Why Constant Discipline Can Actually Ruin Connection

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Where you put your energy and focus is what grows.
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If you're gonna discuss when they're naughty, you know, when they did something bad and consequences, if you're gonna keep talking about that, you're gonna get more of it.
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I think I understand the concept of bringing joy, but I'd love some real life examples of what that looks like day-to-day.
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Even if you're not naturally really chatty, you can still sit down and play games with them, do puzzles with them.
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What is realistic being alone with two babies 24-7 to stop yelling at him and correct the right way?
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Welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast.
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My name's Lisa Bunnage.
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I'm a parenting coach.
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I'm a mom.
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I'm also a grandmother.
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And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters.
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While I don't have kids, each episode we'll dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions.
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Let's get started.
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Okay, sugar lump, what are we talking about today?
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Today's topic is why constant discipline can actually impact your connection with your children.
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Yes, it can.
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I want to start out because I think that this would be a really helpful episode, hopefully, for parents if they feel like they're caught in that cycle of nagging or over-disciplinary.
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Ooh, that was hard to say.
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Too much discipline.
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Now, do you find that parents get caught in that cycle?
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100%.
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Because I say, you know, connection is always more important than correction.
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Then they say, but if they're rotten all day, how do I ever connect?
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And I say, you got to find those golden moments.
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Sometimes it's like mining for gold.
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You got to dig deep to find those moments of real connection with your kids.
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And then do you find it's like a fear of losing control as the parent?
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Or like why do parents often fall into this?
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Well, there's a couple of reasons.
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One is, yeah, they're they're they're afraid of losing control, but also they're exhausted because all they're ever doing is is correcting because they think that's the way to get what you want.
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It actually isn't.
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You've got to correct, yes, but the connection is far more powerful than the correction.
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But you have to correct.
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But the connection is really what makes leadership work.
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Because, you know, people just ask me about discipline, but really I'm more about connection.
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And then from your perspective, what is the connection like?
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How does that impact this whole scenario?
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Well, because your connection with your children, you're enjoying them, and they they know when you're enjoying them, by the way.
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So when you're playing with them and you're laughing with them and that, it increases their self-esteem.
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And the whole idea behind everything I teach is this when you feel good, you do good.
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When you feel bad, you do bad.
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When your kids feel good, they tend to do good.
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When they feel bad, they tend to do bad.
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I like that because it does feel simplistic, that phrase, but it, if you really dig deep into it, I feel like it applies to adults too.
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Of course it does.
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You know, if you're having a really good day, everything's going your way, you're like, morning, morning, sunshine.
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You're talking to everyone, you know, it's lovely.
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But if you're having a bad day, you're miserable to everybody.
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I mean, not necessarily, but that it, of course, it goes across the board to any age.
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I would say that's that's summer Amy and that's winter Amy.
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Well, or Jim Amy.
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Jim Amy is the same as winter Amy.
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She doesn't like, you don't talk to Amy at the gym.
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She likes to be left alone.
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And winter, pretty much the same thing.
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I become, I like to hibernate.
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She does.
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So yeah, but when you feel good, you do good.
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It makes sense, right?
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You're cheery, you treat people great because you feel great about yourself.
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So that's really that's the power I had when I was uh volunteering with children and teenagers was I'm really good at connecting and making them feel good about themselves.
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And when they feel good, they do good.
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Now wait a minute, they don't just do good, they treat you well too.
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Like if you're the source of them feeling like a million bucks, how are they gonna treat you?
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If someone makes you feel great, how do you treat that person?
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I feel like though, if someone's in the thick of it right now, they probably couldn't even imagine not focusing on the discipline because it's like, well, that has to get done.
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So how do you find that balance?
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You just start small.
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You and your your connection with your children when you're starting this, if you're let's say they're three and above, you're using the free behavior board or you're in one of the courses or whatever.
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So your your consequence for you breaking your rule on the behavior board is the connection.
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It's a forced connection.
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They love it when you do something wrong and you get in trouble.
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They're usually really good when that happens.
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I rarely ever hear of kids acting out while you're following through with your dis with your um consequence, which is usually like play hide and seek with them.
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It's it's something for them with something with them and for them.
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And they love that.
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So that's connection.
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How if someone's listening right now and they're like, okay, how is a consequence of playing with children, how is that making them feel good about themselves?
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Wouldn't that make them feel bad about themselves?
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It just never does.
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Uh they're just so happy that you're playing with it.
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They get it.
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They get it.
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So it just doesn't bother them.
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Uh it's very rare, but I can see why people would think that would bother them.
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The only time, and I've I've said this before many, many times, is kids don't tend to care that your discipline is having to play with them.
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They don't tend to take it as an insult.
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I won't get into all the psychology behind it.
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It's just long-winded and kind of boring.
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But one mom was doing a live and she said to me in the live, she goes, Well, that's not true.
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My kid was offended by it.
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And I said, Well, you're gonna have to elaborate now because I've never heard of that in 20 years of teaching this stuff.
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I've never heard of that.
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And she said, Well, he's very offended that my consequence is a fun thing.
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He thought he thought that she got to play hide and seek when she got in trouble.
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So he thought that that was actually fun for her.
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But yeah, there, you know, okay, the psychology base basically is this they're just focused on themselves and they're getting something out of it.
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That's why.
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You've also talked about this where the consequence doesn't have to be this like horrible negative thing.
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It's simply just doing a good deed.
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Well, now we're talking about the parents' consequences when we talk about the connection.
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When it comes to the kids' consequences, that's different.
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That's the good deed.
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So it's a different thing.
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Plus, they have two consequences.
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Everyone's on the board, okay?
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You all have rules.
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Then if you break a rule, your consequence is playing with them.
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It's something fun for them.
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So that's where the connection is.
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But their consequence is not about connection at all.
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So it let's say they break the rule, then there's they have two consequences.
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The first one is a positive action, or as Amy said, a good deed.
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So it doesn't have to be something horrible.
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It's just do something nice, you know, help out, help or empty the dishwasher, just something quick and easy like that.
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But if they refuse to do it, then you have to resort to the second consequence, which is not a good deed.
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That one is a negative deprivation.
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You're taking something that they love away, not something uh comforting like a teddy bear or something that they love going to bed with, but something like screens.
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It's usually 24-hour media blackout, but if you don't use screens, you just take a favorite toy away for 24 hours.
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But they chose that.
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They chose to break the rule in the first place.
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That was their choice.
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They chose not to do the good deed or the first consequence, which is just a quick chore.
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That now they chose to get the 24-hour media blackout.
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They will eventually put the pieces of that puzzle together.
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Not right away, but they will eventually.
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Okay.
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Do you want to get into the parenting questions?
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Yes, please.
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Okay, the first one here is Paige from Australia.
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I have a two-year-old son.
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You talk a lot about bringing joy into the household, turning everyday things into games, talking lots, and having fun together.
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I'm a bit embarrassed to ask this, but I grew up in a very silent household and often feel like I was an annoyance to my mom.
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So I've realized I was actually very used to not talking much at home.
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I really don't want to recreate that for my own child, and I want our home to feel lively, playful, and connected.
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Could you share some really specific examples of what that looked like in your home?
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So for example, how did you make bedtime into a game?
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Or what would you actually say while or do while getting dressed, eating, driving, doing chores, etc.?
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I think I understand the concept of bringing joy, but I'd love some real life examples of what that looks like day-to-day.
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Well, I might have said that.
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But uh yeah, so let's say they were going to uh we were gonna go somewhere.
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I'd say, okay, as soon as you're ready, we're gonna hop in the car.
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It's more my tone of voice.
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I'm cheery.
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I might be singing.
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If they're sort of lollygagging around, not getting ready.
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I might be singing.
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Okay, off we go, march, right, left, right, you know, so I'm just kind of inspiring them.
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And positivity tends to bring out the best in them, so they're more likely to listen to you.
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And I don't want obedient soldiers here, but I do want them to do the right thing.
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Now, also, she said that uh I want to get back into this.
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She said that she grew up sort of more in a silent house and you don't talk a lot at home.
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You know, you can still do puzzles, you can still play with duplo or blocks or lego or something.
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You don't have to be chatting all the time.
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I never shut up.
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Okay, it's just my style.
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But oh, okay.
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I thought she was gonna say no, mom, you sometimes do.
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Oh, no, sorry, mom.
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She can't say that.
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Okay, so yeah, I'm just I'm very cheery and goofy by nature, but I'm not like that all the time.
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Okay, there's times when I'm not, you know, especially if I'm cleaning.
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Get out of my way.
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I love cleaning.
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So don't get, you know, lift your feet.
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If my kids' feet weren't lifted when I was mopping, I wouldn't have been happy about that.
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And I can say, my goodness, grocery shopping just struck fear in us.
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I hate it.
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I hate cooking and I hate grocery shopping.
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Not because anything bad happened, but mom was just in a rush.
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She was always trying to get in and out of that store as fast as possible.
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And as someone who actually really loves grocery shopping now, yeah.
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Well, now she has to drag me through the store.
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Anyway, uh, so that's a really good thing.
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I'm glad you brought that up.
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There was a time I was not make turning into a game.
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I was not happy when I was grocery shopping.
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It was just a chore I wanted to get done.
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And they say that cleaning is a chore, but to me it's a hobby because I love doing it.
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A chore is something you hate doing.
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And I hated shopping for I hate shopping anyway, but especially for groceries.
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Anyway, so yeah, I wasn't always cheery.
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But anyway, like I said, even if you're not naturally really chatty, you can still sit down and play games with them, do puzzles with them.
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Um, you can read a book, you're talking, but you're just reading a book.
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So there's all sorts of ways.
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And you can look up, just go online and look up fun activities to do with toddlers at home or kids at home.
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Just there's so many more ideas out there than I could ever come up with.
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Um, but I I'm pretty good at coming up with ideas, but yeah, there's a lot more online.
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Could it even be like baking together or cooking?
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Yeah, something that you like doing.
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Bring them in on it.
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You can buy them a little baking kit.
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My mom, she loved cooking and baking and all that stuff.
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She bought me an easy bake oven.
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So I probably, I don't remember, I was really little when I got it, but she probably got sick of me being under her feet in the kitchen all the time.
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And so she got me an easy bake oven, and there was like a her kitchen was a U shape, and I was on the other side of one of the Us in our little uh, what do they call that?
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Like a nook, a sit, you know, a little seating nook.
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And I was in there with my easy bake oven.
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I was so happy.
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She kept handing over dough or or whatever batter that she was working with, and I'd make all my horrible little cakes and pies.
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They were disgusting.
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Anyway, so yeah, so she brought me in on it and she was doing what she loved to do, and she brought me in on it.
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So that's another good way.
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I remember I was sewing and I tried to bring my kids in on sewing, that never worked, neither of them liked it.
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But I remember getting little, like safe little sewing kits for kids with a big fat plastic needle and stuff like that.
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They hated it, they never liked it.
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But I tried to bring them in on it, didn't work.
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I think this might be a really good time to bring up your dad's approach because with him taking you fishing, because he wasn't a big talker from what you described him as.
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Oh, my dad didn't talk much at all.
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He was he died when I was younger.
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I was 14 when he died, and I was 10 when he got sick, cancer.
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Anyway, but when I was growing up, I can remember this.
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He was a very quiet man, he was very humble.
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A very good example.
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Oh, I probably can't tell that story, but if if he had done something special, he would rather someone else take credit for it.
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He hated being in the limelight.
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So anyway, he was a very sweet man.
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Anyway, we used to go canoeing every Sunday morning, and we'd go, like we'd get up at before while it was still dark, we'd put, he'd put this big heavy wooden canoe.
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I think he I was little, like five or something, and he had me help balance one end of it, but I wasn't carrying any weight.
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But he just, I remember he had me hang onto a rope or something, and he said, now hang on to it so it doesn't imbalance.
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I can remember that part of it.
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He put it on top of his truck and he had a little mini Datson truck.
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It was a tiny little thing with a cab on it.
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Anyway, so then we'd go off to the lakes or the um sort of like anyway, it's sort of like little rivers that go through back and forth through farmland kind of thing.
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But it was in the wild, like it wasn't like man-made or anything.
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Anyway, we go and do that.
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Now, this was so cute.
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He didn't say much, but I and I talked nonstop, I always did, and I'd be chatting the whole time.
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And he put me up front, which is what you do in a canoe.
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You always put the weaker one up front, evidently.
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So he put me up front because he's in the back steering and he's also paddling like crazy.
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And he kept telling me how great I was doing because we were going upriver against the current, and he kept telling me, You're doing great.
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Wow, look at you.
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I was so proud of myself.
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Every time I'd turn around, I'd hear a bit of a clunk, and his oar would be across the canoe, but it would be dripping water.
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He'd been working like crazy, trying to keep the canoe straight, and I was doing nothing.
00:12:03.279 --> 00:12:06.000
But he get he told everybody that I did the whole thing.
00:12:06.159 --> 00:12:10.080
I I seriously thought I was the one that was doing all the work.
00:12:10.240 --> 00:12:11.759
That was my dad in a nutshell.
00:12:11.919 --> 00:12:13.440
He made me feel great about myself.
00:12:13.600 --> 00:12:16.559
But in that way, he always made me feel so treasured.
00:12:16.720 --> 00:12:19.039
But I he let me get away with a bit too much, though.
00:12:19.120 --> 00:12:20.320
I want to address this too.
00:12:20.480 --> 00:12:22.799
He let me get away with a way away with too much.
00:12:22.960 --> 00:12:28.559
So if I knew I was gonna ask my dad something like unreal, I knew he'd say yes to everything.
00:12:28.639 --> 00:12:30.799
So then I'd say, fine, okay, fine.
00:12:30.879 --> 00:12:32.480
And then I would wait for him to tell mom.
00:12:32.720 --> 00:12:34.559
I didn't want to get away with stuff with him.
00:12:34.720 --> 00:12:38.639
He finally clued in and he finally started saying, Oh, let's go ask your mom.
00:12:38.799 --> 00:12:44.080
So, but I my mom brought out the best in me, but my dad made me feel like a million bucks.
00:12:44.159 --> 00:12:44.960
It was a nice combo.
00:12:45.039 --> 00:12:45.919
She was more of a leader.
00:12:46.159 --> 00:12:53.279
I just thought that might be like a nice story because you have your own experience where you're more talkative, whereas that's not going to be everyone's way.
00:12:53.360 --> 00:12:58.639
And I want someone to feel like you can still make children feel so treasured, even if you're not as talkative as you.
00:12:58.879 --> 00:13:00.480
Oh, I got another good one he used to do.
00:13:00.639 --> 00:13:02.480
I I'm I barely remember him speaking.
00:13:02.559 --> 00:13:03.519
He was so quiet.
00:13:03.679 --> 00:13:05.679
Um, but it was very evidently funny.
00:13:05.759 --> 00:13:08.960
But anyway, so I was learning how to play the piano.
00:13:09.039 --> 00:13:13.360
My mom was a piano teacher, and he said, I said, Daddy, can I teach you how to play the piano?
00:13:13.519 --> 00:13:17.519
I charged him, like, I don't know what it was, five cents and 10 minutes.
00:13:17.679 --> 00:13:18.559
That was ridiculous.
00:13:18.720 --> 00:13:20.080
And I would just say, No, do this.
00:13:20.159 --> 00:13:22.320
I was so hard on him, and he's trying to do it.
00:13:22.480 --> 00:13:29.120
And then he said, Wow, she's such a great piano teacher, and he was building me up as if I was some great piano teacher.
00:13:29.360 --> 00:13:32.080
What an idiot that I was I thought I was helping him out.
00:13:32.320 --> 00:13:36.159
You have a little fee structure, you're like, lessons are going up in an hour.
00:13:36.399 --> 00:13:43.840
I was charging my dad money basically for playing on the piano and be building me up like I was some fantastic piano player.
00:13:44.080 --> 00:13:44.879
Oh my god.
00:13:45.039 --> 00:13:49.919
And I, you know, I kind of knew that he was playing me and just making me feel good, but it did, it made me feel good.
00:13:50.000 --> 00:13:51.840
But my mom brought out the best in me.
00:13:52.080 --> 00:13:57.200
Okay, so I felt great about my with my dad, but my mom brought out the bet better in me.
00:13:57.440 --> 00:14:00.559
Okay, the next month, two kids, a four-year-old girl and a two-year-old brother.
00:14:00.720 --> 00:14:07.360
They love playing together and do well mostly, but sometimes squabble and one or both gets hurt when with a hit or a bite or a push.
00:14:07.519 --> 00:14:14.080
I usually have my girl do something nice for him if she hurt him, and with him saying, I say no biting or whatever he did, and just remove him for a bit.
00:14:14.320 --> 00:14:18.639
This seems to work great for him, but I'm struggling to find an effective solution for her behavior.
00:14:18.799 --> 00:14:24.480
She's quick to hand over whatever toy to him so that that I say, but it doesn't seem to prevent it from happening next time.
00:14:24.639 --> 00:14:32.159
We don't have screens, and I've tried instead of the negative consequence putting up toys for the day instead, and she doesn't really seem to notice much.
00:14:32.320 --> 00:14:35.120
Also, her dad does punishments like spanking and timeouts.
00:14:35.279 --> 00:14:42.559
These seem to increase aggressive behavior to her brother when my husband is gone, but my husband says it works great or it works and she does what he says.
00:14:42.720 --> 00:14:44.399
How do I deal with the situation?
00:14:44.639 --> 00:14:47.200
Well, how do you deal with your husband without undermining him?
00:14:47.279 --> 00:14:48.559
And that that's a tricky one.
00:14:48.720 --> 00:14:50.159
I can't really address your husband.
00:14:50.240 --> 00:14:55.200
Although if you're spanking and you and uh that just says to me that he's it's fear-based parenting.
00:14:55.279 --> 00:15:00.320
Um, so yeah, it's not a strong way to parent, it's actually a weak way to parent means you've lost it, you've lost control.
00:15:00.639 --> 00:15:03.440
Okay, so now um they're fighting all the time.
00:15:03.519 --> 00:15:04.960
Anyway, the four-year-old.
00:15:05.039 --> 00:15:10.720
I don't like when you said uh you try to get when he's when she's mean to him, you'd want her to do something nice for him.
00:15:10.879 --> 00:15:12.399
I don't do stuff like that at all.
00:15:12.559 --> 00:15:14.240
That's about the punishment fitting the crime.
00:15:14.320 --> 00:15:17.919
It sometimes I will with older kids, but it even then I don't tend to do that much.
00:15:18.080 --> 00:15:19.360
There's not a big lesson in it.
00:15:19.440 --> 00:15:21.919
Don't I don't want to go on about why, but there just isn't.
00:15:22.000 --> 00:15:24.240
Get her to do a chore completely unrelated to him.
00:15:24.399 --> 00:15:25.919
It can often build resentment.
00:15:26.000 --> 00:15:27.200
So she was mean to him.
00:15:27.360 --> 00:15:31.360
Maybe he was getting in her way, maybe he was teasing her, maybe he was pushing her first.
00:15:31.519 --> 00:15:32.960
And then she has to be nice to him.
00:15:33.120 --> 00:15:35.360
It often builds resentment and makes things worse.
00:15:35.600 --> 00:15:36.799
So yeah, I wouldn't do that.
00:15:36.960 --> 00:15:39.120
Keep her consequence completely away from him.
00:15:39.279 --> 00:15:40.799
Just get her to do a simple chore.
00:15:40.879 --> 00:15:43.759
Check out my free behavior board, it explains how to do it, all that.
00:15:43.919 --> 00:15:46.399
If not, then you resort to the negative deprivation.
00:15:46.559 --> 00:15:49.919
Timeout, I can't stand time out, but we're not addressing what your husband's doing.
00:15:50.000 --> 00:15:52.080
You said that you have no power over what he's doing.
00:15:52.240 --> 00:16:00.000
So yeah, I can't help you with what he's doing, but I I completely disagree with timeout, and the spanking is a sign that he's out of control because he doesn't know what he's doing.
00:16:00.159 --> 00:16:02.559
Um, so but don't tell him that because he probably won't like it.
00:16:02.639 --> 00:16:04.559
But anyway, I'm just telling you between us.
00:16:04.720 --> 00:16:09.759
Um, but yeah, so the four-year-old girl, you're probably building resentment, and that's why it's not getting any better.
00:16:10.080 --> 00:16:13.600
Just on this very private podcast that nobody else is listening.
00:16:13.679 --> 00:16:15.600
Um I don't think he's he's probably not listening.
00:16:15.679 --> 00:16:16.320
I would doubt that.
00:16:16.559 --> 00:16:19.360
I do want to note, you said that you really disagree with timeouts.
00:16:19.519 --> 00:16:20.639
You also disagree with spanking.
00:16:20.960 --> 00:16:22.080
Yeah, I disagree with spanking.
00:16:22.159 --> 00:16:22.799
I don't condone it.
00:16:22.879 --> 00:16:23.679
It's like yelling.
00:16:23.840 --> 00:16:30.720
It it might work in the moment, but it means you've lost control and it's not if it's a short-term um solution.
00:16:30.799 --> 00:16:32.799
It's gonna backfire on you for sure.
00:16:32.960 --> 00:16:34.720
Um, but yeah, so it's one of those.
00:16:34.799 --> 00:16:35.679
It might work in the moment.
00:16:35.840 --> 00:16:37.440
Yeah, it might, but it's gonna backfire.
00:16:37.519 --> 00:16:38.320
Good luck with that one.
00:16:38.399 --> 00:16:39.840
Yeah, just means you're out of control.
00:16:39.919 --> 00:16:41.840
No one really wants to hit their kids, okay?
00:16:42.000 --> 00:16:46.240
Um, you know, we all make mistakes sometimes, but it's one of those you want to, it is a mistake, there.
00:16:46.720 --> 00:16:57.120
I think also I want to push back a little bit, just because in the past, I think you've mentioned the idea of maybe a toddler hitting another toddler with a toy, and you give the victim that toy.
00:16:57.279 --> 00:16:58.080
How is that different?
00:16:58.320 --> 00:16:59.600
It's very different because you did it.
00:16:59.840 --> 00:17:00.720
No, it's just different.
00:17:00.879 --> 00:17:01.200
Okay.
00:17:01.360 --> 00:17:03.679
You handed that toddler, you're managing the situation.
00:17:03.759 --> 00:17:04.640
It's about the toy.
00:17:04.720 --> 00:17:07.839
You're not getting them to do it, you're taking it and giving it to them.
00:17:08.000 --> 00:17:08.240
Okay.
00:17:08.400 --> 00:17:10.480
You're asking her to do something nice for him.
00:17:10.640 --> 00:17:12.400
No, you're doing something nice for him.
00:17:12.480 --> 00:17:13.200
That's the big difference.
00:17:13.359 --> 00:17:14.400
And then what's the other difference?
00:17:14.559 --> 00:17:16.079
I'd rather her get mad at me than him.
00:17:16.319 --> 00:17:28.000
You've also discussed the idea of like maybe let's say a four or five-year-old is at preschool or school and they hit another child, and you've talked the idea of like giving their favorite toy to that child over the weekend or something.
00:17:28.240 --> 00:17:28.960
How is that different?
00:17:29.200 --> 00:17:30.319
It gets a little bit confusing.
00:17:30.400 --> 00:17:32.079
Um, yeah, that gets a little bit confusing.
00:17:32.160 --> 00:17:33.440
It's usually older kids.
00:17:33.519 --> 00:17:37.359
Um, and what they do is if they've hit someone at school, now this is different because they're not siblings.
00:17:37.440 --> 00:17:40.000
So it's apples and oranges, it's not apples and apples here.
00:17:40.160 --> 00:17:41.440
They're not siblings, okay?
00:17:41.599 --> 00:17:46.079
So if they hit someone else's kid at school, it's at school and it's not their sibling.
00:17:46.240 --> 00:17:48.240
Okay, that's why it's different, by the way.
00:17:48.400 --> 00:17:49.680
Anyway, and they're older, okay.
00:17:49.759 --> 00:17:53.359
Let's say they're in grades, you know, two and three and up and up kind of thing.
00:17:53.599 --> 00:17:57.519
Anyway, so what you do is if you are, I don't like the word bully at all.
00:17:57.599 --> 00:17:58.240
I can't stand it.
00:17:58.319 --> 00:18:07.680
You don't want to label kids, but if they're consistently maybe mean to someone else, and you know, I would say, I'll tell you what, that's the second or third time that the teacher said you've hit that little boy or little girl.
00:18:07.759 --> 00:18:09.119
So I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
00:18:09.279 --> 00:18:16.079
We're gonna take your favorite train set or whatever it is, and we're gonna let them play with it for the weekend and you check with the other parents and all that stuff, right?
00:18:16.240 --> 00:18:19.920
And say, just because if you do something mean to someone, you want to do something nice for them.
00:18:20.000 --> 00:18:21.599
Like I said, it's different with a sibling.
00:18:21.759 --> 00:18:28.160
And then you say, then also what you do is you have the and you drop off the train set or whatever it is, and they're gonna be kicking and screaming.
00:18:28.240 --> 00:18:28.640
That's okay.
00:18:28.720 --> 00:18:30.160
You can do it on your own if you want.
00:18:30.240 --> 00:18:32.720
Don't take your kid with them with you if you don't want to.
00:18:32.880 --> 00:18:34.000
Anyway, drop it off.
00:18:34.079 --> 00:18:35.599
So they haven't got that all weekend.
00:18:35.680 --> 00:18:40.319
And then on Sunday afternoon, you invite that other kid over with the train set and they play together.
00:18:40.480 --> 00:18:43.920
I had a client a couple of years ago and those two little kids became best friends.
00:18:44.240 --> 00:18:45.359
I just wanted to clarify that.
00:18:45.680 --> 00:18:46.880
Yeah, it's just siblings.
00:18:46.960 --> 00:18:49.839
You you don't, it's just different if it's siblings.
00:18:50.079 --> 00:18:52.000
Okay, the next one is Amanda from the United States.
00:18:52.640 --> 00:18:57.039
I also one thing is when they're hitting other kids, it's not usually a resentment thing.
00:18:57.279 --> 00:19:00.400
Um, it is there's usually different reasons for hitting kids at school.
00:19:00.480 --> 00:19:01.839
It's not usually resentment.
00:19:02.000 --> 00:19:03.200
Whereas with siblings, it is.
00:19:03.359 --> 00:19:05.200
Resentment's a different kind of an emotion.
00:19:05.599 --> 00:19:08.960
The two-year-old may very well be tormenting the four-year-old and you don't know it.
00:19:09.039 --> 00:19:12.079
And that's why the four-year-old really hates doing anything nice for the two-year-old.
00:19:12.160 --> 00:19:13.119
You gotta figure out what's going on.
00:19:13.359 --> 00:19:14.559
Got to do some detective work.
00:19:14.720 --> 00:19:16.160
Who's really causing the problems?
00:19:16.319 --> 00:19:18.319
Could be both, might be the two-year-old though.
00:19:18.720 --> 00:19:25.920
And this is why I ask the questions, because I'm not a parent yet, but that did not feel obvious to me until you explained it.
00:19:26.160 --> 00:19:32.640
And the funny thing is, is sometimes people will say to me, Well, you know, you said you said to do it this way, now you're saying to do it that way.
00:19:32.720 --> 00:19:35.119
And I'll say, Well, no, they're nine, they're not five.
00:19:35.359 --> 00:19:39.039
Like, you know, I to me it's completely obvious, but and I get that.
00:19:39.119 --> 00:19:40.480
It's like with anything, you know.
00:19:40.640 --> 00:19:42.079
And then they'll go, but what's the difference?
00:19:42.160 --> 00:19:46.160
And I say, Well, they haven't really formed their personality until they're seven, and blah, blah, blah.
00:19:46.240 --> 00:19:50.640
And then they go, parent, I said, look, just let me, just let me, just go with it.
00:19:50.799 --> 00:19:52.559
But yeah, I know it's like anything.
00:19:52.640 --> 00:19:56.000
You know, once you're kind of have a lot of experience with something, it's obvious to you.
00:19:56.079 --> 00:19:57.279
But that's why I'm teaching it.
00:19:57.440 --> 00:20:01.200
You know, being good at something or being proficient at something doesn't mean you're a good teacher.
00:20:01.359 --> 00:20:03.359
I've had to learn how to teach this.
00:20:03.599 --> 00:20:04.799
So that's very different.
00:20:04.960 --> 00:20:10.400
And my first year of trying to teach this, it was a challenge because I thought people would just understand this.
00:20:10.559 --> 00:20:14.640
I didn't realize that yeah, it's just my own methods I invented, and it's maybe not the norm.
00:20:14.720 --> 00:20:16.480
So it might be a little bit confusing to some people.
00:20:16.799 --> 00:20:25.759
It's like the other day, I mean, this was a while back, but I was I was trying to explain to my mom macros and like the macronutrients and foods and like protein, fat, and carb and all that.
00:20:25.920 --> 00:20:30.720
And I remember there was one point where you go, Is potato a carb?
00:20:31.440 --> 00:20:34.720
Everything you were so confused, you were like, What's a carb?
00:20:35.200 --> 00:20:35.759
What the heck?
00:20:35.920 --> 00:20:36.640
I was so confused.
00:20:36.720 --> 00:20:38.000
I hate talking about all that stuff.
00:20:38.079 --> 00:20:40.400
And she's got her holistic nutritionist degree and everything.
00:20:40.480 --> 00:20:41.359
She's really into all this stuff.
00:20:41.680 --> 00:20:42.480
It's not a degree, it was.
00:20:42.559 --> 00:20:43.759
I just want to clarify.
00:20:43.920 --> 00:20:49.440
But um I did, I went to this school for holistic nutrition, but yeah, it was just the way you were talking about it.
00:20:49.599 --> 00:20:50.960
Well, is a potato a car?
00:20:51.200 --> 00:20:52.640
Like, I was so confused.
00:20:52.799 --> 00:20:55.119
And to her, that would be completely obvious to me.
00:20:55.200 --> 00:20:56.240
I never listened to any of that stuff.
00:20:56.559 --> 00:21:00.640
So I think it's just the you know, it's it's not it's not my lane, okay?
00:21:00.799 --> 00:21:04.880
And and parenting isn't most people's lane because you usually only get one go at it, right?
00:21:04.960 --> 00:21:07.519
It's not like you're parenting for 50 years.
00:21:07.680 --> 00:21:09.119
Um, you only get one go at it.
00:21:09.279 --> 00:21:12.480
You usually don't have a lot of experience before you do it, usually.
00:21:12.640 --> 00:21:15.599
Um, so yeah, it's just it that's my lane.
00:21:15.759 --> 00:21:18.319
Um, but yeah, uh obviously nutrition's not my lane.
00:21:18.400 --> 00:21:19.759
I eat very healthy, don't I?
00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:20.799
Yes, but okay.
00:21:21.359 --> 00:21:23.039
But I don't know what a potato is.
00:21:23.599 --> 00:21:25.279
Don't ask her what a carb is.
00:21:25.440 --> 00:21:26.319
Oh my gosh, no.
00:21:26.480 --> 00:21:28.559
Okay, the next one is Amanda from the United States.
00:21:28.720 --> 00:21:29.119
Wait a minute.
00:21:29.200 --> 00:21:31.519
The fact that you remembered that, that must be really stupid.
00:21:31.680 --> 00:21:34.319
So there must be a lot of people out there going, Are you serious?
00:21:34.400 --> 00:21:38.799
We're taking parenting advice from that moron that doesn't even know that potatoes are a carb.
00:21:39.279 --> 00:21:40.240
Maybe not, though.
00:21:40.400 --> 00:21:41.599
I don't maybe not.
00:21:42.160 --> 00:21:42.640
It's funny.
00:21:42.880 --> 00:21:43.680
I'm okay with that.
00:21:43.759 --> 00:21:44.000
Okay.
00:21:44.240 --> 00:21:44.480
Okay.
00:21:44.640 --> 00:21:46.559
The next one is Amanda from the United States.
00:21:46.720 --> 00:21:52.880
Five year old says after calming down that you don't love me because I'm mean and you give me consequences because you think I'm mean.
00:21:53.039 --> 00:21:56.559
Do I discuss this with her or do I leave it alone as its manipulation note?
00:21:56.799 --> 00:21:59.279
This isn't during her tantrum, this is after.
00:21:59.519 --> 00:21:59.680
Okay.
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:03.039
She says, You don't love me because I'm mean.
00:22:03.359 --> 00:22:04.160
Is that what it was?
00:22:04.319 --> 00:22:06.319
You don't love me because I say, Oh, okay.
00:22:06.480 --> 00:22:08.960
You don't love me because I'm mean, say, we're all right.
00:22:09.200 --> 00:22:10.880
Like, I would just say that, we're all right.
00:22:10.960 --> 00:22:11.839
Do you want to go read a book?
00:22:11.920 --> 00:22:12.559
She's only five.
00:22:12.640 --> 00:22:14.240
I wouldn't get into a discussion about this.
00:22:14.480 --> 00:22:16.880
She's just trying to, she's trying to make you feel guilty.
00:22:17.119 --> 00:22:20.480
It says to me, they only do what works past the age of about three and a half.
00:22:20.640 --> 00:22:21.359
It must work.
00:22:21.440 --> 00:22:22.799
It must make you feel guilty.
00:22:22.960 --> 00:22:24.160
Why would she be saying that?
00:22:24.480 --> 00:22:27.839
Like, there's no I I always think I always think in terms of kids.
00:22:28.000 --> 00:22:29.759
Like, what what's going through her head?
00:22:29.920 --> 00:22:31.519
She's trying to get under your skin.
00:22:31.920 --> 00:22:34.480
She doesn't really think that you don't like her because she's mean.
00:22:34.640 --> 00:22:37.359
She just is trying to get, she knows that that's gonna trigger you.
00:22:37.599 --> 00:22:38.160
That's why.
00:22:38.400 --> 00:22:39.440
That's what that says to me.
00:22:39.519 --> 00:22:41.359
Because she's just said it after she's upset.
00:22:41.519 --> 00:22:45.920
If she says it when you're at Disneyland and everything's wonderful, then I would talk about it.
00:22:46.240 --> 00:22:46.880
Then I would.
00:22:46.960 --> 00:22:52.240
But if she's coming out of a little session where she's been mean and done something rotten, then let it go.
00:22:52.319 --> 00:22:53.680
Just say, yeah, whatever.
00:22:53.759 --> 00:22:54.880
Let's go read a book.
00:22:55.279 --> 00:22:59.119
I think it says at the start here that it's after the calming down has already happened.
00:22:59.359 --> 00:23:02.160
Yeah, but she's just had a set, she's just had a big scene.
00:23:02.319 --> 00:23:02.559
Okay.
00:23:02.880 --> 00:23:04.720
So now she's trying to recover from that.
00:23:04.799 --> 00:23:07.920
She's trying to get some, she's trying to get some just say no big deal.
00:23:08.000 --> 00:23:09.519
You know, treat it like it's no big deal.
00:23:09.680 --> 00:23:10.960
That's what I'm trying to get at.
00:23:11.440 --> 00:23:19.119
But if you're, like I said, if you've had no scene, no session, and now, you know, you're out and you're having fun all day, and then she says it, I'd say, no, I love you.
00:23:19.200 --> 00:23:19.839
You're not mean.
00:23:19.920 --> 00:23:20.720
We all make mistakes.
00:23:20.799 --> 00:23:21.119
That's it.
00:23:21.279 --> 00:23:22.240
Big deal.
00:23:22.640 --> 00:23:23.920
See, I'm I'm making it.
00:23:24.079 --> 00:23:31.920
And people tend to want to do these big, huge mini therapy sessions so that they understand all this stuff and they wanna, you're trying to address all their big feelings and big emotions.
00:23:32.079 --> 00:23:33.440
Yeah, it's just overdone.
00:23:33.519 --> 00:23:34.720
You you do that sometimes.
00:23:34.799 --> 00:23:38.319
There is a time, and especially if there's grieving going on, a grandparent died or something.
00:23:38.480 --> 00:23:41.200
Yeah, of course you're gonna discuss big feelings and big emotions.
00:23:41.359 --> 00:23:44.400
But if it's around bad behavior, I don't tend to do that, okay?
00:23:44.640 --> 00:23:46.880
And unless there's some kind of trauma that's different.
00:23:46.960 --> 00:23:51.200
But just generally, if they're naughty, um, I don't tend to get into all analyzing it all.
00:23:51.279 --> 00:23:52.720
I just deal with it, move on.
00:23:52.880 --> 00:23:59.279
The thing is that when you get good at all the way I discipline, the way I lead children, when you get good at this, they just stop acting out anyway.
00:23:59.359 --> 00:24:01.759
So you don't even have to worry about these mini therapy sessions.
00:24:01.920 --> 00:24:06.240
Also, the main reason I don't discuss all this is where you put your energy in focus, is what grows.
00:24:06.400 --> 00:24:13.759
If you're gonna discuss when they're naughty and you know, when they did something bad and the consequences, if you're gonna keep talking about that, you're gonna get more of it.
00:24:14.000 --> 00:24:14.720
It just grows.
00:24:14.799 --> 00:24:16.240
You're fertilizing it all.
00:24:24.549 --> 00:24:32.710
I think I do also want to clarify though, because I know a lot of people, probably around my age, maybe grew up feeling like they were very much, very much not listened to.
00:24:32.870 --> 00:24:38.470
So they may be hearing you and just going, like, oh, well, that's just like my parents' attitude is they just go, you shouldn't discuss it.
00:24:38.710 --> 00:24:42.150
And I want to make it clear that I felt like I could come to you with anything.
00:24:42.309 --> 00:24:46.230
And if I was having a problem, I very much we did discuss it.
00:24:46.390 --> 00:24:48.309
Oh, we go on for hours, yeah.
00:24:48.470 --> 00:24:51.349
But this isn't after a scene when she's saying, You don't love me.
00:24:51.430 --> 00:24:52.870
I'm you know, that it's different.
00:24:53.029 --> 00:24:55.670
Even though she's calmed down, it's still it's just different.
00:24:55.829 --> 00:24:58.390
But yeah, you definitely were heard for sure.
00:24:58.630 --> 00:24:59.349
So was I.
00:24:59.509 --> 00:25:00.789
I felt very heard.
00:25:00.950 --> 00:25:05.109
Um, so yeah, if you came to me with mom, I'm really upset about something, what would I have done?
00:25:05.349 --> 00:25:08.630
It would have been like, tell me about it and like what can we do?
00:25:08.789 --> 00:25:10.069
Yeah, what are we gonna do about it?
00:25:10.150 --> 00:25:10.950
Come on, tell me.
00:25:11.109 --> 00:25:11.509
And she did.
00:25:11.670 --> 00:25:13.109
She told me, yeah, told me about it.
00:25:13.190 --> 00:25:14.069
Just like I did with my mom.
00:25:14.309 --> 00:25:21.589
I just want to make sure if someone was maybe tuning out a little bit and then they just heard the fact that you don't discuss all these things, that they weren't applying that to every situation.
00:25:21.829 --> 00:25:25.509
There's a time and a place for it, but around bad behavior, no, no, no, no, no.
00:25:25.589 --> 00:25:27.190
I don't put my energy in bad behavior.
00:25:27.269 --> 00:25:29.109
I don't, I don't dwell in it, I don't sit in it.
00:25:29.190 --> 00:25:29.910
That's the low road.
00:25:29.990 --> 00:25:30.630
I don't stay there.
00:25:30.789 --> 00:25:33.109
I keep inviting them up to the high road, okay?
00:25:33.269 --> 00:25:34.390
But big fear, okay.
00:25:34.630 --> 00:25:37.829
Bad behavior is not usually sometimes it is sparked by it.
00:25:37.910 --> 00:25:38.390
That's different.
00:25:38.470 --> 00:25:43.109
When we get into all that in coaching and all that, but it is sometimes sparked by some kind of trauma.
00:25:43.190 --> 00:25:44.470
You gotta figure, you gotta address that.
00:25:44.549 --> 00:25:45.109
That's different.
00:25:45.190 --> 00:25:49.910
But if it's just because they want a toy and another kid had it and they don't want to share, that's the kind of stuff I'm talking about.
00:25:50.069 --> 00:25:51.829
I do not get into the feelings around that.
00:25:51.910 --> 00:25:52.549
I already know it.
00:25:52.630 --> 00:25:53.829
They just don't want to share.
00:25:53.990 --> 00:25:56.230
Okay, so that's the kind of stuff I'm talking about.
00:25:56.390 --> 00:25:58.230
No freaking way would I discuss that.
00:25:58.390 --> 00:25:59.509
I just take action.
00:25:59.670 --> 00:26:01.670
And then I'm always inviting them up to the high road.
00:26:01.829 --> 00:26:03.990
Do you want to go watch after I've handed out the discipline?
00:26:04.150 --> 00:26:08.950
I say, do you want to go watch a something, a show, or do you want to go play a game, or do you want to help me do the dishes?
00:26:09.109 --> 00:26:10.470
I'm trying to connect after that.
00:26:10.630 --> 00:26:14.150
And sometimes kids we used to say when I was working with kids, well, don't you want to talk about it?
00:26:14.230 --> 00:26:15.990
What I did, I say it's already been addressed.
00:26:16.069 --> 00:26:17.349
Well, you know, forget it.
00:26:17.509 --> 00:26:17.990
Forget it.
00:26:18.069 --> 00:26:19.269
I don't dwell in that.
00:26:19.430 --> 00:26:22.950
I'm always trying to bring out the best in them because I that's what I focus on.
00:26:23.029 --> 00:26:24.470
I'm always focusing on the good kid.
00:26:24.549 --> 00:26:27.190
I deal with bad behavior and I focus on the good kid.
00:26:27.430 --> 00:26:29.589
Because remember, if they feel good, they do good.
00:26:29.910 --> 00:26:31.910
The next one is boys are four and six.
00:26:32.069 --> 00:26:36.870
If after school my son tells me something he did at school that's on the board and in a remorseful tone.
00:26:37.029 --> 00:26:44.230
So for example, saying a bad word, name-calling, or not listening to the teacher, am I supposed to follow through with the consequence now that I have knowledge of it?
00:26:44.390 --> 00:26:56.230
My gut is that I'm supposed to because just to be consistent, but I also am nervous that if I implement a consequence when he chooses to open up to me about a broken rule that I was not around for, he may no longer want to tell me things.
00:26:56.390 --> 00:26:57.430
How should I approach this?
00:26:57.509 --> 00:27:03.509
I bring up the tone of voice he uses to show him, to show that he is not making light or fun of the situation.
00:27:03.829 --> 00:27:05.509
Um, let's say you confess to murder.
00:27:05.589 --> 00:27:06.470
Do you still go to jail?
00:27:06.630 --> 00:27:08.150
Yeah, you still gotta have a consequence.
00:27:08.230 --> 00:27:09.430
I might lighten it though.
00:27:09.589 --> 00:27:14.549
I might say, look, I was gonna get you empty the dishwasher, but because you told me, I'll just get you to set the table.
00:27:14.710 --> 00:27:15.269
Something like that.
00:27:15.750 --> 00:27:16.789
I know it's different for murder.
00:27:16.870 --> 00:27:17.990
I know, but you get the point.
00:27:18.230 --> 00:27:20.150
I'll just get you to take out just a single fork.
00:27:20.309 --> 00:27:22.549
Do you know why that can uh work against you?
00:27:22.710 --> 00:27:25.829
Is he'll just start confessing to everything and then he'll never get a consequence.
00:27:25.990 --> 00:27:27.750
So he's gonna end up using that against you.
00:27:27.910 --> 00:27:29.670
Yeah, this still gotta have a consequence.
00:27:29.829 --> 00:27:32.789
And don't go on about him telling you, oh, he's so good for telling me.
00:27:32.870 --> 00:27:34.390
And don't, you know, he should.
00:27:34.549 --> 00:27:36.710
He shouldn't have done it in the first place and he should have told you.
00:27:36.870 --> 00:27:38.710
So just say, Yeah, well, good for you for telling me.
00:27:38.789 --> 00:27:42.870
I'll tell you what, because you told me, you know, I'm gonna I'm gonna lighten the consequence.
00:27:43.029 --> 00:27:43.670
Do it like that.
00:27:43.910 --> 00:27:45.430
See the tone of voice I have.
00:27:45.670 --> 00:27:49.190
No anger, no lecturing, no big deal.
00:27:49.430 --> 00:27:50.710
We all make mistakes.
00:27:51.269 --> 00:27:51.589
Okay.
00:27:52.069 --> 00:27:57.910
And I want to clarify that um, you know, doing something naughty at school is not the same as murdering someone, but you get the idea.
00:27:57.990 --> 00:27:59.750
I was just exaggerating to get my point across.
00:27:59.990 --> 00:28:03.589
You talk in these uh Absolutes, I know big sweeping statements.
00:28:03.829 --> 00:28:04.870
Yes, I do.
00:28:05.109 --> 00:28:09.990
Okay, the next one, they're a widow and currently have a two and a half year old and a nine month old.
00:28:10.150 --> 00:28:12.789
Since my oldest turned one and a half, I started yelling.
00:28:12.950 --> 00:28:16.630
After listening to your podcast, I realize I've been disciplining him and it's not working.
00:28:16.789 --> 00:28:18.710
Currently, I find myself yelling all the time.
00:28:18.870 --> 00:28:20.309
He's very rough with his little brother.
00:28:20.470 --> 00:28:28.230
So, for example, I just changed the baby, stood up to walk less than a foot to throw the dirty diaper away, and my toddler walked over and stomped on his little brother's hand.
00:28:28.390 --> 00:28:32.069
I yelled, knelt him down, said we don't hurt the baby, and told him to say sorry.
00:28:32.230 --> 00:28:37.430
What is realistic being alone with two babies 24-7 to stop yelling at him and correct the right way?
00:28:37.589 --> 00:28:41.430
I can't hold my baby, and even when he's close by, things happen so fast.
00:28:41.750 --> 00:28:45.750
Okay, she said you said to him you don't hurt the baby, and then what did she say?
00:28:46.069 --> 00:28:48.390
We don't hurt the baby, and I told him to say sorry.
00:28:48.549 --> 00:28:49.670
And none of that's gonna work.
00:28:49.829 --> 00:28:51.670
That's all the mini therapy session talk.
00:28:51.829 --> 00:28:57.029
Yeah, he already knows not to hurt the baby, and saying sorry means absolutely squat to him.
00:28:57.109 --> 00:28:58.470
Okay, so that's absolutely useless.
00:28:58.549 --> 00:29:03.430
You're wasting words and you're putting your energy where it shouldn't go, and it's it's watering down what you should be doing.
00:29:03.589 --> 00:29:07.509
You just say no, and then you pick up the baby and console the baby so the baby gets attention.
00:29:07.750 --> 00:29:11.190
You say no, and then you might take a favorite toy or just walk away with the baby.
00:29:11.430 --> 00:29:16.470
You know, you always remove them from the fun or fun from them, and you and the baby might be what that's all that's the discipline.
00:29:16.549 --> 00:29:19.990
You just walk away, just go, you know, you say nope and then you walk away.
00:29:20.069 --> 00:29:22.950
Don't say that wasn't very nice, say you're sorry, all that stuff.
00:29:23.190 --> 00:29:25.589
Absolutely useless, makes you look weak.
00:29:25.910 --> 00:29:26.870
It's terrible.
00:29:27.829 --> 00:29:29.029
He already knows.
00:29:29.509 --> 00:29:30.549
He already knows.
00:29:31.349 --> 00:29:33.829
And by the way, okay, so you're a widow, sorry about that.
00:29:33.910 --> 00:29:34.710
That would be really tough.
00:29:34.789 --> 00:29:36.309
You're on your own with these two little ones.
00:29:36.470 --> 00:29:42.230
And I always say in coaching, my least favorite client is a mom who's, I shouldn't say this all the time, but they know it.
00:29:42.309 --> 00:29:44.710
When they'll hire me, they'll tell me I'm your least favorite client.
00:29:44.870 --> 00:29:48.870
It's when they've got a toddler and a newborn because you are you're tired, you're up all night.
00:29:48.950 --> 00:29:51.029
So you get a nine-month-old, it's a little bit different, hopefully.
00:29:51.109 --> 00:29:55.910
But a newborn, it's because it there's so many things that I just can't tell you to do because you can't do it.
00:29:56.069 --> 00:30:02.150
If you're stuck nursing a baby, like whole breastfeeding a baby, you just can't get up and deal with what a toddler's doing all the time.
00:30:02.309 --> 00:30:05.509
So I feel ineffective sometimes when I'm dealing with that client.
00:30:05.670 --> 00:30:07.990
That's why it's my least favorite, because I like to be effective.
00:30:08.150 --> 00:30:12.870
But yeah, it is just what I'm the reason I'm telling you this is it's just a tough time with these kids.
00:30:12.950 --> 00:30:14.309
It's very physically demanding.
00:30:14.470 --> 00:30:17.589
So yeah, you do get upset, but yelling, oh, you already know it's not gonna help.
00:30:17.670 --> 00:30:21.589
It might stop something in the moment, but he's kind of feeding off that attention too.
00:30:21.750 --> 00:30:24.390
So you say a really quiet no, and then you gotta take action.
00:30:24.549 --> 00:30:31.349
It's physical, it's all physical actions and they because toddlers are all about consistent corrective actions, not words, not words at all.
00:30:31.670 --> 00:30:40.150
If we're circling back to the topic of the episode about that importance of connection, how do you find balancing connection when you have a young baby at the same time?
00:30:40.390 --> 00:30:41.750
Okay, keep the baby nearby.
00:30:41.829 --> 00:30:44.789
So when you're having fun with the toddler, you might be reading a book or something.
00:30:44.950 --> 00:30:47.349
Have the baby there so they associate fun with the baby.
00:30:47.509 --> 00:30:47.829
Okay.
00:30:48.069 --> 00:30:53.029
If you have the baby out of the room while you're playing with the toddler, they're gonna resent the baby coming in and taking over.
00:30:53.190 --> 00:30:56.789
So you want to have the baby right on your hip or whatever, maybe even sleeping.
00:30:56.870 --> 00:30:57.990
Um, and then you're reading.
00:30:58.069 --> 00:31:01.670
So they associate fun with you and the baby's there too.
00:31:02.230 --> 00:31:05.190
There's other lots of other things, but that's the most common one.
00:31:05.430 --> 00:31:06.549
Okay, we have one final question.
00:31:06.630 --> 00:31:10.309
So, Jeanette from the United States, five-year-old twins, boy and girl.
00:31:10.549 --> 00:31:14.470
Having a hard time connecting and having fun with them because they never agree on the same thing to do.
00:31:14.630 --> 00:31:22.069
And if we do find something, it's a fight about who goes first, and then I get frustrated that I don't even want to go, I don't even want to do anything with them anymore.
00:31:22.230 --> 00:31:25.430
I feel like it's ruining our relationship and we're not as close as we used to be.
00:31:25.589 --> 00:31:25.990
P.S.
00:31:26.150 --> 00:31:31.990
I just found you and really love your approach approach to parenting, and I wish I found you five years ago.
00:31:32.230 --> 00:31:33.589
That's a really easy answer.
00:31:33.670 --> 00:31:41.269
Um, what you do is you have um a hat full of, you have two hats, two jars, and you have them each write down what they want to do.
00:31:41.430 --> 00:31:41.670
Okay.
00:31:41.829 --> 00:31:45.430
So you say, okay, so what fun activity do you want to do when we're all gonna do something?
00:31:45.589 --> 00:31:46.630
You do that with each of them.
00:31:46.710 --> 00:31:48.630
Maybe they put 10 in a jar, okay?
00:31:48.789 --> 00:31:52.309
Each, two separate jars, a boy and a girl, different jars.
00:31:52.470 --> 00:31:55.430
And then you say, we're gonna flip a coin to see who goes first.
00:31:55.589 --> 00:31:58.549
So whoever gets to pick first, you've already flipped the coin.
00:31:58.630 --> 00:32:06.150
And you might say, we're gonna be playing now for 30 minutes, but the one who goes first, you get your activity and we're only gonna play for 20 minutes.
00:32:06.230 --> 00:32:08.549
So it's not gonna be as long because you got to go first.
00:32:08.710 --> 00:32:14.549
So the advantage of get winning the coin toss is that I mean you get to go first, but the turn is a little bit less.
00:32:14.630 --> 00:32:16.230
Okay, he's trying to make I do everything.
00:32:16.309 --> 00:32:19.029
Whenever I'm doing anything with kids, I'm always trying to be fair and reasonable.
00:32:19.190 --> 00:32:22.309
And they're kind of old enough to understand this, but even if they don't, just do it anyway.
00:32:22.390 --> 00:32:25.430
So we're gonna flip a coin, then the next time it's your turn.
00:32:25.589 --> 00:32:29.349
So every single day we're gonna do some fun activity, but just go back and forth.
00:32:29.589 --> 00:32:32.870
Yesterday was your turn, today is your turn, blah, blah, blah, back and forth.
00:32:32.950 --> 00:32:33.269
Okay.
00:32:33.750 --> 00:32:35.829
Okay, well, that was everything for the questions.
00:32:36.069 --> 00:32:38.630
Okay, so why constant discipline can ruin your connection?
00:32:38.710 --> 00:32:39.910
It's because it's all negative.
00:32:39.990 --> 00:32:45.750
And then they're gonna they're gonna feel awful about themselves and they're just gonna keep acting out because that will become their identity.
00:32:45.910 --> 00:32:49.430
When you and you know, when I was working with kids, I was volunteering as a mentor.
00:32:49.589 --> 00:32:51.190
I never got an easy kid to work with.
00:32:51.349 --> 00:32:55.910
I had to dig real deep to find something to enjoy with some of them initially when I was first starting to get to know them.
00:32:56.069 --> 00:32:56.710
And I did that.
00:32:56.789 --> 00:32:59.109
I've dug really deep and I found something I liked.
00:32:59.190 --> 00:33:01.029
That's where I put all my energy and focus.
00:33:01.109 --> 00:33:02.069
That's the pool story.
00:33:02.230 --> 00:33:02.870
Check that out.
00:33:02.950 --> 00:33:05.349
It's you can just Google Bratbuster's pool story.
00:33:05.509 --> 00:33:11.750
Okay, so I'm really good at connecting with kids because I know that's the way that you have to it, that you can actually avoid correction overall.
00:33:11.910 --> 00:33:18.710
So the correction becomes less and less and less because the connection starts to take over because they feel great about themselves when they're with you.
00:33:18.870 --> 00:33:19.190
Okay.
00:33:19.589 --> 00:33:26.630
Where if you've listened for a while, you might be able to fill in the sentence is where you put your energy and focus is what grows.
00:33:27.349 --> 00:33:29.829
I think that's encompasses a lot of your messaging.
00:33:30.069 --> 00:33:30.630
Exactly.
00:33:30.789 --> 00:33:32.150
Okay, thanks so much for joining us.
00:33:32.309 --> 00:33:33.029
Happy parenting.
00:33:33.109 --> 00:33:34.549
We'll talk again soon.
00:33:34.950 --> 00:33:36.230
Thanks for tuning in.
00:33:36.390 --> 00:33:44.549
If you're ready to dive deeper, check out Bratbusters.com to learn more about the behavior board, parenting courses, and private 101 coaching with Lisa.
00:33:44.710 --> 00:33:51.190
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00:33:51.430 --> 00:33:53.990
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00:33:54.230 --> 00:34:01.349
The information provided in this podcast is for general informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice.
00:34:01.509 --> 00:34:04.309
Lisa is a parenting coach, mom, and grandmother.
00:34:04.470 --> 00:34:06.950
She is not a licensed psychologist or counselor.
00:34:07.269 --> 00:34:11.589
Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals.
00:34:11.750 --> 00:34:16.229
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