healing doesn't happen within isolation.
891
01:18:24.840 --> 01:18:32.360
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, thank you for that, Aria. It's like… Instead of, you know, saying.
892
01:18:33.250 --> 01:18:49.549
Dr. Esther Bubb: why is this happening? What conditions do I need to add to the person's environment to make a different behavior response possible, right? So in the situation… the scenario you shared with the woman who moved, you know, someone in with… and then it's what about the safety of the kids, right?
893
01:18:49.550 --> 01:18:55.140
Dr. Esther Bubb: And then we see their behavior start to change, but what can this mom do? What can this woman do? What can other people do?
894
01:18:55.670 --> 01:19:06.970
Dr. Esther Bubb: to really help make a difference in her life and in the lives of others, and sort of, you know, something you said earlier, but it reminds me again now, the coveism of seek to understand rather than to be understood.
895
01:19:07.330 --> 01:19:12.590
Dr. Esther Bubb: What's going on, you know, in that environment, and what can we do to make it different, you know, make it better?
896
01:19:12.870 --> 01:19:15.860
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yeah, some… a lot of times, we are acting…
897
01:19:16.080 --> 01:19:23.129
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: sometimes you ask the wrong questions, and you just have to flip it. I remember when I first got diagnosed with
898
01:19:23.520 --> 01:19:24.779
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: breast cancer.
899
01:19:24.780 --> 01:19:25.580
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes.
900
01:19:26.520 --> 01:19:32.160
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And… Of course, you know, your first question is, why me?
901
01:19:32.320 --> 01:19:33.750
Dr. Esther Bubb: Miami, yes.
902
01:19:35.840 --> 01:19:49.420
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And you go through your days of… Self-pity, hurt, Shame… depression… And then… coming out…
903
01:19:53.620 --> 01:19:56.019
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I began to change the question.
904
01:19:57.370 --> 01:19:58.679
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Why not be?
905
01:19:59.060 --> 01:19:59.670
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
906
01:20:00.200 --> 01:20:01.799
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I'mma take this platform.
907
01:20:02.230 --> 01:20:02.820
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
908
01:20:04.300 --> 01:20:06.350
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And I think it's all in how…
909
01:20:06.570 --> 01:20:09.330
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: You frame your question to yourself.
910
01:20:10.420 --> 01:20:16.050
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: That makes a difference in your mindset, And set the stage for…
911
01:20:16.370 --> 01:20:23.020
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Your healing process, or your journey that you're going to go through, whatever task that you're dealing with.
912
01:20:27.010 --> 01:20:38.810
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So, yeah, healing begins when we stop asking what's, you know, what's wrong with me. Even with trauma, we always say that even going through trauma, we tend to
913
01:20:39.100 --> 01:20:42.680
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Say, something must be wrong with me.
914
01:20:42.680 --> 01:20:43.270
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
915
01:20:43.270 --> 01:20:46.879
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And we internalize it, and that's what beat us up.
916
01:20:49.950 --> 01:20:57.119
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: To make us feel that we are not worthy, we are not valuable, and it's something that
917
01:20:57.380 --> 01:21:02.360
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Must be inside of me that caused me to have this pain.
918
01:21:03.670 --> 01:21:09.949
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And it said, until you start to learn a different way of looking at it.
919
01:21:10.120 --> 01:21:12.569
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: That's when your healing begins.
920
01:21:12.830 --> 01:21:13.660
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And…
921
01:21:13.660 --> 01:21:14.310
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
922
01:21:14.310 --> 01:21:17.020
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: what… what is the lesson that I want to learn here?
923
01:21:17.270 --> 01:21:26.500
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: where do I want to take this? You know, what… how do I want to be a different person? Working on and manifesting that, as opposed to…
924
01:21:27.030 --> 01:21:32.580
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: something must be wrong with me. It's a different approach to the situation.
925
01:21:32.940 --> 01:21:44.209
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, yeah. I, I… why me? Why not me, right? Or why, why not? So, I 100% agree with you. Like, I asked myself those same questions, because you know I'm divorced, right?
926
01:21:44.780 --> 01:21:55.480
Dr. Esther Bubb: traumatic experience. So I spent lots of time, why me? Or, what's wrong with me, right? But then I had to flip it and say, why not me, and know that
927
01:21:55.700 --> 01:22:08.860
Dr. Esther Bubb: God was putting me through that experience for a reason he already knew, that I couldn't see in the moment, and I can't tell you how many people, whether it was in my work life, my personal life, that I've been able to minister to, based on, right, my.
928
01:22:08.860 --> 01:22:09.290
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Museum.
929
01:22:09.770 --> 01:22:17.160
Dr. Esther Bubb: And how I was able to come through it, how I was able to survive, and move on, and I'm still here, smiling, you know, living, surviving, so…
930
01:22:17.560 --> 01:22:25.720
Dr. Esther Bubb: I totally agree with you. It's the way we frame the question, it's the way we frame the statement, it's the way we frame the situation.
931
01:22:25.910 --> 01:22:34.939
Dr. Esther Bubb: And a lot of times, we have to reframe, right? Retrain our brains to think of things differently, to just be open, to just be accepting.
932
01:22:35.100 --> 01:22:53.979
Dr. Esther Bubb: to look at the solutions, right? Look at where you can go, what can you do with it? Like, thinking of it that way, it allows us to get out of this mope and, you know, moping period, and just… obviously, we have our moments, Tyria, you know, if we're being honest, but we have to be able to be resilient.
933
01:22:54.660 --> 01:23:08.019
Dr. Esther Bubb: to move on from it, and so I remember, you know, there's a colleague of mine, she was my staff member, but she failed the BCB exam multiple times, and, you know, she would call, and she would cry, and I would say to her, alright, I'm giving you today, you got today to cry.
934
01:23:08.690 --> 01:23:25.479
Dr. Esther Bubb: Tomorrow, I need you to snap out of it, right? We have to talk about, alright, where do we go from here? So I agree with you with all of those things, and in her situation, it's, why not, right? What can you learn from this? What can you take away from this? What is it teaching you? What is it building you to become? We're all still becoming every day, you know?
935
01:23:25.480 --> 01:23:35.570
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yeah. It's definitely true, and matter of fact, remember, I remember when I was studying for mine, and I had a panic attack, and I called you.
936
01:23:37.220 --> 01:23:44.790
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: you know, getting ready, you was like, listen, you got this, you got this, and I'm like, oh my god, you know, I was, like, freaking out, right?
937
01:23:44.790 --> 01:23:45.660
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, yeah.
938
01:23:45.660 --> 01:23:46.490
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And he was like.
939
01:23:46.750 --> 01:24:02.589
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: take a deep breath, you got this! You got this! And I was just like, you know, I got off the phone with you, and I did my breathing, and, you know, went in there, and took the test, and passed the test, and yeah, it's, it's definitely, definitely something,
940
01:24:03.930 --> 01:24:18.499
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Trauma and fear causes anxiety, which cause you to not think as logically as you would in a normal state, and just understanding that. And then, like you said, we all go through experiences
941
01:24:20.010 --> 01:24:23.639
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: to be able to share with the next person. I remember when I got
942
01:24:23.790 --> 01:24:26.790
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: when I received the news of breast cancer.
943
01:24:26.790 --> 01:24:27.250
Dr. Esther Bubb: Damn.
944
01:24:27.250 --> 01:24:31.630
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: the young lady that I talked to, you know, it was the same thing she said. She said, I never…
945
01:24:32.010 --> 01:24:36.089
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Understood why I got breast cancer, now I understand, it's to get you through it.
946
01:24:36.550 --> 01:24:36.940
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
947
01:24:36.940 --> 01:24:40.270
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And what a lot of people don't understand, there's cancer grief
948
01:24:40.840 --> 01:24:48.809
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: She got me through mine, and then when I got back on my feet, her cancer returned.
949
01:24:49.420 --> 01:24:49.960
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
950
01:24:49.960 --> 01:24:56.140
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And then she didn't win the battle the second time. So, I went into depression.
951
01:24:56.460 --> 01:24:57.130
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
952
01:24:57.270 --> 01:25:00.170
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Because I'm saying to myself, How do…
953
01:25:00.720 --> 01:25:10.679
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I make it, and she didn't, so you go through… you go through grief. It's, you know, it's really hard to deal, you know, to deal with it, and I lost a sister.
954
01:25:10.790 --> 01:25:12.780
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: to reverse cancer, and I'm just like…
955
01:25:13.390 --> 01:25:20.680
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: It's, you know, so many questions, but yeah, you do go through every situation.
956
01:25:20.830 --> 01:25:25.230
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: my best friend, God rest her, so she's always had this phrase.
957
01:25:25.370 --> 01:25:28.230
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Everybody don't cross the finish line at the same time.
958
01:25:28.540 --> 01:25:32.630
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yeah. And then I added, we're all on a different lap.
959
01:25:33.660 --> 01:25:42.540
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And talking about human connection is, we all grow through stuff, and this is the way God created it, for us to be able to connect with each other.
960
01:25:42.730 --> 01:25:46.539
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: We all go through stuff in our life experiences to help out the next person.
961
01:25:46.770 --> 01:25:51.139
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I, too, have been divorced. I don't know if you knew that.
962
01:25:51.140 --> 01:25:52.295
Dr. Esther Bubb: No.
963
01:25:54.260 --> 01:25:55.670
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Talk about a funny story.
964
01:25:57.870 --> 01:26:00.099
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: My husband and I divorced.
965
01:26:00.510 --> 01:26:03.900
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: We separated for 3-4 years.
966
01:26:03.900 --> 01:26:04.590
Dr. Esther Bubb: Okay.
967
01:26:04.590 --> 01:26:06.270
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And we got remarried.
968
01:26:07.880 --> 01:26:08.999
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, no, I didn't know that.
969
01:26:09.700 --> 01:26:10.350
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
970
01:26:10.350 --> 01:26:13.220
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So, it's been a total of 24 years.
971
01:26:13.220 --> 01:26:13.810
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
972
01:26:13.810 --> 01:26:20.239
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: So… And I talk to people about that, and they're like, what?
973
01:26:20.380 --> 01:26:23.709
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And… Getting them through.
974
01:26:23.820 --> 01:26:27.560
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yeah. Again, sharing your experiences.
975
01:26:28.530 --> 01:26:35.750
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: helps other people. You never know who you're going to inspire. And I tell people all the time.
976
01:26:37.080 --> 01:26:48.349
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: there was a video… I'm such a nerd. There was a video… sometimes I watch National Geographics. There was a video where there were,
977
01:26:50.010 --> 01:26:51.270
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Antelopes.
978
01:26:51.440 --> 01:26:53.999
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Down at the water, drinking water.
979
01:26:56.690 --> 01:27:01.329
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And they were starting to leave, but then there was one that was still drinking water.
980
01:27:01.830 --> 01:27:10.059
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And the herd was over to the right. I mean, they were still there, but it was just over there, and I guess they was waiting for the one.
981
01:27:11.140 --> 01:27:14.080
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Out of nowhere in the water, a crocodile comes.
982
01:27:14.650 --> 01:27:16.039
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: and grabs.
983
01:27:16.920 --> 01:27:18.610
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: The antelope leg.
984
01:27:18.970 --> 01:27:19.460
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
985
01:27:19.460 --> 01:27:21.440
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And starts to pull him in.
986
01:27:21.930 --> 01:27:31.280
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And he's fighting for his life. And the other ones are just standing there. And I'm watching the video, like, oh my gosh, why are they not helping him? Help him! Help him!
987
01:27:31.280 --> 01:27:31.720
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes.
988
01:27:31.720 --> 01:27:32.959
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Oh, why would I…
989
01:27:33.600 --> 01:27:44.390
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: He was fighting for his life. The crocodile was pulling him in, and he was trying to pull back, and pull him in, he was trying to pull back, and I was like, oh my gosh, he getting tired, he getting tired. You could see he was getting tired.
990
01:27:44.930 --> 01:27:47.899
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And then a crocodile pulled him in.
991
01:27:48.420 --> 01:27:51.370
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And he was… his whole body was under this time.
992
01:27:51.550 --> 01:27:56.829
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And I was like, oh my gosh, they sat there and let the crocodile, you know, get him.
993
01:27:57.670 --> 01:27:59.010
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Out of nowhere.
994
01:27:59.740 --> 01:28:01.729
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: A hippoponymous cane.
995
01:28:02.400 --> 01:28:11.600
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: pounced down on a crocodile, and the crocodile mouth opened, and then the antelope got out and ran, but at this time, he… his foot.
996
01:28:11.600 --> 01:28:12.120
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
997
01:28:12.120 --> 01:28:20.640
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: was, like, on by a threat. So he hopped away, ran off with 3 legs, And…
998
01:28:21.140 --> 01:28:26.540
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I was so emotional watching this video, and I'm like… Wow.
999
01:28:26.800 --> 01:28:29.660
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And I said to myself, okay, God, I get it.
1000
01:28:31.250 --> 01:28:31.800
Dr. Esther Bubb: Hmm.
1001
01:28:31.800 --> 01:28:33.050
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Sometimes…
1002
01:28:33.330 --> 01:28:34.050
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
1003
01:28:34.050 --> 01:28:35.870
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: God will send someone.
1004
01:28:35.870 --> 01:28:36.670
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes.
1005
01:28:36.670 --> 01:28:38.820
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Who you least expect.
1006
01:28:40.490 --> 01:28:41.919
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: to save you.
1007
01:28:42.140 --> 01:28:42.820
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
1008
01:28:42.820 --> 01:28:46.930
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: While you sitting there thinking that them other people, you waiting on them other people.
1009
01:28:46.930 --> 01:28:47.490
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
1010
01:28:47.490 --> 01:28:50.090
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: He will send you someone who you least expect.
1011
01:28:52.750 --> 01:28:58.329
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: save you. That video stays with me, and I tell people about it.
1012
01:28:59.320 --> 01:29:01.849
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: You know, maintain hope.
1013
01:29:02.230 --> 01:29:07.889
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: There's always hope, because you never know, because He will send you someone.
1014
01:29:08.220 --> 01:29:08.830
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
1015
01:29:09.190 --> 01:29:10.660
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: That you least expect.
1016
01:29:11.760 --> 01:29:19.869
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: To save you. So, you know, just continue to do good, and put good energy out there, and…
1017
01:29:20.410 --> 01:29:24.430
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Just know that… your journey…
1018
01:29:24.480 --> 01:29:41.989
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: It's not just for you, it's for someone else. The reason why I am in this field, I never understood it, and even, when I had breast cancer, I made a prayer to God that if He'd get me through this, I would do anything He want me to do.
1019
01:29:41.990 --> 01:30:00.560
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: This is where I landed, because I, too, did not know anything about ABA. I happened to go through a staffing agency, and she… the lady said, you should become a BCBA, because I had the background, I had the finance background. She said, you could be a whole clinical director. Do you know anything about ABA? I'm like, I don't know what that is.
1020
01:30:01.190 --> 01:30:07.269
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: went home and researched it. And I don't even know… it was a rainy day.
1021
01:30:07.610 --> 01:30:13.079
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And I'm like, why am I driving up to Villanova to the staffing agency? I lived in Delaware.
1022
01:30:13.080 --> 01:30:13.840
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
1023
01:30:14.410 --> 01:30:15.100
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
1024
01:30:15.100 --> 01:30:21.770
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I was going up there for another job, and I'm like, I started 3 times on the road, coming up the Blue Route, you know how the Blue Route is busy.
1025
01:30:21.770 --> 01:30:23.190
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yes, oh, yes.
1026
01:30:23.590 --> 01:30:27.310
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I started to turn around, like, just go. Get up there.
1027
01:30:28.030 --> 01:30:30.150
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: She told me about this.
1028
01:30:30.480 --> 01:30:39.420
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: And that started the journey. One of my first clients, I worked at a Prestige Academy, it was an all-boy middle school in Wilmington.
1029
01:30:40.110 --> 01:30:52.239
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: One of my first clients was a young man. He was getting in trouble a lot. The mom, well, the stepmom, she was married to his dad. They separated. The dad left and left his son there with her.
1030
01:30:52.850 --> 01:30:54.680
Dr. Esther Bubb: Well… And he said.
1031
01:30:54.680 --> 01:30:56.760
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: She was having so many challenges with him.
1032
01:30:56.760 --> 01:30:57.120
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
1033
01:30:57.120 --> 01:31:04.340
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: because she was saying she was… she'd get him everything that he wants, he wants for anything, and I… and I said to her.
1034
01:31:04.750 --> 01:31:09.690
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: transparency. I said, listen, you're my first client, and I had to share my story with her.
1035
01:31:09.690 --> 01:31:10.370
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
1036
01:31:10.370 --> 01:31:13.700
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: about my childhood journey, and I said.
1037
01:31:14.040 --> 01:31:26.740
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: I guess I know I'm supposed to be here, because I know what he's feeling. It's not about you. He's saying, if his parents are alive, you're giving him all this love and all this stuff.
1038
01:31:26.870 --> 01:31:40.290
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: why can't his parents give it? And that's the anger that's coming out in him. And she was like, oh my gosh, I never thought about it like that. How did you know? I said, because that's the way I felt as a child. And she was just like, what? So…
1039
01:31:41.000 --> 01:31:50.709
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: that's when I knew that I was doing this work. This was beyond me, and I'm supposed to be where I am in this field.
1040
01:31:51.060 --> 01:31:55.259
Dr. Esther Bubb: I 100% agree with that, Tyria. It makes me think of
1041
01:31:55.730 --> 01:31:59.840
Dr. Esther Bubb: the passage of Scripture, you know, there's a time for everything on the sun, right?
1042
01:32:00.270 --> 01:32:13.929
Dr. Esther Bubb: there's a time to question, and there's a time to not question. So, like, we… the hippopotamus, like, right? Without question, something, you know, the help is gonna come. Or, like, you're dragged to the Lenovo, not question, keep going, right? There, trust the process.
1043
01:32:13.960 --> 01:32:28.049
Dr. Esther Bubb: trust the process. Because if we continue to follow the process and trust the process, we'll find our purpose. Like, you've found your path, and I 100% agree with you. It's so… what I do, and I know it's the same for you, Tyrrea, it's so fulfilling to me.
1044
01:32:28.170 --> 01:32:29.150
Dr. Esther Bubb: Hmm.
1045
01:32:29.330 --> 01:32:46.379
Dr. Esther Bubb: And even people back home reach out to me, like, can you help this person? Can you help that person? You know, there's one person, you know, that I've helped, you know, recover from something she experienced, you know, in her personal life, and then there's someone else that I'm working with now just to offer support. So, I see how…
1046
01:32:46.430 --> 01:32:50.459
Dr. Esther Bubb: regardless of all the things, I've been through so much, this could be another episode, Tyrrea.
1047
01:32:50.970 --> 01:32:57.289
Dr. Esther Bubb: things in life that I can see now why and how they help me, right, help others.
1048
01:32:57.620 --> 01:32:58.170
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Hmm?
1049
01:32:58.170 --> 01:32:59.500
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, yeah.
1050
01:32:59.750 --> 01:33:01.580
Dr. Esther Bubb: So, thank you for that. So…
1051
01:33:01.790 --> 01:33:14.989
Dr. Esther Bubb: We always end Tyrrea with a Monday, what I like to call a Monday morning move, so what is one message about healing, or relationships, or resilience, right, that you hope your readers carry with them after finishing Unspoken Truths?
1052
01:33:17.000 --> 01:33:18.629
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: One thing I would say, now…
1053
01:33:18.920 --> 01:33:26.260
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: as I'm working with, especially young adults, your past may explain you, but it does not have to define you.
1054
01:33:27.300 --> 01:33:31.600
Dr. Esther Bubb: Hmm, your past may explain you, it does not have to define you, yes.
1055
01:33:32.180 --> 01:33:33.820
Dr. Esther Bubb: There's a lot wrapped up in that.
1056
01:33:34.080 --> 01:33:34.880
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yes.
1057
01:33:35.380 --> 01:33:39.230
Dr. Esther Bubb: And it's simple, like, doesn't need any other explanation, yep.
1058
01:33:39.230 --> 01:33:39.930
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Yes.
1059
01:33:39.930 --> 01:33:40.910
Dr. Esther Bubb: Very straightforward, yeah.
1060
01:33:40.910 --> 01:33:58.970
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: It's a choice, definitely a choice. Your story doesn't have to end where your pain begins. Every day, like I said, every day is another opportunity to break a cycle, to rewrite your story, to make a difference. Rise to the person who you were created to be.
1061
01:33:59.340 --> 01:33:59.940
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah.
1062
01:34:00.500 --> 01:34:10.459
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, I love that. Thank you, thank you for that message, Tyria, and most of all, thank you for joining me again today. I look forward to continuing these types of conversations.
1063
01:34:10.460 --> 01:34:10.920
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Danielle.
1064
01:34:10.920 --> 01:34:27.079
Dr. Esther Bubb: once our listeners hear this, I know there are so many nuggets you shared, Terry, so many nuggets wrapped up, you know, in this episode that I… like you said, you know, even if it's one person, we know that one… it's exponential, because that one person can then, you know, help so many others. So, thank you again for your time, congrats.
1065
01:34:27.320 --> 01:34:28.230
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Thank you.
1066
01:34:28.230 --> 01:34:35.659
Dr. Esther Bubb: Wish you all the best, and just continue doing what you're doing, you know, to motivate others and help the world.
1067
01:34:35.820 --> 01:34:43.379
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: Thank you, thank you, I appreciate it, and congratulations to you, too! I am so proud of you and your platform.
1068
01:34:43.650 --> 01:34:45.760
Dr. Esther Bubb: Thank you so much, I appreciate that, honey.
1069
01:34:46.150 --> 01:34:47.490
Dr. Esther Bubb: Have a lovely day.
1070
01:34:47.490 --> 01:34:49.949
Tyrrea L. Graves, MEd, MBA, BCBA, LBS: You too. Have a good one. Bye-bye.
1071
01:34:49.950 --> 01:34:51.249
Dr. Esther Bubb: Yeah, you too. Bye.
Outro
Thank you for listening to Behaviorally Speaking: Leadership for Change-Makers. Be sure to visit esthercbubbabaservices.com/blog for today's companion blog and additional leadership resources. Until next time, create the conditions for growth wherever you lead. I'm Dr. Esther Bubb. Stay inspired.