This Can't Be Normal: When Success Starts to Feel Like Survival

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Hey everybody, welcome back to Childcare Confidential, Real Talk from the Front Lines of Early Childhood.
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I am Jessica Hampton.
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And I'm this is me.
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Yes, that is me.
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And confession before we even get started, but how many directors and owners do you think are listening to this right now in their car in the parking lot?
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Um, because the only five minutes of quiet that they're going to get today is right now.
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Oof.
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Um, pretty much all of them, every single one, probably.
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I've definitely been there, which is exactly why this episode is so important for us and why it's going to hit a little bit different today.
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I am so excited.
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Our guest today wrote a book with a title that is basically the thing every leader in our field whispers to themselves at 10 o'clock at night when they are trying to sleep, but they can't.
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The book is called This Can't Be Normal.
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What to do when success starts to feel like survival.
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I know I have been there, and I know many of you probably have too.
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She is the founder and CEO of Schools of Excellence, host of the Schools of Excellence podcast, an early childhood leadership coach who has worked with hundreds of directors and owners, even our very own Katie Denk at one point.
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And she is also a mom, Connie Wilchanski.
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Welcome to Childcare Confidential.
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Thank you for having me.
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I'm really honored to be here.
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Thank you.
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Thank you so much.
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We are so excited.
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I have been going through your book and it is fantastic.
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I actually had to get to the point where I'm like, Jess, you cannot highlight the whole book.
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You just can't.
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I went from the thick highlighter to the thin highlighter to the asterisk to the arrows, all over the place.
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But before we get into this book, why don't you give our listeners a 30-second version on who you are and how you ended up writing this book?
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Yeah, two really loaded questions.
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So I'll I'll kind of invite people in where we can meet them.
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So what led me to really write this book are questions that I started to ask myself.
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I find that in a world of AI and endless information, um, you can always find another tip, another trick, another hack.
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But what really changes the quality of your experience, whether that's in leadership and life and marriage or parenting is the quality of your question.
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And so back in 2020, like the rest of the world was experiencing this existential crisis of like, who am I?
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What's going on?
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What's what's happening in my life right now?
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Um, because uh crises do that to people.
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They are relationship accelerators, they really accelerate whatever is going on in your life, where it's like, life is too short, why am I doing this?
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Or life is too short, let's go all in and do this.
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So, some of the questions that I really started to ask myself is why does having a bigger team still leave leaders so alone?
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Why does feeling needed feel meaningful until it becomes suffocating?
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Yeah.
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Why does the very success that we go after create the overwhelm that we're trying to escape?
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And why do highly capable leaders become trapped by the very competence that created their success in the first place?
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And so these are some of the questions that invited me to start journaling and starting to really think about what is real leadership and what does it mean to build a meaningful and successful life in all the buckets of our life?
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And as I wrote it and as I started to write through different chapters, and I said, I kept saying, this can't be normal.
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This cannot be the cost of success, this cannot be the price of success, this cannot be what it means to lead a beautiful life.
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Oh, I love that.
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I love that so much.
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That's awesome.
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Um, I also love the fact that you came up through every chair in the building.
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We've noticed that as we're kind of deep diving into your book and like your background, but you weren't just handed a clipboard and kind of expected to just take over.
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You wiped the noses, you closed down the building at night, you did all of the nitty-gritties.
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And the fact that you're here is just kind of inspirational, to be honest.
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Absolutely.
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Absolutely.
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Let's start with the title because to be honest, it stopped me like cold in my tracks.
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This can't be normal.
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And if I get a little emotional, I am sorry because no, don't be sorry.
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This is emotions are emotions are language.
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I might get emotional here.
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It means that it's real.
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If we have real human emotions, it means we're not AI bots, and that's beautiful.
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So now we're having a real conversation.
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So feel free to surf that.
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I love that.
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This book spoke so much to me because I've been there.
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I've been at the top of our schools and going, This is it.
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This can't be normal.
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And so when I read the title, I was like, Oh, well, somebody else feels the way I did.
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You know.
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So it was kind of reassuring.
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But as I'm going through it and digging deeper and deeper, I'm going, yep, yep, yep.
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Okay.
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Um, so talk to us about, I guess when you first came up with that phrase that this can't be normal.
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It shows, it says so much to somebody who has worked really hard in the field and gotten there to what you feel like should be like I've arrived.
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Sure.
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So female leaders, which are the largest percentage of people that are working in childcare and really in a lot of the educational institutions, uh, female leaders are not just leaders at school, they are the primary operational and emotional shock absorbers of their entire relational ecosystems.
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So marriage, parenting, kinekeeping, daughter, um, sister, friend, uh, in leadership.
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Like a woman in a position of leadership is not just leading a school, she's leading the relational ecosystems of her life.
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And so when I talk about this can't be normal, there was a particular breaking moment.
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I had three burnout crash landings before I finally spoke to God and said, I'm listening.
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I promise you, I'm listening.
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Talk to me.
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I cannot do this again.
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So, but I needed three, right?
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One wasn't enough.
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That like that clearly wasn't loud enough.
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I needed three times for God to pull me close and say, Are you gonna listen to me?
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Like, are you really gonna listen this time?
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Because I have what to tell you.
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So I got on the phone with my mentor, and this is in part one of my book, and I said, I am exhausted.
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I need to protect my energy.
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I am so tired.
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I am this is not a tire that a nap fixes or a vacation fixes, or even, you know, eight hours of sleep.
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That is not the tire that I am feeling.
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I am exhausted from anticipating, noticing, forecasting, remembering, reminding, and being a shock absorber for everyone else's insanity and mistakes.
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And so I need to protect myself.
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And then he turned to me and said, Honey, what if you don't need to protect your energy?
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What if you could create it?
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Now, mind you, three seconds ago I said to him, Hi, I'm falling apart, I don't have energy to do anything.
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And he says, Hey, you actually don't need to protect your energy, you can create it, meaning the very thing that you think you need to protect is actually the thing that is self-generating and will restore you.
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And so that led me on a journey to really understand what does it mean to engage in work that restores us, that can help me return and anchor in myself and who I am at my core before overwhelm, grief, exhaustion, disruptive forces, government, money, financials, economy.
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Welcome, welcome to living, welcome to waking up every single morning and letting reality whip you in the face.
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Right.
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Yes, absolutely.
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Feel that.
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Yes, we do to the core.
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Can I ask you what you highlighted?
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Like, what were some of the things that really stood out to you that you're like, I wanna, I wanna do my goodness, so many things.
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I um I think that a lot of what I kind of focused on was the discernment part.
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I think that a lot of times in our field, we tend to go back to that SOP, that system.
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And you talk a lot about that in here, how we can have great systems, you know, but that's not gonna fix it if you don't follow them and use discernment.
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And so that was really big.
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But I had also reached some um points in my life around the same time where I thought I had made it, and I would lay in bed and I was just so exhausted.
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And I could get eight hours of sleep, and I'd wake up and I was just like I didn't sleep at all.
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And then there were nights when I didn't sleep at all.
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And but and in everybody's else's eyes, it was like, oh, she's doing great.
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And I felt like I was kind of dying on the inside, like this is it.
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Yeah, this is the excitement of our career in early childhood.
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Like it just something was wrong, something was broken, and it was in me, not necessarily my school.
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So that's the thing I want to challenge.
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When we reach this high pinnacle of success, high capacity leaders turn inward.
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It's me.
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I'm the bottleneck, I'm the one that's broken, it's my problem, and that's why I called it this can't be normal.
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No, you're actually not the problem.
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No, you're actually not broken.
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It is the lack of infrastructure that exists in these ecosystems that just assumes that one person should shock absorb everything, and that can't be normal.
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It isn't normal for one person to have to remember everything and remind everyone about everything and notice everything and anticipate and set people up for success.
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Another massive myth in this industry that I'd like to bust.
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Or we need to get buy-in, or we need to get everyone on the same page, all garbage.
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No, no, no, no.
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We can unpack any of them if you like.
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Like people like wherever you want me to take you.
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Like, I'm here.
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I love that.
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Oh okay.
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Well, then in the the sense of what you were just kind of talking about, I do want to push on something.
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If you're okay with it, just a little bit.
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You can push me on anything.
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I will let you know if I'm uncomfortable to the point of not speaking.
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You can push me wherever you want.
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I can't.
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Hopefully, we're gonna get you there.
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Then the audience gets to witness the show.
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Go for it.
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There we go.
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Oh, even better.
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Okay.
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Well, here in Childcare Confidential, we don't really do the polished version.
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That's kind of why we started all of this in the beginning.
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It's because you kind of have to unearth the ick a little bit.
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Just it's not always great and dandy, you know.
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Um, but a lot of leaders here, like Jess was just saying, you're exhausted and they go, Well, that's just the job.
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You better just suck it up because everybody and their brother is tired.
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But how do you tell the difference between like a normal tired and then the thing that you're describing?
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Like, what's the big difference between I love this question?
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Okay.
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So um, I'll tell you a story.
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Okay.
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So I love telling stories.
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So Esther Perrell uh is a psychotherapist based out of New York City.
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She has a podcast, Where Should We Begin?
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And uh, she's been in practice for almost 40 years.
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Um, she's has some really great work, but one of the stories that she tells often is she's a child of Holocaust survivors.
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Both her parents uh were the sole survivors of their entire family.
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And she said when she was growing up, there were certain homes that she was in that they weren't dead, but they weren't alive.
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And there were certain homes that she walked into where there was a sense of aliveness.
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She said, I grew up in a home where my parents said we didn't survive for nothing.
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We will live.
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There will be a sense of vitality, vivaciousness, and aliveness in this home.
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And she saw the stark difference, right?
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Because all her friends were children of Holocaust survivors, right?
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That's the community that she grew up in.
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And she brought this thread into her line of work.
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And so when I think of your question of, well, everyone is tired, right?
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There is a tire that comes with this sense of pride of, I'm tired from a beautiful day of work.
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I'm tired from a beautiful day of meaningful work, but we never lose our sense of aliveness, our sense of who are we when we're not producing, outputting, forecasting, anticipating, and doing all of these things.
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And so most people come to me at that point when they are numb.
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They are losing their aliveness, they don't know who they are anymore.
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They don't know what they like to drink in the morning for coffee, they don't know what they like to eat for supper, they don't even know what their food preferences are, they don't know what their favorite colors are, they have no idea what they even like to do for pleasure.
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Like, how am I supposed to know all of this?
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Like, my life is always orchestrating about what is good for everyone else.
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What does my husband need?
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What do my kids need?
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What do my staff need?
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What do my directors need?
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What does this one need?
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Everything is about what does everyone need?
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And that was my breaking point where I said, every single human who is in my orbit has the most beautiful life in the world, except for me, because I am funding it with my invisible labor, and that can't be normal.
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Every single person gets to enjoy the beautiful experiences because you create them.
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But when do you get to inhabit the experiences that you create?
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Never.
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And that can't be normal.
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That is the kind of exhaustion that leaders are begging for relief from.
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And they think that systems, processes, softwares, EOS, and all kinds of bullshit are gonna actually get them the relief that they want.
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I'm a New Yorker, so you'll let me know if I can't uh No, I love it.
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You're good.
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Okay, for real.
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That's at the core of it.
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Does that answer your question, Katie?
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And you can feel free to ask me.
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Okay.
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No, yeah, that was really good.
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Gave me goose pimples.
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How about that?
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That's where we're at.
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You know, I feel that yeah, I would look at that.
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And the way you said it was was great because the way I was viewing it before reading the book was that I give a piece of myself to every other else, and I feel like it's just give, give, give, give, give, give, give.
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Yes.
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And at the end, I'm going, well, what's there left to give?
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But also, when is it my turn for kids?
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Yeah, when does someone check on me and say, How are you, Jessica?
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But not how are you, so they can gauge, can I extract from you?
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Can I take something from you right now?
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Right?
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Because the how are you always has an agenda.
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Very few people actually want to know how you are at your core.
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Because we train people that way.
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We train people that we are smart and capable and independent and strong and all of these things, and we will figure everything out.
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So, really, what we do constantly is we send a message.
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I'm not really human, I don't really have limitations, I don't really have a beautiful heart and soul that also needs nurturing and love and care.
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You guys all need that, and I'll give that to all of you.
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And one day I'll get my thing, but I don't really need that.
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No, you do own the wanting.
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You do need care, you do need someone to look after you, you do want someone to check on you, you do want someone to come and say, Jessica, enrollment's down by 10%.
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Here are the three things that I'm doing to get it up again.
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I'm gonna run this experiment, this experiment, and this experiment.
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And after those fail, and if it doesn't, I'll come back and I'll let you know what else is going on.
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Don't worry about anything.
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You deserve that.
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Oh man, isn't that a beautiful picture?
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I know I have recently gotten that with Katie joining our team as our executive director, but I've been through those stages too, where you every how are you is loaded with more questions and more information that's wanted from you.
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So I thought, let's make an SOP for that.
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You know, it'll fix everything.
00:17:44.400 --> 00:18:03.200
And it wasn't fixing what was broken inside of me, which is why I think that one of the biggest things that stuck out in your book to me, and honestly, I'm usually not an emotional basket case, but I was even crying when I read this because it just gave me a chance to exhale a little bit.
00:18:03.519 --> 00:18:07.119
But you said in the book that you're not drowning because you're weak.
00:18:09.119 --> 00:18:14.799
And I was like, No, no, no, stay with it, stay with it.
00:18:15.119 --> 00:18:24.799
As a good leader, like I have been taught my whole life do better, work harder, do more, and everything will be okay.
00:18:25.680 --> 00:18:30.799
And I was at the top of where I was like, okay, well, everything's great, everything's perfect.
00:18:31.039 --> 00:18:32.480
What more do I need to do?
00:18:32.640 --> 00:18:39.200
But I still felt like I was drowning and I felt like I was weak because I felt like it wasn't enough.
00:18:39.359 --> 00:18:41.039
Everything I was doing wasn't enough.
00:18:41.519 --> 00:18:42.720
And that can't be normal.
00:18:43.279 --> 00:18:48.960
It can't be, and it brings this piece of shame to you when you think that way.
00:18:49.279 --> 00:18:49.519
Yeah.
00:18:49.680 --> 00:18:57.920
And I think that a lot of leaders out there really need to hear this and read the book because a lot of times we think we're the problem.
00:18:58.079 --> 00:19:01.359
Like I'm not good enough because I can't do more.
00:19:01.920 --> 00:19:12.240
We're conditioned that way from society, we're conditioned that way that women are the nurturers, the caretakers, the intuitive ones, the ones with the sixth sense.
00:19:12.400 --> 00:19:19.599
And so we're schooled very, very young to take care of other people and to be there for other people.
00:19:19.759 --> 00:19:20.720
And it's beautiful.
00:19:20.960 --> 00:19:25.680
I'm not saying lose that beautiful side of you that is nurturing.
00:19:26.160 --> 00:19:30.960
And remember that you're a human who also has needs.
00:19:31.119 --> 00:19:50.319
What happens is that as we enter leadership, we forget our humanity, that we also have a need and a desire to be nurtured and taken care of and treasured and pursued and taken care of because we all need that as part of our humanity.
00:19:50.640 --> 00:19:57.680
But we try to close off our humanity as we go after these big, audacious goals of success.
00:19:57.920 --> 00:20:08.000
And what I illustrate through the book, through a lot of different personal stories and then client stories, and all of these things is that what we're seeking is integration of ourselves.
00:20:08.240 --> 00:20:15.839
Yes, we have these ambitious, amazing parts of us that are going to go after and big, big, big, big dreams.
00:20:15.920 --> 00:20:17.359
Damn, I can't say anything.
00:20:17.519 --> 00:20:33.200
Um, but and at the same time, we are humans that want connection and meaning and intimacy and to be seen and to be witnessed.
00:20:33.839 --> 00:20:38.960
I didn't solve anything for you while you read that book, but you felt seen.
00:20:39.440 --> 00:20:42.559
You felt now I'm not invisible.
00:20:43.119 --> 00:20:49.519
And that moment of feeling witnessed is the exhale that leaders desire more than anything.
00:20:49.759 --> 00:20:56.240
It's I don't need giant thank yous all day long, but do you see what it costs me to do this?
00:20:56.480 --> 00:21:01.440
Do you understand what it takes to be this person for everyone?
00:21:01.680 --> 00:21:10.960
And that's what happens because you are so good at it, the more invisible you become because everyone forgets that someone's holding this bridge together.
00:21:11.279 --> 00:21:12.720
Yes, yes.
00:21:13.119 --> 00:21:17.359
You're often the invisible, you know, like you talked about invisible labor.
00:21:17.839 --> 00:21:23.200
We're giving and giving and giving, and people don't see how much it really costs.
00:21:23.920 --> 00:21:26.400
Yeah, so think about solitary confinement.
00:21:26.559 --> 00:21:28.640
Why is that such a harsh punishment?
00:21:28.720 --> 00:21:30.720
Why is that the ultimate punishment?
00:21:31.680 --> 00:21:35.359
Because we're so alone national creatures, yeah.
00:21:35.599 --> 00:21:40.640
When I think solitary confinement, they're invisible to the world.
00:21:42.240 --> 00:21:47.359
And I think in our world, leaders, directors of schools, they feel so alone.
00:21:48.319 --> 00:21:49.440
It's invisible.
00:21:50.000 --> 00:21:54.960
It's because here's the thing they have a giant team, like I started in the beginning.
00:21:55.119 --> 00:21:59.119
Why does a bigger team still make you feel so alone?
00:21:59.359 --> 00:22:01.599
You're You're not physically alone.
00:22:01.759 --> 00:22:04.720
You actually have an amazing team that's staffed.
00:22:04.880 --> 00:22:06.240
You have a great teachers.
00:22:06.319 --> 00:22:06.960
You have parents.
00:22:07.039 --> 00:22:07.599
You have kids.
00:22:07.680 --> 00:22:08.960
You are not alone.
00:22:09.519 --> 00:22:11.920
You are invisible in your life.
00:22:12.720 --> 00:22:14.640
And that can be normal.
00:22:15.119 --> 00:22:15.680
It doesn't matter.
00:22:15.839 --> 00:22:17.519
Jessica and I were actually feel it.
00:22:17.759 --> 00:22:26.799
We were talking about that this morning, but like the invisible weight language and how it just kind of lives rent-free in people's heads.
00:22:26.960 --> 00:22:29.359
I think it's going to continue to do so.
00:22:29.920 --> 00:22:32.079
It yeah, it's intense.
00:22:32.640 --> 00:22:33.279
Yeah.
00:22:33.519 --> 00:22:37.440
Um, let's talk about one of the things that you had mentioned.
00:22:37.680 --> 00:22:45.440
Systems create structure, standards create clarity, but only rhythms create safety.
00:22:45.759 --> 00:22:51.680
Can you unpack that for the director who's maybe ready for the summer this year?
00:22:51.839 --> 00:23:01.279
And maybe they got a brand new handbook or they're just starting their summer program and kind of out there doing the day-to-day, what that really looks like.
00:23:01.519 --> 00:23:03.039
Because that stood out to me too.
00:23:03.200 --> 00:23:04.240
We need rhythm.
00:23:05.119 --> 00:23:05.680
Yeah.
00:23:05.920 --> 00:23:09.359
So systems create structure, right?
00:23:10.559 --> 00:23:11.920
We all need systems, right?
00:23:12.000 --> 00:23:14.400
I have a whole chapter called The False Promise of Systems.
00:23:14.559 --> 00:23:21.519
And I write clearly that I'm not negating how important systems are, but it is incomplete.
00:23:21.920 --> 00:23:23.839
So systems create structure.
00:23:24.000 --> 00:23:30.160
You need a system for onboarding, for offboarding, for bringing parents in, for payment processing, for all of these things.
00:23:30.319 --> 00:23:32.079
You must you must have systems.
00:23:32.160 --> 00:23:36.960
You can't reinvent it every single time someone needs to, you know, process their payment.
00:23:37.039 --> 00:23:38.720
Like you need a payment processing system.
00:23:38.880 --> 00:23:39.200
Okay.
00:23:39.440 --> 00:23:45.359
That the leader was listening to this, like, I'm not talking to the leader who like doesn't even have a credit card processing machine.
00:23:45.440 --> 00:23:54.480
Like, we are talking to people that are at the top of their game, that have every system, they have biohacked their life, they have systematized to death, and they're still tired and exhausted.
00:23:54.559 --> 00:23:55.839
Like that's what this book is for.
00:23:56.480 --> 00:24:00.480
This is not for the person who's like, I'm one year in and I don't have any systems yet.
00:24:00.640 --> 00:24:06.640
Please go build all of your systems and then we'll have you need some systems, okay?
00:24:06.799 --> 00:24:08.319
You need structure, okay?
00:24:08.559 --> 00:24:10.400
That's not the person I'm talking to.
00:24:10.559 --> 00:24:10.880
Okay.
00:24:11.440 --> 00:24:15.039
So systems create structure, standards create clarity.
00:24:15.359 --> 00:24:18.880
Okay, what are the standards here?
00:24:19.119 --> 00:24:22.319
What is okay and not okay here, right?
00:24:22.480 --> 00:24:26.640
Now, leaders want to be the nice one, the kind one, right?
00:24:26.720 --> 00:24:31.599
So they create a standard, and then the teacher's like, well, I don't believe in that.
00:24:31.759 --> 00:24:33.839
Well, why do I have to cover my tattoos?
00:24:33.920 --> 00:24:35.759
Like, I think tattoos should be fully exposed.
00:24:35.839 --> 00:24:37.279
It's an expression of myself.
00:24:37.519 --> 00:24:38.880
Like, why should I have to cover them?
00:24:38.960 --> 00:24:41.200
It's like, well, this is the standard in our school.
00:24:41.359 --> 00:24:45.359
If you want to work here, you need to cut, but it feels very inhibiting.
00:24:45.440 --> 00:24:47.599
Like, why are you like crushing myself?
00:24:47.680 --> 00:24:49.359
Like, I feel like you're crushing my soul.
00:24:49.519 --> 00:24:51.279
Okay, well, maybe this is gonna fit.
00:24:51.359 --> 00:24:55.599
Maybe you don't belong working here because our standards are you need to cover your tattoos.
00:24:55.680 --> 00:24:57.359
I don't have anything against tattoos.
00:24:57.519 --> 00:25:00.319
I'm just telling you that in our company, this is our standard.
00:25:00.480 --> 00:25:01.599
But leaders don't do that.
00:25:01.759 --> 00:25:03.920
They're like, okay, it's fine, it's okay.
00:25:04.000 --> 00:25:05.279
Maybe we don't really need that standard.
00:25:05.359 --> 00:25:08.160
Like, it's okay, it's it's okay, it's it's kind of okay.
00:25:08.480 --> 00:25:12.880
No, when a leader says it's okay, they're managing their own discomfort.
00:25:13.599 --> 00:25:25.680
Every time a leader says it's okay, when it's not okay, you're managing your own discomfort, which means when you say it's okay, what are you really saying?
00:25:25.839 --> 00:25:31.759
I don't want to be seen as demanding, I don't want to be seen as this, I don't want them to leave me, I don't want them to do X, Y, and Z.
00:25:31.839 --> 00:25:33.519
So I'm just gonna say it's okay.
00:25:33.839 --> 00:25:35.119
But it's not okay.
00:25:35.359 --> 00:25:36.480
It's not okay.
00:25:36.640 --> 00:25:41.519
And so you create ambiguity and confusion inside of the organization.
00:25:41.759 --> 00:25:48.319
So standards create clarity, and I go that in deep in the integrity of standards chapters, you guys can go deeper inside of there.
00:25:49.119 --> 00:26:00.880
Even when you have systems with your structure and you have clear standards of clarity, rhythms create safety because we need a predictable return.
00:26:01.279 --> 00:26:13.039
So a rhythm is a repeated intentional pattern of behavior that anchors an entire ecosystem, whether that's yourself, your school, your marriage, entire ecosystems.
00:26:13.359 --> 00:26:21.359
Now, a rhythm has three parts, and this is why it is different than a ritual, a habit, a system, a blah, blah, blah, fill in the blank.
00:26:21.440 --> 00:26:21.759
Okay.
00:26:22.319 --> 00:26:24.640
A good rhythm has three parts.
00:26:24.799 --> 00:26:31.440
It is one pre-decided income, not renegotiated under pressure.
00:26:31.680 --> 00:26:33.599
So a rhythm is predecided.
00:26:33.680 --> 00:26:35.440
It is predecided in advance.
00:26:35.680 --> 00:26:48.720
This is non-negotiable, which means even when licensing shows up and there's a flu, and four teachers called out, and you had a biting incident, and someone had a baby, this still stands.
00:26:49.039 --> 00:27:01.039
Because if it doesn't, then you renegotiated it under pressure, which means it's not a rhythm, which means it's not a predictable return, which means I can't exhale and be safe here yet.
00:27:01.359 --> 00:27:05.359
Because safety is only if everything works out properly.
00:27:05.680 --> 00:27:10.319
Good luck with every single the way that you want it to.
00:27:10.640 --> 00:27:16.400
So we one pre-decided income, it is not renegotiated under pressure.
00:27:16.720 --> 00:27:24.559
Two, it is mood proof, it is not negotiated under, I didn't really feel like doing it today.
00:27:24.640 --> 00:27:28.720
I know that I have to do one-on-ones, but it was just kind of feeling a little inauthentic.
00:27:28.960 --> 00:27:34.799
So I kind of like tapped in with my inner self and I decided that I should just like push off the one-on-ones.
00:27:35.440 --> 00:27:36.160
I'm sorry.
00:27:36.319 --> 00:27:39.839
Did uh did I ask you for cycle babble like inner like childhood?
00:27:40.160 --> 00:27:44.319
Like it's it's Tuesday, and we do one-on-ones on Tuesday.
00:27:44.400 --> 00:27:46.079
Yeah, but it wasn't feeling like it.
00:27:46.319 --> 00:27:48.319
Who asked you if you're feeling like it?
00:27:48.720 --> 00:27:49.839
Mood proof.
00:27:50.000 --> 00:27:55.039
It's mood proof, which means you don't negotiate with it.
00:27:55.359 --> 00:28:03.039
Now, the third part of a rhythm is what anchors it all together, and this is what creates safety, it's identity giving.
00:28:03.599 --> 00:28:07.119
Who am I when I show up for this rhythm?
00:28:07.519 --> 00:28:11.519
Who am I when I don't negotiate a gratitude rhythm?
00:28:11.839 --> 00:28:20.559
That even when I walk into the building and I feel like I want to strangle everyone silently because everyone's pissing me off, but it's my gratitude rhythm day.
00:28:20.640 --> 00:28:33.519
I walk around and I look for the good because it's mood proof, which means even though I don't feel like giving people gratitude today, I will show up for it because in the act of showing up for it, guess what?
00:28:33.599 --> 00:28:38.319
I'm gonna find good in other people when I show up for that rhythm.
00:28:38.480 --> 00:28:51.279
And that's what creates safety because what it communicates to your people consistently, predictably, and reliably is this leader is steady no matter what's going on.
00:28:51.519 --> 00:28:57.359
She's not only steady when things are going well, and she's not steady, right?
00:28:57.440 --> 00:28:59.440
So leaders are like, No, I'm steady in crisis.
00:28:59.519 --> 00:29:02.400
I'm like, yeah, at the cost of your life.
00:29:02.640 --> 00:29:04.240
You shock absorb it.
00:29:04.400 --> 00:29:06.559
You say, I got this, I got this, I got this.
00:29:06.720 --> 00:29:09.119
You smile, even then when you're dying inside, right?
00:29:09.200 --> 00:29:12.240
You tell everyone I can handle it, and then you're up for six hours in the middle of the night.
00:29:12.319 --> 00:29:17.920
You're like, no, I got this, and then you're sitting on date night on your 25th wedding anniversary with your spouse, and you're answering slap messages.
00:29:18.160 --> 00:29:27.599
Well, I'm sorry, no, that's not called goting it, that's called lying to your staff and putting something else over here, and that can't be normal.
00:29:27.920 --> 00:29:30.720
Hi, my name's Jessica, and you just described my life.
00:29:30.880 --> 00:29:33.759
I was gonna say, I feel like we got a little called out just now.
00:29:33.920 --> 00:29:34.640
That's okay.
00:29:36.400 --> 00:29:39.599
But this is I mean, but that's real.
00:29:39.680 --> 00:29:41.200
That's I did this.
00:29:41.359 --> 00:29:42.960
Yes, I did this my whole life.
00:29:43.039 --> 00:29:43.839
I did this.
00:29:44.079 --> 00:29:45.039
This was me.
00:29:45.519 --> 00:29:48.559
It it's so it's mind-blowing to me.
00:29:48.640 --> 00:29:53.680
It's so refreshing to read something that you resonate with so much.
00:29:54.640 --> 00:29:55.839
It's yeah.
00:29:56.079 --> 00:29:59.039
I'm so glad you put the words on paper.
00:29:59.440 --> 00:29:59.920
Thank you.
00:30:00.240 --> 00:30:01.119
Labor of love.
00:30:01.279 --> 00:30:01.680
Thank you.
00:30:02.559 --> 00:30:10.400
But I do, I do think, I mean, at least myself, I can't speak in on behalf of Jess, even though we are very similar in a lot of ways.
00:30:10.559 --> 00:30:15.839
But when we feel the chaos, at least my instinct is I need a system or a spreadsheet.
00:30:16.000 --> 00:30:17.759
Jess will tell you that I am the queen of spreadsheets.
00:30:18.000 --> 00:30:21.039
I think they could solve basically anything, probably wrong.
00:30:21.599 --> 00:30:28.559
Um, or I need another policy, because then there's the expectations, and like at least you have what you need for the said expectation.
00:30:28.799 --> 00:30:32.079
But what you're saying is that using let me ask you a question.
00:30:32.160 --> 00:30:33.839
Yeah, why do you lean on that first?
00:30:34.000 --> 00:30:36.400
Why are those the first things you run to?
00:30:38.319 --> 00:30:41.359
Honestly, because it's something that's in my direct control.
00:30:41.680 --> 00:30:49.839
Yeah, I feel like that gives me some sense of grounding, and then I can better utilize myself to be a resource to the staff when they're in need of it.
00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:53.359
At least as my hindsight look at it.
00:30:53.440 --> 00:30:58.480
Now, after hearing all of your great things and reading your book, who created the chaos?
00:30:58.960 --> 00:30:59.519
Do what?
00:31:00.000 --> 00:31:03.200
Who created the chaos that you're creating a spreadsheet for?
00:31:05.680 --> 00:31:07.519
Let's the team's on the day.
00:31:07.759 --> 00:31:10.559
Probably the team, the parents, the family.
00:31:10.880 --> 00:31:11.920
Who created the chaos?
00:31:12.000 --> 00:31:13.519
Did you create the chaos?
00:31:14.079 --> 00:31:14.880
Nope.
00:31:15.200 --> 00:31:15.519
No.
00:31:16.240 --> 00:31:17.759
So give me an example.
00:31:17.920 --> 00:31:21.920
Who created the chaos that you decided I need a policy now?
00:31:23.039 --> 00:31:25.839
Okay, super specific example.
00:31:26.160 --> 00:31:31.119
We try to give a lot, we give a lot of autonomy to our directors who are incredible.
00:31:31.200 --> 00:31:33.119
They're great leaders in so many ways.
00:31:33.279 --> 00:31:37.359
Um, but we have a policy that the kiddos have to be dropped off at a certain time every single day.
00:31:37.519 --> 00:31:39.200
Like that's the expectation for the parents.
00:31:39.279 --> 00:31:41.680
It's a policy because that's when all of our learning happens.
00:31:41.920 --> 00:31:49.119
Well, we started to have more parents that would kind of go against it and they would have the reasons and the stories and why they couldn't be there on time.
00:31:49.200 --> 00:31:51.920
And our directors were like, Well, that's not the hill I want to die on.
00:31:52.079 --> 00:31:53.759
So they would just kind of let it go.
00:31:54.000 --> 00:31:56.400
But then I was like, no, no, no, we cannot do that.
00:31:56.559 --> 00:31:59.519
There's policy in place, you're expected to do such a thing.
00:31:59.680 --> 00:32:02.319
This is why it's written very clearly in our handbooks.
00:32:02.559 --> 00:32:03.440
But it's the accountability.
00:32:03.680 --> 00:32:05.599
Why would the policy make them change behavior?
00:32:06.640 --> 00:32:07.279
No, it did not.
00:32:07.920 --> 00:32:11.839
It was the accountability that that shifted it for us in that sense.
00:32:12.079 --> 00:32:13.200
What was the accountability?
00:32:13.279 --> 00:32:14.240
What did you do?
00:32:14.799 --> 00:32:20.720
Um, I started making sure that the school that needed my well, not even my attention, but needed the extra support.
00:32:20.880 --> 00:32:30.480
I made sure I was well aware and present so the teachers and the directors could see that I had that expectation and it wasn't just on a piece of paper, it was in real life.
00:32:30.720 --> 00:32:30.960
Great.
00:32:31.039 --> 00:32:33.759
You funded it again with your shock absorber.
00:32:34.000 --> 00:32:34.720
Oh goodness.
00:32:35.039 --> 00:32:41.119
Again, you funded it with your body.
00:32:41.759 --> 00:32:44.799
Proximity will create accountability.
00:32:45.279 --> 00:32:59.759
And then leaders cry and wonder why when they're in their 50s and 60s and they want to sell or exit and they have every system and process documented, but they cannot sell the business because they're still the business.
00:33:00.000 --> 00:33:00.640
Yeah.
00:33:02.079 --> 00:33:10.000
So accountability is not I go to the building so I can model to you what it looks like.
00:33:10.160 --> 00:33:14.799
That's more performing confusion, which I talk about in chapter two of my book.
00:33:15.039 --> 00:33:18.079
Okay, that's your team communicating to you.
00:33:18.319 --> 00:33:22.400
I need you to actually come show me what that looks like.
00:33:22.720 --> 00:33:24.720
No, you're not seven.
00:33:24.960 --> 00:33:28.400
This isn't the second grade, you're a grown-up.
00:33:28.640 --> 00:33:34.000
And therefore, when I tell you that the parents need to come on time, right?
00:33:34.079 --> 00:33:39.359
And the director has resistance and says, it's not the hill I want to die on.
00:33:39.759 --> 00:33:42.000
This is the school standard.
00:33:42.799 --> 00:33:52.240
Walk me through why you chose to dishonor the school standard and chose your comfort instead.
00:33:52.559 --> 00:33:57.119
Because in the moment of telling the parent it's okay, you made a trade-off.
00:33:57.359 --> 00:34:02.640
You chose your comfort and relief over protecting the company's standard.
00:34:02.880 --> 00:34:11.119
And your job as a director is not protecting your comfort, it is protecting company standards.
00:34:11.440 --> 00:34:13.360
So, why did you do that?
00:34:13.679 --> 00:34:16.559
What would they answer you if you asked that question?
00:34:17.599 --> 00:34:22.639
To be honest, I don't think they would have a reason off of the top of their head.
00:34:22.719 --> 00:34:27.039
I think they would probably have a hard time coming up with terms of what that would look like.
00:34:27.360 --> 00:34:29.360
So, what is the assumption under that?
00:34:29.440 --> 00:34:33.599
Why does someone choose their comfort over protecting company standards?
00:34:34.719 --> 00:34:36.960
They don't like the conflict.
00:34:37.280 --> 00:34:39.920
Yeah, they don't like the way that it feels.
00:34:40.159 --> 00:34:44.559
It doesn't make them feel very good when they have to go look at someone and tell them X, Y, and Z.
00:34:44.719 --> 00:34:46.000
So what do they do instead?
00:34:46.159 --> 00:34:47.360
They perform confusion.
00:34:47.519 --> 00:34:49.760
Katie, I don't really understand what you want me to do.
00:34:49.920 --> 00:34:51.840
I'm not really sure what to do when this parent says this.
00:34:52.000 --> 00:34:53.199
I don't really know what to do in this.
00:34:53.360 --> 00:34:54.559
We need a better system for this.
00:34:54.639 --> 00:34:57.679
If we have a spreadsheet that answers all of these kinds of questions, then I'll know what to do.
00:34:57.760 --> 00:34:59.360
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:34:59.599 --> 00:35:03.920
Which basically means accountability gets pushed down the road, pushed down the road, pushed down the road, pushed down the road.
00:35:04.079 --> 00:35:07.760
Katie steps in, shock absorb, shock absorb, shock absorb until Katie's dying inside.
00:35:07.920 --> 00:35:10.000
103 fevers can't show up that day.
00:35:10.079 --> 00:35:14.400
And then she's like, Holy shit, why does everything route back to me?
00:35:14.559 --> 00:35:16.800
I have every system process and checklist.
00:35:16.960 --> 00:35:18.800
Can't you guys be grown-ups?
00:35:19.039 --> 00:35:26.880
Yeah, they could if you let them and let them meet the consequences of their actions.
00:35:27.519 --> 00:35:31.440
They are not meeting the consequences of their actions.
00:35:31.920 --> 00:35:35.679
You made a choice to let the parent do X, Y, and Z.
00:35:35.840 --> 00:35:37.840
What is the consequence for that?
00:35:38.719 --> 00:35:42.960
Consequence isn't punishment, it is predictable safety.
00:35:43.280 --> 00:35:52.719
When you made a choice to choose your comfort over company standards, you created unsafety in the organization.
00:35:52.880 --> 00:36:00.960
Because one of the reasons that we choose this standard is because it creates safety and predictability for the children's learning environment.
00:36:01.119 --> 00:36:08.800
And you made a choice to say, I choose my pleasure over the kids' safety and learning.
00:36:09.039 --> 00:36:12.079
When you explain it that way, guess what happens?
00:36:12.239 --> 00:36:14.079
They have to meet reality.
00:36:14.480 --> 00:36:20.400
And reality is telling them, oh my God, I'm actually not such a great director in my behavior.
00:36:20.559 --> 00:36:21.519
I'm a good person.
00:36:21.679 --> 00:36:23.280
I didn't say you're not a good person.
00:36:23.440 --> 00:36:24.800
You are an amazing person.
00:36:25.039 --> 00:36:26.800
Your behavior sucks.
00:36:27.119 --> 00:36:30.400
You need to go fix your behavior right now.
00:36:30.639 --> 00:36:32.800
That's what needs to change.
00:36:33.599 --> 00:36:34.480
I love that.
00:36:34.639 --> 00:36:35.039
I love that.
00:36:35.360 --> 00:36:36.559
I like the mic drop too.
00:36:36.719 --> 00:36:38.239
That was a nice touch at the end there.
00:36:40.719 --> 00:36:41.599
I love that.
00:36:41.679 --> 00:36:43.920
That is, you are speaking my language.
00:36:44.079 --> 00:36:45.280
Um, so we've never.
00:36:47.119 --> 00:36:50.079
Why do leaders resist giving consequences?
00:36:51.199 --> 00:36:53.119
They don't want to be not liked.
00:36:53.360 --> 00:36:53.599
Right.
00:36:54.159 --> 00:36:54.880
My goodness.
00:36:55.119 --> 00:36:56.800
Nobody likes to be unliked.
00:36:56.960 --> 00:36:57.519
My goodness.
00:36:58.480 --> 00:36:59.119
Why?
00:37:01.519 --> 00:37:04.639
Why are we so afraid to be not liked?
00:37:05.039 --> 00:37:06.159
What is that?
00:37:07.440 --> 00:37:09.599
That's definitely some insecurity.
00:37:10.559 --> 00:37:11.679
What do I have as well?
00:37:11.920 --> 00:37:16.480
I mean, I'm not in that position necessarily for myself, but I can definitely understand.
00:37:18.880 --> 00:37:19.039
Okay.
00:37:19.599 --> 00:37:23.920
It's not just this position, Katie, in your marriage, in your parenting, in your relationships.
00:37:24.159 --> 00:37:27.519
Why are we so afraid to be unliked?
00:37:29.360 --> 00:37:33.519
I think that's just natural to feel like you want to be liked by everybody.
00:37:33.679 --> 00:37:41.840
Yes, because in human history, being unliked threatened survival.
00:37:43.199 --> 00:37:55.280
Belonging meant access to food, protection, shelter, mating, shared resources, all the things that you need to belong into a community.
00:37:55.440 --> 00:38:03.280
And so if you were rejected from the community, you would risk starvation, death, all kinds of stuff.
00:38:03.519 --> 00:38:03.840
Okay.
00:38:04.320 --> 00:38:12.400
And so social exclusion, not being liked, carries insanely high stakes.
00:38:14.239 --> 00:38:17.760
If people are upset with me, I am unsafe.
00:38:20.400 --> 00:38:30.480
Yeah, I think that as a director in a school, if your team does not like you, I think that you start to feel like, well, maybe they're gonna put in their notice.
00:38:30.960 --> 00:38:31.599
And then what?
00:38:31.760 --> 00:38:32.960
What are they worried about?
00:38:33.519 --> 00:38:33.840
Right.
00:38:34.079 --> 00:38:35.760
Well, then I'm gonna be short-staffed.
00:38:36.000 --> 00:38:39.039
Like we go down this rabbit hole of emotion.
00:38:39.440 --> 00:38:40.719
Yes, yes.
00:38:41.039 --> 00:38:53.599
Here is the question to Silvia Can I tolerate someone else's temporary discomfort without abandoning myself and my own standards.
00:38:53.920 --> 00:39:02.639
And so the discomfort that we talk about is stay connected to you while staying connected to the other person.
00:39:03.280 --> 00:39:18.000
Lisa, I know how difficult it is that when parents come in and give you all of their legitimate reasons why they came late, I understand how uncomfortable it is to let the parent know that this is still the standard.
00:39:18.159 --> 00:39:19.119
It isn't easy.
00:39:19.199 --> 00:39:21.199
I'm not telling you it's easy.
00:39:21.519 --> 00:39:24.800
Given that it's hard, what is your plan?
00:39:25.679 --> 00:39:29.679
Given that this is difficult for you, what is your plan?
00:39:29.920 --> 00:39:31.199
But leaders don't do that.
00:39:31.280 --> 00:39:34.400
They say, given that it's hard, I'll absorb it.
00:39:34.559 --> 00:39:44.480
I'll do it, I'll make it easier for you, I'll grease the slide, I'll make the SOP, I'll be the person who makes everything easier for you.
00:39:44.639 --> 00:39:48.320
And then the leader says, Why do I have babies in my building?
00:39:48.559 --> 00:39:53.119
Well, is anyone in your building doing anything hard and uncomfortable?
00:39:53.280 --> 00:39:57.440
Or the second things get hard, it routes back to you, right?
00:39:57.599 --> 00:40:00.639
So this is why I tell the book, no, no, no, my directors take care of everything.
00:40:00.719 --> 00:40:02.400
I'm like, I know, until the stakes are high.
00:40:02.480 --> 00:40:09.360
And then when the stakes are high, it routes back to you, which means everyone plays pretend and you're the only one that's working.
00:40:09.599 --> 00:40:11.199
Let that sit with you for a second.
00:40:12.480 --> 00:40:17.199
Everyone plays pretend you're the only one that's working.
00:40:17.440 --> 00:40:24.639
Because everyone gets to play director until shit gets real, and then you step in, which means they play and pretend.
00:40:24.719 --> 00:40:26.079
I'm playing cows, right?
00:40:26.159 --> 00:40:27.199
I'm playing director.
00:40:27.360 --> 00:40:29.840
But when shit gets real, you'll cover for me.
00:40:30.000 --> 00:40:31.280
You'll cover for me.
00:40:31.599 --> 00:40:34.639
And then we glorify that at conferences and events.
00:40:34.800 --> 00:40:35.760
Oh, that's your job.
00:40:35.920 --> 00:40:41.519
Your job is to cover for people, your job is to be the ultimate shock absorber until you're on a lifeline.
00:40:43.920 --> 00:40:44.400
Wow.
00:40:44.639 --> 00:40:48.719
Yeah, I mean, I have I have been there and done that for years and years.
00:40:49.119 --> 00:40:50.239
We've all been there, Job.
00:40:50.639 --> 00:40:51.679
Now, let me tell you something.
00:40:51.840 --> 00:40:54.159
This is everyone reaches a point, okay?
00:40:54.239 --> 00:40:56.800
This is like it's called unteachable wisdom, okay?
00:40:57.039 --> 00:41:02.239
Everyone reaches a point where they finally say, This can't be normal.
00:41:02.480 --> 00:41:06.800
But you have to pay the price because first you start to pay for it with your time.
00:41:06.880 --> 00:41:08.239
You're like, I have time over here.
00:41:08.320 --> 00:41:12.159
I could squeeze four more seconds here, and then while I'm on the toilet, I can answer this message.
00:41:12.239 --> 00:41:13.920
And I could squeeze four more seconds here.
00:41:14.000 --> 00:41:15.360
So you pay for it with your time.
00:41:15.519 --> 00:41:17.199
But eventually there's no more time.
00:41:17.360 --> 00:41:19.519
So then you start to pay for it with your invisible labor.
00:41:19.679 --> 00:41:21.920
You're like, Well, I'll think about it at two in the morning.
00:41:22.000 --> 00:41:23.280
I'll think about it on my way to Target.
00:41:23.360 --> 00:41:25.760
I'll think about it while I'm driving, I'll think about it there, right?
00:41:25.840 --> 00:41:27.599
And then you pay for it with your invisible labor.
00:41:27.679 --> 00:41:28.000
Okay.
00:41:28.159 --> 00:41:29.599
Then you start to pay for it with money.
00:41:29.760 --> 00:41:34.000
I'll hire someone else, I'll buy another software, I'll bring another consultant, I'll hire another trainer.
00:41:34.320 --> 00:41:35.679
Money, money, money, money, money.
00:41:35.760 --> 00:41:38.079
And eventually you're like, money isn't solving this.
00:41:38.320 --> 00:41:44.159
And eventually you pay for it with your aliveness, with your life.
00:41:44.800 --> 00:41:47.920
You are hollow and dead inside.
00:41:48.079 --> 00:41:52.079
And that is when the declaration of this can't be normal.
00:41:52.320 --> 00:42:00.960
Because then at that moment, what happens is when the leader meets the resistance of their team, which by the way is normal, all teams resist.
00:42:01.119 --> 00:42:02.320
Resistance isn't the problem.
00:42:02.400 --> 00:42:04.960
The problem is you don't know what to do when resistance comes.
00:42:05.119 --> 00:42:06.480
Resistance is not the problem.
00:42:06.559 --> 00:42:08.639
You need to know what to do when resistance comes.
00:42:08.800 --> 00:42:13.280
So when resistance comes, you're like, oh, high resistance.
00:42:13.519 --> 00:42:17.440
I'm gonna stay steady right now and let this person flail in front of me.
00:42:17.519 --> 00:42:18.159
You know why?
00:42:18.320 --> 00:42:23.519
Because when I step in again, I die inside, and I will no longer die inside.
00:42:23.679 --> 00:42:26.480
I will choose me while I stay connected to you.
00:42:26.559 --> 00:42:27.840
It's not either or.
00:42:28.320 --> 00:42:28.960
Absolutely.
00:42:29.119 --> 00:42:29.599
I love that.
00:42:29.760 --> 00:42:30.480
I love that.
00:42:30.719 --> 00:42:31.440
Love that.
00:42:31.679 --> 00:42:44.559
So, what happens to a team when a leader, maybe such as myself, stops being the single point of like everyone's emotional needs being taken on them.
00:42:44.719 --> 00:42:49.840
What would you say changes in their environment maybe in the next few months or so?
00:42:50.159 --> 00:42:51.920
Well, I think we need to ask a question before that.
00:42:52.000 --> 00:42:53.760
What's the first step to start doing that?
00:42:54.000 --> 00:42:56.800
Because everyone wants to go straight to relief, right?
00:42:57.199 --> 00:42:59.840
The question signals, honey, please give me relief.
00:43:00.079 --> 00:43:02.159
Tell me what's on the other side, which is okay.
00:43:02.239 --> 00:43:04.480
I yeah, I I love these questions, right?
00:43:04.719 --> 00:43:11.199
But the question is still signaling that you're in the place of you're gonna give me the magic bullet, right?
00:43:11.280 --> 00:43:13.920
You're gonna tell me the magical thing that sits on the other side.
00:43:14.000 --> 00:43:17.440
There is no magical thing, there is no magical thing.
00:43:17.599 --> 00:43:27.360
We start one step at a time, and so when we start this process of removing ourselves from being the shock absorber, we start with the first breakdown.
00:43:27.599 --> 00:43:30.960
What is the thing that keeps you up in the middle of the night?
00:43:31.199 --> 00:43:34.079
What is the thing that runs on loop in your head?
00:43:34.239 --> 00:43:35.840
So, what is that for you?
00:43:36.559 --> 00:43:41.679
For me, um it's it's everything that kind of connects the sit center.
00:43:41.760 --> 00:43:45.519
It's the financials, it's the staff, it's the making sure the staff are okay.
00:43:46.239 --> 00:43:55.440
The biggest pain point, the biggest breakdown that if that stopped routing through you, you would find some capacity and some safety.
00:43:55.760 --> 00:43:56.480
What is it?
00:43:58.639 --> 00:43:58.880
Oh.
00:44:00.239 --> 00:44:01.360
That's a tough one for me.
00:44:01.440 --> 00:44:02.079
I like it.
00:44:03.920 --> 00:44:04.880
Tell me what it is.
00:44:05.440 --> 00:44:06.000
Control.
00:44:06.159 --> 00:44:07.199
That's hard.
00:44:07.440 --> 00:44:13.280
Um, I I mean I like not letting go.
00:44:13.679 --> 00:44:15.119
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:44:15.199 --> 00:44:16.719
Go back, go back, go back, go back, go back.
00:44:16.880 --> 00:44:18.239
What do you mean you like control?
00:44:19.440 --> 00:44:23.440
Um I was the fancy word for I need safety.
00:44:23.519 --> 00:44:25.840
And I think the way to get it is through control.
00:44:26.559 --> 00:44:27.519
Yeah, yeah.
00:44:27.760 --> 00:44:29.920
I I like to know what's happening.
00:44:30.079 --> 00:44:34.559
I feel the weight of uh stay with me, stay slow with me.
00:44:34.880 --> 00:44:37.360
Why do you like to know what's happening?
00:44:37.840 --> 00:44:42.000
Because I feel responsible for everything that happens at our schools.
00:44:42.320 --> 00:44:45.920
Why do you feel responsible for everything that happens at your school?
00:44:46.239 --> 00:44:48.559
For me, it's because I created it.
00:44:48.800 --> 00:44:56.320
And therefore, therefore, it's my job to make sure that it's all good.
00:44:56.960 --> 00:44:58.400
But you have a team.
00:45:01.119 --> 00:45:01.679
I do.
00:45:02.320 --> 00:45:02.639
Okay.
00:45:02.960 --> 00:45:04.960
So they're amazing, don't get me wrong.
00:45:05.039 --> 00:45:08.000
They are what makes someone amazing in your world?
00:45:08.960 --> 00:45:11.360
Um efficiency.
00:45:11.760 --> 00:45:12.079
Okay.
00:45:12.480 --> 00:45:15.679
So if they're efficient, why do you still have to know what's going on?
00:45:15.920 --> 00:45:18.559
It's clearly not giving you what you need.
00:45:19.360 --> 00:45:21.599
You're not feeling safe, Jessica.
00:45:21.760 --> 00:45:24.800
You're not, which is why you keep checking.
00:45:26.639 --> 00:45:38.480
Yeah, I I think maybe past experiences have a lot to do with um how we come about needing to know more information, you know.
00:45:38.880 --> 00:45:49.039
Um, I had some people that were in the wrong spots at our school, and they it we needed to make some changes because I didn't feel like so.
00:45:49.119 --> 00:45:51.360
You made the changes, you brought in a new person.
00:45:52.320 --> 00:45:57.679
What behaviors are they doing that's signaling to you it's not safe yet.
00:45:57.760 --> 00:45:59.440
I still need to be part of this.
00:46:00.159 --> 00:46:04.079
So the new team, they are they're doing great.
00:46:04.320 --> 00:46:08.239
Um they're not really giving me those signals anymore.
00:46:08.320 --> 00:46:10.400
I'm just struggling, letting go.
00:46:12.559 --> 00:46:15.679
But that's you putting all the onus on you again.
00:46:15.760 --> 00:46:26.800
So that's you saying, I hired a good team, they're doing a great job, and so now it's my job to figure out how to not, you know, do all this kind of stuff.
00:46:26.960 --> 00:46:27.280
Yeah.
00:46:27.760 --> 00:46:34.639
Trust is a response to predictable, reliable, and consistent behavior.
00:46:34.960 --> 00:46:47.679
When the behavior is unconsistent, the grain will loop until you feel safe, which means your team could be lovely, but they are not consistent, predictable, or reliable right now.
00:46:47.840 --> 00:46:51.199
And that I can guarantee you, or you would be safe.
00:46:51.840 --> 00:46:53.119
Yeah, I can see that.
00:46:53.280 --> 00:46:56.320
I I can definitely see that.
00:46:56.400 --> 00:47:00.159
I know right now we're dealing a lot with staffing needs and that sort of thing.
00:47:00.239 --> 00:47:04.000
And excuses, what are there with them?
00:47:04.880 --> 00:47:14.960
Yeah, there will always be staffing issues, there will always be enrollment issues, there will always be financial issues, there will always be parent issues.
00:47:15.119 --> 00:47:28.880
If they get to excuse not showing up reliably because there are staffing issues, you will always be umbilical corded and tied to the center because this is what's happening.
00:47:29.199 --> 00:47:39.519
We accept people's excuses and reasons as a reason why they couldn't show up today, and then we want to give grace, and we're like, oh, I really understand.
00:47:39.599 --> 00:47:42.719
Yeah, you were short staffed today, so that's why I have to go help you.
00:47:43.039 --> 00:47:45.760
No, short staffing will always happen.
00:47:45.920 --> 00:47:48.880
So, what will be your predictable rhythms of return?
00:47:49.039 --> 00:47:53.599
So, even when you're short staffed, you still need to do this.
00:47:54.480 --> 00:47:56.320
That is what a rhythm is.
00:47:56.559 --> 00:48:07.440
If you only do this when everyone's here on time and it's beautiful weather, and no one called out and no one did this and no one did that, that means you can't really do your job.
00:48:07.599 --> 00:48:10.719
Because if you Yeah, I was gonna say, I don't know a day like that.
00:48:11.440 --> 00:48:12.559
I don't either.
00:48:12.800 --> 00:48:21.599
If you can only do your job in perfect conditions, can an ER doctor only do his job when he sleeps a full night?
00:48:21.760 --> 00:48:26.719
So accident comes in, cardiologist is called at two o'clock in the morning, emergency heart.
00:48:27.039 --> 00:48:27.840
I didn't sleep.
00:48:27.920 --> 00:48:30.880
I I don't know that I'm gonna be able to perform the surgery properly.
00:48:30.960 --> 00:48:32.880
Like, I need to go nap a little bit longer.
00:48:33.039 --> 00:48:33.920
Are you crazy?
00:48:34.159 --> 00:48:35.360
This person is dying.
00:48:35.760 --> 00:48:36.719
What the hell?
00:48:36.960 --> 00:48:38.960
Okay, pilot's driving.
00:48:39.039 --> 00:48:40.639
Oh my god, it's really cloudy today.
00:48:40.719 --> 00:48:41.440
Sorry, guys.
00:48:41.519 --> 00:48:42.880
I don't know that I can fly this plane.
00:48:42.960 --> 00:48:48.159
I mean, we're already 10,000 feet elevation, but damn, I've never seen cloudy skies before.
00:48:48.320 --> 00:48:54.480
Okay, here's what the problem is the directors and leaders operate as if they've never seen call outs before.
00:48:54.639 --> 00:48:57.440
Oh my god, I three people called out today.
00:48:57.519 --> 00:48:58.559
I'm like, I'm shocked.
00:48:58.639 --> 00:49:00.559
I'm not gonna be able to do my work today.
00:49:00.880 --> 00:49:01.760
Right, right.
00:49:02.239 --> 00:49:04.320
Why do we see this so much in early childhood?
00:49:04.639 --> 00:49:07.440
Are you five years old or are you 35 years old?
00:49:07.599 --> 00:49:10.000
Why are you acting surprised when someone calls out?
00:49:10.159 --> 00:49:12.639
Why do you act surprised when a parent submits a complaint?
00:49:12.800 --> 00:49:15.360
Why are you acting surprised when licensing shows up?
00:49:15.599 --> 00:49:18.239
This happens every single day.
00:49:18.639 --> 00:49:23.440
You must have systems, standards, and rhythms around the stuff that happen every single day.
00:49:23.519 --> 00:49:24.719
But you guys don't do that.
00:49:24.800 --> 00:49:30.239
You create systems for when everything is perfect, this is the system that we follow.
00:49:30.559 --> 00:49:31.119
Yeah.
00:49:31.360 --> 00:49:34.079
Oh that can't be normal.
00:49:35.039 --> 00:49:36.800
It certainly is not.
00:49:38.320 --> 00:49:43.440
Oh my goodness, there's so much so much good information.
00:49:43.760 --> 00:49:45.760
What's coming up when you say that?
00:49:46.079 --> 00:49:48.480
Around the breakdowns.
00:49:48.800 --> 00:49:51.280
This is the biggest issue in childcare.
00:49:51.519 --> 00:49:55.360
We act surprised on things that are not surprises.
00:49:55.679 --> 00:50:00.639
Yeah, every single time I talk to a leader and she's like, We had a really bad case of the stomach flu.
00:50:00.800 --> 00:50:07.199
I was like, Yeah, so did you did last year and the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that?
00:50:07.360 --> 00:50:12.639
And you're gonna have a bad case of the stomach flu next year, and the year after that, and the year after that, and the year after that.
00:50:12.800 --> 00:50:13.280
You know why?
00:50:13.440 --> 00:50:15.360
Because the flu comes every single year.
00:50:15.679 --> 00:50:26.320
So, how about you figure out what your rhythms need to be for when there's a giant stomach flu and stop acting surprised that three people had the flu?
00:50:26.960 --> 00:50:27.599
Right.
00:50:28.400 --> 00:50:33.920
I feel that because yes, it happens every year, and we still seem surprised somehow.
00:50:34.159 --> 00:50:35.199
Why that it's happening?
00:50:35.599 --> 00:50:37.119
Why are we surprised?
00:50:39.440 --> 00:50:51.119
Because we don't have that rhythm, we haven't created that rhythm to return back to normalcy, to return back to our everyday functions.
00:50:51.679 --> 00:50:58.400
We believe that the false promise of systems will create immunity to all of these things.
00:50:58.719 --> 00:51:12.639
We have an illusion in our mind that there is a magical system process software checklist SOP spreadsheet that will one day create immunity to all of these things that come up.
00:51:13.119 --> 00:51:18.960
And I am here to give you a loving hug that nobody gets immunity to these things.
00:51:19.119 --> 00:51:25.920
It's called being human, it's called operating a school, you don't get immunity to this, you don't get a pass.
00:51:26.079 --> 00:51:27.599
I know you were up all night.
00:51:28.559 --> 00:51:32.559
Life is relentless, you don't get a pass.
00:51:33.119 --> 00:51:39.360
You don't how will you show up even when you're tired, overwhelmed, and grieving?
00:51:40.000 --> 00:51:42.719
Why do you get a pass and I never get a pass?
00:51:42.880 --> 00:51:43.199
Why?
00:51:43.280 --> 00:51:45.519
Because I'm the leader, therefore I'm not human.
00:51:46.880 --> 00:51:47.519
Oof.
00:51:47.920 --> 00:51:49.599
We were talking about that this morning, Jess.
00:51:50.159 --> 00:51:52.079
We were, we were, yeah.
00:51:52.320 --> 00:51:53.840
What were you talking about?
00:51:54.639 --> 00:51:58.320
Um, so obviously Jessica and I are partners.
00:51:58.400 --> 00:52:00.239
However, I am more boots on the ground.
00:52:00.320 --> 00:52:01.519
She gets to be behind the scenes.
00:52:01.599 --> 00:52:02.719
She does wonderful at that.
00:52:02.880 --> 00:52:04.800
Thank you so much for that, Jessica.
00:52:05.199 --> 00:52:11.519
Um, but being boots on the ground, we're as like leaders in that capacity.
00:52:11.679 --> 00:52:13.840
I feel like we're expected to have every answer.
00:52:14.079 --> 00:52:16.400
Show up, be ready to go.
00:52:16.639 --> 00:52:30.239
Um, I have had a horrendously challenging time here as of late, but I still show up every day and I show up, I wouldn't say unbothered, but I show up fully ready to be passionate about the field because that is what I'm here to do.
00:52:30.480 --> 00:52:34.079
Even on my worst days, I'm still here and I'm still passionate.
00:52:34.400 --> 00:52:41.599
And so the expectation of everyone else is you can show up as long as it doesn't make you uncomfortable.
00:52:41.920 --> 00:52:46.159
But the moment you're uncomfortable or not feeling it, you get a pass.
00:52:46.320 --> 00:52:50.239
You could just give me some beautiful orchestrated reason and excuse, which is right.
00:52:50.400 --> 00:52:51.440
The excuse, they're not lying.
00:52:51.519 --> 00:52:53.440
No one's saying my dog ate my homework, right?
00:52:53.519 --> 00:52:57.119
They're giving some legitimate excuse, but that becomes a pass now.
00:52:57.360 --> 00:53:03.360
You don't have to be passionate every day, you still have to keep the kids safe, you don't have to be excited every single day.
00:53:03.519 --> 00:53:05.679
You still need to get all the kids' coats on.
00:53:05.920 --> 00:53:12.639
You don't need to be authentically happy to walk in, you still need to smile at every parent when they walk in through the door.
00:53:12.960 --> 00:53:15.199
That is the difference of a rhythm.
00:53:15.360 --> 00:53:19.199
I didn't ask you what mood you're in, I didn't ask you.
00:53:20.480 --> 00:53:22.400
The standard is this.
00:53:22.800 --> 00:53:26.000
I didn't ask you if you were in the mood today to do it.
00:53:26.159 --> 00:53:26.800
You know why?
00:53:26.960 --> 00:53:28.719
Because you're newborn in the middle of the night.
00:53:28.800 --> 00:53:31.599
Did they ask you if you were in the mood to get up and feed them?
00:53:31.760 --> 00:53:33.440
Did they ask you permission?
00:53:34.079 --> 00:53:34.320
No.
00:53:35.199 --> 00:53:37.280
But you got up anyways.
00:53:37.599 --> 00:53:38.159
Why?
00:53:38.480 --> 00:53:41.840
Because you made a choice to become a parent.
00:53:42.079 --> 00:53:56.159
You made a choice to become a teacher, to become a leader, to work in this organization, which means part of being here is there are responsibilities that we do even when we're not in the mood.
00:53:57.360 --> 00:53:58.159
Yeah, yeah.
00:53:58.320 --> 00:53:59.199
Mood proof.
00:53:59.360 --> 00:53:59.920
I like that.
00:54:00.000 --> 00:54:00.639
Mood proof.
00:54:00.800 --> 00:54:01.760
Yeah, it's my favorite word.
00:54:02.159 --> 00:54:03.280
I tell my kids all the time.
00:54:03.360 --> 00:54:04.400
They're like, I wasn't in the mood.
00:54:04.480 --> 00:54:06.559
I'm like, uh, did I ask you if you were in the mood?
00:54:06.639 --> 00:54:06.960
I'm sorry.
00:54:07.039 --> 00:54:09.519
I don't I don't remember asking that as part of my question.
00:54:09.599 --> 00:54:13.360
If you were in the mood of cleaning your room, it's cleaning room day.
00:54:13.440 --> 00:54:15.840
Like, I don't, I don't think I asked you if you were in the mood.
00:54:16.000 --> 00:54:17.679
Would you like to get yourself in the mood?
00:54:17.760 --> 00:54:19.840
There are things you could do to get yourself in the mood.
00:54:20.000 --> 00:54:24.960
You can go take a walk, you can go get a snack, you could go drink some water, you could go put on music.
00:54:25.119 --> 00:54:28.000
You there are ways again, go this, we're going full circle.
00:54:28.159 --> 00:54:28.400
Yeah.
00:54:29.280 --> 00:54:30.159
Energy.
00:54:30.480 --> 00:54:34.719
What will you do to create your energy?
00:54:35.199 --> 00:54:39.760
Because we're not negotiating the standards of what we do in the classroom.
00:54:39.840 --> 00:54:45.119
That's not up for negotiation, just because you're not in the mood today.
00:54:46.480 --> 00:54:46.960
Wow.
00:54:47.280 --> 00:54:47.920
My goodness.
00:54:48.079 --> 00:54:48.320
Yeah.
00:54:48.480 --> 00:54:49.280
Mood proof.
00:54:49.360 --> 00:54:49.679
I love it.
00:54:50.480 --> 00:54:50.800
I love it.
00:54:51.039 --> 00:54:51.440
Yes.
00:54:51.679 --> 00:54:53.199
What would you say?
00:54:53.360 --> 00:54:58.079
And I know we're running short on time, but it's so I can go for 20 minutes.
00:54:59.039 --> 00:55:00.320
What would you say?
00:55:00.480 --> 00:55:05.920
Um one thing that maybe leaders need to stop doing immediately.
00:55:06.239 --> 00:55:07.760
Yeah, so a few things.
00:55:08.000 --> 00:55:10.719
Um, one is stop saying let's.
00:55:11.679 --> 00:55:21.039
So leaders go into meetings uh with their team or with their teachers, and they're like, we have this, you know, the company has this goal, let's figure it out together.
00:55:22.639 --> 00:55:27.039
It's not your goal to figure out, it's the director's job to figure it out.
00:55:27.199 --> 00:55:30.880
So it's not let's figure it out, it's this is the standard.
00:55:31.119 --> 00:55:32.400
What is your plan?
00:55:33.119 --> 00:55:35.039
How will you figure this out?
00:55:35.760 --> 00:55:39.840
If you need my help, you're a grown-up and you can ask me.
00:55:40.239 --> 00:55:41.039
Love that.
00:55:41.280 --> 00:55:44.159
But it's not okay, that's one.
00:55:44.559 --> 00:55:47.679
Okay, I'll talk about some specific language, which I think is really important.
00:55:47.920 --> 00:55:51.119
Leaders say things, I need to get everyone on the same page.
00:55:51.360 --> 00:55:52.880
No, that is code word for.
00:55:53.199 --> 00:56:02.320
I need everyone to feel comfortable about this initiative so I don't have to feel uncomfortable that I'm putting out something that people are going to resist.
00:56:02.400 --> 00:56:04.239
And I don't want to deal with resistance.
00:56:04.320 --> 00:56:06.719
So can everyone just be on the same page?
00:56:07.199 --> 00:56:11.360
You are never going to get everyone on the same page.
00:56:11.519 --> 00:56:12.559
You I love that.
00:56:12.639 --> 00:56:16.239
We've heard that so many times that you gotta get everybody on the same page.
00:56:16.320 --> 00:56:21.679
Everybody's gotta see the vision, everybody's gotta, you know, and it's like, well, what if they just what if they don't?
00:56:21.920 --> 00:56:25.440
Don't if they don't, and what if they resist it?
00:56:25.599 --> 00:56:26.320
Then what?
00:56:26.480 --> 00:56:28.400
How will you deal with the resistance?
00:56:28.639 --> 00:56:30.320
How will you deal with the resistance?
00:56:30.480 --> 00:56:33.199
Okay, so getting everyone on the same page, exactly, right?
00:56:33.360 --> 00:56:39.360
Getting everyone on the same page, let's um another common one is um I need buy-in.
00:56:39.760 --> 00:56:42.559
Um, again, another cover for getting everyone on the same page.
00:56:42.639 --> 00:56:55.039
I need buy-in, which is I am not fully sure that I want to do this because I'm sure of it, but if people start to question it, I might start to feel a little bit shaky.
00:56:55.199 --> 00:57:00.239
So let me put it out there and see if I could get buy-in, and then I'll go execute it.
00:57:00.320 --> 00:57:01.840
Okay, so here's a classic example.
00:57:02.000 --> 00:57:03.840
I spoke to an owner, they have five locations.
00:57:04.000 --> 00:57:09.440
They came to me, they wanted to hire me to go do uh an in-person leadership retreat for their team.
00:57:09.679 --> 00:57:12.800
So I told them what I would do, what the price, all that kind of stuff.
00:57:12.880 --> 00:57:18.320
And then he was like, I don't know, because you know, I don't know if they're gonna execute.
00:57:18.400 --> 00:57:19.760
Like, I don't know if I have their buy-in.
00:57:19.920 --> 00:57:25.199
So like I need to present it to them, you know, and I need to get their buy-in, and then I could see like if I could bring you down.
00:57:25.360 --> 00:57:31.840
And I was like, hey, um, allow me to do some coaching care in this moment.
00:57:32.079 --> 00:57:33.840
That is poor leadership.
00:57:34.079 --> 00:57:34.400
Okay.
00:57:34.800 --> 00:57:42.880
Because what you're saying is, I'm not gonna be able to hold these people accountable because I don't want to deal with the resistance and the discomfort.
00:57:43.039 --> 00:57:56.000
So, unless I get everyone excited about up-leveling their growth, um, I can't really invest, which basically means the standards of the company are based on the lowest bar of discomfort.
00:57:56.239 --> 00:58:04.719
So go scan your building and find your weakest teacher, your weakest leader who tolerates the lowest amount of discomfort.
00:58:04.960 --> 00:58:06.960
Congratulations, those are your standards.
00:58:07.199 --> 00:58:09.760
So you can say, no, my standards are up here.
00:58:09.840 --> 00:58:13.199
I'm like, no, no, no, those are the standards and the delusions of your mind.
00:58:13.360 --> 00:58:23.280
The standards that actually execute in reality are based on the person's lowest tolerance of discomfort because you refuse to engage with reality.
00:58:23.840 --> 00:58:26.079
That is what's actually happening.
00:58:26.400 --> 00:58:35.039
So the first step here is why am I so resistant to people giving me resistance?
00:58:35.280 --> 00:58:38.320
Most people see it as a signal of this isn't a good idea.
00:58:38.559 --> 00:58:43.760
No, if you put out an idea and you don't get any resistance, your idea is not a good idea.
00:58:43.920 --> 00:58:44.559
You know why?
00:58:44.719 --> 00:58:46.559
Because it's actually not a growth edge.
00:58:46.800 --> 00:58:50.000
Because a growth edge means that people will be uncomfortable.
00:58:50.159 --> 00:58:55.440
So if you got a hundred percent buy-in, that's a pretty mediocre idea.
00:58:55.599 --> 00:58:58.559
That's a signal that that's a pretty mediocre idea.
00:58:58.719 --> 00:59:03.599
But if you get a lot of resistance, you're probably bumping up against people's comfort zones.
00:59:03.760 --> 00:59:04.159
Good.
00:59:04.400 --> 00:59:06.800
Now you have a growth-oriented company.
00:59:07.599 --> 00:59:08.800
Oh, I love that.
00:59:09.039 --> 00:59:12.159
Yeah, I was gonna say, what a good way to switch your mindset.
00:59:13.440 --> 00:59:15.119
Yes, hot diggity dog.
00:59:15.679 --> 00:59:18.079
Yes, yes, yeah, so much fun.
00:59:18.320 --> 00:59:23.840
I know, I know we're running in like shorter, shorter on time than I'd like to because I feel like we could talk all day.
00:59:24.079 --> 00:59:30.719
Um, but the the sign that success has tipped into survival.
00:59:30.880 --> 00:59:32.400
What is the red flag?
00:59:33.360 --> 00:59:40.320
So I mean I know there's a lot of them, but I'll share a few because everyone will typically have uh a few of them.
00:59:40.559 --> 00:59:45.840
Um before I answer the question, let me actually talk about one of the chapters in the book called Drift.
00:59:46.079 --> 00:59:54.559
So drift is inevitable, and drift, well, actually, let me read the exact definition here instead of trying to remember it by heart.
00:59:54.800 --> 00:59:59.840
Um so sorry.
01:00:00.639 --> 01:00:01.440
No, you're good.
01:00:01.519 --> 01:00:01.760
You're good.
01:00:02.480 --> 01:00:05.840
What is I'm looking through my largely highlighted book right now.
01:00:07.440 --> 01:00:08.559
I know, right?
01:00:08.880 --> 01:00:12.239
Um oh my gosh, where's my here we go?
01:00:12.480 --> 01:00:19.199
Drift is the gradual, often unnoticed loss of connection to your usual anchors and rhythms as a leader.
01:00:19.440 --> 01:00:24.079
Okay, it's a temporary, often unnoticed loss of connection.
01:00:24.239 --> 01:00:27.039
So drift is inevitable, and here's why.
01:00:27.280 --> 01:00:40.400
You're human, which means someone gets sick, your husband goes out of town, your child ran a fever, your mother-in-law came to visit, uh, there's a new mayor, there's an election, it was raining, there was a snowstorm, fill in the blanks.
01:00:40.559 --> 01:00:40.880
Okay.
01:00:41.440 --> 01:00:50.239
All of those things are the conditions of drift because it does a temporary uh disconnection from your usual things, right?
01:00:50.320 --> 01:00:53.679
So your usual rhythm is like I wake up, I have my coffee, I do blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
01:00:53.840 --> 01:00:57.119
But today's Wednesday, and I couldn't do that today because my husband was out of town.
01:00:57.280 --> 01:00:59.440
Okay, that's gonna throw a curveball.
01:00:59.599 --> 01:01:02.000
So you're going to drift, okay?
01:01:02.320 --> 01:01:10.239
So the issue is that every leader is waiting for the day that they never drift, that they always are, you know, 100% of the time.
01:01:10.400 --> 01:01:12.079
No, drift is inevitable.
01:01:12.159 --> 01:01:13.599
You need to return.
01:01:13.920 --> 01:01:17.440
You need to return to your anchors and rhythms.
01:01:17.679 --> 01:01:22.800
So, what to answer your question, going back to your question, which is what is a sign that a leader is overwhelmed?
01:01:22.960 --> 01:01:26.320
We want to try to catch it at the first sign of drift, right?
01:01:26.400 --> 01:01:31.039
At the first sign that, oh, I think I'm drifting from my usual anchors.
01:01:31.199 --> 01:01:33.840
Now, drift is a couple of different signals, right?
01:01:33.920 --> 01:01:40.239
So you'll have signals of like, wow, that's a really important standard, and I just gave that person a pass.
01:01:40.480 --> 01:01:41.760
Okay, I'm drifting.
01:01:41.920 --> 01:01:43.679
That's that's the first signal of drift.
01:01:43.840 --> 01:01:46.480
I said that I wouldn't do that, and I did it anyways.
01:01:46.719 --> 01:01:47.679
I'm drifting.
01:01:47.840 --> 01:01:49.840
Now, here's the issue with drift.
01:01:49.920 --> 01:01:54.159
It is so subtle because in that moment, nothing blew up.
01:01:54.320 --> 01:01:57.440
So your body goes to, it's fine, it's fine, it's okay.
01:01:57.519 --> 01:01:59.760
I I it's one time, it's okay, it's fine.
01:02:00.000 --> 01:02:05.280
Except the next hour, you do it again for something else, and then that starts drifting.
01:02:05.360 --> 01:02:08.400
And then three hours later, something else drifts.
01:02:08.559 --> 01:02:13.920
And then before you know it, you're out in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks and wondering why you can't keep yourself alive.
01:02:14.159 --> 01:02:14.400
Okay.
01:02:14.880 --> 01:02:16.639
So that is the drift.
01:02:16.719 --> 01:02:17.039
Okay.
01:02:17.440 --> 01:02:20.400
So I'll give a couple of other signals for leaders that are listening.
01:02:20.559 --> 01:02:23.119
Waking up in the middle of the night is a signal of drift.
01:02:23.199 --> 01:02:27.119
Okay, it means that your body is overwhelmed, it is communicating to you.
01:02:27.360 --> 01:02:29.280
Please listen to it.
01:02:29.440 --> 01:02:29.760
Okay.
01:02:30.159 --> 01:02:36.639
Another sign that you are drifting is um a lot of leaders are like, I don't know why I'm so rageful.
01:02:36.719 --> 01:02:41.039
Like, I don't understand why I get so mad over things that seem so insignificant.
01:02:41.199 --> 01:02:48.239
I'm like, well, that's because the 60 things before that, you gave a pass, a pass, a pass, a pass, a pass, and then it finally came to this one.
01:02:48.320 --> 01:02:50.800
And you're like, Are you effing kidding me?
01:02:51.039 --> 01:02:52.400
What in the world?
01:02:52.559 --> 01:02:52.880
Right.
01:02:52.960 --> 01:02:55.599
And you're like, I can't believe I had that level of rage.
01:02:55.760 --> 01:02:57.039
Okay, that's overwhelming.
01:02:57.199 --> 01:02:59.440
That is you stepping back into survival.
01:02:59.519 --> 01:02:59.840
Okay.
01:03:00.079 --> 01:03:01.519
Petty fights with your spouse.
01:03:01.599 --> 01:03:04.079
Like, you're like, why are we arguing over dumb shit?
01:03:04.239 --> 01:03:07.760
Okay, you're probably overwhelmed again with the invisible labor.
01:03:07.920 --> 01:03:08.239
Okay.
01:03:08.559 --> 01:03:09.840
Does that give enough examples?
01:03:09.920 --> 01:03:13.679
Like, those are the signals that that's going on.
01:03:14.880 --> 01:03:17.440
Yeah, I wish I knew this like three years ago.
01:03:17.679 --> 01:03:18.880
Yeah, but now you're ready.
01:03:19.039 --> 01:03:21.199
So now you're ready, so now it's meeting you, right?
01:03:21.280 --> 01:03:21.920
Always remember that.
01:03:22.000 --> 01:03:23.679
Now you're ready, so now it's meeting you.
01:03:23.760 --> 01:03:24.800
Now you have the capacity.
01:03:24.960 --> 01:03:30.400
The way that we stay anchored in drift is we must be in community.
01:03:30.559 --> 01:03:43.360
Whether that's with friends, mentors, you need community and mentorship who spots your drift before you do, who can signal to you, Jess, you got bags under your eyes.
01:03:43.440 --> 01:03:45.280
I know you've kind of normalized the 3 a.m.
01:03:45.440 --> 01:03:47.440
wakeups, but it's actually not normal.
01:03:47.679 --> 01:03:48.960
So, can we talk about that?
01:03:49.119 --> 01:03:51.280
Like, let's just go follow up, let's go have a little chat.
01:03:51.360 --> 01:03:52.880
We don't need to solve any problems.
01:03:53.039 --> 01:03:55.440
I just want to hear, tell me about the bags.
01:03:55.599 --> 01:03:56.880
Like, let's talk about them.
01:03:57.119 --> 01:04:00.559
And you don't have to optimize it and you don't have to SOP it or spreadsheet it.
01:04:00.639 --> 01:04:02.960
Just tell me about the bags.
01:04:03.360 --> 01:04:05.920
That is what we need in our life.
01:04:06.320 --> 01:04:07.920
Absolutely, absolutely.
01:04:08.079 --> 01:04:27.599
We we try to do things alone too often, and we feel alone, even though we have a large team that is supporting the vision and the goals, but as a leader, sometimes you still feel alone in coaching programs and talking to people, just finding out what's really going on makes such a difference.
01:04:27.760 --> 01:04:33.199
I wish there was more community around me when I was struggling through a lot of this.
01:04:33.519 --> 01:04:35.519
Could we could we answer that one final question?
01:04:35.679 --> 01:04:37.199
Why do we try to do things alone?
01:04:37.360 --> 01:04:42.079
Why do we feel so proud when we're the individuals and we made it on our own?
01:04:42.639 --> 01:04:45.760
Why is that such a for lack of a better word?
01:04:45.840 --> 01:04:48.079
It's a pervasive concept here in America.
01:04:48.400 --> 01:04:49.679
It is, it is.
01:04:49.840 --> 01:04:52.239
Um, that is a good question.
01:04:52.559 --> 01:04:53.199
Yeah.
01:04:53.840 --> 01:04:55.039
I yeah, go ahead.
01:04:55.760 --> 01:04:57.360
So why do you think it is?
01:04:58.320 --> 01:05:04.960
I think that as leaders, we're kind of told not to talk down to our team about certain things.
01:05:05.119 --> 01:05:09.360
And so, or maybe our spouses don't understand what we're going through.
01:05:09.440 --> 01:05:14.239
So we start just holding it in, and then we continue that pattern.
01:05:15.119 --> 01:05:17.599
That's one angle of it, absolutely.
01:05:17.840 --> 01:05:23.840
The other piece is individualism is unfortunately very rewarded in our society.
01:05:24.320 --> 01:05:24.960
Yeah.
01:05:25.199 --> 01:05:41.039
Um, and because of that, when we need, when we have a need of, I need help, I don't know how to do this alone, we immediately feel weak and say, I I can't ask for help, I'm weak.
01:05:41.199 --> 01:05:44.719
And so we signal to our team isolation means strength.
01:05:44.880 --> 01:05:54.320
The more you isolate yourself, the stronger you are, which isn't true because the more isolated you are, the more vulnerable you are to actually outside threats.
01:05:54.880 --> 01:05:58.960
But the reason why it is so difficult to need, right?
01:05:59.119 --> 01:06:02.000
Why like To actually say I need help.
01:06:02.320 --> 01:06:08.400
It means if I tell you I need you, it means you matter to me.
01:06:09.360 --> 01:06:12.239
If you matter to me, then you impact me.
01:06:12.559 --> 01:06:14.159
You can influence me.
01:06:14.559 --> 01:06:18.719
If you can impact and influence me, you can hurt me.
01:06:20.159 --> 01:06:26.960
Which means I have to risk emotional and relational vulnerability to ask you for help.
01:06:27.280 --> 01:06:29.360
And that is a very high cost.
01:06:29.920 --> 01:06:34.000
So I'd rather just do it all by myself until you break.
01:06:34.480 --> 01:06:34.800
Right?
01:06:34.880 --> 01:06:37.840
Why do teachers not ask for help from their colleagues?
01:06:38.079 --> 01:06:42.559
Like, well, last time I asked for help, she didn't, you know, show up for me, and then I was alone, and it was a blah blah blah blah blah.
01:06:42.719 --> 01:06:43.039
Right?
01:06:43.199 --> 01:06:54.480
It's it's very to ask, to need, but that's how we create real connection, real intimacy, real relational infrastructure.
01:06:54.719 --> 01:07:03.760
And that's how we can break this cycle of leaders that are overwhelmed and exhausted and emotionally depleted, and we can actually build beautiful schools of excellence.
01:07:03.920 --> 01:07:05.440
And that's my mission.
01:07:06.159 --> 01:07:06.960
I love that.
01:07:07.119 --> 01:07:07.760
I love that.
01:07:08.320 --> 01:07:10.480
This is exactly why we needed you all on.
01:07:11.039 --> 01:07:11.920
Not niggas.
01:07:12.400 --> 01:07:24.239
Yes, the book, what we've been talking about, like it's everything that I know I've been feeling the last several years, um, and kind of working through on my own, which I probably should not be doing.
01:07:24.400 --> 01:07:33.199
Um, but let's tell the listeners how to get a hold of this book because I mean, y'all need to read it.
01:07:33.519 --> 01:07:34.000
Thank you.
01:07:34.159 --> 01:07:34.559
Thank you.
01:07:34.800 --> 01:07:39.599
Yeah, so it's available wherever books are sold, Amazon, Walmart, uh, Barnes and Noble, everywhere.
01:07:39.760 --> 01:07:44.400
Uh, if you want to get chapter one uh for free, we created that because that's that again.
01:07:44.480 --> 01:07:46.880
Jessica probably highlighted every line in chapter one.
01:07:48.880 --> 01:07:49.679
That's that moment.
01:07:49.760 --> 01:07:54.000
So you can go to thiscampbenormal.com slash chapter one, and I'll give you guys the link.
01:07:54.079 --> 01:07:55.360
You can put that in the show notes.
01:07:55.440 --> 01:08:02.719
Um, and people can um check out over there, they can get chapter one and feel that resonance and then you know go ahead and get the book.
01:08:02.880 --> 01:08:07.519
Um, so this can't be normal.com is where everything is, the whole hub for everything.
01:08:07.760 --> 01:08:08.320
I love that.
01:08:08.480 --> 01:08:11.519
My friend Bree McCarty was like, I give everybody this book.
01:08:11.599 --> 01:08:12.400
I tell them to get it.
01:08:12.480 --> 01:08:14.079
And I was like, I have a really good one.
01:08:14.239 --> 01:08:17.920
We were chatting a little bit about it, and I was so excited to hear that.
01:08:18.079 --> 01:08:23.840
And I'm definitely highly recommending as well because it just it spoke so much to me.
01:08:23.920 --> 01:08:27.600
I I had to sit there and go, Jessica, you cannot highlight the whole thing.
01:08:27.760 --> 01:08:28.560
You can't.
01:08:28.960 --> 01:08:32.800
So you know that's when it speaks to you when you just want to keep going.
01:08:32.960 --> 01:08:34.720
So thank you for having me.
01:08:34.880 --> 01:08:38.560
Really, thank you for doing the work that they're doing and bringing these messages to the world.
01:08:38.720 --> 01:08:39.439
People need it.
01:08:39.520 --> 01:08:40.079
So thank you.
01:08:40.319 --> 01:08:40.880
That's nice.
01:08:41.199 --> 01:08:43.039
We appreciate you for sure.
01:08:43.439 --> 01:08:53.199
Um, but for our listeners, if any part of this wonderful and probably one of my favorite episodes felt like you were reading your private 10 p.m.
01:08:53.359 --> 01:08:56.800
thoughts that you keep deep down and dark, um, that's the point.
01:08:56.960 --> 01:09:00.479
You are not weak, you are not failing, and you are definitely not alone.
01:09:00.640 --> 01:09:02.239
You should 100% grab her book.
01:09:02.399 --> 01:09:05.600
She is incredible, and so are her words of wisdom.
01:09:05.920 --> 01:09:06.560
Absolutely.
01:09:06.720 --> 01:09:11.840
If this one hits home, make sure to share it with a director near you or an owner that maybe needs to hear it too.
01:09:12.079 --> 01:09:16.800
And follow us on Childcare Confidential on YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok.
01:09:17.039 --> 01:09:18.720
Subscribe so you never miss an episode.
01:09:18.800 --> 01:09:29.600
And make sure to go and follow Hani too, because I am just uh Katie has spoken just great things about you and I've connected a few times at some conferences, but this just blew my mind.
01:09:31.039 --> 01:09:32.079
Thank you for having me.
01:09:32.560 --> 01:09:32.800
Thank you.
01:09:33.039 --> 01:09:35.680
Yes, well, we'll talk from the front lines of early childhood.
01:09:35.840 --> 01:09:37.359
We will see you next time.
01:09:37.600 --> 01:09:39.039
See you next time, everybody.
01:09:39.279 --> 01:09:39.920
Bye.