Single Parenting With A Plan

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As single parents, people should take pride in the fact that they have to be creative, innovative, resourceful, collaborative.
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If you haven't had to try to negotiate with anybody, your toddler will teach you soon enough.
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And these are all incredible skills, not only that'll help you, it'll help your children, and it'll make you very desirable as an employee.
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For centuries, the phrase shrinking violet was used to diminish women, to suggest we were meant to be small and meek.
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But in nature, violets are anything but weak.
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They're resilient, beautiful, and essential to the ecosystem.
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Hi, I'm Mary Rothwell, licensed therapist, and each week I sit down with women who remind us that being compared to a violet isn't an insult.
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It's a testament to strength, endurance, and the power of taking up space and living by your true nature.
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If you're ready to stop shrinking and start thriving, you're in the right place.
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Hey Violets, welcome to the show.
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I'm a Gen Xer.
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Believe it or not, I had one close friend growing up whose parents divorced.
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One.
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I remember when I learned of it, I didn't even know truly what it meant.
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In my child's mind, it was so far outside of my own realm of possibility, and I had no idea how my friend felt or even what to say to her.
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When I became a high school counselor, I started to recognize how common divorce, single parenting, and blended families were, and I had a ringside seat to the way those issues played out in the lives of students in my care.
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It was rare that I didn't have a parent actively try to mitigate the impact of marital issues on their kids.
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If anything, I knew of many parents who struggled to stay together, quote, for the kids, while those same kids would tell me how it felt for them to be in a living situation impacted by arguing and fighting, or almost worse, the frigid disconnection of a relationship that no longer had any type of intimacy.
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More than once I had a kid express the wish that their parents would just divorce so that the tension wouldn't be a constant state of existence.
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When working with adults who themselves are navigating relationship issues and separation, the guilt and sense of failure for those who are parents are woven into many of their decisions and indeed can create a barrier to the forward momentum of reassembling the pieces of their lives as a single parent and creating a stable foundation for their kids to move forward to.
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According to the Annie E.
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Casey Foundation, 34% of kids in America live in a single parent household.
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80 to 85% of those households, not surprisingly, are led by single moms.
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In the black and African American population, that percentage is 63%, and it is as low as 16% in the case of Asian parents.
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Resources for those navigating life as a single parent seem surprisingly scant, but today's guest is actively working to change that.
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Pat Hankin is the author of The Field Guide for Single Parents.
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She's a business professional and longtime voice in a parenting community of nearly half a million.
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Pat blends lived experience with practical expertise in finance, time management, and support systems to offer clear, actionable advice for solo parents navigating real life challenges.
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Welcome to No Shrinking Violets, Pat.
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Oh, thank you so much.
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It's such a pleasure to be here.
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And great intro.
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I'll take it.
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Thank you.
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Thank you.
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Okay, so knowing that you have listened to some of my episodes, I know that you start by my asking guests to tell me flashbulb moments.
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And those are things that stand out.
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When you look back over your life, it's like, oh, that was a thing that inspired what I do now, or that kind of informed this part of my life.
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So when you think about this what you decided to do when you decided to write this book and this work that you do with parents, do you can you think of moments from your life that maybe inspired you to hit that part of sort of the trail of life?
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Well, the the biggest impact was that I I was a single parent um almost from the get-go, and that um when the pandemic hit was coincided with when my daughter went off to university.
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And my business was winding down, as many pandemic businesses did.
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And for the first time in quarter century, I actually had time to breathe.
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Uh I I loved it, forced an activity, but that kind of doesn't last long for a person who's always been working or and raising a child.
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And I started poking around online and I found this 470,000-person community.
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I said, Oh, that's interesting.
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I've not had any time to look at social media my whole life.
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I'm gonna read this, and it uh defied everything that I had heard about social media.
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I found a community of people that were very authentic.
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Uh it because it's anonymous, people weren't having to put on some kind of curated image.
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There were people in this community, mostly women, because it is, like you said, 80% women, 20% men, all different kinds, families, wherever they were in the country, and for all different reasons.
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There was no one stereotype.
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So you have what we call in research is a representative sample of what's going on here.
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And I thought, well, I kept reading these things, like oh, oh, I know the answer to that.
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Oh, I gotta help.
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I can help, I can do that.
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I'm thinking, but you know, I don't know where to enter into this conversation.
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And so I emailed the mod moderators and I said, Look, I had professional online moderation experience.
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How would you like me to come help you?
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Never heard back from them.
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Not being a shrinking violet, I went and did it anyway.
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And what I did is first I I would police the community to make sure they were adhering to the rules, which is no soliciting and uh no no asking people out on dates, keep the creeps out.
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I would like to happily tell you there were very, very few incidences of of that.
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So that wasn't enough for me to do.
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And then I sort of tiptoed in and started answering questions.
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And two things came to me.
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One is that the feedback was was a hundred percent positive.
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I don't, I don't think I ever got a down vote in the three years I did this.
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It was it was welcome to have information from the other side.
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The other thing was that people didn't have the most basic information out there in terms of money, in terms of managing time, in terms of building a support team.
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And one person wrote, How do I read all this stuff about being a single parent?
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And being the person that I am, acquired data, I went and looked, and I was shocked.
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There was nothing.
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There was some celebrity memoirs, there were people talking about recovering from narcissistic abusive relationships, that was a common theme, but there was nothing that was fact-based and provided generally useful information to people.
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And since I was answering all these questions all the time, anyway, over and over, I decided to put it together along with some research and give people a book that they could use throughout their life.
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So that was my light bulb moment, was that one question.
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No, I think that's great.
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And, you know, practical.
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I'm getting the sense you're a very practical person.
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Yes, that's my nickname, practical pack.
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Okay.
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So here's what we kind of dipped our toe in before we hit record.
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And this is what I want to try to dissect a little bit.
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That when we say single parent, I would guess that everyone listening has a slightly different idea what that means.
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Because we could have a single parent because we have a young girl get pregnant, or we could have a single parent because of divorce, or we could have a single parent because a partner dies.
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I mean, there's so many ways to end up in that situation.
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Some people make the choice to be a single parent, and that may be through adoption, or that may be through a surrogate.
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So there isn't any one sort of profile of a single parent, which I would think would make it a little bit difficult to say, I'm gonna write a book.
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It is, and everybody out there attaches, because I did some some research into what were people, what what adjectives did they attach to single parenting?
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And everyone had a different viewpoint, you know, sad sack woman working a menial job in a motel kind of comes to mind.
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Um, always women, what happens to the guys?
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I mean, sometimes you have co-parenting and they're both maintaining separate households, and the guys get completely underrepresented and ignored in this and this topic.
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Um and so it what it came down to is what common issues does everyone or most people have, because not everybody, there might be very wealthy people that don't have the financial constraints.
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So to write the book, I had to target a particular image in my mind, and that is primarily the middle class people who have had a household, now split the household, they split the finances.
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There's people who became solo parents not knowing what it was really gonna cost financially.
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There are people who become widowed, but there are common themes, and that is a emotional theme that's common is a sense of loss.
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Nobody grows up saying, I'm gonna be a, I want to be a single parent.
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So there's a there's a loss of expectations and lifestyle or whatever.
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And being able to put that aside and work with someone like yourself on that is a good thing, but you also need actionable steps to start shoring yourself up.
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And the two most common things that single parents suffer from is internal vulnerability and external stresses.
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From there is where I I started to organize the book around that using four main topics that I could see in the community, which would be money, time, how to make more when you don't have any.
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That was fun.
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Relationships, that's your support system, the people around you, all the different people in your life, your kids, and and my favorite topic, which was having fun.
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That's not something we would often think about with this.
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So let's let's explore each of them.
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So the first one, which I think is uh opposite of fun, and anybody that's heard my um episodes where I talk to financial people, it's like money stresses me out.
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So let's start with money, because to me that's opposite of the fun part of the book.
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But so I know you've said something like conventional financial advice doesn't really work for single parents.
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What do you mean by that?
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And what do you feel like there's that anyone in any single parenting situation might have in common or might need to know?
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Sorry, the conventional financial advice for single parents doesn't work because it lacks context.
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My my favorite one is well, don't go into debt.
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And as a financial person, you'll be shocked to tell me it's like, I get it, you'll have to go into debt.
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You your lifestyle will have peaks and valleys, you'll have employed years, unemployed years, you'll have kids with high needs, then lesser needs, you'll have a job that requires you to commute a long distance, maybe not.
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To be able to say, don't go into debt, it really hamstrings people when and when they're forced to go borrow money to get through a certain period, it makes them feel terrible.
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And I'm here to kick that to the curb.
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Uh, I've been in financial services for over 40 years.
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And the last uh 10 years, I was there helping financial companies make their language more accessible to people.
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I think they do it to seem impressive.
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The fact is, people, it's all arithmetic.
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There's no high finance here.
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It is add, subtract, multiply, and divide.
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And uh, you know, an example of this will be a second example would be the issue around transportation.
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When everybody will say, no, go buy a good used car for cash.
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Well, if that poor sad used car breaks down, you can't get to work, you can't get your kids to school, you start getting tagged as unreliable, your stress levels start ratcheting up.
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How?
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If you can't afford to buy a car, a new car for cash, look into leasing.
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Now, I'm not talking about a giant SUV or a muscle car.
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I'm saying, you know, your basic transportation.
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And then if you don't have substitute transportation, then you're gonna have to do that if there's not a second car, if you don't live with a transit line or something like that.
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There's where I say go lease a car, and then somebody will say, Well, then you don't build equity in a car.
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Nobody builds equity in a car.
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It is a depreciating asset.
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So look at your budget, step back.
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Here's the context.
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You've got either a repair bill or you've got a car payment.
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Your budget's not gonna change.
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So I will, I'm an iconoclast.
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I can hear every financial advisor in the world who's never really thought more than 10 seconds about this, like scream.
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This is really our world, and we have to live within it, and it'll change in a year, five years, 10 years, wherever.
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So I am I am of the belief, and there's the probably the one that drives me nuts is this latte thing.
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Yeah, you're spending too much money, cut out your coffees.
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I really don't care about your lattes.
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If you gave me your budget, I wouldn't care about your lattes.
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I care about your goals.
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And I care about the big three, which is money, vacations, and education.
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I've had people come tell me that they buy one of those sad use cars, but they're taking their family to Disney World.
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Yeah.
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So those are your choices, but understand your choices and don't let somebody else tell you what works and what doesn't work.
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Well, I think we have an instinct about what we need sometimes.
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And so we may really be trying to do what you say, like, oh, I can't go into debt.
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And so there's that additional stress.
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There's one of those external stressors, right?
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That we're buying into this idea of what we hear somebody say, or we have this fear.
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But what I love that I heard you say is things will change.
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So just because you're here now, it can feel like, oh my God, when is this gonna end?
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But it will end.
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And so I think having that belief that I need to do what I need to do now.
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And I also want to say this isn't licensed to like say woohoo, and pull out the credit card and start, you know, going, oh, she said the Pat, practical Pat said.
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Yes, you know, so I think it's finding that middle ground and trusting your instinct that if there's something that is hugely stressful, and that thing is transportation or worrying that I'm not going to be able to get to work, or there's this loop, or I have bald tires and winter is coming in my state of Pennsylvania.
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You know, those are practical things that I think to trust your own gut and to decide here's what I have to do for some peace of mind.
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Right.
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It's being planful as opposed to looking at your budget as a static item.
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And uh let's talk about the word budget and what that does for people.
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And I've I've interviewed people who have uh tens of millions of dollars in the bank, women who got it out of uh a divorce.
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So and we and I actually talk about one of these, the you know, it's like, well, if I've got money in my checking account, I'm just gonna spend it.
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Shame on me that I had that attitude.
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Well, first of all, I'm not gonna say shame.
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I'm gonna say that was a patidoo between you and whoever was putting the money in there.
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That that's pro that's not an issue.
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Um, but for you, the first thing you can do is write what we call purple sheets.
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And this is a Massachusetts terminology.
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And you write down everything you spent.
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I go to this with my my daughter's a young adult, and I say, okay, let's just write down.
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I don't don't don't show me it, just write it down.
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Here's the categories.
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You I trust, trust me, whatever you write down, I've seen worse.
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And so there's no judgment here.
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And now let's talk about what you're taking home.
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And if you're spending more than you're taking home, then we're gonna move some things around.
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Most people view a budget as an impingement on their personal freedom.
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That's a short trip to the poorhouse.
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This is your agency, these are your decisions, and you have the ability to control it.
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And um, I like the mantra, I can do hard things.
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Yeah.
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You've had some guests on the show who've done some pretty hard things.
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Yes, for sure.
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So speaking of hard things, sometimes hard decisions, this idea of you know, the guilt of when you have children and you want to provide.
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And I mean, we can talk about a situation where maybe there was a divorce, and so now there's quite a different situation financially, and because people don't always pay child support.
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So, but if we're talking about that, and you know, I know from working with teenagers, there is that pressure to have things that other people have or be able to do things.
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So, how does someone navigate when we're talking about financial decisions?
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How do you sort of walk that line of allowing your kid?
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And here where I think we're getting into a little bit of fun, letting your kid have that fun, but also they obviously recognize there's a change that you are stressed about money.
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How do you suggest people might navigate that?
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Well, it's gonna depend on the age of the children, for sure.
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And there's probably another party involved, and you know, it's it's an ongoing dialogue about what's available and what the choices are.
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Yeah, you can have that fancy Xbox or whatever it is, but we're not going out to dinner for the next year.
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You know, so this is this is very hard at any age to understand, but you you can relate it to it.
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You know, I'm lucky I was born before the age of overconsumption.
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Yeah.
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I was born and dealt uh in a middle class family where everything was always tight, and um you know, so I had certain skills.
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I recognized that that's you know, completely got supplanted with, you know, China ink and cheap stuff and overconsumption and the dopamine hits.
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Being mindful of this is half the battle.
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And there are ways to talk about the trade-offs as you go along, and this this conversation never ends, right?
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You're having a conversation with yourself, with your children, and if there's a co-parent involved with them.
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And you know, keeping the emotion out of it and being pretty cold about it, you know, practical pet says is okay.
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You can you can do that.
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And the the biggest example I can put, we talk about the three biggest items in your budget, include vacation.
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And for some reason, this became you gotta take your kids to Disney World.
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Um, Disney was actually one of my clients for many years.
00:20:43.920 --> 00:20:52.000
I had no compunction to ever want to go to Disney World once I had a child, but you know, I understand the siren song of It's a Small World.
00:20:52.480 --> 00:20:57.359
It is 10% of the average family's budget in the year that you go.
00:20:57.440 --> 00:21:00.559
And it's probably even higher now since I've since I've looked.
00:21:01.279 --> 00:21:08.160
And if you ask a 10-year-old what he remembers about going to Disney World when he's seven, I asked one the other day.
00:21:08.319 --> 00:21:11.039
He said he remembered the the pool.
00:21:11.680 --> 00:21:27.279
And if we can pull ourselves back and say, I'm gonna save that giant vacation for when they're really gonna remember it, like when they're teenagers and they parkop, you're saving that on yourself, your kids, because the the memories aren't gonna be there.
00:21:27.440 --> 00:21:27.680
Yeah.
00:21:28.000 --> 00:21:34.960
And it's appealing because you don't have to plan anything and it's stressful, and you know, you they it's contained.
00:21:35.119 --> 00:21:36.720
You stay in the park, it's even better.
00:21:36.799 --> 00:21:38.240
You don't have to rent a car.
00:21:38.720 --> 00:21:41.920
But there are ways in terms of vacation.
00:21:42.000 --> 00:21:45.920
By the time my daughter went to college, we had been to 47 of the 50 states.
00:21:46.160 --> 00:21:54.160
And we did that all on my my greatly reduced salary uh in the days that you know we were in the high need parenting.
00:21:54.400 --> 00:21:59.759
And we started off by camping in our backyard and doing concentric circles, easing out.
00:22:00.319 --> 00:22:08.400
If you're not a person who's used to planning all these things, it's a great way to get your travel chops going is starting with your local parks.
00:22:09.359 --> 00:22:21.359
And kids similar to not remembering what they did at Disney World when they were 10, kids, you know, they don't do well with change.
00:22:21.440 --> 00:22:22.799
And you can talk about this.
00:22:22.880 --> 00:22:26.000
They like routine, they like the sameness, you know, young children.
00:22:26.799 --> 00:22:33.759
Throwing people into big changes, you know, like let's go hike the national parks when you're 15 and we've not done anything else before.
00:22:34.240 --> 00:22:36.160
Probably not a good idea.
00:22:36.640 --> 00:22:47.599
And the idea that you can slowly build those travel muscles, both for yourself and your family, it becomes a uh a growth experience over time.
00:22:47.920 --> 00:22:49.680
Yeah, I think that's a great idea.
00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:55.039
And don't feel that urge that you have to do the thing like Disney.
00:22:55.119 --> 00:23:06.400
And I also love that you talk about choice, that if we do this thing, you want this thing, here's the value of it, and here is what it means for other things that you want.
00:23:06.720 --> 00:23:10.799
Because too often we do want to make our kids' lives comfortable.
00:23:10.960 --> 00:23:17.839
And then when they have to earn their own money, they realize, oh, like I don't have enough to keep doing these things.
00:23:18.000 --> 00:23:24.400
And so, you know, we really do a disservice when we try to make everything smooth and we try to give them everything they want.
00:23:24.559 --> 00:23:27.759
And I agree with you about my childhood.
00:23:27.839 --> 00:23:35.359
It was there wasn't anything like we did one trip of school shopping for clothing at the beginning of the year, that was it.
00:23:35.599 --> 00:23:42.960
And so there wasn't an option to have uncontrolled spending or to see something and be like, oh, I want that thing.
00:23:43.039 --> 00:23:47.440
And in the next five minutes, you have it because you ordered it from Amazon.
00:23:47.599 --> 00:23:51.119
So, you know, I think yeah, there's that's a big difference now.
00:23:51.279 --> 00:23:55.440
So the other thing that is a finite resource is time.
00:23:55.759 --> 00:23:56.720
Ah, my favorite.
00:23:57.119 --> 00:23:57.440
Yeah.
00:23:57.759 --> 00:24:04.880
So when you are truly the single parent and you're doing all the things, how does that work?
00:24:05.039 --> 00:24:10.000
What kind of advice or guidelines do you provide around that topic?
00:24:10.799 --> 00:24:21.359
The first thing I say is um, then we talk about how to create time when you have none, which sounds like a physical metaphysical topic, right?
00:24:21.839 --> 00:24:34.319
Uh, and this is actually gonna go along with what we just talked about in terms of you know trading off your decisions in your budget, is that you're probably doing a lot of things that are low value.
00:24:34.720 --> 00:24:39.519
And you can can you name a particular low value uh activity that you found?
00:24:39.599 --> 00:24:42.319
I just scrolling on my phone as well.
00:24:42.640 --> 00:24:43.599
Yes, for sure.
00:24:43.839 --> 00:24:46.079
Even I get yeah, yeah.
00:24:46.799 --> 00:24:50.000
And going out to eat is another low value activity.
00:24:50.079 --> 00:24:58.000
It takes you know hours to go do something like that, and it's not really the best in terms of nutrition or anything else.
00:24:58.240 --> 00:25:01.759
However, for getting cakeout once a week is probably sanity saving.
00:25:02.559 --> 00:25:07.920
So being able to uh there's a topic where it is just do less.
00:25:08.000 --> 00:25:12.640
Now, before you start laughing, you just gotta stop doing things.
00:25:12.799 --> 00:25:19.279
And you know, in and similar to the wanting to smooth things over for our kids, we all oversurface our kids.
00:25:19.440 --> 00:25:20.799
There's no question about it.
00:25:20.960 --> 00:25:22.799
We're all doing too much from them.
00:25:23.039 --> 00:25:24.400
So bring them in.
00:25:24.559 --> 00:25:27.839
Even a three-year-old can pick up their toy, right?
00:25:28.319 --> 00:25:35.519
Even somebody can put away the remote controls, hang up the towels, and as in, and it's never too late to start this.
00:25:35.839 --> 00:25:43.200
And I've had people talk to me whose kids are young adults, and I've said, well, you know, just stop doing it, see what happens.
00:25:43.839 --> 00:25:47.440
And this relates to my work as a as a management consultant.
00:25:47.519 --> 00:25:56.000
Uh, we'd go in, and big thing was uh right-sizing an organization and trying to cut the fat out and whatever they want to call it at that point.
00:25:56.240 --> 00:25:58.400
Process engineering was the word then.
00:25:58.640 --> 00:26:02.400
But what we would do is we'd track what people spent their time on.
00:26:02.799 --> 00:26:12.880
And I remember one particular one was this this uh department, all they did was issue reports right to management in all these big banks.
00:26:13.279 --> 00:26:18.960
And I said, okay, let's just start cutting out one report at a time and see who screams.
00:26:20.240 --> 00:26:24.319
And after in the end, I think we ended went from like 300 reports to one.
00:26:24.640 --> 00:26:25.119
Wow.
00:26:25.680 --> 00:26:37.839
All those people got to go do something more interesting in the company, but that's we can apply that to our lives, you know, stop doing something and see who screams, or they can do it themselves.
00:26:38.079 --> 00:26:47.119
And there is in the book uh several pages of things that you know are developmentally age appropriate that you can expect your kids to do.
00:26:47.359 --> 00:26:52.799
You can either pick some of these up or not, or you can feel good about the ones you haven't doing already.
00:26:53.519 --> 00:27:01.680
Yeah, one and I can tell you that I've worked with a lot of parents who do these things for their kids because it eases their own guilt.
00:27:01.839 --> 00:27:16.319
This idea that I my mar if if it's a divorce, or if they are maybe a single parent from when their kid was born and they're looking around, seeing all the things they're unable to do compared to other people, and there's this sense of guilt.
00:27:16.480 --> 00:27:19.759
And so to make up for that, they will do all these things.
00:27:20.000 --> 00:27:23.920
And what I try to help them see is you're not helping.
00:27:24.079 --> 00:27:36.799
Like that's what might make you feel good in the short term, but long term, that is actually damaging because there are, you know, to go back to what you said, hard things happen.
00:27:36.880 --> 00:27:39.359
Like we need to do hard things sometimes.
00:27:39.519 --> 00:27:44.400
And if there is that sense of, I have to make up for this, it's like, well, that's your life.
00:27:44.480 --> 00:27:45.839
Like that's what happened.
00:27:46.079 --> 00:28:00.559
And the more you can really be maybe even transparent, if your kids are old enough to have the conversation, like you don't need to hand them all the stressors, but I think for them to recognize that choices have a consequence.
00:28:01.119 --> 00:28:04.319
And here are you always have a choice.
00:28:04.640 --> 00:28:05.920
I think that's empowering.
00:28:06.400 --> 00:28:20.000
It the the what I think the the most recent two groups of parents have gotten wrong is that it's a competition and you have to push your kids as much as possible.
00:28:20.240 --> 00:28:34.000
And I lived in a I raised my daughter in a pretty uh diverse community, it's an in-town neighborhood in Boston, and it had it was a city of 100,000, so it was pretty diverse, and there was a very high income component to it.
00:28:34.240 --> 00:28:39.119
And the the amount of stress is if we don't do this, they're not gonna get to the right schools or this.
00:28:39.519 --> 00:28:47.279
I can tell you, without exception, well, with one exception, all of their kids ended up struggling.
00:28:48.079 --> 00:28:51.279
This was a very profound lesson to look at.
00:28:51.599 --> 00:29:00.000
As single parents, people should take pride in the fact that they have to be creative, innovative, resourceful, collaborative.
00:29:00.400 --> 00:29:05.119
If you haven't had to try to negotiate with anybody, your toddler will teach you soon enough.
00:29:05.359 --> 00:29:11.839
And these are all incredible skills, not only that it'll help you, it'll help your children, it'll make you very desirable as an employee.
00:29:12.480 --> 00:29:18.240
Um, the irony is somebody ever tried, somebody did try and label me a helicopter parent.
00:29:18.319 --> 00:29:22.160
And I thought, you're kidding, when's all this hyper focusing supposed to happen?
00:29:22.640 --> 00:29:27.359
I work a 60-hour week job, I have no support, I'm doing this all myself.
00:29:27.440 --> 00:29:29.039
Let's let's think about that one.
00:29:29.200 --> 00:29:30.559
So go ahead, push back.
00:29:30.640 --> 00:29:32.240
Don't be a shrinking violet.
00:29:33.680 --> 00:29:36.720
There was my daughter's dyslexia as a family gift.
00:29:36.799 --> 00:29:38.400
I'm the only one that didn't have it.
00:29:38.559 --> 00:29:42.880
Uh, so I'm used to being everybody's clipping service for everything in my family.
00:29:43.119 --> 00:29:45.920
And you go in for your IEPs, and I knew my rights.
00:29:46.079 --> 00:29:48.799
By the way, people know your rights when it comes to this stuff.
00:29:48.960 --> 00:29:52.799
One thing that George Bush did right was No Child Left Behind.
00:29:53.039 --> 00:29:54.079
Um, just know it.
00:29:54.160 --> 00:29:57.359
You don't have to have an antagonistic conversation with a teacher.
00:29:57.519 --> 00:30:05.839
They are on your team, they make you feel better, they have eyes on your kid, but they probably don't know as much as you do about certain things.
00:30:06.640 --> 00:30:10.640
Then you bring your knowledge as knowledge base together and you work together.
00:30:10.799 --> 00:30:16.480
And at the by the end of middle school, my daughter was scoring all A's.
00:30:16.799 --> 00:30:25.599
So I want to kick her off the IEP, which would, you know, dyslexics are incredibly inefficient readers, is the big is the big thing.
00:30:25.920 --> 00:30:30.400
And I remember sitting in the meeting and I said, You're kicking her off the IEP.
00:30:30.559 --> 00:30:32.079
I said, Why?
00:30:32.240 --> 00:30:35.279
They said, Well, you know, you can't stack the deck, Pat.
00:30:35.839 --> 00:30:37.519
Uh, what what deck am I stacking?
00:30:37.599 --> 00:30:39.759
You think she outgrew dyslexia?
00:30:42.799 --> 00:30:44.559
Sorry, I was a little sassy.
00:30:46.480 --> 00:30:49.200
I yeah, yeah, we'll we'll keep it, you know.
00:30:49.599 --> 00:30:53.839
The fact is, my daughter didn't want to go to special classes anymore, but I just said, yeah, okay.
00:30:54.079 --> 00:30:55.519
Yeah, that's your choice.
00:30:55.920 --> 00:30:56.160
Yeah.
00:30:56.319 --> 00:31:00.720
So knowing your kid, advocating for your kid, um, and time auditing.
00:31:00.880 --> 00:31:07.680
You know, I think there's thinking about what is important and what, you know, what do you need to do?
00:31:07.920 --> 00:31:12.400
And really, I think if we do look back over our day, we do find those things.
00:31:12.480 --> 00:31:15.519
Now, I'm gonna disagree about the going out to eat because it's one of my favorite things.
00:31:15.680 --> 00:31:20.559
But when you have kids, when you have kids, you're you know, it's also more expensive.
00:31:20.720 --> 00:31:24.160
Typically, you're right, you have to be very careful with nutrients.
00:31:24.480 --> 00:31:28.079
It's it's I don't say cut it out completely.
00:31:28.240 --> 00:31:33.920
I actually talk about ways to cook just twice a day twice a week and solve the whole thing.
00:31:34.079 --> 00:31:40.319
Yeah, um, I'm an active cook, somebody might loathe it, and they'll they'll go out to eat or bring in takeout.
00:31:40.799 --> 00:31:42.640
I cannot stand vacuuming.
00:31:42.960 --> 00:31:44.559
I hire in that job.
00:31:44.960 --> 00:31:45.759
I cannot.
00:31:45.920 --> 00:31:49.759
It is, you know, every I say hire out your worst chore.
00:31:49.839 --> 00:31:52.480
I have no guilt about getting a housekeeper.
00:31:53.119 --> 00:31:54.799
May not be forever, right?
00:31:55.039 --> 00:31:57.119
But this is a lot of work to keep up.
00:31:57.279 --> 00:31:58.720
And it's what your goal is.
00:31:58.880 --> 00:32:01.920
My goal was to have a chaos free home.
00:32:02.000 --> 00:32:03.519
I focused on activities.
00:32:03.759 --> 00:32:05.759
My daughter played hockey.
00:32:06.319 --> 00:32:12.240
I don't know if you're big on that in central Pennsylvania, but it is requires vast amounts of time and money.
00:32:12.400 --> 00:32:14.079
It's it's pretty amazing.
00:32:14.160 --> 00:32:15.039
I think, really?
00:32:15.359 --> 00:32:17.920
There's not an athletic gene anywhere in my family.
00:32:18.000 --> 00:32:19.359
Where'd this come from?
00:32:19.599 --> 00:32:25.759
So, you know, but there's, you know, you kind of go with the flow, things change, they go with it.
00:32:25.920 --> 00:32:32.640
Now, when we talk about time, the people in your life, the most unlikely people in your life, give you time.
00:32:32.960 --> 00:32:35.359
So, yes, let's talk about relationships and people.
00:32:35.440 --> 00:32:42.160
And when you say, what are the what's a support system that has maybe people you wouldn't think of?
00:32:42.240 --> 00:32:43.279
What do you mean by that?
00:32:43.599 --> 00:32:46.160
Uh, my favorite one is the guy.
00:32:46.400 --> 00:32:50.559
I did not park, I did not drive to work frequently because I live in Boston.
00:32:50.640 --> 00:32:57.359
We actually have a public transportation system, and it costs you$60 a day to park in town because we have no land, right?
00:32:57.680 --> 00:33:01.680
But there are parking lots and they they they're they're stacked.
00:33:02.079 --> 00:33:07.279
So you give the guy your car, and then when you come out, you have to wait for him to unstack it and bring it out.
00:33:07.519 --> 00:33:15.680
I would rarely drive into work, but if I did, or I got that call that the your daughter's in the nurse's office.
00:33:18.400 --> 00:33:23.599
And and what I did is I had a very good relationship with the car stacker.
00:33:23.839 --> 00:33:26.799
When I dropped the car off in the morning, I'd slip them a five.
00:33:27.039 --> 00:33:29.839
You can be sure my car was parked front and center.
00:33:29.920 --> 00:33:32.400
So if I had to leave, I was out of there.
00:33:34.480 --> 00:33:36.079
So treat those people well.
00:33:36.240 --> 00:33:38.319
I mean, I I respected the guy's hustle.
00:33:38.400 --> 00:33:41.519
He it was a few bucks, and it made my life much easier.
00:33:41.759 --> 00:33:50.400
Um, babysitters, I used graduate students from one of our universities here in education, and they did homework.
00:33:50.480 --> 00:33:51.759
I don't like doing homework, right?
00:33:51.839 --> 00:33:54.079
I've already done the fifth grade, I don't want to do it again.
00:33:54.319 --> 00:33:59.759
So my daughter is much happier doing homework with her than with me, anyway.
00:34:00.000 --> 00:34:03.440
So these being able to double up on your resources.
00:34:03.599 --> 00:34:07.200
The uh the fellow who delivers your post, he's got eyes out.
00:34:07.359 --> 00:34:09.920
He's he's looking to see what's going on in the neighborhood.
00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:12.320
He'll he'll tell you if he sees something.
00:34:12.639 --> 00:34:18.400
There's the you know, guys in the local storage down in the village, they would keep eyes out.
00:34:18.960 --> 00:34:22.400
Your um nurses and doctors.
00:34:22.559 --> 00:34:25.440
Now they don't have enough time for anything.
00:34:25.760 --> 00:34:30.000
But the nurse hotline is always good to call, right?
00:34:30.239 --> 00:34:34.719
You don't might get have to wait, you know, place a call and wait for a call back.
00:34:35.199 --> 00:34:44.639
But being able to use these these health professionals that aren't, you know, the penultimate, only a doctor can answer this question is a good way to triage your problem.
00:34:44.800 --> 00:34:45.039
Yeah.
00:34:45.760 --> 00:34:47.440
So be creative.
00:34:47.679 --> 00:34:48.159
Exactly.
00:34:48.320 --> 00:34:50.800
Treat people well in your life, they're part of your team.
00:34:50.960 --> 00:34:54.239
You're and I really have to talk about teachers.
00:34:54.480 --> 00:35:00.880
And I don't want to hear that you went in there and insulted a teacher because your kid wasn't performing.
00:35:01.119 --> 00:35:07.440
It's a team effort, and what are you going to get if you make someone feel defensive?
00:35:08.239 --> 00:35:11.679
And you know, some teachers are better than others, there's no question.
00:35:11.840 --> 00:35:18.800
Um, but being able to work collaboratively with them, they're they're waiting for parents to get upset and in the high dungeon with them.
00:35:19.280 --> 00:35:20.880
So it's so common these days.
00:35:21.119 --> 00:35:28.400
Realizing when it might be your issue, there was one woman in the community that had her child in a private school.
00:35:28.559 --> 00:35:37.519
Um, I think it was a religious private school, and she had to go in for a parent-teacher meeting, and she was feeling very nervous about this.
00:35:37.599 --> 00:35:40.320
She was gonna be, she felt she was gonna get blamed.
00:35:40.480 --> 00:35:45.199
And the we went back and forth in the conversation, and it turned out she had gone to this school.
00:35:45.360 --> 00:35:50.880
I like why repeat it, but okay, she didn't have a good experience there.
00:35:51.280 --> 00:35:56.480
And I said, it sounds to me like there's a learning difference at play here.
00:35:57.519 --> 00:36:00.639
And particularly boys where they're more common.
00:36:01.119 --> 00:36:11.920
And maybe you go in and you listen and you take notes, and the chances are if it's a a private school, they don't have the facilities to do any kind of intervention or testing.
00:36:12.320 --> 00:36:23.840
Take the information, go to your public school special ed department, and sit down with them and talk to them about it and see in other words, acquired data.
00:36:24.159 --> 00:36:24.480
Yeah.
00:36:25.440 --> 00:36:36.559
And being able to know, you know, that it is if they're not, they can be a jerk, this teachers or whatever, but they got information for you that you can take or not take is a choice.
00:36:37.920 --> 00:36:53.760
Yeah, and having worked in public school for nearly 20 years, I know that sometimes it's intimidating to go in and talk to a teacher, or if your kid is the one in class that's creating maybe some trouble or they're struggling, there is that embarrassment.
00:36:53.920 --> 00:36:59.440
And so people often would come in with that defense already in place.
00:36:59.599 --> 00:37:09.360
But yes, I can tell you that when you approach saying, hey, here's the situation, first of all, they heard it all before and they probably already figured it out.
00:37:09.519 --> 00:37:09.840
Yeah.
00:37:10.000 --> 00:37:20.880
Um, and so I think you're right going in there with the idea that this is a partnership and you have information, you know, that they may benefit from knowing.
00:37:21.199 --> 00:37:26.159
And if there is something happening, it's gonna help them have a context for it.
00:37:26.480 --> 00:37:29.840
And you need to know really what is happening in that classroom.
00:37:30.000 --> 00:37:31.840
When do these behaviors occur?
00:37:32.000 --> 00:37:35.679
Because sometimes you're gonna be able to have input and help that.
00:37:35.840 --> 00:37:42.079
And sometimes they will be able to observe things for you that will help you understand what the issue is.
00:37:42.239 --> 00:37:52.320
So yeah, I think that the context of that often is that parents feel they failed if their child is struggling, and that's just not the case.
00:37:52.559 --> 00:37:57.679
And you know, you're that teacher is with them for six, six, seven hours a day.
00:37:57.840 --> 00:38:01.039
So yes, they are your advocate, they're your partner.
00:38:01.280 --> 00:38:02.719
They can be, they can be.
00:38:02.880 --> 00:38:15.119
Um what I don't really advocate as a single parent, and this is where we craft something special, is going in with the fact that you're a single parent because of the prejudices and stereotypes attached to it.
00:38:15.360 --> 00:38:16.559
Oh, broken home.
00:38:16.639 --> 00:38:17.599
I still hear that.
00:38:17.760 --> 00:38:19.360
Like broken home.
00:38:19.599 --> 00:38:26.880
It's therefore X, Y, and Z when that might be sidestepping what really is a learning disability, yeah.
00:38:27.360 --> 00:38:30.719
Or, you know, a neurodivergence or something like that.
00:38:30.960 --> 00:38:34.320
So um recognize that this is out there.
00:38:34.559 --> 00:38:41.119
Um and the first, the first objection, the first objective should be to to listen.
00:38:41.920 --> 00:38:45.679
And it's not about you, it's about helping your child.
00:38:45.840 --> 00:38:50.159
And I think if you keep saying that to yourself, take a lot of the stress off of it.
00:38:50.320 --> 00:38:52.079
It's about helping your child.
00:38:52.239 --> 00:38:54.880
There are lots of ways to get help, and it is a process.
00:38:54.960 --> 00:38:57.519
They're not gonna find out tomorrow if they have dyslexia.
00:38:57.679 --> 00:39:02.320
I knew it because three siblings and two parents with it, you know.
00:39:02.400 --> 00:39:07.039
I can I I know what it how it presents, right?
00:39:07.519 --> 00:39:07.760
Yeah.
00:39:08.000 --> 00:39:12.960
So um it's it is a great resource if you take advantage of it.
00:39:13.599 --> 00:39:20.079
Yeah, and and I will say not every teacher is perfect, and not every teacher may always make the best choices.
00:39:20.239 --> 00:39:27.840
Um, but I think, you know, that is the person that can help you to navigate what is happening with education.
00:39:28.159 --> 00:39:40.239
I will tell you a funny story is I went to hear uh one of her kindergarten teacher uh he's now retired and he has a band, and I went to hear him play in, you know, hadn't seen the guy in 20 years.
00:39:40.480 --> 00:39:48.400
And I and I'm sitting in the audience and he sees me and he points at me in the middle of the show, Charlotte's mom.
00:39:49.840 --> 00:39:51.760
So they will remember you.
00:39:53.519 --> 00:39:55.519
Yes, and you hope it's for a good reason.
00:39:55.679 --> 00:39:56.719
Yes, yeah.
00:39:57.039 --> 00:40:01.440
Okay, so let's hit the final topic, which is fun.
00:40:01.599 --> 00:40:07.599
So I know that some of this stuff you're saying, there is a way to sort of build in fun.
00:40:07.760 --> 00:40:21.679
You know, if you're gonna cook, if you're gonna prepare meals ahead of time, which I strongly recommend, you know, teach your child, give them the kid's knife and let the say, you know, can you cut these peppers up or whatever it is?
00:40:21.840 --> 00:40:23.840
And no, it doesn't have to be perfect.
00:40:24.079 --> 00:40:27.679
You know, my mom was always, I'm left-handed and my sister's left-handed.
00:40:27.760 --> 00:40:32.000
My mom wouldn't want us in the kitchen because we did things backwards.
00:40:32.320 --> 00:40:33.920
So that didn't help.
00:40:34.079 --> 00:40:40.800
But I think, you know, being able to get them involved and make it a fun thing so it's not a chore.
00:40:40.960 --> 00:40:43.280
And you're again, you're teaching them a life lesson.
00:40:43.360 --> 00:40:51.039
But how are ways that you suggest to build fun in when people already feel like I don't have the time, I don't have the money, how do I do this?
00:40:51.360 --> 00:40:55.760
Well, luckily, you know, uh necessity is the mother of invention.
00:40:55.840 --> 00:40:58.639
Uh, birthday parties is a perfect example.
00:40:58.880 --> 00:41:03.440
I allocated$100 for a birthday party and I'd invite the whole class.
00:41:04.079 --> 00:41:06.320
And so that was quite a challenge.
00:41:06.480 --> 00:41:07.519
That was our challenge.
00:41:07.760 --> 00:41:11.199
And we'd start, my daughter had a late fall birthday.
00:41:11.280 --> 00:41:16.559
We'd start in the summer and we'd pick the theme and we'd start to source all the materials.
00:41:16.719 --> 00:41:20.719
We had this tiny backyard, and then we moved to the local park.
00:41:20.960 --> 00:41:25.840
It was so creative that she now considers birthdays a national holiday.
00:41:26.239 --> 00:41:28.159
So she still does this.
00:41:28.480 --> 00:41:39.360
And without spending a lot of money, it was, you know, it was a way, and the kids just went crazy, you know, to go to a a corn maze in in the fall.
00:41:39.679 --> 00:41:52.480
And just to this day, they remember those parties versus the where one where somebody rented out a restaurant, which it's kind of nice if you don't have time, but if you don't have the money, there's a a way to do it.
00:41:52.719 --> 00:41:56.079
And uh my daughter still loves event planning.
00:41:56.320 --> 00:41:56.639
Yeah.
00:41:56.880 --> 00:42:00.239
It it's it it can it is something you can do together.
00:42:00.320 --> 00:42:02.800
You can give them sections of the list.
00:42:03.199 --> 00:42:09.760
Um, you you can go online now and go on how to plan a birthday party for a hundred dollars, you know, and you can Pinterest, right?
00:42:10.000 --> 00:42:11.360
You can that all Pinterest.
00:42:11.679 --> 00:42:14.800
I used I did it off the uh those original bulletin boards.
00:42:14.880 --> 00:42:15.519
Remember those?
00:42:16.239 --> 00:42:21.440
You know, and there were a lot of people who had the same challenge of a birthday party and how to afford it.
00:42:21.679 --> 00:42:24.320
And that's a huge thing you can do.
00:42:24.400 --> 00:42:33.840
The the vacation planning, everybody gets a role, everybody invite in other people, other parents, other adults who like your kid.
00:42:33.920 --> 00:42:35.360
I call them friendlies.
00:42:35.599 --> 00:42:38.960
They can they can they want to be involved because it was fun.
00:42:39.519 --> 00:42:52.320
And the uh the big thing we did is I was really busy, everybody's really busy, but I I firmly believe in creating a space and making it inviolate, right?
00:42:52.480 --> 00:43:00.480
I will not spend a lot of time in the beauty parlor or the salon or whatever, but Sundays I would not do work.
00:43:00.719 --> 00:43:03.599
We'd do our chores to reset for the week, right?
00:43:03.840 --> 00:43:08.159
The laundry and whatever else, and then afternoon we'd go out.
00:43:08.719 --> 00:43:16.000
And if it was nice weather, which might happen half the year here in New England, we'd go hiking or walking.
00:43:16.159 --> 00:43:19.280
That's or a picnic or the beach or something like that.
00:43:19.440 --> 00:43:22.000
That is not a lot of money, that is fun.
00:43:22.159 --> 00:43:29.840
Yeah, and you can talk about its mental health impact, and particularly when you have a hyperactive kid, it's really great.
00:43:30.159 --> 00:43:31.360
Get them tired out.
00:43:31.920 --> 00:43:39.360
And this is any age, whether it's teenagers, they can bring their friends or whatever else, bring food, everybody'll love it.
00:43:39.679 --> 00:43:46.880
And if the weather was bad, we'd go to a museum and and you ever hear um of Atlas Obscura?
00:43:47.679 --> 00:43:50.960
This, yeah, all these oddball things you can go visit.
00:43:51.119 --> 00:43:57.360
If you if you if you need a list, you can get it from them and you can start working through it, you know.
00:43:57.599 --> 00:43:59.760
And these are things that will be.
00:44:00.480 --> 00:44:04.079
Far more memorable than sitting around playing Xbox.
00:44:04.800 --> 00:44:12.960
Yeah, so there's a lot of ways you can bond and go and be together and break the trajectory of stress.
00:44:13.280 --> 00:44:19.280
And I also want to say if your kid grumbles initially, don't let that stop you.
00:44:19.519 --> 00:44:19.679
Good.
00:44:20.079 --> 00:44:26.800
You know, because they may secretly be like, oh, this could be fun, but that's not what most other people are doing.
00:44:26.960 --> 00:44:34.239
Most other people are scrolling on their phone, or like you said, Xbox, or doing the thing that everybody else thinks you should be doing.
00:44:34.320 --> 00:44:40.239
And so this is now, especially in this society, it's a little different to do the things you're talking about.
00:44:40.400 --> 00:44:51.119
But I can tell you, like you mentioned, nature, and I just had my first book come out, and it's about nature and how we can use it to, you know, find out the kind of life that will fulfill us.
00:44:51.360 --> 00:44:56.400
And there is nothing like nature to help kids calm down.
00:44:56.639 --> 00:44:58.000
It calms anxiety.
00:44:58.320 --> 00:45:01.920
ADHD, when they're outside, they're just experiencing it.
00:45:02.239 --> 00:45:04.880
And I also just saw an article.
00:45:05.599 --> 00:45:14.400
I didn't read the article, I didn't have time yet, but it was the headline was basically that sitting quietly is one of the best things we can do for our brains.
00:45:14.559 --> 00:45:17.840
Well, kids now never sit quietly because they put your phone there.
00:45:18.159 --> 00:45:20.079
So these are actually all things.
00:45:20.159 --> 00:45:26.639
If it if you feel unsure or like they're gonna hate it, it's like, but you know, you're the parent, do the best thing for your kid.
00:45:26.880 --> 00:45:34.800
And if you, you know, stick with it and sort of just keep going in spite of maybe some grumbles, I think it'll work out.
00:45:34.960 --> 00:45:36.800
So it's absolutely true.
00:45:36.880 --> 00:45:39.440
And we give you lots of ways to do it if you're not used to it.
00:45:39.599 --> 00:45:41.519
We got ways for you to ease into it.
00:45:41.760 --> 00:45:42.079
Yeah.
00:45:42.320 --> 00:45:44.320
So, Pat, tell us again the name of your book.
00:45:44.559 --> 00:45:44.960
Oh, sure.
00:45:45.119 --> 00:45:51.119
The name of the book is The Field Guide for Single Parents: practical tips to gain control of your life.
00:45:51.440 --> 00:45:52.480
It does sound wonderful.
00:45:52.559 --> 00:45:54.400
I love that you call it a field guide.
00:45:55.599 --> 00:45:56.480
Goes with your nature.
00:45:56.639 --> 00:45:59.039
It's in 10% of the libraries at this point.
00:45:59.199 --> 00:46:01.760
It recently hit bestseller status on Amazon.
00:46:01.840 --> 00:46:03.039
You can get it there.
00:46:03.199 --> 00:46:11.360
Um, if you can't or don't want to pay the money to get it on um off of Amazon, ask your library to order it.
00:46:12.320 --> 00:46:15.280
And it's uh should have you should go to the library often.
00:46:15.519 --> 00:46:19.199
They've become more the third spaces in our life these days.
00:46:19.440 --> 00:46:23.199
You can borrow everything, you can even get free passes to museums.
00:46:23.440 --> 00:46:24.719
But I like the idea.
00:46:24.800 --> 00:46:34.079
And if you get it, the book was designed to be written in, has wide margins, textured paper, but um, I don't think the library would want you to do that.
00:46:35.599 --> 00:46:38.639
But you can look by it, see if it's something that's useful to you.
00:46:38.880 --> 00:46:41.840
And not every chapter will work every year.
00:46:42.079 --> 00:46:44.719
It's meant to be dipped in and out of as the need arises.
00:46:44.880 --> 00:46:46.159
It's a reference book.
00:46:46.400 --> 00:46:55.360
Yeah, and I like that that you can, if there's one thing that's top of mind, like if you're really struggling with the money, it's like, well, just focus on that and pull what out of that what you need.
00:46:55.519 --> 00:47:00.800
Or if you sort of got things like pretty good, but you're like, I don't know how to build fun in.
00:47:00.880 --> 00:47:04.079
Like, so I really like that that people can pull out what they need.
00:47:04.239 --> 00:47:06.159
So you also have a website.
00:47:06.480 --> 00:47:11.679
I do, and you can pull down, there's some downloads going up the next set, I think in the next few weeks.
00:47:11.840 --> 00:47:13.840
It's pathankin.com.
00:47:14.000 --> 00:47:14.320
Okay.
00:47:14.559 --> 00:47:17.199
And you can actually email me through there.
00:47:17.280 --> 00:47:18.960
It's a monitored website.
00:47:19.119 --> 00:47:22.159
And if I can't answer you, I'll tell you where to find it.
00:47:22.400 --> 00:47:26.159
The back of the book has 133 notes and citations.
00:47:26.400 --> 00:47:32.639
So if you want to read further on any of these topics, uh, you can you can use that.
00:47:32.880 --> 00:47:39.039
I would think it would go out of date frequently because of the changes in our culture, but it's it's been holding pretty true.
00:47:39.280 --> 00:47:53.199
The the cost of living increases might be out of date at this point, but but you know, it is it's meant to be fun and a message of hope for all the people who are managing this journey.
00:47:53.440 --> 00:47:59.440
And as I said, it's not necessarily just the person in one household, it's both households.
00:47:59.599 --> 00:48:05.760
It's any culture, it's any socioeconomic route that one small thing.
00:48:05.920 --> 00:48:15.519
That's what just take one small thing at a time, abandon perfection, acquire data, give yourself a break, and everybody else too.
00:48:15.840 --> 00:48:16.400
I love that.
00:48:16.960 --> 00:48:19.440
What a great summing up! Thank you so much for being here.
00:48:19.519 --> 00:48:22.639
I'm gonna link your book and your website in my show notes.
00:48:22.800 --> 00:48:24.880
And I I this was a great conversation.
00:48:25.039 --> 00:48:25.679
Thank you so much.
00:48:25.920 --> 00:48:26.800
It is so much fun.
00:48:26.880 --> 00:48:27.360
Thank you.
00:48:27.599 --> 00:48:29.440
And I want to thank everyone for listening.
00:48:29.519 --> 00:48:32.400
I would love to hear your thoughts and comments on this episode.
00:48:32.559 --> 00:48:39.039
You can use the link in the show notes to text me, or you can email me at nsvpodcast at gmail.com.
00:48:39.119 --> 00:48:45.039
And until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant violet that you are.