Parenting Through A Prodigal Season With Calm And Clarity (pt 1)

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Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families.
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We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling.
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Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer.
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Now here is your host, Cal Farley Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.
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Hello and welcome.
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Today we're going to talk about one of the deepest heartaches parents can experience walking through a season when your child has become a prodigal.
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To do that today, I'm joined by Ray Martinez, senior chaplain at Cal Farley's Boys Ranch.
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Austin Garmin, music director.
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Marley, director of Christian Education.
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Alright, let's kick off with our question of the day.
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Who's your favorite fictional redemption story in a movie, TV, show, or a book?
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And what made it so memorable?
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I'll go with it kind of ties in.
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I'll go with the Incredible Hulk just because I watched it two nights ago.
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But he starts off like he can't control his powers essentially.
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Kind of causes destruction, but then he's able to hone them in and then, you know, save the day at the end of the movie.
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I would say mine is Superman, too, the classic Superman, probably one of the first superhero movies I've watched.
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And I don't know, there's something about the weakness, the kryptonite.
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And but also just overcoming all of that to save the day, that would be mine, Superman.
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All right, so it might be important for this discussion to define what we mean by a prodigal.
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When parents say my child is becoming a prodigal, what kinds of situation are we usually describing?
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I would say a prodigal usually describing a uh a kiddo that has moved away from home, typically.
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That's left home, left of faith, left, whatever that belief system may be.
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And it's it's usually not a good season for however long that might be.
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I feel like to add to that, maybe, maybe not necessarily running away from home, which obviously that is the big part of a prodigal, but maybe a kid who's just acting out in a sense, maybe they're doing stuff they shouldn't be doing, maybe they're even taking substances they shouldn't have, just acting out in numerous ways.
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Yeah, when I think of prodigal, I honestly just think of anyone who's kind of going off onto the wrong track or onto the wrong path.
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Many parents immediately ask, where did I go wrong?
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So, how much influence do parents really have over the choices that their children make, especially as they grow older?
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You know what?
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Where did I go wrong?
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Parents obviously have one of the greatest influences in a kiddo's life, especially in the home setting.
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And where did I go wrong is is is always probably the first questions that a parent might even ask themselves, okay?
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Where did I go wrong?
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How the influence of a parent may have all we can do as parents is is obviously lead, direct, and guide and help, but it's ultimately up to the child what what what actually comes of all of that.
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I think we can only control what we can control, and the only person we're truly in control of is ourself.
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That's kind of a hard thing for a parent, is because you have had so much invested into these kids and you put your heart into them and to see them doing things against, you know, things you've taught them, things you believe.
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I think that is is really hard.
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And it is really easy to kind of say, you know, where did I go wrong?
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And maybe there are some areas that we as parents have done things that push kids away, or so I I don't think it's bad to do some self-examination, but also you can't beat yourself up over the guilt because the kids are in charge of their own choices.
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So when a child is making destructive choices, parents often react out of fear, which can lead to lecturing, controlling, or withdrawing.
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So how can parents regulate their own emotions so they're responding from wisdom instead of panic?
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I think about what we do here at Boys' Ranch just to regulate kids.
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And because if we're going to if we see a kid acting out, the last thing we want to do here at Boys Ranch is to yell, to raise our voice and almost have like be shouting at them.
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We want to be calm, like if we're just talking to them.
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So if a parent sees a kid acting out and maybe they're they're doing a sin that they shouldn't be doing, or they're just being rude or disrespectful.
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I think if they can go into it with really just peace and patience, the child is gonna feel that because if the child sees the parent starting to get worked up over this, it's just gonna go back and forth, I think, and it's not gonna lead to anything good.
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And also, maybe for for the parent to also realize that we have a heavenly father that you know we really can't like carry everything on our own.
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There also becomes a point where we have to acknowledge God, like, you know, God, you are our heavenly father, you are a perfect father, and we have to rely on you solely.
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I think, yeah, I think that's good, Austin.
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I also believe just things that come to mind would be just pausing before reacting or acting or reacting, praying.
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Oh, that's that's one of the for me, that's been the key in all of this is always self-examination, constantly looking at myself, especially when there's there you step into a a harder, challenging, even maybe a difficult season of parenting, just that self-awareness, constantly being in prayer, so that hopefully you're you you won't just react to something, you won't overreact, hopefully.
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But praying, talking to a counselor, to a pastor, to a trusted friend, addressing all those things are really, really important, especially during a prodigal season live.
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Yeah, I would agree with both of them.
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I think, but I think even when I'm just in conversation with anyone, it could be family or friend.
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And if something makes me upset and my first reaction is anger, again, I don't think it's the best to just respond in anger.
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I think you need to step back and look at where the anger is coming from before responding to get the best results.
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Thinking about this question, I think the fear response is so powerful in that we're just as adults, we're just we know where a lot of these bad decisions can can lead.
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And we want to kind of head them off before the kids feel them.
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And in doing that, I think sometimes we overreact out of that state of fear.
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What do you think is actual outcome of that though, if we're if we lash out in that in that state of fear?
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Yeah, I think it's gonna make the kid want to continue doing whatever they were doing before, continue to fall into that sin or that bad thing that they were doing.
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Mm-hmm.
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Yeah, it can definitely sever the relationship.
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A parent is supposed to be somebody safe and somebody who a kid, a prodigal, can talk to, and if you're reacting, overreacting out of out of anger or whatever they may look like, the kiddo's not gonna feel safe.
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A kiddo's not gonna probably want to open up and talk about the struggle or the season at that particular point.
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So parents often commit carry tremendous guilt when a child walks away from their values or begins making destructive choices.
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How can parents distinguish between healthy conviction and unhealthy shame?
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Yeah, I would I I would say the unhealthy shame could be or s or sound like statements of I'm a failure, I should have never been a parent, or I'm parenting just like I was my I watched my parents parent.
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And and that can bring some unhealthy shame about all of that, especially in a difficult, hard season.
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There's some pushback from a relationship with a kiddo.
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And but I'm a failure could be a phrase that's pretty typical.
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Conviction, I think, is a is a part of this.
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I need to apologize.
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Maybe I was too harsh in that conversation.
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Those are those are big pieces, but but shame would also say I've run this kid's life, I've run my child, all this guilt-driven pieces of shame that are not from the Lord, obviously.
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Yeah, I think with healthy convin conviction, you will feel a sense of peace from the Lord.
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And I think unhealthy shame is again just beating yourself up for things that you don't have control of necessarily.
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One of the things I've seen with families who are struggling is there's a lot of fear that what are my what are my friends going to think?
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What are my family members going to think that my child is now acting in this way that it goes outside of our family values?
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And I think there's a lot of shame they feel the parents feel because of that.
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They externalize that back onto the kid.
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What type of damage do you think that that can do to the relationship?
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I think it can just create a lot of damage and hurt in the relationship because kind of like Ray was saying, it it almost makes the kid feel like, well, I'm never gonna be good enough for my parents or for my family.
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Yeah, Josh, that's a great question.
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When I think about my particular world and growing up, oh my goodness.
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Church should be the safe place, should be more understanding than any other institution or or or or whatever that may look like of being able to struggle and receive grace and all those things on the other end of that.
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And church does not always do that, and so shame does come into that where my everybody knows the the the latest gossip or whatever it may be, and my kids is the name of that, and which could create some shame ultimately resulting in maybe even uh distrust, and the church, again, is supposed to be the safe place where people can go who are struggling and hurting and reaching out for help, but sometimes that's not not always met uh with as much grace as we like to believe some days.
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So sometimes guilt becomes a parenting strategy.
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Parents may say things like, you know, after everything we've done for you, or you're breaking your mother's heart, why is guilt usually ineffective at producing lasting change?
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And what would you say parents should do instead?
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Uh you know, guilt can produce temporary compliance, but it rarely produces deep change.
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Uh, I think that's the key to all of this is the heart change, not necessarily behavior changes, but it's about the heart.
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And so when you're trying to leverage, when a parent is trying to leverage that, child can feel manipulated and definitely not loved at that particular point.
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So parents I think should speak honestly with with with love you, hear for you.
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Again, with that though, can't support the choice, the choices that they're making, but again, we don't want to close our hearts as well to to what's happening.
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So I I do believe this truth and love are stronger than the guilt for sure.
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Yeah, I think a lot of times parents possibly have the right intention making those statements.
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It just never really does what they think it's going to do.
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Like you said, it pushes the kid away more than it actually brings them back.
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So, what what would be a good strategy do you think parents should do?
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Understanding they probably don't want to affirm their child's negative choices, but they still want to make sure that the kid still knows that they're loved and valued by their parent and want reconciliation.
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I feel like parent just needs to have an open heart to their child to be graceful, to be forgiving.
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Because if the child doesn't feel like he has an open space or he or she to talk, that child doesn't feel like they have that.
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And I feel like they're gonna become closed off too.
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And then maybe it could become a trap to where they just keep everything to themselves, and then they're they're almost afraid to go to their parents because then there's these probably these expectations like, Oh, I gotta meet this bar, or my my mom or dad is gonna get mad at me if I if I don't live up to this.
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So I think really if a parent can just create a loving environment, I feel like that's gonna lead to more openness for the child, more just a healthy relationship between parent and the child in the long run.
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Yeah, I think it begins with just sitting down and having an honest conversation because I don't think the parent should necessarily approve of what the child was doing because I don't think that will benefit in any way necessarily.
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But again, not also putting all that shame on that kid.
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So finding a balance of like, well, we are disappointed, but also let's find a way that we can get away from that habit or fix things whilst like walking alongside your child and supporting and loving them while also not approving of those bad things, if that makes sense.
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I think of the parable of the prodigal son, where the father never once said it was a good thing that the kid left home and did all the things, but he was there and welcoming him back, like he still was his his son and his child, and I think that's a good model that we should always want to have that relationship to be be there and open, that we have the unconditional love for the kids regardless of their behavior.
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Yeah, Josh, you bring up a great point with that.
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I when you look at the scripture, and you you if you're familiar with that story, you have a dad, two sons, one son decides that he wants he'd like his inheritance even before his his father has passed, which would be really an insult.
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So younger son heads out, lives life until he runs out of money.
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He's starving, there's a famine in the land.
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And a question I like I love to wrestle with is okay, what was dad, what do you think dad was doing in the meantime between all of this?
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And what I can picture is dad going to the edge of the property every single day, looking, waiting, hoping that day to see his son returning, most days disappointed until the one day there's his son.
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And what's what's interesting about that story is to look at what did not happen.
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And so what does not happen is dad is not there with his arms crossed, saying, All right, come, come on, son, come make things, come apologize for what you did, and then we can move forward with this relationship.
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Well, actually, what does happen in the story as dad sees his son far away, filled with compassion, dad actually runs to the son.
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And I think that's that's the beautiful analogy, beautiful picture of God the Father ultimately, but even for a parent to be be on the lookout, be ready.
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But yeah, that's it's a powerful story and a good reminder.
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But it's not always easy, to be honest with you.
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It's just it's not always easy, it's not instant.
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Uh, but I think it's a great picture of God's love for us, how we're called to extend that even to our own children during a difficult season.
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I think about that story too, and how the son, he's rehearsing in his mind all the things he's gonna say and do.
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And I think that's what happens a lot of times with the kids who are prodigals.
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They're overwhelmed with grief and they're like thinking, How am I gonna make this right?
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This isn't my parents are never gonna forgive me, it's never gonna be okay.
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So they have all these things built up, built up where how they're gonna try and fix it.
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What does the what does the father do though when does he even let him get that out?
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I mean, it's he basically just welcomes him back and says, You're still my child and I still love you.
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So, how can parents process feelings of grief, disappointment, and anger, and even embarrassment without allowing those emotions to control how they respond to their child?
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Because I think those are honest, true feelings that parents have.
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So how can they how can they manage those without side swiping the relationship?
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I I believe parents just need permission to grieve.
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That that that would be a big piece of that.
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I mean, as a parent myself, I I couldn't imagine my own one of my kiddos deciding to go wayward or however you want to describe that.
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And I'd like to believe and say that my love will never change for my kid.
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That's not always easy.
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So given give the parents need to just give themselves permission to grieve this season.
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And I and I will use that word very heavily, season, because seasons have a beginning and seasons have an end.
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So, so, and I'm grateful for that.
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But yeah, permission to grieve.
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It's normal to feel sadness, disappointment, anger, embarrassment, all the things we've been talking about.
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Uh, but I think the the emotions should be careful, they should be processed though with God, with it, with a trusted friend, spouse, a mentor, counselor, all those things.
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Parents should ask, what am I feeling?
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What is true?
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What is mine to carry?
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What am I responsible for and all of this?
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But yeah, so those processing the disappointment, the grief, and the anger, the embarrassment, all those things are really, really important so that when the prodigal does return, you're actually open and loving and ready to receive with open arms, just like the story we talked about, prodigal returning.
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I also agree with Ray though on that question.
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I think that a lot of times parents can kind of also beat themselves up, like, why am I feeling this way?
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I sh I'm the adult, I shouldn't be feeling these things.
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But like it's important to remember that even a parent is also human and that parents are also gonna make mistakes.
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And I think it's important for kids to see that too.
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It's like it's good to have high expectations for your kids, but also show them that, like, hey, I mess up too, and I need grace and I need forgiveness as well.
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Just being able to process all those emotions and then like kind of like we talked about earlier, maybe not necessarily responding out of those emotions, but taking some time to reflect before you just respond to the kid or talk to the kid.
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Yeah, I like too how Ray mentioned, like it is a process, you know?
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It's just not a one-time feeling, most likely.
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You're gonna experience that.
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But also, I feel like the scriptures allow us to sit in those feelings with other people help in a healthy way.
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I think of Romans that says, rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.
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I think adults sometimes want to keep their emotions to themselves and almost hide them from other people.
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But but God, that his word says, no, let those things out.
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Don't hold them in, bury your burdens with one another.
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So I think just having healthy conversations with like-minded adults to to help you process those things will also go a long way.
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Austin, I think that's just so, so smart and important.
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We recently did a podcast on grief, so go check that out if you haven't listened to it yet.
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But one of the things we talked about is the importance of allowing others to share your burden.
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So if you're a if you're a friend of someone who's going through this, I would say reach out to those people too and be a supportive person, understanding that it's not going to be just a short-term type thing.
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This might be something that you need to show up for for a long period of time and be there for your friends to kind of help them through through these tough situations.
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And really understanding too, that's another thing we talked about in the grief episode.
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You don't actually have to say anything.
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You don't have to have the right words.
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Just be there for them, be there someone for the allow them to unburden themselves on.
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And it really does make a big difference.
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So don't feel like you have to have pressure to just be have the all the magic right words to say.
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Just show up.
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And I think if you're a parent, reach out to those people too.
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Or accept a lot of times people will reach out to you to kind of let you do that.
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Maybe drop your pride and really kind of let them let them support you, let them be there for you.
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All right.
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Thank you so much for listening today.
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We hope you enjoyed this show.
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If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarley.org.
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You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for CalFarley's.
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Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.