Mammoth Cave, The Bone Wars, Paul the Octopus & Balloon Animal Mania

WEBVTT
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Yep.
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Okay, almost got it.
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Just a little higher.
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Come on, you prehistoric bastard.
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Gavin?
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Oh no.
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Why why are you putting the dinosaur's head back on its neck?
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Because, Lindsay, and this may shock you, but historically, heads go on necks.
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Not in this exhibit, they don't.
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I'm sorry, I just cannot and good conscious leave this poor creature looking like a rejected anatom.
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Listen, we're going for exhibit accuracy, not anatomical paleontological accuracy.
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Put it back.
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On the tail?
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On the tail.
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That feels like a crime against science.
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So was most of the behavior in this episode.
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Can I at least put up a little sign that says, We know this is wrong?
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Please don't email us.
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No.
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Perhaps a tasteful disclaimer.
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No.
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A QR code to a scientific apology?
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Absolutely not.
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Fine.
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There.
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The head is back on the tail.
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I hope Edward Drinker Cope is happy.
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Oh, he's not.
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Probably not.
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Man was born with a grudge and died trying to win a skullmeasuring contest from the grave.
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Uh yeah, that tracks.
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Welcome to the Oddities Department, where even the dinosaurs are assembled with historical trauma.
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Where history gets weird, science gets stranger, and humanity continues to prove that confidence is not the same thing as competence.
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I'm Gavin.
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And I'm Lindsay, and this is episode 21 of the Oddities Department.
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We hope you brought your PPE and are fully prepared to take a shower after this tour comes to a close.
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Because you have wandered into part of the museum where safety is never guaranteed, and the exhibits are fully interactive and typically a little messy.
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And today, we're taking you on a tour full of underground bad decisions, scientific beef, psychic seafood, and airborne livestock.
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Which sounds like four separate emergencies.
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It does, and it most definitely was.
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But somehow, it makes for one perfectly balanced tour.
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This tour is basically what happens when humans discover something incredible and immediately ask, how can we make this worse?
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Hot air balloons?
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Put a sheep in it.
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And that right there is exactly why this part of the museum exists.
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First, we're heading underground into Mammoth Cave, where nature built something ancient, massive, and mysterious.
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Then we're digging into the bone wars.
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A scientific rivalry so petty, so dramatic, and so deeply unnecessary that even the dinosaurs deserved better.
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After that, we meet Paul the Octopus, a tiny aquatic prophet who somehow made the entire sports world lose its mind.
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And finally, we float back to the 1700s for balloon mania, where humanity took its first steps towards the sky.
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And brought livestock.
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As one does.
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As one apparently did.
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Before we begin, the museum board has asked us to review a few updated visitor policies.
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Apparently, common sense was too big.
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Rule number one.
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Some of these exhibits are educational, some are accurate, very few or both.
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Rule number two, please keep in mind that anytime you come across an exhibit that says stay out, stay alive, these posted warnings are legally binding.
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But around here, they're also negotiable.
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Our lawyers call them rules.
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We call them strongly worded suggestions.
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Please enjoy your visit, stay with the group, and lower your expectations for mankind accordingly.
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Grab your flashlight, check your footing, stay behind the rope, and follow us.
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There is no shortcut through this tour.
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We are starting this tour underground, deep underground, inside one of the largest cave systems on Earth.
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A place that should have inspired wonder, humility, and respect.
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Naturally.
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So let's step into the dark.
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This is exhibit number one nineteen, Mammoth Cave.
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A history of terrible decisions.
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Alright, Gavin, buckle up.
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Today we're talking about Mammoth Cave.
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Now if you're thinking, ooh, cool, a cave.
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How interesting can a cave possibly be?
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Let me assure you that this cave has everything.
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Blind shrimp, fish eating spiders, mummified bodies, tuberculosis experiments, ghost stories, tourist scams, fake police officers, and at least one shooting, and a two-week-long underground rescue attempt that became national news.
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Please tell me you are going to uh give us a little more on that fish eating spider situation.
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I knew you were gonna point that one out.
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Absolutely.
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What kind of friend would I be if I didn't give you nightmares?
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I am curious, but I am also concerned.
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As you should be.
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So, really, for a hole in the ground, this place has had an astonishingly messy social life.
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And at the center of it all sits one of the dumbest chapters in American tourism history, the Kentucky Cave Wars.
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We have a lot of wars in this episode.
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There's a lot of wars.
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A lot of wars that are wars that aren't wars.
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I see your war and I raise you a war.
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Bring it.
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A period when a bunch of otherwise normal adults looked at a natural wonder millions of years in the making and collectively decided to become absolute menaces over ticket sales.
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Let's dive right in to Big Hole Big Dreams.
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It is the late 1800s and early 1900s.
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The automobile is starting to put regular folk on the roads for the first time.
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They're looking for something interesting to see, and suddenly these massive caves in central Kentucky look like a gold mine.
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By this point, Mammoth Cave is already famous.
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It is stupidly huge, with over four hundred and twenty six miles of mapped passageways and counting.
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Damn, it is a big hole.
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It's a big you got a big hole.
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But it gets even bigger because this is more than double the length of the next longest cave system on the entire planet.
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No shit.
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The whole thing formed over hundreds of millions of years from ancient seawater depositing limestone that rainwater slowly dissolved.
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There are five different levels stacked like some demonic creepy lair cake.
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The temperature stays a constant fifty-four degrees Fahrenheit year round, no matter what kind of hellish weather is happening above ground.
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The air in some chambers is so still you can hear your own heartbeat echoing back at you like it's judging your choices.
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I like the temperature.
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Sanctuary.
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So let's talk about shrimp spiders and other cave nightmares.
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Yes, let's.
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Because these caves are not just big empty holes.
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They're full of weird life that makes you wonder what the hell evolution was thinking.
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There are these tiny transparent shrimp called Kentucky cave shrimp, or their scientific name, polemonius gantari.
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Yep.
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You try it, Kevin.
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Do it.
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Polemonias Gantari?
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Yeah.
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Or as stated previously, Kentucky cave shrimp.
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I'm not kidding.
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I looked up videos.
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I tried to find any video on how to pronounce that word.
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And I was led to multiple TikToks from people in Kentucky going, I ain't trying to pronounce that shit.
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Can you please do the shrimp voice in the Kentucky accent?
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Parking blonde and eyeless with no pigments.
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So they look like someone started drawing the shrimp and then got distracted.
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They scoot around in underground streams fitting on bits of algae and sediment to wash down.
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Yes.
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And then their arms fell off.
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But bless the guy, he's blind, but he doesn't care.
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He's we're living his best life down there.
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You are incredible.
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Oh, the things you talk me into doing.
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I could read this entire section.
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No.
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I know.
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No.
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People will turn it off.
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They'll be like, shut up.
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Oh my god.
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Should I read that real again, or should we leave that as is?
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Just leave it.
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IMBD says I'm an actress, so there you go.
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She is insufferable ever since knowing this.
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Someone fetch me my water.
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Alright, back to the shrimp.
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They they use their little antennals to taste and feel everything because eyes would really just be useless down there.
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These things can live 10 to 15 years in total darkness.
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Actually, scientists thought they were extinct until the Clean Water Act cleaned up the groundwater and gave them a second chance.
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I did I was unaware that shrimp could live that long.
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Blind shrimp in the dark, alone for 15 years, feeling around for algae.
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That doesn't sound like the best life to me.
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No, that's a long time for a shrimp.
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I w I wonder if we could read the shrimp's thoughts.
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They're probably not great.
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But then, Gavin, you have the fishing spiders from the Dolomedes species.
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These are not your average web spinning house spiders.
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They hang out near underground streams with leg spans of up to four inches.
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Females are significantly larger than the males.
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We love a BBS queen.
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Yes.
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A big big beautiful spider if you I don't necessarily have an issue with spiders.
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I haven't four inches is just a little I don't know.
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Four inches is what?
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It's not really big in the um human context.
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He sensed my setup and I am not happy about it.
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Screw you, Gavin.
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So these big beautiful spider queens, they hunt by sensing vibrations on the water, like tiny aquatic seismographs.
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When a fish or insect or a gavin disturbs the surface, they charge across the water and dive under to grab it.
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Side note, you're welcome for telling you that there are fish eating spiders in a cave.
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I don't know how I feel about this information.
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You can figure it out in your nightmares.
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It'll be fun.
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So nature decided that that was a good idea.
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I mean, there's also pale, blind cave fish navigating by senses that we barely understand.
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The whole ecosystem runs on bat guano and whatever drips in from above.
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It's a self-contained underground world that somehow works.
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So let's get into the human aspect.
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We're gonna talk the people who had sense.
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All of this natural strangeness combined with the giant underground rooms and ridiculous old formations like Giant's Coffin, the bottomless pit, is exactly why tourists started showing up in the first place.
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People wanted to see the blind creatures, the sheer scale of it, and the history that was already down there.
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Indigenous peoples had been exploring these cases for thousands of years before any of this tourist nonsense.
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Evidence shows activity going back at least five thousand years, with people in the region for around twelve thousand years.
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Nations with ancestral ties included the Cherokee, Shawnee, and Chickasaw.
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These were not quick visits.
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They went miles deep using cane reed torches.
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They explored over nineteen miles of passages in the Mammoth Cave system alone.
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They mined gypsum, selenite, and other minerals from medicine, rituals, paint, and trade.
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They left footprints in the mud, including kid sized ones.
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They left tools, woven slippers, and mummified remains.
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One guy, known as Lost John, got crushed by a boulder around the fourth century BC while mining gypsum.
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The dry cave air preserved him like a natural jerky.
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They treated the caves with respect and practicality at the same time.
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Some of the passages they reached were not seen again until modern explorers stumbled upon them.
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Now enter the morons.
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Those ancient people were not fighting each other over ticket sales.
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They were surviving and finding value in the dark.
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Fast forward and the whole thing turns into a cutthroat business, once cars make travel easier.
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Different families own different cave entrances.
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Mammoth Cave is the big draw, but there are dozens of other caves in the area.
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And everyone wants a piece.
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The competition gets ugly fast.
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This is the Kentucky Cave War in full swing.
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I didn't account for the fact a cave that big would definitely have more than one entrance.
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Right?
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Part of me wants to go explore and most of me does not.
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I will watch YouTube videos on it.
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I have conflicting feelings about the Appanachan Mountains and the caves that live therein.
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If I ever decide that I am just e down to live and or die, uh I will go there.
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Just let's fuck it, let's just see what happens.
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The tactics were very creative in that sleazy, small town way that makes you shake your head.
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Rival operators put up misleading signs on the roads leading into Mammoth Cave.
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They would claim it was closed, flooded, quarantined, or collapsing.
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They hired guys called cappers, who dressed like fake policemen or officials.
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I wonder is that where cappers came from?
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The cappers are comin'.
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They'll put you in a paddy wagon.
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Maybe.
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I always thought that that was just coppers, but said with an accent, but is it actually cappers?
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Hmm.
00:15:41.519 --> 00:15:42.159
Hmm.
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Things that might you go, hmm.
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Anyway.
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What a query.
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What a quandary queer.
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I have a query about a quandary.
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Called a capus.
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So these cappers would hop onto the running boards of tourist cars and steer them away from the real Mammoth Cave towards their own operation with all kinds of bullshit stories.
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They burned down rival ticket booths, they destroyed signs, they vandalized other caves, there were even reports of forged advertisements, libel, and even physical confrontations.
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One incident involved a shooting where a mammoth cave worker allegedly shot a guy from Great Onyx Cave in the back.
00:16:26.879 --> 00:16:32.159
It was economic warfare with overalls and shotguns and probably a banjo.
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Most definitely a banjo.
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I did make that part up, but come on.
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You got a pretty hole.
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I want it.
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George Morrison was one of the slickest operators.
00:16:51.679 --> 00:17:01.679
He illegally accessed Mammoth Cave, figured out remote passages, bought land along the main road, and then he blasted a new entrance to Mammoth Cave.
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Overnight he became a major player with a hotel and everything.
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Other owners like the Proctors and Hazens were in the mix too.
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The Collins family had Great Crystal Cave, which was beautiful, but too far off the main tourist route.
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And that brings us to the main character of this whole mess, Floyd Collins.
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So let's talk about Floyd Collins and my actual nightmare.
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Floyd Collins was born in 1887 and spent most of his life exploring caves.
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He discovered Great Crystal Cave in 1917, but the remote location hurt business during the height of the wars.
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In January of 1925, he went into Sand Cave, hoping to find a new entrance closer to the main road that could connect to the bigger system and bring in the real money.
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He crawled through tight passages, pushing his lantern ahead.
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On the way out, a twenty-six pound rock shifted and pinned his foot.
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Oh no.
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Oh no.
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Loose gravel buried most of his body.
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He was stuck one hundred and twenty feet underground.
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No.
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That is literally my worst nightmare.
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I would like to state for the record as well that my heart is actually pounding at the thought of this.
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I just don't like this at all.
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I can't even watch spelunking YouTube videos, Gabby.
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I can't either.
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They stress me out.
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I can't.
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And like watching like those cartoon animations about the nutty putty guy.
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I am not familiar, but I am intrigued.
00:18:50.079 --> 00:18:52.400
He's a guy who is a spelunker.
00:18:52.640 --> 00:18:53.599
That's what it's called, right?
00:18:53.680 --> 00:19:06.400
When they go into like caves with super tight passages, and he ended up going down a little passage and he got stuck upside down, so his head is pointing down, and he could not get out.
00:19:06.559 --> 00:19:09.680
His friends could not get him out, and he ended up dying.
00:19:09.920 --> 00:19:15.279
And they left him there because the rescuers couldn't even get his body out of it.
00:19:15.519 --> 00:19:21.359
And they ended up literally just cementing over that little tunnel, and that is where he remains.
00:19:21.680 --> 00:19:23.759
I I feel I I have no words.
00:19:24.240 --> 00:19:26.079
I am frozen with terror.
00:19:29.440 --> 00:19:35.839
If you ever want to go on vacation and go through like scuba diving or cave, no.
00:19:36.079 --> 00:19:37.039
The answer smell.
00:19:37.359 --> 00:19:37.519
No.
00:19:37.759 --> 00:19:41.920
I'm okay with scuba scuba diving as long as it's not in a cave.
00:19:42.400 --> 00:19:50.240
Have you seen the videos of scuba divers that go through those tiny little areas and then their equipment gets stuck and then they panic.
00:19:50.640 --> 00:19:51.039
Ugh no.
00:19:51.920 --> 00:19:54.240
We have to get through this part as quickly as possible.
00:19:54.640 --> 00:19:56.799
Continue traumatizing us, please, and thank you.
00:19:58.000 --> 00:20:06.720
After getting pinned 120 feet underground, what followed was a national spectacle for over two weeks.
00:20:06.960 --> 00:20:08.160
Two weeks, Gavin.
00:20:08.480 --> 00:20:09.759
So he was alive?
00:20:10.400 --> 00:20:14.640
Well I I continue.
00:20:14.960 --> 00:20:15.200
Okay.
00:20:16.079 --> 00:20:21.119
So over those two weeks, rescuers, reporters, and gawkers showed up.
00:20:21.440 --> 00:20:24.319
Radio broadcasts updated the nation daily.
00:20:24.640 --> 00:20:28.960
His brother, Homer, tried desperately to dig him out.
00:20:29.359 --> 00:20:37.359
Floyd stayed alive for days, talking to people who could reach him, staying hopeful even as conditions worsened.
00:20:37.599 --> 00:20:43.680
He died around February 13th, 1925, of exposure and starvation.
00:20:44.160 --> 00:20:45.680
They just couldn't get him out in time.
00:20:46.000 --> 00:20:47.279
Ah, Floyd.
00:20:47.759 --> 00:20:48.720
Oh, Floyd.
00:20:48.799 --> 00:20:49.920
And poor Homer.
00:20:50.160 --> 00:20:56.799
Can you imagine if your brother was stuck and you were just desperately trying to get him out and you couldn't like That sucks.
00:20:57.039 --> 00:20:58.480
I mean, I guess it depends on the brother.
00:20:58.640 --> 00:21:00.319
But I you you feel me.
00:21:03.839 --> 00:21:10.160
So, of course, the media circus turned his tragedy into front page news across the country.
00:21:10.400 --> 00:21:19.119
His body was even displayed for a while afterward, because nothing says respect, like turning a dead man into a tourist attraction during the Cave Wars.
00:21:19.519 --> 00:21:21.839
Yeah, that checks out for that time period.
00:21:22.720 --> 00:21:28.240
The whole Floyd Collins story exposed how ridiculous and dangerous the competition had become.
00:21:28.559 --> 00:21:33.039
A man died trying to get an edge on this stupid tourist war.
00:21:33.519 --> 00:21:40.240
It accelerated the push to turn the area into a national park, which finally happened in 1941.
00:21:40.960 --> 00:21:46.319
The wars didn't end overnight, but federal control took the air out of the worst of the sabotage.
00:21:46.720 --> 00:21:50.400
Still, the grudges and stories lingered for decades.
00:21:52.240 --> 00:21:57.200
How bad do you have to be for the government to be like, you know what?
00:21:57.359 --> 00:21:58.480
You guys are dumb.
00:21:58.720 --> 00:21:59.440
This is ours now.
00:22:00.000 --> 00:22:00.559
Fuck off.
00:22:00.880 --> 00:22:06.319
Like you don't get to play any more, gimme.
00:22:06.960 --> 00:22:09.119
The government takes the fun out of everything.
00:22:09.440 --> 00:22:16.000
But regarding Mammoth Cave, doctor, what if the cure was more than a cave?
00:22:16.319 --> 00:22:17.519
I've got a fever.
00:22:17.680 --> 00:22:20.000
The only cure is more cave.
00:22:20.240 --> 00:22:32.400
When you look at all that greed and pettiness, and then you realize the caves themselves had been around for millions of years watching humans act like idiots, that brings us to one of the strangest chapters in the whole saga.
00:22:33.119 --> 00:22:52.079
In the early eighteen forties, long before the peak of the cave wars, but right in the middle of early tourism efforts, doctor John Cogren, who owned Mammoth Cave at the time and suffered from tuberculosis himself, decided to turn part of the cave into an experimental underground hospital.
00:22:52.480 --> 00:22:55.200
He bought the cave in eighteen thirty nine.
00:22:55.440 --> 00:23:07.279
He had observed that dead animals and wood did not decay down there, and he figured the constant cold temperature and steady air might cure consumption, as tuberculosis was called back then.
00:23:07.920 --> 00:23:15.359
So he had his enslaved workers build two stone cabins and eight wooden huts about a mile inside the cave.
00:23:16.000 --> 00:23:21.440
Each hut was roughly twelve by eighteen feet with tongue and groove floors and canvas roofs.
00:23:21.680 --> 00:23:32.960
In the winter of eighteen forty two to early eighteen forty three, around sixteen patients, many of them wealthy and some who had travelled long distances, moved in.
00:23:33.279 --> 00:23:37.440
They tried to keep a normal schedule by sinking their watches to surface time.
00:23:37.680 --> 00:23:42.079
They even decorated the place with fresh foliage to make it feel less like a tomb.
00:23:42.799 --> 00:23:49.039
At first, some of them claimed to feel better, probably just from the change of scenery and hope.
00:23:49.279 --> 00:23:51.279
But then reality hit hard.
00:23:51.519 --> 00:23:58.319
The damp, unventilated environment, combined with smoke from cooking and heating fires, made everything worse.
00:23:58.559 --> 00:24:00.240
Several patients died.
00:24:00.559 --> 00:24:02.480
The rest got sicker.
00:24:02.799 --> 00:24:09.839
The experiment won't say You don't say I'm not blowing smoke up your ass, Gavin.
00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:11.599
It's a true story by golly.
00:24:11.759 --> 00:24:13.920
You're blowing smoke up a cave.
00:24:14.160 --> 00:24:19.519
I am yeah, they did blow smoke up a giant hole, but it wasn't an asshole.
00:24:20.559 --> 00:24:27.519
This experiment, believe it or not, lasted only about five months before it was abandoned as a complete failure.
00:24:27.920 --> 00:24:28.240
Dr.
00:24:28.400 --> 00:24:32.319
Cogren himself died of tuberculosis in eighteen forty nine.
00:24:32.640 --> 00:24:35.759
The two remaining stone huts are still there today.
00:24:36.000 --> 00:24:38.240
You can see them on certain tours.
00:24:38.559 --> 00:24:44.240
They stand as this perfect monument to nineteenth century medical hubris.
00:24:45.279 --> 00:24:47.119
Well, let's pivot.
00:24:47.279 --> 00:24:49.039
Let's talk about ghosts.
00:24:49.359 --> 00:24:51.599
Murder and fan fiction.
00:24:51.839 --> 00:24:54.720
Yeah! I told you these caves have everything.
00:24:55.039 --> 00:24:58.319
There's a lot of shit happening in this hole.
00:24:59.440 --> 00:25:02.240
It's a whole ordeal.
00:25:04.000 --> 00:25:05.759
I see what you did there.
00:25:07.599 --> 00:25:08.319
Anywho.
00:25:09.200 --> 00:25:16.480
So after the medical huts, that whole theme feeds right into the ghost stories that still swirl around the cave.
00:25:16.880 --> 00:25:23.200
Rangers and guides have logged over 150 paranormal reports over the years.
00:25:23.519 --> 00:25:35.519
People report hearing coughing sounds echoing from that area, like patients never quite left, ghostly figures, disembodied voices, cold spots, objects moving on their own.
00:25:35.839 --> 00:25:47.920
Stefan Bishop, an enslaved guide in the eighteen thirties and eighteen forties, who made huge discoveries, including crossing the bottomless pit, he's still reportedly seen carrying a lantern.
00:25:48.319 --> 00:25:51.119
Floyd Collins himself shows up in stories.
00:25:51.359 --> 00:25:54.240
Some people say you can hear him calling for help.
00:25:54.480 --> 00:25:57.440
Others claim his ghost helps lost cavers.
00:25:57.839 --> 00:26:00.480
Then there's the story of Melissa.
00:26:01.039 --> 00:26:04.880
This one's a real doozy, even if it started as fiction.
00:26:05.359 --> 00:26:12.480
According to the legend that has been told for generations, Melissa was a young woman living near the cave in the nineteenth century.
00:26:12.720 --> 00:26:18.000
She fell hard for her tutor, a man from up north named Mr Beverly.
00:26:18.319 --> 00:26:22.400
She was so deeply in love with him, but he didn't feel the same way.
00:26:22.720 --> 00:26:26.400
He was in love with another woman, her neighbor and friend.
00:26:26.720 --> 00:26:30.799
In a fit of jealousy and rage, Melissa decided to get revenge.
00:26:30.960 --> 00:26:42.960
She lured him deep into the cave on a tour, knowing he was terrified of the dark, and once they were far in, near areas like Echo River, she blew out their light and left him there to die.
00:26:43.200 --> 00:26:44.720
He was never seen again.
00:26:46.640 --> 00:26:49.119
That's that's a bad bitch, that's a hoof.
00:26:49.519 --> 00:26:52.799
Well, here comes the fan fiction part deeper into this cave.
00:26:53.039 --> 00:26:58.400
Years later, the story goes that Melissa herself came down with tuberculosis.
00:26:58.799 --> 00:27:03.759
On her deathbed, she confessed to what she'd done, overcome with guilt.
00:27:04.319 --> 00:27:10.960
Now her spirit is sagged to wander the cave, searching for her lost love, weeping and calling out.
00:27:11.279 --> 00:27:17.759
Visitors and guides have reported hearing screams and wails echoing from deep within the passages.
00:27:18.160 --> 00:27:24.319
Some say they've seen her figure near underground rivers, still looking for the man she abandoned.
00:27:24.799 --> 00:27:25.920
Plot twist.
00:27:26.319 --> 00:27:29.200
The entire original tale was pure fiction.
00:27:30.160 --> 00:27:36.559
It came from a gothic short story published in 1858 in a New York magazine called The Knickerbocker.
00:27:36.880 --> 00:27:38.000
I love that name.
00:27:38.720 --> 00:27:39.440
Hey, Mr.
00:27:39.519 --> 00:27:41.519
Knickerbocker Popity Bop.
00:27:42.480 --> 00:27:43.119
Yeah.
00:27:43.519 --> 00:27:45.759
How do you come up with shit like that?
00:27:46.720 --> 00:27:48.960
I wonder where that originated from, too.
00:27:49.680 --> 00:27:51.599
It's probably somebody's name.
00:27:51.920 --> 00:27:53.839
Or what is a bocker?
00:27:54.160 --> 00:27:56.000
And what are they doing to knickers?
00:27:56.319 --> 00:27:56.960
That's true.
00:27:57.119 --> 00:27:57.759
Very good.
00:27:58.000 --> 00:27:58.480
Query.
00:27:59.599 --> 00:28:00.240
Query.
00:28:02.000 --> 00:28:08.480
So for the story, the author was Lily Devereaux Blake, who had actually visited Mammoth Cave.
00:28:08.640 --> 00:28:19.359
She wrote it as a dramatic, tragic romance full of betrayal and revenge, but over time the story got repeated so often that it took on a life of its own.
00:28:19.599 --> 00:28:26.000
People started treating it like real history, and now it's one of the most famous ghost stories attached to the cave.
00:28:26.960 --> 00:28:37.519
That is Kentucky Cave Wars era drama mixed with 19th century pulp fiction, the kind of tale that thrives in the dark where your mind starts filling in the blanks.
00:28:37.839 --> 00:28:42.000
You also get shadow figures and aberrations sitting on rocks.
00:28:42.319 --> 00:28:44.880
There have been disappearances over the years.
00:28:45.119 --> 00:28:53.039
With hundreds of miles of passages and plenty more unmapped, it's easy to vanish if you're unlucky or stupid.
00:28:54.480 --> 00:28:57.119
Then you get the really out there speculation.
00:28:57.279 --> 00:29:01.440
There's alien theories, underground bases, strange lights.
00:29:01.759 --> 00:29:05.920
Conspiracy types love all the unexplored sections.
00:29:06.480 --> 00:29:13.519
I don't buy most of it, but when you're hundreds of feet down in silence so thick, it feels like it's pressing on your skull.
00:29:13.680 --> 00:29:17.359
Your mind starts filling the blanks with whatever nonsense it comes up with.
00:29:17.599 --> 00:29:18.880
Yeah, don't like that.
00:29:19.119 --> 00:29:26.079
So we just took a master class in the Mammoth Cave School of Fuck Around and Find Out.
00:29:26.319 --> 00:29:36.960
The Kentucky Cave Wars were a perfect example of humans taking something ancient, beautiful, and strange, and turning it into a battlefield for pocket change.
00:29:37.359 --> 00:29:50.559
The blind shrimp and fishing spiders were just trying to survive down there, while people up top burned ticket booths, lied to tourists, tried miracle cures that killed patients, and spun jealous revenge tales that became ghost stories.
00:29:51.279 --> 00:30:02.319
The indigenous peoples who explored those same passages thousands of years earlier with nothing but cane torches showed more sense than the guys fighting over who got to sell tickets.
00:30:02.880 --> 00:30:08.000
Mammoth Cave and its neighbors are still there, now protected as a national park.
00:30:08.240 --> 00:30:12.480
The wars are history, but the caves keep their secrets.
00:30:12.880 --> 00:30:19.440
If you go visit, take the tour, stay on the path, and maybe don't mock the darkness.
00:30:19.759 --> 00:30:25.119
It has seen some truly pathetic human behavior, and it's not going anywhere.
00:30:25.440 --> 00:30:29.519
Well, Gavin, that was the story of Mammoth Caves.
00:30:29.599 --> 00:30:30.480
What do you think?
00:30:30.799 --> 00:30:38.319
That's fascinating and terrifying, and we need to put that on the list of places we need to go check out when we're famous and rich.
00:30:38.640 --> 00:30:39.119
Yes.
00:30:41.279 --> 00:30:42.559
Like rich people do.
00:30:42.960 --> 00:30:46.880
A very, very bright flashlight.
00:30:47.200 --> 00:30:49.599
GPS, satellite phones.
00:30:49.920 --> 00:30:54.000
There will be no spelunking if I have to step down off of some kind of ledge.
00:30:54.079 --> 00:30:54.960
I ain't doing it.
00:30:55.200 --> 00:30:58.640
I will be tying a rope around the both of us.
00:31:01.519 --> 00:31:04.720
You will not be going anywhere I'm not going.
00:31:06.319 --> 00:31:08.720
We go down, we go to the city.
00:31:11.759 --> 00:31:12.559
That was cool.
00:31:12.640 --> 00:31:15.279
I did not know anything about Mammoth Cave.
00:31:15.519 --> 00:31:21.200
One of my coworkers lives in Kentucky and has visited Mammoth Cave and mentioned that it was weird.
00:31:21.519 --> 00:31:23.839
So shout out to Nikki.
00:31:24.160 --> 00:31:25.759
Thanks for the tip.
00:31:26.000 --> 00:31:27.839
Thank you, Nikki, for the drama.
00:31:30.319 --> 00:31:31.519
Alright, Gavin.
00:31:31.599 --> 00:31:33.839
That was uh that was exhibirate.
00:31:34.079 --> 00:31:35.279
That was exhibirate.
00:31:35.359 --> 00:31:36.640
That was a good exhibir.
00:31:38.799 --> 00:31:42.079
What kind of exibirit do you have for us next?
00:31:42.319 --> 00:31:44.880
I have exhibirate 120.
00:31:45.119 --> 00:31:46.480
The Bone Wars.
00:31:46.799 --> 00:31:47.839
More wars.
00:31:48.240 --> 00:31:51.599
More wars that aren't actually wars on this tours.
00:31:53.920 --> 00:31:55.599
Stupid, I love it.
00:31:56.400 --> 00:32:10.319
Well now, sell yourselves in because this correspondent finds it necessary to discuss a matter of scientific delicacy, specifically two learned gentlemen who ought to be celebrated as the founding fathers of American paleontology.
00:32:11.119 --> 00:32:14.559
These men were absolutely brilliant.
00:32:15.119 --> 00:32:20.240
They were scientists who fundamentally transformed our understanding of prehistoric life.
00:32:20.480 --> 00:32:24.640
They discovered one hundred and forty two species of dinosaurs.
00:32:25.039 --> 00:32:25.759
Oh damn.
00:32:26.079 --> 00:32:32.240
Dinosaurus Dinos is my favorite type of historical thing.
00:32:32.880 --> 00:32:37.359
They gave us triceratops and an Stegosaurus and Allosaurus.
00:32:37.599 --> 00:32:44.400
Amongst many other specimens, they filled our museums with specimens that we're still studying to this very day.
00:32:44.640 --> 00:32:50.319
They accomplished more in twenty years than most men of science managed in an entire lifetime.
00:32:50.559 --> 00:32:54.160
But here's the thing and it's a rather significant thing.
00:32:54.400 --> 00:33:05.599
They absolutely despised each other, with the kind of white hot intensity usually reserved for wartime enemies, or particularly acrimonious divorce proceedings.
00:33:06.000 --> 00:33:07.359
Ermr.
00:33:07.680 --> 00:33:10.000
This wasn't some quaint professional rivalry.
00:33:10.079 --> 00:33:22.640
We're talking about an all-consuming, life-ruining hatred that transforms brilliant scientists into petty, vindictive children willing to destroy their own work and each other just to claim victory.
00:33:22.960 --> 00:33:24.319
I've had friends like that.
00:33:24.880 --> 00:33:28.880
I mean they're not friends anymore, but I've had experience with people like that for sure.
00:33:29.200 --> 00:33:30.160
Samesies.
00:33:31.359 --> 00:33:37.200
And this is what transpires when brilliance collides head first with ego.
00:33:37.839 --> 00:33:45.359
When the desperate need to win becomes infinitely more important than the actual work itself.
00:33:45.599 --> 00:33:53.920
This is the story of the Bone Wars, and before you ask, no, we're not talking about what you think we're talking about, you lovely bunch of degenerates.
00:33:54.240 --> 00:33:57.279
No Wienars in this exhibit, not today.
00:33:57.839 --> 00:34:02.480
I am shocked at the lack of Wienars in this week's episode.
00:34:03.039 --> 00:34:04.240
So am I.
00:34:05.279 --> 00:34:09.440
We're talking about fossils and the two men who went to war over them.
00:34:09.840 --> 00:34:13.039
Aw, they're dapper looking lads, I must say.
00:34:13.440 --> 00:34:14.400
Very dapper.
00:34:14.880 --> 00:34:19.920
The one on the left is a little frightening looking, but I bet he didn't always look like that.
00:34:21.519 --> 00:34:23.599
He's seen some shit.
00:34:24.000 --> 00:34:29.440
Cave wars, dinosaur bone wars, all kinds of wars.
00:34:30.079 --> 00:34:40.719
First up we have Edward Drinker Cope, born eighteen forty to a wealthy Quaker family in Philadelphia, and Lord have mercy did that man know it.
00:34:40.960 --> 00:34:49.840
The Copes had money, the kind of old Philadelphia money that came with expectations and a certain insufferable sense of superiority.
00:34:50.079 --> 00:34:59.280
Young Edward was a child prodigy of sorts, published his very first scientific paper at the age of nineteen, and was discovering new species by his twenties.
00:34:59.679 --> 00:35:12.400
The man was absolutely brilliant, genuinely frighteningly brilliant with an encyclopedic memory and the kind of academic confidence that comes from actually knowing what the hell you're talking about.
00:35:12.719 --> 00:35:14.239
I cannot relate.
00:35:14.480 --> 00:35:16.239
Mean but good for him.
00:35:16.480 --> 00:35:26.639
But here's where it gets interesting, and where Cope's considerable talents began to slow began their slow collision with his even more considerable character flaws.
00:35:27.199 --> 00:35:30.079
The man was as arrogant as sin.
00:35:30.800 --> 00:35:40.880
Not the quiet, dignified arrogance of a scholar secure in his knowledge, but the loud arrogance of someone who needed everyone in the room to know exactly how smart he was.
00:35:41.760 --> 00:35:44.639
And we all know a few of those types.
00:35:44.960 --> 00:35:45.360
Yeah.
00:35:45.760 --> 00:35:50.480
He would correct people mid sentence, he'd interrupt lectures to point out errors.
00:35:50.639 --> 00:35:56.880
He'd write scathing reviews of other scientists' work with the kind of viciousness usually reserved for personal vendettas.
00:35:57.440 --> 00:36:06.320
He was temperamental as a wet cat, and thin skinned in a way that would make a Victorian debutante look positively thick hided by comparison.
00:36:06.639 --> 00:36:16.079
The man held grudges like they were Olympic medals, polishing them, displaying them, bringing them out at dinner parties to remind everyone of past slights.
00:36:16.400 --> 00:36:19.280
He couldn't let anything go ever.
00:36:20.559 --> 00:36:25.440
A critical comment in a journal remembered for life.
00:36:25.760 --> 00:36:29.679
A colleague who disagreed with him, enemy for eternity.
00:36:30.000 --> 00:36:33.199
A rival who got credit for something he felt he deserved?
00:36:33.440 --> 00:36:36.159
Well that's a wound that would fester for decades.
00:36:36.719 --> 00:36:44.800
And because he was independently wealthy, genuinely spectacularly wealthy, he didn't answer to anyone.
00:36:45.679 --> 00:36:57.679
So as a uh person, I don't think I would want this man to be part of my daily life, but as an observer, I would be soaking in that tea.
00:36:57.920 --> 00:37:05.599
I would be following every move he made, and I would be kicking my little feet in tea glee.
00:37:06.239 --> 00:37:06.800
Absolutely.
00:37:07.840 --> 00:37:09.440
You will get the chance to do so.
00:37:10.320 --> 00:37:12.079
So he didn't answer to anybody.
00:37:12.320 --> 00:37:19.440
Not a university board, not a government agency, not the scientific establishment's unwritten rules to civility.
00:37:19.599 --> 00:37:33.280
It was just Cope, his considerable fortune, and his even more considerable ego running wild through the scientific world like a bull in a china shop, breaking things and wondering why everyone was so upset about it.
00:37:33.519 --> 00:37:35.519
Now about his gambling problem.
00:37:35.840 --> 00:37:39.840
Oh girl, this man gambled like his life depended on it.
00:37:40.159 --> 00:37:45.519
Cards, horses, speculation, if there was money to be lost, Cope found a way to lose it.
00:37:45.760 --> 00:37:50.480
He'd win big, feel invincible, then lose it all on some foolish bet.
00:37:51.039 --> 00:37:54.239
His family was constantly exasperated with him.
00:37:54.559 --> 00:37:55.199
I bet.
00:37:56.559 --> 00:38:10.000
He was a man with inherited wealth, a man who could have funded decades of careful paleontological research, and instead he was throwing money away on gambling debts like some desperate riverboat gambler.
00:38:10.559 --> 00:38:16.480
This particular character flaw, as any sensible person might imagine, will not serve him well in the years to come.
00:38:16.800 --> 00:38:17.199
Pause.
00:38:18.480 --> 00:38:20.239
You mentioned family.
00:38:20.719 --> 00:38:35.119
Now I'm not sure if you meant parents, siblings, but I giggle internally at the thought of some poor woman thinking she hit the jackpot with just this so intelligent, rich man.
00:38:35.679 --> 00:38:37.760
And then come to find out.
00:38:39.280 --> 00:38:41.519
She's like, damn it, shit.
00:38:42.800 --> 00:38:45.280
He probably would have gambled her away too.
00:38:46.719 --> 00:38:48.320
But that's enough about Cope.
00:38:48.480 --> 00:38:52.239
Let's move on to the second half of this academic cage match.
00:38:52.559 --> 00:38:58.000
Enter Othneil Charles Marsh, born 1831, a Yale graduate.
00:38:58.320 --> 00:39:07.199
Marsh came from a family whose poverty made Edward Drinker Cope's modest Quaker upbringing seem like the wealth of a Titanic oil tycoon.
00:39:07.440 --> 00:39:15.679
They came from upstate New York, they were struggling farmers, no prospects, no connections, the kind of family that didn't produce famous scientists.
00:39:15.840 --> 00:39:19.679
They produced people who worked the land and kept their heads down.
00:39:19.920 --> 00:39:28.800
But young Othneon had something Cope didn't, a gift for recognizing opportunity and the shamelessness to exploit it.
00:39:29.519 --> 00:39:43.599
His uncle, George Peabotty happened to be one of the richest men in America, a banking magnate with more money than God and considerably fewer scruples about how to spend it.
00:39:43.920 --> 00:39:50.800
O'Thneel attached himself to that fortune like a particularly determined barnacle, and he never let go.
00:39:51.280 --> 00:40:08.800
O'Thneel convinced dear Uncle George, through what we can only assume was a combination of flattery, family obligation, and relentless pestering, to donate an absolutely obscene amount of money to Yale University to create a natural history museum.
00:40:09.119 --> 00:40:10.400
Oh, that'll do it.
00:40:10.639 --> 00:40:12.960
The Peabody Museum, they called it.
00:40:13.199 --> 00:40:14.400
And wouldn't you know it?
00:40:14.639 --> 00:40:21.360
Young O'Neill managed to position himself as the very first professor of paleontology.
00:40:21.760 --> 00:40:32.719
The man essentially bought himself a prestigious academic position with somebody else's money, and then had the audacity to act like he'd earned it through merit.
00:40:33.360 --> 00:40:36.079
Is it bad that I'm already on his side?
00:40:36.320 --> 00:40:38.159
Like respect the hustle.
00:40:38.400 --> 00:40:39.519
Respect the hustle.
00:40:39.920 --> 00:40:45.360
I understand, and I feel like it probably isn't as easy as history has led us to believe.
00:40:45.599 --> 00:40:49.440
Him convincing his uncle to give all that money to be able to do such things.
00:40:49.679 --> 00:40:51.920
What did he have to do for that money?
00:40:52.239 --> 00:40:54.239
Or what did he have on his uncle?
00:40:54.400 --> 00:40:55.760
Maybe it was blackmail.
00:40:56.079 --> 00:40:59.679
Or maybe his uncle was Uncle Nono and they figured out a barter.
00:40:59.760 --> 00:41:00.239
I don't know.
00:41:00.559 --> 00:41:02.880
Or maybe his uncle was Uncle Yes Yes.
00:41:06.559 --> 00:41:10.320
I don't have an uncle Nono or an Uncle Yes Yes, so I would not know.
00:41:11.920 --> 00:41:17.760
Yep, you and me we're gonna just stay in poverty until this podcast takes off.
00:41:17.920 --> 00:41:19.840
Please remember to like and subscribe.
00:41:20.079 --> 00:41:22.400
Listen wherever you listen to podcasts.
00:41:23.119 --> 00:41:25.760
We are IMDP accredited.
00:41:26.239 --> 00:41:27.679
We have a Patreon.
00:41:27.840 --> 00:41:30.320
I will personally make you a hoodie.
00:41:31.360 --> 00:41:39.119
But here's the thing, while Cope was out there discovering fossils through sheer brilliance and determination, Marsh was building an empire.
00:41:39.440 --> 00:41:54.400
He had institutional backing, he had government funding, he had the full weight of Yale University behind him, and all of the machinery of the Eastern establishment, all of the connections, all of the credibility that came with being part of the academic elite.
00:41:54.960 --> 00:42:01.280
He had access to resources Cope could only dream about, and he knew exactly how to use them.
00:42:01.519 --> 00:42:10.559
Where Cope was raw brilliance and impulsive energy, Marsh was methodical, calculating, and politically savvy in a way that made Cope look like an amateur.
00:42:10.880 --> 00:42:16.880
The recipe for disaster one hundred percent, my friend.
00:42:17.840 --> 00:42:20.239
The man understood power structures.
00:42:20.480 --> 00:42:31.199
Because you know when you're a little guy like him and me and you, when you're sitting at the bottom for a long time it's very easy to see and look through all the cracks in the system.
00:42:33.679 --> 00:42:43.920
So he understood how to work a room, how to cultivate relationships with the right kind of people, how to position himself as the reasonable voice of scientific authority.
00:42:44.320 --> 00:42:53.039
He was smooth, where Cope was jagged, diplomatic where Cope was combatitive, and strategic where Cope was reactive.
00:42:53.840 --> 00:43:04.079
But and this is the part that makes the whole thing so perfectly tragic, beneath all of that professionalism and polish lurked a man who was petty as hell.
00:43:04.480 --> 00:43:10.320
Vindictive as a scorned lover, absolutely ruthless when it came to competition.
00:43:10.559 --> 00:43:13.840
Marsh had simply learned to hide it better than Cope.
00:43:14.079 --> 00:43:24.800
He wore his ambition in a three piece suit and spoke it in measured academic tones, but make no mistake, this man wanted to win just as badly as Cope did.
00:43:25.119 --> 00:43:28.400
He just happened to have better manners about it.
00:43:28.880 --> 00:43:32.239
The difference was that Marsh had the establishment on his side.
00:43:32.480 --> 00:43:35.519
When Cope fought, he was fighting against the system.
00:43:35.679 --> 00:43:41.119
When Marsh fought, he was fighting with the full weight of institutional authority behind him.
00:43:41.280 --> 00:43:44.320
And that gave him a considerable advantage.
00:43:44.559 --> 00:43:53.760
So there you have it, two brilliant men, both arrogant as the devil, both convinced they deserved to be remembered as the greatest paleontologist of their generation.
00:43:54.000 --> 00:43:58.320
One had money and independence, the other had connections and institutional power.
00:43:58.559 --> 00:44:04.239
Reports indicate that this Was already shaping up to be a train wreck of spectacular proportions.
00:44:04.639 --> 00:44:06.320
It could go either way.
00:44:06.559 --> 00:44:12.719
It could have gone train wreck or ultimate power couple in all of the universe.
00:44:13.039 --> 00:44:16.000
And you stand 100% correct.
00:44:16.159 --> 00:44:19.280
On that second one is where it should have went, but it did not.
00:44:20.159 --> 00:44:21.760
Coulda shoulda woulda.
00:44:21.920 --> 00:44:22.559
Nope.
00:44:22.960 --> 00:44:26.079
As history would have it, and here's the tragic part.
00:44:26.320 --> 00:44:28.800
At first these two actually liked each other.
00:44:29.039 --> 00:44:34.320
Back in the 1860s, they were genuinely friendly colleagues exchanging letters and sharing discoveries.
00:44:34.559 --> 00:44:38.480
Cope even named a species after Marsh as a gesture of respect.
00:44:38.800 --> 00:44:40.719
Like how nice.
00:44:53.119 --> 00:45:00.239
Cope is reconstructing a plesiosaur and making a rather significant anatomical error.
00:45:00.400 --> 00:45:03.599
He puts the skull on the wrong end of the creature.
00:45:03.920 --> 00:45:06.719
The head goes on the tail.
00:45:07.199 --> 00:45:11.599
Where can cope went on the other end.
00:45:11.760 --> 00:45:24.000
And Marsh notices this mistake, and instead of quietly mentioning it in private, he decides to publicly humiliate him in front of other scientists at a professional gathering.
00:45:24.320 --> 00:45:26.320
Oh no, bad move.
00:45:26.559 --> 00:45:34.000
He points out the error with gleeful precision, making absolutely certain everyone knows about Cope's spectacular mistake.
00:45:34.159 --> 00:45:35.679
And Cope is mortified.
00:45:41.519 --> 00:45:42.320
Nope.
00:45:42.639 --> 00:45:43.119
Uh oh.
00:45:43.679 --> 00:45:51.199
The man tries to buy up every single copy of the publication containing his error, desperately attempting to destroy the evidence, but it's too late.
00:45:51.360 --> 00:45:54.400
From that moment on, something fundamental shifts.
00:45:54.639 --> 00:45:57.039
The friendship dies right there.
00:45:57.440 --> 00:45:58.800
I mean, I can't blame him.
00:45:59.039 --> 00:46:02.639
No, that's where Bitch, I'm out.
00:46:03.360 --> 00:46:03.840
See ya.
00:46:05.840 --> 00:46:08.800
Give me my friendship bracelet back, you prick.
00:46:10.719 --> 00:46:13.199
I want my pterodactyl leg back.
00:46:13.679 --> 00:46:21.840
The professional respect curdles into something darker, something obsessive, something that will consume both of them for the next three decades.
00:46:22.559 --> 00:46:32.960
This is when the bone wars truly begin, with this one act of petty academic cruelty that transforms two brilliant scientists into lifelong enemies.
00:46:33.199 --> 00:46:42.880
Throughout the early eighteen seventies, both men are working in Kansas and Nebraska, where the American West is revealing itself to be a paleontological gold mine.
00:46:43.440 --> 00:46:56.320
They're sometimes working in the same quarries, not together, good lord no, but close enough to engage in what can only be described as passive aggressive paleontology, which is I get it, that's my brand.
00:46:56.639 --> 00:46:58.880
Right, look yeah, there's nothing wrong with that.
00:46:59.599 --> 00:47:02.320
It's professional competition at its most petty.
00:47:02.480 --> 00:47:04.800
But the real escalation is still coming.
00:47:05.039 --> 00:47:08.400
It arrives in 1877 in the form of a letter.
00:47:08.639 --> 00:47:19.360
A school teacher named Arthur Lakes is exploring near Colorado and finds massive bones, clearly from some prehistoric creature so large that it defies comprehension.
00:47:19.679 --> 00:47:22.639
Lakes writes to March describing his discovery.
00:47:22.880 --> 00:47:29.199
But then, either very clever or catastrophically stupid, he also writes to Cope.
00:47:29.519 --> 00:47:30.000
Why?
00:47:31.039 --> 00:47:32.400
Just in case.
00:47:33.119 --> 00:47:33.280
Okay.
00:47:33.760 --> 00:47:38.559
When Marsh receives Lake's letter, he feels pure panic.
00:47:38.800 --> 00:47:42.400
If Lakes wrote to him, he probably also wrote to Cope.
00:47:42.559 --> 00:47:49.519
Marsh immediately offers money for exclusive access and begs Lakes to tell absolutely no one.
00:47:49.920 --> 00:47:52.000
Especially not Cope.
00:47:52.320 --> 00:47:54.000
But it's too late.
00:47:54.400 --> 00:47:55.840
I got bad news.
00:47:56.079 --> 00:47:57.679
Cope already knows.
00:47:57.920 --> 00:48:00.800
And then the universe delivers the real prize.
00:48:01.039 --> 00:48:09.679
Two railroad workers stumble across something at Como Bluff in Wyoming that makes Lake's discovery look like a warm-up act.
00:48:09.920 --> 00:48:11.760
This is the mother load.
00:48:12.000 --> 00:48:27.280
Fossils are everywhere, stacked in layers, bones literally protruding from the ground like stegosaurus, allosaurus, creatures so massive and so perfectly preserved that any paleontologist worth his salt would commit minor felonies to get their hands on them.
00:48:27.599 --> 00:48:34.639
You're not even a paleontologist, Gavin, but I imagine that you would also commit minor felonies to get your hands on those.
00:48:34.960 --> 00:48:36.320
Probably major ones too.
00:48:36.559 --> 00:48:37.679
Yeah, yeah.
00:48:37.920 --> 00:48:41.599
You'd be like jail time, will I get out before I'm dead?
00:48:41.920 --> 00:48:42.239
Bet.
00:48:42.639 --> 00:48:43.280
Cool.
00:48:45.199 --> 00:48:48.800
The railroad workers write to Marsh with a business proposition.
00:48:48.960 --> 00:48:51.679
They'll work exclusively for him.
00:48:52.239 --> 00:48:55.920
For a price, of course, a very substantial price.
00:48:56.320 --> 00:48:58.239
And Marsh agrees immediately.
00:48:58.480 --> 00:49:00.000
He doesn't even haggle.
00:49:00.239 --> 00:49:06.639
He's got himself a secret fossil mine that Cope doesn't know about, and he's willing to pay whatever it takes to keep it that way.
00:49:06.880 --> 00:49:08.400
So he sends the money.
00:49:08.559 --> 00:49:12.159
He sends instructions, he sends promises of future wealth.
00:49:12.320 --> 00:49:16.559
He's practically giddy with the prospects of having Como bluff all to himself.
00:49:16.719 --> 00:49:18.880
Except Cope finds out.
00:49:19.119 --> 00:49:20.480
Because of course he finds out.
00:49:22.320 --> 00:49:28.079
If you think that your enemies are not watching you with a very, very close eye.
00:49:28.559 --> 00:49:29.760
You'd be wrong.
00:49:30.079 --> 00:49:30.719
Right.
00:49:31.920 --> 00:49:32.800
Tends to be true.
00:49:32.960 --> 00:49:35.360
Have you been on social media ever?
00:49:35.760 --> 00:49:36.159
Yup.
00:49:38.000 --> 00:49:42.480
And when this information reaches him, Cope absolutely loses his mind.
00:49:42.880 --> 00:49:45.440
Now you have to understand what this means to Cope.
00:49:45.599 --> 00:49:47.840
This isn't just about fossils anymore.
00:49:48.079 --> 00:49:50.000
This is about Marsh winning.
00:49:50.159 --> 00:49:57.519
This is about the institutional power structure that Cope has been fighting against his entire career, finally getting the upper hand.
00:49:57.760 --> 00:50:04.719
This is about being outmaneuvered by a man he considers intellectually inferior, but institutionally superior.
00:50:05.039 --> 00:50:08.800
This is about losing, and Cope doesn't lose well.
00:50:09.360 --> 00:50:12.000
Member, him's a gambler.
00:50:12.320 --> 00:50:16.159
The man goes into what can only be described as a financial panic.
00:50:16.320 --> 00:50:18.800
He starts sending telegrams, urgent ones.
00:50:18.880 --> 00:50:24.480
He's offering money, serious money to anyone who can get him access to coma bluff.
00:50:24.639 --> 00:50:27.199
He's offering more than Marsh is offering.
00:50:27.519 --> 00:50:29.519
He's doubling the offer.
00:50:29.840 --> 00:50:32.000
He's eventually tripling it.
00:50:32.239 --> 00:50:36.239
He's throwing money at this problem like a man possessed.
00:50:36.480 --> 00:50:40.320
Like his very soul depends on getting those bones before Marsh does.
00:50:40.480 --> 00:50:42.559
So he hires his own teams.
00:50:42.800 --> 00:50:44.800
Not one team, multiple teams.
00:50:44.960 --> 00:50:52.639
He's sending crews to Wyoming with instructions to find Como Bluff, to state claims, to start digging, to do whatever it takes.
00:50:52.880 --> 00:50:56.800
He's offering wages that are absolutely insane for the time.
00:50:57.039 --> 00:51:00.719
Wages that make the railroad workers' eyes go wide.
00:51:01.280 --> 00:51:03.440
I am sensing mutiny.
00:51:04.159 --> 00:51:09.280
He's essentially declaring war on Marsh through the medium of cold hard cash.
00:51:09.760 --> 00:51:21.440
And Marsh naturally responds by raising his own wages, because if Cope's willing to pay that much, then Cope must know something that Marsh doesn't, and Marsh cannot and will not be out of bid.
00:51:22.079 --> 00:51:24.079
So Marsh raises his offers.
00:51:24.320 --> 00:51:26.000
Cope then raises his.
00:52:01.039 --> 00:52:04.880
And the cost is about to get very, very high.
00:52:05.039 --> 00:52:08.639
Now what followed was a full on public embarrassment.
00:52:08.880 --> 00:52:15.440
The fossil beds became a battleground in the most literal sense possible, and I do mean literally.
00:52:15.760 --> 00:52:16.480
Oh my.
00:52:16.719 --> 00:52:32.400
We're talking about the Wyoming and Dakota territories in the eighteen seventies and eighteen eighties, where law enforcement was a mere suggestion and two wealthy eastern gentlemen were just essentially funding private armies to fight over dinosaur bones.
00:52:33.280 --> 00:52:38.719
So let's start with the information warfare because these men were absolutely diabolical with it.
00:52:39.039 --> 00:52:47.039
Cope's team would spread rumors about where Marsh's crew were headed, sending them on wild goose chases across hundreds of miles of badlands.
00:52:47.280 --> 00:52:52.639
False reports of major discoveries at sites that had nothing but rocks and disappointment.
00:52:52.960 --> 00:53:01.679
Marsh would do the same thing in reverse, sending Cope's team scrambling towards phantom fossil beds while his own crews worked undisturbed at the real sites.
00:53:01.840 --> 00:53:11.280
It was psychological warfare, and it was working beautifully until both men got wise to it and started trusting absolutely nobody.
00:53:11.519 --> 00:53:13.199
So then came the bribery.
00:53:13.360 --> 00:53:25.280
Cope's representatives would show up at Marsh's dig sites and offer workers double, sometimes triple their current wage to switch teams immediately, and not just switch teams, but sabotage the current site before leaving.
00:53:25.519 --> 00:53:32.719
They would drain the water from the excavation sites, loosen the support structures, leave tools in places where they'd cause problems.
00:53:32.960 --> 00:53:35.440
Marsh's people did the same exact thing.
00:53:35.679 --> 00:53:43.840
Workers were being paid to betray their employers, and they were doing it gleefully because the money was genuinely life-changing for frontier laborers.
00:53:44.159 --> 00:53:45.119
Yeah, I bet.
00:53:45.199 --> 00:53:46.800
I can't say I wouldn't do the same.
00:53:46.960 --> 00:53:48.639
I'd be like, oh, you're offering me more money?
00:53:48.800 --> 00:53:49.280
Yeah, sure.
00:53:49.360 --> 00:53:49.440
Okay.
00:53:49.840 --> 00:53:50.960
Whatever you say, boss.
00:53:51.199 --> 00:53:55.840
I'd like to say that I wouldn't, but with that much money on the line, hello.
00:53:57.760 --> 00:54:08.000
But the real horror and the part that should have scandalized the entire scientific establishment was what happened when one team couldn't fully excavate a site before the other had arrived.
00:54:08.239 --> 00:54:12.320
They began destroying fossils deliberately.
00:54:12.639 --> 00:54:12.880
No.
00:54:13.360 --> 00:54:23.679
If Cope's team couldn't get to a promising bone bed before Marsh's crew showed up, they'd send in workers with hammers and chisels to smash the remaining specimens into unrecognizable rubble.
00:54:23.840 --> 00:54:26.639
Which Alright, I'm no longer having a good time here.
00:54:26.800 --> 00:54:27.519
That's horrible.
00:54:27.840 --> 00:54:28.639
And root.
00:54:29.119 --> 00:54:40.639
Root millions of years of evolutionary history reduced to fragments, all because better to obliterate irreplaceable scientific specimens than to let another man claim the discovery.
00:54:41.039 --> 00:54:45.280
I mean, that kinda sums up toxic male ego beautifully.
00:54:45.440 --> 00:54:45.760
Yeah.
00:54:46.239 --> 00:54:47.039
Absolutely.
00:54:47.280 --> 00:54:50.480
By the 1880s, it wasn't just hammers.
00:54:50.639 --> 00:54:52.480
They were using dynamite.
00:54:52.719 --> 00:54:54.000
Actual explosives.
00:54:54.239 --> 00:54:59.199
Cope's team would blow up entire quarry faces rather than leave them for Marsh.
00:54:59.360 --> 00:55:01.840
And Marsh's team would do the same.
00:55:02.079 --> 00:55:02.639
Wow.
00:55:02.960 --> 00:55:09.360
The sound of dynamite echoing across the Badlands became the soundtrack of a paleontological process.
00:55:09.679 --> 00:55:19.199
Workers who had been mining in mining camps their whole lives said they'd never seen anything like it, the systematic, deliberate destruction of natural resources purely out of spite.
00:55:19.440 --> 00:55:22.960
The physical violence escalated right alongside the destruction.
00:55:23.199 --> 00:55:31.360
There are documented reports, actual newspaper accounts, and letters from the time of workers throwing rocks at each other from across quarries.
00:55:31.679 --> 00:55:39.679
Not in anger, mind you, but as an organized tactic, stone throwing battles, coordinated attacks.
00:55:40.480 --> 00:55:46.639
Cope's team would position themselves on high ground and rain rocks down on Marsh's workers below.
00:55:46.880 --> 00:55:50.079
Which these poor guys are just out there trying to make a bug.
00:55:50.559 --> 00:55:55.039
Oh my god, it's like the worst game of dodgeball I've ever heard of.
00:55:55.360 --> 00:56:01.360
But Marsh's team would respond with volleys of their own, and men got hurt very badly.
00:56:01.599 --> 00:56:07.760
Broken bones, head wounds, at least one worker was nearly killed when a large stone caught him in the chest.
00:56:08.000 --> 00:56:12.159
Some teams started carrying guns, actual firearms.
00:56:12.400 --> 00:56:14.960
Who brings guns to a bone fight?
00:56:15.280 --> 00:56:21.119
I'm sorry, why my thought is why the fuck didn't they think of guns after the first rock was thrown?
00:56:21.280 --> 00:56:21.599
For real.
00:56:21.920 --> 00:56:26.320
They just had a few fuggin' wars with rocks before they thought of guns.
00:56:26.559 --> 00:56:27.360
Come on.
00:56:27.840 --> 00:56:32.639
There were even wild, wild western standoffs at Dino Dig sites.
00:56:33.199 --> 00:56:41.119
Armed men facing off over a promising bone bed, fingers on their triggers, ready to shoot over a stegosaurus skeleton.
00:56:41.360 --> 00:56:45.599
And then workers started quitting in disgust.
00:56:45.920 --> 00:56:48.079
Oh, it took them long enough to do it.
00:56:48.239 --> 00:56:50.000
It took 'em way too long.
00:56:50.800 --> 00:56:59.599
It's like they're just now leaving murder 17 people and destroy countless artifacts and be like, you know what?
00:56:59.840 --> 00:57:00.880
It's kind of gross.
00:57:00.960 --> 00:57:02.079
I think I'm gonna walk away.
00:57:02.639 --> 00:57:07.840
Once the dynamite came out, I've been like, you know, it was fun, but I'm out.
00:57:08.719 --> 00:57:11.199
Everybody has their limits, I guess.
00:57:11.440 --> 00:57:21.039
So men who had signed up for honest work in paleontology found themselves caught in the middle of what amounted to be a private war between two obsessed millionaire know it alls.
00:57:21.280 --> 00:57:24.079
And the chaos was absolute and it was loud.
00:57:24.320 --> 00:57:31.360
A man would show up for work one morning and find that overnight Cope's team had taken dynamite to the entire quarry face.
00:57:31.840 --> 00:57:37.519
Or their team would arrive to discover that Marsh's crew had stolen all of the tools and left nothing but destruction.
00:57:37.840 --> 00:57:39.440
The working conditions were dangerous.
00:57:39.599 --> 00:57:49.440
The pay, while good, came with the constant threat of violence and the moral compromise of deliberately destroying scientific specimens war on people's consciousness.
00:57:49.760 --> 00:57:53.440
The newspapers, naturally, had themselves a feast.
00:57:53.599 --> 00:58:00.239
Local papers in Wyoming and Kansas ran stories about the bone wars with a mixture of horror and entertainment.
00:58:00.639 --> 00:58:03.280
Eastern papers picked it up and ran with it.
00:58:03.440 --> 00:58:16.000
Here were two of America's most respected scientists funded by some of the country's wealthiest institutions, literally waging war over dinosaur bones like they were fighting over gold in a mining camp.
00:58:16.320 --> 00:58:21.519
The public was appalled, and neither Cope nor Marsh showed any sign of stopping.
00:58:21.760 --> 00:58:28.000
Somebody should have taken these men aside and offered them two chairs, a glass of bourbon and a therapist.
00:58:29.519 --> 00:58:30.639
Eighteen hundreds?
00:58:31.199 --> 00:58:32.239
Therapists?
00:58:32.559 --> 00:58:37.039
They'd probably just get a lobotomy in electric shock therapy or something.
00:58:37.199 --> 00:58:39.280
It would have made it way worse.
00:58:45.519 --> 00:58:47.599
Oh, I kinda wish it was a thing.
00:58:47.760 --> 00:58:48.159
Never mind.
00:58:48.480 --> 00:58:48.880
Continue.
00:58:49.679 --> 00:58:51.920
Fortunately, that did not happen.
00:58:52.079 --> 00:58:54.719
Because by this point the machinery was in motion.
00:58:54.880 --> 00:59:08.159
The money was flowing, the reputations were on the line, and two men had become so consumed by the need to defeat each other that they'd lost sight of everything else, including human decency and scientific ethics.
00:59:08.480 --> 00:59:09.920
Yeah, that'll happen.
00:59:10.159 --> 00:59:13.440
Meanwhile, back east, they're fighting a publication war.
00:59:13.679 --> 00:59:15.360
Another war! Another war.
00:59:19.280 --> 00:59:23.920
In paleontology, whoever publishes first gets to name the species.
00:59:24.480 --> 00:59:34.480
So they're racing to publish, churning out papers based on incomplete fossils, writing descriptions so rushed that any reasonable scientist would wait for more evidence.
00:59:34.719 --> 00:59:40.800
The result is a spectacular mess of mistakes, misidentifications, and duplicate names.
00:59:41.199 --> 00:59:53.440
I'm sorry, but if that was the case and I had a feud and I got to name a dinosaur, why do we not have more dinosaurs named like Cope's Wiener is Tinyasaurus?
00:59:53.679 --> 00:59:54.719
Like why?
00:59:55.199 --> 00:59:56.400
What the hell?
00:59:56.800 --> 00:59:59.199
I would be completely immature about that.
00:59:59.519 --> 01:00:01.280
They were not petty enough.
01:00:03.920 --> 01:00:08.719
So eventually Cope publishes over 1,400 papers in his lifetime.
01:00:08.960 --> 01:00:19.840
Marsh publishes around 300, but Marsh has institutional support and government backing, Yale University, and federal funding.
01:00:20.719 --> 01:00:25.679
Resources that Cope for all his family's wealth simply cannot match.
01:00:25.920 --> 01:00:28.800
By the late 1880s, Cope is running out of money.
01:00:29.119 --> 01:00:31.599
The gambling problem ain't helping.
01:00:31.840 --> 01:00:36.480
He's selling off his fossil collection just to fund the continued competition.
01:00:36.880 --> 01:00:40.800
So in 1890, Cope does something absolutely wild.
01:00:41.599 --> 01:00:54.639
He goes to the press, not only a scientific journal, but the New York Herald, a major newspaper, and he writes a full blown expose attacking Marsh with every weapon in his rhetorical arsenal.
01:00:55.119 --> 01:01:00.719
He accuses Marsh of plagiarism, of misusing government funds, of scientific fraud.
01:01:00.960 --> 01:01:03.920
It's character assassination a shashation.
01:01:06.159 --> 01:01:07.599
Character sassination.
01:01:08.559 --> 01:01:13.039
It's character assassination in print, where everyone can see it.
01:01:13.679 --> 01:01:17.840
The newspapers, naturally, had themselves another feast.
01:01:18.159 --> 01:01:22.880
Marsh fires back, also in the Herald, defending himself and launching counterattacks.
01:01:23.039 --> 01:01:28.239
It becomes a full blown public spectacle, a scandal of considerable proportion.
01:01:28.559 --> 01:01:32.320
The scientific establishment is absolutely horrified.
01:01:32.880 --> 01:01:41.199
By the early 1890s, both men are exhausted, Cope is nearly broke, Marsh's government funding has been cut after the scandal.
01:01:41.440 --> 01:01:45.679
Both are aging bitter and isolated, and neither of them has won.
01:01:45.920 --> 01:01:48.320
Because there's no winning in this war.
01:01:48.480 --> 01:01:49.679
That ain't a war.
01:01:50.159 --> 01:01:52.559
Fight until you're broken dead.
01:01:52.800 --> 01:01:53.760
Good job.
01:01:54.079 --> 01:01:58.559
Then Cope dies in 1897 at fifty six.
01:01:58.880 --> 01:02:03.840
Financially ruined, professionally isolated, and still angry at Marsh.
01:02:04.480 --> 01:02:08.079
But here's what perfectly encapsulates how deep this obsession ran.
01:02:08.239 --> 01:02:11.440
Before he died, Cope donated his brain to science.
01:02:11.679 --> 01:02:14.960
Not out of noble desire to advance medical knowledge.
01:02:15.280 --> 01:02:20.320
Oh no, but because he wanted scientists to prove his brain was bigger than Marsh's.
01:02:22.880 --> 01:02:25.760
Even in death, Cope wanted to win.
01:02:25.920 --> 01:02:28.159
Bless his mind's bigger.
01:02:29.519 --> 01:02:33.519
And then, just a few years later, Marsh died in 1899.
01:02:33.920 --> 01:02:41.440
Two years after Cope, also financially struggling, also bitter, and also unable to escape the shadow of their rivalry.
01:02:41.760 --> 01:02:44.639
Did he also donate his brain to science?
01:02:44.880 --> 01:02:45.920
I don't know.
01:02:46.159 --> 01:02:49.519
It would be so funny if he doubled down and he's like, fucking bet.
01:02:49.760 --> 01:02:51.599
Look in my brain when I die too.
01:02:52.800 --> 01:02:55.599
We'll find out in the afterlife, motherfucker.
01:02:57.039 --> 01:03:02.239
Between them, Copen Marsh discovered and named 142 new species of dinosaurs.
01:03:02.320 --> 01:03:06.559
They fundamentally changed how we understand the history of life on Earth.
01:03:06.800 --> 01:03:13.039
They proved that dinosaurs existed, that they were diverse and dominated the planet for millions of years.
01:03:13.280 --> 01:03:17.760
They filled museums with specimens that people still gawk at and study today.
01:03:17.920 --> 01:03:20.960
Their work laid the foundation for modern paleontology.
01:03:21.199 --> 01:03:25.679
But they also destroyed countless fossils in their petty sabotage campaigns.
01:03:25.840 --> 01:03:34.239
They made many errors in their rush to publish, they wasted enormous amounts of money that could have funded decades of careful research.
01:03:34.719 --> 01:03:37.280
And they ruined their own damn lives.
01:03:37.440 --> 01:03:44.639
They died unhappy and bitter, spent their final years fighting battles that no longer matter to anyone else but themselves.
01:03:44.800 --> 01:03:49.920
The Bone Wars are a perfect, terrible example of what happens when ego overtakes purpose.
01:03:50.239 --> 01:03:58.159
Cope and Marsh were genuinely spectacularly brilliant, as any sensible person might imagine.
01:03:58.559 --> 01:04:00.000
It's my favorite line.
01:04:00.239 --> 01:04:11.519
They might have accomplished so much more if they had just worked together or hear me out, just left each other the fuck alone.
01:04:11.920 --> 01:04:12.480
Right.
01:04:12.719 --> 01:04:14.320
But they just couldn't do it.
01:04:14.639 --> 01:04:19.679
They could not set their egos aside and they could not forgive that first slight.
01:04:20.239 --> 01:04:26.960
Because they are human, and humans are petty and competitive and obsessed with being right.
01:04:27.440 --> 01:04:33.280
But here's the thing, we still have the dinosaurs, we still have the triceratops, and the stegosaurus, and the allosaurus.
01:04:33.440 --> 01:04:37.039
We still have museums full of fossils that children and adults marvel at.
01:04:37.599 --> 01:04:43.599
Their obsession, as destructive as it was, drove them to discover things that might have stayed buried for decades longer.
01:04:44.079 --> 01:04:56.800
So the next time you see a dinosaur skeleton in a museum, remember that there's a good chance it was discovered by two men who hated each other so much that they literally destroyed fossils just to spite each other.
01:04:57.039 --> 01:05:02.159
And somehow, perversely, that makes their story even more silly.
01:05:02.480 --> 01:05:10.239
Because if there's one thing that humans are spectacularly good at, it's accomplishing incredible things for absolutely terrible reasons.
01:05:10.559 --> 01:05:11.199
Amen.
01:05:12.000 --> 01:05:25.199
And that is Exhibit 120, The Bone Wars, where two of the greatest paleontologists who ever lived spent 30 years proving that genius and idiocy are not mutually exclusive.
01:05:26.159 --> 01:05:27.440
Oh good god.
01:05:27.920 --> 01:05:37.599
So in reality, the Bone Wars and the Mammoth Cave Wars were actually happening right around the same time in different parts of the country.
01:05:37.920 --> 01:05:38.559
Hmm.
01:05:38.880 --> 01:05:39.840
So many wars.
01:05:40.079 --> 01:05:42.480
So many wars that aren't wars that are on this tours.
01:05:43.360 --> 01:05:44.480
People not happy.
01:05:44.719 --> 01:05:46.079
That just goes to show, too.
01:05:46.159 --> 01:05:58.800
Like it I mean, ultimately their accomplishments matter, but in the end, if you don't have your soul right, you're gonna die miserable and alone, no matter how much money you have, and no matter what cool things you discover and do.
01:05:59.039 --> 01:06:05.760
I just imagine what What we could have accomplished if they would have just put all the power that each of them had in their hands together.
01:06:06.159 --> 01:06:06.719
Right?
01:06:06.960 --> 01:06:11.039
It could like we could be so much further as a society just because of that.
01:06:11.440 --> 01:06:12.559
If only Mr.
01:06:12.639 --> 01:06:14.639
Rogers existed back then.
01:06:14.880 --> 01:06:18.800
Sesame Street, Barney, where the fuck was PBS?
01:06:21.119 --> 01:06:24.400
But alas, men are men.
01:06:25.679 --> 01:06:26.960
Our men are men.
01:06:27.039 --> 01:06:27.360
Yes.
01:06:27.679 --> 01:06:30.639
There's one thing this podcast has taught us.
01:06:31.039 --> 01:06:34.159
It is fuck the patriarchy.
01:06:36.559 --> 01:06:38.320
Boys will be boys.
01:06:38.719 --> 01:06:39.679
I hate it.
01:06:39.920 --> 01:06:45.199
We are really we really wrote some shit this episode.
01:06:46.079 --> 01:06:46.480
Yeah.
01:06:46.639 --> 01:06:56.639
Well, and this next exhibit is still I won't say a war, but there definitely was a national frenzy.
01:06:57.199 --> 01:07:01.280
So let's start talking about exhibit number 121.
01:07:01.679 --> 01:07:05.039
Paul the Octopus, the prophet of the pitch.
01:07:05.440 --> 01:07:07.199
I love that he has a name.
01:07:07.920 --> 01:07:09.199
Good old Pawli.
01:07:09.519 --> 01:07:10.480
Poily.
01:07:11.119 --> 01:07:23.920
So in 2010, very recent compared to our last two stories, millions of grown-ass adult soccer fans emotionally surrendered their sanity to an octopus named Paul.
01:07:25.039 --> 01:07:39.840
Not a coach, not a star player, a boneless, color-changing mollusk in a German aquarium who picked mussels out of boxes with little flags on them, and somehow became the most reliable sports oracle on the planet.
01:07:40.480 --> 01:07:42.960
Gavin, you don't understand.
01:07:43.199 --> 01:07:45.280
This wasn't just a cutesy thing.
01:07:45.599 --> 01:07:47.039
Nations raged.
01:07:47.280 --> 01:07:49.519
Gamblers prayed at his tank.
01:07:49.840 --> 01:08:00.079
Chefs dreamed of revenge recipes, and for one wild summer the entire world stared at a sea creature like it held the secrets of the universe.
01:08:00.320 --> 01:08:01.679
This is not a normal story.
01:08:02.000 --> 01:08:07.840
Now I know that soccer is a really big thing in many of countries.
01:08:08.480 --> 01:08:09.440
Football.
01:08:10.000 --> 01:08:11.440
Yeah, football.
01:08:11.679 --> 01:08:12.239
Football.
01:08:12.559 --> 01:08:15.760
Which is way more entertaining than the football we have here, but Agree.
01:08:16.000 --> 01:08:21.039
I'm just so very curious as to how an octopus became involved in football.
01:08:21.439 --> 01:08:32.479
Well, hold on tight because this is the hilarious, weirdly profound saga of how humanity briefly handed its hopes to an eight-armed snack eating enthusiast.
01:08:32.800 --> 01:08:38.560
By the end of this exhibit, I might be consulting my own future octopus for life decisions.
01:08:38.800 --> 01:08:39.840
So let's dive deep.
01:08:40.239 --> 01:08:44.159
Excuse me while I Google, how does one acquire a cephalod?
01:08:44.479 --> 01:08:45.680
You literally buy it.
01:08:45.840 --> 01:08:47.680
You can buy pet octopuses.
01:08:47.840 --> 01:08:48.560
Don't worry.
01:08:48.720 --> 01:08:50.399
I Googled it for us.
01:08:50.960 --> 01:08:55.279
I'm sorry, a living magic eight ball that lives like two two something years.
01:08:55.359 --> 01:08:55.920
Uh-huh.
01:08:56.399 --> 01:08:57.520
But we'll get into that too.
01:08:57.760 --> 01:08:59.039
It's a short commitment.
01:08:59.840 --> 01:09:01.119
A lot of responsibility.
01:09:05.119 --> 01:09:05.600
Short.
01:09:06.720 --> 01:09:12.800
Alright, Gavin, so we are going to tell the complete escalating story of Paul the Octopus.
01:09:13.520 --> 01:09:21.119
Paul hatched on January 26th, 2008, at the Sea Life Aquarium in Oberhausen, Germany.
01:09:21.760 --> 01:09:22.720
You like that?
01:09:22.960 --> 01:09:24.720
Paul's beautiful.
01:09:26.720 --> 01:09:28.880
Oberhausen Germany.
01:09:29.039 --> 01:09:31.039
You'd think his name wouldn't be Paul.
01:09:31.279 --> 01:09:32.880
Yes, a German octopus.
01:09:33.119 --> 01:09:34.479
Well, your name Paul.
01:09:34.640 --> 01:09:35.279
It's Paul.
01:09:35.520 --> 01:09:37.520
Do we know why they picked Paul?
01:09:37.840 --> 01:09:39.279
No, no idea.
01:09:41.039 --> 01:09:43.680
It's just Paul.
01:09:44.159 --> 01:09:45.199
I have an idea.
01:09:45.359 --> 01:09:46.560
I can't do a German accent.
01:09:46.640 --> 01:09:47.680
I'm gonna get us canceled.
01:09:47.840 --> 01:09:49.840
He's just gonna talk very angry.
01:09:50.800 --> 01:09:52.319
He was a common octopus.
01:09:52.560 --> 01:09:54.239
Nope, that's Arnold Schwarzenegger.
01:09:54.960 --> 01:09:57.119
We're gonna I'm giving up.
01:09:57.279 --> 01:09:58.960
It's in the back of the throat.
01:09:59.279 --> 01:10:00.479
The back of the tongue.
01:10:02.079 --> 01:10:02.640
Paul.
01:10:02.880 --> 01:10:03.279
That's better.
01:10:03.520 --> 01:10:04.720
Get into the chopper.
01:10:05.439 --> 01:10:07.039
That's still Arnold.
01:10:07.520 --> 01:10:10.000
So Paul was a common octopus.
01:10:10.319 --> 01:10:12.239
Octopus vulgaris.
01:10:12.479 --> 01:10:21.359
He's just chilling in his tank, doing regular octopus things, you know, floating around, changing colors, probably judging every human who walked by.
01:10:21.520 --> 01:10:23.840
Have you ever seen an octopus in person?
01:10:24.079 --> 01:10:24.640
Yes.
01:10:24.880 --> 01:10:27.119
They are definitely judgy, don't you agree?
01:10:27.359 --> 01:10:28.399
Very much so.
01:10:28.800 --> 01:10:31.920
Just hang out in their little cave with one evil eye.
01:10:32.159 --> 01:10:32.880
Fuck you.
01:10:33.039 --> 01:10:35.680
Like that's the vibe I get from octopi.
01:10:36.399 --> 01:10:38.479
They're a little too intelligent.
01:10:38.800 --> 01:10:39.119
I know.
01:10:39.520 --> 01:10:42.319
Like you can see they're working shit out.
01:10:42.640 --> 01:10:44.720
If they could speak, we'd be done.
01:10:44.960 --> 01:10:46.159
We'd be done.
01:10:46.800 --> 01:10:53.279
For the first couple of years, Paul lived a quiet life of enrichment activities and the occasional jar to unscrew.
01:10:53.600 --> 01:11:00.000
No one had any idea that he was about to break the internet before the internet was even fully ready for him.
01:11:00.640 --> 01:11:05.840
One day, the aquarium staff had one of those beautifully stupid ideas that changed everything.
01:11:06.079 --> 01:11:11.359
A cute little PR stud to drive engagement and bring people's attention to the aquarium.
01:11:11.680 --> 01:11:14.960
This is done in different ways all the time, even before Paul.
01:11:15.199 --> 01:11:18.560
Nellie, the elephant, was predicting soccer matches in Germany.
01:11:18.800 --> 01:11:20.079
And then after Paul?
01:11:20.319 --> 01:11:26.399
Achilles, the cat from the Hermitage Museum, was blind and would select a winner by choosing a bowl to eat out of.
01:11:26.960 --> 01:11:29.039
Many American zoos do this as well.
01:11:29.279 --> 01:11:35.920
Lions, sea turtles, penguins, bears, and even hedgehogs are making picks to predict winners.
01:11:36.239 --> 01:11:38.319
But let's get back to Paul.
01:11:39.039 --> 01:11:44.159
They set up two clear plastic boxes, each containing a tasty muscle.
01:11:44.399 --> 01:11:49.760
One box had the flag of one team, the other the other, the flag of the opponent.
01:11:50.079 --> 01:11:53.199
Paul would reach into one, grab a snack, and that was it.
01:11:53.439 --> 01:11:56.720
The chosen snack was his official prediction for the winner.
01:11:56.960 --> 01:12:00.880
That's very underwhelming from what I was imagining.
01:12:01.520 --> 01:12:06.399
No algorithms, no stats, just pure tentacle intuition.
01:12:08.159 --> 01:12:11.119
And the act itself, you're right, was a bit mundane.
01:12:11.439 --> 01:12:15.279
I imagined something way more elaborate.
01:12:16.399 --> 01:12:21.199
He suddenly gains sentience and like starts, eyes roll back into his head shaking.
01:12:22.079 --> 01:12:23.439
We gave him an iPad.
01:12:30.079 --> 01:12:31.680
I mean, it's 2010.
01:12:32.000 --> 01:12:33.760
Didn't they have technology?
01:12:34.000 --> 01:12:34.720
The hell.
01:12:35.039 --> 01:12:36.720
But muscles, okay, we'll take it.
01:12:36.880 --> 01:12:37.680
Whatever.
01:12:40.079 --> 01:12:40.720
Fine.
01:12:42.159 --> 01:12:43.199
But here's the thing.
01:12:43.520 --> 01:12:52.319
As low-tech as his predictions were, during Euro 2008, Paul got four out of six predictions right for Germany.
01:12:52.479 --> 01:12:53.359
It was cute.
01:12:53.520 --> 01:13:00.399
People smiled, local media paid attention, but it was just that cutesy local interest fluff story.
01:13:01.119 --> 01:13:07.920
However, it was 2010 World Cup in South Africa, where Paul went supernova.
01:13:08.479 --> 01:13:18.720
He correctly called every single one of Germany's seven matches, including their shot group loss to Serbia and their third place win over Uruguay.
01:13:18.880 --> 01:13:19.600
Damn.
01:13:20.239 --> 01:13:26.479
He also nailed Spain over Germany in the semifinal and Spain over the Netherlands in the final.
01:13:26.720 --> 01:13:28.000
He was just clogging them.
01:13:29.439 --> 01:13:30.560
Bing bang boom.
01:13:30.720 --> 01:13:32.399
Where's your tech now, bitch?
01:13:35.359 --> 01:13:36.640
I am the tech.
01:13:39.680 --> 01:13:45.119
Overall, across the tournament period, he finished 12 correct out of 14.
01:13:45.359 --> 01:13:47.039
Let's pause here.
01:13:47.520 --> 01:13:56.880
For that perfect streak on Germany's games, plus the final, the odds of getting it right by pure random chance sat around 1 and 256.
01:13:57.359 --> 01:14:00.720
That's when the collective what the fuck moment hit the planet.
01:14:00.960 --> 01:14:02.079
Yeah, no shit.
01:14:02.319 --> 01:14:04.960
And thus begins Tentacle Mania.
01:14:05.520 --> 01:14:08.000
Media frenzy built like a tidal wave.
01:14:08.239 --> 01:14:12.880
German news channel NTV started broadcasting his predictions live.
01:14:13.279 --> 01:14:17.760
International outlets lost their minds.
01:14:19.600 --> 01:14:22.560
The headlines screamed across continents.
01:14:22.800 --> 01:14:29.439
Paul went from aquarium resident to global celebrity faster than most influencers can say brandial.
01:14:30.399 --> 01:14:34.720
Spain fell head over heels for him after he picked them as champions.
01:14:34.960 --> 01:14:39.760
They called him Polpo Paul and basically wanted to adopt the little guy.
01:14:40.399 --> 01:14:42.079
But fame has a price.
01:14:42.399 --> 01:14:44.800
Oh no, he didn't start doing Coke, did he?
01:14:46.880 --> 01:14:49.600
With eight arms, all those suction cups.
01:14:50.000 --> 01:14:51.279
Can you imagine?
01:14:51.840 --> 01:14:55.760
Just somebody get Paul away from Lindsay Lohan.
01:14:56.399 --> 01:14:58.239
Just rapid fire sniffing.
01:14:58.399 --> 01:15:00.159
Octopi don't have noses.
01:15:00.319 --> 01:15:02.720
I'm keeping that mental picture forever.
01:15:02.960 --> 01:15:05.439
I don't care what science says.
01:15:06.640 --> 01:15:09.760
I'm gonna make ChatGPT illustrate that for me.
01:15:09.920 --> 01:15:11.920
I'm gonna put it on a shirt.
01:15:13.520 --> 01:15:15.279
But fame has a price.
01:15:15.439 --> 01:15:22.399
When Paul predicted Germany's loss to Spain in the semifinals, German fans turned vicious.
01:15:22.720 --> 01:15:23.840
Surprising.
01:15:24.159 --> 01:15:30.159
Angry chants, signs, and plenty of very public jokes about turning him into Calamari.
01:15:30.319 --> 01:15:31.119
Oh no.
01:15:32.720 --> 01:15:37.920
Argentina got even angrier after he called their quarterfinal defeat to Germany.
01:15:38.239 --> 01:15:41.359
Chefs posted octopus recipes online.
01:15:43.439 --> 01:15:46.239
Actual death threats poured in.
01:15:46.800 --> 01:15:47.760
Poor Paul.
01:15:47.920 --> 01:15:50.159
He's just he's just chilling.
01:15:50.560 --> 01:15:53.439
Actual death threats aimed at a sea creature.
01:15:53.520 --> 01:15:55.279
He just wanted a frickin' muscle.
01:15:55.359 --> 01:15:57.039
He just wanted a snack.
01:15:58.239 --> 01:16:06.720
But really, how messed up would it be if the aquarium worker was the one actually making the predictions and making one of the muscles taste bad so that he would choose one or the other?
01:16:07.520 --> 01:16:09.520
Okay, let's not go down that trail.
01:16:09.600 --> 01:16:12.000
I'm I'm gonna put that tinfoil hat away.
01:16:12.239 --> 01:16:12.880
Anyway.
01:16:13.199 --> 01:16:20.880
Even Spanish Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero jumped in with a classic political flourish.
01:16:21.119 --> 01:16:26.159
He said he was concerned for the octopus and was thinking of sending a protection team.
01:16:28.239 --> 01:16:35.520
His environment minister went even further, joking about pushing for a fishing ban on Paul so the Germans could not eat him.
01:16:36.720 --> 01:16:40.479
Government officials doing octopus diplomacy.
01:16:40.800 --> 01:16:45.279
All of this really actually happened in 2010.
01:16:46.640 --> 01:16:49.760
Gambling exploded around him too, obviously.
01:16:50.000 --> 01:16:54.319
The bookies were sweating bullets as punters rode the Paul Train.
01:16:57.039 --> 01:17:06.800
Some people reportedly won significant amounts of money, hundreds of thousands of dollars in some cases, by following his fix religiously.
01:17:07.039 --> 01:17:10.399
Others lost their shirts betting against the oracle.
01:17:10.640 --> 01:17:19.520
It was the perfect cocktail of sports fanaticism, gambling psychology, and desperate superstition colliding in one tank.
01:17:20.079 --> 01:17:23.199
But why exactly did this hit so hard?
01:17:23.680 --> 01:17:29.199
Humans are pattern seeking apes who absolutely hate randomness.
01:17:30.159 --> 01:17:37.439
Think about it, sports already runs on lucky socks, cursed mascots, and ritual sacrifices to the injury gods.
01:17:37.920 --> 01:17:43.359
Paul gave us something tangible, something visible, something we could point at and say, see?
01:17:43.840 --> 01:17:45.760
The universe is paying attention.
01:17:46.720 --> 01:17:48.880
The tribalism kicked in hard.
01:17:49.119 --> 01:17:53.760
Your country, losing to a mollusk, felt like cosmic rejection.
01:17:54.239 --> 01:17:59.680
Social media, still relatively fresh at the time, amplified everything.
01:18:00.000 --> 01:18:03.199
Viral videos, fan pages, early memes.
01:18:03.520 --> 01:18:08.880
Paul became a vessel for national hopes, fears, and collective insanity.
01:18:09.840 --> 01:18:16.000
I have to admit, I do catch myself wishing I could keep a little octopus as a little personal life consultant.
01:18:16.399 --> 01:18:17.439
But here's the problem.
01:18:17.600 --> 01:18:20.800
I am nowhere near responsible enough for that kind of power.
01:18:21.279 --> 01:18:24.560
I can barely keep a houseplant alive without guilt.
01:18:24.800 --> 01:18:33.279
An octopus would probably stage a midnight breakout, unionize my cats, raid the fridge, and leave passive aggressive ink clouds everywhere.
01:18:34.720 --> 01:18:38.239
It's probably for the best that I stick to house plants and bad decisions.
01:18:38.479 --> 01:18:41.760
Sorry, Gavin, you are stuck being my life consultant.
01:18:41.920 --> 01:18:45.279
I promise snacks will be provided when I remember.
01:18:45.600 --> 01:18:47.359
I also apologize.
01:18:48.560 --> 01:18:52.079
Because I am a really good bad decision maker.
01:18:52.399 --> 01:18:55.600
Yeah, you and me together forever.
01:18:57.520 --> 01:19:01.760
That's how we end up at the bottom of a cave going, well, does.
01:19:03.840 --> 01:19:08.239
But let's let's pause for a moment and talk about nature's cheat codes.
01:19:08.720 --> 01:19:15.279
Maybe people trusted Paul so deeply because octopuses are already horrifyingly intelligent.
01:19:15.520 --> 01:19:15.920
Yep.
01:19:16.079 --> 01:19:18.720
They are l legendary escape artists.
01:19:18.880 --> 01:19:27.039
They've broken out of secured tanks, crawled across floors, raided neighboring exhibits for food, and snuck back before the staff even notice.
01:19:27.359 --> 01:19:37.760
There's also an octopus that does not like one of the staff workers at a zoo in the octopus can aim its jet stream with precision.
01:19:38.000 --> 01:19:43.119
And anytime this person is within reach, it squirts her.
01:19:43.359 --> 01:19:50.560
Can you imagine being rejected by the most intelligent creature on the planet?
01:19:50.720 --> 01:19:54.800
You just walk by and this alien being is just like, no, fuck.
01:19:55.279 --> 01:19:55.680
Fuck you.
01:19:56.399 --> 01:19:58.479
Fuck you in particular.
01:20:00.239 --> 01:20:01.600
I love it so much.
01:20:02.079 --> 01:20:03.600
I'm on the octopus's side.
01:20:03.680 --> 01:20:07.199
I know nothing about this woman, but she has to be all bad.
01:20:09.439 --> 01:20:13.600
So octopus have a distributed nervous system.
01:20:13.840 --> 01:20:20.640
They have about 500 million neurons in total, and two-thirds of those neurons sit in the arms.
01:20:20.960 --> 01:20:27.840
So each arm basically runs its own mini brain and can taste, touch, and decide semi-independently.
01:20:28.399 --> 01:20:34.720
They can change color and texture instantly for perfect camouflage, and you can even watch them dream.
01:20:34.880 --> 01:20:42.560
Their skin flickers and shifts patterns while they sleep as if they're dreaming about, well whatever an octopus would dream about, I guess.
01:20:42.640 --> 01:20:44.640
Probably squirting that bitch in the face.
01:20:45.439 --> 01:20:46.239
Probably.
01:20:47.680 --> 01:20:52.000
But then we have the RNA editing.
01:20:52.319 --> 01:21:00.560
For anyone who needs a quick refresher, RNA is the molecule that carries instructions from your DNA to build proteins.
01:21:00.880 --> 01:21:05.279
It's basically the working blueprint for making stuff in your body.
01:21:05.760 --> 01:21:13.359
Octopus can edit their own RNA on the fly, making thousands of changes, especially in the nervous system.
01:21:13.760 --> 01:21:14.479
Excuse me?
01:21:14.720 --> 01:21:16.319
Yeah, that is wild.
01:21:16.479 --> 01:21:17.760
It gets wilder.
01:21:18.960 --> 01:21:25.039
This lets them rapidly tweak proteins in their brains and bodies without changing the underlying DNA.
01:21:25.279 --> 01:21:31.119
It's like they're installing custom software updates in real time to adapt to new situations.
01:21:31.680 --> 01:21:35.840
Almost no other animals pull this off to the same degree.
01:21:36.079 --> 01:21:39.760
A lot of animals do uh alter their RNA.
01:21:40.079 --> 01:21:42.960
Humans can also alter their RNA.
01:21:43.199 --> 01:21:47.039
We have enzymes called ADARs ADARs.
01:21:47.359 --> 01:21:51.600
I'm not sure if you're supposed to spell that out or say it out loud, so let's do both.
01:21:52.800 --> 01:21:57.760
So these ADARs, they modify RNA before it becomes protein.
01:21:58.079 --> 01:22:09.600
However, humans have thousands of editing sites octopus, tens of thousands, which directly affect brain proteins.
01:22:10.399 --> 01:22:16.239
So Paul is sitting there, living his best life, picking boxes, eating snacks, and enjoying fame.
01:22:17.199 --> 01:22:23.760
Part of me wonders if those extra neurons were quietly running probability calculations the whole time.
01:22:24.239 --> 01:22:26.479
This might be how the apocalypse starts.
01:22:28.079 --> 01:22:40.720
Look, I'm not saying Paul was an extraterrestrial sports oracle sent here as part of some panspermia plot to test human gullibility, but I'm also not not saying that.
01:22:41.279 --> 01:22:44.479
I am 100% on board with that.
01:22:45.039 --> 01:22:45.600
Agree.
01:22:46.079 --> 01:22:50.880
Their biology is legitimately bizarre compared to most Earth life.
01:22:51.119 --> 01:22:57.520
The RNA editing, the distributed brains, the evolutionary path that feels off-brand.
01:22:58.079 --> 01:23:00.800
Internet conspiracy culture ate it up.
01:23:01.199 --> 01:23:09.439
The Paul memes proliferated, Paul's secretly controlling world events, Paul is the first wave of tentacle-based enlightenment.
01:23:09.680 --> 01:23:12.000
Gamblers were building shrines, Gavin.
01:23:12.239 --> 01:23:13.840
That does not surprise me.
01:23:14.079 --> 01:23:16.399
Not even little bits.
01:23:17.039 --> 01:23:19.600
I was pausing, waiting for the shock, and it never came.
01:23:19.760 --> 01:23:20.479
I am not shocked.
01:23:20.720 --> 01:23:22.800
You're just like, and yeah.
01:23:23.840 --> 01:23:24.960
Continue.
01:23:27.520 --> 01:23:31.039
Statistician and scientists eventually weighed in, of course.
01:23:31.279 --> 01:23:39.680
They pointed out that while impressive, the results still felt within the realm of random chance, especially with the way the boxes were presented.
01:23:39.920 --> 01:23:41.680
But by then it didn't matter.
01:23:41.920 --> 01:23:43.600
The feeling had taken over.
01:23:43.920 --> 01:23:45.439
We wanted the magic.
01:23:45.600 --> 01:23:48.239
We wanted to believe something out there knew the script.
01:23:48.479 --> 01:23:51.359
Yeah, I say give the octopuses the iPads.
01:23:52.399 --> 01:23:55.600
I don't know if I'm ready to hear what octopus have to say.
01:23:55.920 --> 01:23:57.680
I am so ready.
01:23:58.000 --> 01:24:03.199
As long as like like the Bone Wars, if it's observational, I'm fine.
01:24:03.279 --> 01:24:06.880
If it's directed at me, I don't know if I can handle it.
01:24:07.199 --> 01:24:11.600
I will gladly bow down to our octopi overlords.
01:24:11.840 --> 01:24:15.760
Yeah, they're just be like, we hate that fucking San Juan song, by the way.
01:24:18.960 --> 01:24:20.960
But here's the deal with gambling.
01:24:21.119 --> 01:24:22.880
The house always wins.
01:24:23.600 --> 01:24:26.560
Paul's streak ended with the tournament.
01:24:26.880 --> 01:24:29.600
He retired from the prediction business afterward.
01:24:29.840 --> 01:24:36.000
The aquarium wisely decided no more politics, economy, or future sports for him.
01:24:36.399 --> 01:24:46.479
Then, on october twenty sixth, twenty ten, just a few months after the World Cup final, Paul died peacefully in his tank due to natural causes.
01:24:47.840 --> 01:24:49.439
Rest in peace.
01:24:50.000 --> 01:24:54.640
He was two and a half years old, which is a typical lifespan for a common octopus.
01:24:55.199 --> 01:25:00.239
Aquarium staff discovered him the next morning after he had seemed fine the night before.
01:25:00.640 --> 01:25:05.680
The world I'm not kidding, the world actually mourned.
01:25:05.920 --> 01:25:07.760
Headlines ran globally.
01:25:08.159 --> 01:25:10.399
Fans sent tributes and messages.
01:25:10.720 --> 01:25:14.640
Spain remembered him as a hero who helped deliver their victory.
01:25:14.880 --> 01:25:22.079
The aquarium manager, Stefan Porwal, noted that Paul had enthused people across every continent.
01:25:22.319 --> 01:25:32.720
There were memorials, sad memes, reflective pieces, and genuine sense of loss for the strange little creature who had briefly united the planet in absurdity.
01:25:32.880 --> 01:25:36.319
In the end, Paul didn't just predict soccer matches.
01:25:36.560 --> 01:25:41.760
He held up the most unflattering mirror to humanity we had seen in a long time.
01:25:42.560 --> 01:25:45.199
Not since, but at that time.
01:25:46.319 --> 01:25:56.159
He showed just how quickly we will surrender our rationality to superstition when it feels like fate has finally shown up wearing an eight arms and a cheeky attitude.
01:25:56.399 --> 01:26:08.720
He reminded us that beneath all that data, the money, the tribal screaming, and the billion dollar spectacle, we are still emotional, pattern-obsessed monkeys desperate for the meaning in the chaos.
01:26:09.039 --> 01:26:12.239
Rest in power, you glorious tentacled bastard.
01:26:12.479 --> 01:26:14.239
You didn't just win a World Cup.
01:26:14.399 --> 01:26:19.119
You won a weird, irreplaceable piece of our broken, hopeful, ridiculous hearts.
01:26:19.439 --> 01:26:21.199
Rest in peace, Paul.
01:26:21.439 --> 01:26:23.119
Rest in peace, Paul.
01:26:24.479 --> 01:26:25.680
He's a legend.
01:26:26.000 --> 01:26:26.960
I love Paul.
01:26:27.039 --> 01:26:28.319
That's an incredible story.
01:26:28.800 --> 01:26:32.560
I had never heard of it before, and it popped up one day, and I was like, you know what?
01:26:32.720 --> 01:26:34.720
I do believe that that is odd.
01:26:34.960 --> 01:26:35.600
Hmm.
01:26:36.720 --> 01:26:38.720
I know just the place to talk about it.
01:26:39.439 --> 01:26:41.680
It's very feel-good until the end.
01:26:42.000 --> 01:26:44.479
But nature is nature isn't it.
01:26:47.119 --> 01:26:48.239
She does what she does.
01:26:48.479 --> 01:26:56.640
If octopuses could live long lifespans, we would be not the dominant species of they have to only live two years.
01:26:56.720 --> 01:27:03.039
If we gave them any more time, they would unionize and come up with a plan, and we would be gone in no time.
01:27:03.199 --> 01:27:06.800
So Imagine the shit they could get done with eight arms.
01:27:06.960 --> 01:27:08.079
They'd be unstoppable.
01:27:09.439 --> 01:27:15.600
Alright, Gavin, we talked about our favorite cephalopod, now our favorite cephalopod.
01:27:15.840 --> 01:27:17.439
What other craziness do you have?
01:27:18.000 --> 01:27:31.439
Number one hundred and twenty two Balloon Mania Up, up and away we go or they go and by they I mean more animals.
01:27:32.079 --> 01:27:37.119
That is not what I expected you to say after that title.
01:27:37.600 --> 01:27:38.239
What?
01:27:39.279 --> 01:27:41.439
The year is 1783.
01:27:41.840 --> 01:27:51.520
The Age of Enlightenment is in full swing, which means everyone is standing around in smelly powdered wigs, pondering progress, science, and human achievement.
01:27:51.920 --> 01:27:58.399
Reason and rationality are supposedly guiding humanity towards a brighter future.
01:27:58.640 --> 01:27:59.760
And then someone involved.
01:28:00.479 --> 01:28:03.760
The hot air balloon A floating machine.
01:28:04.079 --> 01:28:09.119
The first real step towards humans leaving the ground on purpose.
01:28:09.600 --> 01:28:15.520
And what does enlightened Europe decide to do with one of the most revolutionary inventions in human history?
01:28:15.840 --> 01:28:16.159
Fly?
01:28:16.640 --> 01:28:19.199
They strap a sheep to it and let it rip.
01:28:19.359 --> 01:28:28.800
What the fu And not just any sheep, mind you, a sheep with a name, a sheep with aspirations.
01:28:29.439 --> 01:28:30.079
What?
01:28:30.319 --> 01:28:30.960
Wait.
01:28:32.239 --> 01:28:34.239
But we're getting ahead of ourselves here.
01:28:34.479 --> 01:28:35.920
Yeah, I think we are.
01:28:36.079 --> 01:28:37.119
Just a little bit.
01:28:37.279 --> 01:28:40.079
I'm gonna need some context immediately.
01:28:40.800 --> 01:28:42.720
You see mental pictures.
01:28:42.960 --> 01:28:44.720
I just got in my head.
01:28:46.000 --> 01:28:53.520
You see, we've spent a lot of time on this podcast talking about the various creative ways humanity has dropped animals from great heights.
01:28:54.000 --> 01:28:56.000
Remember Operation Cat Drop?
01:28:56.399 --> 01:28:56.800
Yeah.
01:28:56.960 --> 01:28:58.800
Uh the Idaho Sky Beavers.
01:28:59.039 --> 01:28:59.359
Yeah.
01:28:59.520 --> 01:29:03.439
Yeah, those exhibits, but today we need to talk about the flip side of that coin.
01:29:03.600 --> 01:29:07.199
Today we're gonna talk about the times we've sent animals up.
01:29:08.800 --> 01:29:12.399
Before we had the balls to go ourselves, of course.
01:29:12.560 --> 01:29:21.119
Before anyone stopped to ask the very reasonable question, what the hell is a sheep going to tell us about the viability of human flight?
01:29:21.359 --> 01:29:26.800
This is the story of balloon mania, and it is absolutely B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
01:29:27.680 --> 01:29:30.239
Sh is bananas, yes.
01:29:30.640 --> 01:29:35.199
Let me introduce to you, and please forgive me for I am not fluent in French.
01:29:35.520 --> 01:29:45.039
Joseph and Atienne Montgolfier, two brothers from Ardèche, France, who made paper for a living.
01:29:45.439 --> 01:29:46.960
Yes, I said paper.
01:29:47.119 --> 01:29:48.800
They ran a paper mill.
01:29:49.760 --> 01:29:53.920
These two were in fact not scientists, nor were they engineers.
01:29:54.079 --> 01:30:00.880
They were paper makers who figured out that fabric paper and hot air did something remarkable.
01:30:01.279 --> 01:30:02.079
And you know what?
01:30:02.159 --> 01:30:03.039
They were right.
01:30:03.520 --> 01:30:10.640
Starting in 1782, these two absolute madmen began experimenting with lighter than air flight.
01:30:10.880 --> 01:30:13.439
Their method was elegantly simple.
01:30:13.680 --> 01:30:23.439
Take a piece of fabric, billow it aloft with smoke from a fire of wool and damp straw, and see what happens.
01:30:23.600 --> 01:30:26.479
And I bet it smelt atrocious.
01:30:26.960 --> 01:30:34.319
I can uh Yeah Those words in that sentence I wish to never say again.
01:30:35.439 --> 01:30:38.239
But what happened was the fabric went up.
01:30:39.119 --> 01:30:40.479
It just went up.
01:30:40.640 --> 01:30:42.239
Now most people would stop there.
01:30:42.560 --> 01:30:44.159
Neat party trick, right?
01:30:44.479 --> 01:30:46.800
But these two brothers, oh no.
01:30:47.039 --> 01:30:55.680
They these guys looked at their floating fabric contraption and thought, yes, we should put living creatures in this.
01:30:57.039 --> 01:31:02.640
And by 1783, they'd graduated from fabric scraps to actual balloons.
01:31:02.880 --> 01:31:05.680
Great billowing things made of paper and cloth.
01:31:05.920 --> 01:31:11.199
ATN carried out an initial tethered attempt that year, and it worked.
01:31:11.600 --> 01:31:14.720
And then he did it again, and once again it worked.
01:31:14.880 --> 01:31:18.000
And that's when they decided it was time to go big.
01:31:18.319 --> 01:31:19.760
Time to go public.
01:31:20.880 --> 01:31:23.840
Time to put on a show for the king of France himself.
01:31:25.039 --> 01:31:30.000
Time to find some animals who definitely did not volunteer for this shit.
01:31:32.720 --> 01:31:37.199
So picture it, it's September 19th, 1783.
01:31:37.760 --> 01:31:42.800
And I was also today years old when I learned that air balloons were that old.
01:31:43.840 --> 01:31:44.479
Yeah.
01:31:45.199 --> 01:31:47.359
That's a long time ago.
01:31:48.000 --> 01:31:54.640
My only historical record of hot air balloons is that one episode of Little House on the Prairie.
01:31:56.079 --> 01:31:56.640
That's about it.
01:31:57.039 --> 01:32:00.159
This is only a couple years after the United States became a country.
01:32:00.399 --> 01:32:02.960
That's bonkers to think about.
01:32:03.840 --> 01:32:06.720
So you are at the Palace of Versailles.
01:32:07.039 --> 01:32:12.239
King Louis XVI is in attendance, and yes, we're talking about that, Louis.
01:32:12.399 --> 01:32:18.000
The one who's going to lose his head in about ten years, but right now he's just a king who wants to see some cool shit happen.
01:32:18.880 --> 01:32:24.960
The brothers have set up their balloon a magnificent thing called the Aerostat Revellion.
01:32:25.199 --> 01:32:31.920
It's decorated, it's enormous, and it's got a round wicker basket attached to it by rope.
01:32:32.479 --> 01:32:38.319
So what that tells us is that hot air balloons have not changed much since their invention.
01:32:41.359 --> 01:32:48.159
I'd be curious to know what has changed or improv I mean probably like the fires or materials, whatever, but yeah, basically the same.
01:32:48.880 --> 01:32:53.199
At 1 PM, a cannon fires, and this is the signal.
01:32:53.439 --> 01:32:58.720
Into the basket go three animals a sheep, a duck, and a rooster.
01:32:59.840 --> 01:33:02.159
Now let's talk about these animals for a moment, shall we?
01:33:02.319 --> 01:33:06.479
Because the French, being French, couldn't just grab any old livestock.
01:33:06.640 --> 01:33:06.960
Nope.
01:33:07.119 --> 01:33:09.039
They had to make it meaningful.
01:33:09.359 --> 01:33:14.640
The sheep a ram, actually, was given the name Montesil.
01:33:15.119 --> 01:33:16.159
You know what that means?
01:33:16.720 --> 01:33:17.039
No.
01:33:17.359 --> 01:33:18.560
Climb to the sky.
01:33:18.960 --> 01:33:24.800
They named the sheep Climb to the Sky before strapping it into a basket and launching it into the air.
01:33:25.199 --> 01:33:28.079
The sheep did not choose his name.
01:33:28.319 --> 01:33:30.239
He did not choose any of this.
01:33:30.560 --> 01:33:34.640
The duck was there because why do you think the duck was there?
01:33:34.880 --> 01:33:37.680
Just so they didn't lose one if something went horribly wrong?
01:33:37.920 --> 01:33:40.399
Nope, the duck was there because ducks can fly.
01:33:40.880 --> 01:33:44.239
And presumably it would be fine with the altitude.
01:33:44.560 --> 01:33:48.399
At least they thought about one of the creature's feelings.
01:33:48.800 --> 01:33:51.439
The logic here is already starting to crack.
01:33:51.840 --> 01:33:53.039
But stay with me.
01:33:53.279 --> 01:33:57.279
And the rooster was there because honestly, I am not sure at all.
01:33:57.600 --> 01:34:01.600
Best guess, they wanted to cover all their bases in the poultry department.
01:34:02.000 --> 01:34:04.239
No, no, I have my own theory.
01:34:04.399 --> 01:34:05.600
Roosters are dicks.
01:34:05.760 --> 01:34:09.439
I imagine it'll like juke the king or like like chased after or something.
01:34:09.520 --> 01:34:11.039
He's like, fuck you, get up there.
01:34:11.199 --> 01:34:13.039
Like last minute edition.
01:34:13.279 --> 01:34:15.119
They wanted to put a dick in the sky.
01:34:16.479 --> 01:34:18.000
Sounds like a king.
01:34:18.640 --> 01:34:25.279
Maybe they thought if the duck survived but the rooster died, they'd learn something about the difference between waterfowl and landfowl at altitude.
01:34:25.680 --> 01:34:26.399
Science.
01:34:26.720 --> 01:34:27.520
Science.
01:34:28.479 --> 01:34:31.199
Maybe they just really wanted a rooster there.
01:34:31.439 --> 01:34:36.079
The historical record is unclear on this point, but the balloon goes up.
01:34:36.319 --> 01:34:39.840
And it goes up about 1,500 feet.
01:34:40.079 --> 01:34:43.760
And it stays airborne for approximately eight minutes.
01:34:44.000 --> 01:34:47.039
It travels two miles, and then it comes down.
01:34:47.279 --> 01:34:51.039
And the crowd goes absolutely apeshit.
01:34:51.279 --> 01:34:54.399
We're talking about the cream of French society here.
01:34:54.560 --> 01:35:01.920
Aristocrats, scientists, curious onlookers, all losing their minds over the fact that a sheep, a duck, and a rooster just flew.
01:35:02.079 --> 01:35:05.920
And when the basket lands, everyone rushes over to check on the passengers.
01:35:06.159 --> 01:35:08.399
The duck is fine, the rooster is fine.
01:35:09.439 --> 01:35:18.640
Though it is apparently got kicked by the sheep during the flight, because even in the midst of making history, livestock will still livestock, you know.
01:35:18.880 --> 01:35:21.439
But the sheep, he is absolutely fine.
01:35:21.600 --> 01:35:22.079
Unbothered.
01:35:22.319 --> 01:35:23.039
Oh thank God.
01:35:23.520 --> 01:35:26.800
Very confused, but physically intact.
01:35:28.079 --> 01:35:30.319
I'll leave I can fly.
01:35:30.880 --> 01:35:37.920
King Louis is so delighted by this that he gives all three animals a place in the royal menagerie at Versailles.
01:35:38.079 --> 01:35:39.199
Oh, they got a hookup.
01:35:39.520 --> 01:35:41.920
They're declared heroes of the air.
01:35:42.159 --> 01:35:47.520
The sheep who did not ask to fly gets a cushy retirement eating grass at the palace.
01:35:47.840 --> 01:35:50.479
And Europe loses its goddamn mind.
01:35:51.119 --> 01:35:54.560
What exactly did we learn from the flying sheep?
01:35:54.800 --> 01:35:58.640
In which we examine the fundamental flaw in this entire enterprise.
01:35:59.039 --> 01:36:02.000
Here's where we need to pause and ask ourselves a question.
01:36:02.239 --> 01:36:04.159
What the fuck was the point?
01:36:04.800 --> 01:36:06.159
No, seriously.
01:36:06.479 --> 01:36:10.720
What did anyone think they were going to learn from sending a sheep into the sky?
01:36:11.279 --> 01:36:16.720
The stated reasoning went something like this We don't know if humans can survive at altitude.
01:36:17.680 --> 01:36:20.239
We don't even know if there's air up there.
01:36:21.119 --> 01:36:27.439
We don't know if the experience of flight will cause some kind of catastrophic physiological failure.
01:36:27.600 --> 01:36:32.319
Therefore, we should send the farm to test whether it's safe.
01:36:33.439 --> 01:36:38.319
Which, okay, fine, I mean I kind of understand.
01:36:39.039 --> 01:36:41.119
The the logic tracks.
01:36:41.920 --> 01:36:43.520
But it also kind of falls apart.
01:36:43.600 --> 01:36:46.640
Because here's the thing, the sheep can't tell you anything.
01:36:46.960 --> 01:36:53.680
The only thing that could have possibly happened is that they died, and then you just realize nothing.
01:36:53.840 --> 01:36:55.279
You don't know why they died.
01:36:55.520 --> 01:37:00.560
The sheep can't file no scientific report, and he cannot describe the experience.
01:37:00.800 --> 01:37:05.039
The sheep cannot say, and Lindsay, I would like you to read this next line for me.
01:37:05.439 --> 01:37:07.199
Well, gentlemen.
01:37:08.640 --> 01:37:21.119
I found the air to be quite thin at 1,500 feet, and I experienced some mild disorientation, but overall I do believe a human could survive the journey with proper preparation.
01:37:22.560 --> 01:37:25.600
And that was perfectly executed.
01:37:26.319 --> 01:37:32.479
But like I already stated, the sheep can only do one thing survive or not survive, and that's it.
01:37:32.720 --> 01:37:34.399
That's the entire data set.
01:37:34.720 --> 01:37:35.600
Did the sheep die?
01:37:35.760 --> 01:37:36.000
No?
01:37:36.159 --> 01:37:36.640
Great.
01:37:36.880 --> 01:37:39.520
We learned that sheep don't die in hot air balloons.
01:37:39.680 --> 01:37:42.239
How does that translate to human flight?
01:37:42.399 --> 01:37:44.000
Who the fuck knows?
01:37:44.399 --> 01:37:53.439
The sh the sheep was severely brain damaged, and Well is acting a bit weird, but he's enjoying the grass and the menagerie.
01:37:53.680 --> 01:37:57.680
But the sheep's like, I lost consciousness for 35 minutes.
01:37:57.840 --> 01:37:59.199
I don't know what happened.
01:37:59.439 --> 01:38:00.720
You've met my goats.
01:38:00.800 --> 01:38:03.520
You wouldn't even know if those things were brain damaged.
01:38:04.000 --> 01:38:06.399
Oh, I love your goats.
01:38:07.520 --> 01:38:09.520
Already at brain damaged.
01:38:09.760 --> 01:38:15.760
They're so excited when I bring them a piece of grass that's literally the same grass that's within their enclosure.
01:38:16.000 --> 01:38:18.560
They act like it's a gift from God.
01:38:19.680 --> 01:38:20.960
Well, let's be real here.
01:38:21.119 --> 01:38:24.640
They didn't even need the sheep to tell them that the air was breathable.
01:38:24.800 --> 01:38:26.479
They could see the balloon.
01:38:26.800 --> 01:38:31.760
It was at 1,500 feet, not fifteen thousand.
01:38:32.319 --> 01:38:35.119
People had climbed mountains higher than that.
01:38:35.279 --> 01:38:43.520
They knew humans could survive at that altitude because humans had been at that altitude, on foot, while breathing.
01:38:44.560 --> 01:38:45.199
But no.
01:38:45.600 --> 01:38:53.520
We needed to strap a sheep to an air balloon, name him climb to the sky, just to confirm what we already knew.
01:38:53.760 --> 01:38:57.439
The duck and the rooster make even less sense.
01:38:58.720 --> 01:39:00.960
Ducks fly, roosters sort of fly.
01:39:01.119 --> 01:39:03.039
They're already adapted to being off the ground.
01:39:03.199 --> 01:39:04.159
So what are they testing?
01:39:04.399 --> 01:39:06.159
Whether birds can survive the air?
01:39:06.399 --> 01:39:07.920
Birds live in the air.
01:39:08.239 --> 01:39:09.920
That's what birds do.
01:39:10.720 --> 01:39:13.119
We French, we must make sure.
01:39:13.920 --> 01:39:16.640
The entire thing was nothing but theater.
01:39:16.880 --> 01:39:23.039
Spectacular, crowd pleasing, scientifically questionable theater, and it worked like a charm.
01:39:23.520 --> 01:39:34.239
Within weeks of the Versailles demonstration, balloon mania swept across Europe like a plague, except instead of killing people, it just made them really, really excited about balloons.
01:39:34.640 --> 01:39:44.960
The French magazine Mercure de France announced the rise of balloon mania on june fifth, seventeen eighty three, and they weren't exaggerating.
01:39:45.199 --> 01:39:49.680
This wasn't just a passing fad, this was a full blown cultural phenomena.
01:39:50.159 --> 01:39:54.319
Crowds gathered by the hundreds of thousands to watch balloon demonstrations.
01:39:54.720 --> 01:39:59.199
When the brothers launched another balloon in front of the Toulouse Palace and Paris.
01:40:01.119 --> 01:40:05.920
Contemporary reports estimated that four hundred thousand people showed up.
01:40:06.159 --> 01:40:08.000
That's a lot of motherfucking people.
01:40:08.239 --> 01:40:10.000
That's a lot of people.
01:40:10.319 --> 01:40:13.520
That's roughly half the population of Paris at the time.
01:40:14.000 --> 01:40:14.720
For a balloon.
01:40:14.880 --> 01:40:15.680
For a balloon.
01:40:15.920 --> 01:40:17.119
Just to go up.
01:40:17.760 --> 01:40:24.479
I mean, obviously we are so used to things flying and jetting up into space like it's old old hat.
01:40:24.560 --> 01:40:27.199
I I have to give some concessions here.
01:40:27.359 --> 01:40:27.840
Cool.
01:40:28.079 --> 01:40:28.800
Flying.
01:40:28.960 --> 01:40:29.680
I get it.
01:40:30.000 --> 01:40:32.319
People went absolutely feral for this.
01:40:32.560 --> 01:40:39.760
Balloon imagery started appearing everywhere, on pottery, on fabric, on jewelry, on snuff boxes, on wallpaper.
01:40:40.000 --> 01:40:42.079
You could not escape the balloon.
01:40:42.319 --> 01:40:49.600
Scientists and inventors across Europe started conducting their own balloon experiments, sometimes with animals, sometimes without.
01:40:49.840 --> 01:40:55.039
Always with massive crowds of spectators who treated each launch like the Super Bowl.
01:40:55.359 --> 01:41:03.920
Benjamin Franklin, who was in Paris at the time, as an American diplomat, witnessed some of these early demonstrations.
01:41:04.159 --> 01:41:09.119
Someone allegedly asked him what use balloons could possibly have.
01:41:09.439 --> 01:41:13.840
And he supposedly replied, What use is a newborn baby?
01:41:14.079 --> 01:41:16.960
I mean valid agree.
01:41:17.199 --> 01:41:18.640
What do they even do?
01:41:19.439 --> 01:41:21.760
The story spread because of course it did.
01:41:22.000 --> 01:41:25.680
And also Benny hashtag my boy valid.
01:41:28.319 --> 01:41:29.760
Fuck them babies.
01:41:30.000 --> 01:41:31.840
Everything about balloons spread.
01:41:32.079 --> 01:41:36.319
The mania was contagious, and it was about to cross the channel.
01:41:36.880 --> 01:41:48.479
Enter Vincenzo Lenardi, an Italian aeronaut who looked at what was happening in France and thought I can do that, but in England and with different animals.
01:41:48.880 --> 01:41:50.159
Oh no.
01:41:51.199 --> 01:42:00.159
On September 15th, 1784, Lennardi launched from Moorefields in London with a cat, a dog, and a pigeon.
01:42:01.119 --> 01:42:03.199
Thank God they chose the pigeon.
01:42:03.439 --> 01:42:07.199
There was no sheep, no duck or rooster aboard this balloon.
01:42:07.359 --> 01:42:10.880
A completely different set of animals because why the hell not?
01:42:11.439 --> 01:42:15.840
And they're not copycats from France because Britain's doing their own thing.
01:42:16.159 --> 01:42:21.199
If we're going to endanger animals for science and spectacle, let's at least mix it up a little bit.
01:42:21.920 --> 01:42:23.920
The flights Why not a camel?
01:42:24.880 --> 01:42:27.119
Go bigger, go home, motherfuckers.
01:42:27.520 --> 01:42:29.920
Just throw an emu on that bitch too.
01:42:30.079 --> 01:42:31.760
That thing can't fly.
01:42:32.319 --> 01:42:33.359
Hear me out.
01:42:33.600 --> 01:42:34.880
Hippopotamus.
01:42:35.520 --> 01:42:45.039
Lunardi floated from London to Hertfordshire, covering a decent distance and proving that yes, you could do this balloon thing in England too.
01:42:45.359 --> 01:42:47.920
Because balloons only work in France.
01:42:48.960 --> 01:42:51.840
It's that French airs, you know what I'm talking about.
01:42:52.079 --> 01:42:54.880
In London, just like France, lost its mind.
01:42:55.119 --> 01:42:57.600
Lonardi became an instant celebrity.
01:42:57.840 --> 01:43:00.720
Lonardi Mania gripped the city.
01:43:01.039 --> 01:43:04.640
Women wore Lunardi bonnets decorated with balloon motifs.
01:43:04.960 --> 01:43:06.720
Men wore Lunardi hats.
01:43:06.880 --> 01:43:10.319
There were Lonardi prints, Lonardi poems, Lunardi everything.
01:43:10.479 --> 01:43:15.920
The man became a brand, and the animals, the dog, cat, and the pigeon, they survived.
01:43:16.159 --> 01:43:20.319
Which was apparently all anyone needed to know, including myself.
01:43:20.880 --> 01:43:25.439
Nobody asked the cat how it felt about being launched into the sky against its will.
01:43:26.319 --> 01:43:28.079
I think the cat was pissed personally.
01:43:28.479 --> 01:43:29.359
Oh I bet.
01:43:30.239 --> 01:43:33.119
And the dog, dogs have some serious height fear.
01:43:33.359 --> 01:43:36.800
But also, if the basket was tall enough, the dog probably didn't notice.
01:43:36.960 --> 01:43:38.720
It was probably just like you couldn't even see over.
01:43:38.960 --> 01:43:39.600
I'm chilling.
01:43:39.680 --> 01:43:41.840
Like what I'm just in this box, like whatever.
01:43:42.079 --> 01:43:43.439
Fingers crossed.
01:43:45.199 --> 01:43:47.279
The pigeon probably had opinions.
01:43:47.520 --> 01:43:49.039
Pigeons always have opinions.
01:43:49.359 --> 01:43:50.000
Yes.
01:43:50.319 --> 01:43:52.319
But no one bothered to record them.
01:43:52.560 --> 01:43:55.920
The important thing was that England now had balloon fever.
01:43:56.159 --> 01:43:57.600
And it had it bad.
01:43:57.840 --> 01:44:02.560
Pleasure Gardens started hosting balloon ascents as regular attractions.
01:44:02.880 --> 01:44:05.760
Vowhall Gardens became a hotspot for launches.
01:44:05.920 --> 01:44:08.880
People would pay good money to watch someone float away in a basket.
01:44:09.039 --> 01:44:12.399
Sometimes the balloonists would take animals, sometimes they wouldn't.
01:44:12.560 --> 01:44:15.600
The animals had become almost incidental to the spectacle.
01:44:15.760 --> 01:44:19.680
They were props, living proof that this insane contraption worked.
01:44:19.920 --> 01:44:25.760
Charles Green, a London born aeronaut, helped keep the mania alive well into the eighteen hundreds.
01:44:25.920 --> 01:44:29.520
His descendants set up balloon making companies in North London.
01:44:29.760 --> 01:44:33.119
The Spencer family turned it into a dynasty.
01:44:33.359 --> 01:44:35.760
Balloons became an industry.
01:44:35.920 --> 01:44:39.920
But once the mania took hold, it wasn't enough to just launch a balloon.
01:44:40.239 --> 01:44:43.680
You had to launch a better balloon, a bigger balloon.
01:44:43.920 --> 01:44:49.279
A balloon that went higher, farther, and carried more passengers, human or otherwise.
01:44:49.600 --> 01:44:52.479
Aeronauts across Europe started competing with each other.
01:44:52.640 --> 01:44:54.159
Who could stay up the longest?
01:44:54.319 --> 01:44:55.760
Who could travel the furthest?
01:44:56.000 --> 01:44:58.479
Who could put on the most spectacular show?
01:44:58.720 --> 01:45:02.399
More balloons went up, and more crowds gathered to watch.
01:45:02.560 --> 01:45:07.520
More merchandise was sold and more poems were written, and more paintings were painted.
01:45:07.840 --> 01:45:15.760
So the balloon became a symbol of enlightenment progress, of humanity's ability to conquer nature through reason and ingenuity.
01:45:16.000 --> 01:45:21.039
Never mind that the actual science behind why hot air balloons worked wasn't fully yet understood.
01:45:21.199 --> 01:45:25.920
Never mind that the safety protocols were basically cross your fingers and hope for the best.
01:45:26.159 --> 01:45:31.359
And never mind that we were still strapping confused animals into baskets and calling it research.
01:45:31.600 --> 01:45:33.680
The spectacle was the point.
01:45:34.319 --> 01:45:37.199
And wonder was also the point.
01:45:37.840 --> 01:45:46.399
I'm not gonna lie, I also now have a morbid curiosity as to what would happen if we put your one of your goats into a hot air balloon.
01:45:47.439 --> 01:45:51.760
We can strap a GoPro, we could actually get data on this, Gabin.
01:45:52.000 --> 01:45:52.720
This is true.
01:45:53.039 --> 01:45:59.520
All in all, the Montgolfier brothers and their contemporaries had invented something genuinely revolutionary.
01:45:59.680 --> 01:46:02.720
Within a few years, humans would be flying regularly.
01:46:02.880 --> 01:46:06.239
Within a century, we'd have airships and drinkables.
01:46:06.640 --> 01:46:08.880
Within two centuries, we'd have airplanes.
01:46:09.039 --> 01:46:11.439
Within three, we'd be landing on the moon.
01:46:11.680 --> 01:46:14.720
But in 1783, we started with a sheep.
01:46:15.119 --> 01:46:20.640
What balloon mania tells us about progress in which we reflect on what the hell we just learned.
01:46:22.000 --> 01:46:23.600
So what do we make of it?
01:46:23.840 --> 01:46:28.239
What does balloon mania tell us about humanity, progress, and our relationship with innovation?
01:46:28.399 --> 01:46:30.399
First, let's acknowledge the obvious.
01:46:30.560 --> 01:46:34.159
We have always been willing to endanger animals in the name of progress.
01:46:34.479 --> 01:46:34.880
Right.
01:46:35.119 --> 01:46:38.079
This we have learned with abundance.
01:46:38.399 --> 01:46:39.039
Yes.
01:46:39.840 --> 01:46:48.960
The sheep, the duck, the rooster, the dog, the cat, the pigeon, none of them consented to being test pilots, and none of them understood what was happening to them.
01:46:49.199 --> 01:46:57.760
They were just there living their best lives when suddenly humans decided to strap them into baskets and launch them into the sky, and we did it with fanfare.
01:46:58.000 --> 01:47:01.199
With ceremony, with the king of France.
01:47:01.760 --> 01:47:03.680
And the pattern continues.
01:47:03.920 --> 01:47:05.920
We've sent dogs into space.
01:47:06.560 --> 01:47:09.039
Monkeys, chimpanzees, mice, fruit flies.
01:47:09.199 --> 01:47:12.239
We've tested everything from medications to cosmetics on animals.
01:47:12.399 --> 01:47:18.880
We've dropped them, launched them, exposed them to radiation, infected them with diseases all in the name of science and progress.
01:47:19.119 --> 01:47:22.079
Sometimes it's been necessary, debatable.
01:47:22.319 --> 01:47:26.800
Sometimes it's led to genuine breakthroughs that have saved millions of lives.
01:47:27.039 --> 01:47:34.159
Sometimes the animals have been treated well, given comfortable retirements, and honored for their service, which should be all the time.
01:47:34.560 --> 01:47:35.039
Right?
01:47:35.279 --> 01:47:36.079
No exceptions.
01:47:36.399 --> 01:47:42.000
Sometimes, often they've just been disposable test subjects in humanity's grand experiment with itself.
01:47:42.239 --> 01:47:43.039
Humans suck.
01:47:43.199 --> 01:47:44.399
Humans suck.
01:47:44.720 --> 01:47:48.000
Montistiel got to live out his days eating palace grass.
01:47:48.159 --> 01:47:49.840
The duck and the rooster joined him.
01:47:50.079 --> 01:47:51.920
Lenardi's animals survived.
01:47:52.159 --> 01:47:59.279
As far as we know, no animals died in the early balloon experiments, though plenty of humans would die in balloon accidents in the years to come.
01:47:59.520 --> 01:48:01.039
Yeah, because humans suck.
01:48:01.199 --> 01:48:01.920
We dumb.
01:48:02.239 --> 01:48:03.199
It's only fair.
01:48:03.359 --> 01:48:09.760
But the logic, the fundamental reasoning that said we must test this on animals first was flawed from the start.
01:48:10.000 --> 01:48:15.359
We didn't learn anything from the sheep that we couldn't have learned from just sending up a human volunteer.
01:48:15.600 --> 01:48:17.840
Which is exactly what happened next.
01:48:18.079 --> 01:48:22.079
Within months of the Versailles demonstration, humans were flying in balloons.
01:48:22.239 --> 01:48:27.119
The balloon mania of the seventeen eighties was absurd, excessive, and completely unnecessary.
01:48:27.279 --> 01:48:31.680
It was also magnificent, inspiring, and genuinely revolutionary.
01:48:31.840 --> 01:48:34.880
It was, in other words, perfectly human.
01:48:35.199 --> 01:48:37.920
So here's to the sheep that climbed to the sky.
01:48:38.159 --> 01:48:41.279
Here's to the duck and the rooster whose names we don't even remember.
01:48:41.439 --> 01:48:44.239
Here's to Lenardi's dog, cat, and his pigeon.
01:48:44.479 --> 01:48:49.760
And here's to all the other animals we've sent up, dropped down, and launched into the unknown in the name of progress.
01:48:50.000 --> 01:48:54.960
They didn't ask to make history, but they did it anyways, and we're still talking about them.
01:48:55.119 --> 01:48:57.680
And that is Exhibit 122.
01:48:58.319 --> 01:49:00.880
That was fantastic.
01:49:03.520 --> 01:49:07.439
I love how we both chose stories about oars.
01:49:08.079 --> 01:49:17.760
And then we both independently, without conferring with each other, chose stories about animals and breaking records.
01:49:18.319 --> 01:49:21.680
And none of my animals died this time.
01:49:26.560 --> 01:49:28.560
We lost one beaver last week.
01:49:29.199 --> 01:49:30.319
Poor guy.
01:49:30.640 --> 01:49:32.079
It was a great that was great.
01:49:32.159 --> 01:49:32.640
I loved that.
01:49:32.800 --> 01:49:33.680
That was fun.
01:49:34.079 --> 01:49:36.399
That was a great tour.
01:49:36.960 --> 01:49:38.159
And no weenars.
01:49:39.199 --> 01:49:42.399
Other than the ones we inserted on purpose.
01:49:42.560 --> 01:49:43.920
That's what she said.
01:49:44.319 --> 01:49:46.960
Oh well, goddamn.
01:49:47.359 --> 01:49:58.159
Tonight I took us into Mammoth Cave, where nature built an underground masterpiece, and humans immediately added fraud, fake cups, medical malpractice, and bad signage.
01:49:58.479 --> 01:50:08.720
Then I introduced us to Paul the Octopus, a damp little sports prophet who picked winners, caused international panic, and somehow had more composure than most soccer fans.
01:50:08.960 --> 01:50:19.199
And I took us to the Bone Wars, where two brilliant paleontologists discovered legendary dinosaurs and still managed to act like bitter little play goblins with grant money.
01:50:19.439 --> 01:50:26.479
Then we went up, up and away into balloon mania, where Europe discovered flight and said, beefable, send the sheep.
01:50:27.199 --> 01:50:33.600
So, tonight's tour gave us a lot to think about, and some of it I'd rather scrub from my core memories.
01:50:33.920 --> 01:50:35.439
Which is entirely understandable.
01:50:35.600 --> 01:50:39.680
I do not ever want to meet a spider that eats fish.
01:50:41.680 --> 01:50:45.359
Not only is it understandable though, it's also educational.
01:50:45.680 --> 01:50:47.840
Thank you for joining us at the Oddities Department.
01:50:48.000 --> 01:50:50.960
If you made it all the way through this tour, congratulations.
01:50:51.199 --> 01:50:53.199
You are just as weird as the rest of us.
01:50:53.439 --> 01:50:54.319
Keep it that way.
01:50:54.479 --> 01:50:55.760
It adds character.
01:50:56.079 --> 01:50:59.119
Unfortunately, the museum is closing for the night.
01:50:59.279 --> 01:51:04.800
But don't worry, we've got more strange, disturbing, and hilarious exhibits waiting for you next time.
01:51:05.039 --> 01:51:07.359
As always, you should be excited!
01:51:08.079 --> 01:51:10.720
As well as appropriately suspicious.
01:51:10.960 --> 01:51:14.800
If you enjoyed this episode, please rate and review the show wherever you listen.
01:51:15.039 --> 01:51:19.680
It helps all the other weirdos find us and it helps keep this cursed museum open.
01:51:19.920 --> 01:51:26.479
You can also follow us on Facebook and TikTok for clips, chaos, behind-the-scenes nonsense, and whatever else falls out of the walls.
01:51:26.720 --> 01:51:28.399
We don't ask where it came from.
01:51:28.640 --> 01:51:29.680
We just post it.
01:51:29.920 --> 01:51:31.840
Alright, let's get out of here.
01:51:32.000 --> 01:51:35.119
The octopus just put on a trench coat and a museum veg.
01:51:35.600 --> 01:51:37.119
Stay curious.
01:51:37.359 --> 01:51:38.319
Stay weird.
01:51:38.560 --> 01:51:43.760
And whatever you do, do not follow strange men to a second cave.
01:51:44.000 --> 01:51:45.760
Do not threaten cephalopods.
01:51:45.840 --> 01:51:47.359
Octopi are friends, not food.
01:51:47.600 --> 01:51:50.640
And if someone hands you a sheep and points to the sky.
01:51:50.880 --> 01:51:52.000
That is not science.
01:51:52.159 --> 01:51:53.840
That is what we call a red flag.
01:51:53.920 --> 01:51:55.520
And just plain brawl.
01:51:55.840 --> 01:51:57.199
The doors are closing.
01:51:57.520 --> 01:51:59.520
Cave bye.
01:52:01.760 --> 01:52:03.600
What a fun one, man.
01:52:06.800 --> 01:52:11.199
I've never had such a good time not talking about dicks in my whole life.