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Welcome to the Belonging Podcast by Elevate Villages.
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I'm your host, Melissa Kay, and oh my goodness, I have an exciting episode planned for us today.
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What happens when you combine a pharmacology degree, weeks spent in both silence and darkness retreats, a love for human connection, the host of flashbob mob parties across 15 countries.
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But of course, you get the party scientist.
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His name is Jacques Martiquet, and he has generously agreed to be our guest today.
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So, Jacques, welcome to the Belonging Podcast.
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It's such a pleasure to be here, Melissa.
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I would love to start with your experience as a festival medic.
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I think that kind of is gonna pull together your past and your how you got to the future you're in.
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So tell us what we need to know about how you became a festival medic and what you learned.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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So I'll first just throw it at the audience a reflection question for all of us.
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How do we approach celebrating life?
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How do we approach socializing?
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Um, and for a lot of people, they approach socializing with uh substances and with kind of a low energy.
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And so, my purpose on this planet is to bring that energy and that joy and that excitement and that real ecstatic celebration, bring it back because it used to be quite a regular thing before a variety of cultural forces started to suppress it.
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And so I was a medical uh staff at some of the largest festivals in British Columbia, Europe, and Canada.
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And it was the most rewarding thing ever because I was the badass.
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People looked at us and they were like, oh my God, the medics are here.
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We love the medics.
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And we would, we would like to revive young kids pretty much.
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Like we would take them away to the and we would we would like bring them back to life.
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Like when they passed out.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Absolutely.
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They'd be passed out or they'd have a head injury from like violence.
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But I got to see the worst version of celebration.
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And that really fired me up to start questioning how do we socialize?
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How do we celebrate life?
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And why is it that we resort to substances to access this aliveness that we all have inside of us?
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Well, so you're at these festivals where everybody's going to have a great time, and then you're seeing everything that's going wrong when people are trying to connect, trying to have fun.
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Gosh, what an incredible experience.
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So, how did that bring you to be the party scientist?
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It fired me up to question and challenge how we were celebrating.
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And I realized there was this huge need to promote parties that don't need substances.
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Um, better gatherings, better gatherings that are so interesting and energizing that no substances are needed.
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And so I started a Facebook page and uh it was called Party for Health.
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And that Facebook page blew up within a year.
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I had hundreds of people attending my events.
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I got interviewed by Vice Media, I was all over the news, and we invented these really creative events that some people liked, others didn't.
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But uh, it just absolutely exploded, and that eventually led to my career in public speaking.
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And now the form that it takes is joymaking, which is all about spreading joy, separate from screens, substances, and stuff.
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But uh it was a large journey.
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Anyway, separate from screens, substances, and stuff.
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So we can get joy without our screens, without any substances, and without all of our stuff.
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Is that what you're saying?
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Yeah, it's like a radical, a radical deconditioning, reverse conditioning.
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I love it.
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So how do you how does a party, how does bringing people together, creating joy, how do you do that without screens, substances, and stuff?
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Listen, our philosophy, my philosophy as a joymaker is that the like untapped, limitless source of joy is human connection.
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And we're often so uncreative when it comes to human connection.
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We just stay in conversation.
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And conversation had has its limitations.
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We used to be these nonverbal primates, according to my philosophy.
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And so we need to get more creative with how we socialize.
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And there's all these different practices that we can incorporate into our gatherings: play, singing, dance, movement, improv - like there's just this whole area of human connection that we don't explore because we're stuck in this conversation.
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Um, and conversation is beautiful, and especially when it's vulnerable and it incorporates storytelling.
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But really, we just need to get more creative with how we socialize.
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We need to get better at asking questions.
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We gotta do activities together, actually together, not together but separate.
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Like, you know, when you're in a fitness class, you're doing it together, but actually separate.
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You may have your headphones on or whatever.
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So, really, we just need to explore all the possible activities that we can bring in to our social behaviors.
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And it, and like, you know, as the party scientist, I've learned about these.
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And as I've studied them, I've realized, wow, I was scratching the surface.
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For like the first 27 years of my life, I was suppressed, and I was not really experiencing the true potential of human connection to really lift me up and create a meaningful life for me.
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God, I really resonate with that because I was a ballroom dancer for 20 years.
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And so I spent every day after work going in and dancing and dancing with all sorts of people.
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And sometimes you talked, sometimes you didn't, often you didn't, especially at social parties or during group lessons.
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And so you would be dancing with somebody before you ever knew who they were, what they did.
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Like you didn't have to have those conversations.
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Oh, oh, what do you do?
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Okay, you know, and hope you hit it off, hope there's chemistry.
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But in dance, automatically you felt this really amazing connection.
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And my love language is quality time and physical touch.
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So, like, perfect spot for me to feel really connected.
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But there is something about, like, I'm thinking like rhythm, whether it's just like you're getting in a rhythm or you're dancing, even just a smile, all of that transcends language.
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I can tell you how many people I've danced with that I we didn't talk at all because we spoke different languages.
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Um, so it's really powerful.
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So give me an example of something you would do.
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I know that for I don't know if you're still doing it, but you were doing flash mobs.
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Oh, yeah.
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We did a lot of money.
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Tell me about that because there's a bunch of movement and people just popping up.
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Tell us about the joy that that created.
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Um, well, I first just want to emphasize the word you said quality time.
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And, you know, a lot of people misunderstand me.
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They think that I'm just this advocate for this wild, chaotic energy.
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And I think it's so important to let loose.
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And I think adults especially don't have the opportunity to let loose.
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But my favorite, like some of my favorite memories are two-hour-long one-on-one lunches with my friends where I get to understand their lives deeply.
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And this is an aspect of joymaking.
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It's how do we guide conversations to be more joyful and energizing as well.
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Um, but I think what you're referring to, I did this for years, but most recently, uh, during the World Cup, we had thousands of people following us through the streets, young kids and teenagers and old people, people from India and people from Latin America.
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It was just so remarkable.
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And we would do all sorts of activities involving movement and singing.
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Like often there'd be a circle of 200 people singing a song together.
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Um, we did give out maple syrup shots.
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That was hilarious.
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But one of my favorite activities is it's called uh a celebration runway, and essentially you just have two lines of people, and then one at a time, people go down the runway and dance, and everyone claps and celebrates and dances with them.
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So that's one of my favorite.
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We have some games that are based on the variation of the conga line.
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Sometimes we'll carry people down the street.
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It's like crowdsurfing, but really controlled.
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And then, but these are flash mobs, so like people have limited attention span to play like the more complicated games.
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But some of the complicated games that we like to play at Joymaker Camp, um, there's a bunch of like improv games where people will like suggest an activity to the group.
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We have a game called Yes Let's, where one person screams, yes, let's pretend to clean the house, and then the whole group pretends to clean the house.
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So it's like a creative, active, constructive responding exercise where you learn to like really respond constructively to what people are sharing.
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And this is really important because when people take social risks around us, how we respond predicts how much risk they will take in the future.
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And my belief is that the more risks people can take around us, the better the party will be and the better the relationship will be.
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And it all relates to social risk.
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And so if we can increase the amount of social risk in our interactions, we're gonna be more vulnerable with each other.
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Right, right.
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What are ways that people who gather can welcome and encourage people to take that social risk?
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The first thing that comes to mind is the vulnerable introduction.
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The way that we introduce ourselves, I mean, most hosts, they don't even introduce themselves.
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They're called invisible hosts.
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And that is just a missed opportunity.
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People are so afraid of being labeled an ecomaniac and an attention seeker.
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But the reality is in this world, if you don't have attention, you have limited impact.
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With attention on you, you can dramatically shift the social norms of the room.
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And so when you are introducing yourself, when you're welcoming everyone at your gathering, the way that you introduce yourself, and if you are imperfect and you are unpolished and you share something vulnerable about yourself, that's gonna dramatically change how people feel in the room.
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The the second thing is by leading vitalizers.
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We call them vitalizers, and these are structured activities that energize the social dynamic.
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And what I mean by energize, it means make it more meaningful, make it more joyful, make it more emotional.
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The games, the activities, the authentic relating where it would be a guided conversation, those are the things that made people feel safe to take risks.
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And the final thing I'll say is just when we demonstrate the social norms, like people are always following our lead for what is acceptable in the room.
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And the way that you demonstrate, if you're perfect, I mean, you're a ballroom dancer.
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If you were to dance really well in a group of people on the street, my guess is that they would think it was a performance instead of something that they could join in.
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And you're demonstrating in a way that intimidates people.
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And so you gotta demonstrate, we gotta demonstrate in a way that's goofy and imperfect.
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And like the more human and imperfect we are in our speech and in our behaviors, people are gonna want to participate and take risks.
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Do you have anything to add?
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That makes so much sense.
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Oh, it's so, so true.
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I'm thinking kind of what's coming up for me as I'm listening to you is also fast forward to like this day from my dance time till now, this day of AI, everything is so perfect and curated that just real humanness, like just let's not say the perfect thing.
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Let's not have the perfect contoured makeup, let's not like let's just be real.
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Because I think as we continue on over the next few years, things are gonna get less and less and less and less real.
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So us as humans showing up just to be real.
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But yeah, I think that was a very good point you made that if you're trying to engage people to join in, you have to allow that goofy or silly or untrained so that other people so we're setting the bar pretty low so that everyone feels they can join join in.
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Absolutely.
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And I'll also add, you know, when you're at a corporate conference, um, the approach is different, right?
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Uh I per I performed at uh conferences at five star hotels and I've opened the conferences, and that's a little different, right?
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Versus being on the street and hosting a flash mob.
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And sometimes I dress really nicely and I dress super high class, and that's that's what works for that audience, right?
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Know your audience for sure.
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Yeah.
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So let's talk, let's shift a little bit to the topic of belonging.
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I think that joy and belonging are kind of meshed together.
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First off, what is your personal definition or reflection on belonging?
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Hmm.
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What comes to mind is a few things.
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We can label belonging, we can try and define it by these objective things, like, oh, we share values or we do the same thing.
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But I think it's really about a feeling.
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And it's a feeling that I can be myself without risking being abandoned or criticized or um removed from the group.
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Uh, when I've experienced the most belonging, I've been able to make jokes without fearing um offending people, as an example.
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I've I've been able to be this really goofy, silly version, and I haven't been concerned about being punished.
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And so there's a relationship between belonging and psychological safety, absolutely.
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And psychological safety is a shared belief that we can take risks and we're not going to get punished.
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But I also think that belonging has this continuity to it.
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It's like I'm in a group and these people are present in my life.
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And I think there's um we have a concept in the joymaking curriculum called social wealth.
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And the more you invest in your social wealth, the more risks you can take in the world.
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And social wealth is this belief like I have my people, they're not gonna abandon me for me making mistakes, and they're gonna stick around.
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And so I think that belonging also relies on this future expectation that my community is gonna be around for me and it's not gonna suddenly disappear if I make a mistake.
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So those are a few aspects.
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Yeah.
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Wow, I love that.
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This is the first time I've described it that way.
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So good.
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Um yeah, I don't talk about elevate villages a lot on the podcast, but this really brings in a really important piece of it.
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So youth who've been in the foster system and most of these most of their lives, they've been in 20 to 30 placements, whether homes or group homes, and all of a sudden they're 18, 19, and the state's signs off, and now they have to go figure out life, having never belonged, having never had consistency belonging.
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And so what I find happens is there's a lot of programs afterwards that will come in and it's a year-long program and a two-year program.
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But all of these things, just like what you said, that future of I'm gonna belong here for a long time is never there for the youth.
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And so with the Elevate Villages model, we're building villages where there is no end date.
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They don't come for one year, they come until they want to leave.
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And when they leave, they can still come back.
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Come back, celebrate holidays with us, come back for your birthday.
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Like we want to see you, we want to celebrate your successes with you.
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And that's why it is a village because we're their people.
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We're your family.
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We're not gonna, this isn't just a short-term thing for us to get you one more step further in life before you crash and burn.
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No, we're not gonna let you crash and burn because you're gonna stay here forever, um, connected to us in whatever way you choose.
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So I love that you brought that up.
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That part of belonging is feeling like this is a long-term, like where I'm at, and while belonging can be momentary in a group, but still like who I am doesn't need to change.
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I don't have to be on some timeline and you're choosing me, and I'm choosing you, and we're here in this space.
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I think there's something really kind of profound and and deep about that.
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Can you remember some times, Jacques, when you didn't feel like you belonged?
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You felt disconnected or unable to show up as as the brilliant you.
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Well.
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Um Yeah, I mean, there's there's a few memories that come to mind, but I just want to echo something that you've shared.
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I think there's there's a lot of conditions that we put on belonging, and I think some of those conditions are we have to be similar to the people around us.
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And I just compare that version to this other version of like rural belonging, where not everyone's like you because there's so few people, yet it has this aspect of functionality, meaning people may be totally different, yet people are making the decision to come together and to help each other and to share resources.
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And so I think what I want to emphasize here is that there's easy belonging and then there's like chosen belonging.
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And easy belonging is when you speak the same language and you have the same values and you have the same degree and level of education, and that's like a great thing to have.
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You do.
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And the same thing, kind of a proximity belonging.
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I belong because all of our stuff is the same and it's easy because I understand you and you understand me, and we don't have to work at discovering each other.
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Absolutely.
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And I think what you're describing is this more like needs-based belonging, which is so natural to our species.
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We would not exist if we did not learn how to socialize and help each other fulfill our needs.
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Um, and when we choose that, we no longer ask ourselves, oh, is this someone who I want to be around?
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Is this someone I like?
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It's more like, no, like they're a part of my community and we have a shared goal of thriving as a community.
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And I guess what I really want to get at is so often we think our way out of belonging.
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We come up with all these reasons why we are not like other people.
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And we we we just manufacture it in our heads because people are different than us.
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Um, but I like you said with dance, you didn't even, you didn't even share a Word with some of these people, yet you felt so connected with them.
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Now, I think like my standard of belonging is very high.
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So I want to be deeply understood by people that are in my strong ties, right?
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This is another concept that I think we can touch on is weak ties versus strong ties.
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I'm very selective about my strong ties, and I'm very non-selective about my weak ties.
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Meaning I will have conversations with strangers all the time.
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I will have deep, enriching conversations, and they may be totally different than me.
00:22:34.400 --> 00:22:43.759
They may be wackos, but yet I have a beautiful interaction with them and it lifts my entire day versus strong ties.
00:22:44.240 --> 00:22:52.720
But but the point I'm really making is we want to learn how to access this feeling of belonging like in more places.
00:22:53.279 --> 00:23:17.359
And I think part of my purpose on this earth is how can I equip people with the skills and the leadership and the courage so that they can create that sense of belonging with anyone and they can feel safe and they can create rapport and they can they can like facilitate that that deep understanding.
00:23:17.920 --> 00:23:26.960
Um, but I don't think it's it what I'm getting, it's not necessary to be similar to people to access this feeling of belonging, right?
00:23:27.279 --> 00:23:27.920
Absolutely.
00:23:28.079 --> 00:23:34.799
And I think one I what's what I'm noticing when you're talking about that, and first off, the what did you call it?
00:23:34.960 --> 00:23:37.680
The person that's maybe just a one-time connection.
00:23:38.000 --> 00:23:38.640
Weak ties.
00:23:38.880 --> 00:23:40.240
The weak ties and the strong ties.
00:23:40.319 --> 00:23:40.640
I love it.
00:23:40.720 --> 00:23:53.920
In this on this podcast, we've talked a lot about like the circles, like you have different circles to belonging or the pyramid, like you have so yes, I love that the weak ties and strong ties, because there's a lot of different ways we can belong.
00:23:54.000 --> 00:23:59.599
You can't have an forever intimate and know everybody at the same level.
00:23:59.839 --> 00:24:08.400
Um and I think what we can do is everyone that's a human being, we're human.
00:24:08.559 --> 00:24:11.200
Like that is our connection, that is our commonality.
00:24:11.359 --> 00:24:15.039
And I believe that we're all responsible for each other.
00:24:15.359 --> 00:24:26.079
So if someone is completely not like me, maybe believes different than me and looks different than me and acts different than me and talks different than me, doesn't mean that they don't belong to me.
00:24:26.240 --> 00:24:34.720
I still have the responsibility as a human in that moment that our paths cross, that we're walking, maybe one step, maybe five steps.
00:24:35.039 --> 00:24:40.400
It's my responsibility as a human to walk with that person that they belong to me in that moment.
00:24:40.559 --> 00:24:47.279
And I act completely different when I show up as you belong to me in the grocery store.
00:24:47.359 --> 00:24:55.680
I might only see you in one aisle, but that aisle, if we can if our eyes connect, if you're reaching for a can and you can't reach it, if you drop some, you belong to me.
00:24:55.839 --> 00:24:58.960
How would I treat you if you were my dearest friend?
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:02.880
Um, yeah, that's the level I take belonging to.
00:25:03.119 --> 00:25:05.200
That that's that's so powerful.
00:25:05.440 --> 00:25:11.200
And I'm I'm really curious about that because I think there's a parallel between you and I.
00:25:11.440 --> 00:25:24.000
For me, I choose to spread joy with people, and my joy in my life, I'm responsible for that joy, and I don't wait for it to happen.
00:25:24.240 --> 00:25:32.319
And I feel like one of the objections I get is like, don't you feel like you're always on and you're not at yourself?
00:25:32.640 --> 00:25:33.359
Are you performing?
00:25:33.680 --> 00:25:34.160
Yeah, yeah.
00:25:34.400 --> 00:25:35.279
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:25:35.359 --> 00:25:44.079
So, so like, do you ever like just turn off the belonging facilitator and like put your blinders on?
00:25:44.240 --> 00:25:48.960
I'm sure it's like yeah, that's a great question.
00:25:49.599 --> 00:25:54.880
Yes, because I I don't think my natural inclination is to look at everyone like I belong to them.
00:25:54.960 --> 00:25:59.599
Sometimes I'll leave the grocery store and I'll realize that I didn't see anybody.
00:26:00.319 --> 00:26:05.279
They were there, but I didn't take the time and the effort and the energy to see them.
00:26:05.440 --> 00:26:11.920
I think saying that everyone belongs to me and I choose to make them feel that way is a goal.
00:26:12.240 --> 00:26:14.559
And I don't, I am not there a hundred percent.
00:26:14.799 --> 00:26:14.960
Yeah.
00:26:15.119 --> 00:26:15.920
I try to be.
00:26:16.079 --> 00:26:20.400
I've chosen to live a more still life.
00:26:20.559 --> 00:26:23.839
Like I leave spaciousness in my life so that I can take time.
00:26:23.920 --> 00:26:31.119
If if you're running, if you have your schedule jam-packed and you have three minutes to get into the grocery store and grab milk, you're not gonna see anybody.
00:26:31.200 --> 00:26:32.000
You're not gonna have time.
00:26:32.160 --> 00:26:33.599
I mean, and you don't have a lot of time.
00:26:33.680 --> 00:26:35.839
I'm not saying sit down and have conversations.
00:26:36.160 --> 00:26:37.039
Eye contact.
00:26:37.200 --> 00:26:37.759
Eye contact.
00:26:38.079 --> 00:26:39.759
Smile, like just that.
00:26:40.240 --> 00:26:42.000
I gotta add to something you just said.
00:26:42.079 --> 00:26:42.400
Yeah.
00:26:42.559 --> 00:26:46.079
It's this concept of time famine.
00:26:46.559 --> 00:26:47.680
Have you heard of this concept?
00:26:48.000 --> 00:26:48.799
Time famine.
00:26:49.119 --> 00:26:49.759
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:26:49.839 --> 00:26:50.640
So bring it on.
00:26:50.880 --> 00:26:53.920
This is a this is a concept in the science of happiness.
00:26:54.079 --> 00:27:02.079
And it turns out that when we have time famine, we do not help people who need help on the side of the street.
00:27:02.240 --> 00:27:05.200
We we put our blinders on and we don't talk to strangers.
00:27:05.359 --> 00:27:24.480
And this is one of the factors I I think, like I think this is one of the mechanisms by which people who have less financial resources, they don't have the capacity to be kind sometimes or because they're in survival mode.
00:27:24.799 --> 00:27:26.319
Basically, yeah, yeah.
00:27:26.559 --> 00:27:40.079
So when we have time famine and when we're in a rush, it dramatically reduces the amount of joy that we can create in our day-to-day lives with strangers, with the cashier, with the person in the sauna with us, right?
00:27:40.160 --> 00:27:46.720
Like I'm a I'm I talk to everyone in the sauna and I've had the most, the best conversations in the sauna ever.
00:27:47.039 --> 00:27:54.559
Um so, so I love that time famine is both logistical and it's mental.
00:27:54.880 --> 00:27:58.400
Some people feel like they just don't have enough time.
00:27:58.480 --> 00:27:59.119
And guess what?
00:27:59.279 --> 00:28:02.640
Then they go home and they watch movies, right?
00:28:02.720 --> 00:28:04.559
And it's so interesting to me.
00:28:04.640 --> 00:28:04.799
Right.
00:28:05.039 --> 00:28:17.039
Like it's so interesting to me that we were in a rush, and then we will just go waste time on things that just give us pleasure instead of this more rewarding form of joy.
00:28:17.200 --> 00:28:20.799
Like when, and and I love what you said about the eye contact.
00:28:21.119 --> 00:28:26.079
I will just smile at people on the street and I feel so good.
00:28:26.319 --> 00:28:28.400
I feel so good after that.
00:28:28.640 --> 00:28:37.279
And it doesn't require much time to boost our mood through these small interactions.
00:28:37.359 --> 00:28:39.359
So, so I yeah, I love it.
00:28:39.519 --> 00:28:40.640
I absolutely love it.
00:28:40.720 --> 00:28:43.599
And I love what you said about your aspiration too.
00:28:43.920 --> 00:28:52.640
My aspiration, I believe that every small interaction I have with people, every single person I light up, oh, it's fuel.
00:28:52.880 --> 00:28:53.920
I get more energy.
00:28:54.079 --> 00:28:54.160
Yes.
00:28:54.480 --> 00:29:01.200
And when people, when people say to me, Oh, Jacques, you're gonna burn out because you're always in this like facilitator mode.
00:29:01.359 --> 00:29:06.720
And I'm like, sorry, have you experienced what it feels like to make someone's day?
00:29:06.960 --> 00:29:09.440
Like it's addictive, it's the best thing ever.
00:29:09.519 --> 00:29:11.599
It gives me energy for the rest of the day.
00:29:11.759 --> 00:29:12.799
I'm not gonna burn out.
00:29:12.880 --> 00:29:16.319
I'm gonna be doing this till I'm like 200 years old.
00:29:16.640 --> 00:29:18.400
And you'll probably live to 200.
00:29:18.480 --> 00:29:24.160
So tell us on the uh scientific side what happens when we create joy?
00:29:24.319 --> 00:29:26.000
What happens when we smile at somebody?
00:29:26.160 --> 00:29:28.240
What's going on in our in our system?
00:29:28.400 --> 00:29:30.559
Because I know you come from a basis of science.
00:29:30.720 --> 00:29:35.200
So let's talk joy and connection and belonging through science.
00:29:35.680 --> 00:29:36.799
Absolutely.
00:29:37.119 --> 00:29:41.680
So the acronym, okay, there's there's two acronyms I want to share with you.
00:29:41.759 --> 00:29:41.920
Okay.
00:29:42.160 --> 00:29:44.160
The first one, it's quite funny.
00:29:44.319 --> 00:29:49.359
The first one is called LSD Laughing, Singing, Dancing.
00:29:51.359 --> 00:29:52.319
I love that.
00:29:52.640 --> 00:29:56.799
I was presenting at a Laughter Yoga conference last weekend.
00:29:56.880 --> 00:29:57.039
Yeah.
00:29:57.200 --> 00:30:07.200
And these laughter yogis, they are the most unself-conscious, uh, shamelessly positive, goofy people I've ever met.
00:30:07.519 --> 00:30:12.799
And they woke me up to the fact that I still put limitations on myself.
00:30:12.880 --> 00:30:15.200
It was, it was a beautiful experience.
00:30:15.519 --> 00:30:17.759
DOS is the second acronym.
00:30:17.920 --> 00:30:18.160
DOS.
00:30:18.400 --> 00:30:22.319
And that stands for dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins.
00:30:22.559 --> 00:30:28.799
Now, dopamine gets a bad rap, but dopamine is a feel-good chemical.
00:30:29.599 --> 00:30:34.400
And we we want to learn how to naturally elevate our dopamine.
00:30:34.640 --> 00:30:38.319
And it increases our focus and our energy.
00:30:38.640 --> 00:30:44.720
Endorphins and oxytocin, those are the social bonding neurotransmitters.
00:30:45.039 --> 00:30:52.880
Oxytocin is primarily responsible for pair bonding, and it's usually present in those one-on-one connections.
00:30:53.039 --> 00:30:57.119
And then endorphins are the ones that we don't often talk about.
00:30:57.200 --> 00:31:02.960
And endorphins get released when we touch each other at 2.5 centimeters per second.
00:31:03.119 --> 00:31:04.799
I know, really specific.
00:31:05.519 --> 00:31:08.960
And this is from the grooming of the chimpanzees.
00:31:10.000 --> 00:31:13.359
Oh, like, oh, interesting.
00:31:13.759 --> 00:31:21.920
So, yeah, there's tactile receptors in our skin that get activated at 2.5 centimeters per second.
00:31:22.000 --> 00:31:22.880
Isn't that crazy?
00:31:23.039 --> 00:31:24.480
The body is a wire.
00:31:25.359 --> 00:31:28.799
What I really want to emphasize is the power of synchrony.
00:31:29.039 --> 00:31:39.440
When we laugh together, when we sing together, and when we move together, synchrony happens and that releases endorphins.
00:31:39.839 --> 00:31:45.359
And that's why when we sing together, we feel much closer to people.
00:31:45.680 --> 00:31:54.319
When we jump in unison together, when we laugh in unison, this happens in conversations all the time, these synchrony uh moments.
00:31:54.720 --> 00:32:06.000
Um, I think the most under-leveraged neurotransmitter-based activity for facilitating human connection is the movement piece.
00:32:06.160 --> 00:32:10.799
The movement piece because it also elevates our physical energy and our focus.
00:32:11.039 --> 00:32:16.319
And so often we're just in a low energy state that is just lethargic.
00:32:16.480 --> 00:32:26.480
If you go to an average gathering, it's like people are caffeinated, they're drinking alcohol, and they're doing a lot of these substances to keep their energy high.
00:32:26.640 --> 00:32:36.319
But if we were to just use physical movement, and this is why I'm such a big advocate for play and movement-based play, is because it really elevates people's energy.
00:32:36.480 --> 00:32:44.880
And then what happens is it becomes easier to have a rich conversation because our neurochemistry is changed, right?
00:32:45.200 --> 00:32:45.680
Yeah.
00:32:45.920 --> 00:32:46.559
Yeah.
00:32:47.359 --> 00:32:54.160
So that leads me back to kind of where we started of being able, people, we want to be together.
00:32:54.319 --> 00:32:55.519
We want to have fun.
00:32:55.680 --> 00:33:01.680
And I think no one wants that more than youth, like getting to your teenage years, college.
00:33:02.079 --> 00:33:09.200
And so at the time that we're recording this podcast, the Cornell 7 has just is everywhere in the news.
00:33:09.920 --> 00:33:11.759
And this has been a problem for decades.
00:33:11.839 --> 00:33:12.960
It's not a new thing.
00:33:13.200 --> 00:33:13.519
Yep.
00:33:13.839 --> 00:33:18.559
That college drinking on college campuses, and I assume also in high school.
00:33:19.279 --> 00:33:25.359
Now you have a bunch of people whose frontal lobes aren't even fully developed yet, and now you're adding alcohol and substance to it.
00:33:25.519 --> 00:33:28.240
And so really horrible things happen.
00:33:28.559 --> 00:33:30.640
You obviously saw that in festivals.
00:33:31.599 --> 00:33:42.799
I'm very passionate about this subject because in Elevate Villages, the youth that we will be working with, how do we reimagine what people think is fun?
00:33:42.960 --> 00:33:44.640
Oh, I'm gonna go get wasted.
00:33:44.960 --> 00:33:47.200
Why has that been what we think is fun?
00:33:47.359 --> 00:34:00.799
And how can we instead create healthy environments where we can connect and have fun, but not be compromising our health, not be compromising our self-respect, not feel like we have to do something that we don't want to do?
00:34:00.880 --> 00:34:06.960
Like, what would a pure, honest, natural thing of having fun, what might that look like?
00:34:07.359 --> 00:34:09.280
You can pick anything in that to talk about.
00:34:09.360 --> 00:34:10.800
I know I just threw a lot at you.
00:34:11.679 --> 00:34:14.880
I'm so passionate about this subject.
00:34:15.440 --> 00:34:21.119
When we deactivate our frontal lobe, we lose connection with the person in front of us.
00:34:22.719 --> 00:34:23.519
We lose attunement.
00:34:23.840 --> 00:34:24.400
Say that again.
00:34:24.559 --> 00:34:25.519
Say that again.
00:34:25.920 --> 00:34:34.239
When we deactivate our frontal lobe, we lose our empathy, our attunement, our connection with the person in front of us.
00:34:34.880 --> 00:34:41.199
Naturally, humans are empathetic and we feel, we feel another person's pain.
00:34:41.360 --> 00:34:50.880
There's a few out there who are total psychopaths, yes, but the majority of us, we are reciprocal, we are kind, we respond, we respond.
00:34:51.039 --> 00:34:53.679
We can't, it's hard to hurt people.
00:34:53.840 --> 00:34:55.760
That's my belief about human nature.
00:34:55.920 --> 00:34:59.519
And so when we deactivate that frontal lobe, we lose that.
00:34:59.760 --> 00:35:01.280
And I witnessed this.
00:35:01.440 --> 00:35:06.639
I was a sexual health educator during Me Too on a university campus.
00:35:06.800 --> 00:35:09.280
I was leading workshops about consent.
00:35:09.519 --> 00:35:10.400
Powerful work.
00:35:10.480 --> 00:35:17.039
I actually remember speaking in front of the first-year residents about safe sex.
00:35:17.519 --> 00:35:25.519
And uh I smile now because you know, there were some some some really just graphic subjects discussed.
00:35:26.000 --> 00:35:26.320
No doubt.
00:35:27.440 --> 00:35:37.760
But I'm I'm so proud and I'm so happy that my mentor, she really brought me into sober partying before I was even a medic through this work of sexual assault prevention.
00:35:38.079 --> 00:35:41.440
Um, now let's come back to your question.
00:35:42.480 --> 00:35:56.719
How do we help people feel safe to have fun, feel safe to open up, express themselves without alcohol, drugs, and ideally screens as well?
00:35:57.599 --> 00:36:08.800
And I think the simple answer is we must learn how to design more psychologically safe environments.
00:36:09.199 --> 00:36:09.519
Okay.
00:36:10.400 --> 00:36:18.639
That's one aspect is how can we empower young leaders to become better gatherers and hosts?
00:36:18.880 --> 00:36:21.360
And so they become the alcohol for people.
00:36:21.519 --> 00:36:21.920
You know what?
00:36:22.000 --> 00:36:26.400
One of my mantras is I am people's alcohol.
00:36:26.639 --> 00:36:26.960
Okay.
00:36:27.440 --> 00:36:29.599
I help them disinhibit.
00:36:29.840 --> 00:36:32.880
Listen, alcohol has great aspects to it.
00:36:33.039 --> 00:36:37.599
Some people, you will never see them hug unless they're drunk.
00:36:37.840 --> 00:36:41.599
Okay, so I don't wanna I don't wanna say that alcohol is universally bad.
00:36:41.760 --> 00:36:50.079
I think for for a lot of men, especially men, we struggle to be affectionate with each other and dance and and express ourselves.
00:36:50.400 --> 00:36:53.119
And I think both genders have their stuff.
00:36:53.360 --> 00:37:02.880
But uh I think what we need to think about is how do we design gatherings that just naturally disinhibit people, make people feel safe to open up, be goofy.
00:37:03.119 --> 00:37:13.599
And what we need to do is we need to empower, we need to give more leaders the skills to step up and lead people with authority.
00:37:13.840 --> 00:37:18.719
And I wish, I wish when I was in high school I had the skills that I have right now.
00:37:18.880 --> 00:37:28.079
Because what I would have done for my high school, I would have created the most rich learning community environment ever because I have the skills now, right?
00:37:28.159 --> 00:37:32.400
I have the skills to bring people together and make people feel safe.
00:37:32.639 --> 00:37:36.000
The second thing I think is already happening.
00:37:36.239 --> 00:37:42.079
I think drinking is losing its glamour and health consciousness is becoming more cool.
00:37:42.320 --> 00:37:47.840
And so there's this whole like status programming and it's shadow.
00:37:48.000 --> 00:37:52.480
It's a shadow of our species, the fact that we're so driven by status.
00:37:52.719 --> 00:37:55.360
We care so much about how we're perceived.
00:37:55.519 --> 00:38:01.679
But let's use those neural circuits to uplift humanity.
00:38:01.920 --> 00:38:05.199
Let's let's let's re-engineer what cool is.
00:38:05.360 --> 00:38:15.920
Let's make cool being able to be confident without alcohol and being able to dance without substances and and being the one who makes people laugh.
00:38:16.079 --> 00:38:26.000
And I don't have all the answers for that one, so maybe you have some, but young people respond to what is socially desirable, right?
00:38:26.159 --> 00:38:31.840
And so I think really what we're talking about right now, Melissa, is public health.
00:38:32.559 --> 00:38:38.239
And we go back to the public health victory over smoking.
00:38:38.480 --> 00:38:41.440
How did public health beat smoking?
00:38:41.760 --> 00:38:53.440
Well, one aspect is that the young people hated that old corporate snobs were profiting off them.
00:38:53.519 --> 00:38:55.599
And the young people wanted to rebel.
00:38:55.840 --> 00:38:57.119
Okay, that's one aspect.
00:38:57.199 --> 00:38:58.480
There's many aspects.
00:38:58.639 --> 00:39:00.400
The other one was accessibility.
00:39:00.559 --> 00:39:04.000
Smoking became really hard to get and purchase.
00:39:04.159 --> 00:39:16.000
There's all these different public health levers that we can pull, but I think the most powerful one, and you and I, we're we're social engineers, we're interested in how to how to engineer social dynamics.
00:39:16.239 --> 00:39:23.280
How do we redefine what is cool, what is high status, what is rewarded in a room?
00:39:23.440 --> 00:39:34.960
That's something that I think we need to think about, and and university administrators need to think about is how can they get into this like status hierarchy psychology?
00:39:35.280 --> 00:39:36.239
Yeah, yeah.
00:39:36.480 --> 00:39:38.000
Yeah, what do you think?
00:39:38.480 --> 00:39:58.159
I think it's I'm encouraged to talk to someone like you, a couple decades younger than I am, I'm imagining, and you're like leading this new younger generation, and you're saying this is normal, this is cool, this is how we can gather.
00:39:58.320 --> 00:40:02.480
Um, so that to me is there's hope, there's possibility.
00:40:02.800 --> 00:40:12.960
So I'd like you to, if you would, to imagine with me that you are walking beside me as we're designing elevate villages.
00:40:13.119 --> 00:40:18.960
We have the land, maybe there's a path through it, and we're designing different pieces of it.
00:40:19.920 --> 00:40:24.880
What would be knowing that we're gonna have youth from 18 on up?
00:40:25.039 --> 00:40:31.360
We're also gonna have adult other people coming in and living in the village so that we have neighbors.
00:40:31.599 --> 00:40:40.400
What is the one thing that you would make absolutely sure we don't forget in the architecture of our village?
00:40:44.800 --> 00:40:45.280
Wow.
00:40:45.440 --> 00:40:48.960
Well, I'm first so excited about this vision you have.
00:40:49.760 --> 00:40:55.599
And I love the word village, and I crave to live in a village.
00:40:56.000 --> 00:41:00.400
So, and this is absolutely what I want to do as well.
00:41:00.559 --> 00:41:05.519
I want to live in a village that celebrates joy and personal growth.
00:41:05.840 --> 00:41:16.480
Um I think the most important part of the community building process is the onboarding.
00:41:17.679 --> 00:41:18.000
Okay.
00:41:18.320 --> 00:41:21.280
How do people join?
00:41:22.159 --> 00:41:24.960
How do we educate new members?
00:41:25.840 --> 00:41:29.519
How do we set them up for success?
00:41:29.920 --> 00:41:37.039
What is that first connection that they have, that first one-on-one connection that they have with someone there?
00:41:37.519 --> 00:41:44.960
I have these these small villages, they're called Joymaker camps, and I have people sign a social contract.
00:41:45.519 --> 00:41:54.480
I have people go through, and one of them is I pledge to be, I I even swear in it.
00:41:54.559 --> 00:42:00.400
I it's like I pledge to be fucking fun, forgiving, and one other word or something.
00:42:00.559 --> 00:42:19.599
And of course, it's playful and there's room for negotiation, but I just think it's so important to this is gonna sound harsh, but uh someone who's not ready to be in community.
00:42:19.760 --> 00:42:26.559
If we are forcing people to be in the village, it is it is so much more challenging to create belonging.
00:42:26.880 --> 00:42:34.960
And so I think the most important aspect is to really educate people about what this is.
00:42:35.519 --> 00:42:46.400
And if they are eager and they they really want to be a part of it and they wanna learn the social norms and they want to contribute, we need to bring those people in.
00:42:46.480 --> 00:42:57.760
We need to give them the tools to contribute, and we need to connect them with one or two people and facilitate deep one-on-one conversations with those one or two people.
00:42:57.920 --> 00:43:06.880
And then they're gonna have, they're gonna feel like they have someone watching their back and they're gonna start to become themselves and they're gonna start to reach out to other people in the community.
00:43:07.039 --> 00:43:12.480
But I think it's those, it only takes one best friend to transform our lives.
00:43:12.719 --> 00:43:20.480
It only takes one person to have our back and really care about us to create that sense of psychological safety.
00:43:20.639 --> 00:43:27.840
So I think it's that intentional pairing and that really intentional educational onboarding system.
00:43:28.000 --> 00:43:29.280
That what do you think of that?
00:43:29.440 --> 00:43:32.719
It's there's a little bit of uh selection there, right?
00:43:32.960 --> 00:43:33.840
No, I love it.
00:43:33.920 --> 00:43:50.480
I it's interesting this is coming up now because for the last, I don't know, little while of time, as we're moving this process forward and getting closer and closer to Brunky Ground on the first village, what's come up for me is that we can't build the village and then bring people in.
00:43:50.719 --> 00:43:56.000
So we're thinking of having something called the landing zone where people will come.
00:43:56.159 --> 00:43:59.760
The first group of youth will actually help us envision the village and help us build it.
00:44:00.639 --> 00:44:09.599
But in order to come into the village, whether you're youth or adult, you have to live at that landing zone for X amount of time, a week, six weeks.
00:44:09.679 --> 00:44:11.039
And during it is your program.
00:44:11.199 --> 00:44:12.320
How is the governance working?
00:44:12.480 --> 00:44:15.519
How do we facilitate conflict resolution?
00:44:15.679 --> 00:44:17.599
Like we learn all of this.
00:44:17.840 --> 00:44:23.119
And at the end of that period of time, if it's not a good fit for you, we bless you and send you on.
00:44:23.199 --> 00:44:25.519
If you're a youth, we're going to make sure you're safe for a few months.
00:44:25.599 --> 00:44:27.920
You can get, you know, get your life going.
00:44:28.320 --> 00:44:35.440
If you're our people, if you want to build this with us, if you're okay with saying, I'm going to do it new, I'm going to do it a different way, then come on in.
00:44:35.599 --> 00:44:36.880
And now you've been trained.
00:44:36.960 --> 00:44:40.320
And so anyway, it's interesting that those are the things we've been talking about.
00:44:40.480 --> 00:44:44.079
And now to have you say this, which is not what I expected you to say.
00:44:44.159 --> 00:44:54.639
And I love that you did because it confirms that we're definitely on the right path, thinking about this landing zone experience before you would actually come into the full village.
00:44:55.199 --> 00:44:55.840
Yeah, yeah.
00:44:55.920 --> 00:44:58.079
I love, I love that system.
00:44:58.239 --> 00:45:03.360
One thing I want to add is eagerness to contribute.
00:45:04.880 --> 00:45:11.280
I think that's got to be the most important aspect and health marker for a community.
00:45:12.079 --> 00:45:13.679
Eagerness to contribute.
00:45:13.920 --> 00:45:20.400
If you have people who come in and they're they don't really want to be there, they don't really want to contribute.
00:45:20.800 --> 00:45:23.920
Absolutely, you can boost their eagerness to contribute.
00:45:24.239 --> 00:45:24.880
You can.
00:45:25.199 --> 00:45:29.119
And I've done that with thousands of people in the streets, right?
00:45:29.280 --> 00:45:39.199
People who don't want to participate, they they think I'm crazy, they think I'm on drugs, but I get them to participate because my my joy is contagious.
00:45:39.679 --> 00:45:41.360
Now that is a harder path.
00:45:41.519 --> 00:45:46.079
The easier path is to select for people who are eager to contribute.
00:45:46.400 --> 00:45:52.559
And then once you have that critical mass, then other people really want to contribute as well because they start joining in, right?
00:45:53.039 --> 00:45:53.440
Got it.
00:45:54.159 --> 00:45:59.840
But absolutely, there are things we can do to boost that eagerness to contribute.
00:46:00.000 --> 00:46:06.880
And one of which is giving them a small experience of the rewards of contribution.
00:46:07.199 --> 00:46:11.840
I give people a small experience of what it's like to dance with strangers.
00:46:12.000 --> 00:46:13.280
And then they feel it.
00:46:13.440 --> 00:46:18.639
And within 10 minutes, they're galloping around a street swinging people.
00:46:18.800 --> 00:46:19.360
You know what I mean?
00:46:19.679 --> 00:46:21.280
I've done that to Cotton Joe, right?
00:46:24.400 --> 00:46:25.039
You know?
00:46:25.599 --> 00:46:26.800
Right there with you.
00:46:27.840 --> 00:46:36.559
So I feel like there's two approaches, but I think the other piece is that the core group of people needs to be so solid.
00:46:37.280 --> 00:46:44.239
And that core group needs to role model the social norms in their perfection.
00:46:44.880 --> 00:46:53.760
And ideally, they're trained in like nonviolent communication because you know, the thing that we don't talk about is like conflict is a natural part of a healthy community.
00:46:54.159 --> 00:46:55.679
And a necessary part.
00:46:56.079 --> 00:46:57.360
It's so necessary.
00:46:57.519 --> 00:46:57.840
Yeah.
00:46:58.079 --> 00:46:58.239
Yeah.
00:46:58.639 --> 00:47:11.199
It's been something I've been circling around lately, is this one of my podcast guests says you can't have a community that doesn't have conflict and doesn't know how to deal with conflict is not a community.
00:47:11.280 --> 00:47:14.000
It's a pseudo-community and it will not last.
00:47:14.639 --> 00:47:25.199
A community that's gonna last long term has to know how to um honorably handle conflict for both parties.
00:47:25.440 --> 00:47:26.800
And it's not a win-lose.
00:47:26.880 --> 00:47:30.320
This is a how do we come together as humans and create the best of both?
00:47:30.960 --> 00:47:32.400
Okay, to wrap it up.
00:47:32.639 --> 00:47:37.440
So Jacques, I love having you on the podcast today.
00:47:37.519 --> 00:47:40.239
I think there is more for us to explore together.
00:47:40.559 --> 00:47:45.119
But before we sign off for our audience today, what do you want to leave them with?
00:47:48.880 --> 00:48:06.400
The social world is far more exciting than we can ever imagine when we learn to step up, take the risk, and lead people.
00:48:18.320 --> 00:48:37.360
And when you learn to create that energy, that joy, that connection, wow, the whole world of opportunity, invitations, promotions, it's just like you see the world in a totally different way.
00:48:37.440 --> 00:49:03.039
And so I encourage everyone to develop the skill of social leadership and and to guide more conversations and to step up and speak up and to be that person who ignites what's possible in a room because no one is doing it, and we're losing our social skills because we're chatting with AI bots and we're on social media.
00:49:03.199 --> 00:49:06.480
And so this skill is only gonna become more valuable.
00:49:06.880 --> 00:49:17.440
And of course, as a joymaker would say, if you want to spice up that skill even more, add some joymaking because people love joy.
00:49:19.840 --> 00:49:23.280
Well, well, well said, Party scientist.
00:49:23.519 --> 00:49:25.840
Jacques, thank you so much for being here.
00:49:26.000 --> 00:49:28.079
For my audience, find Jacques.
00:49:28.159 --> 00:49:30.800
All of his links are down below in the show notes.
00:49:30.960 --> 00:49:33.199
Thank you, audience, for being with us today.
00:49:33.360 --> 00:49:41.360
This has been the Belonging Podcast by Elevate Villages, and thank you to our patron, Deanna Laughlin, for making these conversations possible.
00:49:41.599 --> 00:49:47.039
Until next time, go out there and let's all build belonging together.
00:00:00.080 --> 00:00:03.520
Welcome to the Belonging Podcast by Elevate Villages.
00:00:03.680 --> 00:00:11.599
I'm your host, Melissa Kay, and oh my goodness, I have an exciting episode planned for us today.
00:00:12.480 --> 00:00:27.199
What happens when you combine a pharmacology degree, weeks spent in both silence and darkness retreats, a love for human connection, the host of flashbob mob parties across 15 countries.
00:00:27.920 --> 00:00:31.280
But of course, you get the party scientist.
00:00:31.440 --> 00:00:36.719
His name is Jacques Martiquet, and he has generously agreed to be our guest today.
00:00:36.880 --> 00:00:39.920
So, Jacques, welcome to the Belonging Podcast.
00:00:40.719 --> 00:00:42.880
It's such a pleasure to be here, Melissa.
00:00:44.079 --> 00:00:49.920
I would love to start with your experience as a festival medic.
00:00:50.159 --> 00:00:55.679
I think that kind of is gonna pull together your past and your how you got to the future you're in.
00:00:55.840 --> 00:01:01.039
So tell us what we need to know about how you became a festival medic and what you learned.
00:01:02.640 --> 00:01:04.239
Yeah, absolutely.
00:01:04.640 --> 00:01:10.079
So I'll first just throw it at the audience a reflection question for all of us.
00:01:10.319 --> 00:01:13.200
How do we approach celebrating life?
00:01:13.519 --> 00:01:16.719
How do we approach socializing?
00:01:17.200 --> 00:01:27.760
Um, and for a lot of people, they approach socializing with uh substances and with kind of a low energy.
00:01:28.000 --> 00:01:48.319
And so, my purpose on this planet is to bring that energy and that joy and that excitement and that real ecstatic celebration, bring it back because it used to be quite a regular thing before a variety of cultural forces started to suppress it.
00:01:48.560 --> 00:01:57.599
And so I was a medical uh staff at some of the largest festivals in British Columbia, Europe, and Canada.
00:01:58.000 --> 00:02:03.519
And it was the most rewarding thing ever because I was the badass.
00:02:04.000 --> 00:02:07.120
People looked at us and they were like, oh my God, the medics are here.
00:02:07.200 --> 00:02:08.240
We love the medics.
00:02:08.639 --> 00:02:14.479
And we would, we would like to revive young kids pretty much.
00:02:14.639 --> 00:02:18.800
Like we would take them away to the and we would we would like bring them back to life.
00:02:19.120 --> 00:02:20.560
Like when they passed out.
00:02:20.800 --> 00:02:21.680
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:02:21.759 --> 00:02:22.159
Absolutely.
00:02:22.240 --> 00:02:26.000
They'd be passed out or they'd have a head injury from like violence.
00:02:26.319 --> 00:02:32.080
But I got to see the worst version of celebration.
00:02:32.879 --> 00:02:39.840
And that really fired me up to start questioning how do we socialize?
00:02:40.080 --> 00:02:42.080
How do we celebrate life?
00:02:42.319 --> 00:02:50.719
And why is it that we resort to substances to access this aliveness that we all have inside of us?
00:02:51.039 --> 00:03:00.639
Well, so you're at these festivals where everybody's going to have a great time, and then you're seeing everything that's going wrong when people are trying to connect, trying to have fun.
00:03:01.759 --> 00:03:04.479
Gosh, what an incredible experience.
00:03:06.639 --> 00:03:10.800
So, how did that bring you to be the party scientist?
00:03:15.120 --> 00:03:21.199
It fired me up to question and challenge how we were celebrating.
00:03:21.520 --> 00:03:29.280
And I realized there was this huge need to promote parties that don't need substances.
00:03:29.680 --> 00:03:39.599
Um, better gatherings, better gatherings that are so interesting and energizing that no substances are needed.
00:03:39.759 --> 00:03:46.719
And so I started a Facebook page and uh it was called Party for Health.
00:03:46.960 --> 00:03:50.400
And that Facebook page blew up within a year.
00:03:50.560 --> 00:03:53.120
I had hundreds of people attending my events.
00:03:53.280 --> 00:04:03.120
I got interviewed by Vice Media, I was all over the news, and we invented these really creative events that some people liked, others didn't.
00:04:03.360 --> 00:04:09.919
But uh, it just absolutely exploded, and that eventually led to my career in public speaking.
00:04:10.240 --> 00:04:19.040
And now the form that it takes is joymaking, which is all about spreading joy, separate from screens, substances, and stuff.
00:04:19.279 --> 00:04:20.639
But uh it was a large journey.
00:04:21.120 --> 00:04:25.199
Anyway, separate from screens, substances, and stuff.
00:04:25.439 --> 00:04:30.240
So we can get joy without our screens, without any substances, and without all of our stuff.
00:04:30.399 --> 00:04:31.759
Is that what you're saying?
00:04:32.079 --> 00:04:37.600
Yeah, it's like a radical, a radical deconditioning, reverse conditioning.
00:04:38.000 --> 00:04:38.959
I love it.
00:04:39.439 --> 00:04:49.199
So how do you how does a party, how does bringing people together, creating joy, how do you do that without screens, substances, and stuff?
00:04:49.519 --> 00:04:59.600
Listen, our philosophy, my philosophy as a joymaker is that the like untapped, limitless source of joy is human connection.
00:04:59.920 --> 00:05:04.480
And we're often so uncreative when it comes to human connection.
00:05:04.639 --> 00:05:06.959
We just stay in conversation.
00:05:07.279 --> 00:05:10.240
And conversation had has its limitations.
00:05:10.480 --> 00:05:14.879
We used to be these nonverbal primates, according to my philosophy.
00:05:15.439 --> 00:05:19.759
And so we need to get more creative with how we socialize.
00:05:19.839 --> 00:05:37.199
And there's all these different practices that we can incorporate into our gatherings: play, singing, dance, movement, improv - like there's just this whole area of human connection that we don't explore because we're stuck in this conversation.
00:05:37.839 --> 00:05:44.480
Um, and conversation is beautiful, and especially when it's vulnerable and it incorporates storytelling.
00:05:44.959 --> 00:05:49.439
But really, we just need to get more creative with how we socialize.
00:05:49.600 --> 00:05:51.759
We need to get better at asking questions.
00:05:52.000 --> 00:05:59.600
We gotta do activities together, actually together, not together but separate.
00:05:59.759 --> 00:06:04.959
Like, you know, when you're in a fitness class, you're doing it together, but actually separate.
00:06:05.040 --> 00:06:06.879
You may have your headphones on or whatever.
00:06:07.120 --> 00:06:15.360
So, really, we just need to explore all the possible activities that we can bring in to our social behaviors.
00:06:15.519 --> 00:06:19.360
And it, and like, you know, as the party scientist, I've learned about these.
00:06:19.439 --> 00:06:24.879
And as I've studied them, I've realized, wow, I was scratching the surface.
00:06:25.199 --> 00:06:40.319
For like the first 27 years of my life, I was suppressed, and I was not really experiencing the true potential of human connection to really lift me up and create a meaningful life for me.
00:06:41.040 --> 00:06:46.639
God, I really resonate with that because I was a ballroom dancer for 20 years.
00:06:46.959 --> 00:06:53.600
And so I spent every day after work going in and dancing and dancing with all sorts of people.
00:06:53.839 --> 00:06:59.519
And sometimes you talked, sometimes you didn't, often you didn't, especially at social parties or during group lessons.
00:06:59.600 --> 00:07:05.279
And so you would be dancing with somebody before you ever knew who they were, what they did.
00:07:05.360 --> 00:07:09.360
Like you didn't have to have those conversations.
00:07:09.519 --> 00:07:10.639
Oh, oh, what do you do?
00:07:10.800 --> 00:07:13.600
Okay, you know, and hope you hit it off, hope there's chemistry.
00:07:13.759 --> 00:07:18.879
But in dance, automatically you felt this really amazing connection.
00:07:19.040 --> 00:07:22.560
And my love language is quality time and physical touch.
00:07:22.639 --> 00:07:26.560
So, like, perfect spot for me to feel really connected.
00:07:26.879 --> 00:07:36.879
But there is something about, like, I'm thinking like rhythm, whether it's just like you're getting in a rhythm or you're dancing, even just a smile, all of that transcends language.
00:07:37.120 --> 00:07:42.399
I can tell you how many people I've danced with that I we didn't talk at all because we spoke different languages.
00:07:42.639 --> 00:07:45.199
Um, so it's really powerful.
00:07:45.439 --> 00:07:48.639
So give me an example of something you would do.
00:07:48.879 --> 00:07:53.120
I know that for I don't know if you're still doing it, but you were doing flash mobs.
00:07:53.600 --> 00:07:54.079
Oh, yeah.
00:07:54.160 --> 00:07:54.959
We did a lot of money.
00:07:55.279 --> 00:07:59.360
Tell me about that because there's a bunch of movement and people just popping up.
00:07:59.600 --> 00:08:01.839
Tell us about the joy that that created.
00:08:02.399 --> 00:08:07.199
Um, well, I first just want to emphasize the word you said quality time.
00:08:08.079 --> 00:08:11.040
And, you know, a lot of people misunderstand me.
00:08:11.199 --> 00:08:15.839
They think that I'm just this advocate for this wild, chaotic energy.
00:08:16.480 --> 00:08:19.439
And I think it's so important to let loose.
00:08:19.600 --> 00:08:24.079
And I think adults especially don't have the opportunity to let loose.
00:08:24.800 --> 00:08:36.960
But my favorite, like some of my favorite memories are two-hour-long one-on-one lunches with my friends where I get to understand their lives deeply.
00:08:37.279 --> 00:08:39.840
And this is an aspect of joymaking.
00:08:39.919 --> 00:08:44.240
It's how do we guide conversations to be more joyful and energizing as well.
00:08:44.879 --> 00:09:04.960
Um, but I think what you're referring to, I did this for years, but most recently, uh, during the World Cup, we had thousands of people following us through the streets, young kids and teenagers and old people, people from India and people from Latin America.
00:09:05.120 --> 00:09:06.639
It was just so remarkable.
00:09:06.879 --> 00:09:11.600
And we would do all sorts of activities involving movement and singing.
00:09:11.679 --> 00:09:15.759
Like often there'd be a circle of 200 people singing a song together.
00:09:15.919 --> 00:09:18.879
Um, we did give out maple syrup shots.
00:09:19.120 --> 00:09:20.879
That was hilarious.
00:09:21.120 --> 00:09:35.039
But one of my favorite activities is it's called uh a celebration runway, and essentially you just have two lines of people, and then one at a time, people go down the runway and dance, and everyone claps and celebrates and dances with them.
00:09:35.200 --> 00:09:36.480
So that's one of my favorite.
00:09:36.879 --> 00:09:40.960
We have some games that are based on the variation of the conga line.
00:09:41.120 --> 00:09:43.600
Sometimes we'll carry people down the street.
00:09:43.679 --> 00:09:46.080
It's like crowdsurfing, but really controlled.
00:09:46.240 --> 00:09:53.679
And then, but these are flash mobs, so like people have limited attention span to play like the more complicated games.
00:09:53.919 --> 00:10:06.879
But some of the complicated games that we like to play at Joymaker Camp, um, there's a bunch of like improv games where people will like suggest an activity to the group.
00:10:06.960 --> 00:10:19.200
We have a game called Yes Let's, where one person screams, yes, let's pretend to clean the house, and then the whole group pretends to clean the house.
00:10:19.440 --> 00:10:30.799
So it's like a creative, active, constructive responding exercise where you learn to like really respond constructively to what people are sharing.
00:10:31.039 --> 00:10:43.840
And this is really important because when people take social risks around us, how we respond predicts how much risk they will take in the future.
00:10:44.080 --> 00:10:54.879
And my belief is that the more risks people can take around us, the better the party will be and the better the relationship will be.
00:10:55.039 --> 00:10:57.759
And it all relates to social risk.
00:10:57.919 --> 00:11:07.519
And so if we can increase the amount of social risk in our interactions, we're gonna be more vulnerable with each other.
00:11:08.159 --> 00:11:09.039
Right, right.
00:11:09.200 --> 00:11:17.200
What are ways that people who gather can welcome and encourage people to take that social risk?
00:11:17.919 --> 00:11:21.200
The first thing that comes to mind is the vulnerable introduction.
00:11:21.440 --> 00:11:26.480
The way that we introduce ourselves, I mean, most hosts, they don't even introduce themselves.
00:11:26.639 --> 00:11:29.440
They're called invisible hosts.
00:11:29.840 --> 00:11:32.960
And that is just a missed opportunity.
00:11:33.200 --> 00:11:39.120
People are so afraid of being labeled an ecomaniac and an attention seeker.
00:11:39.279 --> 00:11:45.840
But the reality is in this world, if you don't have attention, you have limited impact.
00:11:46.159 --> 00:11:51.600
With attention on you, you can dramatically shift the social norms of the room.
00:11:51.840 --> 00:12:11.200
And so when you are introducing yourself, when you're welcoming everyone at your gathering, the way that you introduce yourself, and if you are imperfect and you are unpolished and you share something vulnerable about yourself, that's gonna dramatically change how people feel in the room.
00:12:11.519 --> 00:12:16.159
The the second thing is by leading vitalizers.
00:12:16.320 --> 00:12:24.480
We call them vitalizers, and these are structured activities that energize the social dynamic.
00:12:24.559 --> 00:12:31.200
And what I mean by energize, it means make it more meaningful, make it more joyful, make it more emotional.
00:12:31.440 --> 00:12:43.519
The games, the activities, the authentic relating where it would be a guided conversation, those are the things that made people feel safe to take risks.
00:12:44.320 --> 00:12:54.399
And the final thing I'll say is just when we demonstrate the social norms, like people are always following our lead for what is acceptable in the room.
00:12:54.720 --> 00:13:00.240
And the way that you demonstrate, if you're perfect, I mean, you're a ballroom dancer.
00:13:00.559 --> 00:13:13.120
If you were to dance really well in a group of people on the street, my guess is that they would think it was a performance instead of something that they could join in.
00:13:13.679 --> 00:13:17.759
And you're demonstrating in a way that intimidates people.
00:13:17.919 --> 00:13:22.000
And so you gotta demonstrate, we gotta demonstrate in a way that's goofy and imperfect.
00:13:22.080 --> 00:13:31.519
And like the more human and imperfect we are in our speech and in our behaviors, people are gonna want to participate and take risks.
00:13:31.679 --> 00:13:33.120
Do you have anything to add?
00:13:33.759 --> 00:13:35.200
That makes so much sense.
00:13:35.360 --> 00:13:36.720
Oh, it's so, so true.
00:13:36.879 --> 00:13:53.360
I'm thinking kind of what's coming up for me as I'm listening to you is also fast forward to like this day from my dance time till now, this day of AI, everything is so perfect and curated that just real humanness, like just let's not say the perfect thing.
00:13:53.519 --> 00:13:59.120
Let's not have the perfect contoured makeup, let's not like let's just be real.
00:13:59.440 --> 00:14:06.159
Because I think as we continue on over the next few years, things are gonna get less and less and less and less real.
00:14:06.320 --> 00:14:08.879
So us as humans showing up just to be real.
00:14:09.039 --> 00:14:29.679
But yeah, I think that was a very good point you made that if you're trying to engage people to join in, you have to allow that goofy or silly or untrained so that other people so we're setting the bar pretty low so that everyone feels they can join join in.
00:14:30.639 --> 00:14:31.440
Absolutely.
00:14:31.600 --> 00:14:40.399
And I'll also add, you know, when you're at a corporate conference, um, the approach is different, right?
00:14:40.799 --> 00:14:50.240
Uh I per I performed at uh conferences at five star hotels and I've opened the conferences, and that's a little different, right?
00:14:50.480 --> 00:14:55.440
Versus being on the street and hosting a flash mob.
00:14:55.840 --> 00:15:06.639
And sometimes I dress really nicely and I dress super high class, and that's that's what works for that audience, right?
00:15:07.120 --> 00:15:08.480
Know your audience for sure.
00:15:10.159 --> 00:15:10.799
Yeah.
00:15:11.919 --> 00:15:15.679
So let's talk, let's shift a little bit to the topic of belonging.
00:15:15.840 --> 00:15:18.799
I think that joy and belonging are kind of meshed together.
00:15:19.039 --> 00:15:25.360
First off, what is your personal definition or reflection on belonging?
00:15:27.840 --> 00:15:28.480
Hmm.
00:15:28.799 --> 00:15:33.600
What comes to mind is a few things.
00:15:34.000 --> 00:15:43.519
We can label belonging, we can try and define it by these objective things, like, oh, we share values or we do the same thing.
00:15:43.759 --> 00:15:46.480
But I think it's really about a feeling.
00:15:46.799 --> 00:15:59.519
And it's a feeling that I can be myself without risking being abandoned or criticized or um removed from the group.
00:15:59.759 --> 00:16:09.120
Uh, when I've experienced the most belonging, I've been able to make jokes without fearing um offending people, as an example.
00:16:09.279 --> 00:16:15.919
I've I've been able to be this really goofy, silly version, and I haven't been concerned about being punished.
00:16:16.000 --> 00:16:21.440
And so there's a relationship between belonging and psychological safety, absolutely.
00:16:21.600 --> 00:16:28.320
And psychological safety is a shared belief that we can take risks and we're not going to get punished.
00:16:28.559 --> 00:16:33.840
But I also think that belonging has this continuity to it.
00:16:34.080 --> 00:16:40.399
It's like I'm in a group and these people are present in my life.
00:16:40.720 --> 00:16:50.399
And I think there's um we have a concept in the joymaking curriculum called social wealth.
00:16:50.639 --> 00:16:56.559
And the more you invest in your social wealth, the more risks you can take in the world.
00:16:56.720 --> 00:17:06.720
And social wealth is this belief like I have my people, they're not gonna abandon me for me making mistakes, and they're gonna stick around.
00:17:06.880 --> 00:17:19.440
And so I think that belonging also relies on this future expectation that my community is gonna be around for me and it's not gonna suddenly disappear if I make a mistake.
00:17:19.680 --> 00:17:21.200
So those are a few aspects.
00:17:21.279 --> 00:17:21.519
Yeah.
00:17:21.759 --> 00:17:22.319
Wow, I love that.
00:17:22.640 --> 00:17:24.799
This is the first time I've described it that way.
00:17:25.759 --> 00:17:26.559
So good.
00:17:26.799 --> 00:17:33.920
Um yeah, I don't talk about elevate villages a lot on the podcast, but this really brings in a really important piece of it.
00:17:34.400 --> 00:17:55.599
So youth who've been in the foster system and most of these most of their lives, they've been in 20 to 30 placements, whether homes or group homes, and all of a sudden they're 18, 19, and the state's signs off, and now they have to go figure out life, having never belonged, having never had consistency belonging.
00:17:55.839 --> 00:18:04.480
And so what I find happens is there's a lot of programs afterwards that will come in and it's a year-long program and a two-year program.
00:18:04.640 --> 00:18:14.640
But all of these things, just like what you said, that future of I'm gonna belong here for a long time is never there for the youth.
00:18:14.880 --> 00:18:20.319
And so with the Elevate Villages model, we're building villages where there is no end date.
00:18:20.480 --> 00:18:23.519
They don't come for one year, they come until they want to leave.
00:18:23.759 --> 00:18:25.839
And when they leave, they can still come back.
00:18:26.000 --> 00:18:29.039
Come back, celebrate holidays with us, come back for your birthday.
00:18:29.119 --> 00:18:32.720
Like we want to see you, we want to celebrate your successes with you.
00:18:32.960 --> 00:18:35.920
And that's why it is a village because we're their people.
00:18:36.000 --> 00:18:36.720
We're your family.
00:18:36.880 --> 00:18:44.960
We're not gonna, this isn't just a short-term thing for us to get you one more step further in life before you crash and burn.
00:18:45.279 --> 00:18:52.640
No, we're not gonna let you crash and burn because you're gonna stay here forever, um, connected to us in whatever way you choose.
00:18:52.960 --> 00:18:54.799
So I love that you brought that up.
00:18:54.880 --> 00:19:10.000
That part of belonging is feeling like this is a long-term, like where I'm at, and while belonging can be momentary in a group, but still like who I am doesn't need to change.
00:19:10.960 --> 00:19:17.039
I don't have to be on some timeline and you're choosing me, and I'm choosing you, and we're here in this space.
00:19:17.200 --> 00:19:21.039
I think there's something really kind of profound and and deep about that.
00:19:22.240 --> 00:19:26.160
Can you remember some times, Jacques, when you didn't feel like you belonged?
00:19:26.319 --> 00:19:32.480
You felt disconnected or unable to show up as as the brilliant you.
00:19:33.279 --> 00:19:33.920
Well.
00:19:36.720 --> 00:19:44.480
Um Yeah, I mean, there's there's a few memories that come to mind, but I just want to echo something that you've shared.
00:19:45.839 --> 00:19:57.440
I think there's there's a lot of conditions that we put on belonging, and I think some of those conditions are we have to be similar to the people around us.
00:19:57.920 --> 00:20:25.599
And I just compare that version to this other version of like rural belonging, where not everyone's like you because there's so few people, yet it has this aspect of functionality, meaning people may be totally different, yet people are making the decision to come together and to help each other and to share resources.
00:20:25.759 --> 00:20:34.720
And so I think what I want to emphasize here is that there's easy belonging and then there's like chosen belonging.
00:20:34.880 --> 00:20:47.680
And easy belonging is when you speak the same language and you have the same values and you have the same degree and level of education, and that's like a great thing to have.
00:20:47.920 --> 00:20:48.160
You do.
00:20:48.480 --> 00:20:50.960
And the same thing, kind of a proximity belonging.
00:20:51.039 --> 00:20:58.799
I belong because all of our stuff is the same and it's easy because I understand you and you understand me, and we don't have to work at discovering each other.
00:20:59.200 --> 00:20:59.839
Absolutely.
00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:07.519
And I think what you're describing is this more like needs-based belonging, which is so natural to our species.
00:21:07.680 --> 00:21:14.160
We would not exist if we did not learn how to socialize and help each other fulfill our needs.
00:21:14.400 --> 00:21:22.319
Um, and when we choose that, we no longer ask ourselves, oh, is this someone who I want to be around?
00:21:22.640 --> 00:21:23.839
Is this someone I like?
00:21:24.000 --> 00:21:31.839
It's more like, no, like they're a part of my community and we have a shared goal of thriving as a community.
00:21:32.000 --> 00:21:40.000
And I guess what I really want to get at is so often we think our way out of belonging.
00:21:40.319 --> 00:21:47.119
We come up with all these reasons why we are not like other people.
00:21:47.759 --> 00:21:54.480
And we we we just manufacture it in our heads because people are different than us.
00:21:55.039 --> 00:22:03.920
Um, but I like you said with dance, you didn't even, you didn't even share a Word with some of these people, yet you felt so connected with them.
00:22:04.160 --> 00:22:08.559
Now, I think like my standard of belonging is very high.
00:22:08.640 --> 00:22:14.640
So I want to be deeply understood by people that are in my strong ties, right?
00:22:14.720 --> 00:22:18.720
This is another concept that I think we can touch on is weak ties versus strong ties.
00:22:19.119 --> 00:22:25.039
I'm very selective about my strong ties, and I'm very non-selective about my weak ties.
00:22:25.279 --> 00:22:28.640
Meaning I will have conversations with strangers all the time.
00:22:28.799 --> 00:22:34.240
I will have deep, enriching conversations, and they may be totally different than me.
00:22:34.400 --> 00:22:43.759
They may be wackos, but yet I have a beautiful interaction with them and it lifts my entire day versus strong ties.
00:22:44.240 --> 00:22:52.720
But but the point I'm really making is we want to learn how to access this feeling of belonging like in more places.
00:22:53.279 --> 00:23:17.359
And I think part of my purpose on this earth is how can I equip people with the skills and the leadership and the courage so that they can create that sense of belonging with anyone and they can feel safe and they can create rapport and they can they can like facilitate that that deep understanding.
00:23:17.920 --> 00:23:26.960
Um, but I don't think it's it what I'm getting, it's not necessary to be similar to people to access this feeling of belonging, right?
00:23:27.279 --> 00:23:27.920
Absolutely.
00:23:28.079 --> 00:23:34.799
And I think one I what's what I'm noticing when you're talking about that, and first off, the what did you call it?
00:23:34.960 --> 00:23:37.680
The person that's maybe just a one-time connection.
00:23:38.000 --> 00:23:38.640
Weak ties.
00:23:38.880 --> 00:23:40.240
The weak ties and the strong ties.
00:23:40.319 --> 00:23:40.640
I love it.
00:23:40.720 --> 00:23:53.920
In this on this podcast, we've talked a lot about like the circles, like you have different circles to belonging or the pyramid, like you have so yes, I love that the weak ties and strong ties, because there's a lot of different ways we can belong.
00:23:54.000 --> 00:23:59.599
You can't have an forever intimate and know everybody at the same level.
00:23:59.839 --> 00:24:08.400
Um and I think what we can do is everyone that's a human being, we're human.
00:24:08.559 --> 00:24:11.200
Like that is our connection, that is our commonality.
00:24:11.359 --> 00:24:15.039
And I believe that we're all responsible for each other.
00:24:15.359 --> 00:24:26.079
So if someone is completely not like me, maybe believes different than me and looks different than me and acts different than me and talks different than me, doesn't mean that they don't belong to me.
00:24:26.240 --> 00:24:34.720
I still have the responsibility as a human in that moment that our paths cross, that we're walking, maybe one step, maybe five steps.
00:24:35.039 --> 00:24:40.400
It's my responsibility as a human to walk with that person that they belong to me in that moment.
00:24:40.559 --> 00:24:47.279
And I act completely different when I show up as you belong to me in the grocery store.
00:24:47.359 --> 00:24:55.680
I might only see you in one aisle, but that aisle, if we can if our eyes connect, if you're reaching for a can and you can't reach it, if you drop some, you belong to me.
00:24:55.839 --> 00:24:58.960
How would I treat you if you were my dearest friend?
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:02.880
Um, yeah, that's the level I take belonging to.
00:25:03.119 --> 00:25:05.200
That that's that's so powerful.
00:25:05.440 --> 00:25:11.200
And I'm I'm really curious about that because I think there's a parallel between you and I.
00:25:11.440 --> 00:25:24.000
For me, I choose to spread joy with people, and my joy in my life, I'm responsible for that joy, and I don't wait for it to happen.
00:25:24.240 --> 00:25:32.319
And I feel like one of the objections I get is like, don't you feel like you're always on and you're not at yourself?
00:25:32.640 --> 00:25:33.359
Are you performing?
00:25:33.680 --> 00:25:34.160
Yeah, yeah.
00:25:34.400 --> 00:25:35.279
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:25:35.359 --> 00:25:44.079
So, so like, do you ever like just turn off the belonging facilitator and like put your blinders on?
00:25:44.240 --> 00:25:48.960
I'm sure it's like yeah, that's a great question.
00:25:49.599 --> 00:25:54.880
Yes, because I I don't think my natural inclination is to look at everyone like I belong to them.
00:25:54.960 --> 00:25:59.599
Sometimes I'll leave the grocery store and I'll realize that I didn't see anybody.
00:26:00.319 --> 00:26:05.279
They were there, but I didn't take the time and the effort and the energy to see them.
00:26:05.440 --> 00:26:11.920
I think saying that everyone belongs to me and I choose to make them feel that way is a goal.
00:26:12.240 --> 00:26:14.559
And I don't, I am not there a hundred percent.
00:26:14.799 --> 00:26:14.960
Yeah.
00:26:15.119 --> 00:26:15.920
I try to be.
00:26:16.079 --> 00:26:20.400
I've chosen to live a more still life.
00:26:20.559 --> 00:26:23.839
Like I leave spaciousness in my life so that I can take time.
00:26:23.920 --> 00:26:31.119
If if you're running, if you have your schedule jam-packed and you have three minutes to get into the grocery store and grab milk, you're not gonna see anybody.
00:26:31.200 --> 00:26:32.000
You're not gonna have time.
00:26:32.160 --> 00:26:33.599
I mean, and you don't have a lot of time.
00:26:33.680 --> 00:26:35.839
I'm not saying sit down and have conversations.
00:26:36.160 --> 00:26:37.039
Eye contact.
00:26:37.200 --> 00:26:37.759
Eye contact.
00:26:38.079 --> 00:26:39.759
Smile, like just that.
00:26:40.240 --> 00:26:42.000
I gotta add to something you just said.
00:26:42.079 --> 00:26:42.400
Yeah.
00:26:42.559 --> 00:26:46.079
It's this concept of time famine.
00:26:46.559 --> 00:26:47.680
Have you heard of this concept?
00:26:48.000 --> 00:26:48.799
Time famine.
00:26:49.119 --> 00:26:49.759
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:26:49.839 --> 00:26:50.640
So bring it on.
00:26:50.880 --> 00:26:53.920
This is a this is a concept in the science of happiness.
00:26:54.079 --> 00:27:02.079
And it turns out that when we have time famine, we do not help people who need help on the side of the street.
00:27:02.240 --> 00:27:05.200
We we put our blinders on and we don't talk to strangers.
00:27:05.359 --> 00:27:24.480
And this is one of the factors I I think, like I think this is one of the mechanisms by which people who have less financial resources, they don't have the capacity to be kind sometimes or because they're in survival mode.
00:27:24.799 --> 00:27:26.319
Basically, yeah, yeah.
00:27:26.559 --> 00:27:40.079
So when we have time famine and when we're in a rush, it dramatically reduces the amount of joy that we can create in our day-to-day lives with strangers, with the cashier, with the person in the sauna with us, right?
00:27:40.160 --> 00:27:46.720
Like I'm a I'm I talk to everyone in the sauna and I've had the most, the best conversations in the sauna ever.
00:27:47.039 --> 00:27:54.559
Um so, so I love that time famine is both logistical and it's mental.
00:27:54.880 --> 00:27:58.400
Some people feel like they just don't have enough time.
00:27:58.480 --> 00:27:59.119
And guess what?
00:27:59.279 --> 00:28:02.640
Then they go home and they watch movies, right?
00:28:02.720 --> 00:28:04.559
And it's so interesting to me.
00:28:04.640 --> 00:28:04.799
Right.
00:28:05.039 --> 00:28:17.039
Like it's so interesting to me that we were in a rush, and then we will just go waste time on things that just give us pleasure instead of this more rewarding form of joy.
00:28:17.200 --> 00:28:20.799
Like when, and and I love what you said about the eye contact.
00:28:21.119 --> 00:28:26.079
I will just smile at people on the street and I feel so good.
00:28:26.319 --> 00:28:28.400
I feel so good after that.
00:28:28.640 --> 00:28:37.279
And it doesn't require much time to boost our mood through these small interactions.
00:28:37.359 --> 00:28:39.359
So, so I yeah, I love it.
00:28:39.519 --> 00:28:40.640
I absolutely love it.
00:28:40.720 --> 00:28:43.599
And I love what you said about your aspiration too.
00:28:43.920 --> 00:28:52.640
My aspiration, I believe that every small interaction I have with people, every single person I light up, oh, it's fuel.
00:28:52.880 --> 00:28:53.920
I get more energy.
00:28:54.079 --> 00:28:54.160
Yes.
00:28:54.480 --> 00:29:01.200
And when people, when people say to me, Oh, Jacques, you're gonna burn out because you're always in this like facilitator mode.
00:29:01.359 --> 00:29:06.720
And I'm like, sorry, have you experienced what it feels like to make someone's day?
00:29:06.960 --> 00:29:09.440
Like it's addictive, it's the best thing ever.
00:29:09.519 --> 00:29:11.599
It gives me energy for the rest of the day.
00:29:11.759 --> 00:29:12.799
I'm not gonna burn out.
00:29:12.880 --> 00:29:16.319
I'm gonna be doing this till I'm like 200 years old.
00:29:16.640 --> 00:29:18.400
And you'll probably live to 200.
00:29:18.480 --> 00:29:24.160
So tell us on the uh scientific side what happens when we create joy?
00:29:24.319 --> 00:29:26.000
What happens when we smile at somebody?
00:29:26.160 --> 00:29:28.240
What's going on in our in our system?
00:29:28.400 --> 00:29:30.559
Because I know you come from a basis of science.
00:29:30.720 --> 00:29:35.200
So let's talk joy and connection and belonging through science.
00:29:35.680 --> 00:29:36.799
Absolutely.
00:29:37.119 --> 00:29:41.680
So the acronym, okay, there's there's two acronyms I want to share with you.
00:29:41.759 --> 00:29:41.920
Okay.
00:29:42.160 --> 00:29:44.160
The first one, it's quite funny.
00:29:44.319 --> 00:29:49.359
The first one is called LSD Laughing, Singing, Dancing.
00:29:51.359 --> 00:29:52.319
I love that.
00:29:52.640 --> 00:29:56.799
I was presenting at a Laughter Yoga conference last weekend.
00:29:56.880 --> 00:29:57.039
Yeah.
00:29:57.200 --> 00:30:07.200
And these laughter yogis, they are the most unself-conscious, uh, shamelessly positive, goofy people I've ever met.
00:30:07.519 --> 00:30:12.799
And they woke me up to the fact that I still put limitations on myself.
00:30:12.880 --> 00:30:15.200
It was, it was a beautiful experience.
00:30:15.519 --> 00:30:17.759
DOS is the second acronym.
00:30:17.920 --> 00:30:18.160
DOS.
00:30:18.400 --> 00:30:22.319
And that stands for dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins.
00:30:22.559 --> 00:30:28.799
Now, dopamine gets a bad rap, but dopamine is a feel-good chemical.
00:30:29.599 --> 00:30:34.400
And we we want to learn how to naturally elevate our dopamine.
00:30:34.640 --> 00:30:38.319
And it increases our focus and our energy.
00:30:38.640 --> 00:30:44.720
Endorphins and oxytocin, those are the social bonding neurotransmitters.
00:30:45.039 --> 00:30:52.880
Oxytocin is primarily responsible for pair bonding, and it's usually present in those one-on-one connections.
00:30:53.039 --> 00:30:57.119
And then endorphins are the ones that we don't often talk about.
00:30:57.200 --> 00:31:02.960
And endorphins get released when we touch each other at 2.5 centimeters per second.
00:31:03.119 --> 00:31:04.799
I know, really specific.
00:31:05.519 --> 00:31:08.960
And this is from the grooming of the chimpanzees.
00:31:10.000 --> 00:31:13.359
Oh, like, oh, interesting.
00:31:13.759 --> 00:31:21.920
So, yeah, there's tactile receptors in our skin that get activated at 2.5 centimeters per second.
00:31:22.000 --> 00:31:22.880
Isn't that crazy?
00:31:23.039 --> 00:31:24.480
The body is a wire.
00:31:25.359 --> 00:31:28.799
What I really want to emphasize is the power of synchrony.
00:31:29.039 --> 00:31:39.440
When we laugh together, when we sing together, and when we move together, synchrony happens and that releases endorphins.
00:31:39.839 --> 00:31:45.359
And that's why when we sing together, we feel much closer to people.
00:31:45.680 --> 00:31:54.319
When we jump in unison together, when we laugh in unison, this happens in conversations all the time, these synchrony uh moments.
00:31:54.720 --> 00:32:06.000
Um, I think the most under-leveraged neurotransmitter-based activity for facilitating human connection is the movement piece.
00:32:06.160 --> 00:32:10.799
The movement piece because it also elevates our physical energy and our focus.
00:32:11.039 --> 00:32:16.319
And so often we're just in a low energy state that is just lethargic.
00:32:16.480 --> 00:32:26.480
If you go to an average gathering, it's like people are caffeinated, they're drinking alcohol, and they're doing a lot of these substances to keep their energy high.
00:32:26.640 --> 00:32:36.319
But if we were to just use physical movement, and this is why I'm such a big advocate for play and movement-based play, is because it really elevates people's energy.
00:32:36.480 --> 00:32:44.880
And then what happens is it becomes easier to have a rich conversation because our neurochemistry is changed, right?
00:32:45.200 --> 00:32:45.680
Yeah.
00:32:45.920 --> 00:32:46.559
Yeah.
00:32:47.359 --> 00:32:54.160
So that leads me back to kind of where we started of being able, people, we want to be together.
00:32:54.319 --> 00:32:55.519
We want to have fun.
00:32:55.680 --> 00:33:01.680
And I think no one wants that more than youth, like getting to your teenage years, college.
00:33:02.079 --> 00:33:09.200
And so at the time that we're recording this podcast, the Cornell 7 has just is everywhere in the news.
00:33:09.920 --> 00:33:11.759
And this has been a problem for decades.
00:33:11.839 --> 00:33:12.960
It's not a new thing.
00:33:13.200 --> 00:33:13.519
Yep.
00:33:13.839 --> 00:33:18.559
That college drinking on college campuses, and I assume also in high school.
00:33:19.279 --> 00:33:25.359
Now you have a bunch of people whose frontal lobes aren't even fully developed yet, and now you're adding alcohol and substance to it.
00:33:25.519 --> 00:33:28.240
And so really horrible things happen.
00:33:28.559 --> 00:33:30.640
You obviously saw that in festivals.
00:33:31.599 --> 00:33:42.799
I'm very passionate about this subject because in Elevate Villages, the youth that we will be working with, how do we reimagine what people think is fun?
00:33:42.960 --> 00:33:44.640
Oh, I'm gonna go get wasted.
00:33:44.960 --> 00:33:47.200
Why has that been what we think is fun?
00:33:47.359 --> 00:34:00.799
And how can we instead create healthy environments where we can connect and have fun, but not be compromising our health, not be compromising our self-respect, not feel like we have to do something that we don't want to do?
00:34:00.880 --> 00:34:06.960
Like, what would a pure, honest, natural thing of having fun, what might that look like?
00:34:07.359 --> 00:34:09.280
You can pick anything in that to talk about.
00:34:09.360 --> 00:34:10.800
I know I just threw a lot at you.
00:34:11.679 --> 00:34:14.880
I'm so passionate about this subject.
00:34:15.440 --> 00:34:21.119
When we deactivate our frontal lobe, we lose connection with the person in front of us.
00:34:22.719 --> 00:34:23.519
We lose attunement.
00:34:23.840 --> 00:34:24.400
Say that again.
00:34:24.559 --> 00:34:25.519
Say that again.
00:34:25.920 --> 00:34:34.239
When we deactivate our frontal lobe, we lose our empathy, our attunement, our connection with the person in front of us.
00:34:34.880 --> 00:34:41.199
Naturally, humans are empathetic and we feel, we feel another person's pain.
00:34:41.360 --> 00:34:50.880
There's a few out there who are total psychopaths, yes, but the majority of us, we are reciprocal, we are kind, we respond, we respond.
00:34:51.039 --> 00:34:53.679
We can't, it's hard to hurt people.
00:34:53.840 --> 00:34:55.760
That's my belief about human nature.
00:34:55.920 --> 00:34:59.519
And so when we deactivate that frontal lobe, we lose that.
00:34:59.760 --> 00:35:01.280
And I witnessed this.
00:35:01.440 --> 00:35:06.639
I was a sexual health educator during Me Too on a university campus.
00:35:06.800 --> 00:35:09.280
I was leading workshops about consent.
00:35:09.519 --> 00:35:10.400
Powerful work.
00:35:10.480 --> 00:35:17.039
I actually remember speaking in front of the first-year residents about safe sex.
00:35:17.519 --> 00:35:25.519
And uh I smile now because you know, there were some some some really just graphic subjects discussed.
00:35:26.000 --> 00:35:26.320
No doubt.
00:35:27.440 --> 00:35:37.760
But I'm I'm so proud and I'm so happy that my mentor, she really brought me into sober partying before I was even a medic through this work of sexual assault prevention.
00:35:38.079 --> 00:35:41.440
Um, now let's come back to your question.
00:35:42.480 --> 00:35:56.719
How do we help people feel safe to have fun, feel safe to open up, express themselves without alcohol, drugs, and ideally screens as well?
00:35:57.599 --> 00:36:08.800
And I think the simple answer is we must learn how to design more psychologically safe environments.
00:36:09.199 --> 00:36:09.519
Okay.
00:36:10.400 --> 00:36:18.639
That's one aspect is how can we empower young leaders to become better gatherers and hosts?
00:36:18.880 --> 00:36:21.360
And so they become the alcohol for people.
00:36:21.519 --> 00:36:21.920
You know what?
00:36:22.000 --> 00:36:26.400
One of my mantras is I am people's alcohol.
00:36:26.639 --> 00:36:26.960
Okay.
00:36:27.440 --> 00:36:29.599
I help them disinhibit.
00:36:29.840 --> 00:36:32.880
Listen, alcohol has great aspects to it.
00:36:33.039 --> 00:36:37.599
Some people, you will never see them hug unless they're drunk.
00:36:37.840 --> 00:36:41.599
Okay, so I don't wanna I don't wanna say that alcohol is universally bad.
00:36:41.760 --> 00:36:50.079
I think for for a lot of men, especially men, we struggle to be affectionate with each other and dance and and express ourselves.
00:36:50.400 --> 00:36:53.119
And I think both genders have their stuff.
00:36:53.360 --> 00:37:02.880
But uh I think what we need to think about is how do we design gatherings that just naturally disinhibit people, make people feel safe to open up, be goofy.
00:37:03.119 --> 00:37:13.599
And what we need to do is we need to empower, we need to give more leaders the skills to step up and lead people with authority.
00:37:13.840 --> 00:37:18.719
And I wish, I wish when I was in high school I had the skills that I have right now.
00:37:18.880 --> 00:37:28.079
Because what I would have done for my high school, I would have created the most rich learning community environment ever because I have the skills now, right?
00:37:28.159 --> 00:37:32.400
I have the skills to bring people together and make people feel safe.
00:37:32.639 --> 00:37:36.000
The second thing I think is already happening.
00:37:36.239 --> 00:37:42.079
I think drinking is losing its glamour and health consciousness is becoming more cool.
00:37:42.320 --> 00:37:47.840
And so there's this whole like status programming and it's shadow.
00:37:48.000 --> 00:37:52.480
It's a shadow of our species, the fact that we're so driven by status.
00:37:52.719 --> 00:37:55.360
We care so much about how we're perceived.
00:37:55.519 --> 00:38:01.679
But let's use those neural circuits to uplift humanity.
00:38:01.920 --> 00:38:05.199
Let's let's let's re-engineer what cool is.
00:38:05.360 --> 00:38:15.920
Let's make cool being able to be confident without alcohol and being able to dance without substances and and being the one who makes people laugh.
00:38:16.079 --> 00:38:26.000
And I don't have all the answers for that one, so maybe you have some, but young people respond to what is socially desirable, right?
00:38:26.159 --> 00:38:31.840
And so I think really what we're talking about right now, Melissa, is public health.
00:38:32.559 --> 00:38:38.239
And we go back to the public health victory over smoking.
00:38:38.480 --> 00:38:41.440
How did public health beat smoking?
00:38:41.760 --> 00:38:53.440
Well, one aspect is that the young people hated that old corporate snobs were profiting off them.
00:38:53.519 --> 00:38:55.599
And the young people wanted to rebel.
00:38:55.840 --> 00:38:57.119
Okay, that's one aspect.
00:38:57.199 --> 00:38:58.480
There's many aspects.
00:38:58.639 --> 00:39:00.400
The other one was accessibility.
00:39:00.559 --> 00:39:04.000
Smoking became really hard to get and purchase.
00:39:04.159 --> 00:39:16.000
There's all these different public health levers that we can pull, but I think the most powerful one, and you and I, we're we're social engineers, we're interested in how to how to engineer social dynamics.
00:39:16.239 --> 00:39:23.280
How do we redefine what is cool, what is high status, what is rewarded in a room?
00:39:23.440 --> 00:39:34.960
That's something that I think we need to think about, and and university administrators need to think about is how can they get into this like status hierarchy psychology?
00:39:35.280 --> 00:39:36.239
Yeah, yeah.
00:39:36.480 --> 00:39:38.000
Yeah, what do you think?
00:39:38.480 --> 00:39:58.159
I think it's I'm encouraged to talk to someone like you, a couple decades younger than I am, I'm imagining, and you're like leading this new younger generation, and you're saying this is normal, this is cool, this is how we can gather.
00:39:58.320 --> 00:40:02.480
Um, so that to me is there's hope, there's possibility.
00:40:02.800 --> 00:40:12.960
So I'd like you to, if you would, to imagine with me that you are walking beside me as we're designing elevate villages.
00:40:13.119 --> 00:40:18.960
We have the land, maybe there's a path through it, and we're designing different pieces of it.
00:40:19.920 --> 00:40:24.880
What would be knowing that we're gonna have youth from 18 on up?
00:40:25.039 --> 00:40:31.360
We're also gonna have adult other people coming in and living in the village so that we have neighbors.
00:40:31.599 --> 00:40:40.400
What is the one thing that you would make absolutely sure we don't forget in the architecture of our village?
00:40:44.800 --> 00:40:45.280
Wow.
00:40:45.440 --> 00:40:48.960
Well, I'm first so excited about this vision you have.
00:40:49.760 --> 00:40:55.599
And I love the word village, and I crave to live in a village.
00:40:56.000 --> 00:41:00.400
So, and this is absolutely what I want to do as well.
00:41:00.559 --> 00:41:05.519
I want to live in a village that celebrates joy and personal growth.
00:41:05.840 --> 00:41:16.480
Um I think the most important part of the community building process is the onboarding.
00:41:17.679 --> 00:41:18.000
Okay.
00:41:18.320 --> 00:41:21.280
How do people join?
00:41:22.159 --> 00:41:24.960
How do we educate new members?
00:41:25.840 --> 00:41:29.519
How do we set them up for success?
00:41:29.920 --> 00:41:37.039
What is that first connection that they have, that first one-on-one connection that they have with someone there?
00:41:37.519 --> 00:41:44.960
I have these these small villages, they're called Joymaker camps, and I have people sign a social contract.
00:41:45.519 --> 00:41:54.480
I have people go through, and one of them is I pledge to be, I I even swear in it.
00:41:54.559 --> 00:42:00.400
I it's like I pledge to be fucking fun, forgiving, and one other word or something.
00:42:00.559 --> 00:42:19.599
And of course, it's playful and there's room for negotiation, but I just think it's so important to this is gonna sound harsh, but uh someone who's not ready to be in community.
00:42:19.760 --> 00:42:26.559
If we are forcing people to be in the village, it is it is so much more challenging to create belonging.
00:42:26.880 --> 00:42:34.960
And so I think the most important aspect is to really educate people about what this is.
00:42:35.519 --> 00:42:46.400
And if they are eager and they they really want to be a part of it and they wanna learn the social norms and they want to contribute, we need to bring those people in.
00:42:46.480 --> 00:42:57.760
We need to give them the tools to contribute, and we need to connect them with one or two people and facilitate deep one-on-one conversations with those one or two people.
00:42:57.920 --> 00:43:06.880
And then they're gonna have, they're gonna feel like they have someone watching their back and they're gonna start to become themselves and they're gonna start to reach out to other people in the community.
00:43:07.039 --> 00:43:12.480
But I think it's those, it only takes one best friend to transform our lives.
00:43:12.719 --> 00:43:20.480
It only takes one person to have our back and really care about us to create that sense of psychological safety.
00:43:20.639 --> 00:43:27.840
So I think it's that intentional pairing and that really intentional educational onboarding system.
00:43:28.000 --> 00:43:29.280
That what do you think of that?
00:43:29.440 --> 00:43:32.719
It's there's a little bit of uh selection there, right?
00:43:32.960 --> 00:43:33.840
No, I love it.
00:43:33.920 --> 00:43:50.480
I it's interesting this is coming up now because for the last, I don't know, little while of time, as we're moving this process forward and getting closer and closer to Brunky Ground on the first village, what's come up for me is that we can't build the village and then bring people in.
00:43:50.719 --> 00:43:56.000
So we're thinking of having something called the landing zone where people will come.
00:43:56.159 --> 00:43:59.760
The first group of youth will actually help us envision the village and help us build it.
00:44:00.639 --> 00:44:09.599
But in order to come into the village, whether you're youth or adult, you have to live at that landing zone for X amount of time, a week, six weeks.
00:44:09.679 --> 00:44:11.039
And during it is your program.
00:44:11.199 --> 00:44:12.320
How is the governance working?
00:44:12.480 --> 00:44:15.519
How do we facilitate conflict resolution?
00:44:15.679 --> 00:44:17.599
Like we learn all of this.
00:44:17.840 --> 00:44:23.119
And at the end of that period of time, if it's not a good fit for you, we bless you and send you on.
00:44:23.199 --> 00:44:25.519
If you're a youth, we're going to make sure you're safe for a few months.
00:44:25.599 --> 00:44:27.920
You can get, you know, get your life going.
00:44:28.320 --> 00:44:35.440
If you're our people, if you want to build this with us, if you're okay with saying, I'm going to do it new, I'm going to do it a different way, then come on in.
00:44:35.599 --> 00:44:36.880
And now you've been trained.
00:44:36.960 --> 00:44:40.320
And so anyway, it's interesting that those are the things we've been talking about.
00:44:40.480 --> 00:44:44.079
And now to have you say this, which is not what I expected you to say.
00:44:44.159 --> 00:44:54.639
And I love that you did because it confirms that we're definitely on the right path, thinking about this landing zone experience before you would actually come into the full village.
00:44:55.199 --> 00:44:55.840
Yeah, yeah.
00:44:55.920 --> 00:44:58.079
I love, I love that system.
00:44:58.239 --> 00:45:03.360
One thing I want to add is eagerness to contribute.
00:45:04.880 --> 00:45:11.280
I think that's got to be the most important aspect and health marker for a community.
00:45:12.079 --> 00:45:13.679
Eagerness to contribute.
00:45:13.920 --> 00:45:20.400
If you have people who come in and they're they don't really want to be there, they don't really want to contribute.
00:45:20.800 --> 00:45:23.920
Absolutely, you can boost their eagerness to contribute.
00:45:24.239 --> 00:45:24.880
You can.
00:45:25.199 --> 00:45:29.119
And I've done that with thousands of people in the streets, right?
00:45:29.280 --> 00:45:39.199
People who don't want to participate, they they think I'm crazy, they think I'm on drugs, but I get them to participate because my my joy is contagious.
00:45:39.679 --> 00:45:41.360
Now that is a harder path.
00:45:41.519 --> 00:45:46.079
The easier path is to select for people who are eager to contribute.
00:45:46.400 --> 00:45:52.559
And then once you have that critical mass, then other people really want to contribute as well because they start joining in, right?
00:45:53.039 --> 00:45:53.440
Got it.
00:45:54.159 --> 00:45:59.840
But absolutely, there are things we can do to boost that eagerness to contribute.
00:46:00.000 --> 00:46:06.880
And one of which is giving them a small experience of the rewards of contribution.
00:46:07.199 --> 00:46:11.840
I give people a small experience of what it's like to dance with strangers.
00:46:12.000 --> 00:46:13.280
And then they feel it.
00:46:13.440 --> 00:46:18.639
And within 10 minutes, they're galloping around a street swinging people.
00:46:18.800 --> 00:46:19.360
You know what I mean?
00:46:19.679 --> 00:46:21.280
I've done that to Cotton Joe, right?
00:46:24.400 --> 00:46:25.039
You know?
00:46:25.599 --> 00:46:26.800
Right there with you.
00:46:27.840 --> 00:46:36.559
So I feel like there's two approaches, but I think the other piece is that the core group of people needs to be so solid.
00:46:37.280 --> 00:46:44.239
And that core group needs to role model the social norms in their perfection.
00:46:44.880 --> 00:46:53.760
And ideally, they're trained in like nonviolent communication because you know, the thing that we don't talk about is like conflict is a natural part of a healthy community.
00:46:54.159 --> 00:46:55.679
And a necessary part.
00:46:56.079 --> 00:46:57.360
It's so necessary.
00:46:57.519 --> 00:46:57.840
Yeah.
00:46:58.079 --> 00:46:58.239
Yeah.
00:46:58.639 --> 00:47:11.199
It's been something I've been circling around lately, is this one of my podcast guests says you can't have a community that doesn't have conflict and doesn't know how to deal with conflict is not a community.
00:47:11.280 --> 00:47:14.000
It's a pseudo-community and it will not last.
00:47:14.639 --> 00:47:25.199
A community that's gonna last long term has to know how to um honorably handle conflict for both parties.
00:47:25.440 --> 00:47:26.800
And it's not a win-lose.
00:47:26.880 --> 00:47:30.320
This is a how do we come together as humans and create the best of both?
00:47:30.960 --> 00:47:32.400
Okay, to wrap it up.
00:47:32.639 --> 00:47:37.440
So Jacques, I love having you on the podcast today.
00:47:37.519 --> 00:47:40.239
I think there is more for us to explore together.
00:47:40.559 --> 00:47:45.119
But before we sign off for our audience today, what do you want to leave them with?
00:47:48.880 --> 00:48:06.400
The social world is far more exciting than we can ever imagine when we learn to step up, take the risk, and lead people.
00:48:18.320 --> 00:48:37.360
And when you learn to create that energy, that joy, that connection, wow, the whole world of opportunity, invitations, promotions, it's just like you see the world in a totally different way.
00:48:37.440 --> 00:49:03.039
And so I encourage everyone to develop the skill of social leadership and and to guide more conversations and to step up and speak up and to be that person who ignites what's possible in a room because no one is doing it, and we're losing our social skills because we're chatting with AI bots and we're on social media.
00:49:03.199 --> 00:49:06.480
And so this skill is only gonna become more valuable.
00:49:06.880 --> 00:49:17.440
And of course, as a joymaker would say, if you want to spice up that skill even more, add some joymaking because people love joy.
00:49:19.840 --> 00:49:23.280
Well, well, well said, Party scientist.
00:49:23.519 --> 00:49:25.840
Jacques, thank you so much for being here.
00:49:26.000 --> 00:49:28.079
For my audience, find Jacques.
00:49:28.159 --> 00:49:30.800
All of his links are down below in the show notes.
00:49:30.960 --> 00:49:33.199
Thank you, audience, for being with us today.
00:49:33.360 --> 00:49:41.360
This has been the Belonging Podcast by Elevate Villages, and thank you to our patron, Deanna Laughlin, for making these conversations possible.
00:49:41.599 --> 00:49:47.039
Until next time, go out there and let's all build belonging together.
