WEBVTT
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.839
There's a version of a marriage ending that nobody films.
00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:07.040
There's no fight, there's no affair, there's no door slamming.
00:00:07.440 --> 00:00:14.320
There may not even be a moment where either person can point to and say, that's when everything changed.
00:00:14.560 --> 00:00:18.879
Instead, two people simply stop trying to connect with each other.
00:00:19.039 --> 00:00:20.160
They're still married.
00:00:20.320 --> 00:00:21.679
They still live in the same house.
00:00:21.839 --> 00:00:32.479
They get the kids where they need to go, they pay the bills, they manage the chores, they figure out dinner, make plans for the holidays, and they do all the things that are required to keep life moving forward.
00:00:32.640 --> 00:00:36.560
And from the outside, everything may look completely normal.
00:00:36.719 --> 00:00:41.039
But somewhere along the way, the relationship quietly disappeared.
00:00:41.280 --> 00:00:44.399
And there's actually a term that people are using for this now.
00:00:44.640 --> 00:00:46.880
They're calling it the quiet exit.
00:00:47.119 --> 00:01:02.159
It doesn't happen overnight, it occurs in a very subtle micro way, usually beginning when two people become so focused on the business of life that they stop spending focused time with each other in an intimate and intentional way.
00:01:02.399 --> 00:01:05.920
At first, it may not even feel like anything is necessarily wrong.
00:01:06.159 --> 00:01:11.840
Life is busy and there are children and careers and commitments and people who need things from us.
00:01:12.079 --> 00:01:18.079
We tell ourselves that we'll connect when things finally settle down, but things rarely settle down.
00:01:18.239 --> 00:01:21.359
A week then becomes a month, and a month becomes a year.
00:01:21.599 --> 00:01:32.319
Eventually, you're going to look across the table and you realize that the person that you chose as your husband or your wife has become something closer to a roommate.
00:01:32.560 --> 00:01:37.680
You're doing the business of life together, but there isn't much of a relationship left.
00:01:37.920 --> 00:01:44.000
Last week in episode 31, another million dollars won't fix your marriage, but this will.
00:01:44.400 --> 00:01:48.159
I talked about how we normalize the people closest to us.
00:01:48.319 --> 00:01:53.760
When cocaine brain has finally worn off and then that familiarity sets in.
00:01:54.000 --> 00:01:56.959
We can stop seeing the person as special.
00:01:57.200 --> 00:02:00.319
We stop treating the relationship as though it's sacred.
00:02:00.560 --> 00:02:02.719
This is what can happen next.
00:02:03.040 --> 00:02:10.400
Because when we stop tending the relationship, eventually one or both people stop expecting much from it.
00:02:10.560 --> 00:02:14.240
They stop asking, they stop reaching, they stop trying.
00:02:14.479 --> 00:02:20.400
And sometimes they simply decide that it's easier to stay together than to leave the relationship.
00:02:20.639 --> 00:02:25.360
Maybe there are children involved and they don't want them to live in two separate households.
00:02:25.520 --> 00:02:35.919
Maybe their finances are completely intertwined, and splitting everything in half would meaningfully change the lifestyle that they both become accustomed to and that they've created.
00:02:36.159 --> 00:02:41.199
Maybe starting over simply feels harder than continuing to go through the motions.
00:02:41.360 --> 00:02:42.560
And so they stay.
00:02:42.800 --> 00:02:48.240
But staying married and having a relationship are not necessarily the same thing.
00:02:48.400 --> 00:02:56.560
There's another subtle shift that I've noticed when relationships begin moving in this direction, and I think it's one of the most important.
00:02:57.120 --> 00:02:58.639
The focus changes.
00:02:58.800 --> 00:03:04.400
In a thriving relationship, there's an orientation towards service and contribution.
00:03:04.639 --> 00:03:08.240
We naturally ask ourselves, what can I give to this relationship?
00:03:08.400 --> 00:03:12.159
How can I contribute to the other person that I love and that I care about?
00:03:12.319 --> 00:03:16.719
But then slowly that question can become something very different.
00:03:16.879 --> 00:03:20.000
It devolves into what am I not receiving?
00:03:20.159 --> 00:03:23.599
What should this person be doing for me that they're not doing?
00:03:23.840 --> 00:03:27.280
Why am I always the one that has to do X, Y, and Z?
00:03:27.439 --> 00:03:33.840
And then suddenly all of our attention is on what we're getting, or more often, what we're not getting.
00:03:34.000 --> 00:03:39.360
And then that shift matters because our partner usually begins doing the same thing.
00:03:39.599 --> 00:03:49.280
Now you have two people sitting inside the same relationship and each is keeping quiet inventory of what the other person is not providing.
00:03:49.439 --> 00:03:55.840
And then the byproduct is resentment grows, entitlement grows, and then the connection disappears.
00:03:56.159 --> 00:04:03.280
This is one of the reasons that I've said recently that the people who know us the least can truly get the best of us.
00:04:03.520 --> 00:04:07.439
While the people that are closest to us tend to get the least of us.
00:04:07.680 --> 00:04:09.759
Think about how strange that truly is.
00:04:09.919 --> 00:04:22.959
We can be patient with a stranger, we can be accommodating with a colleague, we can be thoughtful and polite to someone that we barely know because we care how we show up and how they perceive us.
00:04:23.120 --> 00:04:30.800
And then we come home to the person that we've chosen to build our entire life with and we give them whatever is left over.
00:04:31.040 --> 00:04:38.879
The distracted version, the impatient version, the person that's staring at a phone while they're still talking to us.
00:04:39.120 --> 00:04:45.439
The person who stopped asking questions because we assume that we already know all of the answers.
00:04:45.680 --> 00:04:50.879
And none of it feels significant enough in isolation to threaten a marriage.
00:04:51.040 --> 00:04:53.199
And that's what makes it dangerous.
00:04:53.439 --> 00:05:02.959
The quiet exit is built for moments that seem too small to even matter until they compound over time and there's enough of them that they do.
00:05:03.279 --> 00:05:08.480
Here's the part that I think people misunderstand about turning this around.
00:05:08.720 --> 00:05:13.680
It usually only takes one person to begin changing the entire dynamic.
00:05:13.839 --> 00:05:23.600
And now ultimately, it does require two people for a relationship to thrive and work out, but it usually only takes one person to create an excellent relationship.
00:05:23.839 --> 00:05:29.600
Because one person sets the right tone and the other person will typically reciprocate.
00:05:29.920 --> 00:05:32.079
Somebody simply has to go first.
00:05:32.240 --> 00:05:39.279
And going first does not mean sitting your spouse down and explaining all the things that they need to do differently.
00:05:39.439 --> 00:05:43.439
It means returning your attention to service and contribution.
00:05:43.680 --> 00:05:45.199
What can I give to this person?
00:05:45.360 --> 00:05:47.519
How can I contribute to the relationship?
00:05:47.759 --> 00:05:50.560
How can I show up for this person that I love?
00:05:50.879 --> 00:05:53.759
As unconditionally as I possibly can.
00:05:54.000 --> 00:05:57.040
That doesn't mean that you shouldn't have expectations.
00:05:57.279 --> 00:06:08.240
Expectations are certainly important, and as we've talked about before, you need to know your needs and your wants and your desires and reinforce those expectations with proper boundaries.
00:06:08.480 --> 00:06:11.360
But that's different from keeping the score.
00:06:11.759 --> 00:06:21.120
When the dominant orientation becomes what should you be doing for me, the other person quickly begins reciprocating that energy.
00:06:21.279 --> 00:06:32.560
When the dominant orientation becomes, how can I be of service and contribution to you and to this relationship, something very different becomes available and possible.
00:06:32.800 --> 00:06:37.519
Our relationships are more in our hands than we typically think.
00:06:37.920 --> 00:06:45.759
The other mistake that people make is believing that reconnection requires some enormous intervention.
00:06:46.079 --> 00:06:47.120
And it doesn't.
00:06:47.279 --> 00:06:50.160
You don't necessarily need a week away together.
00:06:50.319 --> 00:06:52.399
You don't need a trip once a quarter.
00:06:52.560 --> 00:07:00.240
You don't need to create some grand romantic gesture designed to repair years of disconnection in a single weekend.
00:07:00.319 --> 00:07:01.680
That's not gonna cut it.
00:07:01.920 --> 00:07:04.879
What you need is consistent focused time.
00:07:05.120 --> 00:07:11.600
10 or 15 minutes at the beginning or the end of every day where you are simply present with each other.
00:07:11.759 --> 00:07:16.639
No children, no television, no scrolling, social media, no multitasking.
00:07:16.879 --> 00:07:24.000
Just 10 or 15 minutes where the person in front of you has your full attention and presence.
00:07:24.240 --> 00:07:29.199
And then at least once a week, get an hour or two of focused time together.
00:07:29.439 --> 00:07:35.279
Go for a walk, have a dinner, go on a date, sit somewhere and just talk with each other.
00:07:35.519 --> 00:07:38.959
Again, no kids, no friends, no television, no phones.
00:07:39.519 --> 00:07:44.720
110% focused present time with the other person.
00:07:45.279 --> 00:07:48.959
People underestimate this because it seems too simple.
00:07:49.279 --> 00:07:53.920
But relationships are built through consistency, not intensity.
00:07:54.319 --> 00:08:01.360
A vacation can be wonderful, and so can a beautiful anniversary dinner or an extraordinary trip.
00:08:01.600 --> 00:08:09.279
But none of those things replace the small focused moments in which two people continually choose one another.
00:08:09.519 --> 00:08:21.519
In fact, if you're already in a romantic dynamic, if you realize that you've been apathetic toward each other or simply going through the motions for years at this point, the same rules apply.
00:08:21.759 --> 00:08:29.439
Start with service and contribution as your orientation and then begin asking your partner to show up inside of focused time with you.
00:08:29.600 --> 00:08:32.080
Don't try to fix everything at once.
00:08:32.399 --> 00:08:34.240
Create the space first.
00:08:34.480 --> 00:08:39.039
Because once you create that space, you have somewhere for connection to occur.
00:08:39.200 --> 00:08:42.879
You have somewhere to work on the things that need to be worked on.
00:08:43.039 --> 00:08:50.960
You have somewhere to begin re-energizing the relationship with a sense of passion, intimacy, connection, and communication.
00:08:51.200 --> 00:08:56.240
Without this space, none of those things have anywhere to happen.
00:08:56.399 --> 00:08:59.200
There's one other piece of this that truly matters.
00:08:59.440 --> 00:09:09.600
You have to take care of yourself, your health, your body, the things that bring you joy, your emotional state, the relationship that you have with yourself.
00:09:09.759 --> 00:09:17.600
You have to come first in that sense because you cannot consistently contribute to the other person what you do not have.
00:09:17.840 --> 00:09:25.919
Then the person that you care about most, your spouse, needs to actually occupy the space in your life that you say they do.
00:09:26.159 --> 00:09:35.519
Not behind every email, not behind the kids, not behind work, not behind everyone else who happens to need something from you on that particular day.
00:09:35.759 --> 00:09:51.919
Because if the people who know us the least continually get the best of us, while the other person that we choose to build our life with gets whatever remains or the leftovers, then we shouldn't be surprised when eventually they stop reaching for us.
00:09:52.159 --> 00:10:01.360
If you go back to the roommate marriage, you may remember that I talked about the danger of allowing logistics to replace intimacy.
00:10:01.519 --> 00:10:09.200
The bills get paid, the calendar gets managed, the kids go where they need to go, life functions, but the relationship doesn't.
00:10:09.440 --> 00:10:17.919
The quiet exit is what happens when that dynamic is allowed to continue long enough that one or both people simply stop trying.
00:10:18.159 --> 00:10:31.360
And there's a real cost to that because if you're going to stay in a relationship in an apathetic way, simply going through the motions because leaving feels harder, that decision isn't costing you nothing.
00:10:31.600 --> 00:10:34.320
It's costing you the thing that you could have.
00:10:34.559 --> 00:10:38.879
An extraordinary relationship, a person who still feels sacred to you.
00:10:39.120 --> 00:10:42.240
Passion, intimacy, connection is the cost.
00:10:42.639 --> 00:10:46.879
A life in which the person closest to you actually gets the best of you.
00:10:46.960 --> 00:10:53.519
And the good news is that the quiet exit happens through small moments, and so does the return.
00:10:53.759 --> 00:10:58.080
And so before I wrap, here's the question that I'd encourage you to sit with.
00:10:58.399 --> 00:11:01.679
Does the person closest to you get the best of you?
00:11:02.000 --> 00:11:06.320
Or are they getting whatever is left of you, the leftovers?
00:11:06.639 --> 00:11:10.799
Because relationships rarely disappear in one dramatic moment.
00:11:11.039 --> 00:11:15.519
They disappear in small moments when we stop choosing to connect.
00:11:15.679 --> 00:11:18.559
And they can be rebuilt the exact same way.
00:11:18.799 --> 00:11:36.480
If this conversation resonated, I'd encourage you to go back to episode 31, Another Million Dollars Won't Fix Your Marriage, but this will, where we explored why changing the circumstances around a relationship can never replace tending to the relationship itself.
00:11:36.720 --> 00:11:47.840
I'd also recommend The Roommate Marriage, where we explored what happens when a partnership slowly becomes more about managing life than actually sharing one.
00:11:48.080 --> 00:11:55.279
And as always, you can find the connection fix as a weekly newsletter on the blog and wherever you listen to podcasts.
00:11:55.440 --> 00:11:58.480
However, you engage with this work, please leverage that.
00:11:58.639 --> 00:12:00.879
Thank you so much for spending this time with me.
00:12:01.039 --> 00:12:05.360
More soon, take care, and I look forward to connecting with you again next week.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.839
There's a version of a marriage ending that nobody films.
00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:07.040
There's no fight, there's no affair, there's no door slamming.
00:00:07.440 --> 00:00:14.320
There may not even be a moment where either person can point to and say, that's when everything changed.
00:00:14.560 --> 00:00:18.879
Instead, two people simply stop trying to connect with each other.
00:00:19.039 --> 00:00:20.160
They're still married.
00:00:20.320 --> 00:00:21.679
They still live in the same house.
00:00:21.839 --> 00:00:32.479
They get the kids where they need to go, they pay the bills, they manage the chores, they figure out dinner, make plans for the holidays, and they do all the things that are required to keep life moving forward.
00:00:32.640 --> 00:00:36.560
And from the outside, everything may look completely normal.
00:00:36.719 --> 00:00:41.039
But somewhere along the way, the relationship quietly disappeared.
00:00:41.280 --> 00:00:44.399
And there's actually a term that people are using for this now.
00:00:44.640 --> 00:00:46.880
They're calling it the quiet exit.
00:00:47.119 --> 00:01:02.159
It doesn't happen overnight, it occurs in a very subtle micro way, usually beginning when two people become so focused on the business of life that they stop spending focused time with each other in an intimate and intentional way.
00:01:02.399 --> 00:01:05.920
At first, it may not even feel like anything is necessarily wrong.
00:01:06.159 --> 00:01:11.840
Life is busy and there are children and careers and commitments and people who need things from us.
00:01:12.079 --> 00:01:18.079
We tell ourselves that we'll connect when things finally settle down, but things rarely settle down.
00:01:18.239 --> 00:01:21.359
A week then becomes a month, and a month becomes a year.
00:01:21.599 --> 00:01:32.319
Eventually, you're going to look across the table and you realize that the person that you chose as your husband or your wife has become something closer to a roommate.
00:01:32.560 --> 00:01:37.680
You're doing the business of life together, but there isn't much of a relationship left.
00:01:37.920 --> 00:01:44.000
Last week in episode 31, another million dollars won't fix your marriage, but this will.
00:01:44.400 --> 00:01:48.159
I talked about how we normalize the people closest to us.
00:01:48.319 --> 00:01:53.760
When cocaine brain has finally worn off and then that familiarity sets in.
00:01:54.000 --> 00:01:56.959
We can stop seeing the person as special.
00:01:57.200 --> 00:02:00.319
We stop treating the relationship as though it's sacred.
00:02:00.560 --> 00:02:02.719
This is what can happen next.
00:02:03.040 --> 00:02:10.400
Because when we stop tending the relationship, eventually one or both people stop expecting much from it.
00:02:10.560 --> 00:02:14.240
They stop asking, they stop reaching, they stop trying.
00:02:14.479 --> 00:02:20.400
And sometimes they simply decide that it's easier to stay together than to leave the relationship.
00:02:20.639 --> 00:02:25.360
Maybe there are children involved and they don't want them to live in two separate households.
00:02:25.520 --> 00:02:35.919
Maybe their finances are completely intertwined, and splitting everything in half would meaningfully change the lifestyle that they both become accustomed to and that they've created.
00:02:36.159 --> 00:02:41.199
Maybe starting over simply feels harder than continuing to go through the motions.
00:02:41.360 --> 00:02:42.560
And so they stay.
00:02:42.800 --> 00:02:48.240
But staying married and having a relationship are not necessarily the same thing.
00:02:48.400 --> 00:02:56.560
There's another subtle shift that I've noticed when relationships begin moving in this direction, and I think it's one of the most important.
00:02:57.120 --> 00:02:58.639
The focus changes.
00:02:58.800 --> 00:03:04.400
In a thriving relationship, there's an orientation towards service and contribution.
00:03:04.639 --> 00:03:08.240
We naturally ask ourselves, what can I give to this relationship?
00:03:08.400 --> 00:03:12.159
How can I contribute to the other person that I love and that I care about?
00:03:12.319 --> 00:03:16.719
But then slowly that question can become something very different.
00:03:16.879 --> 00:03:20.000
It devolves into what am I not receiving?
00:03:20.159 --> 00:03:23.599
What should this person be doing for me that they're not doing?
00:03:23.840 --> 00:03:27.280
Why am I always the one that has to do X, Y, and Z?
00:03:27.439 --> 00:03:33.840
And then suddenly all of our attention is on what we're getting, or more often, what we're not getting.
00:03:34.000 --> 00:03:39.360
And then that shift matters because our partner usually begins doing the same thing.
00:03:39.599 --> 00:03:49.280
Now you have two people sitting inside the same relationship and each is keeping quiet inventory of what the other person is not providing.
00:03:49.439 --> 00:03:55.840
And then the byproduct is resentment grows, entitlement grows, and then the connection disappears.
00:03:56.159 --> 00:04:03.280
This is one of the reasons that I've said recently that the people who know us the least can truly get the best of us.
00:04:03.520 --> 00:04:07.439
While the people that are closest to us tend to get the least of us.
00:04:07.680 --> 00:04:09.759
Think about how strange that truly is.
00:04:09.919 --> 00:04:22.959
We can be patient with a stranger, we can be accommodating with a colleague, we can be thoughtful and polite to someone that we barely know because we care how we show up and how they perceive us.
00:04:23.120 --> 00:04:30.800
And then we come home to the person that we've chosen to build our entire life with and we give them whatever is left over.
00:04:31.040 --> 00:04:38.879
The distracted version, the impatient version, the person that's staring at a phone while they're still talking to us.
00:04:39.120 --> 00:04:45.439
The person who stopped asking questions because we assume that we already know all of the answers.
00:04:45.680 --> 00:04:50.879
And none of it feels significant enough in isolation to threaten a marriage.
00:04:51.040 --> 00:04:53.199
And that's what makes it dangerous.
00:04:53.439 --> 00:05:02.959
The quiet exit is built for moments that seem too small to even matter until they compound over time and there's enough of them that they do.
00:05:03.279 --> 00:05:08.480
Here's the part that I think people misunderstand about turning this around.
00:05:08.720 --> 00:05:13.680
It usually only takes one person to begin changing the entire dynamic.
00:05:13.839 --> 00:05:23.600
And now ultimately, it does require two people for a relationship to thrive and work out, but it usually only takes one person to create an excellent relationship.
00:05:23.839 --> 00:05:29.600
Because one person sets the right tone and the other person will typically reciprocate.
00:05:29.920 --> 00:05:32.079
Somebody simply has to go first.
00:05:32.240 --> 00:05:39.279
And going first does not mean sitting your spouse down and explaining all the things that they need to do differently.
00:05:39.439 --> 00:05:43.439
It means returning your attention to service and contribution.
00:05:43.680 --> 00:05:45.199
What can I give to this person?
00:05:45.360 --> 00:05:47.519
How can I contribute to the relationship?
00:05:47.759 --> 00:05:50.560
How can I show up for this person that I love?
00:05:50.879 --> 00:05:53.759
As unconditionally as I possibly can.
00:05:54.000 --> 00:05:57.040
That doesn't mean that you shouldn't have expectations.
00:05:57.279 --> 00:06:08.240
Expectations are certainly important, and as we've talked about before, you need to know your needs and your wants and your desires and reinforce those expectations with proper boundaries.
00:06:08.480 --> 00:06:11.360
But that's different from keeping the score.
00:06:11.759 --> 00:06:21.120
When the dominant orientation becomes what should you be doing for me, the other person quickly begins reciprocating that energy.
00:06:21.279 --> 00:06:32.560
When the dominant orientation becomes, how can I be of service and contribution to you and to this relationship, something very different becomes available and possible.
00:06:32.800 --> 00:06:37.519
Our relationships are more in our hands than we typically think.
00:06:37.920 --> 00:06:45.759
The other mistake that people make is believing that reconnection requires some enormous intervention.
00:06:46.079 --> 00:06:47.120
And it doesn't.
00:06:47.279 --> 00:06:50.160
You don't necessarily need a week away together.
00:06:50.319 --> 00:06:52.399
You don't need a trip once a quarter.
00:06:52.560 --> 00:07:00.240
You don't need to create some grand romantic gesture designed to repair years of disconnection in a single weekend.
00:07:00.319 --> 00:07:01.680
That's not gonna cut it.
00:07:01.920 --> 00:07:04.879
What you need is consistent focused time.
00:07:05.120 --> 00:07:11.600
10 or 15 minutes at the beginning or the end of every day where you are simply present with each other.
00:07:11.759 --> 00:07:16.639
No children, no television, no scrolling, social media, no multitasking.
00:07:16.879 --> 00:07:24.000
Just 10 or 15 minutes where the person in front of you has your full attention and presence.
00:07:24.240 --> 00:07:29.199
And then at least once a week, get an hour or two of focused time together.
00:07:29.439 --> 00:07:35.279
Go for a walk, have a dinner, go on a date, sit somewhere and just talk with each other.
00:07:35.519 --> 00:07:38.959
Again, no kids, no friends, no television, no phones.
00:07:39.519 --> 00:07:44.720
110% focused present time with the other person.
00:07:45.279 --> 00:07:48.959
People underestimate this because it seems too simple.
00:07:49.279 --> 00:07:53.920
But relationships are built through consistency, not intensity.
00:07:54.319 --> 00:08:01.360
A vacation can be wonderful, and so can a beautiful anniversary dinner or an extraordinary trip.
00:08:01.600 --> 00:08:09.279
But none of those things replace the small focused moments in which two people continually choose one another.
00:08:09.519 --> 00:08:21.519
In fact, if you're already in a romantic dynamic, if you realize that you've been apathetic toward each other or simply going through the motions for years at this point, the same rules apply.
00:08:21.759 --> 00:08:29.439
Start with service and contribution as your orientation and then begin asking your partner to show up inside of focused time with you.
00:08:29.600 --> 00:08:32.080
Don't try to fix everything at once.
00:08:32.399 --> 00:08:34.240
Create the space first.
00:08:34.480 --> 00:08:39.039
Because once you create that space, you have somewhere for connection to occur.
00:08:39.200 --> 00:08:42.879
You have somewhere to work on the things that need to be worked on.
00:08:43.039 --> 00:08:50.960
You have somewhere to begin re-energizing the relationship with a sense of passion, intimacy, connection, and communication.
00:08:51.200 --> 00:08:56.240
Without this space, none of those things have anywhere to happen.
00:08:56.399 --> 00:08:59.200
There's one other piece of this that truly matters.
00:08:59.440 --> 00:09:09.600
You have to take care of yourself, your health, your body, the things that bring you joy, your emotional state, the relationship that you have with yourself.
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You have to come first in that sense because you cannot consistently contribute to the other person what you do not have.
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Then the person that you care about most, your spouse, needs to actually occupy the space in your life that you say they do.
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Not behind every email, not behind the kids, not behind work, not behind everyone else who happens to need something from you on that particular day.
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Because if the people who know us the least continually get the best of us, while the other person that we choose to build our life with gets whatever remains or the leftovers, then we shouldn't be surprised when eventually they stop reaching for us.
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If you go back to the roommate marriage, you may remember that I talked about the danger of allowing logistics to replace intimacy.
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The bills get paid, the calendar gets managed, the kids go where they need to go, life functions, but the relationship doesn't.
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The quiet exit is what happens when that dynamic is allowed to continue long enough that one or both people simply stop trying.
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And there's a real cost to that because if you're going to stay in a relationship in an apathetic way, simply going through the motions because leaving feels harder, that decision isn't costing you nothing.
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It's costing you the thing that you could have.
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An extraordinary relationship, a person who still feels sacred to you.
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Passion, intimacy, connection is the cost.
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A life in which the person closest to you actually gets the best of you.
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And the good news is that the quiet exit happens through small moments, and so does the return.
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And so before I wrap, here's the question that I'd encourage you to sit with.
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Does the person closest to you get the best of you?
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Or are they getting whatever is left of you, the leftovers?
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Because relationships rarely disappear in one dramatic moment.
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They disappear in small moments when we stop choosing to connect.
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And they can be rebuilt the exact same way.
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If this conversation resonated, I'd encourage you to go back to episode 31, Another Million Dollars Won't Fix Your Marriage, but this will, where we explored why changing the circumstances around a relationship can never replace tending to the relationship itself.
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I'd also recommend The Roommate Marriage, where we explored what happens when a partnership slowly becomes more about managing life than actually sharing one.
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And as always, you can find the connection fix as a weekly newsletter on the blog and wherever you listen to podcasts.
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However, you engage with this work, please leverage that.
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Thank you so much for spending this time with me.
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More soon, take care, and I look forward to connecting with you again next week.
