Maya Coleman PHD - PARENTING BY CONNECTION

In this episode we look at an alternative child psychology approach to parenting and care-giving, than perhaps the one we’re used to from our own childhoods: one based on connection rather than threat based motivations. This episode is a little closer to home than usual, as a few years ago we hit the wall with our eldest boy, who after the birth of our second child when he was 6, became extremely aggressive and uncontrollable. This led us to try Hand in Hand parenting, and we got an improvement of wellbeing and behaviour within just 2 weeks!

We were scheduled to be speaking with the founder, child psychologist Patty Wipfler. Patty sent her apologies as sadly her health had taken a turn, but what a silver lining as Patty sent us Hand in Hand’s program director and Clinical psychologist Dr. Maya Coleman Ph.D. Since 2007 she has been providing trauma treatment for children and support for parents. She spent 3 years at the Children’s National Medical Center giving behavioural and developmental consultancy, and last year joined Hand in Hand as program director.

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00:00 Short intro

13:36 Parent-child mutual connectedness for healthy emotional development

18:50 Learning and healing only possible in a state of safety

19:30 Traumatic experiences block learning both physically and mentally.

27:00 Release of emotion only when connected, emotionally regulated care is present

27:00 Crying is an opportunity to clear and reset their emergency/threat system

31:00 Offloading often happens later when the parent takes back the child

32:40 Children’s fear of care givers themselves

38:25 THE 5 HAND IN HAND PARENTING TOOLS EXPLAINED

39:20 SPECIAL TIME EXPLAINED - building connection

43:45 STAY LISTENING EXPLAINED - holding a regulated space for big emotions

55:00 SETTING LIMITS EXPLAINED - Listen, limit, listen

01:05:00 Regulation and body language, instead of tagging and shaming

01:09:40 PLAY LISTENING EXPLAINED

01:13:45 Laughter as an inbuilt releasing mechanism

01:18:00 LISTENING PARTNERSHIPS EXPLAINED

01:21:00 Parents too get triggered and go off track

01:28:35 You can heal betrayed trust with kids

01:35:30 Memories and a corrective associative adjustment

01:38:15 Heal parenting, heal the world

References:

Attachment theory

Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) Study 

5 Listening tools for parents introduced

Hand in Hand you tube channel

More videos with Patty introducing the tools

Patty Wipfler and Tosha Schore Book “Listen: Five simple tools to meet your Everyday Parenting Challenges”

Listening partnership instructions video

‘The neuroscience of enduring change’ Richard D. Lane and Lynn Nadel

‘Birthing a new world’ parenting blog, Roma Norris