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Hello everyone, Falter Roth, and welcome back to another episode on The Cam Parent.
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Today I want to talk about responsibilities.
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What is your responsibility versus what your child's responsibility is?
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And before we get to that part, I want to talk a little bit about what you may have been conditioned to do, what you were trained to do in terms of responsibility.
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So then we can see how these may have become blurred and you might be carrying excess responsibility when it comes to your child.
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So I want you to think back to you when you were a child and think of responsibilities in terms of a box.
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And here your parent gave you a box to hold.
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And like a child, what does a child do when a parent is handing them the box?
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They put out their hands and they carry it because that's what children do, right?
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And over time, you become so used to carrying the box.
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You are so capable.
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And you might even feel so mature for carrying the box because you're the responsible one.
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You may have been told that only you could be trusted with this box and carrying this.
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And what would I do without you?
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And so over time, you don't even feel the weight of the box.
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You just become so accustomed to doing this.
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Again, you're the responsible one, you're the capable one.
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This is just what you do.
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You cope, you learn to cope, and you don't see all you're carrying.
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So I'm going to talk a little bit briefly just about what might be in that box, what might have been given to you that was never yours to carry.
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And I'm going to use the emotionally immature or narcissistic mother or father as an example of what they put in.
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But you use whichever parent this suits for you, whichever parent you recognize in these examples.
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So first, your mother's moods may have been put in the box.
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She said, This is on you to carry.
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This is up to you to be able to monitor, mind me, care for me, support me.
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And so then you become so accustomed to be able to reading her mood that you try to circumvent or prevent her being in bad form or being angry.
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And when she's sad, this is also your responsibility to fix it.
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Your father may have put the peace in your responsibility in your box.
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So it's up to you to keep the peace, to keep yourself small, to keep everyone calm and quiet.
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And if anything happens, if anything wrong or unfair or unjust was done to you, just ignore that.
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Just keep the peace.
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Just say nothing.
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And even on top of that, you may have been told to go and apologize, right?
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When you've done nothing wrong.
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So not only stay invisible, but take the blame.
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That's your responsibility.
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That's what we do in this house to keep the peace.
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One or both parents may have put their feelings as well in that box for you to carry.
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So if this was your mother, you might have to carry her feelings on your father, on her siblings, on her children, which are your siblings.
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You may have to carry all that and again adjust yourself accordingly.
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And then with your father, he may have put his feelings in there, his feelings on his wife, on his kids, on how he feels about everybody else.
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And again, you're invisible in this.
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You just have to carry this.
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This is another weight for you to carry that you've just become so accustomed in.
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Your mother may have put her loneliness on you as your responsibility.
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So it's up to you to never leave her alone, never let her feel her loneliness or her responsibility to do anything about it.
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Again, that responsibility was given to you.
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You may have also had the responsibility of your younger siblings, minding them, feeding them, doing their homework, you know, getting them out in the mornings, maybe their emotional well-being, being there as their emotional support.
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Your mother may have put her looks in your box.
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Okay.
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So how she looked in terms of your appearance, your grades, your achievements.
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You weren't in any way allowed to embarrass her or embarrass the family.
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So what happens in this house stays in this house.
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Your father may have put this in in terms of different achievements for him as well.
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But this is all about how they look, right?
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So say nothing.
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Whatever happens in this house, say nothing.
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And we have to show up a certain way.
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But this is about them and how they are perceived.
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But again, there's an invisibility here with you, and you are carrying the responsibility of how they look.
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Firstly, as I'm saying that, can you see how unfair this is and maybe how heavy this box is getting?
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Your mother may have put her happiness in that box.
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So this is your responsibility.
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And if she is not happy, this is your fault and you've somehow failed, and then it's your job to figure that out.
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You may also have the responsibility of other adult things: money, bills, marriage, things that you were way too young and should have never had to carry.
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But this is the responsibility that you were given.
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And again, as a child, a child just takes what they were given from their parent.
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But this is a heavy burden to carry.
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This is a heavy responsibility to carry.
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And I want you to think about that and then think about how we carry that then into adulthood and feel responsible for the people that we care about and we love, this urgency to fix, or if they're in a bad mood, how we might feel responsible and to blame.
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So now I want to talk about that.
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If you recognize all that and you're like, oh yeah, that's exactly what I was taught to carry.
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That's exactly what I was given.
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That's exactly what I was forced to carry, right?
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Because there's no choice to put this down when you're a child because you're going to be punished further.
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So it is safer to carry this in order to keep yourself as safe as you can be and to keep your parent as happy as they can be with you.
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But now I want to talk about when you're carrying that into the relationship with your child.
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And this responsibility might look like their bad mood is your responsibility to fix.
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So if they come in from school of an evening and you just know something is off and you're gonna notice that, right?
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One, if you're attuned to your child, but two, your hypervigilance, you're gonna be able to see this and realize this.
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And I was asked the other day by a client something about hypervigilance, would they be ever be able to get rid of the hypervigilance?
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And I wanted to reframe this for them.
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You have been trained for hypervigilance.
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Think of this in terms of really high security, right?
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Where you have been trained to be able to watch for that shift, to be able to notice what's happening.
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The difference is when you were brought up in this in childhood, there's so much fear because you have to watch and change and act accordingly to avoid the punishment.
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So, what if you are able to notice things, these things with your kids, but not feel fear and not feel responsible to fix it?
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Okay, so we're gonna create a bit of distance or we're gonna take the responsibility out of the box that we're carrying, right?
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We definitely want to take the fear out of that.
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We're just now observing the information, right?
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So that might sound like in your own head going, oh, they're pissed off, right?
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And we could get curious.
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I wonder what happened.
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Like I wonder what happened them.
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And I wonder what they might need right now.
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And depending on the age of your kid, you could ask them this, or you could even give it a few minutes to see what unfolds.
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Because if we look at this box, it's not about throwing out the whole box.
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It's about trying to sort out the box and see what I'm responsible for and what I'm not responsible for.
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And the first is to notice.
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Do you remember when I talked about the four F's and which are you?
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And to notice this urgency in your body, that if you feel one, that you are to blame, or two, that this is your responsibility to fix this, I want to ask you to pause right there.
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Because when we're talking about the box of responsibility here, we're not talking about throwing everything out and not caring and going completely the opposite way.
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We're talking about becoming curious about what is mine and what is yours.
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Okay.
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So often what I see in that example is that if a child comes in in a bad mood, straight away the parent's anxiety can rise.
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The fear can rise and they can begin to feel responsible for fixing it, for finding out what happened.
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And there is a part here with empathy, right?
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I can be really curious and have such empathy because I wonder what's going on with them.
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But often the other predominant emotion will be fear, because the reason I might want to find out is so that I can fix it.
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The reason I want to find out is because I don't want my child to feel any distressing or upsetting feelings.
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And this can show up practically as well, where you mightn't want your kid to struggle with something.
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So you end up doing the thing for them instead.
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So this could be packing their lunch, you know, putting away their clothes, uh, driving them, dropping them everywhere, never getting them to wait, doing everything for them because you feel really fearful or struggle when they're upset, when they don't know how to wait, when they're really struggling with learning something like a new task.
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Let's say they feel really useless when they can't do something.
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No, I'm no good at this, I can't do this.
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And if you can't bear to see them struggle, you can jump in there and rescue them.
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But if we look at this in terms of the box, whose need are you meeting there?
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And I wonder, is this coming from this place that you feel responsible for this, that this is your fault?
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That if your child is struggling with something, and this can be anything in terms of sport, academically, in relationships, maybe if they're not getting on with their friends.
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And again, this can be as young as the toddler, the teenager, or the adult.
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I actually saw a post the other day on Instagram and it was a parent who was saying that she really struggled much more with her adult kids.
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Because when they were younger, if something happened, let's say if they weren't invited to a friend's house, the parent could fix this, right?
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She could ring the parent, or if something happened at school, she could ring the school and she could fix it for them.
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But what she was really struggling with was in terms of responsibility, because when the kids were older and they were adults, they either weren't telling her things or they were getting really annoyed that she was trying to fix it for them.
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And so she was learning this lesson when they were adults.
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And we can learn this lesson at any stage, but I want to even bring it back here when they were a child.
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And this fear or this urgency to fix things for them and not let them struggle.
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And I think it comes from one, this fear of what is my responsibility, but also the fear of being neglectful, right?
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Because if you grow up in a dysfunctional home, you know exactly what it's like to be ignored and not cared for, right?
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That absolute uh loneliness, that emotional abandonment, that feeling that there's something wrong with you, that you don't belong, that you're different, that you're on the outside.
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And often that can become and play out here as well, right?
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Because I don't want my child to feel the way I felt.
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But this is in terms, again, of responsibility.
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So what is your responsibility?
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And here, your feelings are your responsibility and your fears are your responsibility.
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And they are valid.
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They are valid.
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What you're feeling, you're feeling exactly as you're supposed to be feeling from the history that you had.
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But awareness is about recognizing those feelings so that we don't just blindly act on them and then it looks like we're really helping our child.
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Whereas really what we're doing is helping ourselves from that distress and that fear.
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Also, this can show up in terms of you bracing yourself for an interaction.
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So let's say this is at school and they're having a bad time at school and you might be bracing yourself from coming home.
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Or if you have to ask them to do something, ask them to do a chore, or ask them to do something unexpected, you might be bracing, right?
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Because you're worried and fearful of what the reaction is going to be.
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And if we look back again in childhood, whenever you would ask something that was going to inconvenience your parent, how did they respond to you?
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And think of that bracing, right?
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That's valid for then.
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And bracing because this will be detrimental to my well-being.
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I will be given the silent treatment, I will be shamed, I will be shunned, I will, I will be dismissed, I will be ignored.
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This is where it is very different now when we are the parent, because we have the healthy power, right?
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We are responsible for teaching our kids this, for teaching them distress tolerance.
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And when I say teaching them, it's not even teaching them, it's allowing it.
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It's us not being driven by that fear that it's our responsibility and that we have to fix it.
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Because if you think of that, if we shift that and take that responsibility, that their happiness is not our responsibility.
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And a lot of people are gonna struggle with that.
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And it's like, no, wait, is my is their happiness not my responsibility?
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And it's not because you can't control that.
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You are only responsible for your own behavior.
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Think of this in terms of toddlers.
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Have you ever uh set up something, built something, you know, maybe put a blanket on the floor, and you know, this is the time that you are gonna play with blocks?
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And the kid comes over and just doesn't want to play with that at all, right?
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You you can't control them.
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We want to, we want this to be a lovely time.
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I I think a really good example of this might be dinner time.
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Have you ever had this idea of whatever, maybe dinner every day of the week, or maybe for you it might be on a Sunday.
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We're gonna sit down and we're gonna have this lovely dinner and it's gonna be ideal, and we're all gonna have conversations and nobody's gonna speak over each other, and it's gonna absolutely be lovely.
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Yeah.
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That's a wonderful idea.
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And I would love to have that myself, but the reality can be very different.
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And so this is an example that my wants uh doesn't have to be the same as my kids' want.
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It's the same.
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Have you ever taken your teenagers on holidays and they're not happy with the place that they're in?
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This is what I mean.
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You're not responsible for their happiness, but you are responsible for their behavior, right?
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So if we look at this in terms of responsibilities in the airport or in a hotel or minding them and their safety, and also that they feel seen and heard with their emotions.
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They are allowed to be not interested.
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They're allowed to be miserable, right?
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That can really uh annoy and infuriate us.
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We are allowed to have those feelings, but that is up to us to who are we going to share them with and how are we gonna manage them?
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And also, how are we gonna separate out our nervous system from our kids?
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Because they can be having one experience in the exact same place, and we can be having a very different one.
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Whereas when you are given this box of responsibility, it it isn't that simple.
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Because now, if they're in a bad mood, you have been conditioned, trained, programmed, right?
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Like a computer programming, that if this thing happens, it's your responsibility to fix it.
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And quite likely it's your fault, right?
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So you're carrying that, and then that's the operating system that you begin operating from, right?
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We we we want to shut that down.
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And even we might be mad because I've done this whole, you know, I've cooked this lovely dinner, I've taken you on holidays, and now I'm annoyed that you're not enjoying it because you've been trained that it's your responsibility for how they feel.
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And so I'm wondering for you, what would it be like to look at this responsibility in that box and go, hmm, is this my responsibility?
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And if it's not, whose responsibility is it?
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And just like your parents, it was their responsibility for their happiness.
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It also is your kids' responsibility for their happiness.
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And again, this doesn't mean we're gonna tip out the whole box and not care about anything and that it none of it is their responsibility because it is.
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Let's take, for example, when they're at school, my responsibility is to have the structure and safety in place, right?
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Let's think about terms of nourishment.
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And nourishment is everything from yes, food, but also care and interest and empathy.
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Yeah.
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Caring that you go to bed and get a good night's sleep, caring how you get up in the morning.
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And when I'm talking about this, I think a lot of people it can be jarring going, well, that's what the narcissistic parent says.
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Like I put food on the table, a roof over your head, and clothes on your back, and I did my job.
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I am talking about much, much, much more than that.
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But I'm also talking about that having limits so that your kid gets to exist and have their feelings in their own right, and that you don't have the responsibility for that.
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So if we look at over here to the left, and let's say that the narcissistic parent doesn't care about their child's emotions and feelings.
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It doesn't exist, right?
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You're invisible.
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And the child just has to be a mirror back to their parent.
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It's all about them.
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And you then, the child, don't get to exist and have your emotions, your feelings be seen or be attuned to.
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What I'm talking about here with you now, right?
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The good enough parent, the healthy enough parent, because there's no such thing as a perfect parent.
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You see your kid, you see your kid struggling, and you have empathy for that struggle, right?
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You see your kid upset and you have empathy for that.
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You are interested.
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You want to listen to them, you want to find out what they're struggling with, you want to hear what ways you can support them or what you need to do.
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But you're not responsible for them being happy, right?
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Because you are not in control of that.
00:18:08.430 --> 00:18:16.589
You are not responsible to fix this for them, but you can help put structures or supports in place to see what's needed.
00:18:16.909 --> 00:18:18.509
And so this is what's completely different.
00:18:18.990 --> 00:18:21.470
This is where you are fully seeing your child.
00:18:21.949 --> 00:18:30.829
This is where you really care for your child, where you have such empathy that you know you are feeling it so much that they are struggling.
00:18:30.909 --> 00:18:32.829
And of course you don't want them to struggle.
00:18:33.549 --> 00:18:36.909
But there's the part of you, the adult, right?
00:18:37.230 --> 00:18:52.349
This wise part, this wise parent part, the opposite of coming from this inner child, this scared child that this is all my responsibility, the wise part that might show up for you when you're talking to another friend, if they're talking to you about their kids, right?
00:18:52.429 --> 00:18:55.629
When you're able to zoom out and see what's actually happening.
00:18:55.869 --> 00:19:05.789
That wise part of you that can recognize that it's important for us to be with our kids in these moments, but not fix it for them.
00:19:06.349 --> 00:19:11.309
And so a lot of us can have uh compassionate empathy, right, where we want to do the thing.
00:19:11.470 --> 00:19:19.629
And that's really helpful that we want to help that if they're struggling with something, like if they need a lift, yes, we want to help them and give them the lift to do the thing.
00:19:19.869 --> 00:19:47.629
But if this is driven from fear that I don't want them to have to wait five or 10 minutes or some for something, or if they are a teenager or a young adult and they haven't planned out their diary accordingly, and now they're telling me the moment that I'm gonna do something, maybe let's say my own car and they want it, and now you're feeling really selfish that if you meet your own need, that you're gonna be like your narcissistic parent, and now that means that you've abandoned your child and your child's gonna feel the same way you're feeling.
00:19:47.869 --> 00:19:50.189
Can you see how these become blurred?
00:19:50.750 --> 00:20:03.789
And so it's really important to be able to separate out that responsibility because when we carry this responsibility with our own kids and we overcompensate and overdo, this is where resentment builds.
00:20:03.949 --> 00:20:05.389
This is where we feel resentment.
00:20:05.549 --> 00:20:14.589
And this is where often the parent, then, the healthy enough parent, can feel after all I've done for you, and then become so scared thinking, oh my God, I just sound like my narcissistic parent.
00:20:14.909 --> 00:20:18.349
One that is completely separate because this is abusive, right?
00:20:18.429 --> 00:20:20.429
The narcissistic parent is abusive.
00:20:20.750 --> 00:20:25.470
For you, I want you to go into that feeling of resentment because it is valid.
00:20:25.710 --> 00:20:28.429
But your feeling of resentment is about you.
00:20:28.909 --> 00:20:33.629
It is showing you the times, okay, where have I done far too much?
00:20:33.789 --> 00:20:34.029
Right?
00:20:34.189 --> 00:20:36.109
Where have I felt overly responsible?
00:20:36.189 --> 00:20:39.230
And what do I need to take out of my box, right?
00:20:39.389 --> 00:20:40.669
What is actually theirs?
00:20:40.829 --> 00:20:42.589
What do I need to put down?
00:20:42.829 --> 00:20:46.109
What have I been carrying so much that I'm so used to it?
00:20:46.349 --> 00:20:52.429
And now feel resentful that when, you know, a row erupts or they won't do something that I asked.
00:20:52.669 --> 00:21:00.669
This is the part that's your responsibility to look through this box and see actually where you might be carrying too much responsibility of theirs.
00:21:00.829 --> 00:21:10.669
And so to make this clearer, I actually printed off the list that I do in the Cam Parent, and I want to read it out to you to be clearer what you are responsible for and also what you're not responsible for.
00:21:10.829 --> 00:21:21.389
So I, as the parent, am responsible for loving my child without condition, protecting them, providing structure, guiding them, holding limits and boundaries.
00:21:21.710 --> 00:21:28.829
I'm responsible for my own reactions and going back to put it right, so apologize and atone when I get it wrong.
00:21:29.069 --> 00:21:34.990
And I am responsible for my young children and to my adult children.
00:21:35.230 --> 00:21:35.549
Okay.
00:21:35.789 --> 00:21:41.470
So for our young children, when we're talking about the decisions that they make, like we make those decisions.
00:21:41.629 --> 00:21:51.710
We have the power to what play dates they go on, what time they go to bed, uh, who they meet or don't meet, what extracurricular activities they have, what school they go to, we decide all these things.
00:21:51.869 --> 00:21:56.189
When they're a baby, you know, we decide their sleep, all of these things, their food.
00:21:56.429 --> 00:21:59.869
We have such responsibility for our young kids.
00:22:00.189 --> 00:22:05.069
But when they're adults, we have responsibility to, with.
00:22:05.549 --> 00:22:09.629
And this is what can be so hard when you've carried that responsibility all your life.
00:22:09.789 --> 00:22:14.589
In fact, if you've done so much for your kids, your kids actually might feel very entitled.
00:22:14.829 --> 00:22:22.589
And they might just expect this and they might treat your home as if it's a hotel because you've showed them that this is your responsibility.
00:22:22.750 --> 00:22:26.429
And so then now, if you don't do it, they're looking at you going, hey, why didn't you do the thing?
00:22:26.589 --> 00:22:28.269
You were supposed to do the thing, right?
00:22:28.349 --> 00:22:30.509
And they might be angry and critical.
00:22:30.829 --> 00:22:37.309
And so this is the part for you acknowledging that and being like, I know I did this thing, but I'm taking that out of my box.
00:22:37.470 --> 00:22:38.750
I should never have done that.
00:22:38.909 --> 00:22:40.750
And this changes now.
00:22:41.230 --> 00:22:41.629
Yeah.
00:22:41.789 --> 00:22:43.069
I'm not going to do that anymore.
00:22:43.230 --> 00:22:45.549
And so when you do that, you might get pushback.
00:22:45.710 --> 00:22:48.669
So let's look at what you're not responsible for.
00:22:48.909 --> 00:22:52.109
I am not responsible for my child's constant happiness.
00:22:52.349 --> 00:22:56.029
I am not responsible for shielding them from failure.
00:22:56.509 --> 00:22:59.309
Failure is a natural part of life.
00:22:59.710 --> 00:23:06.509
And what we want to do is be with them in that failure to comfort them, to support them, to see them, to see them.
00:23:06.909 --> 00:23:08.909
Them in their pain, in their disappointment.
00:23:09.230 --> 00:23:10.829
Of course, you're disappointed.
00:23:11.069 --> 00:23:11.470
Yeah.
00:23:11.629 --> 00:23:16.509
A lot of the language that you might need to use, you might actually need to use for yourself.
00:23:17.149 --> 00:23:22.589
Because in those moments, a lot of the times when our kid is distressed, they actually don't need more words.
00:23:22.990 --> 00:23:23.309
Yeah.
00:23:23.389 --> 00:23:27.389
And when we're reassuring them, we might actually be reassuring ourselves.
00:23:27.869 --> 00:23:32.189
So what it what is it like for you, for your own inner voice, right?
00:23:32.349 --> 00:23:36.669
Your own inner reparenting to say to you that this is okay.
00:23:36.829 --> 00:23:38.509
This is okay that they're upset.
00:23:38.669 --> 00:23:40.750
This is okay that they're disappointed.
00:23:41.230 --> 00:23:43.230
And you get to be with them in that.
00:23:43.389 --> 00:23:45.869
This is not your responsibility to fix it.
00:23:46.669 --> 00:23:52.990
As I say that, all these examples that I'm given, I'm not using any examples around safety, right?
00:23:53.149 --> 00:23:58.909
So if your kid has been bullied, that is a time where we do interject as parents.
00:23:59.149 --> 00:23:59.470
Okay.
00:23:59.710 --> 00:24:03.629
I'm talking about the everyday struggles and disappointments that they have.
00:24:03.869 --> 00:24:05.949
That this is not a responsibility.
00:24:06.109 --> 00:24:09.470
I'm also not responsible for every choice they make.
00:24:10.029 --> 00:24:19.389
An example of that, I'm thinking of like when my kids, and they still have a like when they're young, I'm thinking of uh one of my kids in particular, and they really struggle with when it's their birthday, right?
00:24:19.470 --> 00:24:24.349
They get a wee party and they get um to do something and take, you know, some friends with them.
00:24:24.589 --> 00:24:27.949
And they really struggle with what will I do for the next party?
00:24:28.109 --> 00:24:29.230
What where are we gonna go?
00:24:29.389 --> 00:24:29.869
What could I do?
00:24:29.949 --> 00:24:31.470
And will I do this or will I do this?
00:24:31.629 --> 00:24:31.869
Right.
00:24:31.949 --> 00:24:33.230
And for them, this is huge.
00:24:33.309 --> 00:24:33.949
And it is.
00:24:34.109 --> 00:24:35.710
It this is so relative to their life.
00:24:35.869 --> 00:24:37.389
This is such a battle for them.
00:24:37.629 --> 00:24:39.710
They really, really struggle with this.
00:24:39.869 --> 00:24:40.669
What will I do?
00:24:40.829 --> 00:24:44.189
And their fears are that they don't want to make a mistake.
00:24:44.269 --> 00:24:47.549
They want to pick like the best thing and they don't want to be disappointed.
00:24:47.710 --> 00:24:51.710
They don't want to pick option B and then be like, oh, I should have picked option A.
00:24:51.789 --> 00:24:54.109
So they're looking to me, going, what should I pick?
00:24:54.269 --> 00:24:58.349
And I honestly am sitting with them going, I know this is a tough one, isn't it?
00:24:58.509 --> 00:25:00.509
Like they're two such good ideas.
00:25:00.750 --> 00:25:01.069
Yeah.
00:25:01.149 --> 00:25:02.189
And they're like, yeah, it is.
00:25:02.269 --> 00:25:03.629
Will you just pick?
00:25:03.949 --> 00:25:04.349
Right?
00:25:04.509 --> 00:25:07.149
And I'm like, no, no, this is not my party.
00:25:07.230 --> 00:25:07.789
This is up to you.
00:25:07.869 --> 00:25:08.829
And I know it's hard.
00:25:08.990 --> 00:25:09.309
Yeah.
00:25:09.389 --> 00:25:10.189
So keep talking to me.
00:25:10.349 --> 00:25:11.869
Tell me, tell me what you think.
00:25:12.509 --> 00:25:18.109
I don't even consider the idea that I am responsible for them picking it.
00:25:18.429 --> 00:25:19.069
Right.
00:25:19.389 --> 00:25:22.509
So this went on, this went on for days.
00:25:22.669 --> 00:25:27.389
Um, and what I did was going, okay, let's write down all the ideas we have, right?
00:25:27.470 --> 00:25:28.909
Because it was things that I was suggesting.
00:25:28.990 --> 00:25:29.949
You know, what about doing this?
00:25:30.029 --> 00:25:30.429
What about that?
00:25:30.589 --> 00:25:32.589
No, no, that's boring, no, that's no good, right?
00:25:32.669 --> 00:25:39.629
So I was saying, okay, let's write down all the ideas and let's cross off the ones that are definite no's and then leave the ones that are maybes, right?
00:25:39.789 --> 00:25:45.710
So this is a way that I can support them, that I can help them and we can look and see these things.
00:25:46.029 --> 00:25:48.429
This also gets to have limits.
00:25:48.909 --> 00:26:00.509
So if my child is coming in and wants to do this right now, if I'm in the middle of doing something and cooking dinner or tending to another child or folding the clothes or even having a cup of tea, that is up to me.
00:26:00.669 --> 00:26:04.269
I can hold that limit and say, okay, we're going to talk about this in an hour, right?
00:26:04.349 --> 00:26:09.309
Or this evening, later on, you know, when the other kids go to bed or when I have time, we'll talk about this.
00:26:09.549 --> 00:26:11.470
This is where you get to exist as well.
00:26:11.549 --> 00:26:19.230
So when I'm talking about responsibility, this does not mean that this has to dominate your world, your thoughts, your life.
00:26:19.470 --> 00:26:21.470
Because this isn't your birthday.
00:26:21.710 --> 00:26:25.230
This is them and their struggle trying to figure this out.
00:26:25.549 --> 00:26:30.429
So that's a really good example of how I can be with my child and not fix it.
00:26:30.669 --> 00:26:33.789
And when they're really struggling, I don't know what to do, right?
00:26:33.949 --> 00:26:39.549
Because they don't want to be left with a disappointment if they get it wrong, and I'm doing wrong in inverted commas because there is no wrong.
00:26:39.789 --> 00:26:46.990
Whereas the knowing that I have as the adult is that even if they get this wrong in inverted commas, right?
00:26:47.069 --> 00:26:52.669
If they pick this whatever party they want and that turns out to be shit, and they're like, oh my god, I should have gone to the other one.
00:26:52.990 --> 00:26:53.309
Okay.
00:26:54.349 --> 00:26:56.429
Now we have information for the next time.
00:26:56.669 --> 00:27:00.189
Now we know not to do that one, that you don't want to do that one.
00:27:00.429 --> 00:27:01.710
That's okay.
00:27:02.109 --> 00:27:03.869
And they get to be disappointed.
00:27:04.029 --> 00:27:07.389
And we even get to imagine what it might have been like doing the other thing.
00:27:07.710 --> 00:27:08.349
Yeah.
00:27:08.589 --> 00:27:10.909
That's valid, but I don't have to fix it.
00:27:11.149 --> 00:27:22.269
Whereas if I'm scared of their emotion that they're going to be devastated and they're going to rule the roost at home and it's just going to be awful and it's going to be a nightmare, I'm going to operate from that fear.
00:27:22.349 --> 00:27:26.750
And now I might go over and above to make sure like this birthday is perfect.
00:27:26.990 --> 00:27:27.549
Right.
00:27:27.789 --> 00:27:31.069
So see all the responsibility that I'm carrying for their happiness.
00:27:31.230 --> 00:27:32.269
That's not airs.
00:27:32.429 --> 00:27:35.549
So I want you again to look through this box and see what it's like.
00:27:35.710 --> 00:27:38.189
See even what you're noticing for you as I'm talking about this.
00:27:38.349 --> 00:27:39.470
Does this resonate with you?
00:27:39.629 --> 00:27:40.750
Does this make sense to you?
00:27:40.909 --> 00:27:42.349
Are you struggling with this?
00:27:42.589 --> 00:27:45.069
Going, no, no, I would still have to fix it.
00:27:45.230 --> 00:27:46.909
It would be too uncomfortable for me.
00:27:47.069 --> 00:27:49.149
So if that's the case, just notice that.
00:27:49.389 --> 00:27:55.470
And look at again where this was coming from at the beginning, going, do you feel responsible for every failure they make?
00:27:56.109 --> 00:28:00.750
And even is this a failure, or is this just more information that we have now?
00:28:01.230 --> 00:28:10.189
In terms of what you're not responsible for, whether they like the rule, whether they like the limit that you set, you're not responsible for that.
00:28:10.429 --> 00:28:10.750
Yeah.
00:28:10.909 --> 00:28:12.029
They don't have to like it.
00:28:12.189 --> 00:28:15.309
This is where it comes that we can overexplain and do too much.
00:28:15.710 --> 00:28:17.710
Like they don't have to like it.
00:28:18.349 --> 00:28:24.589
But you have to trust yourself on the limit that you set and be clear in how you communicate this.
00:28:25.869 --> 00:28:29.069
I am not responsible for everyone else's feelings.
00:28:30.990 --> 00:28:36.509
You, as the parent, are also not responsible for everybody else's feelings within the house.
00:28:36.750 --> 00:28:37.149
Yeah.
00:28:37.470 --> 00:28:53.149
When we think back to your parents, if they put that responsibility on you and then they put this in your box, and now you are responsible for how your mother feels about your sibling, how she feels about her husband, how your father might feel about this person and everything that's happening.
00:28:53.389 --> 00:28:58.990
What you then are trained to do, because this is your responsibility, is to be the go-between.
00:28:59.230 --> 00:29:00.909
I have to fix this now, right?
00:29:01.069 --> 00:29:07.629
What you don't realize as a child is that you're being manipulated and that you are now doing your narcissistic parents' bidding for you.
00:29:07.789 --> 00:29:12.589
So you are going now to your sibling going, you know, ma'am was mad about this thing, and will you just do this?
00:29:12.669 --> 00:29:14.189
Why don't you do X, Y, or Z?
00:29:14.269 --> 00:29:16.429
Will you just do this thing to make her happy?
00:29:16.589 --> 00:29:16.829
Right?
00:29:16.909 --> 00:29:20.109
Because you've been trained that that's your responsibility to make her happy.
00:29:20.269 --> 00:29:22.109
That was never your responsibility.
00:29:22.269 --> 00:29:26.429
That was always hers, and that was her manipulation, putting that on you.
00:29:26.829 --> 00:29:27.149
Okay.
00:29:27.949 --> 00:29:34.349
So here, when your child is coming to you, that they are mad with their sibling, right?
00:29:34.509 --> 00:29:45.869
My sibling, you know, when I think of teenagers, they took my top, she took my makeup, the younger ones, she took my toy, or the older ones, you know, I rang them and they're not answering, blah, blah, blah.
00:29:46.189 --> 00:29:52.189
Often, if you've been trained with this responsibility, you might want to jump in and fix it because that has been your role.
00:29:52.349 --> 00:29:53.710
You have been conditioned to do this.
00:29:53.869 --> 00:30:00.029
You might go to whichever sibling it is and now try to intervene and be the go-between.
00:30:00.669 --> 00:30:03.069
But is that your responsibility?
00:30:03.869 --> 00:30:19.309
And I wonder what it would be like to piece this out and tease this out, and what it would be like if you were to support your child in them being able to articulate or become aware of what they might need in this moment.
00:30:19.549 --> 00:30:23.789
So this is going to greatly depend on the age of the child, right?
00:30:23.949 --> 00:30:32.990
If this is a little toddler and somebody's after taking the toy off them and they're really upset, this is in no way, I'm not talking about them right there and then, right?
00:30:33.149 --> 00:30:36.189
I don't like when parents are like, use your words, right?
00:30:36.349 --> 00:30:37.869
Calm down and just use your words.
00:30:37.949 --> 00:30:40.109
No, because they're really upset in the moment.
00:30:40.829 --> 00:30:46.669
I am talking about when your child is a little bit older or even after the fact of that thing happening, right?
00:30:46.750 --> 00:30:56.909
If your child is able to talk, that what I mean is if they're four and five and they're able to use language and are able to structure sentences, that we might intervene in that moment.
00:30:57.069 --> 00:31:05.470
But then afterwards, you know, the next day, we might talk to them about what they could do the next time if their sibling takes something, like what might need to happen.
00:31:05.789 --> 00:31:15.789
We also need to be very aware that just because we say, okay, well, maybe come and get mommy the next time or, you know, don't grab it back off them, whatever the thing we're trying to say, it's going to happen again.
00:31:15.869 --> 00:31:17.949
We're going to have realistic expectations.
00:31:18.269 --> 00:31:24.269
But I'm really thinking when our kids are a bit older, eight, nine, fifteen, sixteen, twenty-eight, twenty nine.
00:31:24.509 --> 00:31:45.069
And if they're talking to you about their other sibling, what if in this is that your responsibility is to be the container, to be able to hold what they're saying, recognize their pain, offer them any feedback if it's relevant, but ultimately ask them what do they need to do to rectify this?
00:31:45.789 --> 00:31:48.829
You know, what what do they want help with?
00:31:49.309 --> 00:31:49.949
Yeah.
00:31:50.269 --> 00:31:56.669
This is where we can actually silence them and we can jump in with again what we were trained to carry.
00:31:57.149 --> 00:32:00.589
But this was never your responsibility to be the go-between.
00:32:00.750 --> 00:32:16.269
That is manipulation and puts such uh an unfair responsibility on you that then you don't get to have the relationship with, let's say, your sibling or your other parent, because you have been manipulated to do their bidding.
00:32:16.509 --> 00:32:19.629
And so you're denied those relationships.
00:32:19.789 --> 00:32:25.710
If you feel that responsibility, you might think that you're doing the good thing thing by trying to fix everything.
00:32:25.949 --> 00:32:26.269
Yeah.
00:32:26.429 --> 00:32:30.750
I see this a lot with the parent, with the other parent, right?
00:32:30.829 --> 00:32:35.949
So let's say for you now, if you recognize this and one of your kids might be angry with the other parent, right?
00:32:36.029 --> 00:32:37.789
Let's just say if it's their dad.
00:32:38.189 --> 00:32:46.269
And the parent has such fear and they want to reassure, you know, and to not have their child feeling what they're feeling.
00:32:46.589 --> 00:32:48.909
Whereas what if their feelings are valid?
00:32:49.470 --> 00:32:53.710
And what if I'm a safe person that you get to complain about your dad to me?
00:32:53.949 --> 00:32:56.509
And this is not about triangulation or colluding.
00:32:56.669 --> 00:33:03.309
And also in that, what I'm gonna help you do is, you know, we need to, how can you say this to dad and let him know?
00:33:03.789 --> 00:33:04.189
Yeah.
00:33:04.349 --> 00:33:07.069
So we're gonna be there to provide the support.
00:33:07.309 --> 00:33:08.750
So again, I want to say that again.
00:33:08.909 --> 00:33:12.349
This is not about tipping everything out of the box and doing nothing.
00:33:12.669 --> 00:33:19.549
This is about being with, but not being driven by that urgency and that fear that I have to fix and rescue.
00:33:19.710 --> 00:33:23.309
So I want them to invite you to do one thing this week, right?
00:33:23.869 --> 00:33:27.710
What are you carrying in your box that is not your responsibility?
00:33:27.869 --> 00:33:35.549
And I want you to slow this down because the urgency is going to be to either keep everything or fix everything.
00:33:35.789 --> 00:33:41.069
And so I want you to recognize what that is and then not rush to fix it.
00:33:41.309 --> 00:33:51.069
And I want you to expect the feelings of responsibility to come up in that urgency, that need to do, explain, do more.
00:33:51.230 --> 00:33:52.829
And I don't want to set you up for failure.
00:33:52.990 --> 00:34:09.710
So I want you to expect the feeling of guilt and even the feeling of shame, because you have been conditioned with this box of responsibility that if you don't do this, right, you're gonna be guilt-tripped, pulled on your heartstrings, and being made feel like you're a bad son or daughter that you didn't do X, Y, or Z.
00:34:10.190 --> 00:34:12.030
And so that conditioning is gonna come up.
00:34:12.190 --> 00:34:16.349
When you identify this one thing that you are carrying that is not your responsibility.
00:34:16.510 --> 00:34:17.710
So whose job is this?
00:34:17.869 --> 00:34:18.829
That's another way to ask this.
00:34:18.990 --> 00:34:19.949
Whose job is this?
00:34:20.110 --> 00:34:21.789
Whose is this to hold?
00:34:22.349 --> 00:34:29.710
And when you identify that, when this is playing out in real time, expect the guilt, expect the shame.
00:34:29.869 --> 00:34:34.110
But I'm asking you not to act on that in the moment.
00:34:34.269 --> 00:34:41.230
I'm asking you to try and tolerate that and again to begin to identify, okay, where is this coming from?
00:34:41.710 --> 00:34:43.949
And to be able to separate the two out.
00:34:44.110 --> 00:34:46.110
And with that, I'm actually gonna do an episode.
00:34:46.190 --> 00:34:50.590
The next episode is gonna be about guilt and shame because guilt is not a bad thing.
00:34:50.909 --> 00:34:57.550
But you have been guilted and shamed that if you didn't meet their needs, and so this is what can show up with our kids.
00:34:57.710 --> 00:35:00.510
So the next episode, I'm gonna do an episode on that.
00:35:00.750 --> 00:35:09.150
But I also want to ask you then, in terms of this box that you're carrying, where can you be supported?
00:35:10.110 --> 00:35:12.510
Where can you lean on somebody?
00:35:12.750 --> 00:35:15.630
Where can somebody take something from you?
00:35:15.789 --> 00:35:18.269
And how difficult is that as I say that?
00:35:18.509 --> 00:35:25.710
And also, what would it be like to allow somebody to carry something for you and for you to not have to earn it first?
00:35:26.509 --> 00:35:28.989
For you to be deserving of this support.
00:35:29.150 --> 00:35:34.190
And that support can be anything from time to share or vent.
00:35:34.429 --> 00:35:40.029
That can be support in terms of like practical help for something that you are allowed to ask for it.
00:35:40.269 --> 00:35:42.750
That again might be in your relationship with your partner.
00:35:42.909 --> 00:35:50.670
What are you carrying with them that is actually their responsibility, even if they don't want to take it in terms of their parenting duties or in the relationship with you?
00:35:50.829 --> 00:35:53.949
Where are you carrying their feelings over something?
00:35:54.750 --> 00:35:58.989
And in that relationship, where can you be supported?
00:35:59.869 --> 00:36:02.190
Okay, because this is about you.
00:36:02.429 --> 00:36:05.949
This is again where you would, this wouldn't have been allowed in childhood.
00:36:06.110 --> 00:36:16.909
And this is what happens when we begin to take small, manageable steps within our own window of tolerance where we can begin to deconstruct those messages we got around responsibility.
00:36:17.150 --> 00:36:19.469
So, yeah, that's what I invite you to do this week.
00:36:19.710 --> 00:36:23.710
Recognize one part where you are carrying something that's not yours.
00:36:23.869 --> 00:36:25.789
Ask yourself, whose job is this?
00:36:26.029 --> 00:36:26.349
Yeah.
00:36:26.509 --> 00:36:27.789
And begin to put it down.
00:36:27.949 --> 00:36:30.110
They don't even have to take the responsibility.
00:36:30.269 --> 00:36:36.429
You just need to know that it's not yours and put that down and tell me what that feels like in your nervous system.
00:36:37.069 --> 00:36:43.949
As well, where is one place that you can be supported without having to earn it first?
00:36:44.349 --> 00:36:45.789
Okay, so that's it for this week.
00:36:45.949 --> 00:36:46.909
Thanks for being with me.
00:36:46.989 --> 00:36:50.509
Um, let me know how it goes, and I will see you again next week.
00:36:50.829 --> 00:36:51.469
Bye.
00:01:06.909 --> 00:01:10.829
Hello everyone, Falter Roth, and welcome back to another episode on The Cam Parent.
00:01:10.989 --> 00:01:13.069
Today I want to talk about responsibilities.
00:01:13.310 --> 00:01:17.950
What is your responsibility versus what your child's responsibility is?
00:01:18.189 --> 00:01:27.229
And before we get to that part, I want to talk a little bit about what you may have been conditioned to do, what you were trained to do in terms of responsibility.
00:01:27.390 --> 00:01:34.829
So then we can see how these may have become blurred and you might be carrying excess responsibility when it comes to your child.
00:01:35.069 --> 00:01:41.229
So I want you to think back to you when you were a child and think of responsibilities in terms of a box.
00:01:41.469 --> 00:01:45.469
And here your parent gave you a box to hold.
00:01:45.629 --> 00:01:49.229
And like a child, what does a child do when a parent is handing them the box?
00:01:49.390 --> 00:01:53.949
They put out their hands and they carry it because that's what children do, right?
00:01:54.349 --> 00:01:57.629
And over time, you become so used to carrying the box.
00:01:57.870 --> 00:01:58.989
You are so capable.
00:01:59.069 --> 00:02:04.670
And you might even feel so mature for carrying the box because you're the responsible one.
00:02:04.750 --> 00:02:08.509
You may have been told that only you could be trusted with this box and carrying this.
00:02:08.590 --> 00:02:10.030
And what would I do without you?
00:02:10.269 --> 00:02:13.789
And so over time, you don't even feel the weight of the box.
00:02:14.030 --> 00:02:16.670
You just become so accustomed to doing this.
00:02:16.829 --> 00:02:19.629
Again, you're the responsible one, you're the capable one.
00:02:19.789 --> 00:02:21.149
This is just what you do.
00:02:21.469 --> 00:02:27.069
You cope, you learn to cope, and you don't see all you're carrying.
00:02:27.230 --> 00:02:34.509
So I'm going to talk a little bit briefly just about what might be in that box, what might have been given to you that was never yours to carry.
00:02:34.590 --> 00:02:40.189
And I'm going to use the emotionally immature or narcissistic mother or father as an example of what they put in.
00:02:40.509 --> 00:02:46.750
But you use whichever parent this suits for you, whichever parent you recognize in these examples.
00:02:46.990 --> 00:02:50.189
So first, your mother's moods may have been put in the box.
00:02:50.349 --> 00:02:52.110
She said, This is on you to carry.
00:02:52.269 --> 00:02:56.909
This is up to you to be able to monitor, mind me, care for me, support me.
00:02:57.149 --> 00:03:06.110
And so then you become so accustomed to be able to reading her mood that you try to circumvent or prevent her being in bad form or being angry.
00:03:06.269 --> 00:03:10.349
And when she's sad, this is also your responsibility to fix it.
00:03:10.590 --> 00:03:15.550
Your father may have put the peace in your responsibility in your box.
00:03:15.629 --> 00:03:20.670
So it's up to you to keep the peace, to keep yourself small, to keep everyone calm and quiet.
00:03:20.829 --> 00:03:27.069
And if anything happens, if anything wrong or unfair or unjust was done to you, just ignore that.
00:03:27.230 --> 00:03:27.949
Just keep the peace.
00:03:28.029 --> 00:03:28.829
Just say nothing.
00:03:28.990 --> 00:03:32.670
And even on top of that, you may have been told to go and apologize, right?
00:03:32.750 --> 00:03:34.029
When you've done nothing wrong.
00:03:34.189 --> 00:03:37.629
So not only stay invisible, but take the blame.
00:03:37.790 --> 00:03:38.910
That's your responsibility.
00:03:39.069 --> 00:03:41.069
That's what we do in this house to keep the peace.
00:03:41.310 --> 00:03:45.629
One or both parents may have put their feelings as well in that box for you to carry.
00:03:45.790 --> 00:03:54.509
So if this was your mother, you might have to carry her feelings on your father, on her siblings, on her children, which are your siblings.
00:03:54.670 --> 00:03:58.269
You may have to carry all that and again adjust yourself accordingly.
00:03:58.430 --> 00:04:06.189
And then with your father, he may have put his feelings in there, his feelings on his wife, on his kids, on how he feels about everybody else.
00:04:06.430 --> 00:04:08.350
And again, you're invisible in this.
00:04:08.589 --> 00:04:10.029
You just have to carry this.
00:04:10.189 --> 00:04:14.509
This is another weight for you to carry that you've just become so accustomed in.
00:04:14.829 --> 00:04:18.509
Your mother may have put her loneliness on you as your responsibility.
00:04:18.670 --> 00:04:25.389
So it's up to you to never leave her alone, never let her feel her loneliness or her responsibility to do anything about it.
00:04:25.550 --> 00:04:27.709
Again, that responsibility was given to you.
00:04:27.870 --> 00:04:39.709
You may have also had the responsibility of your younger siblings, minding them, feeding them, doing their homework, you know, getting them out in the mornings, maybe their emotional well-being, being there as their emotional support.
00:04:39.870 --> 00:04:43.389
Your mother may have put her looks in your box.
00:04:43.629 --> 00:04:43.949
Okay.
00:04:44.509 --> 00:04:50.110
So how she looked in terms of your appearance, your grades, your achievements.
00:04:50.430 --> 00:04:54.750
You weren't in any way allowed to embarrass her or embarrass the family.
00:04:54.910 --> 00:04:57.469
So what happens in this house stays in this house.
00:04:57.709 --> 00:05:02.750
Your father may have put this in in terms of different achievements for him as well.
00:05:02.910 --> 00:05:05.310
But this is all about how they look, right?
00:05:05.469 --> 00:05:06.350
So say nothing.
00:05:06.509 --> 00:05:08.430
Whatever happens in this house, say nothing.
00:05:08.509 --> 00:05:10.269
And we have to show up a certain way.
00:05:10.430 --> 00:05:13.310
But this is about them and how they are perceived.
00:05:13.469 --> 00:05:19.870
But again, there's an invisibility here with you, and you are carrying the responsibility of how they look.
00:05:20.750 --> 00:05:26.109
Firstly, as I'm saying that, can you see how unfair this is and maybe how heavy this box is getting?
00:05:26.269 --> 00:05:28.589
Your mother may have put her happiness in that box.
00:05:28.669 --> 00:05:30.029
So this is your responsibility.
00:05:30.109 --> 00:05:36.509
And if she is not happy, this is your fault and you've somehow failed, and then it's your job to figure that out.
00:05:36.829 --> 00:05:48.109
You may also have the responsibility of other adult things: money, bills, marriage, things that you were way too young and should have never had to carry.
00:05:48.349 --> 00:05:51.949
But this is the responsibility that you were given.
00:05:52.109 --> 00:05:56.589
And again, as a child, a child just takes what they were given from their parent.
00:05:56.829 --> 00:05:59.389
But this is a heavy burden to carry.
00:05:59.629 --> 00:06:02.189
This is a heavy responsibility to carry.
00:06:02.430 --> 00:06:17.310
And I want you to think about that and then think about how we carry that then into adulthood and feel responsible for the people that we care about and we love, this urgency to fix, or if they're in a bad mood, how we might feel responsible and to blame.
00:06:17.550 --> 00:06:19.229
So now I want to talk about that.
00:06:19.310 --> 00:06:23.389
If you recognize all that and you're like, oh yeah, that's exactly what I was taught to carry.
00:06:23.469 --> 00:06:24.829
That's exactly what I was given.
00:06:24.909 --> 00:06:27.550
That's exactly what I was forced to carry, right?
00:06:27.629 --> 00:06:31.789
Because there's no choice to put this down when you're a child because you're going to be punished further.
00:06:31.949 --> 00:06:40.750
So it is safer to carry this in order to keep yourself as safe as you can be and to keep your parent as happy as they can be with you.
00:06:41.389 --> 00:06:45.709
But now I want to talk about when you're carrying that into the relationship with your child.
00:06:45.870 --> 00:06:51.469
And this responsibility might look like their bad mood is your responsibility to fix.
00:06:51.629 --> 00:06:57.389
So if they come in from school of an evening and you just know something is off and you're gonna notice that, right?
00:06:57.469 --> 00:07:02.589
One, if you're attuned to your child, but two, your hypervigilance, you're gonna be able to see this and realize this.
00:07:02.750 --> 00:07:08.109
And I was asked the other day by a client something about hypervigilance, would they be ever be able to get rid of the hypervigilance?
00:07:08.269 --> 00:07:10.990
And I wanted to reframe this for them.
00:07:11.550 --> 00:07:14.349
You have been trained for hypervigilance.
00:07:14.509 --> 00:07:17.789
Think of this in terms of really high security, right?
00:07:17.870 --> 00:07:23.389
Where you have been trained to be able to watch for that shift, to be able to notice what's happening.
00:07:23.629 --> 00:07:33.469
The difference is when you were brought up in this in childhood, there's so much fear because you have to watch and change and act accordingly to avoid the punishment.
00:07:33.870 --> 00:07:42.909
So, what if you are able to notice things, these things with your kids, but not feel fear and not feel responsible to fix it?
00:07:43.149 --> 00:07:50.430
Okay, so we're gonna create a bit of distance or we're gonna take the responsibility out of the box that we're carrying, right?
00:07:50.509 --> 00:07:52.990
We definitely want to take the fear out of that.
00:07:53.229 --> 00:07:56.029
We're just now observing the information, right?
00:07:56.109 --> 00:07:59.629
So that might sound like in your own head going, oh, they're pissed off, right?
00:07:59.709 --> 00:08:00.669
And we could get curious.
00:08:00.750 --> 00:08:01.870
I wonder what happened.
00:08:02.029 --> 00:08:03.550
Like I wonder what happened them.
00:08:03.629 --> 00:08:05.469
And I wonder what they might need right now.
00:08:05.629 --> 00:08:12.669
And depending on the age of your kid, you could ask them this, or you could even give it a few minutes to see what unfolds.
00:08:12.829 --> 00:08:16.029
Because if we look at this box, it's not about throwing out the whole box.
00:08:16.189 --> 00:08:21.709
It's about trying to sort out the box and see what I'm responsible for and what I'm not responsible for.
00:08:21.870 --> 00:08:23.149
And the first is to notice.
00:08:23.229 --> 00:08:25.469
Do you remember when I talked about the four F's and which are you?
00:08:25.550 --> 00:08:36.029
And to notice this urgency in your body, that if you feel one, that you are to blame, or two, that this is your responsibility to fix this, I want to ask you to pause right there.
00:08:36.190 --> 00:08:43.550
Because when we're talking about the box of responsibility here, we're not talking about throwing everything out and not caring and going completely the opposite way.
00:08:43.710 --> 00:08:47.870
We're talking about becoming curious about what is mine and what is yours.
00:08:48.110 --> 00:08:48.430
Okay.
00:08:48.750 --> 00:08:55.629
So often what I see in that example is that if a child comes in in a bad mood, straight away the parent's anxiety can rise.
00:08:55.789 --> 00:09:01.629
The fear can rise and they can begin to feel responsible for fixing it, for finding out what happened.
00:09:01.789 --> 00:09:03.550
And there is a part here with empathy, right?
00:09:03.629 --> 00:09:07.629
I can be really curious and have such empathy because I wonder what's going on with them.
00:09:07.870 --> 00:09:14.110
But often the other predominant emotion will be fear, because the reason I might want to find out is so that I can fix it.
00:09:14.269 --> 00:09:21.230
The reason I want to find out is because I don't want my child to feel any distressing or upsetting feelings.
00:09:21.389 --> 00:09:26.269
And this can show up practically as well, where you mightn't want your kid to struggle with something.
00:09:26.430 --> 00:09:28.509
So you end up doing the thing for them instead.
00:09:28.669 --> 00:09:47.790
So this could be packing their lunch, you know, putting away their clothes, uh, driving them, dropping them everywhere, never getting them to wait, doing everything for them because you feel really fearful or struggle when they're upset, when they don't know how to wait, when they're really struggling with learning something like a new task.
00:09:47.950 --> 00:09:51.310
Let's say they feel really useless when they can't do something.
00:09:51.470 --> 00:09:53.070
No, I'm no good at this, I can't do this.
00:09:53.150 --> 00:09:57.950
And if you can't bear to see them struggle, you can jump in there and rescue them.
00:09:58.270 --> 00:10:02.910
But if we look at this in terms of the box, whose need are you meeting there?
00:10:03.230 --> 00:10:08.270
And I wonder, is this coming from this place that you feel responsible for this, that this is your fault?
00:10:08.430 --> 00:10:16.270
That if your child is struggling with something, and this can be anything in terms of sport, academically, in relationships, maybe if they're not getting on with their friends.
00:10:16.430 --> 00:10:20.270
And again, this can be as young as the toddler, the teenager, or the adult.
00:10:20.430 --> 00:10:28.990
I actually saw a post the other day on Instagram and it was a parent who was saying that she really struggled much more with her adult kids.
00:10:29.150 --> 00:10:34.910
Because when they were younger, if something happened, let's say if they weren't invited to a friend's house, the parent could fix this, right?
00:10:34.990 --> 00:10:39.070
She could ring the parent, or if something happened at school, she could ring the school and she could fix it for them.
00:10:39.230 --> 00:10:49.710
But what she was really struggling with was in terms of responsibility, because when the kids were older and they were adults, they either weren't telling her things or they were getting really annoyed that she was trying to fix it for them.
00:10:49.870 --> 00:10:52.590
And so she was learning this lesson when they were adults.
00:10:52.670 --> 00:10:57.950
And we can learn this lesson at any stage, but I want to even bring it back here when they were a child.
00:10:58.190 --> 00:11:03.710
And this fear or this urgency to fix things for them and not let them struggle.
00:11:03.870 --> 00:11:11.629
And I think it comes from one, this fear of what is my responsibility, but also the fear of being neglectful, right?
00:11:11.790 --> 00:11:18.270
Because if you grow up in a dysfunctional home, you know exactly what it's like to be ignored and not cared for, right?
00:11:18.509 --> 00:11:27.070
That absolute uh loneliness, that emotional abandonment, that feeling that there's something wrong with you, that you don't belong, that you're different, that you're on the outside.
00:11:27.389 --> 00:11:31.470
And often that can become and play out here as well, right?
00:11:31.550 --> 00:11:34.750
Because I don't want my child to feel the way I felt.
00:11:35.310 --> 00:11:37.870
But this is in terms, again, of responsibility.
00:11:38.030 --> 00:11:40.190
So what is your responsibility?
00:11:40.430 --> 00:11:45.550
And here, your feelings are your responsibility and your fears are your responsibility.
00:11:45.629 --> 00:11:46.750
And they are valid.
00:11:46.990 --> 00:11:47.629
They are valid.
00:11:47.790 --> 00:11:52.350
What you're feeling, you're feeling exactly as you're supposed to be feeling from the history that you had.
00:11:52.590 --> 00:12:00.350
But awareness is about recognizing those feelings so that we don't just blindly act on them and then it looks like we're really helping our child.
00:12:00.430 --> 00:12:04.990
Whereas really what we're doing is helping ourselves from that distress and that fear.
00:12:05.230 --> 00:12:10.270
Also, this can show up in terms of you bracing yourself for an interaction.
00:12:10.430 --> 00:12:15.310
So let's say this is at school and they're having a bad time at school and you might be bracing yourself from coming home.
00:12:15.389 --> 00:12:22.750
Or if you have to ask them to do something, ask them to do a chore, or ask them to do something unexpected, you might be bracing, right?
00:12:22.830 --> 00:12:28.350
Because you're worried and fearful of what the reaction is going to be.
00:12:28.590 --> 00:12:38.509
And if we look back again in childhood, whenever you would ask something that was going to inconvenience your parent, how did they respond to you?
00:12:38.750 --> 00:12:40.830
And think of that bracing, right?
00:12:40.910 --> 00:12:41.790
That's valid for then.
00:12:41.950 --> 00:12:45.230
And bracing because this will be detrimental to my well-being.
00:12:45.389 --> 00:12:52.110
I will be given the silent treatment, I will be shamed, I will be shunned, I will, I will be dismissed, I will be ignored.
00:12:52.670 --> 00:12:59.389
This is where it is very different now when we are the parent, because we have the healthy power, right?
00:12:59.710 --> 00:13:05.070
We are responsible for teaching our kids this, for teaching them distress tolerance.
00:13:05.150 --> 00:13:08.270
And when I say teaching them, it's not even teaching them, it's allowing it.
00:13:08.430 --> 00:13:14.190
It's us not being driven by that fear that it's our responsibility and that we have to fix it.
00:13:14.430 --> 00:13:23.629
Because if you think of that, if we shift that and take that responsibility, that their happiness is not our responsibility.
00:13:23.790 --> 00:13:25.470
And a lot of people are gonna struggle with that.
00:13:25.550 --> 00:13:29.230
And it's like, no, wait, is my is their happiness not my responsibility?
00:13:29.470 --> 00:13:31.950
And it's not because you can't control that.
00:13:32.190 --> 00:13:35.070
You are only responsible for your own behavior.
00:13:35.230 --> 00:13:37.389
Think of this in terms of toddlers.
00:13:37.550 --> 00:13:44.030
Have you ever uh set up something, built something, you know, maybe put a blanket on the floor, and you know, this is the time that you are gonna play with blocks?
00:13:44.190 --> 00:13:47.070
And the kid comes over and just doesn't want to play with that at all, right?
00:13:47.150 --> 00:13:48.910
You you can't control them.
00:13:49.150 --> 00:13:51.150
We want to, we want this to be a lovely time.
00:13:51.310 --> 00:13:53.950
I I think a really good example of this might be dinner time.
00:13:54.190 --> 00:14:01.150
Have you ever had this idea of whatever, maybe dinner every day of the week, or maybe for you it might be on a Sunday.
00:14:01.310 --> 00:14:10.509
We're gonna sit down and we're gonna have this lovely dinner and it's gonna be ideal, and we're all gonna have conversations and nobody's gonna speak over each other, and it's gonna absolutely be lovely.
00:14:10.750 --> 00:14:11.150
Yeah.
00:14:11.310 --> 00:14:12.590
That's a wonderful idea.
00:14:12.670 --> 00:14:16.750
And I would love to have that myself, but the reality can be very different.
00:14:16.990 --> 00:14:23.870
And so this is an example that my wants uh doesn't have to be the same as my kids' want.
00:14:24.110 --> 00:14:24.509
It's the same.
00:14:24.670 --> 00:14:29.629
Have you ever taken your teenagers on holidays and they're not happy with the place that they're in?
00:14:29.870 --> 00:14:30.750
This is what I mean.
00:14:30.910 --> 00:14:36.030
You're not responsible for their happiness, but you are responsible for their behavior, right?
00:14:36.190 --> 00:14:46.110
So if we look at this in terms of responsibilities in the airport or in a hotel or minding them and their safety, and also that they feel seen and heard with their emotions.
00:14:46.350 --> 00:14:49.230
They are allowed to be not interested.
00:14:49.389 --> 00:14:51.629
They're allowed to be miserable, right?
00:14:51.870 --> 00:14:54.910
That can really uh annoy and infuriate us.
00:14:55.230 --> 00:15:01.230
We are allowed to have those feelings, but that is up to us to who are we going to share them with and how are we gonna manage them?
00:15:01.470 --> 00:15:05.790
And also, how are we gonna separate out our nervous system from our kids?
00:15:06.030 --> 00:15:11.710
Because they can be having one experience in the exact same place, and we can be having a very different one.
00:15:11.950 --> 00:15:18.030
Whereas when you are given this box of responsibility, it it isn't that simple.
00:15:18.270 --> 00:15:23.710
Because now, if they're in a bad mood, you have been conditioned, trained, programmed, right?
00:15:23.790 --> 00:15:28.910
Like a computer programming, that if this thing happens, it's your responsibility to fix it.
00:15:29.070 --> 00:15:31.389
And quite likely it's your fault, right?
00:15:31.550 --> 00:15:38.190
So you're carrying that, and then that's the operating system that you begin operating from, right?
00:15:38.590 --> 00:15:40.430
We we we want to shut that down.
00:15:40.590 --> 00:15:51.230
And even we might be mad because I've done this whole, you know, I've cooked this lovely dinner, I've taken you on holidays, and now I'm annoyed that you're not enjoying it because you've been trained that it's your responsibility for how they feel.
00:15:52.030 --> 00:16:00.110
And so I'm wondering for you, what would it be like to look at this responsibility in that box and go, hmm, is this my responsibility?
00:16:00.910 --> 00:16:04.270
And if it's not, whose responsibility is it?
00:16:05.710 --> 00:16:10.830
And just like your parents, it was their responsibility for their happiness.
00:16:11.150 --> 00:16:15.310
It also is your kids' responsibility for their happiness.
00:16:15.470 --> 00:16:22.350
And again, this doesn't mean we're gonna tip out the whole box and not care about anything and that it none of it is their responsibility because it is.
00:16:22.590 --> 00:16:29.790
Let's take, for example, when they're at school, my responsibility is to have the structure and safety in place, right?
00:16:29.950 --> 00:16:32.910
Let's think about terms of nourishment.
00:16:33.070 --> 00:16:40.270
And nourishment is everything from yes, food, but also care and interest and empathy.
00:16:40.509 --> 00:16:40.830
Yeah.
00:16:40.990 --> 00:16:45.790
Caring that you go to bed and get a good night's sleep, caring how you get up in the morning.
00:16:46.030 --> 00:16:51.870
And when I'm talking about this, I think a lot of people it can be jarring going, well, that's what the narcissistic parent says.
00:16:52.030 --> 00:16:55.950
Like I put food on the table, a roof over your head, and clothes on your back, and I did my job.
00:16:56.190 --> 00:16:59.150
I am talking about much, much, much more than that.
00:16:59.310 --> 00:17:09.309
But I'm also talking about that having limits so that your kid gets to exist and have their feelings in their own right, and that you don't have the responsibility for that.
00:17:09.549 --> 00:17:17.710
So if we look at over here to the left, and let's say that the narcissistic parent doesn't care about their child's emotions and feelings.
00:17:17.869 --> 00:17:19.629
It doesn't exist, right?
00:17:19.789 --> 00:17:20.829
You're invisible.
00:17:20.990 --> 00:17:24.029
And the child just has to be a mirror back to their parent.
00:17:24.109 --> 00:17:25.150
It's all about them.
00:17:25.309 --> 00:17:32.589
And you then, the child, don't get to exist and have your emotions, your feelings be seen or be attuned to.
00:17:33.549 --> 00:17:36.190
What I'm talking about here with you now, right?
00:17:36.430 --> 00:17:40.509
The good enough parent, the healthy enough parent, because there's no such thing as a perfect parent.
00:17:41.069 --> 00:17:47.869
You see your kid, you see your kid struggling, and you have empathy for that struggle, right?
00:17:48.029 --> 00:17:50.910
You see your kid upset and you have empathy for that.
00:17:51.069 --> 00:17:52.029
You are interested.
00:17:52.190 --> 00:18:01.150
You want to listen to them, you want to find out what they're struggling with, you want to hear what ways you can support them or what you need to do.
00:18:02.349 --> 00:18:06.190
But you're not responsible for them being happy, right?
00:18:06.349 --> 00:18:08.190
Because you are not in control of that.
00:18:08.430 --> 00:18:16.589
You are not responsible to fix this for them, but you can help put structures or supports in place to see what's needed.
00:18:16.909 --> 00:18:18.509
And so this is what's completely different.
00:18:18.990 --> 00:18:21.470
This is where you are fully seeing your child.
00:18:21.949 --> 00:18:30.829
This is where you really care for your child, where you have such empathy that you know you are feeling it so much that they are struggling.
00:18:30.909 --> 00:18:32.829
And of course you don't want them to struggle.
00:18:33.549 --> 00:18:36.909
But there's the part of you, the adult, right?
00:18:37.230 --> 00:18:52.349
This wise part, this wise parent part, the opposite of coming from this inner child, this scared child that this is all my responsibility, the wise part that might show up for you when you're talking to another friend, if they're talking to you about their kids, right?
00:18:52.429 --> 00:18:55.629
When you're able to zoom out and see what's actually happening.
00:18:55.869 --> 00:19:05.789
That wise part of you that can recognize that it's important for us to be with our kids in these moments, but not fix it for them.
00:19:06.349 --> 00:19:11.309
And so a lot of us can have uh compassionate empathy, right, where we want to do the thing.
00:19:11.470 --> 00:19:19.629
And that's really helpful that we want to help that if they're struggling with something, like if they need a lift, yes, we want to help them and give them the lift to do the thing.
00:19:19.869 --> 00:19:47.629
But if this is driven from fear that I don't want them to have to wait five or 10 minutes or some for something, or if they are a teenager or a young adult and they haven't planned out their diary accordingly, and now they're telling me the moment that I'm gonna do something, maybe let's say my own car and they want it, and now you're feeling really selfish that if you meet your own need, that you're gonna be like your narcissistic parent, and now that means that you've abandoned your child and your child's gonna feel the same way you're feeling.
00:19:47.869 --> 00:19:50.189
Can you see how these become blurred?
00:19:50.750 --> 00:20:03.789
And so it's really important to be able to separate out that responsibility because when we carry this responsibility with our own kids and we overcompensate and overdo, this is where resentment builds.
00:20:03.949 --> 00:20:05.389
This is where we feel resentment.
00:20:05.549 --> 00:20:14.589
And this is where often the parent, then, the healthy enough parent, can feel after all I've done for you, and then become so scared thinking, oh my God, I just sound like my narcissistic parent.
00:20:14.909 --> 00:20:18.349
One that is completely separate because this is abusive, right?
00:20:18.429 --> 00:20:20.429
The narcissistic parent is abusive.
00:20:20.750 --> 00:20:25.470
For you, I want you to go into that feeling of resentment because it is valid.
00:20:25.710 --> 00:20:28.429
But your feeling of resentment is about you.
00:20:28.909 --> 00:20:33.629
It is showing you the times, okay, where have I done far too much?
00:20:33.789 --> 00:20:34.029
Right?
00:20:34.189 --> 00:20:36.109
Where have I felt overly responsible?
00:20:36.189 --> 00:20:39.230
And what do I need to take out of my box, right?
00:20:39.389 --> 00:20:40.669
What is actually theirs?
00:20:40.829 --> 00:20:42.589
What do I need to put down?
00:20:42.829 --> 00:20:46.109
What have I been carrying so much that I'm so used to it?
00:20:46.349 --> 00:20:52.429
And now feel resentful that when, you know, a row erupts or they won't do something that I asked.
00:20:52.669 --> 00:21:00.669
This is the part that's your responsibility to look through this box and see actually where you might be carrying too much responsibility of theirs.
00:21:00.829 --> 00:21:10.669
And so to make this clearer, I actually printed off the list that I do in the Cam Parent, and I want to read it out to you to be clearer what you are responsible for and also what you're not responsible for.
00:21:10.829 --> 00:21:21.389
So I, as the parent, am responsible for loving my child without condition, protecting them, providing structure, guiding them, holding limits and boundaries.
00:21:21.710 --> 00:21:28.829
I'm responsible for my own reactions and going back to put it right, so apologize and atone when I get it wrong.
00:21:29.069 --> 00:21:34.990
And I am responsible for my young children and to my adult children.
00:21:35.230 --> 00:21:35.549
Okay.
00:21:35.789 --> 00:21:41.470
So for our young children, when we're talking about the decisions that they make, like we make those decisions.
00:21:41.629 --> 00:21:51.710
We have the power to what play dates they go on, what time they go to bed, uh, who they meet or don't meet, what extracurricular activities they have, what school they go to, we decide all these things.
00:21:51.869 --> 00:21:56.189
When they're a baby, you know, we decide their sleep, all of these things, their food.
00:21:56.429 --> 00:21:59.869
We have such responsibility for our young kids.
00:22:00.189 --> 00:22:05.069
But when they're adults, we have responsibility to, with.
00:22:05.549 --> 00:22:09.629
And this is what can be so hard when you've carried that responsibility all your life.
00:22:09.789 --> 00:22:14.589
In fact, if you've done so much for your kids, your kids actually might feel very entitled.
00:22:14.829 --> 00:22:22.589
And they might just expect this and they might treat your home as if it's a hotel because you've showed them that this is your responsibility.
00:22:22.750 --> 00:22:26.429
And so then now, if you don't do it, they're looking at you going, hey, why didn't you do the thing?
00:22:26.589 --> 00:22:28.269
You were supposed to do the thing, right?
00:22:28.349 --> 00:22:30.509
And they might be angry and critical.
00:22:30.829 --> 00:22:37.309
And so this is the part for you acknowledging that and being like, I know I did this thing, but I'm taking that out of my box.
00:22:37.470 --> 00:22:38.750
I should never have done that.
00:22:38.909 --> 00:22:40.750
And this changes now.
00:22:41.230 --> 00:22:41.629
Yeah.
00:22:41.789 --> 00:22:43.069
I'm not going to do that anymore.
00:22:43.230 --> 00:22:45.549
And so when you do that, you might get pushback.
00:22:45.710 --> 00:22:48.669
So let's look at what you're not responsible for.
00:22:48.909 --> 00:22:52.109
I am not responsible for my child's constant happiness.
00:22:52.349 --> 00:22:56.029
I am not responsible for shielding them from failure.
00:22:56.509 --> 00:22:59.309
Failure is a natural part of life.
00:22:59.710 --> 00:23:06.509
And what we want to do is be with them in that failure to comfort them, to support them, to see them, to see them.
00:23:06.909 --> 00:23:08.909
Them in their pain, in their disappointment.
00:23:09.230 --> 00:23:10.829
Of course, you're disappointed.
00:23:11.069 --> 00:23:11.470
Yeah.
00:23:11.629 --> 00:23:16.509
A lot of the language that you might need to use, you might actually need to use for yourself.
00:23:17.149 --> 00:23:22.589
Because in those moments, a lot of the times when our kid is distressed, they actually don't need more words.
00:23:22.990 --> 00:23:23.309
Yeah.
00:23:23.389 --> 00:23:27.389
And when we're reassuring them, we might actually be reassuring ourselves.
00:23:27.869 --> 00:23:32.189
So what it what is it like for you, for your own inner voice, right?
00:23:32.349 --> 00:23:36.669
Your own inner reparenting to say to you that this is okay.
00:23:36.829 --> 00:23:38.509
This is okay that they're upset.
00:23:38.669 --> 00:23:40.750
This is okay that they're disappointed.
00:23:41.230 --> 00:23:43.230
And you get to be with them in that.
00:23:43.389 --> 00:23:45.869
This is not your responsibility to fix it.
00:23:46.669 --> 00:23:52.990
As I say that, all these examples that I'm given, I'm not using any examples around safety, right?
00:23:53.149 --> 00:23:58.909
So if your kid has been bullied, that is a time where we do interject as parents.
00:23:59.149 --> 00:23:59.470
Okay.
00:23:59.710 --> 00:24:03.629
I'm talking about the everyday struggles and disappointments that they have.
00:24:03.869 --> 00:24:05.949
That this is not a responsibility.
00:24:06.109 --> 00:24:09.470
I'm also not responsible for every choice they make.
00:24:10.029 --> 00:24:19.389
An example of that, I'm thinking of like when my kids, and they still have a like when they're young, I'm thinking of uh one of my kids in particular, and they really struggle with when it's their birthday, right?
00:24:19.470 --> 00:24:24.349
They get a wee party and they get um to do something and take, you know, some friends with them.
00:24:24.589 --> 00:24:27.949
And they really struggle with what will I do for the next party?
00:24:28.109 --> 00:24:29.230
What where are we gonna go?
00:24:29.389 --> 00:24:29.869
What could I do?
00:24:29.949 --> 00:24:31.470
And will I do this or will I do this?
00:24:31.629 --> 00:24:31.869
Right.
00:24:31.949 --> 00:24:33.230
And for them, this is huge.
00:24:33.309 --> 00:24:33.949
And it is.
00:24:34.109 --> 00:24:35.710
It this is so relative to their life.
00:24:35.869 --> 00:24:37.389
This is such a battle for them.
00:24:37.629 --> 00:24:39.710
They really, really struggle with this.
00:24:39.869 --> 00:24:40.669
What will I do?
00:24:40.829 --> 00:24:44.189
And their fears are that they don't want to make a mistake.
00:24:44.269 --> 00:24:47.549
They want to pick like the best thing and they don't want to be disappointed.
00:24:47.710 --> 00:24:51.710
They don't want to pick option B and then be like, oh, I should have picked option A.
00:24:51.789 --> 00:24:54.109
So they're looking to me, going, what should I pick?
00:24:54.269 --> 00:24:58.349
And I honestly am sitting with them going, I know this is a tough one, isn't it?
00:24:58.509 --> 00:25:00.509
Like they're two such good ideas.
00:25:00.750 --> 00:25:01.069
Yeah.
00:25:01.149 --> 00:25:02.189
And they're like, yeah, it is.
00:25:02.269 --> 00:25:03.629
Will you just pick?
00:25:03.949 --> 00:25:04.349
Right?
00:25:04.509 --> 00:25:07.149
And I'm like, no, no, this is not my party.
00:25:07.230 --> 00:25:07.789
This is up to you.
00:25:07.869 --> 00:25:08.829
And I know it's hard.
00:25:08.990 --> 00:25:09.309
Yeah.
00:25:09.389 --> 00:25:10.189
So keep talking to me.
00:25:10.349 --> 00:25:11.869
Tell me, tell me what you think.
00:25:12.509 --> 00:25:18.109
I don't even consider the idea that I am responsible for them picking it.
00:25:18.429 --> 00:25:19.069
Right.
00:25:19.389 --> 00:25:22.509
So this went on, this went on for days.
00:25:22.669 --> 00:25:27.389
Um, and what I did was going, okay, let's write down all the ideas we have, right?
00:25:27.470 --> 00:25:28.909
Because it was things that I was suggesting.
00:25:28.990 --> 00:25:29.949
You know, what about doing this?
00:25:30.029 --> 00:25:30.429
What about that?
00:25:30.589 --> 00:25:32.589
No, no, that's boring, no, that's no good, right?
00:25:32.669 --> 00:25:39.629
So I was saying, okay, let's write down all the ideas and let's cross off the ones that are definite no's and then leave the ones that are maybes, right?
00:25:39.789 --> 00:25:45.710
So this is a way that I can support them, that I can help them and we can look and see these things.
00:25:46.029 --> 00:25:48.429
This also gets to have limits.
00:25:48.909 --> 00:26:00.509
So if my child is coming in and wants to do this right now, if I'm in the middle of doing something and cooking dinner or tending to another child or folding the clothes or even having a cup of tea, that is up to me.
00:26:00.669 --> 00:26:04.269
I can hold that limit and say, okay, we're going to talk about this in an hour, right?
00:26:04.349 --> 00:26:09.309
Or this evening, later on, you know, when the other kids go to bed or when I have time, we'll talk about this.
00:26:09.549 --> 00:26:11.470
This is where you get to exist as well.
00:26:11.549 --> 00:26:19.230
So when I'm talking about responsibility, this does not mean that this has to dominate your world, your thoughts, your life.
00:26:19.470 --> 00:26:21.470
Because this isn't your birthday.
00:26:21.710 --> 00:26:25.230
This is them and their struggle trying to figure this out.
00:26:25.549 --> 00:26:30.429
So that's a really good example of how I can be with my child and not fix it.
00:26:30.669 --> 00:26:33.789
And when they're really struggling, I don't know what to do, right?
00:26:33.949 --> 00:26:39.549
Because they don't want to be left with a disappointment if they get it wrong, and I'm doing wrong in inverted commas because there is no wrong.
00:26:39.789 --> 00:26:46.990
Whereas the knowing that I have as the adult is that even if they get this wrong in inverted commas, right?
00:26:47.069 --> 00:26:52.669
If they pick this whatever party they want and that turns out to be shit, and they're like, oh my god, I should have gone to the other one.
00:26:52.990 --> 00:26:53.309
Okay.
00:26:54.349 --> 00:26:56.429
Now we have information for the next time.
00:26:56.669 --> 00:27:00.189
Now we know not to do that one, that you don't want to do that one.
00:27:00.429 --> 00:27:01.710
That's okay.
00:27:02.109 --> 00:27:03.869
And they get to be disappointed.
00:27:04.029 --> 00:27:07.389
And we even get to imagine what it might have been like doing the other thing.
00:27:07.710 --> 00:27:08.349
Yeah.
00:27:08.589 --> 00:27:10.909
That's valid, but I don't have to fix it.
00:27:11.149 --> 00:27:22.269
Whereas if I'm scared of their emotion that they're going to be devastated and they're going to rule the roost at home and it's just going to be awful and it's going to be a nightmare, I'm going to operate from that fear.
00:27:22.349 --> 00:27:26.750
And now I might go over and above to make sure like this birthday is perfect.
00:27:26.990 --> 00:27:27.549
Right.
00:27:27.789 --> 00:27:31.069
So see all the responsibility that I'm carrying for their happiness.
00:27:31.230 --> 00:27:32.269
That's not airs.
00:27:32.429 --> 00:27:35.549
So I want you again to look through this box and see what it's like.
00:27:35.710 --> 00:27:38.189
See even what you're noticing for you as I'm talking about this.
00:27:38.349 --> 00:27:39.470
Does this resonate with you?
00:27:39.629 --> 00:27:40.750
Does this make sense to you?
00:27:40.909 --> 00:27:42.349
Are you struggling with this?
00:27:42.589 --> 00:27:45.069
Going, no, no, I would still have to fix it.
00:27:45.230 --> 00:27:46.909
It would be too uncomfortable for me.
00:27:47.069 --> 00:27:49.149
So if that's the case, just notice that.
00:27:49.389 --> 00:27:55.470
And look at again where this was coming from at the beginning, going, do you feel responsible for every failure they make?
00:27:56.109 --> 00:28:00.750
And even is this a failure, or is this just more information that we have now?
00:28:01.230 --> 00:28:10.189
In terms of what you're not responsible for, whether they like the rule, whether they like the limit that you set, you're not responsible for that.
00:28:10.429 --> 00:28:10.750
Yeah.
00:28:10.909 --> 00:28:12.029
They don't have to like it.
00:28:12.189 --> 00:28:15.309
This is where it comes that we can overexplain and do too much.
00:28:15.710 --> 00:28:17.710
Like they don't have to like it.
00:28:18.349 --> 00:28:24.589
But you have to trust yourself on the limit that you set and be clear in how you communicate this.
00:28:25.869 --> 00:28:29.069
I am not responsible for everyone else's feelings.
00:28:30.990 --> 00:28:36.509
You, as the parent, are also not responsible for everybody else's feelings within the house.
00:28:36.750 --> 00:28:37.149
Yeah.
00:28:37.470 --> 00:28:53.149
When we think back to your parents, if they put that responsibility on you and then they put this in your box, and now you are responsible for how your mother feels about your sibling, how she feels about her husband, how your father might feel about this person and everything that's happening.
00:28:53.389 --> 00:28:58.990
What you then are trained to do, because this is your responsibility, is to be the go-between.
00:28:59.230 --> 00:29:00.909
I have to fix this now, right?
00:29:01.069 --> 00:29:07.629
What you don't realize as a child is that you're being manipulated and that you are now doing your narcissistic parents' bidding for you.
00:29:07.789 --> 00:29:12.589
So you are going now to your sibling going, you know, ma'am was mad about this thing, and will you just do this?
00:29:12.669 --> 00:29:14.189
Why don't you do X, Y, or Z?
00:29:14.269 --> 00:29:16.429
Will you just do this thing to make her happy?
00:29:16.589 --> 00:29:16.829
Right?
00:29:16.909 --> 00:29:20.109
Because you've been trained that that's your responsibility to make her happy.
00:29:20.269 --> 00:29:22.109
That was never your responsibility.
00:29:22.269 --> 00:29:26.429
That was always hers, and that was her manipulation, putting that on you.
00:29:26.829 --> 00:29:27.149
Okay.
00:29:27.949 --> 00:29:34.349
So here, when your child is coming to you, that they are mad with their sibling, right?
00:29:34.509 --> 00:29:45.869
My sibling, you know, when I think of teenagers, they took my top, she took my makeup, the younger ones, she took my toy, or the older ones, you know, I rang them and they're not answering, blah, blah, blah.
00:29:46.189 --> 00:29:52.189
Often, if you've been trained with this responsibility, you might want to jump in and fix it because that has been your role.
00:29:52.349 --> 00:29:53.710
You have been conditioned to do this.
00:29:53.869 --> 00:30:00.029
You might go to whichever sibling it is and now try to intervene and be the go-between.
00:30:00.669 --> 00:30:03.069
But is that your responsibility?
00:30:03.869 --> 00:30:19.309
And I wonder what it would be like to piece this out and tease this out, and what it would be like if you were to support your child in them being able to articulate or become aware of what they might need in this moment.
00:30:19.549 --> 00:30:23.789
So this is going to greatly depend on the age of the child, right?
00:30:23.949 --> 00:30:32.990
If this is a little toddler and somebody's after taking the toy off them and they're really upset, this is in no way, I'm not talking about them right there and then, right?
00:30:33.149 --> 00:30:36.189
I don't like when parents are like, use your words, right?
00:30:36.349 --> 00:30:37.869
Calm down and just use your words.
00:30:37.949 --> 00:30:40.109
No, because they're really upset in the moment.
00:30:40.829 --> 00:30:46.669
I am talking about when your child is a little bit older or even after the fact of that thing happening, right?
00:30:46.750 --> 00:30:56.909
If your child is able to talk, that what I mean is if they're four and five and they're able to use language and are able to structure sentences, that we might intervene in that moment.
00:30:57.069 --> 00:31:05.470
But then afterwards, you know, the next day, we might talk to them about what they could do the next time if their sibling takes something, like what might need to happen.
00:31:05.789 --> 00:31:15.789
We also need to be very aware that just because we say, okay, well, maybe come and get mommy the next time or, you know, don't grab it back off them, whatever the thing we're trying to say, it's going to happen again.
00:31:15.869 --> 00:31:17.949
We're going to have realistic expectations.
00:31:18.269 --> 00:31:24.269
But I'm really thinking when our kids are a bit older, eight, nine, fifteen, sixteen, twenty-eight, twenty nine.
00:31:24.509 --> 00:31:45.069
And if they're talking to you about their other sibling, what if in this is that your responsibility is to be the container, to be able to hold what they're saying, recognize their pain, offer them any feedback if it's relevant, but ultimately ask them what do they need to do to rectify this?
00:31:45.789 --> 00:31:48.829
You know, what what do they want help with?
00:31:49.309 --> 00:31:49.949
Yeah.
00:31:50.269 --> 00:31:56.669
This is where we can actually silence them and we can jump in with again what we were trained to carry.
00:31:57.149 --> 00:32:00.589
But this was never your responsibility to be the go-between.
00:32:00.750 --> 00:32:16.269
That is manipulation and puts such uh an unfair responsibility on you that then you don't get to have the relationship with, let's say, your sibling or your other parent, because you have been manipulated to do their bidding.
00:32:16.509 --> 00:32:19.629
And so you're denied those relationships.
00:32:19.789 --> 00:32:25.710
If you feel that responsibility, you might think that you're doing the good thing thing by trying to fix everything.
00:32:25.949 --> 00:32:26.269
Yeah.
00:32:26.429 --> 00:32:30.750
I see this a lot with the parent, with the other parent, right?
00:32:30.829 --> 00:32:35.949
So let's say for you now, if you recognize this and one of your kids might be angry with the other parent, right?
00:32:36.029 --> 00:32:37.789
Let's just say if it's their dad.
00:32:38.189 --> 00:32:46.269
And the parent has such fear and they want to reassure, you know, and to not have their child feeling what they're feeling.
00:32:46.589 --> 00:32:48.909
Whereas what if their feelings are valid?
00:32:49.470 --> 00:32:53.710
And what if I'm a safe person that you get to complain about your dad to me?
00:32:53.949 --> 00:32:56.509
And this is not about triangulation or colluding.
00:32:56.669 --> 00:33:03.309
And also in that, what I'm gonna help you do is, you know, we need to, how can you say this to dad and let him know?
00:33:03.789 --> 00:33:04.189
Yeah.
00:33:04.349 --> 00:33:07.069
So we're gonna be there to provide the support.
00:33:07.309 --> 00:33:08.750
So again, I want to say that again.
00:33:08.909 --> 00:33:12.349
This is not about tipping everything out of the box and doing nothing.
00:33:12.669 --> 00:33:19.549
This is about being with, but not being driven by that urgency and that fear that I have to fix and rescue.
00:33:19.710 --> 00:33:23.309
So I want them to invite you to do one thing this week, right?
00:33:23.869 --> 00:33:27.710
What are you carrying in your box that is not your responsibility?
00:33:27.869 --> 00:33:35.549
And I want you to slow this down because the urgency is going to be to either keep everything or fix everything.
00:33:35.789 --> 00:33:41.069
And so I want you to recognize what that is and then not rush to fix it.
00:33:41.309 --> 00:33:51.069
And I want you to expect the feelings of responsibility to come up in that urgency, that need to do, explain, do more.
00:33:51.230 --> 00:33:52.829
And I don't want to set you up for failure.
00:33:52.990 --> 00:34:09.710
So I want you to expect the feeling of guilt and even the feeling of shame, because you have been conditioned with this box of responsibility that if you don't do this, right, you're gonna be guilt-tripped, pulled on your heartstrings, and being made feel like you're a bad son or daughter that you didn't do X, Y, or Z.
00:34:10.190 --> 00:34:12.030
And so that conditioning is gonna come up.
00:34:12.190 --> 00:34:16.349
When you identify this one thing that you are carrying that is not your responsibility.
00:34:16.510 --> 00:34:17.710
So whose job is this?
00:34:17.869 --> 00:34:18.829
That's another way to ask this.
00:34:18.990 --> 00:34:19.949
Whose job is this?
00:34:20.110 --> 00:34:21.789
Whose is this to hold?
00:34:22.349 --> 00:34:29.710
And when you identify that, when this is playing out in real time, expect the guilt, expect the shame.
00:34:29.869 --> 00:34:34.110
But I'm asking you not to act on that in the moment.
00:34:34.269 --> 00:34:41.230
I'm asking you to try and tolerate that and again to begin to identify, okay, where is this coming from?
00:34:41.710 --> 00:34:43.949
And to be able to separate the two out.
00:34:44.110 --> 00:34:46.110
And with that, I'm actually gonna do an episode.
00:34:46.190 --> 00:34:50.590
The next episode is gonna be about guilt and shame because guilt is not a bad thing.
00:34:50.909 --> 00:34:57.550
But you have been guilted and shamed that if you didn't meet their needs, and so this is what can show up with our kids.
00:34:57.710 --> 00:35:00.510
So the next episode, I'm gonna do an episode on that.
00:35:00.750 --> 00:35:09.150
But I also want to ask you then, in terms of this box that you're carrying, where can you be supported?
00:35:10.110 --> 00:35:12.510
Where can you lean on somebody?
00:35:12.750 --> 00:35:15.630
Where can somebody take something from you?
00:35:15.789 --> 00:35:18.269
And how difficult is that as I say that?
00:35:18.509 --> 00:35:25.710
And also, what would it be like to allow somebody to carry something for you and for you to not have to earn it first?
00:35:26.509 --> 00:35:28.989
For you to be deserving of this support.
00:35:29.150 --> 00:35:34.190
And that support can be anything from time to share or vent.
00:35:34.429 --> 00:35:40.029
That can be support in terms of like practical help for something that you are allowed to ask for it.
00:35:40.269 --> 00:35:42.750
That again might be in your relationship with your partner.
00:35:42.909 --> 00:35:50.670
What are you carrying with them that is actually their responsibility, even if they don't want to take it in terms of their parenting duties or in the relationship with you?
00:35:50.829 --> 00:35:53.949
Where are you carrying their feelings over something?
00:35:54.750 --> 00:35:58.989
And in that relationship, where can you be supported?
00:35:59.869 --> 00:36:02.190
Okay, because this is about you.
00:36:02.429 --> 00:36:05.949
This is again where you would, this wouldn't have been allowed in childhood.
00:36:06.110 --> 00:36:16.909
And this is what happens when we begin to take small, manageable steps within our own window of tolerance where we can begin to deconstruct those messages we got around responsibility.
00:36:17.150 --> 00:36:19.469
So, yeah, that's what I invite you to do this week.
00:36:19.710 --> 00:36:23.710
Recognize one part where you are carrying something that's not yours.
00:36:23.869 --> 00:36:25.789
Ask yourself, whose job is this?
00:36:26.029 --> 00:36:26.349
Yeah.
00:36:26.509 --> 00:36:27.789
And begin to put it down.
00:36:27.949 --> 00:36:30.110
They don't even have to take the responsibility.
00:36:30.269 --> 00:36:36.429
You just need to know that it's not yours and put that down and tell me what that feels like in your nervous system.
00:36:37.069 --> 00:36:43.949
As well, where is one place that you can be supported without having to earn it first?
00:36:44.349 --> 00:36:45.789
Okay, so that's it for this week.
00:36:45.949 --> 00:36:46.909
Thanks for being with me.
00:36:46.989 --> 00:36:50.509
Um, let me know how it goes, and I will see you again next week.
00:36:50.829 --> 00:36:51.469
Bye.
