Why “Consistent” Triggers Defensiveness

Well, hey there. Welcome back.

Boy, you sure are consistent! Well, I just jump right into that, don’t I? Let’s talk about that. Let’s talk about being consistent and consistency, because that’s one of those words you hear and you’re like… what?

It’s certainly something that naturally affects and engages your defense mechanisms, because if someone says, “You need to be consistent,” they haven’t even told you whether you are or not, and now you immediately feel like you’re under attack. “Well, I’m… I’m consist- what am I not consistent in?”

Or even if they’re teaching you a new skill or this is part of your onboarding, and they say, “Okay, and so you’re going to do this, and you need to do this consistently.” “Well, oh, okay, because I was going to immediately default to doing it haphazardly and randomly.”

It’s one of those words that really is overused because it sounds important. In fact, I’ll tell you, I’ll go as far as to tell you that there are a lot of dating profiles that use this as as part of their filter, and it says, you know, “How do you win my heart? How do, you know, what’s impressive to me? Be consistent.” What? What? Who are you? Hello?

So, there really are two parts of this, isn’t there? There really are two parts. The first part is just taking this at face value and not assigning it to any other action. Being consistent means you did that thing again. You’ll continue to do that thing over and over again. You do it on a regular basis. You do it on a predictable schedule.

Well, that sounds as neutral as monsters and unicorns, doesn’t it? “I’m consistently going to drink and drive. I’m consistently going to be late. I’m consistently going to forget my homework, be rude to clients, and, um, forget the shower.”

So what they really mean is for you to do that thing they like, that thing they value, consistently. The problem is they don’t tell you those things they like and those things they value. Now, getting back to the job interview or the onboarding, yes, that’s where they tell you, “Hey, you should do this thing.” And then that’s where they say, “Do it consistently.”

But again, the word sort of loses meaning because we’re talking about your persona. Your default persona is to do the things you’re asked on a regular basis, on a predictable, measurable intensity that’s equal to or greater than what people need and want.

So, what do you do? Because it sounds like it’s a skill that’s, well, not a skill, right? “I’m going to learn consistency.” Well, consistency with what? “Consistency with all the good things. And I’m going to learn the opposite of consistency with all the bad things.”

Wait a minute! Hold the phone. Now we’re back in monsters and unicorns territory. In fact, we’re even before the monsters and unicorns. We’re in the territory of repetition.

So at risk of repeating myself—get it?—let me talk about repetition, which we have a number of times, and if you’ve read Because, you know that that’s really… well, the secret is repetition with everything. It’s how you get really good at good stuff, and it’s how you get really bad at bad stuff.

So what they’re asking you when they say “be consistent” is: utilize the magic of repetition for the things that I want you to do. But here’s the problem with that: if they want you to do a thing that’s either not in your wheelhouse, something you don’t feel comfortable about doing, or simply not something that’s in your skill set that you want to do, repeating that is not going to happen, because you don’t like it.

Now, this is the part where I say, “Well, you can engage a monster or unicorn to get you to do these things,” because that is how they work. But again, being consistent in a thing that isn’t your thing is a waste of your time and energy.

Do you see how the more we examine this word, the more it kind of falls apart and it’s just annoying? I’m sorry, it just is. The word consistency and being consistent is… is just become such an annoying buzzword that it has very little meaning. And I’d submit to you that if you push back on the person that says it to you, they’ll say, “Well, I… well, wait.” They will have a little bit of a meltdown and they will struggle to tell you what they’re saying, and then they’ll completely reframe it in a way that isn’t consistent. We’re having fun, aren’t we?

So what can you do when you encounter this in the wild? Well, you can take the step back and see it for what it is. If someone just says “be consistent,” you need to question what it is they’re talking about.

If it’s something you are expected to do, you can sort of look inwardly and say, “Can I do that on a regular basis that’s predictable and of high quality?” Yes? Okay, sure, great. I’ll be consistent with that.

But there is also the part of you that says, “Well, why is my ability to be consistent even being challenged?”

Because that’s an overarching attribute.

Now, you may go years and even decades without anyone even telling you to be consistent. Consistency may not even be brought up at all in your job, your career, your relationship, anything. It just may not come up, and you’re very fortunate. But I think for some people, it… it does come up, especially in new relationships. And a new relationship, whether it is personal or work or client-related, you will see consistency come up. You’ll say, “It’s what separates us from the other guys. We’re consistent. We’ll be there. We do something the same way over and over again, and you can depend on us.”

And dependability is a big, powerful magic word in all relationships, isn’t it? If there’s someone who does your plumbing and they’re dependable, that’s going to rank very highly in your matrix of saying, “Am I going to keep that person on? Am I going to call them again?”

In the creative realm, that is something that comes into question a lot. A lot of times creativity has pretty high ups and downs. People may do something really am- they’ll create something amazing, but they don’t do it consistently, right? They may come out with some sort of art piece or what have you and say, “That was really cool,” but like a lot of their other stuff is garbage, like, “I don’t like their stuff. Once in a while, they… they make something great. I don’t know what they’re thinking with this other stuff they make.” Or with music, you know, you buy an album in the olden days and you got one song. You had to pay for the whole album just to get one song out of it.

I think consistency is something we struggle with with our kids. When you have young kids, and especially teenagers, getting them to be consistent is hit-or-miss. And you’ll note as part of their personality, they may be someone who’s just consistent. You may have multiple kids, and there’s that one kid who sometimes gives you a hard time and a lot of friction, but when they do it, they do it really well. You can always depend on them.

So, when you’re on the receiving end, recognize it for what it is and help yourself to define it above and beyond the way they are defining it.

If it’s as an output from you, if you’re saying it to other people, then again, make sure that you are connecting consistency with the thing, the action.

And from a personability and likability standpoint, questioning someone’s consistency when they haven’t demonstrated that they don’t have it may not go over very well, so treat it lightly.

I hope that makes sense. I hope you enjoyed this, and I will talk to you later.