Falling Into Yourself with Siobhan Middleton

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Hello, I'm Pamela Davis Brown.
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Welcome to episode 262 of the Well Done Life Podcast.
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And hello, welcome back to the Well Done Life Podcast.
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I'm your host, Pamela Davis Brown.
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If you are new here, hey, how are you?
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Welcome.
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I am so glad that you're here this week.
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If you've been here before, you guys know the deal.
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I love you deep.
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Thank you so much for continuing to rock with me.
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And if you are watching, you know that we have a guest.
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You can see this lovely lady who is sitting right next to me.
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You guys know that we've been in a series about falling in.
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And so I am so honored to have uh Siobhan Middleton here today.
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And I'm gonna let Siobhan introduce herself to you guys so we can get started because this is a conversation I've been looking forward to.
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Well, first of all, Pamela, thank you so much for having me.
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I don't take it lightly when I get invited to be on podcasts and to share my story and my journey and however it's gonna impact your audience.
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Like I'm truly grateful.
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Um, so again, my name is Siobhan.
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I am the founder of Freedom is the Lifestyle, and I help women unlearn the good girl conditioning, embody their grown-ass woman energy, and create lives that are true, that are free, that are beautiful.
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Um, I've been a life coach for 12 and a half years, which is so crazy to say.
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And so the type of work that I do it shows up in many different capacities, whether it's a community membership space that I have called the Freedom Circle.
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I also do one-on-one coaching, and then I do intimate group coaching as well as retreats.
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That's called the grown-ass woman.
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So just a little bit about me.
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Oh, and you know what?
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I have two amazing children that are in college.
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Um, my son is 18.
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I know, right?
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That's crazy.
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He's a freshman in college in Chicago, and then my daughter is a junior in college in New York.
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Oh my God.
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First and foremost, you don't look like you have children that age.
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God bless, you know.
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Thank God the melon is keeping us college.
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You look stunning.
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And thank you so much for giving us that.
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Because I was gonna say, you told us, you know, about what you do.
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I, but I want to kind of dive a little into you.
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So tell me who are you right now?
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That's a beautiful question.
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I am a woman that's becoming.
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Um, I am in this season of getting to know Siobhan for the first time really in my life, and it feels very beautiful here.
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There's something about when a woman shifts into her 40s that I just feel like we go through this midlife awakening.
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And that is what I've done.
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Well, what I've started about six years ago.
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And so now I'm in this season of really choosing myself.
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And what does that look like now that the kids are older?
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Now that, you know, I was married for 19 years and now I'm divorced and like happily dating now.
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Um, what does that look like now?
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And then also falling in love with my life and how do I show up every single day?
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Like that is who I am.
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Like I'm constantly trying to become the best version of myself.
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And I love the woman that I'm getting to know.
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I love that.
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Um, it's funny because one of the things that you struck me when we talked before is how you talk about, you know, no longer being required to be the good girl.
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And especially at this season where you are, like you said, you're becoming.
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Um, I do have to ask you, who was the good girl for you?
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Oh, she followed the rules.
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Um, she checked off all the boxes, and the boxes were given out very early in life.
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Um, I was conditioned that in order as a woman, you get married, you have kids, and you, you know, you raise your family.
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And for me, I did that.
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In fact, I got married at the age of 23.
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I had my first kid at 26, the second one at 28, a mortgage by 28, and I had got my master's degree by the age, I think, of 32 or 33.
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And I had did everything that I was supposed to do.
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And then I think around 32 or 33, something fell off.
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I'm like, this cannot be what life is, where you go to work every day, um, you show up as a wife, you show up as a mom, but like something is missing.
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And so I realized that very early on.
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Now I didn't know what to do with that information, but I do remember feeling very lost.
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And it was all tied to the conditioning of this is what a woman is supposed to be, this is how she's supposed to show up.
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And I did everything right and still felt like something was missing.
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Do you feel like when you were in that season where you recognized that something was off, and were you starting to possibly uncover where some of those expectations, some of those good girl things weren't really yours?
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Yeah, that's a great question.
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I didn't know how do I say this.
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I was very much aware of the good girl because I can go back into old journals.
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I've been journaling since I was 14.
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I have every single journal from then.
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And I yeah, and my eighth-grade teacher, Miss Gilmore, she gave me my very first journal.
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And I've been journaling ever since.
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And I do remember writing a lot of not wanting to be a good girl or this, I didn't use the word conditioning, but definitely knew that there was a certain way that I showed, shoot, shown up, show the certain way that I was in the world that people kind of um benefited from.
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And so I always like to talk about this online.
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When the good girl conditioning shows up, it's the saying yes to things that you want to say no to, right?
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It is the people pleasing, it is being nice, is being accommodating, it is following the rules and doing what you're supposed to do as a woman.
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But like who defined that for us?
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Like who said this is what you're supposed to do?
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And it takes a lot of courage to really identify how it's showing up in your life.
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And then how do I unlearn?
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How do I unlearn these things because they no longer are in alignment with the woman that I'm becoming to you?
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Yeah, and it's funny because I heard someone say to me, or I actually I think I saw it on social media where someone said that they feel like uh a lot of us as women, we don't understand that our how much sacrifice, how much our mothers, our grandmothers had to give up in order for us to get to the point where we are now, where we can realize that we can let go of everyone's expectations, that we don't have to fall in.
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So I was that's where I was kind of like wondering in your case as well, now that you have, you know, realized that you don't have to carry all these expectations anymore.
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How do you honor the person who got you to where you are?
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Because let's be real, the good girl got you to where you are right now.
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I feel the same way, even though it's like right now, you don't want to really be classified as a good girl.
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Does that make sense?
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No, it makes perfect sense.
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And I'm working through that in therapy, actually.
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Um yeah, um, you know, I'm grateful for her.
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She showed up in a time that I actually needed her, she protected me from a lot.
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And I think that now that I am more self-aware, I can see how a lot of the conditioning was harmful.
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If I look at some of the things I've experienced in my life, um, especially going through a friendship breakup, um, the divorce, like there's certain things that happen.
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It's like I also played a part.
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So I take full accountability.
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But as I'm getting older, I'm like, I don't want to be nice.
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I'm kind, but I'm not nice.
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Um I don't want to self-abandon myself.
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And when I say self-abandon, I'm saying every time that I say yes to something and my body is screaming no, that is a version of me abandoning myself.
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Every time that I allow someone's needs to come before my own, even if it's my children, that's me self-abandoning.
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And that was very harmful.
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So for the good girl, she did what she had to do.
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And I'm very grateful.
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But thank you.
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I give you much gratitude, but I got it from here.
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I love that because it reminds me of this quote, uh, a section of Elizabeth Gilbert's big magic book where she talks about fear.
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Yes, that was such a good book for me, where it's like you finally recognize that fear is going to be like in the passenger side, but you're ready to switch sit in the driver's side.
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Like I honored what you were what you did, but it's my turn.
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And I feel like you are in that season now where you are honoring that good girl.
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And now you've like, okay, girl, you can sit on the sidelines, let me run it.
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Do you feel like it was ever this like epiphany moment where you gave yourself that permission, or did it kind of happen subtly?
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No, no.
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Um, I will say in March of 2020, I turned 40 and we also were faced with a pandemic.
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And I remember I had just come back from a woman's conference in Toronto.
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And so, right coming back from that conference, COVID hit like the following week, if that.
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And I remember I was starting to look at my life and I'm like, something feels off.
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I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but something did not feel right.
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And the way that I kind of describe it is that there was this inner turmoil, if you will.
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And almost like when you're getting to the third trimester of your pregnancy and your belly is so tight and you are just ready to deliver.
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I felt like there was a part of me that was trying to bust out.
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And I could not shake it.
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And the only way that I can find some level of ease is that I would go for a walk every single day.
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And that's all we could do because the world was shut down, right?
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Right.
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I would walk for 25,000 steps a day.
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What?
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25, I know.
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And my therapist, he told me, he was like, you know, that's almost like 10 miles.
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Right.
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And at the time I didn't know, but now I know.
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And I'm like, yeah, on average, 25,000 steps.
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And what I was trying to do was walk away from the things that were causing me a lot of pain and really trying to figure out what was next.
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Um, and with those walks, I got a lot of clarity.
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And I decided to go see a new therapist at the time.
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And I was describing to some of the feelings that I was experiencing.
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I'm like, I don't know if it's because I just turned 40, but something just feels off.
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And by the time at the end of that session, she said, you know, it sounds like you just want to be free and you don't want to be married.
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And I'm like, oh.
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And she was right.
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And, you know, my ex-husband, he came home that day and I told him I no longer wanted to be married, and the rest is history.
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But it was definitely a wake-up call.
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And it was almost like the parts of me that I had been suppressing for so long because we were on lockdown in our own homes and I could not run from the things that I was seeing.
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Because, you know, you can get busy like as a wife, as a mother, and I was running my company full time.
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It was so easy to be distracted.
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But at that time, we didn't have any, there was no more distractions.
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I had to face it.
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And from then on, I hope from from today, I would say it's been a constant uncovering and unlearning.
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Yeah.
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I love that.
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And it it the 25,000 steps is just amazing to me.
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But and that you did that every day.
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And I get it because it's like that's that's an opportunity for you to choose peace.
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That's an opportunity for you to choose yourself.
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What do you feel or what was one of the first things when you made that choice?
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Outside of uh obviously separating from your husband, what other things did you give yourself permission to want when you realized that?
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Oh, I love that question.
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What other things did I give myself permission to want?
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A new life, a new life that outside of what I've been conditioned, I was supposed to live.
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I think also I wanted to be a better version of a mother, if you will.
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Um and my children deserved a healthier version of me.
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And I knew that they were not getting that.
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And I wanted a healthier relationship with them.
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So that was primary.
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And also, I wanted my own apartment.
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Like I wanted my own apartment.
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I had never lived on my own before.
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Um, so that it was a first for me, and I really wanted that experience, and it was such a big deal as I'm now transitioning to relocate to New Orleans, but I've been here for four years.
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And when I tell you, Pamela, there's been so much healing, um, so much growth, and just so much that I've learned about myself in this space.
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But those are some of the things that I wanted.
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I wanted to show up and be a better mother for my children.
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I wanted my own apartment, and most importantly, honestly, I wanted my freedom.
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Like I needed to like just be with me and be okay with that without everybody like pulling from me all the time.
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And that is such a radical thing, especially for women, for mothers, to choose themselves.
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And even when it goes against what society may say.
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What responsibility, though, do you feel comes with that choice?
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Judgment.
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People are gonna judge you, right?
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And you have to be okay with that.
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I think the responsibility of being accountable to yourself and no longer, and I I say this all the time on the internet, I will no longer disappoint myself and I will no longer abandon myself for the sake of other people.
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And so that is not easy work because you can abandon yourself in very subtle ways, and you're like, oh my gosh, I'm doing that thing.
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I didn't even realize it.
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And so you have to really be self-aware to catch it.
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And I'm not perfect, I definitely make mistakes, but it definitely comes with this responsibility of I will no longer disappoint myself for other people.
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And I don't know if you've ever read the book Untamed by Glenn and Doyle.
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I love that book.
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It's like my body.
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I've read that book.
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I've never read it, but I've heard of that book.
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Yes.
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It is phenomenal.
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I talk about it all the time.
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And one of the things that she said in the book, she said, I would disappoint everybody else before I disappoint myself again.
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And our mission in life as women is to disappoint as many people as we can, as long as we don't disappoint ourselves.
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And when I read that, I was like, I had never heard that before, but it has become like a mantra for me.
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Yeah.
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I love that because I think that that is one of the greatest fears that many of us have in regards to making changes in our lives.
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We get so worried about always disappointing ourselves.
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And I think sometimes you wind up putting yourself in a position where you see people staying in things that don't honor them.
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Do you feel like, as someone who coaches and develops women too, do you feel like choosing yourself sometimes does mean staying in situations and things like that?
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No, I don't.
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I don't.
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Um, I think that at this big age that we owe it to ourselves to choose ourselves.
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I think when women stay in unhealthy relationships, it's really unfortunate.
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I get it, but I don't know how you can choose yourself and then also be in an unhealthy relationship.
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Like it's it doesn't make sense to me.
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Now it's not easy to do.
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And I understand why women stay.
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I understand why whether you're standing in the relationship, the job, the friendship, I get it.
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Because a lot of times you don't want to deal with the loss.
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You don't want to deal with the letting go of the person.
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And so it's easier to hold on.
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But I don't know if you can be choosing yourself and also stand in something that is not good for your nervous system.
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I totally agree with that.
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And it's just, I don't from some people that I've talked to, and just obviously what we see out here, you see people making different choices, you know, because they're just not, I think your trust isn't there a lot of times.
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Absolutely.
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Absolutely.
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And so, for like when you were talking about walking those 25,000 steps every day, do you feel like that was actually about you learning how to trust yourself in those steps?
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No, um, the reason that I was taking those steps every day is because as I was sitting in my home, there was this pressure that I was feeling internally that I needed, it's almost like I was drowning.
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And the only way that I could catch my breath is if I went outside for a walk.
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And I kept walking because I didn't want to go back to my home.
00:16:29.440 --> 00:16:33.440
And I know it sounds crazy to walk that many steps, but I was just walking and walking.
00:16:33.600 --> 00:16:35.120
And it didn't even matter the temperature.
00:16:35.279 --> 00:16:41.759
I mean, I remember we had the worst winter ever in Cleveland where the snow was so heavy that the branches were hanging over.
00:16:42.000 --> 00:16:42.960
It was crazy.
00:16:43.120 --> 00:16:46.320
I put on my boots, my coat, my hat, and all the things.
00:16:46.559 --> 00:16:50.000
And I don't think that that was a version of really choosing myself.
00:16:50.080 --> 00:16:52.399
It was I need to breathe.
00:16:52.639 --> 00:16:54.960
And I just need to get a little bit of relief.
00:16:55.039 --> 00:16:57.840
I didn't have this language that I have now then.
00:16:58.080 --> 00:17:01.279
Um, I was in a lot of pain, a lot of emotional pain.
00:17:01.440 --> 00:17:04.160
And I just needed some relief.
00:17:04.319 --> 00:17:06.720
And that was my way of getting it.
00:17:06.960 --> 00:17:16.480
Um, I think as I got a little bit further into it, and because we, I think it was 2020 when I told him I no longer wanted to be married.
00:17:16.559 --> 00:17:19.680
I would be in my home for another two years before I actually left.
00:17:20.240 --> 00:17:26.160
And I knew what the goal was was to get my own apartment, and you know, for me and my children.
00:17:26.480 --> 00:17:29.039
And maybe so in that way I was choosing myself.
00:17:29.119 --> 00:17:30.319
It just didn't feel like that.
00:17:30.480 --> 00:17:34.799
It just like I'm just trying to make it day by day to get out of this situation, you know.
00:17:35.119 --> 00:17:48.160
I respect it because and and the reason that I asked that question is because I wonder do a lot of times we don't recognize because it sounds to me, and definitely correct me if I'm wrong, you trust wasn't the issue.
00:17:48.240 --> 00:17:51.599
Like you trusted your gut, you trusted your decisions.
00:17:52.000 --> 00:17:58.960
It was just maybe you were going through trying to survive it and figure out how to get clear before you actually could move forward.
00:17:59.200 --> 00:18:03.119
Yeah, I I definitely was surviving at that time.
00:18:03.279 --> 00:18:05.119
Um, but also was trust.
00:18:05.279 --> 00:18:06.720
I didn't have that language either.
00:18:06.799 --> 00:18:08.400
I didn't know how to trust myself.
00:18:08.480 --> 00:18:12.079
I trusted my ex, I trusted friends, I trusted relatives.
00:18:12.240 --> 00:18:14.319
Oh, I wasn't taught how to trust myself.
00:18:14.480 --> 00:18:21.279
And then I don't want to bring religion into it, but also the way that I was raised, my grandmother, you know, you lean on God for everything.
00:18:21.440 --> 00:18:24.400
And it's almost like lean not on your own understanding, right?
00:18:24.480 --> 00:18:28.000
And so because of that, I didn't even know that that was possible.
00:18:28.240 --> 00:18:33.039
I am just learning how to trust myself and my decisions in my 40s.
00:18:33.279 --> 00:18:35.119
I have not always been able to do this.
00:18:35.279 --> 00:18:42.319
And I think a lot of it too stems from my childhood and my relationship with my mother and the lack thereof that I just didn't know how to do it.
00:18:42.480 --> 00:18:48.799
And so something that, and not to judge myself for be hard, but there's just certain things I didn't know.
00:18:49.119 --> 00:18:54.799
And maybe one could look at it and like, oh yeah, I think you were trusting yourself when you were doing this, but I didn't see it that way.
00:18:54.880 --> 00:19:02.400
It was to your point, I'm surviving day by day to get out of this situation so I can have freedom for myself.
00:19:02.480 --> 00:19:03.119
Yeah.
00:19:03.680 --> 00:19:12.160
In the moment where you, you know, obviously decided to be free, was that the beginning of your journey to self-trust?
00:19:12.480 --> 00:19:14.559
Or was it a little bit further along?
00:19:15.119 --> 00:19:16.480
No, I think, yeah.
00:19:16.720 --> 00:19:23.440
Once I real So 2022, so four years ago, I think that that is when I really started tapping into it.
00:19:23.599 --> 00:19:24.799
And it hasn't been easy.
00:19:24.960 --> 00:19:27.359
It has not been easy at all.
00:19:27.599 --> 00:19:37.440
Because when you are conditioned to not trust yourself and to second guess and to get validation and approval from other people, trusting your own intuition is very foreign.
00:19:37.680 --> 00:19:42.400
And so I had to start building the muscle and trusting myself with small things.
00:19:42.640 --> 00:19:49.200
So now, without question, like there, I know, like I know, like I know that I can trust.
00:19:49.279 --> 00:19:54.079
I mean, I'm always going to be here for myself, but I did not always have the confidence that I have today.
00:19:54.400 --> 00:19:56.160
I I I I respect that.
00:19:56.240 --> 00:20:07.599
And that's such an honest way to say it because everyone, like I said, I think, especially as coaches, as educators, as thought leaders, it's very easy to project to people that you got it.
00:20:07.680 --> 00:20:09.599
Like I trust every day.
00:20:09.839 --> 00:20:12.720
When in actuality, that is not how it goes.
00:20:13.119 --> 00:20:18.400
And so when you have your moments, because I'm gonna be honest, you are a grown ass woman.
00:20:18.559 --> 00:20:20.319
You are grown Siobhan.
00:20:20.559 --> 00:20:21.359
Thank you.
00:20:21.680 --> 00:20:29.440
How what do you now say back to yourself when you have those moments where it's like certain because you're doing big things?
00:20:29.759 --> 00:20:30.400
Well, thank you.
00:20:30.480 --> 00:20:34.000
I appreciate um you for witnessing that and acknowledging that.
00:20:34.240 --> 00:20:40.400
You know, I have this mantra or this affirmation that I say all the time that everything is always working out for me.
00:20:40.559 --> 00:20:44.079
I don't know how it's gonna work out, but everything is always working out for me.
00:20:44.240 --> 00:20:45.839
And I honestly believe that.
00:20:46.000 --> 00:20:47.359
Now, do I know?
00:20:47.599 --> 00:20:48.000
Nope.
00:20:48.240 --> 00:20:53.519
But I trust in a higher being, universe, spirit, that there everything is always working.
00:20:53.680 --> 00:20:55.839
And that is very comforting to me.
00:20:56.000 --> 00:20:59.039
Um, and so I don't ever have to worry about anything.
00:20:59.200 --> 00:21:10.079
Um, and even when challenges arise, it's like I I don't know if you've ever done the strength finder assessment, but my one of my strengths is positively and not toxic positivity.
00:21:10.240 --> 00:21:16.480
But I I am someone who I'm always looking at the light at the end of the tunnel or I'm optimistic.
00:21:16.640 --> 00:21:21.599
And so, yes, there can be challenges, but I I also I'm like, but this is happening for a reason.
00:21:21.759 --> 00:21:23.119
What is the lesson in this?
00:21:23.359 --> 00:21:41.759
How and I also realized, Pamela, that a lot of the things that I'm experiencing, even when they were challenging, I'm very grateful because the women that come into my community today, if I hadn't gone, if I haven't gone through it, how would I be able to teach and to share how I got to the other side?
00:21:41.920 --> 00:21:48.559
And so there is a reason, even when it's not great, there is a reason why these things have happened, and I'm grateful for them.
00:21:50.079 --> 00:21:52.720
Because yeah, real experiences are always the best.
00:21:52.880 --> 00:22:08.079
Because I don't know, I I'm I'm significantly older than you, I'm in my 50s, and I will say That one of the things I totally agree is like the 40s opened up the floodgates, and you're just like, I'm ready to start trusting me.
00:22:08.160 --> 00:22:12.799
Like I can't, and I will say it gets better, but it sounds like you're pretty much right there.
00:22:12.960 --> 00:22:18.640
Like, I feel like there is nothing now that I will face that I can't handle.
00:22:18.799 --> 00:22:23.279
Like if a shoe drops, I'm going to pick that sucker up and keep it pushing.
00:22:23.440 --> 00:22:26.880
And it seems like you're at that same level now.
00:22:28.480 --> 00:22:33.279
Do you feel like that realization just kind of happened one day randomly?
00:22:33.359 --> 00:22:38.160
Or do you feel like it's had it's been like a series of things that have led you to this point?
00:22:38.400 --> 00:22:41.519
Definitely a series of things that have led me to this point.
00:22:41.759 --> 00:22:45.920
Um, and I will say that doing the work, it works.
00:22:46.079 --> 00:22:50.720
And I've been doing this work, specifically personal growth work for 14 years.
00:22:51.039 --> 00:23:01.759
And now, without question, I know that what I did 10 years ago, it was really sowing the seeds then for the harvest that I'm experiencing now.
00:23:02.000 --> 00:23:08.079
And yeah, it's just been a series of events, and every single time, everything is working out for me.
00:23:08.160 --> 00:23:09.680
Um, and sometimes I'm surprised.
00:23:09.759 --> 00:23:10.799
I'm like, oh my gosh.
00:23:10.960 --> 00:23:12.559
But it's like, why should you be surprised?
00:23:12.640 --> 00:23:14.480
You know that you're a powerful manifester.
00:23:14.960 --> 00:23:16.640
You get everything that you want.
00:23:16.799 --> 00:23:21.440
Like, even with the guy that I'm dating now, we've been dating for a little over a year.
00:23:21.759 --> 00:23:23.839
And I'm like, I manifested him.
00:23:24.000 --> 00:23:26.720
I was very clear about the type of relationship that I wanted.
00:23:26.799 --> 00:23:32.720
I went to therapy specifically to heal some things for my marriage and trusting black men and things of that nature.
00:23:32.880 --> 00:23:34.160
I'm like, you get what you want.
00:23:34.319 --> 00:23:40.640
And so now, yes, there's been a series of things, but it makes sense because of the work that I've been doing to get here.
00:23:40.880 --> 00:23:41.519
I love it.
00:23:41.680 --> 00:23:50.319
Because I was gonna ask you, like now that you are this new person, what is it like experiencing love as the woman you are right now?
00:23:50.640 --> 00:23:52.880
Oh, you're gonna make me emotional.
00:23:53.839 --> 00:23:54.400
I know.
00:23:54.640 --> 00:23:57.920
I I will say this.
00:23:58.160 --> 00:24:05.440
Um being in an unhealthy marriage, I did not know what love was.
00:24:05.599 --> 00:24:10.400
And I know people are listening, like, oh, you've been you were married for 19 years, and I get that.
00:24:10.720 --> 00:24:11.839
But it wasn't love.
00:24:12.000 --> 00:24:16.000
We didn't have a lot of what I feel is needed in a relationship.
00:24:16.160 --> 00:24:28.799
And so once I've done a lot of healing and a lot of things that I've done to kind of get to this side, I was very afraid of love because I'm like, well, if I was in this for 19, well, 20 plus years, because we were together since we were 18.
00:24:29.039 --> 00:24:32.799
Wow, I was like, I don't know how it's gonna feel when it comes again.
00:24:32.960 --> 00:24:36.000
And I'm very afraid, what if I mess it up?
00:24:36.160 --> 00:24:37.599
What if I get hurt again?
00:24:37.759 --> 00:24:42.640
And so that was my reason for going to therapy with the black male therapist.
00:24:42.880 --> 00:24:47.119
And I started seeing him, my therapist, June of last year.
00:24:47.279 --> 00:24:50.799
I was on a psychedelic retreat in August.
00:24:51.680 --> 00:24:56.400
And I think like the day I was leaving, I matched with my crush.
00:24:56.480 --> 00:25:00.079
So it was, I was on a spiritual high anyway, from this retreat.
00:25:00.400 --> 00:25:05.599
And I was like, oh my gosh, like, as I've been seeing what's happening over the last year.
00:25:05.680 --> 00:25:07.519
So I'm like, oh, you manifested this.
00:25:07.680 --> 00:25:11.119
In fact, you caught in exactly what you wanted.
00:25:11.440 --> 00:25:18.000
And now realizing what love actually looks like, like my therapist was telling me this a couple of weeks ago.
00:25:18.160 --> 00:25:27.200
He was like, you know, what makes a healthy relationship is there has to be compatibility, sexual compatibility, intellectual compatibility, and emotional compatibility.
00:25:27.359 --> 00:25:29.200
That makes a healthy relationship.
00:25:29.359 --> 00:25:33.680
And as we've been talking on my crush and all these things, he was like, You're in a healthy relationship.
00:25:33.759 --> 00:25:35.759
And I've been blown away every time, like, wait, what?
00:25:35.839 --> 00:25:36.880
Are you crazy, Emma?
00:25:37.440 --> 00:25:43.279
But now I know, like, there's so many different things that I'm experiencing that I've never experienced before.
00:25:43.599 --> 00:25:45.119
And I love that for me.
00:25:45.279 --> 00:25:48.799
It was hard in the beginning because I'm like, what the hell is happening here?
00:25:48.960 --> 00:25:49.039
Right.
00:25:49.279 --> 00:25:52.240
But now I am embracing it a little bit more and I love it here.
00:25:52.480 --> 00:25:55.759
And I want to fall in love over and over and over again.
00:25:55.839 --> 00:25:56.880
And maybe not fall in love.
00:25:56.960 --> 00:25:57.839
I don't want to use that language.
00:25:58.000 --> 00:26:03.359
I want to choose love over and over and over again for the rest of my life because I love it here.
00:26:03.759 --> 00:26:04.640
I love that.
00:26:04.880 --> 00:26:22.480
Because, you know, a lot of times when people are in relationships for a long time, coming out of it is so tricky because, like you said, you you know, you've been that was the person that you trusted, and now it's like you didn't, you can't, and now you have to define it on a different level.
00:26:22.720 --> 00:26:23.039
Yeah.
00:26:23.519 --> 00:26:29.279
What is one thing for you now that is a requirement for love in general?
00:26:29.599 --> 00:26:31.119
Yeah, great question.
00:26:31.359 --> 00:26:32.640
Emotional safety.
00:26:32.799 --> 00:26:36.480
I have to feel safe emotionally with you, or it's not gonna work.
00:26:36.799 --> 00:26:40.799
Um, there has to be open, honest conversation, of course.
00:26:41.039 --> 00:26:46.799
And then I'm very clear when it comes to dating that there are certain things that I'm not gonna do again.
00:26:46.880 --> 00:26:51.440
I'm not remarrying, um, I'm not gonna live with the man again, and I'm not having any more children.
00:26:51.680 --> 00:26:59.200
And so there has to be the person that's in my life, you have to respect that and not try to control me or get me to change my mind.
00:26:59.359 --> 00:27:04.799
But yeah, those are some of the things that come that are top of mind that are really important for me.
00:27:05.119 --> 00:27:08.000
And honoring my autonomy.
00:27:08.319 --> 00:27:17.519
Like if I ever feel like you are trying to possess or control me, I'm gonna exit real quick because that means everything to me.
00:27:18.319 --> 00:27:19.519
I appreciate that.
00:27:19.759 --> 00:27:27.359
But what I admire about it is that you are so forthcoming about your expectations and requirements.
00:27:27.680 --> 00:27:33.519
And I think as women, that is one of the things that takes us so long to get to.
00:27:34.640 --> 00:27:36.799
And so I admire how you have that.
00:27:36.880 --> 00:27:40.720
I do have to ask a question with that, especially since you have a daughter.
00:27:41.039 --> 00:27:52.000
How do you navigate having the conversation with her about understanding the need to have her own expectations, her own requirements, and standing firm in them?
00:27:52.319 --> 00:27:53.680
Oh, that's a great question.
00:27:53.839 --> 00:27:56.160
Um, we've been doing this work for a minute.
00:27:56.319 --> 00:28:01.839
Um, and the majority of her life has she as I've been with her dad, right?
00:28:02.160 --> 00:28:07.680
And so helping her to see a healthier side of relationships.
00:28:07.759 --> 00:28:10.079
And that was one of the reasons why I needed to leave.
00:28:10.240 --> 00:28:20.079
Because I knew after reading Untamed, and this is something that Glenn and Doyle talked about in her book, is that the marriage that she had, she would not want her daughters to have it.
00:28:20.240 --> 00:28:24.000
And I remember when I read that, I had to ask myself the same question.
00:28:24.319 --> 00:28:28.000
Would I want my daughter to have the type of marriage that I'm in?
00:28:28.160 --> 00:28:29.359
And the answer was no.
00:28:29.519 --> 00:28:33.359
So if I didn't want that for my child, then I could not want that for me, right?
00:28:33.680 --> 00:28:42.160
So now the work with my daughter is helping her see me in a healthy relationship, despite what she grew up seeing.
00:28:42.400 --> 00:28:46.799
And there's been several occasions that she has said to me, I'm so glad that you divorced dad.
00:28:46.960 --> 00:28:48.240
You're happier now.
00:28:48.400 --> 00:28:51.359
She was like, and I'm so happy that you're in this relationship.
00:28:51.519 --> 00:28:54.319
Um, you seem like you're having fun and all the things.
00:28:54.480 --> 00:28:59.599
And I have to do that from afar because I'm in Cleveland and she in New York and she can't witness it.
00:28:59.759 --> 00:29:10.720
So we're always having conversations about this because it is challenging when your children have grown up in a certain environment.
00:29:10.880 --> 00:29:16.720
And as you are healing and unlearning, and then you got to go back and teach them so that they don't repeat it.
00:29:16.880 --> 00:29:18.079
That is a lot of work.
00:29:18.240 --> 00:29:22.319
And I'm thinking about it all the time, and not even just with my daughter, but also with my son.
00:29:22.400 --> 00:29:24.319
How are you treating young girls?
00:29:24.480 --> 00:29:25.839
How are you showing up?
00:29:26.000 --> 00:29:34.480
And so it is constant work, and I'm doing my best to not carry mom guilt, you know.
00:29:34.720 --> 00:29:43.440
Um, and just do my best based on where they're at now, and all I can do is teach from this point, but it is a challenge sometimes for sure.
00:29:43.839 --> 00:30:01.920
No, I can only imagine, but I think your daughter, and I'm assuming your son probably sees that, you know, like you said, that you're happy, that you are living your best life, that you are showing there is more to life than just what happened.
00:30:02.319 --> 00:30:10.880
And I think about that in general, because you do talk to women about, you know, understanding that there is more than just what you have established.
00:30:11.200 --> 00:30:15.200
When you're saying that now, what are you really thinking about?
00:30:15.359 --> 00:30:17.119
Like, how do you define more?
00:30:20.079 --> 00:30:29.359
I define more by being at peace with my choices and being able to live a life that actually feels good.
00:30:29.759 --> 00:30:35.359
Not one that looks good on paper because I had that, but how do I feel every day?
00:30:35.519 --> 00:30:36.880
Am I waking up with peace?
00:30:37.039 --> 00:30:38.960
Am I waking up with joy and gratitude?
00:30:39.119 --> 00:30:40.640
Do I actually like my life?
00:30:40.880 --> 00:30:42.960
Do I like how I'm showing up in my friendships?
00:30:43.119 --> 00:30:44.319
Do I like the work that I'm doing?
00:30:44.400 --> 00:30:49.359
Like, there's this constant like questioning to make sure that I'm good.
00:30:49.599 --> 00:31:00.000
And now when I think about my life, it it is like pinch me and show me that this is real because I fought my ass, I have worked my ass off to get here.
00:31:00.319 --> 00:31:08.240
And sometimes we're always working and we're working towards a thing, and then to realize you're actually sitting in the prayer.
00:31:08.400 --> 00:31:09.519
Like I'm sitting in it.
00:31:09.599 --> 00:31:13.680
Like I cannot believe in less than a month I'm gonna be living in my favorite city.
00:31:14.079 --> 00:31:18.319
When I remember when I was talking about it years ago, and now it's my reality.
00:31:18.559 --> 00:31:25.119
All I wanted for my children was them to get out of this city and go to college and start their own lives, and now they're both doing that.
00:31:25.279 --> 00:31:27.200
Like my life is so abundant.
00:31:27.279 --> 00:31:36.319
It's I'm loved by so many, whether the people that are close to me or the communities that I've built online, like it is this is a beautiful space.
00:31:36.559 --> 00:31:40.079
And what I do know is that it's just gonna keep getting better from here.
00:31:40.160 --> 00:31:47.680
Like I like I feel like I'm on the cusp of something, and it's so much bigger than me.
00:31:47.839 --> 00:31:50.160
And I'm like, but this feels really good.
00:31:50.319 --> 00:31:52.079
But also, thank you more, please.
00:31:52.160 --> 00:31:53.359
I'm ready for what's next.
00:31:53.519 --> 00:31:54.880
But I can feel it in my bones.
00:31:54.960 --> 00:31:59.440
I can, and it's such um a strong feeling that I haven't ever felt before.
00:31:59.599 --> 00:32:05.039
So, yes, um, I think I'm sitting in more, but there's so much more.
00:32:05.119 --> 00:32:09.519
Like, I I don't know if I'm explaining it or I'm answering your question, but I can just feel it.
00:32:09.680 --> 00:32:10.319
It's a feeling.
00:32:10.559 --> 00:32:20.640
You are, because to me, it's like you're you are giving hope to women to recognize that you can still want more.
00:32:21.039 --> 00:32:24.720
You can be satisfied in the life you have, but still want more.
00:32:26.160 --> 00:32:27.599
And there's nothing like that.
00:32:27.839 --> 00:32:28.640
Yeah, it's not.
00:32:28.720 --> 00:32:34.960
And what I think when we go back to this idea of the good girl conditioning, we've been taught to be grateful for what you have.
00:32:35.200 --> 00:32:40.720
And so now women don't understand that I can be grateful for my life, but I can still want more.
00:32:40.880 --> 00:32:42.400
But you got to sit with yourself.
00:32:42.559 --> 00:32:43.279
What do you want?
00:32:43.440 --> 00:32:45.039
Like, what is it that you want?
00:32:45.200 --> 00:32:49.759
Like, if you can have the very life that you dream of, what does that even look like?
00:32:49.920 --> 00:33:01.200
And for a lot of women in my audience, they're moms, their wives, daughters, employees, like there's so many different labels that they don't know who they are outside of the label.
00:33:01.359 --> 00:33:03.519
So when I'm even asking you, what do you want?
00:33:03.680 --> 00:33:07.839
You're stuck there because you're like, well, I never had an opportunity to even think about it.
00:33:07.920 --> 00:33:17.440
Because if I got married young, had a kid young, I've been responsible for such an early age in my life, I don't even know how to figure out what I want.
00:33:17.519 --> 00:33:32.240
And so my work is to help you sit still enough to figure it out and then let you know that you're worthy of it, like you're deserving of whatever you and it can be anything, it can be anything, but you have to take a moment to figure it out.
00:33:32.400 --> 00:33:35.920
Otherwise, you will be living a life that's not your own.
00:33:36.160 --> 00:33:37.519
And that does not feel good.
00:33:37.599 --> 00:33:40.160
And I know it doesn't feel good because I did it for so long.
00:33:40.400 --> 00:33:42.079
Yeah, and that's the problem.
00:33:42.240 --> 00:33:49.359
I think a lot of women realize that when they feel like it might be too late or at the end part of life.
00:33:49.519 --> 00:33:58.160
Because if you think about it, like you said, we kind of settle down, we mature, children are living their lives, family members living their lives, and that's the moment where we check back in.
00:33:58.319 --> 00:34:01.680
But I feel like you're creating those spaces with the grown-ass woman retreat.
00:34:01.759 --> 00:34:02.799
You know, I have to talk about it.
00:34:02.880 --> 00:34:03.920
So let's talk about it.
00:34:04.079 --> 00:34:12.719
Because I mean, I I really kinda want to understand before we do that, what do you feel is the difference between the good girl and the grown-ass woman?
00:34:12.880 --> 00:34:14.159
That's a beautiful question.
00:34:14.400 --> 00:34:15.440
Okay, I love it.
00:34:15.599 --> 00:34:19.519
So I'll tell you, let me give you context before I answer your question.
00:34:20.079 --> 00:34:23.920
Several years ago, probably back in 2021, and I'm very good at things.
00:34:24.079 --> 00:34:26.800
My friends are always like laughing, like, you always remember these years.
00:34:26.960 --> 00:34:28.960
But anyway, I had did a survey with my friends.
00:34:29.039 --> 00:34:30.639
I'm like, how do you know you're a grown woman?
00:34:30.800 --> 00:34:32.239
And they was like, What do you mean, Shaban?
00:34:32.320 --> 00:34:33.920
I'm like, how do you know that you're grown?
00:34:34.079 --> 00:34:36.639
And I was dead ass serious, right?
00:34:36.880 --> 00:34:38.559
And they all were like, you just know.
00:34:38.639 --> 00:34:44.639
And I'm like, well, I'm gonna make me a playlist and I'm gonna put all these songs on there, and that's how I'm gonna embody this energy.
00:34:44.960 --> 00:34:51.920
And because there was a certain way that I was showing up that was very childlike, very innocent, very vulnerable in many ways, right?
00:34:52.079 --> 00:34:57.360
And I did not know how do I show up grown where people respected me as so.
00:34:57.920 --> 00:35:08.320
Now that I've lived some life, I can, I know now what it looks like as this good girl who's who kind of just follows someone else's path, right?
00:35:08.400 --> 00:35:13.039
She doesn't have a voice, she shrinks, she doesn't take up space, and all the other things that I said before.
00:35:13.119 --> 00:35:18.000
But when it comes to this grown-ass woman energy, you have boundaries, you have confidence.
00:35:18.159 --> 00:35:22.880
There's a certain way that you walk in a room or you show up on the screen where people automatically respect you.
00:35:23.039 --> 00:35:24.880
You move to the beat of your own drum.
00:35:24.960 --> 00:35:25.840
You know what you want.
00:35:26.000 --> 00:35:32.239
It's not that you don't have challenges, you do, but you know that they're your own and you know how to get from point A to point B.
00:35:32.400 --> 00:35:34.719
There's just a certain way that you carry yourself.
00:35:34.800 --> 00:35:42.400
And I want to say this it is not about age, because I know some women in their 50s and 60s that still act like they're little girls.
00:35:42.559 --> 00:35:45.519
It is about emotional maturity, right?
00:35:46.079 --> 00:35:50.480
It's having true self-love for yourself, it's trusting yourself.
00:35:50.639 --> 00:35:57.360
Um, I mean, I can go on all day, but when I what's top of mind is that's how I show up as a grown-ass woman.
00:35:57.440 --> 00:36:01.360
And so when people acknowledge that, I'm like, yes, doing the work is working.
00:36:01.679 --> 00:36:02.320
Absolutely.
00:36:02.480 --> 00:36:10.480
And I think that's, I mean, that's really what all of us want when we get to that, is just I don't really think anyone's ever defined what it is to be a grown-ass woman.
00:36:10.639 --> 00:36:12.079
Because personally, I was like, I'm grown.
00:36:12.159 --> 00:36:14.000
I have bought four tires all at the same time.
00:36:15.360 --> 00:36:20.559
You know, when if I am doing major things like adulting, I'm grown.
00:36:20.719 --> 00:36:23.440
But I think obviously there's more to it.
00:36:23.679 --> 00:36:24.559
It's the work.
00:36:24.800 --> 00:36:34.320
So when women come to you for like the retreat or just anything as it relates to grown-ass woman, what are you trying to cultivate in that experience?
00:36:34.480 --> 00:36:36.400
What do you want them to walk away with?
00:36:36.639 --> 00:36:42.239
I first want you to identify what the conditioning looks like because I don't think we're having enough conversation.
00:36:42.320 --> 00:36:47.360
So I appreciate being here to expose your audience to this language, right?
00:36:47.599 --> 00:36:56.480
I don't even think we know that when we say yes to things we want to say no to or being accommodating or nice or avoiding conflict, that you're showing up very childlike.
00:36:56.719 --> 00:37:01.440
I so a lot of women are coming to me people pleasing and all of that, right?
00:37:01.679 --> 00:37:05.920
And then we have to take time to number one identify it and have the self-awareness.
00:37:06.079 --> 00:37:12.559
And then what I do in my work is I have a um philosophy that I teach from, and it's called the freedom method.
00:37:12.719 --> 00:37:15.199
And so the F stands for facing the good girl.
00:37:15.360 --> 00:37:19.360
The R is reclaiming your voice because at some point you probably lost your voice.
00:37:19.519 --> 00:37:24.559
Somebody said something when you were a child, maybe in college, and you stopped speaking up for yourself.
00:37:24.719 --> 00:37:27.039
Um, the E is for examining the mask.
00:37:27.119 --> 00:37:30.719
A lot of times, women are performing your code switching.
00:37:30.960 --> 00:37:36.400
You are masking how you really feel to be loved, to be validated, to get approval, right?
00:37:36.559 --> 00:37:41.360
Um, the other E is for embracing the grown-ass woman energy, which I just talked about.
00:37:41.519 --> 00:37:44.719
Um, the D is for defining freedom on your own terms.
00:37:45.039 --> 00:37:50.400
My version of freedom and your version of freedom are going to look completely different, but you deserve to be free.
00:37:50.559 --> 00:37:52.480
The O is for owning your story.
00:37:52.719 --> 00:37:57.280
So a lot of times what happens when women come to me is that they're so stuck in the past.
00:37:57.440 --> 00:37:59.760
They haven't learned how to forgive themselves.
00:37:59.920 --> 00:38:02.880
Um, and so how do you own what has happened?
00:38:03.039 --> 00:38:05.519
And then you get to create a new narrative for yourself.
00:38:05.679 --> 00:38:08.239
And then the M is for moving forward boldly.
00:38:08.400 --> 00:38:12.800
Every single day I am telling my clients, I just want you to take a baby step forward.
00:38:12.960 --> 00:38:20.880
Your baby step could be today, I just need to rest, or I need a good cry, or I need to lean into the community and be celebrated or get supported.
00:38:21.119 --> 00:38:24.079
And so that is what I'm taking every single woman through.
00:38:24.239 --> 00:38:30.000
And as we are going through my philosophy, the freedom method, that is how you're gonna get to freedom.
00:38:30.400 --> 00:38:31.360
I love it.
00:38:31.840 --> 00:38:42.400
And it it is it's so impactful because each of those things I think about for myself have been like such a hard thought lesson.
00:38:42.639 --> 00:38:47.679
Like I said, being in my 50s, I I admire the fact that you're in your 40s and I figured it out.
00:38:48.159 --> 00:38:53.280
Because, you know, I feel like life just starts to come at you hard after 40.
00:38:53.840 --> 00:39:00.960
Um, and so I admire that you're taking that back and you're giving that power out to other people after you've learned it.
00:39:01.280 --> 00:39:10.320
Um, just thinking about where you are right now in your life, you know, because there's a lot of new things coming up and you don't have everything figured out.
00:39:10.639 --> 00:39:19.119
How does it feel to no longer need to know the end of the story is freedom?
00:39:19.599 --> 00:39:30.639
Um, very freeing, I would say, because I am someone going back to checking the boxes and afraid to take risks and following the rules, and this is what you're supposed to do.
00:39:30.880 --> 00:39:35.920
And so kind of pulling back from that, it is a little bit scary because it's like, whoa, what are we doing here?
00:39:36.239 --> 00:39:40.079
And also I'm trusting that everything is working out.
00:39:40.480 --> 00:39:42.320
And I don't need to know everything.
00:39:42.480 --> 00:39:46.079
Like, I really don't need to because I think that ruins the fun of it.
00:39:46.239 --> 00:40:00.559
And if I go back to like these big things that have happened in my life, if you would have told me that I was going through a friendship breakup, that my grandmother would pass away, she raised me, that I would go through a divorce, if you would have told me that up front, I would have been like, oh, no, no, no, forget all of that.
00:40:00.639 --> 00:40:02.480
I do not want to go through it, right?
00:40:02.960 --> 00:40:10.000
So I'm grateful that I don't know how everything is gonna turn out because there's so much curiosity in that.
00:40:10.239 --> 00:40:17.360
The other thing is the reason that I keep showing up and doing my work every single day is because I need to see how this story is gonna end.
00:40:17.519 --> 00:40:18.719
I need to see it.
00:40:18.880 --> 00:40:21.679
I am not going to therapy every week for no reason.
00:40:21.840 --> 00:40:28.079
I am not journaling, I am not setting the boundaries, I'm not doing all the work that I'm doing and I don't see how this is gonna turn out.
00:40:28.239 --> 00:40:28.800
Like, what?
00:40:28.960 --> 00:40:30.079
No, no, no, no.
00:40:30.239 --> 00:40:35.840
I need to see that the work is going to eventually pay off, and that is why I show up every day.
00:40:36.000 --> 00:40:39.360
Yeah, I respect it because I'll be honest, I totally agree with you.
00:40:39.440 --> 00:40:43.360
Because after a while, that gets to a point where you have read all the books, you've done all the therapy.
00:40:43.519 --> 00:40:45.760
I need to see what this all this magic is about.
00:40:45.920 --> 00:40:48.719
And I love that you're in that season of it.
00:40:48.960 --> 00:40:54.320
Does it also feel kind of cool not to care what other people think anymore?
00:40:54.559 --> 00:40:59.199
Yes, especially when more than half my life I cared a lot.
00:40:59.440 --> 00:41:01.119
Um I'm so surprised.
00:41:01.440 --> 00:41:02.880
I guess this is the other thing.
00:41:02.960 --> 00:41:10.400
Like, I I'm it's almost like, and I hope this is not too woo-woo, but as I'm talking to you, I can see a virgin watching me.
00:41:10.559 --> 00:41:18.960
Like I'm in awe, like I am speaking the way that I speak because I I'm not that far removed of the life that I used to live.
00:41:19.199 --> 00:41:26.480
And the work that I've done in the last six years, specifically the last four years to get here, I'm wild by myself.
00:41:26.559 --> 00:41:28.000
Like, girl, do you hear you?
00:41:28.159 --> 00:41:29.039
Like, what?
00:41:29.440 --> 00:41:32.000
Like, so it's really surprising sometimes.
00:41:32.159 --> 00:41:35.039
Like, I cannot believe that this is my life.
00:41:35.519 --> 00:41:45.039
Like, I cannot believe that this is what it looks like to, or this is the harvest of the seeds that have been planted all these years.
00:41:45.199 --> 00:41:53.599
Like, because we're working when we're and we're working towards it, and you're just like one day, one day, but it's like, oh no, I'm actually sitting in it.
00:41:54.000 --> 00:41:54.719
Like, what?
00:41:55.440 --> 00:42:05.519
Like, and I don't know for for you or your audience, but like when your nervous system is so dysregulated that you're on edge all the time, that is a very painful place to be.
00:42:06.000 --> 00:42:11.679
I mean, I used to suffer from from migraines from age 19 to 41.
00:42:12.800 --> 00:42:16.639
And migraines and headaches are completely two different things.
00:42:17.039 --> 00:42:20.639
And I remember I used to beg God, I'm like, please just take these migraines away.
00:42:20.719 --> 00:42:21.599
Take these migraines away.
00:42:21.679 --> 00:42:25.760
I did not even know what was causing the migraines, and now I don't get them at all.
00:42:26.239 --> 00:42:26.719
What?
00:42:27.440 --> 00:42:30.480
So it is this is a remarkable life.
00:42:30.639 --> 00:42:35.599
Like, I I'm in awe of what I'm getting to experience.
00:42:36.480 --> 00:42:39.519
It is like and I'll share this.
00:42:39.599 --> 00:42:41.840
Like, I know we probably talked about it on our call.
00:42:42.639 --> 00:42:44.880
Like, I was featured on Oprah's podcast.
00:42:45.039 --> 00:42:52.639
Like, yes, yes, like what like Oprah was on the vision board, yeah, and now I'm on her podcast.
00:42:52.800 --> 00:42:54.480
Like my video, what?
00:42:54.639 --> 00:42:57.599
Like, Jill Scott is following me on Instagram.
00:42:57.840 --> 00:42:59.440
Girl, I saw when you posted that.
00:42:59.519 --> 00:43:02.639
I said, You go, girl, you better have Jill Scott following you, the queen.
00:43:02.960 --> 00:43:05.280
So I'm like, what is life?
00:43:05.440 --> 00:43:08.159
Like, and I'm I'm just scratching the surface.
00:43:08.320 --> 00:43:12.400
I know I've been doing this for a long time, but I honestly feel like I'm just getting started.
00:43:12.480 --> 00:43:22.079
And there's something so much bigger that I don't even have language for that as I'm continuing on this path, like so much is gonna open up for me.
00:43:22.159 --> 00:43:25.360
And everybody is gonna watch, like, oh my gosh, I remember Jesus.
00:43:26.079 --> 00:43:26.239
Yeah.
00:43:26.559 --> 00:43:27.199
Absolutely.
00:43:27.360 --> 00:43:43.360
Because yes, I mean, right, and being on Oprah, getting your vision together, all of those things, you like I told you in a call, you embody what this series is about because it gets to a point where you recognize that you are enough.
00:43:43.599 --> 00:43:47.440
You don't have to reinvent yourself, you don't have to become somebody new.
00:43:47.679 --> 00:43:50.960
You just have to fall in and trust who you are.
00:43:51.440 --> 00:43:56.320
And that's why I wanted to talk to you and share you with my audience because that is a testament.
00:43:56.639 --> 00:43:59.760
Your life is a testament to falling into.
00:44:00.159 --> 00:44:08.320
To who you are and living on your terms and not having to be accountable to everybody all the time.
00:44:08.639 --> 00:44:10.880
And so I love that season for you.
00:44:11.039 --> 00:44:29.039
And I guess to me, what I would want to ask you is you know, now that you're here, after all of the deep learning, all of the good girl, everything, this next season of you, who are you giving yourself permission to be right now?
00:44:30.800 --> 00:44:43.039
Whomever I want to be, without judging her, like I I just I just want space to be.
00:44:43.119 --> 00:44:44.719
You know, I I really want space to be.
00:44:44.800 --> 00:44:55.679
I think when when when when your life has been like controlled in such a way for so long, like and fighting to have peace.
00:44:56.480 --> 00:45:01.760
And now being able to experience, and I don't think a lot of women know what real peace and real happiness is.
00:45:01.920 --> 00:45:03.119
Like I don't think that they know.
00:45:03.199 --> 00:45:11.440
And then when you you you have it for the first time, it can be really shocking to your nervous system because now it's like, oh wait, what have I been all this other time?
00:45:11.599 --> 00:45:15.280
Oh, this is like I'm I'm so comfortable with my life.
00:45:15.360 --> 00:45:18.880
I'm I'm comfortable with like the quietness of it all.
00:45:19.119 --> 00:45:22.559
And um, it's been a lot of work, like a lot of work to get here.
00:45:22.719 --> 00:45:29.760
And it's like it is it makes me emotional because I'm I this is what the work is for.
00:45:29.920 --> 00:45:30.880
This is what it's for.
00:45:31.039 --> 00:45:36.320
And it's just I'm just deeply, deeply grateful, deeply grateful.
00:45:36.559 --> 00:45:38.719
Oh no, I totally understand.
00:45:38.960 --> 00:45:43.840
I like I said, for you to have that in your 40s, I'm just getting it in my 50s.
00:45:43.920 --> 00:45:46.639
I'm in my middle 50s, I'm 53, about to be 54.
00:45:46.719 --> 00:45:52.880
So believe me when I tell you that I think that is such a great path for you, how freeing it is.
00:45:53.199 --> 00:45:56.239
I love it, and I appreciate everything that you're doing.
00:45:56.320 --> 00:46:03.920
So if no one is giving you your flowers, I want to give you your flowers to remind you, keep choosing you no matter what.
00:46:04.159 --> 00:46:05.440
Everyone will be okay.
00:46:05.679 --> 00:46:16.639
Yeah, they will, they will, they will, and I think that you know when it comes to like this idea of the work, right?
00:46:16.880 --> 00:46:21.920
And because the theme of your work is the falling in.
00:46:22.239 --> 00:46:30.719
Yes, I don't think that women really understand how disconnected they are and how much power you actually have.
00:46:30.800 --> 00:46:39.519
And when women realize how powerful they are, I think it will be a lead little bit easier to fall into the life that they desire.
00:46:39.760 --> 00:46:47.119
But somewhere along the way, somebody told you who you wasn't, they made you feel less than, and you're stuck in that.
00:46:47.280 --> 00:46:57.760
This is why therapy is so important to unpack and to heal, because I believe that we are going through an awakening.
00:46:57.840 --> 00:47:02.400
And I think that there's a mat, there's a second shift of this, is what I'm noticing in my work.
00:47:02.719 --> 00:47:05.679
And women are truly waking up.
00:47:06.239 --> 00:47:12.079
And it's something that you're saying, you're about to turn 40, excuse me, 54, and I am 46.
00:47:12.960 --> 00:47:18.719
And my thoughts sometimes I'm I would I wonder who I would have been if I would have known this earlier.
00:47:19.360 --> 00:47:30.559
You know, like if I knew this at 36, you know, like I wonder who I would have become, but also I know that everything works exactly the way that it's supposed to.
00:47:30.639 --> 00:47:35.199
So I I hear you when you're saying it, like, oh, you're getting this in this in your 40s.
00:47:35.360 --> 00:47:41.679
I'm like, wow, I I would have thought like 30s or something, but this is a beautiful space to be in.
00:47:42.000 --> 00:47:48.719
And you know, I I listened to Oprah a lot, and she was on a podcast, I think Kiki, I think when she was in the episode with Kiki Palmer.
00:47:48.880 --> 00:47:50.239
Yes, with Kiki Palmer, yes.
00:47:50.400 --> 00:47:52.000
It was so good, so good, right?
00:47:52.719 --> 00:47:57.440
And you know, each decade there's something more rich that's happening.
00:47:57.519 --> 00:47:59.519
And Jill Scott talked about this too.
00:47:59.840 --> 00:48:04.880
And so I'm just like, I'm excited to be living, like at this time.
00:48:05.280 --> 00:48:09.519
And what I get to do while I'm here is just I'm grateful.
00:48:09.599 --> 00:48:12.159
I keep saying grateful, but I'm in deep gratitude.
00:48:12.480 --> 00:48:15.519
Oh no, I think that is the exact posture to be in.
00:48:15.599 --> 00:48:25.840
I feel the exact same way because if you think about it, we are getting to do the things that only our mothers, our grandmothers, our great-grandmothers could only dream of.
00:48:26.000 --> 00:48:35.280
Yeah, and we owe it to ourselves and the future generations to emulate the possibilities of what we can really, really be.
00:48:35.679 --> 00:48:40.000
And you are showing us that we have lots of possibilities.
00:48:40.320 --> 00:48:43.679
You are showing us we can we can be on our grown ass woman.
00:48:43.840 --> 00:48:45.199
And I appreciate that.
00:48:45.679 --> 00:48:56.239
Yes, and so I want to make sure as we are wrapping up, I want to give you the space to tell us how we can follow you and support you because you're part of the family now, ma'am.
00:48:56.400 --> 00:48:58.320
We gotta stay connected.
00:48:58.639 --> 00:48:59.039
Thank you.
00:48:59.119 --> 00:48:59.840
I appreciate that.
00:48:59.920 --> 00:49:04.320
Listen, I'm everywhere on TikTok and Instagram, really everywhere.
00:49:04.480 --> 00:49:07.119
Um, and I'm sure you'll put the handle in the show notes.
00:49:07.280 --> 00:49:08.159
It's Shabon J.
00:49:08.320 --> 00:49:08.960
Middleton.
00:49:09.119 --> 00:49:11.440
And then my website is Freedom is the Lifestyle.
00:49:11.519 --> 00:49:18.239
And so that way you can learn way more about me and how I got to this place and working with me and things of that nature.
00:49:18.400 --> 00:49:20.400
And then I would love to gift your audience.
00:49:20.480 --> 00:49:24.159
Um, I have an amazing resource called Your Free and Beautiful Life.
00:49:24.400 --> 00:49:32.159
And it is a six-part mini video series where I am breaking down the four stages of the transformation journey.
00:49:32.320 --> 00:49:39.440
And I think it'll be a beautiful um piece of work that your audience can be a part of, and it's absolutely free.
00:49:39.760 --> 00:49:40.559
Thank you so much.
00:49:40.719 --> 00:49:43.599
Yes, I will make sure I get all the links and give that to everyone.
00:49:43.760 --> 00:49:53.760
I can't wait to check it out myself because that really, as I said, you know, continuing to untangle, continuing to grow, continuing to fall in.
00:49:53.920 --> 00:49:58.400
And I love being surrounded by women who are unapologetically choosing themselves.
00:49:58.559 --> 00:50:02.880
And so I I commend you, tip my imaginary hat to you, my love.
00:50:03.119 --> 00:50:04.000
Keep doing that.
00:50:04.559 --> 00:50:04.800
Thank you.
00:50:05.039 --> 00:50:07.199
Um, I I want to thank you for your time.
00:50:07.360 --> 00:50:08.719
Like, this has been amazing.
00:50:08.880 --> 00:50:10.159
I really appreciate it.
00:50:10.400 --> 00:50:11.360
Yeah, my pleasure.
00:50:11.519 --> 00:50:12.719
I've enjoyed this conversation.
00:50:12.800 --> 00:50:21.360
I didn't know I was gonna be as emotional as I've been, but when we're talking about things that pull on my heart strings, it's it's it's a beautiful space to be in.
00:50:21.440 --> 00:50:22.639
And I want this for all women.
00:50:22.800 --> 00:50:28.639
Like I feel like my purpose on this planet is to be a light and empower others to be free.
00:50:28.800 --> 00:50:37.920
And so whoever whomever is in a line with my work on this path, I just want, I just want you to define freedom for yourself and then live it out loud.
00:50:38.079 --> 00:50:39.039
That's important.
00:50:39.519 --> 00:50:40.559
Absolutely.
00:50:40.880 --> 00:50:45.039
And I I like I said, I'm just this is what I needed today.
00:50:45.199 --> 00:50:48.639
Every conversation has been right at the right of time.
00:50:48.719 --> 00:50:50.719
So I just want to thank you again for this.
00:50:50.880 --> 00:50:53.199
And I want to thank you guys for listening.
00:50:53.440 --> 00:50:55.199
Sioban, this has been amazing.
00:50:55.360 --> 00:50:57.119
Um, I truly appreciate you.
00:50:57.280 --> 00:50:59.039
And everyone who's listening, please.
00:50:59.119 --> 00:51:03.280
I hope that you will take care of yourselves and each other, and we will talk again soon.
00:51:03.440 --> 00:51:04.480
Bye bye.